Loss of an Adult Child

[mysonrich]

Westley

The Great State of Tennessee

January 12, 2010

Micheal Shane Hendrie

Melbourne, Victoria , Australia

January 18,2007

Richard Bowden Haldeman

Croyden, Pennsylvania

Ewing, New Jersey

January, 18, 2009

[mysonrich]

[ericasmom]

Del, so glad that you are feeling some relief if that can be the word, relief to have found a place in which everyone gets it. I am glad of this, and as Susan has said, it is the language we use here to apply to our lives that others do not get. We don't want them to, but at the same time, Damnit, understand what we are learning to live through! Like I said before, we wish we could explain but there are no ways to really do that with the outside world. I promise one thing, you will feel things soften later on down the road, not ever go away, no, but soften. I say Eri's name everyday to someone, whether it be my husband or my students or my co-workers because I vowed that if I were to live a good life, I needed to not be impeded in saying HER NAME and speaking of her when the moment calls for it. I will never pretend for the sake of those around me, that she is in the background of my life, ERica is very much a part of my everyday.

Susan, we do walk in new terrain, it is a lot like being blind, we do bump and fall and have to start over, you are so right. We do our best with what resources we have at any given time. Let the tears fall when they need.

Carol, I had no idea about the hospital making a mistake with Mike's meds causing so much damage. Either I missed a huge part of yours and his story or you are just saying this now. Either way, I am so terribly sorry that this negligence sped Mike's leaving. So sorry Carol. And to have to put the energy into a fight now on top of it all. Prayers, strong prayers.

[ericasmom]

To two of the Sweetest Sons, Mike and Rich. Mike and RIch, we say your names loud, with a smile in our voices as you have caused so many smiles in this world. You share a date and while you never knew each other here on this earth, you sure do know each other now.

Mike and Rich, I have loved the stories that have shown me who you are. You are missed greatly and loved forever.

[shellyku]

Michael Shane - Brush past your mama today and let her feel your warmth and

love. Give her some of the peace and joy that is you from the place where that

is all that exists. Trudi - you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Rich - Give your mama a squeeze today so she can feel your spirit is alive and well.

Sprinkle some of your heavenly magic over her so she can feel your peace and joy.

Betsy - thinking of you and praying for a peaceful day.

Carol - as Dee said, this is an incident in Mike's struggle that was not known. How

awful for you to have to deal with this! Sometimes I think these hospitals either make

mistakes OR administer drugs, tests and the like for what seems like no good reason.

Quick story: when Sarah did not achieve a second remission after relapsing, Penn

sent her to Jefferson Hospital in Phila. They did so many tests and procedures on

her. We were told by her onc, on the night she was dying, that he knew she was

going to die, he just took her case as a favor to the Penn doctors! Were the procedures

just for billing purposes?

Kate - good to see you back! Hope you're feeling better!

Dee, Lora, Mermaid, Mom of Chip, KC's Mom, Sherry, and all other Indigos: I pray

for your peace and comfort. Shelly

[mikesmum]

Today signalled 6yrs since Mike died. Today I spent most of it in bed. For some reason, be it my age, my hormones or my broken heart, I found it harder. The day started as each angelversary does with an sms from my younger brother who lost his boy 11yrs ago. I checked FB and there was Rich smiling back at me. Mike is in such great company......Betsy you know my heart..

Then I got a call from Melissa. We had arranged for me to have the grandies. Neither of us had realised at the time that it would be 'that date'. She took a rain check. As I hung up the tears fell and wouldn't stop. Exhausted I slept the day away.

Around 4.30pm I 'spoke' with Carol. She wondered if I had been to Mike's place. I hadn't. So late afternoon as the weather went from scorching hot to mild with a gentle breeze I packed Sir MD into my car and headed off. You can get to the river by going round the mountain range or over it....today I went over. iPod playing 'Mike & Mum's' music the tears fell as I sang to loud.

Coming down from the mountain my heart skipped a beat as a red Ford, just like Mike's came towards me. At the river there was a family....two boys and a girl. We were that family many moons ago.

Quiet time just watching the river eased the ache. The tears dried. I drove home past Mikes old place. There was Amanda pulling into her drive. I wondered if she knew the significance of the day?

Tonight I am weary. My heart hurts. I am thankful that I have Melissa, Steven & grandies. I am thankful my puppy knows how to ease my pain.....some people (names suppressed to protect the idiot I share a house with) don't.

For those who have seen these pics before, please indulge me.....if I had more recent I would post them....

This was taken here. Harmony had pulled 300 tissues from a box while Mike was talking to a production guy wanting to film an add for a scholarship fund.....The laugh was watching the adults trying to fold them and put them back....think road map

[ericasmom]

Trudi, how that Son/Sun looks like you, that same smile, beautiful spirit.

How nice that you found your way over the mountain listening to the sounds that let you know that Mike is riding shot-gun with you and Sir Muttley. How nice that Carol called to suggest this might be one trip that would lend what was needed on such a day, time at the river. The place that saw your many visits over the years, and those trips in the last 6 years holding so much ache and beauty. I think of the analogy of driving over the mountain, and the struggle of living with grief, we must keep going over the mountain to get to the peaceful places in this time, and once there we still have tears but we are better for going. Somehow, we find we are filled in a new way. We carry our homes in our hearts and the days that we are most challenged are those days that our home must be carried over that mountain to be layed out and reviewed. Precious memories kept in the center, taken out in the light of the day to relish, and packed back carefully in order to continue to carry them back over that mountain.

I have such a strong sense of you as I watch the sun rise from my office here at home before I leave for school. The colors are blues, most certainly indigo, and a ribbon of orange and mango running along the horizon.

[hotrod]

MIKE, MIKE, MIKE AND RICH, RICH , RICH

SAYING YOUR NAMES AND PRAYING THAT YOU WILL REACH OUT AND TOUCH MOM'S HEART IN YOUR OWN SPECIAL WAY ON THIS YOUR DAY OF REMEMBRANCE.

TRUDI AND BETSY YOUR SONS ARE SUCH HANDSOME MEN.

I IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS.

[ericasmom]

This is a poem that I wrote quite a while ago, but it goes with the sense of this day:

Fix

If I could have fixed the breakage, I would have.

I would have reached into the tissue and healed it like new,

repaired the broken wires like I wanted the doctors to do,

But my hopes and prayers were met with your leaving instead.

If I could have repaired what took you, you would be living right now,

in a town of your liking,

or a city perhaps, near the sea,

Or maybe right here,

where you grew up,

with me.

dee conmy

[Guest]

...

[Jeff's Mom]

Trudi and Betsy...I hope that today the beautiful memories that you hold dear to your heart will help to give you a sense of comfort. Carol, sending loving wishes and prayers your way today as you try to find a sense of peace. Dee...you always have a way of saying just the right thing at the right time. Your poem rings true. Thanks for being you! Lora...it has warmed up today. High of -8C. It is just beautiful today...it snowed lightly last night. Everything is covered in a carpet of glistening white snow. Just lovely. As my husband was shovelling he called me to the door. The loveliest sound greeted our ears. The sound of a bird that sounded tropical sitting high up on an evergreen tree. We could not see it but have never heard anything so beautiful. Sending loving thoughts your way to all as you go through another day.Take care of yourselves. Love, Kate

[daveydow1]

Micheal Shane-------Smile down on your mom & dad today, and warm

their heart & soul.

Rich----Rich---Rich-----Saying your name & remembering you.

Trudi and Betsy-----Thinking of you today and wishing you comfort

and memories of your dear sons. Angels.

Dee----Today, Denny and I went to the park to spend some time. There

was an art show of watercolor paintings in the gallery at the nature

center. Very nice. They also had paperwhite bulbs that were forced

into blooms with accompaning large leaf plants, and a backdrop of

rice paper-type lanterns. It was nippy out, but sunny, so we took a

walk around the acreage ( it's gently hilly) where all the plants/shrubs/and flowers bloom

in spring, summer, and fall. It involves quite a distance, and they have done

some nice winding brick pathways in the late fall months, which makes

for a nice walk.Breeze was up a bit, and it made the walk invigorating.

Many people out walking on the miles through the park.....it's very

big and covers many acres of woods, waterways, wetlands etc. We

go there in the summer to do birdwatching. We passed the area where there

is a very steep small hill. The day after Davey died, we found ourselves

going to the park and going up to the top of that hill to just sit in privacy.

We were undoubtedly in shock, and we somehow just gravitated to the

park and to that little steep hill with the woods as a backdrop. Sat and

listened to the sounds of the the woods and nature. Just us all alone.

Momof chip----This is why the BI site is so good. People who genuinely

know of the heartache of loss of a child, and that there are no obligations

to be here...to post....read.....or anything else.....no obligations. That one

can come here anytime, day or night, or to step back if need be. The

hurting souls of parents who have lost children are sometimes very

fragile, and everyone here understands so well. I have never been to

a Compassionate Friends meeting, so can't really comment about the

organization, but some Indigos, from time-to-time, have commented on

the meetings. In my early times on this rough road, I felt as you do.....

that I did not want to commit myself to going to any group meetings

because I felt I might not feel like attending when the time came to go.

I attended one grief session at my daughter's church once, and she

and I just didn't say anything. I believe that it was too soon for us to

go. The sessions were not well-attended, I heard, so it was discontinued.

I'm sure that there are very good groups, and that they are beneficial to

those who feel they are ready to go, though. Each must decide for themselves.

There's no real 'time scale' for us to follow. we must follow our own hearts.

Peace & comfort to you, and I'm glad you found your way to this site.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

MIKE AND RICH...coming to know you through the stories from your moms, and finding two handsome men, who likely met on the day of their birth into their eternal life. I find my life enriched by the experience of knowing you both through these shared stories that live on forever in the hearts of those who love you so dearly.

Trudi and Betsy...holding you both close in my heart. I shed so many tears these days, and have so many thoughts of days past, for myself and for those I know who have also lost someone they loved so very much. But the thoughts are separated into wishes for you each to be filled with the sweetest of memories of your treasured sons

[ericasmom]

Sherry, so glad that you and Denny went out side and enjoyed the pretty park. The park sounds amazingly well thought out and cared for. Might you get your watercolors out after viewing the show? Paperwhites are so pretty and with laterns, perfect!

I pictured you and Denny, without words so much as being directed by grief and perhaps your Sweet Son, to the beautiful place in which to be a piece of that which was around you. Shock allowing you to function enough to go there to be quiet among the thousands of tears to come. It reminds me of Trudi going to the river time and again to visit that place that brings her back to the earth, the surroundings.

Peace Sherry, and sweet dreams after so sweet a day.

I never did go to a Compassionate Friends Meeting but several folks here have. I started going to private therapy at around the 6month mark of Eri's leaving. It was just when I began here as well. I loved therapy as it helped me to sort through the hundreds of thoughts and worries that flooded my soul and still sometimes does. I have gone to therapy for stints, that stint after ERz died was nearly 2 years or so and stopped but went back when it was 4 years with PTSD. I stayed for another year and a half. I stopped and have gone back for shorter stints when I need a tune-up. When I need to be reminded of the tools and how to access them.

[Guest]

.

[Sholl1955]

Hello all,

It has been 3 weeks at my new job and I am beginning to feel less like "the new kid on the block" I like the job very much and like you Lora, I have moments of tears and just keep going on, getting ready for work and going because i have to, one day at a time. The tears and pain are once again intense. I wonder if it is due to yet another change, even though it is a good change. Oh, I am just too tired to think tonight so guess I will go to bed and get some rest. Praying for each of you and thankful I can come here even when I know I am not making sense.

Sandy

[Jeff's Mom]

I am just now beginning to work my way through the posts of previous weeks. I am so sorry to see the new people that have had to find their way to this site. I am truly sorry for your loss. I am also very glad to say that it is a good thing that you have found your way to this forum. It is a place where you will be welcomed by people that are walking in your shoes. We truly understand your feelings and offer a caring and understanding support system. Throughout our ups and downs we help each other to move forward. Lora...your poem reflects how we all feel as we quietly remember our precious child. Lovely.

[ericasmom]

Lovely poem Lora, and yes, you miss her fully. Your words say it all here, it is like learning to breathe again, only with new materials, new kinds of oxygen. The old stuff is not working because we have changed so much. thanks for sharing.

Sandy, the new job is a wonderful testament to your putting one foot in front of the other to make changes that will benefit the family. And never worry-it makes perfect sense to be tired at the end of a work day. The up and down of the emotions are part of this time, and that alone is exhausting.

[westleysmom]

RICH-Kiss your Mom's cheek today and let her feel you close by.

Betsy-Thinking of you my dear friend. Thank you for remembering Westley too.

MICHEAL SHANE-Always loved and missed.

Trudi-I hope you are feeling better. I did the same thing, stayed in bed as long as I could last Sunday.

Kate-I'm glad you're better. Since I got a new computer at work, I can't get on the site there, and by the time I get home, I'm usually beat and don't get online.

Sherry-I can remember so well going to my Mama's that day and my husband and I just laid down together on the bed in the back bedroom for a while. We didn't talk and I may have had tears running down my face, but there was no sound. That is where we were in shock and found ourselves all alone. Isn't it funny the things you remember? Davey was sweet to comfort you when you cried.

Dee-I still haven't been able to walk much without crying. Stay warm, the winter's here for a while, although we're having a little warm up this weekend. I miss being able to check in at work on everybody and keep up with the new people, but my new computer won't let me. Or the antivirus thing or some such. I am technologically challenged at best (don't know how to change colors or anything anymore).

Carol-I'm so sorry to hear the circumstances surrounding big Mike's death. Thinking of you.

We went to get some fresh flowers to take to the cemetery tomorrow. Westley would have been 24 years old tomorrow. I had a meltdown when I realized that my daughter would be 28 on her birthday. How can she be 28 and she's only supposed to be 4 years older than Westley? It is funny too the things that occur to you over time and hit you in the face that they are not only gone, as dear Carol pointed out, they are gone forever.

[Mom of Chip]

Dee and Lora, I love your poems..so uplifting...they say what I feel.

It won't be long until it will be 6 months since Chip took flight to heaven. I guess people think I should be 'back to normal' by now...Why can't they understand I will never be 'normal' again? I have considered going for therapy, but I don't know what I would say..I guess whatever comes to mind..There are so many issues that keep haunting me, but a therapist could probably help me sort them out.

His 8 year old daughter is staying with us this weekend. She is a sweetie, but I feel that her mom doesn't understand what she needs..She never lets her cry. People need to cry to let God help wash away the grief.....and her mom tells her stories about her dad coming to visit...she says he knocks things over in the house..That just really bothers me. I don't like that the child may think her dad only shows his presence by being a 'bull in a china closet' so to speak. Worrying about the psychological being of his daughter is just another issue I have to deal with. I guess there is not much I can do about it except love her when she is here. At least we get to see her pretty often.

Well, I've gone and poured some of my grief on all of you. There can be so many more problems to deal with other than the sadness we are feeling..It can be devastating sometimes.

Thanks to all of you who have responded to my posts. It makes it easier to go thru the day knowing that I can come here and tell you what is on my mind and you will listen.

Love and peace to all of you,

Del - Mom of Chip

[mysonrich]

Carol, Dee,Betty, Trudi, Sherry, Kate, Lora, Kate, Rhonda, Indigo's, Thank you for being here and sitting by my side on a day when a circle of friends is needed. Remembering with me that my son lived . The dark day and years of memories of the day he died. I keep one thought in mind, “ mom, Rich was very happy”. I started to write last night and found that I had to pull out my thought “STOP” sign.

I go back in time and think of that day 4 years ago. One memory, walking out of Rich’s front door , turning a corner to climb into the car or cars. Not sure who was there at the time. I remember the snow at the corner of his house. Was it the crunch,crunch sound as I walked? Or something else. This past week I've been thinking of his day and my mind went back to the weather. Thinking there was no way it would snow in southwest Virginia, on that very day, I hung on to the memory of my last visits to his home, without him.

And , it snowed. I'm not thinking it was any kind of sign but on the 18^th of January I walked and listened to the crunch,crunch of my footsteps,walking upon the thin layer of crusted snow..crunch..crunch.

Sherry and Dee, I was out on the back deck 2 days ago and noticed a critter climbing down the tree. I ran back inside to grab my camera. One complaint of my camera model, the lag time to power it up. It mere seconds but when you have to get the picture, now!, is a pain. Anyway, the critter walked away and I continued to look up in the tree. This is how my mind works now. It could be old age creeping up on me . It could be how I have always been. I look up and think to myself,” that critter was probably stealing eggs from that birds nest” .Now just forget the fact that it just snowed and its the middle of January. In my mind there were eggs up there. I took a close look and there was a another critter. Mr and Mrs I assume. I took a picture and I have to say, I hope one of these things never jumps or falls out of a tree onto my head. The first opossum did come back for the mate still in the tree. Sherry, these things are not cute!!

Dee and Lora, beautiful and heart felt poems. Thank you for sharing.

Hello Rich !

One of the days when I forced myself out of the house.

[BrendaDup59]

Hi , I finally got my computer back Thank goodness as I could not do anything on my moms for some reason .. I have been busy getting things I have put off for so long done , seems like the last 10 months are a blur I am still really having a hard time with losing Brian I think I am at the anger stage but not at Brian at every one else , I can hear myself being so short tempered at the littlest things . some days I cant even stand myself .. I did see Brian in my dream the other night a huge white bus pulled up and he got off with a suite case and walk in and I know he said something but I cant remember what then I woke up .. you know what I want most is a hug from him even in a dream ..silly I know I miss him so much I can hardly stand it . it is so hard watching every one go on with their life and I feel so stuck in this night mare that will never end. well enough on my pity party ...

Kate I did see you had come back ..I thought of you often sorry to hear you were sick ,hope your doing better now.

Carol I am so sorry to read what you are going through ,I hope you get some answers .

My so Rich mom .... I think opossums are cute ..lol we had one show up in our yard one year I got pictures but I think I lost them with a computer I lost my husband Mike walked up to it and it did not like him .. I was sad to hear my neighbor found it in his shed and shot and killed it I wish so much he had said something I would have gotten a trap and relocated it .. oh well

Cara mom , I loved your poem .. very touching

Sherry, Dee, and everyone I missed and all the new mom and dads ,I am thinking of you all . Love Brenda

visit PS . I wanted to tell you Dee my Kaleb got a visit from the school last week they placed a sign in our yard Kaleb scored Proficient on the state exam last year , they did it for all students who scored distinguished and proficient .. I am so proud of Kaleb he has come so far so this was a big deal for him .

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi Brenda...good to see you again. Yes, the anger stage can really take its toll. All perfectly normal. I am sitting here with my new computer and feeling like a kid with a new toy. It is just amazing the things it does and I am so delighted. Betsy...opposums look intimidating if you ask me. Are they a real menace in the garden? Oh my, the sound of crunch, crunch under foot is an all too familiar sound to me. Funny how we can be frozen in time when we recall certain memories. Rhonda...I know only too well how hard these special occasions can be to get through. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Del...enjoy the weekend with your special little sweetheart! As far as the new norm, it takes a very long time to find your ground again. In time you will slowly find peace, but be patient with yourself. As to what others think? That is their issue to deal with. You are doing a great job. Sherry, how are you? I also see that it is the hottest summer for you in ten years Trudi. Hope things are a bit better today. Carol...any visits from the kids coming soon? Dee...I'll send some snow your way if you like. We have plenty to spare. Well, it is cold as blazes today with a strong NW wind. I am trying to work up the energy to head into town to do some grocery shopping. Plan to spoil my husband this weekend. He has been so attentive this past few weeks. Now it is my turn to give back some major TLC. He is doing pretty good and keeping a positive attitude as we both are. Anyway, have a decent day and take care of yourselves. Love to all. Kate

[KC's Mom]

Del, my family each went to a therapist to help walk us through this journey and I am not sure we would have made it to this point without it. We all went on our own and not as a group which I think was good. I gained some valuable tools and ways to cope that have been so helpful. My first words to my counselor when I walked in were I need a plan, I don't know how to do this. My kids have always made fun of me because I will ask them what their plan or lets figure out a plan when dealing with difficulties. But there is no plan for the loss of a child.

Brenda-I love dreams when I get to see my boy. I had one last night. When I saw him I was so happy and just wanted to touch him, and I was able to but woke up before I could hug him.

My son rich-hugs to you on a tough day. Nov this year will be 4 years and I don't want it to be.

I went to one Compassionate Friends meeting and it was fine but didn't want to got back. Maybe it was too soon. They all had pictures of their kids hanging on a room divider and I guess it bothered me. I think I didn't want my son to belong to that club....I can't explain it but I just didn't want my son up there. Everyone was so kind so it wasn't them, it was me. Also went to my church grief support group and there was no one there like me. They were all there for loss of parent or spouse. So I was there making all of them feel better because they hadn't lost a child. It can be very loney this journey we walk!

Jeri

[ericasmom]

Kate, so nice that you have a new fancy computer in which to communicate. How lovely to have you back with us. Be careful going into town getting groceries in the cold, that cold is going to sweep down into our part of the world tonight leaving us in the single digits for several days. But before we go there, we are topping out at 45 degrees today. How strange.

Betsy, what a wonder that there was snow where you now live, that there was snow underfoot on the anniversary day, reminding you of the sounds of that same sad day. Our senses taking in so much even in the absolute shock of the event. Here you are this many years later, and we are here with you, always.

I hope that life in your new area is offering you some goodness, I mean besides the adorable-ness of the opossum. (Faces only a momma possum could love). How is Sarah? Does she still love working with kids?

Del, letting out your grief here is what we are all about. It never feels like complaining, but simply letting loose those things that we cannot let out elsewhere in our lives. I did not know that Chip has a Daughter. I'm glad that you have her near and can watch her grow up. How is she dealing with the loss of her Dad? Does she see a school counselor? I hope that you have a nice time with her this weekend.

Rhonda, I can't check in other than to read at work anymore. My computer there will not allow responding. It is an old thing, nobody is updating them, and I don't want to use the laptop for my communication here, it feels to exposed to the people that check on our computers. I think of you often and hope that you are doing okay. I know what you mean about your Girl getting to be 28...it means that this much time has gone by and how the hell can that be possible? I know. THis summer it will be 10 years. At year 5, I made a t-shirt for everyone that came to the ERI-fest. I want to do it again this year...it might say: Here we are again, this is year 10. Keeping you with us for all of time Eri.

Brenda, you are back too! How nice, how are you? How is your niece? I love that the school came to celebrate Kaleb's hard work and success. What a nice thing to do. No better way to encourage and promote hard work. Give him a hug from a teacher will you? As far as short temper, normal. I had and sometimes still have a much lower tolerance to CRAP and to noise. I still listen to loud music, but noise bothers me. Yes, this could be a problem as a teacher but I do well in the classroom. Anger is a part of the process. It is not to be averted, we do get angry that our Child died. My therapist kept waiting for me to be angry at ERi, but I never was. I thought I might get angry at Eri, I knew that that could happen, but it never came. Had she try to beat the train, had she been negligent in some other ways, maybe then. But anger is a sure thing, we don't make it up, it is an inherent emotion to this kind of loss. We need to think about this for siblings and children too, who lose a parent.

Jeri, I am happy that your family was helped through therapy. Going individually too, which is a nice way to deal with the fact that everyone in a family deals differently to these deep losses.

[Mermaid Tears]

Thanks and gratitude for all that have posted ....am very emotional today....and needed your sharing to help carry me through...how I need each of you 'out there'....have many 'i's to dot and t's to cross' today...then a hugical social function that I am having to put on my costume...and I pretend that I am going on stage to perform...."the show must go on" is my mantra to get through these situations...and I think I will only have to be in character for 2-3 hours..so I can do that....then I have yet another hugical social function tomorrow afternoon....I have already ditched something I was to attend at 1:00......can't stay away from everything....your 'words' reach out and touch me and let me know I am not alone.....in this grief....blessings to all.

[mysonrich]

Brenda, the opossum startled me a little sitting up in the tree as it was. And the color. Is that their winter coat? I'm used to seeing the greyish/white color. And congrats to Kaleb !

Dee, Sarah loves teaching and will have earned her graduate degree in 4 months or so. Long hours at school with her classroom and studies on the Saturdays. Always busy. Thanks for asking.

Kate, opposums never were a menace in NJ. I did find a little baby in our outside trash can one day. We set him free and found him there the next day. We set him free again. That was about the same time there was a white squirrel living in the backyard. Now, that was different.

A woman I have known for over 30 years gave me a call last week. The odd thing is that I haven't really talked to her much in 20 years. She was angry at, of all people, my ex and Sarah and Rich’s dad. Her husband is my ex's long time friend. I guess she wanted me to jump on the band wagon in her anger. I didn't. I read something recently that really hit home. After Rich died I realized, a year or 2 later, how really,really angry I was. At everything. So, this makes sense as I know what it did to me” hanging onto anger is like drinking poison and wishing the other person harm”. Angry certainly took its toll on me and I understand it. So, I told the woman that called that I loved her and she seemed better after that.

I made a promise to myself to get out and walk more. I live right along side a small river and the green way so there shouldn’t be any excuses. Today was a beautiful winters day and I kept that promise.

Thinking of all indigo’s.

[ericasmom]

Betsy, I am glad that you are near a waterway and a green-way, how lovely. It seems fitting. Glad that you kept your promise to yourself, those are very important to our spirits. Glad too, that your old friend called and that you let her know how you feel. I think what so many of us find along this road and maybe in part of just aging, is that there is no time for BS. I let go of my oldest friend one year ago now, we were friends for over 40 years, I had to end our communication because of the negativity and BS that she wound around her every action. She just made my heart feel sad and heavy all the time with the lies and narcissist life she has always led. It must have felt heartless for me to do this, but I needed to save my heart. Sometimes we act in ways that are self-preservation.

Susan, life is so damn tricky at this time. Going out in public for events is very hard but if you feel you can do it for a few hours, more power to you. It is hard, but it does serve a purpose, it is part of the process and eventually, these early steps will help you down the road. Let us know how it went.

[Jeff's Mom]

Betsy and Dee...while we are on the subject of anger I have to say that I have had some pretty intense moments myself with friends and family. As you mentioned earlier Dee life is far too short to continue carrying negative baggage. That is one positive I have learned in my son's death. Still...having said that it is far from easy to let go of years of personal investment in a relationship. Something that I never expected to experience was the let down of particular people that I had never doubted until this wrenching heartache loss. I have to just be me and forge ahead with whoever I am meant to be. Heck, life is for the living. I would not trade one moment of the time spent with my son for anything and if others feel they can advise me properly on how to go about letting him go....well, then it is not going to happen.He is in every breath I take. A mother's love is the deepest of all... and nothing...not even death can break that tie. I had some very sad news earlier this morning. A friend and lovely woman that was my walking companion for a few years died earlier due to cancer. Please keep her in your prayers this evening. God Bless you my friend and now you can soar with the angels. Love, Kate

[daveydow1]

Lora----Thanks for the dear poem, and for the pic of that serene and

lovely place.

Sandy---Good to hear that you like the new job. Yes, it does take a

while until one feels that they are in the groove at a new job. I can

so understand your tiredness.......grieving is hard work.

Dee---- I agree....many people here have---over the years, told

of special places that they go to that gives them solace, and comforts

their spirit. The places were often found early on in the grief process.

There can be lots of places for us, and we seem to just gravitate to

them. Places where we can have privacy, quietness, and to think and

feel our dear children's spirits.

Betsy----thanks for the pic of the oppossum in the tree. Yep....they

sure got short-changed when nature passed out good looks to its

creatures. That sharp snout, ...those beady eyes....scruffy fur......

and rat-like tail. The one that comes to our birdfeeders in the

backyard is not frightened by any attempts by us to shoo it away.

It may even hiss a bit, but oppossums are generally harmless if

left alone. They seem to have great appetites, and will eat nearly

anything. Not sure if they have any natural enemies in nature....maybe

coyotes.???

Kate---So nice you got a new computer. Mine is 5 yrs. old now.....so it

may be on its way out....I hope not for awhile, anyhow. Its fun to try out

all the features of a new computer.

Jeri---Yes,...you are right.... grief can be a lonely path at times.

Peace to you.

Brenda---Good to see your posts. I'm glad that you had a dream of Brian.

I have not dreamed of Dave for quite some time..( at least not that I can

remember). In all the dreams that I've had of him, he never has said anything

to me. I just get a glimpse of him, and he's always fine...not distressed or sad.

I feel like I am getting a little glimpse of heaven when I have a dream of him

or of Lisa. If only we could 'will' ourselves to have a dream of our kids.....but

that is not to be.

Carol----Thinking of you and sending prayers.

Del---So good that you get to spend time with your granddaughter.

Rhonda----Thanks for your kind words. I agree.....it is a strange thing when

the ages of the surviving siblings are now out of sync with the age of the

child who passed away. My youngest daughter (6 yrs. younger than Davey)

is now older that Dave was when he was killed. Also, David was born after

Lisa died, so she would be his older sister, but since he was an adult when

he died.....31....and she was only 6 mo. old, it seems like she would be the

little sister, but she was in fact, his older sister by one year. Strange....and

sometimes seems surreal.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Kate---I think we posted at the same time. I'm sorry for the death of

your friend. May the angels welcome her into paradise.

Sherry

[Guest]

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[ericasmom]

Lora, I do believe that the first two years or so feel and often are, going through the motions of life, but as you go along, some of the little things that you begin to notice, activities that you look forward to, some of the people you enjoy knowing more about makes you realize that you are living your life again. It isn't the same as before, but new in many ways and scaled down to fit who you become in the changes. Some of us take up new hobbies or jobs or volunteer actions to fit this new life.

I always felt as you about anger, not to harbor it, try to face it and let it go. I guess I just could not stay in a relationship with my old friend because it became to much of weight to carry. I know that I hurt her, but I had to find a way to let go of the weight. You will find your stride Lora, it does not happen quickly but it does happen in small ways that are lasting. Keep writing, you may discover some gems that will assist you on this journey.

Kate, I knew your friend was in that last stage of her illness, I am so glad that she had you to lean on over time, now she is free of all illness and perfect in her freedom. Prayers.

Sherry, Betsy, all other opossum viewers, a long time ago, when the kids were little and Stormy and Bullet the kitties were our outdoor/indoor cats, I woke to call them in adn saw that they were both up ont he rail of the porch with their fur up. Down at their bowls was a Momma possum, crunching through their kibble. She looked at me, kept chewing, not at all deterred by the cats nor me. Funny creature.

[mysonrich]

My mother told her children once upon a time that if we hated someone it was the same as wishing them dead. Something passed on to her through the generations I would guess. I passed her words on to my children. I've missed my mother a lot this year, especially Christmas. She died 16 months after Rich . She, Joan, lost 3 children during her lifetime. I take some comfort in knowing she is with them now and with Rich, he loved her very much.

Kate,I'm sorry to read of the death of your friend. I think you have mentioned her before. Peace to you.

Carol, a difficult road to travel ,lawyers and such. Do you have people around you now?

[Guest]

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[Sholl1955]

Lora, I understand the making progress and falling back into that black hole. I think I am making good progress and then wham. I think it is like trying to climb up a steep hill and making some progress and then slipping down, and starting over again. I guess we have to look back down the hill and see where we started from to see that we are making progress, even if it is not the great distance we would like it to be. This grieving work is very hard and very slow. It would help if others were more understanding and supportive,.

Dee you mentioned that sometimes we must make decisions for self preservation. I have been seeing a therapist since before Sarah died, and she tells me I need to focus on self preservation and do what I need to do for me. I think I must make her crazy because I think I am doing better and making the right decisions for me, then that part of me that has always put others needs and opinions ahead of my own comes back and I get hurt . Ugh!

[ericasmom]

Sandy, Lora, I am lucky in that the therapist I see is one I hooked up with right after Eri was born, 28 years ago, I needed some intense therapy to help me as I had a lot of abuse issues in my past and having a girl brought them way up front. I always knew of my abuse, but I worked around it with my Son's birth, though I was becoming more and more worried about how to keep my child safe when their Grandfather was a CREEP. (myfather). Having Erica made it essential to get help.

So I went to see this woman and since then, whenever I have needed to have some therapy, it is she I return to. A relief because she has my whole story which like you and many women, I have always been one to let my toes/heart get stepped on in order to keep the peace. I don't know what I will do when my dear therapist decides to retire, we are about the same age. But for now I am so grateful that she finds room in her schedule for me every few years when I feel the need for some strengthening.

We do climb up and up and up, we fall in the mud many times on the way up, and every now and then we are reminded of how far we have come when we chance a look backwards. Often those looks happen when we fall back some. It is okay to fall back, it is human nature to work to find our stride and to fall back but that movement forward has allowed you to still be ahead of where you were. Be proud of the hard work. Remember, not one of us is weak, we may be afraid, I know I was, but we sure aren't weak, nobody who lives a day beyond our Child is. We find strength that we would never have believed we could produce, and we use it to survive because we are still here. We still have jobs to do whether we know what our role in them is or not. We find out on our climb. The climb is life-long, but it will not always be so very steep.

Sherry, yesterday I was surveying spots to move the feeders when a bird landed on the feeder. Today, much colder after the high winds of last night, I see a flurry of activity at the feeder, the sunflower one. Perhaps now that they know it is there and know the weather is about to get even colder, they are plumping up with the oils in the sunflower seeds. I am so pleased to see them.

[Jeff's Mom]

Just quickly popping by to say I am thinking of everyone and hoping your Sunday is a decent one. Dee...glad that there is a flourish of activity with our feathered friends. It is indeed cold as blazes up here the next few days. They are calling for lows in the -37-38C range. That is the cold that separates the men from the boys! We attended church this morning and then came home to bundle up for a brief and very brisk walk. One of my first since the flu started to clear up. There have been signs of wildlife right up to the front door at night. The poor things are looking for shelter from the cold. It's a good thing we have the best summers on earth. If not for that I'd be packing up pretty fast for a new locale. The deer are cleaning out our feeders of oiled sunflower seeds. Some of the neighbors are feeding them corn and salt licks. Take care everyone.

Kate

[dwsmithrn]

hi everyone....long time since i have been here. so sorry to all of the new members here. rhonda, trudi and betsy....so sorry you have had to face this month and the heartache associated with it. yesterday was nathan's birthday, the second one i have had to face without him. tomorrow is the second angelversary. and it still hurts as much as the day i heard the terrible news he was 'gone'. i don't know how to state that exactly. we gathered some people and went out to eat last night to celebrate his birthday, because we all know we cannot and will not forget the day our child was born. it is just an impossibility. even if it brings tears to our eyes and pain to our hearts and aches right down to our very souls to know this child is not with us. my sister sent me a text yesterday that read...'i am so sorry that you are so sad, but i am so glad that nathan isn't sad,' it hurts in a way, but in another, i know what she was trying to say to me. he isn't sad, he is happy and pain-free and having a wonderful time telling his jokes and laughing outloud and entertaining with his off-the-wall sense of humor. but does he know how much i miss him, like, REALLY miss him....does he really KNOW this???? does he know how much my heart aches and how tomorrow will hurt and how this has affected my whole being? does he know??? i wish he did...i wish he would just tell me. i haven't heard from him is such a very long time. and yes, he has come to me and i have seen him and i know he is well, but those visits were so wonderful, i just need to have one more....and ten one more, and then one more...etc, etc, etc. my son lived just 5 miles from him and they were so close....he was feeling pretty down, so he got 30 people together and they went to his fav restaurant at the beach and they had a great time celebrating nate's b'day. there is a brass plaque on the pier for nathan and they all went to see it after eating. i am glad so many people remember nathan and celebrate his life. there is so much to tell since last being on this site, but i will save it for another time. too many tears for now....

hope to come back some time soon. take care and know that i have not forgotten any of you. keeping you in my heart....love, diane

[ericasmom]

NATHAN Sweetest Smiling Boy,

Kiss your Momma tomorrow and each day letting her know that you are sending her your light, your love to help guide her. Give her the ability to step into the days knowing that you are always her Boy and that you never meant to make her sad. It is so very hard for your family to have your birthday and the anniversary of your leaving so close- so be with them all and hold them close.

Diane, I wondered if we would hear from you again, and I am very glad that we have. I have thought of you often and keep you in my prayers. Hang on Diane, keep hanging on.

Peace one day.

[hotrod]

Dear Diane

So wonderful to see Nathan's smiling face and gentle eyes. I too think of you and all my "Indigo family" each day and pray for our peace

NATHAN, NATHAN , NATHAN

PLEASE TOUCH MOM WITH THE WARMTH AND JOY OF YOUR SPIRIT

PLEASE LET HER KNOW THAT YOU ARE CLOSE.

[Guest]

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[Mermaid Tears]

For you Diane...and always and forever...Nathan's Mom....I, too, lost my 'adult' son....but really...you and I know....he is there ...the toddler...the 10 year old....the teen-ager....today I am sending blessings to you and yours....that in the sadness...you will find a comfort in your love for him that is bright and beautiful....and may you receive gifts...that money cannot buy....certainly...our children do reach out to us...as we do them....in ways that we just don't understand in our earth home...so look softly around you....May His Arms of Healing, Grace, Mercy and Love be around you and yours.

Am 'thinking of' and 'thankful for' each of you on this forum....was pondering this morning on how I was 'led' to this website.....for I was searching for something very different....when this 'popped up'....now I know it was 'no accident'.....

[Jeff's Mom]

Diane...thinking of you today and sending love and prayers. May the memory of Nathan's brilliant smile help to warm you like the sun.

[briansdad]

I found this and thought of all of you.

[Mermaid Tears]

Well...thanks for posting that....I felt like I got a warm hug.....

[dwsmithrn]

thanks dee, betty, lora, susan, kate....thank you for the sweet words. i am working hard to get through this day without totally falling to my knees. if i made it through his birthday, i am hoping i can make it through this day, this very sad day. it still hurts too much. i was wondering when it gets "softer"...when the heart can take the pain a little better. or does that really happen???? i was just wondering.

thanks for the thoughts and the prayers. (still working on the prayer thing!!! :? ) i think God understands. believe in him, talk to him, but still working through it. still seeing my grief counselor, too. we still have a ways to go. but at least i think she helps us through this so-called 'journey'.

love to all, diane

[BrendaDup59]

Hi, well I just got my internet back about an hour ago, we lost it sometime yesterday ... anyway I finally get back on and see a post with my DIL being tagged at a bar and dancing with this guy , and now her profile pic is her and this guy dancing , she has removed her name from Brian's face book page as his wife and removed him from her page wow how fast some people move on.. I guess I had hoped she would at least wait for a little while longer before she started with someone else my son has only been gone 10 months.. I guess it's me ,I am not her mom and it's not my place to say anything ..I don't even know why it really bothers me? but it does.. I worry about the type of guy she ends up bringing around my grand children , Just really a bad day.. Brenda

[justinlsmom]

Hello everyone, I hope everybody is doing well today. I have a question about the grieving process. I have been dealing with the loss of my son since August 2012, I am functioning, gone back to work full time, spending time with friends etc., I still get overwhelming bouts of sadness especially when I am on my own, once everybody leaves and goes back to their intact families, I feel really, really sad and for the most part I make my self push the feelings of sadness away and tell myself I cant deal with this right now it hurts to much, but what I am finding myself doing more and more, is shopping. Has anybody else found themselves going to the stores shopping just to distract yourself from your reality? I know why I am doing it, its because it allows me to think of other things then my loss, when I do shop I avoid the sections of the store that remind me of my son (young adult clothing) I am now able to grocery shop without to much pain, which is something I didnt think I would be able to do as my son and I grocery shopped every weekend together. I know I am healing, I can feel it in different aspects of my life, but this shopping things is kind of getting out of control and I was wondering if anybody experienced this... The other things is claustrophobia, I always felt slightly uncomfortable in confined spaces but since my son passed it is full blown, can't go in elevators, cant go into car washes, even watching a show where somebody is in a small confined space can get my heartbeat going, has this happened to anybody else? I really value the insight and information I get on this site it has helped me through this journey immeasurably. Thank you everyone.

[KC's Mom]

Diane- hugs and prayers to you. And we can pray for you when you can't. I felt the same way. When people told me they were praying for me, I said thank because I can't right now. If I was mad at anyone, it was God but he was patient with me and carried my anger. I found my way back because I know my son is with him and so will I be too. To have both days so close together is so hard.

Brenda- how awful for you to see your DIL moving on so quickly. Facebook is a blessing but is such a curse so often. I imagine she is loney but I am sure she is still hurting, but people handle that pain differently. Above all else we don't want our child forgotten. All we can hope for in our lives is that we mattered in this life and we so want to know that that isn't forgotten for our child. Hugs to you!

I am so grateful to have found this site. You all reaffirm my feelings and thoughts as no one else can.

Love to you all,

Jeri