Loss of an Adult Child

May 25, 2012

Jonathan's mom,

We are here to offer whatever we have.

Please tell us about your son, the good times. We do not always dwell on the deaths of our children, but their lives.

My son, Brian was one big funnybone. He also was an avid snowboarder and skate boarder.

Brian was not the best in school, but he was very coordinated. He was smaller (82 lbs as a freshman), but he was a wrestler and loved beating kids that had 20-30 lbs on him. He would do it with leverage.

Hang in there, we are here to listen

Colleen, Brian's Mother FOrever

May 25, 2012

Hello my friends

I want to tell you about a birding experience I had in my back yard.

I was sitting enjoying the weather when I heard what sounded like a really high dog bark - wuth tweets in between. I stood up to find a momma robin with a baby in tow. This baby had found-his-voice. It was so funny, He would make all the individual sounds that a robin makes, but non were in a recognizable tune.

I heard him for about 3 hours all around the neighborhood. This mom must have been deaf by the end of this feeding session.

Too Funny!!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

May 25, 2012

Hi Colleen: That is such a cute story about the birds. That's what Mom's do best nuture and protect their babies.

chrismombarb

May 25, 2012

Jonathan's Mom-I'm so sorry for all of your pain and Jonathan's as well.

Barb-I'm glad you found your way back. Sometimes I can't even remember my name, so I understand completely.

Colleen-Kind of like when a kid gets a set of drums or a trumpet. You must be having nice weather. It's supposed to be beastly hot here this weekend, so I don't know how much I'll be outside.

I hope that everybody is doing as well as they can and has a peaceful weekend

May 25, 2012

Hi Everyone,

Stopping in to say hi. Glad I have all of you. I wake up in the morning and feel the stab of missing her. It helps me to know I have all of you and I am not alone. I am sorry we have each other too, because we are all in the same situation. I would that we had our kids back.

Jonathan's Momma,

I am so very sorry for the hurt and pain you have been through. So very sorry for Jonathan's difficulties in this life. I am sorry for the loneliness you and Jonathan have felt on this journey. We are here for you and we care. Please come back and talk to us and share. We feel your pain and will try to understand and listen as best as we know how.

Dee,

I took a Sociology class 2 years ago online. I sooo regretted taking it online. I didn't really understand what sociology was before I took it, it was a required credit. The professor's lectures were on audio and he was fantastic. I would have so loved to have been in that class. After that I didn't take any online classes for a while because I was so disappointed I had lost the full experience of that class. So I know what you mean about Sociology. Also, this really good Psych professor teaches a bunch of other classes. I am tempted to take them just for fun as they are all very fascinating. He backs everything he is teaching up with proven experiments, or case stories. Very interesting, except for some of the sad experiments and case studies from years ago.

Also, you have overcome so much from your childhood Dee. No wonder you have such a loving heart for people who struggle. I was not a good student as a child. There was no support system. I once remember making the decision to do really well in school. I asked my father to give me a ride to the library to work on a school assignment. Well he was going somewhere with some friends and he screamed and cursed me over the inconvenience of it the whole way to the library, LOL :-). I guess it sounds dysfunctional to laugh over it now. But what else can you do? I had a whacko father. Anyway, I think that was the point I gave up and just passed at school without much effort. Probably why I adore school now.

Funny, also cause it seems I function well in school. I think it is because I forget the pain of my loss, and no one knows me in each class and I am able to function on the present and I am a little of my old self for the time being. It forces me to focus on a goal....the quest for the golden A :-) for a while.

Linda,

I think you are beginning to heal. I think you are feeling Robert's presence which really had never left you. He was there all along. You could not sense him because of the pain.

Colleen,

Good to hear from you :-) You must be so proud of your son for the decision concerning the cruise and his graduation party. What an amazing young man.

Hello to everyone else. I have kept up reading all of your posts every day. Just have been to busy to answer. But I have been here and you are all in my heart.

Anyway, the kids are improving more each day. We will never be the same, never again. But we are moving forward finally and possibly seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.

LOVE,

MADDY

May 25, 2012

I am so touched by all the responses. So, I'll tell you a little bit about my family. I have a daughter named Amber who is 29. She has a rare form of neurofibramatosis and had a brain tumor removed in January of 2009. She now has spinal cord tumors which are being closely watched that do cause her a lot of pain. But she is a wonderful girl with a wonderful attitude. Jonathan's twin's name is Tiffany. She is a spitfire. She has a little boy named Aiden with the middle name of Alexander (just like his Uncle Jon). I have a son named Nathan who is 24 and is very quiet. My last one's name is Samuel and he's due to turn 15 next month. He is the sweetest boy. For example, he is learning sign language in school to learn to communicate with the hearing impaired and has had to stand up for a disabled class mate a few times this year. All of my children are very sensitive to this community and believe they are valuable contributions to the lives of those that are blessed to know them. I am a legal secretary (which is a nerve wracking job) but it has given me the ability to navigate through beaurocracy to advocate for Jonathan to the best of my ability. I have grown a lot in this area and love to be able to help other families with disabled loved ones. I know that's a part of why this all happened.

One thing I truly believe: Jonathan was sent here to teach me how to care for others tenaciously (and of course love with ferocity) and also his spirit has brought me people to love both of us; in fact, our entire family (which now includes all of you).

I love the fact that I now have people who speak my language and totally get what I'm going through.

May 25, 2012

Jonathan's Momma...I am Kate. My son Jeff passed away on December 12,2009. I am so sorry that you have had to experience so much heartache... and yet in the midst of all of this you have also had the love of an amazing young man. We look forward to hearing from you again., Thinking of you.

Maddy, well this week is finally over. Hope you can get out and enjoy your weekend. I know it is a roller coaster ride with our emotions when we think of the kids.

Colleen...loved your story of the mother bird and her baby.

Dee....who did things go with your student and the operation?

Carol...how is your back and leg coming along? What's the news about Ralph?

Trudi...how are you? Any more outings with the grandies?

Linda...glad that your Robert is making his presence known and helping you along this road to recovery.

Well, it was another COLD day today. We have a frost warning issued not long ago. I am about to gather some old sheets and blankets to cover my plants outside. Darn it I could just smack myself for not waiting another week to plant. Crazy, crazy weather!

I have to say that I find myself caught between a rock and a hard place in that when I am around people I have known for ages that they are taken aback at how cheerful I appear most of the time. Rumour has it I am not particularly grieving Jeff. Then if I do seem sad...it's GET OVER IT! Honestly, I wish they would just let me be. What's the matter with people? I may hack out a piece of property in the deep woods and build a log cabin! At least the animals won't find fault with me.

Picture in our paper today of an older man that was dragged out of an outhouse in Ontario by a bear. He was on a hunting excursion and was in a delicate situation when the bear grabbed him by the legs and dragged him into the bush. Thank heaven his friend shot him with a rifle and the guy was ok. My goodness, it sounds like something out of a western. The bears are really getting antsy these days. Huge explosion in population. They appear to be coming closer into habited areas foraging for food. We are off into the site tomorrow and I'm stopping on the way to buy some bear spray.

Well, thinking of everyone. Hope you are holding up ok with health issues, etc. Take care.

Kate

May 25, 2012

Jonathansmomma-----I am so very sorry for your pain and heartache, and the difficulties that your

dear sweet boy has. This is a good site where we can relate to everyone here, all the ups and downs

that come to us, without judgement. So sorry that people have been so insensitive and thoughtless

in making remarks about your beloved child. My son, David, age 31, was killed by a negligent driver in 2003, and

my 6 mo. old baby, Lisa, died from choking many years ago. Please come back to this site, andread/post whenever

you can. Everyone here knows and understands. Peace & prayers

Colleen----Cute little story of the robins. I have a robin's nest right outside of my bathroom window

built on a downspout in the corner.

Kate-----We've had no measurable rain for weeks. We did get a light shower about a week ago.....that's all.

We live in the middle of many farms, and we rent our land out to a neighboring farmer who plants and

harvests the crops. YIKES......what a scary incident with the man in the outhouse and the bear. It does sound

like a scene out of a western movie, but I'm sure no one was laughing that day.......thank goodness that

his friend was there to rescue him. So many bears anymore,......it seems. There have been sightings of

young male bears in Eastern Ohio near the PA line. They say that the bears are looking for new territory.

Hope I never see one. Good luck with the flowers....I hope they will be ok when you cover them against the

cold. I think they will be.....but it is time consuming to have to do that, I know. :mellow:

Robertsmom-----So good that you felt Robert's presence. It must have been such a warm & wonderful

experience.

Jenn-----Good to see your post. So nice that your youngest daughter is considering Special Education

for her carreer. Your daughters must have loved Brianna very much, and she added so much joy to

your family.

PEACE & COMFORT TO EVERYONE IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

May 26, 2012

Hi Gang, big day at our year end picnic. Too tired to post much else other than to say that I hope you are all well. I was outside all day on an absolutely gorgeous day of sunshine and blue skies. Perfect temps in the upper 70's. Sherry, we have not had the rain that was supposed to get here on several occassions either. We need it.

Today in the late afternoon, I had to hook up with my siblings and hang out over dinner after they had a graveside service for my dad. I did not go and am glad of it. The dinner was at a really icky diner near my dad's home, it was pretty hideous. It was good to see my sisters, but my brothers are not fun to be around and strangely, neither of them know that. Oh well, dysfunction junction.

Going to bed, sleep well oh, and thanks Kate for asking, my little one is spending one more night in the hospital as her pain was a bit high today but overall, she is doing quite nicely. They did not have to cut into bone so she should recover quicker.

Thanks for your prayers for her, my small but mighty student.

May 26, 2012

Jonathansmomma-----I am so very sorry for your pain and heartache, and the difficulties that your
dear sweet boy has. This is a good site where we can relate to everyone here, all the ups and downs
that come to us, without judgement. So sorry that people have been so insensitive and thoughtless
in making remarks about your beloved child. My son, David, age 31, was killed by a negligent driver in 2003, and
my 6 mo. old baby, Lisa, died from choking many years ago. Please come back to this site, andread/post whenever
you can. Everyone here knows and understands. Peace & prayers
Colleen----Cute little story of the robins. I have a robin's nest right outside of my bathroom window
built on a downspout in the corner.
Kate-----We've had no measurable rain for weeks. We did get a light shower about a week ago.....that's all.
We live in the middle of many farms, and we rent our land out to a neighboring farmer who plants and
harvests the crops. YIKES......what a scary incident with the man in the outhouse and the bear. It does sound
like a scene out of a western movie, but I'm sure no one was laughing that day.......thank goodness that
his friend was there to rescue him. So many bears anymore,......it seems. There have been sightings of
young male bears in Eastern Ohio near the PA line. They say that the bears are looking for new territory.
Hope I never see one. Good luck with the flowers....I hope they will be ok when you cover them against the
cold. I think they will be.....but it is time consuming to have to do that, I know.
Robertsmom-----So good that you felt Robert's presence. It must have been such a warm & wonderful
experience.
Jenn-----Good to see your post. So nice that your youngest daughter is considering Special Education
for her carreer. Your daughters must have loved Brianna very much, and she added so much joy to
your family.
PEACE & COMFORT TO EVERYONE IN THE BI FAMILY.
Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

Sherry I have to say that when II saw the news about the bear I thought it was a joke. Why not pull my other leg...pardon the pun! Check out CBC Manitoba... man dragged out of outhouse in NW Ontario. Apparently he was sitting on the throne with the door open. The bear grabbed him and dragged him out into the bush. They showed a picture of him with scratches on his back. There is such a thing as too much information if you know what I mean. He was not a slight man.

Dee. so happy that your little one is doing fine. I trust you are going to sleep like a log tonight.

Well, I'm off to bed and it is already a chilly 5C. Everything is carefully covered and hopefully will make it throught the frost tonight. Take care everyone.

Kate

May 26, 2012

Its heart warming to see Kate and Maddy posting such long and wonderful posts. You might not know it, but look back at earlier posts and you will see just how far you have come..

Its wet wet and cold here. We got one months rainfall in 12hrs.. Snow on the Alps already.

Dee - Funny how those who offend the most are the ones least likely to realise they are the problem....Hope your end of term celebrations bought a smile to your heart....Glad the mighty one is doing well.

Odd days here....but I guess I'm still measuring against a time before losing Mike....

Be well Indigo's

May 26, 2012

May 12, 2012 I attended the NJ State History Fair held at Washington Crossing State Park. The day started off with warm temperatures, bright and sunny. When I arrived at the park and rode the shuttle to the main event I realized what I missed about this park and questioned why I didn't visit more often. Its right down the road. The tall old tree's, a walk under the canopy surrounded by the lush greenery of the day. The quiet, cool, peaceful stroll along the same ground Washington and his troops trudged up and over on a very cold Christmas Eve many years ago. The ruts from the cannon wheels are still there. Preserved now.

I use to take Sarah and Rich to this park. We would visit the visitors center. Small but varied uniforms, weapons,household utensils. We would turn towards the river. I pointed out the ruts left by the cannon and to this day still marvel at the courage,strength and perseverance of our troops . Young men. Young women. A cold night.

Years later a story would be told of Rich and his interest in the park. I probably shared this before but it bears repeating. His g/f spoke of a day when Rich pulled her along to the visitors center and took her for a walk to check out the cannon ruts. I guess he marvel at the same things I did.

On May 12, '12 I was enveloped by a musical, festive, colorful atmosphere. A jazz band from the local military base, Ft Dix. A band that played music that Washington himself danced to. A band that played old,old country music. Union soldiers. Colonial fare. Games for children. A 1940 caddy! Many people. Friendly and knowledgeable people from various historical societies. All willing and happy to share “ our” story.

As I walked among the vendors, black smiths, makers of lace, encampments I was headed towards the river. I took pictures . Just pictures with no thought of composition nor art. Along the walk I encountered two men with very impressive cameras and a video recorder. Before Rich died I probably would not have approached the “ professionals” at work. Today. I approach and ask and interact and take a greater interest in life.

As I was asking the men where they were from I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, a young patriot. I turned to look behind me and the patriot was in my line of sight. While turning from the professional photographers/videographers, I saw the young patriot near me. When I turned to take a picture of the professions, the patriot was right behind me. We never looked each other in the eye. As I walked to cross a field I felt him behind me, but when I stopped, he stopped. I took his picture.

After arriving home I realized that the picture I took of the young patriot and the picture we have of Rich on the front his memorial program, the pose,the capture is the same. The clothes are of course different,yet the clothes of the patriot are different from all the others I saw that day. Coincidence? Or just a reminder that Rich is very,very near.

I've included a link to some pictures of the day. Here is the Patriot.

I have been reading. I am here and now that I have given a lot of thought to a lot of things in my life and your lives, I'll be back later.

I did not forget anyone here.

http://ehaldeman.smugmug.com/photos/i-x8S5gtV/0/M/i-x8S5gtV-M.jpg

http://ehaldeman.smugmug.com/Outforaride/HistoryFair/20167669_rdn5dm

May 26, 2012

Decided I needed to take a few pictures of the yard today. I already missed out on some of the flowers blooming, but didn't notice this "aura" until I came back in and loaded the pics on my computer. These are looking towards Jared's favorite tree to climb....

May 26, 2012

He's right there with you Becky, my goodness, a strong sense of Jared shining through. Wonderful. How are you feeling?

Betsy, so good to see you and read the story of the young man playing cat and mouse with you. I love that you captured the similarity in his stance with Rich's. How nice that you went back to a place that you enjoyed and can still enjoy. You are a history buff, so cool that you feel history the way you do. You'd be a great History teacher or tour guide for historical areas.

Woke up to birds and gray skies, windy and quiet, just what I need today to sort through the clutter in my brain. Perhaps the wind can sweep through my dusty self.

May 26, 2012

Kate,

I used to hate that when I planted and then it turned cold. -_- Of course I have never dealt with the cold you are talking about. Funny story too about the bear, the bear must have been crazy! Don’t worry about people thinking you are not grieving one minute and then thinking get over it the next. They will never fully understand. But we do. :mellow: But, heyyyy, the cabin in the woods with the furry creatures does sound nice………… :rolleyes:

Jonathan’s Momma,

You sound like you have a beautiful family. I have 6 children ranging in ages from 30 to 15. Our youngest the 15 year old is also a treasure. One always thinks of the youngest being spoiled, but not him. And it does not sound like your youngest is either. That is wonderful that he helps disabled students. I used to work with disabled students and the general education students that chose to come in to work with them were always very special children with hearts of gold.

You sound like you have your hands full with your daughter Amber and her health difficulties. It is so very wonderful that your legal background knowledge allows you to help others navigate the system.

Anyway, we are here for you and please come back and tell us more of your family and Jonathan, we care.

Sherry, Hello, how are you. Hope things are going well.

Dee, LOL , love the term dysfunction junction. I have never heard that before. Yes, my family I grew up in fits that term also!

Also, how is your student doing today? You are such an amazing person with so many students in your life who love you.

Trudi,

LOL, thank you for noticing that I am improving . Yes, I am sparing you from my long dramatic depressing posts, LOL

The weather there sounds fabulous to me! I love rain. It rains every week and sometimes every day in New Orleans. It was a hard adjustment moving to Texas because I so adore the rain. I actually read with envy of the cold and rain :rolleyes:

Betsy,

Wow, I really enjoyed your reflections of the day in the park. I love history, but not really a history buff. Just find it fascinating though. The patriot soldier’s picture was awesome! It was so stunningly beautiful I had the desire to paint/draw it. Didn’t you say you had an inexpensive camera I thought? What camera do you have? I need a camera and that one certainly has some beautiful pictures. And yes, I do believe Rich was there with you that day in the park.

Becky,

The pictures are simply amazing. JD is near, there is no doubt. Also, your yard is beautiful. I want to do something like that in my yard and make a garden for Rachael. Right now it is an ugly, dry Texas yard. I am more used to the type of greenery in your yard.

So now I am waiting until Sunday for my grade on my test. But I will start on Tuesday with my photography class. Rachael’s birthday is coming June 11^th and the realization of all we have lost. So I am a little worried about that.

After next week my boys will be out of school for the summer and they are excited about that.

Sammy, my 11^th grader came home yesterday telling me of the high schools in our district all pulling senior pranks.

Crazy stuff too. :blink: There was a food fight at his school and it was pretty bad. Thank goodness he exited the scene not wanting to get food on his clothes . He said they used the security cameras to find the culprits and arrested 21 students, handcuffs and all! Wow. What happened to being made to clean the cafeteria for their infractions like when I was a kid! Things have really changed. Or perhaps it is how they do business in Texas? Not sure.

Next year will be Sam’s last year of high school and then his choice is the Marines. I have many struggles with this and the fear sits in the back of my mind -_- . With Memorial Day on Monday and heightened notice of the sacrifices paid by many soldiers, it scares me even more. Thanks for listening.

All other Indigos, Carol, Leah, Ronnie, Susan, Vivian, Rhonda, Betty, Colleen, and all others, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

TTYL & LOVE, :wub:

MADDY

May 26, 2012

Maddy, it sounds as if things are pretty hectic in your life right now. Do you honestly like cold and rain? I'll send you some! We did not get a true hard frost last night, but it went down to about 2C. last night. I am going to do a repeat of the same tonight. No point in taking chances. Yes, the bear was definitely acting odd. They normally will not do something like that. Anyway, the poor guy thank heaven came out of it ok. The food fight at the school sounds as if it really got going. One kid I know of that got involved in a similar incident at Jeff's school was sent out into the school yard to dig out weeds with a spoon! All the while reflecting on the long paper he had to write.

Trudi...thanks for noticing that there is an improvement. I'm sure working on it. How are you doing?

Betsy, I enjoyed reading your pst and loved seeing the picture of the patriot soldier. Any other pics to share? Yes, I do think that Rich was there with you as you strolled through the site he so enjoyed.

And Becky, same thing. I'm sure JD is sending you his love and support in his own way. Hope you are starting to find some relief from your health issues.

Well, I was up half the night with our dog. She is starting to fail quickly now. I honestly wondered if today was the day. Anyway, she appears to be feeling much better. I have to face the fact that very soon I will have to make a very hard decision. It will be one full year since Helen died on the 31st. I'm ashamed to say that I still feel just dead inside regarding her death. As much as I did for her....we were never close.

Well, must get moving. Tons to do this afternoon. Thinking of all of you.

Kate

May 26, 2012

Dee, I have given the tour guide idea some thought before actually. Many that I see listed are seasonal, which is fine with me. The permanent positions, rangers for example are usually in Montana with the grizzly’s. I still check from time to time for something a little more tame.

Maddy, I have a small point and shoot which was a gift from Sarah one Christmas and my new Fuji FinePix HS20 which I gave to myself for my last birthday. I did a lot of research. Read a lot of blogs and reviews. The Fuji is online with the Nikon P500 and a Canon. The Fuji has manual controls which is something I was looking for. I took my first full-moon picture with manual and it came out good. ( f stop, ISO blah blah blah)

I found the Fuji on eBay however the seller has a store in NYC. Here's a link. Similar to what I purchased. http://www.adorama.com/IFJFPHS20B.html

More bang for the buck for this beginner bridge camera.

Becky, your pictures are beautiful. A friend gave me the book to borrow. I think the title is ,” There is a Heaven”. Something like that. In the book the author speaks of the many colors in heaven. I have always looked for rainbows. 3 months after Rich died I was living in North East Pennsylvania,in the mountains, about 40 minutes from the Poconos. It was my daughters birthday. I went outside I saw the most amazing fully arched double rainbow. I always thought this was a gift from Rich. A beautiful gift for his beautiful sister. I recall the post you wrote about falling from your ceiling fan fix and now another injury. I guess the 2 are related?

Hi Carol and Mike, I have been thinking of you both and include you in my prater each morning. Carol, you just need a hot tub! Seriously though, I hope the back pain has subsided and the walker can go back into the closet or garage. Tell Mike I will ship up some Jersey fresh peaches, tomatoes,corn and blueberries soon and that he will have an appetite as soon has he open the box. Funny thing, I have been researching Norfolk,Chesapeake, Hampton Roads: drove down in April and took a look around and may move there. MAY. I love the area. Natural beauty. City. Country. Beaches. Trains and plane ports. Public transportation. ( learned a bug lesson in North East Pa....look for back -up options when no friends or family are around. )

Rhonda, I'll being flying into Memphis in a couple of weeks for a wedding. A fast and very busy trip planned. Sarah wasn't able to get off so we will be in and out in less than 3 days. I'll wave when we fly over your area. Sarah will just have to roll her eyes !

Jonathansmomma, I don't know what to say about these people. Maybe they all need a smack up-side the head!! Sorry for their heartless comments.

I took my Aunt to our local memorial park today. They did a nice job on the ceremony. My Uncle is/was a Korean war vet. There is a brick displayed with his name and service dates arranged around the flagpoles. I'm driving a Ford F150 now, my dad's. He left it to me. My cars engine blew so I started driving the ford. It sits kind of high for my Aunt. ( me too but I manage fine) Well, I forgot her little step stool. She needs that to get into trucks,SUV's . A didn't forget the walker. We went to leave the park and she couldn't get back into the truck. I drove back to her place and picked-up the step stool. That took maybe 15 minutes round trip. She complained, “ the one time you take me somewhere......what took you so long?” ( the EMT”s kept her company and told her I made good time) The thing is, I ask her if she would like a ride to the DR...no she replies..son #1 will take me. I ask if she needs a ride to the hair dresser..no. Daughter in-law will take her. Does she need a ride to the dentist..no. Son #2 will take her. SO, I see a lot of manipulation but at the same time she tells others I won't help. Now, because of my slip-up today I'm sure to hear about it from no less then 3 of her children. It's been difficult here and I have to keep my spirits up. SO....I gotta get moving soon.

Rant over.

Sherry, Betty, ( globe trotter) Trudi, Kate, Colleen,RobertsMom, everyone...stay cool.

May 27, 2012

Love the moon photo Betsy. I can see you moving to an area of great beauty and opportunity. If those cousins of yours complain that you are not doing enough, tell them that a chic in Chicago wants to have a chat. And yes, part time seasonal work would be good.

Maddy, I have long used that phrase, it is such a crazy brood of folks. My husband and I were relaying the stories from yesterday to my Son and DIL tonight at dinner and we were laughing but also just shaking our heads...how is it that we all came from the same family? I guess I am grateful for having noticed that my family was not normal, at a young age, so that when i went to friends homes, I could see what was more normal and take heart that other families operated differently. That gave me hope.

May 27, 2012

Trudi------You made a very exact and true statement, and I agree. You said.... "those who offend

the most are the ones least likely to realize they are the problem". Alas.....they probably never

will realize it.

Betsy------Glad that you had such a nice day at the Washington Crossing Park. Rich was no doubt

very near to you and letting you know that he was there with you. Thanks for all the pics. I especially

like the patriot one. Also, the man on the yellow bicycle. Sounds like a very enjoyable day, and Rich

was there with you to join in the experience.

Maddy-----What will the boys be doing for the summer when they are out of school? I hope that

your photo class will be very helpful. I have 'Photoshop' (which came installed on my computer

when I bought it). I have never been very good at navigating it. I guess I'm dumb, but it seems

like a professional software program. I was hoping to take a class on Photoshop, but the nearby

career center that had one, had a very high fee for the class, so I did not get to take it. So, I seldom

use Photoshop........just use one of the other ones that are simpler to navigate. Thinking of you as

your dear sweet Rachael's birthday approaches. I know how the day can somehow 'resonate'

in the deep recesses of the mind. We 'know it' conciously, of course.....and never forget, but it

effects the subconsious too. I know everyone here knows the feelings.

Becky----Thanks for posting the lovely pics.

Dee------Sorry that the dinner after the memorial service for your dad was not very pleasant. It

was good that you skipped the graveside. Sometimes we must do what we have to do in order

to ward off those toxic hurts from the past. Sorry there was not much rapport with your brothers.

I guess that most families have some unpleasant people among them.........I know that our family

does......( one sister is especially what you could call toxic......always looking for something to

latch onto in order to stir up trouble) Needless to say, I avoid her. I'm not happy about it, but that's

the way it is.

Kate------Hope that your weather turns to warmer nights. The story of the man in the outhouse and

the bear is a very scary one, actually. I'm glad that he was able to survive, but the poor man might

end up having nightmares about the traumatic day it happened. Still waiting for rain here, with only

small percentage of possiblility, according to the weather report. My husband has been watering

the garden, but we need rain to spur on the growth. I picked lettuce for salad today. Some things

might have to be replanted again later on.

Carol------Praying for Mike and his continuing recovery.

WISHING PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

May 27, 2012

Yes Sherry, and Trudi, those toxic ones, and how sad that they don't know it. I guess that they never will see the distance they cause. I figured when I became an adult that after having to stuff down so much ugliness as a child, I would not do it as an adult. Well, I did of course, did not just know how to say no to disrespect but learned and I simply don't feel obligated to spend time in order to appease the toxic ones.

Today it is going to get to 97 and humid, icky kind of weather but it will force me indoors to deal with all that I must do. I must finish report cards and the house is a mess so when I need to rise from my report card seat...I will do some cleaning. The sprinkler is on and the birds are saying thank you as they dive through the droplets, it has been quite dry here.

Rachel, I love that you and Jonathan's Mom both have 15 year-olds with similar giving-personalities.

May 27, 2012

Morning All, it is a very windy and cool day today. I was up early to take the covers off of the flowers in case of frost last night. We lucked out in that it only actually dipped to 10C. By 8:00 the wind coming off of the lake was sending waves crashing on the shore and the noise is actually quite deafening. Finally a heavy and steady downpour occured. The birds sat on the railing of our deck and in other areas just allowing the water to flow over them. It had been so dry up until now. This allowed us to just sit back with an extra cup of coffee as we watched the trees swaying in the wind.

Sherry, yes, that poor man will definitely have nightmares when he recalls his experience. It is so easy to become relaxed in taking precautions when you do the same routine year after year and nothing happens. The media have definitely made the public aware of the possibility of an encounter, as there are so many out there these days. It's if you startle them or you come upon one of their cubs that you need to be concerned. This man did neither which is so odd. It is very unusual for a bear to attack like that. Climbing a tree or running is definitely the worst thing you can do. You need to wear bells on your ankles, or talk loudly while walking in the woods, carry bear spray....play music, etc. Never, ever run. Just slowly back away and leave any food you are carrying on the ground. If they do decide to charge (which is highly unlikely) then stand as tall as you can. Make as much noise as you are able too...Yelling and screaming. Not a problem there! And if they grab you... tuck your head down with your arms and hands protecting your neck and head and fight for your life.

Thinking of everyone today as we face yet another weekend without our children. Take care.

Kate

May 27, 2012

Kate-----We also got rain today..... Yay! Very much needed by all the crops & gardens. The two horses in

the neighbor's pasture just stood with thier heads lowered, and let the cooling rain run off their

backs, heads, and necks. It was as though they appreciated the shower. Thanks for the tips about

what to do (and what NOT to do) if one has the unfortunate, and frightening experience of coming

upon a bear. Hopefully, none of us will ever happen upon a bear. :mellow: Years ago, when I visited Yellowstone

Nat'l Park in Wyoming, they had open dumps in the park at that time, (60's), and there were many bears alongside the

roads......begging for food. People would feed them all sorts of treats in order to get good pics, and

the bears readily obliged......they loved the sweet treats, and any other foods.....they eat anything.

Signs were all over saying "Do Not Feed the Bears". People would ignore the signs, and go ahead

and feed.....hoping for an amusing and closeup photo. There were a pair of darling little cubs. A

man got very close to them.....waving a treat at them. They promptly climbed a pine tree nearby and

made their little squeeky cries. Then,...... the mama bear was somewhere in the area.......came out of

nowhere....seemingly......and just ran so quickly toward her distressed cubs. People scattered and

ran for their cars so fast. No one was attacked or hurt, luckily. The man teasing the cubs dropped

his camera and made it to his car and left......pronto. The park banned all open dumping in later

years, and all park trash & refuse is trucked out of the park to landfills. After that, the number of

bear sightings was dramatically reduced.

Sherry

May 28, 2012

Sherry and Kate, glad that you both received the rain that the area needs so badly. We remain in a pattern of NO RAIN. Husband and I have had a quiet day. I went to the gym with Shannon and after dropping her off I went to MICHAELS craft store to see if I could find a good end of the year gift for my students. I found it, a journal, lined, with a big Captital letter on the front. I found 25 with the letters I needed to give to each child. Most popular letter? J, five J names all boys. Next most popular letter this year? A, four A names, three girls and one boy. So I am so glad, the one thing I want them to all continue doing is writing. HOORAY! After that I came home and began working more on my report cards, took a break adn went out to the hot outdoors but it had cooled some so I lay on the recliner and read. Made steak tacos and now going for a post dinner walk and more report cards. I write a lot on my cards, (all computerized) and can't seem to just say, " have a good summer".

Carol, I worry that you are not posting and wonder if you are okay, if Mike is okay. I am praying and hoping Dear.

May 28, 2012

Dee, glad you were able to find the perfect gift for your students. I wish I had had you as a teacher when I was young. A very busy,hot and hectic day from the sound of it. I agree about Carol....I hope she and Ralph are managing. Perhaps they are just exhausted after a very stressful and long ordeal.

Sherry...about four years ago I glanced out of the window as I was walking past my bedroom. At first I thought that my dog was outside and had wandered into the side property. Then delayed reaction. It was a bear cub. Sweet little thing was just meandering along as if it had all the time in the world checking things out. I quickly checked on the dog and then thought that if there was a cub...the mother would not be far away. That little cub wandered in our area for two days before climbing a tree and being shot down my a tranquilizer dart by the Conservation people. He was then transported to the Zoo hospital in the city suffering from malnutrition and then treated. They then released him back into the wild. Obviously his mom was not to be found. For the most part animals will leave you alone if you respect their rights. If you act like an idiot however then you are more then likely going to meet with trouble. There are far too many idiots out there. Respect for nature is only sensible.

It has been a truly miserable day all day. The wind has not ceased to blow for ions. The rain is coming down in torrents. We took advantage of the day to do some much needed sorting out of cupboards. Then I roasted a chicken with the trimmings. It is still only 10C. I sure hope it warms up soon.

Thinking of everyone and hoping you are all coping as best as possible.

Kate

May 28, 2012

Hello Folks,

It has been awhile since I have joined in, not sure why. Stacy's birthday fell the day after Mother's Day this year. Difficult day. Her friends organized a balloon release at the cemetery and it was very nice. It was good to see so many people and how loved Stacy was, and still is. For a moment I felt her smile. It is those moments I live for.

Sue

May 28, 2012

Made it home tonight from Williston, we stayed overnight, something we haven't done for a long time and will be a long time before I do it again. It is exhausting. It is so nice to see my kids and grands, along with my brother. He actually took mom for a few hours so I could have some time with the girls.

Went to the grave sites, it is so beautiful with memorial day upon us, somebody else had already placed flowers on JaBoa's grave, it is so sweet that after 5 and a half years somebody else still remembers. My other grandaughter who is the same age as my JaBoa was taking it hard, she just got engaged (which I am not happy over as she just turned seventeen) I think she feels guilty that JaBoa won't get to have the same experiences she is having. We sat and talked about little JaBoa and how sweet and silly and loving she was, did everybody good to think of it.

We left Sena*JaBoa's sister) with her mom, I sure hope it was the right thing to do, she is starving for attention from her mom and dad, and I worry she won't find what she is looking for.

My daughter had all sorts of kids stopping by her house all night long, I didn't sleep but an hour.. I am tired out.. so tired I can't sleep right now.. strange

Dee, I love to read about your students and your love for them, such lucky children and lucky you to share your lives.

Sherry, How lucky people were not to get hurt by the bears.. I would be petrified..

Kate, not sure if I would run or not.. often thought about it when I had spent some time in Yellowstone.. but never did see a bear.

Betsy, love the moon photo.. the moon always reminds me of JaBoa, her name means moonface.. the kids and I always imagine her and all our angels dancing on the moon..

Becky, your pictures are beautiful, the colors are amazing very much visioning angels in the light.

Maddy, sounds like fun in school to bad it gets to many in trouble, sometimes pranks just get carried away, I don't think they always mean to go so far. Our bus lets the kids have a water fight, not sure I like the idea but it has been going on for more years than I have been here.

JohnathansMomma it sounds like you have an amazing family and you are the true meaning of love and family. My heart goes out to you as you and yours, thank you for sharing your life and loves with us. I have been fortunate to have found this place because I lost a 10 year old grandaughter and with that loss my whole life has been reshaped daily. The people here have given me unconditional understanding and I owe so much to them.

I guess I better get this thing sent before I lose it.. I think of our angels and you all everyday..Rhonda, Jenn, Trudi, Susan.. everyone.. thanks for helping me

May 28, 2012

Well on Monday at noon I am getting a tattoo with Robert's ashes in it to honor my son. I am scared but I feel the need to do this. In two days after that I am getting another one with just using Robert's ashes to do a portrait of him. I know it will be hard for the guy but I have given him black and white and color pictures to work with. But the one I am getting tomorrow is a beach scene with footprints leading into the water (to represent how Robert loved the ocean) and then in the ripples of the waves with Robert's ashes it will have the year he is born then behind that it will have his name and then behind that in another ripple of a wave the year he died. The guy is going to do it so suttley that you have to get real close to see it. then the sun will be rising and reflecting into the water (which for me represents how I use to sing to him "You are my Sunshine"). This one will be over my left breast so that he can be so close to my heart and the portrait will be put on my upper side of my back. I know it will hurt but I am more nervous that it won't turn out right and if that happens there is nothing that I can do with it because you can't tell the guy erase it and do something else.LOL Anyway then on Tuesday I am going back to the ciropractor to try and get some help for my back. I have pretty much been in bed since the cruise after having to carry my husband when he got hurt. But I have been thinking about going back to the doctor even before then. I am tired of being in pain. So for a change I am going to try and take care of myself. I am not looking forward to going to CA to celebrate my sons life on his birthday in July. But I feel it is the right thing to do for the first year. But it will be so strange not to be able to go into his apartment like I did all the other times I was in CA. But I will have my husband and my birth sister with me to help me thru all of this and I am looking forward to seeing Roberts two friends that I have taken into my heart as my family. Also I will be able to see Robert's dogs and see how they are doing. I know they tell me that they are doing fine, but I just want to see them. Those dogs are the last connection to my son in some ways. Anyway I just thought I would share all of this.

May 28, 2012

Kate and Sherry, LOL, the poor man was traumatized for life! Didn't you say he was in an outhouse?? Guess he will shut the door from now on. Poor guy.Also, I love, love, love rain. There were some summers in NOLA that once the temps hit the 90's a thunder storm would roll in from the Gulf. We would get a thunderstorm equipped with wonderful peals of lightening. After about an hour, it would end, and the sun would come out. Now of course humidity would rise and the heat, but the wonderful rain made it worth it!! Then there were the exciting floods. Cause they are below sea level!!In Texas it can get to 110 in the hottest days of summer and these people act as if all is normal. In the beginning we could not breath. Finally adjusted, but soooo miss the rain. Sometimes a week of rain in NOLA.~~~~~~~~~~ Now as far as bears, thank you so much Kate. I will tuck that info in my mind for future hiking. All I perhaps can advise on is what not to do if you meet an alligator on a hiking trail in the swamp! But do not think anyone here needs to be concerned in that direction.~~~~~~~. Sherry,Do you have the Adobe Suite? You should be able to take a class at a community college that will teach you how to navigate photoshop. It is professional software. I was on the verge of walking out, no, running out screaming and never to return for my first class LOL :-) , part of my problem was that I had never used an Apple computer before and it was a big adjustment. However, once one sees what Photoshop can and does do.......you will never look at those celebrity photos quite the same way again ;-)~~~~~~~~For my boys, first on the agenda is they will sleep late :-) very important to them and one of their favorite things about summer. I try to get classes if I can, from 8-12, that way they have just woken up when I return home from school :-) really LOL. Carson's taking weight training classes and will continue to work on his cross country running. Sam is looking for a job. Had an interview at a popular teen store in the mall and is waiting and hoping he gets hired. Skippy is working full time, but looking for another job where he could work just part time. It is too difficult at his age to work full time and go to school full time. So he is taking classes this summer too, just like me. Seth has improved tremendously and has drastically improved in the last few months. He is hoping to find a summer job and take classes the second summer semester. So the boys are doing well. See, to tell you how my kids are doing it takes a book, and thank you for asking. :-)~~~~~~~ Leah, It was so nice to hear from you. How very wonderful to arrive at the gravesite and someone had remember with flowers. I am sorry your other granddaughter was struggling so over missing JaBoa.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Dee - I soooo know you are the teacher that parents hope their child is in your class every year. Perhaps you have even been teacher of the year if they have that there? Every school here has one, and then out of those teachers one is recognized district wide. I know you have made the day brighter for many a student! ~. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~LOVE,MADDY

May 28, 2012

It's been 8 months since Kevin was called home. I'm still so overwhelmed by it all. I still get angry at times with him for the poor choise he made that cost him his life, but more then that I'm saddened by it. I;m having a difficult time seeing the future with out him in it. I hurt for my other kids and thier father having to go on without Kevin. I'm glad I have a strong family and we are all there for each other and can talk about Kevin when we need to. We have all pulled together in a way a family should even with thier father and I devorced. What's happened to Kevin is bad enough but add on top of it my mothers heartattac, my 25yr old son in prison because of poor decisions (his) and lies (the girl), my 26yr old daughter, with 3 girls ages 4-7, in a wheelchair unable to walk because of an old injury in boot camp, waitting on surgery, house fire the took the whole house, just to name a few. I try to keep my head up and be positive but it feels like a loosing battle at this point. I'm not the same person I was before Kevin left. I'm not sure I much like who I've become. I'll keep working on it and pushing forward, what else can I do? Maybe in time.................it'll get better? Vivian-Kevin's Mom

May 28, 2012

Oh man, oh man, I just lost a long post...I was getting ready to hit "add reply" and hit the wrong key; wiped out the whole thing. I will come on in the morning and do a repost, but for now I have to lie down...my back is slowly sinking into the pain that is from hell. Tomorrow I will do my post in Word first, like I am always telling everyone else to do...man, I am so dumb sometimes. Thinking of you all. Hubby is okay, though tires very, very easily. Had his first recheck on Friday. A plan was put into motion and I will post more about it tomorrow. So sorry I have not posted in the last few days. Love to all.

May 28, 2012

I will be glad when this year of firsts will be over. I'm having a hard time thinking of the good times and putting away the suffering Stacy went through. Don't know how to do that. Today is Memorial Day and I planted daisies at the grave, her favorites. At home a friend and I have dug out the space for a memorial garden. It is a project and will take all summer to get it right but I like working in it. I will post a picture when it is done. Stacy's fiancé is a young man consumed with anger about everything that happened. It has been very difficult for him and he takes it out on those around him. I wish he could find someone he can talk to. I know I can't help him.....his energy slows and confuses my healing. Pray for my fiends son Peter who is battling liver cancer. Strange he and Stacy have the same thing. They met and became friends many years before either became sick.I wish I could offer sage advise to people on this list but dare say I have little to offer. We all hurt, in the same and different ways. Each of our losses is unique, but clearly the same. So I offer you all my prayers and healing thoughts. Bless you all.

May 28, 2012

Sue----So nice that you have plans for Stacy's memorial garden. With all the flowers, it

will be a lovely way to honor your dear daughter. We have a nice Davey & Lisa's garden

with mostly herbs and perrenials. Peonies are now in full bloom, and lamb's ear is flourishing.

Thoughts & prayers.

Carol-----Glad to hear Ralph is doing ok. Hope both of you are able to get the rest you need.

Kevinsmom...Vivian-----It's good that you have a good relationship with all the family, and that

you are all able to talk. This helps a lot......especially to talk about everyone's feelings about the

loss of your dear son, Kevin. Come to BI when you can. We're here, and understand.

Robertsmom-----So nice that you are getting the tattoos to honor Robert. It sounds like you

have given it a lot of thought, and are pretty well prepared.

Leah-----Good to see your post. Glad that the trip to Williston was worthwhile, even if it was

tiring. I'm glad that everyone remembered dear little JaBoa so fondly. I hope that now you

are back home, that you can catch up on your sleep. I don't need to tell you that daily work

and responsibilities get to be so much more difficult when one is overtired and at the end

of their rope. Peace & comfort to you, friend.

Maddy------Sounds like your boys will be busy this summer. Good luck to them with the job

hunting. I've pretty much given up on the 'Photoshop' software. I do have photos stored in

there, and its about all I can do with it. Have dabbled some with the different tools, and find

that fun, but there is so MUCH that I would need to learn, and I'm not into any serious photo

sorting/arranging etc. , so I use the other photo sites when I need to, which is infrequently.

The Photoshop was already installed on the computer when I bought it. (I think that the

salesman from Dell that I talked to when ordering the computer, did a swift job of telling me

what software I "needed". :blink: I'm sorry that your husband has told you that you need to

get back to 'your old self'. Easier said than done......isn't it? As you said....you are not the

same since your sweet daughter passed. Wishing you good luck with sorting that out with

your husband.

Kate------I agree----people have to really respect wildlife, and being aggressive and doing

idiotic things around wild animals is dangerous. As for myself.......I enjoy seeing wildlife/

birds etc. But, I just like to observe---(not interact....or interfere.) I think that is much

more likely to result in a safer and more successful experience with wildlife. The poor

little cub must have lost his momma. Good that he was rescued, treated, and then got

turned back out into his natural habitat. Your roast chicken with trimmings sounds yummy !

Dee-----Garden and everything looks so refreshed after the good rain we had yesterday. My

morning glory seed have now sprouted. Potato plants are looking so nice. Everything came

up except the green beans. I've talked to several people in the area who said that their green

beans did not germinate either. Too dry in the critical period when they should have sprouted,

I guess. We will replant. The air smelled so good after yesterday's rain. I took a short trip to

my mom's (5 mi.) to return her hat which she left in my car, and also took her a piece of

strawberry shortcake with homemade whip cream. (I know the cream is an extravagant

indulgence as far as fats and calories go, but it is a once-a-year thing, so I ignore all the

warnings for this time) Hope you get all the report cards done, and all the end of the year

chores tied up. Must be a very busy time.

PEACE AND COMFORT FOR ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

May 28, 2012

Sherry..the garden you planted to honor David and Lisa sounds just lovely. What colour are your peonies? And I absolutely adore morning glory. Such a lovely blossom.

Sue...planning the memorial garden for your Stacy is a good way to help to release the pain and it is also a terrific tribute to her. The balloon release at the cemetery sounds like a great way to honour your girl.

Carol...take care of your back. I am glad to see that Ralph and you are slowly getting back into your old routine. I'm sure you miss Kim.

Leah...I was glad to see that the trip to Williston went well. How nice that somebody remembered your sweet JaBoa when they plaved flowers on her grave.

Robert;s Mom...good luck today with your tattoo! I hope your back problem will soon clear up. How is your husband by the way?

Vivian...we all change due to the tragic circumstances surrounding the death of our child. It takes quite some time to feel comfortable with the new you. Go slow and in time it will start to get better.

Maddy, much going on in your neck of the woods. I'm sorry that your husband feels this way. I do remember that at Easter time the family were thrilled at how cheerful you were and remarked that it reminded them of the old you. As I mentioned to Vivian...we simply can't experience a trauma such as this and be expected to go back to our old self. It's simply not possible. It takes a huge amount of time and effort to work our way through the pain. To find a place where we can become comfortable with who we now have become. Every one has their own way of dealing with grief of this magnitude.

You can have our rain any time about now. We had a call from my husband's sister yesterday. Apparently it was very hot in Dayton over the weekend. It is still extremely cloudy here today and threatening more rain! The plus side is that things are beautifully green and lush now. My garden is looking quite perky and happy for the moisture. I find my gardening a form of catharsis. It helps me to feel as if something positive is happening when I grow things from scratch and design gardens. I look on it as a piece of artwork. Every year I change the palette of colours and look forward to the excitement of seeing it unfold. It is never boring.

A piece of trivia from my cesspool of useless information...At Versailles during the time of Louis X1V...he would retire to his bedchamber every night and an entire army of gardeners would work the entire night to replant the gardens. When he woke the next morning he would be pleased to see a whole new colour scheme before his eyes. No wonder they had a revolution!

Hubby off to Ottawa this week on business. A long but hectic week ahead. Take care everyone.

Kate

May 28, 2012

Will talk more later but Maddy, you are doing better, maybe your husband feels a bit threatened by your new-self, that you are learning new wonderful things at school, that you have a community of folks to talk with and help out as they come here. We don't have a time limit on our grief, thank heavens. Maybe he thought the more supressed was better because everyone could work around you but now you are a vibrant human that looks ahead, not needing him as much? Just a thought. We are changed, but your grief was on hold for a long while and now you are dealing with it, I think some non-threatening talks may help him see that now you are seeing that you can live well.

May 28, 2012

Thank you Dee, you make some good points that are valid.

I do love school because I have a sense of accomplishment too. I just got my grade back and made 100 on the final test in Psychology. So I made 100 for all 4 test grades in the 2 week Maymester. Very happy and feel like I can at least do something right. When I started back to school after Rachael died, I only took one class per semester the first year and a half because I really thought I was not smart enough. So I have found school to be fun and enjoyable, and I am able to help my boys navigate college from recent personal experience, and they really like that.

So it is not that I do not love my family. I do, and I love being with them. I guess I still feel like a failure as a mother and find it incredibly hard to be the fun person I once was. Not that I am not fun any longer, it is perhaps that I am no longer light hearted.

So Dee, if you or anyone else can shed some light, I would really appreciate it.

May 28, 2012

Rachael's Mom

Congrats on the 100 percent you got on your psychology final - that is a great accomplishment. Remembering things, for any length of time, can be hard for us sometimes.

YOU GO GIRL!!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

May 28, 2012

Kate

If I ever took part in a trivia contest, I would want you on my team!!!

Your knowledge base is amazing!!

I love your factoids!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

May 28, 2012

Maddy, as sad as it is and I sound so harsh in saying it, this is your husband's problem, not yours. I mean it is yours too as you love him and want to work things through, but that you are a different Girl than who you used to be is not a problem for you, it is that you are coming to terms with it. And that you feel you are a different person at school to me sounds more like, you are this newer Maddy now, this evolved due to horrific change, and yet seeing the sunlight Maddy. We evolve, often times not at the same pace or time as our partners and it can be hard on a marriage. Would he consider talking to someone with you so that you can present your issues as a couple?

Okay, going to present the poem that the whole class wrote, it took us about 4 weeks, worked on it about 30 -50 minutes per week. It is called a Sestina, it is an ancient form of poetry and the words and the lines were chosen and voted on each time. So it takes six words to end six lines in each of six stanzas in a specific order until the end which takes all six words and works them into three lines...this is how I end the school year each year, teaching this kind of poetry and this class took this and ran with it. The note below is what I will send home with each sestina to parents.

This is Room 204’s Sestina the rules of which are on the preceding page. Most adults do not know of this ancient form of poetry, but here is what your Children created in the last 4 weeks of third grade. Hard to believe that 8 and 9 year olds could develop this amazing work, a treasure to my heart.

Our words chosen in union---shadow, music, earth, faith, harmony, green

I see the ghostly trees shadow,

The coyote’s howl sounds like music-

I hear footsteps getting closer upon the earth.

The starry skies lift up my faith

The stars fit in the sky like harmony,

And moonlight reflects off the river green.

I see a wolf run past an evergreen,

The footsteps get louder, I see its shadow.

The tree branches wrestle in harmony.

The trees dance to Mother Nature’s music-

I see the only flower and name it Faith.

I love the forests of the earth.

Moonlight shines on the Earth

The trees sparkle green

I hear twigs snap behind me but, I don’t lose faith.

Above me looms a dark shadow

The dark forest fills my ears with music

And the wind whistles harmony.

The ghostly trees shadow dance in harmony

I see light dawning on the crust of the Earth

And the sunrise sings beautiful music.

The sun reflects on earth and the dark grasses turn green.

The wolf’s howl disappears with the his shadow

Something is watching me, I can sense it but I have faith.

The sunlight gives me courage and faith.

The ripple on the river is harmony

And in the sky, I see dancing shadows.

The shining sun casts light upon the earth.

I see a beautiful bird that is a deep green.

The splashing of the river sounds like music.

The green bird follows me with its music.

This adventure gives me incredible faith.

I’m almost home from the forest green

and while I was walking, named the green bird Harmony.

I see my stone house built upon the earth

And my dog jumps to greet me, his name is Shadow.

Shadow loves music, he howls along in harmony.

This journey has revealed my faith upon the earth.

I look back at forest green, and it disappears in shadow.

May 28, 2012

Dee, how beautifully written. I truly enjoyed it! A lovely way to end the year for the parents to have such a lovely and beautifully written poem as a keepsake.

Colleen...thanks. I love history. And I truly enjoy gardening. We used to play many board games that tested our knowledge as kids. Between that and travelling it is a wonderful education.

Oh Maddy...I think the new you is still really a warm and caring person. And the fun you is still beneath all of that which you are hiding beneath your pain. You proved that at Easter. Just be yourself. Try not to focus so much on what is happening but just let it take form on its own. Awesome mark by the way! Way to go! Just remember that you can't rock a boat without making waves. Many people are afraid of change. They fear being left behind. As to things not being as important as they were before Rachael died...well I too feel the same way. There is a general flatness about my world these days. Jeff's death truly placed complete focus on what really matters in my life. The rest is window dressing. Focus on the positives in your life right now. Great kids, school going really well, and your health is good. Take care.

Carol...hope that back is improving?

Kate

May 28, 2012

IM ALIVE AND WELL OR AS WELL AS CAN BE...KIMBERLY ANDI WERE BLESSED TO TAKE A 7 DAY MOTHER DAUGHTER (S) CRUISE TO GRAND CAYMONS FEW WEEKS AGO..OUR TS SAID MOTHER DAUGHTERS CRUISE WITH ANGEL WINGS OVER THE S CUZ KOURTNEY WAS WITH US....WE HAD A BLAST...ACTUALLY SAW KIMBERLY RELAXED AND LAUGHING NO PHONES NO HUBBY NO MESS...I HOPE WE CAN DO IT AGAIN SOME DAY THE CRUISE DIRECTOR TOLD EVERYONE OF OUR WEAR GREY IN MAY CAMPAIN...IT WAS PRETTY NEAT...

WELL KOURTNEYS ANGELVERSERY IS JUNE 17 4 YRS....IM HAVING A WHITE DOVE RELEASE...AND A FEW SONGS...AND A POEM...THE MAN IS BRINGING THEM FROM OKC, THEN OF COURSE THEY FLY HOME...

OTHER THEN THAT NOT MUCH IS GOING ON, KODY HAS A NEW JOB AND A NEW TRUCK AND IS DOING WELL...HIS RACE CAR HAS NEW MOTOR WE HOPE TO TRY OUT THIS WEEKEND

KIMBERLY STARTED A NEW JOB AND SHE LOVES IT...THEY EVEN PAID HER FOR VACATION TIME ON CRUISE...

HOPE ALL IS WELL WITH YAL..MISS CHATTING WITH YOU...AND ALL THE ANGELVERSERIES AND BIRTHDAY OF YOUR SWEET ANGELS

May 29, 2012

I spent some time at the cemetary today...this poem came to me while I was there. I'm a writer but I haven't been able to write anything at all since his death til this today.

I just can't say

Goodbye to you

Please someone

Tell me it's not true!

Wake me from

This horrible dream

And put things back

As they SHOULD be!

I cannot say

... Goodbye my son

Because a mother and child

Are always one.

From MY flesh

You were formed

And from MY body

You were born

In my heart

You were nurtured and grew

I lose myself

If I lose you...

They still don't have his name up on his tomb so I made the plaque you see in the pic to put out there until his name gets put up. Andy loved football. Despite that being how he got injured he always said if they could fix him so he could, he would play again. The flag and eagle is because he also loved our constitution, law and politics the way our founding father's intended it. Ironically we never intentionally centered his funeral around Eagles but it turned out that way (nice) and sometimes when I visit him in the cemetary an Eagle will swoop down over me and hang around...then follow my car til I get into town then it turns back.

I cannot bear the thought of him being gone. Sometimes I entertain the idea that I'm actually in a coma and I'm going to be brought out and everything is going to be back like it was...and Andy is going to be healthy and fine...done with college, married and happy. I can even reason it...I was very sick with my own illness before he got injured. Three times they didn't think I would pull through so who knows? Maybe one of those times I actualy slipped into a coma? That would explain how I get by without sleeping now, why my existence is mostly confined to this house, why I hardly ever eat but my weight remains the same.. Don't most people who have lost a child have family stop by to check on them? See how they are doing? I have a large family but I don't have anyone stopping by the house.And it would explain why it seems as if I am the only one mourning...I haven't seen my husband or daughter cry. It's been more like life as normal for them. Could be possible! Or...just a writers imagination wishing...or I am losing my mind...IF it is the case though...I wish someone would tell me how to wake up!

May 29, 2012

Hey Lorrie- -----Good to see your post, and so glad that things are going ok for you and your

family. The cruise with Kimberly must have been so fun & relaxing. Love the description

of the T's you and she wore. They must be lovely, and sweet Kourtney was right there with you.

Your plans for Kourtney's memorial on her Angel Day sounds just beautiful with the doves & all.

Dee-------The Sestina that your class wrote was truly lovely. I enjoyed reading it. Many of

your students will, no doubt, take that rewarding experience with them on through school,

high school, and into college. When in their later years in school, they will be able to draw

from this experience when assignments come up.

Maddy------I understand, when you said that you are just not the same and into fun and

zest for life as you were before your dear daughter ,Rachael, passed. That is how I

feel about myself. I can still enjoy life, of course, but it's just 'different', and I expect

that it always will be. Congrats on getting 100 on your psychology test

Kate------We have dk. pink, lt. pink, wine color, and white peonies. The morning glories will

soon be starting to climb up the old fence post at the end of the grape arbor.....probably in

a couple weeks. Also have purple iris, and lavender& white iris, and the cornmeal yarrow

is beginning to bud now. We must divide the peonies in the fall, as they are getting too big.

the ground is fertile here, so most transplanting does well. Saves money in dividing and

transplanting. Hope that the rain clears out soon in your area.

Carol----Thoughts & prayers for you & Mike and the family.

Andysmom-----Good to see your post. Thanks for posting the photo and poem.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

May 29, 2012

LORRI? Wow it is really you and I am so glad to see you here. So happy to read that you and Kimberly had a blast on the cruise, and that wear gray in may shirts were a hit. Remember to show us how to purchase and then the money can go to research or to Kourtney's Kloset. How is the Kloset these days? How is Monti? Glad to hear that my Dear Kody is well and working and driving still. Did the girlfriend get out of his system? How bout Kimberly's husband, still together? Did she land that job in Chicago? Anyway, tell us some more about how you are and what you have been up to.

Andy's Mom, it is indeed a fantasy that many of us shared in those first months and first year especially after we lost our Dearhearts. I wish I could wake you from the bad dream but I can't, I can only tell you that it will not always be so surreal, but it will be surreal for some time. Your poem is beautiful, I love it. I know that I wrote a lot before Eri died, but since she died, I write about loss and repair most. There will be repair, but as the discussion earlier shows, we are changed of course by our loss, so great a LOSS. We were changed so drastically by thier birth, so it is only fitting that we are changed in their death. I am sorry that your health is a concern, and I am sorry that in that big family you are lonely. It isn't that your daughter and husband are not grieving, it is more that we all grieve so differently, often family members take turns, not sure if it is safe to grieve heavily if someone already is doing so in the family, who will take care of who kind of thing. Or it could be that they are more stoic in their grief. Either way, it may be important to discuss it so that you do not feel isolated by their lack and they don't feel at ease speaking of Andy's death. There is NOTHING easy about this loss, nothing, but there will be some healing, not getting over it, but learning to live and assimilate the tragic circumstances that took your Boy. I wish you a night of good sleep and perhaps a good dream.

Kate and Sherry, thanks, I love the format of the sestina and I am so amazed by my students taking this on in so powerful a way. We finally got rain, YIPPEEEE! It rained for 5 minutes, that's it.

May 29, 2012

Well I got the tattoo today over my left breast. They used some of Robert's ashes, so he will be with me always and when I look in the mirror I know what the tattoo symbolizes. I will explain. First the footprints in the sand is Robert going into the ocean and the sun represents the song I sang to him "You Are My Sunshine". It hurt alot in certain areas. I am going Wednesday to get Robert's portrait on my upper back with his ashes in it all over.

Now I have a question for everyone and I am not trying to upset anyone and I may not say this in the right way, but I will try. Has anyone of you that has lost a child in whatever way, said goodbye to that child. I was told that I needed to say goodbye to Robert and I just cannot do that. I would feel like then it would be like he never exsisted in the first place. I was just wondering if any of you have any feelings about this. thanks

May 29, 2012

I only have a moment to write, although I have read everyone's posts. Dee and everyone, thank you so very much for your words of wisdom and kindness concerning my husband. I appreciate your understanding and it really helps knowing I am OK and not wrong for evololving in to who I am. ~~~~~~~Dee, the Sestina was beautiful!! How amazing that third graders could write so eloquently and do it collectively! So peaceful and picturesque. Thank you for sharing it with us, I so enjoyed it. I had never heard of a Sestina and have really learned only to enjoy poetry recently after the CW class I took. Now I enjoy poetry a lot and all forms. I also loved the beat poems the kids did in my class and found them amazing.~~~~~Kate, yes you are Trivia Queen, definitely :-)~~~~~~Sherry, hello :-)~~~~Colleen, hello, good to hear from you :-)~~~~~Lorri, so glad you enjoyed the cruise ~~~~~~Andy's mom, The poem is lovely and spoke to my heart. I understand your pain and your aching loss. We all do.~~~~~~~~I must run as I have a busy day tomorrow. I have read everyone's posts and wish I had time to answer. But you are all in my thoughts and prayers.~~~~~~LOVE, MADDY~~~~~~~P.S. - we have a big,wonderful, windy, and lightening filled rain storm outside. Thank you to Kate and everyone else who said they would send me some rain......it apparently worked and I am loving it

May 29, 2012

Hello Indigo’s,

Roberts mom, wow. He did a really good job on your tattoo. It contains and shares a story doesn't it. A life and on to another life. Which brings me to, No. I have never said good-by to Rich. I told him shortly after his death that I would see him later. I still do.

Dee,a great job the students did. Creative and 360 degree. I hope they hang on to the poem forever in reflection and learning.

Lorri, so good to see Kourtneys pretty smile today. The cruise sounds like a great time and good to hear that Kim also had time to relax and let things go for a spell.

I'll catch up later. Just wanted to add that I went to a picnic yesterday at my dads SIL. She requested many years ago to be addressed by her first name so I can't say “aunt”. I had a very nice time. The temps were cool in the morning but humidity increased into the afternoon. It was nice though. I don't concern myself with melting make-up the way I used to. I made my first ever Sangria.. Found a recepie on the net, followed it sort of. People enjoyed and there is a some left over. ( I bought a box of wine :rolleyes: ) Good company. Chatted with a retired Navy man. Nice intelligent conversation.

Monday morning but not. Check in later to catch up.

May 29, 2012

Ali died five months ago today...

All around me life goes on. I live in a subdivision of about 125 homes, and only about 25 of those are permanent residences. Spring means the arrival of the other hundred summer families, mostly from the Chicago area. They dribble in on weekends and then invade in full force on Memorial Day weekend. My mantra becomes "is it Labor Day yet?" The majority are wonderful people who just want to come here and enjoy our beautiful little lake. The minority are "chicacas" - people who bring their money and power and politics with them, disrespecting the peace, the environment, and the locals - and I am their favorite target. In years past, the stress of it all has brought me to the brink of anxiety overload, driving me into depression so deep it usually takes the full fall season and a good part of winter for me to recover, to rebuild, to find my internal peace. And then it all begins again...

This year has been so different because I am a different person now. I am no longer Darlene, that person who let them get to me, who felt the need to respond in kind to their harassment and personal attacks, who allowed them to make me be a person I didn't like very much. That Darlene died five months ago today...

I am Ali's Mom...

I am in a better place and I am a better person than I have ever been in my entire 53 years on this earth. I was blessed with my beautiful son here with me for 9,695 days of my life, and I have been given the gift of his joyful, kind, and loving spirit in my heart for the rest of my days...

I am Ali's Mom...

May 29, 2012

Robert's mom....love the tattoo....I held Brianna's hand and told her that the angels were here to take her home, and that I would miss her and love her every single day I had left, and I WOULD see her again...and it was okay for her to go....but I did not say goodbye.

Interesting piece of trivia I heard on the radio yesterday....Alice Cooper (the singer) has a radio show and I listen to it occasionally....last evening he made mention of Memorial Day and said something about the loss of a child...how he could not imagine such a horrible loss and his heart goes out to those parents who had....he talked about Robert Plant of Led Zeppelin losing a son (I did not know this) and the song "All My Love" was about his child....and then he played the song. I must have heard this song a thousand times in my life but I certainly listened with new appreciation after hearing the story behind it.

Sometimes, I think we are drawn to other parents who have lost a child.....let me explain....I work two weekends a month at a local convenience store....it's a small town so we have the regulars who come in. One older man always brings in mints and gum for us cashiers. One day when I was waiting on him, he told me that he had lost a 4 year old son many years ago, the little guy had pulled a large TV off a stand and it crushed him. I don't even remember how the conversation led up to that revelation....perhaps a couple little angels working in the background?

Jenn

Brianna's momma

May 29, 2012

Robert's Mom...ouch! It looks great, but did it hurt?

Betsy...glad you had a good time at the picnic. How did you like the Sangria?

Dee and Maddy...I am only to happy to send more rain. Be careful for what you wish. It is another very windy and cool day here today. It rained all night and they are calling for frost tonight. It is supposedly going to clear up late afternoon and warming up to seasonal starting tomorrow.

Andy's Mom...your poem was truly heartfelt and just lovely.

Jenn...I agree about happenstance. How somehow we can casually come across the path of another person that just seems to appear out of nowhere and in sharing our story we find we are not alone. I felt the same way when I listen to "Tears in Heaven", by Eric Clapton. He wrote the song for his son Conor that died in an accident in '91. Takes on a whole new meaning when I listen to it now. At first I had to turn it off when they played on the radio. Now I am okay with it.

Darlene...I am glad that you are in a better place as time marches along. It helps to give me hope that I too will be able to finally move forward. It's hard.

Sherry...your garden sounds just beautiful. I'm sure the butterflies and hummingbirds are thrilled to nest in your yard. I decided to make an old fashioned trellis on my gardening shed. I then planted sweet peas. I love the scent of the flowers and they are such a cheerful looking flower. I know they are old fashioned, but a touch of melancholy hit and I remembered days from my youth when the perfume just permeated the air.

Thinking of everyone. Have a decent day.

Kate

May 29, 2012

Jenn-I remember when Eric Clapton's son died, I think he fell out of a window, and he wrote the song Tears in Heaven, which always made me so sad. I looked it up and it happened in 1991, when his son was 4 years old. At the time Westley was 2, and I just couldn't imagine the pain that the death of a child would inflict. And never wanted to. I had never heard that about the Led Zep song. Sadness comes to everyone, it seems.

Dee-Loved the sestina, I think I spelled it right. Westley had in middle school submitted a poem (I think they had to do it for a grade) and it was published in a book, which of course I bought. Its about snow, I think. I haven't gotten it out and looked at it lately, but I think I found the original the other day going through some papers. I just can't seem to make myself go through things yet and sort them all out, I couldn't tell you the last time I opened his bedroom door. I guess I must be in the dictionary now under "denial".

Leah-Good to see you, hope you are getting some rest and glad you enjoyed the trip to see JaBoa's resting place.

Lorri-So good to hear from you and it sounds like your family is doing well. Will be thinking of you during June, especially.

Carol-Take care and write when you can. Everybody just worries when we don't hear from you, but know that you have so much going on right now.

Betsy-I will be waving back when you fly by. I enjoyed the pictures you posted of the Patriot and others.

Maddy-I feel so much like you, it seems sometimes you are writing my thoughts. I don't know if my husband wishes he had the old me back, he's never said so, maybe I wasn't such great shakes to begin with? Haha, just a little joke there. But seriously, yesterday I was off and I couldn't seem to get going on anything. I didn't want to leave the house, so I stayed there all day. We'd gone out with my daughter's family on Sunday, so I didn't feel like I was neglecting anybody, but I just felt so tired I didn't want to be "on" for anybody.

Friday night, we went to my granddaughter's dance recital. She turned 4 last Thursday, and she was the youngest in her group from day care that took dance during the day. I knew what they were wearing (white traditional kind of dance outfit with black designs and purple accents), but not what they were dancing to. When the music started, it was "Smile", a newer version that absolutely broke my heart. I will say that I cried throughout the whole performance. She was the most precious one there, of course, and that is a song that I play sometimes when I am really down, to try to cheer myself up, with mixed results. I've tried to attach the Nat King Cole version. I hope it works and you enjoy it.

http://youtu.be/I85ApzR43jU

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