Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

MY GREAT NIECE AND NEPHEW MODELN WEAR GREY IN MAY TS

[Maddy6]

OMG, Becky, the video and song were so very beautiful. I enjoyed watching each picture also as I remembered each one as you had made them over the last few months. Such an amazing tribute, and the song and the words to it were so very beautiful.

Love,

Maddy

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thanks, Maddy! I am so glad you appreciated it! I was so angry today that nobody paid my post on FB any mind, that I went out and sprayed for bugs in the trees and bushes. Not a job I enjoy, and it hurt me physically to do it, but I had to do something. Now I am really hurting! But the bugs are hurting more....

I can't do pictures right now, as I have to have more control over my hand than I do, so hopefully this surgery will work! ((Hugs))

OMG, Becky, the video and song were so very beautiful. I enjoyed watching each picture also as I remembered each one as you had made them over the last few months. Such an amazing tribute, and the song and the words to it were so very beautiful.

Love,

Maddy

[ericasmom]

Becky, can't watch it tonight, just finished my letter for the end of year. Hard to write, so tired now.

I love the shirts Go Grey in May. I have to order one or two.

Love to all,

dee

[mrsduc]

Well I got the tattoo of Robert on my back which was done with his ashes.

Now these tattoo pictures came from this next picture.

This was the picture on the left bottom that they used to make the tattoo. I am not sure if I am pleased with it, but so far everyone that sees it says it looks just like him. But I am not sure. But it hit me pretty hard right in the middle of getting the tattoo and I had to take a break and go outside and cry. I just told my husband that now I cannot ever say he isn't gone anymore. And that just made me cry some more. I felt better just thinking that he was too busy to call me. Even though my brain knew differently. I just wanted to pretend for alittle longer. But having the portrait tattoo brought it all crashing down on me. And it just makes me so sick to my stomach. I am not as bad as I was at first but I am not far from there. But then I remember the pain he was in and I know for him it was the best for him. But it does not help to know that we will never have anymore talks on the phone and they were great talks. We had a relationship like no other mother and son. We felt comfortable talking about anything. I let him feel comfortable talk to me about things that really I felt was not my business but I felt he needed to talk and so I let him and all I did was try and suggest some things so to protect him so he would not get hurt in anyway. But I tried so hard not to tell him that he shouldn't do this or that. I felt he was an adult and that who was I to tell himwhat to do. But if he asked I would just try to tell him that he needed to do what felt right for him and not what everyone else wanted him to do. I miss him like nothing I can explain. I do not believe that he would not have killed himself if he knew it would hurt me as it has. He did not like to know I was hurting or sad. so for today I am having to take it easy because of my chest being so sore from the first tattoo and now my back tattoo is just hurting. But it will be alright.

[ericasmom]

Beautiful tattoo Robert's Mom, Linda. Gorgeous likeness. Does it hurt? It looks so natural.

Lorri, wow Kim is near me! Have they taken in a Cubs game yet?

Carol i am so hoping that your back repairs and stays repaired. You don't need anything more to take your energy.

Rhonda, your Grandgirl's words quiver in my heart. She seems connected to Westley as she feels the energy of him in everyone's lives.

Trudi, where are YOU?

[Maddy6]

Linda,~~~~~~The tattoo is beautiful. Also the photographs you copied it from of Robert are very nice. He was very handsome. The tattoo is very nice and really captures him. I am so happy for you that you did this.~~~~~~~Also, Linda, about the pretending. It is okay. I always thought of it like this, that if Ihad an open cut that was bleeding, the bleeding would have to be stopped, and pain medicine taken before the healing could begin. I always thought of it that if the pretending and running gave me a little less pain until I could deal with it, if it made life bearable, I felt it was like pain medication until I was strong enough to heal. Which is probably why when I came on here in January I was grieving, because I carried it around for so long. But then I began the steps toward healing in many ways very very quickly because the bleeding had long ago stopped, if that makes sense.~~~~ So I do not know if that is healthy, but that is how I looked at it and still do actually.So we know the raw pain you carry and you need to do what works for your healing and recovery and you do not have to "face" anything you do not feel ready to. ~~~~~~~~ Your relationship with your son sounds amazing and the warm relationship you shared was very special. I know without a doubt Robert would never, ever have done this if he had fully realized how much he would hurt you. Realize that Robert was not himself, he was depressed, and the drugs would also have clouded his thinking. His spirit is with you now, one day you will even begin to feel his spirit and you will know he is with you. The bond between a mother and child cannot be seen, it nevertheless it is there and so thick, death does not break that bond. It is because LOVE lives forever. And love Linda, was what you and Robert shared in a very special way.~~~~~~~LOVE,MADDY

[Maddy6]

Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning. (Psalm 30:5 NASB)

[mrsduc]

I know that others have done the pretend thing, so I am feeling alittle better about that. But I don't want to get to the point that I don't continue to grieve because I am afraid of the deep pain it causes me. I guess I have not wrote about all that has happened in the last couple of weeks. The first one was I had not slept from May 4- 6 and it was 8 am and my husband was getting ready to go over to check on my dad and feed him some breakfast. Well as soon as I saw him I started shaking uncontrollably and talking like I had never talked before. And I did not once stop talking until 2 in the morning. But anyway I was afraid to be alone so my husband told me to go with him and I made him to stay with me while I got dressed. That was how bad off I was. Now May 4th was the four month anniversary of Robert's death. Well after we stayed at dads for awhile we went to Walmart to get my meds and on the way home we usually take this short cut but there were too many cars coming so Donald went down to the next light where this guy was there with a sign And Donald told me that he was not giving him any money today because he gave him $5.00 yesterday and he does not give to the same person on the next day. But he rolled down his window he asked the guy how he did the day before and the guy said guess ok and Donald said jokingly well I know you got atleast $5.00. Well if you really knew me you would know number 1 I do not stop and talk to any panhandlers, and number 2 I am too shy to talk to strangers. But I remember that a neighbor at my dad's house told me that one of the kids I grew up with was panhandling around my neighborhood. So I said to Donald to ask the guy his name and he did and the guy said his name was Robert. I start freaking. Then the guy very calmly looked in the window right at me and and said he was 32. That was completely it for me and Donald. Well the light changed and well my husband is not a crier and tears were coming down his face all the way home. We just knew it was Robert letting me know he was all right. Then on the cruise ship after my husband got hurt he was up on the pool deck sitting on one side and he saw this guy that looked like Robert when Robert use to dye his hair blonde. Donald said the guy did not look at no one and just looked straight ahead and then disappeared. He said the hairs on his arms stood on edge. But the one that really got me was Robert had posted a video on youtube singing his song that he wrote. Now my birth sister Kim, who came with us on the cruise, had never met or talked to Robert. Well Kim has a 4 year old granddaughter. She had just turned four in March. Well she had Kim's cell phone and Kim heard some music coming from it and she grabbed her cell phone and asked her granddaughter what she was doing. And when Kim looked down on her phone it was Robert's video from youtube singing his song. And the only way you can get to it is to know his name, first and last. And she did not know it and Kim did not have a icon on her phone for youtube. So I just feel that he was trying to tell Kim that he was thanking her for being there for me and that he was glad I had her. Then this past weekend I was sleeping and I was on my side with my knees bent and I felt someone staring at me and I knew it was Robert my and he was where my knees were bent. But I told my self that I did not want to open my eyes for fear he would leave. And as I thought that he was gone. But while he was there a warmth and calm that I cannot explain came over me. So I know that Robert is watching over me and letting me know that he loves me and he knows I love him. And for that I am very grateful for every little bit that I get from him. So I just wanted to share that with you.

Linda,~~~~~~The tattoo is beautiful. Also the photographs you copied it from of Robert are very nice. He was very handsome. The tattoo is very nice and really captures him. I am so happy for you that you did this.~~~~~~~Also, Linda, about the pretending. It is okay. I always thought of it like this, that if Ihad an open cut that was bleeding, the bleeding would have to be stopped, and pain medicine taken before the healing could begin. I always thought of it that if the pretending and running gave me a little less pain until I could deal with it, if it made life bearable, I felt it was like pain medication until I was strong enough to heal. Which is probably why when I came on here in January I was so crazy with grief, cause I carried it around for so long. But then I began the steps toward healing in many ways very quickly because the bleeding had long ago stopped, if that makes sense.~~~~ So I do not know if that is healthy, but that is how I looked at it and still do actually.So we know the raw pain you carry and you need to do what works for your healing and recovery and you do not have to "face" anything you do not feel ready to. ~~~~~~~~ Your relationship with your son sounds amazing and the warm relationship you shared was very special. I know without a doubt Robert would never, ever have done this if he had fully realized how much he would hurt you. Realize that Robert was not himself, he was depressed, and the drugs would also have clouded his thinking. His spirit is with you now, one day you will even begin to feel his spirit and you will know he is with you. The bond between a mother and child cannot be seen, it nevertheless it is there and so thick, death does not break that bond. It is because LOVE lives forever. And love Linda, was what you and Robert shared in a very special way.~~~~~~~LOVE,MADDY

[shorty16]

My Friends

Tomorrow, we have a Gathering with our Compassionate Friends group at the Children's Garden in Oakbrook Cemetery.

About 1 year ago, I purchased a brick to go into this garden with Brian's name, "Our Angel" and DOB/DOD. We have never seen it - until tomorrow..

This will be both a celebration of life and a complete sadness of what we have lost.

I am sending warm thoughts to all my friends who find themselves in this nightmare with me. We will survive - - together.

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[JD's Mom, Becky]

http://delmarpopwarner.com/ToWhereYouAre/videoplayer.htm

Decided to try to make the video more personal.... so I used my Droid to record me singing the same song using the instrumental music in background! Something that my daughter, Jasmine can have and keep. I know it isn't as good as Josh Groban, but it's me, Jared's mom, singing to him.

[rlolheiser]

made it home,no news. I have never seen a child placement hearing continued. The judge was via some type of computer, they kicked me out of the court room. No answers, they will continue on Tuesday, the social worker tried to make me out the bad guy, they I ignored her, and I asked my daughters lawyer what could I do, by the time they give me the info, I am 130 miles away. Sometimes I think they are testing me, want me to give up. I can't afford the trip, but I will do it. I can't believe I have court again on tuesday at 8:30.. never even knew the court house was open then. oh well.. I am not giving up. I got to see Sena, she cried and held onto me.. and my grandson was the sweetest thing... I have to try to get him too.. he belongs with me.. he loves his grandma.

the trip home was hell.. an accident not far from JaBoa's accident site.. the picups were crunched just like the van.. they slowed us down and hurried us away.. and all I could do was cry and pray for what souls were there and that they were ok.... I wish I was tougher and not such a softee... I like to be hard.. can't though..

mom got sick on the way back.. not sure how to do tuesday, she insists on going with me..

take care all.. thanks for all the prayers

[Maddy6]

Becky,

The video is beautiful and very touching. Actually more beautiful than the professional singer. Your love was shining through and felt. I really enjoyed it. I didn't remember the picture with the cat in the first video for some reason. That was a really cute picture. The words all seemed to go so perfectly with the pictures where things lined up. I guesss you did that on purpose. One verse was perfect, can't remember what it said, but it was you at the gravesite and it was so beautiful.

Leah,

I am so sorry for the difficulty and heartache. I have never heard of a computer judge either. All the technology is getting pretty scary. I am sorry for your pain and your granddaughter crying and the whole situation. We are here for you. Please take care of yourself.

Linda,

That is so amazing, all the experiences of knowing Robert is there. You are comforted and that makes me so very happy to know that.

Carol,

Hope all is well. Let us know when you have time.

Trudi,

I am with Dee in wondering where you have been?

Love to all,

Maddy

[mikesmomrs]

Have had areally busy day with errands and just now got finished eating my supper! Had to go out this morning and buy a new chair...the doctor told me that the one I have slants to tge back too much and is aggravating the back problem. Boy, I can't believe that it took us that long (almost 2 1/2 hours!) We kept going back and forth between three different chairs (hubby was getting one too, because his is pretty well worn) and we must have changed our minds four differnt times. Thank heavens they weren' t busy! We finally settled on two alike, but after I got home, I have changed my mind again and will have to call the guy in the morning to change it. I can't do emoticons on my tablet, but if I could, I would be putting in the one with the wobbly eyes!

Some really good news is that when I went to the orthopod yesterday (after my chiro appt), I got a cortisone shot in my hip (OOOOUUUCCHHHH' DID THAT EVER HURT! But, by early afternoon today, the pain in my hip, which was just excruciating at times, is COMPLETELY GONE! HOORAY AND HALLELUJAH!!! THANK YOU GOD! the lower back pain is still present some, so I will finish up the treatment for that with the chiro. I couldn't do that agony with the chiro on my hip again, so that ia why I went ahead with the shot. I cannt tell you what a relief it was! Thank you everyone, for your concern and caring. Becky, I wish yourproblems could besolved with just a shot oe two. Someone else on BI is also having a back problem but I can't rememberwho...Ihope you are feeling better soon.

Leah,I am so so sorry you are being jerked back and forth by the court system and I pray all works out for you and the children. Sorry your mom got sick, also. Prayers for you all.

Becky, for some weird reason, I was not able to watch your video before, but snce you changed it to your own voice, Iwas able to watch it on my tablet. I don't know how you were able to get through it, but I am sure Jared was right there with you and it all got done out of your love for him. Beautiful!

Linda, amazing, just pure and simply amazing. Your Robert is with you. Always. The pictures are great...Robert is a very handsome man.

Colleen, " This will be both a celebration of life and a complete sadness of what we have lost." Your words are so heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time. We will all be standing with you, holding on together. Sending love and strength.

Maddy, the pretending...I think we've all walked on that road at one time or another on this journey. While I agree with what Linda said about her fear that it may make it more difficult to finally face the truth, at the same time, I found it necessay at times. Whatever works, for whenever.

Dee, so glad you got your letter done. You will send yet another group of children on to their next grade, equipped a little more to believe in themselves, and ultimately carry that belief with into their futures. They are blessed, as are you, to have been given such talents and be willing to share them so admirably.

Love to all,a good night'ssleep, perhaps a chance to dream a sweet dream of your angel.

[mrsduc]

I neeed all the prayers that I can get this weekend. My youngest son has decided that I can see my granddaughter this Sunday. I am so nervous. But I have decided that I cannot be anything then what I am and if he can not handle that then I need to know now. I have walked on egg shells most of my lif and I am tired of doing that.I hope that my granddaughter won't cry because she does not know me at all. I have not been allowed to be around her and she will be a year old this July 13th. I was not going to go to her birthday party because I told Chris that why should I go to her party when I have not been allowed in her life for the last year and that is why he decided to let me see her. But I hav said something way back in Feb. when we had Robert's memorial. But I just want to make sure that she is happy and will like me. I am a completely stranger to her. And that is so sad. I asked if I was allowed to by her any toys and I her his wife (who is the cause of all of this) said very loud to make sure it is age appropriate. Like I have never had kids myself. Guess she thinks since I lost my boys that I don't know anything about raising kids. Whatever. And I have to deal with her too. What fun. But will do whatever I have to do so that I can see my granddaughter. So just keep me in mind and hope all goes well for me. Thanks

[Ivy]

I first wanted to thank everyone for the support I got after I posted my first post. i havent been back here since then because I have been in denial about my son's death. Coming here was like a reminder that, YES, he's actually dead. I was like I read in one book, " avoiding the void" Just recently, I started to feel the emptiness, the loneliness , the hollow pit in your stomach, the aching and longing in your heart slowly start to creep in. It hurts! I know, it's all part of the grief process, but I think I like the denial stage better. Today, June 1, was a difficult day. The day of my son's prom. The day he was looking forward to. The experience and memory that we were robbed of. His friend came over to see me before the prom. They were dressed up . It was a sweet gesture and I'm grateful and appreciate that his friends are thoughtful. I'm not going to lie, that was difficult it made me sad...extremely. It's only the start. I haven't yet experience the full magnitude of these feelings. I'm fragile as it, so I'm scared, that i may reach my breaking point. Any words of wisdom or suggestion that have helped or comforted you during this stage of grief would be appreciated.

Thank you in advanced,

Ivy

[mikesmum]

I'm here guys...reading mostly . This journey takes us through such peaks and valleys.....of late I am in a valley. Could speculate on why, but it could range from the weather to old age, to being worn out trying and just feeling blah Life as they say catches up on us all.

Leah ~ So much heartache already endured its hard to fathom the thinking of the powers that be. I hope you are able to make some positive in roads with the courts. Thoughts with you as you battle as grandma's do.

Linda ~ Your artwork is testament to the love you have for your son. I hope your granddaughter sees a friendly face that she recognises as someone who loves her. I know being out of her life has prevented that early bond, but I have to believe she will know you in some way. Good luck

Colleen ~ I know that tomorrow will be a big day for you. Seeing Brian's name on the brick is something that will take your breath away. I hope its a sunny day with light breezes provided by your boy.....(((Hugs))).

Dee ~ Ahh the end of another school year. It does sound strange given we are only half way through our first semester here. Enjoy your break....take some Dee time

Micheal Shane would be 37 this coming Monday.....we are born 20yrs apart in the same month...our winter. So we know how celebrating in the colder months loses a little of the sparkle... Right now before he turns another year my babies ages line up as though they are only one year apart.....Steven is 34, Melissa is 35 and Mike would be 36......Its a triology, a set of three......my heart still breaks after 5+yrs.....

As always, take care Indigo's....These are pics of my boy...mostly of his birthdays....

Micheal Shane 1yr

Boys first truck

Aged 5 barracked for my team

Aged 6 changed teams

Steven, Zak, Melissa, Emily and Micheal with my mum.. Don't know what they were smiling about, but this reflects them at their best..

[mikesmum]

I first wanted to thank everyone for the support I got after I posted my first post. i havent been back here since then because I have been in denial about my son's death. Coming here was like a reminder that, YES, he's actually dead. I was like I read in one book, " avoiding the void" Just recently, I started to feel the emptiness, the loneliness , the hollow pit in your stomach, the aching and longing in your heart slowly start to creep in. It hurts! I know, it's all part of the grief process, but I think I like the denial stage better. Today, June 1, was a difficult day. The day of my son's prom. The day he was looking forward to. The experience and memory that we were robbed of. His friend came over to see me before the prom. They were dressed up . It was a sweet gesture and I'm grateful and appreciate that his friends are thoughtful. I'm not going to lie, that was difficult it made me sad...extremely. It's only the start. I haven't yet experience the full magnitude of these feelings. I'm fragile as it, so I'm scared, that i may reach my breaking point. Any words of wisdom or suggestion that have helped or comforted you during this stage of grief would be appreciated.

Thank you in advanced,

Ivy

Ivy ~ You said it when you referred to it as 'the grief process'. It is a process that takes its own time. Its as individual as we are. The firsts are never easy..the way others would 'help' us through can sometimes be more painful than they or we could ever imagine.

Words of wisdom in this area are borne mainly from living the experience. I will tell you that the ache, the rage, the weariness and the feelings of loss will ease....They will be with you, but they will find their place and settle.

Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself 'time to miss your boy'. It might not be what others perceive an appropriate 'time for grief'..but what you need. As hard as it might be try to eat healthy, rest when you can and drink plenty of water. If you are able, seek some support.. Here is the place to share, to scream, to tell of your son, who as I have always said is so much more than that one last day....

Come here when you can, when you need....Someone is here, someone who gets it...who understands.....Trudi

[ericasmom]

Ivy, Trudi speaks what we pretty much all feel, that there is no timeline that is the standard for parents in grief, that the process is a long one, it takes a lifetime to learn to live a new life, each day leads us there. Each of us a bit different but all of us sharing a heart wrenching loss, and when the layers of shock lift it is a new experience that is extremely harsh at times and energy draining. Grieving is hard on the body as it deals with the changes from our brains, hearts, so it is important to take in water and juices to resupply the loss of water through our tears, through our lack of sleep...I am so sorry that you have this sadness of all the firsts. I know that the kids that came by in their prom clothes must have been bittersweet to say the least. Such nice kids to come see you, to at that age, have the wherewithall to know what this meant to your Boy and what it means to them to be going without him, but also to know what it might mean to you to see them decked out for the dance. Big hearts on those kids, but I am glad that you are honest with yourself, there was nothing easy about seeing them. I get that alright.

Eri died nearly 9 years ago, she was 19. Those first few years following her death, I saw her friends more regularly, but by 5 years, they were making lives in other places, some of them married and having children...I still see them but more like three or four times a year even though many still live in the vicinity. One of th etimes I see them is coming up,it is our annual event called, ERI-fest. Each July we mark her passing with a yard party, we commemorate ERi's life, we catch up on each others lives, family and friends and my Son and Eri's friends attend if in town. We have a collection box out for the ERICA fund that I have in her name to assist families at the school where I teach. It was the school my children attended when they were little. (i did not teach there then).

Take your time Ivy, let the feelings sweep through you and if you have to stuff the emotions in order to do some work, well then I will lend you my mask, we all have had to wear it, to make it through the days some days. Just remember that we don't have to wear it all the time, we can cry and scream and stare blankly at the sky and if folks ask us what seems to be the issue, tell them the truth, the natural order in life has been altered. Come back and tell us more when you are able.

Trudi, love those photos so much. I am sorry for your time in the valleys of this trip, but I so get it. Peace chicadee.

Carol, thrilled to know that your pain is much relieved. Good for you Dear. Glad that you shopped for new chairs, even if you do have to take one back.

[mikesmomrs]

Dee...all that you and Trudi have said is so very true, and Ivy, there truly is no timeline, and the best you can do is what's best for you. Coming here, reading, posting (if you can), you will work through this very sad time. We are here, many of us have been for a while, and are paving a path for those to come behind us, to be able to live with this terrible loss and learn to breathe again and to actually find, at some point in your future, joy again. The memories that bring such sadness to you now will truly one day warm you, surround you with comfort. We promise. So many of the words I've written in this post have been said by others here, and through this we have all learned to live again, to carry our memories proudly, to walk through the world again with hope in our heart. As Dee has said in the past, "to stand where our children can no longer stand, in their honor," driven by our love for them and their love for us. I think that one of the hardest things for us to do is what Dee says near the end of her post...if someone asks you what the issues seems to be, just tell them the truth. This can be very difficult sometimes because you may not always get a response that will help you, but just being able to talk about it, to be able to say to someone "I've lost my son," can help open our hearts once again to peace-filled moments that can bring us peace-filled days, and joy, once again. It was indeed sad to see your son's friends dressed for the prom that your son did not get to go to, but how sweet it was for them to come and share their love for your son and their friend with you. The tears that their visit may have brought on are thr tears we need to heal. And we will. We will.

[tobyfreefoot]

Trudi-the pictures of micheal are darling. i really love seeing the beautiful sparkle in his eyes.

it is so nice to see pictures of everyone's children's lives. it breaks my heart and makes me smile all at once. i think because i am getting to see more than just the horrible tragedy of all their deaths and get to see the joy and beauty they brought to not only your lives but the world at large.

most of my pics of forest are still at my daughter's where i took them to choose pics for the funeral. i'm not sure why i haven't brought them home yet. he died 11 months ago today. sometimes i still have trouble believing it but i know it must be true because i find myself rocking back and forth and holding my breath with tears in my eyes as i type. i know i will force it away. it is still way too painful to deal with while someone else is in the house and sometimes it is easier to put it off. perhaps i think it will dissipate with time like everyone says and if i can just stave the grief off a little longer... but i'm afraid all of us here know it doesn't work like that.

i often find myself thinking how long? how long? this seems so wearying and so hard to drag this weight. i want to be here for my other children but i wish i could clone myself, leave one behind to love and care for these children and another to lay down in the ground next to forest. those of you that have been at this a few years not to make you feel worse but do you feel like you are moving further and further from your deceased child? my cousin died 5 years ago. my aunt is 86. i feel like how lucky not to have to look at another 30+ years of life. how nice for her to be able in the next decade to lay her burden down. i just don't want to live so many more years. in the back of my mind i'm thinking 5 or 7 more years might be enough for my children to be able to let me go.

[LoriJ]

Hello again. I'm not sure what to say besides thank you. I was awe struck to find a place where it appears people REALLY DO understand. And I just went through the 4 month anniversary. Please forgive me if I seem scatterbrained or it takes me a while to remember names. The therapist I'm seeing says my brain is "protecting" me with what she called disassociative fugue states. Has anyone else gone through these? I'm not sure what to do because they are scary and she said they will likely continue for at least the first year..A YEAR! If you don't know what these are, they are like periods of amnesia. I don't know where my mind goes but it goes someplace. Sometimes I just sit and stare, sometimes I continue functioning but I have no recall of that time. It's not like I go to some "happy place" ..I don't know where my mind goes. It just takes me away from the pain I guess. And given that the pain is getting worse rather than easier I'm scared to death that I'm going to one day "wake up" from one of these and be in timbuktoo or someplace totally unfamiliar.

Gretchen-I can so relate to what you said. I have a 15 yr old daughter still. And I do love her so much. It makes me feel so much guilt that I can't help the overwhelming grief I feel. I hate subjecting her to that. The last thing I want if for her to feel like she is less loved than her brother. I just miss him so much and my body is giving me no choice. I can't fake it. I can't put on a mask for her. I have a friend on FB who's husband is battling brain cancer (glioblastoma..the same fast growing kind my mom fought) and she is having a very hard time, understandably, with it. Sometimes she will post things such as "If you're down and sick remember there are people out there who have it worse. They are battling terminal brain cancer" Nobody has any idea that I read those and think about how I wish I could trade places with him. I'm actually JEALOUS that his pain and suffering will end soon!

I did start a blog called A MOTHER'S HEART that helps some to get my feelings out. If anyone is interested here is the link to it: http://grievingfromt...t.blogspot.com/ There are only a few posts so far.

Again...I am so thankful I found this site. Thank you!

[ericasmom]

did I ever post this photo of Son Jon and husband John and me at Son and Shan's wedding last November?

[mikesmum]

Dee ~ What a beautiful photo on such a lovely occassion...love that colour!

Gretchen ~ I so understand that 'projected time of departure'. I have grown children with grandchildren to boot....I gave myself 5yrs before I would 'leave'. I'm now heading into 6yrs and am torn between the pain of not seeing Micheal and knowing how it hurts that he is gone. I don't know that I would want to inflict that kind of ache on my surviving children and grandies.

So here I sit. Each day I spend the early morning on my computer....looking for answers, hididng out if you like.

Muttley reminds me that I need to move, to walk despite the temperature here being under 10C.

Today I walk with the sun on my face....its a chilly winters day....not unlike a day 37 years ago when Micheal came into my life. I was so uncertain as to how I could possibly be responsible for this little life. I promised him I would love him and keep him safe...The love endures....if only I had the magic to keep him safe..

Micheal Shane and Emily (now 13).

[ericasmom]

MAY YOUR BIRTHDAY IN THE HEAVENS BE FILLED WITH MUSIC AND DANCE Micheal---Please dance with Eri as I know she loves the twinkle in your beautiful eyes, and then swoop down into the arms of the one who loves you BEST of All, your sweet and wondrous Mum, loving her Boy all the way to eternity.

Trudi, 37 years ago a Child born to you gazed into your brown eyes and saw love, saw devotion and deep care, saw hope. And you saw those same things in HIM. He is safe beyond anything we can offer, safe and filled by your love and devotion.

[shorty16]

Forever Andy's Mom

You are in the right place. For the first year, everything I set down, I lost. I would even be driving and forget where I was suppose to be?!?!?!

Yes, this does last a bit, but you will get most of your brain back.

The 4th angelversary of my son, Brian is approaching on the 19th of June. He was 16 when he died. He would have been 21 this year 7-12. A tough 2 months coming for my family...

Another thing I learned, is sometimes the days leading up to an event are worse than the event itself.

Please tell us about your boy - Here we love to hear their name!!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother FOrever

[shorty16]

[Happy Birthday, Micheal

Trudi - Sending my love across the ocean.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mrsduc]

I know without a doubt that my son Robert made today happen for me. I do not know if there will ever be another day, but I will cherish this day for the rest of my life. My little granddaughter was great to be around. I was so worried that she would cry since she did not know me, but she was great. She loved my husband alot. I would love to get more time with my granddaughter but right now I am happy with today. This was one of the best days I have had since Robert died. And it will be five months tomorrow that Robert killed himself. I belive he died around 1:30am and 2am on Jan. 4th because his last video is on Jan. 3rd and he said it was just about midnight there, and he looked pretty messed up. So tomorrow will not be a good day for me. But I know some how some way I will get thru because I have no choice. But if I did have a choice I would rather be with Robert right now then anything else in the world. That might sound selfish but that is how I feel and I cannot not denie my feelings or help the way I feel. Robert meant so much to me and time is not making the pain less, but actually it is making it somewhat worse. We had become such good friends and something will happen now and the first thing I think is I need to call and then I remember I can't call Robert anymore to tell him about anything. There was nothing that Robert and I did not talk about. I will never have that with my other boys for they are not anywhere near coming close to being willing to even open up with me, let alone talk about their feelings with me. Heck I have not heard from my middle son since I saw him at the memorial that his grandparents had in Feb. But I have given up trying unless they start trying. Like Chris did today it is a start and I hope for it will continue.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

^{Happy Birthday, Micheal!!}

^{I pray, Trudi, that you will feel his presence in a special way. God Bless!}

[hotrod]

DEAR MICHEAL

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

SURROUND YOUR MOM WITH THE WARMTH OF YOUR LOVE

AND

TOUCH HER WITH YOUR SWEET SPIRIT

[ericasmom]

Andy's Mom, the confusion and amnesia-type behavior is common in this uncommon time. I know that processing what folks were talking about and sorting through auditory things was hard, except for music, music was necessary for me when Eri died. Imean I always had the radio on or tapes/CDs so when she died, I needed music almost as my companion. It allowed and even invited my tears, the lyrics twisting around my heart as so many songs touch on sadness and loss of one sort or another. I went back to work at aroudn 5 weeks after Erica was killed, I teach and she died in the summer (2003) so I had a built in time to figure a few things out and be quiet with the days. I was worried that I would not process well enough to remember the children's names and to be able to make lesson plans and communicate with parents, but as it turned out, I was able to do all of that and it probably was the best thing for me. Anyhow, it does take time to grab hold of the brain power once enjoyed, it will come. I read your blog, it is a good way for you to release some of that pent up stuff.

Linda, your Grandgirl is so pretty. I am so glad that you were with her today. Let that fill you and let you rest tonight.

[mikesmomrs]

Linda...so very glad for you that you had such a joyous day with yourgranddaughter...how sweet she is. l pray that you will have many more of these memorable days, but as you said, for now, this day has been a treasure to hold close in your heart. thanks for the picture.

Dee...the picture of you and Jon and John...so beautiful...I can feel Eri's presence right there with all of you, reflecting out through you all like an aura of love.

[Susie_q512]

I'm still here....still have that damn pulse that I have come to despise. Don't check in very much any more, and unsure why that is? Maybe 3 times in the last few months? I've read a few posts, and they mirror where I am. I feel dead except for the pain. I want to die and question how long I must remain here. I also feel guilty in regards to this desire to leave this life....to just say "F-YOU", and be done with it. I feel as though I am torn between my two girls. To stay here seems a betrayal of Shannon, but to choose to leave means abandoning Ragan. I love them both equally, and this causes me to feel so torn between the two of them. I took some stupid "How long will I live?" quiz which is based on current health, and it said to 83.4 years old. I was furious! I yelled out "That **** ain't happening!" I might can do a decade....maybe two for Ragan's sake, but I refuse to live that long being separated from Shannon. Guess I'm in a bad place? Not much hope.....no joy.....and I don't care....seems it's as it should be. June is here....the 19th would have been her 17th birthday....SHOULD have been her 17th birthday! Another school year has ended. She would have been/should BE an official Senior. She would have been so excited and thrilled.....instead, she's dead. No proms, no graduation....nothing! It will always be "nothing". Her boyfriend has apparently found himself another girl. His facebook status reflects him in a relationship with some girl. It's only been 8 1/2 months. I know life goes on, and I want his life to continue, but their's was the young "first love".....they had plans..... he said wanted to marry her.....said she was his life, his soul mate, his best friend, the mother of his unborn children. They had plans, and yes, I know that they are young and foolish, but still.....guess I expected him to wait at least a year before finding someone else and moving on. It feels as though she has been "replaced". Didn't think it would bother me, but it has. Finally cancelled her cell phone....just one more action that seems to erase her....another door closed....another end. I'm angry. I don't understand. I balk at the reality of it. I resist this damn life and future that I do not want. I put on the "mask"....the "front". I go through the motions. I do things that I have no memory of doing, even when they happened only moments before. My mind, my heart, my soul is not present. I am consumed with the loss of her.....and yes, it feels like I have lost her....like she's just out of the safety of my sight and reach.

Jeff had a dream recently. He saw and spoke with Shannon. He asked her who would see her first, me or him? She didn't answer, but as she hugged him goodbye, she said "Tell Mom I'll be seeing her soon." When he told me of this dream and her last comment, my heart leaped with anticipation and excitement.....I thought "Maybe I'm gonna die!", and that thought filled me with hope and eagerness.....but alas, I'm still here and quite disappointed that I haven't "died" yet. Funny how so many fear death, and yet I long for it. Seems life is the curse, and death is the blessing. I really can't wait for my turn to make that exit. I'm not necessarily suicidal, but I would be A-Okay with it....not a problem at all for me to die.

Every day without her is hell. One of my co-workers recently made the comment "another day done".....my response was "And one more step closer to the grave." Just doing the countdown. Truth makes people so uncomfortable, but I'm brutally honest. Most of the time though, I play nice and considerate..... occasionally I slip and allow a little too much honesty to filter through. Hell, I'm probably doing that right now.

Colleen - Please know that I am thinking of you. Candle lit for our two angels. Planning to release night lanterns at the cemetery to acknowledge Shannon's B'day on the 19th. One will be released in honor of you, your boy,and your family. Maybe they will see the glowing ascent into the night sky and know they are for them? Holding you ever so close during this time.

Kate - Hoping you are okay.

To everyone else - I haven't forgotten any of you and think of each of you daily.

To those newbies - I am so sorry that you have found yourself on this road. Prayers for each of you. Hopefully, at some point, I'll be in a better place and can offer the support you each need.

[mikesmomrs]

Susan: I am glad to see you again, though so very sorry that you are in such a tough place in your grief. I can remember, about a year or so after Mike died, I was prematurely diagnosed with kidney cancer. It wasn't but minutes before I was thinking "I will see Mike sooner, so it's okay." That "death wish" is something we live with, especially when we know that we are still needed here, sometimes much to our dismay. I can say that Shannon is with you (and you and I know that she is) but that is not what you want right now. You want her with you, physically, or you with her, and that is totally understandable. I wish I could place her right in front of you, smiling at you, but all I can do is be here for you, ready to listen, to offer comfort, offer my friendship and understanding of your pain. These days that come by and remind us of what they are missing by being gone from this earth are so very painful. Proms. Senior year. Boyfriends. All those things that we see happening to their friends just makes it harder, I know. I am so sorry.

How is Ragan doing? She is still in school, isn't she? I can't remember, and I apologize for that. I know that your hubby is ill; how is he doing? I pray your strength, Susan, and I ask your sweet Shannon to help you find a peaceful moment, a sweet memory that will help your heart to feel some peace.

sending love and strength to you,

[mikesmomrs]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MICHEAL SHANE....HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.

Celebrate with our angels, fly free and happy and healthy. Your memories live on, always, and the love of your mum is strong and always. Surround her with your sweet spirit on this day. Help her to remember the joy of your being in her life, the wondrous, magical joy of that very first day you entered her world.

Trudi: Holding you close.

[mikesmum]

Thank you all for the loving words of understanding and support...

The day started out in brilliant sunshine, walking the puppy with tears as I went. I sat down at 'my' cafe with a coffee basking with Muttley in the early morning sun. Mal (my other half) arrived and presented me with a cup cake, blue candle burning...Just wanted me to know he hadn't forgotten it was Mikes birthday.

So the meltdown began...in front of the cafe.

These days take you down, they remind you of just how much part of you went that one day....

My son keeps good company now ~ some of the best...

This morning out my front door.

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi...the picture is beautiful...Mike sent you a b'day gift for his birthday :-)

Just want to share a picture I did yesterday. downloaded a camera program on my tablet and was fooling around with some pics. This is of Damon, sleeping on our sofa on an overnighter, last year. Sketching/drawing is something I don't have the talent for on my own, but these programs are just awesome. Damon looks SO much like his dad at this age, in this sketch.

[LoriJ]

Wow, as I look out my window I guess it's good morning already! But I haven't been to sleep yet so I believe it still counts to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICHAEL! By now I'm sure you've met my Andy because he loves a celebration.

Dee- Thank you. I have so many things I want to say thank you for but the sun is getting brighter outside and I do need to try and get some sleep tonight..so just thank you for being so caring and having the right words from my first post on here. I'd say that Amdy will probably get Eri up dancing but it would be more likely to get her laughing...he could never dance. (sorry babe but tis true) Unless it was just he couldn't dance with his mom?

Brian's mom- thank you too! Andy would have turned 21 April 11th...Our boys are just months apart in age!

Ouch...today wasn't too bad...the ouch and me still being up is because I'm so sore I didn't want to move from the couch...had a good day on my bike aside from a llittle rain...stopped by the computer on my way to bed. Mistake...I should have kept going while I had some momentum behind me. Goodmorning and Good night..

Pic is one of our only family pictures we have....that's something I have changed. I had kept avoiding being in pictures because I had gained so much weight with my illness then I realized I have very few pictures of Andy and myself...that's not happening with my daughter and myself.

[ericasmom]

Andy's Mom, get to bed and hopefully get some deep rest.

Susan, the ache and despair you are feeling is equivalent to nothing else. It is a knock-out punch that keeps hitting, hitting, hitting. I do think however that the dream that Jeff had means that Shan is with you all the time, that she is trying to find ways to let you know that she is with you, she sees you, she knows your ache. You have not forsaken her for living Susan, you must understand this. She does not want you to die in order to show your devotion, she really knows your devotion. If ever we don't believe that our kids get it, THEY GET IT, way better than anyone else. They get it and they don't want you to suffer but they know that you are of course. They sure don't want their siblings to suffer even more than they already are so they are hopeful, watchful, to see us back on our feet as we move forward, they love us completely and want us to live our best lives, knowing that that will take time. They want us to stand where they no longer can and make a difference that is good in the world. Watch for her light Susan, it shines for you and inside you, listen to the quiet of her love. She will help guide you but never ever think that you have forsaken her.

[mikesmomrs]

Has anyone noticed the "orb" right in the middle of Trudi's picture of out her front door? And right down straight from the orb, a little to the right, as the close up tree line begins, is a beautiful heart, "just for you, mum". Oh, yes, Miss Trudi, your Micheal was right there with you, as you looked out that lens, looking right back at you!

Andy's mom...many nights I look up and see the daylight before I can hold my eyelids shut for any length of time...hope you got a few hour's sleep!

[tobyfreefoot]

Forever Andy's Mom

You are in the right place. For the first year, everything I set down, I lost. I would even be driving and forget where I was suppose to be?!?!?!

Yes, this does last a bit, but you will get most of your brain back.

The 4th angelversary of my son, Brian is approaching on the 19th of June. He was 16 when he died. He would have been 21 this year 7-12. A tough 2 months coming for my family...

Another thing I learned, is sometimes the days leading up to an event are worse than the event itself.

Please tell us about your boy - Here we love to hear their name!!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother FOrever

boy colleen this is going to get better right? my son died 11 months ago. i am still totally disoriented, confused and absent minded isn't even the word.

[tobyfreefoot]

I know without a doubt that my son Robert made today happen for me. I do not know if there will ever be another day, but I will cherish this day for the rest of my life. My little granddaughter was great to be around. I was so worried that she would cry since she did not know me, but she was great. She loved my husband alot. I would love to get more time with my granddaughter but right now I am happy with today. This was one of the best days I have had since Robert died. And it will be five months tomorrow that Robert killed himself. I belive he died around 1:30am and 2am on Jan. 4th because his last video is on Jan. 3rd and he said it was just about midnight there, and he looked pretty messed up. So tomorrow will not be a good day for me. But I know some how some way I will get thru because I have no choice. But if I did have a choice I would rather be with Robert right now then anything else in the world. That might sound selfish but that is how I feel and I cannot not denie my feelings or help the way I feel. Robert meant so much to me and time is not making the pain less, but actually it is making it somewhat worse. We had become such good friends and something will happen now and the first thing I think is I need to call and then I remember I can't call Robert anymore to tell him about anything. There was nothing that Robert and I did not talk about. I will never have that with my other boys for they are not anywhere near coming close to being willing to even open up with me, let alone talk about their feelings with me. Heck I have not heard from my middle son since I saw him at the memorial that his grandparents had in Feb. But I have given up trying unless they start trying. Like Chris did today it is a start and I hope for it will continue.

beautiful pic linda. so glad your son chris made a move. we don't have any control over others feelings. you've done your best the rest is up to them. my husband has similar problems with his children. we finally gave up. he was so tired of being hurt.

[tobyfreefoot]

Andy's Mom, get to bed and hopefully get some deep rest.

Susan, the ache and despair you are feeling is equivalent to nothing else. It is a knock-out punch that keeps hitting, hitting, hitting. I do think however that the dream that Jeff had means that Shan is with you all the time, that she is trying to find ways to let you know that she is with you, she sees you, she knows your ache. You have not forsaken her for living Susan, you must understand this. She does not want you to die in order to show your devotion, she really knows your devotion. If ever we don't believe that our kids get it, THEY GET IT, way better than anyone else. They get it and they don't want you to suffer but they know that you are of course. They sure don't want their siblings to suffer even more than they already are so they are hopeful, watchful, to see us back on our feet as we move forward, they love us completely and want us to live our best lives, knowing that that will take time. They want us to stand where they no longer can and make a difference that is good in the world. Watch for her light Susan, it shines for you and inside you, listen to the quiet of her love. She will help guide you but never ever think that you have forsaken her.

Dee these words were important for me to read today too. thank you.

[517958]

Susan, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time lately. I know the feeling of sitting there and trying to will my heart to stop beating and the darn thing just keeps on going! I too feel the pull between wanting to go be with the one I lost and knowing I have to be here for the 2 I have here. A few days before Charlotte's accident, we bought her a little Hello Kitty alarm clock which has quite a noisy second hand. It now sits in her room and every time I go in there. I pause and listen to the seconds tick away. Somehow it's oddly comforting because I know the only thing that separates us now is time so every second that passes brings me closer to her. But I also know that I have a life left for me here. My babies will one day have babies of their own and I hope to be here long enough to hold and meet them. I live in the promise that I will be reunited with Charlotte someday - what's not promised is my life here so I'm going to try to live it the best I can and love those around me as long as I have them here. Somedays that's easier to do than others but I just keep going. I think of you Susan, and everyone here, often.

On another note, my family just returned from a vacation at Faith's Lodge in Danbury, WI. It's a place for families grieving the loss of a child. The experience was wonderful. My children got to be around other children facing the loss of a sibling, and they just had tons of things to do for them - arts and crafts, outdoor activities, etc. The best part for my husband and me was the opportunity to meet face-to-face with others who have lost children. And the most miraculous part is there was another couple there who lost their 6 year old daughter, their oldest, due to being overcome in a hot tub and drowning. The circumstances surrounding the accident were strikingly similar to our story so we bonded. I think it always feels better to know you're not alone. If anyone is in the WI area, it's worth a trip there.

[mrsduc]

Well today is a very bad day for me. It is the 5th anniversary of Robert killing himself and me knowing that he layed there for the next two weeks. That just kills me. Why didn't his friends know something was wrong when Robert who always called them everyday or texted them or would always post of FB and he was not doing any of that and did not return any of their calls. But none of them even thought to go to his apartment to see if there was anything wrong. And his neighbors who lived around him did not notice for two weeks that he had not been walking his dogs like he use to. They told me that he was always taking his dogs out and he would be talking to them. So why did it take them two weeks to realize that they had not seen him walk his dogs. It makes me anger and sad that Robert always told me he felt so alone and knowing he laid there for two weeks makes me think he was right. But I try to say that people have there on life and they get invovled in there on problems and before you know it days and weeks go by. But it still hurts. I miss him so much and it is so raw the pain. If I was told that I was going to die today or tomorrow I would jump for joy even though I know that my husband Donald would be hurting without me. That is how much I love and miss Robert. I want to be with him more than the breaths that I take. I hate this life without him. I am just exsisting and pretending that everything is ok when really it will never be ok again. Robert will never see his neice who when you look at her eyes you can see Robert in her. She has his beautiful special blue eyes. I was holding her yesterday and I told her that her Uncle Robert loved her and that me and her daddy would tell her all the time about her Uncle and then Chris told me that I needed to stop. So Robert is a subject that I am not allowed to talk about with him. i did not sleep last night until 5am and got up at 9. I have been a mess all day. I want to cry and tears come and fall but it gives me no relief. So I stop and then I can feel the pain all the way to my soul. I know that Robert would not have wanted to hurt me like this and I know it had nothing to do with me, but I feel like all my life I have gotten the short end of the stick when it came to people that I loved so much. I will never say goodbye to him. But I keep wondering why God put him on this earth knowning how his life would be and how he would carry all the pain and torment and that God knew Robert would kill himself when he was 32. What was the purpose of his life. To carry pain so others wouldn't have to. what a crappy way to have to have a life. I wish every day that it had been me instead of Robert. God could have made it possible for Robert to fail but no God had decided that it was his time to go home. It seemed to me that God did not care that it would tear me apart in way that I have never hurt before. I would never wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy, but my worst enemy is my ex mother in-law and I have reached out to her because that is the way I am. I know she is hurting as bad as I am. For whatever reason that I do not understand, Robert adored her and loved her so much. I have no reason why since she kept him from me and did many cruel and mean things to him and his brothers. But the type of person I am I reached out to her to tell her I was sorry for her pain and that I thought of her. I knew that she would never reach out to me. I will stop now and for awhile probably because nothing changes except another day without my son and my best friend. That will never change and no amount of talking about it will change it. It hurts more and more each day without him. I just want to hear him and talk to him and have our phone calls and know that I can get on a plane and see him again. I want him and since I can't have him I want my life to be over. I wish that God would have mercy on me and have me die soon. But I fear for some reason I feel like I was put on this earth to be hurt and left alone all the time. I am tired of always getting the short end of the stick in life no matter how hard I try to do the right thing. Thanks for listening to me vent.

[ericasmom]

Angela, so glad that you found that camp for your family. What good connections for everyone to make. There are some wonderful places out there, it is sad taht we need to find them, but I am so glad that if we need them, they seem to exist.

I did not see the orb Carol, but a long swirling darker length in the photo of Trudi's. Starting up top on the left side and leading downward. I thought of Micheal's spirit in that, right there with Mum. Trudi, glad that Mal thought to meet you there with a cupcake complete with candle. Sometimes he knows.

Gretchen, glad that I can be of any help. Remember to be kind to you, just as you would have us do for ourselves.

Leah, any news of Sena yet?

Linda, anniversaries are very hard, and 5 months is a long long time. I am sorry.

[shellyku]

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY MICHAEL

SHANE!! Trudi - I hope you felt Michael near you as you remembered

that magical day he was born. And what a lovely gesture when Mal brought you

the cupcake. Peace to you...Shelly

[JD's Mom, Becky]

35 weeks today, Jared. Only 15, but you were fast becoming a man....

I miss you so much!

http://delmarpopwarn...videoplayer.htm

[mikesmum]

OMG ~ Carol I just checked the image....yes I see it, but it wasn't there when I posted it

Got Mal to look at the image and yes its there, but when I showed him after taking it...it was clear blue...

[tobyfreefoot]

so my beautiful daughter allison brought my grandbaby to see me today. we talked about how i wondered if they could do without me in about 5 years. she said "mom i need you and i need help to raise madelyn and hopefully 2 or 3 more. michael always says he never saw siblings as close as we are so i want to have a bunch like we were growing up" she also said " i can't believe this happened to our family, because we are such cool kids and really nice." LOL i see i didn't fail to give them a high self esteem! ha ha!