Loss of an Adult Child

[westleysmom]

Becky, Shelly, Lora, Dee, Betty, all my dear Indigo friends, I knew I could count on you to understand and you always do. I just couldn't go to church today because there are those who forget and they make me mad and those who don't and they make me cry. I just wasn't up to it. I lost it last night when I looked at the clock and it was the time that I had gotten up out of the bed and just gave him a ring and heard his dear voice and he was happy and having fun with his friends. I wanted to do it again just call him right then and hear him happy and having fun with his friends. Do you suppose that he was with all your angels in their timeless existence with no pain and no tears and no suffering laughing and having a good time? I know how selfish it would be to have him back and yet I want him back. I try to be strong and brave and sure and still I am weak and afraid and confused. Thank you all for your understanding and I am sorry I haven't been there lately for all of you. My heart to you all who have helped me by making sure that I know that however dark and lonely of a place I find myself in, you all will come there to comfort me. Friends like you are priceless.

[Mom of Chip]

Hello, Rhonda....

I'm new here and am not acquainted with the circumstances when Westley became an angel....but I feel your pain...

Like you, I couldn't go to church today....didn't go last Sunday either..People there try to be comforting, but sometimes they are too happy...they try to cheer me up..they don't understand being cheered up is not what I am needing...I need a hug and an understanding shoulder to cry on. It's been less than 5 months since Chip became an angel, but most people think that is enough time to let go. They can't connect with me in my grief. I can't begin to imagine how I will feel in 3 years.

Look for Westley today...I think there are lots of signs, but sometimes we don't recognize them. The smallest little thing can bring you comfort...

Westley, I am praying to you...Please let your mom know you are still with her and that you are happy. Let her know that you understand what she is feeling and that you are still with her..that you will always live in her heart..In the name of Love, Amen

[Mermaid Tears]

I will never forget a friend of my Grandmother's...she had lost her husband and two children in an explosion....she said she had a simple prayer..."Lord, let them know me when I come".

[daveydow1]

WESTLEY........WESTLEY.......DEAR WESTLEY.....SAYING YOUR NAME, AND

REMEMBERING YOU. SMILE DOWN, AND SEND YOUR MOM A SIGN OF YOUR

LOVE.

Rhonda-----Thinking of you today. I can so understand your not going to church.

Others forget so easily, but we, who have lost our kids, will never forget them.

Hoping that you can somehow find some comfort with your memories of you

dear son, Westley. He will live in your heart forevermore.

Dee------

It's been so warm today....close to 60 I believe, but as you say.....the

cold is coming back, and we do need it to be winter weather. Flu is going

around everywhere. I've been staying away from crowds...shopping etc. Besides

maybe helping to prevent me from getting the flu, it has the added benefit of

saving money too. Thanks for the post on Misty. She's a great companion.

Trudi----Sending prayers that your area gets some relief from the intense heat.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[tobyfreefoot]

this is the saddest song but the video she made seems to address the fact our loved ones are with us they just can't reach us. the next video is just so awesome it gives me a sense of the hugeness of the unknown and seems to go along with the song to me. love to all of you whose heart's continue to break again and again. westley's mom thinking of you on this sad anniversary and hope you find some comfort and feel your son's love today.

[ericasmom]

Chip's Mom and Susan, Mermaid Tears, both new and both from Texas. Are your towns close? I know that Texas is playing football right now. I like that saying Susan, and I certainly do believe that they know when we are coming and who we are when we come, maybe even are the Angels that help us cross-over. What a huge loss for your Grandmom. Goodness.

Here I was thinking about music and wondering what I could conjure and Gretchen has sent us some tunes to listen to. Thanks Gretchen, I will be listening.

[ericasmom]

Gretchen, beautiful both of them. WHile Lucinda's song is sad, it outlines what I truly believe, that we will see our Dearhearts again, we will join them in joy.

The piano in the sky animation was gorgeous. Made me cry.

Sherry, hold on to your hat, it is about 18 here with wind. I am happy however, it is much more in keeping with the midwest in January.

[mikesmomrs]

WESTLEY, WESTLEY, WESTLEY...saying your name, remembering your life...always remembering. Surround your mom with your sweet spirit, beautiful boy, and let her know that your love is still there. Rhonda: thinking of you and holding you close. We will always be here for you...always. Reaching across time and space to let you know that yes, your sweet one is with our angels. Yes, my friend, no pain, no tears, laughter and silliness, for eternity. And you will see that again when you see him again.

[Sholl1955]

Rhonda, I am thinking of you today and may Westley be especially close to you today.

I think I just had a sign from my Sarah. I have been looking for signs since she left us in March and have not seemed to see many. For Christmas I received a candle, the kind that you don't burn, but that are battery operated. It is really beautiful and looks exactly like a regular candle burning, but much safer around a visual impaired husband and his 100# service dog. This candle was given to me by a friend of Sarahs and it has a verse on it that was very special to her. I had bought myself another one that simply says "Be Still and Know that I am God" I have been turning these on every night and they go for 6 hours and then turn off. They are very comforting and I go to sleep to their glow. Well, about 1/2 an hour ago the one with Sarah's verse that is sitting on a table with a music box of hers, started working all by itself. When I noticed it I said out loud "Sarah is that you?" and immediatley the other one came on by itself. There was nothing scary or eerie about it. I believe she is here. My family and friends would probably think I am losing it, but I believe she is here. What do you think? Candles don't just come on by themselves.

Sandy

[Mom of Chip]

Sandy,

There a belief that the flame of a candle burns thru the wall of the earthly world and the spiritual world, and it lets prayers and messages get thru to those we are trying to contact. Yes, I believe that Sarah was contacting you...I believe she wants you to know she is thinking about you and that she is okay.

God Bless You..I am so happy for you.

[ericasmom]

Sandy, I do believe that Sarah found a way to let you know that she is not only in the room, but listening and knowing that you need to see that she is near. I think many of our Angels come to us through lights, through electronics, it is a sure way to get our attention. I do believe that Sarah wanted to ease your worry, she is near, she loves you for all time and she is fine. She is showing you that she wants you to live in her light, be guided by her light to live strong.

Rhonda, as Carol so beautifully said, we are here reaching across time and space to hold your hands, hold your heart in ours. I do fully believe that our Babies are together, and that they are so glad for our connection, for our reaching out when we did not know which way to turn, we turned here. We have this place to return to each day if we like, to remind ourselves and others that we do not walk alone each day, but with each other. And our Angels walk beside us.

Goodnight All-

[ericasmom]

The sun is rising earlier now, the sky is orange and mauve here, we have gained 5 minutes of sunlight since last week. I know it may be very dark where you are on your journey, but like the seasons and the tilt of the earth, there is a rhythm and way that we can rely on, the seasons show us Nature's Way. In that I take great comfort.

[Guest]

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[Mermaid Tears]

Each of you....without knowing....reach out and touch so many....each of you will post "something" that reaches right into my heart...and touches my pain....feels the wet of my tears on my face...meets the anger straight on...feels the dark sadness....and walks with me on this foreign path of grief.....thank you for sharing...caring...and being "here".....Blessings to each of you...

[daveydow1]

Gretchen-----Thanks for the videos from Utube. The song is so nice & words

so true. Also, I loved the video of the universe......sure does make one think.

I like to think of all our dear children effortlessly winging their way to heaven

through the milions of stars, and they are happy and totally free of worries,

concerns, pain, disappointments and all... .....welcomed by angels

Dee---Yes, I noticed that it was getting daylight earlier.....we've turned the

corner from the darkest days to the coming lighter days.

Lora-----Sorry that you are a little bit down after the holidays. I think that this

happens. We get caught up in all the excitement of the holidays....(sometimes

whether we really want to or not), and then they're all over. They are a distraction

for awhile, but underneath......just underneath......there's that everlasting sadness

that we all have. It's good that you are taking good care of yourself. Sadness

can sometimes have a tendency for us to push self-care back to the side, but

we need to push ourselves, I guess......to go on. Our dear children would want

us to. I remember when Davey was pretty little, and when I would cry, he would come

and put his arm around my neck, and he would cry too. Then, I would just smile and

say "I'm OK, Davey" and he would smile, and I felt restored again. May you get a sign, or a

nice little dream from Cara, your sweet daughter.

Sandy----I, too, believe that the candles coming on by themselves were a sign

from dear Sarah. These little signs we get from our children are like treasures

to us and are ours to keep close to our hearts.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Remembering Rachael, (Maddy) sent me this via Facebook, and she has asked me to share this with all the indigos!!

Maddy asked me not to post her whole message, but to convey how much she appreciated the help that this forum gave her and to tell you she is doing well.

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I LOVE you guys, and I KNOW our kids are having a good time together until they see ALL of us :-)

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[ericasmom]

Wow Becky, thanks so much for posting Maddy's piece, I am so glad for her to have found her stride, to know that her life is meaningful and she will continue to work for the good of her family. HOORAY!

[shorty16]

I am so sorry I missed Wesley's Birthday and soon following angelversary. I remember reading Rhonda's posts and those 2 important days so close. Together.

Love to your family Rhonda.

Colleen Brian's Mom 4ever

[shorty16]

Becky

Maddys Facebook post is so awesome.

I agree with you, this site saved my life. I met others going through this nightmare and they survived..even thrived.

I think I too have reached that point. The anger I had for the driver and other passenger is gone. There judgement is not mine to make.

How are you Becky? This road is hard for you..injustice and no accountability. Please remember, the driver may not be judged in this life, but she will certainly be judged in the next. I think of you often

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Hi Colleen,

I am still just managing one day at a time, and though I have found some measure of peace knowing that my child is safe and happy in heaven, and I know that I will see him again, there is still a long long road ahead of me.

I am "guarding my heart", as I don't want to become embittered, but you know, some people are just beyond redemption.

I will be happy for the day that I can fully speak my mind and hopefully be an instrument for change and be able to honor my son in that way. Battle weary, but not defeated...

[Guest]

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[Mermaid Tears]

Just ordered many copies of the book "Never Letting Go"..(I am going to give to my adult children that are having a hard time coping with their brother's passing)...and "I Can See Clearly Now"....I will let everyone know what I think after reading....I was told by a friend here, who lost her 16 year old daughter in a car accident, that she thought I would have some healing ....at this point...I will try anything.

[Mermaid Tears]

Just ordered many copies of the book "Never Letting Go"..(I am going to give to my adult children that are having a hard time coping with their brother's passing)...and "I Can See Clearly Now"....I will let everyone know what I think after reading....I was told by a friend here, who lost her 16 year old daughter in a car accident, that she thought I would have some healing ....at this point...I will try anything.

[dhathc00]

Trial over last thursday, the completely drunk responsible driver got one year for killing my son, I am broken, I have no faith in anything now.

[Mermaid Tears]

to DanielsDad....we have a person on this forum who lost a son to an accident caused by a driver that was drinking...her name is Becky....she is fighting for justice for her son, too....my son did not die at the hands of a drunk driver...and I can only reach out to you and others that are in this situation where your child is gone because of the reckless behavior ..of someone else. On this site is where you will find others that have the same deep anger and frustration. I will pray for you that He will wrap you in His Arms of Mercy, Grace, Healing and Love.....I wish I had some kind of magical wand to wave and come up with just the right words to help lift you from your grief...all I have to offer is that we are here and also....we hear you...for we have the "ears" to really hear you..and the "heart" to know where you are at....be very, very kind to yourself...be tender with yourself at this time....grief is a physical thing....and can break even the strongest person down. I know many on this forum will reach out to you to let you know you are not alone.

[daveydow1]

Lora------I agree with you---we must let ourselves just 'go with the flow'

of the depression that comes with grief. If we try in all sorts of ways to avoid it,

eventually it catches up with us. Walking is definitely good for the spirit. I need

to do more of it. I guess we have to somehow find a balance, but it is not easy to do, I know.

Danielsdad-----

I'm so sorry that the drunk driver who killed your son

has gotten a light sentence. I understand your frustration, anger, and

feeling of despair. My son was also killed by an impaired driver, and

his sentence was light. This was over 9 yrs. ago, and I still think

about the way the justice system sometimes is so easy on these

irresponsible drivers. By now, most of the anger is gone from my

daily life, but has been replaced with quiet and sad resignation. Hope you will

come back to BI. Peace & prayers, friend.

Dee----Pretty cold here now, but it seems more normal for January. There

was a small herd of about 8 or 9 deer going across the back plowed field

this morning, as I looked out the window. All is pretty quiet out here right

now. Many birds coming to the feeders......mostly doves, cardinals, chickadees,

and woodpeckers. Now & then a flock of crows. They all fly off when our

neighboring oppossum comes poking around.

Colleen----I, too, have found this sight to be a lifeline on my journey. Where

else could one find others who know the depth of grief and heartache that

comes with losing a child. With the help of everyone who is on this site now,

or has been in the past, I've moved to a point where I have some measure of

comfort in my life again, and hope that in time this site can help others to

find their way also.

WISHING PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL IN THE INDIGO FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sherry, we have many birds too but I simply do not see the cardinals take to our new feeders, nor any other birds. We have had maybe three birds to the new feeders, don't know why. Our old feeder however is an active hub of small bird activity. It was about 17 when I went out this morning and yesterday it was 12 for my morning walk with my DIL. Tomorrow it will be a bit warmer but windy, which for me will make it much colder feeling.

I hope you are well Dear Friend. Give Misty a little rub from me.

Colleen, good to see you today.

Susan, look at you reaching out to those who are new, it is the single most powerful way to begin your healing I think.

Lora, yes, those walks are the best for me. I remember returning from the hospital after Eri died (6 days) and taking a walk as soon as I had a deep cry returning home with my heavy heart. I have been walking most of my life, it has always been my form of exercise and my preferred way of getting my thoughts out and feeling centered. I started taking almost daily walks when I was about 12. Those first months after ERz passed away I can't say I felt centered by my walks, but I knew I felt better for moving outdoors under the sky, the same sky she saw. I could with more ease, feel ERi there with me, being outdoors helps me have a better connection to all that is.

Danielsdad, the pain you are feeling is just bigger than the room you are in, we know that pain, we get it. I am so sorry that you have to have it in your life, that broken heartedness, it is a very lonely feeling I know, even if there are a bunch of folks around you that you love, it feels lonely when we have to face the loss of our Baby. Keep posting here and read and as you do you will see great similarity to what you are going through, you will feel our hearts reaching out to you as you tell us more about your sweet Son.

I know justice is a hard fought entity, and not always attainable in the ways we would expect. We had a long fight too in the death of Eri. Against a town and against AMTRAK, and while we did not make a dent into AMTRAK, I do feel we made a dent into finding a way to make life safer for the people who live and go to school in Kalamazoo, Michigan and for that, I am made happy.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....I did not know the circumstances of Erica's passing....I gather that you, too, had to take up a banner to wave to help right a wrong....that would help others in the future....that another child would not die in the same way as your Eri....in each situation...a parent is doing their best...to save other parents from going through this dark sadness....I used to walk....and I do know the time spent in nature...just being under the sky....can do more than 50 pills....

Lora....I have a theory.....I think there are situations in life where it is normal for one to be "depressed" ...deep sadness inside.....and like someone said...just go with the flow...for it would be abnormal to fake the silly smile and act like we are at a party all the time....when our loved ones have passed....this is the time to "be down"....it is a natural response from our body to "heal from within".....years ago...people had a time for "mourning".....they respected a family that had lost a loved one....now....we seem to "think we can just skim over" the process....and the "life goes on" sort of culture....yes...life goes on...but we do have to embrace the "grief and healing".....and in that time of grief...we learn how we will carry forth...without our loved ones beside us...but know they are with us.

[daveydow1]

Dee------I can't think why the birds won't use your new feeder.

I know that sometimes it takes a little while for them to go to

a new feeder, but it has been some time since you got it, right?

I recall when I bought a new feeder quite a few yrs. ago, and

hung it in the pine where we had a busy feeding area. The birds

just refused to use it. Then, I read in a birding mag. that birds

don't care for a feeder that is white in color. The feeder I had

bought was a "gazebo-type" white feeder. So, I took it down

and spray painted it gray, and daubed some green paint on it

with a sm. sponge, and rehung it. Soon the birds were using

it. I had never heard that birds don't like white feeders.

Mermaidtears----I so agree with your words that grieving persons

must "heal from within". It makes sense, though. Sometimes

other people just don't understand that jokes, laughter, and

upbeat activities cannot somehow, magically, chase away the grief.

This is especially true in the terrible early times on this journey.

When I was in those early times, I seemed to just keep to myself

more (still do, really). However, each person must do what they

think best for their own grief. No one can tell someone else just

'how' they should be grieving.

Danielsdad----As others have said, I do hope that you can continue to

come here to BI. It is a good place to go when the heart is heavy

with all the emotions and sorrow.......despair, anger, sadness, and

just the feeling of being alone. Everyone here understands.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Mom of Chip]

Dee------I can't think why the birds won't use your new feeder.

I know that sometimes it takes a little while for them to go to

a new feeder, but it has been some time since you got it, right?

I recall when I bought a new feeder quite a few yrs. ago, and

hung it in the pine where we had a busy feeding area. The birds

just refused to use it. Then, I read in a birding mag. that birds

don't care for a feeder that is white in color. The feeder I had

bought was a "gazebo-type" white feeder. So, I took it down

and spray painted it gray, and daubed some green paint on it

with a sm. sponge, and rehung it. Soon the birds were using

it. I had never heard that birds don't like white feeders.

Mermaidtears----I so agree with your words that grieving persons

must "heal from within". It makes sense, though. Sometimes

other people just don't understand that jokes, laughter, and

upbeat activities cannot somehow, magically, chase away the grief.

This is especially true in the terrible early times on this journey.

When I was in those early times, I seemed to just keep to myself

more (still do, really). However, each person must do what they

think best for their own grief. No one can tell someone else just

'how' they should be grieving.

Danielsdad----As others have said, I do hope that you can continue to

come here to BI. It is a good place to go when the heart is heavy

with all the emotions and sorrow.......despair, anger, sadness, and

just the feeling of being alone. Everyone here understands.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

That's interesting about the birds....I wonder why they don't like white. I have read a lot of accounts where our angels will contact us thru birds...especially cardinals, chick-a-dees and woodpeckers. Maybe since they are messengers from God and white is a symbol of purity to them, they don't want to defile the image of the purity by eating from a white feeder.

I, too, like the 'healing from within' concept...People just can't understand what it's like to lose a child...I lost my father 11 years ago. I was very close to him and it was quite a blow when he passed, but losing Chip is so much worse..I have never experienced anything like it...

There are so many friends out there who come to me with cheery faces..Why can't they be a little more solemn?...they don't have be sad...just show a little understanding...stop trying to get me to join some organization that they belong to...like they think that will cure my grief....I will become a 'joiner' again when I am ready...PEOPLE, PLEASE LET ME DO THIS IN MY OWN TIME.

Danielsdad - I feel for you. One year seems like an extremely light sentence.

Love and peace to all the angel parents who come here...

Del

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi everyone....have not been here for some time. I have been pretty ill with a lung infection. I just now checked messages from December. Thanks so much to all for remembering his special angel date. I have a lot of catching up to do with reading posts from previous weeks. Will keep in touch. Take care. Love to all!

[Guest]

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[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....wish I lived down the street from you...and you could nudge me on to walk....my BEST..BEST..BEST Friend EVER...Margaret Ann passed away 7 years ago....we walked 3 miles 5 days a week...always had something to talk about...and we could re-hash old stuff 1,000 times...even if we could not find an answer....we were content that we would keep talking til all was figured out....afterwards....when I would start walking...it was so sad...I stopped...but I do know I feel better and my head clears when I have been out and about ...I do need to start again...was any form of justice served after Eri passed...?? How long did it take you to resolve any issues ? So many are so conflicted with the injustice of it all....and I can certainly understand the anguish in their hearts.

[Guest]

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[JD99501]

Here in Alaska bird feeders are bear magnets. So you have to hang them very high. Most people dont have them.

[Mermaid Tears]

Danielsdad, I am so sorry for your loss and having to dealing with the results of the trial. You are in my thoughts.

Sherry and mermaid tears, I also agree with having to go through it, there is no way around it. Healing from within us, yes, we have to go on with our normal everyday things on the outside and heal from the inside. I think we would all agree with this.

Dee, I have always done some sort of exercise, mostly arerobics and started walking more a few years ago. But it has been a God send for me and has helped me significantly in my journey.

Chips Mom, I agree, people don't have to be sad but I am with you on the understanding part.

Most of our snow was melted yesterday but we got three inches today, so not loving it.

I know that you and I can be on the same page as our grief...in the time that we have been on this path....I look for your postings...and I sometimes 'really' need to read what you write...you have given me a layer...a comfort...even so small....for me to relate to and with....it is like trying to walk in step....blind and following....I ramble...I have to find another way "to be"....

[ericasmom]

Kate is BACK! I am so glad to know Kate, that you are out there and healing after this illness. Hang on and follow the doctor's orders and get well. We have missed you.

Sherry, so interesting about a white feeder. Ours are green metal and clear plexi. Don't get it. Yes, we have had them since late December. I think that we have them in the wrong place, but we might not move them till later in winter.

Del, yes birds butterflies and dragonflies have often been felt as messengers from above. In fact I do believe that dragonflies are called God's messengers or Heaven's messengers. I know what you mean about folks trying to get you to join clubs or do something special. I am afraid I did this with my friend long ago when she lost her little one. I kept asking her to go for a bike ride with me or take a walk with me, not fully understanding that these things held no appeal to her, that she needed to be left to herself and to just have time. It is a double edged situation, many in grief feel folks forget about them but many don't want to feel pressured into situations...our friends and family have no idea what to do with us. I wish we could explain what we are feeling when we are new in this sadness, I guess we would tell them that we would love to sit and be able to recall stories about our Child who died and not have folks feel uncomfortable...and to listen to the stories that others remember about our Child.

Susan, i would love to walk with you, I would knock knock knock on your door and call you out and we would walk and you could tell me about your good friend who is now hanging out with the kids. It would be hard to start up without her I am sure, but she will be walking with you when you do, just have to let her know you are walking in her honor. We did have a ton of legal hoops to jump through but in the end, after nearly 4 years of back and forth and having a lawyer, we settled with the city if they would change the whole configuration of the stops through town, and they did. This brought me great comfort. AMTRAK never apologized nor admitted guilt or culpability, and the judge who seemed cool and had sat on cases with big companies in the past, in the end said that we did not have a case in court with AMTRAK. After 4 years of continuances and all that goes into it...it was time to let it go. I had to let it go, the important work was done, the city that Eri loved apologized and then reconfigured the stops.

I love the way you posted about healing from within, indeed this is true.

[ericasmom]

Surreal, if i had bears wondering about, there is no way I would leave any trace of foods. Do you see them often?

[KC's Mom]

DanielsDad- my sister was killed by a drunk driver in 1999, 10 years before we lost our son in 2009. The driver was drag racing and lost control of his suburban. He hit my sister head on. He went to prison for 5 years. The loss was very difficult for my family. It is so hard not to be able to say good bye.

But when we lost our son, I didn't know you could hurt so much and survive. My counselor said we had to go through the grief. I went to my Dr and she said the same thing. I just wanted something so I could sleep and wake up with it all over I think. But we all know that can't happen. I have to say they were right. I am not sure where my family would be today if we were not working through our grief. It has been 3 years now and this last angel date has been hard for us. We all felt it a lot. My counselor said year 3 can be hard because any shred of denial we might have held on to is gone, along with the numbness. So we feel the pain more again. I have some days where I am going along pretty good and it slams me. I say I forget I am not normal...for just a bit. Plans I make that I think are a good idea but turn out not to be and I wonder "what was I thinking". I forgot I was'nt normal. We didn't go to church over the holidays cos it is too hard to hear about other people's plans with all of their kids. We will never be a whole family again. I am jealous of my friends that can call their kids or don't feel like a part of a group discussion with the normal people. We have learned to be selective in what we do. I think the other part that is hard is watching my other 2 kids suffer through their grief.

Thanks for letting me unload tonight. I guess I needed to do that.

Jeri

KC's Mom

[Mom of Chip]

I wish we could explain what we are feeling when we are new in this sadness, I guess we would tell them that we would love to sit and be able to recall stories about our Child who died and not have folks feel uncomfortable...and to listen to the stories that others remember about our Child.

Exactly...I long to talk to ANYone who knew Chip...listen to stories they might have about things they did together in their childhood...or when they played a gig together...any little thing they remember...

I cherish his facebook page..Many of his friends, as well as family, continue to post remembrances there..It is comforting knowing that I am not the only one who misses him. This week a childhood friend posted that she had crush on him in junior high. That made me smile.

[Jeff's Mom]

Good morning everyone. Thanks Lora and Dee... for your concern. This flu bug was a nasty beast that settled into my lungs with a vengeance. These new bugs are so difficult to clear up these days. They seem to be resistant to antibiotics. Anyway, it's good to be feeling more like my old self again. I am thinking of everyone and trying to get caught up on reading the posts from past weeks. It is very, very cold up here today. Crazy weather pattern this winter. Up and down like crazy. Today the high is only -22C. We have had a fair amount of snow as well this year. So, it has been good for the snowmobilers and skiers. Most of our neighbours have left for warmer and sunnier climes for the next few months. Anyway, thinking of everyone as you go about your day today. Will post more later. love, Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

Good morning everyone. Thanks Lora and Dee... for your concern. This flu bug was a nasty beast that settled into my lungs with a vengeance. These new bugs are so difficult to clear up these days. They seem to be resistant to antibiotics. Anyway, it's good to be feeling more like my old self again. I am thinking of everyone and trying to get caught up on reading the posts from past weeks. It is very, very cold up here today. Crazy weather pattern this winter. Up and down like crazy. Today the high is only -22C. We have had a fair amount of snow as well this year. So, it has been good for the snowmobilers and skiers. Most of our neighbours have left for warmer and sunnier climes for the next few months. Anyway, thinking of everyone as you go about your day today. Will post more later. love, Kate

[Guest]

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[mikesmomrs]

Have a meeting with an attorney today to discuss further steps to take regarding why a cardiac care unit allowed medicine to be given to my husband that gave him a heart attack when they already knew how fragile he was, and knew what this medicine could do by itself, let along combined with another one they gave him at the same time. I am nervous about the meeting. Had a final one with the hospital last week and when she asked me what I "wanted," I lost it. I said "I would like accountability, that's all, but you are writing your report and having it signed and then it's going into a drawer, never to be seen again OR acted on to make the necessary changes." She said "the doctor is aware of what happened," and I said "ALL the doctors need to be aware of what happened, so changes can be made." That's when I told her I was meeting with my attoeny the next day and that's when she said "well, mrs. Johnston, if that's what you need for closure, then that is what you must do." I said "Closure?! Closure?! Closure is what you get when someone borrows your car and wrecks it and then buys you a new one to take its place. "Closure" is NOT something you get when someone dies...there is NO closure there, they are never coming back, their life is over. There is no "undo" button in life when it comes to someone dying." Then I said "We knew my husband was dying, we knew he was "going downhill. But you all greased the skids by giving him a heart attack when you gave him the wrong medicine. He didn't have a chance after that. His "month or two" that we expected was taken away and he died one week later, having been lucid only two brief times after the heart attack." So, I am nervous. No, meetings won't bring my hsuband back, but maybe they will bring about changes in a cardiac intensive care unit that will keep more people alive through those changes. Something has to be changed. This is the same hospital, by the way, that didn't give young Mike the steroids the doctor wrote orders to restart, and it put him into a coma for 44 hours, after his first brain cancer surgery.

Just venting. Will take you all with me, as I go about this, and know that I am with you all, as always. You are all in my prayers.

KATE: SO good to see you back.

[tobyfreefoot]

KATE!!!!!!! so glad to see you!!!! i had no idea where you went and am glad you are doing ok. missed you!

on a less happy note--i am wondering if anyone else did not get to see their child? i did get to see forest but not until wednesday. he was killed sunday morning and they were not going to let me see him at all but the mortician told me she heard me screaming and wailing though i was in a private room down the hall and said she knew she had to do something so my baby's face was covered with a gray piece of cloth from his eyes down i could see the edge of a plaster cast apparently to hold up the cloth. his girlfriend's family was not allowed to see her except for one forearm and hand the rest covered by a sheet. how come i didn't have to identify him as others have? and how come they can decide whether you see them and what happened to his clothes? i didn't think to ask at the time.

i had to walk behind a semi on the way to my car today and got a close look at the bumper and supports. i can't help but think of the kids when i see this and today in particular it shot through me. perhaps because i heard parents were not allowed to see their children after the recent school shooting though i don't know if that is true. anyway i got in my car screaming no no no, then like lori, tears rolled down my face as i started my car and drove on to do an errand. it just seems to be part of the fabric my life is woven from now.

jeri mentioned how she plans things and ends up wondering "what was i thinking?" i keep doing that too, trying and trying to be normal, round up my kids and go to the fair or the movie or something but "we will never be a whole family again" my husband said "this was the best christmas ever" when ever anyone says those things all i can think is "how can they think that? it might have been the best except that forest wasn't there."

for me the best days of my life are over. people say yeah but now you have a grandchild and you still have your other kids. that is true but i have to say "yes but the best days of my life were when all my children were alive." you can add and add to my life but just like making a painting on torn paper no matter how fine the subject matter or how beautifully it is painted the fact the paper has a big tear through it keeps you from being able to fully appreciate it.

this is my whole family now.

[tobyfreefoot]

carol know we are all with you every step of the way! how completely stupid and insensitive-if that's what you have to do for closure-pardon my french but F that!! i wish we all lived in a little village together, with no idiots, where we could support each other and be understood without even having to say a thing.

[Mermaid Tears]

I 'read' so much heartache and anguish....I 'hear' with my heart wide open.....I want to 'say' some words for each of you....but my emotions are so all over the place...so I am going to pray..and say each of your names....sometimes life comes down to the lowest common denominator...and prayers are all I have to give.....

[daveydow1]

Mermaid----- Your loss of your son is so very recent on this rough road...

I can well understand that you have not many words. Your prayers are

very much appreciated, friend. Peace to you.

Carol-----Yes, this is an example of how insensitive that corporations

can be----healthcare in the U.S. is now a big corporation.....impersonal

and sometimes irresponsible, as in the case of them giving Ralph the

med that caused him to have a fatal heart attack. I'm not slamming ALL

healthcare facilities....not at all. But when they are responsible for bad

outcomes, I think that they should be called out for it. That lady you talked to has

obviously never been in that situation of losing a loved one due to carelessness.

You are right......all the doctors should have been consulting with each

other in order to give the correct care & treatment. Too many times, there's

a break in the continuity of communication among multiple Drs. and caregivers.

Sending prayers to you.

Gretchen-----Yes,...sadly, I agree with your statement ..."the best days of my

life are over". That is how I feel too. Of course, we all must keep on going,

and we do....but to me,... your statement is a realistic one. I would never assume

that everyone would feel this way.....it's just the way that I feel too. You

mentioned a semi. I may have forgotten the circumstances of your dear Forest's

death. My son, David's, death was caused by an impaired truck driver. Yes....

there's always that empty place in the family when a loved one is gone.

Peace & comfort to you.

Momof chip----I agree that we must heal in our own time. Others somehow think

that they need to do their best to try to get us to 'join up' in some organizations,

and that it will boost us on our way somehow. I guess we must just tell them

how we need our own time to grieve, and the process can't be rushed.

Kate----So GLAD to see your post again. Sorry that you have been battling the flu,

and hope you are on the mend. Some of your neighbors go to warmer climates

for the winter.......our neighbor...one of the farmers also goes south after all the

harvest work is done.

Dee----The article didn't give a specific reason why birds don't like white feeders.

It also said to place the feeders close to some branches that could afford the

birds some cover. Colder weather comin again,....right?

KCsmom-----Jeri---Yes, the 3 yr. mark on this journey can be very difficult, and

you are right....the buffering of shock and denial is mostly gone, and more of

reality comes it.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Mom of Chip]

In the few days since I joined this forum, I have felt a lot better...It had never occurred to me that sharing with other parents who had suffered the loss of a child could be so healing. Thank you all for being here.

However, I feel I have gone into a stage of depression...Hungry but nothing is appetizing...don't want to do anything unless I have to...

I did take care of my plants today...watered them, misted them and moved some back outside...hopefully, warmer will hold for a few days so I don't have to bring them back in any time soon.

One organization I have thought about looking into...Compassionate Friends...Have any of you gone to their meetings?

I have considered it, but don't know if I am ready. My son wants me to try it, but he's not pushing me. The thing is..in our area they only meet once a month..I think I need more than that...I think I need to be able to have some conversations with others a few times a week..maybe at my own discretion.

I don't like having to make myself attend some meeting when I may not be feeling up to it...when I need some companionship I want it right then...

I think that's why BI has helped me so much...I can come here when I feel the need...I can read what others have to say and post if I feel like it.

Again, thank you for being here.

Del

[Mermaid Tears]

Yes...Mom of Chip....so am with you on the same page....I don't have the need to have to "meet" with people....and this site has given me the language that I speak now....for it is foreign to the ones around me....and I am on foreign ground...and feeling my way....learning the "new" way to be....and live.....it is strange and I have to feel around as if I am blind....sometimes I bump into corners....and then...have to turn around and find my way back....then...start all over again....and I 'feel' my way around it....and I 'walk' my way around it....and I 'run' my way around it.....I bump into the dark....and then come up for 'sunshine' as if I come up for air....giving me a space to breathe....and find myself......to go on.....I will learn to go on....it is a foreign place now.