Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Sus, as I said to others along this route we are on, that second anniversary really was like a huge hurricane, it swept over me and then when I felt moments of peace and calm, like the eye of the hurricane offers, the other side of the storm came through and knocked me off my moorings. I screamed adn sobbed one early early morning and replayed the song tha twould offer me the chance, that cathartic rendering of Neil Young's Sugar Mountain..."you can't be twenty on Sugar Mountain..." which wasn't about a child dying at all but hit me so heavily at the time as Eri never got to be 20, she is forever 19. As you go forward into the moment by moment remembering as we all do at anniversary time, remember the signs that she has given you so that you remember her peace. It does not erase the pain, nothing will, but again, would not trade the joy of knowing her for the ache and sadness of this loss.

[lil406]

Thank you so much for the quote. I have 2 daughters still here and one of them is always saying she was never a favorite, never loved, never cared for, etc...... Maybe if I pass this quote on to her she will see what I have seen all these years!

Erma Bombeck was a favorite of mine as well!

[ericasmom]

Hello Newbie, I am sorry that you find yourself in need of a grief website, but since you do, this is the best one around, we are an inclusive group who takes care of one another with our knowing hearts. We do not tire of the stories we each tell, we welcome those stories and we welcome your tears, they do not scare us away because we get it. Hope that you feel comfy to post more.

With care,

dee

[daveydow1]

Dear Newbie----I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear daughter. This site is an

active one, and we welcome anyone who is now walking the same walk we are

walking. There is a lot of understanding & compassion here.....everyone cares.

Please come back when you can. Peace to you, friend.

Sus----First.....HAPPY 7TH BIRTHDAY TO JONATHON ! I, too, liked Erma Bombeck,

and always read her writings and delighted in her humorous take on everyday things.

Have you ever read the tribute that her husband wrote, after her death? It was a very

touching piece that he used a roller coaster ride as an analogy. Very worthwhile to

read......it brought tears to my eyes when I read it.

JOEY----JOEY----JOEY.....SAYING YOUR NAME, AND REMEMBERING YOU.

TANNER....TANNER....TANNER......SMILE DOWN ON YOUR MOM AND WARM HER HEART.

Dee----Thanks for the touching words of the song. Bless your friend's daughter for the

humanitarian work she is doing in Ghana, where her help is so desparately needed. Your

peach pound cake, and peach pie will be yummy. I, too, love peaches. We have two peach

trees, but they had been let go (not trimmed or sprayed for some time by the previous owner),

so that it will take a season or two for us to get the trimming and spraying accomplished for

the next season, and hopefully will get some peaches. There's a farm very near here that we

can get them in the meantime. Also, thanks for the quote....."if GOD takes you to it,.....HE takes

you through it". Hard to imagine that it is true at times when we are in the black hole, but then

with HIS help, we pull ourselves up and again see the sun shining down on us, and it gives us

strength to take another step on this journey.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[westleysmom]

JOEY and TANNER-Remembering you today and always.

Sherry-I'm sorry that you got a piece of mail that broke another piece of your heart too.

Susannah-Thinking of you as the day comes. Even though we know that they are gone EVERY day, some days it seems to hurt more than others. Happy 7th birthday to Jonathan.

Dee-I had a lot of peaches at once from Georgia earlier this month. They were great, but they didn't last long. That was the only thing I remember craving when I was expecting my first child. I really liked the song you posted the link too, and the words were so familiar, as I've thought some of those thoughts in those exact words. How do we live with what we can't take back? especially that one.

I've been to the cemetery and I feel like a worn out old piece of dishrag. It was cooler than it has been, but the sun was still pretty hot and its very humid. We did get some rain and I guess that's why. Sometimes when I go, I don't cry, but not today. Today was a shoulder shaking, gut wrenching cry fest. I could go to sleep right now, and still be tired in the morning, so I guess I'll just tough it out until real bedtime. Sending love to you all

[mikesmomrs]

JOEY...JOEY...JOEY...saying your name...remembering your sweet spirit...

The sweet joy your momma felt that very first time she saw you, lives on in her heart forever...today she is remembering those hours when she first said hello to her new little son...surround her once more with your sweet spirit, your sweet soul...Claudia...celebrating with you the wonderful birth of your beautiful, beautiful boy.

[mikesmomrs]

Cindy and Rick...surrounding you with love and comfort today...TANNER...your beautiful son is with you, always, remember those wonderful, sweet memories of his life with you, keep those close, always know that he is with you.

TANNER, TANNER, TANNER...REMEMBERING, ALWAYS...

[shellyku]

Good Evening Indigos - It is really late for me to be up, but I always read before I go to bed.

First let me say, Tanner, Toby & Joey - I pray your stars were shining a little brighter in the

sky for your loved ones to see so they could know you're in a beautiful, glowing place.

Suzannah - I will be thinking of you particularly on Tuesday, Steph's angelversary, as it

is the same day as my Sarah's birthday. She would have turned 30. My thoughts and prayers

will be with you. And I agree...I cannot imagine my life without Sarah in it so I, too, will withstand

the pain of losing her. To all other indigos, you are in my prayers every day. This will get long

but I would like to share this poem I found on the internet. Maybe some of you have seen it

before but it really touched me. It's called "A Child Loaned"

"I'll lend you for a little time

A child of Mine", He said.

"For you to love the while he lives

And mourn for when he's dead.

It may be six or seven year

Or twenty-two or three,

But will you, till I call him back

Take care of him for Me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you

And should his stay be brief,

You'll have his lovely memories

As solace for your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay

Since all from Earth return,

But there are lessons taught down there

I want the child to learn.

I've looked this wide world over

In my search for teachers true,

And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,

I have selected you;

Now will you give him all your love,

Nor think the labour vain

Nor hate Me when I come to call

And take him back again?

I fancied that I heard them say,

"Dear Lord, Thy will be done,

For all the joy Thy child shall bring,

For the risk of grief we'll run.

We'll shelter him with tenderness,

We'll love him while we may,

And for the happiness we've known,

Forever grateful stay.

But should the angels call for him

Much sooner than we planned,

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes

And try to understand."

Anonymous

[heartbeataway]

Hi guys,

Hope you all had a good weekend. Rich's birthday was Saturday. It was melancholy ..... I guess that's the right word. It's like there is no happy in anything anymore!

Holidays, birthdays, good grades, achievements ...... these use to be occasions to celebrate! Special dinners, banners, decorations, etc.....

I found myself in tears most of the day ...... is this the way it's suppose to be? Sure would like to have our old life back .....

We have nailed down the caterer for Pinnacle Days. Now, I just need to order some sky lanterns and get the t-shirt order together. I really want some window decals but might not get those this year. Jason used capital letters a lot when he wrote .... hard to explain but it looked okay. After he died, they took letters from things he had written and wrote the word, HONOR underneath it his initials, JH. which is how he signed things a lot. Several have this as a tatoo including Rich. I thought it would make a nice window decal.

If any of you would like to put together a banner for your child, I still have a few blank ones you can decorate. Just let me know. I'm attaching a picture from an event so you can see what they're like. You can also request them if you would like to display them at something you're doing or just see them. They are sacred to me. And for some, a very healing and comforting way to honor their child. Let me know if you have questions.

I think I mentioned that I've asked a young girl who loved Jason as an "uncle" to sing, Tonight I Light This Candle at Pinnacle Days. If she indeed can do it, I'm thinking of putting together a picture tribute of our children and other loved ones who are no longer with us. Pinnacle Days is a celebration of not only Jason's life but all of our children and loved ones. So, I'll let know if we can pull it together. Do you think it would be too sad to have a candle lighting along with the song at Pinnacle Days?

Well guys, hope you had a grand weekend! Personally, I'm glad it's almost over ......

[lolynbo]

TANNER TANNER TANNER...HUGGS AND SWEET ANGEL FELT DAYS FOR YOUR FAMILY

[ericasmom]

Sleep tight All, love you each, just very tired. Carol, so good to see you tonight, Bon, how's the foot? Shellyku, I do love that poem and thanks. Glad that you liked that song Sherry adn Rhonda. I agree the words are quite poignant. The peach cake was pretty good, and the pie is delicious.

Sweet thoughts

[mysonrich]

TANNER, TANNER, TANNER.....saying your name out loud, thinking of you and your mom, remembering her words, your family , your cute grin.

[mysonrich]

These past couple of days I have written often, posted nothing, lost a word page, sorted my thoughts.

I have digested,pondered,gave pause to some thoughts and regurgitated a lot. Our own truth to be self evident. And we all hold fast to own own truth. I would say that a cork was released from the top of a volcano. 2 years, 6 months and 21 days. I was meant with silence. Could this be true on both sides or was it easier to hold fast to her own truth and not question. I know my truth and if I should ask forgiveness, that would be from God and Rich. Not that I did not do everything I could for my son in his life, and as he spread his wings in life,often guessing as to what is and should be, I feel that I should have demanded more from others. And who is to say his life would have been saved. He died. I suppose one thing that I could not comprehend was the pointing of her hand to her neck , a necklace , an urn, with a piece of my son contained with-in . The snarl ,” I did not have mine.” Not understanding I told her I did not have an urn necklace. When I realized what was meant by the comment , it was at that time that I fully understood, she is off her rocker! With good reason. Rich died in his sleep next to her and I have always felt,shared her horror. My sons remains are with me. We shared him in death as we did in life. If I decide to scatter him to the air,earth,sea...that is my decision. She felt that Rich and I did not talk on the phone,perhaps hurting her I snarled back and said, yes. Yes we did and we emailed. We talked when you left for work and why is it that you felt to control him, confine him and really not knowing that he would never forsake his family.

The outcome is the same. The blame is still the same but in my truth I did tell her that I was glad Rich found love. I meant that. And Rich, if the stars were alined and you were watching, you had to know what was going to happen. But if this allows us, I know for me it will happen, if it allows us to take another step, then so be it.

[Guest msnher]

My internet service has been acting up and I have not been able to stay connected for very long. I missed acknowleging Toby and Tanner. I try to be very careful about remembering your children. I hope you had a sign of love from them.

I am so embarrassed! I misspelled Erma Bombeck's name! I'm, like, her biggest fan! Well, me and one million other women. And, I should make a disclaimer. I put quotations around a quote that wasn't a direct quote. I do that. My bad. Sometimes what I hear and what they say are two different things....but the message was powerful. All you writers out there, how do I share the message when I don't know the exact words...but, it's the same message?

Shelly - Stephanie would have been 30 last April. I am finding my emotions and body reacting to tomorrow without my permission. Grief is physical, yes? I determined I would not allow August 9th to be about the day Stephanie died. I didn't want to get "trapped" (there's those damn quotation marks again!) in sadness. She died two years ago. Two years ago August 9th was the worst day of my life. Tomorrow it's just Tuesday. I say all that to my brain, but my body seems to have a hearing deficiency. Stephanie's first birthday was harder for me than her first angelversary. You will be in my thoughts, Shelly. I hope Sarah sends you a magnificant sign.

Betsy - I'm so glad you shared your feelings with us. "Our own truth to be self evident". That statement is full of grace and power. Your writing, this morning, has had a life changing impact on me. My truth. Their truth. Truth. I watched a video recently about what it feels like when we're wrong. It feels the same as being right...until you know you're wrong. I imagine the same can be said about truth. My truth has changed through the course of my life. Religious beliefs, political beliefs, parenting skills. Perhaps the truth is none of us really know. Anything or much of anything. I wonder why knowing is such a big deal? "He died". A truth we all agree on. And, it had a horrible effect on both of you....of course. And, now your paths cross. I picture a moving walkway....like they have in airports...both going in the same direction, to the same destination, on the same path...and the people throwing stones at each other because none of them wanted to be on this damn walkway. It always has to be someone's fault....why, I wonder. It's worse when we own the blame thinking they should be throwing bigger stones at us.

Bonnie - Pinnacle Days. I love that you do that...pinnacle days. Deep sigh. Wish you didn't have to.

[ericasmom]

Beautiful Betsy.

[Guest msnher]

Two years ago today I called Stephanie to tell her that her ex missed his visit with the kids. It was the last time I spoke to her. I was glad he missed the visit...it looked good for us. For me it was all about winning in court to get the kids. She was sorry for her son. "Poor Jonathon". It was his birthday visit and her heart was broken for her son.

Stephanie was talented. She had a beautiful singing voice. Her greater talent was in her drawings. Most of them are gone, now. I don't know where they got scattered to. She wrote poetry. In her younger years, when I made the kids read to me before bed each night, she picked darker poetry to read. Maybe her greatest talent was in making others laugh. I thought she could have been the next Lucille Ball. Except for her it wasn't acting. She just was funny, without trying. Sometimes she would burst into tears when she made us laugh, "It isn't funny!" She cried like Lucille Ball. Mouth open and the loud "waaaa" coming out of her mouth. That, in itself, was funny. She would always end up laughing with us, though.

I taught her to drive a stick shift at the cemetery. She couldn't kill anybody there. She could practice stopping and going on a hill. She kept killing the car or jerking us all in the car as she tried to manuever the clutch and/or brake and/or gas at the same time. It happened so often we laughed...me, her then boyfriend and her sister. Go...jerk...kill the car. Laugh.

I couldn't drive "Old Yeller", Gary's huge monster Ford truck from hell. The seat no longer adjusts and I can barely reach the pedals. She laughed at me as I jerked the truck into the parking lot to pick her up. It would become her truck until we could get her a more appropriate vehicle. "I hate this damn truck!" I said as I got out of the truck. I was mad at Gary for something. I have no idea what, now. I was cursing the truck and cursing my husband. She began to quote bible scriptures to me and tell me the Lord would want me to just love and appreciate my husband. "Stephanie, if you are going to quote scripture and talk about God every time I gripe to you I am going to quit talking to you!"

She laughed and said "I don't want you to quit talking to me, Mom. Let's try again." She mocked me, opened her eyes big and tried to hide her smile, "Okay, I'm listening. Now, tell me what happened."

With my lips pursed I said "I don't remember." We both burst into laughter. I threw the keys to her and told her to drive that I didn't care if I ever drove this damn truck again. She drove without even a jerk. Smooth as a cadillac. We went back to the cemetery. The same one I taught her to drive in. We parked beneath a tree and sat and ate and visited.

That was the Wednesday before she died.

She died.

Deep sigh.

I'm not at all happy about it. I still think it was a mistake. But, I can be happy about other stuff and unhappy about that at the same time. Now. Not two years ago. Two years ago my grief was all I could feel. Well, not exactly two years ago. Exactly two years ago she was still alive.

[andy88]

Remembering Joey and Tanner...

Hello Friends,

Hope you are all doing as well as possible. Hugs to all.

With love,

Pam

[Guest msnher]

Out of my four babies, Stephanie was the only one that had separation anxiety. I couldn't even walk out of the room without her wailing.

[ericasmom]

• The play by play Sus is what shows you the sweetness of Steph's and yours relationship. The laughter and the sharing...Taught Erz how to drive at the cemetery also, I learned in the same cemetery that Eri now lies.

[hotrod]

Dear Sus Thank You so very much for sharing the precious, poignant, special memories of Stephanie. I feel as if I have gotten to know her much better . I can now feel and see that she was an artist, a poet and a special women with a great sense of humor and a love of life and her children. I know how you and the children miss her and am so glad that the happy memories are coming to you to off set the sorrow. I do remember the "driving lessons" We did oours in the mall parking lot late at night. In my prayers

Betsy Very powerful and honest thoughts and feelings. I can see that you have really pondered the confrontation and are journeying to the other side of this anger. I too was grateful that Stephen had found such a precious love, even if she and I did not agree. I do not believe I ever shared that with his girlfriend You did, and I am proud that you did. Keep on sharing about this and, I believe more positive memories will be revealed Stephen's GF told me I was his ancient past and she had more grief than I as he was her present and future. I really had to work hard on not engaging with that one. but, as you said everyone has his own truth or reality. . No one can know the extent of a Parent's pain until they experience it themselves. I would not wish that on my worst enemy..

Bonnie and Rhonda I too have many days as you described The celebrations, the old joy of life is gone I am glad. Pinnacle day is again shaping up I would like to urge all who have not submitted a flag to honor your child to do so. This was a very powerful action that I took to honor Stephen and it helped lift my grief. Bonnie I do hope you can also do the video of the angels I believe Shawn's mom did one and it was lovely.

Sherry I know that peach tree will be back as soon as your caring touch finishes tending to it. I agree Dee's peach pie sounds delicious. I attended a party this week and they grilled peaches for desert They were delicious Have you tried them?

Be well Indigos Have a day surrounded by the love of your angels

[Guest msnher]

Will I ever be able to treat her angelversary as just another day? Even though my will wants to, my heart won't let me. This pain and sadness helps no one. It is useless. Is there a trick or a button or an incantation I can say/do to make it better?

I'm sitting here, ignoring my grandchildren filling up water bottles in the kitchen, planning on making mud. Normally I would put a stop to it but not this time. What's up with that? Is this a step backwards? Is there a "backwards" in grief? Or, is it always moving forward? Have I slipped? Does this mean I'm a fraud?

Where is she? Why isn't she here when I need her? Why is it she is blocked from me but I can hear from your children? Am I wallowing? Is it self pity? Will this pass?

I'm ready to move out of grief. Why aren't I...moving out instead of further in? Oh God! I want to touch her skin. I want to smell her hair. I want to hear her laughter. I'm resisting the temptation to call the coroner and demand to see the photos of the accident. Something. Anything. I just want to hold on to her a bit longer. The dirt and grass mixed with her blood that I gathered from the crash site has dried. It still sits in my nightstand. A small Christmas box I just happened to still have in my car.

My son drove me to the crash site the day after she died. They (the authorities) had tried to clean up the site as best they could. I dug through the dirt to get to her blood. My son and I knelt as I gathered the dirt, her blood still wet, I held it to my heart and rocked back and forth. No tears. "Are you okay, Mom?" My son whispered. "Yes." I lied. I could have gone forever without washing my hands. It was gory to me. It wasn't gross. It was the last sign of life from my daughter.

I snuck in the house and washed my hands, tears streaming down my cheeks, before the children could see me.

So this is grief. Continuing. Enduring. Powerful. It still won't be ignored. Damn, beautiful, intimate grief.

[Guest msnher]

Sorry, guys. I don't mean to monopolize the board. I seem to have to vocalize (or type) my feelings to understand them. I don't seem to be able to do that without an audience. When I journal, I seem to know it's to myself and I never figure things out. When I know someone will be reading (or not) I seem to figure things out better. I guess that's the narcissist in me.

Grief makes me sick to my stomach. It makes my limbs feel weak. It makes me sleepy.

[westleysmom]

Sus-I was at my MIL's yesterday and I picked up a photo album I had made her of pictures from her 50th wedding anniversary party that we had in May 2009. There were only a couple or three of pictures with Westley in them. One is him and his granddaddy with their arms around each other's necks. Another of Westley and my MIL and my daughter. There were none of my whole family, none of the grandkids all together. And I think What the hell was I thinking not taking all the shots I should have taken? Of course, we were hosting the reception and trying to keep food and drinks out and greet everybody. I guess we should have hired a photographer. I looked at the pictures and just started crying because I'm afraid I'm going to forget what it was like to be around him. You know, his voice, the loudness of it, the sound of his laugh, his PRESENCE. Now all I have is his absence and the memories of his presence feel like they are fading. So I'm trying to say that I don't think we're going back, we're just still working through, right? This is all part of it, part of the after. Sending you hugs as you go through it.

[hoosiermom]

I saved Brianna's clothes she was wearing the day she died and put them in a plastic freezer bag, so that I can always open it up and smell her. She didn't have a Facebook page, she couldn't talk so I have no last voicemail from her, this is all I have and I'll be damned if anyone tells me it's weird.

Holding your hand Susannah...we are all here for you.

Dee--I am in east central Indiana, halfway between Indy and Ft Wayne. It's about 3 hrs drive from here to Chicago and I've only been there once in my life. Loved it though, my impression was a big city with a small town feel to it

Love and light to all Indigos

[Guest msnher]

Baby steps today. Being gentle with myself and others. Did a couple of loads of laundry (it's always laundry), made the kids club sandwiches and lemonade for lunch. Solved a couple of fights and retold (for the 100th time) the story of the first time Jordynn ate chocolate. I'll retell it here.

Jennifer was a wonderful, albeit over protective, mother with her first born (Jordynn, almost 8yrs ago). I don't know how old Jordynn was. She could sit up by herself and was eating solid food - baby food, but food. Jennifer only gave her healthy food. Absolutely NO sweets. I snuck Jordynn into the spare bedroom and gave her a small bite of my hershey bar. Jordynn lit up like a Christmas tree! Num, num, num. She wanted more! Together, she and I, sitting on the floor, enjoyed her first taste of chocolate. Jennifer caught us. "Mother, what are you doing?" in a quiet 'I know what you're doing, but you are going to tell me with your own lips' type voice. "giving her chocolate" I replied, head down, guilty as charged. "Will it hurt her?" When I assured her a little chocolate would not hurt her baby she walked out of the room to get her camera. She wanted a picture of her baby's face now covered in chocolate. When the picture was developed there were three distinct angels standing behind Jordynn and me. Amanda's exhusband has the picture and won't give it up.

My grandkids love that story. They laugh with excitement each time at Grandma getting in trouble for feeding Jordynn chocolate.

[briansdad]

I found this song and I found it really great to close my eyes and picture my son.His big smile.Holding his baby girl.Catching a fish bigger than mine.

Try it. I think my heart rate dropped 10 beats a minute.

[shellyku]

Brian's Dad (sorry I am still trying to get angels matched with their parent) - what a beautiful piece of music!

I did what you did and closed my eyes...I could see Sarah smiling and making all the crazy faces she was

famous for! I would like you all to go to my gallery where my daughter Jill posted some pictures of our family.

I have another poem I found on the internet that also gives me some measure of comfort. I pray that all of you

have a blessed day. Tomorrow is Sarah's birthday and I know Susannah you will be feeling the weight of

Steph's angelversary...prayers all around. The poem is entitled "All Is Well":

Death is nothing at all,

I have only slipped into the next room

I am I and you are you

Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by my old familiar name,

Speak to me in the easy way you always used.

Put no difference in your tone,

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,

Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,

Just around the corner,

All is well.

Henry Scott Holland

1847-1918

Love and prayers to all! Shelly

.

[ericasmom]

Shelly that poem is what I believe, it is what I think Erica has reinforced with her signs and signals and I thank you for posting it.

Greg that music is astounding, pure beauty, I am ice skating with ERi and Jon throughout th esong, on the frozen area near the lake in the heart of downtown but the quiet part because the noise is muffled by the trees that surround the park adn the lake causes the sounds of the city to be diminished. Lovely.

[briansdad]

Shelly that poem is what I believe, it is what I think Erica has reinforced with her signs and signals and I thank you for posting it.

Greg that music is astounding, pure beauty, I am ice skating with ERi and Jon throughout th esong, on the frozen area near the lake in the heart of downtown but the quiet part because the noise is muffled by the trees that surround the park adn the lake causes the sounds of the city to be diminished. Lovely.

[aim630]

There is so much I want to respond to, but I can't remember it all.

Thinking of Joey, Tanner and Toby and their families. Hope each of you were able to get through the day with loving memories of your sons.

Thinking of Susannah and Shelly also, as the remember their sweet girls, Stephanie and Sarah tomorrow. Know that we are all here to help you through the day. I hope you feel their presence and love surrounding you.

We kept 2 of the grandkids this weekend. Audrey is 8 and Lucas is 5. Lucas looked at Ashley's stocking which is still hanging from the mantel, and asked whose it was. We told him Ashley, and he said "Is it for when she comes back?" andAudrey said matter of factly,"she can't come back, she's dead!" Lucas then asked if I knew what was in there. I almost said, yes, because I put it there, so dumbfounded by this conversation,not even thinking he would think Santa brought it. I told him yes, that there was socks, lip gloss, bath items in there. He asked if there was chocolate, and I told him yes. He wanted to eat it. He was only 3 when Ashley died, so doesn't really remember her. He only saw her occasionally, his mother, Ashley's stepsister and her were not close, although Chris spent a lot of time with us at the hospital, and visited Ashley quite often after she woke up. She had a closer relationship with my other stepdaughter.

There was a shooting near Akron, not far from us. Some guy shot 8 people, 3 of them kids, before the police shot him. The 11 yr old was hiding, and he hunted him down. I feel for the families, I think one of the 16 yr old girls was just a friend of the family, and happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, of course they all were. Such a terrible tragedy. The girlfriend of the shooter,is still alive, I hope she pulls through.

I saw the family of Katie's soccer teammate who killed herself 3 months ago, for the first time. I could only say hi. I feel ashamed for not saying more. I acted just like most people were to me, not even bringing up their daughter's name. Maybe next time I won't be such a coward.

Dreading Sept 1st, college drop off day for Katie. God knows I've been through worse, but I still am not looking forward to it. We already have parents' day reservations for Sept 30th though.

Thinking of all our angels as birthdays and angelversaries pass. Love and hugs to all...

Amy/Ashley 's mom

[Toby'sMom]

I love that poem Shelly.... thanks for posting it.

[nicksdad]

[ericasmom]

So pretty Dan, the light and color surrounding Stephanie.

Amy, boy I was thinking about you today and wondering when Katie was off to school adn there you were just now telling us that info. I know you don't look forward to it, but what an honor for Kate to go to the school she has dreamed of attending. I like the exchange between the kids, we had a similar one the other day tha tmy sister told me about with Anna and Alex in the car. Anna said something about balloons at ERI-fest and Alex, (lives in Florida) said 'what is ERI-fest?" Anna told her it is called that cause Aunt dee had a daughter named Erica who got hit by a train and so everyone gets together to remember her and send her balloons so that she can see them from Heaven."

Alex said, "I know who Erica is, she met us before we were born and she loves us even though we were born after she died." Anna said, " Maybe we should have pictures of us on the balloons so that Eri recognizes us when we go to Heaven." The girls are my great nieces one almost 6 and one almost 7.

Prayers for those that were shot in Ohio the other day. Sad sad times.

[ericasmom]

SARAH

SARAH

SARAH

A heavenly Birthday for you-please whoop it up with our Angels and make sure to let Mom feel your presence as she sends you a thousand words of love on this day of your arrival.

[ericasmom]

STEPHANIE---STEPHANIE---STEPH

You are missed beyond any words written but the words from your Babies mouths, their hearts, your Mommas heart, those are the words that help describe the missing. It is deep like a canyon and wide like an ocean, and it holds so much of YOU in it. Visit the Family today and let them have a sense of the peace you now own, let them know that you are always near and always loving them.

Sus, the day of Stephanie's leaving probably will never just be the 9th of August. Numbers have significance and hold a myriad of meaning in them. This date, 8-09, always one that will cause you to search the years for the Girl of your Dreams. May you feel her deep and undying love.

[hotrod]

Sarah, Sarah Sarah

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

HappyBday.bmp

[hotrod]

STEPHANIE, STEPHANIE STEPHANIE

EMBRACE YOUR FAMILY WITH THE WARMTH OF YOUR LOVE

[mikesmum]

Calligraphy sees me searching for 'quotes' etc. Stumbled over this today. For Steph, Kayla, Jessica, Michelle, Erica, Bethany, and so many of our young angels....gone far too soon.

She's somewhere in the sunlight strong,

Her tears are in the falling rain.

She calls me in the winds soft song

And with the flowers she comes again.

Unknown

Freezing here, snow dusting the mountain tops around us.....

[mysonrich]

Stephanie , Stephanie, Stephanie...Saying your name outloud. I sat outside last night and listened to the night sounds, looking above at the distant storm clouds, hearing a distant runble of thunder and I thought...it's Stephanie in the truck !

[ericasmom]

Trudi,

thank you, what a lovely piece to work your artistic hand. Here is one you may also like:

Dormancy

She is north that waits in darkness

She is winter when all is still

She is earth listening for spring rain.

[mysonrich]

[Guest msnher]

HAPPY BELLY BUTTON DAY, SARAH! I'm holding you close today, Sarah.

[nicksdad]

[shorty16]

Stephanie

Stephanie

Stephanie

Stephanie

Stephanie

Stephanie

Stephanie

Sus - Thinking of you and your family as you think of your Stephanie - we are saying her name. May the wings of our angels comfort you and yours.

Colleen

[shorty16]

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Sarah.

Colleen

[Guest msnher]

Dan - Your tributes always touch my heart, but this one, well...let me tell you.......I stared at a rainbow yesterday imagining Stephanie in it. AND I changed my facebook profile picture to Stephanie for today. I almost changed it to butterflies, similar to the one you used. THANK YOU!

Betsy - I literally laughed when I read that you thought of Steph driving "Old Yeller". You are too cool.

Dee - Our earth mother. Bless you. I love the exchange between the children about the balloons and knowing Erica and Eri fest.

Amy - I, too, was wondering how you were holding up as the time draws closer to send Katie to school. Did you let the kids have the chocolate?

Trudi - Strong, beautiful words, for sure.

Thank you all! Karen, I wonder how you are as you approach Shawn's first angelversary. You are always in my thoughts.

I had a strange dream. I was working as assistant manager for a large apartment complex again. The apartments were scattered with separate entrances. I was locking up all the apartments, even the occupied ones (??) , for the end of the day. A young boy, about 12, was riding by on his bike. He had an automatic rifle. He saw me, laughed, and said "I'm going to kill her" and he began shooting. I fell to the ground, faking death, but he walked over to me - shooting me as he walked, even though I already looked dead, and when he got above me, he put the gun to my chest and pulled the trigger. My dream was interrupted by my alarm clock.

The dream is probably in relation to all the violent deaths occurring right now in the world. I can't talk about it all without taking on all the negative emotion, like a magnet. But, I am keeping up with the news. I feel obligated to know. I don't know why.

On the shallow side of life, I bought my birthday present from Gary. Tickets to Reba McIntyre! My birthday isn't until September and she won't be here until October, but Woo Hoo! The Band Perry will open for her. I splurged and got good seats - 5 - yep, we're taking the kids. Not floor seats. I hate sitting on the floor. Uncomfortable seats. People stand up in front of you. People pushing to get closer to the stage. I didn't want the kids subjected to that. So, I'm excited.

The world is a mess right now. Oh - I switched back to the topic of the world, away from Reba. Anyway, the world is a mess right now. It is a time for each of us to hold on to our faith, what ever that might be. There is a shift taking place. Literally and spiritually. As we lift the bereaved up in prayer or whatever spiritual practice we follow, and we should be lifting them up constantly, it is important to not allow the weight of the world's grief to overpower us. Our strength comes from joy and peace.

We cannot be joyful about such horrid devastation, but we can be joyful about other things. We must find something, anything to turn our thoughts and energy towards with purpose. As each one of us reach inward, to the strength of our Creator (surely the Creator lives in his/her creation) and focus that strength outwardly, with purpose, we will change one tiny piece of the world at a time.

Yes, my heart feels the loss of my Stephanie. Oh, my heart feels the loss of the last 53 yrs of life. Indeed, some of us have lost more...paid a heavy price for the opportunity to live. Yes, my heart grieves with all of you and your heavy hearts. My heart wails against all the violence, the sex slave trade, the wars, domestic violence...injustice. And, my heart soars with strength to the very heartbeat of God. There is still beauty in the world. As we reach out to comfort, help, change the situation of all the broken hearts, we must tap into that strength or we will be overcome and smothered in the same darkness we abhor.

Thank you all for your words of comfort and love for my Stephanie. Know that my heart is strong again. I grieved yesterday. I might cry some today. But, today Stephanie would want me to donate the time and broken hearts expressed for her to changing the world.

We can make a difference. Light a candle. Say a prayer. Meditate. Kill a chicken. Whatever it is you do to connect with your creator. Please, do it today. The time is now. Our call is urgent. It is a wonderfully exciting time to be on planet earth! (I was just kidding about the chicken)

Much love! Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

In honor of Stephanie's memory (sorry about the political add -didn't know how to get rid of it)

http://youtu.be/JfsG-i587lU

[Guest msnher]

One more for the human race.

http://youtu.be/k2W4-0qUdHY

[westleysmom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday SARAH

Party with our Angels and fill your Mom's heart with your love today and every day.

[rlolheiser]

Sarah.. Sarah.. Sarah... a beautiful name for a beautiful Birthday angel. May your mom feel you walking near her today and everyday.