Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest msnher]

Kathy - I watched the Rabbit Hole and loved it. Of course I sobbed and sobbed too. The story was more about the bereaved parents journey after...it begins after the death has taken place. I think it paints a good picture of what we go through. It wasn't complete...but it touched on some tough emotions.

[shellyku]

Good Evening all Indigos - Colleen - So glad Aaron and the boys are okay! I believe

a lesson in waiting will prove to be very beneficial to Aaron. He has to realize that

incident could have turned out very differently. You are a very wise Mom!

Carole - whatever the situation is, I will pray for guidance for you and your family from God.

Jenn - so sorry about your Brianna. I am fairly new here (as far as posting) and I pray for

peace for you and yours.

I know I have left many people out, and I apologize as I am still learning names and angels.

Rich's Mom: Good to know we are only an hour's time away from each other...I think I see

a get-together sometime in our future! Dee: thanks for the explanation of your experience

at 1 year and then at 2 years. Scares me sometimes as I think of what this will feel like

in 2 or 3 years from now!

Indigos - I want to thank each and every one of you for your honesty, your encouragement,

and your experience. I am really feeling the full weight of what Sarah went through last y;ear.

I really don't consider myself a victim of losing my child as much as I consider what Sarah

will never have: a long, happy marriage, a child, a continued relationship with her sisterr, Jill,

a career that she loved, etc. These are all things our children SHOULD have been able to

look forward to, if only the natural order of things were followed. As it is, their passing is

completely against what the natural order of things should be. Rambling on and I'm sorry!

Have a peaceful night's sleep and I pray you dream of your precious ones! Goodnight! Shelly

[lolynbo]

HEY GUYS...GETTN BETTER HERE GOING TO DOC TOM SO MAYBE I CAN SWIM AND GET READY FOR VACA

WELL THE LIL 16 YR OLD GIRLT HAT WAS MURDERED TUESDAY BY HER MOMS NEW BF, MOM JUST GOT OUT OF PRISON AND BF JUST GOT OUT OF PRISON, AND LIL GIRL MADDIE HER REAL DAD IS IN PRISON....SHE WAS LIVING WITH HER GPS BUT RECENTLY WENT BACK TO MOM....HE STABBED HER AND LEFT HER BODY INTHE STORAGE SHED BEHIND THE HOUSE....HIS NAME IS KEITH TITSWORTH...IM SURE HE WILL GET HIS IN PRISON...I THINK THE MOM SHOULD GO AS WELL CUZ SHE DROPPED THE BALL AND DIDNT PROTECT HER LIL GIRL...

KOURTNEYS LIL FRIEND HALIE WAS FEEDING THE ANIMALS TODAY AND ITS 112' HER LIL ZOE DOG (LIL MIXED LAP DOG WEIGHS ABOUT 5 PDS) JUMPED IN THE VEH AND HALIE DIDNT NO IT AND SHUT THE DOOR AND FOUND ZOE LATER DEAD... WHAT A SAD WAY TO GO FOR LIL ZOE....

YES IM JUST FULL OF GOOD NEWS I NO....BEEN ONE OF THOSE DAYS....I THINK THE HEAT IS GETTN TO EVERYONE...RECORD BREAKING HEAT I SHLD SAY

BLESS AND BE BLESSED

[ericasmom]

Lorri, the news keeps letting us know how hot it is and has been in your area...goodness, and over 35 days in a row in some parts of Texas of over 95 or 100. I cannot take that kind of heat at all. Please be safe in the weather, don't over do. I am sorry for Haily's dog, she must be sad.

I am really saddened to hear of the 16 year old in your town---momma in jail, daddy in jail, momma's boyfriend in jail. The little girl had a chance with the grandparents, well maybe anyway, how dare those who take the lives of others to feed the sickness inside them. Really, why did he get out of jail? I am not saying that jail is the best answer for folks either, but look at some of these bad folks, out too soon and repeating their evil.

Sus, glad that the reading is going well. When there is enthusiasm and goals, the reading will improve. In school there are times that teachers will call D.E.A. R. (drop everything and read), or SSR time, (silent sustained reading). Those times can happen at home too.

Take our hope to the funeral tomorrow Sus, I am so sorry for this pain that will reverberate in your heart and spirit, and for your friend whose life has changed for all time.

Carol, holding your hands.

Bonnie, how is the foot today?

Shelly just so you know when I said I had a harder time with the second year, I did not mean the whole year but the anniversary of year two was my most difficult one. I don't want you to think that the whole year was harder, no! I don't think anything is as difficult as that first year. The shock is for the most part gone by years end and often by 6 months and the time ticks away so oddly that first year. At least for me.

[ericasmom]

Sus, the book Lovely Bones was amazing and while I wanted to put it down, it frightened me, it also provided some light some peace. The movie did that as well, but I agree, I don't think I could watch it again. Too hard.

[mysonrich]

Hello all, I watched a movie on hulu.com the other night. The title, INK. I will say that it was a good movie with some characters , what they were, I still don't comprehend. Maybe I'll watch it again and try to figure that out. The message was clear.

Dee, I understand the anxiety,at least for me, when leaving home even for a day or two. The first year, I was really scared. This coming from a person that would jump in the car at the drop of a hat and just go. Now and then I literally have to talk myself through the ride if going 2-3 hours away. I did have car problem a time or two. Christmas eve, 2009, the wheel threw a bearing on, of all roads, the Pa turnpike. The outcome of that, I found an honest, skilled mechanic. His name is Dan and to repay him for his work and honesty I made sure to post the positive outcome on the net. He isn't close by even now but if he were I;d head over to his shop. But its not car issues really. Its something else in my heart and mind. I read Ann Patchetts “ Run”. A good read with a surprising end. Possibly more to this story in the future or not?!

Carol, I feel your worry and concern in your post. Whatever is happening in your life or the lives of your family, boy, I sure hope its just a bump in the road. So sorry .

Colleen, its good to hear that Aaron and friends are ok, but how terrifying for you and Scott. My heart raced when I read your post. Sounds like Aaron will have a lot of time to think while gazing out the window at his cavalier.

Speaking of car's,I'm off to get the oil changed and have the sway-bar links adjusted. I leaned it was a sway-bar link noise, sounds like a loose bicycle chain, from listening to Cartalk@NPR.com. You know what “they” say, an educated consumer is a good consumer or something like that. ( don't ask me where that came from)

Betty, I have reservations down at Wildwood. I found an old fashioned place..remember the apartment buildings with the porches and the rocking chairs? That was really Wildwood back in the day. I have been thinking of Rich tearfully lately. We three had good times there. The ex hated the beach , what a drag! Anyway, I'm going to do my best to get there. Last time Sarah and I took a ride down and stayed 2 days was 7 months after Rich died. Like walking in a fog.

I;ll see you all later. My day off and things to do.

[shorty16]

Carol

Whatever your issue please know that we support any and all decisions you and Ralph make.

Consider yourself hugged.

Colleen

[Guest msnher]

Deep sigh. Praying love and light into all the broken hearts. New tragedies. There has to be more to this life than this. Eternity...love...hope. In the face of so much evil/darkness it would be easy to give up on hope. Easy for me, anyway. I seek so easily into despair. I must learn how to hold on to hope in the depth of my sorrow for all the senseless loss. How does one convey empathy and compassion and be able to still feel joy and gratitude (without feeling guilty) when you walk away? Not a hypothetical question...I would really like to know how you do it.

[Guest msnher]

Sometimes I seek despair...most of the time it just finds me and I sink. I have got to start proof reading BEFORE I hit post!

[ericasmom]

Sus, the balance will come with the work. Finding empathy-no problem, walking away not feeling guilty is another matter but just like with all things, it takes time. When others died during my earlier years of grief, I was able to convey my empathy, my sympathy, but I wrangled so hard with understanding it and how those poor folks were going to deal with it...my own sadness made deeper. Now I am able to offer my everything and lose less of myself in sadness as I am able to understand better where our Angels are, happy for the place that they are.

off for a day with my sis Eileen, her Daughters Kari (in from FLorida) and Kate and Kari's Daughter Alex, and Kate's kids, Nayeli and Xavier...downtown to Navy Pier.

[hotrod]

Good corning Indigos

Dee Have a wonderful day with your sisters and nieces I know there will be many giggles and wonderful re memories. Eri, Tink will be right there with you

Betsy I loved Wildwood . Spent my unmarried misspent youth there!!!! Those old houses are so special I understand the tears and the sweet memories. I do hope you have great weather and that the memories of your days with Rich warm your heart with a sweet glow. That happens more and more for me these days especially when I walk the beach at my sisters.

Sus I pondered your question and I know for years. Before the loss of Stephen I too felt everyone's pain and had compassion for them and guilty because my life was pain free in comparison.

With the loss of Stephen I believe that enduring the greatest pain a mother can know I have changed. I think before I lived a Mary Poplins kind of life and denied any possibility of loss.

Some how my feelings adjusted and my sympathy changed to empathy That was I accepted that life is painful, and hard and that we all must endure That I cannot take away a single part of the pain but I can sit with the person, say "I understand "(and mean it). Hold them with love and then walk away knowing that I gave them support and understanding and that was enough The benefit is that there is No more Guilt

This is exactly what my Indigo family has done for me and I am oh so grateful.

Sherry, Bonnie, Rhonda, Leah and all Indigos in my thoughts this day and every day

[ericasmom]

Betty, love the way you put your response to Sus' question. Lovely.

Betsy, have a glorious time at Wildwood, the long walks on the beach definitely allowed me to shrink in the scope of so big a world, ancient waves and ancient dunes surrounding me, going on long before and long after, somehow, that is peace to me.

Ancient hills of ground quartz reaching out to the sky,

held in place by the meeger looking grasses-

small but mighty-

sloping down to merge with ancient waters-

constant motion pulling and pushing-

a land-before-time kind of exchange.

I am made small, tiny in fact,

a wanderer, a visitor,

grateful for the view.

[westleysmom]

Betty/Susannah-I felt too that (before) I led a charmed life. And when someone else experienced loss that I never had, I felt that guilt for my charmed existence. I knew it could happen, but I didn't think it would. Kind of like our kids thought they were bullet-proof. I think I also felt so badly for people because I hoped that it would be a good luck charm for me, if I let their loss wound me enough, that I would never have to endure my own. I know now that we all have something to endure, some more than others and some sooner in their lives, so that they never experience the smug assurance that I had before Westley died that nothing really bad would even happen to me or mine. That makes me sound awful, and maybe I am, but it is how I lived my life until last year. But the losses of others still have the power to wound me, even though now I have my own gaping hole in my heart. I hope in time I will be more able to offer comfort to others without it making me more sad. I know I'm not making much sense, but that's how I feel.

Carol-Hope things are going okay, you are in my thoughts.

Dee-I'm glad you had a good time and are back home. It is not year-round school, but it sure seems like that.

Still hot and muggy in TN. Hope you all are having a good day today.

[Guest msnher]

I just got home from the funeral. Dirty breakfast dishes still clutter the kitchen - pancakes, ham and eggs...a mess. Gary's going to pick up a bucket of chicken for dinner.

I was quite anxious before the funeral began, chastising myself for sitting so close to the front of the church, I couldn't make an exit without drawing attention if my emotions took over. There were at least 100 of his friends there. Maybe 200...we lost count. The pastor was completely appropriate. Maybe the best I've heard at a funeral. There was opportunity for Kraigs friends to say something, if they wished. My anxiety left and a peace drifted through me...with humor. The kids were kids...they spoke the language they had always spoken. One even used the F word. Three was lots of tears and sobbing. The friend sitting next to me was beside herself (that's the humor part). "This is so disrespectful" she whispered to me. "I think I have to leave." When the young boy let the F bomb out she almost burst out of her skin. Wide eyes, a gasp...etc. I already had my arm around her. I had told her if I could sit through this funeral, she could too. I couldn't help but giggle at her reaction to the F word. I whispered in her ear, "If you can't say "F" in church, you certainly shouldn't be saying it out of church." She drops it all the time out of church. I've known her forever.

So, my grief was put on pause while I was entertained by my friend's self righteous superior attitude towards these kids. I told her we were witnessing the "fellowship of the spirit" They were speaking "the language of the heart" Of their heart and their grief and that I admired Melanie (Kraig's mother) for allowing his friends the freedom to express their grief openly. She, Mary, sat through the service, but made a beeline for the door as soon as it was over. Cracks me up. I'm glad I don't go to church anymore.

Now, I'm home. Now, I'm empty. Oh. The last song was rap music. Appropriate for a 16yr old. I could just picture him, Stephanie and our angels doing a line dance to rap..."Everywhere you go, I'll be watching you." I pictured them dancing to the beat and laughing...made me smile.

Thanks for listening.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

PS - A young boy read a letter written from the boy who shot Kraig. I did cry through that. It was heartbreaking. And, it seemed quite appropriate. Parked across from the street, however, was a black truck with "FREE CAMBPELL" written in big white letters across it. That, I thought, was inappropriate.

[daveydow1]

Lorrie------So sorry to hear of the dear 16 yr. old girl murdered by her mother's boyfriend. The poor

child----everyone she could depend on in prison....or most likely to end up there. Bless her. May she

rest in heaven. Also, sorry about the little dog, Zoe, who died in the accidental door-closing mishap. Hailie

must feel just awful. So HOT there !!! Not as hot here as that. One contest I'm glad I'm not winning.....

hottest temps. Glad you are feeling better.

Betsy-----Oh, have a great time at Wildwood. I've never been there, but it sounds so nice. I tested the

field corn yesterday, and felt they were nearly at their peak window to pick. I picked 4 ears, and cooked

2. I had those.....(husband didn't care to try it ). They were pretty good.

Carol-----Continuing to say lots of prayers for you and your family, and the troubles you are having.

Peace & comfort , friend.

Dee------Hope you had a great time at the Navy Pier with your sis, nieces, and the kids. Thanks for

the nice poem you posted.

Betty-----You must have enjoyed Wildwood so much. We live a long ways from any ocean here in Ohio.

Used to go to Lake Erie to swim occaisionally, but many areas are off-limits for swimming anymore,in that area, due

to bad erosion problems in the 80's and early 90's..........beaches just swallowed up.....making any swimming

a dangerous pursuit. Of course, it's not like that everywhere along the shoreline, but it is like that where

we used to go. At the height of the erosion problems, even lakefront cottages were in danger of toppling off the

edge. Beaches gone.

Rhonda----Yikes.....I guess it's hot all over. I agree.....our minds don't permit us to ever think that something

as horrible will ever happen to us....but then it does. As you say.....everyone has their 'cross to bear'. I

hope you will be feeling a bit better. So many bumps in this lousy road. Peace to you, friend.

PEACE TO EACH AND EVERYONE IN THE INDIGO FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mysonrich]

I had a very bazaar day. So bazaar in fact I'm having trouble defining what I feel, what I was thinking and how to put my thoughts into words.

I dropped my car off at the shop and since there was a wait I decided to take a walk to a convenience type store for water and a little something for breakfast. On my walk back I stopped to admire a beautiful flower garden in a yard that was mostly flower garden and a swing set. I noticed 2 people walking my way and as we closed the distance I heard, “ that is her”. I looked and thought, “ is it”, “here”? As we passed each other by I looked very hard at the one woman and said “yes, it is Richie's g/f” We haven't spoken to each other in 2 years, 7 months. Many reasons. I still have varied feelings of her. At the time of Richie's death, mostly anger. Explains the lack of communication.

I still have a wait when I get back to the shop. Almost an hour passes and I hear a groan. Yes, she is at the same shop. If she were me and I saw me sitting in a 12x15 waiting area I would have left but obviously we are both stubborn. She is 6 feet from me. I am trying to be the better person until she and friend start to text, look at me and text. I have to say, as time has gone by all I have really wanted to do is talk to her.

Well, my blood started to boil, my heart was pounding and my adrenline was flowing. Thinking that whoever walks into this room is going to sense there is a problem before actually knowing it. I said something. That was ok and honest to god I don't remember what she said next , I don't remember what my reply was, but the next thing I know she is standing over me, saying probably unkind things and I look up and just say, “If you hit me you're going to jail”. No hitting but a lot of words. Some hurtful. I threw some, she threw some. At one point she is telling me I'm nuts. I then tell her that she is nuts. Her.me.her.me.

She didn't say anything I haven't thought myself. The guilt. The feeling that I should have know more of my son's health. That I could have,should have, would have. I've beat myself up , I probably always will. Her words didn't hurt me anymore then I hurt myself. Of course I have to tell her she should have know etc..........

First inside, Then outside, then away from the front door. Back and forth and back and forth we go.

I would have to say without anger or hate in my heart that she is very broken. I am very broken. We are all screwed up.

I gave her time to leave after I did and drove back, offered my sincerest apology to the owner/shop manager, gave him a six pack of imported beer. He said “ I don't what to know what that was about. I told her the same thing. I came in here when you two first stated and the turned around and went back into the shop”

I said, “ ok. Can I still bring my car here for repairs”

Nothing. Ever. Will bring my son back. How many lives has my beautiful baby boys death altered forever. I just feel sick and numb.

[Guest msnher]

(((((Betsy)))))

Tears filled my eyes as I read your exchange. I'm so sorry for the guilt feelings you are carrying. Could your run in with Rich's girlfriend today be Rich's way of telling you you're strong enough to let go of the guilt, now? Could he be saying enough beating yourself up? If only we could lose the guilt just because we know they would want us to be happy and free, without guilt.

I hope you don't beat yourself up over the exchange with the girlfriend. Yes, she may be hurting, too...but, that was just in poor taste, on her part. Bad manners. Poor form. No class. I'm mad as hell at her. No matter what your relationship was like before, the way she acted towards you with her friend speaks volumes about her character!

Argh! Let her words go, Betsy! Let your own self beating go....please treat yourself as you would if it were one of us. Proceed with care. Fragile hearts, we mom's have. Don't buy into the lies she said and the lies you've told yourself. The lies you continue to tell yourself. Please...let yourself off the hook.

Much love!!

[Guest msnher]

What she did was peel back a horrible scab and pour salt or lemon juice on it. Your emotion from my standpoint? "OUCH!"

[rlolheiser]

Betsy, my heart goes out to you... tough place to be.. but sometimes we just gotta get it out.. we sometimes have no control over it. I think you still handled the incident with grace, heck, she could still walk out. You were very polite with the manager/owner.. losing Rich is so very hard, give yourself a break my dear.. you are a wonderful mother with a love that never quits.

Susannah, sounds like quite the funeral, I am glad you got to go with your friend, it is hard either way. It was a loss, one that shouldn't have happened and now so many pieces have to get put back together for a lot of people. That song.. watching you... it was played at JaBoa's funeral too.. only as I'll be missing you... so trune.. everyday...

Sherry, me too.. glad that the heat doesn't hang around here to long at a time. Now if we could just lose the rain. Everynight we get poured on. I know I shouldn't complain, there are a lot of places that would love to have the moisture.

Rhonda, your words remind me of my time. I had been going through so much with my daughters the drug busts, the alcohol.. the grandkids living with me and taken away from their mom... I had just comented 2 days before the accident... at least nothing else can happen... sure swept me off my feet.. just 2 days later I lost my little girl.. I never take anything for granted anymore.. never think that nothing bad can happen.. I live life knowing that I have to live the best I can and love the best I can.. cause I might not have tomorrow.

Dee, hoping that your visit goes beautiful.. thanks for your writings.

Betty, just wanted you to know.. you are one of the Indigo family that has to done so much since I have been here and held me up when I needed it. Your support has been amazing and very much appreciated.

Shelly.. no apologies.. that is what they always tell me when I go into my rambling... ramble away.. really.. it is a good thing to do.. we see you in your feelings, feelings that we all have had or still have.. we are here, to read and try to help.. if nothing else just to hold your hand from miles away, to try to give you any strength we can from time to time.

Carol, hoping all is good with you.

Everybody I missed.. kathy, lori.. trudi.. all of you.. I wish you peace

[ericasmom]

Leah, good words from a fellow traveler, we live it as well as we can taking nothing for granted. Right on.

Betsy, I think that the woman you encountered today was very rude indeed. to text in your presence with a friend and being obvious in who she was texting about? Very rude and very immature. I know that you feel guilt but like we all said to Colleen, the guilt is not yours, give it up, Rich does not want you to carry that heavy load around, his health issues were not issues when he was here so how were you to know? You had a very bazaar day and in it, words were said that perhaps you wish had not been said but they were, it is done. And let's think about it, had Rich known more about his health would it have changed what and how he lived? Young ones do not feel that they have to worry about the stuff that happens to other folks, they really feel insulated and sure of their strength and ability to avoid danger. Let go of the day if you can...I don't think that Rich holds anyone responsible for his leaving. He loves you through and through Betsy.

Long day in the sun and high humidity, but fun. We took a water taxi up the Chicago River to get closer to Navy Pier after getting off the double decker train. The kids loved all of the transportation. Then once there, the kids played in the fountains and two of my nephews showed up, Mike and Brian, and another great nephew, Maxx. We spent th ewhole day outside and then caught the water taxi back at around 5:30 to the train station and back here to my neighborhood. Everyone piled in and guzzled juice and water and hung out for a few minutes before they all left. I am pooped, staying up just till 9:00 if that and going off to bed. So sweet to be around all of the kids.

[Toby'sMom]

Hello Everyone,

It has been awhile since I have posted. Today would have been Toby's 19th birthday. The last week leading up to this day has been very intense. As I have heard others mention, today was not as bad as yesterday was anticipating the day. But, it has turned out to be an odd day. It was nice to see his friends saying happy birthday on his facebook page and sharing their love, but I got home to find out two other events occurred to mark the day.

Would you believe that of all the days that have passed since his passing, that the medical examiner's report would arrive in the mail - ON HIS BIRTHDAY??? Would you believe that of all days possible, an investigator from the State of CA Dept of Alchohol Control showed up at our door today - ON TOBY'S BIRTHDAY???!! He is now - four months later- interested in finding out where the alcohol came from. While I am glad that someone actually cares about these things, it is pretty incredible timing. The only one of the "kids" with Toby that evening that was 21 is also the only one that would not speak with the investigator without an attorney. I thought that was a bit odd..... I dont know what to think about it. It is difficult to go through the details again. My husband read the medical examiner's report. I am afraid to read it. Afraid that the details will hurt me. Do I really need to know how badly he was injured in the crash? He died at the scene - isn't that information enough? My heart has been pounding since I came home from work and found out that these two things happened today. The investigator wants to speak with me as well. Sigh....

Happy Birthday Toby. I love you. We all love you.

Peace to all of you,

Cheryl - Toby's Mom FOREVER

[westleysmom]

TOBY-remembering you on this first heavenly birthday. You will always be loved and missed.

Cheryl-I'm so sorry. On the day that would have been Westley's 21st birthday, his new adult driver's license came in the mail. In our state, you can get a driver's license when you're 16, but since you can buy alcohol when you're 21, they issue a new one then. I remember a few weeks before, he got me to help him fill out the renewal and he wrote a check in his big handwriting and I mailed it in for him. And then 2 days after his funeral, his new driver's license appears in the mail. I have skimmed over the Medical examiner's report, but I couldn't bring myself to read it in detail. I know he had drank about 2 beers and had taken some kind of prescription painkiller. And then he went to sleep and never woke up. He just looked like he was sleeping when we went to the hospital at the ER. I hope that the investigator is good at what he does and that the interview is not too hard on you. Be sure that someone else is with you to hold your hand and help you if it gets bad. If I could go with you, I would. Wishing you strength and hopefully a peaceful night's sleep with a dream of your sweet boy.

[ericasmom]

TOBY

TOBY

TOBY

Bless your Mom and Dad today and give them some assurance that you are present in their world as best you can be. Happy Birthday young Man, dance with our Angels and know that we love you.

Cheryl, while the day itself feels like a holy day, that it should not be disturbed by business or paperwork, I can't help but wonder if these are the signs of Toby letting you know that he appreciates the work you have done to uncover the truth.

Good luck Sweetie.

[hotrod]

TOBY TOBY TOBY

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Surround Mom with the warmth of your love. [/size]

Cheryl In my thoughts and prayers

[nicksdad]

[mikesmum]

I haven't posted for awhile, timing, energy all the above. I do read each day and for the newbies, I'm so sad that you have lost that most precious thing, your child.

There is no way I can catchup on angelversaries or belly button days, just know that I am thinking of you all on those days that now define us one way or another.

Dee - So glad you had a break. I imagine you swimming in the pool and lying in the sun reading something that takes you away.

Colleen - Our loss truly amplifies our anxiety. Aaron is like most boys his age, made (so they think) of titanium. They are bullet proof and your words while taken on board might not resonate. It doesn't make you a 'bad parent' it doesn't make him a bad kid...it truly is the human experience. Hopefully he will 'get it' while he watches the car and sees the time as a pedestrian a learning curve.

Carol - If God only gives us what he believe we can handle, again he needs a new accountant. I know in my heart that the decisions you face will be hard, but I also know they aren't made lightly. Prayer for you Ralph and the family as you face yet another 'character building' challenge.

Betsy - OMG. I had a vision of you and the GF then a flash of me facing Amanda at the market. Your encounter sounds so much like my last with her back in 07. Flash point anger, words exchanged, accusations made and nothing gained. I thought she was the problem, she knew I was. My guilt, her anger, my hurt, her unrelenting tyriad of my 'lack of ability' as a mum.

Now I focus on seeing Harmony. Our encounter will be in a public place. I can't say how this will go, but I hope I can maintain a calmness that allows me to finally see Mike girl.

Dan - As always each memorial you post including your beloved Nick's are amazing.

Greg - Love that car...

The agent from the Bay is hoping to rent the house before the end of lease. Thought this might be hard, but right now with a sniffly Jeya rugged up in a 'onesy' and Zak scouring his word puzzle I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here in the hills....I know.

I was unpacking a box of stuff from 2004/2005 just around the time I lost mum. There was a small book with a picture of a setting sun called "Seascapes ~ Inspiration from the Sea for you". This was mum's book...she wrote Mikes address on one of the pages. Coincidence ?

This is a quote from the first page...

"Those who come to the sea to be refreshed and removed can share the gift of serentity and return home again, inspired and restored by the spirit of the sea"...Oh yeah

[mysonrich]

Happy Birthday, Toby, Toby, Toby !

[ericasmom]

Trudi, I am crying a tth ewords from the book of the Sea that was your Mums and made for you to find. Mike's address on a page, and now your return to the hills, refreshed, renewed in many ways. The price of renewal far too huge to ever explain. I do hope that you will see Mike's Girl soon and that calm will indeed prevail.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Betsy I am so very sorry that you had to endure that painful encounter!!!! I too have exchanged Angry words, accusations, finger pointing with people over Stephen's passing. It was inevitable and maybe did clear the air. As has already been said, maybe you were strong enough now to engage with the girlfriend and that is the reason this happened. Please be gentle with yourself. You are a fantastic mother, you loved Rich with all your heart. We were and are powerless over this terrible loss that we are experiencing. Had we had any power it would not have happened. Remember the good times, the smiles, the love the wonder of it all.

Dee the day sounds perfect. Double Decker train, water taxi, outside activities for the children I am so glad you were able to enjoy this time

Sherry yes the New Jersey shore is a beautiful place. I am sorry to hear about the beach erosion in your area. I am sure that was before conservationist became active I bet your corn was delicious

Leah You and everyone on theirs site (the Indigos) all help me to stay sane and on the difficult upward coarse. Before coming here I was in a dark, dark place.

Dan I agree the tribute to Toby was beautiful

Shelly Glad you feel safe enough to share That is what the Indigo family is all about

.

Lori,How is the shopping going for the trip?

Carol in my thoughts

Trudi always so good to see Mike and read your thoughts. The book by the Sea of Your Mom's is a special

find

Rhonda Yes you described my sympathy and feeling exactly before I experienced this terrible loss. Glad you are walking this road with us. I could not read the Medical Examiners report. I did give it to his Doctor who called witha brief summary of the contents.

I am off to a wedding Have a gentle day Indigos

[westleysmom]

Betsy-I am so sorry for the painful episode with the GF. I don't know if there is any blame to be placed on Westley's friends for what happened, he was with them more than he was with me, but I blame myself anyway. I have never asked them for details of what was going on that night. I know they were all together at a friend's house and the parents were there, which of course doesn't guarantee anything won't go wrong, as we all know from painful experience. They all, including the dad who was there, said he seemed fine when he left there. The girl that he was with said she drove from that house to her house because she didn't think he should, but Westley was not a great driver and he had been up since 5:30 that morning. He had several wrecks where he drifted to sleep, caused I think by his sleep apnea. (Sherry, I'm sorry to have to admit this where you will see it. I was terrified that he would hurt someone in this way and lived in the fear that it would happen and he would not be able to live with himself if it did. I did everything I could to get him treatment and had him sleep tested and there is a cpap machine here that was barely used. He said it was like sleeping with an octopus on his face. I couldn't get him to understand that was better than trying to sleep with a death or permanent injury of an innocent person on his conscience for the rest of his life, which he was spared and I am thankful for.) I am sorry that hurtful things were said to you as if we need someone else to blame us when we already blame ourselves enough. Dee is right, let it go if you can. Sending you hugs.

Betty-I'm sure you will look beautiful for the wedding. Have a good time.

Trudi-I hope that you are able to see Harmony soon and that there is no drama from the mama. Good luck with getting the lease taken over. I'm so glad you are feeling happy where you are. I guess that is what we should all try to do, but sometimes we just have such a hard time accepting the reality of where we are, outliving our beloved children.

Dee-Your day sounds like so much fun. I hope the weekend is relaxing for you too.

Colleen-I'm so glad AJ and his friends are okay. You are a great Mom and Dad, it is so hard ot know what to do when stuff like this happens.

We are having a much needed break from the nearly 100 degree stretch of days we have had and even are getting some rain. But I like rain and cloudy days anyway, and not really in a sad way, I always liked the rain.

Leah, Cheryl, Bonnie, Shelly, Tony, CJ, Dan, Greg, Sherry, Amy, Karen, Carol, everybody, thinking of you all and hoping that you have a day that helps to heal your soul.

[lolynbo]

SHOPPING HAS AND IS GOING GOOD, STILL NEED TO BUY KODY A SPORT COAT HE SURPRISINLY HAS OUT GROWN HIS....SINCE 09'......

TOBY TOBY TOBY....HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY TO YOU...

I AM AS OF TOM GOING TO BE ON THE FINALY COUNTDOWN 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 SAIL.............IM TRYING TO GET PACKED BUT HARD TO PACK MONTY AND KODY...UP B4 WE LEAVE CUZ THEY STILL WEAR SO MUCH THEY ARE TAKEN... AND THE DOGS TRY TO GET IN THE SUIT CASES LOL...

KIMMY WILL BE HERE TO DAY GOT GOOD CHECK UP YEST AT DOC BUT STILL CANT SWIM YET BUT I CAN LAYOUT AND SPLASH...IM NOT MUCH OF A SWIMMER ANYWAYS.

HAVE A GREAT DAY.....STILL 112 HERE YUK...I COT STICKY BUNS

[rlolheiser]

Toby Toby Toby ... may you light up the heavens with our angels on this your birthday... may mom feel your closeness today and everyday!

[ericasmom]

It was a great day yesterday Rhonda and Betty, filled with children that I love and for that I am dearly grateful. I know ERz would love to be there in person so as to hold the hands of the children, but she holds them I think, in her Angel ways.

Well I tried Zumba today at the gym. If I can walk and not need back brace tomorrow, I will go to Zumba again as it was a wonderful workout and fun too. The music was uplifting adn I was not the only one who could not keep up all of the time.

Betty, have a beautiful time at the wedding.

Trudi, thanks, it was very nice to have the waves and the peace of the time away before we start school again.

Peace to All,

dee

[daveydow1]

Betsy-----Sorry about the incident with Rich's g.f. How unpleasant. I agree.....she was rude, and the

confrontation against you was not necessary. I sure hope that as a little few hours pass, that you

will feel somewhat better. I know, so well, how things like that .......unkind words etc. ..can just hang

in a person's mind, and be upsetting, as we mentally hash it over again. Sending prayers , friend.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, ..........DEAR TOBY. Thinking of you today, Cheryl.....

May your memories of you dear son warm your heart.

Rhonda-----Sorry that West's driver's license came in the mail, just 2 days after he died. How sad. I

had an incident something like that too..........about a few weeks after Davey died, he had a letter that

came in the mail---(from some adult vocational training school ). It said on the outside of the envelope,

"David,.....What's in Your Future" ??

Trudi----So touching that you found your dear mum's book to Mike....."Seascapes---Inspirations From the Sea for You"

It will be a little treasure for you. We do hold those things close to help us.

Betty-----Yep....the corn was pretty good. The erosion at Lake Erie was a big problem in the 80's and 90's. They did

not do anything to correct the beach area after the damage the erosion made. Guess the state didn't have the money,

or they decided that there wasn't much that could be done, and would be prohibitively expensive to correct.

Dee----Sound like you had a wonderful time on your outing to Navy Pier. I believe my husband said that he visited

there, years ago when he was a student at Loyola.

Have a lot of things to get done now, so bye all Indigos.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sherry, how difficult to receieve that mail in the days of shock after losing Davey. I am sorry. It definitely leaves a groove in your soul doesn't it, when we receive things around that loss time that seems to SHOUT at us. The night before Eri was hit, my sis, who isn't religious and usually does not pass on chain emails, sent me one that said,: If God takes you to it, HE sees you through it. Pass it on as you say a prayer.

I baked and still in the oven a peach pound cake to take to my niece's home tomorrow. I also made a peach pie for us as the Michigan peaches we bought were all ripe at once. THey had to be used today or thrown away. Delicious.

[Guest msnher]

Love peaches! My favorite fruit. It's hard to get a good peach out here. Right after Steph was born we rented a house with a huge peach tree in the back....West Jordan, Utah....It was the only time I enjoyed canning. I froze a lot of them, too. Best peaches ever.

Today was Jonathon's 7th birthday. It's only been two years so I'm trying to cut myself some slack, but I find myself drifting in and out of sadness. I saved the message she left on my phone two yrs ago today. I have to resave it every 21 days or it automatically gets deleted.

Deep sigh.

More importantly than the grief I'm experiencing, however, my heart is heavy for all the lives lost in Afghanistan today. Everyday. Pray for peace.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[nicksdad]

[nicksdad]

[ericasmom]

Praying for PEACE is an everyday more than once a day activity, but boy, this day, this sadness touching the lives of so many families and friends as their soldiers left this Earth together in such a violent way...

If we could see everyone's prayers lifting out of our hearts and spirits, there would be a constant state of energy trailing upward toward the skies, maybe in the form of steam or colors. There is a good little book that I keep in my classroom that is entitiled; What is Peace, what is war? While we pray for large groups of those in need, Somalia. Please Let us Feed the People, Everyday, Let the Children have immunizations, let the people listen to music, let there be hope and more hope and let the oppressors leave the area and disburse.

My friend Matt, teaches at same school, has a daughter Becca. Becca graduated from high school and flew two days later to Ghana to work at an orphanage for children orphaned by aides. She is documenting all that goes on as she and fellow young folks from all around the world are working on teaching safety measures to children, teaching them how to say NO if approached for sex, how to go for help, how to make their country stronger by passing good information on to fellow children. What good work Becca and these volunteers around the world are involved with. And so Lord and Eri and all of our Angels, please bless the work being done to make better the lives of so many in this world. Help us all find ways to do so.

Goodnight Everyone, sleep deeply and if you are to dream, may they be the kind that make you smile.

[ericasmom]

JOEY SWEET ANGEL-

Happy Birthday-let your Momma feel the glory of this date as it sent you into her life and filled her life with joy.

[Guest msnher]

I watched Steel Magnolia's last night. I posted on facebook that it might not have been very wise of me to do so, considering...

A friend posted "That movie has a little bit toooo much reality in it for me. That is why I don't have children."

My reply: "If I had known how all of this would end, I might have missed the pain, but I would have missed the dance" Garth Brooks. Was the pain of losing a child (and it is greater than can be imagined or portrayed in a movie) worth having that child in the first place? Yes! Unequivocally yes!!

I needed that jolt. This friend is a compassionate friend without a mean bone in her body. I know she didn't mean anything at all by her comment and I wouldn't have posted it except that I wanted to post that it has been worth it. Going through the pain of losing Steph is worth the joy (and sometimes heartache) of having her in the first place.

[ericasmom]

For all of us a line I heard in a great song the other day: A mother is only as happy as her saddest child.

I gulped when I heard this, can't even tell you the song or nature of the music, the line just bounced around my heart echoing off my bones. I said the line to my sister the other day as she is quite worried about her youngest, age 22, and he is the youngest of 7 so she really gets that line. THere are many joys in her busy family, but when one or more of her kids are struggling, she is right there struggling too.I would say that that is the nature of having children, and that this line holds true for most parents.

Love Steel Magnolias, andsometimes watching a movie that is that emotional is exactly what you need when you are approaching the dates or feeling the need to have time with your sadness. Cathartic.

[ericasmom]

Browse : 0-9 A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z | ALL

Waiting On A Sign lyrics

Ben Harper

Found the song on google:

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Add to my playlist

Watch Waiting On A Sign video!

Lyrics to Waiting On A Sign :

I didn't come here

Trying to find forgiveness

I didn't come here

Looking for a fix

I didn't come here

In hopes of seeing

How the unforsaken get their kicks

It's like a cry for help nobody hears

Close as you can get

But I'm still nowhere near

Now I'm just down here

Waiting on a sign

I'm running out of time

I'm here waiting on a sign

A mother is only happy as her saddest child

To learn to live without can take awhile

And it's a long way back to anywhere

And it's not too late but it's getting there

Like a cry for help that nobody hears

Close as you can get

But I'm still nowhere near

I'm just here waiting on your sign

I'm running out of time

So you blow a veil of smoke

To protect yourself from the joke

Look around this room and say,

"Man, I don't belong here."

There's so many sides to to the truth

But only one side to a fact

What will we do with what we can't take back?

Like a cry, like a cry for help

That nobody hears

Close as you can get but I'm still

Nowhere near

I didn't come here

Trying to find forgiveness

I didn't come here

Looking for a fix

I didn't come here

In hopes of seeing

How the unforsaken get their kicks

It's like a cry for help nobody hears

Close as you can get

But I'm still nowhere near

Now I'm just down here

Waiting on a sign

I'm running out of time

I'm here waiting on a sign

A mother is only happy as her saddest child

To learn to live without can take awhile

And it's a long way back to anywhere

And it's not too late but it's getting there

Like a cry for help that nobody hears

Close as you can get

But I'm still nowhere near

I'm just here waiting on your sign

I'm running out of time

So you blow a veil of smoke

To protect yourself from the joke

Look around this room and say,

"Man, I don't belong here."

There's so many sides to to the truth

But only one side to a fact

What will we do with what we can't take back?

Like a cry, like a cry for help

That nobody hears

Close as you can get but I'm still

Nowhere near

[Guest msnher]

And....I misquoted Garth Brook's song. Same message, though.

HAPPY BELLY BUTTON DAY, JOEY!! WE CELEBRATE YOUR BIRTH AND GIVE THANKS FOR THE TIME YOUR MOMMA HAD WITH YOU, ALTHOUGH WE THINK IT WAS MUCH TOO SHORT. SEND YOUR BEAUTIFUL MOTHER SOME ANGEL KISSES TODAY.

Dee, on the news the other night, there was a segment about a group of mom's going to (some place in Africa, I think) to help make a difference in the lives of the children. I loved it. The reporter said you could tell they were all mom's because they all waved at the children as they rode in their bus.

I don't know why. One second I feel distraught over the loss of my daughter. I woke this morning, sad, remembering the last time I saw her - two years ago today - and then I read my friend's comment on facebook, and now I'm celebrating that I got to see her at all!

I think it was Irma Bombeck that said becoming a parent means you will your heart outside of your body for the rest of your life. Something like that.

I grieve losing Stephanie. But the thought of never having her in the first place is unfathomable. This pain is worth having her at all. It's a new twist or turn on this journey for me. How ironic that it happens two days before her second angelversary.

What IF God said you can have this wonderful person in your life but you only get to have her/him for a few short years. And, when it's time for him/her to come home you won't be able to stop it and it is going to be the worst pain you've ever experienced. You will wish for death. You will lose your joy. You will find it again, but it will take time...a long time. If you are willing to go through the worst hell one can imagine, I will allow you to enjoy this beautiful person.

How many of us would have said "no"? None of us! Each one of us would choose this hell for the price of having a taste of heaven (our children) for the time alloted.

Today, for me, is not a day for mourning the death of my daughter....it is a day for celebrating the fact I got to have her at all. I'll let y'all know how long the celebrating lasts...if I fall into despair, and I might, you will be the first to know.

[heartbeataway]

/˚ •。* ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛*★ 。 ˛ღ 。* ° ˚ • ★ *˚ .ღ 
/▌*˛˚ღ • ˚˚ ✰*...Celebrating Life and Joey, Tanner and Toby ..... ★
/ \ ˚. ★ *˛ ˚ ✰。˚ ▌*˛˚ღ •˚ *˛ ˚ ✰。˚˚ღ。* ˛ 。✰˚* ˚ ★ღ ˚ 。✰*˚ .ღ 。
/

[Guest msnher]

Wow, Dee! Powerful words.

[Guest msnher]

A woman in the audience asked Irma Bombeck if she had a favorite child. Her answer was "Yes. It's the one who is sick, until they are well. The one who is gone, until they are back. The one who is sad, until they are happy. The one who needs me most."

(I'm a huge Irma Bombeck fan)

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

JOEY, JOEY, JOEY

TANNER, TANNER, TANNER

MAY SWEET MEMORIES OF YOUR SPIRIT

WARM MOM'S HEART

[ericasmom]

TANNER DEAR-

YOU live on in the lives of others, in the hearts of all those who will always love you.