Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest msnher]

Susan, if you haven't already done it, you might consider saving what you wrote so you can read it further down the road. I read every word. Thank you for sharing. I believe, too.

[aim630]

Susan -I just lost a long post, but basically what I said is the same as Sussanah. I believe too. Ashley told me and several other people the summer before she died that she felt she would not live to be 25. I believe Shannon wants you to know she is ok.

Carol-Thinking of you as Mike's angel date approaches. Boy he sure knows how to send you and your family signs!

Josie-I am sorry for all the loss and grief you've had recently. Just know we are here for you.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[daveydow1]

YIKES !! I'm really behind with the posts......can't catch up.

Sorry for all the new people coming to BI. Sorry for your loss, but want to welcome you to

this site. It has been a lifeline for many.

Betty----Good to see your posts, friend.

Colleen------The sunflower seeds are probably tasting really good to the birds.....especially

the blue jays. We haven't seen many birds at our sunflowers by the back patio yet, but

with bad weather coming, it probably won't be long til we see them.

Lor-----Glad to see that Kody is getting out some. Of course it takes awhile to recover

from the shock of a breakup. Good parents with lots of love, like you & your husband will help a lot.

Sus----How's Claws coming along? OK I hope. My kitty is not doing too well......a bit sluggish, but

she still eats OK, and seems alright otherwise. She is old (15).

Dee----Nice that jon is going to Fla. to see lots of friends & relatives. I've been so busy with a lot

of things lately.....stuff that needs taken care of. Took a walk back to the woods along the cornfield.

The corn is all dry now, and has a creaky-type sound when the breezes blow the leaves. The deer

have neatly cleaned up nearly all of the fallen chestnuts. Haven't seen them for the past few days.

Pam-----Sorry I'm late with this.........HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, DEAR ANDY.

PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest msnher]

Amy, I love seeing Ashley's face!

Sherry, Claws is thriving! He is litter box trained already - hurray! His cold seems completely gone and he has found his appetite. Our family now revolves around this 1.5 pound feline. He seems to be accepting his leadership role with a shrug. Shelby, on the other hand, tolerates him but doesn't like him. (Shelby's our dog) I'm sorry your cat is not doing so well. Have you had him since he was a kitten?

[lolynbo]

I DONT NO HOW TO DEAL WITH SUICIDE...SO I WONT EVEN BEGIN TO TELL YOU HOW TO HANDLE IT...I JUST NO YOU NEED LOTS OF PRAYERS AND THE BOYS NEED LOTS OF HUGGS....

AND FOR THE OTHER MOM WITH THE "IF ONLYS"..(SORRY IM SOOOO BAD WITH NAMES)....WE CANT IF ONLY IT WILL IF ONLY US TO DEATH...

HUGGS TO ALL, SO MANY SAD STORIES/LIVES/ LIVES LOST......

THIS IS KOURTNEYS FRIENDS LIL BOY, THE DAY HE WAS BORN NOT LONG BEFORE SHE DIED, SHE WAS AT THE HOSP WAITING ON HIM TO COME, AND WHEN HE DID SHE KNOCKED EVERYONE OUT OF THE WAY TO HOLD HIM FIRST, THIS INCLUDED THE GRANNY AND AUNT....HOW PRECIOUS IS THIS...HOPE IT POSTS...

[mikesmomrs]

Five years ago tonight, we watched our son sing "happy birthday" to his dad by only mouthing the words. Mike had lost his voice sometime earlier that afternoon. After the song was over, Mike held up his thumb as if to say "I did it!" On Mike's birthday in August, he and his dad discussed which goal he should strive for next (we knew at this time that Mike didn't have much time left...the other tumor had already shown up and there was no surgery possible). They decided that Mike should try to make it to his dad's birthday. He did. His dad was so proud of him...we all were. Two days later, Mike was gone. His dad's birthday is tonight. I know that Mike is with him...we went out today and saw not one, but three yellow VW's...each one seen as a result of last minute changes in our planned route.

When I went to print out Ralph's card on our card program, the first one that came up was addressed to "Michael." I accidently clicked on an "invitation to a party" card, and the sample read "Come to a party for Mike Johnson." How can a heart be so broken, and still feel such joy? It is indeed a mystery.

Another HUGE birthday present for Ralph is the fact that his labs are finally down where the doctors wanted them to be when he had his kidney taken out last year. They had hoped for 2.0 - 2.5, and it never got lower than 3.33, until this week. It is now down to 2.30!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is feeling better than he has since his surgery, and he has lost a total of 135 lbs (or maybe 140, I forget).

Take care all, sending love to each and every one of you!

[lolynbo]

OH CAROL HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGS

[ericasmom]

Susan, I have always believed and have had dreams before r Eri's death that let me know something was coming, something very bad. I have had reams after Eri left that were letting me know that she is in her words, " more than fine..." and in fact 4 girlfriends of hers all had the same type of dream in a span of 3 days, all of the girls in different states, (colleges) and in those dreams, eri said, " she was more than fine." In th e8 years since we last held each other's hands, many spiritually wonderful happenings have happened, a magic of sorts that lets me feel my Girl and her companionship. I miss her so much, but she is right here. Thanks for sharing your magical stories..

[mikesmomrs]

Susan: Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with feeling the spirit of your sweet daughter and the many things that happened before and following her leaving this earth. I believe that our ability to make it from one day to the next, or even one minute to the next when necessary, is greatly aided by all of the experiences we each have had since our child left this earth.

I have been looking over some of my earlier posts and realized that there certainly has been a lot of healing since October 14, 2006, almost five years ago. The pain is still there, will always be there; the missing is eternal as well, but the memories come more often now with more sweetness, more of a gift now, than a torment. I am so thankful for all of our memories...they truly keep my heart beating. I found an email from a friend who used to post on BI but hasn't in quite a while. Debbie...she lost her precious daughter Pippa and grandson Kieran in October of ,...she and I wrote emails to each other for some time, as we each moved through our grief, at a time when it was so new and raw and consuming. Debbie created a movie from some of Mike's photos, on his first angelversary. I watched it tonight, the first time in a while, and once again felt the warmth and caring and understanding that went into this process. I thank you again, Debbie, for this gift.

You may watch the movie by clicking HERE

[ericasmom]

Carol, I watched the movie Debbie created right before my walk, there are tears. It was raining during my walk, like our tears, wetting down the sidewalks, the leaves shiny under the streetlights, our tears leaving a path from where we begin to each place from there onward. As you face your 5 year mark of Mike's leaving, I know that your tears are welling and falling, salt stain on your cheeks, and love forever bonding you all to MIKE.

Susan, time has been so busy these last weeks, teach third grade with a large class, many events on the weekends that prevent me more time here, but boy, your posts of the magical events that preceded your Girl's accident and proceeded her death are very much like what I experienced with Erica's leaving. I am grateful for the magic that I felt and still feel, as it does affirm the beliefs that I hold dear and I remember posting so long ago when a surge of new people joined, there is magic in that loss. When we mine our hearts and memories, we see some of it laid out like gold nuggets.

May this day behold great findings-

[Guest msnher]

Carol - A true gift of love from Debbie! The video broke my heart and warmed it at the same time.

I had no clue anything bad was going to happen the day Stephanie died. Not for one second. Not even when I got the call to get to the hospital. Even when the doctor told me my daughter died I fully expected to find her waiting for me to take her home.

[Susie_q512]

Through the loss of Shannon, we have met a gentleman who lost his son 6 months ago. It was a sudden and unexpected loss....he was struck by an oncoming vehicle as he tried to cross the expressway to get help after he had an accident. This gentleman is very kind, but he is in a very angry place at this time. He visited with us last night for about 3 hours....don't think he had intended to stay that long. We spoke, but mostly I just let him talk. It seemed that he just needed to be heard. I am unsure as to how I am supposed to be of any comfort to him when he is so angry. He has asked if I would be willing to meet his wife as she has no others in her life who have lost a child. I agreed that I would meet with her if she is willing to speak with me. Hoping someone on this site may have some advise on handling this gentleman's anger so that I do not cause him more heartache. He kept mentioning how alone he feels. It seems no one else in his family is experiencing anger at this time, and his anger may be too much for them to bear while experiencing their own grief.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[Chads Mom]

Good Morning All..

I guess I am a little bit dense but it took me a little longer to see the “signs” Chad sends me. It was suggested by the hospice team we start making “arrangements” for Chad while he was in the hospital so I had my Mother help me write his Obit. In it we wrote “Chad found enjoyment in things that cannot be bought "Love, Life & Laughter". Shortly after he passed away I started seeing this saying everywhere. I was in a restaurant not feeling my best and ready to cry when I looked up they had those three words in a picture. Just 3 weeks ago My husband took me to a market festival in Park City and he found a bracelet with those three words and bought it for me. I just couldn’t believe it. It was like Chad was there with us. It just took me a bit longer to see these things………..

Hopefully It's okay to paste a link in here if not I apologize, This is Chad's Obit: Chad Atkinson

I wanted to again thank all of you here for being who you are and surviving this misery to help the newly lost and bewildered.

You are all so amazing to take the time each day to check in, to read, to cry, and to care for each other in only the way other child loss parents can do for each other.

I feel I can truly say you all understand where I am at in all this. Those of you a bit further in this journey should give yourselves a pat on the back and I am sure your angels are all very proud of you for finding the courage to take your own pain and reach out to others and make a difference.

It's really an emotional roller coaster to read about all of you and your children. I must admit I have had to take several time outs in order to proceed. Just when I think I have it under control I read something else and my heart breaks all over again.

Lorri: I just wanted to say the picture you posted was so beautiful it made me cry. Your daughters marker is just gorgeous. When they finally placed Chad’s marker at the end of August it was beautiful but it also made it so much more final. I was still trying to pretend he had gone to camp.

[lolynbo]

Lorri: I just wanted to say the picture you posted was so beautiful it made me cry. Your daughters marker is just gorgeous. When they finally placed Chad’s marker at the end of August it was beautiful but it also made it so much more final. I was still trying to pretend he had gone to camp.

CHADS MOM,

I ORDERED KOURTNEYS HEADSTONE WITHIN WEEKS OF HER DEATH...HAD SO MANY IDEAS FOR IT IN MY HEAD I HAD TO GET THEM OUT...BUT YES VERY FINAL...THE LAST GIFT WE CAN GIVE...THE BACK ISDEDICATED TO HER WEDDING HAS HER WEDDING PIC ON IT AND HER WEDDING DATE..BRENT AND HER NAME IN HEARTS...AND HIS "MY ONE TRUE LOVE"....COURSE HES REMARRIED BUT I THINK (OR I HAVE TO THINK THAT MY ANGEL WAS HIS ONE TRUE LOVE...KEEPS ME GOING.....HER BENCH IS BLACK AS WELL AND SAYD HER NAME ON TOP...AND ON THE FRONT SAYS "EVERYBODYS GIRL"...CUZ EVERONE SAID SHE WAS THIERS/THEIR GIRL.....AND ON THE CURVE OF THE BACK IT SAYS "THINK OF ME IN EVERY FLOWER THAT BLOOMS".....SILLY STUFF I NO. BUT ITS MY HEART TO MY ANGEL...

BUT YES I LOVE THAT LIL BOY KISSN HER...SHE LOVED HIM VERY MUCH..SHE DIDNT GET TO SPEND MUCH TIME WITH HIM BUT I GUESS SHE WATCHES OVER HIM NOW...

IF YOU WLD POST A PIC OF CHADS WHEN YOUR READY...ID LOVE TO SEE IT

KOURTNEY HOLDING THE LIL BOY KISSN HER...AND MY 3 KIDS THE ONLY WAY TO GET THEM IN A PIC TOGETHER NOW, AND FRONT OF BENCH..

[lolynbo]

I DONT NO IF I TOLD YAL MAYBE I DID...

MAY IS BRAIN CANCER AWARENESS MONTH, AS OF MAY 2008 IT HAS BE RECOGNIZED FOR THIS...KOURTNEY DIED A MONTH LATER...BUT ANYWAYS IM HAVING A SHIRT MADE THAT SAYS

"GOING GREY IN MAY, FOR BRAN CANCER AWARENESS MONTH, IN MEMORY OF KOURTNEY LYNN BRACKETT-CARGAL"....

I DONT NO IF I ACTUALY THOUGHT OF THIS, BUT MY LIL BRAIN DID...SO I FEEL I DID.I NO I DIDNT READ IT ANYWHERE CUZ I DONT READ...

JUST WANTED TO SHARE

[shorty16]

Chad's Mom

After Scott and I were married (6-25-1988), we moved to Ogden, Utah. Scott had a job with the Shopko chain of stores. All 3 of our children were born in Utah (Kiddingly, I call then Utards).

After Michelle was born (1990), we bought a home in Harrisville, Utah. Brian and Aaron were born when we lived there. We moved back to Wisconsin in 1994; Aaron celebrated his 1st birthday in WI.

I am sharing this with you, because I am wondering if you know these areas, I see you are from Utah?

Also, one thing I try to share with newbies is to ask them to try to find one thing today that makes you smile - even if for a second. Looking for smiles and happiness is what we have to practice. Happiness does not come running down the stairs to us anymore.

Love to you

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[andy88]

Hello Friends,

I had a very awkward encounter in the grocery store on Monday. I went to have Andy's balloons blown up. The lady behind the counter was very sweet and chatty.So it went like this:

Lady: Oh are these for an NC State party (they were red and white)?

Me: No, they're for a birthday

Lady: Whose birthday?

Me: My son's

Lady: How old is he

Me: 23 (I didn't want her to feel bad for asking, so I just gave his age)

Lady: Any other children?

Me: No, just the one

Lady: I have only one as well

Lady: Is he married?

Me: No

Lady: My son just had a baby!! It's the best thing...you'll see, it's just the best. Are you excited about being a grandmother some day? (Oh dear, we're getting into dangerous territory...what to do?)

Me: Oh, I'm sure it is the best and I would love to be a grandmother

Lady, Does your son live with you?

At this point, I felt disingenous continuing the story, so I said "Well, actually my son passed away a few months ago, but we're going to have a celebration for his birthday.

She felt AWFUL, and I felt awful because she felt so bad. I kept saying, "it's ok, I love talking about him. Really!" I felt like I handled it totally wrong. Should I have just said he's deceased right up front? Should I have kept up the story as if he was alive? People feel so bad for asking, so I try to protect them and myself from having to deal with their embarrassment.

How do the rest of you deal with situations like this? Hope you had a wonderful day!

Pam

[daveydow1]

Pam-----I think that you handled the conversation with the lady in the store very well.

As for whether to tell her up front that your Andy had passed away.......you probably

thought that the conversation/questions may not go any further. There was no way

for you to know, so I think that you handled the situation with grace. I, too, had a

conversation with a lady in a thrift store when I signed the slip for the bank card

charges. She saw my name as I had signed, and said......"do you know Dave George?"

I said that I had a son with that name, but that he was killed in a wreck several years

ago. She said nothing further, and I didn't either. It wasn't awkward or anything......we

just both dropped it. These situations do come up now & then, though. You handled

your conversation well.

Sus----glad to hear that "Claws" is eating & doing better. My old cat is a bit under the

weather, but still with us for now. When pets are old, one can expect anything to happen.

I dread the day I have to put her to sleep, or she dies at home........she was with us when

Davey was living with us, and they were great friends. He would play with her late at

night when he came home from working the 3-11 shift. Thanks for the great pic. They

look so happy.

I'm so sorry to see new people here........Polly, Susan, Dixie. Please come back to BI.

There's a lot of compassion and understanding here.

Carol-----I had a big lump in my throat when reading your post about Mike mouthing the words

of Happy Birthday to his dad. How very touching, and bittersweet this must be for you & Ralph.

I'm sure Mike will be smiling down on his dad's birthday.

DANIELLE........DANIELLE.........SWEET DANIELLE. SAYING YOUR NAME, & REMEMBERING.

Sonya------Thoughts and prayers for you, friend. I miss you.

Dee------Rainy & gloomy here, although not cold. I walked around the streets of a nearby small town...

taking in the afternoon browsing the antique stores and having a 'solitary' lunch at a little coffee

shop. I seemed to be the only one on the streets.........everyone else whizzing by in cars. Went to

the graveyard to collect the things off the graves because fall cleanup is in a few days. Sky was

all gray & threatening rain, but it held off until later when I was already back home. I made peanut

butter cookies.

PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Pam I thoroughly agree with Sherry, you handled it very nicely. There was no way to know how far th econversation would go, we are not mind readers. What probably has resulted is the woman thinking more deeply about assuming things, you helped in a very gentle way, teach someone that balloons don't always mean what we associate them with and that just because her Boy does have a child does not mean that all of our Sons and Daughters will. I do think you helped this woman to be more sensitive to the possibilities that are out in the world and that is not a bad thing. I toohave had several occasions in which there was an awkward moment but I figure that each awkward moment we have saves someone else from it later. It is okay to be the one to lay the ground work for others.

Sherry, I can practically smell your peanut butter cookies. I like your quiet day today, I love those days where everyone else is whizzing by but I am able to take my time and meander. Did you see anything in the shops that you wanted?

[Guest msnher]

I agree with Dee and Sherry, Pam. I think you handled it perfectly. That reminds me of the conversation Dee had with a friend who didn't know Eri had died and when she found out she said something to the effect, "Well, you could have knocked me down with a train" or something like that....and Dee was privately begging, please don't ask...because Dee felt so bad for the woman...but, the woman did ask "how did she die?" I hope you don't mind me telling it, Dee...hopefully you will make the corrections.

Shortly after Stephanie died - a few months, maybe - I ran into a friend who I hadn't seen for a while but we had the same friends so I was sure she knew Steph had died. We were catching up on each other's lives , while I silently wondered why she hadn't mentioned Stephanie thinking maybe it was too uncomfortable for her, when she finally asked, with a bright smile..."and, how is Stephanie doing? How are her kids? Is she still married?" Several questions all at once. It broke my heart to tell her. She broke down sobbing right there in the middle of the cafe'. I just held her as she continued to sob and say how sorry she was.

We handle each situation as it comes up.

[nicksdad]

[ericasmom]

Yes Sus, it was in a store just a few months after Eri died, the woman owned the store and she asked me how my kids were. I think then that I said, Oh Erica died and she siad, oh my gosh, you could have slammed me with a train. At that point I wished I could do anything but tell her that Eri was killed by being slammed by a train...but it was unavoidable as she asked what happened to ERi? I told her too, don't feel badly please, but she was hit by a train.

The woman folded, she was so embarrased by the expression she used. Personally, I do hate it that so many people say things like, "what a train wreck that was..." but of course I am sensitive to those words.

Yesterday, after school I scooted home fast to change and go to the funeral home, same one that Eri was in and the same room too. Her Grandmom Betty lay in the same spot that ERi was and we sat from 4:00 until 7:00 and then to a dinner across the street. The dinner was in the banquet room that the deposition was held when Amtrak came to depose us. SO the whole night was filled with sad memories, and happy too. Betty was 90, she was a very good Grandmom. Now she is with Erica, and with Michael, Betty's Son, and with her husband Max who died 10 years ago. Erica's name was brought up a lot and all day long today I felt so much nostalgia. Even telling that story above about the store owner seems to pack an extra punch. How in the world do we find ourselves here?

Night to you all,

dee

[hotrod]

Mike,Mike, Mike, Mike

On This Special Day,

Touch Mom , Dad,and Your Sweet Children

with the Warmth of Your Gentle Spirit.

[Susie_q512]

I have come to believe that shock and numbness helps shield one from the enormity of the incomprehensible.

My logic tells me the truth, but my heart refuses to accept it...it runs, it hides, it trembles in fear of the

inevitability of being found.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[mikesmum]

To all, am finding it hard to write uplifting words that might in any way soothe this ache that stays forever.

Dee - Hardest days, so many triggers to a time that you would sooner not have lived through... to be now sitting across from Eri just chewing the fat on her day.....ahhh.

Carol - I know your boy is around you, in fact I feel that he never truly left. Another difficult day. Thinking of you Ralph Cathi and Kim and of course those handsome reminders of a great guy....

Been working harder on 'living' in my new normal. Meditation one on one classes seem to be re adjusting my inability to fall to sleep.

Peace out

[mikesmomrs]

Reading over Mike's memorial tonight, I came across this that I had put there, so long ago, and yet, only yesterday...

"At the finest level of my being, you're still with me. We still look at each other, at the level beyond sight. We talk and laugh with each other, in a place beyond words. We still touch each other, on a level beyond touch. We share time together in a place, where time stands still. We are still together, on a level called love. But I cry alone for you, in a place called reality." Richard Lepinsky

I cannot fathom the time he has been gone, neither its endlessness, nor its sometimes perceived brevity. My mind cannot accept either. My heart knows better than to even try. We miss you so very, very much, Mike, my son--always remembering you, always speaking of you, so thankful to be shown so many times in so many ways that you are near, always near. I have cried endless tears throughout this night...my mind is tired, my eyes burn, yet, I cry. How can there be so many tears left still?

Mike's memorial web address is: http://james-michael.virtual-memorials.com

[mikesmomrs]

Karen: thinking of you today...may your treasured son, Shawn, surround you with the sweetest of memories. Hold close the memory of his entrance into your life, always hold close that memory. Let it shine for you today.

SHAWN...

SHAWN...

SHAWN

Forever remembered, forever loved. Celebrate with all of our angels, this day that so long ago brought such joy to your mom...the day of your birth.

[Guest msnher]

"Mom, Dad...I know five years seems like an eternity from your perspective, but from my perspective I never left."

Holding you and Ralph close in thought in heart, Carol. Your daughters and grandchildren are also in the forefront of my prayers.

I love you! Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[kmb22]

Mike...Mike....Mike

Carol and Ralph My thoughts, heart and love are with you....Holding you close today. May Mike send you special heart and wrap his love around you today and always.
 

[westleysmom]

MIKE-I imagine you are listening to Cake and remembering singing "Going the Distance" with Cathi and cracking up laughing. You are always in the hearts of your Mom and Dad and Sarah and Boys and Sisters and all who love you.

Carol-My husband thinks that song is hysterical and now every time I hear it, I see Mike and Cathi happy and alive. We keep our angels alive in our memories and hearts. Sending you all big hugs and hope that the day brings you a happy memory and a smile.

[mikesmomrs]

Karen: I am such an idiot...it is right there in front of me...I saw it, read it, but saw it as 8/14...my brain is not working this week, at all. And my heart is working overtime. Thank you for your thoughts.

thank you everyone. I am a mess right now, but will check back later.

[lolynbo]

HEAVEN DOES HAVE TXTN

AS I TOLD YAL MY BFF DIED FROM BRAIN CANCER AND MORE JAN 08', SHE DIED 3 MONTHS AFTER THEY FOUND IT, WELL HER NAME IS DELMA.....KIMBERLY WAS TXTING THE OTHER DAY AND WAS TYPING THE WORK "FROM"...AND WHEN SHE GOT TO THE "O" AND THE PREDICTIVE TXT TOOK OVER AND IT CHANGED THE WORD TO "DELMA"...NOW WE ALL NO KIMMY HAS TXTD FROM A MILLION TIMES....BUT I JUST WANTED YAL TO NO THAT THEY DO HAVE TXTN IN HEAVEN......THERE IS NO WAY TO EXPLAIN IT CUZ KIMBERLY SAID I "DONT EVEN THINK IVE EVER TXTD THE NAME DELMA BEFORE , AND HOW DOES FROM BECOME DELMA"....

MIKE MIKE MIKE MIKE MIKE MIKE MIKE ...

[kmb22]

Oh Carol please don't be concerned and you are so NOT an idiot. Trust me I have a list and you certainly aren't on it I Love you my friend. <3

[dwsmithrn]

mike....mike....mike....thinking of you today and hoping you are holding your mom and dad so very close...let them feel your love today...

carol and ralph.....i have you in my arms and close to my heart...thinking of you today (and always) love you, diane

[dwsmithrn]

karen.....holding you oh so close as we remember and love shawn.....your precious boy shawn.....he must be celebrating with all the angels in heaven today.....and showing his love to you today.....(((huggs))) to you....love you, diane

[Chads Mom]

Carol: Sending good thoughts and a warm ((hug)) your way. May you and your family feel your beautiful son Mike’s spirit in your heart and may it bring you comfort today.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Colleen: That is so funny because in our family we have always referred to ourselves as "Utards" and yes I am very familiar with Ogden and Harrisville. I think my favorite thing about Utah are the beautiful mountains.

Lorri: Thank you for sharing the pictures of your daughter. What a beautiful tribute you have made for her.

Polly--Chad's Mom

[dwsmithrn]

i miss you all...i am in arkansas with my brother and sister-in-law and the weather is beautiful and i am having a good time and it is sooo easy to be myself...no fake fronts...no fake smiles....it is ok to talk or not...it is so easy to smile or cry....it is ok. i can be what ever i need to be. i am comfortable here. they have 12 beautiful acres of land, woods, pond, flowers and my SIL made a 'nathan bed' with flowers and seedlings yet to grow....how sweet is that? i am really ok here....i could stay here for a long while and find a place to just 'be'....but, we have to go home on sunday....today is the ugly 'friday', i have shed some tears and listened to the songs that make me sad and cry, but they also help me purge my soul....andi know it's 'ok' to cry...i think i am doing as well as i can be for a friday and away from home and also for 8 1/2 months. there is no other way i can be.....sad and alone and depressed and missing my child. my heart is broken, but it finds a way to keep on beating. how, i don't know, but it does.....the black cloud still follows me around, but i am hoping that someday it will lift and i will see the sun shine....

my hope for you all is the sun will shine and your cloud will lift....love and peace to all....diane

[ericasmom]

MIKE-MIKE-MIKE-

For all of the love you hold so carefully in your heart and shared so generously with your Beloved Family, for all of the ways you Shine on Your Family and therefore on us all, we say your name and it is music, you are music to our spirits, a healing tune that lets us know that you are more than alright...you are healed. I know that you must smile on all of the ways your Family keeps you close-wearing your love and their love for you like a blanket. Please continue to watch over them as they make their way through this very hard day, a day that marks your leaving. They miss you but they know you are with them all of the days.

Carol Dear, I know how hard this number is, how otherworldly it feels to have 5 years associated with Mike being gone, but I know that you will feel his peace later today or tomorrow and once again, start another year counting time and as always your mystically magically wonderful Son will be sending you hearts and pennies and messages from his new home in the sky.

[daniellemom]

Hello everyone! It's been a long while since I've been able to post. Sorry I will never be able to catch up, but I am going to say I've missed everyone so much and forgot how much each of you help me each day. I've felt disconnected and now I know why.

Thank you all so much for thinking and sending prayers my way on the 11 of October. Again, you are all so wonderful people.

To the new parents on this site. I'm so sorry you have to be here, but it's the place that will allow you to say what you want about your child(ren) and never get the looks, or come backs that have you saying, "What did she just say".

Carol,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and Ralphie today. I know Mike will show you and his family he is still right here with you.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[shorty16]

Hello my Friends

Just wanted to stop in and say HELLO to everyone. I am driving to Fon Du Lac tonight to pick-up my neice, Leah (15).

We are all going to the Wisconsin Badgers Football game this Saturday, 11am CST.

Watch for us, we will be the ones in RED!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Diane

I am so happy you can be yourself at your brothers. That is a very special thing!!!! Some of us do not get that with family.

Enjoy your time, your brother and SIL are special people.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[andy88]

Mike Mike Mike

Saying your beautiful name and hoping you are having a big party in heaven! Please watch over your loved ones today...

[daveydow1]

MIKE.........MIKE.....MIKE........REMEMBERING YOU ON YOUR ANGEL DAY, AND ALWAYS.

Carol------such wonderful and touching words from Mike's memorial. His beautiful spirit will

always remain in your hearts & souls,.... for his children, you & Ralph, and the rest of the family.

Sonya----So good to see Danielle's lovely smile shining out.

Diane-----Glad that you are enjoying Arkansas and all the nice weather.

Sus----You are so right......we handle those awkward, and sometimes painful, situations as

they come along......and they DO come along. No way to know exactly how we might react

because we can't know in advance what is being asked, or said, by someone else. You

handled the situation in the cafe with grace and kindness.

Dee----While I browsed, and browsed in the antique stores, seeing all sorts of collectibles and

old things, I didn't buy anything or even see anything that tempted me.....I'm glad to say. I have

quite enough "stuff" around home now. . Sorry to hear of ERi's Gram, Betty's , passing. I'm

sure that the wake and dinner afterward was a bittersweet experience, and as you say.......she

is now with Eri, Mike, and her dear husband. I, so, know what you mean about people using

the expression......"a trainwreck". An expression that grips & squeezes your heart. There is some music group (country & western, I think) that is named----"Asleep at the Wheel". I cringe every time I hear that. If only they knew that instead of the name being humorous......to some, it serves as a painful reminder of a tragedy to others. Just a very poor choice of name, I think....kind of stupid.

PEACE & PRAYERS FOR ALL INDIGOS..........ESPECIALLY FOR ALL THE PARENTS

NEW TO THIS SITE.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[jeana]

Its been 3 weeks now since I lost my 22 year old son, Levi. I miss him more everyday. He still lived at home with me. HIs father died on Christmas day, last year. We had been married for 28 years. People might think this is weird, but for the 1st couple of months after losing my husband, my son slept with me because I couldn't sleep alone. When you are used to sleeping with someone for 28 years, its hard not to have them there. But losing my husband was nothing compared to

losing my son. My worst nightmare came true. My sister n law wrote this in memory of my son. It makes me cry everytime I read it, but it is so beautiful.

Live For Levi

At 3 am when I’m awake

it’s you I’m thinking of

as tears roll down my face.

I need to find a way to escape

this broken place.

So many ask, "how is Mark", and forget,

how much I loved you too.

I try to be strong for them, but

break down on an unexpected few.

People don’t understand you were

struggling, with your heart and mind.

You let go to search for what

you felt you needed to find.

We are left here confused and lost,

asking ourselves what we could’ve

done, and would have, no matter the cost.

I look around for you, expecting you

to come walking in, but you don’t.

I go to call you to hear your voice,

and realize, I wont.

I came across your name

on my phone list,

and it was like being slapped.

It’s like I’m in a bad place,

I can’t get out, I’m trapped.

I see your truck going thru town.

For an instant I’m excited, then

realize again you’re not in it,

I hit the ground.

Looking thru pictures over the years,

all the things we did with you,

it kills me to know you wont be here

to do those things with Dx3.

I could choose to crawl in a hole

and continue to let the sorrow

tear up my soul.

But because you were full of life,

with that grin and twinkle in your eye,

I will stop feeling guilty every time

I smile or laugh.

Instead, I will live life fuller because...

I choose to live for Levi!

By Aunt Gayle

in memory of my nephew, Levi

[ericasmom]

I love Levi's name, and I love the poem you posted in his honor. Sweet Levi, may you find your peace now.

Three weeks is an eternity to live without your child and yet it is 3 weeks, a tiny piece of time. Oh the abstraction time becomes when one misses their CHILD. I will pray that you receive some messages from your Boy. Be kind to yourself, this is new terrain for you and you may need an extra hand.

Sherry, yes, I have too many 'things' that I don't really need but have accumulated anyhow. Yep, alseep at the wheel is the same kind of thing, both of these hold so much ache for those of us involved.

[Guest msnher]

Josie - What a heartfelt poem from your sister in law. You have such devastating losses in such a short amount of time. Be gentle with yourself. Not only are your emotions in for one hell of a roller coaster ride, but your body is, too. No doubt about it, grief is physical. Please rest when you can, eat as best you can and don't push yourself beyond your capability.

Carol, I know today was especially difficult on your family this year. You have not once left my thoughts. Sending strength and light.

Karen, I SO wish I were there to go with you tomorrow night! Just don't forget what I said...ask yourself what would Susannah do and then do the complete opposite. Call if you need to - or want to - anytime. You know I'm sitting on pins and needles waiting to hear. I pray the angels over you. I pray you be protected in the white light of Christ (it makes me feel better to say it, or in this case type it, outloud). I pray Shawn's presence be tangible. Please do right by your mother, Shawn! Please make them do right by her! Argh! Oh, Karen...I don't want you to go, but I know you have to...I know there is no way you can't miss it. I would feel the same way. Okay...I'll shut up for now...I just want everyone who believes in anything spiritual to send Karen extra strength tomorrow evening....east coast time. The rapture's not coming or anything like that I just want the people out west (me) to remember to send extra light ..........oh............I just realized I don't know what time to send the light. Just send it all damn day and night.

We lost Claws for a while tonight. He was there one minute and gone the next. Jasmine was a nervous wreck. I finally heard meowing from Mariah's closet. Unbeknownst to me he must have run in there while I hung Mariah's shirts. Mommy and kitty were happily reunited. Our house revolves around a two pound kitten. Shelby likes him now too. She even played with him tonight and let him play with her toys. I love my dog. She's a good girl!

Oh...Yesterday Mariah was telling me about a "really old" substitute teacher, "but, she's not as old as you, Grandma." LOL

One more thing. I now totally believe I am not in denial about Stephanie's death, but I am in "something" because it's too powerful for me to deal with right now. I've tucked it neatly somewhere. I don't know where. I bring out pieces once in a while, but mainly I shut myself off so I don't have to feel. It's kind of scary because I'm afraid that reality will hit and render my nonfunctional. Just throwing that bit of news out there.

Oh...did I tell you all that we are going to see Reba in concert a week from tonight. All five of us. The Band Perry is opening for her. I bought the tickets as a birthday gift for myself. Splurged and got good seats.

Okay. NOW I'm done.

[mikesmomrs]

It has been a long, long day. Many ups, and many downs. As Ralph would say, "all y'all's" words to us have helped so much. Each time I would come on BI, there would be a new post or two, and Ralph and I shared them over the course of the day. How wonderful it is to know that people care so much that they take time out of their day to let you know they have you in their heart, and are remembering your precious child. Mike's friend, Eric, called from Texas. Friends from Ralph's work posted on fb. Cathi and I kept in touch over the day, and Kim checked in around 8 by phone. Mike died at 8:12 pm. It was very quiet here at that time. Kameron (Mike's middle boy, 14) was here. He came over tonight to be with us when we all take the pumpkins, cornstalks and Kim's beaded tribute to Mike to the cemetary tomorrow (Chandler is coming tomorrow,Sarah and Damon will be there, also). Cathi will try to be here...but she has a football luncheon with Jamie and may not get there in time, but will do her own visit, with Jamie, if we don't meet up.) We will then go to a favorite pizza place of Mike's and have pizza, in memory of Mike. On our way home after picking up Kameron tonight, we stopped at Subway for sandwiches for supper. As I went to get out of the car, I spilled a full coke all over myself, completely soaking my jeans, and could not go into the store. Ralph and Kam went in. While I watched from the truck through the store window as they moved through a rather lengthy line, I had a complete meltdown. Things do happen for a reason, don't they? I knew that meltdown was coming, and I did not want to upset Kameron. I had been fighting to hold it in. I got those few minutes I needed to let it out and pull myself back together.

Later, at home, at 8:12, Kam, Ralph and I all stood here together. Kameron had his hands folded in prayer, and Ralph and I stood behind him. A few moments of silence, a few words in prayer. First time ever one of Mike's boys has been here with us at the precise time. It meant a lot to Kameron to be here. Right after our moments of silence, Kameron wandered off to the back bedroom. He didn't come out for a bit, and I went to check on him and found him crying. I started to walk away to let him have his moment, but I sensed he needed someone there. (Kam is going through a LOT at his house, where he lives with his other grandparents...turmoil, chaos, and endless drama from his aunts and uncle, and even his mom--Kam has always lived with his grandparents, but his mom has moved in "temporarily" with her two girls, 5 and 3, I think, and her husband...not a happy family...the "temporary" has turned into three months, and this is not the first time it's happened.) I put my arm across his shoulders and held him close, and told him it was okay to cry. After a bit, we talked, and I asked him if he felt that his life would be very different if his father were here. I know that sounds like a dumb, perhaps hurtful question to ask, but I sensed he needed to talk about that. He did. He needed to express that his life at his house is just awful, and if his dad were here, he would be living with him. He needed to talk about it. I listened. Searching for words for him, I found none, and kept quiet, and he talked some more. (yeah, me, speechless...how about that!) A bit later, I wondered out loud if, being so young (9) when Mike died, did Kameron feel as though he had many memories of his dad. It wound up that we shared some of his memories of his dad and he said that his memories of his dad are very strong and happy ones. He eventually came through this meltdown and seemed the better for it. (We here all know that sometimes it does help to just go ahead and cry, don't we...)

We fired up the scrabble game and sat at the table and played Scrabble. Mike LOVED scrabble, and so does Kam. I can't remember the last time we played a board game in this house. We lit Mike's memorial candle to be by us while we played. We laughed over some of Kam's antics and attempts at squeezing in a word that was not a word...so like his dad. Kam and Ralph did some word sparring and "making up" words, more laughs. About mid-way through the game, I looked down at my letters in front of me, and noticed an open space on the board where they would fit perfectly. I then added to an open S, the letters T-A-T-T-O-O. Now, where do you supposed THAT came from? Kameron was so happy about it, and I am so glad it happened. I think he truly felt his dad was right there with us. (For those who don't know, Mike had at least 15 or more tattoos, including a slim one on the sides of his face, and he LOVED tattoos...was into the whole "ART" aspect of it.) All in all, it was an emotional day/night, but more memories were made to savor, to hold onto and to cheer about when we need to do some cheering.

Being able to come here and share all of this with people who truly understand is a wonderful gift. I am so thankful to God for all of you. Ralph says thank you, also.

Thank you for your wishes, for your prayers, and for your holding us close and saying Mike's name.

[mikesmomrs]

Josie: I am so sorry about the loss of your sweet son, Levi. All of the losses you have endured over recent times, so close together, how very painful for you! As Susannah said, be gentle with yourself. Come here and talk about Levi, let us know all about him, talk as much as you want, or can, or as little as you want if you can't. The poem from your sil is just beautiful...true words as if spoken from your heart and recorded by her hand.

Diane: I am so happy that you are with people who truly will allow you to be yourself, to comfort you if you need to be comforted, to understand if you need to be left alone. I can imagine how you would feel as though you wish you could just stay there.

Sonya: So good to see your beautiful Danielle's smiling face. We have missed, you, too, but understand.

Dee: Thank you for the beautiful prayer...I have printed it out and will keep it by my computer.

Sus: I guess in the eyes of the very young, we are all "old", even if we are only 30 or so. That is your age, isn't it? I am glad Kitty is doing better, and glad you found her.

Find peaceful rest tonight, my Indigo family...my prayers of thanks go out to all of you, and for all of you. May you feel the brush of your angel's spirit near you. Thank you for visiting Mike's memorial site, also.

[mysonrich]

Carol and Ralph, I searched all day yesterday for the words that may bring comfort or a verse, a picture. I combed through web pages and Red Sox pictures and listened to a little music all the while thinking of Mike and asking Rich for some help. One would think I came up empty, but the effort was put forth and Mike was remembered all day. While trying to reach out to others, Josie,Polly,Susan and at times not finding the words, I would like you to know that I, we, listen. We are here and you are not alone.

My son Rich died on January 18, 2009 in his sleep form cardiac dysrhythmia. He was 20 years young. That was the cause of death. The manner of death was listed as natural. I still can't wrap my head around that.

Someone recently wrote of a visitor to their home. A parent that also lost a child and you asked how to deal with this mans anger. You probably can't and shouldn't. Being full of angry myself, not so much now but for a good year it bubbled below the surface. I walked and walked and walked. If you encounter this person again and feel strong enough, let him know that a physical out-let helps. I think Colleen, Brian’s Mom has a punching bag set-up for this very reason.

Speaking of angry. Most of you know I moved one year after Rich died thinking that after my Mom died 16 months later that I could use some family support. I can't say that that has been the case. But also,maybe people don't know what to say or do. So, I have a job that requires me to cover and run a lot. Meaning, there are 5 or more people that say some of the nastiness,mean things I have ever heard at a work place. I assume these people have no other life. I try to fly under their radar and most times am missed by the bing bing bing of the sonar I hear coming my way. Duck and cover. This last year I heard a lot and being so weak emotionally and certainly not up for verbal confrontations, I let comments go which,in hindsight, portrayed me as a weak person. An easy target. Well the radar found me, and someone made a mistake , made a judgment call on my work.Snarky, bitchy, bating, and it only took a couple of words from them. I promptly said,” go F yourself”. I have to admit it felt good as they sat in stunned silence. I took myself to my manager, I turned myself in and told her I dropped the F bomb and why. I just felt the me and others have been abused enough by the 5 and finding a little strength to deal with the garbage, I bit back.

Sus, you said something about Karma. Maybe not here but along the line of the way people treat us is their karma, the way we react is our karma. If someone down the line tells me to you f myself, I'll keep this in mind.

My dads sil and poa ( thank god) called last night. She is off to Italy and I will be checking in on dad for the next two weeks or more. You know of my torment and some of my past with my dad. I try to make peace with that knowing that when he dies, I will no longer hear any of his corny jokes. He isn't doing well.

I've been up since 2am and the sun should shine soon. Indigo's, you are not alone.

[ericasmom]

I hope that you get some rest Betsy, it sounds like the full moon of the week was causing sparks to fly. Some foul stuff at my place of employment as well this week, made me have to rethink relationships a bit more than I 'd have liked.

Carol, so glad that Kam was with you and was ablet o let youknow how hard things are for him. We sure do know the power of our voice, and he is learning that he can voice his aches with you which is a powerful tool to teach him. LOVE the TATTOOS on the scrabble board. GO MIKE!