Loss of an Adult Child

June 25, 2012

And so on my last visit to my family Doc I was given the order to lose weight...heart issues, etc. And so this is my thought on his advice....

With time, women gain weight

BECAUSE WE

accumulate so much information

and wisdom in our heads that when

there is no more room, it distributes out

to the rest of our bodies. So

we aren't heavy, we are enormously

cultured, educated, and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt

in the mirror...I will think

"Good grief, look how smart I am!"

Must be how the term Smart Ass got started!

June 25, 2012

Well I have been up since 1:30am and it has not been a good day at all. I have had nothing but crying boughts and I called one of my sisters because I did not know what to do or how to stop the tears. I told her that I felt that if I could die I would love it so I could be with Robert. And she got scared, for I heard it in her voice. I told her don't worry I am not going to kill myself because of the fact that the God I know has hurt me so many times especially when it comes to the dumb feeling love. I hate that feeling, for all my life that word which is to make you happy and warm and all good things, has been nothing but pain and hurt and everything dark and bad things. I told my sister if I tried to kill myself that with my luck (which I have always said that if my husband didn't have bad luck we wouldn't have any luck at all),I would not die and if I did God would not allow me to be with Robert. It just really is hurting me that my illusion of the how I always believed the stupid fantasy that love can conquer all. Which has worked many times for my husband and I for we were homeless for 6 months and we worked so hard to pull ourself up as best we could and love was all we had and it got us through many many dark days. But my love for Robert could not save him and I cannot seem to get past that. I feel cheated for all the years his grandparents kept me from him and also all the years that will never be and to me it is his grandparents fault for the things they did and said to him on a daily basis and also to me it is Gods fault to because he could have let him live. I am glad that Robert is out of pain I have always wanted that for him. But I wish that I could have him out of pain and still be able to talk to him and see him once in awhile. Just is not fair. I know life is not fair. But I have had more then my share of lifes unfairness. And I just feel defeated and can't seem to get past this. I have been feeling this way since Robert died. But I have kept these feelings from everyone. I fake dealing with life each day but I hate being alive anymore. I hate the fact that the world continues and I just don't want to be in it. I hate it that I have to be responsible and pay bills, clean house and everything else that living is what you do. Heck I hate even eating. I think all is so stupid and dumb. I think that the world should of stopped for to me Robert should have had a holiday named after him for he was that special of a person, atleast to me and by the world continuing it is like he was not an important person. Just makes me sick. I don't like how I feel and I know that only I can change this myself, but I just can't seem to get past that I was his mother and best friend and I did not save him. I could not take his pain away. I tried but I know the pain was so intense inside of him that I do not believe he heard or comprehended anything that I said about dealing with the things that had happened to him growing up that had caused him to be in so much pain and torment. I have always as a so called adult tried to be the responsible loving and nice person towards all and pay bills and do what I thought was the right thing to do, and where has it gotten me. First beaten by my dad and molested and then my ex beating me and then having my boys reaped from me by the ex in-laws and now loosing Robert for permanent. It makes my inside in so much pain and sorrow that I cannot even try to describe the depth of the pain I am in. Sometimes I feel like I am going insane but then I am told I am normal feelings after loosing a child. But it still does not take my pain away, for I want my son, I want my best friend, I want what we had. I feel like he left me all alone. I know I have a wonderful supportive husband but if it came down to him or Robert I would have to choose Robert over him. I have told him that too. He said he would hurt so without me but that he understood how I feel that way. well thanks for listening.

June 25, 2012

Kate, that explains everything...I am brilliant. Thanks for that.

Linda, today is a bad day, but do keep in mind that you had a couple of nice ones recently. It will happen again, the nicer days.

Today the hummingbird moth and the swallowtail yellow butterfly in the yard. Still no hummingbirds, but the moth is a treat to see again. It is picture perfet outside today which is nice since the heat is suppose to come again and reach nearly 100 on Thursday. YiKES. I tutoried outdoors this morning and then returned outdoors to read and nap beneath the river birch. Ahhhhhhhhh, relaxation is something that I really love.

June 25, 2012

And so on my last visit to my family Doc I was given the order to lose weight...heart issues, etc. And so this is my thought on his advice....
With time, women gain weight
BECAUSE WE
accumulate so much information
and wisdom in our heads that when
there is no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies. So
we aren't heavy, we are enormously
cultured, educated, and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt
in the mirror...I will think
"Good grief, look how smart I am!"
Must be how the term Smart Ass got started!

Love it!

June 25, 2012

it didn't go to bad today with the psychiatrist. It was a lot of questions, I swear they were asked different ways about 10 times each. I guess they want to see if you answer the same way always. We will be going every monday morning.

Kate, I too need to lose weight.. I never realized how smart I am. It is almost to smart :-) thanks for the information.. I enjoyed it.

Dee, not looking forward to the extra warm weather, we are supposed to be around 100 tomorrow, summer isn't my favorite time of the year, give me spring and fall. I hope you manage to stay cool.

Rhonda, it wasn't to bad, I don't know what to do with my fears, maybe we will work them out together. I don't think they are rational fears, just ones that are coming with all the changes in life.

Carol, I am happy Mike got home, I sure hope his lungs don't have pneumonia. I will be praying for him as always and you.. I sure hope your doing ok.

Becky, I sure wish I had words of wisdom, my heart goes out to you. You have gone through a lot, and there are so many emotions you have to go through to get to who you are now. Heck, finding out who we are isn't easy, I always thought once I got past 50 the world would be a piece of cake but I am still learning.

Jenn, I am glad for your happy news, something we always need, and it is great to share with your angels..

Mom's social worker comes in on Wednesday to make sure I am taking care of her ok. Seems like I have the social workers in and out here more often than most. Good thing I am a good kid. :-).... ON wednesday is a meeting to discuss my grandkids, Sena and her brother, I will be attending over the phone, it is just to hard to get up there right now.

My little guy went to work with Dad again today, he grows up too fast, I want to follow him around and make sure they aren't letting him do to much, but I guess that is dads part. It is hard to let go.

Guess I better get moving.. thinking of you all

June 25, 2012

Leah, I remember thinking certain ages would find me being sophisticated, (laughable now, as I am nothing near that word) and I thought I would be a calmer woman than I am but that didn't happen either. I am certainly not a calm woman. The sessions sound very useful even if they are a bit intrusive...a way to work with Sena on becoming a whole person in the face of so many ups and downs, and she gets to do so with you. Nice.

June 26, 2012

Thank you all for your well wishes on my surgery. I will be glad when it's over and when I can be back home. I am dreading having to go and stay in that hospital where nearly 9 months ago I went to identify my Jared. I have been back in the emergency room once since then, when my Dad fell in November, and it was all I could do to hold myself together, as we were in a room right across the hall from the room where Jared was that night. Now I have to spend at least 2 nights there?

I washed Jared's bear and am taking it with me. He looks better now, as I had pretty much flattened his belly by sleeping with it every night, now he's clean and fluffy. So strange, as Jared got that bear in the same hospital when he was five, and was there for a week with pneumonia. He had kept it ever since, and it was the only thing left in his room that was leftover from early childhood. There were skull headed things, and posters of Marley and Michael Jackson, and pieces of jewelry, little darts he had made to blow out of a straw like an African warrier would do.... and then there was his bear, no longer on his bed, but on top of a corner cabinet. Could it be he rememered that I spent that entire week he was there by his side? I washed him, I fed him, I read to him, and I prayed with him. He was one sick little boy. I wouldn't leave him for a moment, and took my showers and changed clothes when my husband would bring me a change of clothing and could sit with Jared while I cleaned up. I didn't want him to be afraid. That was more than 10 years ago....

The next time he and I would be together at that hospital was when I had a complete hysterectomy in 2005, and the staff pretty much had to kick out my whole family for sitting on the other bed in the room. The hospital gave me a pillow, and Jared and his basketball teammates all signed it when I got released from the hospital and went directly to his basketball game, and walked along the sideline shouting encouragement while holding that pillow to my stomach. I had always been the team mom of everything, as my husband coached, and I wasn't going to let a little thing like a hysterectomy slow me down! That was 7 years ago....

We were at that hospital again on October 4th, 2010, when he sprained his wrist skateboarding. Just the two of us went, and were there for about 2 hours to be thankfully informed it was not broken. That was almost one year to the day of this past year, October 3rd, 2011, when he was taken there to be pronounced, as there was nothing they could do to save him after being stuck from behind by an SUV traveling 50mph, while riding his skateboard heading home less than 1/4 mile from our driveway. 15 years, 5 months, and 11 days old.

I know he'll be there with me, as he has always been the one in this family to be so concerned with my health. He hated when anything was wrong with me, and was the one to rub my feet and put lotion on them, telling me he would always take care of me, and not let me end up like some diabetics do, losing toes and feet and limbs. He is the one who sat up with me all night when I accidentally took the wrong insulin dose and had to keep checking my sugar levels and eating all night to keep from bottoming out. My husband and daughter love me, and would do for me, but Jared was always the one to volunteer.

I know I still have more to do here on earth, and finding some sense of justice and truth in the crash that claimed him are still at the top of my list, but honestly, I have thought of how sweet it would be to just go home to heaven, and see my son, and be done with all the pain and heartache. Don't worry, I will do what I can as long as I can, but when the call comes to leave here? I will hear it, because I am definitely listening.

June 26, 2012

I just wanted to say goodbye. You're a very lucky bunch to have each other. I wish I could have connected somehow with someone but it seems that nobody really does understand what I'm feeling. I REALLY AM LOST WITHOUT MY ANDY. And it is officially my 45th birthday. That just doesn't seem right, that I'm here and my son isn't. Nothing is going to change that and nothing is getting better. I've got no one to talk to, Nobody is comfortable with my tears. I guess I'm just strange. I CAN'T bring myself to make conversation. It's not a matter of not caring it's more ..more like having just been hit by a massive bomb and barely surviving but everyone is just walking past expecting me to say "Why hello! Nice day isn't it! How's that boy of yours doing? I heard he just got married!" I'm sorry...I just can't. So I'm stuck in my own solitude with nothing but the pain. I'm not a bad person, really I'm not. My pain is just too great for me to help myself get back to "me".

May God continue to bless each and every one of you with the healling bonds you've found in one another and may your hearts continue to heal....You will always be in my prayers.

June 26, 2012

Lori: Please don't feel that you need to leave BI...for whatever reason you are feeling that, please try to understand that we here are with each other, and with you, always. We each include all of us in our prayers, our good wishes and we truly do understand your loneliness and loss of hope. We would love to know more about your son, Andy, if you wish to share. Please know that we are here for you, and at any time you can pm any of us. We who have been here a while, and we who have only been here a short while, understand your pain, and your loss. Please know that.

June 26, 2012

Thank you all for your well wishes on my surgery. I will be glad when it's over and when I can be back home. I am dreading having to go and stay in that hospital where nearly 9 months ago I went to identify my Jared. I have been back in the emergency room once since then, when my Dad fell in November, and it was all I could do to hold myself together, as we were in a room right across the hall from the room where Jared was that night. Now I have to spend at least 2 nights there?
I washed Jared's bear and am taking it with me. He looks better now, as I had pretty much flattened his belly by sleeping with it every night, now he's clean and fluffy. So strange, as Jared got that bear in the same hospital when he was five, and was there for a week with pneumonia. He had kept it ever since, and it was the only thing left in his room that was leftover from early childhood. There were skull headed things, and posters of Marley and Michael Jackson, and pieces of jewelry, little darts he had made to blow out of a straw like an African warrier would do.... and then there was his bear, no longer on his bed, but on top of a corner cabinet. Could it be he rememered that I spent that entire week he was there by his side? I washed him, I fed him, I read to him, and I prayed with him. He was one sick little boy. I wouldn't leave him for a moment, and took my showers and changed clothes when my husband would bring me a change of clothing and could sit with Jared while I cleaned up. I didn't want him to be afraid. That was more than 10 years ago....
The next time he and I would be together at that hospital was when I had a complete hysterectomy in 2005, and the staff pretty much had to kick out my whole family for sitting on the other bed in the room. The hospital gave me a pillow, and Jared and his basketball teammates all signed it when I got released from the hospital and went directly to his basketball game, and walked along the sideline shouting encouragement while holding that pillow to my stomach. I had always been the team mom of everything, as my husband coached, and I wasn't going to let a little thing like a hysterectomy slow me down! That was 7 years ago....
We were at that hospital again on October 4th, 2010, when he sprained his wrist skateboarding. Just the two of us went, and were there for about 2 hours to be thankfully informed it was not broken. That was almost one year to the day of this past year, October 3rd, 2011, when he was taken there to be pronounced, as there was nothing they could do to save him after being stuck from behind by an SUV traveling 50mph, while riding his skateboard heading home less than 1/4 mile from our driveway. 15 years, 5 months, and 11 days old.
I know he'll be there with me, as he has always been the one in this family to be so concerned with my health. He hated when anything was wrong with me, and was the one to rub my feet and put lotion on them, telling me he would always take care of me, and not let me end up like some diabetics do, losing toes and feet and limbs. He is the one who sat up with me all night when I accidentally took the wrong insulin dose and had to keep checking my sugar levels and eating all night to keep from bottoming out. My husband and daughter love me, and would do for me, but Jared was always the one to volunteer.
I know I still have more to do here on earth, and finding some sense of justice and truth in the crash that claimed him are still at the top of my list, but honestly, I have thought of how sweet it would be to just go home to heaven, and see my son, and be done with all the pain and heartache. Don't worry, I will do what I can as long as I can, but when the call comes to leave here? I will hear it, because I am definitely listening.

Praying for a speedy recovery, Take Care Brenda

June 26, 2012

I just wanted to say goodbye. You're a very lucky bunch to have each other. I wish I could have connected somehow with someone but it seems that nobody really does understand what I'm feeling. I REALLY AM LOST WITHOUT MY ANDY. And it is officially my 45th birthday. That just doesn't seem right, that I'm here and my son isn't. Nothing is going to change that and nothing is getting better. I've got no one to talk to, Nobody is comfortable with my tears. I guess I'm just strange. I CAN'T bring myself to make conversation. It's not a matter of not caring it's more ..more like having just been hit by a massive bomb and barely surviving but everyone is just walking past expecting me to say "Why hello! Nice day isn't it! How's that boy of yours doing? I heard he just got married!" I'm sorry...I just can't. So I'm stuck in my own solitude with nothing but the pain. I'm not a bad person, really I'm not. My pain is just too great for me to help myself get back to "me".
May God continue to bless each and every one of you with the healling bonds you've found in one another and may your hearts continue to heal....You will always be in my prayers.

Lori,I hope you don't leave, because I think over time it will help to have a place to come, we all are here for the same reason, your not alone! I sometimes feel the way you do ,I cant post and barely can read but I do find days that I can, we both lost our son's within months apart so I do know what your feeling.When I think about my Brian I just get sick, that I miss him so much and what his babies are going to miss, I feel my DL pulling away from me more everyday, I also have a 28 year old son not speaking to me at all, have not spoken to him since Brian's Funeral because he got into an argument with my sister. so I don't get to see his children or him and he lives 7 minutes from me . so I lost both my older sons and I cant do a thing to change it. I read this poem from a sight I have on my FB . I will put it in here , it is beautiful if only we could do it, you are in my thoughts and prayers , I am here any time you want to talk. Take Care Love Brenda

June 26, 2012

Lori, i hope that you will find a way to stay with us, there are many on this site who are fairly early in thier grief as you are, ways to see that you are not walking this path in isolation. Oh I know that we are essentially alone in our grief when the computer is off and we are alone alone- with the searing pain of loss, but we join here with those that also struggled through the nights, struggle through trying to work and be in the world again. It is like being placed suddenly in a foreign land, where nobody quite understands where you are from and what you need. We don't even really know what we need and it will be months before you have a clear thought in that direction, but we are here. I have been here nearly 9 years now, and all I can give you is my hope and prayers as you find your way through your birthday without Andy and all the firsts...nothing easy about it, nothing harder inthis world.

I wish you some feeling of your Boy's peace today and somehow a way to stay connected here.

June 26, 2012

Lori, I agree with Dee and the other women that have replied. I know it can seem as if you are on an Island by yourself. It is still so very new for you and the pain fresh and raw. You most certainly are not alone... and we do understand how you are feeling. Because we are going through this as well.... we experience many different phases of grieving. I too hope you will find a way to stay and talk with us about Andy. Take care.

Kate

June 26, 2012

I think life stinks and I think Robert had the right idea. My husband just got SSI in May that we have been trying to get him since his accident last year. He is permenently nerve damage in his whole leg and they almost had to take his leg off at the knee that was how bad it was and he was on life support for 9 days and yesterday he had to go in and see the people at SSI and they were nasty to him. Which we are so use to because we know they look at his tattoos all over his arms and he is stero typed all the time and then treat like crap. They have now told us that we can only have a certain amount of money and that when I get my inheritance from my dad they will take it because it is income and we are married. We spoke to a lawyer and the only way out of it is to get a divorce and neither of us want to consider that. We are proud that on the 10th we will be married 20 years and we have lived together 4 days after we met andd that was 23 years ago. I was told that being married is only a piece of paper, but to us it means more. So now it looks like the only other option is to quit getting SSI and try and figure out how to pay for his treatments and medication that he needs each month. I was up all night thinking about this. I am so frustrated and fed up with always trying to get some security and it just is not to happen for me and my husband. Just thought I would share.

June 26, 2012

lori i also hope you will stay i haven't been on much lately as i was taking care of my dying father. what i have posted is just trivial stuff but...there have been times when i was losing my mind and people here really helped, just to have someone that will listen, not judge you or think you should be over it. i really felt like there was no one to talk to in my "real"life. here i am able to say anything about my son i want and all day long everyday if i want. unlike other people the people here are glad to hear about my son, don't tell me not to talk about the horrible details or crushing sadness. i realize some days we are just talking about our gardens or outings but we are just trying to put one foot in front of the other and we try to encourage each other when we do have a good day. besides everyone here knows that while we were having that good day we were also carrying that heaviness in our hearts. there are plenty of days that i am reading or writing sobbing and shaking. my son and his girlfriend will be dead (what an unimaginable word to use for my beautiful manic son) one year on the third of july. i am having anxiety attacks and dreading the whole thing. i get stuck between not wanting to think about it and dragging all the terrible moments out and tormenting myself with the unbearable pain. my son's girlfriend's father sent me her cell number to call so i could hear her voice one last time and leave her a message then he is turning her phone off. i don't want her phone turned off. my son's phone was smashed in the wreck. i miss him terribly. he is my first child and only one from my first marriage. my other children have my second husband's temper but forest was very slow to anger and LOVED LOVED LOVED me, his siblings and his friends in such a sweet demonstrative way. no one will ever love me like he did. he always let me know. up until the day he died my kids (3 boys 1 girl) would all get out of the car to hug each other good bye. my heart breaks for my children too. anyway i hope you will check in occasionally because i don't want you to face this isolating feeling all alone. my heart to you.

June 26, 2012

Lori, I hope you don't leave this site for good. I could try to tell you I have understand your feelings but I don't.. they are yours, losing Andy is a hurt that nobody understands, but I am beginning to understand my feelings. I have been here for quite a while, and I have gone full circle many times, with intentions of never coming back to the site, to feeling I don't belong, to feeling I wasn't welcome.. but that is just what it is, feelings.. and how the feelings change in me like a rollercoaster.. one minute I am as down as can be, and the next I am happy, changing to guilt, back to depression and up again.

I told myself that I use this site for my best friend as I don't have friends outside of my family, and my family sometimes forgets I am here. this site is the one constant I have, and I get to say what I want, and sometimes I have been really upset.. Not once though have I been told not to speak my feelings.. not all the time have I heard the words I wanted to hear either.. but always.. I find a closeness to the angels, not just mine, I rhink about all of them.. and my JaBoa.. it is sometimes the only way I can manage through the pain. I don't always coment on everybodys posts, but I do read.. and often found comfort in something meant for somebody else, and in the process I have learned to become close to many of the Indigo family.

Roberts mom.. so sorry to hear of the problem of SSI, I guess in my years of the government (my husband is disabled) I know Uncle Sam likes his share. AS for marriage, it is just a piece of paper, I hate to see you miss out on something your husband deserves and hate to speak of divorce, but perhaps a divorce followed by a renewal of your vows, ( I once attended a wedding of religious matters, but the bride and groom were on SSA and didn't want to have it cut, they married in Gods eyes,not the states). I don't know what the monies you are looking at into the future, I know medical costs are terrible, and it has to be what you feel ok with. So, I hope that you find answers in your heart, and hope I haven't overstepped my big mouth.

Brenda, I loved the post about the tears, such a true way to look at it.

Becky, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Dee, sophistication is highly over-rated :-) my kids keep asking me when I am going to grow up and I keep telling them that I hope I never do. :-)

It is so hot today.. humidity is 100% and I don't even want to know the temp.. wish it was nightfall so we might have a little cool down

June 26, 2012

Leah, I hope that tomorrow brings some relief from the heat, though the weather was just on adn we are due for about 5 or 6 days of intense heat and so I guess you are too. I hope that the fires in the west can get contained and the floods in Florida will not take any lives...prayers.

Today was beautiful, yesterday too, mornings in the high 50's, warming into the mid 70's...so pretty. I put my bicycle in my car today and drove to a place on the Illinois Prairie Path that I like to begin a ride. I rode for about an hour in one direction, walked around the cute town I rode to, and turned around and went back. All told, about 15 miles. It was such a pretty ride through the prairie and through the towns that are along the way. Some nice forested pathways too.

I too liked the tears poem that was posted by Brenda, someone posted it not too long ago and I think each time I read it, it hits home a bit more.

Lori, not too long ago, when so many new folks arrived here Trudi posted the stages of grief as published by Elizabeth Kulbler Ross. You may already know these, she made them famous in the 60's or 70's, I remember them from Psych. class. The stages, while not always sequential, seem to be universal to those of us who have lost a Child. While of course nothing makes it easier, it does lend a bit of comfort knowing that these stages indicate a process, and a process indicates that others know enough about it to be able to list them and talk about them...that others have been in this horrid place too, that others really do know the ache of this horrendous loss. Grief is a process, not one that we want to deal with but knowing it is a process helped me to realize that there would come a time where the process let me breathe a bit lighter, that my heart would slowly reshape itself and as it did, would hold forever, the hole and in it all the memories I could fit in it of my Erica. The process in fact will take down to the depths of hell and spit you out at ground zero a few times, each time you will swear you can't go that round again, but we do, we go that round and the following one as well, until one day we realize that no matter what, we are here for a reason and perhaps we won't know the reason until the day we meet our Babies again, but until then, there are things to do to make life more livable. When I was at the 4 month mark, which I think you are at, I remember getting to school to start my day of teaching and phoning my husband and saying, " I can't do this today, I can't be here, it is too hard to be here."

I was shaking and having a panic attack which he recognized and calmed me with some of what he said. The kids were not there yet. What I realized that morning was that it was a Tuesday, (the day ERz was hit by the train) and there was a song on the radio that reminded me so much of ERi, and I had not slept much the night before due to grief as well, so I felt I might just unravel. The pain was huge, raw. It was in fact the layer of shock that had remained with me--coming off. It left me bare and naked and exposed to the harsh reality of losing ERi. It was not that I had not fully grasped her death, it was simply a time factor that left me with no more protection on my heart.

I hope that you are somehow feeling less anxious than you were this morning. I wish you deep sleep and a new day.

June 27, 2012

Just popping in very quickly to say I am thinking of you all. Hope you are coping as best as you can. Brenda, thanks. Will reply tomorrow.

Dee...the bike ride sounds like it was very enjoyable. Gather you head out before it really gets hot.

Leah...Guess the heat is heading our way. It got fairly hot today. Went to 30C. and they are calling for a long few days of sun and warmth ahead.

Carol...hope you are enjoying that game tonight. Thinking of you and the family.

Becky...good luck with your surgery.

Gretchen...how are you coping after your father's funeral?

Had a very nice afternoon. I finally managed to take some pics and will send to the site. Anyway, wishing you a loving gentle sleep tonight. Take care, everyone.

Kate

June 27, 2012

I have to respond to this because to me and my husband the marriage license is more than a piece of paper and I am insulted by people that have been saying this to me in the last couple of days. I would rather be dead then to get a divorce. We are going to figure out another way because that is how we feel. I marriage piece of paper is something that means so much to us and the thought that it is just a piece of paper shows what era everyone is in. I in old school and so is my husband. Marriage is sacred and not to go into lightly and it is a sruggle but you work on things together and do not just go to divorce if their is a problem. I will be married 20 years in less than two weeks, and we have been living together as of this pas April 23years and in todays world that is an accomplishment. But we did not go into this marriage lightly we knew that it was not going to be easy and that there would be hard times. Hell we have had many hard times but we got through it with love and alot of laughter. We did not decide than when times got real tough when we werre homeless for 6 months to divorce and we did not decide to divorce when I lost my job at the factory because of internal bleeding from having gallbladder surger, and we didn't divorce after Donald had 18teen surgeries on his butt and I had to take care of him and when he had back surgery when he was injuried on the job and could not walk and I am not going to do it now. I am anger I guess. My marriage means everything to me. It may be a piece of paper to some, but it means so much more to us. We talked about it and the pain of getting a divorce just so he can keep the medical is too painful for us. We just will have to figure out another way. And so I am so upset I just am not going to come back here anymore.

Lori, I hope you don't leave this site for good. I could try to tell you I have understand your feelings but I don't.. they are yours, losing Andy is a hurt that nobody understands, but I am beginning to understand my feelings. I have been here for quite a while, and I have gone full circle many times, with intentions of never coming back to the site, to feeling I don't belong, to feeling I wasn't welcome.. but that is just what it is, feelings.. and how the feelings change in me like a rollercoaster.. one minute I am as down as can be, and the next I am happy, changing to guilt, back to depression and up again.
I told myself that I use this site for my best friend as I don't have friends outside of my family, and my family sometimes forgets I am here. this site is the one constant I have, and I get to say what I want, and sometimes I have been really upset.. Not once though have I been told not to speak my feelings.. not all the time have I heard the words I wanted to hear either.. but always.. I find a closeness to the angels, not just mine, I rhink about all of them.. and my JaBoa.. it is sometimes the only way I can manage through the pain. I don't always coment on everybodys posts, but I do read.. and often found comfort in something meant for somebody else, and in the process I have learned to become close to many of the Indigo family.
Roberts mom.. so sorry to hear of the problem of SSI, I guess in my years of the government (my husband is disabled) I know Uncle Sam likes his share. AS for marriage, it is just a piece of paper, I hate to see you miss out on something your husband deserves and hate to speak of divorce, but perhaps a divorce followed by a renewal of your vows, ( I once attended a wedding of religious matters, but the bride and groom were on SSA and didn't want to have it cut, they married in Gods eyes,not the states). I don't know what the monies you are looking at into the future, I know medical costs are terrible, and it has to be what you feel ok with. So, I hope that you find answers in your heart, and hope I haven't overstepped my big mouth.
Brenda, I loved the post about the tears, such a true way to look at it.
Becky, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Dee, sophistication is highly over-rated :-) my kids keep asking me when I am going to grow up and I keep telling them that I hope I never do. :-)
It is so hot today.. humidity is 100% and I don't even want to know the temp.. wish it was nightfall so we might have a little cool down

June 27, 2012

Linda, I am struck by your inability to read what Leah's hope for you is, not because she thinks dimly of marriage but rather because she gave thought and care to you. You're not coming back because someone may have a difference of opinion? Well everyone lined up may give you a different thought but all of those thoughts offered here are a gathering of care. We can't only listen to the answers that we want to hear. Leah has worked through the hardships of marriage too, as have I...and as she stated, she would hate to see you cheated out of money due because of a governmental glitch. i hope you will see that it is only out of kindness that the suggestion came.

June 27, 2012

I have to respond to this because to me and my husband the marriage license is more than a piece of paper and I am insulted by people that have been saying this to me in the last couple of days. I would rather be dead then to get a divorce. We are going to figure out another way because that is how we feel. I marriage piece of paper is something that means so much to us and the thought that it is just a piece of paper shows what era everyone is in. I in old school and so is my husband. Marriage is sacred and not to go into lightly and it is a sruggle but you work on things together and do not just go to divorce if their is a problem. I will be married 20 years in less than two weeks, and we have been living together as of this pas April 23years and in todays world that is an accomplishment. But we did not go into this marriage lightly we knew that it was not going to be easy and that there would be hard times. Hell we have had many hard times but we got through it with love and alot of laughter. We did not decide than when times got real tough when we werre homeless for 6 months to divorce and we did not decide to divorce when I lost my job at the factory because of internal bleeding from having gallbladder surger, and we didn't divorce after Donald had 18teen surgeries on his butt and I had to take care of him and when he had back surgery when he was injuried on the job and could not walk and I am not going to do it now. I am anger I guess. My marriage means everything to me. It may be a piece of paper to some, but it means so much more to us. We talked about it and the pain of getting a divorce just so he can keep the medical is too painful for us. We just will have to figure out another way. And so I am so upset I just am not going to come back here anymore.

Linda, settle down. Leah was only stating a possible solution to your problem! If you read her post over again at the end it states ...and then renew your vows! I know you are under tremendous stress from everything that you are going through. But you must try to understand that that are many others on this site with their own huge personal issues to deal with. Many just choose not to make it public on the site. So, in fact, we all understand the weight you are carrying. There is no dispute there. I hate to see you so horribly miserable. We all are very unhappy due to our loss. I can't help but wonder if you would find going to a psychiatrist that is funded by a local hospital for some help. It seems as if you are really needing that one on one type of counselling. Check out your hospital or church to see what is available. And please do not think I am saying this to be mean. This load you are carrying is very heavy. There is nothing wrong with saying that you need help at this point. I lost my son the same way as you. It is a cross I will carry for the rest of my days. But I also have health issues and other things that I am not prepared to openly talk about. So, I do indeed know the burden of this wieght you are carrying.

Dee, myself, and many others have gone for assistance when the problems seemed beyond what we could handle. Please do this for yourself. Take care.

June 27, 2012

Well, I woke up last night to the most amazing electrical storm. The kind that you see in movies. It was so spectacular. On the plus side I don't have to water my gardens today! It is another fantastic day. Sunny and warm. I just wanted to say that I am thinking of everyone and hoping you are all fine.

Carol...how did the game go?

Susan...I am so sorry to read of your loss. I hope you will feel comfortable in talking to us about your child.

Leah...Hoping all is well your way.

Brenda...I get it completely. Hang in there.

Dee...any more bike rides planned this week?

Off for a long walk before it gets too hot. Take care everyone.

Linda...thinking of you!

Kate

June 27, 2012

Linda, I apologize that I hurt you. My intentions were never to hurt anybody, I cry just to think that I have done this to you. It is just that I know how it hurts not to be able to make ends meet. I have that problem everyday. Marriage means the world to me, I am sorry you read me as saying different. I am saying that sadly the piece of paper that means the world to us, means only money to the government. To me marriage is the promise I made to my husband and to God that I was going to be here through thick and thin and that precious piece of paper doesn't hold my marriage together. I never meant to tell you to divorce, I was just trying to give you another outlook.. I told you it was you who had to decide in your heart, again I apologize

I will back off, and thank you Kate and Dee for what you have said, wouldn't you know.. the first time I feel like I might say something wise I do the one thing I never wanted to do I am so sorry

June 27, 2012

SummerFest starts today

Scott and I are going to see Kool and the Gang. I am already rockin' out!

I am trying not to phyc myself out with Brian's 21st birthday coming up. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would not have him here on his 21st.

I am trying to keep busy - that seems to work for me.

Love to all of you. Please do not get angry at each other. We do not have the energy for that.

Colleen Brian's Mother 4ever

June 27, 2012

I did not mean to make you cry, that was not what I was trying to do and for that I am sorry. But I just wanted to say that my marriage license means so much to me. I know to agencies it is just a piece op paper but I can't see it that way. We have been through so much that many of times we both have thought of walking away because it would of been easier at times but we hung it out and we worked together to solve the problems. So we both agree that we are just going to get rid of SSI and just have to use the income that my dad gives me each month to get him to his pain management doctor and pay his medication which is high. SO we don't go out to eat or vacation. We are use to that. I just a glad that they paid for the hospital stay in ICU when he was on life support for 9 days and then when he was in the rehab for a month. SO that was the main thing. I truely am sorry to make you cry that is not the kind of person that I am. I just am old school where marriage means more then than it does now. Now its like if there is alittle problem they divorce. I have had many big problems that could of destroyed our marriage so many times over the last 23 years but we put our heads together and tried to figure it out. We are not rich in money but so rich in love and respect for each other. And to me that means more to me than life itself.

Now there are some thing I am going to say that I know will worry some, but I am fine. I cannot stand the pain anymore and I have no girlfriends and my sisters live too far away to help and there is so much my husband can do for he did not like my son because one he was gay and second he felt that .all my kids took advantage of me but Robert did it more than the others. I told him that I was well aware of it but I did not care for they had been out of my life for so long I would do anything to earn their trust again. And after awhile Robert did earn my trust and he stopped taking advandtage of me. But I am 51 going on 52 this year and I have always been the nice girl that did not cause problems. Tried to do everything right. And where did it get me. A adopted father who molested me and wants to rape me if I would let him, a ex husband that beat the living **** out of me along with my teeth and then have his parents who had money take the only things that I loved away from me (my boys) and destroy their soul. And the two sons I have left want nothing to do with me and boy I have tried so hard. But I can not keep doing this nice stuff anymore. Don;t worry I am not going to kill myself but I am tired of being good and getting nothing in return. SO i am still going to be nice person to all because that is who I am, but I am going to find any and all things that will take the pain away from me. I am tired and I have been told that the pain would subside but it is only getting worse and I cannot take it anymore. I need to dull it as much as I can. And I dulled the pain when I lost my kids for almost 7 years when Robert turned 17 and ran away to come to me. But there will be no more of that. And his brothers want nothing from me. Chris said it for both of them and he said all I am is a birth mom and that is all I will ever be. It hurts so when he said it but I understand. It just makes me hurt for Robert much more. Robert needed me and a mother needs to feel needed and no one needs me. I know you are saying my husband and I am still here for him but I am not allowed to be there and needed for my other boys and I cannot take the pain of that anymore and the words they say that they love me but there actions speak well did my duty for a year that I spoke to her or we saw her at the memorial for our brother don't need to see or speak to her for another year but we must take care of dad because he is hurting. SO I need to find a way to stop and dull the pain even if it means illegal drugs and I do not care or I am not ashamed to say this. i am tired of the pain.

Linda, I apologize that I hurt you. My intentions were never to hurt anybody, I cry just to think that I have done this to you. It is just that I know how it hurts not to be able to make ends meet. I have that problem everyday. Marriage means the world to me, I am sorry you read me as saying different. I am saying that sadly the piece of paper that means the world to us, means only money to the government. To me marriage is the promise I made to my husband and to God that I was going to be here through thick and thin and that precious piece of paper doesn't hold my marriage together. I never meant to tell you to divorce, I was just trying to give you another outlook.. I told you it was you who had to decide in your heart, again I apologize
I will back off, and thank you Kate and Dee for what you have said, wouldn't you know.. the first time I feel like I might say something wise I do the one thing I never wanted to do I am so sorry

June 27, 2012

A quick note.. I had my meeting with the social worker for mom and I am good to go for another year. I don't know why I worry about meetings, I know they usually go well. I am just a worrier :-)

Tomorrow I meet via the phone conference with the social services for the grandkids. Not looking forward to it. The ex boyfriend is welcome to be in the meeting regarding his son, not sure what will happen concerning Sena. I feel it wouldn't be good to let him in on anything to do with her, guess I will see what happens.

I hope everybody stays cool today, and the weather stays mild.

June 27, 2012

Leah, good news about your mom. That's one hurdle over with! Good luck with your conference call. Let us know how it works out. Hope your weather stays warm and sunny...but not too hot.

Kate

June 27, 2012

For Linda, and anyone else who might be reading but not posting....

Grief is messy and hard. There is no easy way through it and it will not be ignored. You can go through it now or later, trust me, it will be waiting for you if you find a way to numb it.

If one-on-one counseling is simply not an option, please consider support groups such as http://www.griefshare.org/ or http://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx.

Personally I can vouch for Griefshare as I attended the 8 week workshop twice.

I would also like to recommend a book called "Any Given Day" by Jessie Lee Brown Foveaux. It is a 98 year old woman's memoir that she wrote for her family and ended up getting published. I have read this book many times and have drawn so much hope and inspiration from her words. She was born at the turn of the century and she writes about her childhood, her marriage to a man who was an alcoholic, bearing 8 children and her struggles to raise them, divorcing her husband at a time when it was unthinkable for a woman to do so, it is about LIFE and the hardships that we all face. Many times I have read this book and thought, if Jessie got through it, so will I.

Peace to all Indigos today

Jenn

Brianna's momma

June 27, 2012

Leah----Glad that your meeting with the social workers for your mom is over. I pray that

the conference coming up will not be too stressful.....maybe the ex-boyfriend won't even

show up. I can so understand your apprehension concerning meetings. I, too, just

hate them.......appointments of any kind. Somehow, I just get tense when they are

approaching......even Dr's appointments. I've always been that way. Anyhow,.....good

luck with all of these life stressors. Hope it doesn't get too hot in your area, but the

weather reports say it's hot all over !!

Dee-----Nice day today.....80's.......BUT......as you already know, there's a HEATWAVE

coming. We don't have air conditioning, but I can escape to our basement which stays

a nice 67 degrees. Want to get out all my art stuff and get it all assembled in one

spot in preparation to doing some sketching and painting. (Wish there wasn't so

much outdoor work to be done----including painting on the front porch, but I certainly

won't be out there in 95 degree heat -----it will be with us for a week, the weather

report says ) :angry: Keep cool.

Colleen-----sending thoughts & prayers as dear Brian's 21st birthday approaches. Yes,

I agree,.......it is so painful and sorrowful to have these very important dates come and

go without our dear, beloved sons and daughters. Peace to you, friend.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

June 28, 2012

Well we had four caterpillars and now we have four Painted Lady Butterflies. I tried to time everything so they would come out of their cocoons around July 4^th or so because I didn’t want to keep them in their little habitat for so long but they’ve all hatched already! Julia and William are having fun observing them and our cat, Archie, is certainly transfixed by them. I just feel bad for cooping them up in there for another week. I hope they live long enough to be released on Charlotte’s Angelversary.

Coming up to that milestone just plain sucks. I’m back to the heart palpitations and the anxiety – the feeling that I’ve lost my child in the Supermarket and can’t find her. I’m grumpy and snappy with Jon. I keep telling myself that it’s that darn Angelversary that’s got me in a bad funk and I’ll just hang on and get through this bad time.

I can’t remember her name, but I think it’s ANDY’S MOM who was going to leave. Also to ROBERT'S MOM - You’re at about the 7 month mark which is very hard – of course all days are hard – but I remember going through a really bad time around 7 or 8 months out. It’s when the shock wears off and you start to feel the brunt of it and it hurts so bad and you feel hopeless. Hang on, you will get through the really bad spell back to the “normal” bad times Sorry, that doesn’t sound very helpful but I hope you know what I mean. Just hang on…

On another disturbing note, I took Jules and Will to the park to watch a little magic show with my neighbor and her kids. I went to my van in the middle of the show to grab Julia’s sweater when some movement caught my eye… there was a little baby who couldn’t have been more than 15 months old, walking all by herself in the parking lot behind a row of cars. If anyone would have been backing up, they wouldn’t have seen her at all. I scooped her up and started walking toward the playground and finally her mom noticed me carrying her. The mom said something about, “Oh, she escaped,” and then offered a half-hearted “Thank you” as I walked back to the magic show. The really scary part is that I had seen the baby walking about 10 minutes prior to that in a different spot but I assumed she was walking with one of the people that happened to be walking by her at the time. I think she was wandering around for at least 10 minutes. I’m glad I was there to see her at the right moment. Now I keep thinking, so why was I there to see her at the right moment and nobody was there to see my Char go in the water?

June 28, 2012

Sherry: so glad you have the cool basement to go,to,for relief from the heat. Good that you are planning on painting and sketching some. The summer after we moved in, we had to have a/c installed because of hubby's COPD...he is miserable without the air when it's really hot.

Colleen...hope you have a really good time at the concert.

Leah: good luck with your next meeting; as Sherry said, maybe the ex-boyfriend won't show up.

Jenn...thanks for the book recommendation. I may look for it.

Linda...so very sorry that you are feeling the pain of the estrangement from your sons. Isn't Chris going to let you see his daughter again? I truly hope he hasn't changed his mind about that. I am truly sorry for all that you've been through and I hope that you are feeling Robert's spirit about you. I am so sorry about the mess with your husband's SSi. When my son was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, he went on disability with SSI! but when they found out he had disability insurance (that HE had paid for out of his own pocket) both payments were reduced so that the total did not equal more than what the SSI check was. They went from $2,000 per month income, down to $1,010 per month, and his copays for his medicines was almost $600 per month, so it was pretty tough. It's just amazing what they do sometimes, but they told him it was the law, even though he had paid his own disability insurance policy privately. I hope that you and your husband are able to have enoug for what you need.

Brenda...thinking of you for tomorrow; hoping you are helped as much as possible and you heal quickly.

Gretchen...jow are you? And Susan?

Kate and Dee...I was not able to go to the game after all. Our three seats sat empty while the Sox played a terrific game, coming back in the 7th inning to get tons of runs and win the game. Mike was pretty sick all day, and I just couldn't leave him. He had been throwing up and his plumbing was out of order again, and with it happening again so soon after his being in the hospital last week, he was pretty weak to begin with and was feeling really terrible and in quite a bit of pain. At one point, and it brings tears to my eyes and much pain to my heart to say this, but he asked me to sit on the side of the bed with him for a bit and he held my hand for a few minutes (I had been running back and forth with clean towels betwen the bedroom, bathroom, nd washer and dryer, trying to keep up) and he looked so weak, and then he said, almost in a whisper, "Do you think this is how it ends, honey, do you this is the beginning of that?" My heart broke, and I leaned over to hug him and said that I didn't know, but that I was there with him and would be always there with him. So, we didn't go to the game. Cathi was hesitant to go, and Davis felt the same way. So, we all stayed here. We wouldn't have enjoyed it anyway, with worrying about Mike, and he was just too sick to be left alone. He is feeling much better today, thankfully. They gave him some heavy duty stuff (they do have to be careful what they give him though, because of the kidney) and it finally, thankfully kicked in. We have a doctor's appointment on Friday, and they are going to set him up with a protocol to keep him "going," no pun intended...well, maybe just a little :-)

So, we will try to go to a game another time, maybe not buying the tickets but a day or two in advance so we will know how he is feeling.

I hope you all are able to sleep, and per chance to have a sweet dream/visit from your child, something to still feel in your heart upon awakening.

June 28, 2012

My dear friends....I have missed you all but it was quite the weekend around here and am finally able to breathe again...

Linda - I am truly sorry for the loss of your son and I do pray that you continue to come here - there are times in the 5 years since I have been here that I felt that some here were not being what I expected them to be, I felt I was not being helped in the ways I wanted to be and at times I even felt I was disliked but after much reading I came to realize that no one was doing any of that, they were just doing the best they knew how - I was the one who was reading things the way I wanted to read them as opposed to what was truly being said....I think it was the anger part of my grief but not sure....All I know is that if you leave here and I hope you don't, we will continue to keep you in our hearts, thoughts and prayers and my first prayer for you will be that you choose to stay....Hugs

Hubby and I are doing much better, not all the way there yet but slowly working our way back to each other....we have been married since I was 16 !! Yes, I was 16, married on October 7 and turned 17 on October 24 and no I did not Have to get married...lol I knew the moment I saw him I was gonna marry him, it just felt right and although we have been through many pot holes we have always found a way to make it work....I know how hard it is at times and when we lost Jessica I was not sure at times if we would make it and sometimes I didn't care whether we did or not as I was so wrapped in grief....but here we are 6 and a half years later and we are still together and will stay that way.

I am missing my Jessica as always....I have spent days smiling with the memories I treasure and days crying because I want so much more, I want, I want but it will not be....I have a hole in my heart that cannot be filled as Jessica lives there......I miss my girl

Well the other Grandmother finally did it.....she finally crossed the line in such a big way that I got our lawyer involved so it will be a very, very long time before she can spend any time with him and only if he wants to.... Last Thursday she asked to have him for the weekend, the pool was open, it was hot and the girls were home from college....so he went and was actually kinda happy about it.....well, the truth was she took him to the city on Friday, spent the nite at a friends house, on Saturday they traveled by train and bus for many hours to go see Tavian's "disneyland dad" in jail !!! They visited for 4 hours and then spent many hours by bus and train to get home....On Sunday I called to see what time Tavian was coming home as I wanted to take him to the ocean, she said she would bring him around one o'clock....by 2:30 he was still not home so I called again, no answer, then a text from one of the girls, Daria, who said "they will be home to late tonite to bring him home so we will take him to camp in the morning" I called Daria and questioned her on WHY they would be home late and that was when I found out what had been going on....I totally fell apart, sobbing in hubby's arms, my heart breaking for Tavian to have been put through all of that....When I picked him up from camp on Monday we just held each other and when we are both ok we sat down and talked about all that had happened.....he said he slept on the bus and the train and it was a very long ride and he never wanted to go again and then he cried and made me promise he would never have to go again......Well, lets just say that I exploded, called our lawyer and took care of her once and for all, if she tries to do anything with Tavian that we do not approve of she will be arrested, she had no authority to take Tavian to see his dad, especially so far away and at a jail.....As far as we are concerned she will not see him at all and if she wants to take us to court over it then bring it on....How could someone who is supposed to be a grandmother put a 10 year old through all of that...what was she thinking ?? Ok I am done and thanks for letting me vent....I know all you virtual grandma's worry about Tavian since you have watched him grow from a 5 year old....he is safe now and I will keep him that way

It is getting late and I have a busy week at work as we are leaving on Sunday to go camping at our favorite beach for a week...cannot wait to get away from home, no tv, no phone (just cell for emergency) just sun, sand, campfires, smores and lots of fishing and beach walking.....

Take care my friends and will talk soon. Love, Peace and Strength, Kathy, Jessica's Mom Forever

June 28, 2012

Kathy ~ My god doesn't that woman have any sense :blink: I get that he's her son, I get that Tavian is probably the one 'good thing' in his life...but she needs to know that is down to you, Barry and Jess.

She has used her 9 lives.....Does Tavian ever ask after her?? I send strength to you as you face yet another hurdle and hope that you and Barry find your way back to stand united against this 'rogue' grandma'.

Carol ~ My heart broke as I read your words and imagined Mike sitting in his chair holding your hand looking into your eyes for answers to questions to hard to hear. Being there would mean so much to him....gotta hope that the plumbing and all things in between sort themselves out.

Linda ~ Another Indigo taking timeout from the site that should be a safe haven for the grieving. I know we all come from various backgrounds, beliefs, but we are all united in the idea that no one is alone on this journey. Leah is someone I remember from my earlier days here....not a malicious bone in her body...maybe a different spin on a subject dear to your heart offend, but I doubt it was intended to wound.

Its been hard here of late. The man I married is slowly sinking into the deepest of depressions and will be admitted Monday to a PTSD unit for intensive therapies. When he's not depressed his anxiety sees him angry and aggitated.

For those who don't know we have lived seperately over the past years for a number of reasons....when I needed him most he was absent, now it would seem he needs someone.

He spoke of Micheal for the first time a couple of night ago. Not of Micheal the 'job' he did Jan 18th 2007, but Mike, the young man who came to our house in the weeks before he died and stayed. He spoke of how he wished he'd been able to reach Mike, to have him stay with us longer. There were tears, there are now as I type.

My youngest son's relationship has finally ended. It is a bitter split with threats of 'never seeing the kids' being thrown around.

To distract I have been painting the bathrooms.....Muttley wandered through brushing along the freshly painted wall.....ahhhh good thing I love him... <_<

Well Indigo's the sun has left the sky and the night air is chilling me to the bone so I will bid you all a good night.

Be kind to each other....and yourselves......

June 28, 2012

Carol, Trudi and everyone on this site that are attempting to get through whatever daily struggles are sent your way...my heart reaches out to each and every one of you. I feel so badly to see that you are having to shoulder such heartache and worry on top of the loss of your child. I know that life is not fair. I also know that I am darned if I can understand why these trials are sent our way. But I have come to see in all of you a quiet strength and determination not to let this break your resolve. It shows how strong you all are. I admire each of you for many different reasons. You are all as unique as each individual you come across as on this site. I can only offer my support and prayers. Please know thay you are not alone.

Well, I woke up this morning later then I usually do. I was up half the night. The temps dropped to a lovely 15C. and the breeze blowing in our windows was fresh and cool. I actually had to get up to close the windows.

Colleen , I hope you had a great time at the concert last night. I know that your special date is very close. It will be Jeff's birthday on July, 16th. Carol, I actually did have a vivid dream of him on Monday night. He stood in our room and I walked over to him to give him a huge and I mean HUGE hug. I told him again how much I was missing him and did he know that he was dead. He told me that he did and that he loved me. It was so real and vivid that I hardly slept for the rest of the night. It felt wonderful to hold him again. I am grateful for these periodic dreams. It helps to give me a great deal of comfort.

Again, I am thinking of all of you. I hope that each one of you will find a degree of peace in your life today. And also will be able to take a little time and set it aside to do something that feels good for yourself. You deserve it!

Kate

June 28, 2012

To all the people that I feel I might of miss understood or took what they were saying wrong, I feel badly. Also I am very sorry for hurting and making anyone cry or upset. I do not like that this has happen. The reason I feel like leaving is that I got upset that anyone would want to tell me that the only option that my husband and I have is to get a divorce. I heard it also from some distant family members too. And it hurt that I was told here and the distant family members that it was only a piece of paper and that is when it just got me, for I do not see it as just a piece of paper. I see it as so much more. But anyway I also feel that now if I stay and open up that all of the people on this sight will be afraid to say anything to me for how I take things. I know I take things differently then alot of other people. That is where Robert and I were so much alike. It is the family that controled both of us for so long and my adopted family that controlled me too. Unless you lived in our shoes, so to speak, there is no way you could understand what we went through. It was worse than a cult. I barely got out and it took all of social and protective services of Fairfax County of VA. I could not get out on my own. And Robert got out the only way he could see for him. But anyway, I thank all that did respond to me, but I do not want anyone to not respond to anything that I would open up to all of you for fear that I might take it in a different way then was intended. And that would mean that all of you would feel that they would have to walk on egg shells. That is not the way I could or would be able to opporate with others (for that is how I have to be with my boys) and I dont want any one here to feel that they have to do that. And that is the reason that I feel it is time for me to move on. Just thank you for all that have reached out to me. I hope everyone as much wellness and happiness that they can have for the rest of their lives after loosing their child. It does not matter how a child should die, or their age, for the pain is just as great. So remember to take care of each one of yourselves each day and remember that it was not any of your faults for we are all human and we do the best that we can and our child knew how much each of you loved their child. So all of you take care.

June 28, 2012

Kate, love the dream, I think of those as visits really, especially if they stay with you all day making you feel lighter, calmer.

Char's Mom, how lovely that you have the caterpillars, and I know you hate to hang onto them for that long, they should live 14 days after hatching, so give them plenty of flowers or put a plant inside their enclosure in which to feed, and a tiny bowl of water. They like flat rocks to sit upon as well. The story about the child that you found, you were his angel, and while our kids did not have someone save them...Char must be so glad that you were there for this child.

Trudi, I am sorry about the relationship break-up with Steven and his partner...when will there be a resolution to custody rights for him? I am praying that things move in the way that provides the best for the children which of course will give Steven equal custody rights. As you work on your home as things change all around you, I am holding you so close, knowing that these are the days that bend us like trees in a storm, but you will stand tall (well as tall as your height allows) because you know your life is more than the hardships and tragedy, it is the light at the center of the family, the glue and the joy, the tenacity and strength of character, it is who I have loved as a sister for many years now. Your voice can be heard over the howling winds of change, and we are lucky to hear you.

Carol, I too cried when I read your account of Mike's needing you near and asking you that heart-piercing question: Will it be like this at the end? I could not respond last evening as I was too overwhelmed by what you must be feeling. I prayed and sent you my love via the spiritual air-waves, hoping that you found some rest last night and that Mike woke today with sunlight in his spirit.

Kathy, glad that you went to a lawyer, that woman has been playing games with Tavian as her pawn for way too long, I hope that he never has to be near her again, unless he wants to be. Maybe when he is older he will want to go see her on his terms, not hers. I am glad that you and Barry are seeing your way to a new level of comfort. Great news and not easy to do so be proud of the work involved.

Colleen, hope the concert was more fun than you even expected. Hang on as you go forward dear.

WEll, outside early to write in my journal and soak up the pretty garden, but too hot now, going up to what they think will be triple digits.

June 28, 2012

Colleen-Thinking of you as you try to make it through another of Brian's birthdays without him. I never dreamed either that Westley wouldn't ever get there. Hugs

Trudi-I'm so sorry that Mal's condition has not improved and hope that treatment helps.

Kathy-I have to agree that other grandmother is certifiable. I'm so sorry that she put Tavian through that and glad that you have taken steps to be sure it never happens again. Enjoy your time off and take pictures of the fisherman boy if you get a chance.

Carol-So sorry that Mike is feeling down and hope that his health starts to get better soon.

Sherry-Our temps are forecast to the in triple digits for the next few days, I can't imagine not having a/c in TN. Everything is burned up like August around here, and there is no rain in the forecast. Stay cool if you can.

Char's Mom-I'm so glad you were there for the little person who "escaped". So sorry that it brings back the Why? of Char's death, but I suppose that never really leaves us, does it? We just work around it as much as we can. Will be thinking of you as the anniversary is almost here.

Kate-I'm not sleeping well either. I had a dream and I don't remember much about it, but that at the end, I was looking for Westley and I couldn't find him. I didn't know in my dream that he was dead, and I kept opening doors and he wasn't there. It was horrible and I woke up almost crying.

Leah-So glad that the thing with social worker went well. I get nervous about things like that, even if I think all is okay. Hugs

Thinking of you all that have July birthday and angelversarys coming up.

June 28, 2012

Rhonda, stay safe in this heat please. I had some bad dreams too last night, and some others a few nights ago, though cannot remember them but leave me with a hangover type feeling, a dull hurt and a sense of worry behind everything. I tend to do this more at this time of year as we approach the dates that took Eri from us, don't imagine that that will ever subside. I am currently listening to a cd that Eri's friend made soon after she died, a combo of favorite songs...Marley singing the words that were on her prayer card...Don't worry bout a thing, every little thing, gonna be alright. And now Everybody Hurts---Sometimes by R.E.M. and I weep along with the music knowing that ERi gets it, she knows how hard this time of year can be on an old mom who misses her Girl.

I have been attending a Tai Chi class a few times in the last few weeks, it is a good way to find some peaceful ways to boost my health and to find some calm inside. Perhaps I should try some now.

Linda, all I can offer is my hope for you to find your way through this maze that grief sets forth. Good luck, let us know how you are.

June 28, 2012

just a pretty song to wallow in...

June 28, 2012

I hate waiting.. I am a nervous wreck :-)

Jenn, your right, grief is hard and it is a mess to pick up, but I agree, we can get through it.

Sherry, the heat is manageable here. I should be doing some painting outside too, but I manage to find other things to put it off. I think painting is my most dislike chore.

Colleen, thinking of you

Carol, I wish I could help to ease yours and Mike's pains. all I can do is pray and let you know I hold you both in my heart.

Kathy, I feel so bad for Tavian, I hope your camping trip gives you all the peace you can achieve and may you feel Jessica close by

Trudi, I think of you often, I hope you and your husband find the strength you need, I know you have been through so much I just hope that somehow he comes out of the depression he has fallen into.

Linda, we all have different ways of thinking, that is what makes us a world. Nobody agrees all the time, nobody comes up with the same solutions.. we are a different world. I know the people of this site don't judge us, WE are allowed to say our feelings, that is how we heel, and when feelings get hurt we just get over it because we have the one thing in common, we lost an important person in our life that was a part of us and we are here because of our angels.

Dee, thank you for all you say to everybody, I always get something out of it, your words are so very calming, I hope you come up with some of that calm from Tai chi..(not sure what it is).

Rhonda, thanks I hope you get a relaxing sleep, dreams haunt us sometimes. I think I am lucky, even when it is a bad dream, i don't really remember them. I just know I dreamt it. Take care.

Ok.. gotta go wait for my phone to ring.. I will write later and tell you all how it went, take care my friends

June 28, 2012

MOre music for my grieving soul today,,,

June 28, 2012

Leah-----I, too, dislike painting walls, woodwork, etc. I hope to get to the painting that

I've always loved.......art painting. I have taken some time today to assemble all my

art 'stuff' (paints, brushes, panels, etc. etc. ). It has been scattered all over the house

in boxes here & there and on shelves. It's so hot here today, but a comfortable 67 degrees

in the basement. So, here is where I will be. !!

Kathy-----So sorry about the distressing incident involving the grandma taking Tav so

far, and to the jail. Your worry, distress, and anger at her is so understandable. Glad to

hear that things are going better for you and your husband now. I hope that you can

get some real relaxing and peaceful time in at the beach camping. Take care.

Carol------I, too, had a big 'frog' in my throat while reading your post, and of what Ralph

said to you. (Gosh----here comes the 'frog' again)......But, I am glad that he is doing better

today. Sending fervent prayers that his health will improve. The love you have for each

other is so apparent in your posts, and that your love will help strengthen Ralph and lift his

spirits. Peace & comfort, my friend.

Kate-----Thinking of you as Jeff's birthday approaches on July 16. I know how that old

'dark veil' can descend upon us when those days come around. So very glad to hear

that you had such a heartwarming dream and hugs from your beloved son. Thoughts & prayers.

Trudi------So sorry to hear that Mal is having such debilitating depression. I hope that with help, he

will be able to find his way out of his depression. Also, I'm sorry that Steven's relationship

has ended. Does this mean that you won't be able to see the children? I pray that something

can be worked out so that the children will be able to part of your family's life. So very

heartbreaking when someone is using the kids to make a point, or to 'get even'. Peace & prayers , friend.

Charsmom----What a lovely story you have told us here, about the butterflies hatching (is that the term

used for their coming out of the cocoons ?) They will be so lovely for sweet little Char's angel day.

Thank goodness that you were there at the parking lot to rescue the little baby walking around on

her own.

Dee-----Thanks for the Fleetwood Mac song. (They're one of my favorite groups.......saw them in

concert in the 80's ).......also thanks for the beautiful pic of the flower. What kind is it? I have some

lovely hollyhocks that just came up on their own, from plantings in the past. Your Tai Chi class will

no doubt be helpful & relaxing. I, like Leah, am not too sure what it is..........is it something like Yoga?

Rhonda-----Yep.....it's scalding hot here too.......mid 90's. Thank heavens we have the family room

in the basement where it's a nice 67 degrees, along with my computer, t.v., etc. You mentioned

that farmers are irrigating crops there. Some in our area are irrigating too. One farmer on T.V.

said that in his cornfield, that the soil is dry as a bone down 10 inches, and that we need a lot of rain to

even help some. I hope you are able to keep comfortable. Yikes......what a heatwave all over

the U.S., and such terrible wildfires in Colorado, then flooding in Fla. Scary. Peace to you, my friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

June 28, 2012

MOre music for my grieving soul today,,,

Spent the day trying to prepare for the long weekend. I bought a couple of hanging pots that are red and white petunias. I have placed two small Canadian flags in each and have hanging over the front porch. Just trying to put the finishing touches to ready everything as far as quick meal preparation is concerned. An easy dessert lined up. Red and white. Strawberry shortcake is an easy one to prepare at the last minute.

Thanks Dee, for the Stevie Nicks music. I listened to an interview on CBC radio this time last year with her. What an amazing lady. Now she is somebody that has overcome adversity in dealing with her addictions a few years back. She sounded so calm and at peace with herself. Yet she worked really hard to do it. It was a really good interview. I love her unusual voice. I know this is a hard time for you being reminded of your sweet Eri. Memories can be so very bittersweet.

We are enjoying a very strong breeze today. Keeping everything pleasantly cooled off. That sun is hot however and I fear that if it dies down it will get quite toasty.

Leah...for heaven's sake....painting in the sun? Start early in the morning when it is cooler. Yes, waiting can be very difficult.

Kathy...enjoy your weekend of camping. Hope that time away from phones, etc. gives you a much needed opportunity to relax.

Sherry....sounds like you have the perfect spot to relax and cool off. Good luck with your painting!

Carol....thinking of your precious Ralph and all of the family today. Hugs to all of you.

Linda...hope you will soon find yourself feeling a little bit better. Don't despair. It will get better with time. It is just that it will be different. Your Robert is at peace and he most certainly would want that for his mom that he knew loved him so much.

Gretchen...how are you coping these days?

Jenn...is there a celebration for the engagement? How is she feeling?

Trudi...what colours did you paint the bathrooms? Something cheery? How old is Sir Mutley? Our Annie is slowly failing. Had a long talk with our Vet the other day. We are hoping that we can keep her comfortable for the summer. After that...well, who knows. She is such a little trooper. Black labs are such a family and people friendly dog. She has never given us a spot of trouble. Even adjusting to her blindness she handled with such stoicism. And so we are making every effort to allow her the best treatment at the end of her life. She's earned it.

Yes, I have been blessed to have had a few dreams about Jeff that have been very comforting. However I sure would love to replace the dream with reality. That sure is not going to happen. Anyway, try to stay cool everyone and take care.

Kate

June 28, 2012

Yes, I think "hatch" is more like something you do when you're in an egg. I like "emerge" better. The below is what I heard at our Compassionate Friends meeting and where I got the idea about the butterflies for Char's Angelversary. Enjoy...

Since early times, the butterfly has symbolized renewed life, and the resurrection and life after death. The caterpillar signifies life here on earth, the cocoon, death; and the butterfly the emergence of the dead into a new ,beautiful and freer existence. Frequently the butterfly is seen with the word, "Nika", which means victory.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross movingly tells of seeing butterflies drawn all over the walls of the children's dormitories in World War II concentration camps. Since Elisabeth believes in innate intuitiveness of children, she concludes that these children knew their fate and were leaving us a message.

The Compassionate Friends has adopted the butterfly as one of its symbols - a sign of Hope to us that our children are living in another dimension with greater beauty and freedom - a comforting thought to many.<BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"><BR style="mso-special-character: line-break">

June 28, 2012

Angela and All, I have a book, one of my prized possessions called, I Never Saw Another Butterfly, poems that were written and hidden in the floorboards at Terezin, a holding camp before kids were shipped out to other camps. These are the most powerful poems written with that unique intuition of children, the clear and unbiased manner in which they tell their stories. Yes, butterflies and dragonflies are considered Heaven's messengers.

I received a card upon Eri's death that said, Just when I thought it was over...(and when you open it a beautiful butterfly) and it says, her life began anew.

Leah, you rock Kiddo, so many meetings in one week adn there you are holding down the fort. May you have a peaceful weekend. Tai Chi in the form I am attending is Qi Gong, and it is a way to heal thyself through the movements that are repetitious and engage many organs and muscles. Not at all strenuous, and in fact some folks in the class are quite elderly. One many sits through the exercises and does them from a chair, he comes because he feels it helps him to loosen up and to learn to calm himself. SO it is a martial art but the form I am doing is a healing art.

Kate and Sherry, so glad that you enjoyed the music, Fleetwood came out with an album right after Sherry and I lost our Children adn the last two songs are Goodbye Baby, and Baby Goodbye. Both of which sound like a parent who has lost a child.

HEy, we finally had rain, ten minutes of beautiful water from the sky. It is hotter than a $2.00 pistol right now, but we actually got rain. The robins were hanging out cleaning their feathers under the magnolia as it dripped on them.

June 29, 2012

Hello dear friends....yes the other grandmother is pretty well history as far as I am concerned and Tavian does not want to see her...he said he never wants to go there again and I am more than happy to accommodate him....He is old enough at 10 to make his choice and after what she has done in the past I see no reason to ever let her see him...

Trudi - sorry to hear of the "split"....so difficult to deal with especially when there are children in the picture, I hope they can settle everything in the best interest of the children

Dee- Love Fleetwood Mac, always have....I know how hard the upcoming dates are....Jessica's birthday July 21...my summergirl

Carol - prayers and hugs always for you and Ralph

Sherry - thank you my friend - I am so looking forward to a week of camping on the beach...much needed time away from work, phones and disturbed people !! I will take many pictures of our fisherboy...He will be excited as hubby and I bought him a new water toy...actually it is a HUGE float, has 4 seats in it, a ladder and you can jump in the middle of it like a little trampoline...we tried to get one last year but the store was sold out....A family that was camping last year had one and let Tavian play on it and he loved it so it will be a nice surprise for him...he is also bringing his friend Damien to stay with us for a few days so the two of them will be happy.....I figure maybe me and my 3 girlfriends who are also camping can have a bit of time on it, it has cup holders so we can sit back, float around and enjoy the sun and a cocktail...lol I will be sure that hubby gets a pic of that for you...hee hee

Colleen - my thoughts are with you as you face Brian's birthday....How could we have ever known ?? Hugs

Linda - I am sorry to see you leave us although I also "left" for a time. I have had my feelings hurt here also but never intentionally as no one here would ever hurt another intentionally....we all have one thing in common WE HAVE LOST A CHILD and that is what bonds us together and how we become the friends that we are....If we say something that hurts another we simply talk it out and it is done and over with......I understand your belief in the marriage license and that it is not just a piece of paper, however, to some it is...that is what makes us unique, each with our own beliefs, ideas, desires, etc...we even grieve differently, some at a much faster pace then others, some with a wisdom that awes me, some who can write poems that make me cry, some who have that sense of humor and the list goes on and on.....You would never have to consider walking on eggshells around me as I say it like it is - I was taught that here - we are allowed to be who we are - don't change yourself or your views to make another happy...We are all just trying to survive the worst loss ever.....Hugs and God Bless you and please remember that we are always here no matter what

Need to get Tavian to bed....camp keeps him very busy and he is a tired boy...... Much love, Kathy, Jessica's mom forever

June 29, 2012

Hello all!! As you can all see I am new here. We have just passed the 2 month mark of where our youngest of 3 beautiful daughters grew her wings and flew home. It has been an emotional roller coaster as you all know very well. I know I don't have to explain myself at all here. I have read many pages on this site and even though my baby girl wasn't an adult she was only 14 I didn't feel that the young child one was where I should be either. I am caught somewhere in the middle. :huh: I am also still stuck somewhere in that great fog where I hear is where I will keep residence for quite some time. I have a wonderful supportive family, friends, and community but as you have all said they just don't get it. There are a few that have been in our shoes and I have contacted them however I find it hard to talk to them sometimes because I hate to see them hurting and reliving their own nightmare trying to help me through mine. Maybe I am just losing it all together I don't know. I suppose I should catch you up on what has led me here. On April 19th of this year my world changed forever. Our youngest daughter Raivyn was out with some of the youth from church riding ATVs before a church event. She was a passenger on an ATV when the tire came off the rim and ejected her and the driver. Our Rai was life flighted to our nearest trauma center where she had suffered a devastating brain injury. On April 21st the doctors told us that they had done all they could do medically but that her initial injury was too great and that she would never awake from her coma, the swelling on her brain was too massive and that our Rai as we knew her would never return to us and she would live in a vegatative state requiring life support until nature would take it's course. Our Rai was a beautiful spirited child that was always smiling, full of life, energy, never met a stranger, and was always there to help anyone in any way. She was competetive stood up for what she believed in, and was the light of our lives. Our "Rai" of sunshine. She wanted to be a peditrician when she grew up and was a straight A student. So in keeping with all that was Raivyn we made the decision to let our sunshine give her last gift to this world...the gift of life. On April 22, our Rai was prounounced brain dead and on April 23 at 4am she went to the OR to give hope and life to many others. I am grateful that we were given the chance to honor her in this way. I have peace because of it. It may sound strange but I do. I miss her something fiercely though. I am struggling daily with the fact that I won't get to see that smile or hear that sweet voice again or give her a hug. I hold on strong for my amazing husband that took on the girls and I 11 years ago with 100% dedication. You see he has no biological children and to him he has 3 daughters. This has been so hard on us. Our oldest is 19 and our middle daughter is 17. We are still sorting through so many of the initial emotions. But for the husband and the girls I keep my head held high and stay strong. But boy is it hard. The young man that was driving the ATV has became a huge part of our family too. My heart breaks for him so much as well. This was one of those true accidents that you just can't find an explaination for no matter how many questions you ask. The other injuries they both sustained were extremely minor. Thank you for letting me vent. Sorry it was so long....

Tracie

Missing my "Rai" of sunshine

June 29, 2012

Hello all!! As you can all see I am new here. We have just passed the 2 month mark of where our youngest of 3 beautiful daughters grew her wings and flew home. It has been an emotional roller coaster as you all know very well. I know I don't have to explain myself at all here. I have read many pages on this site and even though my baby girl wasn't an adult she was only 14 I didn't feel that the young child one was where I should be either. I am caught somewhere in the middle. I am also still stuck somewhere in that great fog where I hear is where I will keep residence for quite some time. I have a wonderful supportive family, friends, and community but as you have all said they just don't get it. There are a few that have been in our shoes and I have contacted them however I find it hard to talk to them sometimes because I hate to see them hurting and reliving their own nightmare trying to help me through mine. Maybe I am just losing it all together I don't know. I suppose I should catch you up on what has led me here. On April 19th of this year my world changed forever. Our youngest daughter Raivyn was out with some of the youth from church riding ATVs before a church event. She was a passenger on an ATV when the tire came off the rim and ejected her and the driver. Our Rai was life flighted to our nearest trauma center where she had suffered a devastating brain injury. On April 21st the doctors told us that they had done all they could do medically but that her initial injury was too great and that she would never awake from her coma, the swelling on her brain was too massive and that our Rai as we knew her would never return to us and she would live in a vegatative state requiring life support until nature would take it's course. Our Rai was a beautiful spirited child that was always smiling, full of life, energy, never met a stranger, and was always there to help anyone in any way. She was competetive stood up for what she believed in, and was the light of our lives. Our "Rai" of sunshine. She wanted to be a peditrician when she grew up and was a straight A student. So in keeping with all that was Raivyn we made the decision to let our sunshine give her last gift to this world...the gift of life. On April 22, our Rai was prounounced brain dead and on April 23 at 4am she went to the OR to give hope and life to many others. I am grateful that we were given the chance to honor her in this way. I have peace because of it. It may sound strange but I do. I miss her something fiercely though. I am struggling daily with the fact that I won't get to see that smile or hear that sweet voice again or give her a hug. I hold on strong for my amazing husband that took on the girls and I 11 years ago with 100% dedication. You see he has no biological children and to him he has 3 daughters. This has been so hard on us. Our oldest is 19 and our middle daughter is 17. We are still sorting through so many of the initial emotions. But for the husband and the girls I keep my head held high and stay strong. But boy is it hard. The young man that was driving the ATV has became a huge part of our family too. My heart breaks for him so much as well. This was one of those true accidents that you just can't find an explaination for no matter how many questions you ask. The other injuries they both sustained were extremely minor. Thank you for letting me vent. Sorry it was so long....
Tracie
Missing my "Rai" of sunshine

Traci, I first wanted to welcome you and tell you how sorry I am to read about your beautiful daughter, I lost my son Brian in March (St. Patrick's Day) to to a motorcycle accident, he was 32 and a father to 6 ,he was my first born and we were very close, today was a hard day. His friend Shane who was with him when he passed and it has been very hard for him and like you has become a special person in our life, he reminds me so much of Brian. I recently went to the accident scene because my sisters wanted to see the cross his friends had put up for him but I wasn't prepared to see the marks that the police had put where he died ,I felt like I was thrown right back to that horrible day I was told he was gone. Just take it one day at a time, some days I just cant even write anything on here and some days I can hardly read it, but I still come back because this is where everyone understands our pain. I am sorry you have to be here but hope you come back and tell us about your daughter. Take Care Brenda

June 29, 2012

Brenda, look at you, welcoming another and in the face of so much ache and pain yourself, you are there, just steps ahead of Traci on the timeline...it is in that reaching out that we sometimes find some strength.

Traci, as Brenda said, we wish you did not have to find a place such as this, though this is a good place to be when one is grieving a child. Don't worry about the age of your lovely Daughter, we have had parents of very young too as we are a very active thread and people feel comfy with us. Do tell us more when you are able, let us know more about your lives. The fog you speak of is a bit of protective gauze, as it wears away, you may feel an increase in intensity, you may not...either way, being here and letting folks know how you are and what you are feeling is quite helpful in finding your way through this maze. I love the way you spell your Daughter's name, Raivyn. So pretty. How are your other Daughters doing? Did any school counselors help them initially? I understand your peace with Raivyn's ability to give life to those waiting on lists, she was able to help many and I am sure that she is proud of you for helping her fulfill this. I have been here a long long time, though have taken breaks here and there, but find that it is here that I feel at home and also a sense of purpose. Erica died nearly 9 years ago at the age of 19.

June 29, 2012

Goodbye baby

I hope your heart's not broken

Don't forget me

Yes I was outspoken

You were with me all the time

I'll be with you one day

Traci ~ I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter, 2 months its so early in this journey. I'm glad you have found your way here. I love your daughters name. If you are able please tell us more of her, her siblings. Our children are so much of our lives.

Dee ~ "Music for my grieving soul" I saw Stevie Nicks here, 2006, before Mike died....hypnotised by her haunting voice...lost in the lyrics of her song.

Losing a child seems to make lifes challenges just that little harder. As I sit here tonight I feel as though I am being taken back 17yrs.....A husband about to enter a treatment facility...this time for PTSD, back then it was aqueduct stenosis. Both times I lost the man I knew.

I listen to this often, another Stevie Nicks lyric that tugs at my heart....

And the rain comes down

There's no pain and there's no doubt

It was easy to say

I believed in you everyday

If not for me

Then do it for the world

Posted this on FB.....Irony ~ A child stays silent for fear of 'disappointing' a parent, A parent on finding the truth fears they failed their child...

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