Loss of an Adult Child

June 21, 2012

Right now this very minute the pain is so intense. why after 3 months do I feel this way?????? I cannot even think clearly tonight and I started sobbing and I cannot stop. I hate to cry it does not make me feel better

Sarah's mama, I have days like this too. I lost my Brian on the 3/17/12 this is still so new and raw and horrible. I am making myself sit and draw just so I cant think, I had a bad set back on Saturday going back to my son's accident scene ,the marks were still on the road that marked where he died, I wasn't prepared for that his friends had put up a cross and my sisters wanted to see it, well I will never go back, I cried all Sunday. let yourself cry you need to grieve your daughter just as I need to grieve my son, I have faith he will be waiting for me someday and that's what I live for, just take it one day at a time, I am thinking about you . Hugs Brenda

June 21, 2012

Sarah and Brenda...the first months are spent in shock, disbelief, you don't know where to go, what to do, the pain is so intense....I don't remember much of the first months - just kept reliving the knock on the door that told me my beautiful Jessica was gone, not coming home...I would drop to my knees from the pain, be somewhere and have to leave because she was every where....but not there....It is one minute at a time, one breath at a time, baby steps forward and many steps backwards...All I can really tell you is that it takes time, a long time but you will get there, the day will come when you will smile again, enjoy the sunshine and the beauty around you...Hard to believe I know becuz I did not believe it either when those here told me the same thing but it is true...Hang tight and know that all here understand and are always here walking this journey with you...Hugs...Kathy, Jessica's Mom Always

June 21, 2012

Hello Indigos...

Just wanted to stop by and share a picture of my oldest daughter Justine and her baby bump

We find out tomorrow what we're having and I am on pins and needles!

Love to all, Jenn

Brianna's momma

June 21, 2012

Hello Indigos...
Just wanted to stop by and share a picture of my oldest daughter Justine and her baby bump
We find out tomorrow what we're having and I am on pins and needles!
Love to all, Jenn
Brianna's momma

Yeah, good news! Thanks for sharing. Let us know the outcome tomorrow. Good luck to Justine and hoping for great results.

June 21, 2012

A fantastic day today...the weather has finally broken at long last. Clear blue skies and perfect temps for the next week. Woke this morning to find a baby fawn munching on my flowers in my rock garden. Sort of a mixed salad I guess. Anyway, the pic was beautiful. How could I be annoyed.

Carol, hoping your week is progressing positively. Regards to Ralph.

Trudi, hope the weather your way has calmed down.

Sarah's Momma...the pain is still so fresh and new. Please try to stay strong. It will soften in time.

Linda...hope you are coping okay. Are you still walking your dog regularily?

Colleen...your advice about trying new activities is a great one. We too are doing the same thing. It helps to keep as busy as possible and focus on new things.

Dee hope you are surviving the heat.

Kathy...I am glad that you have started to work things out with your husband. Marriages can suffer such strain from the death of a child. We all grieve in our own way. Frequently the person that is quiet and keeps things internalized tends to push the significant other further away at a time you both need to support each other more then ever. Let your love for each other guide you.

Well, off to enjoy this wonderful day. Take care everyone. Thinking of all of you.

Kate

June 21, 2012

Wanda-----I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Travis in 2004. I agree---sometimes people
will expect us to be 'over it'......over the death of our precious child. They count the years that have
gone by, decide for us that it's time to 'move on', and many times will tell us that. But, we here at
BI, know that no matter how many years go by, we will always love and miss these dear children
that left this world too soon. You mentioned that you are grateful to God for having dear Travis for
those 27 years. I, too, feel grateful that I had my son, David, for 31 years.(Killed in a wreck in 2003)
My baby girl, Lisa, died at 6 mo. of age, ( yrs. ago), so I didn't have her very long. We feel that
we could never have had them long enough. I hope that you will continue to come on this site to
post/read whenever you feel you want to. We are all grieving parents here, and we all understand.
Your Dr. was a very wise and compassionate man. Peace to you, friend.
BRIAN..........BRIAN............BRIAN......SAYING YOUR NAME, AND REMEMBERING YOU.
HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY,..........SWEET SHANNON.
Jenn-----So glad that you can still enjoy July 4th, and that dear Brianna is the brightest one you see in the sky.
Leah------Yep----At BI,.....we can all grieve out loud. Your posts are a lot of help to us all, and I miss
you when you are not on the BI, I do understand that with such a full and busy schedule that you have,
that you cannot come here sometimes. Glad that you & the kids enjoyed the carnival. I bet they had a
grand time.
Dee----I liked your analogy about the missing limbs, and asking people how they would be after losing one.
This could really hit home with people who just don't seem to get it when we are sad and missing out dear
kids who left this world.....no matter how much time has gone by since they left. Thanks.
Betsy----thanks so much for the pic of the two mourning doves. I dearly love these birds, and their calls.
There have been many of them around here calling for rain ( a folklore that I always believed in). So far,
not much rain has fallen. I keep hoping.
Lorri-----Good to see your post. I know that Father's Day can be rough.....for sure. Glad that the dove release went well.
Trudi----thanks for the nice sky/cloud pics.
Tannersmom----Good to see Tanners smile.
Gretchen-----Such a nice pic of your dear father......thanks for posting. He looks like he was such a kind and
wonderful man. I'm sorry for your loss.
Rhonda-----I agree......grief makes one very weary and tired. It is hard work. Being on this lousy road we're on
can sap our strength, doesn't it? I guess we can only go a step at a time, and pray that we are able to take
that next step. Peace to you, friend.
Linda-----Sorry that you are feeling so 'down'. May you find a way to gain some peace & comfort.
PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.
Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

Sherry, kind and wise words to all. Proof that life does continue after such a loss. That we are forever changed and yet we still carry our loved one with us in that special place in our heart that only a mother knows. Take care.

June 21, 2012

Kate,

Unfortunately we decided to get rid of our wonderful babies. We felt with my husbands pain and having trouble walking and my problems with my foot and back problems and then dealing with Roberts death we weren't giving them the attention and discipline that they needed and they were just completely wild and just got too much for us. So I wanted them to stay together because it broke my heart to have to give them away, and one of the vet assistances took both of them from our vets. I was so happy about that. And they are doing wonderfully.. SO that makes me happy for them. I miss them but I know we did the right thing.

A fantastic day today...the weather has finally broken at long last. Clear blue skies and perfect temps for the next week. Woke this morning to find a baby fawn munching on my flowers in my rock garden. Sort of a mixed salad I guess. Anyway, the pic was beautiful. How could I be annoyed.
Carol, hoping your week is progressing positively. Regards to Ralph.
Trudi, hope the weather your way has calmed down.
Sarah's Momma...the pain is still so fresh and new. Please try to stay strong. It will soften in time.
Linda...hope you are coping okay. Are you still walking your dog regularily?
Colleen...your advice about trying new activities is a great one. We too are doing the same thing. It helps to keep as busy as possible and focus on new things.
Dee hope you are surviving the heat.
Kathy...I am glad that you have started to work things out with your husband. Marriages can suffer such strain from the death of a child. We all grieve in our own way. Frequently the person that is quiet and keeps things internalized tends to push the significant other further away at a time you both need to support each other more then ever. Let your love for each other guide you.
Well, off to enjoy this wonderful day. Take care everyone. Thinking of all of you.
Kate

June 21, 2012

Well once again last night I was speaking to the friend (Cheryl) which I think I spoke about who helped me clean Robert's apartment and I took her as part of my family. Well she kept telling me that Robert use to talk about me all the time. Well I wrote her privately on FB and asked her if she would tell me what Robert said to her. And before I knew it she called me on the phone and I told her that I had just written her and she said she saw it and that was why she was calling. So I thought she would tell me what Robert talked to her about me. No she started telling me that I had two other boys that were alive and that they are taking baby steps in trying and that they need me and I need to move on because Robert was gone. I just fell like she hit me in the chest. I did not expect that from her at all. Then she told me that they can not be Robert (like I did not know this). I told her that I don't want them to be Robert because I love my other two boys, Tom and Chris because of who they are. Each are unique in their own way. She then told me that it is time to move on. I told her in as nice words as I could, "that she had been Robert's friends and her grief is different then a mothers grief". She said I know that, but you are not being fair to the two sons that are alive by morning for Robert. I just thought I wanted to scream at her. I hhurried and got off. I just can't stand it for anyone telling me that I should move on. Heck it isn't 6months yet and I am hurting badly without my son. Having the other two sons in my life still does not change the fact that I have one son gone. I can pretend with the others and smile and talk about other things because I know that they have moved on and do not want to talk about it, but for someone to tell me to stop grieving that I have grieved too long. I just cant take that one. So now I feel that is another person that I can't talk to when I feel the need to talk about Robert or the pain I am in. I just wonder if you think I am over reacting or not. I just don't think as I thought I heard here before that no one should tell you how long you are suppose to grieve. That everyone grief and grieving time is different.

June 21, 2012

Jenn: Justine has the cutest little baby bump! And she is pretty cute, too! Thanks for sharing.

Kate: My back is doing much better, thank you. Still a ways to go, but progress is being made.

Linda: I am editing this post because after I posted I saw your post about Cheryl's talk with you. No, Linda, no one has the right to tell you it is time to "move on." And besides, we don't "move on," we move ahead. "Moving on" to me anyway, implies that we are leaving something behind, and we can never, ever leave our child behind. Our child will always be with us, and at six months, this loss is still burning in your heart and brain, every day, every moment. I am so sorry that someone you thought could help you with talking about Robert has let you down with the insistence that you "move on." Yes, you do have two other sons, but from what you've told us, you are doing all you can to reunite with them. This will take time, and it will require trust building from all of you, and you do seem to be doing what you can about that, so please try not to let what Cheryl said to you keep you worrying and upset. You DO have someone to share Robert with, all of us here. While I know that we didn't KNOW Robert and that talking with someone who actually knew him does make a difference, nonetheless, we are here and we can get to know Robert through your writing about him, like you have been doing. Sending love and strength to you, Linda. How is hubby's foot, and your back?

I hope everyone is having a reasonable day today, and that at some point, your heart is warmed by a sweet memory.

Kathy: so good to hear from you and so very sorry about the bumps along the way with hubby...though of course we know that they are more than mere bumps. Good for you being so strong about it, and hopefully now things will smooth out and the work you are both doing will be rewarding and strengthening. I do hope that we get to see you more. Love seeing your beautiful Jess's sweet face. Summer is here, so I know you are planning on some time at Gin Beach and I hope the weather is good for you to do that. Good for Tavian, fishing again!

Kathy wrote: "It is one minute at a time, one breath at a time, baby steps forward and many steps backwards...All I can really tell you is that it takes time, a long time but you will get there, the day will come when you will smile again, enjoy the sunshine and the beauty around you...Hard to believe I know becuz I did not believe it either when those here told me the same thing but it is true...Hang tight and know that all here understand and are always here walking this journey with you..." I just want to let you all who are new here know, that what she wrote is so very, very true. None of us who have been here a while ever believed it could happen that we would be able to smile again, find joy again, but we do, we do, and you will, too.

Mike is in the hospital again. I had to call an ambulance yesterday to take him as he was too weak to walk to the car and it was 98 degrees outside! His blood pressure had dropped very low (70/40) so they have spent all day trying to stabilize it. Unfortunately, when they try to bring the bp up, the heart rate also goes up, which eventually went up to 160 last night, just about the time he got placed in his room. So, they had to start all over again with the cardio and the meds, etc. However, he had a good night, heart rate and bp remained stable. He has been having problems with his plumbing, and that has kind of led to this exacerbation of the bp and heart rate problems. So, poor guy, they've been helping with that, also, in a SEMI-PRIVATE room. Boy, is he uncomfortable with that! They didn't have a private room last night, but they said that there were checkouts scheduled for today, so they might get him one this afternoon. He will be happy for that. We are trying, of course, to get the "eating" straightened out as well. He eats virtually nothing. He drinks the protein shakes two times a day, and has a thing of greek yogurt mixed with protein powder in the morning. I was very encouraged the other day when he had a small amount of cereal with blueberries, but then he didn't eat anything solid again for two days. But, he is feeling better today, so hopefully we can get to work on the nutrition stuff again soon. I came home just now for clothes and a shower, and have been trying to get some water on my plants so they don't whither and die while we are gone. It is 97 degrees again today. Yesterday it went up to 98. It is supposed to cool off some over the next few days though.

Got to run, need to get back there before the doc shows up...Mike just lays there and says "uh huh," when they say something and never remembers what they said, so I like to be there when they come in. :-)

take care all, and I hope you are all having nice weather now, especially Trudi, and all those suffering from drought.

June 21, 2012

Jenn: Justine has the cutest little baby bump! And she is pretty cute, too! Thanks for sharing.
Kate: My back is doing much better, thank you. Still a ways to go, but progress is being made.
Linda: I know it will be hard to go to California, but perhaps being around those who loved Robert will help you. I know it helps me/us. How is hubby's foot, and your back?
I hope everyone is having a reasonable day today, and that at some point, your heart is warmed by a sweet memory.
Kathy: so good to hear from you and so very sorry about the bumps along the way with hubby...though of course we know that they are more than mere bumps. Good for you being so strong about it, and hopefully now things will smooth out and the work you are both doing will be rewarding and strengthening. I do hope that we get to see you more. Love seeing your beautiful Jess's sweet face. Summer is here, so I know you are planning on some time at Gin Beach and I hope the weather is good for you to do that. Good for Tavian, fishing again!
Kathy wrote: "It is one minute at a time, one breath at a time, baby steps forward and many steps backwards...All I can really tell you is that it takes time, a long time but you will get there, the day will come when you will smile again, enjoy the sunshine and the beauty around you...Hard to believe I know becuz I did not believe it either when those here told me the same thing but it is true...Hang tight and know that all here understand and are always here walking this journey with you..." I just want to let you all who are new here know, that what she wrote is so very, very true. None of us who have been here a while ever believed it could happen that we would be able to smile again, find joy again, but we do, we do, and you will, too.
Mike is in the hospital again. I had to call an ambulance yesterday to take him as he was too weak to walk to the car and it was 98 degrees outside! His blood pressure had dropped very low (70/40) so they have spent all day trying to stabilize it. Unfortunately, when they try to bring the bp up, the heart rate also goes up, which eventually went up to 160 last night, just about the time he got placed in his room. So, they had to start all over again with the cardio and the meds, etc. However, he had a good night, heart rate and bp remained stable. He has been having problems with his plumbing, and that has kind of led to this exacerbation of the bp and heart rate problems. So, poor guy, they've been helping with that, also, in a SEMI-PRIVATE room. Boy, is he uncomfortable with that! They didn't have a private room last night, but they said that there were checkouts scheduled for today, so they might get him one this afternoon. He will be happy for that. We are trying, of course, to get the "eating" straightened out as well. He eats virtually nothing. He drinks the protein shakes two times a day, and has a thing of greek yogurt mixed with protein powder in the morning. I was very encouraged the other day when he had a small amount of cereal with blueberries, but then he didn't eat anything solid again for two days. But, he is feeling better today, so hopefully we can get to work on the nutrition stuff again soon. I came home just now for clothes and a shower, and have been trying to get some water on my plants so they don't whither and die while we are gone. It is 97 degrees again today. Yesterday it went up to 98. It is supposed to cool off some over the next few days though.
Got to run, need to get back there before the doc shows up...Mike just lays there and says "uh huh," when they say something and never remembers what they said, so I like to be there when they come in. :-)
take care all, and I hope you are all having nice weather now, especially Trudi, and all those suffering from drought.

Carol, this was not the news we had hoped for. Please take care of yourself and do not get run down as well! I sure hope they move him to a private room ASAP. It is so much more comfortable for both of you to have your privacy. Do you live far from the hospital? I'm sure this heat only served to intensify things. Take care of yourselves and I am sending my love and prayers your way.

Kate

June 21, 2012

I wanted to share this with all of you. Last June Robert had showed up at my dad's house where we were living at the time because he had fallen and I talked him into getting on my scooter and I could not stop laughing at him because he could not drive it at all. he kept going of the driveway into the woods. And my son was gay but he would never around me or the family flaunt it. Even though it would not had bothered me and I had told him so,but he said he was not comfortable. But anyway that day on the scooter his gay side came out pretty good. Which only made me laugh more and more.

He did not want me even to take any pictures of him because he did not want anyone know he thought he looked stupid. He was so into how his hair looked and he did not like that he was made to wear a helmet. But I found these when my middle son Tom gave me Robert's computer. Which I will treasure for the rest of my life. I don't think I will use it except to once in awhile go in to see his pictures and some of his other things that bring me a smile. But anyway just wanted to share this.

June 21, 2012

Carol-----Oh, I'm so sorry that Mike is back in the hospital, and as you said.....this heat

is not helping. (we are at 92 degrees today.....just a bit cooler than your area.....hoping

for relief soon). I do so hope that Mike will be moved to a Private room very soon. I

certainly can see where that would be so much better. Sending prayers that Mike's

vital signs will remain stabalized, and that his appetite improves. Peace & prayers, friend.

Wanda-----I'm so sorry that someone decided to give you the "Time-to-move-on" talk. As

everyone here knows.....that 'talk' is not appreciated ....from anyone. You are so new on

this lousy road we all find ourselves on, ........ a recent death of a child, no matter how long

ago....(but especially if it has been recent) is like a day or hour, really. I remember

myself at that point, and the terrible shock of the loss, was just beginning to emerge........

making me feel a bit crazy. I guess everyone who is a grieving person goes through that

unfortunate experience of hearing someone give that advice,but it sure doesn't make it

easier when it happens. I wish you peace & comfort, friend.

Lilysmommy----Wishing you good luck with the job prospect overseas.

Colleen----Glad that you had a nice time with your husband on dear Brian's Angel Day.. The

lighthouses sound great to see. Something about them,.....isn't there? They are used so

often in inspirational pictures, cards, stories. Their light gives us something to hold onto,

and the hope that they give.

Kathy----Good to see your post. Sorry that you've had some tension with your husband. I

know that things can get very tense in a marriage when a child dies. I've had a few 'rounds'

with my husband from time-to-time. I had to remind him that we were not in a contest about

who grieves the most etc. I guess that a faceoff can sometimes ease the tension,

and clear the air. I'm glad that you are having success with talking things out etc. With men

and women often grieving in different ways,.....sometimes it just takes some honest conversation

to help things. My, Tav is growing,.....and how he loves to fish ! Thoughts & prayers.

Brenda-----I share you thoughts about not going back to the scene where your dear son, Brian,

lost his life. I, too, will not go back to the scene on the freeway where my son died. Of course,

it is an individual decision, and each should decide for themselves. If one finds it too painful,

then I guess it's best not to. I went once, and that was enough for me. We also moved out of

the area, so am not in the vicinity anymore.

Jenn----Thanks for the pic. So exciting to find out if the baby will be a boy or girl. !

Kate----thank you for your kind words. You are right......our beloved child/children will always

and ever be right there in our hearts.

Linda---Glad that the vets office has found homes for your pets. Thanks for the pics of

your dear son, Robert.

PEACE TO ALL IN THE INDIGO FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

June 21, 2012

Susan, I'm sorry I missed Shannon's birthday and that you've been feeling so hopeless. I'm much the same so some weeks I can't bring myself to come on and read but when I do I can catch up. From what you've told us about your dear Shannon, I think she and Charlotte had the same kind of spirit and when I look at her smiling eyes every time you post, I feel that same kind of light that Char also had shining through. Of course, what I wouldn't give now to see my Char be 16 years old but I now know it doesn't matter how old our children are, if they die one minute before we do, it wasn't enough time with them.

I'm coming up on the 1 year angelversary on July 6th. What a horrible day and when I think about it all the memories of that terrible day come flooding back. I still pray to God to just turn back time so I can wake up on the morning of July 6th and save my baby but cruelly, time keeps on spinning me farther and farther away from her. But I keep having to remember that time also brings me closer for every second that passes brings me closer to seeing her again. People keep asking me what I'm going to do for the anniversary. Besides answer, "Lay in bed and cry all day" I decided to buy some caterpillars which are now in cocoon stage as I type. Hopefully they'll hatch and live long enough so we can release the butterflies at her grave on the 6th. That's all I have the strength to do.

June 22, 2012

First and fore most I want to thank all of you for making me feel wanted for the first time on this sight. My husbands foot from the break is healed, but it was his bad foot from his accident so he has pain and he was told that the nerve damage is so severe that he will have constant pain for the rest of his life. He just was put on disablity last month and now they want to think about taking it away. we have just decided to leave that all to God. We just cannot handle everything. My husband is not only handling me and dealing with helping me with my grief, but he takes care of my dad everyday in the morning and then he takes care of his yard and then comes home in pain and takes his meds and lays down. He can only be on his foot for so long. I bought him last year for my dad's house a special riding lawn mower so that he did not have to use his left foot to drive the mower so he could feel like he could do something. It was when he still was in a wheel chair. He would wheel himself out side and he was so proud to be able to get himself onto the tractor and be able to ride it and do the yard. So we both try to motify some things we do. I have bought a doctors stool that has wheels on and I keep it in my kitchen so when I am in the kitchen and cooking I can cook when my back starts to hurt real bad because of my bad discs and I just wheel around and I can make it high enough to cook on the stove and I do dishes and everything. It helps me alot.

Now about me learning that now I have learned that Cheryl is just another person that I must not talk about Robert with. She needs to move on and that fine. I understand that. I can't do that and I love and always will love my other boys. But they have there own personality which is what makes me love them for how they are. But they are not Robert, just like Robert was not them. I do know that I have been trying with the other two boys since they were 18 and Tom will be 31 and Chris is 28 and I have been hurt by them so many times that I cannot count how many times. And since Robert died I and they went and were there for their father but not once came to me or even called me, I just decided that I can't keep trying anymore. If they let me in for one day fine, if they don't then I must move on and just leave it be. I have to quit trying to make them want to be apart of my life and allow me to be apart of their lives. I think a person can try just so long and how many times does a person allow themselves to get hurt. Now I am not saying that if something happened to my boys I would not be there in a second. But I am making them come to me now and I am letting them make the effort somewhat before I put anymore energy in hoping that for sure that I am in and we can have a relationship. That is all I am saying. I do not know if it is the right thing to do, I just know I just can't feel hurt from them again. It kills me when they do hurt me and it just takes so long for me to get over it. Because they can do it and it does not effect them at all. But I understand that more then they understand. See their grandparents broke the bond between mother and child when they took them away from me. I knew that we I was able to get to them that it was going to be a up hill battle and I have been working for years with them. But at this time I am tired and just do not want to be hurt again. Just like I have not heard from Chris since I went to his house and saw my grandaughter two weeks ago. I thought I would hear from him because he had agreed we would talk once a week. But I knew that would not last either because he has said that before and it did not last with him. So I just have to take it and wait for whenever again. Sometimes I feel like not allowing them to even come back into my life so they can;t hurt me, but I love them so much that I will take whatever they give me and I feel they know that. If they said jump, I would say how high. That is the kind of relationship we have right now with both of my boys. Robert and I had that also for a long time, but he was willing to finally work on our relationship without being angry and mean and running away when I spoke my mind and feelings about whatever the subject is. So that is where that is.

Now today I got up early and took a shower and then started to sew and then when with my husband to my dad's house and then to the grocery store. So I feel first of all I got out of bed and did something. I feel pretty good about that. I can't say I will be able to do something tomorrow but I am going to try. And the only reason I did do what I did today was because of this sight and all of you. I felt all of you that have answered me and trying to incourage me wanting me to try and get up and do something and allowing me to take my time about it. Thank you all.

June 22, 2012

Just a quick stop in to say hello - it is sooooooooo HOT here...98 today but kept cool at the ocean with Tavian Thank you all for your encouraging words, we are going to be ok....like I said to someone today "I have been through the worst thing I could ever do so this is like a small storm compared to losing my Jessica".....

A short story on how some things just happen for a reason and when you least expect it and need it the most....While at the ocean today I took a short walk and stopped along side of a woman of about 72 years or so....she started talking to me about the heat and so forth, told her I was there with my grandson and she asked about him and before I knew it I was telling her that we lost our daughter and were raising Tavian....she asked how Jessica passed and I told her, she looked me straight in the eyes and said "I understand, I really do, you see, I have lost 2 sons, one in 1977 at the age of 24 - hit by a car while riding his bike in New York City and the other in 2008 from Aids", she then said "you never get over it and it never gets better but you learn to live again" - We talked a bit more and then she took my hand and said that we had met for a reason on this day and the next time I was at the Ocean to look for her and we would chat some more...... It made my day brighter, made me smile and made my heart happy to "accidently" meet someone who knows, understands and you suddenly feel like you have known each other all along....(if that makes sense)

Carol - prayers for Ralph and you my friend....Hugging you

I will say good nite and promise to come back more often.......

Tavian's last day of school today - he is headed for the 5th grade in September....I cried....sigh

Peace, Love and Strength, Kathy, Jessica's Mom Always

Tavian "riding the waves" - Mi-Mi holds her breath but keeps mouth quiet....He has NO FEAR !!

June 22, 2012

First and fore most I want to thank all of you for making me feel wanted for the first time on this sight. My husbands foot from the break is healed, but it was his bad foot from his accident so he has pain and he was told that the nerve damage is so severe that he will have constant pain for the rest of his life. He just was put on disablity last month and now they want to think about taking it away. we have just decided to leave that all to God. We just cannot handle everything. My husband is not only handling me and dealing with helping me with my grief, but he takes care of my dad everyday in the morning and then he takes care of his yard and then comes home in pain and takes his meds and lays down. He can only be on his foot for so long. I bought him last year for my dad's house a special riding lawn mower so that he did not have to use his left foot to drive the mower so he could feel like he could do something. It was when he still was in a wheel chair. He would wheel himself out side and he was so proud to be able to get himself onto the tractor and be able to ride it and do the yard. So we both try to motify some things we do. I have bought a doctors stool that has wheels on and I keep it in my kitchen so when I am in the kitchen and cooking I can cook when my back starts to hurt real bad because of my bad discs and I just wheel around and I can make it high enough to cook on the stove and I do dishes and everything. It helps me alot.
Now about me learning that now I have learned that Cheryl is just another person that I must not talk about Robert with. She needs to move on and that fine. I understand that. I can't do that and I love and always will love my other boys. But they have there own personality which is what makes me love them for how they are. But they are not Robert, just like Robert was not them. I do know that I have been trying with the other two boys since they were 18 and Tom will be 31 and Chris is 28 and I have been hurt by them so many times that I cannot count how many times. And since Robert died I and they went and were there for their father but not once came to me or even called me, I just decided that I can't keep trying anymore. If they let me in for one day fine, if they don't then I must move on and just leave it be. I have to quit trying to make them want to be apart of my life and allow me to be apart of their lives. I think a person can try just so long and how many times does a person allow themselves to get hurt. Now I am not saying that if something happened to my boys I would not be there in a second. But I am making them come to me now and I am letting them make the effort somewhat before I put anymore energy in hoping that for sure that I am in and we can have a relationship. That is all I am saying. I do not know if it is the right thing to do, I just know I just can't feel hurt from them again. It kills me when they do hurt me and it just takes so long for me to get over it. Because they can do it and it does not effect them at all. But I understand that more then they understand. See their grandparents broke the bond between mother and child when they took them away from me. I knew that we I was able to get to them that it was going to be a up hill battle and I have been working for years with them. But at this time I am tired and just do not want to be hurt again. Just like I have not heard from Chris since I went to his house and saw my grandaughter two weeks ago. I thought I would hear from him because he had agreed we would talk once a week. But I knew that would not last either because he has said that before and it did not last with him. So I just have to take it and wait for whenever again. Sometimes I feel like not allowing them to even come back into my life so they can;t hurt me, but I love them so much that I will take whatever they give me and I feel they know that. If they said jump, I would say how high. That is the kind of relationship we have right now with both of my boys. Robert and I had that also for a long time, but he was willing to finally work on our relationship without being angry and mean and running away when I spoke my mind and feelings about whatever the subject is. So that is where that is.
Now today I got up early and took a shower and then started to sew and then when with my husband to my dad's house and then to the grocery store. So I feel first of all I got out of bed and did something. I feel pretty good about that. I can't say I will be able to do something tomorrow but I am going to try. And the only reason I did do what I did today was because of this sight and all of you. I felt all of you that have answered me and trying to incourage me wanting me to try and get up and do something and allowing me to take my time about it. Thank you all.

Okay LInda, so I want you to focus on the last paragraph of your post. How you managed to move through the day and stay focused and positive. Yes, we don't know what tomorrow will bring. But you can try to stay strong and try as you may to move forward in a positive way. Your husband does indeed have his hands full. But together the two of you can work together to find peace again in your lives. I hope you will both be feeling better again before much longer. I am sorry that you had to give your precious pets away. However it is clear that you did the right thing. Please take care of yourself and hopefully tomorrow will be as good as today. Hang in there..you can do this. Take it from one who has been there...and still is. It has only been two years for me. It seems like yesterday. Still, my boy would have me in a serious neck hold if I continued to mourn him and not allow myself to live again. Talk to you soon.

Kate

June 22, 2012

Carol, I am sorry that Mike needed the interventions he received but happy that you got him to the hospital and they were able to get him normalized. I hope that they can figure out how to get more nutrition into him. Are they giving you a bed or a cot this time?

Linda, as others have said, it is not okay for anyone to tell you if you have been grieving too long. It is not okay for others to set a timeline for us. I am sorry that your friend did this. You need to take your time and move at the pace that you move, not anyone else's pace and certainly not anyone's perception of the right pace. I am glad that you had a fine day today, that is a wonderful way to feel and we take it when we find it. THat sense of purpose is important to moving forward, and I hope tomorrow you will feel this way again, but if not, do not despair, you know now that it is possible and it will happen again.

Char's Mom, what truth in your words, each day does bring you closer even though it feels at times that it is taking you further from her. Seems you and me and several others will be struggling through July with our anniversaries. Your first so please remember to be patient with yourself if you are feeling funky. The build up to that day is tough, especially the first several years, so do what is best for you on that day. Love the caterpillar idea, the metamorphosis shows us the magic of life, the transformation. Our Children morphed and while we miss them here with us, they are living on in a whole new way.

Kathy, so glad that Tavian is heading to 5th grade next season. He looks very happy in the recent photos. I am glad that you and Barry have found ways back together, but I do get what you are saying, the biggest storm in the world already happened, the rest is a sprinkle. I love that you met the woman today at the beach, it is of course a meeting that needed to be. Bless that woman. I know that you and Carol are dealing with really hot weather, we are too but you guys beat us today.

June 22, 2012

Well it is 5am and I have been up for 2 hours. Getting to be a habit. But I am feeling ok. Got alittle kink in my upper back but I think I can still do a few things. I am trying to be as positive as I can but that does not mean the tears and the feeling of lose is not right there at the surface ready to come out at any moment. I still can't go a moment without talking even in my head if not outloud to Robert. But I am going to try and do something today while i still think of Robert. I did something to try and start or possible destroy and chance with my middle son Tom. I wrote him and email because he does not like to talk on the phone, so I wanted to say somethings that have not been said since he was taken from me when he was 7 and 1/2 years old. I do not know how he will take it but I felt the need to do it. I told him that there has not been one day that I have not thought of him or stopped loving him. And I told him that I can understand that he might be angry with me because his little mind probably felt that his mommy had abandoned him because one minute I was there and the next I was not. I told him that I was suppose to be allowed to see him every other weekend and that his grandparents made sure that they kept you all busy so that I could not see you. I told him that I wrote to him many times and I found out just acouple of years ago that Robert found the letters up in his grandparents attic. Why they kept them if they didn;t want them to have them makes no sense to me. But alot of what they do makes no sense. But I also told him that I felt that I felt like he saw me the same way that Chris wa able to tell me that all I am is a birth mom and I will be nothing else to him. And I told Tom I would rather know that then to be told no that not true but your actions show something else. I told him that I believe in actions more then words anymore. So I am not sure where that is going to go. Because I was so honest about alot of things and how he can spend time with his father and everyone else but he tells me he spends no time with family. I just felt I have really nothing to loose anymore. I told him that I did not want him or Chris to be Robert's replacement because I love them because they are who they are and that is why I want to be around them. I cannot at this time question whether I did right or wrong anymore. I just have to realize that I did it because I felt the need and if he does not answer or give me what I expect or need it or does not answer then it is not my fault. I can only try. It takes two to have a relationship. Thanks for listening. I know that the days getting closer to July are going to get harder and harder for me for that is the month of Robert's birthday. And I am trying my best to prepare myself. So I am going to just go with the flow for now and except whatever I feel and go with it. Thanks for listening.

June 22, 2012

Carol, hope that they were able to place Ralph in a private room yesterday. How is he doing today. Prayers and much love sent your way. Take care of yourself as well.

Linda...I hope that you have as good a day today as you did yesterday.

Jenn...anxious to hear if it is a boy or girl. Have fun today.

Char's Mom...your idea of the butterfly release is terrific. Hope you will take pictures and share with us.

Thinking of everyone else on this journey.

June 22, 2012

Jenn, I never did say how cute Justine looks in that photo, thanks for sharing. She is a pretty girl for sure.

Kate, how is your weather today? We actually woke to a day with temps that are nice to be outside in. Not hot like it was, probably will get to 83 or so. I am grateful for a repireve from that oppressive heat.

Sherry, how about you? Did we pass our heat on to you? Are the crops handling this lack of rain. We actually had about 10 minutes of rain yesterday. It is dry.

Carol, continued hope for Mike's health.

Linda, I agree, it takes two and you did open the door, it will be up to your Son to make the next move if he is going to. I think you said what needed to be said.

June 22, 2012

Susan, how are you doing today? How has your husband's health? I hope you are well.

Kathy, glad to see you and Tavian at the beach, your beloved location and his . I am glad that Barry is feeling differently than he was, life is so damn tricky isn't it. Marriage is not easy anyway, then put in the stress of loss, the stress of raising a grandchild, and middle age and one wonders how any marriages weather it all. But many do and it takes a willingness to find ways to meet in the middle sometimes.

Leah, how bout you? Now that you are feeling a bit less anxiety over Sena, how is everyone else doing?

I was just on a bike ride through town, about a 10 mile ride, gentle and treelined. I like going at around 10 or so as traffic is light in town and I can just really meander. Oh I also pump my legs good and hard and get my heart rate up, so I was just about 8 blocks from home embarking on my ride when I hear some deep loud sounds similar to ice cracking, but knowing that it was from the giant tree I had just ridden under...I got about three houses away and turned around and stopped, two more loud groans and a huge piece of tree fell violently to the street and sidewalk. Luckily no children or others walking by, had I been a moment later I might have been affected...so I got the neighbor to call the forestry department as an even larger branch was precariously hanging over the street and so upon my return on my bike, saw the tree cutters there to remove the damaged and dangerous branches and to grind the one that fell. WOW! It is about 150 year old silver maple in full leaf, so not a dead tree, but the tree guys said that after so much wind the other day, anything on a silver maple that is weak, will fall.

I went tot he orientation meeting last evening downtown for the program Heart to Art Grief Camp for Kids. I worked as a volunteer last year and will again this year, but only two days this year as the program needs have changed some. I am happy though to be a part of such good energy and good intention. All of the kids have lost a parent.

June 22, 2012

i haven't really been on here or reading much. did see angela's idea about the caterpillars and loved it. we are doing something less spiritual but appropo for forest involving lots of people. 1st angel versary.

also looked at linda's pics of robert. linda i hope i don't offend you but i love those pics because his gayness come through in the photos. i had lots of gay friends that i loved dearly (still have two of my best) because i worked for the phone company in the 70's and 80's. they were the only company with an anti discrimination policy for sexual preference. unfortunately that was when aids struck and i lost more than a dozen friends to that. 2 in one day, 3 in a week.anyway i have "gaydar" so it stood out to me and it made my heart smile in memory of my friends and your beautiful son.

thinking of all of you. just been through such a bad time lately but my youngest actually stay 3 nights with us. he of course picked a fight every chance he got whether it be about sacred geometry or living in balance with nature it was still great to have him around.

June 22, 2012

Holy Smoke, Dee! What the Sam! You sure came close to getting clipped over the head by the tree branch. These high winds can do so much damage. Glad you escaped any harm. The Art Grief Camp for the kids sounds terrific. We have a couple of camps up our way for children that run programs for little ones that are ill or sufffering from other issues. All really wonderful causes and the kids just love going. Thank heaven for the kindness of volunteers. Where would we be without them?

Carol, thinking of all of you today. Take care.

Woke up this morning to a brilliant sunny sky. Our temps are perfection. Very slight breeze and in the high seventies to low eighties. Last night we had a surprise thunderstorm. It came out of nowhere. The winds were strong and the sky was such an ugly colour. The rain came down in driving sheets something like a monsoon. And of course it left more pools of water in the yard. The plus side is that everything is so very lush and green.

Spent the day helping my husband with various projects around the yard. Drove into the small town closest to us for a nice lunch overlooking the lake. We took a lovely leisurely stroll along the long boardwalk along the lake. It was so pretty and the lake was calm and actually quite warm. Thought of you Dee as a troop of young kids about the age of your students paraded along wearing their swimsuits and carrying towels. Had to be at least twenty of them. Two teachers escorting them to the beach for time in the sun. We smiled to ourselves as we watched the happy but very exhausted teachers slowly dragging butt back to the school with the kids. They are just filling in the days now until school ends. They go until the last dog is hung in June.

Linda, hope you had a decent day today. And I sure hope your health and that of your husband improves soon. Take care.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Kate

June 23, 2012

Dee----So glad that you escaped getting hit by the limb when it was so windy. We had 90 degree

temps Wed. & Thurs. Today, it has cooled down to mid 80's, so it was better. But.......no rain.

It is going to be at the critical point pretty soon for the farmers. some are irrigating the corn

now.....if they have a good water source, such as a lake or pond on the farm. I read in the local

farm newspaper that the condition of the soybean crops in the area are behind last year's by

a good percentage. Our field is soybeans this year, and it doesn't look promising at all. Most

cornfields in the area are holding their own, but beginning to show signs of stress. Our garden

is limping along. We water some, but cannot run the risk of using too much well water, and

having a dry well. I've been watering Davey and Lisa's roses.......so far they are doing ok.

So nice that you are volunteering again for the Heart to Art Grief Camp. Such a worthwhile project.

Good luck with it. The kids will really get a lot out of it, as they did last year.

Carol----Continuing to send prayers for Ralph. Take care of yourself.

Charsmom-----Thinking of you as sweet Char's Angel Day approaches, and sending prayers.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

June 23, 2012

Dee----So glad that you escaped getting hit by the limb when it was so windy. We had 90 degree
temps Wed. & Thurs. Today, it has cooled down to mid 80's, so it was better. But.......no rain.
It is going to be at the critical point pretty soon for the farmers. some are irrigating the corn
now.....if they have a good water source, such as a lake or pond on the farm. I read in the local
farm newspaper that the condition of the soybean crops in the area are behind last year's by
a good percentage. Our field is soybeans this year, and it doesn't look promising at all. Most
cornfields in the area are holding their own, but beginning to show signs of stress. Our garden
is limping along. We water some, but cannot run the risk of using too much well water, and
having a dry well. I've been watering Davey and Lisa's roses.......so far they are doing ok.
So nice that you are volunteering again for the Heart to Art Grief Camp. Such a worthwhile project.
Good luck with it. The kids will really get a lot out of it, as they did last year.
Carol----Continuing to send prayers for Ralph. Take care of yourself.
Charsmom-----Thinking of you as sweet Char's Angel Day approaches, and sending prayers.
PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.
Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

Sherry, glad to see that your temps are dropping slightly. Also, sorry about the lack of rain,. My SIL lives in Dayton and remarked at how hot it has been in her area. It has been touch and go where we live for the farmers the past few years. The weather is just playing havoc with the crops. One year it is a drought and the next flooding. So very unpredictable and unlike years of past. We primarily grow cereals... as in wheat, barley and oats. Also a lot of flaxseed and canola. And many Dairy and Beef cattle farms. Bison is also becoming hugely popular. It is very popular in our area as it is tasty and low fat. Organic farms are popping up everywhere. Something of interest is that we have seen lamas in the fields with the cattle of recent. The farmers put the lamas in to protect the cattle from predators. They have a lethal kick that they use with their hooves to attack wolves, etc. The wool sheered from a lama makes the most amazingly soft toques and mittens for winter. It has the feel of cashmere. Hope you get that much needed rain and soon. A gentle and soft steady rain.

June 23, 2012

not much going on around here. I sure appreciate all the good thoughts when it comes to my situation with my grandaughter.

I know I should be happy.. but I had to take Sena to the psychiatrist.. and I was put on the spot. I don't know if I appreciate it, I don't have a lot of things to say about counseling, and I am not the one that is supposed to get it, but I sure feel torn apart. I am afraid of what is coming, it a one hour weekly program they will put us in, and God help me just because I said my daughter is a good mom in the making.. I think I goofed.. can't really explain my feelings.

I know Sena has a lot of feelings, and i am lucky that I get to be in on these sessions. I am nervous that I might come out of this even worse, I don't know if I can handle hearing the things that my daughter's boyfriend put that little girl through.. I know she saw way to much.. and heard way to much.. One of her biggest fears is that this so called man kept her mother there by threatening to kill me and my little boy.. Sena let us know in this meeting that she heard it.. she is frightened of this man.. and I hate to admit it.. my sanity is being questioned by me.. I jump at noises and cars that come into the yard.. Some people told me to get a weapon.. I can't.. don't believe in them sure am tired of jumping at the noises I hear around here.. even when my husband is home I don't relax anymore.. how do you put your mind to rest? I know there isnt' a good answer and chances this coward will never come here.. but that what if always pops its ugly head.. so many what ifs we have gone through,, still go through.

the weather has been cool compared to other places, have a lot of wind.. sounds like the house will get picked up.

Dee, glad you didnt' get hurt. at least we dont' have trees close by.. hardly any trees, a few by the creek, but I stay away from them during tick season. basically everybody is good, my son went to work with daddy today.. he is so happy, he told me.. mom.. dad is going to pay me just like the other guys get paid. He sometimes has problems with Sena here, the jealousy thing, but he understands that he has the life she wants.

Sherry, I always worry about our well going dry, the company my nephew owns is always filling huge water tanks, but so far so good. I hope your garden continues to do well.

Kathy, wow.. Tavian has grown.. I guess I never realized he is the same age as Sena. She will enter the 5th grade this year, I hope she does well, she struggles a lot.

Kate, glad your weather is nice, makes it better to enjoy. I haven't taken much time lately to stroll.. I really need to get back into it.. my knee is better but scares me I might step in a hole and hurt it again.

Carol, thinking of you and Mike. Sure hope things stay good for him, I think of you both often.

I think of you all, Rhonda, Gretchen, Jenn, Susan, wish I had more time to write.. better yet I wish I had a brain that could stop and keep things sorted.. maybe as things settle down.

I hope you all have as good a day as you can.. you are not alone

June 23, 2012

I am not offended for I knew Robert was gay about the time he started really talking and it has never bothered me. I have such a hard time really noticing someone that is gay or not because I see people differently then most. I see and listen to what they have to say and if i see good in them I am drawn to them and then I find out they are gay. All my guy friends that I had were gay and at first I never knew. They thought it was so funny when I finally came out and told them that I had no idea. But I do not see that or color or anything except what is inside a person to determine if I want to be around that person. So no it does not offend me it at all. The only thing is, I just am surprise because I have never seen it in his pictures and no one else has said that to me. But if that is so I am honored that it is for that was who he was and I loved every part of him and I was proud of him for being gay. It made him who he was.

i haven't really been on here or reading much. did see angela's idea about the caterpillars and loved it. we are doing something less spiritual but appropo for forest involving lots of people. 1st angel versary.
also looked at linda's pics of robert. linda i hope i don't offend you but i love those pics because his gayness come through in the photos. i had lots of gay friends that i loved dearly (still have two of my best) because i worked for the phone company in the 70's and 80's. they were the only company with an anti discrimination policy for sexual preference. unfortunately that was when aids struck and i lost more than a dozen friends to that. 2 in one day, 3 in a week.anyway i have "gaydar" so it stood out to me and it made my heart smile in memory of my friends and your beautiful son.
thinking of all of you. just been through such a bad time lately but my youngest actually stay 3 nights with us. he of course picked a fight every chance he got whether it be about sacred geometry or living in balance with nature it was still great to have him around.

June 23, 2012

I'm not sure if I'm suppose to post a video or link to one but this one touched me so deeply I had to share it. If it's not suppose to be here I apologize and just hope some see it before it's taken off. Much love...

BEAUTY FROM PAIN

June 23, 2012

If that link doesn't take you to it just go to youtube and type in BEAUTY FROM PAIN.

June 23, 2012

I am not offended for I knew Robert was gay about the time he started really talking and it has never bothered me. I have such a hard time really noticing someone that is gay or not because I see people differently then most. I see and listen to what they have to say and if i see good in them I am drawn to them and then I find out they are gay. All my guy friends that I had were gay and at first I never knew. They thought it was so funny when I finally came out and told them that I had no idea. But I do not see that or color or anything except what is inside a person to determine if I want to be around that person. So no it does not offend me it at all. The only thing is, I just am surprise because I have never seen it in his pictures and no one else has said that to me. But if that is so I am honored that it is for that was who he was and I loved every part of him and I was proud of him for being gay. It made him who he was.

Linda, I agree with you completely. To me a good person is just that. Good in mind,body and soul. I see the person for who they are. A jerk is a jerk irregardless of their sexuality. Hope you are doing a bit better. Take care.

Kate

June 23, 2012

you know i come home from the store, i can tell you if the clerk was male or female but not always if they were black or white. it's funny the radar thing has very little to do with affect. the essence of a gay person strikes me deep inside somewhere. i think it is because it is not a surface characteristic but part of their core being. it is very strange but i just know. i looked back at the pictures to see what could have triggered that knowledge. i decided it was the back of robert's neck, the fit of his jeans on his upper thigh and the helmet on his head...makes no sense it just is a thing i have. ironically 4 gay men asked me to marry them. seeing as they were going to continue dating men i couldn't see it working lol. two are the friends i referred to earlier two are dead from aids.

I am not offended for I knew Robert was gay about the time he started really talking and it has never bothered me. I have such a hard time really noticing someone that is gay or not because I see people differently then most. I see and listen to what they have to say and if i see good in them I am drawn to them and then I find out they are gay. All my guy friends that I had were gay and at first I never knew. They thought it was so funny when I finally came out and told them that I had no idea. But I do not see that or color or anything except what is inside a person to determine if I want to be around that person. So no it does not offend me it at all. The only thing is, I just am surprise because I have never seen it in his pictures and no one else has said that to me. But if that is so I am honored that it is for that was who he was and I loved every part of him and I was proud of him for being gay. It made him who he was.

June 23, 2012

Leah------I'm sorry that you are so fearful and apprehensive about your daughter's boyfriend

showing up. It is entirely understandable, given his violent history. I hope and pray that

he stays away......for good. I think that Sena's sessions with the psychiatrist will be

helpful......it may take awhile, but in the long run, it may really help her. Please don't beat

yourself up.....and be worried about yourself after these sessions. I believe that we all

can feel somehow inadequate or a bit insecure when talking with psychiatrists or councelors.

I know that I have felt that way.....especially in the initial visits. I hope that as you and Sena

continue to go to the sessions, that you both will feel much more at ease with the Dr. and

the dialog that takes place. I'm glad that your knee is getting better. Since we have not had

any measurable rain for wks. (just a shower here & there), we are being careful about the

well, and conserving as much as possible. I told my husband if he wants to wash the car,

to go to a carwash and do it there, rather than at home as he usually does. Peace & comfort, friend.

Kate-----Yep---there's definitely some crazy weather patterns going on all over. You mentioned

the farmers keeping llamas in with the herds of cattle as protection from predators. That's great,

isn't it ?.....that they will defend against wolves, coyotes, or other predators. I didn't know that about

llamas, but confess that I don't know too much about them. I've observed them at the county

fair. Seems quite a few 4-H kids take the llamas as projects, (and alpacas too), and I've seen them in pastures

around the area. Their wool is so luxurious. They've had items made from the llama wool on

display for people to see how nice their wool makes into useable items.

Must run for now.........work to do. :unsure:

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

June 24, 2012

Ok now I feel stupid or dumb or both but what do you mean the back of Robert's neck or the jeans. Boy I must not notice people as well as I should. LOL. Don't worry you are giving me some education and quite a great smile and laugh. I can see Robert right now laughing at me for asking these questions. He would say to me mom and you said you knew I was gay since I started walking and you don't know this. I am that dumb in all of this. I just knew my boy and it did not matter to me at all. I just wonder and now I am really intrigued to say the lease.

you know i come home from the store, i can tell you if the clerk was male or female but not always if they were black or white. it's funny the radar thing has very little to do with affect. the essence of a gay person strikes me deep inside somewhere. i think it is because it is not a surface characteristic but part of their core being. it is very strange but i just know. i looked back at the pictures to see what could have triggered that knowledge. i decided it was the back of robert's neck, the fit of his jeans on his upper thigh and the helmet on his head...makes no sense it just is a thing i have. ironically 4 gay men asked me to marry them. seeing as they were going to continue dating men i couldn't see it working lol. two are the friends i referred to earlier two are dead from aids.

June 24, 2012

Well I am pretty dumb by you got to give me some determination. My husband's family was having a family reunion at one of his sisters house today and it is 2 hours and about 15 to 20minutes by car. But no I begged and pleaded with my husband to take me on the bike all the way to his sister's house to the reunion. I said hey honey don't you want to show off your trike. He kept telling me it would be a long way and he didn't think I could make it that it would be a hard ride. Well never tell me that I can't do anything because somehow someway I will do it, even if it kills me or takes me years to do. So anyway We started the ride at 8am this morning and it took us 3 and 1/2 hours to get to his sisters because we had to keep stopping to rest our butts and walk around alittle. See with my problems and my husband bad leg from his accident last year we just have to be slower. Anyway he told me that we were going to stay at his sister's house that he was not going to ride home tonight. I said that I did not like his sister's boyfriend (he is a drunken jerk who thinks he knows everything) and that I refuse to stay there so we decided that we would go about 20 minutes when we decided to go and stay in a hotel near his other sisters house and get up tomorrow and meet his sister at a diner for breakfast and then come home. Well at 4:30pm Donald decided to tell me we were going and we were going to go all the way home. I said to him are you sure. He said yeah. So off we go another 3 and 1/2 hours and this time it was worse. Our butts were so sore and hurt so badly when we got home neither of us can sit or lay on our butt. Ok quit laughing at me. I said to my husband to kick me if I ever come up with an idea like that again. He said I tried to tell you so I figured I would teach you. I said I am not getting on that thing anymore. I said now I know why women wore and horse side saddle. So that was my day. It was a terrible reunion. Hardly anyone turned up and the ones that did would not talk to me and I have been with Donald for 23 years so I just sat in a area and didn't let it bother me. But the only bad thing was on the way home on the trike the tears for Robert started to come and it was the ones that you can't stop. You know sometimes you can push them back and other times they just flow and always at the weirdest and worse times. Atleast for me. And being on a back of a trike with a helmet on and sunglasses and crying the tears kept flying back on my face and stinging me. So I tried to get myself together as fast as I could. So that was not good for me. But during all the day I have Robert in the front of my mind and I am talking to him in my brain. I can't seem to stop. I realize that I hate the word love. Love for me all my life has meant hurt pain and nothing good. And now I really loved Robert and still do and I hate it because if I did not love him then it would not hurt me so. But I have made it thru another day. this almost 52 year old lady is going to be really in trouble tomorrow with my back and neck and some other places. But I had so much fun on the back of that trike. I will not do it again and do not want to get on it again for the pain I am in hurts down around my butt area is pretty bad and it will only get worse. It is just not worth it. I think I will stick to my granny scooter that I can run around town on roads that have speeds 45 and under. My scooter only goes about 25 miles an hour and I usually just ride it to the 7-11 or around the block. that is about it. Sometimes I will ride it over to my dad's house which is 4 miles away. Well I hope my day has brought some laughter or atleast a smile to some peoples face tonight. take care and thanks for letting me share.

June 24, 2012

Carol...Love and positive thoughts sent your way this evening. Thinking of all of you. Do take care. Love. Kate

Linda...God Bless You...you will eventually work through this grieving process. Take care.

Well, we hiked into the memorial site. It was again a truly magnificent site in a wild Canadian way. Daisies as far as the eye could see! Butterflies stopping on all imaginable flora. It was magnificent. We sat briefly on Jeff's bench and as we did so a mother duck and her babies all six swam out into the lake. How lovely. They were swimming fast as their webbed feet could carry them. They were adorable. We headed into the small town. A four month old black lab tail wagging a mile a minute...frisky as can be headed into the Vet's for his check up. My heart melted but still held to my resolve not to break after my Annie was gone. I am way too old for this. Well, thinking of all of you this evening. Carol...I hope your back is holding up after a few days of sitting on hospital chairs. Ralph, peace to you my friend. God grant you release from your pain.

Take care everyone.

Kate

June 24, 2012

Just a quick drop by to let you all know that hubby came home from the hospital. He is feeling a lot better, except this morning he woke up with a pretty bad cold. Luckily, the nurse is coming today and will be able to listen to his lungs, as usually a cold with him means pneumonia as well, but we will hope that this one is "just a cold." I guess we are going to have to pay closer attention to his "plumbing" from now on and be a step ahead of any problems. He did well in the hospital and they got the blood pressure and heart rate back to where they belong. Thank you, all of you, for your good wishes and prayers; they do mean a whole lot. Going to church with Davis today. Hubby will stay at home. As most of you know, Davis has had some troubled times, but this time around he seems to be really determined to make it. He is staying clean, going to his program faithfully, and has even started going to church with us, which is HUGE, because he hasn't been going to church since he was 16 or 17. He said "I feel a sense of peace there that I can't find anywhere else. It is quiet, and the words spoken seem to comfort me." Our pastor, Father Andrew, is phenonmenal and so very much a people person. That may sound strange, as I would imagine that pastors and priests and all clergy do in fact work with people, but I have met some that have not seemed to me appropriate for the job, so to speak. Fr. Andy fits the bill, to a "T," as they say. We are so very blessed to have him in our lives.

Got to go and get dressed; the nurse will be here soon and then we leave for church. Thinking of all of you, holding each of you close and sending prayers for your concerns, grief, and joy.

Linda: I loved the story of the ride, though sorry for the pain it is causing you! :unsure:

Dee: I am so very glad you weren't hurt by the tree limb, I am afraid it would have been a pretty bad scene for you.

Oh, and by the way, thankfully, hubby DID get a private room the next morning, which made him a lot more comfortable!

June 24, 2012

Carol, so so glad that Mike is home, that the nurse is coming, that Davis is attending church with you! All good things, all. Prayers for continued goodness.

Linda, I too laughed (also not at your expense) at the sore butts that you and husband had after the ride to and from...ow! Heck, I had a sciatic event all day yesterday and still a bit today but much improved from I guess my two days of bike rides around town, I can't think of any other reason. Wow it was difficult yesterday to find any comfort physically. But on the mend. I do hope Linda, you take the auto from here on out.

Last evening my son and his wife hosted a lovely B-B-Q and we enjoyed a nice evening outside. Temperature was perfect for it. Shan's dad is in tow from Baton Rouge so we were able to spend time with he and several of Jon and Shan's friends. Pulled pork, chix wings, three bean baked beans, bread salad, green salad, guacamole, so many good things to eat. Great cupcakes too. Lovely.

June 24, 2012

Well my husband is out riding his bike right now. Me I am sitting on two pillows in so much pain. I am so bruised. No do not think that I will be doing that for along time if ever again. But threw it I have been trying since 2000 when I found my birth siblings (17 of us) and this one sister I want so badly to get to know because from just being around her once I saw that her and I might have alot in common, but she is closed in the heart with so many walls up for anyone because of being hurt too many times. Just in the last month she has decided to try with me again. But I am allowing her to make the moves and taking it slow except for yesterday and I texted her and told her about what was going on and how badly my butt and other private area hurt. Well anyone that knows myself and my husband we call him Duc, well when I texted her and told her that Duc and i were riding the trike and everything that was going on with me. She just said lol. So I thought to myself ok she is possible giving more of a chance to me. Well today I texted her and asked her if she was working and she said yes. So I text her back and told her to call me when she was ready sometime when she wasn't working. Well she text me back and told me to call her now. So I did and I right off the bat told her that I was sorry that I had been so upfront in my text but I am me and cannot and refuse anymore to be anything else. And she said that she was trying to think who would text her using the words that I did and what was duc. She said then she realize duc meant Donald and then she said she laughed about what I had said and how I had said it. Well I felt I had done good. She did not seem as distant. Well we spoke alittle more and I let her know that I am not a liar and I do not like liars and that I will say what I think about you to your face and will not talk behind anyone back and if she ever heard something from someone else that I had said and not told her that she should let me know and not assume I had done that, because most likely I did not do that. She understood. She told me that she would call me when she got off work and then for the first time she said to me love you girl, and then we got off. And I knew that she did not say those words lightly. I am flying high right now. For I so want sisters and family. Then my youngest son called me to just say hi and we spoke alittle and then he had to get off because my granddaughter was tired. So somethings are going on. But I know without a doubt that it is Robert handling all of this. Chris wants nothing of his brothers things. He refuses to allow me to talk about him. But I did today and I told him that I had a necklace that I will keep for him that is turquoise with Robert's ashes in it. I said I know you do not want anything, but maybe one day you might change your mind. I said I will say no more, and he said ok about that. But even though all these nice and wonderful things are happening I hurt so that I can't share these things with my best friend Robert. That makes me sad and want to cry alot of the times. I do not know how to move on and do the things to make life worth going on and know I cannot share them with my best friend my eldest son. But if anyone has answers to that please let me know.

Carol, so so glad that Mike is home, that the nurse is coming, that Davis is attending church with you! All good things, all. Prayers for continued goodness.
Linda, I too laughed (also not at your expense) at the sore butts that you and husband had after the ride to and from...ow! Heck, I had a sciatic event all day yesterday and still a bit today but much improved from I guess my two days of bike rides around town, I can't think of any other reason. Wow it was difficult yesterday to find any comfort physically. But on the mend. I do hope Linda, you take the auto from here on out.
Last evening my son and his wife hosted a lovely B-B-Q and we enjoyed a nice evening outside. Temperature was perfect for it. Shan's dad is in tow from Baton Rouge so we were able to spend time with he and several of Jon and Shan's friends. Pulled pork, chix wings, three bean baked beans, bread salad, green salad, guacamole, so many good things to eat. Great cupcakes too. Lovely.

June 24, 2012

Well I hope your husband only has a cold and will go away quickly. I will pray for him and you.

Just a quick drop by to let you all know that hubby came home from the hospital. He is feeling a lot better, except this morning he woke up with a pretty bad cold. Luckily, the nurse is coming today and will be able to listen to his lungs, as usually a cold with him means pneumonia as well, but we will hope that this one is "just a cold." I guess we are going to have to pay closer attention to his "plumbing" from now on and be a step ahead of any problems. He did well in the hospital and they got the blood pressure and heart rate back to where they belong. Thank you, all of you, for your good wishes and prayers; they do mean a whole lot. Going to church with Davis today. Hubby will stay at home. As most of you know, Davis has had some troubled times, but this time around he seems to be really determined to make it. He is staying clean, going to his program faithfully, and has even started going to church with us, which is HUGE, because he hasn't been going to church since he was 16 or 17. He said "I feel a sense of peace there that I can't find anywhere else. It is quiet, and the words spoken seem to comfort me." Our pastor, Father Andrew, is phenonmenal and so very much a people person. That may sound strange, as I would imagine that pastors and priests and all clergy do in fact work with people, but I have met some that have not seemed to me appropriate for the job, so to speak. Fr. Andy fits the bill, to a "T," as they say. We are so very blessed to have him in our lives.
Got to go and get dressed; the nurse will be here soon and then we leave for church. Thinking of all of you, holding each of you close and sending prayers for your concerns, grief, and joy.
Linda: I loved the story of the ride, though sorry for the pain it is causing you!
Dee: I am so very glad you weren't hurt by the tree limb, I am afraid it would have been a pretty bad scene for you.
Oh, and by the way, thankfully, hubby DID get a private room the next morning, which made him a lot more comfortable!

June 24, 2012

Linda, it is with Robert that you are sharing and moving forward. The pain is so great that you don't see your steps but Robert does, and one day you will too. You are doing the things that make life worth waking up and taking action. I still talk outloud to Eri and it is almost 9 years, I do this because it comforts me to speak aloud to her, and because I do believe putting the energy out there is a positive thing. She is all about. I am happy for these changes in your life Linda, you and Robert are making steps.

June 24, 2012

Still here, reading, but haven't felt up to posting. I have been busy trying to get all the last minute stuff done that I normally do, and won't be able to do for a while, like cutting the grass, and spraying for weeds around the beds and trees. That really got me cause my hand can't squeeze like it's supposed to, but I got through it, and hopefully the surgery which is Tuesday morning will help me get the feeling back in my arm and hand. If nothing else, I pray it will help the pain in my neck and shoulder, which has been bad this week as I can't take the ibuprofen I normally take at night.

I am changed, yes I am ..... normally I would charge ahead not being the least afraid of going to the hospital or the outcome, but now, if there is one thing that Jared's death has taught me? Is that there is no guarantee of tomorrow.... and so I have typed a list of my computer passwords, and where all my files are on the computer, etc., just in case.....

I have my tattoo and it's nearly healed, and I feel good that I did it so I would have some part of Jared with me when I have to go in and take off all my jewelry. My mother wasn't too thrilled with it, but then she is old school at 83, so what could I expect? I am also taking a framed 5X7 pic of him to put on my hospital table. I want to take his bear that I sleep with every night.... do you think they would lock me in the psych ward?

Carol, hope you feel better, and so happy Mike is home!

Dee, certainly glad the tree branch didn't get you! whew!!

Gretchen, your candor had me smiling!

Linda, it was your post about the ashes and the tattoo that made me seek a tattooist that would use the ashes with the ink! thank you!

Kate, your outing sounded wonderful! I have bad news though, my duck's eggs are disappearing. Something is robbing her nest, as we found 6 of the eggs broken on the sidewalk next to the pool, and the eggshells were floating on the water. I think something crawled under our fence as I saw the ground disturbed in two places along the fenceline while I was spraying for weeds today. It happened overnight, as they were all there last night.

June 24, 2012

Becky: just want to wish you well with the surgery...can't believe that you were out there weeding, etc., what with how much pain you are in! I do know why, though, cause as you said, we don't know, and it just "feels right" to us to "get those things done" and if weeding is what we need to do, (along with the password list and file list, etc.) then that is what we feel we must do and we do it. As for the teddy bear, Mike took his duck with him for his pancreatic surgery and it was right there with me, during the surgery and afterwards right there beside his bed, quacking every time he would move! I think the best time was when we were watching the Red Sox game, and Johhny Damon (who was young Mike's most favorite player until he defected to the 'evil empire' the Yankees) and he came up to bat for the other team (he is now on the Cleveland Indians I think it was and our daugter Kim, myself and hubby said all at the same time yelled "get him out!" and the duck quacked three times! That was just too awesome! So, take your (Jared's) teddy bear, and let it bring you comfort...it will, like your tattoo, make you feel closer to JD. I am so sorry about the duck eggs, so sad. Will hold you close in prayer on Tuesday.

Kate: I agree, your outing sounds wonderful. I am so glad that you have such a beautiful place to go.

Hubby seems to be doing okay this afternoon...he is very hoarse sounding, but it is seeming to be just a cold so far. The nurse that was here this morning said that his lungs sounded okay, but we will keep an eye on it.

Linda...I am so glad for the progress on the reconnection between yourself and your sister. It sounds like she too is glad for the connection. I too believe that you are indeedmsharing this with Robert and he with you. Thank you for your good wishes and prayers. We have felt many times since young Mike died that he has been here with us, sharing what is happening. This time of his dad's hospitalization, his presence was very evident, beginning with the scratches that were on his hospital bed. I will try to attach the photo I took of them. Also, at one point, Mike was standing by the window and looking for a punch buggy (volkswagon bug) but didn't see any. Later, when they were doing an ultrasound of his bladder, the machine seemed to be very erratic, so the nurse went to get another machine. When she came back, Mike joked that he hoped she had gotten the "Cadilllac" of machines this time, as he really wanted to go home without having to have a catheter in place (the machine they were using before to measure the presence of urine in his bladder had been showing that he had a lot left in his bladder, which was a problem), When Mike said that to her about the 'Cadillac," she said "No, actually this is the punch buggy! " So, he got his punch buggy that he had been looking for earlier, just in a differnt form! (the nurse had not been there when he had made the comment that he was watching out the window for a punch buggy) So, yes Robert is there with you while all these good things are happening, for sure!

Dee..so nice that you had such a good time with Jon and Shannon and her dad. Nice evenings like that make such wonderful memories to hold close in our hearts and make the days worthwhile.

The weather here has been pretty nice today, not as oppressively hot as it's been, and it was a refreshing change. And, of course, the Red Sox winning today made it even better! Have tickets for a game on Tuesday night, with Cathi and Davis! We have been having Fenway withdrawal symptoms, not being able to get to a game for so long! Jamie will be staying here with his Papa to keep him company while we are gone. We are really looking forward to our night out.

June 25, 2012

Carol...so very happy that Ralph is now home in his own bed again. Hope you don't catch that cold. Enjoy the Ball game on Tuesday!

Becky, I sure hope this surgery will soon give you back your full mobility and the opportunity to work in your garden like before. Something is definitely seeking out those eggs. Do you have foxes in your area?

Dee...the evening sounded terrific. And I am really glad that your weather is finally starting to cool down a bit.

Linda... baby steps is all you can expect of yourself at this point. Just keep on plugging along as best as you are able and take one day at a time. You are definitely making progress. Your posts are more full of your daily activities. Keep going. You can do it!

Well, it turned into a truly lovely day. The weather was magnificent. Brilliantly blue skies with a warm intense sun. Just the hint of a gentle breeze. It was a delight to be outside and not have to run for cover due to approaching rain. We spent the day outside and took the opportunity to again walk into the site. This time there was a huge collection of pelicans floating along as gently as the waves could carry them as they floated in the water in front of the bench. A tiger swallowtail butterfly that I saw yesterday floated and then landed on a flower in front of me. I put my hand down and it gently drifted up and landed on it. It was just so beautiful. It then glided towards another plant and sat there for the longest time. The entire area was buzzzing with activity. Seagulls, pelicans, bees and hummingbirds. The occasional sailboat drifted by. I watched as the sky changed several times as the clouds formed into different patterns behind an almost rosy bluish tinge. More then ever I can understand why Jeff chose this place. It quite simply never still. Tomorrow promises to be decent again. I am on the hunt to track down the mother rabbit and her bunnies that are making a feast of my newest perrenials. I will have to enclose the plants with chicken wire. We are hoping for a great forecast next weekend. It is our Canada Day long weekend. Hordes of people will converge on our small community in a crazed attempt to cram as much as they can into a few short days. I sure hope the weather is good for them.

Take care everyone. Thinking of all of you.

Kate

June 25, 2012

Hello Friends,

Wow, I have a lot of catching up to do...just wanted to stop by and say hello.I've been doing really well, but for some reason, today was one of the sad ones. I guess they will never be completely gone. I was in the hospital...they thought I was having a heart attack, but fortunately it's just an irregular rhythm, which can be managed with medication. I think it's just that my heart is kind of broken. Anyway, life is overall pretty darn good. Boy has it been hot! I think we're having a heat wave all up the east coast. I think of you each and every day!

I hope everyone is doing as well as can be expected. Welcome to the new folks...so sorry you have to be here. Wishing everyone a good night!

With love,

Pam

June 25, 2012

I am glad to help. I do know that a lot of tattoo artist do not do it or are not experienced in it. And some states do not allow it to be done in the salon. So you have to find out all these things. It does not take much of the ashes but it sure makes me feel even more like Robert is with me, even though I know it was only his shield that was left, so to speak. That his real self (his spirit) went to Heaven, but it helps me and to me that is all that counts.

Still here, reading, but haven't felt up to posting. I have been busy trying to get all the last minute stuff done that I normally do, and won't be able to do for a while, like cutting the grass, and spraying for weeds around the beds and trees. That really got me cause my hand can't squeeze like it's supposed to, but I got through it, and hopefully the surgery which is Tuesday morning will help me get the feeling back in my arm and hand. If nothing else, I pray it will help the pain in my neck and shoulder, which has been bad this week as I can't take the ibuprofen I normally take at night.
I am changed, yes I am ..... normally I would charge ahead not being the least afraid of going to the hospital or the outcome, but now, if there is one thing that Jared's death has taught me? Is that there is no guarantee of tomorrow.... and so I have typed a list of my computer passwords, and where all my files are on the computer, etc., just in case.....
I have my tattoo and it's nearly healed, and I feel good that I did it so I would have some part of Jared with me when I have to go in and take off all my jewelry. My mother wasn't too thrilled with it, but then she is old school at 83, so what could I expect? I am also taking a framed 5X7 pic of him to put on my hospital table. I want to take his bear that I sleep with every night.... do you think they would lock me in the psych ward?
Carol, hope you feel better, and so happy Mike is home!
Dee, certainly glad the tree branch didn't get you! whew!!
Gretchen, your candor had me smiling!
Linda, it was your post about the ashes and the tattoo that made me seek a tattooist that would use the ashes with the ink! thank you!
Kate, your outing sounded wonderful! I have bad news though, my duck's eggs are disappearing. Something is robbing her nest, as we found 6 of the eggs broken on the sidewalk next to the pool, and the eggshells were floating on the water. I think something crawled under our fence as I saw the ground disturbed in two places along the fenceline while I was spraying for weeds today. It happened overnight, as they were all there last night.

June 25, 2012

Good morning Indigos

Just wanted to stop by and share a picture of my daughter Justine and her fiance (he proposed on Friday, gave her the most beautiful ring, I cried!!) And we're having a baby girl, I could not be more excited or happy!

I will admit, the first thought I had was, I'm going to have my 3 girls again Of course Brianna can never be replaced so that's not what I mean....but then my Indigo friends know what I mean.

It was Justine's idea to gather friends and family together and let go of the pink or blue balloons to let everyone know the sex of the baby, but there was also some symbolism in the balloon release, a way of letting those who are no longer with us know there will be a sweet baby girl joining the family. (Some of you may remember that 7 months after Brianna's passing, Justine's stepbrother Titus was killed in an accident)

It was an emotional weekend for me and I am feeling a little drained, but in a good way

Sending you all love and peace today....

Jenn

Brianna's momma

June 25, 2012

Congratulations Jenn, on the wonderful news! They look so happy in the picture. There is nothing nicer then a sweet new baby and you are going to have so much enjoyment being a grandmother.

Pam, glad to see that you are doing so well. I'm very pleased that the outcome at the hospital was positive. Take care of yourself.

Another fantastic day today. I'm happy to be able to say thay I too am feeling better then I have in ages. I truly believe I have crossed that barrier into the next phase. Happy to move ahead with my life now and definitely not as sad. Have a good day everyone.

Kate

June 25, 2012

38 weeks today....

June 25, 2012

Becky, good luck as you approach surgery. I am of the same mind as far as knowing there are no guarantees, I get nervous. I think the tattoo will go a long way to keeping you feeling close to Jared. Yes, I agree with Carol, bring his stuffed animal. He will be there with you, but those tangible things left to us are important to our spirits. Sorry about those duck eggs...

Kate, so glad for your nice hike and for the good weather. Boy you guys really deserve some good weather.

Carol, so glad that you are going to a game with Cathi and Davis, what a special day.

Jenn, congrats to your Daughter and future SIL. And I agree, the release of balloons is symbolic for me as well, letting go of what we cannot hang onto, but sending with them, our hopes, our deep love.

June 25, 2012

Becky-I hope that all goes well with your surgery and you are soon feeling much better.

Jenn-How sweet to get a baby girl. The pictures of Justine and her fiance are so good, I know you're excited about becoming a grandma.

Carol-Here's to Mike's cold just staying a cold, although a cold during summer is miserable enough. I'm glad to hear that Davis is still doing good and going to church with you.

Leah-I'm sorry that the therapy sessions have you on edge and hope that it will get better and that it is helping Sena to share her fears. Hugs to you.

Sherry-We are so dry here, all the yards look like August instead of June and farmers are having to irrigate corn and soybeans and tobacco. I hope we get some rain soon, although it has cooled a little, that's not supposed to last long. And it isn't a replacement for moisture, which we desperately need.

Dee-I'm so glad that you were not in the wrong place at the wrong time! Dinner sounds nice with lots of good food and company.

My sister's grandson had his birthday (7 years old) yesterday at my mother's (his great grandma). We were all there, so it was chaos, but you know, the good kind of chaos. But Sunday nights are always hard for me for some reason, even if I don't get to go to the cemetery, which I didn't yesterday because it was also my MIL's birthday celebration earlier in the day. Family birthdays just always seem to be hard for me, maybe they always will. When I got home, I just wanted to get ready and go to bed, so I did. The thought that kept running through my mind is I just want him to come back. That's all it would take for me to not be sad is if Westley could just come back. And I know its not going to happen, so I just went to bed, so I could quit thinking. It helps until you wake up, and I guess that's something.

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