Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest msnher]

Betsy I almost stood up and cheered when I read about you telling your coworker to go F herself! I think the karma you will get back is that your coworkers won't think you're passive. Too cool! You claimed your power. No more ducking and hiding for you. They will just know to leave you the hell alone and when you walk away it's because you're not interested in their pettiness. You go girl! No bad karma there.

[ericasmom]

I agree with Susannah Betsy, sometimes you need to just let folks know that they are not stepping on you anymore in a very definitive way. While it may not be the way you wanted it worked through, it probably will cause some good change.

Having a hard time, went to the cemetery today, so many graves heavily decorated for Fall and there was Eri's with nothing left on it but shards of broken vase and that is it. The little wooden bird and butterfly that have been there since April are gone. I am angry and the office was closed so I can't yell at anyone. Perhpaps I missed the fall cleanup and therefore it is my fault, but crap!!!!!!I just feel sad.

[Guest msnher]

That would upset me, too, Dee. I hope Eri sends you a tangible sign of her presence today. Hugs.

[daveydow1]

Josie------I am so sorry for the loss of your dear son, Levi, and for death of

your husband and granddaughter. You've had so much sorrow in your life.

You are right-----it is a parent's worst nightmare to lose a child. Sad to say,

that we all know that it does happen, and that's why we are here on BI (formerly

called Beyond Indigo). Please come back when you are ready, and read/and

post when you feel up to it. 3 weeks is such a very short time, I know. Everyone

here knows, firsthand, the pain and sorrow of losing a child or a loved one.

There is a lot of love & understanding here. Peace & comfort to you, friend.

Carol-----The Scrabble game must have been so much fun, and many laughs.

When you added the T-A-T-T-O-O , everyone must have felt the warm spirit

of Mike coming through......so nice.

Betsy-----I agree with the others about your unpleasant confrontation from the

co-workers who were so snide and mean. A person can take only so much of

ducking and hiding from nasty people. They needed to be put in their place.

Good for you !!

Dee-----Sorry that everything was taken off ERi's grave. Did someone steal

the items ? Our cemetery has cleanup time Oct. 15.....thru Dec. 1st. So, I went

and took off the items that I wanted to keep. Davey's potted plant, in a lg. peat

pot ( Red Geranium) was still blooming, so I brought it home. Lisa's flowers have to

be planted in-ground, so they were pretty well done. We have been lucky about

the grave decorations so far. It would be so painful to find things stolen or removed.

Many people use the paved roads in the cemetery where Davey, Lisa, and my dad

are buried, to walk for exercise. I think that possibly could be a deterrent for

anyone stealing. The cops do patrol it , and no one is supposed to be in there

after dark. They chase kids out sometimes.....for just goofing around etc..... they

need to take that stuff somewhere else. Cemetery is not the place. Just a bit too 'handy'

for kids, since the cemetery is just across the street from the city park & pool. The word

must have gotten out among kids, that they will be chased out, .....not too many in

there anymore. Husband & I went for a nice drive today......cloudy and windy, but the sun

did peep out now & then. Chilly, though... low 50's Colorful leaves all over.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmum]

Reading through each day, it is hard to find words that will comfort, reflect, ease or even make sense of this journey we are on. Each day has its own special 'impact' that is subject to change without notification.

Dee - It breaks your heart to think that others can't don't or won't respect the love you have for your daughter enough to ensure that those trinkets, tributes for your girl are cared for and maintained. Yep office hours sux, but the message needs to be sent. Sorry I'm so far away....you know I love a good debate!

Betsy - From your post it hit me (and what's worse is I probably already knew it) was that Mike and Rich died the same day 2yrs apart. Caught me without warning. Don't have words just a knowing.

Carol - I love the way that Mike still gets in on the game....tattoo, oh yeah!

I have been back in the hills for just about a month now. I am trying with all my might to generate postives being here. I am now an offical volunteer at Zak's school. Fund raising, mentoring a shy grade 3 girl starting next Tuesday. Yet there is still pockets of sadness that take me down.

We had Caleb's birthday yesterday...all went well. Weather good, kids great and then at the end of the day......Melissa is rear ended! Its a car that was about to be sold. Totally restored RX7....gotta hope the accountant upstairs is over it and cuts them some slack..

Muttley isn't doing well, tummy bug I think. As I type Emily is skyping her BFF and I've been told I need to mention her so for Emily.....HI

[ericasmom]

Thanks Gang, for the warm thoughts about the cemetery today. I left a heated message to the office, a very heated message with tears. I asked if clean up was to start today, which I checked and it starts today and goes until Oct. 31, then why was it that all the graves around Eri's were decorated and Eri's was mowed down with the vase and the trinkets in shards on her stone. It was mowed, nothing else could chop up the things like that. Anyhow, I hope they have the decency to call me on Monday and if they do not they will have some heck to pay with me. I am angry and I am disappointed. I don't have a big stone because they said I had to buy 6 graves that day in order to have that...so do they disregard those of us with flat stones?

Anyhow, feeling less stressed about it now and thanks again.

[lolynbo]

LYNNS MOM PASSED AWAY TODAY KAYLAS MOMMY LYNN

[aim630]

Mike, Mike, MIke-I'm glad you sent your parents and boys some signs of your presence yesterday, letting them know you are still with them.

Carol-I'm sorry I was not able to post yesterday, and know it was rough. I'm glad you talked to Kameron about his dad, and that Mike was there during your Scrable game. Tattoos

Amy/Ashley's mom

[nicksdad]

[mysonrich]

[mysonrich]

Thanks for your support Indigo's. In living with-out my physical blue eyed blond ( with a mix of a little red like his moms hair once was) handsome son. In dealing with more family issues, life and death. In dealing with people at work that I now refer to as the Turkey Vultures. In happiness and sorrow. Thank you.

(My font is blue because my sons eyes are blue.)

[ericasmom]

Shawn you Beautiful Boy, smile on your Momma and let her know that in each day, you are with her. Shawn, Shawn, Shawn. Saying your name as we know how dearly it sweetens the day.

Please dance with our Angels today and know that we understand the beauty of a day that marks the arrival of our beloved Children.

I hope that the event in Shawn's name was filled with goodness Karen.

[hotrod]

SHAWN, SHAWN, SHAWN

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

[andy88]

Shawn Shawn Shawn

Happy birthday dear one!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dee - so so sorry about Eri's grave. I know that must have hurt your heart

Betsy - GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!

Polly, Susan, Josie - Sending you a big hug. I hope each day brings you a little bit of peace.

Carol - love the scrabble game story!!

Wishing everyone a peaceful day and sending rays of sunshine.

With love,

Pam

[Guest msnher]

HAPPY BELLY BUTTON DAY, SHAWN! Holding you close, Karen!

[lolynbo]

I THINK I MAY HAVE STARTED SOMETHING....

I MADE A FB PAGE CALLED "WEAR GREY IN MAY"....ITS BLOWING UP.....IM HAVING TSHIRTS MADE AS WE SPEAK AND A MAN THAT HIS DAUGHTER DIED FROM THE SAME DISEASE, HES SAYS HES GETTN CELEBRATIES INVOLVED. (COURSE IVE HEARD ALL THIS B4)....AND FOR US TO START MAKING IT AN ORGANIZATION....

OH GOD WHAT IF I HAVE TO SPEAK PUBLICALLY.........................................

[ericasmom]

Lorri, Go Gray in May----I love the whole idea, put some light on the need for research and the numbers of folks suffering with brain tumors. I love it and don't worry about speaking in public, you have met your biggest fear already, you can do anything.

[mikesmomrs]

Lorri: GO GREY IN MAY...seems to be calling you. As Dee said, you've faced the worst, fear is not a word in your vocabulary. You go, girl!

Dee: I am so very sorry about what happened at Eri's site. It is just despicable. I do hope it was at least the caretakers (whom, perhaps that word should be changed..."care"? doesn't like they "took care," just rolled over everything without looking, is what it sounds like!) Anyway, it might make it a little easier to handle if it is found that it was not thieves or someone up to no good. And if it was the maintenance people, at least there's a channel for addressing the issue. Sending love and prayers to you for strength. (also, the "reason" doesn't matter; the hurt is still there.)

Betsy: Yay for you! I wish so much I had had that courage when I was working...I do know a few who would have gotten pretty shocked! Don't know if it would have changed the behavior, but at least they would have known how I felt! You have been through so much, and yet you focus on the the blue of Rich's eyes and how wonderful that is for you...a true statement of love, straight from your heart. You are a sweet woman, so glad to know you!

Am busy getting the final touches ready for our trip...we leave here on Tuesday...oh, my, of course, I am not near ready...but, I will be, I will. I will.

To all: thank you so much for your support this past week, (and every day, actually). You have given me strength to stay standing when all I wanted to do was fall on the floor and weep. This has been a tough week for all of us here, strangely enough. I broke down in church today, but was able to pull it together. Today they announced Mike's name for his anniversary. I will post a couple of pics from yesterday, when we took the boys to the cemetery for putting up the pumpkins and corn stalks. We also added the beaded tribute that Kim made for Mike. The boys were really glad that we did this, and responded well to it. Both of the older boys wrote "Dad, I can't believe it's been five years. I miss you so much and think of you everyday." Damon drew peace signs all over it, and signed his name, with love.

got to go...be back later.

[mikesmomrs]

SHAWN...SHAWN...

SHAWN...

happy birthday, sweet boy! celebrate with all of our angels, and let your mom know you are near. She misses you so very much, and you are in her heart every single moment of every single day. Karen, holding you close, sending love and strength to you.

[daveydow1]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, SHAWN. SAYING YOUR NAME AND REMEMBERING YOU. SMILE DOWN AND WARM YOUR DEAR MOM'S HEART & SOUL.

Karen---- May your sweet memories of your dear son

give you peace & comfort.

Trudi----So nice that Caleb's birthday went well. Sorry that Melissa's car got wrecked.

Hope she was not injured. Prayers.

Dee-----I do hope that you hear back from the people at the cemetery about ERi's

grave being mowed and the things you put on there being shattered. I hope they

have some kind of sensible explanation. Organizations can be so very heartless

and mercenary (even cemetery officials) with terrible restricting rules. It seems

particularly greedy to have a rule saying that you must buy multiple plots before

you are permitted to have an upright stone.....sorry to hear that is the way it is there.

This will be short........I'm TOTALLY stressed out today. Need some 'down' time, for sure.

PEACE, AND LOVING SMILES FROM ALL YOUR ANGELS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mysonrich]

Dee, I don't understand the requirement to buy several plots before a upright stone either. And I remember Dan being upset about the lack of care and consideration at Nicks site too. I'm sorry to hear that a inconsiderate worker didn't take the time to mow around or not at all until you arrived. Maybe a letter to the officials and the landscape? men/women would enlighten them to what it was they did and why its so disrespectful. I would think that they would know this.

Carol, Mikes name was announced and he was validated . If I remember correctly last year was a different story or it may have been another remembrance day at church. They listened.

Sherry, rest up. Maybe some alone time in your cool basement for movie night?

Lorri, I saw the info on FB and I think you did start something! Greg told me once that we have nothing to fear or be nervous about, we have lived and walked the worst possible nightmarish path already. I see a TV appearance in your future. j/k

Today I didn't do much of anything. I did take a ride and drove over to Pennsylvania, drove past the house that Rich lived and died in. I don't know why I do this. Its only been 3 times I would guess during the past year. I just drove by slow, look in the backyard, check the driveway out. I know he isn;t there. I think new people live there so I didn't leave any flowers for him. I drove by an old stone house that he said he liked. I drive the roads he would have taken back into Jersey for his job. Weird thing is, when I was 21 I moved into my first apartment just a couple miles down the road, in the neighboring town. Rich moved in when he was 20. So today I drove back to my first place. Looked/drove around. Both towns sit on the Delaware River. I found a spot for quiet thought, soul searching, peace of heart connection. It helped.

http://ehaldeman.smugmug.com/Groups/BI/18676819_MPZGNh#1533223934_79Jk3jv-A-LB

[ericasmom]

HEY to EM Trudi, and hey to you and sorry about the car for Miss Melissa.

Sherry, why are you extra stressed? Did you have the kids for the weekend? Are you okay?

Going to go for a walk, need a little outdoor quiet to help me right now.

Love to all,

dee

[shorty16]

Hello my Friends

Well, our weekend with Leah, our neice was really fun. Friday night we went to Dave-n-Busters and AJ won 1000 tickets on a huge wheel. Dinner was good too.

Saturday, we watched the undefeated Wisconsin Badgers beat Indiana 59-7!!! Weather was a bit cold, but the sun was on us almost the entire time - warming us.

Sunday, we watched the undefeated Packers beat the St Louis Rams. Weather was windy, sunn and tolerable.

We talked about my friends on this site and their angels. Still hard seeing the younger cousin's grow-up when our children are forever-young.

We did laugh, talk, and actually sang!!!

Take care my friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Chads Mom]

“Happy Birthday Shawn” May your family feel the warmth of your spirit on this special day.

Polly--Chad's Mom

[lolynbo]

DOES ANYONE NO THE APP FOR THIS PAGE I CANT FIND IT ON IPHONE

[jeana]

My son Levi was a star wrestler when he was in high school. My sister n law, (the one that wrote the poem for him) and I have decided to start a scholarship in his memory. It will be the "Live for Levi" scholarship. We are going to get t shirts and hoodies made. It doesn't make my hurt any less, but it will help us to honor his life. I am still struggling with all this. I went back to work on the 10th, I am a 911, emergency services dispatcher, have been for 20 years. It has been very difficult. Its hard talking to people, because most people don't call 911 because they are having a good day, something is usually wrong. I have been home a few times. Don't know that I'll ever be able to live there again, as that is where he died, in my kitchen. I live out in the country, have horses, dogs and a cat. Even my dogs know something is wrong. My cat is even mad at me for not being there at night. She sat right next to me a couple days ago and peed on the floor.

[lolynbo]

CANT POST BUT HERE IS THE JUST OF IT.....GOT ROBBED AGAIN...THIS TIME THEY TOOK OUR STUFF AND SEVERAL OTHER PPLS THING TO DECORATE THIS GRAVE....

[lolynbo]

AGAIN CANT POST

[mikesmomrs]

Lorri: I am so sorry about what's going on at the cemetery...have the police been notified? Is the stuff in the picture some stuff that was taken from other sites and put onto this one? Unreal! Again, so sorry. My heart is with you.

Betsy: I am glad that you go to go out and ride around, but so sorry that you had such sadness accompany you. I know the bittersweetness of these moments, as we all do. I am glad that you find such joy in the blue of Rich's eyes... The reading of Mike's name today was because the Mass was being said in remembrance of him. the event you spoke of is the annual All Soul's day Mass. I will not be here for that this year, but I do hope they go ahead with changing things a bit so as to include everyone there.

Dee: how was your walk? I hope you have a good next week at school. Damon had to change classes, at the request of his mom, because of a child who was being a bully to him. (I may have mentioned this before.) I don't know what the school was doing about the bully, but after Sarah went to talk to the principal, very assertively, they changed did change Damon to another classroom. This was actually last month sometime. When Damon was here this weekend, I was asking Kam, and then Chan about school and how things were going. Well, seeing Damon twice a week, I didn't think to ask him. Shortly after, Jamie came in and I asked him how school was going. Damon looked at me, tilted his head and said "Nana, aren't you going to ask me how school is going?" Of course, I ask him this every day we pick him up, but I guess he just wanted to be part of the "guys."

Trudi: Give a hug to Melissa for me, and also for yourself...so much going on, and even more things keep happening. Wish I was there to help. I hope Melissa wasn't hurt even more in the auto accident. Goodness, it is certainly time for the vibes to change for the better, I would say! I am glad though that she has such a loving and caring mum to be there for her and for her family. Glad you all had such fun at the b'day party.

Sherry: I am so sorry that you are stressed out...are you feeling okay, or is it just life? Thinking of you...

Betty: So nice to see Stephen's sweet face. I hope things are okay with you.

Josie: I am glad that you are creating the scholarship in Levi's name. Many here have done similar things, and it always seems to help in the healing. Good wishes for your efforts. I hope you are soon able to feel comfortable in your home, though it is tough to do under the circumstances.

Col: So glad that you had a fun time this weekend. Creating those new memories is so important. I know that Brian is so proud of you!

I think I forgot to mention in my earlier post, that when we took the pumpkins to the cemetery, each of the boys had a pumpkin to write a message to their dad on. They seemed to find some comfort in doing this. I am so glad that we were able to do it, and it was a sunny, beautiful fall day.

I have a few pictures from Saturday.

[mikesmomrs]

PS: I don't think I posted this the other day, and I can't find it in my post, so I am going to post it now. This is a pic Ralph took of my sister and me, while visiting her the other day. We had a really good visit, though she seemed tired (of course, she will be 84 in Dec, so I guess she has a right to be tired). It was the day after the 39th anniversary of her children's deaths, and the day before Mike's anniversary. Shared pain, shared joy, shared memories. My sister is a beautiful person.

[mysonrich]

Carol. Great pictures as always. The people in your life are very photogenic, you are too. A license plate I saw this morning, REDSOX4.

[Guest msnher]

Oh Lorri that breaks my heart!. I understand your frustration, but can you imagine the person or people who's grieving the loss of their loved one and the only way they find to honor them is to steal from other graves to make their loved one's grave "presentable". I'm not justifying their actions, but there is definitely a story there. A very sad story. I would be happy to send you some money to buy things for that grave plot and leave there anonymously. That person is probably suffering alone. I wonder if it's a child. I was just five when my grandfather died, the only real friend I ever had as a child. I picked out a grave that I thought was his...I found out in my adult life it wasn't his plot, hell, it wasn't even the right cemetary, but as a child I didn't know that. I found comfort playing on the site I thought was his. I didn't view it as stealing, I viewed it as "finding", when I took things off other graves and put them on the anonymous plot.

I can picture the scene in the spirit world; I'm sure all the spirits involved gathered with my grandfather to be with me. I don't think one of them got mad at me about the whole thing.

And, then again, the thief might just be some a$$hole who is too lazy to go buy his/her own stuff. I think the solution is to softly confront the person and offer to help decorate their plot. I'll help pay for it. Seriously.

[lolynbo]

AH UR SO SWEET, I HONESTLY THINK IT WAS SOMEONE TRYING TO BE FUNNY....THE POLICE WERE NOTIFIED AND MADE ANOTHER REPORT, AND WILL START PATROLING MORE OUT THERE...MONTY SAID "UV BEEN OUT HERE WAY TO MUCH IF YOU NO WHERE EVERYTHING CAME FROM"....WELL I PAY ATTENTION TO THINGS CANT HELP IT, KOURTNEYS LIKE THAT TOO...BUT YES I THINK IT WAS SOMEONE THINKING THEY WERE FUNNY....

THIS GUY IS 40ISH THAT DIED SO I DONT THINK IT WAS "HIS FRIENDS".....BUT I WILL KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR ANY VISITORS HE MAY GET....

THANKS FOR THE GENERIOUS OFFER...UR SO VERY KINDA AND THOUGHTFUL...IM JUST REALIZING SOME PPL JUST SUCK...IN OUR WORLD

[Guest msnher]

If it's just someone playing a joke I may have to unload a can of whoopa$$ on them...I mean after I went and felt sorry for them and all.

[westleysmom]

Lorri and Dee-So sorry for the cemetery shenanigans that hurt our hearts so much. To think that it was done with meanness intended and not just thoughtlessness makes it worse, although thoughtlessness is pretty bad to begin with.

Sherry-Hope you are feeling less stressed out today.

Sonya-I'm sorry I missed Danielle's day and am glad to see her beautiful face and know that you are still around. Life just gets so busy sometimes.

Betsy-Good for you. Sometimes people are just low down and mean and you can't take it anymore. Loved the pictures you took.

Trudi-That's a shame about the car. I hope that Melissa is doing better with her leg and it doesn't cause a setback with that.

Josie-The scholarship fund sounds like a great idea. I suppose I should have done something like that in Westley's name, but he hated hated hated school. It somehow felt like the last thing he would have wanted was be involved in "making" it possible for somebody to go to school longer! I think Trudi was also an emergency dispatcher before, I can't imagine having such a stressful job as that. It takes very special people I believe to be teachers and emergency workers and my hat is off to you all for your dedication and hard work.

Karen-I'm sorry I missed Shawn's day and hope that you made it through okay and felt him with you.

Got to get to work. Just been wondering the past few days if I will ever do anything in my life other than try to think of something to do that will let me forget how sad I am for a little while. Like you (I think it was you) Susannah, I sometimes put it in a box and try to just go about my life as if everything is okay. But it still feels as if I'm marking time, just waiting, you know? For what? Him to come back or me to join him? The other shoe to drop, I don't know what. Well anyway, I hope you all have as good a day as you can. I think of y'all even when I don't post, somedays I just can't think of one single thing that would be worth putting down here.

[shorty16]

Carol - I love, love, love the picture of you and your sis. What a great picture of the two of you. I have such respect for her, living through the death of her children in silence. WOW - I am humbled by her strength.

Lorri - So sorry the items you purchased for Kourtney's grave site are ending up at someone elses. I sure hope that you can get your things back. I thought Sus's take on the situation was better than thinking someone just stole them. Either way they are gone - I am sending you a hug - Feel it?

Betsy - Yes, we do have a punching bag in our basement. A big one that actually punches back!! I hear Aaron using it every once in a while. I use it sometimes also, but I am a wimp and have to wear gloves.

Trudi - Also sending you love as you learn to adjust to the hills full time. In my humble opinion, trying to keep busy with volenteer work is the way to go. You help others and hopefully that brings you joy. I think of you often.

Josie - "Live for Levi" is an awesome idea. My Brian was also a wrestler and so were the other 2 boys involved in Brian's death. Wrestlers are a different breed where pain is a relative thing. Keep us informed.

Sus - What a unique way of viewing Lorri's situation. Thanks for telling the story about you playing at Grandpa's grave (even though it was not him) he got the idea.

To all my friends.

Like Rhonda said, "It feels like I am marking time." I too feel that way. I (like all of us here) just miss my boy so much. All these activities we do to try to keep our minds occupied. Until we can see them again.

Love to you all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[kmb22]

Edit

[drobertsdt]

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you! You are all wonderful people and I feel so close to you already. I am still new in learning how to work this forum stuff..so please bare with me, it will come. I am dreading Wednesday which will mark a whole month that my son has been gone. I really just want to curl up in a ball and not move, i know that I simply can't. It has been a month since I have heard his sweet voice, or felt his touch or his warm embrace. I know some of you have been doing this for years now...and I simply don't know how you do it. I have my good days and my bad days, yesterday was a bad day...couldn't even get out of my pj's. I have a regular 8-5 job Mon-Fri...it is hard to keep up sometimes as you all know. I had a neat facebook message from someone yesterday about how Adrian was there for her daughter and talked her through some really hard times and how much she thanked God for him. It was very sweet. On the other hand it made me angry...why couldn't that have been my son..who had a friend like that would have talked him through his addictions and hard times (other than those of us who were close to him). I know it is just part of the territory, but it makes me angry. My daughter went to a concert on Saturday night that she and her brother were to have gone to together. It was hard for her and for me, and for all of us. I guess the reality is setting in for me...as I kept waiting for him to walk in the door yelling my name as he always did as soon as he hit the door. Just simply very very sad. Thank you again to all of you for reading and for posting...i read them all...it helps to know of others who are feeling the way I am feeling and to know what it is like. I hate that we are here...but it does help. Love to you all.

[shorty16]

Karen - WOW, what a weekend you had. So glad that the hockey game took place and raised money for the scholarship. Shawn was smiling down on you that day. I am also sorry that you have to deal with personalities that act more like 2 year olds than the adults they should be. Do not give them any space in your brain - they do not deserve it. Also, glad you could stay the entire time. GOOD JOB!!

Adrian's Mom - You sound just like I did the first month or so. Waiting for our son's to come through the door. I swear, I did that for a long time. Also, I am sending a Kudos to your daughter for even going to the concert. Doing anything at such an early stage is a great thing. I work full-time, plus and I must say, work does a good job of keeping my mind occupied. What we have learned on this site is that the days leading up to an anniversary are usually worse than the date itself. It takes a while to figure that out. Take care, what concert did your daughter go to?

To all my friends

Someone turned down the thermastat in Wisconsin. It is cool now (we do not say cold until it hits below freezing.)

Just sending warm thoughts to my friends on this site.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Chads Mom]

Adrian’s Mom: I am so very very sorry you are feeling badly. I know the good days and the bad days as well. We all do. I do praise you for being able to communicate your feelings when everything is just so raw right now.

It’s been 140 days since my son passed away from Cancer and I wonder everyday how I’m going to live without him but yet I wake up every morning and make it through another day. (whether I want to or not)

There are just days my expectations for myself and from others are unrealistic. Get up, go to work, pretend like everything is okay, come home, clean the house, make dinner, make small talk… Nope there are just days I wish it would all go away. But then I think of my son and maybe something he said or did and I smile………. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I don't. I wish someone had supplied me with an instruction manual on how to do this....

Keep your chin up I will be thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.

Polly--Chad’s Mom

[ericasmom]

To All th eNew Parents here,

the early expectations of yourselves and others wil indeed be altered as you go, there is anger and blinding rage and then blinding sadness that gets in our way, gets in the way of being a person with expectations. There are stupid phrases that blurt out of kind hearted folks, and some not kind hearted. We cannot expect others to really get where we are, don't want anyone to really know but we do wish some folks would simply say that they are sorry for our pain rather than some of what comes. Just so you all know however, we have started collecting really (dumb-ass) things people say to us as we make our way through grief. We would love to someday publish it, it is called: Oh No You Did Not Just Say that!

We have all endured some real doozies and have found that rather than get mad, we may as well make some jokes about the ridiculous nature of some of these sayings.

[ericasmom]

Karen, it sounds as though you really handled the weekend with grace and style and that Shawn's true friends were there for him and for you. I am so glad. I am glad that your Dear friend also came to be by your side. SHawn must be grinning.

[lolynbo]

DEE LETS JUST CALL IT LIKE IT IS "I SEE STUPID PEOPLE"

SO SAD TO SEE NEW PPL, HUGGS TO ALL AND YES U ARE SADLY IN THE RIGHT PLACE...

GOT RUFF DRAFT FOR THE TSHIRT...IM LIKING IT SO FAR I WILL POST PIC AS SOON AS I CAN

[dwsmithrn]

HI ALL....SO SORRY TO SEE ALL THE NEWBIES HERE....BUT SO GLAD YOU HAVE FOUND US...AND TRUST ME, YOU NEED US AS MUCH AS WE NEED YOU. WE WILL HOLD YOUR HAND AND HUG YOUR HEART. THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE LITERALLY, AND I MEAN THIS WITH ALL MY HEART, SAVED MY LIFE....I AM STILL HERE....I STILL WAKE UP EVERYDAY, ALTHOUGH I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY I DO, BUT I DO.

we got home from arkansas last night and had a very nice visit with my brother and sister-in-law....12 beautiful acres and lovely gardens all over the place, even edible ones, which we did partake in at mealtime. such loving family....i am grateful. i did find peace there and it was good for me to be there. really. i still miss nathan and i never stopped thinking about him every second of every minute of every day and night, but the peace of the place and company of some understanding lovng family members sure helped.....

KAREN....i am so sorry i missed shawn's day....i hope you felt his love shine upon you.....i am happy to hear that the game went well other than the unfavorable drama that had to be there, but you are my hero....you did well....also glad the money was raised for the scholarship fund. that is wonderful...

i am thinking of all of you....

i will try to check in again soon....home is always best for me as i continue to miss my nathan....i still don't understand how life goes on around me and mine has stopped....or seems to have stopped. i don't recognize things like blue skies, sunshine, flowers, etc....it's just gray and bland and my heart hurts....he's gone and i want him home and i want to hear him and feel him and talk to him again. that black cloud follows me around all the time.....

sorry, i do tend to rant and rave and ramble on, don't i?

later...diane

[daveydow1]

Carol and Betsy-----thanks for your kind words.......I'm doing better today, thank goodness.

You know how it is to have one of those stressful, crappy days, I'm sure.....as

does everyone who is on this site, but we all stand together, and get past it one

day at a time.

Col-----Your phrase touched my heart........'younger cousins/friends growing up, and

our kids staying young forever'. That's so heartbreakingly true, isn't it.? I guess we

will always have those times when bittersweet moments cut into us. Peace to you. My

husband is following your PACKERS now.

Josie----My heart goes out to you......working at your job as a 911 dispatcher. Yes, you

are right.....people do not call 911 unless there's something very wrong/dangerous.

Sending prayers for you. Also, I agree that dogs & cats seem to have an inner sense

that they know when someone in the family is no longer in the house. My cat would not

sleep on the first floor of the 2-story house after my son, Davey, was killed. She made

her way up to the second floor every night. He always played with her when he came home

from work late......after his 3-11 shift. The "Live for Levi" scholarship fund is a wonderful

way to honor your beloved son. Best of luck with it.

Sus----Sweet story of how you played at what you thought was your dear Grandpa's grave

when you were so little. Grandpa was surely looking down and smiling on his dear little Grandie.

Lor---Sorry about the things being taken off dear Kourtney's grave. You are right to keep

your eyes open to see just what is going on there.

Dee----Oh.....thanks for asking about my 'down' day. 'Just life'----as Carol said. Seemed

like a whole lot of stuff just crowding in at once......you know how it is. I put on my raincoat,

got a big umbrella, and just walked along the cornfield for quite some time. Just a soft rain......

no bad storm. The corn is all brown and dried now, and the leaves scratched together when

the breeze blew. Pretty relaxing. (also......TURNED OFF the @#$%*@ phone for awhile !! )

Went to bed early to read/listen to the radio...soft soft music.I'm doing better today.

Carol-----I remember you telling about the bully that pesters Damon. I hope something can

be done about it. It's good that Damon was changed to another class, to avoid the jerky kid.

Love the nice pic of you & your sis.

Karen-----Glad that you had a nice day on Shawn's birthday. Somehow we do get through

those special days, although we may not know how to explain how we did it. Shawn was no

doubt smiling down with love.

Adriansmom-----Thoughts & prayers as you reach the very difficult 1 mo. date. I remember,

so well, when I was at that stage. So very painful and sad.., I know. Peace & comfort to you, friend.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[rlolheiser]

I miss so many days lately.. it seems there is never time to get online.. and when there is I am just to tired.. bad excuse.

My thoughts though are with our angels, daily I think of them.. Shawn.. Mike.. so many new angels, it breaks my heart.

Carol, I am so glad Ralph is doing better.. it is nice to see good news..

I did read .. and should respond to more, but by the time I read the seven pages since I last posted.. it is time to get back off..

I may not be here often.. but my heart is always..

[jeana]

My brother and sis n law gave me the most beautiful ring today. Made me cry to get it. Its inscribed with No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye, you were gone before we knew it, and only GOD knows why. I have questioned my faith so much the last year. I still believe in God and that He will carry me through this, what I don't understand is why all of this has happened. Everyone says He has a better plan for me, but there is not any plan that I wanted that didn't include my husband, my baby grand daughter and my son.

I went to my house today, stood in the spot where my son died. I read his obituary, I sit and stare at his picture, my head feels like its in a fog and as soon as the fog clears everything will be alright. I just can't believe he is gone. I miss him so much. How does ones heart break a million times over everyday and still survive? You would think that this kind of pain would kill you, but I guess its just a way of letting us know we are still alive.

My 3 year old grandson says his papa Jim, Uncle Levi and baby sissy come to talk to him at night. His birthday was last week, he woke his momma up at 4am and told her they had come to tell him happy birthday. Its been almost 11 months since his papa Jim died. The things he tells us his papa says are like he has really talked to him. How do we explain away what he says he has saw? I believe if he says his papa, uncle and baby sissy come to see him, then they must be.

[Guest msnher]

Josie - I believe.

Lorri - I wonder if the thief is a child...is what I meant. However, I still believe there is a story. I mean, there HAS to be a story. People don't continually steal from someone's else grave site without a reason. It's either a sad story. Or, a dare. Maybe the person dying dared the other to do it continually. Or, maybe it's part of their past...maybe they were theives together and they are continuing their life of crime even in death. Or...maybe the person doing the stealing is really an enemy of the person who died and he/she's trying to stir up some mud (I cleaned that up). Anyway, there's a story and I hope you find it. Oh...oh...oh...oh..maybe it has NOTHING to do with the person buried there or his/her friends. Maybe it's one of YOUR enemies trying to make you crazy. It's a mystery for sure!

Karen, I'm still mad as hell at your ex's ex and the other woman involved! You are such a better person than I am!! I love your friend's post on facebook!!!!!!!!!!

Mind went blank. Used up too many brain cells trying to figure out the case of the stolen grave decorations. We need a camera...one of those small, hidden thingys.

[Guest msnher]

Not saying you have any enemies, Lorri...maybe that crazy Amanda? And, of course, no one steals the site, itself. Just the pretties...

I can just see our angels rolling their eyes. I held Steph's urn/ashes the other day. I let the tears fall and hugged her and cried. In my brain I could hear Steph saying, "I'm not in there, Mom...I got out alive." I told her "Too damn bad. Until I get to hold YOU I'm holding your urn." I swear I got the warmest, sweetest, powerful energy hug ever. Filled me right up. Cool, huh?

[ericasmom]

Yes cool indeed Sus. I love when I get the electrical power through me when Eri is about.

Josie, I do believe that your Grandboy did see his Grandpa, Uncle, and Sissy. Three year olds don't know to make it up, they simply are innocent beings who are able to connect on a level we are too cluttered for. Believe the child's words, for they only know truth. THat they came on his birthday to wish him well? Absolutely. Bless his little receptive heart, and tell him to let Grandpop and Uncle and Sissy know that you are so glad that they come to visit. And it is through this young one that you are made to know that your Loved ones are nearby, watching over you all. I know it isn't enough, but it is so much really when you think about it. The combined efforts of three gone too early coming near to let you know. I do understand that you would much rather hold them in your arms, the real flesh and blood them, I sure get that, but for now, know that they are near and loving you always.

Sus, glad that you are feeling better now. I do indeed know those days where nothing feels right, agitated for reasons not always explainable. Just happy to know that you are fine now. The walk in the rain sounds like it was good and peaceful and spirit strengthening.

Goodnight All, sweet thoughts, count our angels if you wake up in the night, you just may find that they help you fall back to sleep. Carol, a fabulous trip to you and Ralph. I love you and wish your trip to be filled with goodness.