Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

Hi, well I just got my internet back about an hour ago, we lost it sometime yesterday ... anyway I finally get back on and see a post with my DIL being tagged at a bar and dancing with this guy , and now her profile pic is her and this guy dancing , she has removed her name from Brian's face book page as his wife and removed him from her page wow how fast some people move on.. I guess I had hoped she would at least wait for a little while longer before she started with someone else my son has only been gone 10 months.. I guess it's me ,I am not her mom and it's not my place to say anything ..I don't even know why it really bothers me? but it does.. I worry about the type of guy she ends up bringing around my grand children , Just really a bad day.. Brenda

I don't have 'that' problem...or heartache...but know how it must cut through your heart....and understand how we panic about 'certain men' being around our grandchildren....keep the ties and lines of communication free and clear....that will be the one and only way...you will have the door open to the grandchildren....and they need you as much as you need them.....Blessings to you...

[BrendaDup59]

I don't have 'that' problem...or heartache...but know how it must cut through your heart....and understand how we panic about 'certain men' being around our grandchildren....keep the ties and lines of communication free and clear....that will be the one and only way...you will have the door open to the grandchildren....and they need you as much as you need them.....Blessings to you...

Thanks and you are so right I need them so much in my life, I have 11 grand children but I am only allowed to see 6 and that is my son Brian's children .. I want nothing but happiness for Traci but I guess seeing someone take his place is just hard . .

[BrendaDup59]

Diane- hugs and prayers to you. And we can pray for you when you can't. I felt the same way. When people told me they were praying for me, I said thank because I can't right now. If I was mad at anyone, it was God but he was patient with me and carried my anger. I found my way back because I know my son is with him and so will I be too. To have both days so close together is so hard.

Brenda- how awful for you to see your DIL moving on so quickly. Facebook is a blessing but is such a curse so often. I imagine she is loney but I am sure she is still hurting, but people handle that pain differently. Above all else we don't want our child forgotten. All we can hope for in our lives is that we mattered in this life and we so want to know that that isn't forgotten for our child. Hugs to you!

I am so grateful to have found this site. You all reaffirm my feelings and thoughts as no one else can.

Love to you all,

Jeri

Jeri Thanks, and I cant imagine how Traci feels knowing she has to raise 6 on her own , I have always wanted her to move on but I think I was just caught by surprise it was so soon ,I am pretty sure this has been in the works for a couple of months .. all I want is to keep my grand children in my life and that they are taken care of. .

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I am so sorry to have missed some angel dates.... Betsy & Diane, my heart to you!

This is the first day I have been out of bed for nearly a week.... THE FLU BUG!! OMG awful. Lost 10 pounds in as many days, but not something I would recommend as a weight loss solution... uuugh.

Hubby got it first, and I was taking care of him, then got sick myself. Thankfully, our daughter has stayed well enough to help us both out. There is just not much you can do except sleep, and drink fluids, and drink that awful liquid stuff that says it helps all the symptoms.

I am not caught up yet on all the posts, but was glad to see that KATE has returned! Missed you Kate!!

[Mermaid Tears]

I am so sorry to have missed some angel dates.... Betsy & Diane, my heart to you!

This is the first day I have been out of bed for nearly a week.... THE FLU BUG!! OMG awful. Lost 10 pounds in as many days, but not something I would recommend as a weight loss solution... uuugh.

Hubby got it first, and I was taking care of him, then got sick myself. Thankfully, our daughter has stayed well enough to help us both out. There is just not much you can do except sleep, and drink fluids, and drink that awful liquid stuff that says it helps all the symptoms.

I am not caught up yet on all the posts, but was glad to see that KATE has returned! Missed you Kate!!

I was just thinking of you this morning....so many around our little town have the flu....so far...we are staying ahead of it....but who knows ?? I know some of my friends that think if they could lose 10 lbs. would kiss someone that had it....take it easy....the ones that got up too soon had a relapse...we are all hanging together....been so blessed to read some word or words that made my day go a little better....I do believe that Dee has words and a way with words that feel like a warm blanket has been wrapped around our hearts....take care our Warrior Mama.....

[Jeff's Mom]

I was just thinking of you this morning....so many around our little town have the flu....so far...we are staying ahead of it....but who knows ?? I know some of my friends that think if they could lose 10 lbs. would kiss someone that had it....take it easy....the ones that got up too soon had a relapse...we are all hanging together....been so blessed to read some word or words that made my day go a little better....I do believe that Dee has words and a way with words that feel like a warm blanket has been wrapped around our hearts....take care our Warrior Mama.....

Believe me...nobody wants to kiss me! This flu bug was down right nasty! Heck of a way to lose weight. Look after yourselves everyone. Major TLC is needed in this case. Soak it up.

Brenda...I understand how you must feel about your DIL. As the others mentioned it is important to keep the lines of communication open and positive for the little ones. Each person has their own way of dealing with grief. Are you still psinting these days? Your work is just lovely. Hope to see more of it if you would not mind sharing.

Diane...I know how hard this day is for you. I do hope the therapist is helping to give you some relief. For me the hardest thing I have in blocking is the Doc telling us that Jeff did not have to die. Wow...its tough to take. Stay strong. Hold on to those warm and beautiful memories that you hold close to your heart. Take care.

David...glad to see you have a new love interest and are slowly finding your way again. That's great news!

Well, we are socked in with a high arctic cold front for the entire week. You know its cold when you consider -27C warming up. I bundled up and went for a brisk and fairly decent walk today. It felt great and was really invigorating. Anyway, thinking of everyone and sending love. Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, send whispers from heaven to your mom that touch her soul with love, peace, and comfort for ALWAYS and FOREVER.

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Cara's Mom...always and forever....just thought I would let you know that our "angel" dates aren't that far from each other....and the path we are on should be about the same "sadness mileage"....I so appreciate how you reach out...and then relate your feelings....and share the 'high and depths' of your journey....it is like we all have our 'maps' on this foreign path....and we shout out how the travels are going when we get to certain spots on the road ...some are hard to get around....some are easy to slip around....we have all left the same station....we are all headed in the direction....just different ways to get there.....Blessings to you....

[ericasmom]

Thanks Greg, lovely lovely piece to send on this cold day. It is good to see your Brian's smile today, warms me right up.

Patty, Justin's Mom, I do think that you hit the nail on the head...shopping allows you to divert your sadness, put it off some, maybe not go home too soon as being alone sometimes might make things unavoidable. I know that you are healing, we do begin to feel more able, though the shopping might kind of need some attention, just so it does not put off your grieving too much but also, you stated it is getting a bit out of control. ALso the small space thing...anything that was troublesome before Eri died, became more so after she died, my worry factor was always huge, but then it became HUGE beyond. I go for help with some of these things, helps me find my perspective, helps me understand why I might be doing something I can't figure all the way out myself. Good luck. I am sure others will chime in here.

Brenda, young people have a different timeline than us...we don't quite know how to deal withthe knowledge of seeing photos of DIL with another man, but it may be a good good sign that your DIL is out having a bit of fun. It is easier to be a good parent when you are having some fun in your adult life too. Yes, it seems soon but probably not to her, it probably seems a long long time since she felt like a woman who can dance.

I do totally get your worry however, the wonder about the kinds of folks that may be around the kids. there just are no easy fixes here, can you babysit when she is going out? Oh how did the littel grandgirl do when she had surgery or did she have surgery?

[ericasmom]

Becky, so sorry that you were so sick. Glad that you are back on your feet. Take it easy and slowly start to do things again.

Kate, COLD! Hey, where do you see David's post-I have not seen him in a long while and was wondering about him.

[shorty16]

Greg, I saw the family pics on Facebook. I could tell who you were right away. Brian has your eyes. I think of you often.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[daveydow1]

Hello Indigos. Having some problems with my computer again, so

I'll hurry up and try to get my post on before something goes wrong.

NATHAN.......NATHAN.....NATHAN......Saying your name,

and remembering you, sweet angel.

Diane---Glad to see your post. Thinking of you and sending prayers, friend.

Dee----So good that the birds are now beginning to use your new feeder. We

got snow today, and the birds were at the feeders in full force.....all kinds.

Something about snow/cold that seems to bring them out. Funny story about

Stormy & Bullet, and their encounter with the oppossum on the back porch.

Our 'neighborhood' oppossum comes by now & then to eat near the bird

feeder. They are generally not aggressive, and not easily deterred from grabbing

a quick snack wherever they find the opportunity. Cold there in Chicago, I

see on the weather, and also it is to be cold here too, for the rest of the week. BRrrr.

Betsy-----

Your mom must have been a very wonderful person. Rich is surely

there with her and the others. Bless them all.

Kate-----I hope that the animals can get enough food. Good of everyone to put

out a little something for them to eat. I often wonder where these animals such

as deer go to keep warm. Coyotes, groundhogs, rabbits etc. have burrows

down under the ground to gain shelter, but the deer......I've read that they have

an insulating layer of fine fur underneath the outer fur which keeps them warm

and holds in the body temperature, as do most wild hoofed animals.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest]

.

[BrendaDup59]

Thank you all, while it is hard for me to see her move on all I want for her is to be happy, and Dee you are so right to her it has been a Long time that someone has made her feel special, I just pray he treats my grand children right, and to have someone who will take on 6 children he must be a good guy, I have thought about it all day just so hard seeing everyone go on with there life. I miss Brian so much.

Kate I have not drawn in months I did find something I think I might give a try ... But I have been taking pictures of Birds I find it so peaceful to just sit on my bed and take pictures out my window and I have a Canary visiting my feeders ..when it first came I thought I was seeing things ..I got pictures and posted them on a bird sight I am on and everyone on there seems to also think that is what it is... I will post some of my pictures for you.

Thank you all for taking the time to comment . it means a a lot to me. Love Brenda

These are all taken from my bedroom window where I have my feeders .

[Jeff's Mom]

Becky, so sorry that you were so sick. Glad that you are back on your feet. Take it easy and slowly start to do things again.

Kate, COLD! Hey, where do you see David's post-I have not seen him in a long while and was wondering about him.

Dee, I have been trying to get caught up on posts of past weeks during this cold period we are having. It was just after Christmas. David posted he had spent the holidays with his kids and had a very nice time and then mentioned that he had met someone. But still early days. I am so pleased for him.

Yes, it is extremely cold the next few days. Supposedly going down to -34C tonight.

Brenda....Just what I needed to warm me up. How lovely. The pictures are so nice to see at this time of the year. Thanks for taking the time to share with us. I appreciate it!

Sherry...hope your computer holds out. Thanks for your message. Yes, feeding the animals is always something we concern ourselves over when it is this cld. This morning my husband almost ran over a rabbit that was clawing in the snow looking for something to eat. I always thought they would stay in their burrows at this time. I sent him out with some dry dog food in the hope he would eat it. The thing is it attracts foxes, wolves, coyotes, etc. We have to be careful. Thank heaven the bears are in hibernation.

Greg, that was just what I needed to see today. Thank you!

Gretchen...how are you?

Off to the city tomorrow to run errands. Everyone that is sick please take care of yourselves. This can turn into a lung problem so don't play games. Have a good evening.

Love, Kate

[ericasmom]

Sherry, hope your computer holds out, I miss you when you are offline.

Brenda, wow, those photos are really wonderful. You could go online to Birds and Blooms magazine. I think you could win some contests with those, or sell them to birding magazines. Beautiful and so very nice for you to be able to enjoy them and relax with them near. What is the tiny one in the feeder?

Oh Kate, be careful in the cold. Take blankets in the car and extra stuff. (telling a Canadian this is probably hilarious).

Lora, so glad that you felt so welcomed here when you came, and now you do the same for newcomers. That service we all feel to each other is the most healing thing.

[Mermaid Tears]

I hope all and each......will be warm and taken care of.....I live in Brenham, Texas....so....we think it is cold when it is 32.....and we go in a tail spin if the temps go under 31......we are true Southern Texans....so I wish all of my Northern People....blessings to keep warm.....once again....I can glean a 'tiny' bit of comfort in what you post...and how you deal...and how we go down that foreign road....one step sometimes....two steps....maybe 3 back....but keeping on with the keep on....

[BrendaDup59]

Hi Dee, the little one is a Carolina Wren.. boy you should here them they are so loud.. I also thought I would show you what landed in the tree that most of the bird pics are taken in .. I happen to ask Brian for a sign one morning... I told him l would love to see a bird I have not seen in awhile .. I happen to have my window and screen open and looked up and this Cooper Hawk landed there in the tree not 8 feet away , I got some pics of him he jumped down looked right at me and flew off , he wasn't even after a bird .. it was just like Brian said here you go mom! ... it was awesome. I am going to look into the Birds and Blooms sight I get the magazine you never know I might get some in it. .

Kate , I am glad you enjoyed them, I am worried about the canary as we are getting down into the single digits with an even worse wind chill tonight I sure hope it makes it I also cut up some old vegetables for the squirrels it keep them off my bird feeders.. . I cant help have a soft spot for them since I raised one .. the one picture of the squirrel was taken a few summers ago but is the reason I try and give them something else to eat ..

love Brenda

[mysonrich]

Nathan, Nathan, Nathan. surround your mom in the warmth of your light today and everyday.

[westleysmom]

Nathan-Kiss your Mama's cheek today and let her feel your love always.

Diane-I'm sorry I didn't know if you were still checking in here and didn't mention Nathan on his and Westley's Birthday Saturday. I had my terrible week last week, with Westley's angel date on Sunday and Birthday on Saturday book-ending a week where I had too much to do and felt like nobody gave a flip that every moment was a "remember when..." occasion. Remember when the phone rang? Remember when you had to tell his sister? Remember when you called Susan and she told you about Andrew's death? Somebody else (I think it was Betsy, another January Mom) mentioned having to put up the mental stop sign lately, and I have struggled mightily to do just that, with mixed results. I have thought of you often and hope you are doing okay.

Greg-I'm so glad to see you around and thanks for the encouragement.

Lora-I do the same thing. I go to the cemetery on Sunday's usually and end up trying to put things back where they go. Everybody is somebody's baby.

Patti-I couldn't go to the grocery for a while because everything I picked up would make me think of Westley, it was awful. I always bought my groceries based on what he liked or didn't like and I didn't know how to buy groceries without that measure. I think we all distract ourselves any way we can think of for a while, as we work through our shock and early grief. Just realizing that you are doing too much shopping and knowing the likely reason may help you to get it under control.

Sweet dreams of your angels to all.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I think I am starting to get some strength back! Darn flu!

Lovely pics, Brenda! Gorgeous!!

I can't share the particulars, but suffice it to say that God has answered my prayers in the revelation of some truths that until now were hidden. It's hard to find any happiness in anything after losing our children, but after the long months, almost sixteen now, it felt like the clouds parted for a moment, and there was clarity there that wasn't before. It has only heightened my endurance for this battle.

[ericasmom]

Susan, yep,one or two steps forward, three back but those forward steps make it so that we are continually climbing. We all fall backwards at times, we do. Nature of this loss. Yes, I would think 32 is cold in southern Texas. We are down to actual temps in the negatives. It is -2 right now. Yikes.

Brenda, those photos of the Coopers Hawk are gorgeous. I do think that Brian was visiting. The squirrel is hilarious, that is the size of the squirrels here, fat and furry and always looking for more to eat. Carolina Wren, oh yes, I did see that little guy in my bird book. so cute and petite.

Becky, I do hope that really good things are happening in your corner of this world. Fingers crossed.

Rhonda, there are several of you here with both dates butt-up-against each other. I am sorry, so much emotion in so few days. Yes, those remember filled moments that we relive, such difficult memories.

[Mom of Chip]

We are about 25 miles south of Dallas..and weather has been quite cool at night...I had to bring my plants in for a few days because the nights were getting into the 20's...but the last few days the afternoon temps have in the 50's 60's....I don't think I could live where it gets below zero...it's bad enough here Texas..we do get ice on the roads, but seldom much snow to speak of.

Yes, the forward days seem so good, then all of a sudden I fall back. It comes so unexpectedly...a thought, a song..so many things can bring on the tears...I find myself driving along and hardly able to see where I'm going sometimes because of the tears streaming down my face.....I know Chip wants me to move on..it's very hard to do...BUT I have found myself laughing more, so I think I am making progress.

Chip had 2 daughters..One who is 23,..he adopted her from his marriage...she gave him a grandson....She is doing okay, but she falls back sometimes,too....

and a 8 year old daughter whose mother he did not marry. I have issues with the mother...She has been living with another man for the past 4 years, yet she filed for Chip's S/S as his widow and and is collecting monthly checks, plus she is not working and is showing no effort to look for a job. The man she is living with has not been working, either..he's living off the check, too..Galls me, but there is not a lot I can do about it(even the woman's own family is upset with her over this). So I try to look over her transgressions and get along with her so I can see my granddaughter..and yes, my granddaughter is seeing the school counselor..She really likes to go to the sessions.

There are so many things surrounding my grief...It's hard to sort everything out. I wish Chip were here so we discuss what to do about some of these 'situations'.

Those who are going anniversaries and birthdays..I pray that you find comfort...

[ericasmom]

I am glad that Chip has Children that you can stay close with, but I am sorry that the MOm of the 8 year old is even able to collect Chip's SS checks, seems like it should be against the law. I mean his Daughter should benefit from her Daddy's SS but not two adults whose lives were not being spent with CHip. I am sorry but I see the delicate dance you must do in order to stay in contact with your little one. I wish you the very best.

Good day All-

[Guest]

.

[dwsmithrn]

hi to all....i am still reeling in discomfort from nathan's birthday and angel date....2 years now....and what would have been his 34th b'day. how he is missed and loved. the sadness of my heart is sometimes unbearable. so want to tell him so. not that i don't.... just want to hear his voice. i get a rush of anxiety when i fear that i have or will forget his voice....does this happen to any of you. as of now, i have no recordings of his voice or no videos of him. lee just told me that he thinks there may be something in some boxes in his attic. so next time i go to myrtle beach, i must, i have to, go through some things and find something that i can have to watch and hear his voice. maybe that will calm me down some. 'some'.... my eyes are red and swollen and tomorrow we are leaving for arkansas to visit my brother and sister-in-law. just a get-away and somewhere where i am understood. my SIL lost her nephew in a similar fashion and has lived this with her brother for 6 years. i have corresponded with him from south africa and he has been quite helpful in a lot of ways. at least the one helpful way, he understands the pain.

i have gone back to work 1 1/2 days a week, but only because i have had to, not because i wanted to. it is still very uncomfortable for me to be around people in general, especially at my job. for those of you who do not know me, i am a pediatric nurse in my husband's practice. nathan grew up here and we see a lot of his friends with children of their own. it is sometimes hard for me to see them knowing this is what nathan wanted, couldn't find and longed for a family of his own. his friends are nice and sympathetic and always have something to say about nathan, which i love, but it always brings me to tears. it is sometimes hard for me to be there. i don't want them to forget him, ever, but it still hurts to realize that nathan will never have what he longed to have. then there are the ones who don't know what to say, so they don't say anything. it is kind of awkward. then i have the ones who still say the dumbest things and i want to smack them. really, really stupid people. as we say in the deep south, "bless 'em".....

If i could just stay at home and never have to leave again, i would be better. my therapist thinks in some ways she can see why i think that way, but thinks it is good to get out some. and i have been able to get out more and more as time goes by, but i still don't like it and if there are too many people around me, my "inside" voive comes out and i say "i need to go home" and i check out and leave even if i haven't finished my shopping or whatever it was i set out to do. i just have to go home to my safe place. let me point out that i used to be a TYPE A personality and strong, leader-type, take charge, independent...this totally changed who i am.....or was.....i think this is what has upset my other 3 children. they are not used to this 'mother'. they can't stand to see me cry, to see me whither in a corner and not know the answers for them, or taking care of something that used to be easy. i couldn't go to the store for months and months. and then, when i did finally go, i couldn't remember what to get or where to find it and had breakdowns in the store and had to leave. so, for all the newbies here, this is not unusual.... just so you know.

i am making small, short strides, but it is a long, hard road and i cannot leave my counselor yet. i feel like i am tied to her apron strings at this point. i feel like she has helped us so much. i have a wonderful husband who has helped me through this. i am very fortunate....the children, well, they still have a lot to learn. i have 7 beautiful grandchildren and they do make me smile. there will be many bumps and curves and turns along this road i don't even want to think about it.... but i am stuck here so i will face it when it comes. for today, i will remember that i am nathan's mother, always and forever.

my heart goes out to all of you and i hope all of you can just take one step at a time today. :-)

love, diane

[Mermaid Tears]

hi to all....i am still reeling in discomfort from nathan's birthday and angel date....2 years now....and what would have been his 34th b'day. how he is missed and loved. the sadness of my heart is sometimes unbearable. so want to tell him so. not that i don't.... just want to hear his voice. i get a rush of anxiety when i fear that i have or will forget his voice....does this happen to any of you. as of now, i have no recordings of his voice or no videos of him. lee just told me that he thinks there may be something in some boxes in his attic. so next time i go to myrtle beach, i must, i have to, go through some things and find something that i can have to watch and hear his voice. maybe that will calm me down some. 'some'.... my eyes are red and swollen and tomorrow we are leaving for arkansas to visit my brother and sister-in-law. just a get-away and somewhere where i am understood. my SIL lost her nephew in a similar fashion and has lived this with her brother for 6 years. i have corresponded with him from south africa and he has been quite helpful in a lot of ways. at least the one helpful way, he understands the pain.

i have gone back to work 1 1/2 days a week, but only because i have had to, not because i wanted to. it is still very uncomfortable for me to be around people in general, especially at my job. for those of you who do not know me, i am a pediatric nurse in my husband's practice. nathan grew up here and we see a lot of his friends with children of their own. it is sometimes hard for me to see them knowing this is what nathan wanted, couldn't find and longed for a family of his own. his friends are nice and sympathetic and always have something to say about nathan, which i love, but it always brings me to tears. it is sometimes hard for me to be there. i don't want them to forget him, ever, but it still hurts to realize that nathan will never have what he longed to have. then there are the ones who don't know what to say, so they don't say anything. it is kind of awkward. then i have the ones who still say the dumbest things and i want to smack them. really, really stupid people. as we say in the deep south, "bless 'em".....

If i could just stay at home and never have to leave again, i would be better. my therapist thinks in some ways she can see why i think that way, but thinks it is good to get out some. and i have been able to get out more and more as time goes by, but i still don't like it and if there are too many people around me, my "inside" voive comes out and i say "i need to go home" and i check out and leave even if i haven't finished my shopping or whatever it was i set out to do. i just have to go home to my safe place. let me point out that i used to be a TYPE A personality and strong, leader-type, take charge, independent...this totally changed who i am.....or was.....i think this is what has upset my other 3 children. they are not used to this 'mother'. they can't stand to see me cry, to see me whither in a corner and not know the answers for them, or taking care of something that used to be easy. i couldn't go to the store for months and months. and then, when i did finally go, i couldn't remember what to get or where to find it and had breakdowns in the store and had to leave. so, for all the newbies here, this is not unusual.... just so you know.

i am making small, short strides, but it is a long, hard road and i cannot leave my counselor yet. i feel like i am tied to her apron strings at this point. i feel like she has helped us so much. i have a wonderful husband who has helped me through this. i am very fortunate....the children, well, they still have a lot to learn. i have 7 beautiful grandchildren and they do make me smile. there will be many bumps and curves and turns along this road i don't even want to think about it.... but i am stuck here so i will face it when it comes. for today, i will remember that i am nathan's mother, always and forever.

my heart goes out to all of you and i hope all of you can just take one step at a time today. :-)

love, diane

I, too, have had the same responses to the 'grief journey' as you....my children have said "Please don't change Mom"....and it is so hard for them to deal with losing their brother....I will pray that He will give you some Comfort in the places in your heart where you hurt the most....I am not a guru...but I do know that Love is going to pull me through this....and you and the others...we have to accept the Love given....

[shorty16]

Brenda - Love the bird pictures. I am an avid bird-watcher. We live in Wisconsin and I recognize many of those birds. However, with a temperature of -4F, the birds are in hiding keeping warm!!

Diane - It is good to see Nathan's face. Hang in there my friend. One step at a time.

Cara - I am glad you feel welcome here. I started posting on this forum only 2 weeks after Brian's death (6-19-2008). I could not imagine surviving without Brian. But i saw so many other parents who are surviving. I gained a bit of knowledge from each of them. It has been 4.5 years and we are finally bringing happiness to our lives again. I have two suviving children (19, 22 now). I am glad you feel welcome. This is a very special place.

Rhonda - So glad to see you posting again. I too do not post as much as I did. But I sure read. Thinking of you today and always.

Dee - Are you keeping warm in the Chicago area? We are freezing in Wisconsin. I have been talking with Trudi on the phone lately. I have finally learned the fine art of international dialing. She is seeing summer right now!!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Jeff's Mom]

I hope all and each......will be warm and taken care of.....I live in Brenham, Texas....so....we think it is cold when it is 32.....and we go in a tail spin if the temps go under 31......we are true Southern Texans....so I wish all of my Northern People....blessings to keep warm.....once again....I can glean a 'tiny' bit of comfort in what you post...and how you deal...and how we go down that foreign road....one step sometimes....two steps....maybe 3 back....but keeping on with the keep on....

I love visiting Texas. We have always found the people very courteous and friendly. We have mostly been to Corpus and San Antonio. Also a brief stay at King Ranch in Kingsville. Business related.

My memory is in a complete fog today and so I do not want to address anyone in particular for fear of forgetting someone. Suffice to say that I am keeping you all in my thoughts and sending loving wishes. And yes, Colleen is quite right when she says that with time the pain softens around he edges and happiness again begins to slowly find its way back into your life.

Another harsh day weather wise. I will never get used to this extreme cold. The are calling for a relief by the weekend. They are planning our annual Ice Festival. There will be ice car racing, curling, mini sled racing, and bombardier rides amongst other things. Ice fishing, etc. Should be fun if it warms up enough. Brenda...keep those pics coming. Thanks. They warm they heart. I sure miss the sound of the birds.

Love to all, Kate

[aim630]

I am sorry I missed so many angel dates and birthdays this past week:

Nathan, Micheal, Westley, and Rich...angels above, watching over your parents and family as they struggle to get through the days without you.

Diane, Trudi, Rhonda and Betsy-thinking of you all during this sad week.

In about 2 wks, it will be Ashley's 3rd angelversary. I sometimes still can't believe she's gone. The day after will be my step-granddaughter's 2nd birthday. My step-daughter asked if I minded her having the birthday party that weekend. I will be hard, but I like to think little Sofia has a lot of Ashley's spirit. She is easy-going and sweet like Ashley was, although she's as blond as Ashley was dark, and they aren't even really related. She just reminds me of Ashley when she was a baby.

Katie and I have made plans to go to Disney World the first week of March. We are using our tax refund. Probably shouldn't spend it on that. In 2009, Ashley spent her tax return on a trip t NYC.We told her she should save the money, or pay bills, but little did we know that was the last tax return she would receive. I'm glad she got to do something fun with the money.

I hope everyone that's been sick is feeling better. It's extremely cold here (well probably not as cold as where Kate is!)

Glad to see Kate back again, as well as Diane and Rhonda.

Thinking of you, Carol, as you have to deal with the fact that mistakes were made by the ones you trusted with Ralph's life. I still feel a lot of mistakes were made by the hospital in Ashley's death, and it makes you wonder what if...

To everyone: sweet dreams of your angels tonight.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[aim630]

Here are pictures of Sofia; Katie with Audrey and Lucas; Autumn; and Colten.

[ericasmom]

Amy and Col, good to see you both. I am in my busiest week of school, actually this and next week and since my computer from school no longer allows my posting, I will read and comment when I can. You are all with me and in my heart each day.

Be well. Going to the Art Institute with 120 kids today, should be lovely. After school painting project yesterday, tomorrow and Monday after school and then conference week. OH my goodness, I came home so tired yesterday, but the kids were adorable. If I am able tonight, I will post.

[ericasmom]

Our field trip was fabulous...each time I go to the ARt Museum I am amazed by something new or just some way that art influences a mood in me, or the kids. I go alone quite often, just times when that is what i need to restore my spirit, being surrounded by the art of others whose expression often was result of deep sadness, deep joy, or deep communion with nature. I am happy to have had this time today with the kids. The docents were wonderful as usual. Here they are, volunteers to guide folks through the museum and they have to take a year long training to be a docent so imagine their passion both for art and for kids to do this work without pay. Lovely.

So off to a dinner with my DIL's mom. She is lovely but boy, I am tired. When it rains it pours however, dinner with three different friends in one week after so many months of not being able to find a good day. They all fall this week, on top of the other busy crazy times. I guess it is supposed to be. Have a great night All.

[daveydow1]

Lora----I agree with you....no matter what age a child dies at, or how long ago,

the heartache is there. I know the sorrowful emotions that you feel when you

visit your daughter's gravesite. Once I was at the area where my baby Lisa is

buried...called 'Babyland'.....and I noticed a new little headstone on a grave

where the baby boy had died in 1945. A car pulled up and an elderly lady

and two other ladies got out and came to the gravesite. It was near Memorial

Day, and they brought flowers. The elderly lady admired the new headstone

for her baby, then cried. The other two ladies had tears also. This baby boy

passed over 60 years ago, and the mom still felt sorrow and pain......a parent

never forgets their child.

Brenda----thanks for the lovely bird pics. They are wonderful shots. I find

photographing birds to be a challenge, as they move & fly so quickly. Your

pics are perfect.

Kate----Oh,....the poor rabbit, looking for food. I hope that it found the dry

dogfood, and consumed it all so that the food doesn't attract wolves etc.

My computer seems to be working ok now.....I hope it holds out for awhile.

No cash to buy one right now. I don't think that the 'glitches' are major ones,

just smaller annoying stuff.

Dee----thanks. When I get the 'glitches' with my computer, I try using the

anti-virus software to help, or I can easily call Dave's friend....the computer

expert, and he's always glad to help me. The day will come when it becomes

absolutely necessary that I replace this one, but I think it will be a while yet.

Your trip to the Art Museum with the students must have been so enjoyable.

Becky----Glad to hear that you are getting more things revealed to you, and

that they help strengthen you. Peace to you.

Rhonda----So sorry that you have been overwhelmed with sad feelings.....a sad

time of year for you. May your dear Westley smile down on you and warm your

spirit.

Momofchip----It is so understandable that you are feeling anger toward your

daughter-in-law, and the situation where they take advantage of the SS income.

You are also wise to try to keep things civil with her so that you can continue

to see your little granddaughter....although I know it must not be an easy thing

to do. You are doing it for the little granddaughter, and it pays off because you

can have a relationship with her, that might not be permitted by the mom, if

you did not go out of your way to try to make things amiable.

Diane----I so understand your needing to go home to your safe haven when you

get stressed by too many people around you. You said Nathan wanted a family,

and the people bringing patients in brings sad feelings and regret. My son Dave

also was at that stage in his life too....but it was just not to be. Your short strides

are strides, nonetheless. Small baby steps can lead to more progress on this

rough journey.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[dsmurph]

That was a touching story Lora. I spoke with a frien tonight in her 70's who told me about her sister she lost in the 1960's, what her parents went through and how sometimes it still hits her hard. I will miss and long for my daughter for the rest of my life.

[Guest]

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[mysonrich]

Dee, sounds like a great time at the museum. One day I took the time to visit a local museum and there were a lot of kids enjoying themselves. I didn't think they were viewing the Faberge exhibit or the art of a local artist, Harold Little. beautiful work. In the back, tucked into a room all to itself was a great place for the kids. A little stage with costumes. Various teaching,hands-on stations. we stopped in for a beverage at the cafe' and had a nice chat with a co-worker, her daughter and husband,the owner. nice morning/afternoon.

Sherry, my computer makes a loud noise sometimes and once or twice a screen popped up telling me that the disks are being checked and "it" recommends that i allow 'it' to continue. I do. Just today I backed up pictures and a couple of files to flash drive until I get around to buying another.

Brenda, I love your photos. I've never had much luck with birds. One day last year i was able to walk up to a beautiful hawk, a very large hawk and take a few pictures. I’m sure they’re on this laptop somewhere. This is the best i could do , I would love to catch him in start up flight.

Rhonda, I'm sorry that you are feeling the sadness. I’m right there with you and I know it doesn't help but, we know.

I've been struggling with tears these past few days too. A couple of years ago members of BI were asked to make banners for another angel, her son Jason, his day, .Pinnacle Days. Bonnie flew our banners on that day too. I had 2 made. Not that I ordered 2. They forget to add openings at the top so that Rich’s banner could be attached and flown.

I still have things to go through. Not Rich's but I always rearrange. I have a tote of his things and things of Sarah s,if she ever wants them. School related things .Growing up things. Today I was going to figure out what to do with my fathers belongings. I don’t know what to do with this stuff. I don't want to deal with it. I unwrap a couple of things from their bubble-wrap, look at it and wrap it back up. There isn't much. I just don't want to do it. Today while rearranging, I talked to Rich’s banner while gently looking at the life that was his.

and I took a nap and later went shopping Patti. I needed socks. i picker up a few other things. It was a great sale.

Amy, great pictures. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I put new license plates on and I thought the first three letters spelled, AME. They don't . So forgetaboutit. Its just the new me .

kind of tired out today. no reason to be.I would say that its due to the cold temps, high of 32 today but when I read Kate’s post, it seems real warm here all of a sudden.

thinking of you all.

[BrendaDup59]

Hi, I wanted to stop in before I head to bed , I have to take Kaleb to the doctors in the morning , he has been sick with a cough and now he is running a fever and complaining of his jaw so it's either sinus/ear infection or strep .. I hate when they get sick.

Thanks for the wonderful compliments on my pictures , I told my mom I have to keep my curtains closed or I don't get anything done ,I really enjoy it ... I did sit down today and tried a drawing but I could not keep my son Brian off my mind and I sure can tell I have not been working on my drawing .. but I at least got myself to sit down for some reason I have just not been able to do that.. but I do miss it.

Dee I keep forgetting to tell you my grand daughter Jaci is getting over pneumonia so they are going to wait 6 weeks before they try and do her surgery on her mouth , she now has lost the other front tooth where she had hit her mouth and broke one tooth and Traci didn't know the other one was loose and she got up last week and it had come out .. I am really worried about her not having front teeth until she is 7 or 8? she just has really bad teeth . anyway Traci sent me a video tonight I wanted to share with you all ,this is Jaci and Jordan and Joe is climbing up the stairs .. they truly are my heart .. Jordan is so much like Brian . I hope the link works also here is a pic of my grand daughter Jayden Brian's oldest daughter stayed with me at Christmas .

Betsy .love your picture is that a blue herring?

Hope everyone has a good night . Love Brenda

my You Tube link

[westleysmom]

Brenda-They are adorable. Thanks for posting the video.

Amy-I've missed you and think of you often. I'm glad that Ashley got to go on her trip with her tax refund. Have a good time on your trip with Katie. I know what you mean about three years. It seems impossible and yet its true.

Sherry-Such a sad story of the older ladies coming to Babyland. My mother's brother died when he was 3 and she was a little older. I think it was the flu, but I don't remember exactly. My grandmother never mentioned Billy and now that I know how horrible it is to lose a child, I imagine that she thought of him much, even if she didn't talk about him.

Colleen-I did have to take something of a break, I was in a bad place and it was time to try to work through some of it on my own. I missed you all and hope that I can stay around more without it breaking my already shattered heart.

Dee-I hope you enjoy your dinner out and get some rest. I always say if I have one thing to do, I have a dozen. It seems to always work that way.

Kate-I hope it warms up for you soon. We've had a couple of days of teens for lows here in TN, but it warmed up today.

Carol-Thinking of you always and hoping that you are doing as good as you can. Hugs

[ericasmom]

Going to bed too Brenda. fell right to sleep in my chair watching a moment of an old Loretta Young movie. What was I thinking, like I need to try to stay up?

I love the " I'm cute, I'm cute," from Jaci. So adorable. And the kiss was so sweet. The boys are dolls too. I am glad that your DIL keeps you up-to-date with the kids in this way.

Sitting still can be very hard when you are grieving in part I think because our nervous system has been attacked by loss, it is hard to just be...

Betsy, that heron is gorgeous. I love how still they can stand while waiting for a fish to swim past.

Yes, the museum was a delight. Thanks.

Guess what? It is snowing, it is sticking, the roofs are white. It is not much but how pretty to have a light blanket of snow.

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, we posted at the same time. I hope that you can stay for a while too, though I totally get it when folks need to leave. Your saying is one I will use from here on out. It fits.

Bren, thanks for telling me about the little one's future surgery. Oh the photo of you and your Grandgirl is so pretty. You both are quite pretty, and I see a lot of your Son in your Grand girl.

Gretchen, are you okay?

[Guest]

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[daveydow1]

Betsy----You are right to backup your pics/files on a flashdrive. I should do

that too. One never knows when an older computer will crash.

I know...it is so difficult to go through stuff and sort it all out. I still have a

tote of Davey's clothes etc., also many other things of his. Can't seem to

be able to let go of it.

Lora----I agree....when you lose a beloved child, time does go on, and after

awhile it softens the pain, but we have to learn to live with pain and sorrow,

even if softer.

Brenda-----Hope that Kaleb is feeling better. Thanks for the video, and the

lovely pics.

Rhonda----So sad about your mom's little brother who died at age 3. Even

though your grandmother didn't talk about him much, she surely carried

so much sorrow and longing in her heart for her dear little boy.

Dee---It's cold here for the next few days. We also have a light coating of snow.

Have you had many birds coming to your feeders?

WISHING PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Mermaid Tears]

Am so upset.....last week my cousin died...his funeral was at the Wharton Funeral Home in Wharton, Texas....a little over an hour away from where I live....all of our family have had their Memorial services there.....my Mom died in '95 and my Dad died 8 months after....and I started thinking about walking into the Funeral home. I have attended many Memorial services since my parent's passed....but I was wondering how I would hold-up after losing my John David.

Grief and Memory are strange bedfellows.....for now....it can be a word..a phrase..a song...a photo....and memory comes back so vivid. I can sit and try to 'remember' but that does not do until a certain 'portal' opens up all on it's own....and then I am flooded with memories and detail...that I have not thought about in years.

I woke up Friday morning with the memory of after my Dad passed...and when everyone had to leave...and go back to their normal lives....I stayed to take care of "the home" I had lived in since I was 5 years old....and take care of all the details....and all that belonged to my parents....but....John David stayed with me for another 2 weeks....and all those long ago memories came back...he knew that I would need him....he was the child that knew that no matter how strong everyone thought I was....I was still their child in that home.

I decided I just wasn't going to go there....for I was not quite ready ...and I would just have a huge melt-down...so I stayed away....I sent flowers.

Since then...I have had 3 family members to send me snippy e-mails asking me 'why'...'they were so disappointed' ....'the family really needed me'.....I am trying to compose some type of communication...to let them know I was just not emotionally ready...and of course, I am sorry I did not do my 'family duty'....in our family you HAVE to show up....so I am wondering just what I should tell them....??

I really would just like for everyone to leave me alone...I did go to the social event on Saturday night...and the one on Sunday....so I am not being a recluse..and I am not a hateful or mean person.....I just couldn't face the Wharton Funeral Home. I just wish I could talk to my Grama about all this.

[ericasmom]

Susan, I read your post at school but could not reply, so here is my reply. I think I would address the family very squarely...I am sorry if you were disappointed in my not joining in at the wake and funeral of our dear cousin ______, whom I love very much. He knows it, he is with my sweet Child and they know of my heart. They also both understand that when a parent buries her child, going back to a funeral in the same place that held her Son just 5 months earlier might be too much for her so she should not feel obliged to go, she should be able to make this decision with the love and understanding and support of her family and friends. I am living in a new world now, my days are filled with tears and memories and learning how to live with purpose in the face of such a loss, and when I am able to go to funerals and wakes again, I will go, but until then, I would expect your graces in my absence.

Enough said ---Susan, let it go after that and with hope, the fam will come to understand or not. We can't make folks get it.

[aim630]

Susan-There have been several funerals in the past 3 years that I could NOT go to. I also couldn't step foot into the same hospital where Ashley died one year and one day later when my step-granddaughter was born. Unless someone has been through this they don't really understand. Dee's reply is spot-on. It is a shame that your family members don't understand. Maybe after explaining to them, they will, but like Dee said, some people will just never get it (and lucky for them they don't)

[Mom of Chip]

Susan...I understand exactly what you are feeling...I, too, found it hard to go back to church after having Chip's funeral there..In fact, I did not go back until the last Sunday in October..On that morning our church celebrated Pentecost and all the members who had died during the year were honored by their name being read and a bell being rung and a cross hung for them. It was very healing, but I think I cried more in that service than I did at his funeral..then there was funeral a few days later for a dear friend who came to Chip's funeral...I went to his funeral, but I couldn't bear to give my condolences to his daughters...I had to leave. Since then we have been to church spasmodically, I always shed some tears during the service...and most people in the church don't really understand...

However, one lady in the church whose husband died about 6 years ago, said that her mother-in-law told her that her son dying was much worse than when her husband died... She says she can't imagine what it would be like to lose a child so she does understand that my pain is over the top. She has given me some comfort.

I like what Dee said...you have to be firm and tell it like it is sometimes. There will probably be some in the family who will understand your pain when you explain how you feel...

but if there are those who don't...that is their problem..not yours...and they may come to understand eventually, too.

DON'T EVER LET ANYBODY TELL YOU WHAT YOU SHOULD FEEL OR DO....IT'S YOUR GRIEF AND YOU HAVE TO HANDLE IT HOWEVER BEST HELPS YOU HEAL.

[Guest]

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[BrendaDup59]

Hi, well as I expected Kaleb has a sinus/ear infection and they put him on antibiotics and I hope he starts to feel better soon. we spent the day piled up on my bed watching a movie and then he fell asleep when he will sleep instead of playing on his xbox I know he is one sick lil guy . Thank you all for the sweet compliments on my Jaci video ..Thanks again Brenda

[KC's Mom]

Susan I am so sorry you have to fight this battle with your family so soon after you lost your son. It's hard for me to imagine anyone could even think there was any possibility you could attend. I attended my hometown church where my son's funeral was held 3 years after he left us and forgot I hadn't been there since his funeral. I had to leave in tears after I realized and the memories came flooding back. I live in Texas but we are from Ohio and that is where we took Casey to be buried.

I think Dee's response was very good and I think you should let it go too. You can't change it and you don't need to give it any more of your energy.

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you...thank you...thank you....so grateful I found this website...and each of you...more later...