Loss of an Adult Child

[shorty16]

Crystal

Hang in there my friend. Your family is just in so much pain they lash out at everyone and everything.

My family was like that also. Our entire family dynamic had changed. We went from a family of 5 to a broken family of 4. It took over a year until we got somewhat used to each other again.

I can also relate to your energy level - Below 0. I had no energy to do anything - Why should I, my son is dead? My house was a mess for over a year. I just did not care.

With work from you, your energy level will come back - not to what is was but to a respectable level. I did it by forcing myself to do one task every other day. Going for a walk was and still is one of my favorites. No TV, no Music just the streets, my family and the stars at night. If you have a bonfire pit, that is another one. Playing cards with your kids, Spoons is an awesome game. Even if you take on 1 task a week. That is enough.

34 weeks is not a long time on this grief journey. I am at the beginning of the 4 year mark and I now just feel like I have my life back. This is not an easy journey, but we are here to help.

Consider yourself hugged.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Crystal - I am so glad you posted this morning! I have been wondering how you're doing. Your family is broken right now. Each heart broken, trying to mend and find their own footing. This is not a direct quote from Erma Bombeck. I'm paraphrasing the answer she gave the audience member who asked if she (Erma) had a favorite child. "Yes. It's the one that's gone until they're back. The one that's sick until they're well. The one that's sad until they're happy. It's the one who needs me most." It seems like the sorrow and darkness was at its worse around seven months. Doing the smallest of tasks exhausted me. I ate, slept and lived Stephanie's last moments on earth. The image of her on that guerney, her throat slit, was the main image in my mind at all times. Her death was my every breath. It gets easier, my friend. Or maybe it just gets softer or duller...but, we learn to live with the loss, with the grief. It won't always be this dark for you. Hang on. Please come back. I've missed you!

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmum]

"gut wrenching missing"

Besty - You summed it up perfectly. Into my 4th year I find my grief has dissapated into missing wrapped in sadness. Granted it does seem to be softer, the distance between 'abyss moments' seem longer, but its with me always. I love those pictures, the clarity is excellent. Your daughter is beautiful.

Ahh Colleen - Love that quote from Brian. I used to get that from Mike. He and his siblings would be the secret keepers and I, it would seem at times was blind. I called it the 'duh' moments. Michelle into her 4th? year...another time stamp. Wasn't it yesterday she was on the phone about a 'snickers bar'

Bonnie - I love hearing you have four fosters, the house a mess and yet you are baking! Their story is so sad and unfortunately not uncommon. Thankfully there are fosters like yourself and Marcia that touch their lives and give them a dose of love and normality.

Carol - Seeing Davis taking those first steps is something I know you have waited for. Hope he is able to build on those and find his way back. Glad you got to spend some 'Red Sox' time with Mike all around.

The 'fractured' and broken family is part of the collatoral damage in grief. As Colleen says the family dynamic alters, what we knew before is no longer. Mike was my eldest, his sister now takes that role. Steven had an older brother who when he was at his lowest held onto him. The grandies all had an Uncle Mikooool. Somehow they have all found their places.

After being at the Market, the school has asked if I would like to be more involved. There is the volunteering (I have to have a Working With Children Certificate which is more or less a police and character check), then there is fund raising and community work. Thinking on it I had a dear friend email me this ~

Happiness is something that we have to make an effort to look for. It does not come running down the stairs to us anymore.

Heartfelt words from someone who knows has stirred me into 'looking for happiness'. Working as a volunteer with Zak's school is something that stirs my heart. I was a stay at home mum for the first 6yrs of my kids school lives and enjoyed volunteering at their school. I had forgotten what energy and joy it bought me.

There is a large blackboard erected around a building site here in town. Its sponsered by Eastern Health Pallative Care. It has lines being with 'Before I die I want to.....' and there is chalk for you to complete it. Funny how so many want wealth, holidays, mine was ..."to learn to live in the moment again".

[daveydow1]

Dee-----I have not been bothered with the canker-type sores in the mouth, but always have had

the cold sores from time to time. They are aggravated by: stress, too much sun, any kind of a

bump to the lips.....so the L-lysine will help me......won't make the sores go away altogether,

but make them less painful and severe, and prevent them from spreading. I recently got a

shingles vaccine.....recommended by the Dr. Was a bit leary about the side effects, but went

ahead with it, and had no side effects whatsoever. Did some gardening this evening......cleaning

up and pulling out old plants. Still have many tomatoes, and some peppers left, also pumpkins

and gourds. The smell in the air is a reminder that summer is quickly coming to an end.

Kathy-----Good to see your post.

Christina-----Sending thoughts & prayers for you and your daughter, that your relationship can

progress, and that you will once again become good friends.....mother & daughter again.

Colleen----Yep---the cold sores can be dreadful. I always hated when I could feel that tingling

which then developed into the sore. The L-Lysine helps......I don't get them as bad as I used to.

LOVE the SUNFLOWERS too. We have some nice ones out back that my husband planted, and

3 or 4 right next to the patio that just 'volunteered' (from the winter birdseed on the ground

below the feeders). We just let them go to seed, and the birds help themselves. On, I understand

the difficulty of being at the CF meeting with the subject of 'Memories'. I once went to a church

where Davey attended, to a meeting for bereaved people. It was soon after Dave died. My daughter

went with me......it was led by the lady minister that did Dave's funeral service. Both my daughter

and I just sat there......never saying a word.....letting others do the talking. Just couldn't seem to

bring myself to talk about our loss at that early time.

Diane-----I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time......so very soon for you on this bumpy

road. Praying that you will somehow feel a bit better. Peace to you, friend.

Leah-----So sorry to hear that you are so sick. Please take care of yourself, and I pray that you will

be on the mend very soon.

Rhonda-----Waiting to hear the good news about the birth of the expected dear baby. Let us know when

the little bundle of joy gets here.

Betsy-----So very nice that you had such a great time at Wildwood....(do I have that right ? ) with your daughter.

It does a soul good to just have a change of scenery, and to be close to the natural world, doesn't it ?

Carol----So good to hear encouraging news about Davis' treatment, and his positive attitude. Bless him, and

may he continue to fight the battle just one day at a time.

Didn't get too much sleep last night, so going to read awhile and turn in early. Sleep well all INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[lil406]

Hi all,

The visit is over. My daughter is on her way home. It was a good visit and I think we made good strides in mending our relationship.

My other daugher: not so good. We didn't even talk on our birthday, how sad. This is the first time ever. So very painful.

Missing my lilbug really bad today. I can't even look at anything or touch anything without bawling my eyes out. How am I supposed to job hunt like this? Nobody wants to have a crybaby working for them and of course since they don't know me from Adam, they certainly are not going to take a chance on me. Not to mention they have their pick of applicants these days. Also, why is it when you go on interview they never ever call you back when they choose somebody else. In the dozen or so interviews I have gone on, only ONE has called me to say that they went with somebody else. I could go back to my old job I guess, but I cannot do the physical labor that it requires anymore. So that would be a mistake.

Just feeling down in the mouth so to speak.

Loving my lilbug,

Christina

[aim630]

Just in a blah, bad mood. I've been reading everything, just don't have the energy to say much.

Felt the earthquake today,my chair was shaking at work. I was surprised it originated in Virginia, and we felt it in Ohio. One of my Facebook friends from Virginia said they just felt an aftershock. We didn't feel that one though.

Bonnie, hope everything is ok there. You have a big heart to take in the kids, and give them a stable home for awhile.

Christina, Crystal, CJ, Diane-thinking of you all. After 18 months, it is easier, but still have days of overwhelming grief, and sometimes, I still can't believe it's true. We just keep going on though

Amy/Ashley's mom

[ericasmom]

Amy glad that you are all good, I heard that you Ohioans felt the shake and the local news said some in Chicagoland did too. Bonnie, how close were you to the epicenter? Amy, sorry that you are down but you are heading through the second year and I remember that as a hard time for me.

Bonnie, amazing little group you suddenly have at home. I can imagine the toys and 'stuff' all around, and what a wonderful chaos it must be. I am sorry for the sad lives of the families and hope that somehow, this little respite with you will help the kids keep your generous hearts alive in them, letting them know that there are good people out in the world.

Col, loved the memories of the poster and why it was hanging in the hallway. Oh teens, so silly. I love Brian's sense of humor.

Christina I am sorry that you are hurting so deeply, it really does stink that a heart can break so thoroughly, so shattered...and yet I will beg you to know that one day the shards of your broken heart will begin to mend, not heal, but mend, the hole remains but over time we build new life in it. That takes a bunch of time and cannot be hurried. Hunting for a job while you are in deep grief? That is a hard one especially in this economy. I agree with you about the call backs, it is a much less polite work environment we live today, there is no obligation to let folks know when they don't get a job. Very hard. I wish you better news in the job front. What kind of work did you used to do? What kinds of work are you looking for?

Trudi, I know that for myself, being around an active community of children is the medicine for my soul and going back to work just 5 weeks after ERi died was the best medicine as the kids were my way of living in the moment. That is what magic kids bring, they are living in the moment, each moment. It is lovely adn something we should all try to aspire to do. It is much harder to do whe we have lost a child, but the kids remind me that right now makes a difference to them. Ilove that you wrote that you want to learn to live in the moment. Right now is very important.

Big storms coming again, we had several today. I am hoping that it will be dry in the AM so that our new students can line up on the blacktop on the first day of school. It is supposed to be 90 out tomorrow, it has been wonderful and in the 70's and 80's but tomorrow, HOT!

I spoke with Earl at school today, he is the man whose Son was shot and killed just 4 weeks ago. His Son was 18. I told Earl that I know what it is to say ' I'm fine" when you are really not fine at all. I told him about you guys and I told him that if ever he needed to just talk to someone who gets it, to come see me anytime. He looked a bit surprised, but he said, "thanks" . I did not want to make him feel uncomfortable so I just talked briefly and told him to come find me if he wants a shoulder.

Jonathan and Erica's Grandmom is in the hospital tonight, surgery for a broken hip. Betty is 93. Prayers for this sweet woman.

[mikesmum]

Dee - You are so right. I struggle with the idea of salvaging part of who I was when Mike died and there is just too much of that intertwined with his death. Being with the grandies is like oxygen and I got that same feeling doing the sausage sizzle with Zak and fruit duty with Jeya.

Hope you are all weathering the quakes and storms....stay safe.....

[ericasmom]

Trudi, take in great stores of oxygen with those kids of yours, and I shall do the same in just a little while. Love you.

[shorty16]

Ruby,

Everyone is welcome here !!! Please share with us.

My son, Brian died in a car crash on 6-19-2008. It took my family several years to learn to live with this new family-dynamic - 4 of us instead of 5. We do talk about Brian, but my son, Aaron has an issue with anyone talking about Brian the did not know him intimitly. He gets angry - We are working with him.

Thanks for sharing

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Good Morning my Indigo Pals,

Bonnie - I thought of you and my friend Carol in the East. Hope you are all OK? Also, hoping the 4 kids are learning alot from you and Rich. That is what it is all about is letting these kids know that their are loving, caring, law-abiding citizens who can thrive in a community. With Pinnacle Dals coming up, I have been thinking about my visit to your area, the fun I had, and the view that Jason and Brian have. WOW

Dee - Hope back-to-work is going well? Storms last night, but I did not hear them. I really must post pictures of my sunflowers. There are deep red ones like the one I brought you for Eri-fest and there are yellow ones streaked with red - so BEAUtiful. The wonder of nature is truly wonderful!!!

Amy - You are in the second year of grief after Ashley's death. For me, the second year was harder than the first. Reality really takes hold and we are forced to live our lives without our kids. Hang in there my friend. After the first 2 years, I began to decide to live again and found ways to do that. You will too. It just takes time, lots of it. Consider yourself hugged.

Christina - Glad that your visit with your one daughter was good, and so sorry you did not talk to your other daughter on your birthdays. Everyone is so hurt right now, it is easy to lash out at everyone and everything. Hope the ice gets broken soon between you to. Take care my friend.

Sherry - I really must post pictures of my sunflowers. I have never seen anything so beautiful. The sunflower heads are really not that big on the red and streaked flowers, they are branched; therefore, have many flowers on one stalk. I do however have one giant sunflower whose head is the size of a dinner plate.

Funny Story - My sister is afraid of sunflowers!!!! How can you be afraid of a flower??? She will not go on the side of my house or on my back porch, because the sunflowers are in bloom. I just found this out about my sister 1 year ago. Too Funny!!!!!

Love to my friends

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[westleysmom]

My daughter went to her dr's appointment yesterday and if she doesn't go into labor before next Tuesday (her last office appointment), they will schedule for her to be induced on September 3 (Labor day weekend). She was induced with the first and she was in labor for a long time, so I hope that she can get started on her own. Cross your fingers.

I had a horrible day Monday and called my friend Susan, whose son Andrew, you might remember, passed away just before Westley did. They are moving this week from the home they had lived in for 14 years to be closer to her new job. She was doing okay, a lot of stress from moving. She said she had been constantly on the verge of tears for the past few weeks, and I can certainly understand that. I'm not moving and having to come across things that remind me of Westley all the time, and I'm on the verge of tears a lot too. I think a lot of mine is just nervous energy from waiting for the baby to get here and what that will mean to the family dynamic. This baby will never know an Uncle Westley, I will never have a picture that includes him and Westley both so that my family is all in one picture. Did I mention that my MIL gave me a picture frame for my birthday that says "Family" at the bottom of it? I know she must have just thought it was pretty or matched my house or something, but I hate it. Its been sitting on a table in the den beside the phone, and every time I look at it, I want to pick it up and throw it across the room. And stomp on the broken pieces. My family is broken and I don't have a picture of my family and I never will. Can you tell the anger is back? Those damn stages of grief are never quite over for good, if they're ever over at all.

Amy-Glad you're okay (from the earthquake, anyway). Susan and you and I are all about at the same stage right behind Susannah, and I hope that we are able to work through the days leading up to anniversary #2 and live to tell the tale. At least I think I do. I hear about people saying they want to live forever, and I think "Haven't I already lived forever?" Anyway, I know what you mean and I'm right there with you.

Betsy-Sarah is beautiful. Love the pictures.

Colleen-We had a tiny bb sized hole in our wood front door courtesy of Westley's new air bb pistol when he was 12 or 13. That door was solid wood and I had always wanted a window since it was dark in that corner of the room, so we replaced it last year with a half glass one. That was in the time period when we were both trying desperately to think of something to do. It was funny, though, I wanted to do projects around the house to have something to do, but I didn't want to change it from the way it was before. Westley wouldn't recognize it, I was afraid. Isn't that crazy? Like I thought he would be back. But I think he would like the changes we made. He had been helping my husband build a vanity for the bathroom in the hall, and when we put it in, one of the guys that works for my husband helped us take out the old one and put in the new one. It was probably February, the next month, or maybe early March. i kept having to go away from them to cry because it should have been Westley helping him. Life sucks. Sometimes I think that not only does happiness not come running down the stairs to me anymore, it runs screaming in the opposite direction. Or worse, is gone for good or at least not in the vicinity. I know that sounds awful considering I still have my daughter and grandchild(ren), but I keep thinking that just because one horrible thing has happened to me doesn't mean that something else horrible won't happen.

Betty-Hope you are doing okay, if you've posted lately, I missed it. I was on the phone with somebody in NYC yesterday afternoon and he said they felt the earthquake and I wondered if you were in the city or not.

Dee-Have a great day back at school. It's hot here too, but supposed to cool down slightly over the next few days.

Ruby-Welcome, I'm not always such a downer, no wait, maybe I am. But some days I have more luck sounding sane and normal. Today, not so much.

Hugs to you all today and every day

[shorty16]

Rhonda

Hang in there my friend. For me, the second year was harder than the first year. It does get a bit easier going into the 3 year mark. I do not know why.

I am 3 years and 2 months into this journey and I must say, most of the time I feel OK. Sad, but OK.

This is a terrible journey we are on and our future with our kids is lost.

Also, I too could not look at family pictures for a very long time. I refused to take any until we went to the Pacific Ocean. There we had someone take the picture on the beach after spreading ashes. That picture has some meaning to me, but someone will always be missing.

There are no words I can say to you to make you feel better other than - Consider yourself hugged.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[daveydow1]

Amy----Sorry that you're a bit down. What a rough road we're on, huh ? I hope that your

memories of your dear girl will help lift your spirits. Did your Katie go off to college yet?

We did not feel any noticeable shocks from the earthquake in Virginia, and I am East of

where you live........wonder why? Must be the geological lay of the land or something.

I hope you will feel better soon.

Dee-----Hope that the first day of school went well. Hectic....I can imagine.....with all the

excited students. I think they feel a bit giddy to be back with their friends. It should

settle down after the first week, right? I canned tomatoes the other day, and will

be doing more in a couple days. Also made a peach/blueberry pie. Husband loved it.

Colleen----Oh yes......I'd love to see your pics of the sunflowers. We also have some of

the types with multiple flower heads, and the other ones with one large head. There

are a lot of varieties. My husband likes to plant them each year, and likes to try different

types. Can't think why your sis would be afraid of sunflowers....who knows? I, so, know

what you mean about taking pics of family/friends etc. and always......always.....the painful

reminder that there is a dear one missing. Too sad, really. I am now looking through scads

of pics of Davey........looking for a snapshot of him, where I can cut a small heart-shaped

pic to fit into a heart-shaped locket that my older son gave to me when Davey died. The

little clasp on it broke off, so I want to put the pic of Davey in it, then take it to a jeweler to

have it soldered shut.. Davey will be near my heart.

Ruby-----I would like to welcome you to this site. No matter when we've lost a loved one----no

matter how long or short of a time, we still have sadness. I'm sorry for your loss of your

dear sister so long ago. I, too, have a long-ago loss----of my baby daughter, Lisa, who died

at the age of 6 mo. over 40 yrs. ago. Everyone here shares their stories and their grief, and

with understanding friends here, it makes the load a little easier to bear. My son, Davey, died

at age 31 in 2003. Grief is a very personal journey, and everyone at BI (formerly called Beyond Indigo)

knows and understands that there is no set "timetable" that one must go by. Each must walk at

their own pace. But, with the help of each other, here at BI, we can continue to walk forward.

Please come back to this site. We welcome you here, friend.

Rhonda----Prayers for your daughter & baby.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[rlolheiser]

Been trying to get some stuff done, it just doesn't come easy anymore. My little guy went to school today, he is starting 2nd grade, how time flies. I had a nice trip visiting my family back home, their lives are still in a mess and I know I have to stay back a bit and just watch. The graveyards were kinda pretty yesterday, it was really hot and quiet.. I would have sat there for hours but to much to do.

Sherry, sure hope you get some good rest.. I hate sleepless nights.

Dee,I hope Jon and Eri's grandmother does ok, thinking of you all.

Carol, wishing you strength to get through the tough times your in. I know to well how it goes and I know how helpless you feel.

Bonnie, wow, you are such a blessing for the children in your care. I am so happy your there for them.

Ruby, it is hard for children to get through death and dying. My grandaughter died in an accident in 2006 and she has a younger sister who was not hurt in the accident, but it left her troubled. I encourage her to talk about her sister, she was and is a great influence in her life. Sadly other people don't feel the same way, I will never understand people why people react differently and don't celebrate this treasured life, why do they act as if it didn't exist

Thinking of you all.. I am feeling better still got some junk in my lungs, but each day I feel stronger.. and that is my wish and prayer to all.. feel stronger..

[briansdad]

Just dropping in to say ( and I know others here have mentioned it ) the book Heaven is for Real is great.

I know my Dad was there to meet Brian and this book really confirms that. I wouldn't have wanted anyone else other than my Dad to meet Brian other than the Lord.

Take care.

[lil406]

So what do I do now? A friend of mine called me today to ask if I knew about the posting for my daughters things for sale that her boyfriend sold right after she passed. No I didn't so I went to search for the posting and found it. Most of the stuff was things that I knew she wouldn't care one way or the other, but a few of the items I know she would have wanted her sister to have or even her niece. He didn't even ask ME if I wanted the items. I know he is hurting financially and so am I but I could have come up with something. He even sold her touch lamp I bought for her last xmas, and her IPOD with all her music on it. Another blow to my heart! How many more stabs can my heart take before I just collapse? I am just sick.

Today is one of those days that I just can't stop crying. How can I function like this? I am just really lost today and I am supposed to hunt for work this way, yeah right! At this point I could easily just move into a cardboard box and shut the world out. But I think my new hubby would have something to say about that. Give that some time too and he will get tired of all this and be happy if I did move into box. He is giving me the impression he thinks: "I should be over this by now, so why am I not!". We all know that is not going to happen, so what now. He never had kids of his own so he really doesn't get it. He told his aunt while I was away at her services "Hey I had a daughter for a whole 30 days!". I had her for much much longer.

I keep calling the Trooper to find out about accident report and he never calls me back. What is up with that? Same thing when I call to get copy of coroner's report. Why? I am her mother, I just want to know what they say. It is not going to change the fact that my baby is gone. It isn't going to bring her back. These PROFFESIONAL people don't know me so why are they giving me the cold shoulder. Just hurts even more.

Loving my lilbug forever,

Christina

[aim630]

Christina-that is terrible that your daughter's boyfriend sold her things without asking if you would like them first. Cold-hearted and mean, in my opinion. Some of the other parents he have had similar experiences. Ashley had just started dating her boyfriend when she got sick, so he had nothing of hers, but he was a very nice young man. Some of her previous boyfriends were losers though, she had finally met anise one. I'm sorry you have the added stress of trying to find a job while in these early stages of grief. I hope you find something soon. My husband was Ashley's stepfather for 21 years, since she was 2, but I still don't think he feels it the same way I do. He asked me what was wrong last night, and I told him, you don't know?? I hope your husband can support you,even if he doesn't completely understand the pain. Hugs to you.

Ruby-Welcome, I'm sorry for the loss of your sister 30 years ago and your mom. I'm glad you found us. There are not really any other sites out there like this one. I've tried to find something for my daughter who is 18, and lost her 23 yr old sister 18 months ago. She is "ok", but I know she would like someone to talk to who understood losing a sibling. I have not bee able to find an online group for surviving siblings.

Rhonda-Yes, we are almost exactly in the same stage. Some days I'll be ok, then it hits me all over again. I understand about the family picture frame, and how it hurts to have someone missing. One thing I hate, is the window clings in cars that show Daddy, Mommy, 4 kids and a dog. I get bitter about their perfect, happy families. Katie asked my why I hated them, and I said with bitterness, what do they do if one kid dies, do they take her stick figure off the window? I know that is terrible, and I shouldn't have said it, especially to an 18 yr old, who dearly misses her sister. Just the meanness in me coming out.On a positive note, I hope your daughter is able to go into labor on her own. I know it will be bittersweet without Westley there.

Dee-Hope your first day back to school was good. Enjoy the kids, they are lucky to have such a great teacher.

Sherry-My mom and husband and even some co-workers did not feel the earthquake. It was just a slight trembling of the chair, I think you had to be sitting down to feel it:) We are dropping Katie off next Thursday. I asked her if she had started packing yet, and she said no, she still has a week. Guess what I'll be helpin her do next Weds night? Your pie sounds great! I had my first garden with peppers, tomatoes, and strawberries 2 yrs ago, but last year and this one, it's just been weeds. Maybe next summer I'll feel like working in it.

Susannah, Colleen, Carol, Betsy, Betty, Leah, Trudi, everyone...thinking of you all. Sweet dreams tonight.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[aim630]

Lots of typos in my last entry-using my iPad, hard to type on this

[summergirl]

Dear Friends....just wanted to stop in as I am hurting so bad....a very good friend of Jessica's died last night from drowning....another young life gone to soon, another set of parents and siblings beginning a terrible new journey...Please say a prayer for our new Angel Claudia...

love to all of you, Kathy

In the picture: Trish, Claudia in the middle and my Jessica.....I am so sad....

[ericasmom]

Hi All, I am bleary eyed and ready for bed but want to say goodnight. Kathy I am so sad for your Daughter's good friend, Claudia. Such a pretty name. Where was she when she died? How are her family members? How are you? So very difficult, so shocking. One more angel entered their heavenly place, peace to her.

Thanks to everyone that sent positive thoughts to both my first day to school and for prayers for Betty, my former MIL.

I will talk with you all tomorrow.

peace out

[mikesmum]

Christina - I'm so sorry you found your daughters belonging sold by her BF. It is such a hard blow to your already aching heart. Mikes partner didn't sell his stuff, as far as I know, but she did give away most of his personal stuff to her circle of friends. We asked if we might have his one of his guitars, access to his laptop for the pics and music he had stored....the response was cold and harsh. We did get one of his guitars, but only after we sort assistance. She told us she didn't want us to have anything, we would probably sell it.

Having been both part of the 'professional & personal' side of this journey I can only tell you what I have learnt. Professionally, troopers, medics and even the Coroners office can't afford to make the emotional connection that we have. Once they do their ability to be affective in their job can be compromised. I know this first hand. My husband of 6 weeks was the intensive care paramedic who worked on Mike, pronounced him dead. When I responded him that day I was comforted by the fact that Mike had the best Paramedics treating him. After when the 'clinical facade' for me was shattered, I was angry that he didn't appear to 'get it'. He can't afford to.

I hope being here helps you find a place to be, aside from the cardboard box which seems perfect to me...I know you probably have heard it before but it does get easier. Sometimes just putting things into seperate 'boxes' helps. One box when you're strong enough to look for work, another for daily stuff, another for husband stuff and one large pillow in your box for just being, crying optional.

Kathy - I'm so sorry that one of Jessica's friends has passed. I'm sure Jess is waiting to take her hand. As you say, another set of parents, siblings about to begin the journey none of us wanted to be part of.

Have found a burst of energy that is totally unexpected. Maybe seeing the daffodils has tricked me into believing its Spring already....Painted two rooms, cleaned drapes, carpets, rehung curtains etc etc.....whew tired just typing it.

Heading into a weekend with Emily and Caleb. First high school party on Sat for Em. It goes from 6.30 - 9.30am Ahh memories....

[ericasmom]

Just was walking under the sunrise and came up with an idea for a poem but an idea for some of my more vivid and sad memories. I was thinking of writing my memories on oragami papers and having them folded by a friend who folds beautiful oragami...help me turn the ugly images into pretty and peaceful images...folding the pictures of Jon screaming in the ICU when the trauma doc said what she did in the tone of an autobot, no emotion because as Trudi said, they can't, they just can't or they could not go to the next family and the next family...Just rambling ideas.

My students were a blast yesterday, a real fun group. Oh there will be challenges for sure, but oh, what cuties.

I am sorry for not being able to be specific to each ache right now, suffice it to say that I am praying hard for each of your hearts. Ruby, love your name, I hope you will join us as I do believe you will find the pieces of your puzzle here helping you fully grieve.

[Guest msnher]

Kathy - I wasn't able to comment on sweet Claudia's death when I read your post last night. My heart was too sad. I found myself doing what other people do that upsets us and often lands on the pages of stupid comments. I sought purposely for something to say that would make it all better. It only took a second to remember there is nothing to say and then that's where I stopped my thoughts, with nothing to say. I'm so sorry doesn't even begin to express my true feelings.

The only one who was mechanical and detached when Stephanie died was the doctor who delivered the news. I understand why now. The coroners, deputies and emt's were all very compassionate. The first responder, a young deputy, came by the house a few times. He wanted to see pictures of Stephanie. We became quite fond of him. Later he told me how grateful he was that we allowed him to see pictures of her because the image of her, that day...after the accident, haunted his sleep.

The kids had a wonderful day at school yesterday. After dinner they all read with Grandpa. Mariah is going to join band this year. As my rib heals, and it's healing well, the aches and pains I had in the rest of my body are letting me know they're still there. The pain of the broken rib was so intense I swore I'd never complain about the rest of the pain again. I'm a liar. Since there is nothing medically wrong with me and the only medical solution are pills and more pills I have taken a more holistic approach. I've quit smoking. Started drinking water, lots of water and doing what exercise I am able. When I remember, I take vitamins. Still in pain, I decided to take the holistic approach a step further, I made an appointment with a hypnotherapist in Denver. My intention is to find out what I have emotionally blocked in my body and release it so I can be a more productive member of my family. I thought I was doing so well, emotionally, but when I spoke to the therapist on the phone yesterday I got emotional...so there is still work to do.

I love the idea for your poem, Dee. I hope we will be able to see the results. Not sure how you would post it...before and after?

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Kathy - My heart just cries for Claudia's family. As I find myself saying in my case "How can a perfectly heathly kid die?" This grief sometimes feels like a metal jacket, heavy on my shoulders and tight around my chest. I will say a prayer for Claudi'a familly.

Christina - Also, so sorry the b/f sold you daughter's things. Like Amy said, several others on this site have gone through something similar to that. My Brian had many friends that I am sure had some of his stuff. We have the phone, wallet, liscence, etc. Hang on my friend. This is a terrible time on this grief journey, but the sun will come out, it really will.

Amy - Boy can I relate to the intact family thing. I went through a phase of getting very angry seeing happy families when mine was crying and hurting so bad. People who would never know the pain we feel each day. That to will wain, but mine has not completely gone away. Like Rhonda said, we will never have that family picture again. We may have A family picture, but not the one that is suppose to be.

Wow, the traffic this morning was terrible. Everybody and their uncle decided to leave home the same time as me. Scott and I watched the Kings Speach last night. Good movie, but the CD we have kept freezing - very annoying.

The weather in WI is suppose to be beautiful through the weekend. I am excited about that.

Take care my friends, I think of each of you every day

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[lil406]

Thank you all for your warm hearts and for your prayers. I know with time my pain will ease.

I am very understanding of the professional people and the jobs they have to do. That was not my point. I only want the reports from them and I just get voice mail and no callback. They could at least call me back. Or even just send the reports to me. I live 1500 miles from where she lived. It just seems that as soon as I got on the plane to come home I did not exist to anyone anymore! That was my point. I understand how these people in these jobs have to be the way they are. I know I could never do what they do and am grateful that they can. However, one of the people first on the scene even has contacted me, not directly but indirectly. She was very nice and told me they did all they could.

Kathy - So sorry that another one has gotten their wings. Not fair at all!

To everyone else: I am sorry I can't get everyone straight right now. I am sure in time I will. I will just pass out great big HUGS to all, and know that I am thinking about you and praying for you. Knowing you are all going through the same dark hole that I am attempting to climb out of helps.

[mysonrich]

Christina, I was met with the same rude behavior from the coroners office. I don't know if it really takes 4 months to run tests to determine cause of death, manner of death. Having a woman tell me, “ we'll mail a letter” and hang up put me over the top.Another member here at BI suggested I write to my senator. I did just that. ( I also, in my grief,anger,craziness wrote to the governor but shh, don't tell anyone )

My senator called the coroners office. They had a chat. My senator e-mailed me back, told me things take time but it wasn't very long after I received a report with an apology from the coroner.

Check your local government web-page. Find you senator. E-mail, snail mail,whatever mail. For me, action was far better than inaction. I felt I was doing something. I felt that my son deserved respect which I found lacking from them.

Kathy, I am sorry to read of Claudia’s death. I am truly sorry for her family and friends. Looking at the picture, I see Jessica with her sweet smile, arms outstretched, reaching for Claudia. Please, take care.

[daveydow1]

Betsy----I'm so glad that you wrote your senator, and that you got some results regarding

the coroner's office being slow & rude. As you say......your Rich deserved respect, and

you got it for him, through the channels you had to take. It's sad that it took that effort on

your part, but beaurocracy being what it is today......it's not surprising. With all the new

technology for communication....one would think that it would make it better, but alas.....

it seems to be making communication more & more impersonal and cold.

Leah----Yep---sleepless nights are rough. Another one last night for me. A bad thunderstorm

hit at 2 a.m. and lasted until 3 a.m. Very loud thunder and lightning. (scared the kitty half to death).

When we lose sleep, it makes the day a lot harder to get through. Peace to you, friend.

Christina----So sorry that your daughter's boyfriend sold her things on the internet without even

checking with you to see if you would want some keepsakes. I can see that this would make you feel

sad and 'down'. Peace be with you.

Amy-----I guess that one would need to be sitting down to feel the tremor. Can't think where I was at the

time the quake hit Virginia. What weather----now they are bracing for hurricane Irene. I do hope that

the storm turns out to sea and spares the East coast. Packing for college with Katy......quite a job. I

do hope that Katy will love OU. She will do well, since she was such a good h.s. student.

Dee----Prayers for your MIL , Betty. So nice that you have a good group of students this year. I picked

tomatoes again...... (canning tomorrow). Also, the grapes are coming on. Making juice next....(messy job)

but such good juice......one pint can be diluted to make 1 qt. Husband loves it. They are purple Concord grapes.

Off to Becky's this evening for Trenton David's birthday party.......he's 5 today . Bad storm last night, but

no big tree damage......thank goodness. We have some huge trees near the house. Glad that none was struck

with lightning.

Sus-----So nice that the kids had a good day at school for their first day. By the end of the summer, I think

that kids welcome going back, although many would say that they don't........especially elem. kids. Trenton

David is getting a CARS 2 backpack & t-shirt, and CARS 2 coloring set from us. He's into CARS and SpiderMan.

I'm sure you know what that's like.......what is Jonathan's favorite ?

PEACE AND A GOOD NIGHT'S REST TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest msnher]

Carol, Betty, Karen and anyone else in the path of Irene...I am praying for your safety. Amanda and Bryan are heading to Ossippee to get out of the way of the storm. When you can, please let us know how you are.

[Guest msnher]

Sherry - Jonathon loves Cars and Spiderman! He also loves the transformers...anything Bumblebee. He loves the smaller Lego's and has thousands of them. He chooses to play with his Lego's over all his other toys, including his remote control bumblebee car or his Cars racetrack. He'll pick out about 30 Lego's, put them in a small box and carry them around with him all day. It's very interesting to observe. Gary and I went kind of nuts in the toy department when we got the kids. They have cool rooms and cool toys but they don't play with them very often. Jasmine does...she makes full use of her room and her toys and she share wonderfully. Mariah has things she's never touched. I asked if we could give some away and she threw a bloody fit. They didn't get to keep anything or have anything before (one Christmas they were forced to watch their dad's girlfriend's kids open their presents while they had nothing under the tree) so, we let them keep their toys. Jonathon still carries around his Winny the pooh blanket and the stuffed dog named Lobo we gave him when they came to live with us. Most of Lobo's stuffing is gone (no holes...just gone. ?? ) We will save the blanket and much loved Lobo for him forever.

Well, that was a long answer to whether Jonathon likes Cars 2 (which we haven't seen yet) and spiderman.

More about Jonathon. We read Miss Rumphius again tonight, focusing on questions to test their retention since the last time I read it to them. Jonathon remembered everything! Even his sisters were impressed with him. We're also letting his hair grow out (until I can't stand it). He has a dark head of curly hair. I love it!

Sleep well,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

We here in New Hampshire are preparing for the worst, in hopes of only seeing the least. Kim is right in the middle of Norfolk, which is where it is supposed to hit pretty hard, at least the last weather forecast we said had that report. They were out and about today, getting supplies. As for us, we've survived two Category 4 Typhoons on Guam, so we do know about preparation. On Guam, though, there was little if any flooding, because of its being such a small island (36 miles long by 6 miles wide at its widest point), most of the rain would drain off into the ocean. I think they are expecting a LOT of flooding everywhere from this storm. Thank God we no longer have a basement to have to pump out!

All of my indigo family, in the path or not, stay safe. Betty, Karen, thinking of you both.

I had a phone call today from Kameron and had to hang up...I couldn't stop myself from breaking down, and I didn't want him to know. He sounds EXACTLY like Mike, and while most of the time I am able to look at this as a gift, sometimes it just breaks my heart and I have no emotional strength to handle it. I know that you all know what I mean.

Have been busy all week with issues with Davis...some good, some not so good. He did leave the house on Tuesday night; my heart was breaking as he walked out the door, but we both agreed that it is better for both of us if we do not live in the same house. So, progress is being made, but very, very slowly. The "honeymoon" effect of his time away has somewhat worn off and the fact that his payday today produced ZERO dollars had a HUGE impact on him, but I had to keep telling myself that it is all a result of his previous behavior. Also, close friend of his had applied for a job...she smokes pot "now and then" (hasn't worked in two years), and decided she needed to stop pot altogether so she could get a job. Well, she did stop, a VERY short while ago, and then did a "one day flush" with some stuff that is supposed to flush it out of your system (Yeah, right!) and then when she didn't get the job, she was devestated! Well, of course, all I wanted to say to Davis was "well, duh!" But, I kept my mouth zipped and figured that even if I told him, he wouldn't "get it." He (and she) thinks because she did "all that work" to "get clean" she should have gotten the job. I am struggling with this "letting him learn for himself," but when these kinds of things happen, it just helps to firm up my resolve to keep the boundaries I am setting. We did all (Davis, his mom and I) go to an Al-anon meeting tonight. He was VERY reluctant to go, especially since he'd had a very bad day he hadn't dealt with yet, but he went. It was all right, but the meeting was basically adult children of alcoholic families, so there wasn't a lot said that we could draw on except for one person who talked about ahving set boundaries with her family and the difficult job that was/has been, so I kind of pulled on that. After the meeting, Davis said he "glad" that he went, but he doesn't feel it was of any use to him, other than to make him aware that he needs to go to AA meetings himself (yay!). He was VERY glad that his mom showed up and I think this is what made him finally come around a bit and talk to us. When he talked of his disappointment about his pay earlier, I finally told him that maybe he just needs to "sit with his disappointment" and let it move through him. I told him that was a very valuable lesson I learned while grieving for Mike...we just can't make some things "go away," and we need to go through them, and not around them. He was telling (this was on the phone) that he had tried to distract himself but it wasn't working, and usually when he has this type of problem, he would solve it with a pill, and now that he doesn't have that any longer, he doesn't know what to do to "fix" it...this is when I told him that maybe he needs to sit with it, instead of trying to rid himself of it. So, enough of that.

Tonight, Jamie is spending the night, (Ralph kept him while we attended the meeting) and tomorrow Damon comes in the am...haven 't seen him all week, so that will be a treat. He and Jamie used to not get along very well, but Jamie has made a real effort to change that (unfortunately, it was actually mostly the fault of Jamie's attitude towards him), and has made great strides and now they play together quite well. I have told Jamie how proud we are of his efforts and also proud that he was able to see the results himself. We do have the ballgame on Saturday for Mike's birthday...the Red Sox changed the times, scheduling the Sunday game for Saturday evening, and moved our game up to noon. I ordered the message board for Mike, it says:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MIKE JOHNSTON

8/20/75 - 10/14/06

SAFE AT HOME FOREVER

WE LOVE YOU

The boys are excited about the game, and we are going to have a good time!

my love to everyone here,

[mikesmum]

Thoughts tonight with all of you facing the wrath of Irene. Haven't heard if Lorri is back from the cruise ~ hope so they are right in the path if not.

Carol - Wonder if you have Nar-Non meetings near to you. Its run along the same lines but is more related to drug use.

http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Home.html

Nursing a sick puppy last night and into tonight.

[shorty16]

Hello my Indigo Pals

So much love out here, I am so lucky to be part of it!!!

Thinking of those in the path of the storm and sending prays that is just drops rain where it is needed.

As for WI, the weather is beautiful and I plan on taking advantage of it.

Not much going on here.

Just wanted to say HI

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Bonnie is also possibly in the danger zone of this hurricane, please all be safe, and our old friend MaryAnne, who does not post these days, but if you read, we are thinking of you.

Where was Lorri's cruise supposed to be taking them? I can't remember.

I am one crazy busy teacher you guys, I mean really...24 kids is so much different than lazy long bike rides through the summer, and naps in the yard under the birch tree. OH my goodness, I was crying with exhaustion yesterday and I worried that I just don't have it in me...I was overtired however and am finding I have a handle on things today. It is a very noisy group and some that are oppositional, so this is going to be a bumpy ride for some, hang on to your hats.

Trudi, I hope puppy boy is fine, give him a scratch behind the ear for me.

I miss being here more, the summer break is definitely over.

Love you all,

dee

[shorty16]

Here are the sunflowers blooming in my yard.

Enjoy

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[lil406]

Such beautiful sunflowers. Thank you for sharing.

[mysonrich]

Colleen, very pretty flowers. I thought of you today and your sister when I saw a giant sunflower balloon.

[ericasmom]

Just read that they are evacuating a large part of NYC, the low lying areas, so they must really feel IRENE is going to cause a great harm. EVERYONE be safe.

Col, I could not choose even if i had to as to which flower was the prettiest. THose are gorgeous. Thanks for sharing.

[daveydow1]

Colleen----Thanks for the beautiful sunflower pics. They're just lovely !! I haven't gotten around

to uploading my recent flower/garden pics to this site. (I'm lousy at it ).

Sus----So good that you are saving Jonathon's POOH blanket, and LOBO for him. He no doubt

loves them. My grandie (age 6) also loves the Legos. They are the cheapest toy that I have bought

for them to play with when they are here, and they (Trenton David, too) always play with the Legos

first......especially in winter, but anytime, really. Mariah probably has thoughts of when she was so

abused & deprived, and wants to hold onto her things.......can't blame the dear little girl. That was

such a painful experience for the kids to see their dad's girlfriend's kids get to open presents at

Christmas, and the disappointment of not getting anything themselves. What were they thinking!!!!?????

(the dad & g.f.). Shameful and cruel behaviour. Jonathon must have a good memory and absorbs

the stories that you read to him, like Miss Rumphius. Speaking of saving the blanket and Lobo.....

I still have Dave's little stuffed monkey. It only has one ear, and the other one is moth-eaten. He

loved monkeys when he was little.

Carol-----Good to hear that Davis is making some improvement. As you say......the reality of not getting

the paycheck is a stark reminder. You are smart to keep with the tough love , although I know it must

be so very difficult at times. Sometimes, we just can't "fix" things for our loved ones, and they can

come to lean on us too much, but don't really 'get it together'. I guess that's when we must go the tough

love route, so that they can just 'sit with it' , as you say........live with the consequences of their actions.

I've been there , and know the heavy heart you have to bear. Take

care,.......and I'm praying for your safety. (I'm praying that IRENE is downgraded). Oh....the sign at the

ballgame for MIKE'S BIRTHDAY. .....wonderful idea. He will look down and feel your family's love. Peace, friend.

Dee----YIKES.....so you've gotten a lively group of kids this year. Hoping things will settle down soon. I think

that teaching is a rewarding carreer, but not always easy----that's for sure. I canned 10 qts. of tomatoes today,

so I am a bit tired. Had to get up early to take my quilt over to the fairgrounds. I hope you get some quality sleep

tonight. It makes for rough days when one sleeps poorly the night before.

Betty, Carol, Karen, Bonnie, Lorrie, and MaryAnn--- and all others in the path of the expected hurricane, I am

praying for your safety, and that the storm is downgraded to a much milder storm.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[bus1851]

Hope everyone in the path of Irene gets through safely and soundly. I live in Louisiana, hurricanes are pretty regular but never to be taken lightly. Good luck.

[mikesmum]

Colleen, brilliant flowers.

Prayers and thoughts for many of my Indigo 'family' in the path of Irene. Carol, Bonnie, Betty, Kathy and Lorri who I am hoping is back safe from her cruise.

Trudi

[ericasmom]

Sherry, wow, you are a creative and talented quilter and do an amazing job with the canning of your harvest. What a nice thing to think of on a cold winter day, some sauces or soups with canned goods from your summer yard. Lovely. I am so excited for you with the quilt at the fair. Does it start soon?

Went out to dinner with my husband and it was just the right thing to do after so LOUD and busy a week. I feel relaxed now, hoping for another good night of sleep. Makes the world of difference. Today I set the tone with my students and I do believe it was needed. I set the ground rules in a more definitive way and there should be nobody in my room from here on out who does not understand the consequences of both great and not great behavior. One boys parents have received an email from me today stating that they need to know that he has been disrespectful and disruptive and while it was only 3 days, I don't intend for the following week to be the same without bigger consequences. Tough love plays out in the classroom too.

Carol be safe, what is going to happen to all the sporting events this weekend? Is everything on hold?

[summergirl]

Thank you everyone for your prayers for Claudia's family....I only know that she drowned in a swimming pool, for some reason they are not giving out any details as of yet....I am waiting patiently to hear as I want to be there for them. My heart aches...

We are as prepared as we can be waiting for "Mean Irene" to come upon us. Barry is at a special meeting with the fire department preparing for evacuations. Jessica's best-friend Ashley and her son Damien are coming to stay with us as she has to be out of her area tomorrow, it will be good to have her with us but as she said tonight "it is going to be tough on us without Jessica but we will get through it together" - love that girl and so glad that she has stayed in my life...

Love to all and I will keep in touch as much as I can....Peace, strength and love, Kathy

MY FISHERMAN.....LOVE THAT BOY....

[ericasmom]

BE safe Kathy, enjoy the company and be safe. It will be fun for you to look over the beaches after the threat is over, see what the waves drudge forward. A great book to read with Tavian is A Time of Wonder. It is a picture book with gorgeous watercolors and it depicts the before of a hurricane, the shopping for supplies and the securing of boats to the after the storm of pulled up trees and ancient arrowheads underneath...so beautiful. It was the first book that made me want to read because of the art, written long ago by a very incredible author, Robert McCloskey. (make way for ducklings). Anyhow, Tavian may enjoy the art as well as the story. While it is a picture book, the vocabulary is not easy adn it is a delight.

.Has Claudia's family had a service or a memorial?

I am very tired,going to bed, the long days at school are kicking my butt, but husband assures me that they do each year at the start. I hope so, I am feeling like I must be getting old if I am feeling this tired. Younger teachers however have said that they are wiped out as well. Even though it was beautiful out today and yesterday, it was very hot in my classroom which adds to the tired.

[Guest msnher]

Love the pictures of Tavian fishing and of the sunflowers in your yard, Colleen. I didn't know they came in red. I thought of your sister as I drove by a wall of sunflowers today. They were quite tall. I wonder if something happened to your sister when she was small. Maybe something or someone scared her terribly and all she can remember are the sunflowers. I'm not encouraging going on a witch hunt, but it is curious.

Where's Sherry's quilt? Dee said it was beautiful. I didn't see a picture of it. Keep the instructions simple...don't confuse the blond holding the laptop. Tell me how to see the quilt. I stand corrected about Jonathon not seeing Cars 2, Sherry. I casually mentioned that I felt bad that we didn't take him to see it and I was quickly reminded that Grandpa took him and his cousin.

Prayers, prayers and more prayers for the people in the path of Irene. Lorri's sister posted on facebook that they diverted the ship to a different island or country or someplace out of the way of the storm. That was a couple of days ago. I haven't seen anything since. I've called Amanda everyday. Our news seems to be making more out of it than their news. Either that or I'm taking it far more seriously than she is. She is still heading north...hoping to miss the winds but sure to hit more rain. I am also concerned for Karen who was visiting North Carolina now.

Well, that's about all from me for now.

Love you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

I'm alive and well. Not ment to go to Bahamas. Second try. Fixing to get off ship. Will post when I can. Very tired it's go go go. And w Monty it's run go run go

[ericasmom]

LORRI, so glad you are fine, thank heavens. Let us know when you are home.

No Sus, I did not see the quilt, just said that Sherry is a creative woman to have made a quilt and I am sure that it is lovely. Sorry to confuse the blond with the laptop.

[mikesmomrs]

sorry for the multiple posts...thought it wasn't working!

[mikesmomrs]

sorry for the multiple posts...I erased the content.

[mikesmomrs]

guess I need to learn to be more patient! sorry again.