Loss of an Adult Child

[westleysmom]

Dee-Susan and I had a nice day shopping and talking Saturday. She is the friend whose son Andrew died on New Year's Day before Westley died on January 13, and we seem to always be tracking each other as far as how we are doing up and down. Just when you think you're doing better, a dark day will come. I thought that was a clematis flower and someone else said so, so pretty. I hope you get some rain soon.

Jenn-I'm so sorry about your little dog.

Amy-I lost my dad 6 years ago in July, I had forgotten that you and I had that in common as well as Ashley and Westley within a month in 2010. I would forget my name if I didn't have to sign it on checks and stuff, though. I used to get really sad from about Father's Day (we knew it would be his last in 2006 and it was very hard knowledge to have) until Daddy's angel date July 16. I think my sadness is still there for him, but it has been put on a back burner ever since Westley died. I don't go to the cemetery where Daddy is buried hardly at all, and I go to Westley's every Sunday almost. At first I felt like I couldn't face Daddy, how could I tell him that I had let Westley die? What kind of mother would he think I was now that I had failed so miserably? Sounds crazy I know, but that's how I felt and for the most part still feel. I hope your husband gets good news from his tests.

Sherry-I love to hear owls, but don't get to very much. They're kind of freaky to see though, the way they turn their heads around. I'm glad you got a little rain.

Linda-I'm sorry that you didn't get to collect the dogs, but glad you got to see Kylie. I always hear that you don't forgive people for them to feel better, but for you to feel better. I think its nice of you to reach out to them, even if they don't deserve your kindness, maybe especially since they don't.

Gretchen-So sweet, the names after your Forrest and his girl. Your words to Lance's Mom were so nice too and made me cry. I'm very sorry to hear about your Dad.

Kate-Hope things start drying out there soon and it warms up at least a little.

Thinking of you all today and hoping you find something that makes you smile in it.

[mysonrich]

Hello everyone, I just wanted to share this email with you all. The first written by me. the second, a reply.

Hi Pierre, I listen to you everyday and have for years which takes me back to the beginning of life with my kids. Don't worry, this won't take long! Back in the day of mmr and the Zoo me and my kids would listen every morning at a chance to win prizes or money prizes, $1000.00, before we headed out to school and work. We never won but it is a great memory. Running around getting dressed,eating and listening to the radio waiting for the clue, the time to call in. Years went by and we still listened and I believe my kids taste in music was largely influenced by mmr. Time marches on.....My daughter graduates from Temple and is into her own thing,being a teacher and NPR ( I know,right!)

My son grows up and graduates high school and vo-tech school. He was into car's and takes a job with an auto body repair shop.

Not much time goes by and he calls me to tell me he got tickets to Metallica. I was happy for him. Metallica was not my favorites but as we cruised down the road Rich would humor me and let me listen to The Boss if I listened to his music. I did and I listened closely. I learned from his music. I leaned from Rich.

After the Metallica concert in Philly January 17,2009, about 5-6 hours later my Rich died. God knows why he chose to take him at such a young age; 20. He died in his sleep from cardiac dysrhythmia . Rich's last email to me was all about the show he was going to see, " the biggest,best show I have been to so far". Pierre, our hearts will always be broken and we will forever miss Rich till we see him again. I truly believe he stops by once in a while. Its his spirit that flies on the wing of a hawk, the roar of the ocean. the dream.

So, June 14th is Rich's birthday and I think it would be great if you could play some Metallica. The last song Rich asked me to listen to was actually Simple Man. That might just do me in though.

You pick a song Pierre and I will be eternally grateful. I listen off and on all day. The best time would be 1 in the afternoon.

We called Rich bubba bui. that name became part of him.

I'll let you go now.

thanks for the memories Pierre.

Richs Mom.

Dear Betsy,

Recently you sent me an e-mail requesting a block of Metallica. As fate would have it, I’m going to play your block today and send it out to you! I’m not sure if you will be near a radio, but hopefully this little announcement I’m sending you over the ‘fancy thinkin’ box’ (the computer) will alert you and help you catch your tunes. Thanks for writing and requesting a work force block and I hope you’re having a happy day!

Cheers,

Pierre

[briansdad]

JUST CHECKING IN TO LET YOU ALL KNOW I'M STILL KICKIN.

GREG

[Jeff's Mom]

Greg, can this be a future Master Angler in the making? Not too shabby if I do say so! Good for her...awesome.

Betsy... I know that your special day is tomorrow. So glad that Pierre played your set from Metallica. Hope you are doing okay.

Well, the sun is shining at long last. Off to run some errands. Take care everyone.

Kate

[517958]

Lance's Mom - I've been reading your posts and am just getting the chance to reply now. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy, Lance. I lost my 5 year-old daughter Charlotte last July 6th. She drowned in a swimming pool after somoene that was there removed her life jacket while my husband stepped away for a minute to care for my other child. I can relate to feeling that I must have done something to deserve this horrible life sentance I've been given. The sentance to always live with sadness in my heart and to always have to wonder what could have been. I do feel fortunate to have my two surviving children. They keep me going when I feel like giving up. My husband and I have aldo decided that we want to try for another baby. We know that we could have a hundred more babies and never have one like Char. We want another person in our lives to love and care for. We want another brother or sister for our surviving children and for Charlotte. I know that some of the people that don't understand what this loss means, might think I'm trying to replace Char but that will never be the case. God broke the mold when he made her. Know that you aren't alone on this terrible journey. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you.

[mikesmomrs]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RICH...may you have a wonderful, heavenly birthday with all of our angels surrounding you in celebration. Please surround your mom with your sweet spirit and let her know that you love her and are with her, always.

Betsy, thinking of you and smiling over the reply from the radio station's Pierre. I know you will enjoy hearing the sounds that pleased Rich so much.

[ericasmom]

Greg, so glad to see your Beautiful Grandgirl. Glad to know you are indeed, still kicking.

Linda, as far as the dog is concerned, I would let that go. I don't think you need any more issues with your Son, so maybe just focus on the good that has been borne from the encounters with your two Boys...

Char's Mom, what nice words you left here today, your support of Lance's Mom is a lovely. I wish you some peace as you go forward.

Betsy, how extremely cool that you wrote to the station and that they wrote back to play the music you hoped for. What great ways the world responds sometimes. May you listen with full heart and knowing that Rich is smiling.

Kate and Rhonda, yep, a gorgeous clematis plant that has been very generous with her blooms this year, more of them and blooming longer than in the past. Lovely.

Amy, fingers crossed and prayers said that your Husband does get good news from his tests, that said, I have two friends that had prostate and were treated and have been fine for a long while since.

Jenn, we are scorched here too, no rain for a long while. I hope we don't then get a deluge, just a few nights of long slow rain.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Happy Birthday, RICH!!

May God bless you, Betsy, and I hope his spirit will reach out and touch you in a special way to let you

know he's near!

Had my appointment with the neurosurgeon today, and my surgery, completely removing one vertebrae (C6) and two disks (C5 and C7) will be on June 26th. I may still need a second surgery on my elbow, but it can wait, and see what kind of relief I get from this surgery first.

I wrote, thought I should while I could, to DelDot yesterday, and once again asked about reducing the speed limit, and was told NO in no uncertain terms. While they understand and sympathize with my situation.... blah blah blah, there is nothing more they can do.

I wrote to the next county, who had agreed to reduce the limit on their road just south of here, (same road as it crosses state lines) and asked them if they could possibly reduce their side without waiting on DE, to see if that would give DE the 'reasoning' to do something! I don't know if that will have any effect or not, but I had to try.

[mikesmomrs]

To all: the last day or three have been faily high maintenance care days for hubby. He's doing "okay," but his lack of appetite is truly contributing to his being weak and having frequent bouts of nausea throughout the day. Thus, I've not been posting much, although I have managed to read. Thinking of all of you, holding you close in prayer and thought, as always, and sending love and comfort to all.

Amy, praying for a good outcome for hubby's tests; keep us posted. I hope Katie has fun in NYC. Any plans for baseball games with her this summer? We haven't been to but a few, and do miss going, but too many other things are taking precedence right now. We hope to go to one soon, though. Linda, so sorry that you have to deal with all that you do regarding your dogs and your son's "conditions" to your being allowed to see your granddaughter. I am so glad, though, that you got to see her, and that your other son and your MIL appreciated your gifts to them that contained some of Robert's ashes. I do understand your feelings though, about how you can "hate" them and yet feel for their sorrow at the same time. I don't like to see people hurting, either. Bravo to you for overcoming your feelings to try to help another. Robert is proud of you. Leslie: your Lance is so beautiful. Your reasons for deciding to have or not to have another child are your own, and no one had the right to influence you in any way, though I am sure there are many who are ready to step up to the plate and say their opinion about it. Jenn: I too am so sorry to hear about your sweet doggie. Rhonda: I am so glad that you were able to get together with Susan. I am so very sorry for your shared grief, but am glad taht you are able to bring comfort and understanding to each other. Gretchen: So happy to hear of the honor bestowed on your Forest and his girl by carrying on their names. How loving a thing to do. I am also sorry to hear about your dad. Sending prayers. Greg: Where have you stashed little Alyssa and WHO is that beauty in your boat? Brian is beaming, I'm sure! She is lovely. Kate: So very sorry you are inundated with water. Glad to hear that the sun seems to be coming back. We've had some good showers here, with a few times threatening to be too much of a good thing, but so far, they've held off from being too much. Finally got some hanging plantars done, thanks to my daughter Cathi's help. It does make the yard look nicer. I so very much miss our old yard where we used to live. It just became too much to care for, but I do miss the outcome of all of our work. We drove over there the other day to say hello to some of our former neighbors, and I noticed the new owners of our home have let the front side yard to terribly. I do agree it was a bear to keep looking good and we must have spent a ton of money trying to control it (It was much to steep to mow, so we planted perennial gardens over it, with some ground cover, eventually), and it was sad to see it all taken over by wild brush and sumac trees. Can't even see the prennials any longer. However, the rest of the yard looked beautiful, and all the trees that we planted over the 19 years we lived there are just huge and such a wonderful site to see and know that we are responsible for that having been done. It was nice to see the neighbors and they were happy to see us, as well, so the trip was worth it. Sherry: We were sitting out in our front yard the other afternoon and hubby said he heard some owls in the trees behind us. I could not hear them, though (have a low-tone hearing deficiency), but he said it was nice to hear them, though spooky. Dee: the color of the clematis is just gorgeous. Cathi has a beautiful plum colored one, climbing over an arch at the end of her driveway. I think I had mentioned before that her garden is very eclectic, and when something like this blooms so beautifully, it really stands out. Becky: Thank you so much for sharing the pics of your beautiful yard, and of the duck eggs. Your yard truly shows all of the love you've put into it over the years. Our yard in our old house was one in which we started out with a blank slate of dirt, as well. Over the 19 years we lived there, we planted many trees, shrubs and perennials. I truly loved it, but it just became, along with the house, just too much for the two of us to upkeep and that is why we downsized and moved here. I love our yard here, as well, but it is not as private as our old one, though it is quite nice with many trees and on a huge corner lot so we get more privacy than some others not so large. My plantings here are somewhat more limited, as I cannot let it get to be too much for me again...I refuse to move again! lol! I will post a picture of our yard at the old place, looking out from besie our side door to the front. Char's mom: your decision to have another baby or not is, like Lance's mom and dad, your and your husband's decision to make for whatever reason you deem to be the one that is coming from your own heart. No one else should weigh in on this decision. Sending love and hugs to you. Maddy: I love the idea to plant the tree for Rachael on Father's day...how wonderful. Rachael will be right there with all of you, smiling and happy for you all and pleased with how you are remembering her always. Trudi: Hugs and love to you, my friend. Holding you close. Lily: I too am so very glad that you have left the abusive boyfriend. I wish you much love and strength to face your days ahead. Brenda: Thank you so much for sharing the pic of Brian's children. They are beautiful. Who is holding the baby? Sandra: (Sarah'smoma) You don't ever get "over" losing your child, and those who expect that you will, just don't understand, and hopefully for their sakes, never will. The only way to understand this loss is to have it happen to you. You don't get "over" it, but you do eventually get "through" it, to the other side of your life, the "new normal" that you will find in your life. You will find a way to smile again, to actually laugh again, and it will feel strange to you at first. The grief will always be with you, but it will soften over time, but certainly not in this short of a time as you are in now. My prayers and love are with you. Keep coming to BI, we are here to talk to, to listen to you. Always.

Leah, Susan, Diane, Louise (beautiful letter to Jilly), Betty (are you back from your trip yet?), Lorri, and any I may have forgotten...sending love and comfort to all of you. Holding you close, always in prayer and good thoughts.

[mysonrich]

Thankyou Carol, Kate and Dee. I was really surprised to open my email andsee a “ Greetings Citizen” ,( he opens his show with thisgreeting though citizens)from Pierre not more than 24 hours after Iwrote to him. The block was played a day early but programing isprograming right. I missed the tribute but no worries. Before Iopened my email again I had another email with a mp3. To listen to.

Thereare times that I see Richs classmates around town and I think,”they are older. They look like men now”. My son will always be 20years old. Till the day I die I will wish there were a way to turnback time and see a problem and fix it. And we all feel that way .

Meand Sarah attended my nieces wedding on the 9^th which leftme physical drained and emotionally spent. We left Friday morning forMemphis and returned on Sunday. Very busy,busy days. The weddingceremony was beautiful because the bride and groom were beautiful! Iwas able to take pictures in the church as long as there was no flashand no click,click,click and I didn't pop out of the flowers for abetter shot. I am not going to share any photos because I'm not sure

how the new Mr and Mrs would feel about it.

Duringthe reception I had to leave and spend time alone. I'm not sure whatcame over me except it wasn't a deep sadness but a missing of thepeople that were not there. Rich. My sister. My Mom. Sarah went outwith her cousin and others to Beale Street so that made up for mebeing a drag I hope.

Ihave a lot of reading to catch up on so first I would like to say....

Happyheavenly Birthday, Racheal !

Istarted dinner so I better go check on that.

Ihave sent a PM of the mp3 for those that wish to listen.

[BrendaDup59]

Hi Mikesmomrs, you ask who was holding the baby , that is Justin my oldest grandson, my son Brian has been in his life since he was about 2 ,the other children are my sons there is Justin, Jakob, Jayden,Jordan, Joseph and our little Jaci .

Today I sat and put every picture I could find on my computer of my son on a digital frame for my DL and grand children, I am giving it to her Saturday when we go to see them she is having a big birthday party for 4 of them since there birthdays all fall in June and July. I cant wait to see them. well still no word from my son Brett. his wife did call me a couple of weeks ago and I was so cought off guard that I made the mistake of talking to her and I think I just made things worse. I was so mad at myself for thinking I could talk to her. ever since she has been in his life he has been a different person, and what really hurts is my grand children that are kept from me. maybe someday he will grow up but I'm afraid as long as she is in the picture he will never be apart of my family so sad. I miss him so much ,

one of my DL friends was joking and ask me to draw her a baby girl owl? well I found this reference picture and spent last night doing this one for her ,she said she loved it, so I am taking it to her this weekend, I hope to get back into my drawing as my goal is to draw my son Brian that is when I can look at his picture without crying my eyes out. I know it will be awhile . anyway I hope everyone has a good evening . Thinking of all of you Love Brenda

the first 2 pictures are of Justin when Brian first came into his life, then my GD Jayden, then Joseph, Jordan pre-school Grad ,Justin now, Jakob camping, my girls on mothers day(Jayden and Jaci) and my last drawing

[daveydow1]

Betsy----So nice that you contacted Pierre , and that he emailed back, and that you got

to hear the Metallica block. My son, David, also liked Metallica, and went to see them

once with my older son. He was crazy about the concert. He loved all those heavy metal

"hair bands' of the 80's. I so know what you mean about the wedding. It is especially

heart-wrenching to go to a wedding and know that your own child will never have one

of their own. Very sad, indeed. I think that you handled it well, though, even as you were

having your own painful feelings. Prayers as you come to Rich's brithday tomorrow.

May he smile down and warm your heart.

Rhonda------I share your sorrowful memories of your dear dad's last Fathers Day 6 yrs.

ago. It is so very sad, I know. My dad died of esophagus cancer in '94 , and we, in the

family, knew it would be his last Fathers Day. He died 2 mo. later. Something that still

haunts me........I visited with him often before Fathers Day, and we talked about it. He

told me not to get him anything for Fathers Day. I wanted soooo much to please him

that I didn't get him anything......(although I always did in previous years). I think that I

gave him a card, but now can't really remember whether I did or not. Then he died, and

even today, I still wonder and second-guess myself, and scold myself for not giving him

something that one last time. I feel so guilty. So many things to regret in this life, isn't

there? Anyhow........yep----owls are great to hear, but the 'head-turning' thing is a bit

spooky ,.....I agree.

Kate-----I sure hope that your rain stops. We're waiting for some more rain now, but the

forcast doesn't really call for any. the last one, several days ago will help keep things

going in the fields & gardens until the next one comes along......hopefully. Oh.....arthritis....

bad stuff !! I, too, get it . Rainy weather, hot weather, it comes & goes anytime, really.

Hard to put up with. So many people have it,.....I guess it's the 'bane of man'... No fun.!!

Robertsmom....Linda-----Sorry to hear of the situation with your son and his wife. But, good

that you were able to visit with your little granddaughter, Kylie. Thanks for the pics of the

cute little dog Nikki. Sorry you weren't able to get the dogs back.

Amy---Sending thoughts & prayers for your husband, Jeff.

Carol-----Continuing to remember you & Mike in prayers, and hoping that his appetite will

return so that he can build up his strength. Illness can really knock out one's appetite,

I know. Peace to you, friend.

Dee----So nice that you have a nest of robins outside your door. I have another set of nesting

robins in the nest on the downspout elbow outside my bathroom window. I believe it is either

the same robin having a 2nd brood, or perhaps another robin taking up residence in the first

robin's nest. My husband thinks that it is the 2nd brood, though, because he spotted fledgling

robins earlier in May......learning to fly from the nest. I've heard that they can have more than

one brood in a season. So, anyhow......I have a new robin family out there. No owls hoots

last night, but that's not unusual. Sometimes it's quite awhile between times when I hear them,

and usually very early a.m........like 4 or 5 a.m., so maybe they 'hoot' sometimes and I am

sleeping deeply, and don't hear them. I love clematis.....we had one once, but don't have one

here. The garden centers around here have so many pots and hanging baskets of flowers

that are stressed and dying or dead. I think its because of the unusually hot weather we had

in March, and that forced them to bloom too early. We did manage to get 3 baskets, and

some flowers (geraniums) for Dave and Lisa's graves........red for his,.....pink for hers., and

pansies for my dad's grave.

Gretchen-----I love the names of the sweet babies.

Greg----Good to see Brian, and his sweet little girl.

Jenn-----I'm so very sorry about your little dog. I sure know what you mean about the heartache

it causes to lose a pet. They give us so much unconditional comfort and love. I cried my eyes

out when my beloved kitty, Brownie, had to be put to sleep last Nov. (she was 15 and had cancer).

We had her ever since she was a tiny little kitten. Your little dog gave you so much love.......I'm sorry.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Brenda---- I think that we posted at the same time. Thanks for posting the pics of your lovely family.

[mrsduc]

My son Tom on Saturday decided that he no longer wanted Robert's computer and asked me if I wanted it and I jumped at the chance to have it. It is a Mac which I know nothing about at all. But I am slowly learning a few things and I found some new pictures of him that I had lost and some I had never seen. If anyone knows could they please tell me how can I delete some photos. There are some naked pictures of my son;s private area that I think I would rather get rid of but I do not know how. Then I think that I will put his computer in his suitcase with alot of other momentos that I have of his. I know that I am in a very deep depression but I do not know how to get out of it. I went to the ciropractor because I am in constant pain that makes it hard to walk or sit or do anything and it has been going on for so long I could not tell the doctor when it started. I saw him three years ago and I know that it is worse because he said that I am so tight and there is so much wrong with my back. I think that I want to now go see my orthropedic doctor who specialises in the spine area. I just am tired of doing bandaid repairs on my back anymore. I want them to take me serious and do something now before it gets so bad and I am bedridden for life (which is almost what I am now). But it is hard for doctors to want to help me because I don't have insurance and they don't seem to like it that I pay cash. So they refuse to do some tests that others would get and that would help them know what is going on with me. It is so frustrating. I know that some of the test are expensive so I might not be able to get some of the test done right away. I would have to save a little before i could get the test so I could pay. But I feel I should be given the choose. I hope that I may someday be able to look at Robert without crying. I smile but with tears at the same time. I miss him so much. I told Donald when we were coming home from Chris's house that it's times like this that I want to be able to run home and pick up the phone and call Robert to tell him about my day. But I can't do that anymore. No matter how close I get to my other boys (which I know that it will only be superficial because that is how they want it) they can never take Robert's place and I do not expect them to. I love them just the way they are. I must say that my granddaughter has been able to do the most healing for me. Just playing with her and interacting with her makes me for the time i am with her just smile in my heart. She is the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen. But I am sure ever grandmother says that. I just never know when I will be allow to see her again. I know probably Chris will be spending this coming weekend with his dad because it is father's day. I don;t know because I have not heard from him at all. I hate being hung by my heart strings so to speak and never know when or if I will see her or Chris again. But once I get more establish then I will feel more comfortable to talk to him about some kind of schedule like one day a month or whatever just so I know something and have something to look forward to. I know that sounds not good, but I have no life because we know no one where we live. We came here to take care of my mom. WHich I did and she will be dead 5 years this Aug. but now Donald is taking care of my dad and it is a 7 day a week job and he goes over twice a day to check on him and bring him food. Not that he eats it. But we try to make sure he has everything he needs and we are keeping a close eye on him to see if now is the time that we might have to move in with him. But right now still he is all right to be by himself. So many things to deal with. They say God does not give us anymore then we can handle but I have had so many things on my plate for so long that I would not know the meaning of not worry or relax. And what I feel has put me completely over the edge (so to speak) is Robert's death. I know that Robert did it to himself, but I feel that God did not have to choose that it was time for him to die. I feel like i am being punished for some reason. Like over and over again I have not learned something and that is why I keep getting really hurt when I love someone so bad. And Robert was my deepest love. Much deeper and different then how I love Donald. He was my flesh and blood, but after all the things that him and I had gone thru and worked through we became best friends. Did he get on my nervous at times, did he use me as a therapy session and drain me after alot of our talks? YES to all. But I understood him and it brought us closer. I wish I had done something or gone out there and helped him. But then I realize that all I would of been doing was prolonging his agony and he would of killed himself at another time and I would still be going through this pain. Well thank you all for letting me vent and I am so sorry that right now I am not able to help any of you all. But it does not mean I do not read your post and feel everyone of your pains. I do not understand how it feels to loose a child from a car accident, illness, murder, but I do understand what it feels like to just loose a child that you loved so much. One minute they are there and the next your world as you knew it is gone forever. No mommie's kiss can make it better this time.

[ericasmom]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RICH- A Day to celebrate as you entered this world bringing great joy. That joy shall always be carried in the hearts of those who love and know you. Make sure you celebrate with those loved ones RIch, let them know that you are ever-present.

Betsy, I do think that Rich is showing the others and saying, " look, that one is my MOM, the one that wrote to the radio station."

Eri will play some Metallica with you, her first concert at age 10 was a Metallica Concert.

[ericasmom]

DAVEY

DAVEY

DAVEY---Sweet David, you are missed so dearly by your Family. This date the painful reminder of your leaving 9 years ago. Please make sure your parents feel your presence letting them know of your continued and forever love and devotion.

Sherry, I am walking along with you my Friend, as you enter this anniversary with heavy heart, I am right there with you and one month behind you. Nine years is an impossibly long time, and yet, in the scheme of things, where our Angels are, time does not make a difference. Love does.

[Jeff's Mom]

Rich...Davey...party on! You will never be forgotten. Your memory lives on. Thinking of your family and friends as they go about this special day. Love and memories endure.

Kate

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thinking of you, Sherry, on Davey's going home date... I haven't had that first yet, so can't imagine, but we are here thinking of him and you! ((hugs))

I haven't seen the mamma duck since early morning. It rained off and on yesterday and part of today, so nobody has bothered her, and I have tried to watch from the window to see if she would return, but no sign of her. Strange... would she stay out during the day and return at night? We saw her leaving real early this am, like before 7, as I had to get up to put the trash out.

I will look for her tomorrow morning, as I have to get up and go get bloodwork done, and a chest xray before my scheduled surgery on the 26th.

[mikesmomrs]

DAVEY...you are never forgotten; always, always loved. Please surround your mom and dad today with love and your soft, sweet presence. Sherry: holding you close and sending comfort and love on this day.

[LoriJ]

Betsy- could I hear your song? Simple Man happened to be one of Andy and my songs (I realize it's not Simple Man)

[LoriJ]

Jenn-Where in Indiana are you? I'm in between Kokomo and Tipton. I wanted to tell you I'm so sorry about your sweet dog. I know they are like our children too. If you haven't seen it look up the poem RAINBOW BRIDGE. Just after we lost Andy we lost his favorite Cat to our country road. I like to think he wanted Tucker with him. But it's rough. I still find myself looking for both of them.

I have such a short memory..

Maddy, I don't think we have met on here yet and I was gone over the weekend and have been busy working on a fundraiser we are having this weekend. But my heart and Prayers and with you.

I'm so sorry...my memory is shot...I LOVE the garden! JD's mom? That is so beautiful.

Now I know why I never got in trouble...I was the youngest and by the time my parents went through all the names...lol...they never got to mine short memories must have ran in my family. I do read and pray for each and every one...then I come to respond in writing and my mind just goes blank with names. I feel like such a dunce. Please forgive me and know that that is typically not me and it doesn't mean that you all are not important. It just means I can't remember a darn thing for any time at all. I feel like I should just stay quiet then but I AM THINKING OF EVERYONE AND I DO CARE. I'm sorry...

[mysonrich]

Sherry,I realize the time-lines don't match up, the years don't coincidewith your beautiful boy leaving this earth and entering to thelargest and knowing scheme of eternal life and that of Rich beingborn on this date that you and I share, but the words to this song comes to mindwhen I think of life and death;

And when I die, and when I'm gone,

There'll be one child born

In this world to carry on,

to carry on.

I hope that that today, while you go about your day that there is something out of the ordinary that catches your eye, your senses and you know that Davey is near.

Davey,Davey,Davey.Saying your name out-loud!

[shorty16]

Davey,

Davey,

Davey

We are saying your name loud and clear.

My thoughts are with you today, Sherry and Denny.

Consider yourself hugged!!!!

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[shorty16]

Rich,

Rich,

Rich

Happy Heavenly Birthday

Sending you a hug, Betsy

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[westleysmom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Rich!

Holding you close in my heart today Betsy. We miss them always.

[westleysmom]

Davey, you are forever loved and missed, on your angel date and every day.

Thinking of you Sherry and hoping that you feel Davey's and Lisa's presence today and always.

[BrendaDup59]

Happy Birthday Rich.

[hotrod]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RICH

PLEASE CONTINUE TO

TOUCH MOM WITH THE WARMTH OF YOUR SPIRIT

[hotrod]

DEAR DAVEY

REMEMBERING YOUR BEAUTIFUL SPIRIT

ON THIS YOUR ANGEL DAY

[westleysmom]

Greg-It is so good to see you are still kicking and to see the beautiful Alyssa, fishing like her Dad! She has grown up so much, it is hard to believe how quickly time flies, even as it seems that time has stopped for us.

I have already had a little meltdown today and just wanted to tell you all about it. When Westley was born, I wanted to quit working, but we bought a new house and I went back to work when he was 4 months old. My sister in law had kept my daughter at my house when she was little, she's 3 1/2 years older than Westley, but she was getting ready for preschool by then, so the lady across the street watched Westley from the time I went back to work until both kids wer old enough to stay home alone in the afternoons. I took them to school, and Margaret got them off the bus in the afternoons, since the new house wasn't that far away from her. She kept another boy, his name was Christopher and he was an only child, a year older than Westley. Christopher was killed in a single car accident in 2009, I believe it was. I didn't know his mother that well, and I never contacted her when Christopher died. Then Westley died in 2010. This morning my husband called and said that Margaret had passed away, and for some reason it really hit me hard. Margaret is getting to see Christopher and Westley again today. She was an older lady, and could be pretty strict with them, but she had to or they would have torn her house down. She had raised three boys of her own, the youngest had died probably 15 years ago or so, he was a friend of my husband's and we all worked together in the early 80s. She could cook white beans and stewed potatoes and cornbread, and she taught Westley to eat hot dogs with mashed potatoes, one of his favorite things. He would cover the whole pile with ketchup, I could never keep enough ketchup and still find myself with bottles that haven't been opened that have expired because I always mindlessly pick up a bottle when its on sale, forgetting that we don't even eat it that much. I think I didn't mind that she could be so strict, because I didn't want the situation that a lot of moms have with private sitters where their kid seems to love the sitter more than the Mom! And now she's gone, her son cuts the hay in our back field and we will have to go to the funeral home and I expect to have a meltdown there, so maybe the more I cry before I go, the smaller the meltdown will be. Thank you Margaret for keeping my babies safe all that time and give my baby boy a big hug and a plate of hot dogs and mashed potatoes with ketchup.

[mikesmomrs]

Rhonda...tears fell as I read your so very touching, heart-rending post. I wish I could sit with you right now, hold your hand, and let you cry til the cows comes home, if need be. Sending love and hugs to you, dear friend. Those memorable things can just sneak up on you and knock you down, but your Margaret's death was a bulldozer that knocked you out cold! Prayers for her family, as well.

[ericasmom]

Carol, hoping that Mike gains an appetite and some strength. I am so happy that Cathi helped with the flower pots, makes everything have a touch of magic somehow. How are you doing, your back? How are Davis and all of the kids?

Rhonda, the death of Westley's caretaker is another connection to the time that was your past. It is hard to find ways to bridge those connections when they disappear, but memories, I think, are the bridge. I write them as I am afraid of my memory's capability, of losing some of the sharpness, so I write in my journals knowing that capturing the thoughts on paper will keep some foggier thoughts in my view. It sounds as though Margaret had some deep loss in losing two of the boys she did day-care for and then her own Boy. She is in the arms of Angels now, all those she has loved have greeted her, surrounded her, and she is made joyous. Blessings to you, letting the salt rivers run from us is necessity, it allows more room and space in which to live.

As we approach the ninth year mark of Eri's leaving, just as Sherry and Denny are facing today, I become more tearful of course. It is hard to believe that nine years have passed since ERi walked the earth with her loud laugh and her wide smile, it was nine years ago last weekend that she attended Bonaroo, the outdoor concert in Tennessee. That weekend was filled with magic for Erz. She asked me in February or March of that year if I would buy her tickets to go to Bonaroo with her friends. It could be a birthday gift, I tried but they were already sold out. So she moped some but figured that next year she would jump on it earlier. Turned out though one of her friends who ordered 5 tickets received 6 in the mail. Eri called me screaming with joy that she gets to go afterall, that a mistake, a happy-mistake was made and her friend received an extra ticket. The friends said, if ERi drove, that they would all pitch in on gas. So ERi drove her ancient Cadillac and never had a better time. Her words, " I have never had a better time in my life Mom." Music really to my heart. And as many of you know, Neil Young is one of my all-time favorite musicians, ERi and Jon heard him all their lives but never loved him...well Neil was her favorite musician thereat Bonaroo because she could not believe his ability to jam on stage for 4 hours and just meander into the next song and the next song. My heart made to jump up and down when she said, "MOM, he is so old but he is so energetic." And because of that, I thank the allignment of stars that allowed my Daughter the BEST TIME OF HER LIFE, somehow, someone made sure that before she left the earth, she would enjoy a three day concert with her beloved friends.

Thank you Angels.

[LoriJ]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RICH! Betsy may you be wrapped in his presence today. I'm sure he will be with you listening to those songs right next to you! ((HUGS))

Happy AngelDay Davey! As you celebrate your homecoming don't forget to make sure your parents know you're okay and happy and how much you are still with them and love them.

[LoriJ]

Dear Children in Heaven,

I'm noticing there is so much reason for celebration up there right now. I can picture all of you dancing and singing. Oh how I wish I could be there! (As I'm sure all the other parents do too) What an amazing place and an amazing time you must be having! Walking side by side with lions, meeting the Lord Jesus, and wow all the people who have gone before us. I'd have so many questions...there are so many of them I'd love to see again and so many I'd just plain love to meet and YOU you get to already! It must be beyond our wildest imaginations. Please know that if you see us crying today it's only because we miss you so much and it's hard for us to let go of all of the dreams we had for you here on Earth. You are our babies and always will be. That's something that will never change in our hearts and souls. So if you can find the time to include us somehow still in your daily lives in heaven, just to let us know how you are. Remember how we as parents are...we have this need to know you're okay and happy. As long as we can know this from you..a little sign will do. It will help us make it through til we can see you face to face once more and join you in those wonderful celebrations.

-Love Andy's mom

[Jeff's Mom]

That was very nice Lori and Dee. Thanks for sharing.

My heart goes out to everyone today that is feeling saddened by their loss. How could we possibly cope without our memories? And yet so often they can send us into a downward spiral when we are feeling blue. I am off to a wedding on Saturday that I have been dreading for some time now. My mind will be flooded with memories of a time when the guys were kids and there was so much activity and laughter in our home. And yet there are also times that the memories help to soften the sadness. A smile will creep across my face and I will start to laugh when I recall goofy things Jeff did. To watch his friends grow and mature and eventually marry and start families is still really hard for me to accept. I feel somehow as if he is locked in a time warp of a kind. That life has stood still since that fateful day. And in many ways it has for us. And then when I see how time clips along and life continues for others I know I have a lot of work still ahead to do on this grieving process. There was a time that special occasions were very hectic in our home. We raced around shopping for groceries and preparing special foods. The table was always filled with family seated around and much discussion and laughter. Now they are all gone. It seems so strange to be alone like this. The last one left standing in some sort of way. And now the memories flood back of past Father's Days that were filled with fun and good times. I count my blessings and yet why do I feel so sad? It is a lonliness for sure a longing for past times. If longing were enough he would be back. It doesn't work that way. I am truly pleased that this young man is getting married. I am also grateful that they remembered Jeff at his stag party weekend at the lake. How he proudly wore Jeff's hockey sweater and they raised a glass to toast him. Still does not seem real. I just want him back. I miss him so. Plan to take Hubby out for brunch on Sunday and then prepare a nice dinner in the evening. I may even try a new recipe for dessert.

Crazy weather! More rain and thunder. Managed to get some things done before it came down in torrents again. My poor dog is lying beside me on the floor. She absolutely hates thunderstorms. Thinking of you all. Take care.

Kate

[hoosiermom]

Andy's mom--Lori

Beautiful Can't say much else after that!

Just wanted to get back with you....I live near Fairmount, my daughter Brianna is buried in the same cemetery as James Dean.

I actually have family in Tipton and Elwood!

Rich and Davey....beautiful young men, loving sons, I am honored to know you through your mothers.

Thank you all for your condolences on the loss of my dog.....for understanding....for being the amazing wonderful people that you are.

Rhonda--so sorry for the loss of your Margaret ((hugs))

Love to all Indigos

Jenn

Brianna's momma

[Maddy6]

Happy Heavenly Birthday

Rich

Remind your mom you are not far away.

Send her your love and comfort her.

Remind her you are happy and at peace

and you know how much she misses you.

[Maddy6]

Davey, Davey, Davey

Remembering you forever.

Comfort mom and

send sweet memories touching

her and allowing her to sense your

presence.

[BrendaDup59]

Dear Children in Heaven,

I'm noticing there is so much reason for celebration up there right now. I can picture all of you dancing and singing. Oh how I wish I could be there! (As I'm sure all the other parents do too) What an amazing place and an amazing time you must be having! Walking side by side with lions, meeting the Lord Jesus, and wow all the people who have gone before us. I'd have so many questions...there are so many of them I'd love to see again and so many I'd just plain love to meet and YOU you get to already! It must be beyond our wildest imaginations. Please know that if you see us crying today it's only because we miss you so much and it's hard for us to let go of all of the dreams we had for you here on Earth. You are our babies and always will be. That's something that will never change in our hearts and souls. So if you can find the time to include us somehow still in your daily lives in heaven, just to let us know how you are. Remember how we as parents are...we have this need to know you're okay and happy. As long as we can know this from you..a little sign will do. It will help us make it through til we can see you face to face once more and join you in those wonderful celebrations.

-Love Andy's mom

Andy's mom, what a beautiful letter and so well said, it made me cry,it said everything in have heart , I have spent the last couple of hours putting every picture I can find of my son Brian on digital frames for my oldest grandson and DL to give them this weekend. and seeing his beautiful face and wonderful personality just breaks my heart that he is gone. . Thanks so much for writing that. God Bless you Love Brenda

[daveydow1]

Thanks to all of you for your dear and heartfelt words on Davey's Angel Day today.......Dee, Carol, Rhonda,

Kate, Becky, Betty, Colleen, Lori, Maddy........(I hope I haven't forgotten anyone.....if I did,.....I do apologize).

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY ,..........RICH. May your dear smile shine

down on your mom and family today and give warmth & comfort to their hearts.

Becky-----I hope that the duck does come back to her nest. Could be that it is not unusual for

a mama duck to be gone from the eggs/nest for quite awhile before coming back.

Lori----Thanks for the nice poem......something to give us hope. I know what you mean about losing

your pet cat after dear Andy passed. We lost our kitty this past Nov.......she was with us when David

was still here on earth. These pets are like 'animal kids' I call them. So dear and close to our hearts.

Keep looking for the little signs from Andy......they will come.....sometimes when you least expect them,

and they are wonderful little treasures.

Betsy----Thanks for your kind and warm message & wishes.

Rhonda-----Thanks for your story of the dear babysitter, Margaret, who watched Christopher and Westley.

They probably really liked her a lot. She sounds like a warm and loving person, and had all the compassion

of one who has lost a child, since her own son had passed. She's surely greeting Christopher and Wes now,

on the other side. Davey had a babysitter once.....Alma.....who loved him like her own child. We visited her

even after we moved and she no longer kept Davey. When he was killed, she had not found out, and I wrote

her a letter and told her. Weeks went by without any word from her. Finally, I got a letter from her and she

said how many letters she had written, torn up, started again, before she could find the words she wanted

to convey how badly she felt about his passing. She had not seen him in years after he grew up, but I still

keep in touch, and have told her how grateful I always was that he had such a wonderful person to watch

him. Wishing you peace, friend.

Kate-----Poor dog.....afraid of thunderstorms. My kitty was also afraid of storms, and would head for the

closet at the first sign of a storm.

Dee------So glad that ERi was able to go to the Bonnaroo concert.......one of the happiest days of her life.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Jeff's Mom]

Ok, so I am having the biggest meltdown yet. How am I supposed to get through this? I can't. I simply can not do it. My heart is broken in a million pieces. I miss him so much. I feel so much as if I failed as a mother. I failed to save him. Please come home, Jeff. Why God? Why? I have always tried to be a good person. Why did you rip my heart out of me? God tests me more then I can handle.

[BrendaDup59]

Kate I am so sorry your having such a hard time right now,I wish there was something I could say to help but this is a new path I have had to make myself and some days I just don't think I will make it but I have no choice as I have a 10 year old son Kaleb . I just wanted you to know I was thinking and praying for you . Love Brenda

[mikesmomrs]

Kate: sending you strength for the wedding attendance. Jeff will be there with you, holding on. It sounds like you've planned a nice day for your hubby for Sunday. I am still reeling trying to think, think, think of what to do for hubby. He doesn't eat, so no dinner, no special treat. He is not really strong enough to go out and about. Perhaps we might take a drive to the beach and just sit. Of course, much as I try not to, the fears creep into my brain that he may not be here for next year. I know I am supposed to be thinking positively, and for the most part I do, but we here know how the future just is not promised. And in his case, with his illness, we just don't know. So, I guess we will play the day by ear.

Dee: Loved the sharing of the "gift" of the ticket for Eri...how happy she was, and your description of her joy brought a smile to my heart. thank you for sharing.

Lori: Your letter is so perfect. My one wish, since the moment I held Mike's hand and he took his last breath has always been to just know that he is okay. We've had many, many signs, but still, my "mothering heart" now and again sighs in the not having him here with us, to KNOW.

Yesterday, Mike's friend Denis came over in the afternoon to spend the day and watch the game with us last night. We had subs for supper, much talk, and a good game with a win. During the discussion, we were talking about the age of some of the ballplayers currently actively playing, and of course the "near 40" issue came up, as that is when many of them are on their last days of performing. Shining in the middle of the conversation was the fact that Denis will be 38 on his next birthday, and Mike would now be 37. We then talked about balding. (I know, HOW do these conversations take the turns they sometimes do?!) Denis has not lost any hair yet but has a pretty good bit of grey. Mike had always dreaded going bald (like his dad), but he said he wouldn't mind a head full of grey hair. Mike had often said he wondered what he would look like when he turned 40, with teenagers to care for, etc. He didn't get to see that of course, and he mentioned that a few times during his illness. Of course, he joked about it...saying that he wouldn't have to deal with going bald, after all! He did lose some of his hair (radiation effects), but it seemed to be made up by his beard growing every fuller and ever redder as time progressed over that 17 months. Also, true to form, when he realized that he lost some patches of hair right behind his ears, in a triangle shape, he thought that was just so cool, as it made him look like he was from the future...straight from Star Wars! Today is Mike's oldest boy's SIXTEENTH birthday. How can it be? I pray that Mike will be able to send him some little sign that he is with him on this day, this day that meant so much to Mike and brought him such sadness to know that he would not be here with Chandler for it.

The other day, I mentioned in a post to Becky that I would post a picture of our yard at our "old place." I totally forgot to post it, but in looking for it, I of course found many more of the yard, and it brought such a longing for things "as they were," including of course, Mike's being here. Mike was a huge part of our building that house and creating so many memories in it. He helped with much of the plantings, and when we redid the stairs by taking off the carpet and doing them in oak with white risers, he proudly cut the risers at his job and brought them home. He was always so proud that he had contributed that part of the new staircase. (he was 16 when we built it) Anyway, even though we no longer live there, I just wanted to share a few pics. Later I will post a few pics of the yard we have now, which we've also done some work on, but not as much. For now, I just wanted to share my nostalgia. As you can see, we did quite a bit of planting in our previous house, as it was just about bare (except for the one big oak tree in front and the larger trees up back of the house) when the house was built, except for the surrounding areas next to our land. Young Mike helped plant at least 90% of the trees and bushes.

[mrsduc]

Kate, I sure know how you are feeling and what you are going through. But try to do what I did after I cried and cried and cried. And held onto my stomach because the pain was all the way to my soul and then some. I realized that no matter what I did my son would of died because when he was conceived God had already known when his time would be for him to die. I do not like it and I want my son back. But that is the only thing that seems to help me just alittle bit. But I found this poem that I am going to post and maybe it will help you just a little. Just remember that there are so many of us that are going through exactly what you are going through or have gotten through that part at this moment. You are not alone and sometimes if you are comfortable with anyone close on this site or know anyone that has lost a child, when you are where you are at then that is when you need to talk to people that know how you are feeling and where you are at and they can try to guide you and listen to you and maybe one day come to you and give you a hug. We all love you on this site and give you a big Internet hug because you must remember that it is not your fault that you son is dead. It had nothing to do with you. You are not a bad mom. I always think that my love could not save my son and that is when the tears come rolling out. I always thought that love could conquer all. But since Robert died it has blown that fantasy that love conquers all out the window. And alot of times especially at night I think that maybe I didn't love him right or enough and it is all my fault that he is gone and he killed himself. But I know it is not true since I have a video from him that tells me so. Plus I knew that even before he died. Your sons loved you just like you loved him. You must remember that it is not your fault that your son is dead. Please stop punishing yourself you will just go completely insane and it is not true. And try to remember you are not alone at anytime. Talk to your son, even though you do not hear him. He is listening and feeling your pain and in time you will get signs like I have to let you know that he is watching over you and that he loves you.

Ok, so I am having the biggest meltdown yet. How am I supposed to get through this? I can't. I simply can not do it. My heart is broken in a million pieces. I miss him so much. I feel so much as if I failed as a mother. I failed to save him. Please come home, Jeff. Why God? Why? I have always tried to be a good person. Why did you rip my heart out of me? God tests me more then I can handle.

[rlolheiser]

Sherry.. thinking of you..as I do often, hope you feel Davey close by and Lisa.. my heart is with you

[Jeff's Mom]

Thank you for your kindness. I feel so ashamed to be dumping this on you when you have so many issues of your own to deal with. The past month I simply can't stop thinking about him. I talk to him all the time. I dream about him and it seems as if he is right there with me. My husband is having a horrible time. He is haunted by the memory of doing CPR on him and that night. We were doing not too badly...until now. Perhaps it was the anniversary of his mother's death that triggered this. But for me it was the realization that he truly is gone and he simply not going to come home. I am also haunted by what the others went through as they slowly declined in poor health. I have honestly never been so tired in my whole life. I can't get enough sleep to satisfy me...I truly feel as if I am having a breakdown. Two weddings now. They are all moving on and his life was cut short. It is not fair.

Carol...I think of you and Ralph each and every day. My heart goes out to you and I so wish there was something that I could do to help you to ease the worry you are carrying. I think a drive to the beach would be a lovely outing for you both. Just sitting quietly together and letting the scent of the fresh air and water fill your senses is soothing. Try to take one day at a time Carol. When everything becomes overwhelming...I used to only focus on the day at hand. Please take care of yourself as well! Beautiful pics. Thanks for sharing.

[rlolheiser]

Betsy, thinking of you and Rich.. never seems to be the right thing to say .. but you and your precious angel are always in my thoughts.

[mrsduc]

A Letter From Heaven

A Letter From Heaven - Ruth Ann Mahaffey

To my dearest family, some things Id like to say.

But first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.

I'm writing this from heaven.

Here I dwell with God above.

Here, theres no more tears of sadness;

Here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.

Remember that I am with you every morning, noon and night.

That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through.

God picked me up and hugged me and He said, I welcome you.

Its good to have you back again, you were missed while you were gone.

As for your dearest family, They'll be here later on.

I need you here so badly, you are part of my plan.

There is so much that we can do, to help our mortal man.

God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.

And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.

And when you lie in bed at night the days chores put to flight.

God and I are closest to you....in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years.

Because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.

But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.

Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.

If I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.

But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is over.

I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;

But together we can do it by taking one day at a time.

It was always my philosophy and Id like it for you too;

That as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who is in sorrow and pain;

Then you can say to God at night....My day was not in vain.

And now I am contented... that my life was worthwhile.

Knowing as I passed along the way I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low;

Just lend a hand to pick them up, as on your way you go.

When you're walking down the street and you've got me on your mind;

I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

And when its time for you to go...from that body to be free.

Remember you're not going...you're coming here to me

[rlolheiser]

I haven't been on for a few days and wow.. lots of messages, I know there was some things I wanted to coment on, but my mind isn't holding info and names to well tonight.. I apologize for missing ... HOw I want to share my thoughts with you all, but find myself so tired and not able to make a lot of sense.

Had mom to the dr. again, and my grandaughter to get her into couciling.. lots of stuff to do.. I am jumping through lots of hoops ... seems so silly being that she had been here for so long, and now I have to be on display and show people I know what I am doing.. off to get my fingerprints tomorrow.. see if they can lose these... they lost the last ones I had done in December... oh well.. she is worth it...

took the kids to lunch today, the restaurant hands out baloons.. the kids were anxious to get outside... it is something they always do.. they send out their baloons to JaBoa.. somebody stopped to talk to the kids and say how sorry they were they lost their baloons, but they just smiled and said.. we didn't lose them, we sent them to JaBoa!..

Thinking of all of you.. even if I don't say it.. your all so very cared about!

[mrsduc]

Please don't feel ashamed to dump on me or anyone here. That is why this site is here. i may have issues of my own but we all have issues to deal wtih. By me reaching out to you for a short time I forget that my son is gone. I have always enjoyed trying to help people. I never seem to know what to say to people when they are hurting. But now that I have lost a son, one thing I do now is say what is on my mind all the time. May not be the best thing to do. But Robert and I always spoke honestly and told each other everything. I learned from his death that you never know when someone you love with not be with you anymore, so I try to say everything that needs to be said when I see them, like I may never see them again. If it makes them uncomfortable then that is there problem. One thing I have noticed is that siblings especially grown siblings seem to be able to move on alot better then us parents can. They have their own life to live and things and dreams that they want to do. That is what my other boys are doing. Siblings love is so different then a mothers love or a father's love for their child. I believe a mother's love is even different then a fathers love for their child because a mother carries that child for nine months and gives birth to that child, where as the father loves the child and I do not mean to say they don't, but we have nine months that we talk to our child even before they are born. I hope you know what I am saying. Now more about siblings, Tom my middle son and Robert (my died son) were so close, and Tom dealt with it and he is going with us to CA in July with his girlfriend to celebrate Robert's life for his birthday, but he has had to move on because he said that he has his girlfriend and her little girl to worry about and who he loves and she loves him and he said that he has dealt with it and it is his time to move on. So you see what I mean that siblings handle their brother or sister dying so much differently then parents do. And I think younger siblings handle death of a sibling different then grown up siblings. I hope this helps some. But remember it is just my thoughts and feelings. I am not trying to say I am right. I could be wrong. But it is what I have seen so far in my life. You are so lucky that you are able to dream about your son. Not yet have I seen my son Robert in my dreams. Everytime I get close I wake up. And I do not know why I am not being able to dream and see my son. But I do think it has alot to do with the fact that I was not allowed to see him before he was cremated because it took two weeks before he was found. So my husband and I think that might have alot to do with it. So I am glad that you dream about your son and continue to talk to him. You might also think about starting to write in a journal. I call my journal "My Robert Journal" and I write like I am talking to him. It helps me. I had a good friend tell me to start writing in a journal and it does help. Maybe you might think about it. For me I do not sleep very much since my son died in Jan. I just wonder thru the house alot and talk to Robert in my head so as not to wake up my husband. I will go and hold Robert and kiss him and talk to him and most of the time I cry when I hold him. But I find whatever I can do to get through another moment and then another hour and then another day. I want to live and try to be happy but I miss my son more then life itself. And I am sure you feel the same. But I know that your son would want you to smile when you think of him and remember things about him that made you laugh and those are the stories that you might think about writing to me or even on this site so as you try to focus on some of the good things about your son. Even though he will not be coming back to this earth and be alive no matter what we do. But you can keep him alive by talking and writing about those things that made him who he was and telling all that you come into contact with something about him. I do that everytime or everyday even if its with my husband only. I will say I think Robert would not like this or I know Robert would probably not believe I did this or I know Robert would be so proud of me for loosing all the weight that I have. things like that. And when I am out in public and talking to a neighbor or someone I always find a way to put a sentence or two about my son Robert in. I don't always tell them that he is dead but sometimes I just tell something that he did that goes with the conversation. I hope this helps and I hope you understand what I am saying.

Thank you for your kindness. I feel so ashamed to be dumping this on you when you have so many issues of your own to deal with. The past month I simply can't stop thinking about him. I talk to him all the time. I dream about him and it seems as if he is right there with me. My husband is having a horrible time. He is haunted by the memory of doing CPR on him and that night. We were doing not too badly...until now. Perhaps it was the anniversary of his mother's death that triggered this. But for me it was the realization that he truly is gone and he simply not going to come home. I am also haunted by what the others went through as they slowly declined in poor health. I have honestly never been so tired in my whole life. I can't get enough sleep to satisfy me...I truly feel as if I am having a breakdown. Two weddings now. They are all moving on and his life was cut short. It is not fair.

Carol...I think of you and Ralph each and every day. My heart goes out to you and I so wish there was something that I could do to help you to ease the worry you are carrying. I think a drive to the beach would be a lovely outing for you both. Just sitting quietly together and letting the scent of the fresh air and water fill your senses is soothing. Try to take one day at a time Carol. When everything becomes overwhelming...I used to only focus on the day at hand. Please take care of yourself as well! Beautiful pics. Thanks for sharing.