Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmomrs]

Sus: I am so glad that Claws is doing much better...I know that Jasmine will infuse this special kitty with love and care. I think Jasmine is so very blessed to have a gramma who so understand her need to love and to be loved.

Betsy: Have a good day with Sarah...Rich is right there with both of you, surrounding you both with his wonderful spirit and soaking up your love. I am so glad that the weather is nice for all of you out doing something today, or even if you are just staying home, enjoying.

Polly: I am so glad that you were able to finally feel Chad's spirit around you. We also lost our son to cancer....Mike died of brain cancer on October 14, 2006. He was 31. I am glad that coming here to read has allowed you some comfort and you are right, you are not alone in your thoughts or feelings.

Pam: I am happy for you that Andy's birthday celebration went so well...it is always good to celebrate their life, and find joy in other's faces over having known him and loved him. Sending love to you.

My daughter and Jamie just came in for a visit...will come back later.

have a good day, all.

[ericasmom]

Polly, so so sad that you have lost your Chad, your Beautiful Son. I am however, glad that you found us in your grief as we all know the hard steps each of us take to get to a point where we feel we can live and breathe and take some delight in life again. Some new to this may feel that that is ridiculous, no delight will ever be felt again, but I stand here along with several others long on this journey, and promise you that you will one day feel a different kind of happiness.

Tell us about Chad, how old was he and how long was he ill?

My Girl, Erica, was 19 when she died in 2003, when her car was struck by a train. She lived for 6 days after that but I knew before we got to the hospital, that ERi would die. I did not yet know that her car was struck by a train.

[rlolheiser]

Happy Birthday Andy! thinking of you with our angels.. touch mom with your sweet angel love and let her know she is never alone

[lolynbo]

POLLY HOW OLD WAS CHAD?...I TOO LOST MY CHILD TO BRAIN CANCER... SHE NEVER REGAINED CONCEINES(SP) AFTER HER TUMOR BURST AND MANY SURGERIES....7 MO AND 2 DAYS OF SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRR HELL

HUGGGS TO U MY FRIEND

AUNT DEE..THANK U SO MUCH...HE WAKES US UP ALMOST NIGHTLY CRYING ON THE EDGE OF MY BED...BREAKS MY HEART...

[mysonrich]

Hello everyone, it was a beautiful day mixed with sadness as when viewed thousands of names at the 9/11 Memorial in NYC. We walked past the Occupy Wall Street people, very peaceful, music, some dancing children and messages on signs. We turned a corner and we were in the middle of a street fair. Gyros for lunch and shared cannoli . Lots of goods and goodies for sale. I lost my memory card for my camera somewhere along the line. I used my cell camera. Here is a link.

It occured to me as I read the names at the memorial, there were unborn children too. Above Todd Beamer, a child s mother and her unborn.

http://s645.photobucket.com/albums/uu177/ehaldeman/911MemorialNYC/

[ericasmom]

Betsy, thanks so much for the photo walk through your pretty day, bittersweet to be sure. The memorial looks gorgeous, so glad that after so long, a proper memorial is in place but so sad taht there ever was a need for such a mark in history. A sad sad mark. I am glad that you spent the day with your adorable Daughter. Is she enjoying her new position at the new school?

Lorri, you tell that Boy to look up at the huge full moon taking up the sky tonight and to speak to it, gaze into it and know that the power that lights the moons way is there for him as well. Give him a huge hug and let him know that I am praying on the silver orb tonight for all those feeling heartsick.

Prayers please for someone dear to all of us in our family, has become addicted to pain killers.

[dwsmithrn]

oh pam....i am so happy that your birthday celebration for your beloved andy turned out so well....i hope you feel his love all around you....i thought about you all day today....sending you all kinds of hugs....

polly...i so sorry that you find yourself here, but here is a place we find ourselves, not by choice....but a place to vent, to talk, to post our feelings, our grief, our thoughts our sadness....it is a place that we don't have to put up a front....no judgement, no criticism....just say whatever is on your mind and what you feel like saying at any given moment. we do read and write, but most of all, we LISTEN and we do understand...every emotion....it is so hard for 'others' outside this circle to understand....so, we hang on to each other and tell our inner most fears and secrets and thoughts. we also talk about our baby angels and let everyone know that our angels are now safe and happy, even though our hearts are broken, the heart keeps beating....we don't know how we get up every day, but we do....i am into this journey 8+ months now, and i still don't know why or how i put my feet on the floor day after day. i am fearful, anxious, sad and broken. i don't know if i can ever be fixed....but it can tell you that this site, these people have literally SAVED MY LIFE....i am still here and i still come to this site AND i had the honor of meeting karen and carol in september...it was wonderful....it was as if i had known them my whole life....so, yes, keep coming here and read and post as you feel like it....as hard as this journey is for all of us, we have to do it together....it's the only way.

i made it through a day of work today...it was hard and exhausting. i was anxious, uncomfortable and hid from patients as much as i possibly could....only cried twice, though...i don't feel like i belong anymore, anywhere....except home, my safe haven. i am not happy anywhere, but home. i can't figure out why of how or when, i will be able to start 'fixing' myself again....or is it ever possible? IDK.....do i care? IDK.

here i go, babbling again....

thanks everyone for listening and being here....

night night...sleep tight....love to all.......diane

[Guest msnher]

REmembering Andy and Pam today!

Chad's mom - I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son! You've come to the right place. We can't take away your pain, but we can certainly hold your hand through this living hell. My 28 yr old daughter, Stephanie, died on 8-9-09 in an ATV accident. She left behind three young children whom my husband and I are now raising. You will hear a lot about them from me.

Speaking of...Within 30 minutes of Jasmine arriving home from school Claws began eating, for the first time ever. We learned from the vet that Claws is barely 6 weeks old. Jasmine and cat have truly bonded. Here's a picture of Jasmine, Kaylee and Claws.

[nicksdad]

[nicksdad]

[Susie_q512]

Hi. My name is Susan. Tomorrow marks the 3 week anniversary of my daughter Shannon's death. She was killed on impact when she lost control of her car. She went into the other lane and was t-boned by a huge SUV. She was only 16 years old...had just celebrated her 16th birthday in June. I have not broken down yet. I may have been hysterical at the accident scene, but no wailing or sobbing. I was told that I was in shock and that it could last for several weeks. I feel a terrible sense of loss and sadness. Motivation is a problem as everything I try to do exhausts me. I am not sleeping well. I don't understand why this happened. I don't know how to live in a world without her. I have another daughter, Ragan. Shannon was buried the day before Ragan's 19th birthday. Ragan helped with funeral arrangements, displaying of photos and the slide show, and helped me plan Shannon's funeral. My husband was unable to help. He has been battling a very rare and incurable form of cancer for almost 3 years now. He was already physically, emotionally and mentally weakened by his battle with cancer. Shannon's death has devastated him, and I am unsure that he will recover from the loss of her. I don't know how to help Ragan. I believe that she went into shock at the accident scene and is like me at this time. I fear the pain that awaits me when the shock wears off...right now I feel it, but in a subtle way...maybe I'm pushing it away or running from i? Don't know how I can fall apart when I have a very sick husband and a grieving daughter to care for. Wish I could go to sleep and forget this nightmare. Wish I could turn back time. How can someone be gone so quickly? I hugged her bye, told her I loved her, told her to be careful on her way to her babysitting job....I even said a prayer asking God to keep her safe. She left the house, went about a mile down the road and died....it happened about 3 minutes after we said our goodbyes. She was healthy and full of life and dreams. She was a good person....everyone's friend. She always had a smile. Always picked others up when they were sad. She befriended the ones others ignored or made fun of. She was a true ditsy blonde and kept everyone in stitches with her antics. She was loving, kind, tenderhearted, compassionate, forgiving and totally awesome. There is such a void now....this emptiness keeps getting bigger. I am really starting to feel her absence. Home doesn't feel the same...it's a very different vibe now, and I don't like it. I believe that her spirit is still with us, but I just want her back, and I can't get her back. I feel lost and hurt and sad and can't believe or fully accept that she is dead. I want to scream and tear things up. I want to rage at God and the universe and anyone who still has their families intact....it's not right that this happened. I guess I'm a little angry too. I hate this and I hate that I can't change it. I feel powerless, helpless, hopeless. How do I live in a world without her? How do I get the "want to" live in this world without her? Nothing makes sense. I feel like the big bad wolf is pounding at the door, and my shabby house can't keep him out much longer. I fear the pain will consume me when it comes. All I want...my heart's desire, is to have her back. Only 3 weeks yet it feels like it's been forever that I have been without her.

[lolynbo]

SUSAN, IM SO SORRY FOR SHANNONS ACCIDENT AND HER DEATH...AT ANY FN AGE ITS TOO EARLY.....REGAN SOUNDS LIKE MY KIMBERLY SHE HELPED WITH ALL DETAILS AS WELL AS CODY KIMBERLYS HUBBY, FOR OUR SWEET KOURTNEYS FUNERAL...DIED FROM BRAIN TUMOR IN WHICH WE HAD ONLY FOUDN 11 DAYS B4 IT BURST...SHE NEVER SPOKE AGAIN...DIED 7 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS LATER...MY BFF, MY CO WORKER, MY DAUGHTER, MY DREAMS....HUGGGS TO YOU MY NEW FRIEND....IM ON FB TOO LORRI COOPER BOATRIGHT IF U WANNA SEE MY PICS ID LOVE TO SEE YOURS.....LONG LONG ROAD WERE ON AND YOUR JUST STARTING...IVE DONE IT FOR 3 YRS 4 MONTHS...STILL PAINFUL AND UNREAL...JUST BREATHE....

DANIELLE DANIELLE DANIELLE LOVE SEEING HER SWEET FACE...

DEE AGAIN THANK YOU FOR KODYS PRAYERS AND HELP FOR HIM...IM DOING ALL I CAN...

[ericasmom]

Lorri, we can only do what we do, we cannot make that loved one see the way we see, or believe the way we may, only time and experience can do this. Prayers will continue.

Susan, I am holding my breath as I write, realizing that I held my breath while I read your post as well. Your Beautiful Daughter, Shannon died so short a time ago adn yet it does feel like a lifetime, and in that same moment, it seems like yesterday. Time plays tricks on those of us who lose a child. My Girl, Erica died over 8 years ago, she was 19. Her car was hit about 30 minutes after we had a phone conversation. She was living in Kalamazoo, Michigan at the time, and I live where she and my Son grew up, just outside of Chicago. She and my Son were living there and kind of going to school and enjoying life away from parents...her car was hit by an Amtrak and she lived for 6 days but never awake again. Time was the hardest element for me, the abstraction of time and it still plays with my brain because it seems virtually impossible that over 8 years have passed since I lost my Girl, but indeed the calendar says 2011 and I am indeed 55 now. My Son is now 30 and he lost he and his Sister's Dad 2.5 years ago to cancer. Mike and I were divorced in 1994 but had found our way to being friends again before Eri died, thank heavens. Anyhow, we all were in shock for a long time. It wears away in layers so as to continue to protect you, but what you are feeling now is the start of one layer being lifted. Hold onto us, we will hold onto you too, and help you get through this and all the layers of shock as they wear away. We all get it, we know what it means to feel exhuasted by simply getting out of bed and brushing our teeth. Sleep changes as does everything. I promise you though, as i did earlier in the day to another brand new to this place, that you will find your way to living a life again, but right now you will struggle with it all. Who wouldn't? The fact that you need to be caregiver for your husband and you worry about Ragan may hold off some of your tears and meltdowns, but there is no way around grief and mourning, only through it so do allow your emotions when you can. Do you work outside the house as well? Is Ragan in school? Is there someone you both can talk like a therapist so that you both can learn to release some of the grief without worrying about harming each other?

We don't learn, on this journey WHY we had to lose our Child, but we learn HOW to live and cope adn respect our grief as a piece of our new lives. I am so sorry that you have had this deep deep sadness in your lives, please tell us about Shannon when you are ready. She sounds so much like the free spirit that many of our children were/are.

[ericasmom]

Sonia, may you feel the warmth of Danielle's smile shine on you today and each day knowing that she is so proud to be your Girl. Hugs to you.

Danielle, Danielle, Danielle---------------fly freely

[Guest msnher]

Susan - I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful, 16 year old daughter, Shannon! I can't even think of anything comforting to say. It's such a tragedy. You have been thrust into a life none of us would wish on our worst enemy. The only bit of hope I can offer is that you don't have to walk this new journey alone. We will walk with you. We cannot take away your pain. We can't even ease your pain. Just know that we understand your pain. Three weeks is such a very short time. It's just a hiccup, really. I am so glad you found your way to this site. I hope it will be a lifeline for you as it has been for me and so many others - too many others. This is a safe place to let it all out. Yell, scream, cry...talk. Just let it flow from your broken heart through your fingertips. How well I remember typing as the tears splattered my keyboard. There are parents who have been on this journey longer than I who will have practical suggestions for you...like drinking plenty of water. Me? I have none. Just survive! Hugs to you!

[Susie_q512]

Lorri, Dee and Susannah.....Thank you for your understanding, acceptance, support and hope. I am truly struggling with so many emotions and thoughts and "if onlys". I am not sure that I have fully accepted her passing. It still seems so unreal at times. I went back to work yesterday. Only there 3 hours, but they were long hours. Difficult to concentrate and twice I had to clock-out to pull myself back together. People keep telling me to take one day at a time, but it's more like taking one moment at a time...I can't seem to think too far ahead. I am having trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that she is no longer with me in this physical world, but I am very spiritual. I believe that she lives in the form of spirit now. I believe that there is a way to continue the relationship, she and I just have to learn the language of the spirit. This possibility gives me some measure of hope and comfort, but it is fleeting. I do feel as though I am on a roller coaster. I am beginning to have brief moments of pain and heartache. I am noticing that I am also beginning to have moments of anger and outrage over her death and my loss. I am also struggling with my husband's grief. I want to help him through the process of his grief, but I simply cannot carry his grief and mine at the same time. He is at a different place in his grief than I am in mine. He did see a grief counselor yesterday, and both Ragan and I are open to counselling. I like this site....it seems safe, and it helps to have contact with other's who are on the same journey as I am. No one else can ever possibly understand unless they themselves have experienced the death of a child. I am so very sorry that each of you have lost a precious child. I look forward to getting to know each of you and your kids. Thanks for responding to my post. I have been reading a lot of posts that others have shared on this site. Very glad I was able to find this site...I don't feel quite as alone as I did before joining. I will share information about Shannon soon, and hopefully have some pictures to share. Shannon truly was an exceptional girl. Thank again to each of you.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[ericasmom]

Susan, it is for many of us, especially in the first year or two, one moment at a time, sometimes 30minutes passes and sometimes an hour, but daily there is likely hard spots. I too am very spiritually connected and my beliefs have always been turned toward the possibilities that exist and so I do find comfort and hope in these. The relationships do go on in a new form and you and Shannon will find the language necessary for that..

Just so you know, My Son's fiance' is named Shannon so I don't want you to be alarmed when you see that beautiful name applied to someone else.

[shorty16]

Danielle,

Your 4th angelversary, so hard to believe. I send my love and prayers to Sonya and Timmy. May you feel Danielle's

presence today.

Colleen

[hotrod]

[size="4"]

Danielle, Danielle, Danielle

Saying Your Beautiful Name

Please touch your family with the warmth of your love

In a Special Way Today

[Guest msnher]

Danielle.....saying your name out loud. Please send your mom a sign of your presence today.

[westleysmom]

Danielle-Beautiful girl who will always be loved and missed.

Sonya-Thinking of you today and hoping that the day is kind to you and you feel Danielle in a way that makes you smile through your tears.

[westleysmom]

Pam-Sorry I missed Andy's birthday and hope that the balloon release and dinner with his friends helped you to make it through the day.

Susan-I'm so sorry for your loss. My 20 year old son Westley died in his sleep last January 13, 6 days before what would have been his 21st birthday. Everybody is different in their grief and nobody is wrong in the way they do it. Whenever I feel as if I should be "better" or some other crazy notion comes into my head that not only did I not protect my son from his death, but I'm not even handling my sadness the right way, I try to remember that there is no "right" way, no road map for a trip nobody wants to even think that they will ever be taking, that of how to find your way through a life that no longer includes your beautiful child. Everybody here understands that pain and how it makes thinking hard and living harder. Hugs to you and hope that you will find comfort here as I have among friends. They're the best.

Lorri-So sorry for Kody's heartbreak and hope that he will be feeling better soon.

Dee-The cake sounded wonderful, I haven't had time to think lately so not much baking going on at the house.

Polly-I'm so sorry for your loss as well. I'm already into writing my post and can't look back, but wanted to say hello and welcome to you. As I mentioned, I haven't been abel to be on and keep up much lately, but the friends here have helped me so much.

Carol-I still haven't found a good time to be sure that my husband has read Westley's life story. I think he probably did at the time it was written, and after I thought about it, I may have shown it to him when I found it last year. The only reason I haven't brought it out lately is that I can't bear to see him cry. He is so busy at work and tired in the evenings. You and Ralph and your whole family are in my thoughts this week as the 14th (I hope I have that right) approaches.

Diane-Good for you for helping out at the office. I know it was hard, but you did it.

Gotta run, but wanted to say hi to everybody. Hope you have as good a day as you can.

[Guest msnher]

Dee - You also have a Susannah in your face to face life, do you not?

Susan - I think our own grief prevents us from feeling our children, but I believe they don't give up trying. Most of us, here, have had magnificant signs and manifestations from our child. I am due one from my Stephanie (hint-hint I say to her) You sound like someone who already understands that it might be a bit more difficult for Shannon to get through the wall of protection or shock tragedy automatically constructs for our survival. Having experienced a lot of loss and hardship in my life combined with the abundant spiritual experiences I had already been blessed with, I was sure I could skip through the grief over the loss of my daughter. I knew it would hurt, but I honestly expected to feel the hurt and be done with it. Boy, was I in for a rude awakening! Nothing could have prepared me for my child's death. I discovered that grief is a power unto itself. It demands our respect. It WILL have its' way with you. It is intimate, intrusive and pure torture. And, just when you think you can't take any more, it will send the sun to warm your skin...and more surprisingly, you will actually feel the sun's warmth. It will allow a giggle to escape your lips. You will feel terribly guilty when that happens. That's grief too. Grief is a contradiction unto itself. You will survive this, Dear Susan. Grief will never be completely done with you, but it will teach you how to live differently in a world that no long makes sense. As you learn to walk with grief...through the muddy foxhole of your personal war...your daughter will be right there beside you...and, you will see the evidence of her presence in profound manifestations. Much love to you!

[kmb22]

Edit

[Guest msnher]

Karen - Even in the depth of your sorrow you are still one hell of a writer. You so elequently articulate this horrible journey. I can hear you softly playing your guitar right now. So soothing and comforting to my soul. I think it was Dee (maybe Carol) who said we not only grieve the loss of our child we grieve the loss of who we once were. I'm one of those people who is worried about you going this Saturday. I know you have to do it and I support your decision to do so. I just hope no further heartache comes from the experience. Having said that, I do trust Shawn's teammates to do the right thing. And, I do believe in miracles. I pray you a miracle that you will feel Shawn's arms around you and the love he has for you. I know you are facing more than just Shawn's death - as if that isn't enough all by itself, and I know this doesn't take away any of the heavy weight on your very small shoulders, (I know you're tough - I say rolling my eyes) but please know this lady in the middle of Wyoming loves and cares about you and you have made a huge difference in my life.

[Susie_q512]

A glimpse of life with Shannon:

Not long ago, she wanted to wash her clothes. The washer and dryer were in use, so she had the bright idea that she could just use the dishwasher....of course the dishwasher overflowed with bubbles. It was an absolute mess, and she had been sure this was a good idea. Took me forever to clean up the bubbles. For a while, every time we turned the dishwasher on, it would once again overflow with bubbles.

We went on vacation to Florida a month before her passing. Before we left, we were watching Shark week....she had a plan of action should she encounter a shark while swimming in the ocean: Direct Eye Contact....she was convinced that having a "stare down" with a shark would scare it away. We all laughed because she was serious....she had heard somewhere that this method worked, and she was so naive and gullible that she believed it to be true. She took everything that she ever heard, read or saw "literally".

A few days before she started 9th grade she decided to lighten her hair. She kept insisting that she knew what she was doing and for us not to worry....well, she ended up not mixing it correctly and using developer as conditioner. Yep. That one cost me about a 120 bucks to fix.

When she was about 13 yrs old, her Grandma had told her that if you take a small piece of bread soaked in milk and apply it to a zit, it would make it go away.....I walk into the living room to find that she had milk soaked bread applied to almost her entire face. It was held in place with cellophane that had been wrapped around her head....at least she had the sense not to cover her eyes, nose or mouth. She was horrified when I pulled out the camera and took her picture.

She cheated death a lot in her short lifetime, mostly due to her impulsiveness. At her funeral, her sister Ragan spoke these words: "I'm surprised we had her this long." It made everyone laugh because we fully understood the truth of those words.

She left us 3 weeks ago today. I probably should be crying, and maybe I will, but right now I am enjoying the memories of her. She sure knew how to entertain us!

[Chads Mom]

Thank you all for such a warm welcome! If there is nothing else out of this that I have learned it is that we are not alone on our grief. There are others that have walked this path and are still journeying on it even now and I admire your strength and compassion for those that have just begun. It gives me hope......

Chad was a 28 years old when he passed away. Shortly after my son was born he required a surgery that left him with cerebral palsy and with that came multiple disabilities.. Chad was a tiny kid with a heart of gold. He was childlike in some ways but he was very smart and when you really got to know him he was much older than his twenty eight years. He was our party planner and our calendar keeper. He was a little comedian and a loving compassionate boy to all those around him.

Early on we noticed my son was missing something. No don’t worry it was a good thing. He lived a good happy and giggly life. What was missing for my son was hate and anger. He never ever met a person he didn’t like. He never harbored resentment, jealousy, or regret. It just wasn’t in him to be that way.

Others might have looked at him and thought physically he was imperfect but we looked at him as one of the most pure and perfect things in our lives.

Finding out about Chad’s cancer was like watching a movie. We found out April 4th he had stage 4 Esophageal cancer, one week later we found out the cancer had spread to his lymph nodes and bones. 49 days later Chad passed away. ( the doctor estimated he had about 6 months) I still wish I could have had the 6 months to hug him and love him up.

My husband, youngest son and I are still scratching our heads as to how or why Chad ended up with this???? Now we are just trying to get through the days, weeks, and months without him.

Polly--Chad’s Mom

[Susie_q512]

Polly,

I'm new in this journey too. 3 weeks ago today I lost my beautiful 16 yr old daughter, Shannon, in a car accident. We hugged and exchanged our "I Love you's" and said goodbye.....3 minutes later she was dead. Not only I, but everyone here is well acquainted with your heartache and sadness. I have found great comfort in the communications of others on this site. I am hoping and praying that you will as well. I am so sorry for your loss. I am still so new to this journey that I feel I have no encouraging words of comfort and peace for you. I can say to you that "I understand". I will hold you and your family in my heart, my thoughts, my prayers.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[Guest msnher]

Susan, OMG I laughed til' I cried reading about your Shannon's antics. Especially the bread soaked milk on her face wrapped in celophane! I hope you post the picture of that one. I hope all of you post pictures of your angels!

Polly, What a pure spirit your Chad was. I envy that...loving and forgiving easily. If only it could be so natural for the rest of humanity.

I love reading about your children, please tell us more!

[rlolheiser]

Danielle.. saying your name to the heavens while you dance with the angels.. touch mom's heart today and always!!

[andy88]

Happy Birthday DANIELLE DANIELLE DANIELLE!

Give your Mom a big hug for us.

[andy88]

Susan,

That was the funniest thing I've read in ages!!! So glad you are able to enjoy the happy/funny memories.

Pam

[andy88]

Polly,

Thank you for sharing your wonderful, sweet, happy Chad with us. He was a great gift, wasn't he?

[ericasmom]

Love the sweet and hilarious memories of our two newest Angels. Hang oto those sweetest of thoughts, they are gold.

[drobertsdt]

I lost my 19 year old son Adrian on September 19th, 2011 from an accidental drug overdose. My heart is so heavy and my insides hurt so much that I don't feel that I can do this. It is by far the worst feeling in this world. I have a hard time sleeping and functioning in general. I have a 15 year old daughter and he left behind a 9 month old son (which looks just like him) These 2 are what keep me in the game. It is true when all the people leave and the house is empty, that is when the real pain begins. Everyone says it will hurt forever but the pain will lessen. Grief is something we have to go through, there isn't a way out of it. I just want my baby boy back, i wasn't finished with him yet. I don't understand why? I guess i never will! I know God will give me the strenghth to endure this journey...but it doesnt stop the pain. Everyone else gets to go back to their "normal" life again....i have no "normal" anymore...it has been changed forever! I just want to scream!!! Not everybody understands the depth of this pain unless you have journeyed down this road. I get tired of people telling me to just take it one day at a time........it is one second at a time...and sometimes that is overwhelming. I am dealing with the regrets...the i should have, the what if's. It just makes me crazy. But the fact is...i can't change anything!

[aim630]

Danielle, Danielle, Danielle

Fly by your mom today and let her feel your presence

[aim630]

Susan-Thanks for sharing some of your good memories of Shannon with us. I too laughed out loud. Your Shannon sounds a lot like my Ashley...never a dull moment!

Polly-Chad sounds like a wonderful young man. Thanks for sharing that also. I find it helps to share our precious memories of our angels.

Dixie-I am sorry for the loss of your son Adrian. Our "normal" has been changed forever, but as some of the other parents here can tell you, although the pain never goes away, it gets "softer". All of us found out we were a lot stronger than we ever wanted to be. I really wish I understood "why", but we'll never get that answer, at least not in this lifetime. My 23 yr old daughter lost a 3 month fight with pneumonia and complications of H1N1-a blood clot traveled to her heart after 3 months (2 of them in a medically induced coma)in the ICU/step down unit on 2-9-10.

Although I am sorry all of you are here, I'm glad you found a place to share your grief, tears, laughter and memories of your angels.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Sonya: May you hear the sounds of the beautiful music coming from the party that is held today by our angels in honor of your sweet, precious Danielle. Remembering her birthday is a treasure to hold in your heart...the happiest day of your life, the gift of your treasured daughter placed in your arms. A memory to hold us together, always.

Danielle...Danielle...Danielle...surround your mom and sweet family with your spirit of love and joy...let them know that you are in another place of wonder, a place of joy, kindness and glory. Happy birthday, sweet girl, happy birthday!

[ericasmom]

Dixie, as Amy said and as you said, there is no normal for us anymore, all things once recognizable are foreign objects as our swirling grief takes hold. We are changed, our brain chemicals have been changed, our hearts are in splinters and the world keeps going round. We can't fathom why others are going about their daily chores and habits, but it is those daily things that we begin to find a clock in our lives again. It takes a long long time so don't expect that for a long while. We all grieve as we do, there is not one wrong way to grieve unless you are hurting yourself, so please don't do that as your Baby would never want such a thing. Adrian is not here the way he used to be and there is no rhyme or reason to that. How is your 15 year old doing with so great a loss? Siblings are often left out of the books and the inquiries of others when in fact, siblings suffer in all the many ways we can imagine adn several that we can't. I know that my Son, 2.5 years older than his Sister when she was killed over 8 years ago, was devastated. As they say, a sibling loses the witness to his/ her life. It is so. Come here Dixie and rant and shout and scream too, all of it is what most of us have done, cry till the tears aren't there adn then when you thought they were gone, there will be more. My Girl was 19 like your Boy. Erica's car was hit by an Amtrak at a broken crossing. No rhyme or reason.

There are three brand new to grief here in two days. Please know that we support and surround your hearts in all ways that we can. Tell us more about your lives and your Sweeties and we will fill you in on our many stories. Do not feel you need to address us each, that comes with time and right now you need not tax your mind that way. Drink plenty of water to help replace the tears lost, take a vitamin or two a day, drink juice and eat some small meals to get you through. I know that this sounds trite, but you do need to keep your immune system together, the immune system takes a beating with the shock adn sadness, so try to be kind to your bodies. We know you don't feel like taking care of you, but do so anyway.

[Guest msnher]

Dixie - I offer you the saddest of welcomes to the club none of us ever wanted to be a member of. As Dee said, three new parents in just two days...what that says to me is Beyond Indigo made a wise move to become Grieving.com. It doesn't mean more of our children are dying, it just means more are finding us. That is a good thing. I can't imagine having to do this alone. Dixie, I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Adrien! The only way through grief is through. Indeed, none of us will ever be through grief until we are reunited with our children, but we do learn how to live with grief. Please tell us about your son. Do you get to see his son? My 28 yr old daughter, Stephanie, died in an ATV accident on 8-9-09. She left behind three young children whom my husband and I are raising. For me the first 18 months were horrific. There were bad days and worse days with moments of relief. But, at about 18 months (just my experience) something turned for me. I still grieve...but, I have found a groove in my grief that allows me to function. Here you will find the best people in the world suffering the worst loss none of us could have ever imagined. There are no rules here. You can't shock us and you can't talk too much. Just share as you are comfortable.

[lolynbo]

HEY GUYS IM HERE READING SLOWLY CUZ IM SLOW.....WORKING HARD ON KOURTNEYS KLOSET PUTTING OUT WINTER CLOTHES...ALMOST DONE I THINK......WE HAVE HEARD THAT A MAN WANTS TO DONATE A HUGE BUILDING TO A NON PROFIT SO I WROTE HIM A NICE LETTER ASKING FOR THE BUILDING FOR US...IF WE GET IT ITLL BE ANOTHER GOD THING..ITS LARGE...BUT HE CAN DO IT...IF NOT WERE FINE WHERE WE R RENT FREE...

HOPEFULLY HEADED TO TALLEDEGA IN FEW WEEKS FOR PITS FOR NASCAR TRUCK RACE....THEN ON TO TEXAS....BOY KOURTNEY SURE WLD LIKE ALL THIS FRR PIT STUFF....BUT I GUESS SHE HAS THE BEST SEAT OF ALL...

HATE TO SEE NEW PPL ON HERE...BUT JUST KNOW YAL ARE IN A GOOD PLACE THESE PPL ARE AMAZING AND AWESOME ALL IN THEIR OWN WAYS...ME, I TRY BUT IM NOT AS WORDY AS SOME...BUT I CAN PRAY...

[Susie_q512]

Dixie,

I'm still reeling too and fighting against this terrible thing that has been forced upon me. I lost my 16 yr old daughter on September 20th....3 weeks ago today. I am so very sorry that you too have lost your child. I'm just a babe in this journey, so I feel I don't have the skill to offer any real comfort to you, but I will be praying for you and your family. I am so very thankful that I stumbled upon this site. It is unlike any other grief support out there. Here I can connect with others who understand through their own experience. I have no other people in my life who have lost a child, so no one can really relate to where I am or what I am dealing with. Folks here are kind and supportive. Wish I could take all our pain away....just turn back time a little...

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[jeana]

I lost my 22 year old son on September 22. My worst nightmare came true. My husband, their father killed himself on Christmas day last year. My boys and I had talked extensively about suicide and its effects on us. We so did not see this coming from my son. I'm sure there were warning signs, but in our grief, were we blinded to them? I'm so afraid of losing my other 2 boys to this.

My family has had so much grief and sadness the last year. My husbands 45 year old brother had a heart attack and died 4 months before he did. My middle son and daughter n law, lost their newborn baby girl on January 14th. And now my son. How do we deal with all of this?

[mikesmomrs]

There is only one thing that I really hate to do on this site...and that is to find new moms and dads here, sharing the loss of their precious child. Dixie (Adrien), Polly (Chad), and Susan (Shannon)...I am so very sorry to have to welcome you to this site, but like the rest of us here, I am so very glad that you all found us. This is a place where we can be understood, comforted, prayed for, and wished a smile or two, even if only for a minute out of a day, and everyone here will understand if we cannot do even that one smile just yet. I have been here since shortly after my son Mike, died of brain cancer, on October 14, 2006. He was 31 and left behind three small boys, who are now 15, 14 and almost 7. Mike was loved by so many, and we have been very fortunate in being able to hold his memory alive for his boys, even the one who wasn't quite 2 years old when his daddy died. Damon doesn't actually remember his daddy, but his mommy has done so much to help him to know his daddy and all that was a part of him. His older boys, though just 8 and 9 at the time, vividly remember their dad, and hold those memories dear. They visit us often and that truly helps, us as well as them. It hardly seems like it's been almost 5 years since we last saw Mike, held his hand, sat by his bed, and other times it seems like an eternity. Mike's angelversary is this coming Friday, and on Saturday we will all go to his memorial site, put up the fall/halloween decorations, pumpkins, cornstalks, and a beaded decoration that Mike's older sister made for this occasion. We likely will cry, but also we will try to remember all that went before this day in 2006...the many memories that we have of our son, brother, husband and daddy, and friend. Trudi has said (she has a Mike, also who died in January, just after my Mike), we need to make their lives more than just the day that they died...and this is what we do here....remember, share, and comfort. and mostly, Understand.

Many others have already welcomed each of you, and offered their promises of being here for you all...I offer mine, also. Being here for each other is what we do...we come here and post what we might need to to help us through a day that might be particularly challenging for us, and someone will come on and see our post and send out love and understanding. Or, we come and share something that has happened to us that has brought us joy, or even a memory that may have awakened in our heart and stirred some sweetness or bittersweetness within us. You are welcome here. Please come and post, tell us about your sweet children, share their lives with us.

I was on BI late last week and wanted to post something that had happened to us on Friday, the 7th. At the time there was just too much going on and time slipped by. With this Friday fast approaching, I would like to share a couple of things that happened that day. First, I had happened to call Cathi in the early afternoon and she sounded pretty upset. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she had just realized that it was the 7th, and that was the date that began the last week of Mike's life. She had been feeling very emotional most of the day, and when she heard my voice, it all came flowing out in a rush of tears. Of course, I wound up in tears, also, but tears shared can often be a comfort, as we all know.

The second thing that happened was I had been in the thrift store earlier that day looking for t-shirts for Kim's Rebekah and came across a Grateful Dead shirt with the chorus line of skeletons embroidered across the front. When I got home and showed it to Ralph, he said that he didn't think that was a Grateful dead thing. I looked it up on the internet to show him, and selected "images" so he could see a pic of it. After he looked at the randomly selected image, and I closed out of the picture, a picture of a sticker popped up on its own...a picture of a dragonfly, with Grateful Dead images "tattooed" on its wings, and GRATEFUL DEAD printed on the body of the dragonfly. (Mike actually CRIED when Jerry Garcia died!) As you know, and many of you feel the same, dragonflies are to me a sign of Mike's being near. I've seen them on many occasions where it was just "at the right time" for me to believe that it was a sign from Mike. Anyway, I looked up this sticker, and of course ordered it, to put on the van, right next to the memorial sticker for Mike that Greg so kindly made for us a while back.

The third thing that happened was something that happened to Cathi on her way home from work that night. She stopped at the library with Jamie and as they were going in, they saw a skinny, straggly, dirty, very scared little kitten, running back and forth across the street from the library. It seemed to be running up to a truck that was parked next to hers, and almost "throwing" itself against the door of that truck. The next time it came back, Jamie asked Cathi to please not leave it there, it was just so scared looking and so skinny and straggly. Well, Cathi is an "animal person" (does foster care sometimes), but she now has a house full. So, she told Jamie that if the cat was still there when they came out, she would bring it home and call the shelter (a non-euthanizing shelter) in the morning. When they came out, the cat wasn't there, but they noticed a young guy in his 20's across the street, with the cat in his arms, talking to someone on the porch of the house there. CAthi and Jamie overheard the homeowner telling the guy that it wasn't their cat, that it had showed up that day and they had fed it, but it wasn't theirs. When the guy walked back over to the library, Cathi and Jamie started talking to him about the cat. First off, Cathi told me, the guy was probably mid-20's or so, and had a three inch high mohawk, with a HUGE nose ring (Cathi called at a bull nose ring) in his nose, exactly like the one that Mike had at one time. He was wearing a long, black coat over jeans. He was very worried about what to do about the cat, and told Cathi that he was going to take it to his house. When he started to walk away, Cathi noticed he was walking out of the parking lot. She asked him did he have a ride and he said no, he often walks from his house to the library...he lived just a few blocks away. Cathi told me that the cat was already giving this guy a really hard time, trying to get away, so she offered to drive the guy home. (Cathi told me she has seen this guy at the library a few times.) Since Cathi only lived a couple blocks away, she said she would go home and get her cat crate so they would be able to transport the cat. The guy said he would wait. When she and Jamie got back, the guy was sitting there waiting, still holding the cat. They managed to get the poor little scared thing into the crate, and they all got into Cathi's truck to take them home to the guy's house. The guy asked first if he could call his mom, cause she should know what he was bringing home. After the call, he and Cathi got to talking, and the guy was telling Cathi and Jame that he doesn't have a car, so walks a lot, and was saving his money to go and see his brother, who is graduating from the Marines soon. He said he (the guy) had had cancer a few years ago, but was in his 3rd year of remission. Cathi and Jamie started telling the guy that he reminded them of their brother/uncle, who had died of cancer just five years ago. Cathi told me that the guy was so much like Mike, and looked just like him when Mike came home from California with his tall mohawk and huge nose ring, and rescuing this scrawny scared cat was so much like a thing Mike would do. They chatted some more til they got to the guy's house. Cathi told me that she felt like she had known him forever. As she was leaving, the guy gave Cathi his phone number so she could call to come and pick up the cat crate the next day, and as she walked away, she looked at the paper and it was just a phone number, so she turned around and said "Oh, by the way, I didn't even get your name." "Oh, it's Mike." Of course. (Cathi told me that she and Jamie had never mentiond during any of this time that their brother/uncle's name was Mike.) Cathi said that by the time she got home, the sadness that had permeated her all day had softened and she felt somehow comforted. Me too.

I hope you all have a good evening, though there isn't much left to it. I am sorry for going on about what happened last Friday, but I just really needed to share. This Friday is looming, and I just needed to talk about it and perhaps soften the harsh reality of it. I know that Mike is with us, always, but I sure wish I could see him, touch him, hear his voice...just once.

Sending love and prayers and good thoughts to all, hoping that you might find something to smile about tomorrow, something that will lighten your heart just a little.

[mikesmomrs]

Dee: PS: Prayers for your friend that the demon of addiction will lose its powerful grip.

Karen: So glad to see your post...so sorry that you are in such a dark place. Sending love and strength to you, as always, sweet friend. Your Shawn's birthday is the same day that we last saw our Mike alive...days of rememberances, but please celebrate the day that brought your precious son to you and filled your life with the love you remember.

Lorri: My heart to Kody...poor baby.

[shorty16]

Hello my friends

Just a quick message to start my day off right.

I really try to be a positive person, but sometimes the loss of Brian is just overwhelming. I almost lament on what could-of and should-of been.

So sorry to see new members, but this is the place for understanding and a helping hand.

Susan - Shannon's Mom - LOVED the stories - Keep them coming

Polly - Chad's Mom

Dixie - Adrian's Mom

Others have told their story of losing their child, My Brian died in a completely preventable car crash on 6-19-2008. The legal system was involved with court hearings and victim's statements. It SUCKED. Now the driver is a convicted felon for killing one of his best friends (my son, Brian 16 at the time).

Now, I am just trying to live again in this new life without my son. I am happily married and we have 2 other children, now 21 and 17.

This is the hardest thing any of us have ever had to do. That is why I come back to this site. I cannot travel this road alone.

Weather is still great in Wisconsin.

Take care my friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Josie, I am so, so sorry for all the loss you've walked through. I can totally relate. I don't have time to get into the details right now but I wanted to post and let you know I know you're here. I'm so sorry you have reason to be, but you've come to the right place. Indeed, how does one get through so much loss! We do it one painful breath at a time. It is possible for you to see the light of day again and to feel joy once more. I know it is. I speak from experience. If you can't hold onto anything else right now, hold on to that. I know it's like grasping at clouds, a seemingly impossible task. If you are comfortable with it, please start talking to us. Let it all out through your fingertips. Tell us about your husband, about your son, about your newborn grandbaby. Just talk and talk and talk...and cry, sweet friend. Let the tears fall freely.

I have a busy schedule this morning, but just want to drop in to say hello to everyone. I'll be back to finish reading.

Much love!!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Carol - Wow - the story of the kitten, Cathi and "Mike" took my breath away! Your signs always do. Love you!

[ericasmom]

Josie, hold tight Sweetie, let us know all about your family and know that we are all here to assist.

Carol, Mike is working his wonderful magic and happily, your Daughter and Grandkids recognize the signs when they appear, as you have all along. WOnderfull story.

I know that you are aching for the date that means so many things to you and the whole family, but Mike is sending you messages and that communication is like diamonds from the sky.

Peace All

[Susie_q512]

I made it through yesterday surprisingly well. I am however struggling with motivation. It seems to take such great effort to do anything. My mind has been on the days prior to Shannon's death. As I remember little incidences, I think that somewhere in her subconsciousness or spirit, she knew she would not be with us much longer. Even the day of her death something incredible happened. Following her death some other things happened. I cannot share these things with many people as many do not believe the way I believe....they do not believe in spiritual things that go beyond what they have been taught. I am a "sensitive", but have not developed my gifts because I had so many bad experiences when I was younger. I simply set up barriers for protection. I now believe that Shannon had a few special gifts herself.

In the days prior to the accident:

> Her boyfriend said that she had been acting and saying things that were different. He told me that he was afraid something bad was going to happen.

>She was very helpful. She cleaned out her car, my car, her room, helped with the housework, was taking care of her dad...almost like she was getting things in order

>A few days before the accident, she sat on the couch with me and asked, "Mom, what do you think it's like when you die?". We talked about people who have had Near Death Experiences, the belief that the soul lives on and simply

leaves the physical body to live on a higher energy level. We spoke of Heaven and the great love that God has for us. She seemed at peace with what we had spoken about.

>She posted a status on facebook: "I have the prettiest mommy and sister, the funniest dad, a puppy who loves me, and my best-friend as my boyfriend. I may not be rich or famous, but I am happy with what God has given me."

>The day before her death she posted: "Memory Lane - Share a funny or happy memory of me."

>After cleaning her car, see wanted me to see how well she had done. She showed me a particular item - a pocket cross. She explained that her dad had given it to her. It was one that he had carried in his wallet for many years. She

read the poem, traced the cross with her finger, and said, "And this is where I keep it." She placed it inside a little open compartment above the ashtray.

>Her sister Ragan's birthday was on September 24th, but Shannon decided to make her birthday cupcakes the evening before her death. She celebrated her sister's birthday before she left this world with cupcakes and a movie night.

We didn't know it at the time, but she had decorated the 24th on the kitchen calendar with birthday stickers and a message that read: "Rae's 19th Birthday. I Love You" She had also drawn a heart underneath the message.

>She had been having bad dreams, but could never remember the details of them.

>she changed the screen saver on my computer to a beautiful picture of a girls arms outstretched in pouring rain. It reads: "Everybody wants happiness, nobody wants pain, but you can't have a rainbow without a little rain"

>Just days before the accident, we were listening to a song by Saftysuit in the car. It's called "Gone Away". I told her that I wanted it played at my funeral. She argued that she wanted it played at her funeral. We finally agreed to

"share" the song.

The day of the accident:

>I woke up feeling irritable. Couldn't pinpoint what was wrong. I just felt that the day sucked....it was just a bad day.

>She overslept, but when she awoke, she came to me and said that she had had a terrible dream in which her puppy Lexi had died. She said Lexi had been in a terrible accident. It was horrible... the worst thing ever. She got her

puppy and held her and kissed her and continued to tell me the same thing about this dream. I had a terrible and unsettling feeling about it. This dream disturbed her so much, that she mentioned it several times. I

asked if she could remember what kind of accident it was, but she only knew that Lexi had been killed in a terrible accident, and it was horrible and awful. Every time she mentioned this dream, that unsettling feeling would come

over me again.

>I have had premonitory dreams, but they are never about myself, always about someone close to me. So, I kept telling myself that she had had this type of dream, and someone close to her would be involved in an accident. I didn't

want to scare her, so I decided to wait until later to discuss it with her. I did however tell her to be very careful on her way to her babysitting job that day.

>We both left the house at about the same time. We did our usual goodbye ritual. I walked to my car, but stopped because I had that feeling again. I stood there watching her, feeling as though this was this last time I would see

my daughter. I chided myself for being silly and allowing the dream to unsettle me so much. Reminded myself that those kinds of dreams indicate something that will happen to someone connected to the person, but not the

person themselves. Still, I went back to her to hug her again, tell her I loved her, to be very careful. She was to go straight there and straight home...no going anywhere else. I just wanted her home and safe as soon as possible.

>I got in my car and started backing up to leave. I stopped behind her car and let down the passenger window. I called her name and she stopped what she was doing. I said, "I'm serious Shannon. You call me when you get there.

You call me when your are leaving. You come straight home. Don't stop by Dakota's. Don't go anywhere else. Straight there and straight back home. I mean it, Shannon. I love you." She giggled at me for worrying so much. She said

"Ok Mommy. Don't worry, I'll be careful. I won't go anywhere else. We'll watch movies when I get home. I love you too, Mommy." with that I pulled out of the driveway carrying with me that terrible feeling. It disturbed me so much that I

looked in my rear-view mirror to watch her coming out of the driveway heading in the opposite direction. I said a prayer asking God to watch over her....to please keep my baby safe. I had the urge to turn around and stop her, but my

phone rang....it was my husband and he told me he was driving a few hours away to pick up a part for his car. I became distracted with his call, because he is not supposed to be driving far from home due to his illness.

>I got to work feeling lousy. I remember a co-worker asking what was wrong. I stated that I didn't know....today just sucks....it's just a sucky day. I got a call that Shannon had not shown up at her babysitting job. No one had been

able to reach her. I used my cell phone to locate her, and the address given was very near our home. It didn't make sense. I think that I knew at that moment what had happened. I left work, and as I was pulling out of the parking

lot, I called 911. I told them that she was missing, had not reported for work, no one could reach her, and the address that the locator had given me. I asked if there had been an accident report called in for that area. I asked if they

would send officers to that location to search for her. I was on the phone repeatedly with 911 during my drive to the scene. I knew it was bad...I think I knew she was gone, but kept hoping and pleading with God. I finally arrived at the

scene, and before they let me past the road block, I knew. It was a terrible accident. There were so many police and sheriffs and firetrucks and the ambulance wasn't moving. It's lights and siren was off...all sirens were off. I was

allowed to follow an officer away from traffic and onlookers. I was told to wait, the sheriff was on his way to talk to me. He and a Chaplin and another officer approached me. I was demanding to know, yet didn't want to hear the words.

Once I was better under control, they took me to the actual scene. I saw her car...it's an image that will never leave my mind. I was able to see her in the ambulance, but all that was exposed was a small area of her face...just a little

oval. They did their best to protect me from seeing and experiencing the horror of her injuries. An officer had gone and gotten my daughter Ragan. They didn't want her driving. My heart broke again when I heard her screams...over and

over and over. She did get herself together enough to see her sister for a few minutes before they had to take her away.

>The day of the accident, Rae was feeling very happy. She stated that something was going to happen to ruin her day: Either something is going to happen to my dad, or my sister is going to die.

>At 2:39pm, the time of the accident, her Grandmother heard a scream....she was the only one at home. It disturbed her and she looked at the clock...it was 2:39

After the accident:

>The next morning I went to the accident scene...it's only a mile from our home. I was picking up pieces of her car....whatever I could find. I had walked up and down the sidewalk, nothing was left; I had picked up everything in that

location. I stopped and looked around, talking to Shannon and God. I hung my head in my hands and wept. I finally opened my eyes, and there between my feet lay the Guardian Angel poem that hung from her rear-view mirror. The

golden string was draped around the top of my left foot with the poem laying between my feet. A gentleman stopped and approached me within moments of me finding the poem. He said that he arrived on the scene right after the

accident had occurred. He told me that she was peaceful, no suffering. He prayed over her and stayed with her until EMT's arrived. She had passed just after he got to her, but still he stayed with her. I met another person who arrived

just after the accident. She told me the same thing: No suffering, only peacefulness. She also stayed with my girl until authorities arrived.

>At the graveside service, as soon as the first song began playing, a butterfly flew over the crowd and came to her father, Rae and myself. If hovered between the three of us, going back and forth until it finally flew away. It stayed around

the people there for quite a while....just flying around and between people.

>Rae has had two visitations from her in the form of dreams since the accident. Both carried distinct messages. The first, she is okay and Rae will be okay. The second was in relation to had she survived the accident. She would have

been trapped in a body that no longer worked. The dream ended with Shannon's spirit being released. She began to ascend into Heaven. A man bathed in white radiant light appeared before Rae and began to ascend with Shannon.

>A strange knocking sound has occurred with me twice in the bathroom. We've lived in this house for 15 years, and I've never heard this rhythmic beating before. The second time it happened I asked, "Shannon, is this you?". The

sound immediately stopped, and I haven't heard it since.

>I walked into the house leaving Rae and her dad on the back deck. As I was going from the kitchen to the living room I heard a female voice and laughter. It sounded as though it were coming from the hallway, just outside the girl's

bedrooms, but no one was there. I went back outside and asked Rae if she had anyone that had stayed the night with her. Her answer was no....it was just us at the house.

>One night, Jeff's TV kept going off. This has never happened before, and nothing he tried fixed the problem. Every time he got it back on, it would go off. I tried to explain that it might be Shannon as spirits often interfere with electrical

stuff, but he is not open to these beliefs.

>I had been trying for days to unlock her phone for the investigation. The first thought when a teen has an accident is that they were texting. Finally, I prayed to God and Shannon to help me figure the code out stating the importance of

the information needed. Withing moments, I had it unlocked. The code was the year of her birth....she never used her birthday as a security code, yet this time she had.

>Many people had searched her car trying to find the pocket cross. Finally, a friend got the car released and towed to him with the intention of taking the car apart until it was found. When it arrived, he checked the passenger side which

was too damaged to really search. He then checked the driver's side with no luck. He removed himself from the car, and as he was pulling the tarp back over that side to cover it, sunlight shown into the car and reflected off of

something. He looked inside to see what it was reflecting off of, and it was the pocket cross. He brought it to us that night.

>Other things have happened since her death....much to much to mention everything. It brings me comfort knowing that God allows our loved ones to continue to communicate and have relationships with us.

I do regret not paying closer attention to her dream and the feeling I had that day. I do play the "IF ONLY" over and over, but I have to believe in the sovereignty of God. I have to believe in an appointed time of birth and death. I have to believe that there is nothing I could have done differently to have prevented this from happening....I would go mad if I did not make this choice to believe.

No tears so far today. Just kind of blah and irritable....maybe anger will find me soon. I wish the tears would come. Think I would feel that I am reacting a little more "normal" if they did. Right now, I am just waiting for it to find me and hoping it doesn't consume me. I am sad. I miss my girl. I want her back....but no tears today.....I wonder why that is?

Thanks for letting me share....really hope I haven't offended anyone else's beliefs, and hoping I don't come across as the "crazy woman".

Susan - Shannon's Mom