Loss of an Adult Child

[sadmomm]

Hello indigos

making the trip to md tomorrow

from ky

ky sucks when your life was somewhere else.

dumb idea to move here.

internet can have its share of sucks.

do you guys kind of regret a lot of your life? I sure do. especially my relationship which was 20 years. sex means nothing when it destroys time with your kids.

am really in a funk don't expect it to dissapear. well how could it. when my baby is gone at 24 .... why so young..?? never to understand. the other two are doing good. i am glad. i am not. but i want to make memories for the rest of our lives. who cares about dishes anymore. what the f.. just make the memories. with the rest. so when we die. we know... we did it..

the holidays... welll ... i don't really think about them. got with a fellow who is about $$ what do $$ mean nothing without our precious children.

I say i wish he had died before i moved. i really wish. sickness... we need to focus on our living people. they are our lives our happiness. we will all be ok. love to all of you carrie

[ericasmom]

Trudi, the softened edge of your ache is making me smile and cry, I am happy to read your words because you know my saying this has nothing to do with 'being over it' we all know that there is no being over it, how could there be? But to hear you say that you shut your eyes and think of him and relish your memories is a long road home from where you were. I am there too, in that place where tears fall ...sometimes daily, sometimes when I least expect them, but that I smile often thinking of Eri and who she was and is to me and always will be to me. Trud, love that you took the stereo to the shop. Mike must be grinning.

Rhonda, your style of writing always makes me laugh out loud, love it though not laughing at your worry as to where the 50.00 with MOM on it went, but to say that it is not really strange because you are insane...laughed out loud. We are all insane at times, sometimes more than others. The tangible items that are what we have left are quite important to us. Each day I sweep my eyelid with the brush Eri used for shadow when she put makeup on. I don't even dip it into color very often but it touched her eyelids, so it touches mine. Tangible, I can hold these things in my hands and know that they were once in her hands. Her large hands.

Diane, maybe take off until Mom comes in and do a group gathering that day, the day after the actual. Nobody will have the exact answer for you but know that if you change it up, it is okay. The kids will have a joyous celebration because they are kids, and you can be quiet somewhere else on that day if you like. Hard call I know, but I bet you are right, Nathan would really get it.

[dwsmithrn]

good night indigos....hope you sleep well and hope we all get to dream of our angels....i ask and i hope and i plead, but i don't....not yet, anyway. i want to see nathan or feel him one more time....how many times can i ask for 'one more time'? i wonder. night....diane

[ericasmom]

Carrie, good luck on that trip, and may you feel the presence of your Baby with you as you travel. Try not to beat yourself up about things we can not change, your Boy loves you for all of time, he would want you to find some happiness in this lifetime, and I know that that sometimes seems impossible, but I swear it won't always be this sharp edged.

[dwsmithrn]

dee....i really like that idea....i like it.....thanks....diane

[sadmomm]

Hey guys. I am so sorry I said something in my post i did not mean literally I meant i wish i hadn't moved so he wouldn't have died. Yes he will be on my trip tomorrow and every trip i make for the rest of my life he had such an invincible personality a philosopher against the norm. a lover of nature and of life. love to all of you my tears thoughts and prayers and love to all of us on this journey we thought we would never take. i never thought of him as gone. love carrie

[aim630]

Betsy-Hope you continue to feel better. Loved the pictures, especially the one of Rich!

Rhonda-I hope you come across the $50. Sometimes we find things when we least expect it, in a place we couldn't have possibly believed it would be. I'm glad you got to see 12 yr old Westley in your dreams last night.

Katie is doing ok at college, but I am worried that her best friend (since kindergarten) is not adjusting well (they are at the same college) and it's affecting Katie. Last night Katie tweeted that her life was really bad right now, and she wishes she could just hibernate till it got better. Katie has joined a Christian group, and is making some new friends, but Jenna won't do anything with anyone except Katie, and stays in her room a lot, so Katie doesn't want to leave her. I know this is really a stupid problem, but I feel Katie's had it rough, so now I just want her to be happy. We'll see. She won't really talk to me about it.

Carol-Sorry your Red Sox collapsed at the end. Katie and I went to 4 games in 3 days, the last home stand of the year (double-header one day), and the Indians won all 4 games (then promptly lost the next 4 in a row!) Well, as we ALWAYS say, just wait until next year!

Lorri-I feel the same about this part of the year. Ashley got sick the last week of September, then all went horribly downhill after that. Not looking forward to the holidays either...

Last weekend was parents weekend at OU. We went to the Second City travelling comedy show. It was hilarious..I had tears running down my face from laughing so hard, then felt guilty for having such a good time.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi: "Losing our kids annihilates our senses, shatters our well being and challenges us in ways we never imagined we could endure. I guess it goes to our need to know they existed, that we didn't dream that, we need proof be it a $50 note with their writing, a voice mail, a T-Shirt whatever, it means a lifeline from them to us." This says so much to all we say, think and do, and those things that we do have, if and when we do let go of them, it has to be on our terms, on our timetable, and only then. I love the story of the stereo...letting go of it was done at the right time for you, (and yes, I do believe that Mike led you there) and you will always hold the memory of it, as well as the memory of giving it over to someone else to benefit from. And, yes, the cards, the words, the "creations" all will have to be with us always. They are a part of them, and a part of us, forever. I am so glad that the sun is shining on you, warming you in the new season. We are having a few last days of "Indian Summer" here, where the temp will rise into the 80's by the weekend, though tonight is expected to be in the 30's....LAST NIGHT THERE WAS FROST ON THE PUMPKIN! Well, not on the "pumpkin," cause we don't have any yet, but on the truck... Oh, and thanks for sharing the beautiful pics...it looks like a wonderful place to be.

Susannah! Really?!?!? 80's and then SNOW?!?! WOW! I thought New England was bad for sudden changes! Please give Jasmine a huge hug from me, and tell her that all of us here love her to pieces and hope she has a wonderful birthday.

Amy: I am so glad that you and Katie got to share those last games...Mike's friend Denis and I went to a double header that last week, and then Cathi, her son and one of Mike's sons went to a game that Friday night, and then Cathi and I went to the last home game (which they lost to the last place team!) the following Wednesday. Fun, but disappointing at the end...many memories though over the summer to carry us through. I am so very sorry that Katie is having these problems at school...I know that your heart aches and you wish you could send a "fix it" straight to her. And, I don't think it is a "stupid" problem...it hurts you to see her hurt, and when that happens, any problem causing it is huge! Prayers for you and for Katie...and her friend.

Carrie: Hugs and strength to you, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this...I am glad, though that you have come to BI...comfort is here for the taking...but I think you already know that. The "moving before he died"...always we have thoughts of what we should have done, what we didn't do, etc., always, but they do soften over time, and the laughing out loud and then feeling guilty about it that Amy wrote about...oh, that will come too, and we will all help each other when these times come. Mike also "had such an invincible personality a philosopher against the norm. a lover of nature and of life"...many, if not all of us here, have said much the same about our child...and that it almost seems as if they knew, and that is why they lived their life the way they did.

Rhonda: I am so sorry about losing the $50 bill with your precious son's evidence of his caring about you, evidence of his love for you and thus his responsibilities to you, his mom, paying back a loan... I know the frantic search, the heart-stopping thoughts of never seeing it again...the inability to stop thinking about it. During the early months of Mike's illness, he returned to his faith, a huge gift for us to witness, and he started wearing once again the plain, silver cross that we had given him at his Confirmation at 15 y/o. Mike's faith was a huge part of his growing up and when he left it, of course we were so very saddened. When he returned to it, we rejoiced. When he renewed his baptism, he came home and removed the cross from the wooden cross near our front door, where he hung it the last time he took it off, over 10 years before. It had remained there all that time. After a few months of his wearing it, he had to do another round of radiation treatment. He somehow lost the cross. He put it "somewhere," with the plan to have it fixed when he was done with the radiation. I think he even told me where he had put it. A friend gave him a dog tag with a prayer on it, for him to wear, and the cross was temporarily forgotten about. But we tore the house up after he died, looking for it. Sarah (his wife) tore up their apartment...it hurt so bad that we couldn't find it. We never have. But we have pics of him wth it on, and for now that will have to do. I so hope that you do find Westley's $50 bill, and if not, then I hope you are able to be comforted by the thought of it and the memories that were created because of it's existence. I loved your words about "looking for the magical thing" that will change it all, and knowing that there is no magical thing, but knowing that doesn't stop us, does it? Also, your words about the essay that Westley wrote in which he said he wanted to grow up to be like his father. Has your husband ever seen it at all? (I am not sure, but I think that your husband is Westley's birth father--if not then my question would not apply). Please don't get me wrong, we all have our own good reasons for doing what we do or don't do, but when I read that about Westley's dad not having seen the letter, my first inner question was to ask if he's ever seen it since it was written. It is none of my business, absolutely, but I just wondered why you hadn't shown it to him. If you don't want to answer that question, I totally, totally understand, and please forgive me for being so intrusive as to ask it. I tend to "look" for a lot of things around me, some things that may or may not be a sign from Mike, but if I think it is, then my heart is comforted. I would have taken your dream as a sign from Westley that since he was 12 when he wrote it and you dreamed about him now at 12, perhaps he wants you to give it to his dad? (That is, like I said, if your hubby is Westley's birth dad, which I seem to remember but may be mistaken.) Oh, I so hope I haven't written words that will upset you, but I just feel so strongly about this, that I had to ask. Sending you love and strength. I hope I don't regret leaving this part of my post as is.

Betsy: I thank you also for the tip on being able to look at pics that post large and right clicking on them to make them more "viewable." A huge help, really. I too loved the pics you posted, especially the stone house. I also would love to live there...knowing that hands from a time long gone had placed those bricks, one by one, lovingly likely, and with a sense of pride. We used to live in an old farmhouse type of home in Texas, and I loved living there, knowing that the home had been built with so much love (the landlord had built it himself with the help of his wife and young sons many years before) and care, held so many memories, and I had the privilege of being allowed to dwell there with my family. I hope you don't mind, but I think I might print your pic and frame it.

Diane: I don't know if this will even help, but it is just a suggestion...when my mind is overloaded with thoughts that I can't seem to tame, I try to sit down and write some of them down, not even in order maybe, but just randomly. Perhaps it might help if you could write some of the things down that you have spoken of about Christmas...i.e., that your mom will be here the day after and that will help, that you may want to go to a hotel for a couple of days, etc. Just random and then maybe when you are being wracked by these thoughts, you could refer to your written thoughts and looking at them in writing may just click with you and you may say "Oh, no, I don't want to do that," or "oh, yes, that would be a good thing to do." Dee is the writing guru here, and maybe she could contribute a thought or two about the process. It may not help at all and you may think I am spouting ideas that are going to do nothing to help, and that's okay...I understand, but I do hope you will give it some thought when you are calmer. I know that putting it into words may seem scarey to you right now, so I guess you have to decide what would be good for YOU. That also goes for whatever you decide to do over these holidays coming up...you have to do whatever is going to help YOU, and others will understand, either now or eventually.,,or not, that is up to them and you can't take that responsibility for their reactions into your heart.

Oh wow, I seem to be full of suggestions tonight...if I sound overbearing, please my friends, bear with me. Tomorrow is the first day of the last week that Mike was here with us, physically, and I thought I had it under control, but have, over the course of the day, become an emotional heap. Some huge things happened over the course of the day today (at least huge to us) that have rattled me somewhat, (good things), and I will share them later tonight, as of course, sharing those good things helps us to increase their impact to our heart and soul.

Colleen: Taking down the swing set...yes, another in the steps of going through the years, and doing things that bring back so many memories. By the way, Ralph and I, being retired, have taken advantage now and again of staying in our pj's all day sometimes...most times now it is just for the sheer luxury of "we can," but in the beginning, (and still now some times)before we returned to work after Mike died, it was from the sheer pain that prevented us from being in anything else. I am glad that you get your "lounge-lizard Sunday," though. Enjoy....I know you enough to know that you very much deserve them...and, it's good practice for when you do retire!

Lorri: good luck with your CF meeting tonight. Yes, I agree, the woman who so sadly lost her child that you spoke of needs to come to the meeting when she feels she is ready...you are wise to recognize that, but I am so sorry that you have that wisdom on that subject. How is Kody doing? Did he get a job? My thoughts are with you these days as you face so many "this day was" thoughts about Kourtney's last months....walking with you each step of the way.

Dee: Love that you were able to have a beautiful walk this morning. We had our first frost this morning...but it is supposed to climb to the 80's this weekend...am looking forward to that for sure...Indian summer, yay! Fall is so beautiful and breathtaking in its own way, so different from summer, it reaches out in its own way and gives our eyes new treasures. I read something this morning in my prayer book about how the sun of autumn is "unique, brilliant, but distant." It "still reaches us, but bids us farewell and does so in a magnificent way...it comes for just a brief time and then leaves us with the wonder of the memory." "Wishing the season were longer, we come to realize that it's brevity contributes to its charm (last part paraphrased)." Jon and Shannon get married next month, don't they? I hope that some of the brilliance of the season remains for their backdrop, but if not, then "with the fallen leaves, vistas will open up once again and they will see more of the beyond, and in the heavens on a clear night, the stars will stretch out before them" just as their life together stretches out before them. (that last quoted bit is also paraphrased from my prayer book.) (The authors of the quotes are Christine Dallman and Margaret Anne Huffman.)

Got to go and catch the last of the play off between the Tigers and the Yankees...we are rooting for the Tigers to win and go on to the series...the beginning of the game looked very promising and they (the Tigers) are still ahead but it is SO close! I will come back later to share our events of this emotional day.

love to you all

[ericasmom]

Carol, you pushy? Not ever ever. The word cannot even sit comfortably in a sentence with your name.

Diane, I am glad that some ideas are feeling do-able to you. I think the hardest piece of moving a tiny bit forward sometimes, is that sense of who am I disappointing? At some point however, we need to absolutely take really good care of us, and sometimes that means leaving the area for a time.

My Son called me at nearly 10:00 which automatically meant something was wrong. He was crying. His Grandmom Betty died tonight, she was in her 90's but hey, she died and it hurts. He was supposed to leave this weekend for a trip with his buddies to Florida for fishing and visiting friends down there and it was what his bachelor party was, a fishing party. Now who knows? And all of his cousins on that side of the family are in Boston and one in Costa Rica and nobody can afford to fly in now for a funeral and again when Jonathan and Shan get married next month. I am a bit jangled by it. I hope that Jon will be okay, he tends to feel guilty for alll the should haves and could haves, like us in many ways.

I tip my hat and send kisses to Betty, she now has joined her own Son Mike, her Grandgirl, Eri, and her beloved Husband, Max.

[mikesmomrs]

Dee: thank you. I have to head out for a blood test and then we have to go to register the car, be gone for some time, but wanted to reply to your post...I am so very sorry that Jon has to experience yet another loss of someone he held so dear. I know that you and John will do your very best to comfort him and be there for him, and I pray strength for all of you to be able to do this...though, of course, we don't have any choice in these matters, as we all know. It is so sad that his dear grandmom's death had to come so close to the time of his wedding. I do pray that he is able to realize that likely his grandmother, had she been able to tell him, would have said for him to not change any of his plans, as she would want him to continue in his path of joy....including of course, his fishing trip with his buddies. A tough decision for him, of course, and one he will likely not be able to make. Of course, telling Jon now of his grandmom's desires for his joy would not likely make any impact on his sadness any time soon. I am so sorry for the conflict of his friends coming in for the wedding and now having to decide to come and help him through the beginnings of this loss. Lord, bless this family, hold each them close to your heart, give them each the strength they will need to comfort one another, and to move through these next days, weeks, and learn to smile again, and carry this beautiful woman's love in their hearts, jogging their memory only with those sweet, joy-filled ones that keep ones heart beating. Comfort them with thoughts of love, and that their loved ones are joining together, experiencing joy unlike any to be found on this earth. Thank you for your blessings to all of us.

[Guest msnher]

Hi Everyone,

Today promises to be a windy, cold day. We have snow on the mountain and it could move down to our elevation (5000) by evening.

Jasmine loves her new kitten. She named him "Claws". I adopted him from the shelter. The shelter said he was 8 weeks old, but I doubt it. He also has some congestion and has been sneezing a lot. I'll call the vet today. As soon as I saw the connection between Jasmine and the cat I knew we had done the right thing. Shelby, our Golden Retriever, is disinterested in the kitten. At least she didn't try to eat it.

The school psychologist called yesterday. Jasmine tested far lower than the psychologist had anticipated. She needed permission to change the direction of the testing. Of course I said yes. She agreed with me that Jasmine seems to be at the same level as her 3yr old cousin. Jasmine is 9.

Today is going to be an "On the couch" day. I don't think I'll even get dressed.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[rlolheiser]

I haven't been here for awhile.. I did get in a few times and tried to keep up but it just seems so hard sometimes. I haven't been well in I don't know how long.. just sickly.. yet no breaks from the world.

I told myself I wouldn't complain.. but then I haven't got a lot to talk about. My house is full.. and emptying at the same time. My daughter invited strangers to live in my house.. and I couldn't turn them out.. then my daughter leaves again...she left JaBoa's sister with me, I guess that is a plus, I don't know. My grandson wants to go back home and I told him if he does he has to tough out the rest of the school year there, I can't do back and forth. and it is October... I hate October... JaBoa's mom always spirals out of control.. tempers are flaring with everybody... the pain is back at the surface after 5 years. Mom won't talk to me cause I wouldn't make a trip halfway to meet my daughter to pick up JaBoa's sister.... I can't do that ever again.. mom thinks I am a worthless grandma.. but she can't remember.. 5 years ago... I met them and lost my angel... I will never meet half way again.. I go all the way or I won't go... I am just tired out.. I know that.. but I don't know how to untire.. I asked mom if I die before she does where would she like to go and she told me a home... its good cause nobody will take her but me..

sorry.. first day back on...and I complain...

I am so sorry I missed so many angel dates.. so many birthdays.. this computer isn't kind to me, I think my daughter did something to it as it locks up every time I turn around.. and the slowness makes so I can't get on. no time to be slow...

I do think about you all, I still feel the pain and the joys.. and am still so glad this place is open to everybody.. I have seen people come here and be helped.. you have helped me.. even when you don't know it.. I am so sorry we need a place like this.. so sorry that we can't find the companionship like this in real time..

I did get smart however.. wrote this before I got online...

hugs to all

[dwsmithrn]

hi friends....caring friends.....i had a rather rocky start to my uuhhhggg, 'friday'....so i did manage to get up, get dressed and go out to run a couple of errands. i don't remember going or doing or coming home....now, that's scary? is it not? wow.... but, i am home, safe and sound, let's just hope that the rest of the people on the road with me are home safe and sound....whoa, how dangerous am i? when i got home, i picked up my beautiful box (nathan's ashes) and rocked and rocked and cried and cried....i just want him to come to me...i want him to talk to me, to touch me, maybe just to show himself to me. it is amazing how i can miss my child more than life itself....this hurts more than anything i have ever experienced in my lifetime...ever....it really, really sucks. i hate it.

i know you all know exactly what i mean, too.

i really thank you all for the suggestions and thoughts on the holidays....i have given myself a migraine with the constant thinking and worrying. i have yet to decide or even mention any of it to the kids. i am hoping they might find something else to do, maybe with their in-laws or something....i think i would breathe a huge sigh of relief if that were to happen. then, i could leave here guilt free. finally, one thing i would not have to feel guilty for....now that would be a switch.

i am exhausted....just tired.....i kept my infant grandson yesterday....he is just precious.....but he wasn't feeling well....slight cold, but ok....he didn't sleep well and i held him alot....i was glad to have him, just wore me out....tomorrow night we have both kids...5 y/o and the baby for the night....fortunately, avery is a very well-behaved little girl....cute and funny....great sense of humor for a little girl....and baby vance goes to bed early, so it will be fine. i can do it, just will be tired for a bit. it will be fine.

i think monday and tuesday i am going to the office to answer the phone for a little while. this is the first time i will be in the office actually 'working'. i am so nervous about going in....the receptionist is going on vacation all week and i said i would help out...what was i thinking? then on wednesday, we are going to arkansas to see my brother and sister-in-law....the only 2 people in my whole family who DO understand....my SIL lost her nephew to suicide 5 years ago, so she is still going through this with her brother.....i have talked to him through e-mail many times and he has helped talk me through some things, as well. he lives in zimbabwe......it has been very tough for him, too......of course....!

thanks every one, for being you, and for helping me.....love to all, diane

(sorry i babble on lately)

[Guest msnher]

Conversation with Gary today:

Me: "Honey can you believe we will have only been married 5 years this December? It feels like we've been together forever (in a good way)."

Hubby: "Well, we've been through a lifetime of stuff in our time together."

Me: "I was just thinking today how you taught me the meaning of unconditional love, loyalty, compassion and true Christianity. I didn't know what those things truly meant before you."

Hubby: "Well, thank YOU for giving me the opportunity to show you."

Me: "Well, you're NOT welcome! I had to go through hell for you to show me!"

I hope that made you all smile just a little. It made Gary and me laugh. For you newbies, my daughter dying was the most painful thing we went through, but not the worst. The worst was when the grandkids were stolen and we didn't know where they were for over a year. The state returned them to us a year later when they were removed from their father and his girlfriend's house due to severe abuse. The girlfriend is now in prison and dad lost all his rights. During that time my mother and sister died....then fighting for the kids and then Steph's death...and continuing to fight for the kids. It was a hell of a three years. We were still newlyweds when all this began. Gary pointed out that we did have the advantage of knowing each other quite well before we ever began dating (11yrs well). My husband is the best!

[ericasmom]

Happy belated birthday to Jasmine Sus, a kitty for her day is a special birthday. I hope Kitty is fine.I am glad that the testing showed the level that Jasmine is so that the appropriate tools can be used to teach and assist. Give her a hug. I like the name Claws.

Leah, your life gets crowded and I wish so that you could have some space, some quiet, some peace. Hang in there Sweetie, and let your Daughter know that you cannot tak ein strangers from now on. Goodness knows you have enough going on.

Carol, thanks for the prayers, thanks for the love, he came here today and spent time with the kids and felt lighter upon leaving. Kids are the healers. Let us know when you are going out of town.

[lolynbo]

KODYS OK...BROOKES STILL PLAYN GAMES WITH HIM AND HIM HER....CAME HOME LAST NIGHT TO HIM HE HAD CALLED ME CRYING THEN HIS PHONE WENT DEAD.....TREID TO CALL NA....SO WHEN WE GET HOME HIS NEW 400$ PHONE IS IN 2 PCS...NO WONDER HE DIDNT ANSWER.....I TOLD HIM LAST NIGHT TO JUST LEAVE HER THE HELL ALONE AND JUST BE DONE WITH HER....SO TODAY HES DONE WELL...(WITH DADS EXTRA BLACKBERRY)....

THANKS FOR ASKING ABOUT HIM....MY POOR BB BOY

[Guest msnher]

Dee, I'm so sorry for another loss in your lives. Prayers for Jon.

Carol, If memory serves me right, the weather was as inconsistent in N.H. as it is in WY. Sunny one day, snowing the next. Loved New Hampshire. Loved the people more. You are not pushy, you are nurturing! I'm glad you are changing the combo on your door. Gary and I did that when we got married. His way of handling it was to just change the locks and not say anything. My way is to over explain. Neither way works very well.

Diane, you know, I think my surviving kids came over on Christmas and Thanksgiving to show their support for me. They knew it would be a hard day so they stayed with me. It was our saddest holidays ever.

Amy, I'm glad you found some laughter. Your Katie has a special place in my heart, right there with all our surviving children. I hope her roommate snaps out of her lethargy for Katie's sake as well as her own.

Rhonda, I sure hope the $50.00 shows up. I know anything that Stephanie has touched holds special meaning to me, too.

Lorri, I'm so sorry Kody is going through such horrible heartache again.

I hope you all get a good night's rest or at least as best as possible.

[lolynbo]

SO U GO TO THE MAIL BOX TO GET THE BILLS AND JUNK MAIL...AND THERE IS A STACK OF PAPERS AKA KOURTNEYS MEDICAL RECORDS ANOTHER SET...SADLY WASNT EXPECTING THAT...

[mikesmomrs]

Sus: Gary and Ralph would get along famously! Ralph would also just change the lock, and I on the other hand am like you in that regard...I over explain! And yes, your memory serves you right about the weather here. Thank you for sharing your conversation with Gary...you are both blessed to have found each other!

I just sent Colleen a text to congratulate her on the Brewer's taking the game tonight in their final playoff game for the Division series with the D-backs...It is only the second time in franchise history that the Brewers have come this far, and they were playing the game at home field, so the place just exploded when they won! I know the feeling. Of course, I didn't personally have to wait 86 years for the Sox to win the series (Oh, wouldn't I look great if I was actually that old now!), but it was pretty exciting when they did win, especially because they did it before Mike died and he got to live through that excitement...he found out about his brain cancer the followign spring. So, Colleen, as I said in my text, I hope I was remembering correctly and that it was you who cheers for the Brewer's, and if I was wrong, well, I know that who ever it is, they are HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY tonight!

Lorri: I am so sorry that Kody is going through this...I remember my first serious break up and it was traumatizing...I was barely18 and thought I had found my future, and then it all fell apart and I thought I would never smile again. Oh, life does have a way of telling us how someone/something besides us in control, doesn't it. It was 1 1/2 years later that I met Ralph, and of course, the rest is history. And, of course, life also showed me that there are truly sadder, more heart-breaking events that can come into our life. But the heartbreak we feel at the time of its entrance into our lives is the one that hurts the most at that time, and I do know that Kody is going through some serious pain. I also am sorry for the unexpected receipt of another copy of Kourtney's medical records...such a hurtful thing to happen to an already very, very broken heart...love and prayers go out to you, sweetie.

Diane: So sorry that another Friday has blown you over again...I am glad that you had your infant grandson yesterday and I do hope that he was able to bring some sweet joy into your heart. Some of the days during our healing time are just days that take longer to soften for us, and the amount of time is different for everyone, and sometimes, just when we think we have it "down" and have started to see the softening of the impact, BOOM, it comes back and mows us down yet again. We are here for you, and sending strength and prayers to you, as always. I hope that the days next week that you are planning to work go well for you. Perhaps the need for you to be there will help you, but if it doesn't, just know that we understand and we are holding you close. (and "babbling" is not what you are doing...you are grieving...and we do understand that, so very much) I am so glad that you have your SIL to help support you, though saddened by the fact that she has such pain in her life. I hope that you are both able to bring some comfort and healing to each other while you are visiting. Perhaps you will be able to discuss the feelings (and thus soften some of the pain) churning through you over the upcoming holidays and January's being just around the corner from them. Safe travels, dear friend.

Leah: My thoughts are the same as Dee's, I wish so much that you had the opportunity to have some time to yourself to find some moments of peace. And, you are not "complaining," you are finding an outlet, and we are glad to be here for you.

Dee: I am glad that Jon was able to come to be with the kids...I know that being around happy children can help us to leave our pain for a bit...and hopefully, he was able to take that reprieve from his pain with him, at least for a while. Being with his wonderful mom likely helped quite a bit, too! I will be sure to let you all know when we leave on our trip...don't know how much access I will have to a computer while away, but will at least be able to check in on Ralph's android. For now, the anticipated departure date is the 17th of Oct, but that is subject to change. Prayers continue for Jon and all of you, as you walk through another space of time where your heart is aching for the sorrow you see your son experiencing.

Karen: Haven't heard from you in a bit...everything okay?

Trudi: I hope you are having a good time with the grandies...you are already half way through the weekend, where we are just at the beginning. Take care, and enjoy...thinking of you.

Bonnie: How did the weekend go? It was the 24th of Sept, wasn't it?

Well, I was out most of the day again, and didn't sleep at all last night, not one wink, so fell asleep when I got home today at 4:30 and didn't wake up til about an hour ago, so need to go and fix something to eat....yes, supper at 10 pm! I think the latest I've ever eaten supper was at midnight, once on a short mini-vacation where we got delayed (much) by a snowstorm and didn't get to the cabin til midnight! Luckily, I had prepared the meal before we left, so we just had to heat it up, and then slept for most of the next day! Mike was with us on that trip, and we had so much fun...he was so excited about eating supper at midnight! He was about 13-14 at the time. So, until I have supper again at midnight, I can always say "I've eaten later than this before" and assuage my conscience...

(at least tonight, Ralph has already eaten...he actually fixed something for himself while I was sleeping...progress, after only 47 years!)

love to you all...I still haven't posted about the day we had yesterday...will come back later, though it will be likely much later, after you've all retired for the night...have a good night everyone, and may your precious child surround you with their spirit as you rest.

[mikesmum]

Yes Carol, its late afternoon Saturday here. Its been hectic, can't seem to sit still. Walking more than ever with Sir MD who is sporting his new Spring cut.

Its true that we do come to a softer place, where the emotions aren't so raw, but they do still bubble up without warning. Today is an example of bubbling. Called in to see Steven and family dropping off some things I bought on sale for the 'men' of the house. Zak had been busy drawing. I heard him ask Steven if he should give the one he was holding to granma....all whispers. Steven told him it would be okay.

It was Zak's drawing of a painting Mike did 15yrs back from memory......someone squeezed my heart tight, my tears welled as I struggled to thank Zak so much for his gift.....He wasn't sure I would like it, moreso he was worried it would make me cry. Love that kid.

Dee - Hope Jon is doing okay. I know he has a strong support in you. It is a collision of emotions, grandma dying on the cusp of him starting his life as a married man....prayers he will be okay.

I have attached Zak's picture.....Steven believes Mike is around his family constantly, have to believe it.

[mysonrich]

Hi everyone, Like the Red Sox and the Yankees the Phillies preformed poorly against the Cardinals. 1-0. Great pitchers though and a good human interest story between the two. Best of luck St Louis.I made it through the week after a visit to the DR. Antibiotic, new BP med, allergy med. Blood work to follow. Still suffering a bit from the bug and the pain in my side/back. Thinking kidney and UTI. I'll know more Monday.

Leah, I can relate to a lot of what you are living however, your life is the extreme compared to things here. Responsibility to others or felt responsibility. I don't think people hear us most of the time. Last week at the height of my illness and getting to a understaffed work place , running to Dad's to make sure he has food. ( his sil was out of town) My aunt starts with her requests. Nothing urgent, banking. HELLO. Do you hear me? I'm going to bed for an hour. Hell-ooooo???

Susannah, good story.Both Gary and the kitten, Claws, cute.

Dee, so sorry to read of Betty’s death and the timing and impact it may have on Jon's wedding guest list, attendance. My uncle died May 2010. My mom 5 days later. I received phone calls from family that could not make it. Funerals and travel are expensive for all. Hard to make a choice between a wedding and funeral when wanting to show respect and honor loved one.

Rhonda, I hope you find the $50.00 too. Like others have said, stop looking and it will show itself. Karen, how are you?

Amy, maybe Katie's friend should visit college services , counseling. Katie may have to hold her hand and walk her over ,but it may help. Difficult adjustments while campus living. Sarah moved off campus when she was able. Dorms are far from quiet.

Carol, I feel the same way about old homes,buildings, stone walls,stone homes. As a child I lived in a very old farm house. My parents added a bathroom before we moved in and that was in the 70's. Guess the last owners used the outhouse. Hard to believe . It still stands. In the basement/cellar, the hued tree trunks, saw marks, some over 2 feet in height( or width) when placed as a wall. Carved into one the family name, Stout and the date which I forgot. Old name in this area. Hope you enjoy the pic. I have others versions. There was a large ditch along side the road so my angel was off. I didn't want to fall in.

one more thing; as far as being insane. If you feel like talking to your child out-loud, as I do in the car sometimes,don't worry how it appears to passing motorists. We are wearing our blue-tooth to heaven. Have to work with the insanity of this.

I love you Rich.

I have to get going so know that I am thinking of you all.

[ericasmom]

Betsy, glad that you were able to go back to bed, people need to see and hear and understand that we are human, our loss did not turn us into superhumans, we need time too.

Thanks for your thoughts on Betty. She was such an elegant woman, so lovely and I am happy for her because she was lonely without any of her peer still around. Now she has her family and her peer, she was ready to go mentally in her 70's, wanting to make sure she was gone before anyone young, I wonder if she had a feeling of things to come...?

I can feel her being happy and so I am glad.

Carol, thanks for the prayer and know that Jon took the advice to heart, he is continuing on in his original plans and we will have a burial ceremony two days before he andShan's wedding so as to include the family coming in for the wedding. He is feeling pretty well knowing that he benefited all his years with a great woman as Grandma and that she is out of any suffering. She hadn't been able to walk for the last several years and confinement is a terrible thing for one so previously active.

Love you Betty Mom in law.

[Kimothy2121]

There is something I want to share you all of you ... I work at wal mart and I have this manager that when he see me he shakes my hand and rubs my arm that as the tattoo of my baby boys face my papas but everytime I see he dose this yesterday I seen him and he did this like alway and then looks back at me and says he rubs my arm because my tattoo of my papas gives him good luck it brought tears to my eyes I think that ... That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done to aknowledge my papas everytime he see me ....

[shorty16]

Papa's Mom - It is days like the one you described that get us through the dark times. That is a great memory that you can call upon in the future.

My Friends,

The Brewers won and are playing the Cardinal's tomorrow. Should be fun to watch.

I am watching a Blue Jay eat all our sunflower seeds. But, I do not mind, bewcause that was Brian's favorite bird (and Eri's if I remember correctly).

Love to all my friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[dwsmithrn]

hi all....i just wrote a whole, long post and then lost the whole thing....uuhhhggg....not happy....now i have to go get ready for the grandkids i am keeping overnight....so i will try to re-post later on.....just wanted you to know i read and posted, just got lost...

sorry....have a good day and i will write later on.......love to all, diane

[ericasmom]

Pappas Mom, I agree, what a very sweet way to let you know that he is thinking of you and Pappas and that he cares. Lovely. How have you been, and your older boy, Malik?

Yep Col, she loves blue-jays, so do I , that rusty see-saw sound.

Going to a wedding later, John's cousins child.

Be well all, it is the prettiest day out, colors galore of trees adn breezy and warm. Unseasonably warm.

[andy88]

Hello Indigos,

Boy I've been away for awhile. Work has been so busy, but it keeps my mind occupied. So today I bought Andy a birthday card (his birthday is Monday). I just stood in Wal Mart crying by the cards. I really am healing every day, but with his birthday approaching, I seem to have taken several steps backward. Tomorrow we are doing a butterfly release with family and all his friends. I think it will be just beautiful. On Monday, Andy's Dad and I will spend a quiet day and let 23 balloons go...just us. I'm planning to go the the cemetery Monday as soon as it opens and decorate his grave with balloons and confetti and a Happy Birthday banner. I'm sure some people will think I'm crazy, but I don't care. It makes me happy, so I'm doing it!

I will read all your posts and catch up on everything. I just don't have the energy to do it right now. Please know that you are in my heart and prayers every day, whether I'm here or not. <3

With love,

Pam

[ericasmom]

Pam, we all do the backward stepping thing when we head toward a date of significance. I know that this will be hard for you, to have Andy's Birthday but it sounds like you have plans that will help you through the day. You are following your heart here, and Andy is in your Heart so...it only makes sense to me.

May you feel Andy's deep love and hope for his Momma and Dad as you face this day.

[shorty16]

Good Morning Indigos,

Diane - Hope you enjoyed the grandies last night. I do not have any grandies (yet) so I enjoy the stories told on this site. I am a virtual grandma to many kids.

Pam - In my humble opinion, you are doing very well on this journey. I know you may not feel it, but your sure have improved over time. For me, Brian's birthday is the hardest date to the year. I am in such physical pain that day. So I will be sending you prayers and warm thoughts to ease that day.

Hello friends,

I split Iris bulbs yesterday and replanted about 30 bulbs. I am sure not all of them will survive, but we will see.

I do not have much energy, but just wanted to say hello

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Col, I will bet that most of your new iris' will survive and bloom come spring. THey are an amazingly hearty plant.

Morning All, going for a walk and then cook and bake for today's shower for Shannon held here.

[Guest msnher]

What a beautiful view from my living room window. Because we live on a hill, we have a perfect view of the tops of the trees on the bottom of the hill. They are still leafy and green. A few miles away sits our mountain, a blanket of clouds hovering over the top and white snow carpeting the bottom half. Very serene.

I agree, Pam, you are doing better than you think. It is one step forward for every ten steps backwards. The trick is to keep taking that one step forward. We can longer judge our progress by our old standards...the standards we functioned to before our child died.

Colleen, please explain "splitting" the iris bulbs. Do you actually split a bulb in half? Is that how one gets different colors? My irisis are real hardy plants and survived the last two and a half summers that I completely neglected them - since Stephanie died. My tulips didn't fare as well...my daffodils seemed to multiply. Those are the only bulbs I have in my garden.

Enjoy your walk, Dee. How's Jon doing? How was John's cousin's wedding?

Love you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Jasmine's little kitten, Claws, is still in the pet hospital. They are force feeding him and he is still highly congested. I am torn with all the money we are spending on this little birthday kitten. I know that sounds so selfish. I told the vet that the kitten was a birthday present to my granddaughter whose mother died and they HAVE to save the kitten. When do we say enough is enough? It's been at the vet's since Friday morning. They said it might be able to come home tomorrow. Jasmine climbed on my lap this morning and whispered, "I miss my kitty".

[ericasmom]

Come-on Claws, beat the odds. Sus, if he doesn

t seem to be getting better perhaps you might see if there is a healthier candidate to bring home to love. While it is not the optimum it may be the best thing and Jasmine will love her newer kitty too. If need be, there is a great book called Cat Heaven...great book about pets dying.

Sus, Jon is doing well and left today for a flight to Florida under his Aunt Carol, his Uncles Pat and Brian, and all of his cousins in Boston as well as me and John and Shannon, to go ahead withhis travel plans for the week. Carol will fly in tomorrow from Boston and Wednesday we will have a small service at the funeral home and a dinner afterwards. Betty's ashes will be buried next to Max, Jon and Eri's grandpa, in November, two days before the wedding. That way, all the cousins from Boston will be here to gather for thier Grandmom.

The wedding last eve was good, nice. We were home by 10:00 and in bed by 10:30. The ladies: Shannon, her sis, Michele, her Mom, Beth, and my sisters Mary Anne, Eileen, and nieces Kate, Laura, and nephews wife Erika and their daughter Mara will all be coming over. Maybe one more woman, Buddy, who is partnered to another nephew, but unsure at this time.

I have a double layer cake in the oven, lemon blueberry cake that will be frosted with white chocolate lemon creamcheese frosting- so amazing. Me and ERi loved making this cake together, it is one of those that involves a lot of processes, fun to do. I have cried several times today, songs and weddings, Eri floating just above it all...

[Guest msnher]

Your cake sounds wonderful, Dee. I'm sure there are all sorts of emotions fluttering about today. Eri is around, no doubt.

I just don't know what to do with the sick little kitty. I know I won't return it to metro. I don't think I'll ever go back there. If little Claws has to be put down, I'll have my own vet do it, as humanely as possible. I told Gary I plan on bringing it home tomorrow, thinking I might be able to nurse it back to health more efficiently. I'm arrogant like that.

[Guest msnher]

And then there's the matter of all the stuff/accessories I've already bought for this cat....climbing tree, little carpeted cave, etc. The cat has already been around all of those things and I'm not sure if introducing another cat to them would infect the new cat and I don't want to throw it all away and I don't want to buy new and I don't want to keep it if it's infected. I know it's selfish.

[dwsmithrn]

betsy..hope you are feeling better now....my hubby was not happy that his red sox lost, lost, lost....boo hoo...

rhonda...any luck finding the $50. dollar bill? i sure hope you find it soon for your poor little aching heart.

lorri...i am really worried about kody....please keep an eye on him...just watch him...life is hard enough w/o this crap

also, i'm sorry about your unexpected 'mail'

carol...you are so right 'BOOM, it comes back and mows us down yet again.'....it surely does....sometimes feels like a bugs bunny cartoon, only you just lie there, flattened out and you don't get up....and you don't regain your original shape or person...you just lie in that state.

karen?....where are you? you OK?

pam...still want to get together sometime for lunch...i will be thinking about you tomorrow on ANDY'S heavenly birthday....make your mom happy and give her a hug..let her feel your presence....pam...who cares what anyone thinks? if it makes you happy, then do it....it hard enough to find a happy moment---so find this one with your precious angel, andy....

dee...glad you enjoyed the wedding and the company....the cake sounds wonderful, especially if eri had her hand in it....i'm sorry your family has experienced another loss....thinking about you...

sus...sorry to hear that claws is not doing well...bless jasmine's little heart. keep us updated....

i had a decent night with the little ones. they slept pretty good....i slept upstairs with both kids...vance in the crib and avery and i in the king bed...she thought that was great....vance woke up at 5:40am....avery slept about an hour and a half later....cooked her breakfast and my daughter and son-in-law got here about 9:30 to pick them up. they did fine....avery is so smart....we played 'school' and avery did an entire workbook of letters and numbers and jim asked her all sorts of geography questions and we were surprised at how much she knows about the united states. impressive for a 5 y/o.

i have to admit that i did not sleep much at all last night and am really, really tired today. tomorrow is the day i am going in to work to answer phones, make appts., and hopefully do a little insurance, if i remember how...!!!???....hopefully won't have to have TOO much contact with people, but will have some. i am EXTREMELY anxious and really don't want to do it at all....but i said i would, so i will try. after all my hubby has done for me, this is the least i can do for him....this is all he is asking....actually, he didn't ask, i told him i would try....i feel like i owe him something....i have not been back to work since january....he's not asking me to do nursing work, just some receptionist work behind the scenes....i will try....

better go.....

hope you all have a good week....think of you every single day....i promise i do.....love to all, diane

[lolynbo]

DIANE WE ARE HE DOES ALOTTTTTTTTTTT WITH US, AND LAST NIGHT HE RODE AROUND WITH A FRIEND THAT HIS DAD JUST DIED...SO LEAST HES GETTN OUT...LIL BIT.....BUT YA HE SEEMS A LIL BETTER..

FINALLY RAINING HERE...BUT SEEMS DEPRESSING..GOT THE HO HUMS TODAY...BUT WHO DONT..

HOPE ALL IS WELL OR OK FOR YAL

[aim630]

DIane-I hope everything goes ok at work tomorrow. We will all be thinking about you and sending you good wishes and positive thoughts.

Lorri-Glad to hear Kody is getting out a little bit and supporting his friend. Last week I had mentioned my high school boyfriend had passed away. We started dating shortly after I broke up with Ashley's father (my choice),and he stayed with me through her birth and for about6 months after she was born. Not what he had bargained for when we started dating. Iwas about 19 when we broke up, and it broke my heart. I didn't think I would be able to survive, Of course I did, and met Jeff about 2 yrs later. I remember how bad it felt. It hurts when you see your child's heart broken, but I'm sure he'll find someone else who'll make him happy.

Susannah-You and Gary have been through more in 5 yrs than most people in a lifetime. I'm glad you have had each other to lean on in those difficult times. I really hope Claws gets better, and Jasmine is able to hold her kitten soon!

Dee-I'm sorry for the loss of Jon's grandma. Your cake sounds delicious. I hope the shower went well today.

Carol-You've been such a great help and friend to all of us here. I know this week will be difficult, but I hope you remember all the good times with Mike.I'm glad he got to experience the Red Sox winning the WS in 2004.

Pam-We will be thinking of you tomorrow on Andy's birthday. I hope you will smile as you remember your sweet boy!

Thanks to everyone for the advice to Katie. I think Jenna is feeling better, and they had a good weekend. Next weekend her parentsand sister are visiting, so I'm sure that will help.

Colleen, Betsy, Betty, Rhonda, Karen, Leah, everyone else-hope you sleep well with sweet dreams of your angels.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[ericasmom]

You are all right, Eri was with us indeed, thank heavens we can feel her with us. Thanks Erica.

When you have some time and want to wow yourself and your family, try this cake. If there are still blueberries in the store, I had some frozen from summer, worked great.

Here it is, and it is FABULOUS!

http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Lemon-Blueberry-Cake-with-White-Chocolate-Frosting-103647

[ericasmom]

ANDY---ANDY---ANDY,

Please smile upon your Mom and let her feel your presence. Gift her with some signs of your being as she goes about honoring you with the signs and symbols that we parents use. You will always be her Boy.

[andy88]

Happy 23rd birthday my beautiful boy! You are deeply missed and loved forever. I will never forget 10/10/88 at 5:06 PM, when Andrew Edward Katchuk made his grand entrance into the world. The best best best day of my life.

Please remember Andy today by doing something kind for someone else, and if you would, light a candle in his memory and in celebration of his special day.

[mysonrich]

Hi Pam, I posted this poem on Never Lose Faith, the site Nicks dad created for all of us in Memory of Nick. I hope you don'tmind if I share this with you and Andy today. I did not write this and in the event the author does stumble upon it here, a thank you to you too.

I know the Angels

must have baked you a cake

on this your twenty third Birthday.

I’m sure you smiled in

your usual way.

Do you tease Them

and Make them Laugh?

As you did us

Before God called you

to his side.

I think of the things

You will have to tell me

when i join you there.

And the Many things I will

share with you.

I will celebrate in sadness

today as I miss your smile.

I will hope that as you walk

On the clouds and run through

the beautiful starry nights

That you will smile down upon

us as we wish for you

a heavenly Birthday Happiness.

[hotrod]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDY

Surround Your Family

With the Warmth of your Spirit

[shorty16]

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Andy

Sending virtual hugs your way, Pam

Colleen

[mysonrich]

Well Indigo’s, I am feeling better thank you. My energy is a bit on the low side,but I have the day off and not to waste a beautiful day I will meet Sarah and visit the 9/11 memorial. Maybe catch a glimpse of Occupy Wall Street folks. I decided not to travel to her home due to my old age !

Betty, maybe I'll pass you on the street. If not, I know we will meet soon.

Diane, I wish you well on your day back to work. The insurance stuff, it's there. I found I had to shift things around in my brain to find work related info. Slowly it came back for me. I dealt with numbers all day, playing detective at B of A in fraud. After a while, I just couldn't do it. I didn't care as much. Still finding my way as we all do here.

Dee, when I have another day off and a special occasion I will try making the cake. Hope Eri flutters in to help. Rich was a good cook. He made friends with a family from Mexico and we enjoyed meals he made from learning from them. Lots of other goodies too.

Gotta run. Or walk fast. Thinking of you all Indigo’s.

[andy88]

Good Morning Friends,

i'm doing ok today! I've got my candle lit for Andy and I'm thinking about so many precious memories. I wanted to tell you about the butterfly release we did yesterday. We did it the day before Andy's birthday because it was a Sunday and more people could attend. We had a huge turnout...all of his friends were there. I did go earlier in the day and had a wonderful time decorating. There were balloons and confetti and roses and a happy birthday banner. It really looked festive, and it made me smile. Of course I cried too...I cried a lot, but I wanted to get it out before the celebration later.

Well, it turned out so wonderfully! We all gathered at Andy's grave, and it was definitely a celebratory atmosphere. Some of the kids brought cookies and cake. We lit candles and sang happy birthday. One of the kids brought a pumpkin that he had carved with Andy's name inside a heart...it was so special and beautifully done. We all let our butterflies go at the same time, and it was just lovely and so meaningful. A couple of the kids brought their babies, who just loved the balloons, and it made me so happy to have them there. Andy's Dad and I both feel that red tailed hawks remind us of Andy, and wouldn't you know, one flew RIGHT OVER OUR HEADS! I just know Andy was there, and I think he enjoyed his "party".

Today, Andy's Dad and I will let 23 balloons go at 5:06 PM, the time he was born, then we are taking 8 of Andy's friends out for dinner at his favorite restaurant. Thank God for giving me 22 beautiful years with my beloved boy. I feel him near, and I can smile today.

Love to you all!

Pam

[ericasmom]

Pam so glad for the wonderful memories adn the pretty day yesterday turned out to be and for your ability to hold tight to the real meaning of this day, the beauty of this date will always be. Peace Dear. Love the handsome photos too, a beautiful baby to a beautiful man. Always your Baby.

Have fun today Betsy, glad you are on the mend. Do you think you had pneumonia? It zapped me for weeks afterwards when I had it years ago. Say hi to your Sarah for us, happy day off to all of us lucky enough to have one.

Diane, while we have a day off, you are heading back into work, and I hope that the day unfolds without any glitches and it is smooth sailing.

Lor, give my Kody-Boy a hug from me, tell him his OLD AUNTIE loves him.

[Chads Mom]

I wake up each day feeling pretty good, but each day ends up at some point with tears and the realization my son is really really gone.

I can't help but remembering the last day.... I remember leaving his room at the hospital to take a 5 minute break with my sister and then having my niece call saying come back right now! I just knew I knew what we would come back to find and sure enough my husband grabbed me before I could get to my son and said we all just had our attention off of him for a minute and he took his last breath.

Through finding out Chad had cancer I knew we would lose him, I knew when we got to the hospital 4 days before he wouldn't come home again, I knew when the Doctor said the only thing we could do was make him comfortable. I knew we would lose Chad, I just didn't know how bad it was going to hurt. I remember when we had to leave him that evening I felt like I was just leaving my son, some say they feel their loved one all around them me I felt nothing but the horror of leaving my poor sweet child at that place all alone with no one there.

I waited for days to feel my son's spirit or something but all I was left with was he was not here at home safe and sound with his family, he was alone by himself somewhere else. I finally felt my son the day of his funeral. I dreaded that day. But when we arrived I felt my child all around me I felt peace and I felt strength a kind of strength I hadn't had for over 45 days. It helped me get through that day.

It's been a little over 4 months since Chad left and I can hardly begin to believe he has been gone that long.

It helps a great deal to read this forum everyday and understand I am not alone in my thought or feelings.

Chad's Mom---Polly

PAM: Happy Birthday to your dear son Andy may you feel his spirit all around you.

[Guest msnher]

Claws is home and doing much better. He wants to make friends with Shelby but Shelby is having nothing to do with it. At least she (Shelby) hasn't tried to treat him like one of her squeeky toys.

[mikesmomrs]

ANDY...ANDY...ANDY...Saying your name, remembering you, always. Happy birthday to you, Andy, I know you are celebrating with all of our angels. Please surround your mom with your sweet spirit, letting her know you love her always.