Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmum]

Just passing through...no words, just images.

[sadmomm]

love the images. those are the signs i have seen smiles in the clouds.

[LoriJ]

Just stopped in real quick to read

Gretchen- My heart goes out to you. Knowing it's coming doesn't fill that empty hole in your heart once they're gone. I'm so sorry you are having to face all of this. It may not help right now with it all be so raw and all but one thing that helps me, one of the only thing that helps me is knowing that Andy is with his Pappy and Nanny who loved him so very much. (But then sometimes it makes me want to be with all of them all the more. :\ ) I will send some extra prayers for you. (((HUGS)))

Betsy- Thiinking of you.

Jenn- Hey..I might be riding thru your area here in a few hours! I will probably stop at the store there so if you see some old lady on a bike huffing and puffing that would be me!

I am so disappointed...the walk--a-thon was a waste of time. We raised maybe $1000-$1500. Nobody showed up. We had so many CONFIRMED walkers but they didn't show. Some of the kids are determined still to raise the money. I just want to throw in the towel. Still not sleeping so I am loading up my bike and trailer and going to hit the road. If it feels right I'm going to keep going if my body decides it will sleep afterall before I get too far then I will come back and sleep. I'm heading East toward the Coast then South towards Key West (my ultimate goal) if any of you are along that way from Indiana thru Ohio, down the Carolina's etc...I'll let you know if I'm continuing and give you my cell number so you can text me...maybe we could meet. I have a much easier time when I can put faces with names! But you will have to forgive me if I stink...riding in this heat doesn't exactly make one smell pleasant after a while. I fully intend to make it to Fairmount by sunrise...whether this will be a test run or the beginning of the real ride...we'll see!

Love to all Indigos!

[Jeff's Mom]

Colleen, thinking of you today on this special day. May Brian wrap his arms around you and send his love.

Gretchen...Thinking of you and wishing you peace today as you attend your dad's funeral.

Leah...sending positive thoughts your way for a good outcome today. Let us know how it goes,ok?

Lori...so sorry that your walk-a-thon was a disappointment. Was it perhaps the heat that affected things? The most important thing is that you did it to honour your son's memory. What else really matters? He knows you did this because you loved him. And so in a sense it was a success. Hope your cycling today will help to burn off some steam. Be careful.

And yet another cloudy day with more rain coming. Cool as well. Oh well, c'est la vie.

[Wanda]

hello to all of you! I'm Wanda from SC. I lost my middle son Travis, 27 years old to a car wreck in 04/2004. I know what you may be thinking I should not need help & be well on my way to recovery... not exactly.....It never gets easier, you do learn little tricks along the way to help but there's a hole in my life & a hold on my life. I have 2 other sons sometimes watching them drive away I can barely catch my breathe. I know that our children are a gift from God & they're never ours but on loan when & if he decides to call them back we must respect that.

I, in my worse moments just thank God so much for letting me keep him for 27 years. There are parents that only got a few years some only months. I know that I was & still am truly blessed.

Yet there are days when I hurt like it was only yesterday.

[ericasmom]

BRIAN

BRIAN

BRIAN

Your name is music to your Mom and Dad, please sweep in- in your Brian way and let them feel your presence, your wonderment. Give your Sis and Bro a message of your presence, giving them that encouragement that love lives on forever. You are missed young Brian and loved forever.

[Susie_q512]

Brian - Brian - Brian.....may your mom, family and friends feels your sweet spirit surrounding them today. May they feel your angel hugs and kisses.

Well, it's here: Shannon's first Heavenly Birthday. Many mixed emotions and thoughts. Some sweet, many gut-wrenching. Don't quite know what to do with myself....still seems unreal in a way. My prayer is that she knows of my great love for her, of her great value to me, and that even in my sorrow, I am ever thankful that I was chosen and blessed to be her Mom. Sure wish I could peek in the window of Heaven and see her happy, safe and blessed beyond measure.

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Shannon. May our love and prayers find their way to your heart and wrap you in their truth and warmth. May the angels plant our kisses upon your cheeks and wrap you in our hugs.

[ericasmom]

Wanda, I am so sorry for your loss, no matter how long ago your Son was killed, it is an everyday hole in your life. Seeing your other two Sons drive off is a constant reminder of your tragic loss. Had you ever gone to therapy after your Son died? I ask only because my fears for my Son can overwhelm me at times and have dealt then with PTSD. After ERica died I went to therapy at around the 6month mark and stayed for 2 years. I felt that it was time to let that go and went back when I realized that I was having PTSD, heart palps and constant worry that was taking over, irrational, but not to someone who gets that phone call in their lives. Therapy helped me develop tools within myself to help combat some of what PTSD can do to me. Being here is also the biggest help, and staying here after so long a time is also a means to living well in the face of loss. I feel that our experiences can assist the next parent up when they find themselves here. So no matter when your tragedy happened, it happened and now is when you are reaching out to find out how to deal differently with it.

Carrie, what you are doing is part of grieving but if it becomes such that you cannot do anything but think of your Boy, then you may want to seek out a bit of help. We all, no matter the amount of time since we lost our child, think of them each day but if it is 24/7, it will make it hard to live your life outside of your ache. Sometimes we create a vacume in which to live because we feel guilty living outside the grief, or living with grief but allowing some goodness back into our lives, some light. Please know that our Babies would want us to find a way to live our lives as best we can, allowing as much happy as possible because they love us all the time. If we think of living well as a means to honor their life, we find our steps. The two year mark was a definite difficult time for me, I definitely struggled deeply to find meaning in my life. I am headed toward year number 9 anniversary, I struggle still, ERi remains my closing thought on each day, I talk to her each day and night, but in between sunrise and bedtime, I find life to be mostly good. There is much to do that can fill our hearts, and when we do, we start to repair.

Lori, I am sorry for the disappointment in the walk-a-thon. I don't know how many folks you were counting on but maybe that money can be used toward the amount you hped for. Are you peddling a bike across many states? Do you have provisions for sleep and rest? Be careful please. The heat alone can make this very chancy.

[ericasmom]

SHANNON- Ring the bells for Momma to hear as you let her know that you love her each day. May you feel peace and understanding through and through, and may you please let your Momma feel a bit of that to help her know that YOU are with her in all she does.

Susan, this day will forever be a day to feel the joy of such a wonderful Daughter coming into your life. Blessings to you.

[BrendaDup59]

Brian - Brian - Brian.....may your mom, family and friends feels your sweet spirit surrounding them today. May they feel your angel hugs and kisses.

Well, it's here: Shannon's first Heavenly Birthday. Many mixed emotions and thoughts. Some sweet, many gut-wrenching. Don't quite know what to do with myself....still seems unreal in a way. My prayer is that she knows of my great love for her, of her great value to me, and that even in my sorrow, I am ever thankful that I was chosen and blessed to be her Mom. Sure wish I could peek in the window of Heaven and see her happy, safe and blessed beyond measure.

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Shannon. May our love and prayers find their way to your heart and wrap you in their truth and warmth. May the angels plant our kisses upon your cheeks and wrap you in our hugs.

Susan , What a beautiful way to wish your daughter Happy Heavenly Birthday . I am sure she is smiling down on you and wrapping her arms around you .I will be thinking about you today.

Happy Birthday Shannon

[BrendaDup59]

Wanda , so sorry for your loss , this is a new road for me but I will always grieve and miss my beautiful son no matter how long it is. There are some days I cant even reply to post on here. I just wanted to say Hi, and you found a wonderful place to talk about your son. Take Care Brenda

[hoosiermom]

Shannon....Happy Heavenly Birthday sweet girl.....today is your day, your Momma and sister miss you but they celebrate your life, your being....send them some love today so they know you are always near

Brian.....you are missed beyond words.....I am so glad to know you through your wonderful mom....send her some love today too.

Wanda....I am so sorry for your loss, and I understand that gut wrenching feeling when you see your boys drive off. Please know that it is never "too long" for any loss of a child. My 15 year old Brianna passed on July 5, 2009 due to sepsis.

Lori....enjoy your ride, and be safe! I'm not working at the store today but I would give you a big hug if I was, stink or not!

Carrie....Dee's words are so true. July 4th has always been my favorite holiday and my girls knew this. Now, July 4th bears the title "Brianna's last day on earth". The first thing my oldest daughter told me after Brianna died was....Mom, she would want you to keep loving and celebrating the 4th, she would never want you to stop doing that. I took her words to heart and I do my very best....I watch the fireworks and think of my girl as being the brightest one in the night sky. For our children, our reunion is but a blink of the eye because time means nothing where they are, only for us does it feel like forever.

Sending love to all Indigos today

Jenn

Brianna's momma

[westleysmom]

BRIAN

BRIAN

BRIAN

Send your light and love to your Mama and family today. You are always loved and missed.

Colleen-Thinking of you and your whole family today and hoping that you feel Brian's love today and always.

[westleysmom]

Happy heavenly birthday dear sweet Shannon.

Susan-Those firsts are so so hard and we feel your pain and disbelief that this can even be real. Thinking of you and your whole family today.

[rlolheiser]

Coleen, thinking of you and your family today.. may you feel Brian closer by you today and always.

Brian.. Brian.. Brian.. always loved

[rlolheiser]

Susan, my thoughts are with you today, Shannons first Heavenly Birthday.. she is close by always. The firsts are hard.. may you feel her strength hold you high.

[westleysmom]

Gretchen-I'm so sorry for your loss of your Dad.

Trudi-Loved the pictures. Hope that things are going okay with Mal.

Wanda-I'm so sorry for your loss. It has been 2 1/2 years (almost) since my 20 year old son Westley died and I was thinking just lately how other people probably think I'm doing okay and "over it" because I try to keep busy and wonder if they would ever understand that I still cry nearly every day at some point. They wouldn't understand I'm sure, but everyone here does.

[rlolheiser]

Just popping in to say hi, I have been busy as usual. We had the carnival in town and I took the kids.. boy can they run, but they had a great time. I have to admit, so did I. Left mom at home with my husband, she was miffed, but I didn't want her to control their time.

Kate, the social workers just left here. They are happy with what I have presented them, now they send it to Williston and see what they say. They told me I was a good person to do this for their grandchild. I told them.. it is what every granparent should do.

More appointments tomorrow..

I love the pictures Trudi, thinking of you.

Carol, I hope you are doing alright. I think of you and Mike always, along with your precious angel.

So sad to see more people coming in, but so glad they are here. I know I haven't been a lot of help, but just being here helps and there are so many wonderful Indigos here that get us through the hard times. I can never thank people enough, thanks to this site I am not alone and I can miss my grandaughter outloud.

[Jeff's Mom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday...to the girl with the sweetest smile! SHANNON,wrap your loving arms around your family today and send them your love.

[ericasmom]

Leah said: thanks to this site I am not alone and I can miss my grandaughter outloud.Leah, such a good way to phrase this thought. And nonsense to your thinking you have not been much help here, you help in all the ways each of us do, by sharing in everyone's experience and voicing your thoughts.

I think that perhaps we can tell folks that don't get what we deal with day in and day out, to ask them to imagine life after losing an appendage, arm or leg. Would their daily life change? Yes. Would life be different from then on? Yes. What if everyone that knew you expected you to still be able to play basketball the same way, or swim the same way, or fix a car the same way, wouldn't you get frustrated by people's expectations? Yes. Okay then, we are missing a piece of what made us whole, so lay off on the expectations already, we are changed, tough if you don't like it, imagine how we feel.

And while missing an appendage is not nearly what we lost, it may be enough for folks to stop and think, hmmm, it would change me, the basic me is still there but I would be changed and life would take on some difficulties.

Susan and Colleen, how are you making it through this day?

[mysonrich]

Brian Brian Brain,saying your name out loud ! Colleen, keeping your son close in thought and prayer today. I hope that you and Scott were able to smile just a little bit as you took a drive around, in reflection of a time and place and the joy that Brian is.

[mysonrich]

[mysonrich]

I was outside just a few minutes ago and took this with my cell camera. As i gazed up, one gazed down,cocked its head as if to say," well, take the picture all ready"

Morning Dove

Represents Spirit and communication with Spirit through all other creatures. When the mourning dove appears there will be messages and opportunities for growth.

[mikesmomrs]

SHANNON, SWEET SHANNON...know that your mom and Ragan are holding you forever in their hearts, always on their lips and always their memories of you comfort them. They have shared your beautiful little self with us and for that we are all so thankful. Please surround your mom with your sweet and precious spirit, let her and Ragan know that you are with them always and ever more until you all meet again.

Susan, holding you close in prayer and thought. This first is a tough one, but please try to keep the sweetest of the sweet memories first and foremost today, to help you through each hour.

[lolynbo]

HARD FATHERS DAY...KOURTNEYS 4TH ANGELERSERY...DOVE RELEASE WENT WELL

[mikesmomrs]

BRIAN, BRIAN, BRAIN...you are always remembered, always missed, and your sweet memories have been shared with all of us by your wonderful mom. I wish I had known you in life, I know that your happy self would have brought moments of joy to my days.

Collen, Scot and Michelle and Aaron...sending prayers and strength to you all on this day.

[tanmanmymagicman]

thinking of you colleen and your family.........and Brian............4 years........... there is before THAT day and after THAT day.......how it changes our lives!!!!!!forever mom huggs to everyone......Tanners Mom Cindy

[mikesmomrs]

Lorri...so very sorry that you have this in your life. I saw the video...beautiful. Your beautiful Kourtney is with you, always.

[mrsduc]

I have not been on for a few days because I have had about 4 pinched nerves in my upper back and it hurt to move. The first night I couldn't even lean on anything so I could sleep. I just sat on the edge of my bed a selected for a few minutes at a time. I believe I am coming back from it slowly. But during this time I have thought of Robert more so then ever. I just still can't believe that he is gone. I think to myself when will I truly come to terms that I will never hear or see my son again. I know in some ways then for whatever reason I am trying so hard to pretend this is not true. I think it is my body and mind trying to cushion my blow somewhat. But I do know seems Robert died in Jan. I have been more sick then I ever had. I don't feel like batting most of the time. I have no desire to go out in public at all. Just feel like I'm here and I don't know how to change any of this. I don't know if I am normal or not. I don't know what is normal or not anymore. It seems all I do is sleep most of the time. Just don't have much energy to do anything that I use to like doing. Like sewing, cooking, reading. But nothing makes it for me. I feel like I am living in limbo. Any helpful input would be nice. Not sure I can do it today or tomorrow, but want to try something.

[ericasmom]

KOURTNEY Sweet KOURTNEY- As the doves flew they reminded everyone of your beautiful spirit, also flying freely, blessing everyone you love and all those who have received help in your name, in your honor.

Lori, I missed Kourt's Day as I have a poor memory for dates and an even poorer one in finding the paper with the dates...You are in my thoughts and my heart, I miss you here. I wish you some peace, some deep healing peace.

[tobyfreefoot]

double post

[tobyfreefoot]

my father

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thinking of you, Colleen, Lori, & Susan... my heart to you...(((HUGS))).

[LoriJ]

Ha..ummm...it was defintely a practice ride..wow what a difference a fully loaded trailer makes. Going to have to make some adjustments. Jenn I will make it to Fairmount!

Brian...Brian..Brian! You're in all of our hearts and prayes today...as is your mom. Please give her a special present of your presence today. Let her feel you with her without a doubt. She loves you so much.

So much more to say but I can't keep my eyes open. Tonight I actually wouldn't be up til sunrise but I actually had a client contact me and decided to take my first writing assignment since Andy passed. Crossing my fingers because I know my writing is not even close to being up to par but I figured I'm not out anything if they don't like it and if they do hey..so tonight there was a reason for being up. But now I am going to bed! Love to all Indigos...and special prayers for those oing to through a particularly rough time right now. Derek and my birthdays are both next week and it's just ...well...you know...

[mikesmum]

Seeing the images of the birds on a wire prompted a memory, something about seeing birds after losing someone...????

Anyhew, going through my images I missed this one......

Wild weather here....Earthquake, 5.7 on the richter scale, now gale force winds.....shake rattle and roll.

[ericasmom]

LOOK! Those look like our angels flying freely.

Thanks for that Trudi and Betsy for the birds on the wire. I am forever taking photos of trees, birds, flowers, snow...but in each I see hope. To me that is where I find what sustains me.

Trudi, hope the earth quiets some and that you are safe.

Lori, glad that the bike ride brought you back home to write. Hope you sleep.

Gretchen, your Pops looks so handsome and has a kind smile.

[mikesmomrs]

Wanda...as others have said, there are no time limits to our grief...we hold our children close to us in spirit, but the physical missing is always there, always, always. My son, Mike died on October 14, 2006, from brain cancer. We miss him as if it was just an hour ago. I do like Dee's advice, though...as usual, she is right on. Perhaps some help would assist you in being able to do some things for yourself, to outwardly honor your son's memory and as Dee also says, stand where he can no longer and live your life with some joy in his memory. Holding you close in thought and prayer, also.

Linda: I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. I have been having some serious problems with my back and hips recently also, and so also is Becky, who is scheduled for surgery soon. It is just awful to have to deal with this along with everything else you are dealing with. I hope that your pain level decreases and disappears (if possible...we know how these back things can be) very soon and you are feeling more like moving around, also. Do you walk outside at all? Sometimes that can help lift one's mood a little, but of course, sometimes the mood is down enough that the walking anywhere is just about undoable. You are in my prayers, Linda.

Tannersmom: Good to see your sweet baby's smile. How are you doing?

Leah, thank you for your thoughts. I am glad the kids got to go to the carnival today. I am also glad that the social worker like what you saw and hope the others she notifies fall in place with her recommendations and things begin to go smoothly for you.

Lori: I am sorry not many showed up for the fund raiser. Wishing you luck with your writing. Sometimes if we just start, the words come. What is it you write about?

Trudi: Love the cloud pics. Just beautiful. The one with the flock of birds, do you notice they are flying over a heart? I too hope that the earth quiets down around you, as well as everything else.

Gretchen: Your dad's picture, he is so handsome. I am sorry for your loss, Gretchen. Losing a parent that you loved dearly, no matter their age or the circumstances is painful and life-changing.

Betsy: the mourning dove pic is awesome, thanks for sharing. You have a good eye...you and Trudi. We had a family of 13 (yes, 13...we counted them one day) that lived in the woods behind our house that we had before we moved here. One day, during a raging snowstorm, we looked out thekitchen window and saw these big lumps in the trees in the woods. We looked closer, and saw that they were all mourning doves, blanketed in snow, seemingly waiting out the storm. I always wondered what birds did during snowstorms. We got a few pics but the snow was so thick it was difficult to see them.

To all whom yesterday (the 19th) was so painful for you, I do hope that today brings some memories to your heart that will bring a smile to your face.

Wishing all a good day today.

[westleysmom]

Lorri-I'm sorry I missed KOURTNEY'S angel date too. I don't usually sign in on weekends and my memory is not what it used to be either. Glad that the dove release went well. Hope Kimmy and Kody are doing okay and you and hubby too.

Trudi-Such a beautiful picture, I'm so glad you got the new camera. Stay safe.

Gretchen-He looks like a lovely man, I'm so sorry again for your loss.

Lori-Sounds like you need the ben-gay. Good luck with the writing assignment.

Betsy-Loved your picture too. I used to love to take pictures with my old pentax k-1000 on real film, but the digital ones I take aren't nearly as good and I've kind of lost interest in taking pictures. Except of the grandkids. Is Sarah enjoying her summer off, or does she have to work?

Linda-What you are feeling is absolutely normal, at least its how it was for me during that first long hot summer after losing Westley in January 2010. Grief makes you weary, and sometimes it is just so hard to keep going and there seems to be no reason to. There are reasons to keep going, they are just harder to focus on in our sadness. Hugs to you.

Leah-I'm glad the kids had a good time and things are going well with the social workers.

Carol-How is Mike? I hope he's doing okay and your back is feeling better.

[Wanda]

you know what did help me was therapy, my brother had lost his son to diabetes so when I cried to my mother over my son or needed to talk she was quick to inform me that I had no right to cry & carry on SHE had lost 2 grandsons. My sons would say "I know I know he was my brother I know how you feel you don't need to cry we feel the same way"

My husband would say, "well you weren't the only one that loved him" Travis was his step-son

My co-worker said he knew how I felt & didn't want to hear it, (his Mother had passed 4 months earlier)

No one let me be ME!!!

No one let me the Mother the grieving sad no one let me "let it out"

My doctor gave me something mild I forget the name but his instructions were when you feel like you are loosing control take 1/4 of a pill & lay down. I got so upset one day that I took one, I didn't fall asleep as normal, so I thought I must not have taken it, I must have only THOUGHT or MEANT to take it but didn't!!!! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

guess what I took another & the pattern repeated itself.

I didn't mean to, I honestly lost my mind & thought " I didn't take a pill at all." But somehow I didn't have any left the bottle was empty, I'm sitting in the floor crying because now my problems is I went to take a pill but I opened the bottle they all rolled out & I can't find them. Crying in hysterics because they were so expensive & I have lost them.

By this point everyone thought I tried to kill myself & they had pushed me to it!

So yeah I ended up in therapy, it took me a long time to convince everyone I only wanted to take a break from everything & maybe a nap.

My doctor took the pills away from me & said this is what you do.

You tell them all, that you will cry & grieve when you want & you don't need their approval or permission.

SO I DID!!!!

Now I'm allowed to have a "Travis Day" if I need to

[mrsduc]

I appreciate all the help and especially letting me know that I am ok and not going insane. I just know that if I could crawl into a hole and be left alone and not feel anything that would be what I want right now. But that is not possible. I do not know why all of us have to be on this road. I guess in some ways we all were chosen to walk this new road that only a few are allowed to walk on. It is not a road I would wish on anyone to have to walk on. I know that it change the minute that I was told my son was died and I know that it change everyone here. I know for me that I can never go back and be that other person I was before my son died. Just like I could never be the person I was before kids. But this is a totally different kind of road that we are on. I just know that it seems like alot of you have got it together so much more then i do and I just feel like maybe I am just complaining too much. I am sorry for all of you here that has had to loose their child. No parent should have to deal with loosing a child. It to me, it is one of the worst pain that anyone of us should have to deal with. The problem for me is I just can't seem to just say to myself, ok Linda you know Robert is gone and he isn't coming back now it is time to get yourself together and move on. You would think I would be angry with Robert for taking his own life, but I am not. I completely understand why he did it and I just am sorry that my love could not save him. I tried to let him know as best as I could how much I loved him. And the thing is I know he knew that i loved him and I know he loved me. It had nothing to do with me, but only the pain in himself. I completely understand that. I just can't seem to except that Robert and I will never talk or laugh or be together again. I have lost my best friend who just happened to be my son. But I come on this sight to remind myself that I am not the only one that has the same pain that I have. That I must remember that other people in this world are dealing with their lose. And for that I feel your pain, and I am just so sorry for all of your pain.

[Wanda]

Linda you will be OK. Unlike the people in my life I will tell you It's OK to cry & mourn then think about what he would want.

Would he want you to cry & worry & be so sad & depressed?

I did not have the pleasure of knowing him or you but the love you have for him. I can feel in your words. It was a returned love so..... NO he would want you to pick your self up dust yourself off & keep going.

It's hard to do I know it is but I can hear Travis saying to me now, "Momma please don't cry"

"I'm a crier" if I stub my toe, or loose a pet or someone hurts my feelings. I cry it out.

Once a girlfriend he had broke up with him told a bunch a crap started WW3 with the whole family, he was 19 then, I loved that girl so much but she couldn't stand any of us, we're close nit & tight & it ate her up.

I cried & cried over all that mess! He must have said don't cry a 100 times in a week!

So go search your mind with the times he made you happy or he did something silly or a joke, something soft & sweet find it & cling to it.

Plus I don't mean to step on any toes here but I am a Christian I do believe in Heaven & God & I also believe that you will we all will see them & walk with them again.

You are not alone! I came here for help but also to lend a hand because I do have a few more years than some of you & as I said in 1st post "tricks along the way"

[daveydow1]

Wanda-----I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Travis in 2004. I agree---sometimes people

will expect us to be 'over it'......over the death of our precious child. They count the years that have

gone by, decide for us that it's time to 'move on', and many times will tell us that. But, we here at

BI, know that no matter how many years go by, we will always love and miss these dear children

that left this world too soon. You mentioned that you are grateful to God for having dear Travis for

those 27 years. I, too, feel grateful that I had my son, David, for 31 years.(Killed in a wreck in 2003)

My baby girl, Lisa, died at 6 mo. of age, ( yrs. ago), so I didn't have her very long. We feel that

we could never have had them long enough. I hope that you will continue to come on this site to

post/read whenever you feel you want to. We are all grieving parents here, and we all understand.

Your Dr. was a very wise and compassionate man. Peace to you, friend.

BRIAN..........BRIAN............BRIAN......SAYING YOUR NAME, AND REMEMBERING YOU.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY,..........SWEET SHANNON.

Jenn-----So glad that you can still enjoy July 4th, and that dear Brianna is the brightest one you see in the sky.

Leah------Yep----At BI,.....we can all grieve out loud. Your posts are a lot of help to us all, and I miss

you when you are not on the BI, I do understand that with such a full and busy schedule that you have,

that you cannot come here sometimes. Glad that you & the kids enjoyed the carnival. I bet they had a

grand time.

Dee----I liked your analogy about the missing limbs, and asking people how they would be after losing one.

This could really hit home with people who just don't seem to get it when we are sad and missing out dear

kids who left this world.....no matter how much time has gone by since they left. Thanks.

Betsy----thanks so much for the pic of the two mourning doves. I dearly love these birds, and their calls.

There have been many of them around here calling for rain ( a folklore that I always believed in). So far,

not much rain has fallen. I keep hoping.

Lorri-----Good to see your post. I know that Father's Day can be rough.....for sure. Glad that the dove release went well.

Trudi----thanks for the nice sky/cloud pics.

Tannersmom----Good to see Tanners smile.

Gretchen-----Such a nice pic of your dear father......thanks for posting. He looks like he was such a kind and

wonderful man. I'm sorry for your loss.

Rhonda-----I agree......grief makes one very weary and tired. It is hard work. Being on this lousy road we're on

can sap our strength, doesn't it? I guess we can only go a step at a time, and pray that we are able to take

that next step. Peace to you, friend.

Linda-----Sorry that you are feeling so 'down'. May you find a way to gain some peace & comfort.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Wanda]

You know Sherry you just reminded me of something. A little story I'd like to share with you all & why I thank God there's a place like this for us. I was friend's with this lady who in so many words was NOT nice, because I do like her a little bit I won't say anything else.

However she had a habit of getting into her kids business & be too "mother-in-lawy"

Till one day the daughter-in-law had enough, so she said to her husband, it's me or your mother, he tried to talk to her but it just made her angry & attack his wife even more so for 5 years he did not come around, Christmas, Mother's Day ...nothing......

She called me one day right after Travis' accident like 2 months I think. I was having a bad BADDDDD DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

she said & I quote:

"well I know how you feel I ain't seen Davy in over 5 years but I don't cry & carry on pffffft, I'm stronger than that"

I said, & I quote:

"oh I got a beep, I need to catch this call. Talk more later"

Now aren't you all so proud of me, I wanted to drive over & choke her, saying how's that for being so STRONG!!!!

so I say this to all you, cry on me. I may cry with you but we can & will find strength in each other.

[lilysmommy]

Im hopin i get this job overseas..i just need a little help with my resume..can anybody help?

[shorty16]

Hello to all my friends,

Thank you so much for remembering my Brian on the date (4 years ago)he became an angel.

As I am learning, the days leading up to the angelversary were worse than the day itself.

Scott and I took off of work. We drove to Sheboygan, Manitowoc, and Two Rivers to see 3 different Light Houses. We started looking at Light Houses shortly after Brian was killed to do something completely different.

The Light Houses were out on water breaks into Lake Michigan. About 1/2 mile of huge rocks with cement on top. We had to hicke a ways, but we had a great time.

Michelle worked and stayed home at night - she cried alot and we hugged alot.

Aaron spent the day with his g/f Patricia in their pool and had to work at night.

I bought Sky Lanterns, but way too windy to light them.

Thanks again, my friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[shorty16]

Wanda,

We will never "get-over" the loss of our child, but we can learn to live again.

For me, doing things we never did with Brian works. I do not compare, or have very few "triggers" when I am in a new place. We usually travel for Christmas.

Thanks for sharing your son with us.

Colleen, Brain's Mom 4ever (that will always make me laugh)

[summergirl]

Hello my dear friends....many, many days since I have been here....a lot has been going on in my life and am working hard to get things back on track...First I want to say how much I miss you my friends and I welcome all that are new to this journey but so very heartbroken that you have had to find your way here. The best place there is as it is where we can be the grieving parent's we are and no one can tell us when, what, where, how, why etc....The only word I have ever found is "softer", it gets softer...not better or easier. To those of you who have not met me I am Kathy, lost my daughter Jessica at the age of 26 on February 18, 2006 from ARVD...sudden death from a heart attack....it has been over 6 years and I still and always will have my "Jessica Days" - I am allowed

Now I will catch you up on a bit of news.....Tavian is doing great, as tall as me now and so grown up for a 10 year old....His last day of school is tomorrow and then off to summer camp beginning Monday so we have a few days together as I took off tomorrow and Friday so we can have Mi-Mi and Tavian time. Right now he and Pop-Pop are out fishing with Steven on his boat - told Tavian to bring home some Bass for me...yummy

As for me and hubby it has been a rough few months....seems like he headed in a different direction then Tavian and I - I didn't know what happened or why as he is not one to have a "confrontation" so I pushed him with everything I had and his response was "I am not sure I want to do this anymore"...I was shocked to say the least but stood strong and told him if that was how he felt then he best get too packing and move out as I was not living with someone who "doesn't know what they want"....told him Tavian stays with me and he could figure out visitation time and then I walked away....Tried hard to keep things as normal as possible for Tavian....I moved myself to other sleeping quarters and that is how it went for a couple of weeks....Then hubby said "I don't want things to end between us, I do love you I just have some issues but I believe we can work them out together".....I almost said "NO" but I do love him so things are going much smoother...we are talking and doing more things together....I really believe that everything that has happened since losing Jessica just slammed him, he never really grieved like I did / do....he keeps way to much inside and after a while it has to come out....So my friends thank you for listening....have not shared this with anyone but all of you....We get good at wearing our different masks - I have one for work, one for friends, one for family and many more for other occasions....most days I am myself but when I need a mask it appears and no one can see how I am really feeling.

I hope to come back more often and try to catch up with all of you....Missing you all and keep you close to my heart and in my prayers each day

Strength, Love and Peace, Kathy...Jessica's Mom Forever....

My fisherman.....

Father's Day dinner at Bostwicks Chowder House

[Sholl1955]

Right now this very minute the pain is so intense. why after 3 months do I feel this way?????? I cannot even think clearly tonight and I started sobbing and I cannot stop. I hate to cry it does not make me feel better

[Maddy6]

Colleen, I am so sorry for missing Brian's angelversary date. My thoughts and prayers are with you. That is nice the way you and Scott spent the day. I know it was hard for your family.

Susan, My thoughts and prayers are withou also, I am sorry for missing Shannon's first heavenly birthday.

Lilly'smommy,There are websites that will take you through the entire resume process. There may be a fee, but it is well worth it if it is a reputable site.

Thank you Dee :-)

Love to all Indigos,Maddy

[mrsduc]

Wanda, Thank you for your advice. In my brain I know what you are saying, and sometimes I am able to do that. I do not have too many bad moments that I choose to think about. But when I think about the few times that he and I were together and all are wonderful phone calls it makes me very happy but sad too for I know that I will never be able to have anymore of that and never get a chance to have any more physical time with him and that is what hurts along with I can't seem to get over that this mother's love could not save her own son from himself. And that hurts so badly and that torments me so. I just have a hard time because Robert would tell me that I was the only one that gave him unconditional love and he just wished his grandparents and dad and brothers gave it too, but especially his grandparents. But for reasons that I cannot understand he lost his will to continue in this world because they just could not be like me and Robert wanted them to be more like me and I just feel that he could not live anymore with alll the pain that was in him that they caused but he did not see that. He did not even see that killing himself would hurt me forever. I know to some degree that he loved me and I know he knew I loved him. But it wasn't enough for him to want to live. So that part haunts me and is not going away. I think alot of this is coming real hard right now is the 6month anniversary and I am heading back to CA where he lived to meet some of his friends to try and celebrate his life because his birthday is in July and it is really weighing on me. I am not looking forward to this trip and I have even wanted to say oh forget, but I then know it is what I need to do to make Robert be honored and showned that he was loved on this earth even if only myself and his brother shows up. He loved the beach for his birthday and would always be taken to the beach for his birthday every year since he was 2 years old. So I just felt that would be a way to honor him. But this will be the first time that I will not be able to go to his apartment. It is rented now. So going this time is going to be very hard for me.

Linda you will be OK. Unlike the people in my life I will tell you It's OK to cry & mourn then think about what he would want.

Would he want you to cry & worry & be so sad & depressed?

I did not have the pleasure of knowing him or you but the love you have for him. I can feel in your words. It was a returned love so..... NO he would want you to pick your self up dust yourself off & keep going.

It's hard to do I know it is but I can hear Travis saying to me now, "Momma please don't cry"

"I'm a crier" if I stub my toe, or loose a pet or someone hurts my feelings. I cry it out.

Once a girlfriend he had broke up with him told a bunch a crap started WW3 with the whole family, he was 19 then, I loved that girl so much but she couldn't stand any of us, we're close nit & tight & it ate her up.

I cried & cried over all that mess! He must have said don't cry a 100 times in a week!

So go search your mind with the times he made you happy or he did something silly or a joke, something soft & sweet find it & cling to it.

Plus I don't mean to step on any toes here but I am a Christian I do believe in Heaven & God & I also believe that you will we all will see them & walk with them again.

You are not alone! I came here for help but also to lend a hand because I do have a few more years than some of you & as I said in 1st post "tricks along the way"