Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Carrie, a group walk sounds delightful. Yes, I sometimes walk around and hear myself sigh, and I think, wow, others hear me too.

Deb, Carrie is right as is Sus, there is not wrong way to grieve and to be at the 8month mark just almost automatically means another layer of shock has worn off and you are feeling pretty vulnerable and bare and alone in this grief. To not be able to talk to anyone in your immediate group is so isolating to begin with, and grief itself is isolating because talking to 'regular' people can make us feel guilty, can make us feel angry because they do not ask us questions or converse at all about our Child, and because we sometimes drive folks away from us because some cannot deal with the changes we have undergone and no longer feel comfy near us. Not all of our friends or family, but some. We feel so different too that we don't find ourselves doing or wanting to do what we once considered fun or interesting. It is a ball of yarn to be sure and if you pull one end, it unravels and the other end is simply lost. We are like that, about to unravel and lost! Don't despair if you can help it because we really get that.

We get all that, we have been though those days where we are doing worse than before adn for me it was the march of time adn the shock wearing away. Eri died six days after a train hit her car at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan. This tragedy happened in 2003, 8 years ago. I can sit here tonight and promise you that you will do some healing but it does not happen quickly, it does take time, lots of time and energy to live and work and find ways to live again in our grief. I so agree with Diane when she says that it takes a great deal of energy to be sad adn happy at the same time. It DOES! Twice the energy from people whose energy has been zapped through loss. In the next few weeks and months you will undergo several more changes but please, realize that we are here for a reason, we must be because here we are learning to breathe and walk and speak and live after tragedy struck. HOw old is your surviving Son?

Peace to you

[deepbluezz]

I started seeing someone and at forst it was good. Then she started asking questions about my parents. Father had a very very bad drinking problem. The therapist suggested we start talking about him. I thought...no, my father was a very sick man, before he passed away I forgave him fo everthing and am at peace with him. I told her I didn't want to drag up old history . The last thing I wanted was to have the burden of my grief over Jeremy on one shoulder and my father on the other. I would have been more than happy to address my fathers issues in the future but for now I wanted help coping with Jeremy's death. She did not agree with me and felt her idea was the best way to go, she said "no". I said goodbye.

I want to talk to people who know how I feel, but I wish none of you were here, not being here means you are not suffering the loss of someone you loved more than your next breath.

My promise to myself is to come here a lot , if for nothing else to read some of the wonderful comments that are posted here. Today was a very bad day, but just typing and reading has made me feel better. Thank you

[shellyku]

Good Morning Indigo Family - In my lame attempt to catch up over the weekend, may I just say

you are all in my thoughts and prayers. Being away from BI for several weeks, for no other reason

than having not much to say, I've become acutely aware of how much you all mean to me. It is

a unique, valuable, comforting place to be.

Greg - your video of Brian is precious. As someone mentioned earlier, the way he took great care

in returning the fish to the water, so gently, speaks of his true spirit. His smile lit up the screen.

Colleen - I'm also relieved to hear that you had the same thought about dreaming our child existed.

How can the life of our child be gone? I believe Sarah is around me in spirit, but I cannot get used to

her physical person being gone. Does that make sense?

When I logged on yestereday, I went to the "main menu" and saw a post from bells76 whose 9 year

old son died from complications of asthma right on her kitchen floor. I encouraged her to come to

this thread and told her of the wonderful, compassionate people here who will gladly help her through.

I've missed so many of you and I apologize for that, but please know that I will continue to keep up

and try to address everyone. You are all very special to me. Have a good day.

[ericasmom]

Shelly, sometimes going away for a bit lets you know that you have a place where you fit in and belong and while it is not because of good endings but sad, it is good to have a place, this place became and still is a second home to me, offering the comfort that one needs to survive this loss. I am glad that you reached out to the Mom of the young child, if she comes we will hold her too.

[shorty16]

Hello my friends.

What a weekend for sports in Wisconsin. The Brewers are 2-0 against the Diamond Backs. Wisconsin Badgers beat Nebraska. This was Nebraska's debut in the Big 10 Conference. Also, the Packers kicked.

We are still trying to fix the siding that came off of our house due to the wind-storm last Thursday night. The weather is cooperating, we are just being lazy.

Thinking of all my friends on this site. Hope each of you can find one thing that makes you smile today.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[daveydow1]

Christophersmom-----I am sorry for your loss of your dear son, Christopher. This is

is a good site to come to, and you can tell us anything about how you are feeling,

your life, etc......anything. Keep coming back to this site when you can. We're here

to listen and understand.

Colleen-----Wow......free tickets from the generous lady ! Glad that you enjoyed the show.

My husband also likes the Packers......( not much to 'crow' about with his team the Browns ) ....

so being a football 'nut'......he enjoys watching good teams like Green Bay.

Rhonda----Glad that your trip was ok, and that you are back home. I do know how you feel

with that 'letdown feeling' that comes when you return home. But, I guess that the routine

of day-in-day-out is also reassuring on this bumpy road.

Dee-----Good to hear that you are getting some sun.....(and hoping that it moves our way). Today,

it was so gloomy & gray.......doesn't do much for the mood. Your walk along the lake in the sun

sounds so nice. We have lots of deer coming into the backyard to eat the falling chestnuts.....oodles

of nuts out there on the ground, and also many left on the trees, so the deer come to eat. Usually,

it's the does, and half-grown fawns, and they were there last evening, but also a buck with antlers

was out there too. Had not seen him before. He was very cautious.......raising his head often to watch for any sign of danger. If we go out the door, they all bound away for the nearby woods.

Lor-----Thinking of you and your feelings as all those memorable dates approach......Prayers, friend.

Deb----I'm sorry that you are feeling so sad, drained, and tired. At this place on your timeline.....8 mo.,

it can be very painful and sad. I do hope that you can find a councelor or someone whom you can talk

to. We're always here at this site, so please come here to 'talk' to us. As someone said......this IS a

weird journey that no one ever wants to be on. But this site has helped so many of us. I wish there

was something that could be said that could ease your pain... Just know that we are here. Sending

thoughts& prayers.

Deepbluzz----I hope that you are able to find another therapist that will be a better fit. Sometimes

it is difficult to find one, but worth the effort when you find someone that is truly understanding.

Hope you can come back to this site too. Peace & comfort to you.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sherry, there are many black walnuts rotting on our lawn from our neighbors tree and they do attract the squirrels for sure. I have seen several young deer just inside the periphery of the forested land. So cute and just following their appetite around the woods. Soon it will be cold and less to eat so I imagine they will be walking down the center of the streets, just hope nobody hits them on the road. Yes, I am sending the sun your way Sherry, it is probably in to see you tomorrow as we are supposed to be in for a sunny week.

BEARS WON, pretty good game too.

[daveydow1]

Dee----We don't see a lot of squirrels here.......strangely enough... I believe it may

be because of hawks and coyotes. (There are lots of them.) We see a squirrel

in the backyard from time to time, but not a lot of them. The deer are coming daily,

and in the evening to eat the chestnuts. It's so good to see them back there. The

neighbors have a big woods adjoining our place......over 100 acres, and the deer

must live in there. Cornfields all around the area, so there's lots of shelled corn,

ears of corn, and stalks that gets missed by the harvesting machines, so they have

a way of finding enough to eat in the winter. We don't feed them. My husband feeds

the birds, though. I hope that the deer in your area stay away from the road.......so

dangerous for deer, and people driving, since the deer usually dart out quickly into

the roadways. November is especially hazardous for deer/automobile collisions. I

hope you are feeling better. I probably won't be on BI for a few days.......I have some

pressing things that I need to take care of.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[bus1851]

One year ago today you brought such happiness and joy into our lives. Having you taken from us five short months later has left such an emptiness that can never be filled. Our love for you will never fade nor will your memory, you are on our minds every second of every day. The five months we had together were so happy and free, we will think of those days fondly after the sorrow has passed. Happy birthday my sweet angel Marley Frances, daddy misses you so much, daddy loves you so much, I am lost without my baby, I long to be with you again.

Missed by daddy, mommy, sister and brother.

[Guest msnher]

For Baby Marley - Such a beautiful gift of life. Thinking of you and your family, CJ.

[mysonrich]

Marley,

[shorty16]

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Marley

Thinking of you today CJ and your family.

Colleen

[shorty16]

Hello my Indigo Pals

If I could bottle and sell this weather we are having in Wisconsin, I would take all my Indigo friends on a cruise!!!

The weather is gorgeous all this week in Wisconsin - You too Dee?

Perfect weather for planting bulbs and yard work.

Question for my friends:

Has anyone planted bulbs in containers instead of the ground? If so, did it work? I bought 4 Asiatic Lilly bulbs and want to plant them in a container to hopefully have them come up in the spring.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Brendan's Daddy]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARLEY!! Thinking of you all today.

[Brendan's Daddy]

10 months without my Brendan. I can't believe I have not held my boy for 10 months.

[ericasmom]

MARLEY, I hope that your Heavenly Birthday is filled with the love of all of our Angels and the AMAZINGLY STRONG LOVE from your FAMILY. Your birth brought such joy, and we want to support your family as they find ways to honor your life and go forward into this day and the next.M

[ericasmom]

Yes Col, absolutely beautific weather.

SHerry, so funny that you don't have many squirrels, we are over-run with them and chipmunks.

[shellyku]

MARLEY - HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

SWEET BABY GIRL!!! Brush past your family and give them your butterfly kisses! My heart

to you and yours CJ.

Colleen - I am not sure, but I think if you just pull your lilly bulbs from the ground and store them

in a nylon stocking in a cool, dry place, you can replant them in the spring. I don't think (I could

be wrong) that you need to plant them in a pot.

I hope all Indigos are doing well today. The weather here in PA is turning to what is commonly

known as Fall. Up to this point, our weather has been anything but common!

Have a wonderful day!

[dwsmithrn]

happy heavenly birthday, marley.....shine down on your family today and show them your love...

love and huggs to you and family, cj..........

[dwsmithrn]

hi peeps....i was so tired from the beach trip that i stayed in bed in my pj's all day long yesterday ....and i mean ALL day.....i needed rest and i needed peace and quiet...and i got it. feel a little better today, but i still have that dark cloud hanging over my head. when jim got home last night, i started to cry and told him i wished we could run away at christmas time and not be here....he asked me where would we go? and i told him i did not care...it could be down the street to a motel...it didn't matter, just not here....this was the place that we last saw nathan and looking back, he did look sad and he was not himself....i don't want that image in my head....if i knew for a fact that the kids were not coming home for the holidays this year, i really would run away.....i want to....just long enough for christmas to be over. i don't know what to do.....the counselor thinks my dark cloud is because of all the holidays coming up and this last big family event we just had with the twins....and knowing nathan not being here....she could be right.....i am dreading the next 3-4 months....knowing he always called on my birthday and jim's birthday coming up in the next 2-3 weeks and than thanksgiving and then christmas and then JANUARY.....i don't know if i can take it.....i don't know what to do....i don't want to do any of it. make it just go away, all of it.....i want my baby back. i can't do this. i can't.

[shorty16]

Diane

The first 2 Christmas's after Brian's death we did get the heck out of dodge. The first Christmas we went to Miami Beach. That was a great vacation. Nothing that reminded me of Brian. Sure we cried, but everywhere we went was new, nothing to compare it to.

Just a comment from someone who did run away for Christmas.

PS: We put some of Brian's ashes in the Atlantic. The next year we went to the Pacific and put some of Brian's ashes there too.

Colleen

[ericasmom]

You can Diane, change the traditions by getting away or going to one of he kids' homes for the holidays or go to a hotel and a big dinner with the family near the hotel and then get away to the quiet of your hotel room when you need to. Sometimes we have to change what we used to do in order to accomodate the hole in our hearts, and there is nothing wrong in doing so. Our lives have changed and so too has the way we celebrate the holidays. Hang tight, more ideas will be written here, remember, you can change things, it is okay if the kids want it to be the same, the fact is, it isn't the same and they can adjust to changes in the schedule.

[daveydow1]

MARLEY......MARLEY........SWEET LITTLE ANGEL, MARLEY.

CJ-----Sending thoughts your way, today. May your dear memories of your darling baby

girl bring a little smile to your hearts and souls.

Diane------I, so, feel for you as all the dates and holidays coming up seem to sweep

over you like a rogue tide. The first year after your loss of Nathan is so painful......really

indescribable. My heart goes out to you, Diane. Wish so much that I could have

something to say to make your sorrow a little lighter. Just remember that we, in the

INDIGO FAMILY are here to try & make your burden a bit less painful if we can. Peace

and prayers, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest msnher]

Diane, once again you are speaking words I've spoken myself. I said to my therapist "I can't DO this!" She said when someone says they can't what they really mean is they don't want to. Well duh! She reminded me that I can and will "do it". If it had been spoken by anyone else, but her, I might have blown them off or been offended. Cari 16 yr old son's heart stopped during a wrestling match. They were able to get it beating again but he never regained consciousness. He was put in ICU and they kept him alive. Finally they made the decision to turn off the machines. Her family gathered to say goodbye to this sweet, athletic 16 yr old boy. She described what it was like. She laid on the hospital bed beside her son and held him, tears streaming down her cheeks, as she said goodbye to her son. Only, he didn't die. The hooked the machines up again. FIVE TIMES. They went through that five different times...turning off the machines, waiting for him to die. He never died, but he never regained consciousness. Finally, months later, they brought her son home. He has the maturity level of a 6 month old. He is a paraplegic. That happened several years ago. Her son still lives at home, but nothing has changed. The son she knew is gone but she didn't have time to grieve for him because she had the new him to take care of. WE CAN DO THIS....we just don't want to. We wish we didn't have to. And on the days when we have to stay in bed in our pajamas, we're still "doing this". On days when we scream and cry, we're still doing it....every painful breath is part of doing this. Fortunately, or unfortunately, we don't have to do this alone. There are those who have walked before us that hold the lantern, lighting the way. What you don't have to do is do Christmas...you CAN do something different. Do what YOU have to do to survive. If it's going to a motel, then do it. You don't have to perform for anyone. We wouldn't have done anything but our first Christmas without Stephanie was also our first Christmas with her children. They didn't have Christmas the year before, when we didn't know where they were. They were forced to stand by the wall and watch their perpetrator's children open their presents. Nothing under the tree for them...and, their dad allowed that. Okay. I have to talk about something else because now I'm pissed ... again. Anyway....there were lots of tears, but there was also a lot of gratitude for the children we were reunited with. That first year we hung a ceramic heart angel with Stephanie's picture in it. Every year from then on we plan to add another special ornament in her honor.

[aim630]

Marley-Happy Heavenly Birthday to you, sweet baby girl! Let your mommy and daddy feel your angel's kisses as they remember and celebrate your life.

CJ-Thinking of you and your family today.

[aim630]

Greg-Sorry I missed Brian's day. I hope you and your family and Alyssa felt some peace as you remembered Brian's life. The video showed what a special young man he was, and made me cry.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[ericasmom]

Beautifully put susannah, we really don't want to, but we are here, we do it. I remember too feeling like I CAN"T, but I also knew that I would do it, and each day I put whatever I could into the day and some days less than others, because the day was going to be there anyway, might as well put a little of me into it, sun is going to rise with or without my input. Same as Christmas and each Holiday. You can change the way they unfold.

When My parents disowned me after I had my two children, I had to find all new ways in which to celebrate holidays. I was happy to have found some new ways to enjoy the days. After Eri died, we scaled down the day, our visits are shorter with others as I require a lot of alone time on that holiday. I do spend time with Jonathan and Shannon, and Husband and I sit together in the morning listening to music and having coffee and small gifts. But it is different and trying to make it the same would have hurt too much.

[shellyku]

Susannah - that is by far the most accurate description of what we face on this journey.

It is what I struggle with each day...I don't want to: work, clean, cook, etc., but I keep waking

up each morning so I believe God wants me here. I would rather be with Sarah, but I'm not.

I'm here so I feel I must try to get through each day the way Sarah would want me to. Dee,

I like what you said about putting some of yourself in each day...I believe that is what our

role is here on this Earth...adding to the universe as God has planned for us, until He is

ready for us to move to the next level. Sounds corny, I know.

I hope everyone has a good day! I've been home from work since last Friday with bronchitis

with a touch of pneumonia...fun times! Been on prednisone and it has me bouncing off the

walls. I made 4 different kinds of soups in the last 2 days...I can't sit down! Love to All!

[shorty16]

Sus

Wise words from a wonderful woman who KNOWS.

Thanks

Colleen

[shorty16]

My friends,

I was actually productive yesterday. We are having our carpet cleaned today and had to move furniture. I made Aaron's friends bacon-cheese burgers on Saturday to bribe them to come over on Tuesday and help move furniture - It worked. They all came and helped.

I also pulled all the dead flowers from the side flower-bed. The one Scott made out of Brian's snow-board ramp. Now the Cosmos are blooming.

Thinking of all my friends who walk this same road with me. Hard road indeed, but, with help, this can be done.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

I think it was Lorri whose response to people when they asked how she was, "I'm off the couch".

Gosh, I remember when brushing my teeth was all I could accomplish in a day. Once a vain woman, I no longer cared....it no longer mattered. If I showed up with hair done and makeup on and dressed nice people thought I must be doing really well. I would always laugh and tell them that it took every ounce of energy I could conjure up to perform this miracle and doing so ensured nothing else would be accomplished today. We do what we can do when we can do it. You all taught me that. Baby steps. One step forward, ten steps back. But we keep taking that one step. I learned it from all of you.

I love you all!

[sadmomm]

Diane Hello I am on the same page as you i just want it to go away.... I think that is the only way we will feel better... But it won't we have to do something about it.. What i do not know. But it won't go away.. but i feel the same.. luckily my husband will listen to me cry and whine and we have our friends here. People who understand not people who do not. It is very sad.. I am sorry. Past sad. I have severe depression also. and you know this medicine it makes me forget... drowsy sleep forget but is that what i need. Not really... I need to be able to go on. i have two other kids. i will... i know i will.. when i can and in the capacity i can.. and when i cant well i just won't... you are not alone. feeling like this.. love to you and all indigos and all angels.. carrie

[westleysmom]

MARLEY-Sweet angel baby. Happy belated heavenly birthday!

CJ-Sorry I didn't get to post yesterday. Hope you felt her all around you yesterday and always.

Diane-You are almost exactly where I was last year. My friend Susan and I talked about it, the darkness that you feel when you think of the holidays without your boy. It seems to weigh more than you can bear. We did most of the same things that we did before, for my daughter and her family if for no other reason. But I did have to have alone time. It wasn't easy and I don't expect this year to be easy, either. But I do hope that it gets less hard if that makes any sense. In a way, its as if I wanted all my memories of holidays to be ones where he was there, and now that he's gone, I still have to keep going. And after the holidays are over, I thought, I will have memories of holidays where he's not there, and that's just wrong! I liked my charmed life where everything was not perfect, but pretty much okay. I'm sure you did, too. Just give yourself time and space and a break for feeling the way that you do, whatever that is. Hugs

Kathy and Colleen and Dee-Still not sure if he straightened out the bank mess, its a local bank where we've banked for years and our daughter works. Because of privacy stuff, they can't talk to me about it, but if he'll let me come with him, I'm going to try to talk them down on whatever fees they've hit him with. If they were just trying to make a buck, they don't know the one about you can't get blood out of a turnip. Wish us luck.

Sherry-have a good time wherever you are and be safe.

Amy-You doing okay? I thought about you when I went to get my flu shot Saturday. How is school going for Katy? (I hope I spelled that right and if I ever call somebody out of their name, I'm sorry, my memory is not what it used to be.)

Susannah, Carrie, Shelly, Lorri, Betsy, Betty, Greg, Dan, Carol, Trudi, Karen, Bonnie, Marcia-all you sweethearts I didn't name, I hope the day is kind to you and you feel your angels all around you today and every day

[shellyku]

Hi Indigos - Two posts in one day...a record for me but as I said earlier, I am whacked out

on prednisone. I will sometimes go on the Loss of a Partner thread of this website to try

and get some ideas for Sarah's husband who is struggling but is reluctant to talk about HIS

loss. Well, I went on there yesterday and saw a post from a woman who lost her husband.

She included a link to a song that will blow you away! WARNING: this song WILL make you

cry but it is beautifully written and offers, I believe, comfort and hope. It is: YouTube 911 Memorial

Song I'll See You Again Stevi Schmidt. I hope you'll check it out! Love, Shelly

[mikesmomrs]

Hello all: Have not posted this weekend due to having to work through some things regarding our upcoming trip, things that will be changed while we are gone, etc., and just running around. Davis is not too happy that we are changing the combination lock code on our front door, as he has always before stayed here when we are gone anywhere, but since he doesn't live here any longer, he won't be doing that. I know that he would love to do that, but I just think it is time to let him know that the boundaries are being established and that is a huge step for me to let go, and for him to realize. I have to remind myself that if he had moved out earlier (like when he turned 20 or so), he would not have unlimited access to our house, no more than we would have that to his house. Cathi does have the combination, but would never just 'come in' without calling first or, if we weren't home and she needed something, she would call and ask. Davis still just comes up to the house, punches in the numbers and walks in. He is so used to this, though, that I just cannot bring myself to say "Oh, you can't do that any more" just like that! I will tell him next week.

So, first of all, let me tell little Marley that I hope our angels surrounded her with love and joy on her wonderful birthday, and I send my heart to her mommy and daddy as they work their way through these days of huge sadness when an event such as birthday occurs. It is terribly hard to go through, but know that we are all with you, always. Mike's fifth angelversary is this month, and we all here do know the pain that these events bring to our hearts. Prayers to you for strength.

Susannah: What you say is so true, and as always, wise and heartfelt. I cannot imagine the pain you went through when you were reunited with Steph's kids and learned of all they had suffered through. I am so glad that they have you and Gary, and that you were able to give them a Christmas that they would remember for the joy it held instead of for the pain they endured.

Christmas is a tough one, and many of us here have already gone through our first and subsequent ones. Suggestions will be offered here, coming from what we have done and learned, and hopefully, some will help others. We do have to do what is best for US, and if that involves going to a motel, or another part of the country or world, or just holing up in our room, under the covers, then so be it. Of course, we do have to remember those who are still with us, and try our best to do what we can. One thing that drove us out of the pit was having to provide Christmas for Mike's boys. Of course, Sarah was here, and they had their Christmas with their mom, but we knew there had to be a strong connection and reminder of the joy they had shared with their daddy in the past, and that reminder had to be strong enough to carry with them as the years go by. Sarah came here the night before Christmas eve, and the boys were here, and though it was terribly hard, we did manage to do Christmas. At one point, the older boys had a meltdown, but it turned out to be very cathartic for them, as they hadn't really "cried buckets" since their daddy died, and this was a huge release for them. We try to take each Christmas as it comes...we've created new traditions, and kept some of the old ones. Knowing that Mike was going to die in some ways helped us to prepare for a future without him. I say "in some ways" because no matter how much you "prepare" it is never enough, never real enough, never imagined, and nothing like whatever you might have thought it would be. I am so very thankful that we had that time, but we carried and still carry the sadness within, always.

The other thing is that we did not do all of the new things at once...they happened over time...usually with a suggestion from one of Mike's kids, or his sisters, or ourselves. One of the things we did last year was to get a very small artificial tree and decorated it with pictures of Mike and his kids and all of his family in Christmas frames and hung them on that tree. Another small artificial tree that we put up the first year, was decorated with written notes to Mike, and everyone put something under that tree that connected them with Mike...Davis put a favorite CD, I put a red VW, the boys put a Star Wars figure, etc. On Christmas eve, we put the notes in Mike's stocking, and then on Christmas day, we all gathered and took the notes out and read them out loud. We didn't necessarily read our own notes, so that helped to bring each of us together in our thoughts a little more. Those of you who are new to this journey, please understand that none of these things that have been or may be suggested are something that MUST be done. We have to do what we think is what WE can do, and only WHEN we can do it.

Diane, I am so proud of you for attending the twins' birthday, and I know that it was terribly difficult, but likely meant so very, very much to them. I am sorry that you are having a tough day, but I am glad that you have a therapist that you can turn to. Sometimes it takes a while before we find one we are comfortable with and that requires knowing when to walk away if it is not working, and that can be tough, also.

Amy: I hope that Katie is doing okay at school and getting used to it. I guess the Indians gave you guys some good games...our SOX just fell down, all the way, in September, and acted like a bunch of guys who couldn't hit or pitch their way out of a paper bag! Very disappointing, but "there's always next year" isn't there.. How did the game go that Katie came home to attend? I hope you guys had a good time.

Sherry: We used to have tons of squirrels where we used to live, but here not so many, thankfully. They tend to make feeding the birds more difficult.

Rhonda: So very sorry that CJ has to deal with this financial mess...Davis had the same thing happen to him when he first opened his account, and wound up paying pretty nearly $250 in extra fees. I don't blame him or the bank entirely...it was a bit of both. The bank should have made sure he understood the terms, and he also should have made sure he understood the terms, but at that age (20 or so), it is easy to just sign up and go your merry way. Davis was with TD Banknorth, and they have the wonderful practice of charging for a returned check or overdraw on your ATM, and they charge is $25.00. If you do not pay it in 3 days, the charge is added again, for EACH overdraw, and so on, each three days, til you pay. Davis finally learned his lesson and got an ATM card that he can only withdraw directly from an ATM, and cannot purchase anything with it. You have been a tremendous help and support to CJ, and I hope that the bank will be reasonable and at least reduce the fees somewhat.

Shellyku: THanks for the song recommendation, will listen to it later, and have my own private cry fest.

Carrie: I am so glad that you do have friends and family near you who will listen to you with some understanding. That is something that certainly goes a long way on this journey towards helping us to heal.

Colleen: So glad for your "day of production." We too had some cleaning to do...we had visitors from California coming in last weekend and the house had really gotten quite messy and dirty so we spent a lot of time preparing...I was able to take advantage and do some extra cleaning that hasn't been done for a long while. We wound up with a very clean house! And we had time to really enjoy our company.

Kathy: I hpe that you all get to have that one last weekend at the beach...or was it the past weekend? The weather here this past weekend was just awful, but is supposed to be really beautiful this coming weekend. We will likely take advantage and take a drive out there for a bit.

Got to go and take Damon home...he came flying out of school today, backpack over his shoulder and his Red Sox cap on, turned askew...I asked him if he had it that way on purpose and he said "Yes, I like it that way."

[lolynbo]

YEP IT WAS ME, TODAY IM ON THE COUCH...MAYBE TOM WILL BE DIFF...

[mikesmum]

when someone says they can't what they really mean is they don't want to.

True words spoken as Colleen says, by someone who knows. Those first years, I remember waking each day and for a split second, before the reality of that day clicked in, I forgot Mike had died. Then bang, tears and the wailing "I just want my boy back, I can't do this. Almost 5ys on and the disbelief and sadness have settled into my life.

That first Christmas 11 months after Mike died I wanted all my family here with me. I guess I needed them. Jeya had just had her first birthday, the year before Mike spent his last Christmas here with us all. Candles were lit, not just for Mike but for my sister in laws dad who passed, my parents who were gone. The day took on a whole different meaning.

I guess like everyone here I am 'doing it'. But I'm doing it my way. PJ's are my norm, not just when I'm going to bed or if I'm sick...just cause. My priorities are altered forever. Housework is no longer part of my routine, its on an ADHOC basis. Family, those I cherish, are important. Grandies ~ they're my oxygen, my light.

I spent a day with Melissa and grandies back up where she broke her leg. The ortho that did the surgery has his rooms there. Its where I was born and grew up, where I returned to do my nurses training back in the '70s. I took them to a place called Tara Bulga/Tara Valley. I went there as child with my parents. It is an amazing rainforest. Waterfalls, trees over 1,000 yrs old. I was worried that Melissa might not enjoy it much, you need to walk through winding steep tracks and she is still on crutches. Never once did she say I can't do it....she walked over 6kms! She stopped taking her Oxycontin 2 weeks after she broke her leg...her fear was that she might become too dependant, that's what happened with Mike. I was in awe of her strength, to never just give in or give up.

There are over 200 pics on my camera...Emily is interested in photography and has a keen eye. I have posted just a couple...

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's, after a week of achy, fever,can't rest ,feel like someone kicked me in the ribs illness I am now on the mend. Of course I have a Dr appt tomorrow for what ales me and I made it to the grocery store without saying,”clear the isle, sick women needs soup”, that was last week, and now have homemade chicken soup for the next couple of days.

Trudi, Emily’s pictures are wonderful ! For those that have trouble viewing the small size and click to enlarge, if the pic are too large,go back to the small view, right click on image and select, “open in another window” . Works on this side.

Christmas, I had to think back to my first without Rich. I really think I block things out or perhaps its old age, I needed to really think about it, 2 nanoseconds :-), It wasn't a good memory, so I stuffed in back in the box.

My cousin announced that today was her and hubby’s 15th wedding anniversary. I gave my congratulations. I remember the day well. Doves, Ice Sculptures, mile long dessert table...and I remember my boy getting the blame for acting up in the bathroom with the end result being a broken stall door. In private I told my cousin that it wasn't Rich. Yes, 15 years later I told her that I walked in on the act and saw who it was. She brought back this memory and for Rich, I set the record straight. Nuts I know.

Going to check on the soup. I wanted to share a couple pics. The first a ruin in the mountains nearby. They are really large hills. Sarah and I went out for lunch and a ride one recent day. Found along a still, dirt road.

The 2^nd. A stranger at the gas station. His tailgate camper. I just said ” say cheese”

My beautiful son. Some of you gave seen this a thousand times I know.

http://ehaldeman.smu...ouseruin1-M.jpg

http://ehaldeman.smugmug.com/Groups/BI/i-RHcKDBj/0/M/drivereaglescamper-M.jpg

http://ehaldeman.smugmug.com/Groups/BI/i-LrFRkWn/0/M/RichGradPicGown-M.jpg

[ericasmom]

Betsy, hoping that you continue to feel better and go to the doc anyway, many kids are getting sick each day with a fever and a cough. I remember sneezing in the middle of the night, not a great sign with the cold all around. Have not yet looked at any [photos from yesterday, but I will and I always enjoy them, just don't want to be rushed when I get to look.

Carol, so good to see your post, hoping you are doing okay as you prepare for the trip. It took courage and a huge dose of LOVE to change the locks but I know it is hard on your heart as well.

[ericasmom]

Okay, now I took my walk and saw the sun come up some, I had time to look at the photos. Betsy, that stone structure is beautiful, would love to clean it out and make it a home. And of course, the gorgeously handsome Rich, so soulful a look. I am glad that you cleared his name with your cousin.

Trudi, my goodness it is nice to see the kids so happy with their Mum (so like her own Mum). Great photos from Em as well.

To all those new here, the change of seasons is often a trigger for the blues as it marks yet another time without our Babies. It still does so for we that have been here a while, so please know that the triggers are often the subtle changes in weather and of course holidays will cause a lot of anxiety.

[mikesmum]

Betsy, many thanks for the hint on viewing the pics. I love the stone ruin. I love going 'off road' and finding ruins of a bygone time. I found one with the kids near an old stone mill. The Shire here were clearing bushland and it exposed the old 'Cushins Mill' on the edge of town. We trekked through the brush to find a circular drive ringed with birches and agapantha's a plenty leading up to what was once a country house. Sadly its lost under the Lillydale Lake now.

Never ever get tired of seeing that handsome young man. There is something in the way he's looking at the camera...

The National Park where we took most of the pictures is another place to search the surrounding bush for hidden history. On the ridge above the valley once stood a wooden guest house...now there is only a large cypress tree seen and a chimney rising out of the bracken and blackberries.

More pics.....pls take Betsy's advice, not sure but these will probably come out large too!

This is a valley of tree ferns in the rainforest.

This swing bridge was completed back in 1930's. I have a pic somewhere of me sitting on a less sturdy structure when I was about 3yrs old.

Em took this through the car window as we entered the 'city' leaving the tranquility of the country

Caleb's house of cards and his Lego police helicopter. He's about to turn 7 and puts these things together without much effort....

Well Indigo's I have been out and about since early this am and it's almost Friday, so I will bid you adieu until we met again.....

[Guest msnher]

Good morning Indigo's,

It has been in the 80's (hot for us) all week and are expecting snow by this evening. Wyoming. It is common to run the air conditioner AND the heater during the same day.

I feel the same way about the pictures. I never grow tired of seeing our angel's faces. I love all the landscape photo's too. It's very beautiful in your part of the planet earth, Trudi! Today is Jasmine's birthday. I wanted to get her a kitten. I thought it would be good for her to have a living thing to love and nurture. However, I'm allergic to cats. I thought ONE cat won't be so bad, but after just a few minutes looking at kittens in our local shelter, my eyes were swollen and my throat constricted. Darn! Not worth the price. I love cats. As I type this I'm already changing my mind. ONE cat and I keep my home clean. I can keep benadryl on hand. I just might do it anyway. I want a kitten so I can introduce it to our dog on peaceful terms.

I don't want to get off the couch today but I have to. Cable is coming in a couple of hours to repair our connection. I should at least get dressed.

Love you all!

[westleysmom]

Betsy-Thanks for the picture tip and I hope you are feeling better. Rich and Westley graduated the same year and both of them look so handsome in their cap and gown. It is so hard sometimes, isn't it? I'm glad you let the cousin know that Rich was innocent.

Trudi-Thanks for your pictures too. Where you live is maybe one of the only places in the world I would really want to visit and when you post pictures, its like I was there.

Well I had a major meltdown last night. I had some stuff that needed to go in the safe and my husband was putting it in there and I had put some money that Westley had paid me back from when he got in trouble and we had to bail him out of jail in there already. The top piece of money had "Mom" written on it in his big loopy handwriting. I had put it in the safe and I wanted to look at it, you know, just see it and hold it. I guess I either didn't put it in there, or it got mixed up with some other cash that we keep for emergencies and I couldn't find it. I looked all though the safe and most of that money is there, but the bill that he had written on was supposed to be on top and it was gone. I asked my husband if he made change out of any of the money or something like that and he said no, he never got in that stuff that I had put in there, and I'm sure he would tell me if he had, so I guess maybe I didn't put it in there or I did and just got it in the wrong place and used it for something. I can't believe I lost that and if I put it somewhere else, I can't remember doing it (not really that strange since I'm insane) and don't know where to begin looking for it. I cried and cried and he just looked at me because I guess he thought that I thought he lost it and that I was mad at him. I wasn't really mad at him, I was mad at me, mad at God, mad at the world because instead of my beautiful blue-eyed wonder, I have a 50 that says "Mom' on it in his hand, and I freaking lost even that. So I went and slept in the extra bedroom because I was afraid I would say something that would make me sorry before going to sleep, that's how I usually do it. We don't fight much, and when we do, I almost always start it like that. What I kept almost saying was "I know it doesn't bother you anymore, but I can barely breathe" and I know its not true. It does bother him (the part about barely breathing is true) and I know it does and accusing him of being over it would hurt like a bitch (which I felt like at the time, so I vacated the premises.) I looked in my nightstand, which is where it had been before I thought I put it in the safe, and if it is there, couldn't find it. Looked through a box of cards from Westley (more tears) found the essay he wrote when he was 12 called "My Life" and thought again that I was going to go from barely to not breathing. I've not shown it to my husband since I found it while cleaning out my daughter's room last year. Near the end, he says he wants to be like his Dad when he grows up because his Dad is responsible and hardworking and successful. So I dreamt last night of his 12 year old self. I don't remember a lot about it, but he was that age in the dream.

Yes, Dee the change of the season is getting to me and the holidays are looming large in the front windshield and I would like to sleep through them all. But it will be my grandson's first holidays and I can't do that to him or my daughter and son-in-law and granddaughter. But I will be glad when Thanksgiving and Christmas are in the rear-vew mirror and I've made it through them. Wishing my life away, yes indeed, such as it is. Guilty as charged.

[shorty16]

Morning indigos

The weather, again is BEAUtiful. Scott took down our playset in the back yard. Another phase of our life that is ending.

Rhonda, So sorry you cannot find that 50 dollar bill. It is amazing what such simple things can mean to us after our child is gone. We have a large shadow box that all of Brian's mementos (sp) go into. When we find new things, we set it ontop of the showbox. So hard to see those little things that hold huge memories.

I read posts on how people stay in their pj's all day - WOW. I work full-time plus and could not think of doing that during the week. Saturdays are spent doing this that could not get done during the week and Sunday - that is my lounge-lizard day.

Thinking of all my friends who walk this road with me.

Colleen

[daveydow1]

Rhonda----Sorry that you cannot locate the $50. bill with West's handwriting on it, saying "Mom".

I do know how upsetting that can be. I have been searching for the answering machine (old style,'

separate unit one) that has David's voice message on it. I found one unit, tried it out, and it was

not the right one.......(he had two of them)_ So, I am always on the lookout for the right one with

the message. Of course, I know that I won't find it when I am looking for it, but maybe I'll run across

it when I'm looking for something else. I do hope that you will happen to find it sometime. Nice

that you had a dream of your dear son at age 12.

Lorrie----Yep----'Off the couch' days are better than "On the couch', but we have to do what we

have to do to survive this lousy road we're on.

Trudi----Lovely pics you posted.----Thanks.

Sus-----Your writing says it all so well. Thanks for your post.

Carol---I am glad that we don't have hordes of squirrels. They can get to be a pain if they get

on the roof or in the attic. We had problems with that in the past at the other house.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[lolynbo]

WE HAVE CF TONIGHT FIRST TIME IN MONTHS....A GIRL PRIVATE MESS ME ON FB AND TOLD ME TO INVITE THE MOMMA HER DAUGHTER JUST DIED LAST WEEK IN CAR WRECK.....I TOLD HER I POSTED IT PUBLICALY (SP) ON FB (THE MOMMAS MY FRIEND) AND WHEN SHES READY SHE WILL COME..(THIS GIRL HASNT LOST A CHILD SO SHE HAS NO IDEA).....BUT MAYBE SHE WILL COME WHEN SHES READY...ALL I CAN DO IS POST..

JUST WANTED TO SCREAM...(IMAGINE THIS IS IN CAPITOL LETTERS AND BRIGHT ORANGE..BECAUSE BI WONT LET ME)

I HATE OCTOBER, I HATE NOVEMBER AND SURE AS HELL HATE DECEMBER....AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[dwsmithrn]

yes, rhonda....it's the little things that get to you....the big things, well, they are the BIG things that loom over you like a huge oak tree following you around in the dark of night and you feel you can't escape the large shadow that is about to scoop you up and gooble you up and you think you want to run, but on the other hand, 'ok, go ahead and eat me up, IDC...' i once thought i lost the 'worry stone' that nathan brought me from ireland last year, but i did find it. in the man time, i cried and cried and searched everywhere until i did find it. it is the sentimental value, the one thing that makes you feel close to your child, that makes you feel connected to that child. inanimate, or not, we NEED that one thing (or two, or three, matters not), we just NEED that object to feel the presence of our precious child....i don't have that much of nathan's things around me anymore.....when he moved into his own house, he took all of his belongings, even his childhood things from the attic, so i have very little of his things. i have things he has given to us and a few things we had given him we took from his house. just a few things i placed on his memorial table in the living room. it is a comfort to see them. i have a lamp on the table that has the 'saints' emblem on it....his favorite team (aside from ECU) and i turn the lamp on every morning and turn it off every night....talk to him all day long. he is there, on that table, his things are there, on that table....i am working on pictures to frame and hang above the table, just haveb't gotten that far yet. it is hard...it is very hard to look through pictures and decide which ones to hang for all to see.....i want to hang them ALL. i never want to forget any of them...

so, now that i got off track (just a bit)....i understand those little precious bits and pieces of our angels....a word written by our angel, a special something given to us by our angel, a voice recorded at an earlier time, an older text that we can hang on to.....those are the things that we much have, to hold on to, that we can hold close to our hearts and not lose site of where they came from......of course, from our little angels......i know, i know what that feels like.

i am so sorry that i cannot help anyone feel any peace right now....i am not feeling peace myself. i am worried sick about the hlidays coming up. i don't know what to do, how to do it, or if i can even do it. i have little ones around and i feel like i HAVE to do something....i know the older little ones have been doing the same things here for as long as they can remember and if i change it now, what will happen to their tradition? what will be wrong with their grandmother? will it never be fun at grandmother's house again? i am so torn, i don't know what to do.....i want to run away, but i don't know know how. my mom is coming here the day after christmas, so that won't be a problem. i just am beside myself....i really am a ball of fire and anyone can throw me in the pit and let me burn, IDC. it is so overwhleming.

anyone who tries to give advice or tell someone else what to do, where to go for help or how to feel who has never been down this road really deserves to be thrown in to the pit, themselves. it has happened to me a couple of times, lately. i am NOT OK with this....no ma'am, i am not.

well, ok, i better step off my soap box and bring it down a notch.....sorry my good peeps.....love you all.......diane

ps.....i have rad your posts and i am taking into consideration all of the ideas and suggestions about christmas.....i just might run away, if only for a couple of days. i think nathan of all people would understand......

[westleysmom]

Diane-I'm glad you found the worry stone, maybe I"ll find that $50 with MOM written on it. It worries me sometimes when I'm going crazy like that, that I dreamed it ever existed. I know it did, I think I had told you all about it once before when I put it in the safe. But then again, I think maybe I just thought that would be like him and it didn't really happen. Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind.

About the holidays, last year was bad. I tell you this not to discourage you, but to state the obvious. I think I wanted to believe that there was something I could do that would make them not suck and there wasn't and there isn't. What I'm trying to say is that believing that there is something magic you can do that will make it "all right" and not knowing what it is, and therefore not doing that unidentified magic thing that would make it "all right" puts the blame on you for it not being "all right" when in reality what is going to make these holidays suck has already happened and can't be changed and all you can do is try to make it through the best way you can. I am trying to convince myself that there is no magic thing that will make the holidays like they used to be. There may be certain things that I can do that will make them suck less than they otherwise would have, and I should do those things as they occur to me if I am able. But its not going to be the same, never going to be the same, and expecting it to be the same is a recipe for further disaster. The tv commercials and advertisements showing whole and happy and healthy families make us feel like failures, when in fact, most families are not like that at all. We are all just trying to get through this the best way we know how, and hopefully, it will be enough for our families. Hugs

[dwsmithrn]

huhhhhhh......what would i do without all of you......

[mikesmum]

Losing our kids annihilates our senses, shatters our well being and challenges us in ways we never imagined we could endure. I guess it goes to our need to know they existed, that we didn't dream that, we need proof be it a $50 note with their writing, a voice mail, a T-Shirt whatever, it means a lifeline from them to us.

When Mike died I wanted things he had touched, been attached to. Things that bought me good memories. His guitar is one. I fought hard to have it come 'home'. Its not one that he played often, but it has his fingerprints on it. That stays here with me as I type. Another thing I had that I had to fight Amanda for was an old stero from the '60s. It had been mum & dad's and Mike had loved it. It played 33's, 45's & 78's. I was obsessed, it had to be HERE WITH ME!

There was an epiphany of sorts last week. Looking through a local church thrift shop I saw another similar to mine. They sell them using the money to provide food, clothing toys etc to kids who would normally go without. 'Mikes' stereo was delivered there that afternoon. I felt such calm after that...I'd like to think that Mike took me there. He worked with children in crisis, who didn't have much and needed plenty..It does get easier.

Having said that, cards from him, school work, handmade pottery....well that's coming with me always....

As for the seasons, the holidays...well here it will be summer. Sunshine is good for the soul, being outside even though the ocean is miles away I close my eyes and see his face and while there is always that ache, I have my memories