Loss of an Adult Child

[Susie_q512]

Tonight marks the last evening I spent with Shannon. Tomorrow, at 2:39 pm, will mark the time of the accident that claimed her life. At the time of her death, she was 16 years, 3 months, 1 day and 6 hours old. Funny how everything is now counted. How long I had her, how long I've been without her. At this time four weeks ago, we were getting ready to watch a movie together. It marked the last movie that I watched with "both" my girls, the last movie Ragan watched with her sister, the last evening that we were complete and whole. I can't really say how I am doing. I'm here. I have a pulse. I sometimes cry, but my tears are few. I wait for my heart to pour out the pain it holds. I wait for the screams to escape my mouth. I wait for the reality to take hold. For now, I simply cannot believe or accept that she is gone. I keep thinking, "Is this real?", "I've lost Shannon?", "I don't understand how this happened?" I have had one spiritually based dream of her, and it was wonderful, but mostly my dreams are of me trying to protect her or stop the accident from occurring. Nothing I do works. I keep trying and trying, but then I remember that she is dead. I'm too late and all my efforts are in vain. Sometimes I am looking for her, knowing something is wrong and I need to protect her. She's there then she's gone, over and over....always racing time....always too late. It's a confusing awareness that takes place in my dreams when I realize how long it's been since the accident...I even count in my dreams. And the sadness that comes with that knowledge is so deep. The knowing that if I had done something, anything differently that day, maybe it would have turned out differently. I am tormented. What greater Hell is there than this? If only I could get to God, I would wrestle Him and take her back. I think, "How dare He take my beloved child?" And then I think, "Would she return to me, to a physical body, if given the choice? Would she leave Heaven and all its wonders and knowledge and love to come back here?" How light her spirit must be compared to a cumbersome body. How glorious is it to be able to understand the mysteries and wonders of the universe and life? What sights, colors, sounds does she experience? How they must pale in comparison to those things experienced here. I am riding a roller coaster. Disbelief, anger, guilt, sadness, longing. I hate this ride. I hate everything about it.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[Susie_q512]

Really can't figure out why my posts are so screwy lately

Never mind....I finally engaged my brain and figured it out

[ericasmom]

Susan, you have put into words the feelings we have all shared in those first weeks, months and years of losing our Little Ones. It is torment, it is horrendous, it is the worst thing and I am so sorry you are having to feel any of this. Just keep coming and telling us how you are, what you are feeling, as it helps you find your footing when the road is wavy and unsteady. Tears may come, they may not come...the sadness and all that it entails comes no matter the tears. The tears may still be in shock with the rest of your system. I am glad for the spiritual dream, I sure know the other ones. Be kind to yourself. Let Raegan know that we are thinking of her as well.

Peace,

dee

[shorty16]

Susan, Shannon's Mom

I read every word of your post and that is exactly how I felt - Is this really happening? Did my son really die of car-surfing? What the Heck is car-surfing? What could I have done to change this? These thoughts will go on for a while. Like one of the gentlemen said on this forum "You will bang your head against the wall until you just can't do it any more."

Each of us has a different time-frame for this, but it does come. Hang on my friend. This is the toughest journey any of us will ever endure. But we endure it together. Holding and helping each other along the bumps and cravaces of this grief journey. Guilt was my demon during the first 2 years of my grief. The guilt that somehow I contributed to Brian thinking it was OK to get on the hood of a car and then drive like a mad-man. I still cannot wrap my mind around that. We are here for you.

Your words are so elegant.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Josie

There are several on this site who have had the same experience as you with your grandson. They are usually very young children who say the deceased comes and talks with them at night. Just like you described. The young children can recall the conversation and give vivid details of responses.

Like Sus said "I BELIEVE"

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mikesmomrs]

just jumping on really quick to say "We're off!" ONLY running 2 hours and 30 minutes late, but I've already given the warning that if I am stressed about it, I am not going!

Will check in when I can. love to all.

[Guest msnher]

Have fun, Carol! No worries this trip.

Susan - Been there, done that. I totally get where you are coming from. Hugs to you!

Well, it would seem I am in the middle of my own mystery. For the last three nights in a row someone has left a vague, rude message on Stephanie's virtual memorial site. Well, last night there was no message, it was just blank. The first night they used the name Kameryn that said "So that's the case? Quite a revelation that is." The second message from Velvet said "That's not even 10 minutes well spent." Last night's message was blank and the person who wrote it put it from some random letters. The url addresses don't exist. I'm bothered by it for a few reasons. One, the safety of the kids...hoping it's not their step dad or one of his cronies. Two, hoping it's not the man Stephanie was seeing when she died. We didn't know about him and it turned out he was transitioning out of prison for felony stalking his girlfriend - before Stephanie. He had hogtied her and left her in a field to die. Steph's friends were convinced she was murdered. They're all too high or drunk now to even have a rational conversation with. He, the boyfriend we didn't know about, did text Stephanie's phone after she died. His children left messages on Steph's memorial site before. Only I was under the impression they were young children and the messages were from someone more mature. And, then there's the possibility of the woman who hurt the children. Or one of Steph's old running druggy friends. And, then...it may be nothing.

I get angry at Stephanie when this stuff happens. Angry that she brought those kind of people into our lives at all. I can't tell you what a nightmare it was. I'm upset that we still feel the effects of it.

Well, I guess I'll just watch the site and if we get any more take it to the police. The detective is great at helping us.

Thanks for listening. PS - I also feel bad that someone would take advantage of my daughter's memorial site to leave those messages. Then the comment about it not being worth 10 minutes of time. Maybe I haven't put enough energy into it. I'll leave it alone for now.

[Guest msnher]

PSS - the three posts are all in the wee morning hours....when the bars close.

[ericasmom]

I am sending good thoughts to you Carol for you and Ralph to have a fantastic trip.

Sus, weird and uncalled for. Keep an eye, but try not to go to that place where the possibilities haunt you.

[Guest msnher]

Thanks, Dee. I'll try.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Hello everybody.

Josie

I have not posted much lately, but I continue to read daily. My little boy Brendan passed away on December 4th of 2010. It was a terrible accident and he left all of us with broken hearts. Including his 5 year old little brother Jackson. First of all I want to say that I am very sorry for all you have been through. Second, I do believe in the dreams. Jackson has told us numerous times now that Brendan has come to him in his dreams. He talks about it with such confidence. My sister in law was pregnant and Jackson grabbed the phone one night to talk to her. He told her that she needed to name her baby Elijah. When we asked where he got that name from he said. "Brendan told me in my dream that Aunt Jocelyn was supposed to name her baby Elijah". Jackson was 5 years old at the time and did not know another boy named Elijah. To this day when we ask him he tells us that Brendan told him that name. Little Elijah Charles was born on September 16th. Jackson was really struggling the last three weeks. We took him to counseling and he finally opened up. He was mad at Jesus and he was mad at Brendan. When she asked why he was mad at Brendan he said "Because he hasn't given me anymore Brendan dreams". It had been a while since his last dream. Last week, Jackson came running into our room screaming that he had a Brendan dream. He said they played Baseball and that he was happy. That dream completely changed Jackson's week. He has been his old self again. Jackson has told us so many other things regarding his dreams about Brendan. Things that a 5 year old just could not know. I have no doubt that our loved ones are still with us. They are closer than we know.

Thinking of you

Brendan's Daddy - Tony

[ericasmom]

Tony, how wonderful that Auntie Jocylyn did name her Son Elijah...so good that Jackson was able to let you all know and so wonderful that he opened up to the counselor. Give our little Champion a hug as he leads, A Child Leads Us All to know that our Angels are near. The wonderfully unencumbered mind and spirits of our little ones. Thanks for sharing that story Tony, it once again, makes my heart dance.

Sus, I know how hard that is, I tend to go to the depths of the black hole in possibilities, icky place though. So keep yourself busy today and see what transpires tonight.

[mikesmomrs]

Hey all...we r making great progress...mainly cuz there are

NO rest areas on this entire road!! We finally pulled off into a town in NJ which was a HUGE concession on talons part as he truly hates ugh to "look" for something. A few miles bfore we turned off I said "oh I forgot to pack the bread for my sandwich." (I had made chix salad this

Morning bfore we left but forgot my bread (Ralph has a special kind that I don't care for).well we drove into the town and of course cldnt find anyplace so we pulled into a gas station for info. This really cute typical new jersey italian guy is wrkg the pump and we ask him where the nearest wenches or something like that is. He tells us but says "if u want to go in somewhere nice and suit down...." and I quickly said "oh no we r not actually going there to go in...we just want somewhere to pull in so I can make a sandwich out of some delicious chicken salad l made it to take with for lunch." He comes right back with "oh well just want down the street is a whassup plaza (supermarket) and u can

get a nice loaf of bread there." HUH?? How the heck did he know I needed bread?? I think mike is messing with me!!!

Josie: I agree..dreams can b a gift.

Sus: I am so sorry abt the unsettling remarks on steph's memorial site. I hope they stop.

Ralph is telling me to put this away so like a good wife I will stop txtg and put both hands on the wheel. (Joking)

Catch I later....

[mikesmomrs]

Oh I hate auto spellcheck on this (ralphs ) phone!

Translation for previous post..

Talons equals ralphs

Wenches equals wendys

Suit down equals Wendys

And finally the best of all:

Whassup equals Shaws. ?!?!?!? How THAT happened I will never know!

[Chads Mom]

Today we went to see my mother-in-law for her birthday, I know everyone in our little family circle realizes there is a big elephant in the room. We look over in the empty spot, no one sits in the empty spot because we know who should be in the empty spot. Funny how we all know the empty spot is still Chad’s.

Then my brother-in-law comes over and he brings his baggage with him (current girlfriend) and she sits down in that empty spot looks at us all and then tells us “Wow you guys are a bunch of Debbie downers” His baggage then tells me well you still have your cat right? Is she kidding me? Did she just say that to me? It’s really about all I can do to stop myself from kicking her through the front door and slamming it shut…. But I don’t I just sit there for a minute and then I leave the room and go outside with my sister to take a time out. The baggage comes outside a few minutes later and comments about how rude some people are…. and goes back in to collect my whipped brother-in-law to be on there way to go home.

I sit here now thinking if it’s this bad today what do I have to look forward to when Thanksgiving and Christmas get here?????

Just rambling sorry…

Hope everyone is doing well today…

Polly--Chad's Mom

[daveydow1]

Polly----So sorry that the 'baggage' was so very rude and thoughtless. Can't

believe that she would say such a thing ("You still have your cat, right??").

Totally stupid thing to say. You are so right........the empty place where our

child/children should be will always be something in our minds and hearts.

Sending thoughts & prayers your way, friend.

Sus-----Strange messages, indeed. I hope that they stop coming.

Dee----Strange weather we're having, but then, I guess that it is just typical

fall days. Lots of clouds.....gray, then nice white ones......then breezy and

threatening rain. The wild critters in our area must be holed up.......haven't

seen any for awhile. The deer made short work of all the chestnuts that had

fallen out back. All that's left is the spiny, spiky, hulls. They get ground up

when the mower goes over them. I have a very late blooming morning glory

on the grape arbor post back by the garden. (I planted it late this year). It

has many lovely blue flowers each morning.

Carol----Have a lovely and restful trip.

PEACE AND A NICE RESTFUL SLEEP TONIGHT........ TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[lolynbo]

SO DOES ANYONE NO THE WEB PAGE ON IPHONE FOR THIS PAGE I TRIED BEYOND INGDIGO, I TRIED GRIEVING.COM NO APP

[shorty16]

Polly, Chad's Mom

Well, your first introduction to the people who have no clue. There are alot of them and the things they say will someday become a book. Dee already told you the title, but it is worth repeating

Oh No You Didnt Just Say That

There have been some doosies!! And yours is right up there!! I love how you phase "the baggage" LOVE IT You are truly giften in writting.

So sorry you had to endure that and so proud that you held it together. In my opinion, when we respond, we give credit to her statements. Great Job

Colleen, Brian's AKA Brain's Mother Forever (That will forever make me smile)

[Guest msnher]

Polly, your brother's baggage is an idiot.

[summergirl]

Hello my dear friends....it has been quite some time since I was last here...alot happening. I see we have new members and it breaks my heart as always yet glad they have found their way here. I have been missing my Jessica as always, each day a new reminder that she is gone yet my life continues on a course that has many curves, bumps and potholes but am surviving with the love I have for Tavian and hubby....I know Jessica wants me to be happy, to live for her and keep her memory alive and I am doing my best but somedays are just

Yesterday Tavian had a bad asthma attack, run and pick him up from school, off to doctor's then to pharmacy for medicine. Back on nebulizer 3 times a day, puffer at school if needed and prednisone (yikes) for 3 days. Off to see a specialist next week so we can learn more about this and try to get him regulated with medication etc...... As always I panic at the thought of him having any problem, even a stomache ache and I get nervous....really have to try to get over that but not sure it is gonna happen.

Oh so true - STUPID THINGS PEOPLE SAY - still going through that after 5 and a half years.....some people just will never get it. How right you are Suz when you said "the baggage is an idiot" ..... made me laugh as it is so true but so very sad for Polly that she had to endure such stupidity.....

Things have been rough with my son and no sense going into the details as most of you here know the details, my heart has been broken again but I am standing strong and keeping the faith......I have not talked to him but his girlfriend said that he is back on track and she is holding tight. I will never lose hope and will love him as a mother loves her child no matter what but I will not go down the road I have already been on again. Never to be an "enabler" again....Prayers are more than welcome.

I have missed you all, missed so much but I know that you are always here whenever I come. You are always in my heart and prayers.....Love, Peace and Strength to all, Kathy

My future "mechanic" working with Pop-Pop in the garage. Love that boy.....

[ericasmom]

What a remark for the book...and I too love the word 'baggage'.

[Chads Mom]

Sherry: I know.. In what world does a person compare a cat to a child right???

Colleen: I could tell you stories of my brother-in-law and “the baggage” that would make your hair stand on end. But I was taught well by my mother. If you have nothing nice to say leave the room before someone ends up with a black eye.

It’s okay she is still young I think the worst she has experienced so far has been a broken finger nail. One thing for sure is being able to get the hurt off my chest here makes me feel a lot better. My husband even caught me giggling when I read Susannah’s comment: “Your brothers baggage is an idiot”

Dee: You should write that book it feels good to be outraged and then be able to laugh a little bit at the stupidity of it.

Off to bed warm hugs and peace to all…

Polly--Chad’s Mom.

[mikesmum]

Dear All ~ To the newbies, I wish I had the words that would make sense of where you find yourself, but after 4+ yrs I don't have any.

The dumbass things people say....well they shatter the air like breaking glass. I find it hard to take comfort in things like "you still have.....". I'm selfish, I want back what I had.

I am working very hard on being 'present' in this life. I have become a 'mentor' to a 9yr old girl who is introverted and struggles at times with not fitting in.....oh yeah I get that.

I have been working with a therapist learning more about meditation. It has helped when faced with a circumstance or event that would normally bring me undone, given me if you like a different coping.

Things still take unawares...like today when the hose connector broke on a hose reel Mike and Lauren gave me back in 1998. Its a hose reel, a plastic connector, its 13 yrs old and yet I found myself overcome with 'grief', tears, sobbing when it broke....

Tomorrow Melissa turns 35. Another milestone, she is now the eldest of my living children...I hate saying that. We are having a mother daughter day. She attends physio then off to the outlet stores to buy her something for herself....not for the kids, not for the partner...for her.

Muttley is laying in the cool darkness of this room where I sit and type. Its been like a summers day and we have accomplished our 'spring high pressured cleaning' on the outside of the house.

Next week we are having a drive and walk sealed....and so it goes.

Carol & Ralph ~ Oh to be transversing the countryside like to gypsys. Love the txting on the mobile....couldn't see the keys let alone txt! Stay safe, enjoy the ride as they say....

Take Care Indigo's

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi..Ralph says he'd rather be doing a "walkabout" down under...hmmm..so would I but also want my dear friend Trudi with us!

Polly: you did well not to stow the baggage with some choice words.

All..off to ralphs sis today

..300 miles..not bad..200 less than yesterday. Will be an interesting visit. Haven't seen her in well over thirty years and she never "took" to the Yankee that stole her little baby brother! Oh well, perhaps after 47 years she has softened, like most of us, and realizes I meant no harm :-)

Love to u all the we're off to see the wizard...er, sister!

[shorty16]

Good Morning my Indigo Pals

Just a quick note to say "Hello" and start my day. The weather has sure cooled off, summer is definetly over and Autumn is in full swing.

The lack of sunlight is already getting to me. I find myself taking my breaks outside and letting the sunlight hit my face.

Trudi - It shows that you are really trying to live in the present. Helping that little girl become more self-assured. I also get the hose thing. Even though it is old, you got it from your Mike. That is how we felt about Brian's snowboard ramps. We knew we had to get rid of them, they were falling apart, but to just burn the wood was too hard; therefore, Scott made a garden box out of the wood. I plant my sunflowers and other flowers in there now.

OK Everyone, on 11-17-2011, our youngest child turns 18. I cannot even believe it. Also on that date, Aaron will go to the DMV get his driver liscence. As you remember, Aaron had his liscence for about 3 weeks until he crashed Brian's car. I was beside myself and ran (not walked) to the DMV to withdrawl my sponsorship. In Wisconsin, any driver under 18 needs to have an adult sign and take responsibility for their actiosn or they cannot drive. Well, we did that for 3 weeks. I am still so upset Brian's car is gone. That was my mother's car before that. I am nervous, but have talked to Aaron until I cannot talk anymore. Aaron will also be paying his auto insure, $100 a month. Not bad for a 17 year old boy with bad grades and an accident on his record. Wish us luck.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Susie_q512]

Good Morning Everyone. I made it through yesterday with only a few moments of crying. I guess I am depressed. No motivation to do anything. Any little

thing that I do seems to take such effort and exhausts me. As I have mentioned before, I'm here. Still have a pulse, but not exactly living...just existing.

We were given the last of her belongings from the car yesterday morning. I already had some items, but the car was so damaged that some things

couldn't be reached. A family friend arranged to have her car towed to his shop, and he began taking the car apart to retrieve everything that was

still in there. She had recently cleaned out her car, so there wasn't much that needed to be gotten. She suffered head trauma and generalized chest

trauma at the time of the accident. The chest trauma caused her to bleed out, so much of what I have is soaked. It doesn't bother me though. Her blood

is my blood, but it is a reminder of how severe the injuries were and that nothing could have been done to save her. Very thankful that she did not suffer

the trauma of the accident. Very thankful that she didn't suffer at all and was peaceful at the time she passed, which was literally moments

after the impact. People who have worked in this field have assured me that she felt nothing and probably didn't even realize what was happening when

the accident occurred because it happened so very quickly. Neither she nor the other driver had time to react, no skid marks left or attempts to avoid the

impact were made. If there is any comfort to be had in this situation, it comes in the form that she had no time for fear nor did she experience pain. I have

met two people who were with her immediately after the accident. They stayed with her until police and paramedics arrived. They have told

me that she was very peaceful, no struggling, no suffering. As far as people saying stupid things, I haven't yet encountered much stupidity. The thing I

struggle with is the religious beliefs of others. I live in Georgia, deep in the Bible Belt. I am rooted in the Christian faith, but my beliefs differ slightly from

most. Most Christians believe that the soul of the departed can no longer interact or have any form of relationship or communication with the living.

They believe in "The Great Gulf Fix" and any visitation from a spirit is demonic. I do not believe this to be true and struggle with those who start speaking

this way, especially my husband who talks to me about it constantly. I really have to fight the urge to rip a person's head from their body and play kickball

with it. I think, how dare you or anyone else push your beliefs on me without permission or utter words that take the only source of comfort I have

from me? I believe that relationship can continue, but it is in a different "form". Who are they to take that from me? I confronted my husband

about it last night. He has since apologized and promised to try not to speak of the issue again....thank goodness! Most people do believe in Heaven,

that our loved ones are in a better and much more wonderful place than we can possibly imagine, but I find it little comfort at this time. As we each have

had the misfortune of learning, our heart's desire is to have them back....screw Heaven....just give me my child back! I remember watching my father die

when I was four. It is forever etched into my memory. I also have no recollection of the event being explained to me. The words that I remember coming

out of the mouths of well-meaning people were "God needed another Angel." I remember thinking even at that young age that that was the stupidest

thing I had ever heard....He's God, right? What could He possibly need? Besides, He could just make another angel, why kill someone and leave a

family without their loved one? All I wanted at that time was my Daddy....All I want at this time is my Shannon. It's really very simple.

I have been working on Thank you cards. I have avoided the more "final" acts like filing the insurance claim, closing accounts and cancelling

memberships, but must get that done today...at least the insurance claim....gotta get the funeral home paid. Still need to pick out the photo we want to

use for the etching of the marker along with the inscription. All these things need to be done, but they seem so final. It's absurd that we are having to do

this. I never thought this would be part of my life history. As my girls would say, "This sucks balls."

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[dwsmithrn]

hi indigos....i am so sorry to see and 'feel' the grief and sadness of the newbies....susan and josie...it is such a difficult time for you....so new and the unknown, is just that, unknown. i am so sorry you find yourselves here. but we welcome you here, to this place, with open arms, in the comfort of those who have been here and hope that somehow you find comfort here, where we cry together, hold tight to each other, and know that our hearts can somehow try to heal together.

my son, OMG, i am finding this so difficult, as this will be the first time i have written these words, even on this site...or even in my journal....this is the first time i have said this outloud....but here goes...with tears streaming down my face and sobs coming from my mouth....my son, 32 years old, sat on the beach, his most favorite place in the whole world, and put a 45 in his mouth and shot himself on a friday afternoon, 2 days after his 32nd birthday, january 21, 2011. and that was it. we knew he was a little 'down' off and on in the last 6 months or so of his life, but he was always smiling and worked hard at his OT job....it had not been that long since he had earned his doctorate in OT....what he felt on the inside did not show on the outside. he hid it well. this was a total shock to everyone. i am so burdened with guilt i can't even focus on the grief. i know i saw something, but i didn't do anything about it. i did not save my son, i failed my son. i should have, could have, but didn't. what kind of mother doesn't see or do something? this is my burden to carry. and it eats away at me day after day after day. i know that i am stifled in a place that i cannot get out of because of this guilt. i know this because of counseling and i have to find a way out. but i don't know how to get the guilt to leave me. FRIDAYs suck....each and every one of them. i can't leave the house on friday or do anything on a friday.

this FRIDAY will be exactly 9 months. ouch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 9 months. 39 weeks......i never stop thinking of him......no matter where i am, no matter what i am doing, no matter who i am with.....nathan, nathan, nathan....always on the forefront of my mind....and especially my broken heart. my life feels shattered.

my hubby and i just spent 5 days with my brother and SIL and it was a good and peaceful time.....away from 'things'. it was nice. i felt comfortable there.....she had planted a flower garden and calls it her 'nathan bed'.....how sweet....she has seedlings in there that will soon grow to be beautiful.....she has the green thumb that i don't....on the friday that we were there....they let me have my space to do what i needed to do.....they understand as my SIL had a nephew who took his life 4 years ago.....they know that kind of grief and the time i needed to be alone.....i felt safe.

i did work a couple of days in the office before we left and that was just 'ok'....the first day was not too bad, as i worked in a back room and had little contact with patients. i was able to leave early and even though i feel like i don't belong, and i shouldn't be there, it was ok. the second day did not go well....this is another one for the "BOOK"....one lady who is a nurse....said to me, 'i'm sorry about your son, that must be disasterous'.....are you sh-----g me? who would say something like that......? who in their right mind would say THAT? REALLY? SERIOUSLY? so, add that to the book.....there must be hundreds by now.

i am sorry that grave sites get robbed of precious things and loving work, and ugly, scary things are written on sites that only mean love to us, that people say the stupidest things, that people don't understand our grief, that we feel so alone in our homes, that we are challenged every day just walking out the front door. i am sorry that our religion is questioned....i know mine is definitely changed by this. i will never figure out why god didn't help nathan, instead of letting him do this. if he was this sick, why did god not step in and help him get well. this i will never understand. honestly, i prayed for months for god to help him, even when i didn't really know what was going on with him, but i got no answer, then this happened. so THIS was an answer....no, sir.....i can't accept this. i am struggling everyday with the loss of my child, and then i have to struggle with god, as well. i am so lost and disappointed and sad and hurt and my heart/soul/head/body are all at war and no one is winning.

i am in awe of those who know who they are and where they are.....i want to be there, i want to know what i am supposed to do, but i can't....i just can't......

i am just a grieving mother who can't find her way.......

i am sorry to the newbies, i am not much help here today.....i am not having a good day.....

i feel such guilt that i can't be a good wife, mother, grandmother, nurse and that just adds to the guilt i already harbor.....so this is my new life, huh? sounds good.

thanks for letting me sound off this morning......diane

[Guest msnher]

I wouldn't wish this journey on my worst enemy. I am so sorry any of you have reason to be here. Diane, I owe you the biggest apology. I thought I had a psychic gift. I thought I saw your son hanging himself and I told you he didn't mean to do it. I'm so sorry I intruded on something so personal. Because there were a few times I had visits that were validated as reality I became reckless and took for granted that I had a gift. I was so wrong. Another member corrected me immediately (with love), but I haven't had the guts to tell you how sorry I was for saying anything at all. I have since been much more careful. Thank you for sharing how Nathan died. I know how painful that is for you.

Susan, my Stephanie's throat was slit as soon as she hit the barbed wire fence, severing her coratid artery immediately. "Lights on. Lights off." the coroner told me...letting me know she didn't suffer. Yet, the cause of death was that she bled out. There wasn't a drop of blood left in her. "They" cleaned up the scene of the accident by spraying it down with water and burying her blood. The next day my son and I went to the scene and I dug in the ground until I found her still wet blood. I knelt there, my hands covered in my daughter's blood, rocking back and forth. Her blood was sacred to me. I could have gone the rest of my life without ever washing it off my hands, but her children were waiting for me at home so I had to clean myself. I happened to have a small christmas box in the car and I put some of the blood soaked dirt and grass in it and that box still sits in my nightstand...two years later. I'm also glad you're not buying into your daughter's visit as demonic. I was taught that, too. However, I've had too many experiences to believe those visits to be anything but a gift of grace and mercy. Off the top of my head I can't remember exactly who visited Jesus on the mount...Elijah, Moses and one other I think. They ministered to him and gave him more strength. If it happened to Him, it can happen to us. He said so Himself.

Many spiritual signs and manifestations occured after my Stephanie died, but a few tangible ones happened, too. The most amazing was that a few days after she died...around midnight...my surviving children and I were sitting under the redneck patio, smoking. The redneck patio was a garage that we took down three sides, leaving one side and the roof. I was sitting in a highback lawn chair. A wild bird flew under the roof of the patio and inbetween my neck and the chair to land on the opposite shoulder. Midnight. Wild bird. Same shoulder that my hand was holding the cig. My youngest daughter reminded me that Stephanie had told us if she died she would send birds. A few weeks later there was an incident with two owls. The owls pop up again now and again.

Those things meant little to me at first. None of them brought my dauaghter back. I wanted HER not some bird. Now, I find comfort in them.

I'm not doing spell check. Love you all. I only share those things to let you know you're pretty normal in this really abnormal situation.

[dwsmithrn]

sus..it's ok.....you couldn't know...it's ok.....i know you meant well....i know you only meant to ease my pain. i wanted to believe you anyway. i do know that the nathan i knew would not have done that. the nathan i knew was strong and healthy and independent. this was not my nathan. this was a very sick nathan. my nathan was not sick. i try to tell myself this everyday. it doesn't seem to sink in yet, but still i try. there happened to be a female methodist minister walking by at the time of the shot. i think he really planned it that way, that someone would find him. he had a hoodie on with his license in the pocket. not something he would usually do on the beach. she turned around, realized what had happened, prayed over him, called 911, which, my son lee and his police buddies and 911 were already trying to GPS his phone. (another story for another day). the coroner said it was instant, that he didn't even hear the shot. he hit the perfect spot as not to feel or hear anything. is that supposed to ease my mind? i don't know....still makes me sad that he wanted to end his life for reasons no one really knows. no note, no known reasons. just gone, just like that. my healthy, beautiful, caring, loving, helping, baby boy. gone. apparantly there was an issue with a depression/bipolar issue that was unknown to many of us. maybe it showed up a tiny bit off and on, but only in the last 6 months or so, but he hid it so well, no one was really that concerned. but, i should have seen it. we should have known something.....

i DO BELIEVE in our angels coming to see us...to make visits...and it is not satanic....it is from above. even if i am mad at god, i think he still tries to make me believe that nathan is good and safe and happy.....nathan came to me twice...once to hold my hand, and once to try to ease my migraine....and once i heard him walk up and down the hallway....squeaking the boards as he walked. and once, my grandson told his dad that 'there was a man in his room', and lee said, 'oh yeah? what was he doing?' and jayden said,' nofing, he's just smiling, it's uncle nafan'. and off he ran to play...as if it was nothing at all....he was 2 1/2 y/o....and he still doesn't know that nathan is gone. you have to believe that this is real. and i could tell you a couple of other stories, but just to let you know, i believe that our angels come to let us know they are ok so that we feel ok....oh, yes, i believe.

[dwsmithrn]

my heart is broken, but somehow, it keeps on beating.

[lolynbo]

WOW U GUYS ARE AMAZING ON HERE...SO GLAD WE HAVE EACH OTHER...

YEST ON FB I SENT A PM, TO A LADY WHO IS BURING HER 16 YR OLD DAUGHTER TOM, FOR 2 TYPES OF CANCER....I TOLD HER I UNDERSTAND...BECAUSE I FRIKN DO...WE LOST OUR CHILD THE SAME WAY THGH THEY ARE DIFF PPL....BUT THERE IS SADLY A 16 YR OLD BOY BEING BURIED TODAY HE WAS SHOT BY HIS BFF....I DONT NO HOW HIS PARENTS FEEL...THE LOSS IS DIFF....

THGH I MAY NEVER HEAR FROM THAT PARENT, THAT I PMD...SHE NOZ IM HERE AND SOMEONE CARES...RIGHT NOW IM SURE IT JUST SOUNDS BLAH BLAH BLAH TO HER....

ANOTHER RUFF NIGHT WITH KODY LAST NIGHT, HE FOUND A LOVE NOTE THAT TORE HIM UP, SEEMS MONTY IS LOSING PATIENCE WITH HIM...BUT I WILL TAKE MONTY DOWN A NOTCH IF HE THINKS HES GOING TO SAY ONE WORD NEG TO MY BOY, KODYS HEART IS BROKE, IF HE NEED TO TALK IM HERE AT ANY TIME OF NIGHT AND DAY....

[dwsmithrn]

lorri....i do so worry about kody.....i can't say now, but i have my reasons...please give him a big hug and keep a watchful eye on him.....i just want to wrap him up in a warm blankie and rock him to sleep.....i know that sounds crazy, but that is what i am....a crazy grieving mother. just watch him....

[dwsmithrn]

there was a young man that was murdered in his vehicle here a few weeks ago, maybe three weeks, and there haven't been any reports in the paper about it....it seems to be kind of hush, hush lately. i do not know this family, but my kids knew this young man....seems my kids' friend dated him last summer....she was one of nathan's very good friends. she actually was my daughter's best friend in high school.....anyway, i bought a sympathy card to send to the parents and haven't yet sent it. i want to write something in it to let them know i am available, to talk to, to cry with, to do anything....but i am not sure how to word it....seeing how i am so raw myself....any suggestions? i know it would mean something for them to know that they are not alone in this great big world of grief of a lost child...cause it sure seems like it at times. someone give me some direction, please......thanks......diane

[lolynbo]

OH DIANE I AM....IM WORRIED TOO, HE HAS WOKE US UP ALMOST EVERYNIGHT SINCE THE BREAK UP...BUT HIM AND I TALK AND HE SAYS ITS A LIL BETTER EVERYDAY...ITS JUST THE NIGHTS THAT ARE RUFF.....GOD I HOPE HE GETS A JOB SOON...KEEP HIS MIND BIZZY.....AND SO HE CAN MEET OTHER PPL...

HES REALLY LOOKN FORWARD TO TALLEDEGA THIS WEEKEND....AND TEXAS N FEW WEEKS.....

I UNDERSTAND YOU CANT TALK ABOUT SOME THINGS YET OR EVER BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR CONCERN...I PINKIE PROMISE IM WATCHING HIM...AND HUGGN HIM...JUST FOR U

[lolynbo]

THE TSHIRT

[dwsmithrn]

awesome t-shirt....love it....

[briansdad]

Hi All,

I've been away a while. A great person I worked with who was let go about a month ago took her life last week. Really tough for me because she was one of the sweetest people I have ever known. Her Dad and kids all entered cars in Brian's Memorial car show.

She was only 48. Just a shame.

Greg

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi All,

I've been away a while. A great person I worked with who was let go about a month ago took her life last week. Really tough for me because she was one of the sweetest people I have ever known. Her Dad and kids all entered cars in Brian's Memorial car show.

She was only 48. Just a shame.

Greg

Hi Greg,

I am so sorry to read about your co-worker. Such a sad loss. The economy taking a downturn has impacted so many lives. Thinking of all of you.

Kate

[Guest msnher]

Diane, I haven't been able to reach out to people I don't know, yet...except for those on this site, but my sister (who lost a husband and two year old to a drowning accident and then her 18yr old son took his own life) sends people she doesn't know a card with a copy of her son's obituary in it. She signs it with her name and "I know" and her phone number. Some people actually call her. Some don't. I received some cards like that when Steph died. I never called them but the cards meant the world to me.

Greg, I'm so sorry!

[daveydow1]

Lor----Sorry.....I'm no help on the app thing for BI. (I don't have an iPhone...

only a very basic cell)

[lolynbo]

MAYBE THE ADMINISTRATOR WILL SEE IT AND TELL ME..THE APP...

[dwsmithrn]

thanks sus....that sounds like a good idea....whether or not she calls will be up to her, but that pretty much says it all, doesn't it? as, we do know.....

good night to all.....hope your angels make a visit.

greg, i am sorry about your co-worker.....when, oh, when does it all end....this pain, this grief, the turmoil families go through....standing in the middle of the road and screaming at the top of my lungs did not end it, did it? no one is listening to me....i'm only one small voice....

i keep you all in my thoughts, trust me, i do....and when i hear of another family, i say, 'oh, no , someone else feels like i do...how can this be?'......

night night all.....diane

[ericasmom]

BUSY days, conference times so I am meeting with parents after school and before school and feeling a bit tired. Many kids went home sick from the school and quite a few teachers as well. Icky stuff.

Sherry, you and I are cut from the same cloth, I too have a basic cell, want nothing to do with I-phones or smart phones as I am dumb as a doornail when it comes to technology and have little interest in having more than I need. I know it is part of life, but it is not part of mine. I don't do facebook either, just don't have enough hours in the day to tend to all that there is and I know I would get addicted to FB if I learned how to operate it. So no, basics are enough for me. Lor, why not ask the moderator? And Lor, I was wondering about Kody too, is there something he can be doing to fill some of his hours? Is there some project he can help out with in town or in the local schools? Is there any interest in community college classes just to give him something to think and work towards? I will say extra prayers for Kody to find something new to be excited about.

Diane, I think letting a family know that you are there for them when and if they ever want or need to talk is a gift to be sure. I left my name and email on an online site to a Michigan funeral home. The young lady was killed in Chicago, lived here too, and her parents live in Michigan, and I told them that my Girl died in MIchigan but we live in the Chicago area. I told them that if ever they would like to share their burden that there are others that get it. Me for one and left them my contact numbers but also named our site here. The Mom wrote me about a month later and thanked me for leaving the info. She was so new to the loss but who knows? She may join us too.

Greg, my heart aches for the Woman's family and for you, her friend -to have to grieve the loss of this good person. I am sorry that she felt so distraught.

Shan's Mom, I am glad taht you are able to take comfort in knowing that your Daughter did not go through any panic or fear and that she was unaware of the accident. Blessings.

[ericasmom]

LOR, I LOVE THE SHIRT. I LOVE IT!

[aim630]

Diane & Lorri- I think it is great that you are reaching out to other grieving parents. They may not call you, but I'm sure they will appreciate the thought. I received some cards also after Ashley died. Although I did not contact them, it meant a lot to me. I have not been able to reach out to others. I break down when I have to confront someone else's grief ove losing a child. I hate myself for being so weak.

Lorri-Love the Tshirt, I will definitely order one. I found out my friend from high school died of brain cancer. Too many lives are cut short way too early. I didn't know there was a BI app, but if I find it, I'll let you know. I use my iPad more than my old computer. I still have not figured out how to highlight words to add color on this iPad.

Greg- I am sorry to hear about your co-worker. Prayers to the family.

Katie's friend and former teammate killed herself in May of this year. She was only 15. Her brother, who is a senior this year was on the Cleveland news this morning, because he and his family want to raise awareness and help prevent suicide. They are participating in a walk in Cleveland this weekend. It felt good to donate a little to help them towards their goal.

Diane-I know it was difficult for you to share Nathan's story. Aubrey's brother said on the news that Aubrey was such a funny, smart, athletic girl. No one had any idea she was so sad inside.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[summergirl]

Such saddness here tonight it breaks my heart. Greg, I am so sorry about your friend.

I do know the pain never ends but it does become softer with time, lots of time....I know the "guilt" can paralyze us to the point of not being able to do anything even though we know deep in our hearts that there is and was nothing we could do to change the outcome.....we are supposed to protect them always and we go along each day believing that we are doing a great job and then in one second it is changed forever, never to be the same again. I held onto guilt for a long time but the day came that I realized there was nothing I could have done, my daughter, my beautiful girl, my best friend died from a heart attack at 26 years old and I do not know why but I do know that I could not have prevented it. I asked myself a million times "how could you not have known something was wrong, what kind of mother are you???" - well, I am just like any other mother.....never believing that I would ever bury my child......I am not as good with words as many here but I do want you to know that the day will come when the pain will ease and you will find a memory that will make you smile instead of crying.......

Need to get Tavian to bed....love and strength to all, Kathy

[lolynbo]

SURELY HE WILL FIND A JOB SOON, HES PUT IN SEVERAL APPS.....YES HE CLD HELP AT KOURTNEYS KLOSET...TOM HES PUTTING IN 2 MORE APPS....I GUESS HE WILL GET ONE IN GODS TIME...AS I SAID WE LEAVE FRI FOR TALLEDEGA..

THANK YOU ALL FOR WORRING ABOUT KODY...JUST PRAY EXTRA LIL PRAYER FOR HIM...ITS THE NIGHTS THAT R SO RUFF ON HIM, HE DONT DRIVE HIS TRUCK ANYMORE IT NEEDS RADIATOR, AND HE DONT JUST TAKE OUR CARS WITH OUT ASKING...SO IM NOT WORRIED ABOUT WRECKLESS DRIVING OR ANYTHING...KODY AND I CAN PRETTY MUCH TALK ABOUT ANYTHING...AS WELL AS DAD AND KODY...SO SEEMS LIKE WERE GOOD THERE BUT YES I HAVE MY 3RD EYE OUT

THANKS FOR THE REPLY ON THE SHIRTS,,,,I FEEL IT CLD BE BIG IDK

[Guest msnher]

I wish there was a like button at the bottom of the posts so I could voice my agreement, or similar thoughts, or understanding with just a "like" so you would all know I read your posts and "get it".

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

Noises periodically woke me up last night. I couldn't quite identify the noise. Sometimes it sounded like footsteps and sometimes like thumps. I thought I was really going to get a visit. A haunting? Really? I have a sarcastic arrogance about me. So, I rose and checked on everyone making sure they were still asleep. I sat and waited for the ghost to appear. And, then it happened by my left side. It was so loud I almost jumped out of my skin. My ghost is the icemaker. It might be time for a new fridge.

[ericasmom]

Ice maker cometh...