Loss of an Adult Child

[briansdad]

Hey BD...who would have guessed? Gather you are a huge fan! Our Jets lost last night. Really need to work on the team. Goalie sure has to pull it together. Still, it is their first season... so we shouldn't be too critical.

That's OK Kate. It's been a while for my Blues to be in the playoffs. THAT is the sport I love the most. I used to tell Brian... I hope I live long enough to see the Blues win a Cup.He would just grin and say Yeah me too.

[rlolheiser]

thank you all so much for your kind words throughout the day. It helped me so much.. felt so alone today. Dan the you made her picture even more beautiful, thank you.

It is so hard, knowing JaBoa's mom is in jail, not able to see her or talk to her, I can't afford it. I pray God fixes her, brings her back to being a loving mom and she gets her boy back, and Sena. It is such a waste, I know she has to face her wrongs.. just watching is so hard..

thank you for being here..

[ericasmom]

Goodnight Friends,

I hope everyone has sweet sleep, the kind where you feel yourself falling there and when you wake up, you feel refreshed and able. Leah, I pray that tomorrow there is renewed energy and hope.

Rhonda, thanks, I hope the dress fits come Saturday...yes, I am taking Thursday off in order to go to the cemetery with Jonathan and all of his Boston cousins and his uncles from here and we will bury Betty's ashes, Jonathan and Erica's Grandma. Then if JOn is able, he will let some of Michael's ashes go into the gravesite with his Grandma where his Grandpa is buried too. THen we will walk to ERi's gravesite and send her some group love and energy.

I took off Friday and Monday. Now I have to write plans for all three days which takes me about as long as it does to teach ...I do want to be present in all the build up, and i want to spend time with the relatives coming in from elsewhere. Friday night we (husband and I) throw the rehearsal dinner so that is a big deal...60 people. HOping that the weather cooperates so that all those coming in are able to fly and land and take part in a very pretty wedding event.

[Guest msnher]

Dee, it sounds so wonderful. I hope you'll post pictures.

[ericasmom]

I will definitely post Sus, but you know how slow I am at that.

Today is Halloween, one of Eri's favorite days. I am dressing as Poppy the mouse from one of my favorite books that I read to the kids...by AVI. I am hoping i look like a mouse, but oh well, we'll see.

Have a safe Halloween Everyone.

[Guest msnher]

I don't know how to copy properly. I highly recommend everyone google "A Sister's Eulogy for Steve Jobs". Read through to the end. Wow!

[Jeff's Mom]

I will definitely post Sus, but you know how slow I am at that.

Today is Halloween, one of Eri's favorite days. I am dressing as Poppy the mouse from one of my favorite books that I read to the kids...by AVI. I am hoping i look like a mouse, but oh well, we'll see.

Have a safe Halloween Everyone.

Dee...cute costume. Sure the kids will love it! Hope you have fun tonight. I guess this week things are going to be pretty wild for all concerned in your household. I'll be thinking of you at the graveside service. Good luck.

Betsy, hope the weather is improving your way. How is your dad doing?

Everyone else...if you live in the U.S. northeast and were impacted by the storm...hope everyone is recovering and you did not suffer too much damage.

Have a safe and fun Halloween!

[Jeff's Mom]

thank you all so much for your kind words throughout the day. It helped me so much.. felt so alone today. Dan the you made her picture even more beautiful, thank you.

It is so hard, knowing JaBoa's mom is in jail, not able to see her or talk to her, I can't afford it. I pray God fixes her, brings her back to being a loving mom and she gets her boy back, and Sena. It is such a waste, I know she has to face her wrongs.. just watching is so hard..

thank you for being here..

Will definitely keep her in my prayers. Take care of yourself too!

[Jeff's Mom]

That's OK Kate. It's been a while for my Blues to be in the playoffs. THAT is the sport I love the most. I used to tell Brian... I hope I live long enough to see the Blues win a Cup.He would just grin and say Yeah me too.

I always love it when the underdog wins! You sound like a really loyal fan of the team. My husband is a Jay fan. Did Brian play ball when he was growing up? Our boys were more into hockey and soccer. Yet,many of my friends had their kids playing baseball. I see today that La Russa is retiring after 33 years. Nice way to go out.

[ericasmom]

as per Susannahs request:

http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/steve-jobs-final-words-shared-sister-eulogy

Sus, it was fabulous, makes me smile and cry. By the way, I read Mona Simpsons book, Anywhere but here an d it is fabulous.

[daveydow1]

Dee-----Your dress for the wedding sounds so beautiful....violet silk. Your Poppy the Mouse costume will

surely delight the children, since you have already read them the story. Our fall has been

terrible...weatherwise. All rain & cold. No Indian Summer . We had about 3 or 4 nice days in Oct. ...that's all. They

were able to combine the soybeans, but having trouble getting to the cornfields to get that

done. There's still time for it though. You sure do have a lot of activities coming up to the

wedding, and of course, the big day. It's good that you have some time off. Best wishes to Jon & Shannon .

Kate-----I've been reading a lot of what you have written about the music scene in Canada/

Neal Young/ Dylan etc. So interesting. Thanks for all the info.

Betsy-----Sorry that your area has been so hard-hit by the winter storm. So crazy for Oct.

Pam-----Great portrait of Andy. Thanks for posting it.

Rhonda----I read, with amusement, your story of West's Caddillac with one side scraped. My

daughter was also hard on automobiles when she was a teen. My husband gave her his

Celebrity to drive. She always parked it to one side of the double garage to the left. One day

in the a.m., we noticed that it was parked to the right of the garage up close to the large

blue spruce. Upon closer examination,.......we saw the reason for the switch in parking places----

The right side was scraped and 'wrinkled' from front fender to back taillight. She had clipped

a wodden rail fence out in the country that stood right next to a pretty sharp bend.....flat ground.

It didn't damage the fence, but sure did mess the car up. (She got grounded for that).....Now

that she's married and has two little boys, she's a much safer driver...very concientous.

JABOA............JABOA...........SWEET ANGEL JABOA........ SMILE DOWN ON

YOUR GRAM & FAMILY TO WARM THEIR HEARTS.

Leah------Sorry I missed Jaboa's day. Sending lots of thoughts & prayers your way, that things will

get better, and that your dear memories of that little angel can help you through the rough times. Peace.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL IN THE INDIGO FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Thanks Sherry, yes the color you used is the color. I think that we are all aiming for those few days to rest in each others love amid the busy time. It will be so nice to blend the families, Shannon Green will become Shannon Green-Reith. Cute hu? My Son and Daughter are Reiths.

Sorry that you have not had good fall weather, ours has been lovely and the trees still hold their leaves today...we had our Halloween parade and it was in the upper 50's and sunny. Perfect. I am so tired.

Rhonda, ERi also had a Caddie, a very old one that she received from Grandmom on her 18th birthday. IT was already about 12 or so years old. Everytime we looked, there was more duct tape on it. Grandmom kept it in good shape, but ERi had it and needed tape to hold parts on. My Funny Girl, I miss you.

[Guest msnher]

Jasmine as a blue butterfly. Mariah is batgirl and Jonathon the ninja. Grandpa's taking them halloweening. I've swathed in vicks vapor rub and in bed.

Have a safe night Everyone!

[ericasmom]

Sus-cute photo, I hope that they have a fabulous time.

I am done handing out candy, it was fun but I am done 10 minutes before the official end time. Teens started coming without even a bag to carry anything...

going to take a chilly walk and do some homework.

Love to all,

dee

[summergirl]

Sweet JaBoa, I am so sorry I missed your day and I pray that your mom and grandma felt your presence, a whisper in the wind, a brush upon the cheek, the feel of your hugs.....

[summergirl]

I HAVE WRITTEN TWO LONG POSTS AND HAVE LOST BOTH OF THEM SO I AM JUST GOING TO SAY HELLO, I MISS YOU ALL AND I THINK OF YOU EACH DAY......WANT TO GET TO KNOW THE NEW FRIENDS SO WILL BE COMING MORE OFTEN.

I WILL POST A COUPLE OF PICS OF TAVIAN AND I BEING SILLY ON HALLOWEEN....

LOVE TO ALL, KATHY

THIS WAS SO FUNNY, TAVIAN DID NOT WEAR IT SO I WORE IT TRICK-OR-TREATING......SO MANY PEOPLE LAUGHED AND ACTUALLY WANTED TO TAKE MY PIC......TOO FUNNY.....

[Jeff's Mom]

Just finished watching Battle of the Blades. Waiting for anyone to come to the door! Living in the country it is very quiet. We had the yearly Halloween visit from our Irish neighbour playwrite with his daughter... how old do kids actually go out until? She has to be at least fourteen ...wow what a costume! Apart from that I have a ton of candy to dispense. Will give it out to the next kid passing. Law & Order UK is about to start. My husband is anxiously waiting for me to give the all clear to tie into the goodies. Looks like he's good to go.

Thinking of all of you tonight. Thinking of Halloweens past with Jeff. It's hard.

[ericasmom]

Battle of the Blades? Hockey or is this a show? Sounds like you two will be eating some candy. I had some teens too, and without costumes and without even a bag to put candy into, so that is when I said, time to turn the lights out. I think I trick-or-treated until I was 12 or so. Yep, remembering times when Erz was here, loving to dress up and loving the parties.

Going to bed, so very ready after a long day with a lot of hyped third graders...we did have fun. The whole school walks in a six block parade, so that is my favorite part, all dressed up and walking along to the neighbors sitting out on the curbs and porches to watch. Fun.

[mikesmum]

Hi Indigos. Love reading the Halloween stories, seeing the costumes. There was a time when Halloween wasn't acknowledged here. But do to marketing and commercialism we now have supermarkets selling 'Halloween Sized' candy bags and there are costumes aplenty.

Here in the hills we don't seem to have much in the way of door knocker. Melissa and her kids celebrate if that's the right word. This year I sent them a 'how to turn a melon into a brain' from the Disney website. Awesome.

The weather here is leaning more to winter. Nothing like the snow and wintery conditions you on the east coast are feeling though.

Dee - the dress sounds brilliant and you know how I love that colour. Would loved to have been amongst the neighbours that sat as your grade parade passed by.

Sherry - Ah those days of young drivers. The wrinkles the bumps and the scrapes. How we held our breath when they finally get their licence and head out for the first time. Mike's sister Melissa was our bump girl. She was driving my old Corolla station wagon (1978 model). It had served us well as a second and learner car. This day she came over a hill and the traffic had come to a stop. Wet road, skid and bang. She had hit a brand new hire car. Luckily she was on our insurance. The rental was a write off, the solid Corolla needed a head light and grill. Mike took her to the wreckers and scored headlight and bumper for about $10!

Its been a horror weekend here. A young family, mum dad and two kids aged 4 and 2 were killed just out of town. This morning a 16yr old was killed when the car he was in driven by a 14yr old lost control and hit a tree. The message never seems to make it through.

I hope you are all able to find some memory that warms you & some space to just be

[Jeff's Mom]

Battle of the Blades? Hockey or is this a show? Sounds like you two will be eating some candy. I had some teens too, and without costumes and without even a bag to put candy into, so that is when I said, time to turn the lights out. I think I trick-or-treated until I was 12 or so. Yep, remembering times when Erz was here, loving to dress up and loving the parties.

Going to bed, so very ready after a long day with a lot of hyped third graders...we did have fun. The whole school walks in a six block parade, so that is my favorite part, all dressed up and walking along to the neighbors sitting out on the curbs and porches to watch. Fun.

Dee, oh, I am sooooo sick today. I finally hit the candy bowl and went at it like there was no tomorrow! Broke every promise to myself. I should have fired the entire thing into my neighbours daughters bag!!!! Yes, Battle of the Blades is a weekly hockey tv show. It involves a professional figure skater that is paired with a professional hockey player. They teach the hockey player figure skating and they put on a weekly performance. Then they are graded and one pair is eliminated each week. They skate for charities. It's lots of fun to watch.

Glad you had fun yesterday with the kids. How did your costume turn out? Love to see the little ones dressed up and so excited. I'll be thinking of you as the week progresses. Have a wonderful time at the wedding!

Kate

[mikesmomrs]

Hello everyone...just posting to say hello and that I am thinking of u all...as usual u r in

My prayersfor everyday. We r now in Virginia visiting with kim and the the girls...Jst got here yesterday. Didn't get to see Rachel (kins youngest at 10) as she was at a friends for trick or treating and wasn't coming back til much later. We were tired from the drive and needed to get to the hotel to shower and get some sleep. We spent the weekend on the other side of Virginia with some friends we knew from when we lived on Guam. We haven't seen them in almost 30 years but it was like we had seem them yesterday and we had a really good visit. We will see kim and the girls tonight and take them out for supper and then spend wed and Thursday here at the hotel for some alone time. Our room overlooks the beach and though somewhat chilly it is beautiful. We will pick up the girls friday after schooland they will stay here with us til Sunday afternoon. Planning on doing some go carts and shopping, maybe even a movie.

Leah, so sorry I missed jabot's day...I hope ur sweet angel surrounded u with her beautiful spirit and u were able to find a few moments of peace to Jst think of some sweet memories of her.

DEE: how happy u sound amidst your weariness, when tlkg abt the wedding...I hope you all have a wonderful time and create new beautiful memories to cherish. Eris physical presence will be missed but you know she will be there with you all every moment to share in the boy of her precious brother's big day. Sending love and prayers for a beautiful life together for them.

When I am posting from ralphs phone, I can't go back to either see what I've written or any previous posts so I ask your indulgences for any ridiculous spell check changes this phone may do to my posted words. Also for any references I may make to someone's post and mention the wrong name.

TRUDI: so very sorry abt the tragedies of the weekend in your area. So very very sad. I will keep all in my prayers. I hope the warmer days return soon and chase the lingering chilly ones away as spring settles in with the promise of warmer days ahead.

BETSY: So glad u got home okay and that u found your phone right away and it still works. Ralph had just gotten some new very expensive eyeglasses a cple of winters ago and dropped them (in their case fortunately) on the way into the house during a huge snowstorm. After the plow came the piles around our house were 5-6feet high, but come spring and the snow melted, there they were, still safe and like new, in their case!

PAM: Loved the picture of andy and the pumpkin...sweet things for them to do.

GREG: We too were glad to see the Cards win the series...caught the games here and there while traveling and yes, the whole series was pretty exciting and intense. So glad Ladies (tsp?) Got to retire with the fanfare of a world series win to take with him.

LORRI: thinking of you and holding u close in prayer and thought. How is KODY doing?

DIANE: Hoping u r hvg some better days. Holding u close also

SUS and KATHY: Thanks for sharing the pics of the costumes...just great. And, Kathy, what a riot!

BETH: so good to see ur post and to hear that Elisha is doing better. Cld u post the address again as I wld like to send her a postcard. I don't remember if u posted the address or asked us to pm u for it. You can pm it to me if u prefer. Nice to see sweet zachy's face.

I know there have been some new people join recently and I welcome each to this place of comfort and understanding.

I also have a request to make...plse keep Davis in your prayers...he is hvg an especially rough time right now and decided to go back to rehab for the full treatment this time and unfortunately there is a 2-3 month waiting list. He is begging us to allow him to come back home and it is tearing me apart to say no but I know that I can't say yes as that will Jst put us back to square one and I don't have the strength for that, though I wonder how much strength I have left for this "tough love " stuff that I know we must do. I had hoped to put all of these concerns "in a box" while on this trip, but unfortunately things have happened that have prevented my being able to do that.

I need to go to lunch now so will sign off with hopes that no ridiculous spell check entries have been made that I have missed (I've tried to pay close attention as I've typed).

My prayers and love to all of my indigo family...I have missed being here so very much but have tried to read every day.

[mikesmomrs]

GREG: I meant of course "LARUSA " and not "ladies" in my reference to the Cares winning the world series...a spell check correction I missed.

DEE: I also meant "joy" and not "boy" in reference to Eri's being there in spirit for her brother's big day.

[mikesmomrs]

GREG: Of course I meant "LARUSA" and not "ladies"in reference to the card's winning the series!

DEE: I meant "joy"and not "boy" when referring to Erica's spirit being there for her precious brother's big day!

Aaarrrggghhhh! Auto spell check suuuuuucccckkkks!

[mikesmomrs]

Sorry about the double post ....didn't think the first one went through...shld have left well enough alone!

[Guest msnher]

Carol said they spent the day on the other side of Virginia, but I read Vietnam. I casually wondered, "Why are they in Vietnam?"

I think my cold has peaked and now has to begin to heal. I'm swathed in vicks and sticking my head under a towel, trapping the moist air from the vaporizer. That's my health update. I'll keep you posted.

Our new kitten is already quite spoiled. I introduced him to my spray bottle (water) this morning. He hissed at it and prepared for battle.

That's about all from Wyoming...where it's snowing. I hope all of you in the east are safe and warm.

[dwsmithrn]

hi indigo friends/family.....

ok....i am in a mood i cannot explain....2 steps forward...a million steps back....so, i drove to ECU to the homecoming celebration, and the OT department had a really nice celebration in nathan's memory...real nice and special. his friend, patrick, talked a little bit, and they gave us gifts, his professors and dept heads and students talked with us...people who went to school with nathan came up and spoke with us...just well done...i shed a few tears, but got through it...they were just so nice and attentive. lots of things going on...i made it through that. that was on saturday....

the things that really got me going:....my oldest son, patrick....called me friday on my birthday for the first time in years....he wished me a HB then went on to talk about other things....their upcoming trip, what he has been doing, etc, etc....he asked me where i was, and i told him....the memorial service at ECU....he then proceeded to chastise me for writing stuff on nathan's face book page that other people 'could read'....like my grief, my sadness, my feelings. i was so shocked i didn't know what to say....i let him go on to tell me how inappropriate it is for me to air my feelings on FB and so forth....that i should be 'moving on' by now and that i have 3 living children and grandchildren i should be thinking about and not nathan all the time....i was so shocked that a 36 y/o man was so jealous, even in death over his brother....really? i have been there to visit, took the kids school clothes shopping, went out to eat, to the movie, etc, etc....i have not ignored them...and the phone calls go both ways...i wrote one last note to nathan on his page and cancelled my FB account. i just don't need this crap right now.

then. low and behold, i got this long, very long message from one of nathan's friends...she said i needed 'help' because i haven't 'moved on' in this many months yet....she proposed i get some counseling and find my faith and a few other things. she compared this to her daughter losing her pet and told her daughter she was being selfish because her pet was in a better place, all healthy and happy and such....can you believe the nerve of this girl? can you believe any of this....i feel like i am in a nightmare....just when i thought i was doing better, i am back to square one or two. i am so upset i have called my couselor to try to get an earlier appt....i can't live like this....i can't be in a negative environment....i am already having a hard enough time, how can my own son and a stranger try to tell me how and when and how not grieve my lost child. i would be willing to bet you it would be totally different if the shoes were on their feet. they just cannot fathom the obscenity of this ever happening to them. it's ok if it's going on with someone else, but not to them. i don't even know how to react, much less what to say....i am dumbfounded, totally. i responded to the girl, with a little bit about grief, but i said little else. i sure hope she never has to experience this. and i really hope my children will never have to go through this, i don't think i could go through this again...ever....i could not do this with them. i would literally lose my soul....

what am i supposed to do....? i have no idea. i am so lost again. crying all the time again...sad, lonely and lost.

thanks for listening.....diane

[ericasmom]

Diane, I am also dumbfounded by these behaviors, not yours but those of your Son and the friend...may they never know. I don't think that posting your feelings on FB is inappropriate at all, but I don't have facebook. Is your Son somehow embarrassed about how his Brother died, (forgive me for asking that just wondering if that might be what is up) could this really be his guilt showing? I know it must be hard to have your son tell you this but... I have to say that in my opinion you have not had to go back to square one, you are so much further than that Di, you just were blindsided by these two unwelcome critiques of your grief. I think that I would state it like this too, that if you had asked these two or anyone for their opinion to your grief, well then you have to accept their view, but you did not. I am holding you and seriously telling you that we here see what you are going through, we see your progress and we feel your ache and your successes. Keep on climbing Diane, and know that I am seeing things through your eyes. NOthing wrong with your vision.

[westleysmom]

Diane-I wish I could give you a hug. As for your son, I'm so sorry he has hurt you so badly. It sounds like he's angry at Nathan, and is struggling with what Nathan's death has cost you, his own dear Mama. I wish he would have just kept it to himself, but he is hurting too and I guess wanted to get it off his chest.

As for the 'friend", I guess I'm just a witch so nobody has ever shared with me outright their opinion of my inadequate or somehow faulty response to my son's death, but in case it ever happens, that unfortunate would receive no mercy. I guess that my response would be something along the lines of "Oh, I am so sorry. I didn't know that you had lost a child and are an expert on this! How ever did you handle it? Can you help me do this exactly right like you did? What? You haven't lost a child? Why are you telling me how I should handle it? What gives you the right to even have an opinion on how I handle my grief, much less share your sorry-ass opinion with me? "

And you are doing better, so much better than you were. You are not back to square one at all, but sometimes it feels that way when others make us feel like we can't even be sad right. Try not to let it get you down. I'm glad that the service was nice and you got some comfort from Nathan's friends and co-workers. Isn't it funny how sometimes the most comfort comes from the people that are not as close to us? I think that people who are close are still dealing with their own issues and grief and just don't have it to give to us when we need it. My two cents dear Diane. But just know that we all understand and think you're doing as good as you can and sister, that's all anybody can do.

HUGS!!!!

[ericasmom]

RIGHT ON RHONDA!!!!

[Guest msnher]

Diane, I would tell them both to go fornicate themselves. But, that's just me. I told Karen to think of how I would handle something and then do the complete opposite.

Don't let anyone tell you how you should grieve.

Don't let anyone tell you how long you should grieve.

Period.

[mikesmum]

Carol - So great to hear the trip is a success. Covering so much ground reuniting with so many memories from long ago. I know the situation with Davis is tearing you apart. His telling you that he wants to do the full rehab, even though there is waiting period is a positive step. The tough love isn't easy, to say no to him coming back to your home, but its something that he needs to enable him to move forward.

Love the typo's spell check errors. Confirms that I won't be using a mobile any time soon for email etc...

Dee - Its Wednesday here so I'm guessing you only have two or so days before the rehersal dinner, the family gathering and many other wedding associated things. Enjoy your 'chilly walks' these next days and be kind to yourself as the memories flow into those new ones being made.

And now for the vent.

Diane - Firstly, a hug from those who know to wrap round you. The only time I've had this type of 'insensitivity' was from Steven's partner. It was along that same thinking. I have other children, grandchildren who are here and now. Mike was gone and it was about time I 'got on with it'. Sad thing was youngest son didn't leap to my defense, he in fact was dumbstruck. He did make me a nice cup of tea after the tyriad subsided. I was lost for words ~ there is nothing you can say to give a real understanding of this experience.

As for FB, well Melissa put together a Memorial page for Mike. While not much is posted now, there has never been a post on it to me or Melissa to 'get over it' or seek help.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/group.php?gid=10150134303755578

I guess the ignorance comes from the lack of experience and I don't have it in me to wish this nightmare on anyone just so they might 'get it'.

2 steps forward...a million steps back....so, i drove to ECU to the homecoming celebration, and the OT department had a really nice celebration in nathan's memory...real nice and special. his friend, patrick, talked a little bit, and they gave us gifts, his professors and dept heads and students talked with us...people who went to school with nathan came up and spoke with us...just well done...i shed a few tears, but got through it...they were just so nice and attentive. lots of things going on...i made it through that. that was on saturday....

Diane this shows just how far you have come. Being able to see through that event on Saturday is a big milestone. It was a positive reflection of Nathan's life by those who came to know him. Being 'attacked' by those who you thought should understand and the airheads that want 15mins of FB fame without a clue sucks the energy from you. This will pass, the tears will continue to come and go.

So in your honour I award the dual 'DUMBASS THINGS SAID BY THOSE WHO MIGHT KNOW BETTER' to those who I hope will never know the world in which we survive.

[Guest msnher]

Me either, Trudi. I don't have it in me to wish this on anyone.

[summergirl]

Diane - I do not believe we have spoken much but I have to get my "2 cents" in also about the "insensative people" - as said before it is those we least expect it from that seem to hurt us the most........From what I have read you have taken many steps forward and if you take a few backwards then you are right on track with the rest of us, it is the worst journey you will ever walk and NO ONE, no matter who they are has a right to tell you how, what, when, where you should feel, or move on or get over it !!! I am in agreement with Rhonda...the "protect my child" instincts take over and I just say what I think and if they don't like it then OH WELL !! I will be without my Jessica 6 years this coming February and I am "not over it and NEVER will be"..... Hang tight with those here, the ones who truely understand. I also agree with Dee that maybe your son Patrick is having his own issues and maybe you should tell him how he made you feel, maybe he didn't realize he hurt you so badly.....forgive me if I am over stepping the boundries....As for FB girl well don't even give her the satisfaction of a reply or on the other hand tell her where to get off......Hugs to you as you keep taking those baby steps forward.

Carol....as I read what you wrote (below) the tears came

I also have a request to make...plse keep Davis in your prayers...he is hvg an especially rough time right now and decided to go back to rehab for the full treatment this time and unfortunately there is a 2-3 month waiting list. He is begging us to allow him to come back home and it is tearing me apart to say no but I know that I can't say yes as that will Jst put us back to square one and I don't have the strength for that, though I wonder how much strength I have left for this "tough love " stuff that I know we must do. I had hoped to put all of these concerns "in a box" while on this trip, but unfortunately things have happened that have prevented my being able to do that. I too am asking that you please keep my son in your prayers as he has found himself on the "bad road" once again, it is breaking my heart to say no but I HAVE TOO, I cannot let myself be taken down that road anymore, he is my son but he is also 34 years old and I just cannot do it anymore....I am hurt and so very sad BUT I remind myself each day that "I have endured the worst pain a parent can feel so I can def deal with this, I can keep saying no until he "gets it", he has to make the choice to save himself, to get into a rehab, whatever it takes because "I cannot save him" although I want to I know I cannot.....Strength and Prayers for both of us my friend...

To all other indigo's....much love and prayers to all.....Tavian is getting ready for bed so I must go tuck him in...YES, I said tuck him in....he has been going to bed by himself for 4 nights in a row now and I am so proud of him, I knew the day would come and I really thought I would be so happy about it and part of me is but the other part realizes that he is not a baby anymore and I am going to miss those nights of lying there with him holding my hand until he fell asleep.....Just not ready for him to grow up, want to keep him this age forever so I can always keep him safe with me......if only some wishes came true..... Good night my friends...Kathy

[Jeff's Mom]

hi indigo friends/family.....

ok....i am in a mood i cannot explain....2 steps forward...a million steps back....so, i drove to ECU to the homecoming celebration, and the OT department had a really nice celebration in nathan's memory...real nice and special. his friend, patrick, talked a little bit, and they gave us gifts, his professors and dept heads and students talked with us...people who went to school with nathan came up and spoke with us...just well done...i shed a few tears, but got through it...they were just so nice and attentive. lots of things going on...i made it through that. that was on saturday....

the things that really got me going:....my oldest son, patrick....called me friday on my birthday for the first time in years....he wished me a HB then went on to talk about other things....their upcoming trip, what he has been doing, etc, etc....he asked me where i was, and i told him....the memorial service at ECU....he then proceeded to chastise me for writing stuff on nathan's face book page that other people 'could read'....like my grief, my sadness, my feelings. i was so shocked i didn't know what to say....i let him go on to tell me how inappropriate it is for me to air my feelings on FB and so forth....that i should be 'moving on' by now and that i have 3 living children and grandchildren i should be thinking about and not nathan all the time....i was so shocked that a 36 y/o man was so jealous, even in death over his brother....really? i have been there to visit, took the kids school clothes shopping, went out to eat, to the movie, etc, etc....i have not ignored them...and the phone calls go both ways...i wrote one last note to nathan on his page and cancelled my FB account. i just don't need this crap right now.

then. low and behold, i got this long, very long message from one of nathan's friends...she said i needed 'help' because i haven't 'moved on' in this many months yet....she proposed i get some counseling and find my faith and a few other things. she compared this to her daughter losing her pet and told her daughter she was being selfish because her pet was in a better place, all healthy and happy and such....can you believe the nerve of this girl? can you believe any of this....i feel like i am in a nightmare....just when i thought i was doing better, i am back to square one or two. i am so upset i have called my couselor to try to get an earlier appt....i can't live like this....i can't be in a negative environment....i am already having a hard enough time, how can my own son and a stranger try to tell me how and when and how not grieve my lost child. i would be willing to bet you it would be totally different if the shoes were on their feet. they just cannot fathom the obscenity of this ever happening to them. it's ok if it's going on with someone else, but not to them. i don't even know how to react, much less what to say....i am dumbfounded, totally. i responded to the girl, with a little bit about grief, but i said little else. i sure hope she never has to experience this. and i really hope my children will never have to go through this, i don't think i could go through this again...ever....i could not do this with them. i would literally lose my soul....

what am i supposed to do....? i have no idea. i am so lost again. crying all the time again...sad, lonely and lost.

thanks for listening.....diane

Diane..I want you to listen to me and to the others. Please believe me when I tell you that I am going through the same thing. The stigma attached to suicide is awful! The hurt is unbearable as they did not have to die. As in physical sickness. And people always love to stick the knife in a little further. Your son is jealous and ashamed at the stigma attached to the suicide that your son brought onto your family. Shame on him! He should be showing compassion and concern. Is there nothing to be learned by such tragedy and heartache? Is this not a time to put down pointing fingers and stop fighting!!! A person is dead. DEAD! And it did not have to happen had it been a better world! One with more compassion and caring. I am sickened when I rrad of such cruelty. Yet it is in my life as well. Stick up for yourself and for him. Don't let them beat you down. I know it is hard, but you are better then that.I know it!

[ericasmom]

I am honored to be a part of such an incredible group of FOLKS, gathering around to support each other in all the pain everyone is in...I just think that we have all been to hell and to find this amazing group is our way of knowing HOPE. God Bless.

Trud, I love the sign you sent of never getting over our Child's loss. Thanks Hon.

Prayers for your Davis Carol, that he somehow find his way to getting to rehab and that he stay in the full time. I admire your tenacity and ability to support him while taking care of your hearts and understanding his.

[dwsmithrn]

OMG....thank you all for your replies to my awful hurting heart....i called my couselor and she called me back and we talked (while i cried it out) for 45-50 minutes on the phone. she is so nice and was just appalled at what my son did to me on the phone on my birthday of all days, and what the 'FB girl' wrote to me....we talked it all out and i feel a little bit better. also, my daughter called and we talked over an hour. she told me that she had talked to patrick twice and he really did not mean to hurt my feelings, but he DID, and gave me so many reasons why 'they' did not like me to air my feelings for everyone to read....which i really didn't care....but, i did cancel my FB account....and now my son feels guilty about it and IDC....i told my daughter that this grief journey is a life-long process and i am not going to be better today or tomorrow or before the holidays....my children want me to be their OLD mom before nathan....like NOW....and when i try to explain about the loss of a child, she says she does not like my counselor because 'she gave me permission to grieve for 2 or 3 years'....really? what? she does not understand. all of my children say that when i was with them, i was 'there', but i wasn't "there"....i said, yes, this is true. shock and grief were there. it was early on....i told her i am trying to take new steps forward every day, but i'm not going to wake up and say, ok, grief is over and i'm me again....it just doesn't work that way.....they don't like that i am sad....they don't like that nathan did this to me, ok...i can understand that....but, stop blaming me.....

i didn't ask for this....i didn't do this, even though i take the blame for this, i intellectually know i am not to blame, but in my job description, i still take some of the blame for not saving my child.

so much said, so much i can't even remember....how can my children even think for one second that i don't love them or my grandchildren? how can they not understand the grief of losing a child when they all have children of their own....?????? it is not even fathomable for them to think of losing their own child, and i most certainly would not want that to happen just for them to understand me. OMG, i could not bear the thought....i would lose it for sure....but, really...why can they not see why i am suffering so.....they just want me to pay attention to them and not to nathan. i can't do that now....and YES, i think patrick is jealous of the attention i pay to nathan.....and i think lesley wants me to just be mom again....and i think lee can't stand to see me so sad....there are so many things going on in each one of them and they feel like they can't talk to me about it, but with patrick, it's all about him. always has been....our relationship has always been a little bit rocky, since the day i brought nathan home from the hospital. this is so hard, but i had no idea that grown-up children would act like babies....especially in the midst of grief. i really didn't...

you can believe i will stick with you....where else can i go at this point....you are the only ones who can understand....the only friends i have....i am not ashamed of what nathan did....i know he was sick, i know this is what he felt like he had to do to feel better. i was told that somewhere in 1st peter, it reads that god lets people take themselves when their pain is too great. maybe god meant for nathan to go.... IDK, but even so, it doesn't make it any easier. although, we did not know he was sick, he hid everything so well....we did not know....we pieced it al together after the fact. but, i am not ashamed. i love him with all my heart and soul. he is still my baby, no matter what. maybe patrick is ashamed and doesn't want to talk about it....maybe there are other issues that bother him...maybe it's just all about him...i just don't have all the answers. i know he does not want me to bring up nathan's name when we talk. he wants to talk about him and his family when he calls. i am not supposed to bring up nate's name or anything about him. that's a hell of a big brother...wouldn't you say...??????

thank you all for your support. i can't tell you how much better you make me feel....i will sleep better knowing you are holding on to me and thinking about me....my head is about to explode with a h/a from crying for the last 3 days. thank you all......love ,diane

[Guest msnher]

Before Stephanie died I didn't get it. I thought I was compassionate, empathetic, sympathetic...but, I didn't get it. I didn't know I didn't get it.

I had lost so much before I thought that qualified me as an expert on grief. I had no clue.

[Tweetymm125@aol.com]

I am sorry for Nathans mom and everyone . It hurts that no one everyone ask how the hell Christi and I are doing It makes me sad No one ever brings anything up. I bring him up People act like I am nuts because they look at me like I should be over him I spend a lot of time sometimes alone it actually feels peaceful I live with Christi my daughter It seems like I must make other people uncomfortable but than they still have their kids The sun still rises but not in my world Two more weeks is when I lost Rob to stuiped drugs It just hurts I think I am going to sit By

the gravesite tomorrow Sometimes it's peaceful there and sometimes so so sad Ii just wish I could find joy in my life again People act like my Rob never existedvand I just do not understand I am lonely

Missing Rob and sad

Robs mom

[mikesmomrs]

DIANE: Sending hugs and love to you, my dear friend. I will just say that I am in complete agreement with everyone here....NO ONE,NO ONE who has not lost a child knows or understands and all of their "good intentions" can be dumped into the river of muck. I must tell you that after I had been back at work for abt three months my boss made the comment that he thought I wld be "further along than I seemed to be." When I went to my therapist later that week and mentioned what my boss had said, my therapist said "well, I hve a news bulletin for him--the average time for a person who has lost a child to be functioning better (though never the same way as before) is at least three years." So, I don't think ur therapist is very far off in giving u the 2-3 year estimate. I am so sorry these hurtful statements were made to you, and send my love to you and prayers that you will be able to put these comments in the muck river, never to see the light of day again.

KATHY: I am so very sorry that BN has not been staying on track. I lost my temper with Davis today, but I guess I am making some sort of progress--he didn't hang up on me. Being so far away (on this trip) has made it difficult because when I am home I can tell him to come by for supper and that way he will not be hungry, but I will not give him money for food nor buy him any groceries. After I tell him that I generally cry after we hang up, but as you said "I cannot" do this again. Davis knows what he needs to do and he knows that only he can do it. I've told him we r here for him, but NOT to enable him. My heart rips apart seeing him go through this. I will be going to AL-anon meetings when we get home...maybe that will help.

Tomorrow and the next day Ralph and I are just going to relax here at the hotel and maybe do some pool time. We will pick up the girls on friday and kim may come and spend that night as well. We had a good visit tonight...we took them to dinner at UNO'S and had a good time "catching up."

Sleep well tonite, my indigo family --. I too am proud to know each of you.

By the way, diane, I read your post to Ralph and he asked me to tell you that "we've all got your back" in giving you the full spectrum of time you need, along with giving you comfort and understanding.

SUSANNAH: to you he says "yahoooo" and sends hugs, too.

[Susie_q512]

Diane - I agree with everyone here. People can be so insensitive and arrogant, can't they? From where I am standing today, at the mere 6 week mark, I think I am being overly hopeful to think that I will be functional at the 3 year mark. When we carry this grief with us until the day we leave this world, how can we be expected to "get over it"? I will never get over it. I will never be the same or "normal" again. I will exist with only half my heart, because Shannon has the other half. Part of us is missing....will always be missing. My hope is that I can "be there" for my other daughter, and also that she will understand when I cannot be "all there" with her. We are now torn...forever and irrevocably "torn". Like Sus, I thought I "got it" before this happened to me and my girl. I was sympathetic. I did hurt for people....but the true extent of this grief can only be known through experiencing it ourselves. I am not sure what causes your son to be un-supportive or better able to identify with your grief. Sibling rivalry? Selfishness? The stigma attached to suicide? Or maybe his own fear or sense of failure? Who knows? Hopefully he will be able to identify the source of his resentment at some point. In the meantime, I will hold you close to my heart and pray that you get the support and space that you need on this journey. My understanding is that even when one finds the "new normal" there will still be moments and periods of time when we will be overcome with our sadness and pain. As for "facebook girl"...what an idiot! She and her opinion are not worth another ounce of your energy. Let her comments and her opinion roll off of you and into that river of muck that has been mentioned....can't think of a more fitting place for it to be put. I express my grief on facebook for the world to see. I post on my wall, on Shannon's wall, and on her memorial page. I have often wondered if it is okay to do this...if I am being insensitive to those living their "normal happy lives"....if I am bringing others down, but then I think "Who cares?" This is my journey. This grief is a real entity, and maybe by writing about it and sharing it, we can enlighten others so that some will become more compassionate or thankful for what they have in life. Maybe their problems will seems a little smaller and more manageable. Maybe they will realize that the things that cause so much stress and discontentment are really

nothing to be complaining about....we know how much worse it can really be, right? Considering that Nathan took his own life makes me believe that it complicates the grief process...suicide does leave a legacy that the family members must live with...a lot of negativity is attached. I am assuming that there is much guilt and regret associated with it. Yes, he was ill, and it was his choice (or rather impulse) at that moment in time...but you're his Mom. I cannot imagine how tormented you must feel at times. You are entitled to feel the pain, loss and grief. No one loves a child more than a parent...that love is unconditional and absolute. So, you grieve for him. He's worth your grief and tears. It's so obvious how very much you love him. If no one else gives you permission to grieve, we do....all of us her are on your side, and we do have your back. Although I have never had the opportunity to meet any of you personally, I feel very protective of each of you on this site. When you hurt, I hurt with you. Praying for you. Asking for blessings and peace. Asking Nathan to surround you so that you feel his presence. Also asking that he can connect with your other son and send a message of truth to him so that he too can find his way through journey.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[Susie_q512]

Martha - I too feel no real joy and also much loneliness. It is very difficult for others to speak of Shannon too. I think it is mostly because they do not know what to say. Maybe they are afraid of upsetting us, or maybe our grief causes them to be uncomfortable. We want to speak of our children, to remember them, but others seems reluctant at times. I will be thinking of you in the upcoming weeks as the date approaches for you. It's only been 6 weeks for me on the new path. I have only visited her grave twice since the burial. Last night was that second visit. I went because it was Halloween, one of our favorite holidays. Although I do cry often, I had not broken down yet and sobbed. I sobbed as soon as I saw her grave, and I wasn't even out of the car yet. I guess I sat on her grave and sobbed to 15 or 20 minutes. I was glad for the privacy as my sobs where loud and strong. I wanted to dig her up and breathe life back into her. Leaving her there was difficult, but I had to go to the roadside memorial to place an item there as well. More tears there as I sat in the dark on the side of a much traveled road. My greatest fear is that she will be forgotten, somehow erased in time as lives go on. I understand your sorrow and loneliness. It is hard not to talk about her always, and I worry that I am causing stress to my other daughter. Holding you close in my thoughts tonight.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[Susie_q512]

Dee - very happy for you when I think of the special event approaching. Hoping it will be a time filled with love and the making of wonderful memories. I have no doubt the Eri will be present to bear witness to her brother's special day.

To those who are struggling with the addiction and demons your kids are battling - much hope for continued strength and wisdom on this journey. Praying your kids find the will power to make the right choice and win this battle over addiction. Praying they come to know their true value as unique and wonderful people with much to live for and much to offer this world. Most lack the knowledge of their true worth. I battled with drugs, alcohol and destructive behaviors when I was younger. It's a terrible place to be and hard to overcome. Tough love is the hardest love to give, but it is love. Stick to your boundaries. You are doing the right thing.

Leah - hoping you are doing well and have found some peace. Still praying for you.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[Guest msnher]

2:22am...I was awoken to the softest, slightest touching on my face by soft little paws. It was too sweet to feel irritated, his little eyes staring straight at me. This little kitten has definitely won my heart.

The blanket of snow that covers the city looks as if someone dropped a bottle of sparkles over the city. The quiet beauty reminds me the holidays are just around the corner.

I'm not ready for the white stuff. As beautiful as it is, I'm over it. I enjoyed my summer this year. I think I did. There is a large spot of land on our property that I use as a garden. I have always enjoyed working outside. Getting my hands in the soil. Creating, decorating God's creation. I stick to flowers.

There were a variety of flowers in my garden the summer Stephanie died. I could never remember the names of them, I didn't care about their names, I just thought they were pretty so I planted them. Perennials are the way to go. I did splatter petunias here and there. Ten, huge, hanging plants of petunias, an assortment of colors, hung at various spots in the front and back yards. I remember feeling resentment to my flowers the year before because they kept me trapped from having a vacation. Finding someone to come and water my flowers three times a day, everyday, was possible, I suppose...but, I didn't have it in me to ask such a favor.

Then Stephanie died. August 9th. The hottest time of the summer. I never watered a flower or pulled a weed again. They all wilted and died, too. It seemed appropriate. The first year anniversary came and went. My flower garden had become a place for throwing old, used, broken items. Weeds, two feet high, took permanent residence. Occasionally a perennial...a daffodil or iris...would try to adorn the junk pile with color. The beautiful, purple, perenial bushes that I never remember the name of, surrendered and died. I didn't care.

I was still deep in the black tar of grief as the second summer approached. There were longer moments of relief but my hope for a better tomorrow was gone. My tears had dried up. My soul a barren desert shriveled and cracked with little signs of life. I was empty.

I forced life back into me everyday for the benefit of Stephanie's children and my husband. My other children and grandchildren got what was left, which was very little. On my husband's birthday, that second summer, I forced myself to pretend to be the old me. For his sake. Then I fell and broke my rib....on his special day. That broken rib broke me.

There had been many things that tried to break me during those first two years. Things that normally would just be chalked up to life....drama. Before Steph died I would put on my big girl panties and take control. Getterdone! After Steph died brushing my teeth took all my energy. Now I had a broken rib to add to my broken spirit.

When your child dies it isn't just your heart that breaks. It's much deeper than that.

I contemplated ending it all. My rib was healing. I was not. I had done everything that was suggested. I went to counseling. I took anti depressants. I journaled. I forced myself to do what I could when I could. I wasn't getting better. I was getting worse. I had sunk into the deep abyss. Any progress I had made in those two years was shattered when I shattered my rib. It wasn't just grief that had a grip on me. It was self loathing. It was self pity. I didn't pity myself. I despised myself. Maybe that's what pity is. hmmmm. food for thought.

It took someone else's tragedy to pull me out of the wasteland of my existence. I'm sorry for that. Sally's husband's death jolted me into the now. On the fourth anniversary of their son's death he took his own life. I understood. And, I absolutely knew I could not do that to the people who love me. The people I love.

My family watched with concern as a new woman rose from her bed of sorrow and lethargy. I still couldn't use my left arm, but I had work to do. My son backed his big, old truck up to my garden with trepidation. "Are you sure, Mom? What about your rib?" I laughed and kissed his head and told him not to worry that I knew what I was doing.

My left arm carefully protected the injured rib while my right arm went insane throwing the debris out of my garden. When it was empty I had my son start the lawn mower for me, refusing to allow him to do the mowing. I demolished every weed and flower that managed to survive the last two summers. I was starting over.

I never did plant another flower. Not yet. I will next year. This year my garden became a beautiful spot to just sit. The grandchildren used it to play their games. Empty flower pots hung from their poles. Solar lights surrounding the edges. The flat red bricks adding color here and there.

It isn't the same...my garden. It never will be. But, it is still beautiful. It tells a story. My story. Our story.

We don't "get over it". I don't know if we even get through it. I think we learn to live with it. But, it takes time. A long time.

[mysonrich]

Wanting to reach out to Diane last night as I read true words from the hearts of Indigo’s, realizing that my mind was clouded from a similar encounter just the nigh before, knowing that Diane is so new to this journey, understanding her weeping heart, confused thoughts, hurt, I took a step back and watched as you all gathered round. Diane, I can't pretend to know what lurks in the hearts and mind of others,but the others here have given an assessment and reasoning from experience, with kindness and understanding.

Rich has been gone 2 years, 9 months. I wrote to you all the other night and could not post. A friend again added her 2 cents . Someone I have known for 5-6 years now. She feels that I should socialize more, find someone like myself, I'm thinking CF though that wasn't mentioned, talk to people. I said Deb, I have BI. Apparently online people aren't the real deal in her book. And what would she know of this journey and how could she ever phantom that you all get it while no one else in the real world does, That word makes me chuckle. Real. What the hell is real anymore. Sooo I'm examining myself to her yard stick,meter stick Trudi. Why? I work, I laugh with co=workers, I travel to NYC , Philadelphia,the shore,parks,farmers markets..the daily grind and this comment coming form a childless woman that has always had her mother nearby. Her mother is her social life. Fine. But damn if I hear this crap again. So what do I do? Another friend scratched off my list of friends? Right after I moved, 3 months after my mom died,16 months after Rich died, the arm chair psychiatrist asks, “ and what will you do if your aunt dies soon”. Keep on placing one foot in front of the other you moron. I didn';t say that but did not speak to her for a month of two.

Our worlds shrink on one hand. But on the other, as we lean to live again, we are offered different views on life. In my attempt to keep going I continue to venture out. Maybe she doesn’t know this. And what if I were to say, what are you going to do when your mother dies? I never would but for those of us here that have very little real ( ha ha,real) life support,reaching out, running away,trying new things,doing the same old thing,is progress. Is another step, is breathing in and out. I don’t; want to say screw you too because I think that it was meant to be spoken in love but at the same time, I want to say,screw you.

Thank you my unreal friends for being here and hearing me out.

[ericasmom]

Betsy, yes real life...and what I would love to ask all those well-meaning awkward at best speaking friends is: Do you really have a plan in place, have you practiced it like a fire-drill, for what might happen to you when or if you lose someone close? Will you wear black, will you put a wreath on the door letting townspeople know you are in mourning, will you take personal days at work, will you write thank yous to all those good folk who came to say good-byes, will you go back to work and put the past in the past and go forward without ache in your heart????Have you practiced it? It is not a play to practice, it is real life.

Sus, may your garden bloom in all the colors of all the beautiful flowers you will plant.

[shorty16]

Hello my indigo friends

Diane - I guess we have more additions to the "Oh No You Didn't Just Say That" book. All I can say, Diane is hang in there. My personal experience with my own children is that both of them acted out in different ways until about the 2 year mark. Aaron destroyed things and Michelle, yelled and screamed at every little thing we did. But life does settle down. It is different for each of us. Hang in there my friend.

Rhonda - You go girl!! I would have said the same thing. As I am sure most of you can tell by now, I am not a shy person. I would have let that girl have it with both barrels - but that is now - over 3 years into this. I cannot say what I would have done at the less than a year mark-Where Diane is right now.

Dee - So lovely hearing of the wedding plans. The dress sounds beautiful. Please keep us posted on all the happenings. Is the wedding in IL?

Carol - I am praying for Davis. Hang strong my friend. I do not have any experience with children as addicts, but I have read here on BI how tough it is. I am praying that you maintain your path and Davis gets the help he needs and keeps on the clean path.

Betsy - I read your post and that "Friend" must not know you very well. We read where you go places, do things,...She is mis-informed. I am at a loss on how people think they can tell us how to grieve the loss of our children. I think you do alot and you tell us about it. She is mis-informed.

Take care all my friends. I have been wallowing in the "Brian is dead and Sam and Mike are not" pool. They have never appoligized for their role in Brian's death. How can their parents not make them? I just want to send them pictures of Brian so they have to see what I and my family lost. I am having a hard time with these stupid holidays. I just want to crawl in bed and wake up mid-January. Is that do-able?

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[dwsmithrn]

colleen, sus, betsy, dee, susan....thank you for your thoughful words and encouragement on this most horrific journey... i just never knew my grown children would be giving me more grief to have to live with. i am sad and lovnely, just like many of you. i cried so much, my eyes are red and swollen. i will never understand why my children don't understand, just a tiny little bit....so, i give up. i will just stay at home and be sad and lonely all alone. i thought i was really trying...babysitting my daughter's children several times, going places with her...getting out by myself (big accomplishment) and actually started cooking a bit again....i do actually get out of bed most days and get dressed. my daughter mentioned she wanted me to start putting on make-up again....is that really something that matters to me? NO NO NO....i don't care about that right now....it just simply is not an issue for me....maybe down the road i will care, but for now IDC....and why is it so important to her? IDK....i guess it makes me look more like her old mother...??

martha...i am so sorry you are so sad and lonely. it does not matter how you lost your son. you are still grieving the loss of your child. the fact that neighbors, towns people won't talk to you is assinine. i can't imagine why they won't talk to you and it is just plain rude and mean. you are a person with a broken heart and you deserve more than that. i am so sorry for you loss and that you are not given the respect you deserve. i know your son is all around you, sending love your way.

i am going to try to have a better day today....i know patrick doesn't deserve this, but I AM GOING TO BE THE BIGGER PERSON and i am going to call him and see how this phone call goes. i can't afford to lose another son, so i will call and see if we can make ammends. i don't like this 'not speaking' thing. my family has always been sort of close, well expect this one child....then we got close again and now this...

so i won't let this make me lose him again. i feel sad and lonely enough and i can't do 'this' too. i do love my other 3 children and they need to know it as much as i need them....

as far as that FB girl, i don't need her....she is worthless in a time like this. i threw her in the river.

love to all and thanks again.....peace to your day.....diane

[Jeff's Mom]

SUICIDE! There is nothing more painful to endure for the famlies left behind. A word that makes all of us cringe and stop dead in our tracks. Dumbfounded. How do people respond to the news? Shock, disbelief, embarassement, and a multitude of other emotions. It puts a spotlight on their mental state. Were they weak, out of control? They were not in physical pain like others we know! How do they know? Why is it that something diagnosed below the neck is OK. But if it is physiological it is...well...we don't go there!!! So much advancement in medicine these days. But mental health is way behind in the support and the much needed financial input from government to put necessary programs into place. Education. Start within the homes and elementary schools to teach our families and kids that this is an ILLNESS! Not some stupid weak person out of control! Stop the bullying,taunting,shunning! Compassion, caring, and a friendly hand offered in true spirit of giving. To lose all hope...to feel there is absolutely nothing left to live for. To firmly believe it is better to take that chance that it is better in the beyond? It takes courage to do it. Not weakness. I know I couldn't.

People left behind? The agonizing pain. Why? How? What did I miss? Did I fail them? In most cases the answer is NO. They were not well. But it doesn't bring them back. They could be alive today had it been different. Not terminal illness, not accidental. Purposeful and deadly. And the shunning continues. It is now placed onto the backs of the families. It is now two full weeks since I have had contact with my family. It will be permanent. I will not give in to their demands to quietly retreat into a corner and make up lies to save face. Save face? I wasn't aware I had too! I did nothing wrong. Some people out there are pretty screwed up. And as much as I will admit to my own failings...I will be darned if I am going to take on theirs as well. We have a long way to go as far as public understanding of this heartwrenching situation. Am I OK? NO! And I would be concerned if I was! I loved him too much to GET OVER IT! Get on, yes...but never over. I am after all a mother and will love and carry him in my heart until I take my last breathe. And the shame lies with those who looked away.

[Susie_q512]

Kate - Well spoken. As a person who struggles with bi-polar disorder and severe depression, I know first hand the embarrassment and negativity attached to mental and emotional illness. I have only recently come out of that closet and speak openly and honestly about it. People are very uncomfortable when I share this information with them. Many don't take it seriously or consider it an illness. Even my husband would tell me it was all in my head and I had control over my mind....he just didn't get it....until he was diagnosed with an incurable cancer and did a tail spin into depression that stole his motivation and reasoning. Now he understands a bit better how debilitating it can be. Battling the mind is a terrible and difficult experience. Thoughts that are not logical seem very logical. There is a constant fighting of urges to harm ourselves, sometimes in very violent ways. It's a very dark place to be, so I've never faulted any person who takes their life....I understand what goes on in their minds, the torment, the self loathing because of the thoughts in your head, the isolation they feel. Sometimes we just want the thoughts, the constant buzzing in our heads to stop. You are right not to blame yourself for what happened. It is not your fault. Illnesses of the mind/brain are very real, but rarely receive the recognition or respect needed to make progress in diagnosis and treatment....not to mention how incredibly expensive treatment is. Finances are the primary factor in me not getting consistent care and treatment for BPD. I only go on meds when I get manic or severely depressed, and then only if I recognize what's happening. The last manic episode lasted several months before the thought came to me that maybe I should call the doctor. Wish the stigma and fear associated with these disorders would go away, but that won't happen unless people are willing to educate themselves about these problems. So sorry that you are feeling so alone and abandoned by those that should be reaching out to you, loving you, supporting you.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Susan for your kind reply. I feel deeply that so much of mental ilness is chemical related. Imbalances, etc. A person can suffer from diabetes, or something similar and everyone says they are so sorry. But this is different. I just don't get it. It is a hard road to travel. And a difficult one even with support. But without it? I hate to think of the suffering.

My son suffered from severe depression. He kept it so well hidden. He was a guy of a particular age that it was not masculine to display emotions. The twenties can be such a difficult age. He only tried once and it was successful. He meant it to be. No second chances. At home with us...we were watching TV in another room. The family is in denial. Also wanting to move on and enjoy life. My world stopped that night. Everything suspended into a form of limbo. Only now can I start to find myself doing things that I once did. But it takes so much effort. I'm still in shock from the sight of witnessing what I saw that night. I keep going however. What is the alternative? I have nothing but admiration for you and what you are going through. Hang in there!

Nobody said it was easy. But heck...it's so much harder then I ever imagined it to be. Thank God for the caring support of people such as yourself and the others on this site. Apart from my husband we are so alone in this. I don't think I could get through it otherwise.

I read a psot earlier of someone loving to garden. I am so glad that she is planning to move forward next year and focus on her flowers again. Gardening is such a healing hobby. I love to garden myself and I too sank into a state of not caring one way or the other about most things. It does improve. Little by little. Just look at Dee. A lovely, strong woman that is enjoying the upcoming wedding in her family. There will be smiles again. You'll see.