Loss of an Adult Child

[Susie_q512]

Today has been a rough day. Maybe because I buried my daughter 4 weeks ago today, but I also have bronchitis, so maybe that's making me feel worse. Many emotions today: sadness, pain, questioning, disbelief, anger, longing...still very few tears. Seems strange, but I just wait for them to come. Sure they'll find me at some point. My doctor says that it's medically obvious to him that I am in shock, and it is a very big problem. He spoke with my husband about his concern for me and my mental state. He is so concerned that he himself got in touch with a counselling group to schedule an appointment for me to see someone immediately. I have an appointment for Wednesday. Maybe I should be worried about myself, but I just don't care...maybe shock isn't such a bad thing. He mentioned to Jeff that he is concerned I might hurt myself, although I never mentioned anything like that to him...I am not thinking of hurting myself...it's not an option because it would leave my daughter, Ragan, alone in this world. I believe that Shannon's spirit is okay, but I'm not okay with this....doubt I ever will be. Wish I had something good to say to those who are hurting tonight. You are all in my heart and thoughts. I do hope you each find some measure of peace and comfort tonight.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[aim630]

Leah-I hope you find out where your grandson is soon and I pray he is safe and sound. You are a great mother, grandmother, daughter and wife. I truly wish I could ease some of your burden somehow.

Kate, Vinolli, MIkal- I am sorry you have a reason to be here, but you have found a great place with great people.

Kate-I'm sorry your family is treating you horribly right now, but I think you were right to step away from them. None of them understand (and they are lucky they don't) what this is really like. Please continue to share with us, I hope it eases your grief a little bit.

Rhonda-Thanks for asking about Katie, she is doing well. she joined a Christian group, and is on a retreat this weekend with them. Ashley was not cut out for college either. Although s he was enrolled an entire year, she was on academic probation, and did not attend classes. I regret fighting so much with her about that. I completely understand the guilt, but all of us here would gladly trade places with our child, so that they could get a chance to have a long life.

Got my free flu shot today at work. Didn't like the others in my dept saying they would not get a shot because it would make them sick. They all know my daughter died from complications of the flu, and if she would have been able to get the shot, she would probably still be here. I did not speak up though, although I should have. It is their choice, but don't start laughing about it in front of me.

Saw all 5 grandkids, and all 3 step kids tonight. Great to see them, I love them all but wish Ashley could be there.

Susan-Christmas is so difficult. Last year (first without Ashley) we had to keep traditions because of my then 17 yr old, plus the grandkids. We probable spent more on Katie, mainly trying to make up for the loss of her sister, although she would trade every possession she had to have Ashley back. We also spent more than usual on charity. We have a giving tree at our mall, and we picked out several kids, including a newborn named Ashley. I hoped it made a few kids Christmas more enjoyable. In fact Katie said she would rather have nothing, and wanted me to spend more on the kids. I know the holidays will be very difficult for you, Rae and your husband. You just need to do whatever feels right for you.

Goodnight all,

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Jeff's Mom]

Today has been a rough day. Maybe because I buried my daughter 4 weeks ago today, but I also have bronchitis, so maybe that's making me feel worse. Many emotions today: sadness, pain, questioning, disbelief, anger, longing...still very few tears. Seems strange, but I just wait for them to come. Sure they'll find me at some point. My doctor says that it's medically obvious to him that I am in shock, and it is a very big problem. He spoke with my husband about his concern for me and my mental state. He is so concerned that he himself got in touch with a counselling group to schedule an appointment for me to see someone immediately. I have an appointment for Wednesday. Maybe I should be worried about myself, but I just don't care...maybe shock isn't such a bad thing. He mentioned to Jeff that he is concerned I might hurt myself, although I never mentioned anything like that to him...I am not thinking of hurting myself...it's not an option because it would leave my daughter, Ragan, alone in this world. I believe that Shannon's spirit is okay, but I'm not okay with this....doubt I ever will be. Wish I had something good to say to those who are hurting tonight. You are all in my heart and thoughts. I do hope you each find some measure of peace and comfort tonight.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

Susan, I wish there was some way that I could help to ease your pain today. I know you are hurting deeply. You are still in shock from your experience. I am so sorry for your loss. I too have felt your pain. But please believe me that you are now in shock. You must take care of yourself...even if it is for your other daughter and husband. They need you too! People here do care and can relate to your hurt. Please feel free to come here to talk about whatever you feel will help. You must also take care of your own health. When you feel overwhelmed try to take one day at a time and just allow yourself to try to heal. One step at a time. If it would help to tell us about her and what happened. We are all in this together. Stay strong. HUGS

Kate

[jeana]

I am so thankful I found this site. I know after I lost my husband it helped to talk to women who had lost theirs also. But I don't really know anyone who has lost a child that I could talk too. So this site has helped with that. I do have a old co worker who lost a son about ten years ago.I actually had helped coordinate the search for his son when he lost him. The son had died from hypothermia on a hiking trip in the spring when a snow storm hit. He owns a pawn shop and my son had pawned some of his guns. I went to go pick them up and ended up talking to him for over a hour. Some of my family met with a woman who had lost her son to suicide ten years ago. She runs a program now called REPS, (reaching everyone preventing suicide). We spent over 3 hours with her. It was a emotionally draining time, but I think it helped us a lot. I know my brothers are so worried about me doing the same. She said that the risk is so much higher for me since I have lost both my husband and my son to it. Plus the loss of my grand daughter hasn't helped. She was going to be our new beginning, something to look forward to that would bring us all happiness. I have decided that I have 3 choices on how to deal with all this. 1. I could choose to join them by doing the same thing. 2. I could grow to be a bitter, old woman that no one could stand to be around. Or 3, I can choose to go on, find happiness in other things. I have 2 other boys, 3 grand children, my parents, my nieces and nephews and tons of friends. I have reason to go on and be happy. I know right now, happiness seems so far away, how can one be happy when your heart has been shattered. So my choice is number 3

.

Again I am thankful I found all of you here, I am sorry we all have the same thing in common that brought us all here. But maybe, we can help each other.

[ericasmom]

Polly, I love that you know that Chad was a brave young man. It must make him smile to hear you say so, and yes, I do believe that our Babies can tune into our words especially when we direct our thoughts to them. He really dealt with a great deal and through it all that amazing smile and sense of calm.

Kate, nothing right about others demeaning what your grief is and how it affects you. I don't hang out with those that have done similar things, family or not. There is a line, and if it is crossed I will remember. I may not remember much else, but I will remember those who have reached a hand out adn those whose sharp tongues cause me to walk the other way.

So very sleepy, will write tomorrow, until then,, sleep well Everyone.

[Guest msnher]

Leah, your two yr old grandson and whole family is in my prayers!

Nite all...will post more tomorrow.

[Susie_q512]

It's a little after 3am here in Georgia, and as usual, I'm awake. I did get some pictures of Shannon uploaded just a while ago. Only a few, but at least you can see the girl I cry for, long for, miss so very much. One of them is of a tattoo that she had saved on my laptop. She loved it and wanted to save the image so that she could get it when she was of legal age. I will add more once I get better at this....technology is so challenging for me. Really missing her right now, cause she would be laughing at my inaptness and helping me out. It stinks having only pictures to look at. She and Rae made a video about 11 days before her death. They lip-sang to Kelly Clarkson's "My Life Would Suck Without You."....how ironic. Wish I could figure out how to upload it from facebook.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

Tried to upload a pic of her for my profile pic, but it didn't work

[ericasmom]

Ohhhhh Leah, my heart aches with your worries and I am so sorry that things have unfolded like this. One wonders why why why but remember a discussion we had many years ago now, HOW. HOW do we do what is right, HOW will we find the sunlight tomorrow, HOW will we teach goodness to the little ones when so much ugly has happened? HOld on and we will send so much energy your way. Prayers.

Susan, photos and videos and music and remnants. We live with the remnants of abbreviated lives. We hold onto the tnagible items and wonder how in the world these pieces will be enough to sustain us. Somehow we live where they do not and we learn, very slowly, to live the life they would want for us even without them physically here.

I think you have a healthy outlook on Shannon's spirit and I think therapy is good for many though not everyone responds in kind. I do believe you are in shock because we all were at that same stage but ...I am not worried about your hurting yourself, nor am I afraid that you are delusional. I feel that you are intact( well as intact as one can be in this sadness) and realistic. The tears are not always an indication of processing pain. Prayers and hope for you too.

[dwsmithrn]

leah.....i am so sorry for your problems with your daughter and so hope someone finds your grandson very soon. i know your heart aches....i am thinking of you this day and everyday, until the day you can feel more relaxed that your family is safe again. there are no words, we all know this, that will make your heart stop hurting for little jaboa.....missing this one will go on forever. i just wish you didn't have so many other worries. thinking of you.....

susan....grief, shock, grief.....it can do some crazy things to us....we hurt, our hearts ache, our bodies hurt, our heads hurt, heck, everything within us hurts, so just understand, that just becuase you haven't found your tears, does not mean that you are not grieving your child. everyone grieves differently and we all know you are missing your child. just breathe and try to take care of yourself...as the layers of shock wear off, your tears will come, and then they won't stop and you will wonder why they won't stop....i have asked my hubby so many times, HOW can there be so many tears in one person? thinking of you....and holding you close.

today i have to get some CEU's for my nursing license and then renew my license, otherwise, i will never get to practice again....it is due the end of this month....did i wait long enough or what? i am stressing right now......i don't feel like it, nor do i really care, but i must....

hope you all can find a tiny bit of peace and maybe a tiny smile somewhere in this quagmire of grief....missing my nate terribly.....diane

[Jeff's Mom]

Good Morning All! Well, I woke up to the first day of total bliss. No harassing calls! Yes! Today I am off to the city to enjoy a day of scouting around for a few things. Have decided not to let thoughts of family get in the way of my enjoyment.

Andy...I posted last night but darned if I can remember where? Typical me. Thinking of you this morning and your father. Let me know how you are doing this weekend if you can.

Susan...hope you will let us know how your appointment with the doc goes on Wednesday. Hang in there!

And everybody else...HUGS! And I am so not a hug type person. But today I feel as if the weight of the world has been lifted pushing those abusers aside. Have a great weekend.

Kate

[Guest msnher]

I'm not too coherent yet this morning, still on my first cup of coffee.

The reba concert was fantastic. I wasn't too impressed with "The Band Perry" but they sure did get the younger folks riled up..in a good way. The kiddos had a great time. None of us could hear after the concert..hahaha, but it was fun. I began to feel a bit blue during the concert as The Band Perry sang "If I die young". Tears began to form and I forced myself to knock it off. I watched Stephanie's children so safe, so happy and focused on them instead. The guilt tried to creep in about Stephanie but I demanded it stop and did a lot of self talk.

We came home from the concert and ate cold chicken and zingers.

Diane, I am still riding high over your dream with Chad and Nathan. Too cool.

[Guest msnher]

True story that has nothing to do with our children but everything to do with signs from the other side. What the sign means I have no idea.

Last night we went to the Reba concert. You all know that.

We have a huge bedroom set that we bought from Oak expressions. The "headboard" is a huge mirror with a shelf. On the shelf sits a picture of Gary and I that was taken at a friend's wedding. Terri and I were best of friends at one time. We were both drunks taking turns staying sober and getting drunk again. I've been sober for 9 yrs. A few months after Stephanie died she was found dead on her bedroom floor from alcohol poisoning. She died alone. That's the history.

So, last night we come home from the concert and I pull the covers down on both sides of the bed while Gary is in the bathroom, like I do every night. The picture I'm speaking of was sitting in it's place except the back of the frame and the picture, both still upright, were away from the glass and main frame. I thought how odd that was and put the picture back together and asked Gary if he did it or moved it or something. He hadn't. But, he commented that he was wearing the same shirt that he had on in that picture. This morning when we were discussing it again, I took the frame apart to show him that it would have to be manually unlocked to separate and I showed him how it was sitting on the headboard shelf. Then, I read to him what Terri had written on the back of the picture and we both gasped. It said, "Gary and Susannah 10-21-05. Exactly 6 yrs ago from yesterday.

Now, we know it was a sign from Terri. I just have no idea what the sign is or what it means or what I'm supposed to do about it.

[bus1851]

Hello,

Its been awhile since my last post. Days are getting easier, not as many breakdowns, tolerating the pain better but the loneliness never dulls. I miss my baby more now than ever. All I do is daydream of how my life was supposed to turn out, then reality reminds me that life is gone forever. Daddy loves you Marley, I miss you so much.

CJ

thanks to everyone for birthday wishes.

[ericasmom]

Susannah, I think your friend, Terri, was saying LOOK AT YOU TWO< this many years later, I remember your being there 6 years ago, and I am here cheering you on. Love it.

Diane I too love your dream, too busy the last few days to go through everyone's post, so many and with school conferences and preparing for today's presentation at Concordia College, I have been exhausted. But I am finished with those now and today's presentation on writing with Elementary Students went very well. I am happy with the responses and with the experience. The people attending the presentations will receive a similar unit of gain in their Education recertifications, we call them cpdu credits. But Diane, I am so glad that your dream let you know that Nathan and Chad are together and that they are safe and letting you know that they are connected as we are here with one another. I love it.

Col, ;so glad that you wrote to the fools that don't think when they project images such as the one you protested. I cheer you on, wish that there was more thought going into these things. Keep at it, you know your Boy is saying, " go Mom, go."

It is gorgeous out, I stopped at the FArmers Market after I presented and bought some lovely little brussle sprouts and some fresh cranberries...the makings of a meal.

My Dear Boy Jon and his fiance' will be married 2 weeks from today.

[daveydow1]

Kathy----Good to see your post, friend.

Leah-----I'm so sorry for your pain with all your troubles. Sometimes things

can get to be overwhelming....for sure. I am praying that your little 2-yr. old

grandson is found safe & sound. I think that you are doing the right thing

in setting up your rules for dealing with your daughter's addiction/activities.

You must protect yourself and your home because it is your sanctuary in this

storm of life. Missing little JaBoa will be with you always, because you just

loved her so much. Come back to BI, Leah, we're all here for you. Peace to you.

Kate-----Your mother-in-law was a brave & strong person, and if she was

coherent , she may have been trying to spare everyone the pain of her

inevitable death. I used to work as a nurse in hospitals, and nursing homes,

and have experienced a lot of different scenarios of patient's last moments

on this earth, and also was with my dear father when he passed away at home

from cancer 17 yrs. ago. I guess there may be any one of many many things

people might say. But, when they pass, there always seems to be a look of

peace on their faces. I always prayed that this was so.

Susan-----So sorry that your pain is all-consuming at this 4-wk. point in the loss

of your sweet Shannon. You are right, in thinking that shock may be a good thing,

and it does help protect us from some of the harsh reality of the worst thing that

can ever happen to a parent.......losing a beloved child. Please take care of yourself

and your bronchitis. I pray that you get rid of the bronchitis soon. It can be rough,..

for sure. When a person is in deep grief, their immune system may be compromised,

and illness can set in. You said that you think Shannon's spirit is ok, but you are not

ok with it. This is way too soon to think of being 'ok' with it. It has been said many

times here.......try to take it from day-to-day, and even moment-to-moment. Keep

coming back here to BI. We all understand, and wish strength and peace for you.

Sus----the REBA concert must have been great, and the kids loved it so much. It must

have just warmed your heart to see them so happy and enjoying themselves so much.

The thing with the pic of you & Gary, and the frame being disturbed a bit, .....and the date......must have been a sign from your dear friend, Terri , from the other side.

Dee----It's nice here today......they combined the soybeans today......corn is still standing.

It can be done at a later date. Your trip to the Farm Market sounds so nice, and the

sprouts and cranberries will no doubt end up in something delicious. My daughter Becky

had told me last wk. that she had had a dream with Davey in it, but could not recall what it

was about.....try as she did to remember. Then last night, she called to say that something

had triggered her memory of the dream, and that she is taking a computer class in college,

and that in her dream....Dave was helping her with the computer. He was a computer tech,

and was studying web design. She said that he was fine in her dream......looking like he

always did, and not sad or anything. I told my husband about Becky's dream, and we all

felt that it was a good sign from Davey.

CJ------Good to see your post. My heart goes out to you. I know that you will always

miss your sweet Marley. Though they leave this world......our love for our children

never stops, and we'll always miss them. Peace & comfort to you, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's, Leah, you have been on my mind a lot lately. I thought maybe I was thinking about you because a relative of mine needs a dentist and can't find one w/o insurance and that got me thinking about your problem . Now, I wish it was just a matter of finding a dentist for you. Please let us know all is well.

Susannah, Its good to hear that you all had a great time at the concert. What is a zinger? 10-21-5-6, sounds like a good lotto number. Or, someone just saying hello.

Dee, hope you get some r&r this weekend. A very busy year at school it seems.

Lynn, I am sorry to hear of your mother's death at a time the two of you were just getting to know each other again. Wish I had some encouragement on the conflicting emotions you felt during her life and now, her death.

Carol, your message from Ralph’s cell phone cracked me up ! I really did try to make sense of it.Got stuck when I read “wenches”. Could not figure out why you needed one!!

Sherry, lots of excitement in your state this past week. So sorry to read of the animals that died but also as Jack Hannon(sp) shared, the best choice given the circumstances. Of course, not for the man that ended his life and his family.

Diane, I'm sorry. I realize how difficult it was to type the words and share the sorrow of Nathans manner of death.

The last couple of days have been dark. The sun has been shining and the clouds roll across a very blue sky but I feel the presence of the darkness that fills my mind from time to time. I decided to take the day off and not stress over dad issues. I decided to give myself some time today. I drove to the river again. This time near a spot that Rich,Sarah and I enjoyed. The exact spot is inaccessible due to a bridge being out so I drove a little further north, drank my coffee and watched the river flow. I took a walk along the river and canal, a mile or two. Walked past a school that Rich attended , remembered that we were happy and after a while, the cloud lifted from my mind. I cried some but kept in mind that when I feel such deep sorrow, Rich is near. One winter walk along the ice flow , I savor. Sarah was at the age when she didn't want to come along often, that day she did. The ice chunks along the shore. The cold upon our faces. The wonder of it all.

Of course I took a couple pics. During Hurricane Irene, a bank washed out and the canal emptied into the river. I have never witnessed a almost dry canal before. The path once was used for mules to pull barges, now a great walking/biking path. The air was crisp. My boy was with me and a few ducks looking for food. Sorry ducks, I have no crumbs for you today.

Also one photo from last week that I entitled Day is Done. My little cousins Grace Marie and Aviana.

http://ehaldeman.smugmug.com/Groups/BI/18676819_MPZGNh

Mika18, Polly,Pam,Colleen, Greg, Vinolli,Susan,Josie, Rhonda,Lorri,Karen,Cynthiag...Indigos,always in my thoughts.

[Chads Mom]

Diane: Wow I read your post and the hair on my arms stood on end and while I was reading it Chad’s name plate on his wall fell to the floor…… ????…..

Maybe he is helping me by telling me it’s time to get this room in order. I have been avoiding doing that it’s just to hard right now.

I feel Chad all the time and I was so excited to know he and Nathan are okay. I read in one your posts that Nathan was an O.T. Chad spent many years doing therapy makes sense he has meet with Nathan maybe your son was there with Chad when he took his first steps with his little bird legs in heaven. I wonder all the time what Chad would be like whole, no wheelchair and arms & legs that work perfectly. Hopefully he is running around, jumping, and getting his ice cream fix in heaven. (thank you for sharing this with me it means a great deal and gave me a warm feeling before bed last night)

Diane good luck with your CEU may it go as smooth as silk. My youngest son works at a hospital in the lab and he always waits until the month before he’s going to expire. I always nag why on earth he waits so long to complete his CEU and he tells me “I deal with everything better under pressure” You gotta love the young.

Leah: Sending good thoughts and prayers your way…..

Betsy: What a heavenly picture…..

Love to all Indigo‘s……..

Polly--Chad’s Mom

[ericasmom]

Wow Polly, his nameplate came away from the wall while you were reading Diane's poem? Now that is so wonderful, your two Angels are quite good at letting you know that they are perfectly fine and you need not worry about them. Messages are gold to us, the treasures from the other side.

Betsy, the photos are lovely, so pretty. My inclination too is to be near a river and surrounded by forest for a peaceful moment. Thanks for sharing.

[mikesmomrs]

Wow! We upgraded to a "three star" hotel tonight and wow is it ever tons better than the one we stayed in on the way to Virginia! It has a computer room, Spa, and a really, really nice room, that I don't even feel the need to check the sheets to see if they are fresh or not (though, paranoid me, I will!). We had a really good day today, the drive was hectic at first (WHERE do all these trucks come from and WHERE are they going?). The traffic dropped off about half-way here, and the rest of the drive was really good.

I am so sorry for those who are new hre recently...so sorry that you have a reason to find us, but so very glad that you have done so. My heart goes out to you all, my prayers as well. You have found a place with a permanent "WELCOME" sign out, and on the other side it says 'WE GET IT."

Betsy: I chuckled when you said you couldn't get the "whassup"...it was supposed to be Wendy's, but the spell check changed it..whyever they changed "Ralph's" to "talons" is an everlasting mystery! I loved your pictures, and your walk sounds as though it did the job...brought you good memories that helped bring some light in to your heart. Way to go, Rich!

Polly: Such good news for you and Diane...your Chad has certainly met Nathan and they are hel;ping each other.

Well, Ralph just called down and said our dinner is here (too tired to go out) so I will have to leave. Will ikely not be back tonight, am going to try to take advantage of that hydrotherapy spa after dinner.

I wanted to say something to other (Oh, Leah, my heart breaks for you!), (Susannah: the shirt and picture story!) but I knwo he won't start dinner without me and i don't want to be responsible for his dinner being cold!

take care, my indigo family...I think of you often during the day, even on this journey.

love to all

[rlolheiser]

I want to thank you all for your caring, it means more to me than words can describe. The best I know is that the Child Protective Services has my grandson, nobody is telling us anything, nobody tried to place him with family, unless he was placed with the drug addicted grandparents.. the boyfriends paren'ts (the jerk is still in the Pen)

I hate not knowing, I hate foster homes after the trouble I had with my other grandchildren. I feel so helpless.

I told my oldest daughter that I didn't want to hear from JaBoa's mom, I feel used, and she told me she understands, she agrees with me that I was used a lot. I have a nagging feeling my oldest daughter knew more than she wants to tell me.

I just don't understand this world, I have been available to JaBoa's mom, I hadn't judged her, told her I understood her desire for drugs, and begged her to get help if it ever consumed her. Always told her that if she needed me, I would help. So I know I need to be tough now.. I just hope I can stay tough

Again.. thank you all so much for caring.. I couldn't make it without you

[Guest msnher]

Betsy, a zinger is like a twinkie. Yummy.

[ericasmom]

Josie, I am reading piecemeal and just read what you wrote so I just want to say taht in all of that loss, that you can see the choices before you is Key. Choice #3 is the one I was hoping you'd say, but I can hear that in your words. There are others who you love and love to be around, it does not take the shattered parts away, but it goes a long way to letting you see that you have a purpose here, just as those here do. It is so much to take in though and I wish I could just give you a hug for all that you have traveled through. I know the choice of becoming a bitter old woman that nobody wants to be around is one that I worry about becoming. I don't think really that I will, but I am less tolerant these days of harshness and I always used to be so able to hold my tongue but apparently, those days are over.

We do help each other here Josie, and it wonderful to see that even in your early visits here, that you can see the way you become part of this network of parents. One reaches out adn many respond and it goes along like this because we all really get what each other is going through.

Peace to You and to All tonight and each.

[Guest msnher]

Jasmine's kitten died. It had a hurt foot and I gave it children's motrin. It killed the cat. I killed the cat. I didn't know.

I woke to Jasmine crying this morning. She and Mariah were holding the kitten...the kitten was having seizures. I wrapped it in it's blanket and held it. It looked up at me and meowed very softly and died. We will have a funeral for it later this morning and bury it in my flower garden.

I'm not telling the kids that I killed the cat.

[ericasmom]

Prayers for Jasmine and her loss, and Kitty..go play with all the other pets we love.

Sus, it happens.

[Guest msnher]

We buried Claws. We stood around him and each one said something and threw a handfull of dirt on his little box and then Jasmine said, "Can we go rake leaves now?"

[Susie_q512]

Sus - I am soooo sorry that this happened.I'm sure your girl has the kitten now and is taking good care of her. (For what it's worth to everyone on BI, I work at a veterinary hospital. I'll be more than happy to answer any questions anyone has about animals should the need ever arise.) Anyway, I'm also a huge animal welfare advocate, so when you guys are ready for a new addition, maybe you can go to a local shelter or rescue group and adopt another kitten? Things like this happen all the time. People don't mean to cause harm, they just don't know the differences in anatomy between humans and animals. It was an honest mistake and your heart was in the right place. Don't beat yourself up over it.

I knocked myself out with meds last night so that I could sleep. Slept about 7 hours...that's a record for me. Hoping motivation kicks in today....the house, laundry, plants and animals really need my attention, but I just haven't had the energy or "want-to" to get anything much accomplished. My goal date for having the pic for the monument and insurance claim forms finished is looming before me....tomorrow...and I still haven't done it.So, much needs to be accomplished today. I hate that my daughter's grave doesn't have a marker yet, but it's so hard to pick the picture for the etching....seems so final...a little "too real"....so I've been avoiding it, I guess. Same with the claim forms.

My niece and I were chatting on facebook in the wee hours last night. She is about 4 years younger than me, and we are extremely close. Anyway, she was responding to something I typed about Shannon and was having a hard time choosing the right words for me. Her response was very sweet and tenderhearted. Toward the end of her typing, she asked Shannon to give her the words that would comfort me. Her last sentence was, "But the love that you two share is much stronger than the veil that separates you now." She then added in parenthesis that those were not her words, they came from Shannon, she was just the one typing the message. It gave me great hope that "communication and relationship" can continue, and that it is wanted, not just by me, but by Shannon as well.

Thinking of everyone today as always. Wishing you peace, comfort and productivity.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[Guest msnher]

Thank you, Susan.

[Susie_q512]

It's a beautiful day here in Northwest Georgia...sun is shining, there's a gentle breeze that occasionally blows, the temperature is perfect. Instead of inside housework, with the exception of laundry, I am working outdoors. With 7 dogs and a cat, there's always work to be done. Swept and mopped the garage, cleaned kennels, washing their bedding, pulled all the plants received from folks outside for some sun and got them all watered. Don't know a thing about plants, but I am trying to keep them alive. Pulled out the dead stuff and trimmed back what I think should have been trimmed???...hoping I haven't caused too much damage. All the while talking to the plants and Shannon, trying to express how sorry I am for my lack of plant knowledge, and saying little prays that I won't kill them.Fixing to head out front to trim the mums that were planted and get them watered.... and hoping I do it right. Company will be here soon, hope they don't mind a dirty house.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[aim630]

Susannah-Sorry about Claws, and hugs to Jasmine.

Susan-I'm glad Shannon sent you a message. I understand about not being able to choose a picture to put on her marker because of the finality. After my husband picked up Ashley's ashes, I couldn't set them out for awhile, because it meant she was really gone. it sounds like you had a productive day. we have 3 dogs and 3 cats, and the mess never ends.

Very sad today. I think it's because we were raking leaves, and that is what we were doing the day Ashley was admitted to the hospital. Plus I came across the jacket she was wearing that day, and her lipgloss and Kleenex were still in the pocket.I wear it occasionally because it reminds me of her.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[ericasmom]

Amy, I use the eyeshadow brush that ERi left on her dresser, I don't wear much makeup, but I like to brush it across my lids each day, touch me with something that touched her. It is in those tangible things that we have found some deep connections and in it both deep sadness and deep joy.

Susan, 8 years ago we were not even asked if we would like to put a likeness of Eri on the stone...now so many stones around hers have an engraved likeness. I agree, the finality of choosing a stone, and of seeing it in the ground that marks that forever place...well there is nothing easy about it. Sending you strength.

Sus, how did the raking of leaves go?

Sherry and Betsy, the world news showed a pumpkin patch placed in New Jersey for the Boys and Girls Club and the pumpkins apparently, were donated by a farmer from Ohio that had had a bumper crop. I thought it was the nicest news of the day and made me think of the two of you due to your locale.

[summergirl]

Well, I wrote a nice long post and lost it....I really should know better.....too tired to repost so I will talk tomorrow. Love to all and know tha I am always thinking of you all and keep you close to my heart. Strength and Love, Kathy

For My Jessica.......I love you my girl.....

[Guest msnher]

Dee, the kids had a grand time. I didn't help this time. There will be ample opportunity in the near future, I'm sure. How is school going? Are you students calming down any?

Susan, I'm so glad you got a good night's rest and was able to spend some time outside. I am impressed. I looked through the pictures you posted of Shannon today. She is beautiful, indeed! As are you and your other daughter. You are another tiny mother. Karen and Diane are also very small women. I hope you are getting some kind of nourishment. I, ummmm, am over nouished!

I also revisited several other gallery albums of some familiar angels and some I haven't seen before. It was bittersweet.

[Guest msnher]

Kathy, love the photos!

[ericasmom]

Happy Birthday tomorrow Kathy. I hope that you feel all the love that Jess sends you and that waking to that wonderful Grandboy let's you see again and again that there is so much in this world for you to do and all of it makes your Girl smile and feel peaceful.

[Susie_q512]

Sus - the comment about raking leaves also brought up memories for me. Each fall my husband would blow all the leaves into a great big monster pile. My girls would run and jump into the leaves, usually with the dogs joining in. Haven't blown leaves this year...probably won't...just a bit to sad to have Rae trying to enjoy a tradition that she always shared with her sister.

Dee - I often wear Shannon's things. Clothing or a piece of jewelry. Makes me feel closer to her. Touching anything belonging or related to her brings sadness but also comfort. You always seem to have the right thing to say to me, for that I thank you.

Josie - option 3 is the best and healthiest choice. It honors your child's wishes for you, that you would take care of yourself, because of the great love our kids have for us.

Leah - I think of you often and send many prayers and positive thoughts your way. My hope is that the desires of your heart where your family is concerned with be fulfilled.

Carol - I think you're the one traveling....hoping it goes well and you can find enjoyment and refreshment.

Polly - glad the dream of Chad and Nathan brought you comfort. Hoping more visitations will occur and continue to bless you.

Betsy - glad you allowed yourself some "me" time.

Sherry, Diane and Kate - Thank you for your kind words.

CJ - haven't really met you yet, but I too daydream about the future that was lost to me and my daughter.

The pictures of Jessica are beautiful. Thank God for technology which allows us to have these treasures and gives the ability to share with others the beauty of our children. A little after 2am now. Hoping to be asleep by 3. Wishing each of you a peaceful night. Think of you all often during the course of my days and nights. Thank you for your kind acceptance of me.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[hoosiermom]

"But the love that you two share is much stronger than the veil that separates you now."

Beautiful words....brings tears to my eyes.....my Brianna was disabled and could not speak but the bond between us was so strong that not even her death could break it....I know she is always right there, on the other side of that thin veil.

Susan--my mom used to live in northeastern GA, Rabun County, she lived near a town called Clayton. It's absolutely beautiful in that area, especially this time of year.

Trying to catch up on posts....wishing all Indigos a peaceful Monday....Jenn

[ericasmom]

Tangible things

They are the possessions we hang on to

long after the event.

The prom dress, yellow satin,

the first skating skirt, double tiered.

her trophies and report cards,

her favorite dolls

and her lefty mitt,

all packed in boxes.

Holy and sacred.

They are things,

the touchstones that I cherish and protect

[Susie_q512]

Jenn - Such kind words. Thank you. I believe that once a person crosses over, they become whole and complete. Some people have physical and mental disabilities, others emotional and mental. Shannon did not have physical disabilities, but I suspected that she may have bi-polar disorder like me. I also believe that she was developing an eating disorder in the last 10 months of her life. These things caused me such worry and heartache. I take comfort now in knowing that she no longer struggles with those things. I'm sure that your girl can do all the things on the other side that she could not do in this life. True love knows no bounds...I have no doubt that the two of you shared and continue to share a very deep and special bond.

Dee - absolutely beautiful and true. Thanks for sharing.

Got about 6 hours sleep last night. Thinking "sleep" may be the thing I needed to help me feel a little better physically. Still lots to get done. Just going to work a little everyday and hope for the best.

Hope everyone has a good day.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[westleysmom]

So many posts over the weekend that I'll never be able to keep up. I don't usually sign on during the weekends, at home, I just never have the energy to sign on.

Leah-You are in my thoughts and I hope that you get word from your grandson soon. I'm so sorry that it is going so badly for your daughter. Hugs

Betsy-Thank you for the picture, it was beautiful. I'm glad you got to enjoy some happy memories of Rich and Sarah and you in better times.

Susan-Loved the pics of Shannon and your family. I'm a champion sleeper most of the time now. Sleeplessness comes every now and then, though and drains my energy as I lie awake, thinking about what-if and if only.

Polly-The dream you had makes perfect sense and I believe that when we die our bodies become perfect. I picture Chad and Brianna walking with all of our angels.

Susannah-I'm so sorry about Claws and glad that Jasmine was okay. I think we cleaned the fish tank one time and got soap in the container and I don't know that we ever owned up to it. And one time my FIL ran over a new kitty cat with a dozer in the backyard. He felt awful (it was new and he didn't know we had it and didn't see it) and I don't think we ever told the kids what happened. I also ran over a puppy in the driveway, unfortunately the kids were with me and knew what I'd done. Man, in trying to make you feel better, I feel like the world's worst threat to the pet population! All of these things happened over many years, does that make it better?

Carol-Hope you're still enjoying your trip and find all the wenches you and talons require.

Diane-I have to renew my license this year and am a little behind on the CPE, which is what accountants call 'em. Nothing like waiting til the last minute.

Josie-Sometimes I feel the bitterness trying to take over and it is a struggle that I'm afraid I will always have. You have chosen the best option, we have to choose it again everyday is the thing.

Gotta run. Hope you're all having a decent day and find a smile somewhere in it.

[Guest msnher]

Rhonda, you DID make me feel better!

[daveydow1]

Betsy----Yep----the incident with all those wild animals (some endangered species) let loose by

their owner is a tragedy. The sheriffs and deputies had no choice but to shoot them before they

harmed anyone. They were hungry. It is a statewide embarrassment that OHIO has no laws

about keeping exotic pets. Our gov. made an awful error in not renewing a moratorium on keeping

these types of animals, that the previous gov. had on the books, but the new gov. let it expire. I

am of a firm belief that it should be made a Federal Law (banning keeping/buying wild animals

of that sort),.....rather than leaving it up to the states. Our present gov. surely dropped the ball,

and is now taking a lot of heat.....rightly so. NOW, he's doing something about it. Too late for all

those animals. The owner was no doubt a disturbed person. No winners in this bad situation.

thanks for the lovely pic of the sky.

Leah-----It's good that your older daughter sides with you, and understands. Your other daughter

has used you.......and taken advantage of your kind heart and generosity. But, now you are doing

a good thing by staying tough. You must........for your own sake, and the sake of your the rest of

your family. I wish you peace & strength, friend. Prayers.

Jenn-----You are so right-----the bond of love is so strong, it cannot be broken. Our kids are just

ever so close........on the other side of the veil, ......but so close to us.

Kathy-----Lovely pics......thanks.

Sus------Oh, ....so sorry about the little kitten. Your heart was in the right place, and you only wished to help

the kitten.....sorry for you and the kids.

Dee-------You wrote that you use ERi's eyeshadow brush so that you may feel her touch with something that she

also used. I have Dave's dk. green bathroom drinking cup, and use it every day. You mentionded the

pumpkins from Ohio donated to the Boys & Girls Club in NJ........We have oodles of farms around here that

grow pumpkins----acres and acres !

Susan------I'm glad that you were able to get some good sleep. I kept some of the houseplants going that came

for David's funeral. They kept going for several years, then some just went into a decline and died after 8 yrs.

The last one to go was this summer. I guess all houseplants have a lifespan, so I felt lucky that I was able to

keep them that long. (I'm not that knowledgeable about houseplants either )

Carol------Enjoy your trip........room sounds so nice.

Polly------Chad is living it up with all our angels.......free and happy, for sure.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL IN THE INDIGO FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[summergirl]

Thanks for the birthday wishes Dee.....yes, seeing Tavian's smile this morning made me happy to be here for him. He inspires me in so many ways and I know that Jess is smiling and saying "thanks momma for loving Tavian the way I would if I were still there"....I also know she is here beside me as I would never be able to do what I do without her presence everywhere......Love her always, miss her forever.......

[ericasmom]

Sherry, I agree completely with you on the topic of wild animals and ownership. It is a ludicrous hobby to have wild animals like tigers and lions and chimps on your land, and the guy was arrested and charged with cruelty to animals before, so why did he still have them? It is so sad that they were treated poorly and then having to be put down...so sad. No win situation.

Hey, I thought the pumpkin crops were not doing well this year, I guess I was wrong.

So tired today, the weather was gorgeous, but I am going to hit the sack early I think, (unless I get a second wind). We go to the Arboretum tomorrow, the tree museum and will be outdoors most of the day. Hopefully the kids will come dressed for the cool morning and in layers so that when it warms up, we will be all good. Wishes to All.

[Guest msnher]

The kids and I went to the Humane Society today to look for another cat. They have to process my application, which will take a couple of weeks, then if I'm approved they have to see if the cat we choose will fit well with Shelby (our dog).

[Chads Mom]

Worked today and am half asleep…………..I think not getting the rest I need is catching up with me.

I did want to stop by and let you all know I am thinking of each and everyone of you.. Good wishes and warm (((hugs)))

Polly--Chad’s Mom

[Guest msnher]

A different pic of Steph.

[Susie_q512]

Sus - beautiful pic of your daughter. Thanks for sharing it. As morbid as some folks may find this, I love looking at the pictures of everyone's children on this site. It reminds me that they were here, they were loved, their lives impacted others and held great meaning and value. I don't want Shannon to ever be forgotten, so I speak of her often and enjoy sharing moments and pictures of her too. These pictures capture glimpses of their personalities, their uniqueness, their spirit. Each child represented has no equal....they are each truly special and amazing individuals that we were blessed to have in our lives, if only for a short while. In facing this tragedy, I have learned that I would not have traded a single moment I had with her. Every moment, word, touch, smile, tender or funny moment are sacred to me. Even the bad times are sacred....they're simply a part of our history together making life with her "real". My heart does ache when viewing the pictures, because I know the pain associated with losing them. I understand the vastness of our loss. But still, I love getting to know them...how very special each one was and still is in the lives of those who loved them beyond measure. A parent's love is so pure, so unconditional. Praying a prayer tonight that each of our angels will find the ways needed to let us know they are still near to us.

So glad that you went to the shelter. I'm sure that the perfect match will be found for your family. And best of all, you'll be saving the life of one in need. You're an angel!

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[Susie_q512]

Polly - I am learning the necessity of sleep. It does not come on it's own, so I have begun taking Xanax at night. One didn't work, so the dosage was increased to two. The past two nights I have slept for longer periods before the tossing and turning kicks in. I can feel the difference. Things aren't exactly good right now, but giving my body a way in which to relax, rest and restore is making it a bit easier for me. I may have to do this awhile before the full benefits of sleep are noticed, and then I will tapper off the usage of the medication. Shannon worried so much about me prior to her death. She knew that my stress level was having a negative effect on me physically and mentally, so I know that she would want me to try to take care of myself through this most difficult time. Hoping you find what you need to help you reach the point of restorative sleep and rest for your mind and body. I can tell from the pictures of your son that he was an incredibly special and loving young man. Our kids loved us so very much, they would want us to take care of ourselves in the best ways that we can. Hoping you find rest for your weariness and renewed strength for tomorrow and the days ahead.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[Susie_q512]

Rhonda - In reading your comment about bitterness, I found myself thinking about me and the great possibility that bitterness could take root in me. I don't understand "why" this was allowed to happen. I think of what I've lost, what my daughter Ragan has lost, what Shannon has lost. I view it often as a robbery, and anger is starting to creep in a little more throughout the course of my days. Truth is, I am angry about it. I am angry at God, at life, at the universe, at myself for not being able to stop the event from occurring. I see posts on facebook, people living their lives with their families intact, or complaining about things that really aren't the problem they think it is. I have to make myself resist the urge to respond in a negative manner by reminding them of situations which are worthy of complaint....like the death of a child. So far I have been able to resist the urge to respond to those people, but it takes great effort. I can see myself becoming bitter and hard, and that's not really what I want for my future. I still have another daughter who needs her mom, and Shannon would be upset and troubled if I allowed myself to give in to that aspect of this process. I assume it's a battle we all must face when going through this experience.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[Guest msnher]

Susan, personally, I think anger is part of this process. I took my anger out on God. I did a lot of yelling and writing and sobbing. Turns out He can handle it. I think repressed anger is dangerous for us. We become a boiling pot. There has to be a way to express and relieve that anger in a productive way. You are very new to this horrible journey, please be gentle with yourself.