Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest msnher]

Jenn - I just read that in the news. So very sad. Prayers for sure

Sue - Stacy left a wonderful legacy for you to follow. Please don't beat yourself up, however, when the sadness comes...and it will, come. It comes and goes. I have said we journey through grief. I'm not sure I believe that, now. I think we learn to journey with grief. We learn to be happy and sad at the same time. We are hear for you and I am so glad you are here, also, sharing Stacy with us!

DEE, HELP! Ugh! The reading with the kids is going well, but I became frustrated and impatient with Jasmine today. She wanted to read "Go Dog Go" to me again, but I told her she had to pick a book she hasn't read before. She picked "The Little Engine that Could". Instead of reading the words, however, words she knows - by the way - she just began making words up, pointing to the word and looking at me. She wasn't trying to read at all. I remained calm but told her I was becoming frustrated because she wasn't reading so we would read together later. And, even as I write this, she just came in and apologize for not trying to read. She wasn't even looking at the letters in the words. She knows how to sound out a word and she was just making stuff up. What's up with that?

I liked the Help movie. It was different from the book in some spots and I actually liked the movie better (in those spots) . I liked the movie as well as the book. The theater was full of women...maybe one man. I forced back some sobs, not allowing the tears to spill over (I had on make up, don'tchaknow) I laughed too. I also found myself angry at some of the blatant racism that was all too real. I had to admit my own racism when I was younger. I remember the "whites only" signs and feeling superior because I could go in there and they couldn't. Before foster homes we were white trash. Just a fact. The whites didn't like us and neither did the blacks. So, any "sign" that said I was good enough or even better than was welcomed. These were ideas I taught myself, not ideas I learned. Remember, my sisters didn't allow bigotry or racism. My sister, Chris, beat the tar out of me the only time I dared say the "N" word. She also made me stand at attention, with my hand on my heart, watching Martin Luther King's funeral on our small black and white television. We were placed in custody of a religion that allowed blacks to join their church, but not hold their priesthood. That doctrine has since changed. Apparently God changed his mind. Just as God changed his mind about plural marriage. Oh! I'm getting my shackles up just writing this!

We're still a country of racism and bigotry...in the name of God and superiority. We've just changed our targets. Okay. I'm done. I'm working myself into a mad! On a lighter note, I did apologize to my husband for not being the woman he married. The skinny, cute, fun loving, organized (otherwise "perfect") spouse; but informed him I had more terrible news for him. My conservative republican husband listened intently as I informed him the conservative republican woman he married is now a liberal. I told him I'm not sure, though. I'm really quite wishy-washy.

Okay, I'm calmer now and signing off.

love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Hey Indigos - Happy Sunday!

Well, Scott and I went to a HS graduation party yesterday and it was better than I thought it would be. My cousin, Peggy's son, Elliott graduated from Hartland HS. The party was from 3-?. We showed up at 5:30pm and talked with Peggy. Elliott met us at the door (I would not have recognized him in a crowd!!!) We hugged, talked and spent much time gazing into the crowd and wonder what Brian's graduation party would have been like.

I tried to change the channel, and succeeded for about the next 2 hours. Than, it was time to go.

I am glad we went. Peggy lost her husband, Charlie from MS almost 2 years ago. Her mother died from Breast Cancer 3 years ago. Charlie's Father died less than 1 year ago (I did not know that until the party). I talked to Charlie's Mom and she looked great. We had a good time. But, their were ALOT of 16-18 year old kids.

Now I am vegging.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mikesmum]

Morning Indigo's. Monday here. Muttley came home yesterday. Just a little bit unsettled but overall good.

Had the step boys in last night. Youngest, Anthony is 22 this week so we got together for dinner. OMG 22, mine are 34, 35! I feel just a little old. It was interesting watching the two boys. They seem to 'dance' around each other. Not really communication. At the end of dinner one went to the computer to 'design' his business cards the other on the couch talking with his dad. Reminded me of Mike and Steven about that age. Both had an opinion on how the other should be living...wish they just focussed on being brothers.

Mal actually took a night of in the middle of his roster to be with them...

Am off to walk my boy....breakfast out after. Still quite cooooool here though.

Seeing Matt's pic brings back memories of Angels gone. Hugs to all the Indigos here who know.....

[rlolheiser]

It has been a really bad day. I found out that I can still cry, and of all things over a dog. But she was a good dog. Somebody had offered her to me when she was a puppy 9 years ago, I was newly married and working, and didn't want a dog so my nephew next door took her. She was a purebred German Shepherd. Little did I know that even though I never took her she would still be mine as she came to my house everyday. My nephew would try to make her stay in the house and she would just go nuts and cry. So she became my dog. Then almost a year later my son was born and she was the perfect dog as he grew up. If he started to run where she didn't like, she would gently stop him, sometimes even pushing him down until I could catch up to them. I knew with her on the farm my son would be safe from animal or people.

JaBoa loved her.. it was the last dog JaBoa claimed, as she gave a dog away a couple months before she died. As I said, she knew something was going to happen and said she couldn't take care of a dog. So my Dallas (dog) was everybody's dog....

Today my neighbor up a ways brought her down, he had shot her full of holes and dumped her in my driveway. I was in shock. He didn't say a word.. nothing.. just dumped her for my son to find and any other of the children that frequent our house. My neice came over and told me she saw him dump her, all I could do is cry... she went up to talk to the guy and he called her all sorts of names.. said the all the dogs in the neighborhood were in his yard and he shot her.. and was glad... my niece called the sherriff and there is nothing they can do.. I am not dumb, I know she shouldn't have gone over to his yard.. she is old and follows the crowd.. but I think he owed it to us to tell us he brought her down, and shot her for whatever reason but he was a coward.

I feel so sad for this old puppy.. she deserved better... guess I am silly for being so upset.. it even upset mom..

I know a dog is no comparison to a human and there are so many more sad stories that have happened today.. I heard the news this morning about the fair.. and felt so bad for the families...it seems there is just way to much sadness in the world... There is so much pain for all my friends here and for so many more that I don't know... How I pray one day for no sadness in the world... but I guess when that day comes the world will probably have ended..

hugs to all

[Guest msnher]

Oh Leah, I am so sorry! What a cruel thing to do, no matter his reasons, he (the rancher/farmer handled it poorly). Hugs to you.

[ericasmom]

Leah, don't see any reason to have done this bad thing to your Dog. How sad. Why didn't he just call you and ask you to get your dog, or call the police to file a complaint if he was mad that your dog was there...I am so sorry Dear. It was cruel.

Trudi, while it is still cold where you are, it soon will warm up as we chill down. In the midst of winter I am often in awe of your weather. Today felt very fall like, cool breezes and big clouds but one thing bothering me, the birds. There has been a lack of bird song in the last week, strange and worrisome. Usually I wake in the early hours, 3:00-ish or so and hear th efirst of the days birds, but all week, nothing, and nothing at 5 or 6 either. Then when I am out on a walk or bike ride, hardly hany birds singing. It is very odd, very disturbing.

Watched the news and saw the stage collapse, my heart aches for those who are in the hospital and for those that died. One young woman, a gay and lesibian rights activist from Chicago was killed there. She will be dearly missed by friends and family adn by the organization she championed. Peace little activist.

[mikesmomrs]

Hello my friends...just popping on to say hello and share a couple of things that have happened over the past few days with Kim and the girls here. First, I think of all of you everyday, you are all in my prayers everyday...I am so sorry for those new, I am so glad taht you found us, but so very sorry there was a reason for you to seek us out...

Kim and the girls and I have had a great few days. Have tried to push all of the other events out of the picture, and live in my little box of Kim's visit for now. Friday night we went to a play in a park nearby...they do a community theater type of play every year, outdoors, right by the ocean. It was a truly beuatiful night and everyone had a lot of fun. Went there early to get a "blanket spot" and ate supper there on the blanket. The boys played in the grassy area nearby til the play started. It was Wizard of OZ...I thought Damon might get bored, but he loved it...they did a spectaular job, the costumes were outstanding, the special effects way more than I ever expected, and we all had fun. Will share a couple of pics. All of us includes myself, Kim, Cathi, Jamie (12), Rebekah (14), Rachel (10), Kameron (14) and Damon (6). Bekah, RAchel, Kameron and Jamie went to Cathi's for the night, and Damon came home with us and stayed the night...always a fun treat. We didn't get home until 11:15! I thought Damon was asleep in the back seat and when we drove up to the house, I went around to get him out of the car. He popped his head up and said "I wasn't asleep. I was just doing "the Mike!"" I didn't think I heard him right and said "What did you say?" Again, he said "I was "doing the Mike!"" When I asked again, he looked at me and said, "The Mike," you know, like this!" and he stood still, looking like he was staring into space..."zoning." Mike used to do that all the time...later Sarah told me that Damon was doing that one day, and she said "your daddy used to do that all the time" and from there it was called "doing the Mike!" I am glad it was dark, Damon couldn't see the tears, but he could hear my laugh.

Today Kim and the girls and I went "back to school clothes" shopping at Kohls, with even a stop at Penney's.....little Rachel is the "pleaser" and just "didn't see anything" she liked. I finally figured out that she didn't want to ask for something I may not be able to afford, so I told her that if she saw something she liked, she should let me know because she didn't know the sale price, and also I had an extra 20% off coupon to add to the sale price. She finally did see a few things she liked and also a pair of shoes. She found a short green denim material jacket that she loved and luckily it was on a really big sale because it was $54 but with the markdown and extra savings, we got it for only $24...she was thrilled. Bekah found some pants and shirts, and also some shoes, so she was happy also. The girls don't get to do much shopping at home, so they had a really good time and I had a really good time buying for them. We even found a couple of t-shirts for Jamie, who was at our house, as he had stayed over on Saturday night. We came home and Kim fixed burgers and potato salad for everyone...Cathi had come over to pick up Jamie and they stayed for supper, so we all had a good family supper. Tomorrow, it's off to Boston to see my sister Dorothy and SIL Elizabeth for lunch. Then, tomorrow night, Ralph's older brother and his three children (actually they are 59 year old twins and their younger brother, who is 57) are "surprising" us with a visit from Mississippi...Ralph's brother Clifton just found out that he likely has less than a year to live (he is 82) and his children decided to take him on a trip to see his sister Bobbie in Virginia. Bobbie called us to tell us that they are also headed up here...she knew we had Kim and the girls here, so she figured we would need to prepare, which we do, and thank her for telling us. The sleeping arrangements should be interesting...many "floor pallettes" I guess! They will only be here for two days, so that is good. I know that Ralph is glad they are coming. He was pretty upset to learn of Clifton's prognosis. Clifton has had a few different kinds of cancer over the last ten years, and now his kidneys are shutting down.

I am sorry to have missed a couple of birthdays and anniversaries...but extend my love to all of you who are going through these "celebrations" without your precious child.

the "guilt" we feel after we lose one of our children...no matter what we did or didn't do...the guilt will likely always dwell somewhere in our heart. the sense of failure is there, even though our child died in a manner that we could never have changed, nevertheless, we feel we somehow "failed" them.

Leah: I am so very, very sorry about your Dallas...such a cruel and unnecessary thing to do...this must be a terribly sad, angry man. My heart to you.

Bonnie: I too remember those early days of your posting...I truly worried about you and your ability to regain your footing...it is amazing how we do it, isn't it? We surely have our angels helping us along this journey...there are evidences of this all around us, always.

So sad about the stage collapse...more people plunged into sadness and loss...

Got to run and try to get some sleep...need to get up early. Love to all my Indigo family...

pics from Friday night: first one is left to right: Bekah, Jamie, RAchel, Kameron, and Damon... (Kameron looks like his dad SO much when his dad was that age...when Kam left the house on Saturday afternoon to return to Cathi's, I just burst into tears after he shut the door...it is such a blessing to have this reminder of his dad, but so heartbreaking at the same time...he sounds EXACTLY like his dad, as well...

[mysonrich]

Carol, the picture with the kids on the whale is really good. May the force be with you.

Leah, how horrible for you,your mom,the kids and poor Dallas. That was just plain mean. Our pets are part of our families. Family with fur. I'm so sorry .

Trudi and Colleen, a family and friend weekend. Colleen, going to the graduation party took courage and strength. You too boxed away or as you said,changed the channel, to proceed on , to a small step of trying to live normal. Or appear OK. Which we know isn't always the case. Glad you both had a nice time.

Yesterday I went to an early showing of “ The Help” I thought it was good but also felt I saw it before. Maybe I read the book but I really don't remember reading it.We had a lot of rain yesterday which was needed but kept me in-doors for most of the afternoon.

Last week I received a “ save the date” picture magnet. My niece is getting married next June. There is also a website for Lisa and Justin, reading at the site one can learn a little bit about them both,where the wedding is to be held, ( Memphis), the reception. My sister, Lisa’s mom, gave me a beautiful sapphire ring the Christmas before she died. Lisa will be wearing the ring on her wedding day; something borrowed,something blue. Not sure which . Rich and Lisa were born 4 months apart. There are still times that I say to myself, “ Rich is dead” and it doesn't ring true. The passing of time. The going on of life.

One day last week I started to pull down vines that have grown up the gutters and across the house. They may look nice but with one vine being about ¼ inch thick, they can really pull things down.

A picture of 2 young buck out front under the apple tree's. Pic was taken through the window and screen.

Our cat, Spaz. She was born in 81. A member of our family for 19 years. She was part Abyssinian and plyed fetcha nd could sortof talk.

Dee, I hear birds.

[Guest msnher]

Betsy - Love the pictures.

Dee - I am so sad for the lives lost and the injured from the stage collapse. Prayers for the families, for sure!

Carol - "Doing the Mike". So sweet! I definitely see the resemblence in Kameron and his father. I'm glad you enjoyed your time with Kim and the girls. How's things with Davis? I love the expression on your granddaughter's face, sitting behind Damon on the whale. You remain in my prayers!

Leah - thinking of you this morning and helping carry your broken heart.

[shorty16]

Hello

Dear Indigos

No one was hurt, everyone got out, but there was a house fire in the neighborhood next to us. 8 alarm fire!!! Lots of trucks and noise.

The house is a total loss. The owner was doing some "in-home repairs". I do not know the specific's, but WOW!!!

Great weather this weekend in WI. It rained on Saturday, but Friday night and all day Sunday were just BEAUtiful!!

Thinking of our angels.

Colleen

[ericasmom]

Betsy, same this morning, only birds sounding are blue jays, which have been plentiful this summer, more so than most and while they can be bullies in the bird world, I don't think they shut the beaks of thousands of finch, sparrow, wrens, cardinals, robins, and all the many others. Odd, and worrisome to me. Feels like it means something odd.

I read the help this summer, loved it, and it just came out this spring I think. I have not seen the movie yet, may wait for it to be on DVD.

I love your cat, born the year Jonathan was born...

Love the way you put the going on of life. Indeed. I love that your niece will wear the sapphire given by her Mom.

Carol, truly wonderful seeing Mike's face today, I know you have been very busy and you have had big worries on your heart, so seeing you today is nice. I love, 'doing the Mike' so adorable. Keeping the Man in the picture all the time, a very sweet thing to do. Having more guests keeps you busier so I am wishing you well, wishing you goodness. Hoping to that your visit with your SIL in Boston goes nicely. I have a SIL in Boston, well Plymouth, and I love going there. I still feel that the two of you would get on famously, her name is Carol too, mom of 4 boys with a husband we all love but has been in a nursing home for several years do to severe early onset Parkinsons. Carol is Eri's Godmom.

Your older granddgirl really looks like you Carol, they are both adorable. How sweet that Rachel is watching everyone's budget, I am glad that you helped her find things she could feel comfortable about buying. Be well, and know that prayers continue.

[Guest msnher]

Colleen - I'm so glad no one was hurt in the house fire and so sorry it happened at all. Also very glad your first words were that no one was hurt. That's important. My son in law, who rarely called before, called just to chat a few months ago....I was in a panic..."Why are you calling? Is everything okay? Is Jennifer hurt? Is anyone dead?" I react the same way with those middle of the night calls. My sister, who lost two children and a husband, knows to say, "no body died" when she calls.

I was more patient reading with Jasmine this morning. She still wanted to revert to a book she already knows but I wouldn't let her. She made it through the first few pages of "The Little Engine that could" by Watty Piper. This time we used a book mark and I remained calm and steady when she came to a word she didn't recognize, telling her to sound out the letters. I know she's only going into second grade but she will be 9yrs old and is already so far behind. Jasmine NEEDS more attention than a lot of children. She is always making sure someone is looking at her and what their reaction is. She wants to be the center of attention always. Sometimes, a lot of times, she sucks the energy right out of people and they reject her. I've watched it happen. I've experienced it myself. Jasmine's maturity level is similar to 3yr old Kaylee's maturity level. I understand it, but it is frustrating. Then, when she gets the attention she desires she becomes a bully. I don't get it. I'm not sure if her mean streak is just a normal part of childhood or because she's the middle child or because of her violent past. We have become very strict with the consequences...time out, lost privileges etc. What's weird is...she's the one who is the best behaved in public. I can take her anywhere. It's in her normal settings, school and home, that she acts out. Mariah, on the other hand, is horrible in public and wonderful in school and home. Jonathon is pretty normal in both places.

I found some pictures of the three of them when Jonathon was about four months old, and I found some when he was newborn. He is delighted to have these. Included is also a happy picture of Stephanie and Kevin with Mariah hugging Kevin's leg. I am going to frame it and put it in her room.

Thanks for letting me ramble. There are times I want to hide from the noise of children and I dread raising teenagers again, especially teenagers who were exposed to drugs and violence and have the kind of loss these kids have. I miss my house staying spotless. I miss being able to just go and do whenever and whatever I wanted without notice. I miss silence. Having said that, I know these kids are in the best place for them and I enjoy them more than I don't, but sometimes I miss my prima donna life style.

I truly am a selfish, self centered woman at heart.

[ericasmom]

Sus, I would let her read the familiar book after she has read a specific amount of pages 2 or 3 of the new book. The familiar lets her feel successful adn she needs that tempered with the structure of learning new words in new context. When she comes to a word she does not know, have her write it out on a 3by 5 card in nice print. After a book is done, gather the cards and keep them as word flash cards. Ask her if any of them start with the same letter, group them. How many of them start with a blend: th, sh, ch, group them, ask her how many have a suffix; ing, ed, er, ier, group them, ask her how many have a prefix: re, dis, un, and so on. Talking about words and doing word study games that take about 15 minutes after a book could be key to her getting th einfo that is lacking in her educational references. Does she have an IEP for learning? I can't remember. If not, she probably needs to be tested for learning disabilities. All of her life events combined with other things could have caused a huge loss of learning but there may also be underlying learning issues. Good luck. Go to STARFALL.com for her it is good for early reading.

[Guest msnher]

Dee, Jasmine does not have IEP yet. The reason is she would have passed the test in first grade and wouldn't have been eligible to take the test again for some years. I don't remember how many years have to lapse between tests. Thanks for the suggestions. I will definitely use them!

[lil406]

So Today is 1 month, It hurts so bad I feel like my chest is caving in! I have been reading alot of stuff here and in other places. I have found little comfort there. I have been down this road before, and knew that there would come a time I would come to this road again, I just didn't think it would be her!

I keep telling myself that she is in a much better place than here. Heck she outlived all expectations of the medical field. I know that she passed doing what she loved instead of a hospital bed. But that doesn't make the hole in my heart any smaller or the pain any less.

I tried to post some words on her legacy page but I guess it was too long and they won't post it. But at least I wrote it and feel good about putting my angst into words. I have started writing letters to everyone that was in her life. I probably will never mail them or email them but it makes me feel better. I guess that is more important than what the words say.

Loving my Lil bug forever,

Momma

P.S. Can someone tell me how to make this picture my picture?

[daveydow1]

lil406----I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear daughter. The pain you feel is overwhelming at this

1 month mark. So very soon. Please come back to this site when you can. Everyone knows, firsthand,

the sorrow and pain that you are feeling. Peace to you, friend.

Dee----The weather here has moderated so nicely. Seems the intense heat is past, and we've had

some nice much-needed rain. Oh....the bachelorette party for Shannon sounds like so much fun.

Wow ! Two people with $2. bills in their possession,.....and at the same table. Sounds like a good time for all.

Bonnie----Sorry to hear that Jay's dog, Jackson, is ill with Cushings disease. Hoping the vets can help him.

Carol----So sweet that Damon does 'the Mike' thing. I'm sure a little tear or two fell when he told you this.

Betsy---Thanks for the pic of your beautiful white cat Spaz. Reminds me of what my mom told me the other

day. A white mother cat gave birth outside to 3 kittens in the corner by the chimney. The lady next door

began feeding them....kittens and mama cat. Then rains came, and the mama cat moved her kitties over under the

porch of the neighbor lady's house close by. The neighbor lady said she is going to give all of them a home.

( my mom could not keep them.........she has a little dog who is not fond of cats, but he cannot bother them due to

the fence enclosure of the backyard where he runs.)

Leah-----Oh, how awful......that neighbor guy who took it upon himself to shoot your dog. You are not being silly....

(about the dog's death). It is very heartbreaking when a pet dies.....let alone when someone so cruel would

just shoot the pet. When my big kitty "Kit" had to be put down a number of years ago, I cried for what must have

been a couple weeks. She was only 4 yrs. old, but had a chronic condition, and the vets said she would not

improve, so she had to be put down. She was so fond of Davey. When I could not bring myself to take her in

to the vets that last day,.......I asked Dave if he could take her. He took her over to the vet's office to be put to

sleep. It must have been difficult for him to do, but he understood the situation, and didn't want her to suffer.

I often think about that. That neighbor could be in trouble.......what if there had been people or children around

the area when he opened fire ? Sorry the sherrif said there was nothing that could be done. What an evil

man your neighbor turned out to be. I'm sorry, Leah.

Trudi----Soon it will be spring in your part of the world. A nice time of year for you. Peace to you, friend.

THINKING OF ALL IN THE INDIGO FAMILY,............ AND WISHING YOU PEACE & COMFORT

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[shorty16]

Lil406 - So sorry you are here, but here is the place to be if you have lost a child at any age and for any reason. I have been coming to this site since June of 2008. My 16 year old died in a completely preventable car crash. You will find love and understanding here.

Indigos

Beautiful day today my Indigo friends. Nothing planned this even but spending time with my animals and my hubby. Both kids have to work.

Carol - I loved hearing how you were able to "Put the box of worries on the shelf" and continue to enjoy your family visit. Sounds like more may be joining you - how wonderful. Thanks for sharing.

Sus - I try to continue to read to my kids but they blow me off too much. They do not HAVE to listen to reading anymore - Boy how I miss those days (sometimes).

Just sending much love to all our angels

Colleen

[lolynbo]

LIL404 IM IN OKLAHOMA TOO WHERE ARE U LOCATED...IM IN ARDMORE...

WANTED TO SHARE PIC (IF IT POSTS) OF MY LIL NEICE FRIKN CUTE...FIRST BB SHOWER I WENT TO AFTER KOURTNEY DIED WOW WAS THAT HARD AND FIRST BB BIRTH TOO....THIS IS MADELYNN JADE KILLINGSWORTH

LEAVING THURSDAY SO I MAY NOT BE ON FOR AWHILE...BUT U ARE ALL GOING WITH ME IN MY HEART

KODY DIDNT FINISH SAT NIGHT HIS DRIVE SHAFT BROKE AGAIN...OH WELL STILL 7TH IN POINTS AND HAS ASPHALT RIDE SO.......

[ericasmom]

Lorri, she is absolutely GORGEOUS! Thanks for sharing. HEy, have a blast on the cruise and thanks for taking us with you. Our love will gladly ride with you over the seas.

Sus, the IEP is an individualized education program that will meet her where she is academically. The tests would be scored to show what level she is in many subtests in reading and many subtests in math. If the scores show a deficit of 2 grade levels or more, she would probably be given an IEP and then work with a Resource teacher to help her catch up in the particular areas she is low. Let me know if they ran any tests, you would have had to sign off on these in order for them to have been conducted.

Went for a nice power walk this morning. Worked at school all day, took a little walk mid day to break the day up. It is beautiful out. Went to the chiropractor where he worked extensively on my stubborn muscles and bones. I will be walking slowly this evening, then using ice.

Sherry, I too am thrilled with the cooler weather and thankfully, heard and saw a ton of birds today, though still they are quieter than usual.

Betsy, love the photo of the deer in the clearing. What a pretty place you live. How is Sarah? Has she begun her new job?

[ericasmom]

Lil 406, tell us more about your Daughter, what happened and why did you think you would be on this path one day? Have you had other losses recently? We are here, let us hold your hand and heart as you wade through the very difficult waters of grief. I think others could direct you better as to posting your photos and your Daughter's photo for your posts. Betsy, Col, Carol, many others, but i kind of stink at it, and actually don't remember how to change my photos out or the info on my page. I lost my Daughter when a train, an Amtrak, hit her car at a broken crossing. she lived for 6 days, mostly I think so that all of her dear friends and cousins could get to her to say goodbye. Eri was 19, she was my Petunia, my Wenonah, which means first born daughter. I miss her each day but I will promise you that I am not sad each day like I used to be. Hang on, you are going to have some good days and some very ugly ones, we know that you can get through them, even on days when you would rather not, we know because we did. Have you children in addition to your Girl?

One thing sure, my sequential memory has always been poor, but with losing Erica it became worse, and now, 8years later and in the depths of menopause? Well , the sequential memory is but a distant skill.

[ericasmom]

http://news.yahoo.com/addiction-brain-disorder-not-just-bad-behavior-215621166.html

Very interesting article that supports what so many of us believe about addiction.

[Guest msnher]

LIL406 - I am so sorry for your recent loss! Please tell us more about your precious daughter. I, too, noticed you said you had walked this road before. Oh my, I'm so sorry you have to be here again. Please lean on us.

Dee - I don't communicate very well, my apologies. Jasmine is not in IEP.....yet. She would not qualify for IEP ... yet. I stress yet. I approached her teachers last year about testing Jasmine. She would pass all tests at the first grade level/requirement and then she would not get the help she needed and they wouldn't be able to test her again for a few years. I'm not sure if we will proceed with testing this year (2nd grade) or next year. Did I answer better this time, or am I still confused?

[ericasmom]

Oh I think I miss-interpreted Sus, if she was tested and looked to be at around the right level, they would wait until later as y ou can not retest that soon after...

[lolynbo]

SO I GO AND GET MY HAIR DID...WHILE THERE IM CHATTN WITH A LADY THAT REMINDED ME SHE USE TO TEACH KODY WHEN HE WAS IN 4 YR OLD PROGRAM....AFTER SHE FIGURED OUT HES 240 AND 6'1" AND 19 SHE ALMOST FELL OVER......SHE SAID HER DAUGHTER WAS 18 NOW...5 10 170 AND DIAGNOSED 3 YRS AGO WITH THE SAME BRAIN TUMOR SAME LOCAL (THALMOUS SP) AS KOURTNEY...DOCS WONT OPERATE SHE TAKES MEDS AND HAS BAD SIDE EFFECTS......WELL AFTER I TELL HER ALL WE WENT THRU..AND HAVE ME A CRY FEAST..(HER TOO)...LIFE IS SO SAD.....SADLY HER DAUGHTER PROB WONT MAKE IT EITHER BUT IS STILL AROUND TRYING.....I DIDNT NO WHAT TO SAY TO HER REALLY...I JUST SHARED MY STORY OF WHAT WE WENT THRU AND KOURTNEY WENT THRU...I GUESS THATS ALL I CLD DO

THANK YOU DEE IM READY TO ROLL CHAT WITH YAL SOON...XOXOXOXOXOXO TO ALL

WHEN I WENT TO NOLA AND HAD FUN...WITH MY GIRL...THIS TRIP WILL BE WITH KODY MONTY AND BROOKE.....MAYBE I WILL GET A SIGN FROM MY GIRL

[summergirl]

lil406 - I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter and so sad to see yet another join us here, however, this is the place to be when you are walking this horrible journey of grief.....I am Kathy and lost my only daughter Jessica from ARVD on Feb 18, 2006....Jessica left befind a 4 year old son whom my hubby and I have full custody of. It has been just over 5 years yet it seems like yesterday....I do promise though that with time, lots of time, it will become softer, not easier or better but softer. I would love to hear more of your daughter and I also noticed that you said you had walked this journey before ?? Please give this big family a try at helping you as they helped me so many times I have lost count.....I do know that I would not be where I am today if not for those here.

It has been some time since I have posted - tonight I felt the need to be here. Took the camper down to Gin Beach (in the rain) and then came home....weather is supposed to clear tomorrow so Tavian and I are headed down for the week. I really need to get away from everyone and spend some good quality time with Tavian....have been very depressed and sad lately and I need to get out of this funk. Had a total meltdown tonight and sweet Tavian caught me sobbing and came to me and wrapped his arms around me, patting my back he says "it's ok mi-mi, I am here and I love you so don't be sad"......of course I cried harder and then sucked it up and gave him a big smile and told him how lucky I was to have such a wonderful boy. I am blessed !!!

I have missed you my friends but you are always in my heart and prayers......I have so much I want to say but the words just will not come out of my head and onto this wonderful laptop of mine....the fingers seem to just hover over the keyboard.....so I will just say I love you all and I miss you. I will write our Angel's names in the sand this week and take pics.....Peace, Strength and Love, Kathy

[ericasmom]

Lorri, how sad that you met up with the former teacher of Kody's and found that her Daughter is also dealing with a brain tumor. My prayers for her Girl, and my thoughts to you both as you found in each other the sadness that we parents can feel so readily.

Kathy, I wish you the words that can help clear out the depths of your pain lately. My hope to you. And I also think going to Gin Beach will be great for you and Tavian. Enjoy the weather and the freedom that comes with being on the beach.

The katydids and crickets are creating a symphony of sorts, a wonderful music that I love dearly and will miss when the ground becomes frozen again in its amazing pattern of seasons. I love falling asleep to this music and waking to it as well, it is nearly 24 hours constant in August, just lovely.

[heartbeataway]

lil406,

Wow, you are really new to this God awful journey! Sorry to hear of your loss. There is a least one other loss resulting from a motorcycle accident here on BI.

You can't hurry grief ..... and it doesn't get better or go away. I say it gets softer on your heart.

There are still days when it's hard to breathe and it was 4 years the end of April for us. Our son, Jason, died of the same disease that took Kathy's Jessica. ARVD/C, basically sudden heart death.

Take care of yourself ..... hydrate, eat, try to sleep when you can and if someone offers to help or listen or keep you company, allow it to happen. Cry out loud and as often as your soul needs that release.

I send you my deepest condolences and strength for the days ahead.

[lil406]

Hello All,

Thank you for your kind words. They mean alot to me right now.

To answer your question about my being down this road before: My first husband died the same way 30 years and 6 days apart. So that is what I meant about being down this road again. You think I would learn and hate motorcycles, but I don't. I saw a guy on one today and I tried to hide just the hint of a smile on my face.

My girl had alot of medical problems including Spina Bifida, Ebstein Barr, Lupus, and allergy induced asthma. She always lived for today, even when all her ills tried to keep her down she would just get up and say not today. They had recently told her no more surgeries it was of no use. She said okay. They told her to quit doing all kinds of stuff including riding her bike. But no she could not be kept down. So she went riding just a month ago. They still don't know what exactly happened and it really doesn't matter. The end result is the same, she is gone from here for eternity. I didn't get to say goodbye, just poof she was gone. I want to think it was better this way instead of in a hospital bed with drs and nurses and needles and pain. It doesn't make the hole in my heart any smaller, and my pain is just as great no matter how I look at it.

I have a copy of the last picture of her on her bike and it is blurry and hard to see. I told my husband I wanted to try and clean it up, and he said: "Why don't you leave it like that, kind of a ghost rider kind of effect with her riding away into the wind". I guess that is one way to look at it.

I also meant that I expected to be walking down this road of people in my life passing on just not my daughter. You know the people you expect to go before you. Even though it is still hard no matter who your loved one is, I think the loss of a child is far worse!

Just some thoughts today

Lil bug's Momma

[Guest msnher]

Lil bug's momma - It sounds like you ride, too? There is no easy way to lose a child. But, for the biker....riding is the best way to go. I would love to know your girl's name...and yours too if you feel safe enough to share. You've mentioned pictures...perhaps they're in the gallery? By the way, my name is Susannah. My 28 yr old daughter, Stephanie, died two years ago in an ATV accident. She left behind 3 young children whom my husband and I legally adopted and are now raising. This site literally saved my life. Please keep sharing/talking/writing.

I have heard about katydids, but I'm not sure I know what they are. I'll google them.

I wish you all a bit of sunshine and peace today.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[echofc]

Good news is always good to hear. My daughter Stacy's friend, Peter, also has cancer that has spread to many places. Stacy and Peter became very good friends and supported each other through treatment. Peter was able to get into a clinical trial and has undergone weeks of chemo. Last Monday they did a scan and he is cancer free. Stacy must be smiling from Heaven.

Love,

Sue (Stacy's mom)

[hoosiermom]

Lil Bug's Momma

I am so sorry for your loss. My daughter Brianna was also born with spina bifida and had many chronic health issues her whole life....I lost her on 7/5/2009 when she was 15. I am coming up on her 18th birthday in September and I miss her so very much.

I offer you a sad welcome here.

Jenn

[shorty16]

What about them Brewers!

My English is even better - Hey!?! A triple play last night. WOW, I do not even remember seeing a triple play! The Brewers beat the LA Dodgers - What a game.

If I could bottle this weather, I would save a few days for January and February. It is BEAUtiful outside. Low humidity, temps in the low 80's, light breeze. WOW, it is great outside.

Not much going on in Wisconsin. The State Fair just ended and as usual was a great time. I love the fair. I used to work for the State Fair grounds in the summers when I was in college. Working with the animals (usually picking up their poop) gave me a whole new respect - especially for pigs. Pigs can be nasty beasts. Good on sticks though (HAHA)!!!! Kind of a State Fair joke, everything was served on a stick - Scott tried deep fried snickers on a stick. His friend tried chocolate covered bacon on a stick. We never did try the deep fried beer (nope, not on a stick).

Hope all are having a good day today. Thinking of all our angels - I always do.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Sue, that is a nice bit of news, a way to start this day hoping and praying that Stacy's friend stays cancer free,that the trials now being used are the life altering remedies and cures we need here. Each day a chance to change the course of a disease.

Lil-you experienced grief as a young woman then, it must have been terribly sad but yes, nothing, NOTHING compares to the pain of losing ones child. I can't help but agree that your Girl died doing what she loved, the freedom that bike offered her, and to have died quickly without anymore doctor/hospital time sounds like the way that was best for one that has spent enough time being poked and prodded. God bless. My last photos of Eri were of the last day I saw her, two days before she was struck. Those were the last three frames on a roll of 36, the only three that came out were those of ERi and her two friends out in our garden. They were a bit blurry too, as though the clarity of this life was fading.

Keep coming to see us, we're here with big hearts, even though they have been broken, they repair and reshape over time.

[Guest msnher]

I am so angry my hands are shaking! I want to distance myself as far as possible from the Christian sect. From any sect. Not from Jesus, I still love Jesus, but I am sick to death of the people who claim to follow "his word". Spare the rod, spoil the child. The child is now dead! I couldn't even finish watching the news report. Apparently there is a book called "To Train up a child" and it's based on the bible. The minister/author said if a boy slugs his sister he should get 10 to 15 licks. And, if you plan on teaching them something the spanking/beating has to cause pain. I know it's not just the Christian religion that believes it's okay to hurt your children...a lot of them do. I hate religion!!!!!!!!!!

I've had enough! I am sick of the right and I am sick of the left! I am sick of war! I am sick of humans killing humans. I am sick of people hurting children. I am just sick and tired of it all! I am sick of the religious hipocrit who recites how much God loves them and hates their enemies. They all cite it! I have news for the religous zealouts.....God doesn't hate! God is love. Period! Look it up in your own book. Ugh! And, now my anger makes me just as guilty! I'm so pissed.

A child is dead. A beautiful seven year old girl. 1000 lashes. CNN.

My first foster home made me pick out the weapon they would beat me with. If they made me bleed they rejoiced. Then, we sat down to dinner and prayed over our meal.

Love is the answer. And, I will ask forgiveness of you all later for spewing this anger. I will no longer associate myself with Christians. Won't happen! Michelle Bachman says she doesn't judge, she's running for president. Obama says he wants transparency and then appoints a bunch of crooks. The U.S. is mad at Pakistan for allowing China to see our downed helicopter...Hell! China OWNS us! Muslims bomb Christians so Christians bomb everybody.

30 men were killed in Afganastan and it made me very sad, but why aren't they giving that much attention to every life that is lost every day!? Thousands upon thousands of people have died since 9/11. I want to see their names....their faces. All of them. I want to see the children of battle...the children in Iraq...the children in Afghanastan. Show the true horrors of war. They began a war for God. Their God. So, we'll show them whose God is the real God...we'll just go over there and blow them all up! And, then say it's for our freedom for their democracy. But, don't allow the people who suffer terribly south of the border over here. Not the brown people.

I ashamed to be a human being at this minute! Thanks for listening. I'm not proof reading.

[ericasmom]

SUS< this song may be naming what it is you are feeling. Cathedral, one of my favorite songs written by Ghram Nash of crosby,stills, nash, young fame

Six o' clock

In the morning I feel pretty good

So I dropped into the luxury of the Lords

Fighting dragons and crossing swords

With the people against the hordes who came to conquer

Seven o'clock

In the morning here it comes I taste the warning

And I'm so amazed I'm here today

Seeing things so clear this way

In the car and on my way to Stonehenge

[instrumental (Piano)]

I'm flying in Winchester cathedral

Sunlight pouring through the break of day

Stumbled through the door and into the chamber

There's a lady setting flowers on a table covered lace

And a cleaner in the distance finds a cobweb on a face

And a feeling deep inside of me

Tells me this can't be the place

I'm flying in Winchester cathedral

All religion has to have its day

Expressions on the face of the Savior

Made me say

I can't stay

Open up the gates of the church and let me out of here

Too many people have lied in the name of Christ

For anyone to heed the call

So many people have died in the name of Christ

That I can't believe it all

Now I'm standing on the grave of a soldier that died in 1799

And the day he died it was a birthday

And I noticed it was mine

And my head didn't know just who I was

And I went spinning back in time

And I am high upon the altar

High upon the altar, high

[instrumental (Strings)]

I'm flying in Winchester cathedral

It's hard enough to drink the wine

The air inside just hangs in delusion

But given time

I'll be fine

Open up the gates of the church and let me out of here

Too many people have lied in the name of Christ

For anyone to heed the call

Too many people have died in the name of Christ

That I can't believe it all

And now I'm standing on the grave of a soldier that died in 1799

And the day he died it was a birthday

And I noticed it was mine

And my head didn't know just who I was

And I went spinning back in time

And I am high upon the altar

High upon the altar, high

[ericasmom]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fOIxwLUSNQ

[dwsmithrn]

hi my indigo family...my life savers...i have been a little ill lately, both emotionally and physically, so have not been on lately....other to read your posts and be sad for the new people here. i am so sorry for the new losses....it just breaks my heart....why, oh, why, does my screaming in the middle of the street to STOP this madness, not work....i have no voice in this cruel, cold world.

my shoulder seems to be somewhat better. the steroid shots worked some, and the oral steroids made me sick...took last one today...and off to PT shortly. hopefully, in a few months, it will be all better....but, the way i have felt this w/e, i don't much care one way or the other.

i have been back to my sad self lately. the 21st will be 7 MONTHS...somedays it seems like yesterday and sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago....i am so missing my nate. i just can't shake the guilt, and why i could not love him enough to keep him here. i know his depression was not my fault, i know that....i know if i had been in his face, i might could have delayed the inevitable, but no one knows for how long....but, i'm his mom....i don't know how long i will continue to take on this guilt along with this grief that just takes over my entire being.

my daughter and 2 grands came over yesterday for a couple of hours, and i did find reason to smile...it was good. but, i never, ever stop thinking of nathan. my heart aches so hard for him...missing his voice, his laugh, his fun antics....it's just gone. he's gone and i want to see his smile.....why, and when, will i feel a purpose in my life to move forward? i don't now and somedays, i don't think i ever will find that. i just feel sad ALL THE TIME.

we go for counseling on thursday.....i really open up there, and i know what all the answers will be, but i still continue to go....maybe i feel safe saying what i feel. i don't know. or maybe, i just need to hear what she says. over and over again. maybe?!!!?

i want to again, thank all of you for your posts and your kindnesses....your words of encouragement. i am so sorry for the new ones here and wish from the bottom of my heart you did not have to be here. i know your hearts are broken and your lives feel shattered....we are here, holding you up as best we can. just know you can come here and talk, say what ever you feel, good or bad....lord knows we all know i sure do it, every time i enter this room.....my heart is far from healed.....right? i am still on this journey and have not seen the other end, i guess you continue on it for your lifetime, but i am looking for the time on this journey that tells me i can breathe easier again. that i can sit calmly and think of nathan without painful tears. that i can smile with him again and know he is safe. i am waiting for that day.

have a good day all and know that i think of all of you everyday......diane

[Crystal16]

Hello all,

It has been a long time since I’ve logged onto this website. I have experienced so much joy but in the same breathe still grieving the loss of Ashlee. It is almost a year 9/3/10 since Ashlee left this side of Heaven and it still feels like yesterday. The great sadness is heavenly weighing on me lately and I’m having a difficult time shaking it. I am an emotional rollercoaster and I feel myself slipping into a depression. I get married in 11 days, 8/27 which should be the happiest day of my life and all I can do is obsess and think about why Ashlee can’t share in this very special day with me.

Last night the sadness was so intense that I opened Ashlee’s Urn to see her remains and was stricken with intense grief I haven’t felt before now. Dust to Dust is B---S—t I saw dust and bone fragments in that enclosed dreary bag. I hate that it took seconds for one individual to change the course and destiny of everyone’s lives.

Crystal

[Guest msnher]

Dee That's exactly how I feel! Thanks.

Crystal - Sending you hugs as the angelversary approaches. I wish you nothing but peace and happiness in your upcoming marriage.

Diane - You describe the emotional roller coaster of this nightmare journey quite well. I know the craziness you speak of. Yes, I know it well. Hold on!

I bought myself a bike! An old lady schwinn bike. I love it. Turns out I still know how to ride a bike. The kids and I put on our helmets and rode to the bike trail. We had a great time. Today's Jordynn's birthday...she returns to Iowa on Friday....so we are having a celebrate Jordynn and end of summer day combined.

Wow! Right now, this very moment, I completely spaced out. I don't even know how or why but I "went there". My thoughts went right back to Stephanie's crash. Of course I wasn't there. There were no witnesses. And, my brain just took over trying to recreate the accident so I could understand. And, the really crazy part is I still try to change the outcome. That is pure insanity and it makes me nuts.....Talk about thoughts being derailed! Okay...I'm back in today. We're all exhausted. The house is a wreck. When your house is small it doesn't take much to make it look like it belongs in an episode of "Hoarders". Both sides of the kitchen sink is full of dirty dishes. They will get washed. The house will be presentable again. The laundry (it's always laundry) will never be done. But, right now, sleep is calling.

[dwsmithrn]

There is a sorrow the heart cannot share.

It is a lonely place we go to remember and to heal.

[daveydow1]

Diane---Such a nice & true saying. The road of grief is, at times, lonely indeed. Sharing one's

sorrow on this site is so helpful.

Lil------So sorry for all the sorrow you have had in your life. No, ....you are right. We do not expect to

bury our children. When my baby, Lisa, died...years ago, I did not ever expect that I would have

another child die. My son, Davey, was born the year after Lisa died, and 30 years later, he was

killed by a sleeping truckdriver. I hope that you can continue to come here to BI (site was formerly

called Beyond Indigo), and many of us here still think of the site as BI. This place has been a lifeline

for many of us. People come and go......there are no rules regarding when and how often to visit

the site....just come when you can. We're here for you, friend.

Dee----The weather has turned nice.....that's a welcome relief from all the heat of July. The nights

are cooler, and crickets & bugs are chirping daytime, and night.......a true sign that it's the end of

summer. Of course all the BACK-TO-SCHOOL ads etc. are also a reminder. I think you said that

your school starts soon too. Soon I'll be seeing the big yellow school bus stopping to drop off the

neighbor kids across the road. Our county fair starts soon......I'm entering my quilt and pillowcases

this time. Haven't exhibited for so many years. Tomatoes galore in the garden. Picked some green

ones to make fried green tomatoes. I like them.....husband doesn't. Have had green beans, beets,

lettuce, brocoli etc. for meals. Nice crop of pumpkins coming on. The grandies delight in picking out

their own pumpkins. Went to the cemetery today.......17th anniversary of my dad's passing. Then

went to the nearby park to do a bit of sketching, and reading. Visited my elderly mom (same town),

and then off to the grocery store. Such a lovely day......blue sky with big white puffy clouds.

Sus-----Oh, I hear you. Sometimes one can get so discouraged with the news, and all the killing, wars, etc.

There is a quote (don't remember who said it )............."The fisrt casualty of war is TRUTH". How true that

is. Lately, I too, have been burned out on the news.....very depressing. Sticking to fiction books, and only

ones I like. Was reading one and was about halfways through it, and just gave up on it.......too violent and

depressing. That one will be one I donate. Maybe someone else won't find it such a downer. My husband

has sworn off organized religion.....citing about the same reasons you have said. Myself........well, right now,

I'm a bit 'religiously adrift'.......meaning I'm not too close to any organized religion. Peace to you, friend.

Crystal----Good to see your post. May Ashlee send her sweet smile down to you and make your soul warm in

her light from heaven.

Lorrie-----Your niece is just DARLING. Thanks for the pics. Have a wonderful time on your cruise.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[rlolheiser]

Thank you all for your well wishes.. losing our old dog was hard.. we still look for her and forget.. I save scraps.. and only give to the neighbors dog.. adjustments I guess

I must have been saving up a lot of stress.. I was knocked down sick that night.. my lungs filled with crud and my fever spiked I still feel a little tough, but am much better.. tomorrow a bunch of tests for mom..

you would think it would get easier, but it doesn't.. she has so many down days..

I have been on the go all day, just wanted to send my love out to you all..

[ericasmom]

Crystal, good luck with the wedding coming up, that is a lot of change in one years time and I am holding your hand and your heart as you approach that first year mark. Hold on it does get rocky at times. I am sorry that you are feeling blue right now.

Got to get to sleep, been up too long and did too much to still be up. My back is bad and I fear lying down and not being able to sleep.

Talk more tomorrow.

[Guest msnher]

Dee - How is your back, how did you sleep?

Sherry - I love your posts at this time of year - well, I love your posts each time you post, but I can just picture your kitchen and the smells in your house. I hope you'll post pictures of your quilt and your garden.

Colleen - I woke up thinking about you at 5:06 this morning. I hope you are well??? Sending prayers and love! I will have Kaylee and Little Curtis today, along with my three and Jordynn, so it promises to be a busy day, but I will try to get a call out to you to at least hear your voice and make sure you're well for myself.

I crack myself up. Do you all remember when Karen fell and hurt herself and she posted on facebook and I thought she needed emergency assistance? In my mind she was able to text to facebook for help, but not able to dial 911. It was up to me to save her. I didn't know how to call 911 in Massachusetts. Fortunately the delay forced me to call Karen before sending in the troops - literally. Well, the other day I received a call from Carol's phone and nobody was there. Same scenario in my mind. She's in trouble and called me knowing I would be smart enough to call 911. Forget the fact that we live across the country from each other. She needs me. ME. I cannot fail her. I called her first, before calling the police to save her from whatever ill fate had occurred. At first I didn't trust her word that she was fine. She could be kidnapped and giving me a coded message. She had to explain exactly how it came to be that she called me and nobody was there. Being convinced she was, indeed, safe, I took my hero cap off and went back to cooking dinner.

The moral of the story is if you ever need help, I'm your girl. It might turn out like an episode of the first Batman series..."Holy insane attack, Batman!" I mean, seriously. I hear a siren here, in Casper, and call Amanda in New Hampshire to make sure she's okay. I just accept it all as part of this journey.

Love you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Crystal - Ashlee's Mom Forever

I just wanted to comment on your up-coming wedding and your thought on Ashlee not being there. My daughter has said the same thing to me many times "When I get married, Brian will not be there" (usually crying when she says it).

I would like to tell you the same thing I tell her "Brian and Ashlee will be there, all around us," "They will be walking you down the isle, dancing with us, and kissing us as we laugh." "Yes, it is true, we cannot see them, but that does not mean they are not there."

My prayers are with you and your family, Crystal.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

SUS - You have a new Bike - A Schwinn old-lady bike - I love it!!!!

My aunt had one and I loved it.

Have a wonderful time on your new bike. We live in a very hilly area, riding a bike would definetly be a work-out by us.

FUN!!!

[dwsmithrn]

crystal...good luck with the wedding....i just KNOW ashlee is shining down on you with a beautiful smile and trying to tell you to be happy. she IS all around you....i just know it. be happy. she so loves you, too.

[dwsmithrn]

i want to share something that nathan's best friend wrote to nathan march 22, 2011....he is having such a hard time and i love this young man....he practically grew up in this household with my own children. he is struggling with nathan's death. but, he is an artist and a writer and i want to share what he wrote with you.

TIDES COME AND GO BUT YOU ARE ALWAYS THERE !

Today I stood at oceans break, watching it's tears crash upon my feet, soaking into my pores. As I stare into its vast body across its horizon I skipped a breath of sadness. I tried so hard to shelter my anger knowing we'll share unspoken words, memories we'll never make and the laughter I'll now hear in unearthed sea shells. Grains of sand wash up between my toes as if you were reaching out to me for forgiveness. The sun touches me warming my skin to let me know you're here. THoughts fly through my mind like a graceful seagull hovering in the waters mist. At that moment as the ice cold water breaks at my waist I realized you're here, all around me, as I look down past the grime I see your heart beating in sync with each passing wave. I smile, I dive in trying to embrace you to hold you one more time. I become humble and calm knowing you're happy now. No matter how hard I try to shake my emotions, I allow myself to share a tear in your vast playground to leave a part of me with you and as I walk back towards the surf I feel you miss me as you pull back with the tide. I want you to know, my friend, I miss you too and the castle you built in my heart will never be destroyed. Thank you for allowing me to see you one more time today. I needed that more than you know. Love you man!!! Nathan Black 1-19-1979 to 1-21-2011

[dwsmithrn]

sus....just to let you know, even when i am down, you crack me up, too....

[dwsmithrn]

any one know where warren, mass. is? any one live anywhere near there? have any idea where it is or anything about it? let me know.....we are going to be there and around there september 15-22....visiting my husband's family.....