Loss of an Adult Child

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[westleysmom]

Gretchen-Sorry I missed Forest's birthday yesterday. I have been trying to find time to get on and read and catch up but haven't completely.

Amy-Love to see your pretty girl's face when I check in here. I know next month will be hard for you and am thinking of you.

Shelly-Sometimes I can't carry on a decent conversation in person anymore, much less on here. I am glad you are still here.

Dee-Cold here too, although we were 70's Tuesday and there were tornadoes in TN. None right here close, though. Take care and get rest when you can. I don't think I'm teacher material, it sounds very tiring!

Sweet dreams of your angels to all

[ericasmom]

Hi and Good sleep to all, the temps are plunging and I am going to dive under my covers. I have been a very busy bee, but all is well. I do so love my job, it gets this hectic once or twice per year so it is doable, but I do look forward to laying back come saturday night.

Love to all,

dee

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Looking out my front door this morning...

This one looking out back...

[dsmurph]

So Pretty Jared's Mom, Becky!

[tobyfreefoot]

BECKY you have such a beautiful home!

DEE i watched the video and i see what you mean. the young man has that exuberance and lust for life forest always had/has?

[aim630]

I woke up this morning with a bad feeling, because I hate February, then Katie (my 19 yr old) called crying from college and said she's been sad and depressed for the past 5 years. (Ashley's only been gone 3 yrs). She said she's never really happy, even when she is happy she is sad and empty. I told her she needs counseling, but she says she does not have time to go. She seemed fine to me, until several months ago, when a few of her friends had a falling out with her. She's been having boy problems also. I am so scared and don't know what to do. I told her if she ever thought of harming herself, she should just kill me first. She is 3 hrs away, we will go down ther tomorrow, but this is beyond me. I don't know how to force her to go for help. I am from the school of pick yourself up by your bootstraps and go on, and even after losing Ashley, I still find joy in little things, it's the only way I can cope. I realize I can't just tell her to snap out of it. I am so worried, I couldn't even function at work today. Does anyone have any experience with this type of thing?

Amy/Ashley's mom

[dsmurph]

When you see her tomorrow, or call her tonight, pour your heart out. Tell her you can not stand the thought of losing her too. My daughter gets free counciling services at her school. Do they offer that there? I f so, maybe if you just really open up, maybe you can talk her into going. I'm sure you may have already done this. I am just giving suggestions. We lost our daughter because we didn't know how she was truly feeling inside. If your daughter has confided in you, maybe she is taking a step forward, wanting to do something to help her not feel that way anymore. I wish my daughter had told me. Blessings

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[ericasmom]

Amy, I think it is HUGE that Kate called you and told you that she is unhappy. (Murph, I agree) It could be that she has not been super aware of her unhappiness until recently. As kids become adults they take a look backwards and see what their lives have been about and sometimes feel that they have little in their lives that they are proud of or hold dear.

Certainly the death of her beloved Sister is affecting this sense of things, but she may now feel that she was not actually happy even prior to this. This does not lessen the affects of her Sis dying, it may be that she needed, whether concsciously or not, time to be able to take this look backwards. The calendar moving iinto that month that carries so much heaviness makes perfect sense to this sadness too. We grieve differently than young people, they often need years before they deal with grief, and when it wakes up with them each day, they are frightened and unsure as to how to proceed. I agree with you and DSMURPH< counseling is definitely a big goal here. Her saying she hasn't time means to me that she will consider it but feels overwhelmed by her studies perhaps, by life in general. I am glad that you are going to see her tomorrow, tonight you can make a list of therapists in the area where she resides including those on campus. Tell whomever you do contact that you are looking for someone with many years experience in working with young adult females, it also should more than likely be a female as it will be easier for her to relate to a woman with issues of boyfriends and girlfriend problems.

I know that you are frightened, we all would be and we will be riding shot-gun as you get to Katie tomorrow and hold her while she shares what she can.

[aim630]

DSMURPH, Lora, and Dee -Thank you all for replying. I told her that my mom and I were coming tomorrow, and she said we didn't need to, that she'd be fine. I told her I needed to come see her. I've been reading a lot about depression, and it's not just something you can talk yourself out of. Sometimes there is a chemical imbalance and therapy and medication can help. I know she is stressed, working 2 jobs (temporarily), she has a 3.9 GPA, and is worried about getting an internship. Then this guy broke her heart last weekend, so that didn't help.

There is counseling available at college, it's just getting her to go. I'm glad she asked for help. My 28 yr old brother went through counseling when he was a teenager, so he is going to call her. He is more like a big brother than an uncle to her.

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[ericasmom]

This was in an email today from a friend who just lost his Dad. He sent it knowing how sweet I would find it.

“Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you used to. Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air or solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Pray, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner. All is well. “ --Henry Scott Holland

Sherry, the temps will rise through the night as our high today was 5 until this eve when it went to 15. So we will be in the 20's tomorrow and I am happy about that.

Gretchen, I am so glad that you saw that most delightful video and sensed the likeness to Forest as well.

[ericasmom]

Amy, so glad that you are going and three generations of women? that right there is healing. Nice, keep us posted.

[dsmurph]

Good! I really think that hormones effect females more than we realise. The day after Emily passed I started and knew Emily would have been starting too because we were on the same cycle. I think she had an imbalance.

[Mom of Chip]

Amy, I think it is good that you and your mom are going to see Kate today. Urge her to get counseling. It will help her identify what is really bothering her and teach her how to cope with it. Prayers go out to you.

Dee, thank you for the poem. I am going to send it to Chip's older daughter, brother and sister..I think it will help them to heal. It certainly spoke to me.

Weather is crazy here. Never know what to expect in Texas...It's in the 30's this morning..Quite cool for us. Brrrr!

I think this weekend will be a good one for me. Chip's younger daughter, Sami, is coming to visit and will go to church with us tomorrow. I'm expecting a happy weekend.

Love and hugs to everyone...I hope you have a good day.

[ericasmom]

Hi Del, I am glad the poem helped you and hope it can just make a little clearing for your kids. That's what poems do for me, like a shoveled walkway where there once were drifts, a moment of clarity.

Texas has certainly endured some huge weather changes, I do hope it warms up for you. Today it is lightly snowing, we actually have about 1.5 inches of new snow and it is pretty. The temps will be in the 20's. HOoray. I will be going to school to set up the table for the treasure box silent auction. My husband made the boxes, my student council votes for a favorite design from each classroom (28) and I stayed after school three evenings to allow the kids to paint their designs on the boxes. Then today, we will silent auction the boxes in hopes to raise funds to assist a media center/library to be developed in Ghana. We have raised about 2000 books, we will do another book drive in March for Dr. Suess' birthday, and then we will have done some good solid help. Outreach is what it is all about. We sometimes raise up to $1000.00 for our silent auction, but it will likely be more like $500.oo. We keep a small portion of it at school for a school based endeavor, like our new garden club, and usually gift $50.00 to a local charity. So all day at school and then home, but I am happy to be on this end of the very very busy time.

I send my thoughts to those we don't see often, Carol, Trudi, Betty, Betsy, Leah, Bonnie, Marcia, Greg, Kathy, and all the wonderful parents I have met here.

Colleen, I am so glad that you went to CF meeting and felt what you can give ot others.

[tobyfreefoot]

dee i really love what you posted!!! saving it in a grief file i have.

amy all of my remaining children have had some depression issues at sometime-before their brother even died. my happiest child lost part of an earbud in my car a couple years ago and burst into tears and said he was so depressed all he thought about was shooting his brains out. he did ask for counseling. my middle son drinks way too much to deal with it and refuses counseling, my bipoloar daughter has been a rollercoaster for a long time. i am so sorry but that she let you know is absolutely the most important thing!! maybe just spending the night together and talking like girlfriends would help. that would let her know you are listening and can be trusted not to freak on her. the fact she confided in you is a good sign. it is very worrisome and hard i know. the stress is overwhelming sometimes. mine have gotten some better i think but it takes a lot of time and patience.

i promise i won't post anymore music for awhile but this video has always totally reminded me of my son, forest and today we are going to play laser tag and send up sky lanterns for his birthday that was the 30th. he was 30.

also here are pics of the memorial at night

[Sholl1955]

Awoke this morning with a familiar deep painful feeling. So strong I could feel it physically . At first i thought it was due to the dreary days, then it hit me like a brick, Last year this time was the start of the downhill plunge for our dear Sarah. I have been dreading the one year anniversary in March, but it was this time last year that Sarah entered the hospital, for what became the last time. She was still in active treatment with the doctor saying the outlook was good and they would just change the meds. We spent the entire month of February in the hospital until a week before she died, which she spent at hospice. I thought I left the debilitating pain behind.......Not so......

Sandy

[shellyku]

Oh Sandy - I'm so sorry you awoke to "that feeling". I pray this month is not too hard on you but it is the month of your worst nightmare. May God bless you with the good memories of Sarah and minimize the bad.

Gretchen - I loved the song you posted. I've never heard of that band but I really liked the music and the lyrics!

Amy - thinking of you as you visit your Kate. Sounds like she has so much going on besides the loss of her sister. My husband's sister lost her 21 year old daughter in an accident. She has a younger daughter who refuses to accept that her older sister died. She attends college also, doesn't really want to leave college and move on with her life, and doesn't really like coming back home on break.

When she does, she just stays in her bedroom. I don't think she's dealing with her sister's death...it's too hard. I'm not saying this is true of your daughter, I just think it could be part of what she's going through. Prayers to you that this situation will be resolved.

Del - I hope you have a blessed weekend!

Dee - Thanks for posting that poem. I have it printed after finding it on a local newspaper grief website. That one and the one that starts "I'll lend you for a little while a child of mine He said, one

to love the while he lives, and mourn for when he's dead. It may be six or seven year, or twenty-two

or three, but will you, til I call him back, take care of him for Me?...." Sounds like you're doing

God's work with the silent auction, etc. Bless you Dee! I also send my thoughts to the people you

mentioned.

I'd like to come back tomorrow and tell you all of a "project" my dear sister-in-law created called

Smiles by Sarah. It is quite incredible the things she's doing, that I feel I have the strength to get involved in after these 2 1/2 years since Sarah passed. I pray each and everyone here has a blessed weekend with dreams and visits from their sweet angels! Love, Shelly

[daveydow1]

Sandy----Your new job sounds very rewarding, and helping people is

fulfilling. I'm glad that you like the job. Thinking of you as Sarah's

angel day approaches in March, and sending prayers.

Becky---Thanks for the beautiful winter pics.

Amy----I agree with dsmurph and Dee. It's good that you are going

down to the college to see Katie. I hope that you can convince her

to get counseling. It sounds like she has a lot of stresses right now.

Peace to you and Katie.

Dee----Thanks for the writing. Very nice. I kinow it's difficult to follow

the gentle suggestions in the verse, but it does help to look at things

in a positive light.....even if for a little while. It's snowy here. Many

birds at the feeders.

Del----So nice that your granddaughter is coming to visit for the weekend.

Gretchen----Thanks for the music.

Shelly------Hi ......hope you are doing ok. Thinking of you.

Lora-----It's good that you and your children have such an open line of

communication. Sometimes they don't want to talk with parents, but

if we can be non-judgemental, then they are much more apt to talk with

us.

PEACE TO ALL

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Shelly, I look forward to hearing about Smiles for Sarah. SOunds like a real uplifting cause. Yes, today was busy, we will collect about $600.00 toward our goal from today's event. That is pretty nice. Outreach is where we find our hearts quite often, and where we find a way and a place to grow them.

Gretchen, I agree with Shelly, the music was great and I had never heard the Cruxshanks before. LoVED that song and that energy. I hope that today's laser tag in Forest's memory is a blast. THe photos are lovely, so very peace-filled.

Sandy, yes, the triggers are sometimes not even known to us externally, something internal, that calendar of loss that reminds us, oh it is that time. I know how this feels, I do. The build up will be difficult at best. Hang on and rely on letting out your story and your emotions with us. Nothing easy about meeting these dates head-heart-on.

Del, I do hope time with your Grand-girl is great and that church and the day feels good.

[ericasmom]

Sherry, the snow is pretty here, gentle and guided in some clouds to help give us a bit of warmer temps. The birds have been super active.

Stay warm and enjoy the weekend.

[Mitomom]

Hello everyone. I was encouraged to join this group. My name is Krystal. I am 28 with three beautiful kids. 2 1/2 yr old Ayzac, 5 yr old Taija and 7 yr old Kazzdon. My youngest child was born with Mitochondrial disease. A very unique and complicated disease. His cells don't produce enough energy to sustain life. He has been a fighter and my hero. We have spent over 20months of his short life in hospital. I was always told his Mito would take him from me one day but we have always had hope and pushed on. Just last week I was told Ayzac does not have long to live. He has stage 4 kidney disease and due to his Mito he is not a candidate for dialysis or transplant. He is nearing end stage failure. Prognosis is 6-12 months with a 50% chance of sudden renal failure. I am going to lose him....I am not prepared and I am finding it hard to keep it together even though he is still with us. I'm having to think about DNR's and funeral arrangements and it makes me want to throw up. I don't know how I am going to get through this...I am terrified and feeling myself lose control...

[westleysmom]

Mitomom-I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult thing, the deepest darkest fear that all of us as moms and dads have. It is not fair, and I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I have been coming here off and on since my son died 3 years ago. He was 20 years old and would have been 21 the next week. He died in his sleep of combined acute intoxication at a friend's house. Some here lost their kids from accidents, illness, you name it. It doesn't matter how they go so much as that they are gone, and we thought they'd always be here. I hope you are able to keep coming to talk here, it has helped me so much and I have made some wonderful friends who really understand like most people in my life do not. Hugs to you as you find your way through the maze of grief and sorrow. I wish I could help you more, but I will be thinking of you and sending you strength.

Peace to all here and sweet dreams of your angels.

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[Mom of Chip]

Mitomom...glad to see you decided to come here..Everyone on this thread feels your pain....Prayers are going out to you.

[Sholl1955]

Thank you to all who have responded to my post and for the encouraging words. Just knowing there is a place to run to get genuine understanding is a life line.

Sandy

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[ericasmom]

Lora, hope that you get some rest and begin to feel better. Is it bitter cold there? It is very cold here, even though it did get to 20 today, it's feeling like 0 with wind chill. Stay warm, wish I could help.

Mito's Mom, all I can do is pray for your Child, for the other Kids in the family, for the Doctors to know how to help as much as possible, and for You. SO many prayers for you because we know what pain you are dealing with, knowing what you know. SO deep prayers and hope for you all.

Sandy, it is what this place is for us all, a life-line, a place in which to breathe and cry and talk and know that you are heard and that your emotions are shared.

[tobyfreefoot]

mitomom i am so sorry that your life has to have this terrible sadness. the only thing i know is that each of our children no matter how long or how short a time we had them is worth every ounce of grief we have endured since losing them. love all your children as much as you can in the time you have together as a family so that you will know in your heart you were the best mom you knew how to be and made memories with your children that you will all be able to hold dear when the time comes. like lora i lost my child to a sudden accident. those people here that have had to struggle with a terminally ill child will probably be better equipped to speak to you about this. you are in a good place to find people that understand.

sandy it is so hard when you are already dreading an upcoming date to get blind sided by one you weren't focused on. thinking of you as you make your way.

lora sorry you aren't feeling well. hope you are back in the pink sooon.

it was in the sixties today when we did the laser tag. it was a blast! forest would have loved it! i can hear him in my mind now laughing and running and yelling. we ate chocolate cheese cake (his favorite) so here is a video of some of our crazy sky lantern launches. we did have to run to put out two fires. the paraffin fell out of one and it got too cold at the end for one that was late taking off to stay aloft. the memorial really looks like a party favor now. we also scattered confetti on his grave (not very ecological but pretty) and toasted with cake flavored vodka--those that were driving or don't drink poured it n his grave. all in all it was fun and life affirming.

awww it wouldn't let me show the video so a couple pics instead

[shellyku]

Good Morning my friends! Mitomom I hope you continue to come to this site. Even if you don't post, reading lets you know what a compassionate group this is. Let us help you if we can.

If I may take a few minutes of your time, I'd like to tell you about Smiles by Sarah.

When Sarah's leukemia relapsed, she was sent to University of Penn to get chemo to try to achieve a second remission. During that month-long stay, no one could visit her in Phila because of her low

immune system. My oldest brother's wife, Barb, sent a beautiful Vera Bradley bag filled with 14 (2 weeks worth) individually wrapped gifts. Sarah was to open one each day for 14 days. There were items like hand cream, lip gloss and such, but there were also items like a little picture frame, a beautiful journal with a pen, expensive chocolates. I must tell you Sarah loved this. It gave her a treat to look forward to each day.

Another aspect to this story is that Barb knew when the gifts would run out. She tried to think of something else she could send Sarah to lift her spirits. She wondered if the hospital would allow Sarah to have satin sheets! She settled for just a satin pillowcase and was about to send that down with one of us but Sarah died before she could.

This is how Smiles by Sarah was born. Barb started it by collecting bookbags and school supplies at a few of the summer picnics she had last year. When she sent her invitations out for them she asked people to bring school supplies to donate to her project. When it was all said and done, she filled 30 bookbags and donated them to the elementary school Sarah attended. That will be a yearly project. That project is actually called Tools for School. My Sarah was an elementary school teacher.

The Smiles by Sarah project is one where Barb makes up Cheer Chests, similar to the bag she sent Sarah. They are the pretty photo boxes you buy at the craft store filled with 7 wrapped items.

She makes separate ones for male and female patients battling leukemia. She donated 12 of these so far to the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society and they find the recipients. When LLS saw these they were so pleased, they had our local Pediatric Cancer Foundation contact Barb and now PCF wants to partner with Barb to provide these Cheer Chests to children. Isn't that incredible?

I've taken so much of your time but am so excited about this. I am ready to jump in with both feet! I wish I knew how to post pictures so you could see a finished Cheer Chest. Barb took pictures of everything she did and they are quite wonderful. By the way, Barb makes a homemade pillow case for each one.

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Double post!

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[Sholl1955]

Mitomom, you are in my thoughts and prayers as you go down this terribly painful road. It is so very hard to watch your precious baby go through the pain an suffering and not be able to do anything to stop it. We are here for you now and will be here later too. Just take one day at a time and love on him. He has the best mama a little boy could have. Come here often and you will find so much love and understanding. I am so sorry you have to walk this journey

Sandy

[Sholl1955]

Rough night. Woke this morning in tears. It feels like what I would think PTSD feels like. Not liking it one bit.

Sandy

[Sholl1955]

Rough night. Woke this morning in tears. It feels like what I would think PTSD feels like. Not liking it one bit.

Sandy

[ericasmom]

Sandy, I have had bouts of PTSD, it is a real condition for many of us. I would say you should give yourself a break, this life, this new life, is filled with so much change for you, therapy might be just the thing right now if you can swing it. Make a timeline of the last two years for yourself, look at the changes in so short a time and then breathe. Know that this kind of change is the very hardest and all of us that faced our first year anniversary began panic feelings about the same time, at around the 10month mark. Hang on, keep talking to us, take walks, do good things for your spirit, you will get through this time, Hold our hands.

Shelly, tears spring to my eyes when I read of these wonderful opportunities of outreach, and that they are furthering into the Pediatric Cancer wards is so rewarding. I do think that Sarah is leading with her light. So lovely. I think thatyour taking part in this will put a smile in your heart as well. Peace and thanks for sharing. Oh and never apologize for a longer than your usual post. I for one, love when others post more, let's me into your world some.

[tobyfreefoot]

sandy i think it might be ptsd. i don't know but seems like many of us seem to have many of the symptoms. i am so sorry you are having such a bad time. i did have days where getting out of bed was almost more than i could do. i am so much better than i was. i still have bouts but life has a more positive vibe than it has in months. i am just off the high of celebrating my son's birthday which went so beautifully and his friends were so happy to be together that i am feeling good that he left such a legacy.

one day the morning will have a glimmer of hope though it may be a long time coming, it will come. you will have a sliver of happiness that you got to be the mom of your loving girl without having to force the thought. it will begin to fill that space that is breaking your heart. i didn't believe it when i came here. i didn't even want it to be true but when i have a day like today i can see how forest's life has and continues to enrich my life. you are in my heart today.

[Mermaid Tears]

I have come many times and have read the posts....once again...feelings of gratitude fill my broken spirit....the 'reading'...'Death is nothing at all'......is so dear to me.....my Mom was dying of cancer in the hospital..in Texas...I was living in Slidell, La......I dropped everything and went home...she and my Dad wanted me there....my sister and brother lived close by...but I am the oldest....we talked of many things and she wanted me to 'speak' at her funeral....she and I are book lovers....and one of her favorite authors was Rosamund Pilcher....and from the book 'September'...I took that....and read it at her funeral...and she died in September..John David liked it a lot....8 months later my Dad died...and so from time to time I would pull that out..and re-read it...and it gave me so much comfort.....I put that in John David's Memorial...a friend read it.I am beginning to have a knowledge that I didn't have before....it is like peeling the thin layers of an onion apart.

Lora....I hope you are feeling better....I do so empathize with you on the "what's the use" kind of days...I have many....thankful it isn't every, every day.....

Dee....I have written my cards....and used what you wrote as the 'base' of what I wrote...I waited to see how many others would make some snide remark over my not being there....I was upset...and angry....then....with the passage of time....I got to the place where I could also send my love and consideration to all.....

I read something the other day...it went something like this...I cannot quote word for word....

I sought happiness. I offered service. In serving...I found happiness.

We have gained another 'eye'....because of the loss we have suffered.....I think we have a gift to offer now.....for when we seek to comfort the broken hearted....we are comforted.

I may not 'say' your name...but sometimes I get overwhelmed by emotion...in reading the posts...for in each one...I find a part of myself mirrored....understood...hand holding my hand.

[tobyfreefoot]

shelly the program sounds wonderful and so glad the Pediatric Cancer Foundation has thrown in with it. i made a similar thing for my cousin leslie when she was dying from breast cancer. i tried to include things she could use in bed to brighten her day, a kaleidoscope, coloring book and crayons, a music cd etc. it was very near the end of her life and i think she did appreciate it very much. such a wonderful thing to do in sarah's memory. funny how our children's deaths somehow make other people's lives a little brighter. the love for our children translates on through life to make the world a better place. bless you.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

So sorry Mitosmom, that just breaks my heart for you. Please keep coming back, as this site has been a lifeline for so many of us, with kids of every age. My boy, Jared, just 15, was killed when hit from behind by an SUV while skateboarding. It's been 16 months today, and I feel llke I have come a long long way, but still have much further to go. He is in my thoughts everyday.

Shelly, I love the "Sarah's Smiles" outreach. That sounds wonderful!! I want to do something like that, if I ever get past our efforts to do something about the laws in our state, and the speed limit here. I would like to do some sort of a public outreach.

New poster made today...

[Mom of Chip]

Just got back from the cemetery...Today marks 6 months since Chip left us...I still can't understand why..Why did he have to get cancer? Why did he have to leave us?

I cried a lot of tears today..and I talked to him....telling him how much I love him and how much I miss him...I wish he was here so I could talk to him. He was the one person who could make me see the reality of things and keep my head level. I miss having those talks with him.

Sometimes I feel that I am beginning to heal..but today makes me wonder about that. It's been a rough day.

His 8 year old daughter was here this weekend. We had a good time, but after I took her home today...everything seemed to be so different..almost like his last day in the hospital...Oh, how I wish he had not gone thru so much pain. What did he do to deserve that?

[ericasmom]

Del, even over 9 years later, I remember the day of our 6month mark of loss. The doorbell rang and there was a delivery of flowers from my sis-in-law in Boston area. Then a box came, a small box also from Boston area, teh Cohasset Jewelers, and in that box a beautiful silver disk, thin as a dime with a Chinese character engraved on it that means: Beautiful Daughter with EER engraved in it as well, Eri's initials, Erica Eileen Reith. I have only taken it off once when the chain broke, and then when I have had to have surgeries. But otherwise, that mark of time was met with this lovely gift. I had a very tearful 6 month day, it seemed impossible that so many days could go by and yet feel as though the tragedy may have been two days prior. Such a strange thing time is. But let me assure you too, that as strange as time is, it is also time that assists us as we go forward. Let there be time in which to sort through the many emotions, don't rush yourself and when you have a very good day, look at that and say, well, I know it is possible, I may not have too many in a row, but they do happen. And they do, and they will increase one day, not now maybe but further down the road. Have that talk with your Chip tonight, tell him how you are feeling, talk out loud if you can comfortably do so, he hears you, he does.

Susan, I love that we have gained another eye...I so agree.

Becky, you are doing a huge service as you fight the good fight Dear, you are trying to make life safer for all. Peace to you.

[Mermaid Tears]

Mom of Chips.....was thinking of you today when I went to church this morning...that there was another Mom out there that was treading the '6 Month' mark....and I said a prayer for you...my daughter said last night something profound...."Why put a value on a certain date....when every day is hard".....I had to think of that....for I know she and her 4 brothers are in a deep grief....and there they are....working...raising their children....trying to carve a new normal....and have to keep on with the keep on.....they or me don't seem to get a 'time out' to fit our way in this new kind of family we have now without our John David.....bless her heart....she has a 19 yr. old...twins that are 15...boy and girl....and a 9 year old......the 15 year old girl twin has been 'misbehaving'...giving them sleepless nights.....and my daughter started crying tonight and said..."I am praying for John David to help me"......and he had such a special relationship with her children....was there at all their births...so many photos with his arms around each of them.....who knows....maybe his spirit is around them....I can only wish and imagine.....and ask for him to be with his sister. Thanking each of you that come here and post your thoughts and cares.....Dee....thank you for being a 'map' for us...in this foreign land......

[Mermaid Tears]

So sorry Mitosmom, that just breaks my heart for you. Please keep coming back, as this site has been a lifeline for so many of us, with kids of every age. My boy, Jared, just 15, was killed when hit from behind by an SUV while skateboarding. It's been 16 months today, and I feel llke I have come a long long way, but still have much further to go. He is in my thoughts everyday.

Shelly, I love the "Sarah's Smiles" outreach. That sounds wonderful!! I want to do something like that, if I ever get past our efforts to do something about the laws in our state, and the speed limit here. I would like to do some sort of a public outreach.

New poster made today...

Hooray for our Warrior Mom.....we need you....and applaud you.....

[mikesmomrs]

(DEE: I know you said you like to read long posts...good thing, because this one turned out even longer than my usual...)

Hello to all...I have not posted in a while, but have been reading and trying to follow along, as well as keeping you all in my prayers. Thursday was five months since my best friend and beloved left this earth. It hardly seems possible. Today was my dad's birthday...he was born in 1894, so this would be his 119th birthday. He never met our son, Mike, but I know they would have liked each other. My dad and my husband Mike grew very close in the short 6 years that they knew each other. They played cribbage together a lot when we would visit my parents' home and my mom and I would go out shopping. I so hope that they are playing again in Heaven, and teaching young Mike how to play as well. My dad was an awesome man, and I hold him close in my heart always. He was 52 when I was born, and back then, 52 was old, but I never thought of him as old. He was just my dad and I always knew that he loved me. My birthday is on the 7th, so we often celebrated our birthdays together, as he was a commercial fisherman and usually wasn't home for both dates. Happy birthday, daddy...I love you and still miss you. This will be my first birthday in 48 years that I will not wake up and be greeted by my husband with a big smile, a sweet kiss and a "Happy birthday, sweetie" as I begin my day.

I have been moving through the days one at a time, having learned after young Mike's leaving us that one day at a time is the only way to move through this sorrow. Sometimes, as all of us here have learned, we must take one minute at a time, and I have retraced my steps into that realm, as well. There are days when I am able to remember only the joy, remember the sweetness of life with Mike, and those days give me strength for the days when all I can seem to remember is how to cry. I know, from moving through the six and a half years since our son died, that the days of crying will come less often, and the joys will come more frequently, but it takes time. And the "time" is different for everyone.

Life with the new puppy has been an adventure...she is good company and provides me with a reason to stay on somewhat of a schedule...you can't tell a puppy to wait for her "out to nature call" because this might be a day when the need to grieve and mourn is more present than other days...you just have to bundle up, get the leash, and go. I felt a little guilt at first, after getting her...Mike wanted a small dog so bad, and we never got to get one before he died, and here now I have one...but whenever I take her out, I see hearts everywhere, usually within the first couple of minutes of being out. The snow has provided many, but I've seen them in the street...a heart-shaped leaf will blow by and land at my foot, a salt stain on the street will show up as a perfectly formed heart, or even better, there will be one inside of the other...the "two" signs that Davis wondered if we would see now that we have two we love so much sending them. the other day when I went to wash out her water dish, the little bit of water that had been left in it had dried up and left a stain in the shape of a heart. I smiled as I carried it to the sink, knowing that even though I would wash it away, it would stay in my memory. Young Damon was here last week and we took Lucy for a walk. Damon was walking along the tops of the snowbanks (remember doing that when we were 8? what fun!) and came across a perfect little heart, made of half-melted snow, now an icy shape of love sent just to him. He was so tickled. He put it on his chest and spoke of how awesome it was that he found it. We spent the rest of the walk looking about for hearts and found many, including one on the side of a tree, next to which he had stopped to slide down a hill of snow leaning against it.

We have some new parents here, and I am so sad to see this, but very glad that you have found your way here...you will find much comfort, understanding, and even a lot of wisdom as you work your way through this grief over the loss of your precious child. Dee wrote once that we who have gone before you "leave footprints for you to follow in," and I find these words to be so wise and comforting. By the way, DEE, the writing you posted about "Death is Nothing at All," is so beautiful, and I have it posted on young Mike's memorial website on a page of poems and quotes regarding grieving our loss. It is comforting and on those days when we can allow the words to warm our hearts, we will take a few steps forward, just as our child wishes us to do.

Mitomom: I am so sorry to hear about your precious little Ayzak and his diagnosis and prognosis. Our son lived for 17 months after getting his diagnosis of brain cancer in April of 2005. He was 31 when he died. It is so very sad that your little one is so small and his time on this earth so short...I know this likely sits in your heart like a heavy, heavy rock, and adds to the burden you carry. Prayers for you and for your family, and especially your little Ayzak. Loving him now, each day, is the best medicine for him and for you, and the memories you make now will be there for you when you need them. It must be very difficult with three small children, having one of them so ill and I imagine needing so much more of your time. Your feelings of terror and fear of loss of control are completely normal for one in your situation. That being said, it doesn't help to ease the sorrow you live with. I send strength to you, and to your family, along with prayers and good thoughts for you to be able to cope with all of this in the best way possible. Please feel free to come here and talk about your son, share his life with us, and let us be here for you. We here understand.

Amy: So very sorry to hear about Katie and the problems she is having. My prayers go to her and you that things will be helped by perhaps her seeking counseling at school. I know that your trip to see her will bring her strength and she will feel the love that you bring in your heart.

Shelly: The "Smiles for Sarah" project sounds just wonderful. How very special that your sister-in-law felt moved to do that and provide some joy to others. I have been trying to think of something to do and have come up with nothing but blanks. However, listening to your story has inspired me. Both my son and then my husband were treated at the same Cancer Center, here near our home. When my husband began his treatment, they were so very kind to us, knowing that we had been there before with our son. They treated me with such kindness and consideration for my feelings, knowing what I had been through as a mom, and now was going through as a wife...that once again, no matter how hard the battle was fought, my husband too was going to die and I was going to again lose someone I loved so much, to cancer. We benefitted from a few of the "In honor of" programs that were available there at the center, due to others who had gone before us for treatment and wanted to "pay back" the kindness they too had been shown. One such program was started by a mom who raised money for gas cards, to be given to patients who had to travel there daily for radiation treatments, in honor of her daughter, who had died the year previously to leukemia. We had been a recipient of one of those cards, and it did help with the added expenses of treatment. The "Cheer Chest" sounds like such a good idea. I do hope that it is okay if I try to start something like that here, locally.

Del: I am so very sorry for the loss of your son, Chip. I too talk with our son, as well as my husband. I know the pain of watching someone you love leave you from illness...our son, Mike, died of brain cancer in 2006 at the age of 31, and my husband, Mike, died of pancreatic cancer in August of last year. The journey through this horrid illness is one that is so sad and so terrible when you know that it is going to end in their leaving us and there is nothing you can do to change the outcome. Our son was 17 months from diagnosis when he died (he had been given 1-2 years), and my husband was 9 months and two weeks from diagnosis...he had been given "one good year (from the time of his surgery in May) and very possibly two," though he only got 3 1/2 months after the surgery . They both went through extensive treatment and faced their battle with courage and determination, as I am sure your sweet Chip did. The types of cancer our son, my husband and your son had though, don't currently lend much hope to a good outcome, and I pray that one day there will be a cure for these terrible diseases that run amok and end in such sorrow. I am glad that you get to see Chip's children and they spend time with you. Our son had three young boys when he died...the baby was 18 months, and the two older boys were 8 and 9 at the time. We see them often, and for the first couple of years, the two older boys were here pretty much every weekend, staying over, and now and again, the youngest one could stay over, as well. Our son's middle son is a carbon copy of his daddy, in every way possible. He is now 6' 1/2" tall, and his voice changed early last year to sound exactly like his dad's. When I hear him speaking it is like listening to our son all over again. At first it was upsetting to me (though of course I didn't let him know that), but eventually I was able to see the likeness as a gift and felt blessed by it. He loves that he is so much like his dad. I am glad that you found this site...though of course, so very sorry that you had a reason to look for it.

Sherry: I do understand your feeling the need to keep to yourself more. It is better sometimes that having to put up with people's judgment that you are not grieving properly, or are taking too long a time "to get over this." And they are basing that judgment on....? I am so sorry that you didn't have people around you to offer empathy when your baby Lisa died. I know that back then, it was REALLY not "okay" to "talk about it." Death was for those two days of the wake and service, then it was "over." A long time ago, men would wear a black armband for a year after the death of a close relative, and women wore black often, as well, but "speaking" of your grief was not acceptable. At least we've come a ways since then...though most of our speaking now is because we want to, not because others encourage us to. And I do think the black armband should never have gone by the wayside.

Becky: I loved the pictures of your yard, so very pretty. And of course, the signs that Jared sends you. I was so glad to read that the youth group took the time to honor you and your husband for your work. It is a very intense job to do what you did with the youth, and I know that all who came in contact with you benefitted greatly from your commitment and dedication. So glad you got someone to take it over.

Gretchen: I too am so sorry I missed Forest's birthday. I love the celebration you had, and know that he was right there with you all. I love, too, the memorial stone...very creative and emanating such love from his life and passions.

Rhonda: So nice to see West's sweet smile tonight. I hope you are doing all right. Does CJ still work for your husband?

Lora: I know what you mean when you say that you feel that you are "the only person in my world anymore." I still do have things that matter, especially my kids and grandkids, but some days it just seems as though there is nothing but emptiness and stillness. And sorrow.

Susan: Prayers for your daughter for her to find the strength she needs to deal with her daughter. I know those years can be so challenging and must be even more so for her as she is grieving the loss of her brother. I pray too that they will feel the spirit of your John David about them, and find comfort in that. I too agree with your suggestion of our developing "another eye." Yes, we do feel that extra bit of understanding.

Dee: So sorry that you have been so busy at school, but I am glad that you enjoy it so much, even though the extra taxing time of grades and parent/teacher meetings. But I know that you are glad when you can finally rest and the rush part is over, for a while. I hope you are finding moments here and there to catch your breath and relax a bit.

To all...those here now and those who don't post as much any longer...my love to you; wishing you strength for the journey, and keeping you all in my daily prayers.

I do apologize for the lengthy post, but it has been a while since I've spoken with you all, and I have missed that connection. I do know that you all do think of me, and I do think of all of you, as well, and keep you in my prayers. It is hard, this new yet familiar road I am travelling, and I must say, the going is slower this time.

these are some pics of my dad...

[ericasmom]

Carol, I loved seeing Mike's beautific smile this morning. Your long post is always a lift to so many, even in your grief you're heart and arms are reaching out to those new and those of us going through tough times. Love your energy, and today, may there be plenty of hearts to show you that the Two Mikes share such delight in your big heart. Benefactors of this kind of love- both of them.

Someone lovely thanked Sherry and myself the other day for being on this site for so long, veterans in a sense, and I just want to say thanks. I know that I feel that this is in-part, where I need to be, to help leave those footprints that Carol spoke of. SOmehow, being a Mom who lost her Child makes me reach out because I certainly feel the ache of others-but also feel that those first words of welcome are what allowed me to feel even a tiny bit normal when I first found this site, that what I was feeling was felt by others ahead of me on this road. I think Sherry feels similarly. And yes, we do get something back from being here this long, the comraderie of so many wonderful people, the knowledge that our broken pieces still can find healing, the unity that we so seldom can find elsewhere in loss, and of course, knowing that outreach is the key to using our experience to help others find solace.

Love to all,

[Mermaid Tears]

Carol....loved your post....and what a dapper looking Dad ....I hope your little dog is giving you comfort....and what a gift....your grandsons....and one that looks so much like your Mike....my grandson, Hunter Bear...(we have called him that since he was little)....is so much like John David...we noticed he even has the same stance on the football field ...many, many mannerisms...and it warms my heart...and he spends lots of his spare (?) time with me...kids are so busy these days....he has little to spare....and he brings his friends over...after feeding 6 kids (one daughter, the oldest...then 5 boys) all those years....feeding boys is something I do best ...now you are on another sad journey...trying to find another 'new normal' without your Partner..your Sweetheart....and you are finding your way...blessings to you...will pray for you today...and all the others....

[mikesmomrs]

Hello again, everyone...I just wanted to share something that happened after I finished my post last night. I had said in my post "This will be my first birthday in 48 years that I will not wake up and be greeted by my husband with a big smile, a sweet kiss and a "Happy birthday, sweetie" as I begin my day." After I got off the computer last night, I was looking for a pen in the drawer in his table right by his chair. It had somehow gotten pushed to the back of the drawer, and when I reached for it, I found a pill bottle that had 6-7 coins in it. I dumped them out and in the mix were three pennies, each dated 1945. The year I was born. Three pennies. For three words. Happy. Birthday. Sweetie. I am blessed, so blessed. Pennies, straight from Heaven. when i dumped the pennies out again, to put them with this picture, the little heart-shaped piece of peanut shell fell out onto his picture...maybe both Mikes were in on this... thank you, God.