Loss of an Adult Child

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Sorry I have missed angel dates and reading the posts... been sick with stomach virus.... yuck! I usually don't get sick at all, sign of the times I guess, not enough sleep, worry, stress....I will try to read and get caught up!

Love to all,

[robyn]

Here is another tool for your walk through grief.

Thank you so much for this! I especially liked what the older man said about "intent". People really, really, don't know WHAT to say but want so much to help. So many have no frame of reference for what we are going through and I honestly believe that we scare them a little, too.

I think that in our sorrow, we sometimes forget that others loved our precious children, too, but they weren't "mom" or "dad", or family, so they feel they have to back off, even as they are feeling sad, too. I have tried to reach out to some of her friends when given the opportunity, even when I didn't really want to. Chrissy would expect that.

I was able to have a long private talk with my younger daughter the other night. She is still so devastated by the loss of her sister and best friend. Her faith is taking a wicked beating. All she really wanted was someone to listen while she raged. She feels it is so unfair and is angry at God for building a "wall" between her and Him. She just doesn't see, yet, that the wall is of her own making, and her sorrow is blinding her and making that anger so much worse. But she has to go through this. I am just there to listen...and pray my heart out for her. I trust God and know He has Cory firmly in His hands. I know she will be ok in time.

I know I will be able to go home, too, someday. I hope it won't be too long, but until that time, I have to keep working, praying, for my kids, for all of you in here, and for myself. And I will keep trying to see other's intent, rather than their words.

[Susie_q512]

Brian's Dad - I was finally able to view the video. Thank you for posting it.....looking for the intent is the goal, but sometimes we are so consumed by the pain that we lose sight of the intent....so very true.

Dang stomach virus....I had it a week ago, and it just added to my misery. Hoping all will be well soon.

[ericasmom]

Everyone with the tummy-bug, many students have had it and over the weekend, I developed a bit of that old dizzy stuff that I get sometimes, where everything is off kilter. I did not throw up but often felt I might. Some of this for me is when my allergies get to the point where my sinuses are swollen and pressing on everything. That is what is going on now, so on some extra allergy meds to help. When everything blossoms at the same time there is no way for those of us with outdoor allergies to combat it.

I hope you are all on the mend, I know how icky it feels. I laid out all day yesterday feeling ill and unable to do anything. Today, much better but still a bit off.

The sun is casting some bright rays before she sinks in the western sky and I am going to get out and grab a bit of it to remind me that gold is sometimes right above us.

[ericasmom]

Susan, the work you did in Shannon's room must have worn out your aching heart and yet it feels the right thing to have done. Good that you and Ragen feel better about it now. The scrap books are a keepsake a touchstone, artifacts from your Girl's life. Letters and photos that prove this Child was here and remains here in the hearts and souls of many.

I know what those books and mementos mean to me, and while each time reviewed more tears and missing, there along with that, a sense of the joy in my Daughter's life, the many friends she loved so fully, and proof for my aching heart that she lived a good life, short but very filled.

Goodnight all, sleep well and dream sweetly

[robyn]

Brian's Dad - I was finally able to view the video. Thank you for posting it.....looking for the intent is the goal, but sometimes we are so consumed by the pain that we lose sight of the intent....so very true.

Dang stomach virus....I had it a week ago, and it just added to my misery. Hoping all will be well soon.

Susan,

I hope you feel better soon!

Robyn

[mikesmum]

Just dropped by to post some pics I took on the new camera...Taken on the 7hr drive through the windscreen...sometimes watching clouds I get a feeling of closeness with Mike...crazy.. maybe.

Night from Robe South Australia......Love you Micheal Shane,

[Jilly's mom]

Robyn,

I can so relate to what you wrote. My youngest daughter Sierra had another meltdown last weekend as well. I have come to realize when she asks to go out for the night to a friends and says "I don't want to be here" she is really saying she can't take one more trip upstairs to her room and pass by Jilly's door. (we keep it closed, so that it still smells like her room.) She is struggling in school (had to take the ACTs last month, and did not do as well as she knows she could have under "normal" circumstances.) She started sobbing saying "I am doing the best I can! I don't want to have to go by her room everytime I go to mine, I am mad that she left me. I am mad that she won't be here for vacations and graduations and weddings! If you make me go to a counselor, I will hate you!" So I gave her teachers a heads up, called an past teacher she adores and encouraged a lunch date between them. Sierra doesn't want to go into Jilly's room, doesn't want to change it, doesn't want to move downstairs, she just wants her back. Don't we all? 4 months out already and quite honestly if the plane we get on this week disappeared into the bermuda triangle, or the world ended this year, I wouldn't care! I did find a couple of books and have read her some chapters so that she has a better idea of what to expect. Each "first" is so hard. The ache is so deep and the hole is so big. There are days I go to the cemetery 2 or 3 times a day...and then there are days I don't feel the need to go at all, because I remember that she isn't really there. But her body is, the one I gave birth to, the one I miss hugging and kissing. We are going on our first family vacation this week. We have decided that when we do family pictures now, we will include her stuffed bear Edward. She always enjoyed the "I spy" books and in every one of those pictures there is always one object that is in each picture. Edward will be that object for us...to stand or sit and hold Jilly's place. I can't even fathom a Christmas card this year with only 4 of us in it!

When we took Jilly's grave blanket off last week, we had a large box filled with things other people had brought and placed in it. I miss the comfort of looking at those things when I go and sit (or lay sometimes) next to her grave. We are finally starting to shop for monuments. ICK, ICK, ICK. I never wanted to have to do this!

Thanks for letting me rant.

Louise

Thank you so much for this! I especially liked what the older man said about "intent". People really, really, don't know WHAT to say but want so much to help. So many have no frame of reference for what we are going through and I honestly believe that we scare them a little, too.

I think that in our sorrow, we sometimes forget that others loved our precious children, too, but they weren't "mom" or "dad", or family, so they feel they have to back off, even as they are feeling sad, too. I have tried to reach out to some of her friends when given the opportunity, even when I didn't really want to. Chrissy would expect that.

I was able to have a long private talk with my younger daughter the other night. She is still so devastated by the loss of her sister and best friend. Her faith is taking a wicked beating. All she really wanted was someone to listen while she raged. She feels it is so unfair and is angry at God for building a "wall" between her and Him. She just doesn't see, yet, that the wall is of her own making, and her sorrow is blinding her and making that anger so much worse. But she has to go through this. I am just there to listen...and pray my heart out for her. I trust God and know He has Cory firmly in His hands. I know she will be ok in time.

I know I will be able to go home, too, someday. I hope it won't be too long, but until that time, I have to keep working, praying, for my kids, for all of you in here, and for myself. And I will keep trying to see other's intent, rather than their words.

[Susie_q512]

Trudi - Beautiful pictures.....kind of made me want to take flight and get a better view. I look at the sky often.....sometimes lost in thought, and at other times, hoping to catch a glimpse of my girl.

Louise - I'm sorry that you daughter is struggling so, but I suppose that it is normal for her to feel this was.....siblings share such a special and unique bond. I know that my daughter, Ragan, is missing her baby sister. Wish that I could carry her pain or walk the path of this new life for her, but I can't.....I suppose we each have to find our own footing or place in this new existence. Still, it hurts us to witness the pain that our living children experience. I often ponder the difference that maturity and life experience makes for us adults when compared to the lack of those things in our much younger and less experienced children.....it must be very difficult for them.

[ericasmom]

I think that the whole issue of Siblings and what they go through when they lose their sibling is just under-written about and lacks attention. Jonathan was 21 when my Daughter died, she was 19 and the shock and anger and depression was huge. The anger is so difficult to deal with for them, as many feel if only they...for Jon, he always feels if only he had gone home that evening and then maybe he and Eri would have decided to order delivery of food rather than she going to get it, or maybe this or maybe that...and even larger for him was, he invited her to live with he and friends at the end of summer 2002 because he knew that his sis needed to have a change similar to all of her buddies going away to colleges all around the country. He thought, what if I didn't ask her to live with us...My only answer to that was, then she would not have had the experience that was most dear to her, living away from home in a town she loved with her dearest friend: her brother.

Sounds to me that you Louise and Susan, that you are allowing your Girl's their grief and supporting them in ways that we cannot fathom when not in this position. I love the Bear idea, eventually your Girl will know that you take Jilly everywhere with you each day and night. She is right there all the time. I think the call to the beloved teacher was a great idea too. Ragan helping with her Sister's room helped her feel a part of putting something together again. WHen we are broken and we take the steps through grief that we do, we are essentially rebuilding, constructing a new world in which to find a way to live. It is so damn hard but in that, it is like the torn canvas (wanted to comment on that a long while ago but was too bogged down). The torn canvas, an imperfection in the product. We work at that tear, we build up around it, we find ways to scoot around it until we are ready to dive into that hole, that gouge, and there is where we mine from that deep endless ache, the gold that helps us live our best lives. Not because we ever wanted to have to go mining, but because at some point we know we must.

Trudi, the photos are gorgeous, clouds are the material that remind me of our Babies, light and move on zephyrs of air, tiny threads of energy that come together much like the tiny droplets of water that gather in a wave. Love the second one that resembles WINGS!

[ericasmom]

having to do with Clouds and our Angels as well as Bringing them with us everywhere we go:

Binoculars

Bringing the clouds into clear focus

As I gaze through my binoculars-

As though the soft gathered material

Is passing just inches away-

And I search for hints of angels

Within the cumulous sky.

Deep Beats

She is a deep beat in my heart,

a part of my everyday,

a cause for my tears -both joy and ache,

she is the breath in

the long sighs.

That deep beat in my heart,

that was added when she left,

is evidence of her presence,

protected always

in my promise to carry her everywhere.

Dee

summer 2008

[Maddy6]

@

[Jilly's mom]

The first one reminds me of a giant eye, watching us. Would like to think of it as Heaven's portal! Love the 2nd one too, looks like wings!

Just dropped by to post some pics I took on the new camera...Taken on the 7hr drive through the windscreen...sometimes watching clouds I get a feeling of closeness with Mike...crazy.. maybe.

Night from Robe South Australia......Love you Micheal Shane,

[ericasmom]

Maddy, yes, our Children who mourn their Siblings are in deep and encompassing pain, and most of them at an age that defies going to therapy, not able to let a stranger into their hurt, not able to share. For all those with younger kids, please check into your local schools to see if you have a RAINBOWS group, which is all about kids dealing with loss as a group during school hours. For some it is a start, a support to let others know at school that they carry this burden. I do not know if high schools have RAINBOWS. Maddy, I know when we were experiencing our first and second year, there were times I felt we teetered on the edge of losing Jonathan, because so little of his light was shining, dulled by grief. He worked to come back and find ways to live more productively. I sure do understand your worry. The photo? Well, you might be able to have the son-in-law edited out if it works for everyone. Eventually, hanging photos of this new formation of family, may include honoring your Girl with an empty space, the space she would have sat or stood...just a thought. One thing I am pretty sure of is your Girl wants you to move forward knowing that you are not leaving her behind, but rather taking her with you everywhere you go. Heck, even grocery shopping, I sometimes reach for items that Eri loved to eat but I don't purchase now because she isn't here. Sometimes I give her a wink and a nod in the grocery aisles...It is nearly 9 years after she left here, but I feel her and am still her Momma, she will always be my Daughter and in that I am made full.

[Susie_q512]

Dee - Beautiful and wise words as always. Much love to you!

Loiuse - I wanted to comment also that I am in the process of working on Shannon's monument.....such a difficult and unimaginable thing for us to do, and the wanting everything to be perfect for them is a constant pressure. My best advise is to take your time in making the decisions....they are permanent. Once I realized that I had choices and could have a monument custom made, I spent many days and nights viewing images of headstones, etchings and engravings. I went with my ideas complete with the drawing of what I wanted. When I got the first draft of it, I made many changes....now I am waiting on the new draft to be ready for viewing. I had wanted to have the monument up by her birthday, but with so many changes and the need to "get it right", that probably won't be possible. It can take months before the final draft is approved and the monument finished and installed. It hurts that our child is laying in the ground without that headstone, but getting it just the way we want as a memorial and testament to their lives is worth the added wait. Peace to you as you go through this very difficult place in your journey.

[Maddy6]

@

[hoosiermom]

Hello Indigos

Just wanted to comment on a few things, if no one minds

Sickness--about a month after I lost Brianna, I came down with the worst case of bronchitis I've ever had in my life. I was so sick and feeling so bad anyway, I didn't go to the doctor right away and by the time I did, he told me I was this close to developing pneumonia. I think it's really easy for our bodies to succumb to illness when we are grieving, so be sure to take care of yourselves.

Monuments--I walked many a cemetery and looked at many stones before I made a committment for Brianna's. It got to the point where I wondered if I wasn't being a little weird, walking through the cemeteries on a daily basis. But it did help me decide, and looking at all the loving tributes made me realize that I am truly not alone in this journey, that others have been down this path. I sold my van to pay for hers, it is nothing fancy but it has everything I wanted on it and I think it's beautiful. Once it was set however, I dealt with a new sadness that this was the last thing I would ever do/buy for her. Now I know that's not exactly true, as I am always looking for angels or trinkets to give to her.

Siblings--I read somewhere that when a child dies, it shifts the family dynamics in such a way that the siblings are left unsure of their "place"......with my girls, they had lived for so long with a sister with special needs and the understanding that I had to tend to her first, so all of a sudden they had this crazy overprotective grieving mother hovering over them and their every move...it was a lot to adjust to!

As always, sending love to all Indigos...

Jenn

Brianna's momma

[Maddy6]

@

[vivkib]

Just want to first say, I hope you are all doing well today. Me? Well, not so much. Today marks 6 months since kevin's been gone. Not sure how to feel, other then the overwhelming saddness and missing him so much, I guess I'm just numb and fighting the torrent of tears that threaten to fall. How can it be 6 months already? How can it only be 6 months when it also feels like forever that I hugged and kissed him? I just don't know how we're suppost to keep going day after day, year after year. I can't imagine this pain going on forever, but I know it's part of me now. Can we all say "confusion"? Anyway, just one of my bad days. Thank you for listening to my craziness today. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Trudi, thanks for the beautiful pics of the clouds... I love cloud pictures!

Rhonda, I think, put up the pics of the cardinal? Beautiful...

Dee, your words always hit home with me, thank you for sharing your poems and your thoughts.

Greg, I loved the video... so very true, and something I will keep in mind.

Maddy, my heart to you as you struggle to find the right balance with your surviving kids.

My phone has been ringing, because next weekend we have signups for the football and cheer program that I am president of and my hubby is vice president. It has been a struggle to get all the paperwork ready, and make all the notifications, etc., and I don't know if I want to do this another year either. I am tired of parents who are too lazy to step up and help, and who never say thank you for the things we are doing for THEIR KIDS! Jared had been out of this program for three years before this happened, and yet we were stuck with it because nobody takes an interest. In a way, I know it gives me something to do, and there are a few that always express their appreciation, but the majority is just happy that someone else is doing the work, so they can drop their kids off at a 2 hour practice for 4 days a week beginning August, and 3 days a week after school begins........I am really out of sorts today, as I am usually not a complainer. I hope all of you, that like me, have been sick this week will get better soon!

Yesterday, I tried to burn the house down installing a new ceiling fan in my daughter's room. I have installed all the ones in our house over the years, as I take after my dad, who is a bit of a jack of all trades, so I don't wait for hubby unless it is something I can't physically lift or do. Anyway, I turned off the wrong breaker, and after removing the old fan, don't know how I managed not to touch anything together, I went to put in the new plate to hold the new fan, and gathered the wires coming out of the ceiling box to pull through the hole, and BZZZZZZZ, shot out a small fireball that burnt a hole in my sock and scared the beejesus out of me!! lol, it all turned out ok, had to trim the wires a bit, AFTER turning off the right breaker, and it looks lovely.

((Hugs))

[robyn]

Just want to first say, I hope you are all doing well today. Me? Well, not so much. Today marks 6 months since kevin's been gone. Not sure how to feel, other then the overwhelming saddness and missing him so much, I guess I'm just numb and fighting the torrent of tears that threaten to fall. How can it be 6 months already? How can it only be 6 months when it also feels like forever that I hugged and kissed him? I just don't know how we're suppost to keep going day after day, year after year. I can't imagine this pain going on forever, but I know it's part of me now. Can we all say "confusion"? Anyway, just one of my bad days. Thank you for listening to my craziness today. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

Vivien,

If you are crazy, dear one, then so are we all!

I hear what you are saying- this past week was 4 months for us, here. Has it only been that short a time? You're right about the confusion, it does feel like so much longer, sometimes. I had a few weepy days, so I tried to stay away from everybody for a little while. I stuck my nose in my Bible and found some comfort there. God is holding me up, so I'm not afraid of falling, but I try not to think of the "rest of my life". One day at a time...

Love,

Robyn

[robyn]

Trudi, thanks for the beautiful pics of the clouds... I love cloud pictures!

Rhonda, I think, put up the pics of the cardinal? Beautiful...

Dee, your words always hit home with me, thank you for sharing your poems and your thoughts.

Greg, I loved the video... so very true, and something I will keep in mind.

Maddy, my heart to you as you struggle to find the right balance with your surviving kids.

Vivian, I am coming up on the 6 month mark next Monday, and like you, I can't believe it has been that long. How am I living? My boy, Jared (JD), hadn't been away from home for more than a day or two EVER!! OMG, this pain changes, in that I am not a teary mess all day anymore, but the PAIN in my being is still so sharp and overwhelming at times, that I feel that I don't think I can do this. I want to go home to heaven and see my child. I am so tired of fighting for the truth, and to change the speed limits, and to fight for new laws regarding open containers and testing of drivers that kill and are inattentive....... I thought I was so tough, but I am overwhelmed by the hostility of this world, and how people just move on like nothing at all has changed. I have actually spent some time checking out property in Costa Rica....

My phone has been ringing, because next weekend we have signups for the football and cheer program that I am president of and my hubby is vice president. It has been a struggle to get all the paperwork ready, and make all the notifications, etc., and I don't know if I want to do this another year either. I am tired of parents who are too lazy to step up and help, and who never say thank you for the things we are doing for THEIR KIDS! Jared had been out of this program for three years before this happened, and yet we were stuck with it because nobody takes an interest. In a way, I know it gives me something to do, and there are a few that always express their appreciation, but the majority is just happy that someone else is doing the work, so they can drop their kids off at a 2 hour practice for 4 days a week beginning August, and 3 days a week after school begins........I am really out of sorts today, as I am usually not a complainer. I hope all of you, that like me, have been sick this week will get better soon!

Yesterday, I tried to burn the house down installing a new ceiling fan in my daughter's room. I have installed all the ones in our house over the years, as I take after my dad, who is a bit of a jack of all trades, so I don't wait for hubby unless it is something I can't physically lift or do. Anyway, I turned off the wrong breaker, and after removing the old fan, don't know how I managed not to touch anything together, I went to put in the new plate to hold the new fan, and gathered the wires coming out of the ceiling box to pull through the hole, and BZZZZZZZ, shot out a small fireball that burnt a hole in my sock and scared the beejesus out of me!! lol, it all turned out ok, had to trim the wires a bit, AFTER turning off the right breaker, and it looks lovely.

((Hugs))

Becky,

You made me laugh so hard describing the hole in your sock! I'm so glad you are OK! Craig has forbidden me from touching a tool for any reason, just to keep me from putting the entire neighborhood in a blackout, or cutting off something I might need!

Robyn

[robyn]

So I am trying to move forward today and was packing up a comforter and sheet set to send to Rachael's best friend. The set was brand new as she had gotten it for her birthday right before she died, it was girly, was that Victoria Secret Pink design. Rachael's best friend dearly loved her and would love to remember her by using it. So finally after 4 years I am packing it up along with some very nice purses of Rachael's for her best friend to use as her best friend loved Rachael so very much and would be thrilled to have something of Rachael's. After putting it off for 4 years I am doing this today. My 21 yo son catches me and has a melt down. Wanting to know what kind of a parent am I to give my child's things away. Wanting to know if I would do that to him if he died, and why don't I even remember my own child. He had a melt down crying and weeping. I wept with him and held him. I explained to him that he, nor his brothers would want a pink comforter set, and his older sister did not want it. I told him how much Rachael loved her best friend and Rachael would want her to have it. He just kept weeping. I told him it was just "stuff" and that he would always carry Rachael in his heart and love her. I told him that we could get him some type of locket to hold some ashes, or a locked her hair if he wanted and he agreed. I don't even know what to do anymore. It seems everything I do is wrong. I would not hurt my son like that on purpose. How de we move forward? Thanks for listening. Love, Maddy

Maddy,

It sounds like you handled it exactly right. Kids are funny sometimes- they internalize everything. You were there to hold him and talk to him and offer something to help. I always told my kids "things are just things" and that it was people who mattered. Our memories are what matters.

Love,

Robyn

[robyn]

Robyn,

I can so relate to what you wrote. My youngest daughter Sierra had another meltdown last weekend as well. I have come to realize when she asks to go out for the night to a friends and says "I don't want to be here" she is really saying she can't take one more trip upstairs to her room and pass by Jilly's door. (we keep it closed, so that it still smells like her room.) She is struggling in school (had to take the ACTs last month, and did not do as well as she knows she could have under "normal" circumstances.) She started sobbing saying "I am doing the best I can! I don't want to have to go by her room everytime I go to mine, I am mad that she left me. I am mad that she won't be here for vacations and graduations and weddings! If you make me go to a counselor, I will hate you!" So I gave her teachers a heads up, called an past teacher she adores and encouraged a lunch date between them. Sierra doesn't want to go into Jilly's room, doesn't want to change it, doesn't want to move downstairs, she just wants her back. Don't we all? 4 months out already and quite honestly if the plane we get on this week disappeared into the bermuda triangle, or the world ended this year, I wouldn't care! I did find a couple of books and have read her some chapters so that she has a better idea of what to expect. Each "first" is so hard. The ache is so deep and the hole is so big. There are days I go to the cemetery 2 or 3 times a day...and then there are days I don't feel the need to go at all, because I remember that she isn't really there. But her body is, the one I gave birth to, the one I miss hugging and kissing. We are going on our first family vacation this week. We have decided that when we do family pictures now, we will include her stuffed bear Edward. She always enjoyed the "I spy" books and in every one of those pictures there is always one object that is in each picture. Edward will be that object for us...to stand or sit and hold Jilly's place. I can't even fathom a Christmas card this year with only 4 of us in it!

When we took Jilly's grave blanket off last week, we had a large box filled with things other people had brought and placed in it. I miss the comfort of looking at those things when I go and sit (or lay sometimes) next to her grave. We are finally starting to shop for monuments. ICK, ICK, ICK. I never wanted to have to do this!

Thanks for letting me rant.

Louise

Louise,

I think that some of the hardest parts of this are dealing with our other kids, sometimes. Cory is an LPN and has always planned on going back and getting her RN, and from there, perhaps, get her PA. Chrissy was her number 1 cheering squad and was pushing her, hard, to do this. But now that Chrissy is gone, Cory is putting everything off and behaving as if she doesn't care anymore if she does this or not. I'm not bringing it up very much, as I think she needs to deal with her grief right now and wouldn't want me to nag her. But I worry about her so much.

Bobby is graduating from the police academy in May and we had always planned on having a family photo done with all 3 guys in their uniforms and posing in front of the police cars. Now, no one is interested in this, and Bobby feels like his graduation is missing something very big. Chrissy used to send him messages all the time, telling him how proud she was of him. He misses that so much.

Our family really did lose a lot when Chrissy went home. It's going to take a long time and a great deal of faith to move beyond the pain of it. The "walking wounded" aren't helped by other "walking wounded".

I read this in Romans- "The Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for ( and I really DON'T sometimes!), but the Spirit, Himself, intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And He that searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose".

I keep telling the kids that the strongest member of our family now has the ear of the Creator of the universe everyday! Help is always on the way!

Love,

Robyn

[ericasmom]

Becky, I am impressed that you tackle so many household things. I am also grateful that you didn't get hurt and laughed at the thought of that surprise to you. PHEW!

The wind is howling tonight, bringing with it some warmer temperatures and so tomorrow, maybe some gardening. The weeds are amazingly healthy. Peaceful sleep All.

[Susie_q512]

Vivian - You, Becky and I are within weeks of each other on this timeline. Robyn - Your not too far behind us. I can relate to each of you and where you are in this journey.....the posts mirror my own thoughts and feelings so often. Peace and prayers for each of you. (Becky - I'm glad you're still with us....reminded me of something that would have happened to Shannon!)

Jenn - I have also walked the cemeteries looking at headstones and absorbing the fact that others have lost their children too. The headstones of children and young adults scattered among those who lived very long lives. Seemed very odd that my daughter was also buried among all these people whom I never knew. The monument does seem like the last thing I will ever do for Shannon, but like you, I remember that I will be buying trinkets and flowers and seasonal decorations.....we still have a way to shower them with love and gifts. It's not the same, but at least we have a way to express our continued love. I can only speak from the aspect of a mother, but for me it seems that the maternal instinct that existed in life, continues in death....I'm still her mom, and I want to continue to do things for her. It's not the way I would like to do things, but it's all I have, and that instinct and need refuses to lie dormant.

Maddy - I think you handled that situation very well. And really, it seems like that was one more step forward in your journey. I'm sure her friend will treasure those special gifts.....and giving your son something of his sister that he can always carry with him....perfection

[briansdad]

Here is another one. I hope this can help the new people.

[briansdad]

One more. Have Hope........It's all we have other than each other.

[Maddy6]

Thank you for the videos Brian's dad. I'm going to checkout the website now.Maddy

[Susie_q512]

Brian's Dad - Thanks for the videos.....like Maddy, I'm checking out that website right now!

[vivkib]

They will always remain with us! Vivian Kevin's Mom

[vivkib]

Thank you everyone. Yesterday was a hard one, but aren't they all? I got through it with some tears and some laughter. I am so greatful for all of you and for my wonderful family. I couldn't make it without the wonderful people in my life.

[ericasmom]

Vivian, can you tell us about that amazingly beautiful photo you posted...touches deeply.

[Maddy6]

Vivian,

Ditto what Dee said. Love the photo. Gives me ideas for painting/drawing!

Love,

Maddy

[hoosiermom]

Vivian--I love that picture, I have seen it on FB, thanks for posting it.

Indigos I am spitting mad right now and I just need to vent.....

My youngest daughter is on vacation with her dad/stepmom/brother and grandma. Her dad (my ex) is also Brianna's father. His involvement with the girls when Brianna was alive was minimal at best. After she passed, he dropped out of my youngest daughter's life almost completely. My daughter has been texting and calling me every day and it seemed like she was having a good time. That all changed this morning. She has been texting me that her dad/stepmom have been telling her that her hair looks bad and that she dresses like a slob, AND they have encouraged her little brother (their son) to join in!

My daughter will be 16 next week and it's true that she is not a high maintenance kind of girl....she is just not into hair and makeup, and I'm okay with that. If I think her hair looks messy, I will say to her "Let me braid your hair, or put it in a ponytail for you" I would never dream of belittling her! Teenagers have fragile self esteems the way it is!

Makes me so mad that he is not an active part of her life, his ONLY daughter now, and when he does involve her, he berates her and makes her feel like an outsider in their little family!

I'm in between wanting to cry for her and wanting to punch him in the face right now lol. You don't mess with my babies!!

Jenn

Brianna's momma

[vivkib]

The picture came from my son. A friend of his sent it to him yesterday on FB and he sent it to me. It brought us comfort on the 6 month anniversary of Kevin's passing. Some times a poem or pictrure just touches my heart and reminds me Kevin is never far away. I try to share them with others in the hope that it will offer comfort along this road we find ourselves on. I have from time to time felt Kevin's loving and comforting touch on my shoulder when I need it most. This picture just reminded me of those times.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Jenn, I'm so sorry to hear the way your daughters dad is talking to her. Teenagers have such a tough time even under the best of times, but to have such hurtful things come from a parent, well there is no excuse for it. Guess I'd opt to punch him. LOL Yeah, sorry. I guess that wasn't nice. I do understand wanting and needing to protect our children. I hope he comes to his sences before it's to late to mend his relationship with her. Hugs and prayers to all. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

[Amber37]

Just got my daughters death certificate. Just. Kill. Me.

[vivkib]

The worst piece of paper to have to see. Some thing a parent should never, ever need to see. I'm so sorry. I looked at my sons one time and have not been able to again. Hugs and prayers. Vivian- Kevin's Mom

[ericasmom]

Thanks Vivian for the information. Loved it.

Jenn, the father of your Girls is being a jerk, and it may be that he does not have anymore vacation time with her if he is going to let his bride and child join in on belittling her. Goodness.

Amber37, you know that no matter what, each time I see it, I palpatate and feel light headed. How can it be?

[Susie_q512]

Amber - I remember very well the first time I saw the death certificate, and unfortunately there were times I had to present the original or mail certified copies to various agencies. Sometimes this had to be done in person,and it was so hard not to scream aloud. To them it was just a piece of paper to be copied and placed within their files, but to me it was so much more. I've had a harder time whenever I've had to present her birth certificate. Those two documents rip my heart into a million fragments. Then reading the finalized police report, and waiting still for the coroner's report....dreaded documents that stagger me. I will be glad when the day comes that I can pack those things away.....not sure I will ever want to see them again. My heart to you, my friend.....I know it hurts.

Jenn - Such a shame that this unkindness is being shown toward your daughter. Makes me want to join you in punching him in the face. Maybe you could call him and explain to him how he is hurting her? There is a song I shared with Shannon when she was being hurt by family members. It's called "Beautiful" by Mercy Me. Another song that Shannon and I would sing to each other as loudly as we could is the song "Perfect" by Pink (The Clean Version). Maybe you could share them with your daughter, and tell her that in your eyes, she is both beautiful and perfect.....screw what anyone else thinks! I'm with you....no one messes with our babies!!!

[daveydow1]

Kevinsmom---Thanks for posting the lovely pic.

Becky-----Such a beautiful tribute pic of your dear son, Jared. Thanks.

Dee-----Love the poems you wrote......they say so much.

Susan-----So nice of Shannon's boyfriend to get the tattoo with verse to

honor sweet Shannon.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Thanks Sherry, glad that you liked those.

[darlenestark]

Sun is rising with the promise of another unseasonably warm, beautiful day. I've been nightwalking lately - marveling at the crescent moon, like a big shining smile among our angelstars, with Venus and Jupiter blazing in the western skies. It's given me pause to reflect on who I am now, now that my lifetime has been cut into two distinct parts - the "before Ali died" and the "after Ali died". Three months ago today, I was born again...

I'm surprised to find myself settling into acceptance - just a month ago I didn't think it would ever be possible to get to this point. I still cry, I still get angry, I still don't believe it sometimes - I hate it, but I accept it. And each of these past 91 days, every time I've faced the paralyzing pain of grief, or found myself mired in anger and denial, I remember to ask myself one simple question - "What would Ali want me to do?" It's as if his spirit is within me, guiding me, encouraging me, and making me smile, and even laugh, more and more each day. I try to live my life the way Ali lived his - with a joyful spirit and a kind heart and lots of laughter. That is what he wants me to do - he wants me to be happy...

[Maddy6]

So I am excited about the thought of this this morning and wanted to tell you guys. I have a friend who sculptures beautiful statues of people. She posts pics of them on FB. I am very lucky because I have many many artist friends and when I view my newsfeed on FB, I usually get to see various beautiful artwork on a regular basis. Anyway, since I have changed my major at school, I am going to have to take a sculpture class. I started thinking how I could make a statue of some sort as a tribute to Rachael to place in our back yard in the garden we are going to make. I am enjoying thinking of the possibilities. Perhaps some sort of angel. Or perhaps a statue of Rachael with angel wings. I do not know all the partculars of what I will learn in the class, but I know I will like doing the type of sculpture my friend does. Anyway, I am excited about the possibilities in doing something and placing it in a memory garden in our yard. So I just wanted to share that, as I see how it helps me to do something to honor her.

[westleysmom]

Amber-I had a copy of Westley's death certificate in my car that I had put in an envelope with his bank statement. I had to have it to close his bank account. I left the account open for over a year, because I knew once I closed it, that there would probably never be any more mail coming to the house with his name on it. I know that sounds crazy, but that's what I did. There has been from time to time something come in the mail for him, car insurance or health insurance ad type things. About 6 months after he died, he got a jury summons, which I had to contact them and let them know why he wouldn't be answering. That was very bad. But I had taken the bank statement and death certificate out of the car yesterday afternoon, it was in the visor and this time of year, I use the visor sometimes in the mornings and evenings, so I took it out. I took it in the house and opened his bedroom door (which he always kept closed and I still do) and put it in the pile of mail that has accumulated since he died. Then I shut the door and collapsed in tears. It still does that to me, no matter how many times I see it, it takes the breath out of my lungs and the light out of the day. I'm so sorry for your pain and I understand it too well.

Sherry-Good to see you, hope you are well.

Maddy-That sounds beautiful, good luck with the sculpture and the garden.

Jenn-It is hard for me to fathom how a parent can treat their child so. Is the grandma HER grandma? Maybe you can talk to her if you can't talk to the ex about how their words are affecting your daughter.

Dee-I hope the spring break is giving you your much needed rest and relaxation.

Hope everybody is having as good a day as you can.

[Amber37]

I know you've all gone through the death certificate hell. Sorry to bring it up for you all to re-live. But I know if anyone understands, you all do. So thanks for the stories and kind words. I appreciate it!

[ericasmom]

I had to order about 8 death certificates when Erz died, in order to close out bank accounts and CD's and in order to close out and not pay on her cell phone bills, various places that needed proof. PROOF, look at the shards of my heart that lay at my feet, there is your proof.

Nothing uglier than that sheet of paper that documents the leaving of this place by one so alive in our hearts.

[mikesmomrs]

Hello everyone...boy, have I missed talking to you all. My computer finally came back! Boy, I do not like it when it goes down, not only for the reason of not having it (at least now that I have my tablet, I can at least read), but for the reason that when you get it back, so much is different and it is SO irritating trying to get it back the way you want it. Sometimes mandatory updates, etc., can change things, and sometimes things just change, seemingly on their own. Could NOT get my printer to work, and had to download a new driver or some crazy thing like that. I never know what I am talking about...I just follow the directions.

Anyway, there have been so many posts since I last posted...I am just going to say hello to all, and add that you all have been in my prayers daily (thank heavens we don't need a PC for that!), as always,

Death certificates...oh, my, don't EVEN want to go there. Amber, I am so very sorry. My heart to you. I don't even remember how we got it...I just remember standing there with it in my hand, thinking I could never allow my eyes to scan the page. We needed it for various things, and I had to handle one of them the very next day. (the funeral director (I think it was him) arranged for a number of originals because he said we would need them, and we did) Vile, vile piece of paper. I am so sorry that anyone of us ever had to see the death certificate of one of our children. So very, very sorry.

Dee: I too hope that you are enjoying your week off. I love, love, the poems you posted. I printed them out and read them to hubby.

Greg: thanks for the videos...I haven't watched them yet, but will tonight. Thanks for always thinking of us.

Maddy: So good for you, planning a statue for Racheal for her memory garden...I know it will be whatever you want it to be. We have a small garden at the end of the house for Mike. It has a cross made of birch branches from a flower arrangement from Mike's boys at his services. It has been in our yard every since. We put things on it throughout the year. Heart a valentine's, (though didn't do it this year, hubby was in hospital), wreath at Christmas, etc. I think I am going to make a calendar and let the boys write in what they want to do and when. They do like being with us whenever we do something at Mike's memorial and they do like the garden at the house.

Rhonda: I totally understand not closing Westley's bank account; I think that we all totally understand. Crazy? No, not at all. And I totally understand collapsing into tears after putting it in his room. I wish I could have been there, to let you cry on my shoulder, or to just let you know that you were not alone in your tears. I still have Mike's cell phone number on my phone. A couple of years ago, Sarah (his wife) told me that she still had his name on her checking account. I know that she still wears his rock concert t-shirts to bed. She wanted to leave them here, in the closet, and every now and then, asks me for one. I asked his boys a few weeks ago, (the older ones) if they still remembered their dad very well, as in their life with him instead of just what we talk about. I got a look that said "are you kidding?" before they answered that yes, of course they do. They are now 14 and 15; they were 8 and 9 when Mike died.

Jenn: Your daughter's father...ugh! So mean of him. My heart to you and your sweet daughter.

Darlene: the "before" and "after" sections of our lives...forever from now on...before, and after. But, we do take some very special memories into the "after" with us, and that is what keeps us going.

Susan: Love the tattoo that Shannon's friend got...so special and so sweet of him to honor her so.

Trudi: I do hope you enjoyed your time at the ocean...I suspect that since it is Friday night there now, you are home again? Love the pics. Saw many hearts in those clouds and the angel wings one was awesom

Kevinsmom: Thank you for the picture; it is beautiful.

Hubby is supposed to start a PT program at the gym next week, after the hospital PT does their evaluation for what they will do for him. (He has been doing PT at home, with the therapist coming to the house.) I told Mike's middle boy, Kameron (the one who is the most like his dad) and he texted back "BWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....I just can't imagine Grandpa in a gym! So like something his dad would have said. It is likely as far from their imagination as seeing their grandpa in a triathalon! Kam was sweet though, when he sent back a text (after I signed off with "see you this weekend") and said "Wait, how ARE you guys, anyway? How are you both doing?"

The gym is going to let me accompany hubby in his program...I have been dubbed his "emotional support puppy" so I will be with him to cheer him on and make sure he doesn't con them with his humor and cute smile into going easy on him We are in a "conditioning program" here, and he needs to keep on working. As his surgeon said "Tell him to get out there on the track and go for it! He needs to be in tip-top shape for that surgery!" So, we will work at it, with monitoring, of course, to make sure his heart and blood pressure stay stable.

I can't remember if I've told you all or not, but hubby's surgery has been scheduled...for May 2nd. We are nervous, but understand the necessity, though wish so very much that it weren't so. When we found out the date, Cathi and I both said to him, "well, you're lucky; you don't have to worry about my not being there...it is for after opening day (baseball) (apr 13th), and after the 100th birthday game on Apr 20th!" Seriously, though, I sometimes feel as though I am holding my breath. This last deal about the nodule on his liver was really, really scary (gosh, I hope I told you guys about that...I honestly can't remember....I will look back at my last post or two, if not, I will come back and explain). A few days of interminable breathholding for all of us, til we found out that it is benign. We thank God that it is benign---had it been, there would have been no surgery for the pancreatic cancer. It is a difficult journey that we try to take one day at a time instead of "crossing the bridge twice" by worrying about it all the time.

Got to go and fix supper. Take care all, sending love and strength to all!

[dhathc00]

Hello, I am new to posting on a forum, I have spent about an hour trying to figure out how to initiate an introduction of myself. I am only going to explain what I am having trouble with and hope someone can help. I want to tell everyone about how my son died and the devastation it has brought to me, but it just seems like it would be useless. I have a problem facing me today that I would like to ask advice with though. First we live in a small town of about 2000 people, and we have been here through all my kids lives. We lost Daniel 11-2-11, he was 18. My daughter is fifteen, She has been doing pretty well, she has had to come home a few times because the kids at school would talk about her brother and it would upset her. (this occured recently when the driver of the car that he was killed in had another court appearance). There is controversy over the handling of the case against the woman who was the driver, It gets discussed within my daughters hearing and of course upsets her. We have found ways to help her deal with the kids in school. But today I found out that because of Daniel and his best friend Daltons deaths the fire dept here is going to do a "every 15 minutes program" here at the school April 10th,, If you are not aware, this is a program that very graphically demonstrates the devastating effects of drunk driving on the lives of all who may be involved in a drunk driving wreck. There is a website -- "every 15 minutes" google that and it should give a link, sorry like i said i am new to this. I am debating weather to have my daughter attend school that day. It has been about 5 months since we loss Daniel,,, I am in conflict because I kinda want her to see ALL of what can happen with a simple choice to drink and drive to all who are invovled. But torn with the fact of what we are going through and how raw it is. I want her to see how everyone can be effected but am afraid it may be to much for her. Daniels wreck involved him and is friend as passengers in a truck crashing into a tree and the truck catching on fire both boys were burned badly, I can only hope they were unconscious. sorry to be so blunt but i dont know how else to desrcibe what the factors involved are. I can see how others here may have a better perspective on what I should consider. I am between it being totally inappropriate to have her go and scared she might not get a piece of information that might save her life someday. any comments would be appreciated.

[ericasmom]

Hi Daniel's Dad, and sorry, so sorry that you lost your beautiful Boy. My girl, Erica was 19 when she died. Her car was hit by an Amtrak at a broken grade crossing in Michigan.We live in Chicago. This was in 2003, so I have a view from a different perspective than you, your loss so new.

I think that I would involve your Daughter in this decision. Part of what is so damn hard for the siblings is that all the control is gone from their lives, (for us too) but to give her some choice in this might be a good thing. I would also be in touch with the school counselor or social worker to see if they can weigh in or give suggestion but essentially, I would let her decide. I would also tell her that her Brother has inspired the town to take this action, but that her Brother would honor any decision she had to attend or not. She should have her cell on hand to contact you or another adult to come home if it gets too heavy. Is she going to therapy at all? I know it is not easy to get that age kiddo in therapy, but it may be the best for you all, or some sort of group grief group.

I am glad that you found us, we were previously called, " Beyond Indigo" but our new name is much more generic sounding. If you see us calling each other Indigos, you will know why.

When you are ready to tell us more about Daniel and your family, please do, as we find that the best way to travel this road is to share both the Beauty and the Heartache of these Children we lost. We do not get afraid from the graphic aspects of each others losses, those not in this situation often do, not us. We get it.

Go easy on yourselves as far as allowing your grief, and remember the simple things like drinking plenty of water to replace the tears and take a vitamin to keep your immune systems healthy. There are many phases of grief, there are people here that can help you see that you are not alone in any of them even when you are feeling quite alone.

Be well.

Carol, what a nice thing to see your post tonight. I have missed your smiling ways. Yes, you told us many of those facts however I was unaware of the surgery date. Good for Mike that it is between your baseball dates...Love you Girl.