Loss of an Adult Child

[mysonrich]

http://www.msnbc.msn...32619/#45007878

Dee, I watched the pumpkin patch news feature. I had to smile at the little girl that wanted to make a pumpkin pie and the little boy that could not get his arms around the biggest pumpkin he could find. Lots of good pumpkin ideas from the kids.

(Oct 23rd. scrool down to find the story.)

Sherry, last month or so a baboon was running through the neighborhoods near Six Flags. Six Flags wasn't sure if it belonged to them. They didn't keep count or couldn't keep count of new babies etc. It did belong to them and he/she was captured at a nearby farm. A few years ago a tiger was on the run. Six Flags said it wasn't theirs and a woman nearby that had a similar set-up as the Ohio man, said it wasn't her's. Not sure of the outcome of the tiger now but they closed down the woman’s operation. Private owner, no public access. I did hear that your governor signed a new bill as of yesterday. In the case with Six Flags here, even the “real” professionals have problems.

Susannah, did you try Craigslist? Do you have a listing for pets on craigslist. Lots of cats,kittens posted there. Unfortunately many on the list end up at the shelter if homes aren't found.

I have another Dr appt this morning. Dr said there are a couple of things we need to talk about. Hoping its nothing serious.

Talk to you all later.

[ericasmom]

Polly, hope that working made you feel the day moved with more purpose-I do hope that it also allows you some sleep. Sleep is a very elusive entity for many here especially in that first year of ache. When I wake up with insomnia, I count Angels. I begin to name all of our Angels and usually fall asleep with Angels on my heart.

I love the photos too because it does prove that OUR BABIES were here. THey will always be our Babies and those moments captured will serve for all time to show us the happiness in their lives.

Sun is coming up, I did not walk this morn, just needing to store energy for a day outdoors and walking all day.

[Guest msnher]

Please take time to watch this. I think you'll be as changed as I am.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCHS6geSs-k

[lolynbo]

I POSTED THIS ON FB...

Lorri 'Cooper' Boatright

Baby girl I'm trying. I've finally figured it out. You no what I'm talking about. I can get this rolling.

SOME ONE TEXTED ME AND SAYS..."IM GLAD YOUR DOING BETTER"....I JUST DELETED IT IM SO SICK OF THIS STUPID ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS PERSON..

WHAT I MENT WAS "IM READY TO SPEAK IN FRONT OF PPL AT THE OKLHOMA BRAIN TUMOR FOUNDATION OKBT.....IF WE GO WITH THE GREY TSHIRT...WEAR GREY IN MAY.......I DIDNT MEAN I WOKE UP AND THOUGHT

OK IM FINE..IM GONNA LIVE..

HOME FROM OUR TRIP TO ALABAMA...WOW LOTS OF DRIVING..HAD A GREAT TIME....KODY DID WELL....BUT TODAY IS BROOKES BDAY SO WE SEE HOW HE DOES..

[Guest msnher]

Instead of pleading temporary insanity, I'm pleading head cold. I reread some posts and my responses and thought "what am I talking about?" If my posts leave you wondering the same thing please just let it go because I have no idea!

[Susie_q512]

Today is a bad day. Sunday I was productive and got a few things done. Yesterday all I managed to do was take care of the animals, cook my first dinner, and worked for 3 hours. Today is worse. Didn't sleep well last night. Grumpy, sad and mad that my girl is gone from me, no desire to do anything. Resentful that it's time to get ready for work...only 3 hours, but I'm not in the mood, so expecting them to be long and unbearable hours. Tuesdays always suck. Forever marking the day my Shannon was killed. One minute from now marks the time of her accident and the ending of her life, her future, my life, my future...every hope and dream we had of our future together. Five weeks, and it seems like an eternity. Inside, I am screaming and raging....outside I appear moody and sullen. I want to run from this reality. I want to renounce it and deny it. I want to hide from it. I want to fight against it and win! I want to turn back time. I want my daughter back!

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[Guest msnher]

I know, Susan. Hugs to you!

[shorty16]

Well said - Susan. We all want that.

Love to you

Colleen

[westleysmom]

Susan-So sorry that today is a bad day. Hugs

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan...I second that! Look after yourself, ok? HUGS, Kate

[ericasmom]

Sus, the video has me in tears along with the judges and audience. What a wonderfully enlightened young man, a spirit that knows what it is to find what there is in a day and love it.

Susan, being angry is part of it, the anger can be alarming especially when you may be someone not used to feeling angry, it is like a foreign entity. It seems to be a necessary piece of grief, we have been cheated out of watching our Children grow all the way up, we lose out on the relationship as two adults, it is a giant hole that is sucking the energy adn life out of each day...and it will for a while. Five weeks, we think of our Babies at 5 weeks, so tiny and so pure, and we remember the life altering world we found ourselves when they were born to us...and then the life altering and heart shattering as they left us. We want more time but we are not allowed to have it and it is not because we are being judged or being punished, it is what accidents are, they happen and sometimes they happen to folks we love. Five weeks is far too long to not see and hear and touch your Girl, and yet is a short amount of time when discussing most other things. You have probably begun shedding a thin layer of shock, it is like an onion, layers that have served to protect you from the sudden onslaught of all that comes with grief. One layer at a time is peeled away and usually sometime around the 6 or 7 month mark, the layers have peeled back almost to the core. The ache and hurt can be even bigger in some ways than at first, but still you realize that you have made many steps already, and you are going to continue to find ways to move forward. You will, but some days you won't want to. Sometimes we get stuck thinking that to move forward is to leave our child behind. It isn't though, it is simply moving forward to live your best life and stand where your Girl no longer can. Live it well for her. Not now, but one day.

[Susie_q512]

Hi Guys,

I hate that my last post was so emotional, but it is what it is...that hasn't happened often, but I find that it is beginning to happen more frequently and with more intensity. It scares me, because of what I feel inside....the screaming and raging inside me....makes me fearful of what will happen when it finally pours out of me. Not sure I want anyone to witness it when in happens, and concerned that it will cause further pain for my daughter, Rae, and my husband. I seem to be a little better at the moment. Not as overwhelmed. This truly is like a roller coaster, being tossed, turned and thrust into ever changing emotions, then back again. Think I have some control, then realize it's slipped away. Today was endured moment by moment, literally. Hoping tomorrow will be a little gentler with me. I worry about Rae. She's not one that can be forced into anything, so all I can do is let her know that I am here for her when she's ready....whatever she needs of me...on her terms. She is a lot like me. Holds it inside or is still in shock. I can tell that it's getting harder for her. More quiet than usual. Music coming from her room that reminds her of her sister. Facebook posts. Not wanting to be at home for long periods of time. It breaks my heart that I cannot protect and shield her from this harsh reality. My siblings are still living, so I do not know what it must be like for Rae to lose her baby sister. She told me about a week after the funeral that she wished that I had had three children instead of just the two, because now she is all alone. She has lost her best friend, the witness to her life. Just last week she did a photo shoot for a friend's wedding. She posted about watching her friend with her sister all day on that special day, then she mentioned that she was sad because she and Shannon would never have those moments. I worry that she will be forgotten in this grieving process. Father, Mother, Sister...we are all hurting. Each relationship with Shannon was unique, complex and beautiful. We have each lost a huge part of our lives and hearts. Oh, how I worry about my Rae...so young to be experiencing this pain and loss. Remember when our kids were babes, and a kiss was all that was needed to fix the problem or heal their hurts? Wish I could take the pain from her....just kiss it and make it better.

Thinking of each of you and all our Angels tonight. Hoping peace finds you.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[Susie_q512]

Sus - watched the video. Both touching and inspiring. We all have a history...a road we must travel whether we like the road or not. It's so good to see triumph over adversity, hope winning against despair, the human spirit soar so beautifully.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[Susie_q512]

Dee - as always, your words hold much wisdom and honesty. It does help....gives me an idea of what to expect as I make this journey and gives hope that I can make it. For Rae's sake, I must find my way through this nightmare. Thank you.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[ericasmom]

Susan, that there is HOPE is key. There will be days where the thread to hope is less evident but keep reminding yourself of that one factor that helps us all.

As far as Rae, she may be waiting to grieve as many kids do, until she can't wait any longer or until she feels that you are going to be okay enough for her to be fragile. She may also, as you said, just be like you and keep it in. DId you two ever think of family therapy or a grief group for siblings or parents. Compassionate Friends might be helpful but I went to private therapy. I needed to just have this one person to unload my heart with on a weekly basis. I began therapy at around the same time I began being here each day, and I needed both. I too worried greatly about my Son who was 21 when his Sister died. He would not discuss her death other than in anger and short bursts and silence. Eventually he went to therapy for a time, not a long time, but a time nevertheless and was given what he needed to progress in his life.

There is a book that I love called, NAME ALL THE ANIMALS, by Allison Smith. It is memoir but reads as fiction. You and Rae may like it as it is told from Alison's point of view about the sudden death of her Brother. It is very moving, very well written and perhaps a vehicle to allow the discussions that lay just underneath the heart and mind. I have many other books that I indeed would recommend, both memoir and fiction so if ever you want some others, let me know.

[shorty16]

Good Morning my friends,

Windy, rainy and cold here in Wisconsin. What a change from just last week when it was gorgeous.

I just want to say hello to all my virtual friends who are walking this path with me. I rocky path it is.

Susan - when people would ask me "How are you doing?" before I could respond, 10 emotions went through me. A roller-coaster ride this is. After a while, you will learn to work with this grief, but that takes alot of time. We must walk through the furnace to be able to let some of this go later on.

All my friends

Scott's birthday is Saturday and I have nothing planned. Scott does not want anything so that makes it easy!!! LOL Not much else going on other than thinking of my boy, Brian and all the other angels on this page.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[lolynbo]

HAD ME A LIL ANGRY WALKN FIT YEST AT THE CEMETERY...GOD GOT AN EAR FULL....NO RESPONSE YET IF WERE STILL FRIENDS...

WELL THIS TIME 4 AND 5 YRS AGO WE WERE ALL GOING TRICKY TREATN..(KOURTNEY HAD HER COSTUME READY BUT DIDNT GO)..NO MORE....THEN NEXT WEEK WE FIND THE TUMOR...4 YRS AGO......HOW CAN THIS BE...HOW IS THIS MY LIFE....WHO THE HELL GAVE THIS TO ME.........WHY CLDNT IT JUST BE THE WAY IT WAS.......

HATE FALL, HATE THANKSGIVING, HATE CHRISTMAS EMPTY STOCKINGS PUTTING ON A SMILE, HATE NEW YEARS ANOTHER YR BEGINS WITH OUT KOURTNEY, HATE FEBRUARY..HER WLD BE ANNIVERSERY SHE NEVER GOT TO CELEBRATE (NOT EVEN ONE)..HER BIRTHDAY...HER VALENTINES SHE WAS GOING TO SNAG FROM BRENT...............HATE IT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

YES THIS IS MY MOOD...I WILL BE SPORTING IT FOR SOME TIME..

[rlolheiser]

My computer keeps crashing, I hope I get this posted.

There was a child protective services yesterday, it was also visiting day at the jail. My oldest daughter went to see her sister. She is worried about her, all she does is cry and wants her babies and wants to go home. I feel for her. Sunday is coming so fast, I hope they watch her that day. It will be the fifth anniversary of the accident my JaBoa became a heavenly angel. I have had so many calls from people wanting the specifics of what happened, I tell them, I am not gossiping and my daughters and grandchildrens lives are not up to your judgement. She has a long hill to climb, am I happy, no.. but I still love her. My husband got home Monday night, they had some problems on the job he was on. He was so livid and unforgiving toward my daughter. He said she will never live here again, I hope his heart softens with time. My oldest daughter petiitioned the court to take my grandson, they are thinking about it, meanwhile he is in a foster home, and they aren't telling us. Social Services finally called me yesterday, I wasn't home, took mom out for her flu shot and had to get a new washing machine, mine broke down this weekend. By the time I got home, court had already started. i think they were supposed to contact me sooner, after all they had all day monday when I was home. The woman didn't even identify herself, just said this is so and so... and please call this number. I wouldn't have known who it was if I hadn't been familiar with the number.

My mind is so rattled these days, took the my son and JaBoa's sister to a fun program last night at school. It is called Title I they receive a little extra help to keep from getting behind, they served us subs and chips and each class took turns tellng jokes. I think Sena really enjoyed it even more than my son, she has to have so much on her little shoulders. He dad still hasn't contacted her, the grandma on his side called my oldest daughter to get my number monday, but still hasn't called. So.. makes me wonder what they are up to. I asked Sena if her dad wanted her did she want to go, I told her to be honest, cause it won't hurt me if she decides she wanted to try it. She told me, I want to visit him, but I want to live here. I told her that whenever she wants to talk.. come get me and we will talk, I am open to her feelings.

I am rambling.. guess I better get off here, longest I haven't crashed.. but then I am not done yet.

Thank you all for your support, I should go back and take down the names.. but I am tired and afraid I will lose this again.

Even in these times your all a part of my heart.. and always on my mind.

[Guest msnher]

Disclaimer: I still have a head cold.

Susan, as painful as all this is, you and Rae are reacting very normal. I needed to know that when Steph died, I thought maybe you needed to know that, too. I'm SO glad you're writing.

Leah, you and your family remain in my prayers. I've been where you are.

We had snow yesterday but it didn't stick. The kids had to wear warm clothes to school again. Mariah is quite upset because "it isn't winter, yet! It's only Fall. How come it's so cold?" I told her we live in Wyoming, that's why. Shoot. It could be 80 tomorrow for all we know. When my kids were young and the weather was more predictable, it stormed every October 31st. The snow stayed on the ground until April. It's not like that anymore. One of the perks, I guess, of Global warming.

[briansdad]

Please take time to watch this. I think you'll be as changed as I am.

http://www.youtube.c...h?v=eCHS6geSs-k

There is a special place in heaven for his mother.

I just goes to show you .....hate is not natural.

It has to be taught.

[Chads Mom]

I definitely was able to get sleep the last couple days, I guess work will do that to you.

I am behind reading all the posts from everyone but I don’t have work today so I am going to catch up. (making severed finger cookies with Mom later today for a party her community is having)

Susan: You amaze me everyday with your strength. I remember thinking what a basket case I was weeks after my sons death I could not even think straight much less try to openly talk to others about the loss of my son. I too worry about my younger son (my only other child) everyday. His initial reaction was two days after Chad’s funeral was to drink so much his heart stopped and he ended up in the hospital. When we arrived he cried for hours about his brother being gone. (It broke my heart to see how much emotional pain he was in) Since then he talks to me often about Chad but I find it has to be on his terms. Cam is on his own roller coaster it’s just his is on a different schedule than mine. I wish you, your husband, and your daughter much love.

Dee: I love the post about the things you have kept that belonged to Erica. It squeezed my heart and made me cry…..

Susannah: I can’t wait to hear if you get a kitty! I hope your cold gets better quick I mean who’s got time for being sick right?

Betsy: Sending good thoughts your way for the Dr. appointment.

Colleen: Bundle up and stay warm. (love your pictures of Brian handsome boy)

Lorri: I never got to tell you but I LOVE the go gray in May t-shirts!!!! (the wings just got me) I agree with you this time of year just brings up everything we would like to keep tucked away. Maybe we can skip to March?

Wishing each and everyone of you much love……

Polly--Chad’s Mom

[ericasmom]

Leah, that is not rambling, that is stream of occurrances in your life that have you spinning...I so wish that I could help, we all do. Goodness knows that most folks would fold under so much pressure, but you keep on keepin-on and I am in awe of your strength,. Oh don't get me wrong, I know that you would like it to not have to handle so much, but I am sending you a hug and hope.

love,

dee

Lor, sorry for the ache in your heart, that simply does not go away. Can't.

[Susie_q512]

Dee - Rae and I are both avid readers, so I will definitely find this book. She has seen a therapist twice, but mentioned today that she doesn't want to talk about it with anyone. I told her that I would not try to force the issue with her and will trust her to evaluate the pro's and con's of going for counselling. Whatever she decides will be respected. Don't know what else I can do other than try to support her through her own grief and how she chooses to cope with it.

I did see someone today...the first meeting, so it was more of a meet and greet type appointment. She was very easy to be around, so maybe it will help me. My husband is really pushing Rae and I to get counselling. He feels that we need it because we are not grieving the way he thinks we should be and it frightens him. Many people keep commenting on the strength that Rae and I have through this nightmare....I don't know that "strength" is the adjective I would use...kind of think "shock" is more appropriate. Whatever it is, I'm still here. Today was better than yesterday. Been busy and out of the house most of the day. Spent the afternoon with Rae, which was nice. But days like this exhaust me. Haven't really done much, but I am physically exhausted.

Thanks!

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[dwsmithrn]

hi my friends....it has been a few days since i have posted and have missed out on a lot of posts.....sorry.....been out of sorts lately.

i am going to that East Carolina University OT Homecoming event this w/e....they are having a memorial service for nathan....it will be

hard for me, of course, but i am going. it is also my b/d on friday and i will not hear my son's voice on the phone on friday...as i have every year

before....that is another first i do not want to experience. i am sad....i went to the dept store to look for a shirt to wear and could not find one...then i cried and cried while in the store thinking...'why should i even have to be looking for something to wear to my child's memorial service?'.....it is a hard reality and it

seems to hit me in the face everyday for one reason or another.... it ALL SUCKS.....wish it would all just go away.....

also, saw the neurologist and didn't have 'bad' news, but had not-so-great news, but i'm ok, just kind of down in the dumps.....

i am sorry to hear some are sick and some are so sad and having bad days....i am sorry for all of you here on this site....if i could wish this away for you, i would.

i think about all of you every single day, even if i am not posting, i am usually reading and have you close to my heart. huggs to all of you....love, diane

[Susie_q512]

Lorri - Halloween was THE favorite holiday for my girls and I. So, ain't looking forward to it this year...just doesn't hold the same joy. I'm like the Grinch at Christmas....love the food and fellowship, but hate the hustle, bustle and commercialism of the season...always stressed me out. I did however enjoy shopping for my girls, Christmas morning, and going to Gatlinburg each year for an extended weekend. Can't imagine wanting to do anything for Halloween, Thanksgiving or Christmas or New Years again. So, I say "AMEN!" to your feelings and thoughts on the subject of the season. So sorry that you have so many reminders that add to the harshness of holidays without our children. I will be thinking of you daily until you pass through these months ahead.

Leah - I am so sorry that you are having to deal with so much. It must be so emotionally and physically draining for you. It's okay to vent to us. No one minds at all. Sending much hope your way and praying for strength and wisdom for you.

Polly - Thank you for your kind words and sweet perception of me. Don't know if it's strength or not...maybe I am stronger than I ever believed myself to be? I have always been able to express myself verbally and in writing, so maybe that ability helps me release some of the torment that is inside me. It is easier for me to write than say the words. At some point, y'all may all be telling me to "shut-up already!"

Sus - Hope you get to feeling better soon. If you were close by, I'd boil some lemons, add some honey and vinegar to it, and insist you drink it....burns a little going down, but it does help. I am currently battling bronchitis, so I know how you feel

Peace and love to all. May our Angels watch over and comfort us tonight.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[Susie_q512]

Diane - so sorry that you had to experience that....and regret your birthday and the sadness it will hold for you. I had to take Rae to the mall the other day because she shops as a way of making her feel better and just had to have a few things. I had many moments also...it seemed that all I saw were items that Shannon would have love and been begging me to purchase for her. I finally just looked at the floor as I walked through the mall. It was just to hard to hold my head up....literally everywhere I looked, I would be reminded of Shannon, and that I would never again be shopping with her or seeing her wearing cute outfits or arguing over the cost....she was my little diva and had expensive taste. She was frugal with her money, but Mom's money was a different story. Anyway, I understand how much this sucks. I am hoping that the memorial will honor your Nathan and bring you much needed comfort....Praying and asking that you feel him there with you.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[ericasmom]

AH-HA, another human that uses vinegar to help a cold. Susan, we have some things in common. Sus, do what Susan says, it will help some. Bronchitis, iCK, but there is a whooping cough outbreak here in Illinois not too far from here. One highschool has 90 some cases. Be well Everyone.

I am listening to Neil Young and his wife and his friends in last weekends concert in California called the Bridge School Concert. He has one each year and all of the proceeds go to the Bridge School which serves Children with motor handicaps as well as communication issues and so because he is one of my MUSICAL FAVORITES and does this good work, I am listening with tears and a smile. His music was what I have listened to all my life and My Girl went to Tennessee-Bonaroo concert and saw him and after listening to his music as the backdrop to her life and never particularly liking him, she came home from that concert and sang his praises: "Mom, he is so old but he just rocked on and on..." and I walked her the two or three blocks to her Daddy's home and she yelled out: " ROCK AND ROLL WILL NEVER DIE" and I yelled " YOU ARE LIKE A HURRICANE< THERE IS A STORM IN YOUR EYE" and three weeks later she was gone. I am so glad that she went to the Bonaroo Concert where she stated it was the best time of her life.

Oh I am pretty nostalgic this eve, thinking of Halloween and it was a huge favorite of Eri's. She always loved Halloween. I know for those of you new here, these first holidays and Di, your birthday will be hard, hard is the wrong word, it hardly describes the sad feelings that swirl and swarm within. It may be a year for your families to do something different so as not to try to mimic anything that went before. A soup kitchen to work with those in need, or a get away to a place without a tree and Christmas music...there are options that may offer your hearts a bit of a chance to spend your time a little differently. Everyone is different, the tree and ornaments are good for some, while others choose never to put a tree or a menorah up again. We are changed for sure, but as far as what feels like the right thing to do? Everyone is different. We are walking alongside you though, and sometimes in front of you leaving big footprints in which to step knowing that these are the steps we must make in order to climb these hills and that you are among many others .

[dwsmithrn]

oh susan...thank you so much for sharing that with me....i am so sure that is hard for you....your little diva princess....looking around a mall with your child and seeing shannon call out to you....i am so sorry.....this journey is so new to you and you have so much to take in right now. i do remember the early days....so hard, yet still covered up in layers of shock that won't allow the pain to take over just yet....i am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious shannon.

i am just past the 9 month mark, and it seems every month that goes by is just a painful reminder of how much i miss my nathan....how great he was in so many ways, how much he provided for his community and his patients, and yet he is not here to continue on with his great intentions. it just hurts my heart so much, some days i don't know if i can take another day....

today i went out for a short time with my daughter and 2 grandchildren and that helped for a brief moment. at least i have that once in a while. they are precious.

i will see my daughter-in-law and 2 other grandchildren this week-end at ECU and that will help, too. nathan's best friend will do the speaking for the family at the memorial....there was just no way i could do that myself, and my husband was going out of town on a previous scheduled engagement, so he isn't even going.....he feels so badly about not going. but, it was scheduled months ago, and this just came up about 2 months ago.

i still say, as sad and lonely and inept as i feel right now, i do not know what i would do without this site...without these wonderful people....i know for a fact, that i most likely would not have made it this long without any of them....they all have held my hand, my heart and hugged me through every rough moment i have had....i greatly appreciate every kind word and thought that goes in and out of this place. no wonder we are a 'special club'...only 'we' know how this feels and how we can survive this journey. THANK YOU.....thank you....

thank you susan for your kind words....thank you for understanding.....i have thought of you often and realize that you are so new here and yet, you are so brave and supportive to others. you are wonderful......thank you.......diane

[mikesmomrs]

Am going to try to post using ralphs cell, so if I wind up with "talons" or "wenches" I hope u all just smile and feel happy for a moment or so.

Our trip has been enjoyable but oh, my, there truly IS no place like home. I am really looking forward to our few days alone at the beach in Virginia...I hope the weather stays good.

I have been reading every day and am so sorry for those who r hvg a hard time right now. LEAH: So very sorry that u r embroiled in such turmoil and stress...I so hope that thick calm down soon for u and u find out where ur grandson is.

DIANE: my heart holds u close and prayers for strength for the upcoming memorial for Nathan. All of us here who have already experienced our first b'day since our child left this earth know how the sorrow that accompanies the lack of that phone call that always came before. Another reminder of what we have lost. Our lives r very different now and always will be, but we must try to remember that though we can't hear them, those wishes r still being wished for us and at some point further down the road than you and many of those still in the first year of this new life have traveled thus far, you will feel those wishes again, because they will always be in our heart, they will always be a part of us.

SUSAN, LORRI, hugs to you and to all here.

The upcoming holidays are ahead of us and those of us who have been here a while know that there is a huge outpouring of love and support offered here by and for all of us. We all check in frequently over the holidays, share our memories and our tears, talk about our children and those holidays past and find comfort that helps us make it through those tough days.

_

There is more I wntd to post, but think maybe I should quit while I am ahead...i' be tried to watch the words as i have posted and I hope I haven't screwed things up as badly as I did before. __

I truly miss being able to just post without worrying abt auto spellcheck that makes me sound like I am from another planet!

Perhaps when we r at the hotel again (this friday nite) they will have a computer available like before.

I am so glad Ralph is having this opportunity to spend time with his family, but oh my, I will be SO happy to be home again.

Love to all of my indigo family.

[mikesmomrs]

Am going to try to post using ralphs cell, so if I wind up with "talons" or "wenches" I hope u all just smile and feel happy for a moment or so.

Our trip has been enjoyable but oh, my, there truly IS no place like home. I am really looking forward to our few days alone at the beach in Virginia...I hope the weather stays good.

I have been reading every day and am so sorry for those who r hvg a hard time right now. LEAH: So very sorry that u r embroiled in such turmoil and stress...I so hope that thick calm down soon for u and u find out where ur grandson is.

DIANE: my heart holds u close and prayers for strength for the upcoming memorial for Nathan. All of us here who have already experienced our first b'day since our child left this earth know how the sorrow that accompanies the lack of that phone call that always came before. Another reminder of what we have lost. Our lives r very different now and always will be, but we must try to remember that though we can't hear them, those wishes r still being wished for us and at some point further down the road than you and many of those still in the first year of this new life have traveled thus far, you will feel those wishes again, because they will always be in our heart, they will always be a part of us.

SUSAN, LORRI, hugs to you and to all here.

The upcoming holidays are ahead of us and those of us who have been here a while know that there is a huge outpouring of love and support offered here by and for all of us. We all check in frequently over the holidays, share our memories and our tears, talk about our children and those holidays past and find comfort that helps us make it through those tough days.

_

There is more I wntd to post, but think maybe I should quit while I am ahead...i' be tried to watch the words as i have posted and I hope I haven't screwed things up as badly as I did before. __

I truly miss being able to just post without worrying abt auto spellcheck that makes me sound like I am from another planet!

Perhaps when we r at the hotel again (this friday nite) they will have a computer available like before.

I am so glad Ralph is having this opportunity to spend time with his family, but oh my, I will be SO happy to be home again.

Love to all of my indigo family.

[nicksdad]

[jeana]

Had a extremely hard day at work. I am a 911 dispatcher. Took 2 different 911 calls of people talking of suicide. Its so hard talking to them, when I would like to just tell them of my personal experience with it. One was a boy about the same age as my son. His father had also killed himself back in the winter. I asked if I could talk to him when they brought him in for his mental health eval. But was told no, that it was too soon for me. Maybe my co workers are right. But if I could make a difference in the out come, it would help. Maybe I could help him where I couldn't help my own son and husband.

On a lighter side, my son and I had planned on going to the PBR world finals in Vegas this weekend, we already had our tickets bought. So his girlfriends mom and I are going. It will be nice to get away from the Colorado cold spell and into some warm weather.

[Guest msnher]

REMEMBERING ETHAN! He looks so much like my Jonathon. Hugs to your family!

[ericasmom]

JOsie, glad that you are able to make that trip with a friend, I bet your Son is happy that you will, it is after all a step in honoring the times you shared. I can't even imagine taking 911 calls in the first place, so flustered and worried, I would not be a calm person for those in need, but to think of you helping others in the dark moments of thier lives and hoping for a different outcome than your own experience requires so much energy. I am in awe of your ability to do so. I get what you mean about wishing you could help others in a face to face way and as I took my walk this morning thought about that and maybe you can. Maybe you can find a way to start a group in your area one day for those on the edge...

Diane, the memorial will be an amazing testament to Nathan and we will stand beside you as you watch and listen to the outpouring of love that will always surround Nathan. You raised a young man who is truly missed and loved.

[ericasmom]

ETHAN-we look to the heavens and say your sweet name-ETHAN.

[ericasmom]

Carol, so good to see you today and love hearing of the adventures of the two of you. Click your heels, no place like home and we will see you posting from there soon.

Lorri, looking ahead is a hard view, I wish it were not but it is, so what can you do today that will make you smile? I hope something today fills you up and makes you feel the joy that you have given and continue to give through your sweet Angel Kourtney.

[shorty16]

Thinking of you Ethan

Enid and Gerald, May the winds whisper his name to you as we say it out loud here

Ethan

Ethan

Ethan

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Josie

Great for you to still go to the PBR!!! (is that Rodeo?)

It would be easy to just lay in bed and wallow in sell-pity (I am good at that).

Getting up and out of the house is hard sometimes, especially in the beginning.

You go Girl!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Hello my friends

I really hate to bring up the subject again, but I need to figure out what to do for Thanksgiving this year? What I want to do is run away; I seem to be good at that. But, we do not have the money right now for a trip and my daughter is in retail and works all weekend.

We usually go to Madison and I stare at my sister-in-law and her intact, wonderful family and wonder - "What the heck am I doing here?" She does not get it. She ignores that fact Brian is dead so she does not feel uncomfortable.

I am starting to get back into cooking. The first year after Brian's death, I could not even follow a recipe. My mind would not stay on the subject for long enough. Also, I might be able to recruit my family to help make their favorite dishes. I guess home is the place this year.

What are the rest of you doing?

I am looking for ideas!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[westleysmom]

Colleen-We're invited again to my sister's for Thanksgiving. She and I used to take turns between Thanksgiving and Christmas having the whole family (our brother and sister and their families and Mama) because our Mama's house is not really big enough for all of us anymore. I guess we'll go. I always wanted to just cook for my little family and have holidays that didn't have to be coordinated with so many people, but I never did it. I guess I didn't because I knew that Mama wanted to see all of us on the Holidays. The last Christmas (2009) before was at my house. I remember getting everything ready for everyone to be there. We took some pictures of me and my brother and sisters, but Westley had already left, or was getting ready to leave the house, so he's not in any of them. I almost always took pictures of my kids and my husband with our tree, but my granddaughter was out of sorts, so I didn't even take any pictures of my own family. Last year I told them I wasn't sure I was going to get out of bed on either day, so don't come to my house. But of course I did get out of bed and show up. For my daughter and her family mostly. I am not hosting any holidays this year for the whole big family, that is certain. I would mostly like to sleep through the next three months, does that sound like a good plan? Starting on Halloween and ending on January 31. Wake up to Groundhog Day and hear Sonny and Cher singing I Got You Babe. Wasn't that the song? So anyway good luck, I know its hard to be around people who don't get it, even for a day and especially a day that's supposed to be joyous. The days that nobody expects you to be all happy and everything are so much easier, at least for me.

Susan-I can't even go in the Young Men's Departments of the stores that I shop at. When I notice that I'm getting close, I turn around and go the other way. I know you still have to shop for Ragan, so you have no choice. I think sometimes people don't understand how differently we all grieve (just like we're all different when we're happy or mad) and "expect" us to react the way they do or think they would. It sounds like you and Ragan are just grieving in your own way and your own time. But talking to someone has helped many of us here, so maybe it would help. The best therapy I've had is talking to the people here who really understand what I'm going through. Hugs

Josie-I so admire 911 workers. 911 was called when his friend couldn't wake Westley up that morning. Afterward at the hospital, the EMS guy gave me his phone number on a sticky note, with his name. He told me they'd done everything they could, and he felt that it had happened sometime before they were called (not in the way of blaming, but just to say that it was too late by the time he was found unresponsive). I never called him, but I still have the sticky note. I don't know why.

Well, just felt so down last night that when I got in I just ate a sandwich and sat on the couch until it was late enough to go to bed. Very busy at work and wearing the smile all day wears me out. Everything wears me out. Hugs to you all, hope you're making it okay

[lolynbo]

LOVE THAT PICTURE OF ETHAN....ETHAN ETHAN ETHAN...

I GUESS PART OF MY HEART IS DEAD....JUST SAW IN THE PAPER WHERE THE KIDS AT THE FOOTBALL FIELD WAS "REMEMEMBERING DANIEL" I THGT MAYBE HE HAD DIED ....FINISHED READING STORY HE LOST HIS ARM IN A CAR WRECK...SO THEN MY MIND GOES "HE JUST LOST HIS ARM, HE HAS 2.....HIS PARENTS STILL HAVE HIM"......

SEE I TOLD U IN A UGLY MOOD

[hoosiermom]

The first Christmas after Brianna died (it was only 6 mo later) I sat in my room and cried....all day....not one family member came by or called to see how I was doing. I had one good friend come over and bring me a plate of food from her family gathering. My other daughters went to their dad's and left me alone. It was the most horrible Christmas I have ever had to endure, so I made a vow to never do that again.

Last year I worked at a local convenience store for 4 hours, pitched in with my sister and made pulled pork sandwiches, then went to a late movie with my sis, daughter and nephew. I did gifts with my daughters on Christmas Eve. My goal was to treat Christmas like any other day and it seemed to work for me.

This year I don't know what will happen. I have a man in my life for the first time in many years, and he has 3 boys ages 12, 10 and 7. I know his family gets together so I suppose we will go to his parent's. I don't think I'll be able to treat it like any other day. I think I'll be ok though. It was being alone and neglected that first year that added to the pain of missing Brianna. I will never enjoy the holidays again, I do know that. I have never been real big on tradition so whatever I need to do to get through the day, I will do it. The good thing is that he is always sensitive to my loss even though he never knew Brianna.

After she died, I drove myself crazy trying to find the very last picture I took of her. I never could decide which one was THE LAST so I settled on her school picture even though I am sure that wasn't it. Even now I look at it and think, how can that possibly be the last school picture I will ever have of my daughter.

Thinking of all Indigos and angels today and every day.....Jenn

[Susie_q512]

Dee - I do love me some Neil Young every now and again....typically when I am feeling nostalgic.

Lorri - Hate to admit it, but I thought the same thing. Feeling sorry for the kid that has to learn a new way of living in his altered state, but jealous of the parents who still have their child. I guess this is just part of our human nature....we've LOST our children...the absolute worst thing to experience....sure hope these parents know how blessed they are not to have been placed on this journey with us. Hope someone reminds them of how terrible this accident could have been....hope they hug their boy, bath him in kisses and love, and thank God and the Universe that he is alive. We all know how much worse this could have been....so much worse.

Brianna's Mom - Wishing I could erase that first sad and very lonely Christmas without your sweet girl. So very sorry that you experienced such injury added to the open wound of your loss and heartache. I will be thinking of you this season and praying that it will be kinder and gentler to you.

To all facing the unpleasantness of the holidays before us....wish I had the answers we seek.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[dwsmithrn]

ETHAN.....HOPING TODAY YOU SHINE DOWN ON YOUR MOM AND DAD AND GIVE THEM A RAY OF SUNSHINE AND COMFORT....WE SAY YOUR NAME OUTLOUD TODAY AND HOPE YOU AND ALL THE ANGELS SEND LOVE THIS WAY....

ETHAN.....ETHAN....ETHAN....ETHAN....ETHAN....ETHAN...ETHAN...ETHAN....ETHAN....ETHAN....ETHAN...ETHAN...ETHAN...

[dwsmithrn]

HI INDIGOS... today we go to counseling...i do look forward to going. i think it makes me feel better...i hoard up all the things i want to tell her, then spew it out once i get there. i can bare my soul to her and not have to hide a thing....i need that every now and again. things i feel i can't say to others, i can say to her.

also, tomorrow is when i leave for greenville, nc to go to the memorial for nathan. i have mixed feelings about it, but i will be f.i.n.e. once i get there, i'm sure...my peeps will be there to hold me up.

carol, glad to hear from you and know you are having a nice and safe trip.

colleen, i DO lay around and wallow in self pity, alot...i deserve it...at least for now...we just lost our child, for God's sake...we need to do this.

i don't care what anyone else thinks about it. i can do it if i want to...and that is what my husband tells me...if you need it, do it.

rhonda, bless your heart...i don't want to do any of the holidays...these will be the 'FIRSTS' for me, and the last time i actually saw nathan was christmas day last year...NO, i do not want to participate in any of my usual holiday preparations, rituals, celebrations or any of it. i do want to run away for about 3-4 months and not show myself until at least january is over with. at least then the first year would be over. i am not having christmas. we are going to have some sort of exchanging of gifts on the 26th. i just can't do any thing other than that. it is not the same and i don't want to even do that. i am already sad and broken, so no holidays for me. bless your heart.

jenn...those firsts seem so hard to handle and i don't know yet how i will handle them...i am not looking forward to them at all.

lorri, bless your heart. i am so sorry you are having such a hard time of it...if some of us were together, we could just get in our pj's and hold up somewhere in a big bed and do absolutely nothing....we could cry and yell and be mad and sad together.

susan, hang in there with us...somehow, we will make it through...somehow, someday.

dee...you always have something positive to say...so, i always try to find those big foot prints that are ahead of me and follow them...and maybe someday, i, too can find some sort of peace down the road.

to all my indigo friends/family...i love this place and i thank every one of you for your words, good or bad. they do help me through these dark and sad days....i feel your pain and i look forward to some sort of happiness one day....thanks.....diane

last time i saw my nate.....dec. 25th, 2010....holding his niece, my grandchild, avery...

[Jeff's Mom]

Just sitting and reading posts from the past few days. It had me remembering holiday time both past and present. Everything is now put into that catagory. Before and after. Our first Christmas was so soon after Jeff had died that we still walked around in a complete fog. December 12th. Eat, swallow, sleep, breathe...I kept repeating to myself. I am walking and I know my feet are on the ground, but I feel as if I am drifting or floating and nobody can actually be aware of how I am truly feeling. I'll wake up any moment now and it will all have been a very bad dream. My brother flew home for three days. He stayed with my sister and her family. Then...poof! They were gone...off to Christmas vacations, other family. Get over it...stay busy...keep active and it will soon be better they told me. NO, it was not getting better. NO, he did not take his life they said! How could you even say such a thing? No way...but he did! We won't listen...find help.

Christmas Day...a fog....spent drifting from room to room...wanting to sit, but needed to stand. Standing but needing to sit. Could not find a place to escape. Finally sitting a and watching an old re-run of the Xmas movie with the kid that wanted a pellet gun. Rememer the kids name, Ralph, but can't remember the name of the movie. Did we eat that night? I guess so. I can't remember. I know we were alone. Last Christmas the first real Xmas without him where we were finally making progress...poof again! Family off on holidays. Can't miss those warm climes! Sat looking at the tree we had won in a charity auction. Named it Jeff's Tree. He loved Christmas. We all did. Don't know what is going to happen this year. We forced ourselves to put up the outdoor lights recently. As we live in a cold clime we always put them up early and then turn them on at a later date. I held the ladder while he climbed and attached the lights to the eves. And even now after almost two years I am looking at those lights wondering what now? He's moved on...and I need to get on with it too! But can I? This pain is like wearing a coat with many layers. It takes time to shed each one.

Thanksgivings past, Christmases past ....remembered as fun. Food, laughter, good cheer. Where did it go? Why? A few years ago I was in Vermont at a lovely country Inn. They were preparing everything for the American Thanksgiving. I remember talking to one woman that told me it was the biggest holiday of the year. I also remember thinking ...Yikes...so close to Christmas having to prepare two huge functions. Can't be easy. Our Thanksgiving is in October. Time to digest the meal before the next big occasion. Gosh we enjoyed it! I know we had Thanksgiving this year. But I simply can't remember what we did. Nothing special. This has to change and pronto

So a sleepover with p.j's and warm comforting food and a nice glass of wine..while we all yell sounds good to me. Then we can watch a decent movie. Something funny. And maybe share a few laughs together. We've shared enough tears, eh?

[hoosiermom]

For some of us, we must be like a huge blinking neon sign to our families who don't get it....THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.

Maybe that's why they don't "get" our pain....hits too close to home? If this could happen to my close family, then no one I love and care about is safe.

Just thinking out loud here so never mind me lol....but I remember on that first Christmas when I finally did talk to my dad, and told him just how awful it was for me, his reply was "yeah I wondered how your day went" but he never thought to pick up a phone?

I'm all for the pj party.

Love and light...Jenn

[briansdad]

One my favorite Neil Young songs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVC2cszdTao

[westleysmom]

Kate-Your first Christmas without Jeff was my last one with Westley. If you and Jenn plan a PJ party, I'm all over it.

Diane-That is a great picture of Nathan and Avery. For me the first holidays was very hard, I don't know if this year will be better or worse for me. I hope that it will not be as bad. It will be my grandson's first Christmas, so I hope that will help.

ETHAN-ETHAN-ETHAN Hoping that your family feels your presence today and every day

[mikesmomrs]

Oh,I am taking a break from cleaning the truck in preparation for leaving here tomorrow. Will spend the night in Knoxville....RHONDA WHERE DO U LIVE? I know u r in TN but can't recall where and using BI on the Android for some weird reason I am not able to see the profile that comes up usually with our avatar. R u near Knoxville?

Reading the posts abt the holidays...mike died on 14to october, so christmas was

the done mostly on auto pilot and if it weren't for the g'kids I think I wld have stayed in the back of the closet. I can't look back at previous posts while I am posting on this phone, so I am not sure who it was that posted abt their 1st Christmas coming after their child had died on the 12thAndroid of december but I can't imagine how painful that wld be and difficult to do for anyone, grandkids or not. I do know though that we all share our sorrows and our triumphs and we all handle the season our own way which is the only way and hopefully others will understand and if they don't then that is their own to deal with.

DIANE, I am so glad that jim has told u to do what YOU need to do and, having met him, I would not have expected him to say anything else. He is a gem for sure. I hope that your family understands the need for u to do it your own way. Having seen Nate for the last time on Christmas wld sure make a tough day even tougher. My heart to you.

I am going to post this so I can reread the posts I can't remember as I know there was something that I wanted to address.