Loss of an Adult Child

[Jeff's Mom]

Sherry, how are things your way? My SIL sent a message a couple of days ago saying that they lost all power and had checked into a hotel. I read on our weather network how hot it is in your area. Sure hope you get a decent gentle rain soon for your crops.

Brenda and Colleen, thanks. Yes, the site is a very typical Canadian woods setting. Not in the least manicured. Jeff was a real outdoors buff. He loved nature and we know this definitely is where he chose to be. My mom on the other hand had she been alive would have had a fit. Oh well, we went with his decision.

Has anybody heard from Carol today? Saw her earlier post. Sure hope Ralph is going to be okay.

Becky, take care of yourself. How are your eggs doing by the garden? Did the animals make off with all of them?

Betsy...yes, getting rid of the sterio system was a chance to begin the long hard process. Many never do. Just do it at your own pace.

Take care everyone.

Kate

[mikesmum]

Indigos ~ Hope Carol doesn't mind my popping in with news on Mike. My phone rang early this morning and it was Carol. She assured me that Mike was okay....but ~ He had been back to surgery for what seemed to be a possible (?) ischemic bowel. Originally they had told them both that this was serious, that surgery although an option it was extremely risky given Mikes recent surgery and medical history.

Long story short, they went in, no ischemic bowel Surgery was shorter than expected and the outcome good.

I know the strength of this lady, I have seen it first hand....I also know the depth of Carol & Mike's love and faith. Please keep them both in your prayers....

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Trudi, I was so worried about him. Thank heaven, our prayers are being answered at this time.

I hope you are managing yourself. I think of you often and the difficulties you are facing. Take care.

Kate

[Guest]

..

[mikesmomrs]

Yes, thank you so much Trudi, for posting this. Time has been elusive this past 24 hours, my friends. And, yes Mike is okay, thank God. The surgery was extremely scary, but when they did all the tests and finally did the CT scan with oral contrast, they saw a mass on his intestines that they said was ischemic (dead tissue/bowel) and needed to come out NOW or he had up to a week to live.....this was told to us at 2 am on Monday morning, after they had spent the previous 24 hours trying to figure out what the problem was. We told the doc we wanted to confer with his surgeon that did the pancreatic surgery at Dartmouth Hospital (two hours from here) and she said "you don't have time for that." Then she explained in great detail what the risks of the surgery were, especially considering his greatly weakened state with the pancreatic cancer and all else that was going on, She said that because his last surgery was such a short time ago, that it could take up to three hours just to get to the site of the ischemia, and that with his blood pressure dropping so much, it would make it even riskier to be in there for such a long time, before they even got started on the resection. It was not possible to predict the total length of the surgery, she said, but that it would be "quite lengthy." She said his recovery would likely be long and with many opportunities for serious, possibly life-threatening complications. And she said that since the "average life span of pancreatic patients is 6 months from diagnosis, " he had to consider that he would spend that time recovering from this surgery, with much rehab therapy, possibly a colostomy bag, and also possibly having to go on dialysis because of his one barely working kidney. She also emphasized that due to his current condition, he may not make it through the surgery. I got to tell you, everyone, we were COMPLETELY blown away. So, he asked the doc "If I dont have this surgery, I WILL be dead in less than a week She said "yes." Then he said, "and if I have the surgery, I MIGHT die during or following it, and also might die from complications that might occur, and Iwill have a very difficult recovery time, but I MIGHT get through it." She said "yes." He looked at her and said "I choose life. Do the surgery. I'm not ready to die in a week." ( he and I had had a few minutes to discuss this, and I told him he had to make the decision for HIMSELFwithout worry for me entering into it. Iwanted him to decide which it was that HE wanted.)

So, within an hour, that was spent calling family to talk to them for possibly the last time, (this at three am, while they are getting him ready), telling each of us how much he loved us and was glad that he got to spend his life with us, and he knew that he might not see them again, but that he had to try, that there were no odds offered in the first option, so he had to take the second one. He told me how much these last 48 years meant to him, spending them with me, and how much he had wanted to make it to 50. He reminded me of how we both (truly) heard bells the very first time we kissed, which was also the very first time we met, and just six weeks before we got married. I held his hand, and we cried for those memories and the joy they held for us.

And then we all stood there, (Cathi had come, along with her oldest, Davis) watching them wheel him down that hallway, two IV pole structures being wheeled beside him with a total of 5 lines going from them to him, and when he was out of sight, we all gathered together and with our arms around each other, we stood there and cried.

We all then went to the waiting room, and sat there, the disbelief still wrapped around us over how quickly this had all happened. We had only been told of this just two hours before. We sat there and heard him say goodbye to those loved ones we could reach. And now, we sat there, waiting and praying that we would get to say hello again. Exhausted beyond belief, having been up for almost 48 hours straight, I fell into a deep, deep sleep. I woke up, hearing my name being called. It was his doctor, and thinking to myself that I must have been asleep for hours, I asked her what time it was. She smiled, a huge, wide smile that seemed to encompass her whole being, and said "It's a little after 5 am, and the surgery couldn't have gone better! It was the best of the best of the best scenario we could ever have hoped for," and told us he was in recovery and we would be able to see him in an hour or so. I truly, truly thought I was dreaming, and thought that she was a little angel fairy standing in front of me. Honestly, she looked as though her feet weren't even touching the floor. Weird thoughts, I know, but I was drunk with no sleep and could not believe that what I was hearing and seeing was real. The last timeI had seen her, she was standing by hubby's hospital bed, in street clothes, hair hardly combed, having been called in in the middle of the night for an emergency consult with us, telling us that Mike had a week to live, or he could choose to undergo a seriously risky surgery from which he might not recover, and if he did, it might involve a long, difficult healing process. And here she was now, standing in front of me, dressed in her OR scrubs, her hair all tucked up inside her OR "bonnet" that was covered in little red lady bugs, telling me that not only had he survived the surgery, but that he was doing well, and, that the surgery had only taken less than two hours, start to finish! She said she didn't have to do the resection, that what was there was a hernia, and over time, some of the intestine had been pushed up inside of the hernia, trapped, and, as she removed it from the hernia, she said that right there, in her hands, it spread out, on its own and turned a beautiful healthy color and settled back into place, in line with the rest of the intestines. She was then able to repair the hernia, and after checking for other stuff that I can't remember, was able to close and be done, with a much brighter outlook than had the intestine actually been dead when she pulled it from the hernia. There was NO dead tissue anywhere. She said that he does still have the potential for complications to develop because of his poor physical state, but they should be much easier to manage than previously thought. It is now 15 1/2 hours out from surgery, no breathing tube, blood pressures for the most part near normal (for him, which is lower than most), no emergency Iv blood pressure medications; and he is sleeping off and on, pain under control with meds. How truly, truly blessed we feel!

I know this has been a lengthy post, and I 've not even taken time to "speak" to each of you...except that I must tell BRENDA that I am so, so glad your surgery went well and that I hope your arm and hand are in good working order really soon. Will you have to do physical therapy?

And, of course, I must take time to thank you all so very, very much for all of your prayers and good wishes. I felt as though I had this huge, wonderful family standing beside us, Cheering us on, sending their love and support and prayers, and, we did...all of YOU! And we thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

[mikesmomrs]

Lora: you must have posted while I was writing. I just want to say that I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter. You have come to a place of love and comfort, a place where we all understand your pain, and a place where there are many to help you through this pain. Please, when you feel ready, come tell us about your precious one. Whatmis her name?

We love to read about each other's children and learn about their unique personalities. I lost my son, Mike, in October of 2006, from brain cancer. The pain of this loss is still with me of course , but over time, and with the love and support and understanding found here on BI, from others who TRULY understand, I have been able to live again, and actually enjoy again. Welcome, Lora.

[BrendaDup59]

I lost my 18 yr old daughter 3 weeks ago. She died in a car accident She just graduated high school and would of been going to college in the fall. My emotions are so up and down. I am single and I have two sons who are older. The first two weeks I was just in shock. Now I just feel so alone and just cry. If I keep busy, I sometimes have a good day. I have to go back to work next week. I work two jobs, a full and a part time job, Some days I don't want to get out of bed.

Lora, I am so very sorry you have to be here, but so glad you found this web sight, we are all grieving parents, I lost my son Brian age 32 on 3/17/12 St. Patrick's Day, to a motorcycle accident, he was a husband ,father to 6 and my first son, I know how you feel , we all know, I think I am still in shock I do have better days and some days I don't get out of bed, I am so heart broken , we plan on seeing our children get older. not saying good bye at such a young age , my heart breaks for my grand children who will not get to be with their daddy, who was a wonderful father. my heart has such a big hole in it that will never be filled. I still have 2 other son's my middle son Brett 28 has chosen to not have anything to d with me or my family because of a falling out with my sister over to be honest stupid stuff, every little thing I ever did wrong, but I know sadly it's my daughter in law who is keeping this going, all I can do is wait for him to grow up, then I have a 10 year old from my second marriage, who is my Brian's twin, they both have different fathers but it's like they came from the same mold. anyway I have no choice to keep going when all I want to do is crawl in a hole and cover it up, I hope you will come back and tell us about your daughter and post some pictures. I do find it helps you will find some wonderful people here that will help you to see it will be better .....so I am told. Take Care God Bless Brenda

[RonnieAlt]

I lost my 18 yr old daughter 3 weeks ago. She died in a car accident She just graduated high school and would of been going to college in the fall. My emotions are so up and down. I am single and I have two sons who are older. The first two weeks I was just in shock. Now I just feel so alone and just cry. If I keep busy, I sometimes have a good day. I have to go back to work next week. I work two jobs, a full and a part time job, Some days I don't want to get out of bed.

Oh Lora, dear God, my heart is broken for you, I know the numbness of disbelief that washes over you. For me, I still have panic attacks suddenly thinking that my beautiful Cherry Lynn is not just away somewhere, soon to visit, but really gone from here. I lost her last October 14, to a heroin overdose and will never be the same or whole again.

I understand how alone you feel, even surrounded by others. It is difficult to know what to do, and how to continue without her. Even everyday "normal" activities seem hollow, empty, and difficult to accomplish. I have 4 other adult children that I need to be a mom to, and am so exhausted emotionally, feel I am failing them at times.

I am facing Cherry Lynn's first birthday away from this earth on Saturday 7/7 and am totally devastated, crying all the time. It is not "ok", we have suffered crushing loss. She would have been 32 years old. I find it hard to breathe and I noticed I sigh all the time like my insides are crying, even when there are no visible tears. With each passing day I feel further away from my baby girl and the energy is zapped from me. I had so many hopes and dreams for her, and still have love for her I do not know where to send. I send it out anyway oping she somehow feels it where she is now.

I am sorry you have to begin this journey that I started last October. I wish you did not have to be here, but am glad you found us. I would love to hear about your daughter, her name, what she was like, and memories you have about her. I am broken as I know you are too. I will pray for you and ask that you pray for me, for peace.

Love, and {{{HUGS}}}

-Ronnie

[BrendaDup59]

Oh Lora, dear God, my heart is broken for you, I know the numbness of disbelief that washes over you. For me, I still have panic attacks suddenly thinking that my beautiful Cherry Lynn is not just away somewhere, soon to visit, but really gone from here. I lost her last October 14, to a heroin overdose and will never be the same or whole again.

I understand how alone you feel, even surrounded by others. It is difficult to know what to do, and how to continue without her. Even everyday "normal" activities seem hollow, empty, and difficult to accomplish. I have 4 other adult children that I need to be a mom to, and am so exhausted emotionally, feel I am failing them at times.

I am facing Cherry Lynn's first birthday away from this earth on Saturday 7/7 and am totally devastated, crying all the time. It is not "ok", we have suffered crushing loss. She would have been 32 years old. I find it hard to breathe and I noticed I sigh all the time like my insides are crying, even when there are no visible tears. With each passing day I feel further away from my baby girl and the energy is zapped from me. I had so many hopes and dreams for her, and still have love for her I do not know where to send. I send it out anyway oping she somehow feels it where she is now.

I am sorry you have to begin this journey that I started last October. I wish you did not have to be here, but am glad you found us. I would love to hear about your daughter, her name, what she was like, and memories you have about her. I am broken as I know you are too. I will pray for you and ask that you pray for me, for peace.

Love, and {{{HUGS}}}

-Ronnie

Ronnie, I am so sorry you are going through this, all the feelings you describe I am still having, the 17th will be 4 months for me, I have already had to go through Brian's birthday he passed on 3/17 12 and he would have been 33 on April 3 , I just tried to keep busy but the minute I sat down the tears came, I miss him so much that it is a physical pain, I am just starting to be able to write on here, for the longest time I could hardly read every ones post the pain was just to bad, just know I will pray for you . I wish I could just give you a hug. Take Care Brenda

[BrendaDup59]

Yes, thank you so much Trudi, for posting this. Time has been elusive this past 24 hours, my friends. And, yes Mike is okay, thank God. The surgery was extremely scary, but when they did all the tests and finally did the CT scan with oral contrast, they saw a mass on his intestines that they said was ischemic (dead tissue/bowel) and needed to come out NOW or he had up to a week to live.....this was told to us at 2 am on Monday morning, after they had spent the previous 24 hours trying to figure out what the problem was. We told the doc we wanted to confer with his surgeon that did the pancreatic surgery at Dartmouth Hospital (two hours from here) and she said "you don't have time for that." Then she explained in great detail what the risks of the surgery were, especially considering his greatly weakened state with the pancreatic cancer and all else that was going on, She said that because his last surgery was such a short time ago, that it could take up to three hours just to get to the site of the ischemia, and that with his blood pressure dropping so much, it would make it even riskier to be in there for such a long time, before they even got started on the resection. It was not possible to predict the total length of the surgery, she said, but that it would be "quite lengthy." She said his recovery would likely be long and with many opportunities for serious, possibly life-threatening complications. And she said that since the "average life span of pancreatic patients is 6 months from diagnosis, " he had to consider that he would spend that time recovering from this surgery, with much rehab therapy, possibly a colostomy bag, and also possibly having to go on dialysis because of his one barely working kidney. She also emphasized that due to his current condition, he may not make it through the surgery. I got to tell you, everyone, we were COMPLETELY blown away. So, he asked the doc "If I dont have this surgery, I WILL be dead in less than a week She said "yes." Then he said, "and if I have the surgery, I MIGHT die during or following it, and also might die from complications that might occur, and Iwill have a very difficult recovery time, but I MIGHT get through it." She said "yes." He looked at her and said "I choose life. Do the surgery. I'm not ready to die in a week." ( he and I had had a few minutes to discuss this, and I told him he had to make the decision for HIMSELFwithout worry for me entering into it. Iwanted him to decide which it was that HE wanted.)

So, within an hour, that was spent calling family to talk to them for possibly the last time, (this at three am, while they are getting him ready), telling each of us how much he loved us and was glad that he got to spend his life with us, and he knew that he might not see them again, but that he had to try, that there were no odds offered in the first option, so he had to take the second one. He told me how much these last 48 years meant to him, spending them with me, and how much he had wanted to make it to 50. He reminded me of how we both (truly) heard bells the very first time we kissed, which was also the very first time we met, and just six weeks before we got married. I held his hand, and we cried for those memories and the joy they held for us.

And then we all stood there, (Cathi had come, along with her oldest, Davis) watching them wheel him down that hallway, two IV pole structures being wheeled beside him with a total of 5 lines going from them to him, and when he was out of sight, we all gathered together and with our arms around each other, we stood there and cried.

We all then went to the waiting room, and sat there, the disbelief still wrapped around us over how quickly this had all happened. We had only been told of this just two hours before. We sat there and heard him say goodbye to those loved ones we could reach. And now, we sat there, waiting and praying that we would get to say hello again. Exhausted beyond belief, having been up for almost 48 hours straight, I fell into a deep, deep sleep. I woke up, hearing my name being called. It was his doctor, and thinking to myself that I must have been asleep for hours, I asked her what time it was. She smiled, a huge, wide smile that seemed to encompass her whole being, and said "It's a little after 5 am, and the surgery couldn't have gone better! It was the best of the best of the best scenario we could ever have hoped for," and told us he was in recovery and we would be able to see him in an hour or so. I truly, truly thought I was dreaming, and thought that she was a little angel fairy standing in front of me. Honestly, she looked as though her feet weren't even touching the floor. Weird thoughts, I know, but I was drunk with no sleep and could not believe that what I was hearing and seeing was real. The last timeI had seen her, she was standing by hubby's hospital bed, in street clothes, hair hardly combed, having been called in in the middle of the night for an emergency consult with us, telling us that Mike had a week to live, or he could choose to undergo a seriously risky surgery from which he might not recover, and if he did, it might involve a long, difficult healing process. And here she was now, standing in front of me, dressed in her OR scrubs, her hair all tucked up inside her OR "bonnet" that was covered in little red lady bugs, telling me that not only had he survived the surgery, but that he was doing well, and, that the surgery had only taken less than two hours, start to finish! She said she didn't have to do the resection, that what was there was a hernia, and over time, some of the intestine had been pushed up inside of the hernia, trapped, and, as she removed it from the hernia, she said that right there, in her hands, it spread out, on its own and turned a beautiful healthy color and settled back into place, in line with the rest of the intestines. She was then able to repair the hernia, and after checking for other stuff that I can't remember, was able to close and be done, with a much brighter outlook than had the intestine actually been dead when she pulled it from the hernia. There was NO dead tissue anywhere. She said that he does still have the potential for complications to develop because of his poor physical state, but they should be much easier to manage than previously thought. It is now 15 1/2 hours out from surgery, no breathing tube, blood pressures for the most part near normal (for him, which is lower than most), no emergency Iv blood pressure medications; and he is sleeping off and on, pain under control with meds. How truly, truly blessed we feel!

I know this has been a lengthy post, and I 've not even taken time to "speak" to each of you...except that I must tell BRENDA that I am so, so glad your surgery went well and that I hope your arm and hand are in good working order really soon. Will you have to do physical therapy?

And, of course, I must take time to thank you all so very, very much for all of your prayers and good wishes. I felt as though I had this huge, wonderful family standing beside us, Cheering us on, sending their love and support and prayers, and, we did...all of YOU! And we thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Carol, so glad every thing worked out for Mike , I hope and pray he continues to heal and get his strength back, I can only imagine what you have had to go through, my thoughts and prayers are with you both. Take Care Brenda

[RonnieAlt]

Ronnie, I am so sorry you are going through this, all the feelings you describe I am still having, the 17th will be 4 months for me, I have already had to go through Brian's birthday he passed on 3/17 12 and he would have been 33 on April 3 , I just tried to keep busy but the minute I sat down the tears came, I miss him so much that it is a physical pain, I am just starting to be able to write on here, for the longest time I could hardly read every ones post the pain was just to bad, just know I will pray for you . I wish I could just give you a hug. Take Care Brenda

I can feel your virtual hug and sincere sympathy. My heart goes out to you for the loss of your handsome son Brian, I pray you will find peace. Thank you Brenda, for you prayers, I need all the prayers I can get. We have all been devastated and are immersed in grief. This was such a lonely journey until I found others on this path. It is hallowed ground we all walk on together, paved with each others experiences and those who are ahead offer hope and lead the way to those of us just beginning this journey.

I pray for all those grieving tonight that God will comfort you and bring you sleep.

Love and {{{HUGS}}}.

-Ronnie

[Guest]

.

[mysonrich]

"OR "bonnet" that was covered in little red lady bugs", Carol when I read this I did not see lady bugs in my mind. I saw punch buggy. Somehow it seemed to fit. SO much going through my mind right now after reading your post. My first thought is a image of you both in nice over-stuffed chairs , feet up on ottamans with cool glasses of iced tea in your hands. My wish to you both.

[517958]

I think it's Forest's Angel Day today so I just wanted to say that I'm with you today Gretchen.

[Jeff's Mom]

I think it's Forest's Angel Day today so I just wanted to say that I'm with you today Gretchen.

I'm thinking of you today as well Gretchen. I also see that your angel date is fast approaching Angela. There are so many new people on this site that it is easy to forget to mention everyone. I am thinking of all of you as you are attempting to make it through another day. To all the new people I am really, really sorry for your loss and that you have had to find this place. But as the others have stated. It is a place of comfort and it truly does help to talk to others that are experiencing the same pain. Take care.

Kate

[mysonrich]

Forest,Forest, Forest.Saying your name out loud !

Gretchen,you are not alone.

[hotrod]

FOREST, FOREST, FOREST

STAY CLOSE TO YOUR MOM TODAY

AND

LET HER FEEL THE WARMTH OF YOUR SPIRIT

[BrendaDup59]

Gretchen

Thinking about you today, my thoughts and prayers for you on this very hard day .

Forest I pray you will wrap your arms around your mom today .

[ericasmom]

HolyCow!

I have not been on since Sunday morning as we lost power in an incredible wind shear that still has us in the dark and without air on three consecutive 97 degree days, no wind to speak of. We have had offers to sleep at my Son's home, three blocks away as they have power, but i didn't want to with the insomnia and constant need to get up and use the bathroom in the night, (one aspect of menopause) and so we have had two nights of difficult sleep but if the transformer is not up and running by tonight, we wil go to Jonathan and Shannon's home. We are at the library now, using the internet and cooling down surrounded by the wonderful kind of quiet offered in libraries, and the smell of books, which I love.

I have not read but one or two fragments, so excited to finally be here so forgive my lack of knowing what the heck is going on but I did see that someone said they were happy that Mike is better, so Carol,I am praying that that continues. I missed some birthdays I am sure, and I think today is an angelversarry, is it Char? Oh dear Child how dearly you are loved. LOVED and missed completely. I will try to read while here and catch up with everyone's stories, we all have stories as I tell my third grade students, many many chapters to speak of here.

Until then, be well.

[tobyfreefoot]

thanks you guys. it is funny how my heart brightens when i see you writing forest's name.--my beautiful. brilliant, loving son-

his girlfriend's mother went to the crash site and left a memorial for ashlie who also died. she left a mario doll to honor forest.

[ericasmom]

Okay, I have read two pages worth of posts, so many people with broken hearts. One comment I have toward giving advice to the Mom letting go of her Girl, I very much agree with Colleen, by not allowing this girl to run the family into the ground, the woman is fighting this battle...her way. THere is no one way, as Trudi also referred to, it is a lot like grief, no two ways are exactly the same. I have known so many who fight drugs and succeed, but I know way more that did not succeed. My own nephew is dealing with addiction right now and who knows which way he will go, my sis can't make him tell the truth, can't make him stop, she can't watch him day in and out, he is 23 now and has pawned most of what was ever given him and has lied and stole from many family members. How does one fight? The only way that makes sense to the specific folks. Getting tired and not putting up th ebattle did not make your Girl leave Maddy, it was not your fault for being tired or letting down your guard, keeping your guard up probably would not have changed the circumstances any. I have many friends that made choices that took their lives even though they had lovely families waiting up for them each night, saying the rosary, praying to each star in the heavens to help their child, brother, sister, parent. Addiction is a monster, and I agree with Trudi, it is that monster that steals and pawns and justifies each of these driven moves. I would also say though, that it must be hard on your heart and spirit to join in with this woman knowing what you know. Prayers for you.

Carol, my goodness, what a road, what deep deep love and care that delivers you here today in the news you have. (thanks Trud for the update) and thank you Carol for your retelling. My heart and love to you and to Mike and the whole gang.

Lora, I am so sad that you have had to find this place but happy that you have found such a good place to be during this most difficult time in your life. I lost my girl at age 19 in an accident, her car hit by an Amtrak at a broken crossing, and also the brain damage that took her, though 6 days later as she still had one tiny dialation in her eye and that meant not totally brain dead and so the hospital/trauma center could not call it so we had to decide how long to keep her hooked up to machines before letting her go free. Blue-sky. Heaven. I am so sorry that you have this ache to travel now. Hold on, it is a rocky road, but we are here and will help the best we can with our hearts and with our experiences to let you know...you are not alone. It is however a very lonely place to be, grief, so come here often and let it out, you will not scare anyone away with your pain. We get it.

Brenda, hugs, I know that this is a very hard time.

Ronnie, take the day as it comes, it sounds like the women attending will all benefit from each other, be kind to yourself, Your Girl is with you. The build up to the day is very hard, so keep posting.

Kate, the area is gorgeous, so pretty.

Col, thanks hopefully we will have power and it won't be one hundred degrees on Saturday for ERI-fest, our annual gathering to honor My Girl. She died on the 14th of July 2003, after being struck on the 8th. Each year we gather to think of her, tell stories, catch up with each other and eat of course, we set off balloons and maybe lanterns, and we allow the energy to fill our hearts and remind us that she SHE will not be forgotten. We collect donations on that day to put to the fund in her name at the school where I teach, it is where she and Jon went to school, and that fund sees to the kids who need an outstretched hand to afford the things that their families cannot afford. It is what makes Eri smile, I know.

[ericasmom]

FOREST you beautiful Boy, hold Momma close today and each day as she finds her footing in this great vortex of loss. You are loved for all of time, I know you know, but it is what we like to remind you Angels, that never will there be a day that you are not first and foremost in love and thought, and heart and spirit. Forever and all time.

Gretchen, may you feel your Son holding you close, knowing that he loves you as you do him.

Thanks for sharing the roadside memorial.

[westleysmom]

FOREST-Forever loved and missed.

Gretchen-Thinking of you today.

[westleysmom]

Dee-good grief, stay cool! It was 112 degrees on my car thermometer Saturday. We haven't had rain in a long while to speak of and it was over 100 degrees for at least three or four days. No fireworks or outdoor grills on the 4th here because of fire hazard.

Carol-Your account of Mike's goodbyes brought tears. I'm so glad the surgery went well and hope he is feeling better soon.

Lora-I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. This is a place where I feel understood, sometimes even when I don't understand myself. My heart to you.

Trudi-Thinking of you and hoping that Mal is getting the help he needs. I'm so sorry that your other son is struggling so hard right now and hope that things start getting better.

Ronnie-Thinking of you

Char's Mom-You have been on my mind too. I know when it gets to be around those anniversarys how hard it is to keep going on.

My friend told me that a friend of a friend asked about me last week. Said she thought of me often and felt so bad for me. That she knew she could never make it if anything happened to one of her kids. I know what people mean when they say that, hell, I probably said it myself before it happened to me. It always almost comes across as if they think they love their kids more than I loved mine, and so they would be 'more' devastated (is that even possible? if you're devastated, aren't you all the way devastated?) Just saying.

Betty-Good to see you and hope you are doing okay.

Betsy-There are so many 'things' that I think about that we fought over. Westley wrecked every car he ever sat behind the wheel of more than once or twice. How we worried about his insurance and stuff. Of course, there was also that he could hurt somebody or be hurt every time he wrecked, but he never did or was hurt. I don't know that he ever had a scratch on him from car accidents. I'm glad you were able to let the stereo go.

We are having some trouble with CJ not coming to work every day and they are very busy and he needs the money and they need him to work. I find it hard to have the energy that it takes to keep fighting to get him to grow up. Very busy at work and just very tired. I feel like I'm rambling, so I'll sign off, bu I hope you all are staying cool and have a good 4th of July.

[Maddy6]

FOREST

Forever loved and missed

FOREST

I wish I had known you,

I know you were very special

because I have come to know your mom

and she is an awesome lady

FOREST

Give your mom comfort and give her peace,

may she sense your spirit and your love.

Dee, Thank you for your advice. I see from everyone's advice that I stand corrected. I realize you are all correct, and I am glad I asked all of you. I also am beginning to realize, really realize, that yes, Dee you are correct, that what I did, or didn't do, didnt cause Rachael to leave. I was strict and I was firm, and somehow I blamed myself for that. For not enabling her. I guess afterwards I felt that I wish I had enabled her and she would still be alive. Of course I know that is not the truth.

And yes, helping my friend is resurfacing some emotions. However, it is bringing memories to the surface that I had forgotten. Memories confirming I was a good parent, and a good mom. Thank you for "getting it." I was really feeling desperate for my friend to see, and her daughter and her situation are not the same as mine. Also, we did not deal with meth. I cannot control her situation any more than I was able to control our families with Rachael. I will be there to support my friend and be an understanding ear. The choice is her daughter's to make, just like it was Rachael's. And I am realizing that blaming myself, does not change that truth. Thanks to all of you and to you Dee.

LOVE,MADDY

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee...glad to see you back. I was getting worried about you. Yes, I have heard how hot it is down your way. Is there any relief in sight? What about the loss of your food, etc.? I hope you will take your son up on staying at his place if this continues much longer. And Rhonda...my gosh that is terrible heat! No wonder they have imposed a ban on all fires and fireworks. I feel terrible when I see the pictures on our tv of the homes lost in Colorado Springs. How sad.

It is hot here as well. But more tolerable and we have had rain. I am grateful for that much. Although the mosquitoes are dreadful the past few days. Always something sent to try us it seems. Ran into a person this afternoon that I had not seen for quite some time. She told me she did not recognize me...she then quickly jumped in to say that I have a good reason for letting myself go. For once...I was speechless. I ran to the mirror once I got home and took a good look. Ouch! That hurt. I guess I do like I have been through the ringer. Isn't she lucky...I could always trade places with her. I think this should go to the top of our what not to say list. What do you think?

Carol and Ralph, thinking of you. I certainly hope you managed to get some decent rest today Carol.

Maddy, everyone here that knows you also knows what a good and loving mom you are. You could no more have controlled what had happened then fly to the moon. I hope things will work out for your friend.

I hope all of you will be able to enjoy your holiday tomorrow in whatever way you are able. Thinking of everyone.

Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee...glad to see you back. I was getting worried about you. Yes, I have heard how hot it is down your way. Is there any relief in sight? What about the loss of your food, etc.? I hope you will take your son up on staying at his place if this continues much longer. And Rhonda...my gosh that is terrible heat! No wonder they have imposed a ban on all fires and fireworks. I feel terrible when I see the pictures on our tv of the homes lost in Colorado Springs. How sad.

It is hot here as well. But more tolerable and we have had rain. I am grateful for that much. Although the mosquitoes are dreadful the past few days. Always something sent to try us it seems. Ran into a person this afternoon that I had not seen for quite some time. She told me she did not recognize me...she then quickly jumped in to say that I have a good reason for letting myself go. For once...I was speechless. I ran to the mirror once I got home and took a good look. Ouch! That hurt. I guess I do like I have been through the ringer. Isn't she lucky...I could always trade places with her. I think this should go to the top of our what not to say list. What do you think?

Carol and Ralph, thinking of you. I certainly hope you managed to get some decent rest today Carol.

Maddy, everyone here that knows you also knows what a good and loving mom you are. You could no more have controlled what had happened then fly to the moon. I hope things will work out for your friend.

I hope all of you will be able to enjoy your holiday tomorrow in whatever way you are able. Thinking of everyone.

Kate

[daveydow1]

Kate----Yep.....it's been some wild ride for the southern part of Ohio, and all over. Luckily, we

did not get the bad storm, and did not lose power. My son, who lives in souther OH. lost power

for 4 days.....(thank goodness, it is back on as of today). I've read of the power outages in

the Dayton-Springfield area and all over the place.....going into Maryland too. People lost

their food to spoilage with no refrigeration. I've read that electric crews have come in from

Oklahoma and other states to help with the cleanup & to get the electric back on for everyone.

the outages seem to be very random, with some parts of areas & towns having power, and

some just nearby still without it. We got some rain today----about enough to wet a few blades

of grass......that's all.

Dee-----I'm hoping and praying that your power is back on by now. So, know what you mean

about fitful nights.....trying to sleep. Sending prayers that things will get back to normal with

the electric very soon., and also....hope you get some relief from this awful heat. Still hot here, too.

Rhonda-----How is your weather there? Have you gotten any rain at all? So very dry here.....grass

is all brown. Most other plants/crops are looking so stressed due to this desert-like heat & drought.

Lora-----I'm so very sorry for your loss of your dear daughter, Cara, in an auto accident. This is

so recent, and my heart goes out to you in this devastatingly sad time. Please come back to

this site where everyone here knows, firsthand, the sorrow that you feel. My son, David, died

in a highway crash in 2003, and my baby, Lisa died from choking many years ago. I think that

you will find this a caring and understanding site; that you can come to and read/post as

you feel you want to. Peace & prayers , friend.

FOREST......FOREST..........SAYING YOUR NAME, AND REMEMBERING YOU.

Thoughts & prayers , Gretchen.

Ronnie----Also sending prayers for you as you approach dear sweet Cherry Lynn's birthday. So

very heartbreaking and difficult, ......I know. I'm sorry.

Carol-----Oh.....I'm SO SO glad to hear that Ralph's surgery went well, and that it was not nearly

as bad as was earlier thought to be by the doctors. May God be with him and heal him. Prayers

will keep on coming. Take care, friend, and get some rest if you are able.

Betty------So good to see your post, and dear Stephen's avatar. Have you been traveling lately?

PEACE, AND HEARTFELT PRAYERS FOR ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

GRETCHEN...I am on my tablet today, so cant use nice colors, but I am sending much love to you today. FOREST....fill your mom's ears with some of your sweetest music and rest in her heart, surrounded by the great love she holds for you and always will.

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang, we were all set to go to Jon and Shan's this evening at around 8:00 but our power did come back adn we are thrilled. I am going to bed with hopes of much more sleep than last night, night before that too.

Be well, stay cool, heat index was 105 today, going up tomorrow.

Love,

dee

[RonnieAlt]

Hi Gang, we were all set to go to Jon and Shan's this evening at around 8:00 but our power did come back adn we are thrilled. I am going to bed with hopes of much more sleep than last night, night before that too.

Be well, stay cool, heat index was 105 today, going up tomorrow.

Love,

dee

Dee, wonderful, beautiful, compassionate Dee,

Sleep peacefully, you are a wellspring of hope and your words are so full of knowledge and eloquent. You have been a beacon of light leading the way and I pray you sleep and rest and renew. You are a blessing to all of us here who are wounded and scarred. You are a sweetheart.God Bless You Dee.Thank you for being here for me and all of us. Thank you for giving of yourself in this way for all these years. You make a difference one grieving, wounded parent at a time. Thank you, bless you, we love you.

I know this month is Eri's angelversary. I was surprised to still see you here, keeping watch, and helping those of us battle weary and frightened. I do not know what I would have done if not for you and your voice of wisdom. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here.

Love you so much,

-Ronnie

[Guest]

.

[Maddy6]

I ditto what Ronnie said to Dee. Thank you Dee because you care.LOVE,MADDY

[ericasmom]

Ronnie, your words are so kind, thank you very much. If I am here in a way that soothes or assists, then I am standing where ERi cannot, her life led me here, and it is what I do with my life in her wake that matters most to me. She is my guiding Angel. That is why many of us stay after so many years, this place will constantly see new folks come aboard, makes our hearts weep but also makes us see that if we can somehow make the road a little safer, a little less terrifying, then we are doing well. Knowing the nights that found me pacing and weeping and sleepless especially those first two years...knowing I had this place to attend to scream and to fall apart, these things made a difference to me, do still make a difference to me. It is sometimes HOME when home cannot be found anywhere else.

I love you too.

Lora, going back to work at this point, two jobs no less, must be hard. For many, working is a way to give form to the days that seem like fog. For others, working was not something feasible. I teach elementary school and Eri died in July, so I had another 5 or so weeks off work before attempting to return. Returning for me was what helped me very much, working with kids puts you in the moment immediately, they needed me for 6 hours a day, it was good. Not easy, but good. I am wishing you so much good. Oh, I went to therapy at around the same time I found this place, the six month mark. I found both to be what my soul and spirit needed. I stayed in therapy for two years, weekly.

[rlolheiser]

I haven't been on for a couple days, just so busy and no energy. The heat really does me in.

Gretchen, sorry I wasn't here for Forest's Day, I hope you and yours felt his presence so close, I hope you feel it everyday.

Lora, thank you for sharing your angel. It is such a sad place to be, but such good company.

Carol, so glad things worked out so well, I will continue the prayers and hopes for you and Mike. I hope you get some much needed rest.

Ronnie, I completely agree with you, Dee is something else, don't know what I would have done without her here. So often she was my sanity.

Dee. glad you got your electricity back, no fun without it, losing it makes a person really appreciate it a lot, I remember when we lost it a couple years ago for almost a week in the winter.. yuck :-)

Kate, I hope the mosquitos ease up.. I hate feeding them :-)

I think about the conversation of addiction here, and look at what it has done to my life, and the life of my family. I have 2 gradkids without their mom, a little girl who has faced only God knows what in life, and wonders what she faces in the future. Deep down I wonder how much of the drug had to do in the accident.. my daughter says no, but I can't help but wonder as I see drugs equalling lies. I distance myself from her now, I am afraid of the lies and the hurts.. I love her, but life will never be the same. I want her to be strong, but she has to find the strength.

I know I should say more, but I had my nieces twins stay the night last night, now I am trying to find a way to stay awake :-) they are aged right between my 9 year old grandaughter and my 8 year old son. Put them all together and it was a long night, but they had a blast.

Have a wonderful 4th everybody, feel those angels as we go throughout our day, I know they are watching us.

[Jeff's Mom]

Happy 4th. of July! Hope everyone has a fun day.

There has been so much discussion this week about addictions and our youth falling into this terrible haze. It makes my blood boil when I see these dealers getting off the hook. We live in an area that is known for grow ops. The police are constantly flying overhead in helicopters looking for farms tucked away in remote areas. There is a huge Hell's Angel community and you don't dare breathe a word if you value your life. One person that I know has had extensive work done to their home this year. And the only thing said was her husband had a very good year! Well, we know why, I wonder how they would feel if it were one of their own kids that was lost to this vice. My son witnessed it on a daily basis working with street people. He saw the level of personal devastation and what it could do to a person's life. I can only say again that they need to throw them in jail and toss the key for good.

It is a very pleasant day today. In some strange way the softly falling rain is so clean and the air so refreshing. I love the scent of rain. It is a nice break from the intense sun and heat of the past several days. Hope everyone has as good a holiday as they can given the circumstances.

Kate

[shorty16]

Dee

You said it!!! That is why I stay, because (sadly) there will be more parents who find themselves in the worst situation they have ever faced.

When Brian died, a piece of me died too. I am not who I was when he was alive. Something, deep inside, tells me to stay on this site and say to those new parents "You can survive this" "You do not have to die too."

Just knowing the we have lived productive lives years after our child died, is a testiment to the fact that there is light during this dark time.

I am sending my love for the heat to be good to you for Erifest.

To all my friends

It is 9am here and 92 degrees. The humidity is about 89%. It is brutal!! My daughter, Michelle wants to go to SummerFest tonight. This is her only day off - she works 2 jobs.

I am not going to poop out for this, but I am going to melt in the process.

Think cool thoughts, my friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[BrendaDup59]

Hi everyone, well I hope all of you who celebrate the 4th have a good day, for some reason yesterday was bad day for me , I just felt angry at everything, and anything, and just had a melt down, well then I get my son's bed made as I washed all the bed sheets and all, and had just made his bed finally at 10 pm , well our 80 lb Boxer is afraid of fireworks and had gotten on his bed and laid down and just peed all over? so needless to say I had to strip the bed and wash every thing all over again, so I finally got his bed made again 12 am and he was up so I ended up putting poor Bailey in our room with some benadryl and she did fine... now tonight will be worse , so I will have to keep benedryl in her tonight, and I have some really rude neighbors behind us last year they were doing bottle rockets off until 3 am, I was so mad they would just about make you come out of the bed they were so loud, so I really dread it.. we just had gotten her in December from a Boxer rescue and I have found out all kinds of things, she is a digger, has separation anxiety will chew up anything she gets in her mouth , will pee all over the house if you don't watch her, UGH... I almost gave her back but I couldn't do it. one of the times I was telling Brian how frustrated I was he said mom I will take her , he loved dogs ... he could barely feed his family.. he just had such a big heart.I miss him so much to just think about him I feel the panic attacks starting again, I have gotten to where I wont go anywhere. I am going to try and make a good dinner and take it over to my mom , I feel bad I live 3 minutes from her and I haven't been over in a week I talk to her ever day. anyway My thoughts and prayers are with all of you , I hope you all have a good day Take Care Love Brenda

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi everyone, well I hope all of you who celebrate the 4th have a good day, for some reason yesterday was bad day for me , I just felt angry at everything, and anything, and just had a melt down, well then I get my son's bed made as I washed all the bed sheets and all, and had just made his bed finally at 10 pm , well our 80 lb Boxer is afraid of fireworks and had gotten on his bed and laid down and just peed all over? so needless to say I had to strip the bed and wash every thing all over again, so I finally got his bed made again 12 am and he was up so I ended up putting poor Bailey in our room with some benadryl and she did fine... now tonight will be worse , so I will have to keep benedryl in her tonight, and I have some really rude neighbors behind us last year they were doing bottle rockets off until 3 am, I was so mad they would just about make you come out of the bed they were so loud, so I really dread it.. we just had gotten her in December from a Boxer rescue and I have found out all kinds of things, she is a digger, has separation anxiety will chew up anything she gets in her mouth , will pee all over the house if you don't watch her, UGH... I almost gave her back but I couldn't do it. one of the times I was telling Brian how frustrated I was he said mom I will take her , he loved dogs ... he could barely feed his family.. he just had such a big heart.I miss him so much to just think about him I feel the panic attacks starting again, I have gotten to where I wont go anywhere. I am going to try and make a good dinner and take it over to my mom , I feel bad I live 3 minutes from her and I haven't been over in a week I talk to her ever day. anyway My thoughts and prayers are with all of you , I hope you all have a good day Take Care Love Brenda

Brenda, please hang in there. You are going to get past this initial first stage. It is after all only a matter of a few short months. Everything you are experiencing is perfectly normal. I'm sorry the dog gave you so much trouble yesterday. We celebrated Canada Day this past weekend. We also had fireworks everywhere. Our dog who is now blind and old managed to work her way under our bed when they started to go off. My husband had to actually lift the bottom of the bed up to get her out! The noise scares the bejeebers out of the, These first few holidays can release a ton of emotions and have your nerves beyond frayed. Losing patience and feeling overwhelmed unfortunately goes hand in glove with this grieving process. You are not alone today. I know it is a huge holiday in the States. And I also know that the thought of celebrating anything that first bit for me seemed impossible. I am here if you need to talk. Withdrawing from everything is also a normal response. You must go with what you are able to handle at this time. Take care of yourself. (HUGS)

Kate

[BrendaDup59]

Thanks Kate,

some days I think I an get through this and then bam it hits like a ton of bricks that he is really gone, I still find it hard to believe that I am going through this let alone his wife and children , I feel bad for her. her computer died, her cell phone is barely working and now her truck broke down yesterday. I don't know how she is keeping it all together .. I know it's the kids that keep her going but emotionally I feel like she is just going to lose it one day . I worry about her. I don't live close enough to be of any help . I guess it will all work out . well Thanks for responding , have a great day. Love Brenda

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Kate,

some days I think I an get through this and then bam it hits like a ton of bricks that he is really gone, I still find it hard to believe that I am going through this let alone his wife and children , I feel bad for her. her computer died, her cell phone is barely working and now her truck broke down yesterday. I don't know how she is keeping it all together .. I know it's the kids that keep her going but emotionally I feel like she is just going to lose it one day . I worry about her. I don't live close enough to be of any help . I guess it will all work out . well Thanks for responding , have a great day. Love Brenda

Hang in there, kiddo. You will get through this. I know it may not seem like it at this moment. I still am overwhelmed when I actually sit down and allow myself to try to process what happened in our lives with losing Jeff. I remember a few days after his death I was in complete shock. It was so close to Christmas (Dec. 12th) and our older son had come home with his family. They stayed with her parents in the city. I had to force myself to wander through Toys R Us and fill my Christmas list for the kids,etc. I felt like I was floating several feet off of the ground. I could hear voices and people talking all around. Music playing in the background...but I was there in body only. I sat in the car while my husband ran into the Liquor Commission to buy alcohol for people dropping by to visit. A U2 song came on the radio. I was overwhelmed by the most intense pain when thinking of Jeff. It did not seem real. I wanted to get out of the car and run. But where? It was real and I had to take it with each tide that came my way. One day at a time. Some terrible days...I did not want to get out of bed. Others I managed not too badly. It takes a huge amount of physical and emotional effort to continue. But you will finally find that at some point you will see the pain soften slightly. You will change from this...I won't kid you that you will be the same. But you will never lose your son in actuality. He will alawys remain with you in your heart and he is still just a chat away. Stay strong, look after yourself...and allow the tears to flow.

Your DIL is no doubt in shock herself. I hope she has the support of her family. I am going to give you my private email address. Send me a message any time. I will check today several times. Hang in there.

Kate

[ericasmom]

Great advice to Brenda and other Newbies Kate, it is one day at a time and often one hour at a time. Like Colleen said, showing others that we are here finding a way to live productive lives is lending hope and light to those whose worlds have collapsed as ours did when we lost our Child.

Colleen, it is 95 here so far, I know it is that or more where you are, be safe in the heat.

Rhonda, you were not rambling as far as I read, it was nice to read your post. You must be frustrated with CJ at this point and one would be...I do not know what I would do in similar circumstances. Follow your gut I guess. Stay as cool as possible, it is pretty brutal out there.

Leah, I know you are tired from the overnight with the kids, but oh what fun you gave them. Good for you. Yes, your take on drugs and addiction add a whole other view for folks here. There is not one way to view this topic, there are as many ways as there is heartache.

[daveydow1]

Brenda----Sorry about your poor dog being so frightened of fireworks. My kitty, (when I had her....

she's gone to the heaven for pets), also used to be afraid of thunder, fireworks, and loud noises,

and would go to the small walkin closet in the bedroom and stay there til all was clear. Your dear

son will always be with you because the love you had for him and he for you, will always be there

in your heart. When a loved one dies, the love you have for them doesn't die too........it stays in

your heart always.

Dee-----YIKES ! .....I see on the weather channel where it is so very hot there in Chicago. It's 95

here today, and even hotter there in Chicagoland. We're to be 97 on Friday. So glad that you got your electric back on.

We had a storm last night with tornado warnings in our county, but luckily no tornado. Got some much-need rain.

What a relief. I hope that you are able to get some good restful sleep tonight.

Kate-----Your description of the state of shock that you were in after your son, Jeff's, death, brings

back memories of how I, too, seemed like I was in a dream-like state as you described. You mentioned

stores, as a place when you keenly felt that unworldly state. I remember being outside a WalMart in

the gardening area with my husband who was looking at shrubs, shortly after David's death.

A storm was blowing up, and everyone was scurrying to get to their cars. For some reason......probably the shock-,

----I was not responding as everyone else was......hurrying to escape the storm. It got very windy, and my husband

had to remind me that we had better get to the car. It was not a tornado.......just a normal summer thunderstorm---

windy and lightning, rain. When I think back to it now......it seems like......"How could I have been that way" ? As you said......

shock can do strange things to a person's psyche. I, too, would jump at loud or sudden noises.....and

still do sometimes. I know that everyone here can attest to times.---- especially in the early weeks & months after

our child/children passed, to having times like this. Part of this lousy road we're on. Glad that your

area is getting better, weatherwise.

Rhonda-----So HOT in your state too. Hope you're keeping cool.

Leah----Yep----the kids must have had a grand time staying overnight at your house, but I do know how

one can get tired out with all their young energy. (Oh, to have just some of that exuberant energy, huh?)

Glad that they had fun. About the drugs thing.......I don't know any answers. Addiction is a terrible thing.

As Dee said, there are so many facets to the drug problem, and sometimes I don't think that the 'war on drugs'

is making much progress.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY ......AND PEACE AND COMFORT to all.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sherry, right on, the war on drugs has battled on for families and individuals alike, not to mention law enforcement. Glad that you got some rain, stay as cool as you can. We got to 102 actual today and tomorrow predictions are for 103. Really hard on folks, the air quality is poor and getting worse with each day of this heat being trapped.

I can hear the many people around us blowing off bottle rockets and things such as this, actually for the last 5 or so days, worries me with the drought...hopefully, folks will be smarter and realize that the many trees that came down were weakened by the drought, that this is a very real issue and we can not afford risky behavior with flames and sparks.

[mikesmomrs]

Hey, everybody...HAPPY JULY 4TH!!!! What a wonderful gift we have to live in this great country!

BRENDA: I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time, but as KATE says, hang in there. It's so very hard, especially when you add in the worry about your grandies and DIL. I am so sorry that she is having those extra problems to deal with. Prayers for both of you.

DEE: So glad to hear that you got your power back and didn't have to leave home. I agree with all the others here Dee, you are so very wise, and kind and

KATE: oh, goodness, the area you have for Jeff is so very, very lovely and peaceful looking. I wish I could sit there with you and talk about our angels. Or not talk. Sometimes there doesn't need to be words among people who understand each other's feelings and sorrow.

LEAH: Yes, I agree with Dee, the time those kids had must have been wonderful. I do hope you are able to get some rest tonight.

LORA...the woman you met at the cemetery., oh yes your sweet Cara (beautiful name) is indeed watching out for you. Cara sounds likea beautiful girl, beautiful person. Thank for sharing her with us. And though i imagine it was difficult for you, I am sure her friends appreciated all you did for them at the hospital, assuring they all got to say goodbye to her.

BETSY: yes, Cathi,and I felt the same way about the doctor's OR bonnett having the little "red (lady) bugs on it...red punchbuggies. She and i both saw them, but I mentioned it to the doctor later about the ladybugs on her cap, she looked at me strangely and said, "oh, I do have a cap with ladybugs on it, but I was actually wearing my cap with watermelon seeds on it that night." Well, since both Cathi and I saw ladybugs, then I guess that is what we were meant to see at that time...ladybugs/punch bugs. :-) I did like your idea of Mike and I sitting in overstuffed chairs, sipping iced tea. Nice.

BETTY: So good to see Stephen' sweet face. How is your summer going? How was your trip? Love to you.

RONNIE: I will be thinking of you on Saturday...those "special days" that we have so many memories of seem so much more painful, but sometimes the antcipation of them can be worse thatn the actual day. I pray you will feel surrounded by your sweet cherry Lynn about you.

RHONDA: So good to see your post. I am sorry to hear that you are having problems with CJ. I pray he will straighten out soon and live up to his responsibilities to you, your husband and to himself.

TRUDI: Thinking of you and hoping you are managing okay. Prayers that you see some progress in the loved one's battles against their demons. I just can' understand the thinking when people involve the children in their disagreements or whatever you want to call it. It's probably too mild a word for what's going on, I know. Wishing for you an hour of peace.

SHERRY: I totally relate to your experience in the parking lot and stores. My "walking around in shock" was manifest more in trembling when I would go into a store, especially Walmart. For a very long time, I couldn't even go...to any store, but especially Walmart. That is where I always got Mike's supplies after he came to our house for hospice care, and when I finally did go in, I avoided those aisles for a very long time. I am sorry you stood there in shock until your husband took your arm, but I am glad he was there with you. So very glad you all got some rain...did it help your garden?

I can't remember who it was, but I think it was Lora, who just came to BI who asked if the "angelversary" we speak of is the date that our child left this world. Yes, it is. I can remember seeing someone post that they didn't feel right calling it an "anniversary" because that usually referred to a happy occasion.

Hubby was moved from ICU last night to the step down unit. Fortunately, he got another private room., as it is hard for me to stay when he has a roomie. I have a very comfortable recliner in in this room. The one in the ICU was really weird, built kind of likea throne chair, and was comfortable for sitting but not for sleeping. This morning he started developing problems with throwing up again and also they came in to tell us that his blood count was way down and he would need two blood transfusions. Worse, was the doctor told him they need to put in an ng tube to help drain out hisstomach contents, as that is what is making him feel so sick and vomit, because it will be a while before his intestines begin working again (could be a week or 10 days) due to the surgery. He was NOT a happy person. The doctor very patiently explained that he needed the blood because if his blood count goes much lower, he could have a heart attack. And if he does the ng tube, he will feel better immediately after, because it will take away the nausea and vomiting. So, he has done both now, anddoes indeed feel better. (it wasn't that he didnt want the blood transfusions, it was that they were going to have to find another vein for them and he was having a really hard time with that because they had already tried three different times. But, as I said, he is feeling better right now, and perhaps tomorrow he will be able to sit up on the side of the bed again.

Speaking of beds, if your hubby is ever in the hospital and you want to sit on the side of the bed to say a prayer with him, make sure his bed doesn't have an alarm set on it for"fall risk." He asked me to come sit beside him this morning so we could pray together, and as soon as I did, a nurse came running in. When she saw me sitting on the bed, she said "Oh, you're on the bed, that's why the alarm went off," and told us about the alarm. Mike said to her, "well, thanks for telling us, cause we were just fixing to make mad, passionate love!" Even when he's down, he still has the humor in him (thankfully).

I hope everyone had a good day today and aome peaceful sleep tonight.

[Jeff's Mom]

Hey, everybody...HAPPY JULY 4TH!!!! What a wonderful gift we have to live in this great country!

BRENDA: I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time, but as KATE says, hang in there. It's so very hard, especially when you add in the worry about your grandies and DIL. I am so sorry that she is having those extra problems to deal with. Prayers for both of you.

DEE: So glad to hear that you got your power back and didn't have to leave home. I agree with all the others here Dee, you are so very wise, and kind and

KATE: oh, goodness, the area you have for Jeff is so very, very lovely and peaceful looking. I wish I could sit there with you and talk about our angels. Or not talk. Sometimes there doesn't need to be words among people who understand each other's feelings and sorrow.

LEAH: Yes, I agree with Dee, the time those kids had must have been wonderful. I do hope you are able to get some rest tonight.

LORA...the woman you met at the cemetery., oh yes your sweet Cara (beautiful name) is indeed watching out for you. Cara sounds likea beautiful girl, beautiful person. Thank for sharing her with us. And though i imagine it was difficult for you, I am sure her friends appreciated all you did for them at the hospital, assuring they all got to say goodbye to her.

BETSY: yes, Cathi,and I felt the same way about the doctor's OR bonnett having the little "red (lady) bugs on it...red punchbuggies. She and i both saw them, but I mentioned it to the doctor later about the ladybugs on her cap, she looked at me strangely and said, "oh, I do have a cap with ladybugs on it, but I was actually wearing my cap with watermelon seeds on it that night." Well, since both Cathi and I saw ladybugs, then I guess that is what we were meant to see at that time...ladybugs/punch bugs. :-) I did like your idea of Mike and I sitting in overstuffed chairs, sipping iced tea. Nice.

BETTY: So good to see Stephen' sweet face. How is your summer going? How was your trip? Love to you.

RONNIE: I will be thinking of you on Saturday...those "special days" that we have so many memories of seem so much more painful, but sometimes the antcipation of them can be worse thatn the actual day. I pray you will feel surrounded by your sweet cherry Lynn about you.

RHONDA: So good to see your post. I am sorry to hear that you are having problems with CJ. I pray he will straighten out soon and live up to his responsibilities to you, your husband and to himself.

TRUDI: Thinking of you and hoping you are managing okay. Prayers that you see some progress in the loved one's battles against their demons. I just can' understand the thinking when people involve the children in their disagreements or whatever you want to call it. It's probably too mild a word for what's going on, I know. Wishing for you an hour of peace.

SHERRY: I totally relate to your experience in the parking lot and stores. My "walking around in shock" was manifest more in trembling when I would go into a store, especially Walmart. For a very long time, I couldn't even go...to any store, but especially Walmart. That is where I always got Mike's supplies after he came to our house for hospice care, and when I finally did go in, I avoided those aisles for a very long time. I am sorry you stood there in shock until your husband took your arm, but I am glad he was there with you. So very glad you all got some rain...did it help your garden?

I can't remember who it was, but I think it was Lora, who just came to BI who asked if the "angelversary" we speak of is the date that our child left this world. Yes, it is. I can remember seeing someone post that they didn't feel right calling it an "anniversary" because that usually referred to a happy occasion.

Hubby was moved from ICU last night to the step down unit. Fortunately, he got another private room., as it is hard for me to stay when he has a roomie. I have a very comfortable recliner in in this room. The one in the ICU was really weird, built kind of likea throne chair, and was comfortable for sitting but not for sleeping. This morning he started developing problems with throwing up again and also they came in to tell us that his blood count was way down and he would need two blood transfusions. Worse, was the doctor told him they need to put in an ng tube to help drain out hisstomach contents, as that is what is making him feel so sick and vomit, because it will be a while before his intestines begin working again (could be a week or 10 days) due to the surgery. He was NOT a happy person. The doctor very patiently explained that he needed the blood because if his blood count goes much lower, he could have a heart attack. And if he does the ng tube, he will feel better immediately after, because it will take away the nausea and vomiting. So, he has done both now, anddoes indeed feel better. (it wasn't that he didnt want the blood transfusions, it was that they were going to have to find another vein for them and he was having a really hard time with that because they had already tried three different times. But, as I said, he is feeling better right now, and perhaps tomorrow he will be able to sit up on the side of the bed again.

Speaking of beds, if your hubby is ever in the hospital and you want to sit on the side of the bed to say a prayer with him, make sure his bed doesn't have an alarm set on it for"fall risk." He asked me to come sit beside him this morning so we could pray together, and as soon as I did, a nurse came running in. When she saw me sitting on the bed, she said "Oh, you're on the bed, that's why the alarm went off," and told us about the alarm. Mike said to her, "well, thanks for telling us, cause we were just fixing to make mad, passionate love!" Even when he's down, he still has the humor in him (thankfully).

I hope everyone had a good day today and aome peaceful sleep tonight.

Carol... the way you have described Ralph you have to tell him that there is a long line of ladies on this site waiting to take over if you should ever lose interest. Yeah right, as if you ever would. This man is a true gem. I too have experienced the alarm set offs. Fun isn't it? Is there a foot stool or something that you can use to raise your legs when sleeping? I would pull another chair up and use blankets or pillows to elevate the legs a tad. Not comfy, but it does help a bit. Well, you two love birds...keep it decent, ok? Look for you tomorrow. Ralph...huge hugs and thinking of you!

Kate

[shorty16]

Kate - I can remember that same feeling. Going through the motions, but not feeling anything but this horrible pain. I think I was sick to my stomach for 1.5 years. We had court hearings for 8 months after Brain's death. I could not even begin to heal until the court process was over. You are completely normal.

Brenda - Also, the pain we feel is like nothing we ever thought existed before. It is all-encompassing. But then, a little bit of light shows through in the form of "Wow, I actually went a whole minute without thinking about Brian's death!" These "Moments of Light" turn into 2 minutes then 3 and then you may slide. This journey is like nothing I have ever experienced, but I am here to tell you that we can survive this. It may not seem like it now, but you will.

Sometimes we live one breath at a time. Literally.

Consider yourself hugged.

Carol - I am sending all the prayers I can to your bedside. You are becoming a pro at this and I am sorry for that. Please consider yourself hugged also.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

My friend Marion called at 9:00 to see if I wanted to walk over to the old parking lot a block away where the lumber yard used to be. Most years, several families and folks gather there as it is prime for viewing the next town over's fireworks display. So she brought chairs, I brought mosquito repellent and we went to our spot. Well, we were the only two there, hilarious. And the show started way late, and seemed pretty meager, so we got up and put the chairs in the bags and all of a sudden there was the show. So we got comfy again and watched, the show was quite nice. I know our Angels had such good views of the fireworks. Eri loved going to see the show each year, every year deciding which kind was her favorite. I tried to guess tonight, which ones she would have liked best.

Happy Fourth All, may we see a peaceful world one day soon.

[BrendaDup59]

Well I made it through another holiday with out my son, boy they are hard, I made dinner for my mom and sister well my hubby helped and we packed it up and took it over to my mom , she was surprised and it was nice getting out but I wasn't able to stay long as I had to get back before the fire works started because of Baily and last night was worse, next year I am getting something a little stronger to give her , the poor thing. anyway ...my husband Mike ran into my DL Sarah Brett's wife at the store and she would try to avoid him so he walked up to her and said Hi and ask how she was , she turned her back to him and would not answer! . so I know she is behind what is going on, I cant even get to my son to speak with him, It just really added to my mood last night. I keep being told to let him go, he will come around, well I already lost one son so how do I do it ? and if he can put me through this at this time I just don't see him coming back any time soon and it just hurts that much worse. I miss my grand kids so much they had the first set of twins in our family and I have not been able to get close to them since they were born, they will be 3 at the end of the month, I had ask her to be there when they were born she would not tell me when I just get a call she is having them but her mom got to be there ,at that time Brett was in the army and stationed at Fort Campbell. she also would not let me be there when my son came home from Iraq, I had always wanted to see that , but she once again would not give me a date. so as long as she controls him I will not be able to share him or my grand children, and what is really sad is she is the one who kept my sons from being close, no matter what Brian did, my son died trying to get the love and approval from his dad (my X) and his brother, Brian loved his family, always would try and include us in his children's lives, and he is gone, I just hate the way my life has turned out with my 2 older sons, one is gone and the other is gone by choice. so sad, well I just wanted to thank all of you for reaching out to me , means so much to not feel so alone on this horrible road.Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[ericasmom]

Brenda, that dil sounds like a very destructive woman. Is there any reaching out to her mother to find out what the problem is? I'll bet she wove a story that her mom believes and has no idea that her girl is responsible for no contact. I wonder to if she fabricated some kind of story for your Son while he was away in Iraq so that he feels that being with you would be detrimental to his life. I am seriously thinking that this woman is not just a control freak but a boarderline kind of personality where she believes she is at the center of all things. I am so sorry for this sad time in your life. Is there any way to send your Son a message to his place of employment so that she cannot intervene?