Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

RIGHT ON KATHY!

Sus, I am so sorry for the lovely teacher now gone too soon. Prayers.

[Kimothy2121]

I lost my 2 and half year old son who we called Papas he passed way June 30th of 2011 since his passing I have been lost I have been walking around serching of something I don't know what I am looking for I miss my son so much time has not been kind to me more time passes the more I wish my life would just come to it's end .... Last night as I was laying in my bed my mind was racing so fast so many thoughts were going at once all of sudden I could smell him as I squeezed hid blakey it almost felt like it was him at the foot of my bed I seem something bleary at the same time I felt him like if he was in the room ... I feel like I am going crazy could he have came to me I have been asking him to guid me could he be watching me know I miss him so much he is my everything I just want to hold him last night felt like he was really in my arms ????

[lolynbo]

HUGGS TO YOU PAPAS LOVED ONE...HARD HARD ROAD YOUR ON, AND WERE ON...BUT SADLY YOU WILL SURVIVE.....IM ON MY 3RD YR WITH OUT MY KOURTNEY LYNN I FEEL LOST ALSO STILL, WANT TO TXT OR CALL OR WONDER WHY FOR A SPLIT SEC WHY SHE HASNT COME BY.....THEN I REMEMBER, SHES GONE...

WE ARE HERE FOR YOU SOME MORE THEN OTHERS (ME SADLY NOT ONE OF THE BEST)...BUT WE HAVE SOME AMAZING MEN AND WOMAN ON HERE...JUST LET THE KEYBOARD BE YOUR VOICE YELL KICK AND SCREAM AND CRY...WE SURE UNDERSTAND

[ericasmom]

Pappas, Yes, he could have been with you letting you know that he is always going to be around you just not the way we wish but still...somehow around you. I have felt Erica's presence and have seen little miraculous things when in the depths of despair as well, and I do feel she was letting me know that I had to still be here while she could not. We have all been where you are right now, those really early stages of grief where you really wonder why you need to be here at all, hang on please and let us know more and more about your Child and about your life. Hang on.

Lorri, I would say that you are a very good listener and responder.

[Guest msnher]

Papas' mommy (or daddy?) - I am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious little boy. I thought of you last night as I watched my 2 1/2 yr old grandson. I honestly don't know how we recover or learn to live without our children. I'm still figuring that out, myself. But, somehow, we do. We walk through the pits of hell, first, though. And, that is right where you are...in the pits of hell. Fortunately for us there are others who have been there before us. They hold a lantern showing us the way through. And, there is no way through but through. It is a horrible journey...but it is possible. Know you don't walk alone. We are here for you, walking WITH you. Do as Lorri said and use the keyboard as your punching bag. Dee is right, hold on. You will learn how to breath again without constant pain. Please tell us about your little boy.

[shorty16]

Kathy

I second that motion!!!

Well Put

Colleen

[kmb22]

Edit

[westleysmom]

I'm so far behind I'm sure I've missed more than DAVEY'S Birthday, but Happy Belated to you Davey! Sherry I hope the day was kind to you.

Saw the pictures of Brendan's playground. I'm sure he's smiling down on all the fun that will be had there. He's so proud of his family for making something good come out of something painful.

Just very busy at work and home and leaving today for Lexington KY for another meeting. I'm not a good traveler, I mostly like to be at home. I'll be back Friday, though and that will pretty much be it for me for a while, at least I hope so. I haven't been on since the night last week when I managed to tell someone about Westley who had no idea. He was a speaker at our event and asked me how many children I had. Somebody else asked me that later and got the answer two and no details, but this man seemed to really want to know and I thought he could handle it. I told him I had a daughter and a son, but my son passed away last year. He paled and said he was so sorry he brought it up, but I told him it was okay, I think of it all the time, so he didn't really "remind" me of it. We talked for a while, he was very kind and didn't ask for details.I told him later that I don't always tell people when they ask, but was trying to learn how to do it without crying and he told me I did very well. It seems that the busyness of the last few weeks has allowed me to move to a different place, maybe not much different, but I have been thinking about all the bad things that happen all the time and that when they happen to someone else, which is the case most of the time, they still happened to SOMEBODY. Somebody has to personally bear all the bad stuff that we read about and hear on the radio and tv. I guess misery loves company, and its not that I want bad things to happen to somebody else, but just the realization that I was not singled out for pain and loss, that its part of the human condition, and I should not be surprised if it happened to me or if it happens again. It still feels like betrayal of Westley to "accept" what happened, I'll never accept that it had to happen, while at the same time trying to accept that it did happen. I know you know what I mean. I think of you all every day and send you all happy thoughts when I have them, which is more often than it used to be.

[Guest msnher]

Rhonda, you have the ability to put my emotions, experience and opinions into words. I love the way you write! Yes to all you said.

[shorty16]

Rhonda

I totally get what you are saying.

The "Acceptance" part of this grief journey (for me) is not acceptance that a 16 year old, perfectly healthy, boy is dead by car-surfing (I just cannot wrap my mind around that), it is the acceptance of the life I have, because of my son's death.

I learned that from Trudi.

That, to me, makes the acceptance part a bit easier. I will never understand the facts surrounding Brian's death, just the one fact that he is dead.

Thanks

Colleen

[dwsmithrn]

rhonda and colleen....i always think there is something terribly 'wrong' with me because i refuse to accept it....i just refuse and that maybe what is hindering my grief...??? maybe? i still feel stifled in some strange stage that i can't get out of.....i don't know what is normal and what is not normal. i know that it is real, but it doesn't feel real and i don't want to accept it, so i guess maybe i am in continual 'denial'....at 8 months now, i still wake up and hope it was a really bad dream, like the worst nightmare i have ever had. but, now, i realize that it is real life....a terrible real life. i have to somehow find a way to get out of bed and live this life....really? THIS life? i hate it....i hate it....i hate it....i have had some really bad days as of late...and maybe it's just that i hit 8 months on the 21st. maybe another one of those so called 'layers' has peeled away and i am trying to deal with it. i don't know.

dee.....thank you for the complement....really? a young 56? wow, now that was nice to hear....i look in the mirror and i still see at least 100 y/o staring back at me. i don't feel like wearing make up since nathan left me....i don't feel that i am worthy of looking any better or deserving of anything because i failed my child. i don't think i should try to make myself feel better because i am a failure as a mother. i have lost all confidence i ever had....and i was a type-A, OCD....now, i am a nothing, a complete 0.....an IDC.....

i went out with my daughter today and for the first time since january actually had a real talk with her about nathan.....she allowed it for the first time. i had been crying this morning....i read some recent posts on nathan's facebook page and left one of my own....then on the way to her house heard amazing grace, which was the first song on his home-made CD that was left on his player in his house the day he left....so, naturally, it makes me cry...so by the time i got to her house, i was really revved up.....we talked about all that and she said that she is feeling more sad and missing him more as time goes by. she said it is getting worse for her instead of better. i can't believe she finally said these things to me outloud....i was really proud of her....to tell me how she really felt. it was a major break through.

i am so sorry to hear about pappas....i am sorry you have to be here....we are here for you and are 'holding' your hand....you can lean on us....it is a very hard journey and life-long one at that. you just know that we are here to listen and help you get through this terribly tough time. it will take a very long time.....but you have found the right place with the best people on earth.

thanks for letting me share today....just having a rough time, (once again). guess there is just no easy way to go through this.....

i vote for the free spin or a free pass

if there is a get-together in the works....count me in, please.....i would love it.

good thoughts to all......love, diane

[Guest msnher]

Diane, I wish I could say something to make you feel better and all I've got is "I've said the same words you've said". That might be scarier than not. I was the queen of vanity before Steph died, now I just don't give a damn. Somedays I do...but, mostly I don't. I also felt like a failure as a mother, but I don't so much these days. However, my sister whose son killed himself 20 yrs ag Oct 1st, still wrestles with self loathing. I think it's just a normal part of grief. That made me feel better in those early months - to find out I was normal as far as grief goes. I'm glad you and your daughter were able to share your pain with each other. My youngest daughter and Stephanie were quite close. She would get so mad at others for not listening to her pain, but everytime she started to "feel" she would change the subject. It took a long time for her to be able to talk about it. I, too, hate this. We all hate this. For the first time in my life, after Stephanie died, my world went grey. There was no more color. Yet, the color has returned...and it is more vibrant than ever. You are doing great, Diane. As awful as that sounds, you are going to make it (even though everything in you screams that you have no right to make it, you do).

Hugs to you!

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's, I;ve been keeping busy but do stop in to read. I start to write and stop. Sometimes there are no words. Rhonda, I too was asked about my children recently. Pausing for a moment I remembered what someone shared here when asked the question so I replied, I have one surviving daughter; Sarah. My son died. The woman I was speaking to did acknowledge my pain and grief stating that at the 2 year,9 month mark, it had not been long. She didn't ask any further questions. I did not offer.

Brendan's playground does look like fun and wonderful that so many people offered to help.

Diane, great pictures. Thanks for sharing. The group looks like you have all known each other for some time and in a manner of speaking, I guess you have.

Lorri, sorry to hear of the missing items at the cemetery. When I first joined BI you were after the people with the dogs that ran wild. Its always something isn;t it.

Colleen, your fair days sound like fun too. The memory of the good times with Brian and his friends while in quiet reflection that surrounds your time at the fair , mingled with the new , sometimes so conflicting ,myself, I take the time to feel and walk on. Maybe that’s how it will always be.

Dee, how are the students these days? Lots of interesting events occurring in outer-space. Do the cosmos affect our behavior to the extreme on days?

Kathy,great pictures of Tavian. He has such a nice,glowing smile.

Not much going on really. My dad is back home where he wished to be. Hospice is there 6days a week. As far as How Long, I don't know. I call and ask if he needs anything. Usually a vanilla milkshake from Micky D's. I take one over and we watch a little TV. A pawn shop show and something about 2 men that drive around trying to get great deals on antiques, last night.

My brother was up from FL. Didn't see much of him. He was off to VT and back down the east coast.

My cousin did have her daughters 3^rd birthday party here. I must say that I managed much better then last year . Last year I probably melted into a corner. This year was different. I got involved. She is a sweet girl, Grace Marie.

Kathy,Sherry,Susannah,Betty,Trudi,Carol..everyone, hope this day finds you well,even for a second.

[ericasmom]

Betsy, good to see you and glad that the birthday party went well.

Rhonda, good to see you too, and that the travel is almost done. I am glad that you told the man about Westley, it is like practicing when we decide to share with someone about our loss. Big step really.

I guess the way I have always felt is I have two children, I will always have two children, but Erica had to leave early. As we approach Jonathan and Shannon's wedding date in November, I keep feeling the bitter that ERi is not present in the flesh for this event. I know how she loved a big party, I know how she loved her Bro and that she would love Shannon, she would be in the wedding, but she won't be there where we can see that pretty creamy skin, the bluegreen eyes and spray of freckles, those big hands and long legs. We won't see that big grin shining out, but she will be represented with some pink flowers and there will be a reading for all those we love and can't be there. I know she will be there, just not the way we wish she could attend.

I am missing ERi a lot.

Diane, you may feel a failure, but I really do not think your Son does or ever did. He loves you fully.

Tony, Brenden's park is so wonderful the photos capture the energy of those who came out for the big day. Jackson is beautiful, really beautiful and is carrying his Bro with him everywhere he goes.

Peace Out

[dwsmithrn]

sus...thanks for acknowledging my feelings....i didn't think i was so alone, but sometimes it just feels like it....here, all alone....no one else around me to share this heartache....i know i have all of you, but sitting here at home, i am basically all alone.....i know my hubby knows sort of, what i am going through and tries so hard but, it's not quite the same....but, bless it, he sure tries.....every day, sometimes every minute, i can have a different emotion....or just a start crying for no reason at all....or think of nate and smile, then start crying. it is all such a roller coaster as some of you have told me before. you are oh so right on about that.

i just want to jump off, but it goes too fast to do that. funny, that roller coaster goes so fast, but the days are slow and the nights slower, and yet you still can't jump off that damn roller coaster.....what the hell? sorry about the 'words'....just really feeling low today.

i will try to refrain myself.... see, i know i am losing it....

i am going to go get a haircut in a bit, maybe that will calm me down just a little....i sure hope so......

again, sorry for the ranting.......later...diane

[Guest msnher]

NO need to apologize for ranting, Diane! Rant on. Hell, this is the place to do it! I'm impressed that you can even sit for a hair cut. I couldn't. I did manage to stand still long enough to shave my own head to about 1/2 inches all over. Dumb move. I don't recommend it.

[mikesmomrs]

Hello to everyone...first off...I am so sorry, Sherry, that I was not on yesterday and didn't wish Davey a happy birthday...

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY DAVEY....your wonderful parents have insured that your memory stays alive...please surround them with your sweet spirit and let them know that you are aware of their remembering and caring. I send my love and strength to you and your hubby, Sherry, as always.

There have been so many good posts in just the last day or two...so many words of comfort and strength posted to each other...each of us has said, at one time or another, and again and again, that being here has saved us...that is SO true, and I welcome those who are new, especially Papas' (mommy daddy). I am so very sorry that anyone has ever had a need to find us, but when someone does, I know that they are reaching out to people who truly care and understand. Please, tell us about your sweet little one...and yes, I agree with Dee, your little precious boy was letting you know that he is indeed still with you, and always will be. I find such comfort in the signs I receive from our son (Mike, who died of brain cancer, on Oct 14 2006, at the age of 31), and they do reassure me that he is indeed just on the other side of that veil...always there.

Diane: I am so very glad for you and your daughter that she was able to finally let you know her feelings...sharing the love we had and the memories that live on in our hearts, and yes, even sharing the sadness, does indeed help us to be able to breathe when we need to. Our older daughter was very much into not talking about Mike for nearly two years after he died, and it was only last year that she truly began to understand and allow herself to recognize the signs that have come her way, and let us know that they do indeed comfort her. While you may indeed not be OCD any longer and right now are just IDC, you are truly, truly, NOT "0." You are a grieving mom, lost in her pain, trying to be there for your loved ones, moving ahead a step or two, falling back a step or three, but you are moving through your gried, as Sus says, the only way through it is through it...we have all learned that. A sad lesson, for sure, but one that finally allows us to recognize that this journey is not normal, that we are not normal (and never will be again) as by the standards of the rest of the world, but as to the standards of our world, we are normal...normal in whatever we do to try to bring ourselves through this pain, to walk this journey. I do agree with Dee, and I have seen you in person, you are a very young looking 56...even without makeup, etc.

Betsy: I am sorry about your dad, but glad that you are able to visit and keep him company for a bit. I know that your feelings are conflicted, but I think that you are doing what you can in the way you can handle it. I am sorry that your brother felt it was okay to just "drop in" and then take off like that.

Rhonda: I am glad that you were able to tell the man you met about Westley and to talk about it with him. I am also glad that he was receptive to you, And, i agree with Susannah, who said "Rhonda, you have the ability to put my emotions, experience and opinions into words. I love the way you write! Yes to all you said."

Betty: thank you for posting and letting us know how things are going...we all know the feeling of not being able to post, etc., and we understand completely. Our love and support go out to you, as always, all the time.

Colleen: I don't remember if I've already posted this or not, but since you mentioned it again, and asked if others had experienced the same thing, I wanted to let you know that I, too, had that "going through my body" feeling after Mike died...it was not right away...it was a short while after I had returned to work (maybe like a couple of weeks or so after Mike died)...on my way there one day, I was thinking about Mike, crying, pounding the steering wheel, and wondering how all of this "works" as in, where are they exactly, are they with us, or what, and all of a sudden I felt this rush through my chest area, right around where my heart is, came from the back, out through the front, and it was like a "whoosh", taking my breath with it as it left my body. It was so real that I actually spun my head to the left, in the direction of where I believe it went, and I truly believed at the time and still do believe that it was Mike's spirit. It is a feeling that I will never, ever forget. Thank you for sharing yours. I am glad that you were able to have some fun at the fair, and we all know how those new memories we are making can mingle with the old ones, and the bittersweet feelings fill us.

Tony: the playground...beautiful, awesome gift to all of those who will use it...what a wonderful turnout you had...many people supporting you, helping you, and loving you, and in turn, loving Brendan. Jackson looked so cute, helping to make this come about. A memory he will hold close, and as he grows older, he will be reminded of it by the beautiful playground.

I have some other things I wanted to say, but have to leave now...Ralph is having an epidural spinal injection today, and we need to leave soon. I pray that all goes well with him...the injections he had in his knee and shoulder last month worked wonderfully, and I pray this does the same. I had the same type of injection in '05 and it was a tremendous help. Be back later....

[shorty16]

Diane

I am a little more than 3 years into this grief journey. When I was at 8 months, I was still bargaining with God to take me instead of my son. I was still wrestling with driving off a bridge instead of driving home. I still hated myself for not being able to keep my son alive. This "acceptance" is such a broad term. This does not come easy, but it does come.

I will never accept how Brian died, just that he is dead. That took over 2.5 years for me.

You have every right to feel the way you feel. To hate this new life. I hate it also, but I have enough time under my belt to start to make decisions concerning our life without Brian. At 8 months, no way could I do that.

No two grief journeys are the same. You have every right to your feelings and thanks for sharing them with us.

Colleen

[Kimothy2121]

Thank you for everyone's kind words ... I am Papas mom I was at work when he passed away I got up that morning of June 30th of 2011 kissed my baby on his head like I always did when I would wake up and of corse he would still be sleeping only baby I ever knew to sleep late .., I had to leave that morning to set up our new apartment so he didn't see me that day as I set up our new place I had to also work that day so I just got ready there I left to work and well I had to be in 2pm I got that phone call no parent would ever want to get my son father called said something happened and my son was in the hospital and was not breathing I tried to get there as fast as I could but I was so emotional I took the wrong exit it by the time I got there my sons father was outside of the hospital and ran up to me and told me he was gone .... I could not believe that I was so mad I yelled at him told him he was not telling me the truth I had to see him they let me see him but told me not to touch him they didn't let me hold him for the last time he looked like he was sleeping so beautiful I kissed him so many times I asked him to wake up but nothing ... His father told me that he took him and my other son to the new place to finsh setting up my dad was in town to see the boys so he was there too I guess my baby found a screw that was not ours it was left behind and put the in his mouth his father and my dad tried to take it out did everything they tell you to do in CPR classes the hospital told us it was so stuck in there there used fourseps to take it out I still live in the place he passed away in I had just started working when this happen my first time going back since his birth I had already felt bad I always felt I should be with him ...,,

[dwsmithrn]

kimberlie.....i know you are so devastated and heart broken....papas is so adorable....this is such a very hard and sad time and as you have read in many of the posts, we are changed forever. i am so sorry you lost your precious son. there is nothing i can say to take your pain away. just know that i am thinking of you and reaching for your hand. thank you for sharing your story with us. we would love to hear more about papas....he is so cute and when you are ready, i am sure you have some very cute stories about him to share, but only when you feel ready. take care of yourself.....diane

[dwsmithrn]

colleen, carol and sus.....thanks.....i am glad to know that i am somewhat 'normal', or as 'normal' as i can be on this nasty 'journey'...(i hate that word)....but, it is what it is. if it were called something else, i would hate that word, too. i can see that this is going to be a very long road. i am so thankful i have my indigo family to help me through this. it is so true, i would not still be here if not for you. i can't remember how or why i found you, but i think it was my friend in so. africa, who lost his son 5 years ago to suicide, who recommended the site to me. and he is still having a rough time, too. we e-mail back and forth, but he wasn't fond of this type of group site, although he thought it was a good one. he is just very private. i plan to remain on this site forever....because that is how long i will need you...forever.

[dwsmithrn]

betsy....glad you liked the pics....it feels like i have known you all for a very long time....i feel bonded to all of you through the heart. i look forward to the day when we all can meet....that would be wonderful.....

[Kimothy2121]

Thank you Diane for your replye ... I love to talk about him talking is no the hard part for me it's day to day life without him talking about makes me feel as if he is still with me like he is right here smiling and laughing being silly like always he was like a lil man 2 going on 22 I say nights I would get off late he would always stay up waiting for me he needed my hair to fall asleep he would pull it all night always sleeping on to of my head lol I never got good sleep he took over my bed but I love him being there we are so close we always had this bond something about him was just so attracting people were drawn to him he had grown friends his fathers co works love to be around him he was very grown for his age lol what mother dosent think they child is great I have so many pic of him in all them he is so happy this look like yeah I am the baby and loved the videos I have of him are funny I love to watch them thinking of him dose both makes me down and has me smile just like he always did that lil boy is so strong had been there such he is a fighter I can't believe this happened my heart always went out to anyone who lost a child and now I feel what those before me feel and now I look up to you these people are the strongest people there is no one wants to be like this but the people who have and are those people are who I look up to now who I am trying to be like strong like them ,..,

[Guest msnher]

Hugs to you Kimberlie. I can only echo what Diane has already said. Thank you for telling us about your precious little boy. I love reading about all the angels here. When I first joined, about two years ago, I would stay up all night reading about all the angels whose parents are on this site. I couldnt' remember anything I read, but it brought me much comfort finding out about all the other angels. This site literally saved my life. It gave me a place to "talk" cry, yell and scream without judgment. Once a very active, organized woman, I could no longer function after the death of my daughter, either. The day to day living is what kicks our butt. Living is what kicks our butt. The most important thing that was said to me after Stephanie died was not to let anyone else tell me how to grieve. I am glad you found us and you are welcome to share as much or as little as is comfortable with you. How old is your surviving child (son?)? Have you returned to work? How is that going for you? Are you able to sleep? Eat? Is your family supportive/understanding? No pressure to answer anything...just some things to discuss if you are up to talking. I wish you some peace, if only for a moment...the moments will get longer.

[aim630]

Kimberlie-I am sorry you have a reason to be here, but I'm glad you found us. Please tell us more about Papas when you can. It helps to talk and we all understand. My 23 yr old daughter Ashley died 2-9-10 from complications of H1N1. It seems unreal most days.

A coworker told me she told her husband not to get a flu shot, it would make him sick. I told her if the H1N1 flu shot had been available before Ashley got sick, she would still be here today. Bad subject to bring up with me. She is only 25 the same age Ashley would be in November. In fact it is 2 yrs ago this week when Ashley first got sick.

I dreamed of her last night. First she was still in the hospital, but sitting up and talking. I knew she really shouldn't be there, but somehow she was. Later in the dream, I looked out the window, and saw her at six years old, smiling and waving. Wish I would wake up and find this had all been a nightmare, not real...

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Kimothy2121]

Msnher my older son is 8 years old and I am sad to say the he watched his lil brother pass away ... Yes I did go back to work 3 weeks and some days after what happen that was the longest they can give me cuz I just started work there I was there only 2 months some of my co works showed up to his rosary and ever started a collection to help out with money cuz I didn't get payed for my time I was gone ... Being back so early is hard but I hard no choice I had to go back but I can say I work with very good people who try to keep me up and who listen and some had shared story's with me 2 of my co workers lost grandchildren ... Sleep is hard I can't sleep I am very tired every day but can't sleep ... I didn't eat for the first 3 weeks I eat very little I have lost so much wight people see me and say you look good which up sets me very much ... My family try's to understand they are supportive they love him too and they miss him too i lived with my mom for almost a year and the day I moved out is the day this happened I see pain in my mother but she says it for me that yes she misses the Papas but she knows he is in a good place her worry is for me that I am her child and she sees me in so much pain and hurt and she can't do anything ... I love my baby boy and miss him so much I really can't think of anything else

[Kimothy2121]

Aim630 I believe she came to you in your dream to let you know she's ok and doing well ... Thank you for you words they mean alot right now I am having a hard time every end of the month it seems like and I guess with holidays and his birthday is 12/22 he was my gift on Christmas he came early a month early he stayed in the hospital only a week ...

[Tweetymm125@aol.com]

<br /><font face="Comic Sans MS"><font size="4"><font color="#0000ff">rhonda and colleen....i always think there is something terribly 'wrong' with me because i refuse to accept it....i just refuse and that maybe what is hindering my grief...??? maybe?  i still feel stifled in some strange stage that i can't get out of.....i don't know what is normal and what is not normal.  i know that it is real, but it doesn't feel real and i don't want to accept it, so i guess maybe i am in continual 'denial'....at 8 months now, i still wake up and hope it was a really bad dream, like the worst nightmare i have ever had.  but, now, i realize that it is real life....a terrible real life.  i have to somehow find a way to get out of bed and live this life....really?  THIS life?   i hate it....i hate it....i hate it....i have had some really bad days as of late...and maybe it's just that i hit 8 months on the 21st.  maybe another one of those so called 'layers' has peeled away and i am trying to deal with it.  i don't know.  <br />dee.....thank you for the complement....really?  a young 56?  wow,  now that was nice to hear....i look in the mirror and i still see at least 100 y/o staring back at me.   i don't feel like wearing make up since nathan left me....i don't feel that i am worthy of looking any better or deserving of anything because i failed my child.  i don't think i should try to make myself feel better because i am a failure as a mother.  i have lost all confidence i ever had....and i was a type-A, OCD....now, i am a nothing,  a complete 0.....an IDC.....<br />i went out with my daughter today and for the first time since january actually had a real talk with her about nathan.....she allowed it for the first time.  i had been crying this morning....i read some recent posts on nathan's facebook page and left one of my own....then on the way to her house heard amazing grace, which was the first song on his home-made CD that was left on his player in his house the day he left....so, naturally, it makes me cry...so by the time i got to her house, i was really revved up.....we talked about all that and she said that she is feeling more sad and missing him more as time goes by.  she said it is getting worse for her instead of better.  i can't believe she finally said these things to me outloud....i was really proud of her....to tell me how she really felt.  it was a major break through.  <br />i am so sorry to hear about pappas....i am sorry you have to be here....we are here for you and are 'holding' your hand....you can lean on us....it is a very hard journey and life-long one at that.  you just know that we are here to listen and help you get through this terribly tough time.  it will take a very long time.....but you have found the right place with the best people on earth.  <br />thanks for letting me share today....just having a rough time, (once again).   guess there is just no easy way to go through this.....<br />i vote for the  free spin or a free pass <br />if there is a get-together in the works....count me in, please.....i would love it.   <br />good thoughts to all......love, diane <br /><br /> <br /><br /></font></font></font><br />

<br /><br /><br />

[summergirl]

Kimberlie - I am so very sorry for the loss of your Pappas.....this is the hardest thing you will ever do and it will take lots of time, lots of tears, lots of "whys" .....and the missing, wanting will never cease but you will find your way.....I welcome you but hate that you have to be here like the rest of us. Please keep coming and talking and sharing your son with us.....I lost my daughter Jessica at age 26 on Feb 18, 2006...I am 5 and 3/4 years into this journey and I miss my girl as much today as the day she left but I also have life again, I smile, laugh and live, it is a different life but a life. I understand how angry you get when someone says "oh, you lost weight, you look great" - and all you want to do is scream at them "I lost weight becuase I lost my child....what is wrong with you???" Oh sweetie, you will hear many "stupid things" along this journey but you will also find wonderful people like those here.....stay with us...

Diane, you never have to say you are sorry, you should know that by now, this is the place to do all of those things we long to do but do not always have the opportunity in our day to day life. I for one love it when one of us really "lets go"....it is good for the soul and really lets the pressure off. I do not know how we do what we do, I still do not believe that I have been so long without my Jessica girl, I miss her every day and I still have the "drop to my knees, sobbing, I hate this" breakdowns and I suppose that will never end....but I am now in a place where I have life again, I enjoy most days and other days not so much.....I am blessed to have had 26 years and I am blessed with Tavian.....I am blessed to have found all of you and count you as my family......Hugs to you

Tonight we went fishing again (suprise - lol) but started to rain so came home and started dinner.....Tavian wanted to help so I let him peel the potatoes and told him to be careful not to hurt himself and he said "yes, mother"........I did not say a word, just went about fixing the meatballs but my heart was racing and my mind was saying "it is ok, he can say that to me, he needs to and Jessica understands"......I know I should not feel guilty because he calls me Mother or mommy once in awhile but my thoughts go right to Jessica and I want to tell her "I am sorry, it is ok, he knows who his mommy is"........just call me crazy woman.....

I love the pics of the playground and Jackson......what a wonderful thing to do.....makes me smile and breaks my heart at the same time.

Lesson learned tonight - make sure the burner is OFF on the stove before you decide to pick it up to clean it......burnt finger tips are not fun and really hurts !!!! Good night to all of you here, know that I am thinking of you even though I am not as good as some of those here who can reply to each and every post and know just what to say.....so I let them talk for me.....lol Love, strength and prayers, Kathy

[Tweetymm125@aol.com]

I know how you feel I was so extra sad today It has been almost 2 years but I just can't find myself My friend at Work. Said. what is a matter? I sad I am just real sad I get sick and tired that people look at me strange As if to say Well it's been two years you should get over it They do not have clue because they still have their kids It just hurts extra bad because my Birthday is next week I get so tired of trying to explain to people that I am not a freak because I mourn my son I just get so angry I feel alone I cry alone because. God forbid I show any emotion it just sucks I went to the cemetery and put a Miami Doplphins ballon on the grave it just shouldn't be this way Rob should be hear for my Birthday next week This sucks All because of drugs My son always told me that if anything happened to him he wouldn't want anyone to cry He would want people to have fun if it was my choice I wouldn't be here anymore but I have to be here for my daughter and family I would never kill myse

F and put people thru the living hell of miissing me I hate this new lifei am writing sloppy because I am siting here crying My good friend lost a friend to a car accident three days ago and that same day she lost another friend because her friends fiancée killed herself a few hrs later and the girls mom was on the way over to console her daughter and found her dead it is so sad

I try to be thankful that I still have a beautifull daughter left and family but it still hurts so bad

Robs mom

[ericasmom]

Kim, Papas is beautiful and the smile he has is much like yours. I am so sorry for what you are dealing with, for this giant hole in your lives. How is your older Son doing now? Is his school giving him some time with a social worker or anyone of help? I am glad that you have co-workers who care, that makes a big difference but sorry that you had to go back so soon. How is your Son's Dad doing with this grief. Are the two of you able to talk and cry together? There is nothing easy about any of this. Please try to make sure that you are drinking plenty of water and juice to keep yourself hydrated, tears and worry and lack of sleep tend to dehydrate us. Try to eat tiny meals wtih some protein every few hours, a cracker with cheese, a yogurt...little meals to help you not get overly rundown. Grief zaps our immune system so you need to make sure that you are taking care of that. I don't mean to be bossy, it is the older mom in me. My Daughter ERica died over 8 years ago, she was 19. So I have been here a long time and I try to make sure that folks know tht while these early months are the very hardest to live through, there is a reason and that you need to take care of yourself. I am holding onto you as Diane said, hoping that somehow you begin to feel a bit surrounded by others who really get it. We are here. I hope that you will get some sleep tonight.

Peace,

[Guest msnher]

I was hoping you give some of your suggestions on how to take care of ourselves through grief, Dee.

Diane, I am just so, so sorry you have reason to be here at all. This may be the only club in the world where we are sad to get new members. Not because you aren't welcome, but because we wouldn't wish this on our worst enemy.

[Tweetymm125@aol.com]

<br />Aim630 I believe she came to you in your dream to let you know she's ok and doing well ... Thank you for you words they mean alot right now I am having a hard time every end of the month it seems like and I guess with holidays and his birthday is 12/22 he was my gift on Christmas he came early a month early he stayed in the hospital only a week ...<br />

<br /><br /><br />

[Tweetymm125@aol.com]

[quote name=

'Robs Mom' timestamp=1317173895' post='79047]<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />

I. Am so sorry abbot you losing your beautiful boy

May God keep him safe in his arms and hold him tight You are in my prayers

[shorty16]

Sus

Not only is this a club where we are sad to welcome new members, but the membership dues are very high and you can never leave this club.

Colleen

[shorty16]

Kimberlie

I second the welcome to this site, but so sad you have to be here. The circumstances surrounding Pappa's death are heartbreaking.

On 6-19-2008, my son Brian decided to climb on the hood of a car. Then his "friend" decided to drive 68 mph in a 25mph zone. His friend lost control and hit a tree. Brian flew off and hit the ground. Brian was dead within minutes. The driver is now a convicted felon for killing one of his best friends. The crash scene is 1/4 mile from our home.

I know I am living a nightmare. But it is here that I feel I can share my story without the looks of horror staring back at me. Knowing that these people on this site GET IT. They know my pain and accept me for who I have become, because of Brian's death.

We have 2 other children, now 17 and 21. It was so hard seeing the pain they were in and not being able to just hug-it-away.

I am also hoping that you and your husband can talk about this. That is so important. The night Brian died, I looked at Scott and said "We cannot blame each other for this." "This whole thing is insane." Since then, we have not blamed each other. I could not have come up with a story like this.

Please share your son with us. Take care of yourself.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

True, Colleen. And, as many of us have said before, we feel our angels brought us together. I'm not glad that any of our children died but I couldn't ask for a better group of people to walk with.

[Kimothy2121]

Thank you everyone for your replys ... Me and my son father try to stick together but I am sad to say it's me who is angry he try's to do everything he can but sometimes I just want to be left alone even the fact the my baby boy passed away in his arms I wish it was me that was there I should have been there to let him know it's ok to make him feel safe it's alot of things all I one really bottom point I miss my son like crazy we are so close my son and I and to not have him around it's like I am dead inside .... Mornings and nights the whole day is bad my heart gose out to all of you and I wish I could say comforting things to you too but I am lost at the moement but I do understand all of you on what you feel and I hate that I do I wish non of us did....

[Brendan's Daddy]

Kimberly. I am so sorry to hear of your tragic loss. I wish there was more I could say or do to help you. Reading your posts is heartbreaking because I have been where you are and still struggle each and every day. My 7 year old boy was killed in a tragic accident. I also was not home when it happened and was not there to hold my boy when he took his final breathe. My 5 year old son was also there at the scene and had to watch his big brother die. The only thing I can tell you is that I believe with all of my heart that all of our children are safe in God's arms. I have seen so many things and had a number of signs that just have to be signs from above. I know that our children are safe, it is just the living without them that is so difficult.

Praying for you.

Brendan's daddy - Tony

[ericasmom]

Kim, so very hard to find ways to still breathe and sleep and live in the days that are here. How does one do it? We do it, and nobody really knows how exactly except that we somehow see that for what ever purpose on Earth, we are still supposed to be here. Prayers for you and your family. THere are some good books out there that may lend some help to you, one such book is called, THE WORST LOSS written by two Moms who both lost a Child. Did you eat anything of substance today? Try.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Kim. I did want to mention one more thing. I saw Dee ask you about eating. Trust me I was in the same boat. I was around 185 pounds the day we lost Brendan. I dropped all the way to 149 and it happened extremely fast. I know it is easier said than done, but please try to eat. It was very hard for me to put the weight back on. Even after nearly 10 months I still only weigh around 169 or 170. I think the stress our bodies are under cause us to burn so many calories. We need to try to eat as much as we can because our body needs it.

[shorty16]

Tony

So glad to see you posting today.

I looked at the photos of the playground for your son and they are AWESOME. What a great group of friends you have to show up (in the rain) and help to finish this playground.

I have been thinking so much about your son, Jackson and how he begs you to bring Brendan back from heaven. I told my husband, Scott about this and his reply is worth repeating.

Scott said "I do not even understand or believe that our son is dead, how can a 6 year old be expected to understand."

That just about sums it up.

Take care my friend.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Kimothy2121]

Tony and Dee nice to see true caring people yes I had an egg this morning with a glass of milk my Papas favorit meal he could eat that anytime of the day I talk to him everyday we have his ashes on top of this book shelf I made just for him that has pictures and his feet prints I tried to put 2 years of things on that one book shelf Tony may I ask what happen to your son and your younger son how is he doing this morning I seen my older boy Malik look at the book shelf of all his pictures which he seen alot of times but he was looking at them as it was the first time and to tell the truth I don't know how to talk to him when he crys I have to send his father in there to talk to him I just can't I have read a book the grieving garden people in that book talked about how close there are to there children that are still alive but I feel a wall yes I watch them closely but I can't be very affectionit with them I always just send there father to do it sometimes I can't even look my son in his eye he tells me it was his fault Papas passed and he want to find a way to bring him back so I can be happy again I do tell him it's not his fault and he is very good big brother and Papas loves him so much but my son still blames himself for not saving him ...

[dwsmithrn]

hi all....i DO NOT KNOW what is happening to me .....the last 5-6 days i feel like i am back in the first 1-3 weeks .....i am hysterical....i cry...sob actually at anything....i can't eat or sleep again....i don't want to do anything, but stay in my bed....i did do a little laundry, but only because i HAD to....i did go get my previously scheduled haircut yesterday....she is a good friend and knew nathan, so she always closes her door and gives me privacy while i am there.

but i do not know what has knocked me backwards so much....i knew there would be times, but this, really? yes, really. i don't want it to be true....i actually got on his facebook page for the first time yesterday and read and read....on hind site, i can see his ups and downs....i should have been on facebook a year ago, but i wasn't.....i should have been there for him, but i wasn't....i want to know why others around him didn't see some kind of change in him....how could he hide his depression so well? how did i not see this coming? even some of the things he wrote were so deep and soul-searching...someone should have questioned him or gone to him and asked him if he needed some help....someone???!!!! god help my soul.....i cannot....

my sister who does not understand any of this, called today.....she asked if i was ok.....no, dumb s--t...i am not....i told her i read his FB page and she said why?....i told her i wanted to know more about my son....she said why, doesn't that just make you sad again?.....AGAIN????? WTF...? again....what is her deal....? doesn't she know i am still sad and will always be sad? she is totally clueless and that is why i can't even bring up his name to her....she doesn't want to hear it, talk about him, let me talk about him. or even cry about him....i have lost a good relationship with a sister as well.....and that makes me even more sad.....

i am so useless to anyone these days.

there is a shadow that hangs over me again....it sems to follow me everywhere.....i am going to counseling tomorrow....i will tell her about it....

diane

[Guest msnher]

Diane - I'm so sorry! Up and down. Ebb and flow. Hills and valleys...sometimes, a lot of times....Mountains and sink holes. When I was at the same time frame as you I journaled, "I have bad days and worse days...there are no okay days. There are some moments of peace, but then the awareness that she's gone hits me with such sharp precision I almost wish there was no relief. The pain takes me by complete surprise and that, in itself, is painful, too." This is just part of the deal. It sucks. As for your sister.....My eldest sister lost a husband and two sons. Her husband and 2 yr old son drowned with I was 14. He surviving 18 yr old son killed himself 20 yrs ago this Saturday. I had sympathy and compassion for her (as well as my own grief over the losses) but there was NO way I knew what she was going through until Stephanie died. She became my biggest source of comfort after Steph's accident....because she knew. Stephanie had only been dead a couple of days and my house was full of people and I was trying to find pictures, write an obituary and be halfway pleasant to the people visiting (or at least grateful that they showed up). I couldn't DO IT anymore and went in my room. She came in with me and sat on bed, rubbing my back, as I sunk into a pile on my floor sobbing. I kept telling her how sorry I was that I had no idea what she was going through. "I know, Sis, and there's no way you could." She then told me how sorry she was that I had to know now. I'm not trying to invalidate your sorrow or frustration towards your sister, I'm just saying no one knows. After Steph died - probably about six months after - I sent an email to my two sisters telling them how much I hated life, I hated me, I hated God, I hated everything. I sobbed and sobbed and poured out my heart. The sister who lost two children wrote back and said, "I'm sorry Sis. I love you" My other sister wrote back and said "GET OFF YOUR BUTT RIGHT NOW! GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND DO SOMETHING! QUIT FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF." I just hit delete and went to bed. She just doesn't get it, but I know she loves me.

Anyway, that's where I'm coming from...I jsut don't want you to think your sister doesn't care. She just doesn't get it.

[daveydow1]

Kim-----I am so very sorry for your loss of your dear sweet little boy, Papas. Your story of his passing brought tears

to my eyes. I am sorry that you ever needed to come to this type of site, but am glad that you did find your way here.

I have been on here.......along with Dee......for 8 yrs., and there are many others at all timelines of their loss. This is a

good site because everyone here understands the sorrow of losing a beloved child/children. My baby girl, Lisa,

died at the age of 6 mo. many years ago, and in 2003, my son, David, age 31 died in a wreck. This site has been a

lifeline for me, and so many here. There is a lot of love and support. So, please come back to BI (formerly called

Beyond Indigo). I believe your little boy's spirit was in your presence. As others have said......being so early on this

journey, there is little anyone can say to ease your pain. Just know that we are here for you, friend.

Karen-----I think that we all feel pain whenever someone asks how many children we have. It is a very difficult situation.

we can only do our best at the time.....and may not even know what we might say or how we can deal with it, but I think

that you did very well in the situation with the kind man who asked you. We do gain strength little by little, even though

at times it might not seem like it. Thanks for Davey's Birthday Wish.

Sus----So sorry to hear of Mariah's young teacher's death to cancer. Prayers for her husband & children.

Betsy-----Good to hear that your cousin's little daughter's 3rd birthday party went well, and that it was good for you too.

We get a bit stronger as time goes by........even though we don't really think so somethimes.

Colleen-----Your words are so very true, and I agree with you........about Acceptance. I, too, think that I will never accept

my children's deaths, but as you so wisely said........"I learned to accept the life that I now have without my son, Brian".

Not easy to do.........not by a long shot, but becomes a bit softer when we do.

Carol, Amy, Karen, Kathy, Rhonda-----thank you for the birthday wishes for Davey. Very much appreciated, friends.

Diane------Yep,-----this is a nasty journey we find ourselves on......for sure. I'm sorry you are feeling so down. Peace & prayers.

Amy-----I know what you mean about dreams of our beloved children. We're glad that we had the dream, but at the same

time we have to wake up and realize that it was only a dream. So bittersweet.

Dee-----Oh, those geese can be a menace, really.......because there are so many of them.....(Canada Geese? ). Besides

tramping down the grass, there's all those nasty droppings. We have not seen them in our cemetery yet, but they have

taken over certain areas of the lg. metropark in the area........just hordes of them. Yes, I always try to 'temper' my sadness

on Davey's birthday with remembering the day he was born in 1971. He was a joy that day, and all our days together

through his growing up. He was an even-tempered, serene child, and grew up to be a kind & caring person. Thanks

for your words, friend.

Robsmom----I know what you mean........people wondering when you are going to 'get over your loss'. Well, it will not

happen. I don't think that we ever get over it. We just learn to live with it. We have to. As someone said.......no two journeys

of grief are the same. each one of us must make it in our own way. Sending thoughts and prayers to you.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[dwsmithrn]

sus, sherry and carol....thank you, just thank you.....diane

[ericasmom]

Sherry, glad to see your posts today and hoping that you are feeling okay. Sometimes I am wiped out tired after a birthday but sometimes I am energized by them, loving those dates so.

Diane, I do think that you are going through the loss of a layer of shock...leaving you raw and feeling like you are as vulnerable as you were at the start of this road. I am glad that you are planning on telling your therapist about how this feels, and let her know that we have all gone through these seemingly backward steps in our grief. What I feel I learned from some of these journeys back to the depths of my ache was that sometimes we examine things without even knowing we are doing it when we are this blue, and we come back up to the surface with some new knowledge or new piece of our Child that will be added to our files that we keep in our hearts. It sounds like you were ready to look at the page on FB and while it brings forth much tears and sadness, it is a part of Nathan's life that you are trying to figure out. I cheer you on Diane because while this is very painful, you are facing it here with us and with your therapist and with yourself.

You could not have known to be on FB when he posted those things Diane, I know that you know this, we cannot be where our children are all the time, young or not. We just cannot. I hope that you feel his presence tonight so that you can feel all of his love and peace for you.

[aim630]

I just found out today that the guy I went to Senior prom with and dated about a year died yesterday. I just randomly looked at the obituaries in the paper (which I rarely do). It was just a brief paragraph, it said after an extended illness, so I'm assuming cancer. He was 43, same as me, married, but I don't know about kids. His mother died of cancer our senior year. He was the last boy I dated seriously before marrying Jeff. Kind of sad...

Thinking of you all...

Amy/Ashley's mom

[ericasmom]

Oh Amy, sorry that the young man died, so young. It is hard on our hearts to think of our old friends/lovers/schoolmates gone.

How is your Sweet college-Kate?

Sleep well and deeply