Loss of an Adult Child

[Maddy6]

Darlene, What you said is so profound and beautiful. I need to take hold of your shirttails and try to think like that. But you know, you are right. I am so much better of a person now. Rachael would be proud of the person I am.

Linda, Good to hear from you and the tattoo is beautiful. I am not sure about the goodbye thing. When I first read what you wrote last night, it almost felt like a release at the thought of saying goodbye. Like, oh, if I do that I could move on, but she will still be with me. So it is goodbye to once was, only. And I thought, oh, if I do that, it could help me. Then I was not sure. I then began to think maybe I was not a good parent to feel that way. So I wanted to see what everyone else said. .

Jenn, Your post prompted me to look up Led Zeppelin, and brought back memories of a concert years ago J. Yes, you are correct we are drawn to each other. We understand each other’s pain and we are the only ones who can. The one’s who have experienced it. So it is a common bond that we really wish we did not have because of the reason.

Anyway, I am off to class this afternoon and my boys last day of school is Friday. My older boys go to school summer semester with me. So we wil have a busy summer.

LOVE,

MADDY

[mrsduc]

Thank you for responding to my question of how you all deal with whether you can say goodbye to your child that has gone to Heaven. For me I read at my son's memorial service at the end that I would and could not ever say goodbye because I know we will see each other again. I feel that if I say goodbye it would be like he never exsisted and that I did not love him and I just cannot do it. He means to much to me even in death. As a mother they say you worry about your children until the day you die. But the forgot to say that for atleast me I worry about and love my Robert even in death. I worry that he is all right and is finally at peace. I worry if he finally knows the whole truth about what his grandparents did and said and he understands all of it now. I worry if he is being surrounded by love that he so much deserves. I cannot stop being a mother just because he died.

Now about my tattoo yes it hurt only in certain areas. Up by the collar bone and around near my arm pit. i was suppose to go in tomorrow to get the portrait done of Robert on my upper back but I canceled until Monday because the tattoo hurts so badly today. I want to have a few days to heal before I try to lay on a table or lean up against a special chair to have the back tattoo done. I just know that I would not make it. Now the back tattoo will be done with his ashes. The beach scene one all the black and gray areas have Robert's ashes in it. I am so very happy with how it turned out and it will only take about two weeks to truely heal and then I will have to be careful when I go to CA in July because I have to wear sunscreen over the tattoos because for the first year the sun can damage the tattoo or something like that. I am not quite sure why, but I am just going to do what they tell me to do.

[Maddy6]

Linda,

I fully understand what you are saying the way you explain it about saying good bye. Looking it the way you explain it, I agree with you that you should never say goodbye. Although what you said I think is still perhaps food for thought for me, as I said, I had not thought of it. But, no, YOU should never tell your precious Robert goodbye. And do not let anyone tell you otherwise. You are doing so very well now and your tattoos are wonderful and I know will bring you comfort.

LOVE,

MADDY

[Jeff's Mom]

I spent some time at the cemetary today...this poem came to me while I was there. I'm a writer but I haven't been able to write anything at all since his death til this today.

I just can't say

Goodbye to you

Please someone

Tell me it's not true!

Wake me from

This horrible dream

And put things back

As they SHOULD be!

I cannot say

... Goodbye my son

Because a mother and child

Are always one.

From MY flesh

You were formed

And from MY body

You were born

In my heart

You were nurtured and grew

I lose myself

If I lose you...

They still don't have his name up on his tomb so I made the plaque you see in the pic to put out there until his name gets put up. Andy loved football. Despite that being how he got injured he always said if they could fix him so he could, he would play again. The flag and eagle is because he also loved our constitution, law and politics the way our founding father's intended it. Ironically we never intentionally centered his funeral around Eagles but it turned out that way (nice) and sometimes when I visit him in the cemetary an Eagle will swoop down over me and hang around...then follow my car til I get into town then it turns back.

I cannot bear the thought of him being gone. Sometimes I entertain the idea that I'm actually in a coma and I'm going to be brought out and everything is going to be back like it was...and Andy is going to be healthy and fine...done with college, married and happy. I can even reason it...I was very sick with my own illness before he got injured. Three times they didn't think I would pull through so who knows? Maybe one of those times I actualy slipped into a coma? That would explain how I get by without sleeping now, why my existence is mostly confined to this house, why I hardly ever eat but my weight remains the same.. Don't most people who have lost a child have family stop by to check on them? See how they are doing? I have a large family but I don't have anyone stopping by the house.And it would explain why it seems as if I am the only one mourning...I haven't seen my husband or daughter cry. It's been more like life as normal for them. Could be possible! Or...just a writers imagination wishing...or I am losing my mind...IF it is the case though...I wish someone would tell me how to wake up!

Andy's Mom..first of all, I just would like to say again how much I enjoyed reading your poem . It has definitely not been long for you. Thinking back to four months after Jeff died I found myself busily focusing on preparing his memorial gathering. He died in December of 2009...but it was determined to have his gathering held outdoors in the summer. It helped me to focus on doing as much that was positive in his memory that I could. But underneath I was beyond raw and in denial. It takes a long time for the shock and disbelief to slowly fade away to acceptance. And the acceptance is then the start of another phase in the grief process. Robert's Mom asked how and if we can actually say "goodbye". I do not believe that for me it is possible. I can only carry this loss if I hold on to the fact that I honestly believe I will see him again one day. So, in a way...it is not goodby. But until I see you again mentality.

As to family helping us along this difficult road. It depends on each personal situation. Some are fortunate that they have the support of loving family and caring friends. Others are not as lucky. The loss compounded with the hurt and disappointment of others letting us down makes it even more difficult to move forward. Why don't people get it? I just don't know. I wish I could. My only other child has not mentioned Jeff's name once since he died. He clearly does not want to talk about him. My MIL for the two years previous to her death removed all of his pics from her home and put them in a drawer. It cut to the bone to see how he had been wiped off the face of the earth. But not by all. Definitely not by all.

You are not losing your mind. Definitely not. Just trying to make your way through this painful situation. Hang in there.

Kate

[tobyfreefoot]

Well I got the tattoo today over my left breast. They used some of Robert's ashes, so he will be with me always and when I look in the mirror I know what the tattoo symbolizes. I will explain. First the footprints in the sand is Robert going into the ocean and the sun represents the song I sang to him "You Are My Sunshine". It hurt alot in certain areas. I am going Wednesday to get Robert's portrait on my upper back with his ashes in it all over.

Now I have a question for everyone and I am not trying to upset anyone and I may not say this in the right way, but I will try. Has anyone of you that has lost a child in whatever way, said goodbye to that child. I was told that I needed to say goodbye to Robert and I just cannot do that. I would feel like then it would be like he never exsisted in the first place. I was just wondering if any of you have any feelings about this. thanks

i will never say goodbye. i couldn't possibly. how incredibly sad and final that would be for me. you guys probably know i am not of a traditional belief system and my thoughts on that vary from time to time but i do believe that mass/energy are constant therefore something must be happening with the wild energy my son had. i always hang on to that in my darkest moments. his energy may be less organized but not gone so saying goodbye for me just doesn't make sense. also glad to see you got your first tattoo done and they didn't mess it up! also glad to see your sister is there for you.

[BrendaDup59]

Hi, I have been reading daily but I have not been able to post since my last one, it has just been 10 weeks since I lost Brian, I last spoke to him the Thursday before he was killed the last thing I said to him was I love you and he said I love you too mom, he lived in Northern KY about an hour and forty five minutes away, after my husband Brian's step dad broke the horrible news to me I lost it, I didn't get to see him until the funeral, when we went up to help Traci with the arraignments my husband went in to see if he thought I could handle seeing him before they worked on him and he told me he thought I should wait, he left it up to me and Traci and I decided to wait it was hard enough to see him in a coffin but I didn't want the image of how bad he looked his head was smashed in some on one side and I did see that and it it broke my heart. he had such a beautiful head ,he did his own hair cuts. I miss him so much I am still unable to talk or see picture with out crying my eyes out. I miss him more every day . Brian's best friend Shane is really having a hard time dealing with it he was there when he died, no one can figure out what happen ,Lisa Shane's wife has felt it wasn't his fault she think the accident was the women's fault. we will never know and it wont bring him back . so I do not think about it. Brett my middle son is still not speaking to me or my family, I keep hearing comments that he is dealing with it his own way, give him time, well Brett had been pulling away from us for a long time thanks to my daughter in law, who I know is behind this, I just happen to have the daughter in law from Hell he got this way after he married Sarah. so I lost not one but both of my son's , Brian would be so heartbroken if he knew how Brett was treating us.

I have tried to get back in to my drawings, I started teaching myself 4 years ago , mostly animals but decided to try people, Brian had ask me to draw a deer for him and I had already planned on it ,I had finished it but never got the chance to give it to him( he saw it on Face Book ) so I put it with him in his coffin , and he had ask me to put another deer I had done in a frame for his best friend Shane so I did and gave it to him at the funeral. Brian had called me after I had done my first portrait of his daughter Jaci and said he was going to help me make money he had lots of friends that would want me to draw their kids , I was telling Brian I was not ready and he kept say yes you are and wouldn't take no for an answer he said he was going to be my so called agent..lol he had so much more confidence in me then I did. I have picked up my pencils a couple of times but I cant seem to get my heart back into it. I hope to someday draw Brian's portrait that is when I can look at his picture without crying . I just wanted you all to know I do read and think about all of you it has just been so hard .

I will add my drawings I did for him . the first one is the one I put with Brian, the other deer is the one I gave his best friend , and then my first portrait his daughter Jaci.

[mysonrich]

You'll be there....written On Richs cake at the reception.." We'll see you on the other side". No good-bye.

[tobyfreefoot]

well i just lost my long post so i will try again. sat. forest's and my friends and his sister made a sand painting of princess peach on his grave since we don't have the memorial yet. it was a nice time not sad. i want his grave site to be a place where we can gather and share the joy and love forest gave us, and enjoy each other through the connection we all now have. it will help keep him alive for all of us and he would be glad he had become the meet up spot (his house always was) but sunday was another story... bobby and i went to the movie which is a big deal for us. everything was great until driving home (he was playing country music which i dislike but i was quiet about it) a song about a mother never getting to see her son again starts and he turns it UP! i said "i can't believe you turned that up" he got all cranky about it and switched to another station with a song about a child being 6' underground. he said this is better it's from the forties. i just couldn't believe it. i said " yeah it's great as long as you're not the mother of a son 6' underground" he proceeded to tell me it was memorial day and all the stations were playing that stuff. he has a penchant for sad child death songs anyway which i have complained about for 14 years. he already knows i hate them. i just went to bed. the next day i was soooo melancholy. i still haven't snapped out of it. he got up and said "i didn't do anything wrong" no, but how insensitive can he be? at christmas he played this stupid song by walter brennen about these letters that came telling mama none of the kids would be home for christmas. gee blah! my first christmas! anyway i am not my old self either. i am not a better person just a less flamboyant, crazy fun person. i feel so toned down inside. even my mother said she could see a difference in me. i was still fun but not as much fun as i use to be. i just lack enthusiasm now. i feel like staring into space with a blank mind, something i have NEVER done before. i usually have a thousand projects going and am pretty upbeat. but this year i just dragged myself out to plant the garden, still have not begun a graduation gift i am making, generally don't feel excited about anything.

even getting ice cream doesn't excite me anymore. i just don't have any sparkle left.

another point about saying goodbye, i feel sometimes like forest is such a part of me, even the air i exhale and the sensation sometimes i feel under my skin that saying goodbye would be like saying it to myself. just unfathomably ridiculous.

maddy-bobby is not going to get the same woman back either. on top of that intimacy seems near impossible because i have intruding thoughts too often and i just could care less. maybe if he was forest's father it would be different, like clutching a lifeboat but right now it just isn't. pics attached sand painting and friends, crown being attached today by one of my high school friends because we forgot to put one on peach, madelyn sits up in the cart and allison as mom (note madelyn's brown quarter in her left eye-we say it is forest's addition because his eyes were nearly black) well i guess i'll post pics later-doesn't want to co-operate

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi, I have been reading daily but I have not been able to post since my last one, it has just been 10 weeks since I lost Brian, I last spoke to him the Thursday before he was killed the last thing I said to him was I love you and he said I love you too mom, he lived in Northern KY about an hour and forty five minutes away, after my husband Brian's step dad broke the horrible news to me I lost it, I didn't get to see him until the funeral, when we went up to help Traci with the arraignments my husband went in to see if he thought I could handle seeing him before they worked on him and he told me he thought I should wait, he left it up to me and Traci and I decided to wait it was hard enough to see him in a coffin but I didn't want the image of how bad he looked his head was smashed in some on one side and I did see that and it it broke my heart. he had such a beautiful head ,he did his own hair cuts. I miss him so much I am still unable to talk or see picture with out crying my eyes out. I miss him more every day . Brian's best friend Shane is really having a hard time dealing with it he was there when he died, no one can figure out what happen ,Lisa Shane's wife has felt it wasn't his fault she think the accident was the women's fault. we will never know and it wont bring him back . so I do not think about it. Brett my middle son is still not speaking to me or my family, I keep hearing comments that he is dealing with it his own way, give him time, well Brett had been pulling away from us for a long time thanks to my daughter in law, who I know is behind this, I just happen to have the daughter in law from Hell he got this way after he married Sarah. so I lost not one but both of my son's , Brian would be so heartbroken if he knew how Brett was treating us.

I have tried to get back in to my drawings, I started teaching myself 4 years ago , mostly animals but decided to try people, Brian had ask me to draw a deer for him and I had already planned on it ,I had finished it but never got the chance to give it to him( he saw it on Face Book ) so I put it with him in his coffin , and he had ask me to put another deer I had done in a frame for his best friend Shane so I did and gave it to him at the funeral. Brian had called me after I had done my first portrait of his daughter Jaci and said he was going to help me make money he had lots of friends that would want me to draw their kids , I was telling Brian I was not ready and he kept say yes you are and wouldn't take no for an answer he said he was going to be my so called agent..lol he had so much more confidence in me then I did. I have picked up my pencils a couple of times but I cant seem to get my heart back into it. I hope to someday draw Brian's portrait that is when I can look at his picture without crying . I just wanted you all to know I do read and think about all of you it has just been so hard .

I will add my drawings I did for him . the first one is the one I put with Brian, the other deer is the one I gave his best friend , and then my first portrait his daughter Jaci.

Brenda...your drawings are fantastic! I hope you will continue to keep up with your art work when you feel you can. You are definitely talented.

I'm so sorry you are being treated so poorly by your family. For the life of me I can't understand why or how people can be so insensitive. More then ever you need the support and caring of your other son and his wife right now. I can relate completely. Take care.

[daveydow1]

Rhonda---Your little granddaughter's dance recital must have been so sweet. So exciting to the

little dancers, and their parents , grandparents, friends, etc. I can see where the song "Smile"

would just bring tears to your eyes. So many songs will do that to us, I know.

I don't think we will ever say 'goodbye' to our beloved children, who left this world too soon.

Betsy-----The writing on the cake says it all so well........."We'll see you on the other side----No goodbye"

Gretchen------Sorry that the songs on the radio made you cry. I, so, understand. When I hear one

on radio or t.v. like that, I turn it off quickly. I agree ------sometimes it's just too much to hear. Peace

and comfort to you.

BrendaUp------Beautiful drawings !....thanks for posting them.

WISHING PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[tobyfreefoot]

i have no idea what is going to show up here but...

[tobyfreefoot]

hey maddy-i see you are on site. i aM GETTING READY TO SLEEP. I SOMEHOW BLOTTED FROM MY MIND THE MORNING AFTER OUR NIGHT OUT I WOKE SCREAMING BECAUSE I DREAMED THEY HAD COME TO TELL ME MY MIDDLE SON WAS DEAD FROM A CAR ACCIDENT. NO WONDER I'M LESS THAN CHEERFUL HUH? brother! sorry about the caps!

hope everyone is getting one foot in front of the other. thinking of all of you.

[Maddy6]

Gretchen, We are soooooo much alike.LOVE, MADDY

[mikesmum]

So many long posts. Love the images, the drawings. I found this on FB borrowed by a fellow Indigo (Marica ~ Bethany's mum) from a site called Hole in Our Hearts.

About now this says it all for me.......

[mysonrich]

Here's one for you. January 17, 2009. Metallica at Philadelphia. My son, RICH, is in this video. I won't tell you where. A few hours later he was dead. Not from drugs, Not from smoking, Not from drinking as some along the way have eluded to. From a freaking anomaly in his artery. DEAD. Just like that. And with his birthday approaching. The wedding of his cousin just a few months younger then Rich, I'm having a bit of a hard time. Who need s a freaking critique about music when all some of us want to do is share something that helped me along the way. Hell, it just might help others. I didn't listen to music for almost three years and now that I am again, my son is shining to that fact.

BTW..the title of this song is “ Creeping Death”. Doesn't that give us all a warm,fuzzy feeling!

[ericasmom]

Love all the drawings and tattoos and sand art and thoughts put down today. I was out on the Chicago River with my students today on the architectural tour. Lovely day for it, breezy and in the low 80's. Perfection. I am wiped out from the day, but wanted to touch base. I went to the cemetery yesterday and took my chair and water bottle and journal. It was important to just sit and be still. I was. There is a boy buried near Eri, a soldier who was born two days after Eri but made it to his 20th birthday before a roadside bomb took him. His name is Shawn Christopher, a handsome young man, somehow I think of him with our Angels. I always say hi to Shawn when I go see Eri.

As far as saying good bye. Yes, I did. Erica was struck on the 8th adn died on the 14th, so each day I talked to her, prayed about her, hoped that she could let go on her own, so much damage to her brain and no, she would not live. So as we approached the day that all the machines would be turned off, I definitely told my Daughter that it was okay to leave, that I wish it wasn't happening, but that in order for her to be free and out of this terrible limbo attached to machines, that she needed to let go knowing we would carry her in our hearts forever, just as I am sure she does with us. I said Goodbye my Daughter, it is a good day to fly, it is a blue-sky day. Jonathan and Michael, (their Daddy) and I with her for that last hour or so as she took her last breaths. Hard to think of now, her struggle for air without being intubated, my pretty girl leaving. I said goodbye, but it does not mean I would believe she is gone to me, in fact, I said goodbye as I will see her again and never forget who she is. Once my Girl, always my Girl.

[shorty16]

Hello my dear friends.

May is leading to June and June 19 it will be 4 years since I heard Brian's voice or saw his smile.

Hard to believe.

There has been some good thoughts about saying goodbye.

My opinion - I will not say goodbye. I say, see you later. This is a good topic.

Also, love the poems.

Brian - I love and miss you more than words can say.

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[Maddy6]

Dee, that as it. What you said, about telling Eri goodbye before she left. When Linda asked that question and I realized I had never gotten to tell Rachael goodbye. I realized when I told goodbye and I love you on the phone that night, and later of course I would realize it was our last goodbye. But I did not knowingly get to say good bye to her in life. I would have if she had been sick and I knew she was going to leave. But I did not get that closure. When Linda asked that, suddenly I felt like I needed to do that. Then I knew everyone else may feel otherwise, but I thought okay, why do I feel this way? Cause I knew if I told her goodbye she would still be with me, always in my heart. It could NEVER be otherwise. And what you said Dee, you got to tell your precious Eri good bye before she left. I am going to pray on this and prepare myself, I am not ready yet, but I am going to tell her goodbye because I did not get to in this life. Then I will carry her in my heart. It hurt to think of doing that. But I realized when Linda asked that, that I have been hanging onto her. Not letting her go, not releasing her.

[mrsduc]

Rachael I thank you for answering me. I myself cannot say goodbye to my son for I hope and pray and try to believe that we will see each other again after I leave this earth. Too many things have happened to not believe that there is something after this life. Robert has been doing things to try and get messages to me. He went thru my birth sister Kim's granddaughter, and that was the weirdest and Kim and I knew with not doubt it was Robert. Rachael you say I am doing better. No I am not dealing with it anymore. Which I know is not the way to do it but I have convinced myself that either he is on a job or vacation and can't call me. Robert is in every breath that I take and everything I think I also at the same time think of him. I still am not afraid to die now for it would mean I could be with him. I miss him more today then at the beginning. It is hard for me to believe that in a couple of days it will be 5 months from killing himself. I got the death certificate and I don't even have a date of death, all i have in that box it says found Jan. 17, 2012. I just feel so sad about that.

I am now focusing on the trip to CA for the celebration of Robert's birthday in July. I think this trip is going to be the first time that I won't be able to go to Robert's apartment. i just am not like or really want to go because it will have to make me really confront my loss and I like where I am at right now so that I do not cry all the time and I just have pushed it aside. I know that is not healthy but I do not know when it will stop. Maybe when we go to CA, I do not know. But I am afraid when it all comes crashing down and I finally get to the point that I can finally agree and feel and know that Robert is not on a job or on vacation but he is dead. Interlecturely I know the truth, but the rest of me won;;t and can't handle it anymore so I pretend to some degree. Is this normal or not. Have others talked to people and told them their child was dead but it is almost like I am another person looking at myself and really having no feelings at all. Just exsisting and not allowing myself to really believe he is gone. That is what I am asking has anyone else gone thru this type of thing.

[Maddy6]

Linda, I am sorry I did not sign my post. It is Maddy, Rachael is my daughter. Sweetie you do 'not' need to ever tell Robert goodbye. I was processing some things on where I am. But I do not expect that of you. I meant also that you are doing better from where you were in the beginning. You do not see it, but I can see it. Also, I was in major denial for a long time. I am proud of you for getting the tattoos with the ashes. Your picture with your husband was precious too. Robert is not far from you. Like you said, the messages were undeniably him. I wish I could remove your pain and comfort you. I wish I had all the answers for you. I am here, we are all here, and we care. We know it hurts like hell and we know the raw pain and the missing. We know the feeling of an imaginary limb has been ripped from our body. You are not alone.LOVE,MADDY

[mrsduc]

Maddy I am so sorry for calling your daughters name. I know that it is painful. I live with it everyday but I try to avoid it. It is almost like I am outside my body and I am looking in and also at the sametime it is like when I took care of my mother who had vascular dimension and I had to do things that were hard and I know if my mom was in her right mind would not like for me to do, so I left my body so to speak and just pretended it was a job and not my mother at all. And I think I am doing the same with Robert. the pain is so great I don;t want to deal with it for awhile. I know that it probably not healthy, but I just can;t seem to stop doing this. I am getting the second tattoo of a portrait of Robert with nothing but his ashes put in on Friday. I am nervous because I am not sure how badly it will hurt but I just feel this is something I need to do for me to deal with his death. I just can't fathom that I will never have not only my son but my best friend and I think that is why I have stepped away from it for awhile. I am just worried that when it comes back to me it will be so powerful and probably when I am out in public and probably I will scare the heck out of anyone around me. But I cannot worry about that. I am now concentrating on the trip to CA. I am going to see Cheryl (who helped me clean out Robert;s apartment and she did all the memorial arrangements for the CA memorial and then some) I am looking forward in seeing her. She is my family now. She is taking care of her dying sister which I think if she is having a good day she will be coming to the beach too in a wheelchair and lots of blankets. Cheryl is still having a hard time with Robert's death. She blames herself because he called her and she told him she was at work and would call him when she got off and when she got off she called him and he never answered any of her calls or texts. But it kind of upset me that she did not think to go over to his house. None of his so called friends that said they were like their own family because their real family was on the east coast, never thought something was wrong when Robert was always on his phone and either talking or texting someone or he would be online on FB putting something on his page or answering messages. But no one that so called cared for him even thought that something was wrong that they did not hear from him for two weeks. I knew the first week that something was wrong and I told my sister in-law that I don't want to say the word outloud (that he was dead) but I know something is wrong, but I did not know what to do. It is like I knew or believe that he died on Jan. 4 because he did his last video at almost midnight on Jan. 3rd and you can tell that he was in pretty bad shape and he was fighting to keep his eyes open he was so messed up on all kinds of drugs. But he had himself enough together to tell me to not blame myself or no one else either. he also kept talking about he wanted his dogs to get a good home and only myself and his dad can decide where they go. So it was kind of weird because he was also eating something like potato chips during the maybe 3 minute video. I am so lucky and glad that I have these videos for not alot of people get even a suicide note. So to me I am blessed and I don't take it for granted. I do believe that if he knew really how badly it would devaste me he would not of done it and he would of lived with his pain because he hated to see or know that I was hurting. I think that is why when we spoke that last month he never lied to me when I would say to him that I was so worried with his drug use because not only was he reusing the same needle and getting an infection on his arm that myself and my husband talked to him about. And I found out later that even Cheryl had spoke to him about using the same needle over again. But I told him I was so afraid that he would not make it this time, because he had been on drugs when he lived in Philly when he was about 20 and if his grandparents had not gone up to see him and saw how badly he look and only weighted about 85lbs and Robert was 6'4" tall, they took him out of Philly and got him clean. So I give them just that point for that gesture. And when I told Robert my fears he would always tell me "Don't worry mom,I won't be on this bender long". well he was right that he was not going to be on it long, but he did not tell me why he was not going to be on it long. I believe that if I had asked him if he was planning to kill himself he would of told me for he could not lie to me and we were so into tell each other the truth. But I did not think of it. All I was thinking was Robert you have to stop because you are suppose to see your dad and spend a week or more with him. That is what came to my mind. Robert had told me that he was so looking forward to spending time with his father for the first time since he was about 5 or so. But I just did not know and I think back now and rack my brain to see if he was giving me hints that I should of known what was going on and gone out there and stopped him. Like maybe things would of been different if I had gone to CA when he told me about his infected arm because of using the same needle twice. But my husband and I thought that we had gotten thru with him and that he promised us that he would not use the same needle and he would not be on this bender long. So I cannot see if I could of stopped him or not. But I do know deep down in my heart and soul that he would of done it at another time if he had lived. I knew that it was his time to go because when he was about 8 or so I was hit literally from out of the blue and was told that Robert would not live past 30. Well it was off two years but it was right. And with all the pain and torment and the constant anguish that his grandparents put him thru even near the end making him feel like a piece of nothing and that he would never amount to anything on the phone. It tore him apart for he wanted their unconditional love and acceptance that he was gay. But they were not able ever to give that to him. They were against gays and have called him so many different names that were cruel and even his father did and then disowned him 3 times from the time he was 16 thru 32. It just makes me sick. I could not understand why my love which I gave unconditionally and I accepted him for what he was and what he wanted to do ( I sent him $3000 to get into two different acting classes) but I was not good enough he was there unconditional love and acceptance and his grandparents can not show or give unconditional love. For their love is evil and controling and too many strings attached that before you know it you have been brainwashed and it is almost like a cult. That is how bad that family is. I know it is hard to understand if you have never lived in this family. But I have and I was lucky enough to have not been born into the family like my ex husband was adopted and came home 3 days after he was born and of course my kids were born into the family too. And let me tell you that my other boys are in pretty bad shape but all I can do is love them and I keep getting crapped on because they were younger than Robert and the lies the grandparents told the boys was that I did not love them and of course I believe that after a time they started to believe that and I think especially Chris (who is my youngest and has my granddaughter) for I believe he has alot of anger towards me and I believe he feels like I abandoned him. He wont admit this and I even suggested that we go to counseling (which I would pay) so that we could try to form a relationship, but he does not want to do that. So I don't think that there is alot I can do. I am tired of being crapped on by my two boys that our left. Not once have they called to see how I am doing or come by to comfort me. But their father was not around and they were there for him and they spend every weekend with him and he is allowed to see and have our granddaughter spend the night. Just hurts so deep for me. So loosing Robert makes me feel like I have no other kids because of the way they treat me. The only reason that my son Tom is going to CA is because I agreed to pay for him and his girlfriend their plane ticket and their hotel room. I did it because I thought we would spend sometime together and I could watch him as an adult and try to get to know him that way and the same for him. But after I paid for everything he has told me that he is going to rent their own car and do their own thing. So my dream once again is crushed. But the story of my life when it comes of always being crapped on and always getting the short end of everything. I don't like it but I do not know how to change it when the other people are not willing to make an effort at all.

[shorty16]

Roberts Mom and to all newbies,

You are so new to this grief. In the beginning, there is only darkness, bartering with anyone who will listen - "Take Me Instead" - "I cannot survive without my child"

Then, a little bit of light will show through in the form of "WOW, I actually went a whole minute without thinking of Brian's death!"

That 1 minute will turn into 2 and so one. It is in "These Times Of Light" that we can actually perform a task or two.

This takes a long time. Longer than I wanted it to; it has been almost 4 years since I saw my son smile.

Please be kind to yourself. Your mind, soul, and body are going through tremendous pain.

Hang on my friend - The "Times of Light" will come.

I pray for you

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[Maddy6]

Linda, I am so sorry for your hurt and pain. You did not do anything wrong that caused Robert's death. You have done the best you could against many circumstances that would have destroyed a less stronger person. I now you do not feel strong, I know you are in deep pain. I am sorry your other boys are unkind. Kids can be very selfish when they are young adults. I know I was. I am not defending how they have treated you, just stating how kids can be at that age. ~~~~~~ALSO, THANK YOU for calling me my daughter's name Rachael. It gave me a deep revelation! When I answered you, I realized later that I had said that "IS" my daughter's name. I did not say WAS. Which shows my healing and my belief that she is alive and with me. And Robert is for you too. You are grieving his loss, but Robert is safe and at peace. He is at rest, and I firmly believe as much as he loved you that he would not have done it if he had known. Drugs can do strange things to people where they are not themselves. Also, I am so very sorry for how his family treated him for being gay. I know it was painful for him. I am glad he had you to be on his side and love him.~~~~~~LOVE, MADDY

[ericasmom]

I agree with Maddy and Col, Linda, it will be a very slow process but we must allow the process or all we do is put it off. And I agree, if someone called me Erica, I would be happy to hear her name as it is such a fine name. I think often about how we came to name our Children, what their names mean to us and why we chose it for them. Eri fits her name well.

[Jeff's Mom]

Linda, how are you feeling today? I understand that when you get a tattoo that the area becomes swollen for a bit. Hope you had a decent sleep last night. The picture looked very nice. I'm glad you are going to be able to see your friend Cheryl. It will be good for you both to have that visit. Take care and have a good day.

Kate

[rlolheiser]

feeling frustrated today... I got a call from my daughter's social worker, she told me she found out that i dropped off sena, JaBoa's sister... I said, yes I did, her father took her before I left town. The worker then proceeded to tell me that if Sena spends time alone with her mother they will put her in foster care. I feel so threatened. I told her that my grandaughter is there to spend time with all her family members, her father other grandparents, uncles and aunts... I feel like I have been warned.. she asked me when I am coming to get her... They had done a UA on my daughter said it was dirty and sent it to the capital for a further test, they lost it.. even told my daughter, and now they found it again... and it is dirty for methamphetimine... SCREAM I am lost

I have read all the posts and pictures.. so many people.. so much talent so much love.. for the new people here.. daily is so different.. monthly is different.. yearly.. I still hurt somedays like it was today... no rights or wrongs.. just trying to go on the best we can as healthy as we can, somedays it is ok.. and other days.. I would rather stay in bed

[JD's Mom, Becky]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-1NNAEpGcg

My heavenly photo collection, and Josh Groban singing "To Where You Are".

[tobyfreefoot]

<b><font color="#4B0082">whoops</font></b>

[tobyfreefoot]

betsy, becky anyone else i am not referring to any of the lovely touching music that has been posted here. my partner has always enjoyed particularly sad story songs like little jeanie's afraid of the dark which i never found comforting just heart breaking. but what can i say, i'm personally fond of jack white's death letter because i love the guitar work so..... i did enjoy the metallica and if rich is in there please tell us where!!!

linda-i feel like i do that same thing. when i tell people of forest's death i really don't feel a thing. it is like i am just relaying any other information. i don't get it. i am not trying to deny it but most of the time it just seems like some story i read or something. only occasionally does it make me cry. i feel sort of dead inside. on memorial day i was rocking my granddaughter to sleep after we had decorated and my daughter looked across the room and started crying. she said i love you mom. and kept crying. i just said i love you too and nodded my head because i knew what she was feeling and thinking but it just didn't break the surface. i think i am just in survival mode. having to deal with my job and my dad is all i can do. i also think i know there is nothing i can do about it. i have felt that from the beginning having been through my best friend and my fiance's deaths when i was younger. it just is what it is. sometime when i'm alone i will think deep enough to make myself scream and cry because i think i need too. otherwise i'll probably never get my memory back or enjoy anything in life again. i just feel soul dead.

[rlolheiser]

well.. been on the phone all day.. Social Services took my grandaughter out of my daughters house. Bang.... that is what I call caring.. I even told the witch that I would come to Williston to spare my little one the fear of being taken out, but they proceeded with the police coming in and removing her.. The last I heard from the social worker after I told her I would come get her.. was..we will talk about that later...and she hung up on me I am so sick of these people that think they are doing any good for children. So much could have been prevented today along with my mother getting all upset ... my son.. and of course JaBoa's mom.. God help me to keep strong and do the right things I want her back here where I know she is safe

sorry.. just upset and screaming inside

[Jeff's Mom]

I'm hanging in there with you Leah. I'm so sorry that this happened. Please keep in touch. You are not alone. Others do care.

Kate

[ericasmom]

Leah, I am so sorry that this has happened to Sena, to you and the family. How long ago did you drop her off, last week? What was the main problem with her spending time with her Mom? Did they want her supervised at all times? Were you supposed to go through them to see if you could leave Sena there? I wish you the very best in this Leah. I will think of Sena and pray for her to have faith.

I remember when I first lost Eri and I told folks the story, sometimes from a detached piece of me able to re-tell the story of this Girl who died, and sometimes, I would start the story and dissolve. I never knew which way would present itself. After a time, I evened out some, but not completely. I do believe that the numb person telling the story is one of the stages of grief that allows us to try this story on, but removes some of our hearts from it in order to tell it. One day you will look back and see how far you have actually come. Each phase a step, and yes, we fall backward many times and have to repeat the steps, that is all part of it. So many parts I know, but nevertheless, all of the steps are important.

[rlolheiser]

they didn't tell me anything.. until this morning, I dropped her off there on Sunday when I left. She was with her dad. the social worker called this morning and told me that Sena wasn't supposed to be alone with her mom. I said there was always somebody there.. then later she called and said for me to call her, Sena's mom or my other daughter, and I called my older daughter. She told me the worker was there for Sena already... I feel railroaded .. this little girl has been through enough... I told them I would come get her.. there was no need to take her away... I have had her most of the last two years, and never has anybody told me I couldn't do anything....

Thanks for your prayers and thoughts Dee and Kate.. I am just upset and feel so let down.. and feel I let Sena down.. it isn't fair ,, but I guess we all know what fair is.. :-(

.

[ericasmom]

Leah, I am going to be with prayers on my lips and in my heart, let Sena be okay and may there be a plan in the morning. Peace one day Leah.

[Maddy6]

Leah, thinking and praying for you.LOVE, MADDY

[mikesmomrs]

Leah...I am so very sorry this has happened. I too will have sweet Sena's name in my heart and in my prayers, as well as you. You have been through so much and I am so sorry that you are plagued with yet another heartache. Praying for a good resolution soon.

[mikesmomrs]

Robertsmom...regarding saying goodbye. My son Mike died of brain cancer on October 14, 2006. The couple of months before he died, he was here at our home, under hospicecare. He was confined to bed those last two weeks. I can remember talking with him, sharing many things, many memories. And I can remember not saying goodbye. However, in that last hour of his life, we were all here with him and as he became more distressed in his breathing, I held his hand and leaned over him and told him that it was okay for him to go. I told him that we all loved him very, very much and did not want for him to suffer, and it was okay for him to go. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. My heart is racing, typing these words, even these 6 1/2 years later. I think we each have to decide what is right for us individually, and we can listen to the stories of others, perhaps, to help us find our way. I do believe you and your son Robert shared a relationship that bound you in life and binds you in eternity. You will be together again. I am so very sorry for all the pain and heartbreak that you've had to live with all these years. I too am glad that you are going to visit Cheryl in California. I am sure you and she will share sweet memories od Robert, and though there will be tears, there will be love as well. And Rjobert will be right there with both of you.

[mikesmomrs]

Becky..I was not able to watch your video on my tablet, but will watch it the next time I am on my pc. It is really hard right now for me to sit at the computer, so I am using the tablet for pretty much anything to do with a computer.

Lorri...so good to see your post and beautiful Kourtney...saw some of your cruise pics on fb..beautiful. So glad you had a good time.

Gretchen...loved the picture at the cemetary, and the pics of your beautiful little granddaughter...thank you so much for sharing.

Colleen: we will be with you as you go through Aaron's upcoming graduation, and Brian's angel date. And so, as you know, will Brian. I know that he is so very proud of you, Colleen, and you have done much to make him proud.

Betsy..you are so right, music can be so good for some, and the same music can send others into the deepest pit...we each have our own tunes that either help or send us over the edge. I am glad that you are listening to music again and that it is bringing you some sweet memories. Thank you for thinking of Mike and I as we travel the road to his healing from his surgery. It is going slow, with some good days and some not so good, but we can only take one day at a time. The pics of the patriots are just great. i love the patriot that stayed behind you an reminded you of Rich.

Brian's mom, Brenda...thank you for sharing your drawings. I can understand why Brian thought it was a good idea for you to draw portraits of others, you are a wonderful artist. I hope you are eventually able to do more, whether to sell or to just keep.

Andy's mom...sending hugs to you. The poem is beautiful...many of us share your thoughts that you wrote of.

I had a meltdown at the cemetery the other day. It was a beautiful, warm day, and as I sat there on the bench by Mike's memorial stone, I couldn't keep away the thoughts of how much he loved days like this, and how much I missed seeing him enjoying them. Then I just lost it as all kinds of things ran throug my mind, including how he would love to spend this type of day with his boys and how much they were missing by his not beinf here in their lives each day. I guess that no matter how far along we are on this journey, the meltdowns come, sometimes when we least expect them.

I go for another chiro session tomorrow(thurs) but am also seeing my orthopeadic doc, just o check on things. Some slight improvement (I don't always need the walker to help me get up from a sitting position) in the back issue, but the hip issue is pretty bad. I've never been shot, but I think of how it must feel to be shot when the pain in my hip strikes.

Rhonda, Maddy, Kate, Sherry, Dee (loved the sestina...those kids will have that memory forever), Jenn, Darlene...and all of my indigo family...thinking of you all always nd always in my prayers.

[westleysmom]

Leah-I'm so sorry for the heartache that you are having right now. I hope it can all be straightened out soon.

Carol-Hope the back is better soon. Hugs to you and Mike.

Last night, we babysat for my daughter and SIL to go out for their wedding anniversary. When we got in the car, my granddaughter saw a red skittle had melted in the door handle and she said she didn't put it there. I asked her who she thought put it there, and she said she thought her Mama did it when she was little. I told her that I actually had a different car when her Mama was little. She considered this and asked me what her Mama's car seat looked like and I told her I thought it was brown and they didn't have designs on them then. And then she asked me what Westley's car seat looked like and I said he used the same one, that her Mama had outgrown it by the time he came along. I told her that Westley was her Mama's little brother, just like she has a little brother. And then she said "How big is Westley now?" and I said well, he got to be quite big, taller than me or her Mama. And she said "We have a Westley in our family, another Westley." and I said "No, he was the only one." And she asked me where he was and I said he wasn't here anymore. She was in the backseat, so she couldn't see my face, but it was all I could do to keep it together. She doesn't remember him, but she does confuse my nephew who looks nothing like Westley, with him. We only see my nephew occasionally, and the one time he came to my Mama's house, she told him that Ma was crying about him, Ma, come look who's here. She thought she'd found Westley. Sometimes I think I'm right back where I started from, falling into a million little pieces.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I have had the pain in my right hip for more than 20 years from a fall, and it's miserable enough without all this going on with my neck and arms and hands, but at the same time, I feel guilty even complaining about any pain or discomfort, as I would endure a lifetime of pain just to see my child again. I go for the nerve conduction thing on Monday, then back to the surgeon on the 13th to set a date for surgery. I am hoping being put under will allow me to dream. I want so much to see Jared and be able to talk to him face to face. I think THAT pain is getting worse instead of better.

I have always been the one, despite many hardships throughout my life, to see the glass half full, now I see the glass as empty, dusty, abandoned, cracked and broken.... I don't know how to change that perspective when everything we try to do seems fruitless....

DelDot said that before this crash that killed my son, they hadn't had any serious issues on this roadway.... so what does that mean, one death isn't enough? HIS death means nothing?

[Jeff's Mom]

Leah, thinking of you today and hoping that everything works out for you. Take care.

Carol, sorry about the meltdown. You are so right. It comes at times right out of the blue. Hope your back is improving.

Becky, I sure hope you will be able to get some much needed relief with the upcoming appts.

Roberts Mom...hope you have a great trip to California and a good visit with Cheryl.

Dee...the countdown must be on now for the end of class. The kids are going to love their journals! Have a good day.

I woke up early this morning and took a cup of coffee outside to watch the sun rise. It was amazing. A huge orange ball of fire lifting up over the lake. What a beautiful day. Jeff is in my every breath and I am assured that he is in a wonderful place. I just feel such a tremendous sense of peace surrounding me. An unspoken knowledge that all is well for him and to be at peace with myself. I am thinking of everyone today. Especially the people that are new to this journey. My heart and prayers are with you. Take care.

Kate

I almost forgot. My MIL died a year ago today. Completely slipped my mind. Please keep her in your prayers. Thanks.

[crystalann]

Good Morning.

I read here every day. I dont know what I would do without you!

I didnt say goodbye! I think my heart still believes he is on a trip and will be back at sometime. My mind knows but the big question is am I getting closer to seeing him again or further away?

All the loses in the last few years has shaken my faith!

I am also a changed person. It seems I dont care about getting along with people any more.I want to think my own thoughts and do what I want when I want! My family is worried cause I still dont eat and am down to 110.

It seems like when joy comes it now brings its friend sadness along for the visit not one without the other!It always hits me driving to and from the school alone like a hammer. Some how I push it away as not to feel the pain.

The visions of that day come while I sleep being the first ones there watching yelling at them to do something telling god to take me instead yelling that he was turning blue the way his eyes looked so green! My stepdad saying it was all gonna be ok! My younger kids watching their brother on the ground.All our friends and family watching. :'(

This was my biggest fear in life now Im stuck in it!Sometimes I feel like I have as many people on the other side as I do here! And thats just crushing!

I am so thankful for this site! I wish there was no need for it and we all had our babies still!

Love and hugs, Crystal

[BrendaDup59]

Hi everyone , I just wanted to thank you all for the nice comments on my drawings ,

JD's mom your video was a wonderful tribute to him, can I ask what program you used ? I would like to do one of my son .

I just wanted to let you all know you are in my thoughts. hopefully it will get easier to get on here and talk about Brian without crying my eyes out , it is going on 11 weeks since we lost him. and I miss him more everyday. my DL called me last night to tell me of a phone call one of Brian's best friend Ted got he had just started back at a job he use to work at, well one of the guys said he had a phone call , ted thinking who would call me here I just started back ask they guy who it was and he said some guy named Brian when Ted got to the phone there was no one there. and nobody has called back or left a message , Ted said it gave him chills , Brian use to call him all the time at work. I would like to think it was our Brian reaching out to his friend . I had really dreaded Mothers Day well my husband and family all surprised me with a party I thought I was giving my 10 year old son a surprise party but they had turned it on me and Brian's friends all came and and it turned out to be the best day I had since I lost Brian . the only ones missing was my son Brett and his children. maybe one day he will come around . just know you all are in my thoughts . Take Care Love Brenda

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Brenda, the video was made using Windows DVD Maker, then uploading that to UTube. Thanks for watching!

[BrendaDup59]

JD's mom Thank you , I will have to give it a try.

[tobyfreefoot]

Leah-I'm so sorry for the heartache that you are having right now. I hope it can all be straightened out soon.

Carol-Hope the back is better soon. Hugs to you and Mike.

Last night, we babysat for my daughter and SIL to go out for their wedding anniversary. When we got in the car, my granddaughter saw a red skittle had melted in the door handle and she said she didn't put it there. I asked her who she thought put it there, and she said she thought her Mama did it when she was little. I told her that I actually had a different car when her Mama was little. She considered this and asked me what her Mama's car seat looked like and I told her I thought it was brown and they didn't have designs on them then. And then she asked me what Westley's car seat looked like and I said he used the same one, that her Mama had outgrown it by the time he came along. I told her that Westley was her Mama's little brother, just like she has a little brother. And then she said "How big is Westley now?" and I said well, he got to be quite big, taller than me or her Mama. And she said "We have a Westley in our family, another Westley." and I said "No, he was the only one." And she asked me where he was and I said he wasn't here anymore. She was in the backseat, so she couldn't see my face, but it was all I could do to keep it together. She doesn't remember him, but she does confuse my nephew who looks nothing like Westley, with him. We only see my nephew occasionally, and the one time he came to my Mama's house, she told him that Ma was crying about him, Ma, come look who's here. She thought she'd found Westley. Sometimes I think I'm right back where I started from, falling into a million little pieces.

she thought she'd found wesley. oh my such a sad but sweet story. would knock all of us for a loop, as a matter of fact i think it is cracking that soul deadened feeling i've been having. i kinda feel like laying down and sobbing.

[tobyfreefoot]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-1NNAEpGcg

Carol: I hope you get to play my video. With both my hands now numb, it took a lot of time trying to put it together, and there are still things I need to edit, but just couldn't do anymore. I posted it to my facebook page, and not a lot of views. I guess people are sick of me talking about Jared. Nobody understands, with the exception of this forum. Thank God for all of you, without whom I don't know what I would be doing.

I have had the pain in my right hip for more than 20 years from a fall, and it's miserable enough without all this going on with my neck and arms and hands, but at the same time, I feel guilty even complaining about any pain or discomfort, as I would endure a lifetime of pain just to see my child again. I go for the nerve conduction thing on Monday, then back to the surgeon on the 13th to set a date for surgery. I am hoping being put under will allow me to dream. I want so much to see Jared and be able to talk to him face to face. I think THAT pain is getting worse instead of better.

I have always been the one, despite many hardships throughout my life, to see the glass half full, now I see the glass as empty, dusty, abandoned, cracked and broken.... I don't know how to change that perspective when everything we try to do seems fruitless....

DelDot said that before this crash that killed my son, they hadn't had any serious issues on this roadway.... so what does that mean, one death isn't enough? HIS death means nothing?

well they've had a serious issue now!! i'm so sorry your sweet son had to be the first one but he should be the last!!

they asked on the radio "when did you start being an adult?" i'd have to say the day forest died. until then i tried to look at the glass half full and then spin around and try not to slosh it out, make a big mess and fall down laughing with my kids in a heap. now i just feel like a cheerless grown up trying to smile and pretend to have fun.

btw we will never get tired of hearing about jared!!! i love hearing about him!

[tobyfreefoot]

i use to listen to this when i was in jr. high or high school. boy i only thought i was despondent then---

Lyrics to The New Enzyme Detergent Demise Of Ali Macgraw -by dory previn

Mine was a Wednesday death

One afternoon

at approximately three-fifteen

I gave up and died

and nobody cried

Mine was a bloodless death

Not grim

Not gory

More like

Ali Macgraw's new enzyme

detergent demise in love story

Neat and tidy

unlike Christ's on Friday

Friends were fooled

by the fact

I still breathed

And I spoke

And I smiled

And I lied

in my handy dandy

imitation life disguise kit

I sent away for it

The styrofoam face

fits so neatly in place

with the pre-recorded voice

of your choice

and it almost sounds read

it's a guaranteed deal

And you don't feel a thing

And you can teach it to sing

And all your friends

Are deceived

And nobody grieves

Mine was a Wednesday death

One afternoon

at approximately three-fifteen

I was quietly

laid to rest

And nobody guessed

A handy disposable heart

marks time in a plastic breast

And so it goes

And nobody knows

I am

non

bio-degradable.

[rlolheiser]

THANKS for listening to me rant yesterday. I can't say i am done with it, but I have tried to calm down for the fight. I have to go back to Williston tomorrow and try to get Sena back. Court is at 10 central.. so I have to get up really early. thats my 9. I need so much to get that little girl back. I feel I owe it to her.. to JaBoa.. not the mom or dad.. just to her. I found out the dad is leaving it up to me, he isn't going to try to do anything, he better hope I don't catch him in an ally.. makes me boil.

Thank you for the prayers and thoughts, I want to do good, I really do.. it reminds me of something Susannah had told me one time, that I wasn't a superhero, I had no cape.. I want to be that hero to my grandaughter.

thinking of you all.. Carol/Mike, Rhonda, Dee, everybody, and yes Kate, I did have a good nights sleep, it took awhile, but I think I am rational today.. thanks!

[lolynbo]

LORRI? Wow it is really you and I am so glad to see you here. So happy to read that you and Kimberly had a blast on the cruise, and that wear gray in may shirts were a hit. Remember to show us how to purchase and then the money can go to research or to Kourtney's Kloset. How is the Kloset these days? How is Monti? Glad to hear that my Dear Kody is well and working and driving still. Did the girlfriend get out of his system? How bout Kimberly's husband, still together? Did she land that job in Chicago? Anyway, tell us some more about how you are and what you have been up to.

well the ts can be ordered at WEAR GREY IN MAY 3108 WOODSIDE DR ARDMORE, OK 73401 TS ARE $15 AND WRIST BANDS ARE $5 ALL PROCEEDS GO TO OK BRAIN TUMOR FOUNDATION

KOURTNEYS KLOSET IS DOING WELL WE HELP AT LEAST 8-10 IF NOT MORE FAMILIES A WEEK...GOING VERY WELL

MONTYS GREAT WOKS WAY TOOO HARD ON KODYS RACE CAR BUT I GUESS THATS WHAT DADDYS DO, KODY GOT BROOK WAY OUTTA HIS SYSTEM, SHES WITH ANOTHER GUY AND WHILE SHE WAS STRINGING KODY ALONG IN DEC SHE WAS ALREADY PG BY THE OTHER GUY...THANK GOD NOT KODY, SHES DUE IN SEPT AND ITS SUPPOSE TO BE A GIRL...KODY SAYS HE WLDNT SPIT ON HER, BUT DONT WISH HER NO HARM...HES SUCH A GOOD KIDDO

KIMMY AND HER HUBBY STILL TOGETHER ARGUE AND THEN IN LOVE NEXT MIN, YES SHE GOT CHICAGO BASED JOB AND LOVES IT...TRAVELS ALOT..

IM JUST TRYING TO KEEP BIZZY LIKE THE REST OF YAL, TRYING TO KEEP MY MY GOING...SELLING TSHIRTS AND WORKIN AT KOURTNEYS KLOSET...I HAVE FB PAGE FOR WEAR GREY IN MAY AS WELL AS KOURTNEYS KLOSET..

GOT JUNE STARTING TOM, AND HAVE THE OK BRAIN TUMOR GOLF TOURNAMENT TO WORK AT AND SELL TS...ITS ON TOBY KEITHS PRIVATE COURSE SUPPOSE TO BE ALOT OF BIG NAMES THERE WHO NOZ...ITS JUNE 18 DAY AFTER ANGELVERSERY....THEN KODY , MONTY AND I ARE GOING TO DALLAS FOR VAN HALEN CONCERT....

OTHER THEN THAT, MONTYS MOM FELL AND BROKE HER HIP IN 3 PLACES, RIGHT AFTER MY MOM GOT PUT IN HOSP FOR STAPH ON HER LEG...THEY BOTH DID WELL IN SURG BUT MY MOM FORGOT TO EAT AFTER SHE GOT HOME AND BOUT CROAKED ON US, (I WAS ON CRUISE WITH KIMMY) MONTY WAS HELPING TAKE CARE OF BOTH MOMS..

I SEE WE SADLY HAVE MORE NEWBYS....IM SO SORRY YOU ALL ARE HERE..HARD HARD ROAD TO WALK

MANY PRAYERS FOR YAL AND HUGGS...