Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Diane, tell Nathan's friend that his words touched me deeply, loved his writing.

Gotta go to writing group and then to school to work, back is much better though still a bit off, but I do feel encouraged...

love to all-

dee

[lil406]

Hello again all,

To the one who is getting married soon (sorry I forgot to look at your name, lol). I got married on 6-15 exactly one month before my daughter left us. It was the last time I saw her. I was so very grateful for that last few days I had with her. I say this because no matter what yours will be with you even if not in bodily form, but in spirit! She will be holding your hand, hugging you, and letting you know that it is ok to move on.

The day after our wedding we left for our honeymoon and we left her standing on the front porch of our house. She was flying back home that afternoon, but we had reservations and had to leave early in the morning. I was in the truck and my new husband was about to pull out of the driveway and something made me stop and get out to give her one more hug and to tell her how much I loved her. Was it a higher power? I will never know. But I did give her a very big hug and told her to stay safe and how very much I loved her. Just one short month later, she was gone!

I am having a hard time with the aftermath. One of my other daughters has shut me out completely and I feel like I have lost her too right now. Maybe that will change, maybe not. I am hoping she will come back to me but I cannot pressure her to do so. Our birthday is coming up and it is a big one (she 30, me 50). We always have called eachother at midnight. I am not sure if that will happen this year. We are both in so much pain. She moved right after her sister died and didn't even tell me. I found out because I sent grandsons birthday card to him and it came back. I found her new address and mailed it again but then it arrived to late. So does she think I forgot or did she even give it to him? I don't know. Does she even know how much more she is hurting us? We will never get this time back and I feel like I am being punished for her pain as well!

That is enough for now, thanks for reading!

Forever love lilbug,

Momma

[shorty16]

Diane

WOW, I just love that letter written by Nathan's friend. It was awe-inspiring. If appropriate, please tell him that his words touched my very soul. We placed Brian's ashes in the Pacific Ocean, Christmas of 2009 (along with several others). And the way that young man described the ocean, sand, and wind is exactly how it was. As we were pouring Brian's ashes in the Pacific, a wave came waist-deep and engulfed us - as if to say "I am here - right with you - thank you for thinking of me!"

Thank you, Diane for posting it.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Diane - I echo what Dee and Colleen have already said, I am touched deeply by Nathan's friend's writing to Nathan. Beautiful! (Your laughter is deeply appreciated.)

Colleen - I haven't been able to call you yet. It's been very busy around here this morning! But know I want to! If the road to hell is paved with good intentions I'm screwed.

Christina - I cheated and looked up your name and now I can't remember if you have an e or an a at the end. Unfortunately, the only predictable thing about grief is it sucks for everyone involved. Sometimes it draws people closer and sometimes it pushes people apart. Each so buried in their own pain they can't see the others pain. I don't think it's out of cruelty. I think it's out of survival.

[briansdad]

Dee ,

Here is one I've always loved it sort of fits us here......" I can't make it alone"

[briansdad]

Here is another song that makes me think of our kids. I will say that music has carried me along this journey.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bt7Fxd7_54Q

[lolynbo]

FROM YAHOO I COPIED IT

Two years ago, Kelly Preston was struggling to make sense of the sudden death of her 16-year-old son Jett, who lost his life due to a seizure in January 2009.

The actress, now 48, credits her religion for getting her through the toughest period of her life. "To be honest, [it was] the Scientology Center," Preston tells Health magazine's September issue. "I don't know if I would have made it through without it."

PHOTOS: The Travolta family album

(Preston and her husband, John Travolta, have been Scientologists for more than two decades.)

The experience taught Preston a valuable lesson. "Don't sweat the small things. Love your kids like it could be the last moment."

After a painful two years, the family (including daughter Ella Bleu, 11) finally received some happy news when baby Benjamin Hunter Kaleo was born in November 2010.

PHOTOS: Stars who got pregnant after 40

"We [had been trying] for quite a few years," Preston tells Health. "When I found out I was pregnant, I was floored. I'd snuck out of bed and then came back and woke Johnny up in bed. We both started crying. It was wonderful."

Motherhood, Preston says, is the single most important role she's ever tackled. "I've always wanted to be a mother, ever since I was 11. I was doing commercials for thousands of dollars, but I'd still babysit for $3 an hour just because I loved it."

OH YAHOO...SAYING HOW SHE "OVERCAME HER SONS DEATH"....GIVE ME A BREAK SHE DIDNT OVER COME SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTT......JUST CUZ SHE HAD ANOTHER KID DONT MEAN SHES OVER COME....

[lil406]

I agree, "get over what?" I know I will never be the same 1 week, 2 months, 2 years, etc..... I will NEVER get over my loss. It may ease up on me but I will NEVER get over it. I will eventually learn to live with it, but I know the pain never goes away EVER!

Just really hurting today, a bad day. No sleep for weeks, nothing to keep me occupied, (I was in the process of looking for work, now I am worthless to anyone who would be willing to hire me), can't concentrate for longer than a few minutes. Of course all of you longterm people know what I am saying here, nothing new to you I am sure. I just don't know where to turn next.

Lilbugs Momma

[Guest msnher]

This morning while I was doing the girl's hair, my ipod playing, the song "How can I help you say goodbye" by Patti Loveless came on. Jasmine and held each other as we cried.

More than anything else, music is my undoing. My emotions are exposed much too quickly.

Hugs to you, Christine. Hang on.

[daveydow1]

Lil406----Your words are very true........We do learn to live with the loss of our dear beloved children,

but I don't think that we ever 'get over it', as some people say. I'm sorry that this is such a rough

time for you, but all of us here at BI who have been on this road agree with you, and know the pain

and sorrow you are having. Each person on this journey must go along at their own pace dealing

with the terrible grief. Just knowing that there are others who truly understand can help us. Peace

and comfort to you, friend.

Lorrie----Yep.....I think that one does not 'overcome' a child's death. We just learn to live a new kind

of life that we never thought we would be caught up in. Enjoy your upcoming cruise.....it sounds so nice.

Leah-----Sorry that you are not feeling up to par. Just take care of yourself.....I know that you are always

busy with taking care of everyone, but do take care of yourself too.

Sus-----I will try to post some pics soon.....but you know how much of a klutz I am when it comes to posting

pics......sometimes it works, many times it is a washout, but I will try. Also,....it's so understandable

that you have lots & lots of laundry with the children. I used to have mountains of it too.....not much anymore

since all the kids are grown and on their own. Stock in P&G might be a good bet !

Diane-----Just a lovely letter written by Nathan's friend. He certainly has a gift for writing. Thanks for posting.

Crystal----Best of luck with the wedding.

Have a good night's rest everyone.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[lil406]

Hi,

Since you peeked, it is Christina

Lilbugs Momma

[ericasmom]

Lorri, have a wonderful and happy trip, let the wind take your worries and some of your ache and fly that away, Kourt would probably like that, knowing that a Mom such as you is priceless, she would want you to enjoy your time more than you even think you can. She is your biggest cheerleader as you are hers.

Greg, Simple Man, what a fabulous song, thanks so much. Saw him sing that on stage at the Auditorium theater in Chicago years ago. Without music like that and so many great artists, I don't know where I would be right now. They sang through my life and when grief struck, through all the parts of that as well, into today where life is quite different than it used to be but I can say that there is laughter in each day now. The Cat STevens is an album that I listened to constantly after ERz died and taught my students a few of the songs. WE sang Moonshadow at our holiday sing, all 100 third graders being followed by a Moon shadow. And Peace train the following year.

Christina, you are one month out, you can't focus for more than a few seconds is quite normal in an abnormal tragedy such as losing a Child. Be kind to yourself and know that while we might totally know the steps you will travel before you travel them, it is very important to give voice to them and repeat them as this does help you get to the next point. I am not saying 'get through the loss' I am saying that going through grief is the only way to find the light in your life again. Nope, it can't be the same light, but there will be light, there will be laughter again one day. And what could make your Lilbug happier than knowing that you would find your way through to the side of grief that allows and fosters happiness?

Was your other Daughter angry at you before your Lilbug died? I am sorry that you are dealing with that pain as well. thinking of you.

Sherry, I agree with whomever said it, Sus, or Betsy, that your descriptions of the garden and the wildlife and the pies and the canning makes me see a wonderful homey place that smells like applesauce, all cinnimon and nutmeg aroma. I am so glad that you are entering your work at the fair. How wonderful I am so excited for you.

[mikesmomrs]

So wish I could reply to all who have posted...I have "scanned" most posts, but Kim and girls are preparing to leave tomorrow morning, and the past few days have been quite hectic with all that is going on in the background. I mostly just want to let you all know that you are still all in my thoughts, every day.

We dropped Davis off to rehab inpatient today (Kim's last day here had to be spent driving him to the pre-entrance physical and then to the place...a total of six hours travel time...I pray that it will prove fruitful), and at 9:55 pm I got the first call..."I am not staying here. I'm done with this place." When we first pulled into the driveway of the place this afternoon, the first thing he said was "this sucks, this is a dump! There's not even any airconditioning (all the windows were open and there was one sole air conditioner in the window of one room on the second floor), and I am going to swelter here." (Davis does sleep every night, even in winter, with a fan blowing directly on him, even if the a/c is on) It is an old farmhouse, set off by itself, with not much around, and yes, it is a little run down compared to what he is used to. BUT, it looked like it only needed a paint job, and it was basically clean, just old. The woman who met him at the door was very nice, but when she told him he had to leave his Ipod with me, his back stiffened and his face took on the look of "this is a betrayal" and he walked woodenly to the van and got his bag and left the Ipod in the van. When I hugged him goodbye, I might as well have been hugging the Tin Man before he was oiled up! The first thing he said to me tonight when he called was "I am not staying here." "I will go to meetings at home, I will do what I have to do." I said that "if you are doing what you have to do, then you will stay there and do it, because you can't do detox here." When he said "Come and get me tomorrow," I had to steel myself and say "No, I won't do that, Davis, I can't do that." Then I said "If you find another way to leave there, you can't come here. You need to realize that." He hung up. I am sitting here, a bundle of pain, my fingers are on autopilot, pumping out words to describe what is cutting through my heart like a razor.

I am so sorry to go on about this, it is just adding more to an already painful journey. I will end now...I should just erase this, but somehow leaving it posted and knowing that you all are reading it, does offer some sense of comfort, some sense of cohesion, as I know that you all support us in this painful, but necessary action. I pray. That is all I can do now. That is all anyone can do. It is up to Davis, now.

My love and prayers to all of you...

[Guest msnher]

Carol - If you can, and it will be very difficult, try to realize you are not talking TO Davis right now but to his addiction. His addiction is pretty upset about it's loss of control. You are telling the addiction it can't come back to your house. I imagine reality is hitting Davis right between the eyes about now. They won't sugar coat the truth at rehab. You are doing the right thing! You are on the top of my prayer list. I love you!!!

[ericasmom]

Oh Carol, please go on about this situation with Davis, it is clearly something to go on about. If any of us were in similar shoes, you would also want to know and send prayers out. We want to know and we are actively sending hopes and prayers out to Davis, to you and Ralph and to all the kids who are worried about their cousin, their friend. I mostly worry aobut you as you have had such a plate-full and I want you to take care of your heart but I know right now, you are clenched and sitting on the edge of your nerves. I am sorry for this worry, this continued ache.

Please God and Mike and all of our Angels and Angels we don't even know, please reach down and somehow calm the Boy/Man named Davis, let him see the reasons he is where he is and begin to want to change this route, help him see that he can beat this addiction that he can find ways to live with joy without it, and that nobody is letting him down but his addiction. Please oh please Lord and Angels, rock him to sleep and give him dreams that allow him the knowledge that will get him through this hard hard time.

Peace Sweet Carol, give Ralph a hug,

love you

[Guest msnher]

Amen, in agreement with Dee's prayer! Amen and amen!

Too tired to post more tonight. Very busy day. At one point we had eight kids riding their bikes up and down our alley. After dinner the kids and I went for a ride on the bike trail by the river. Swimming, cooking, laundry (say it with me, "it's always laundry") even a neighbor from across the street stopped by for a visit (first time since Steph died - she brought food and flowers then, but we haven't really talked since) We sat in the garden and tried to catch up. I just remember I forgot to have the kids read to me today. We did have spontaneously decide to eat water melon outside after the kids had their baths and were ready for bed. The sprinklers were going and Little Curtis was in them before we blinked. With our permission all the kids joined, pajamas and all. A memory I'm sure they will carry forever. Also, Jasmine is a good bike rider! I mean, she's really good! I poured on the praise to her.

I missed a lot staying in bed the last two years. I will never get "over" Stephanie's death, but I am ready to live with it...for today, anyway.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Carol

I double that Amen on Dee's prayer. Thanks for telling us. That is what we are here for. You and Ralph are doing the right thing. Keep strong my friend.

Colleen

[dwsmithrn]

carol, this sounds so difficult, for you and for davis, but for some reason, my heart is telling me, that he is going to make it.....i hope it's nathan, telling me to tell you that it is going to be ok. i can't explain why my heart is feeling this way today, but after reading posts this morning, it doesn't seem to be about 'me' today.

dee...amen.

a good day to all.....my thoughts are with you all. diane

[briansdad]

Here is a link to a good friend of mine.His web site has a lot of good information.

http://www.heartlightstudios.net/links

[westleysmom]

Carol-I'm so sorry for what you are going through, but you must know that you are doing the right thing. Hugs to all of you

Trying to post a picture which may be huge, sorry in advance. Me, CJ and his guardian for a while, Lisa. He is doing well and trying to get out on his own now.

[westleysmom]

Trying again.

[shorty16]

Hello my friends.

The weather is so beautiful again in Wisconsin.

We went to the Brewer game last night. Many people there and very humid, but we won and Miller Park is such a beautiful stadium (but not a beautiful as Fenway - (Right Carol?)

Tonight should ba a laid-back night - not much going on.

I am thinking of all our angels, like I always do. Each time I hear of a newly bereaved parent, I ask Brian to welcome that child into heaven and show them around. Brian is probably as popular in heaven as he was on Earth.

Love to my friends.

[mikesmomrs]

thank you so much, all of you, for your prayers and your thoughts and comfort. Dee...your prayer is on my lips throughout the day...haven't heard from him yet today...they can start making a phone call (they get one 10 min call or two 5 min calls each day) at 3:30 each day until 10 pm each night.

Rhonda: i took the liberty of resizing the photo you posted...hope that was okay. Trying to find something constructive to do to keep my mind from racing...perhaps doing something good for someone else will move my mind off this "worry track"...

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's, a warm hello to our new members with the knowing that this is the last place you want to be. This is a place to find refuge,compassion and above all, I hope a step in healing your shattered hearts. My name is Betsy and my son;Rich,died in his sleep from cardiac dysrhythmia at the age of 20.

Carol, a strong pull at the heartstrings for you, Ralph and all involved in the treatment and recovery of Davis. Pulling from your reservoir of strength yet again. May the old house be a step and turning of a corner for you all.

Sherry, are you entering your “state” quilt in the fair”

Susannah, yes. I wrote “state”.

Greg, thanks for the music. I liked “ Simple Man” by Nash. ( See Susannah, I did it again ! ) We had the words of Skynyrds “Simple Man” written on Rich's memorial program. I now like both songs.

Dee, thanks for asking about Sarah. She moved so quickly in order to teach summer school and has now started in-service for teachers. Very early for this part of the country. School normally does not start until after Labor Day. She seems very happy with her move. She needed a fresh start, a change of scene and she enjoys the excitement of cities. The energy. Of course I worry about her still. She has started on her Masters as well. When I talk to my brother I realize that she will never have a witness of a sibling to her life which makes me hurt for her. But what can I do. How is Jon? I haven't read of his recovery and life events lately. If you wrote, I am sorry I missed it.

Diane, A beautifully written tribute to Nathan from his friend. Uplifting and loving.

I have been busy lately. First covering for a co-worker while she is on vacation in a position that I am not used to. My per Diem is on Saturday and have found the pace during the week to be no stop. The day feels like a workout but it has kicked my butt these past three days. In a good way. I did ask for this coming Saturday off and haven't received a reply yet. I asked 2 weeks ago,verbally and in writing. This was to be our little get away to the shore. If they can't cover me Sarah will have to go with a friend though I must say I'm trying not to be down about it.

My aunt went to a funeral today of a elderly cousin of ours. I didn't attend. My 2^nd cousin was here, she is 30 years old. She started to talk about Rich. I was so shocked I didn't say anything. I didn't think she would remember a whole lot about him mainly to the fact that we lived in different parts of the state. She spent the night and this morning I thanked her. I told her that I am normally met with silence when I mention his name. She told me a couple of stories and also why she talks about him. He lived.

I joined a group for amateur photographers. Its a meet-up group and I hope to meet up with some members soon. My camera is just that. A little camera . Looking at the photos of some of the other members, I know I'll need an upgrade in the future Not that its required but because I want to see things,capture life in a manner that convey what I really see.

Below, this morning before the rain. I thought the little bird was cute. The Hummingbird. There were 2 out today. They seemed to hang around all day and I was surprised when I could actually get a shot. Not the best. They are fast.

[Guest msnher]

Betsy - You've handed me a puzzle and I have no idea what it means. "State"? "Simple Man"? It is a mystery. Completely over my head.

[aim630]

Carol-we are all thinking of you and Ralph and praying for Davis. I know this is difficult for you, but I know you are doing the right thing, and what is best for Davis right now.

Dee- Thanks for asking about Katie, we drop her off 2 weeks from today. I know she is ready to take this next step in her life, and I'm excited for her, but I'll miss her a lot! She wants me to pick her up Sept 23rd for one last Indians game, then parents weekend is Sept 30th. Then she'll be home at Thanksgiving until New Year's.

Lorri-hope you have fun on your cruise. Kourtney will be right there with you.

Betsy-I'm glad your cousin talked about Rich with you. It makes us feel good when someone else remembers our angels. Not many people want to bring their names up, probably because they're afraid of upsetting us. What they don't realize is, it upsets us more to think our angels re forgotten.

Christina-I'm sorry you have a reason to be here, but I'm glad you found us. These are the most caring group of people you'll ever meet, (not that I've personally met any of them), but they have helped me get through the past 18 months. Please continue to come back and tell us about your daughter.

Diane-I love the poem Nathan's friend wrote. Nathan was a great guy that is deeply missed by friends and family alike.

iread a good quote yesterday from the book "State of Wonder": There was no one clear point of loss. It happened over and over again in a thousand small ways and the only truth there was to learn was that there was no getting used to it.

Kinda sums up my life,and probably yours too now.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[shellyku]

Good Evening Indigos - Today was the 1 year angelversary for my daughter, Sarah.

It was a strangely peaceful day...not a lot of crying, just quiet sadness. I did remember

every moment of this day and yesterday one year ago: how we got the call the day

before she passed from her husband saying we'd better get to Philly fast, there was

nothing more that could be done for her. How we were up that whole night and into

the next day until she passed away. I think I am just numb. I miss my girl.

I pray for each and every one of you and all you are going through. My heart holds

each one of your angels. Sleep well and dream of your sweet children.

[rlolheiser]

Good Evening Indigos - Today was the 1 year angelversary for my daughter, Sarah.

It was a strangely peaceful day...not a lot of crying, just quiet sadness. I did remember

every moment of this day and yesterday one year ago: how we got the call the day

before she passed from her husband saying we'd better get to Philly fast, there was

nothing more that could be done for her. How we were up that whole night and into

the next day until she passed away. I think I am just numb. I miss my girl.

I pray for each and every one of you and all you are going through. My heart holds

each one of your angels. Sleep well and dream of your sweet children.

thinking of SARAH and saying her name over and over SARAH SARAH SARAH..

thinking of you and your family and hope your felt her near today and everyday

[lil406]

Hi all,

I am awaiting the arrival of my oldest daughter that I have not seen in nearly 20 years. We are trying to start a new relationship, as she says WOOT! I am excited and nervous. I am sure you all will ask so I will say to make a long story short: I had to let her go because I could no longer give her the help she needed. Now with the passing of her sister we are trying to mend fences so to speak. So now she is sitting in airport with a flight delay, and here I sit waiting for her to arrive scared sh*#less! I wouldn't change this for anything! We have alot of mending to do and I am so ready to make a start in that direction. We only started chating online a few months ago and she didn't want to come to her sisters funeral because she was afraid of what happened to me (another long story) would happen to her. So she went to beach and had her own private service. I couldn't do that as I would not give my ex-husband the satisfaction of feeling he could scare me away that easily! Now that I reread this it sounds like rambling but I feel better for writing it.

Loving lilbug forever - Momma

[mysonrich]

Sarah Sarah Sarah, saying you name outloud !

[mysonrich]

Susannah, forgetaboutit

where is Dan?

[mysonrich]

lil406, if you don't ramble I have problem understanding what you are saying. Nonrambleing, what is that ?

[nicksdad]

[ericasmom]

SARAH, hugs to you on this hard date, a date we wish was not the mark of your leaving. We hope that you will help direct us to help your Momma as best we can.

Blessings to you Shelly, may you feel the presence of Sarah in the peacefulness of the summer night.

Christina, good luck for this meeting. How wonderful to have this opportunity and I wish you well as you get closer and closer to time with your eldest Daughter.

[Guest msnher]

SARAH - SARAH - SARAH Please give your mother sweet dreams of comfort about you.

Betsy - Nooooooo! You can't speak to me in code and not tell me what it means. Oh, fine! I'll forgetaboutit.

I pray you all some rest and peace tonight.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmum]

Carol & Ralph ~ Adding my prayers for you both as you face this latest challenge. You truly have done all that you humanly can for Davis, now its up to him. Your love and care can't be denied.

Betsy ` I know what you mean about the camera. There is a photography class here in the hills run by Rotary. My camera is a pocket sized Lumix. While I think it takes a good shot, I too think an upgrade may be in order...

Today has been one of those 'not so good days'. Moving out of the Bay was never going to be easy, but I wonder why some people make it their business to make it harder.

I began packing up leaving Mikes guitar, candles and pictures for my last trip next week. One more time of just being at the 'bay'.

I truly believed it nothing else Mal understood that this would be hard for me. I needed him to be there 'for me'. Not to be. Ambo mate rings in the middle of everything. Instead of putting him off till we are back in the hills he stops for an hour long chat. When I asked was it important he replied it needed his immediate attention as it was relevant to his 'career'. What a crock. After that he began chucking things into the trailer and the cars. No discussion no what do you want to take...just a lets get it packed and get out of here.

I walked back into where Mikes guitar was and noticed the candles and stands were missing. He had packed them and was about to pack the guitar when I just burst into tears.

Its hard not to be able to understand why we fall so hard on things that seem so insignificant to others, its harder still to have to explain it to someone who only sees it as being a bother.

I am back in the hills ~ exhausted. A hot shower and I will be unconsious. Tomorrow I will be with Melissa dropping off extra furniture she put her hand up for. Sunday will be Zak's day and of course a possible sighting of Miss Harmony.

Well, I have vented and raved....something I thing I needed just so I can 'be in the other world' over the weekend.

Good Night Indigo's ~ Thoughts of you all run through my mind....

[shorty16]

Sarah

Sarah

Sarah

Sending warm hugs to your family on this angelversary.

Colleen

[shorty16]

Lil406

How wonderful that something good may come from this grief journey - a renewed relationship with your daughter.

Even though we want everything as it was (time to go backwards) - that is not possible. And comprehending the fact our children are not coming back is very hard and takes a LONG TIME! But, once we realize we are stuck with this life, trying to make lemonade from lemons becomes part of our existance.

I am sending you warm thoughs and prayers as your begin this wonderful new journey.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[dwsmithrn]

shelley.....i sure hope sarah was near you and let you know she was with you as you came upon her angelversary.....i know all the angels are together and looking down on us and wishing we weren't so sad. they are together, in peace, out of pain, happy.....i keep trying to picture that in my mind, still my heart is sad.....

SARAH....SARAH....SARAH....put your mom at peace in these next few days......

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

Cj and Tony, Both of you are forefront in my thoughts this morning. I just want you to know I'm sending prayers!

Christina - I am concerned you will think it an invasion of your privacy for me to begin using your first name before you invited us to do so. You are safe here. I don't want to do anything to make you feel differently. You are welcome to ramble as much as you want or not. What ever makes you feel comfortable. I would bet money that your Lil bug has her hand (or wings) in healing the relationship between you and your other daughter. Good luck with your visit!

Indigo's, every muscle in my body is screaming at me and it's wonderful! I still have muscles - woo hoo. It's so nice to hurt and/or be sore from riding a bike with my grandchildren instead of the physical aches and pains that come with grief.

Grief is also physical. I didn't know that until Steph died. My battle scars are quite apparent. I wear them proudly. I do, however, want to try to put the body parts that have succumbed to the law of gravity back in their intended position - or as close possible.

[dwsmithrn]

so many things to read and post, i've lost track....lil406...i wish you the best of luck with the reunion of mother and daughter....sounds like it will work out...wishing you love and peace...

too many new indigos i wish did not have to be here....i am so sorry for that. it is a long, hard struggle, but this is the place to be. together, we can and will get through this horrible grief....we will be survivors...we will....

went to counseling yesterday and that went well. i have decided that i use her as my CRUTCH and figured out that there is nothing wrong with that....i don't use pills, booze or drugs, so i guess it is ok to 'use' the counselor instead.

don't get me wrong, there have been days i wish i DID use something to get me through the day, but i didn't.

i just want you all to know i so appreciate all the kind and encouraging words that have been posted. i even appreciate the words that let me know i WILL be battling this beast for sometime....things i need to know. i have bad days, worse days, then all of a sudden, a not-so-bad day mixed in....today, i look back and think....'i think i might make it'...tomorrow i might think differently, but today, i believe i'm going to make it. and i believe it is due to this site.....so, thanks to all of you for being here for all of us.....thanks.....diane

[westleysmom]

Shellyku-I'm sorry I missed SARAH's day yesterday and am glad you made it though. I hope the days to come are kind to you.

Trudi-It is hard to say what is going to cause a meltdown most of the time, but that surely would have done it for me. Good luck with the Harmony sighting.

Lil406-Good luck with the reunion with your daughter.

I think of you all every day even when I just can't think of one thing to say worth posting. Sometimes I feel like my brain has gone to mush. I'm kind of in a holding pattern as my daughter could go into labor anytime and I am just feeling very unsettled. I will let you all know when anything happens. It will be nice to have some good news to post. Love to you all

[mikesmomrs]

SARAH...SARAH...SARAH...BEAUTIFUL SARAH!

ALWAYS REMEMBERED, ALWAYS LOVED...YOUR SWEET NAME SPOKEN AND CHERISHED...

Shelly: So sorry I wasn't on yesterday...holding you close in our hearts and sending love and strength!

[ericasmom]

Diane, those backward glances that allow you to see the path you have already traveled are a necessary piece that encourages us because we see the road, the lumps, the huge jagged climbs, the depth of some of the holes we have fallen, we are breathless at times and who wouldn't be when we have to work so hard to live, to find purpose. I am so proud of you because you know that you have made strides, you know that there will be more strides to make, you understand that your heart beats for a reason and you are beginning to see that the work you have done is worth the effort. Helping those newer to this site is also a huge way to help your heart heal because we never say anything we don't mean and sometimes find that in reaching out we have come further than we thought. I don't see one thing wrong in using your therapist/counselor as a crutch, that is who they are for those who go, my Karen was a God-send, each time I went to her in my life. I had my last session yesterday, well last session for this iteration, and we talked about our lives together, meeting when I was 28, just after ERi's birth and she was not much older than me. I went to her to help me find ways to deal with the sexual abuse I grew up with (dad) and having had a daughter, how to make sure that I can keep her safe where my mom didn't keep me safe.I stayed when my parents disowned me due to my not bringing my children near dad becuase of it. I went for a long time, maybe 3 years. I stopped and went back when I realized how unhappy I was in my marriage and tried to find ways to work through that. I went back then for a little work upon divorce, and then not again until ERi died. Brought back to the woman who helped me with life when ERz was born, and back upon her death. I stayed again for about 2 years and she helped me immensely and went back when I had PTSD after so many people I knew passed away. Then I went back this summer as I felt my anxiety getting way out of hand again, some of which is hormones and some of which is my triggers, it does not take much for me to spin into a worry queen, obsessing on sad or bad things that might happen. I am made that way due to early trauma in the abuse, the brain changes with trauma, which we all have found, mine was trained that way as a young one and with the repeated kinds of trauma I have a very hard time switching the gears. I have strengthened my resolve and my tools to do so, and so have used my therapist again, ever thankful for her being so ready to see me again in my life, in our lives.

Carol, I hope that Davis is doing the work that is needed for him to realize his situation and what he must do to make life good again. I do believe that you have done the very best that could ever be done and I wish you a peaceful place in your heart with that.

Sus, good for you with the bike riding, nothing better for the whole person in my opinion, than exercise. It has always been the way to help myself feel better in just about every way, the endorphins released when you move your body are the best tool for making ones mood lift, and the joy the children must be having at your riding with them, the endorphins for them as well, the unity it presents to them...so many things.

Trudi, I am sorry that you have met a day like today. I was hoping for a much more peaceful spiritual leaving the bay. My heart is with you as you unpack your touchstones and find your rhythms back in the hills.

[shellyku]

Good Evening all Indigos - WARNING: This could get long!

First of all - thank you all so much for your warm and loving words about Sarah's angelversary.

From my heart, it means so much that you were thinking of her (and me). Dan, what a beautiful

picture you created. That picture was taken at our annual Bocce Tournament. No one ever

accused Sarah of shying away from a camera! Betsy, your picture was beautiful as well. Thank

you.

I have an announcement: Jillian (our younger daughter) found out she was pregnant the day

before Sarah's birthday. I would like to think Sarah had a little to do with that (although we know

the baby-making part was strictly Jill and Matt). I have to wonder if that piece of good news was

intended to make our hearts lighter in the face of Sarah's birthday and angelversary. I believe that.

What do you guys think? Am I being corny?

Carol - I am praying for Davis's recovery. May he catch a glimpse of what his life can be like without

the robber of reality that drugs can be.

Sus - Sore muscles actually sound tempting to me at this time. Dee mentioned something about

endorphines making you feel good...I'm ready!

Trudi - sorry your day was made extra hard by the happenings there. Hope you feel better soon.

Diane - You sound more encouraged about what lies ahead...whatever that is for parents who've

lost a child. But I believe if we keep an open mind and heart, there are little glimpses of light ahead.

Rhonda - I pray your daughter's labor and delivery are swift and painless (can anyone say epidural)

Prayers for the new little one.

Lil406 - May you have a blessed reunion with your daughter. I know I would be nervous too, but I

believe it will be worth the nerves to reunite with her.

rlolheiser and sadlady - thank you for your lovely words to Sarah and me. Hope all is going well for you both.

I'm sure I forgot many others and for that I apologize. Just know that I say a prayer for all Indigos and their

angels each and every day.

One more thing (sorry), I signed up today for a (it's a mouthful) Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workshop.

(wheww) It is one night a week for 8 weeks of stretching type yoga, meditation, learning to be in-the-moment focus

and the like. I know Dee and Diane were speaking of therapy and I have done a little of that, but I thought this

might help with the scatter-brainedness (not a word I know) that I have been experiencing.

I hope you all have a lovely evening, as best you can, and I pray you have sweet dreams of your angels. Shelly

[daveydow1]

Betsy---Yes, I'm entering the state flowers quilt in the county fair.......also pillowcases. Haven't

exhibited for so long, so thought now would be the time. Thanks for the lovely flower pics.

Carol-----I am hoping and praying that Davis will do well in the rehab. It must be so difficult

to take him there, but many times the things we need to do for our kids and their well-being

is to do what feels right, but still difficult. Sending prayers for Davis to succeed, and for your

whole family. So nice that you had a good visit with Kim and the girls.

Rhonda----thanks for the great pic.

SARAH.............SARAH....... SWEET SARAH. SAYING YOUR NAME AND REMEMBERING YOU.

Sus----The bike ride by the river with all the kids must have been so much fun. I bet it was enjoyed by all.

Dee-----Thanks Dee. Yep----it's getting busy around here, and bound to get busier. The fair starts the

end of Aug. so will be taking my quilt and pillowcases there pretty soon. My daughter Becky brought

over ripe tomatoes from her garden......THEN says....."Mom, we're going to Ocean City for a few days,

and the tomatoes won't keep til we get back......I hate to see them go to waste". Soooooo this was

a hint that possibly I could can them for her. Not a large batch.......got 5 qts. and a pint. She will be

helping can apaghetti sauce (for her) in a couple weeks. I have all the canning equipment so she comes

over here to do the canning. KIDS are usually underfoot, but we shoo them outside after giving them

lunch and ice cream.

Colleen-----So nice to go to a Brewer's game. Wonderful pasttime.......baseball. I catch a game on t.v. now & then.

My husband used to be the biggest Cleveland Indians fan all his life, but no longer follows them....says its too

difficult without Dave. They used to go to a lot of the games.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

To all of my Indigo family: thank you all so much for the prayers and comfort you all send with each word. Sometimes that is all that keeps me going... There have been a couple of phone calls from Davis over the day yesterday and then again this morning, a couple of which ended in his hanging up on me when he didn't hear what he wanted to hear. When he called later today, the first thing I told him was that if he hangs up on me again, I will not answer the phone the next time he calls. He has told the counselors there that "this program is not what I need...this is not working for me." He allowed me to speak to the counselor today and that is what she told me he said. "He wants to leave. We can't hold him here." To make a very long story short, I have told him that if he comes home before Tuesday, then he has not kept his end of the agreement and that he cannot stay here, as agreed. Then I told him that I CANNOT come to get him on Saturday because I have already made plans with the boys and I will not change them. (we are going to the Futures at Fenway ballgame, and it is their dad's birthday). After back and forth conversations with his counselor, I finally called her back and asked her to give him this message: "I will come to get you on Sunday morning, IF you have contacted someone to stay with and I have their number to call and verify that that is the case. Otherwise, I will not pick you up until Tuesday morning." (Tuesday being the day after he would have been there for five days.) He called back a few hours later to tell me that he is staying where his friend Blake stays...with a Klonopin addicted woman who Davis has told us many, many times that he cannot stand her, that she makes him sick, and that he "couldn't live there under any circumstances." (Her family pays her rent to keep her out of their hair--she is around 40 or in her 40's and doesn't work---she has 18 cats...need I say more?) So, I know that he knows that I wouldn't want him to stay there, and I believe that his selecting her to stay with was a hoped for manipulation on his part that I would relent, but that is his choice, and I have to let him make these decisions. I have told him that he can't come back here and I need to stick with that. I truly believe that he selected this Kim to stay with because he knows I would not want him to have to live like that. But, I have decided that it is HIS choice....and I need to let it happen. He swears he will start al-anon meetings, and I have told him that his mother and I will go to some of them with him (this was recommended by his therapist), in hopes that this will help him stay off drugs. I do not anticipate this happening (his staying off drugs) because when I talked with him today, all the words he spoke were the same as before, many times, and the desperation to leave there signals to me that his intent is to get some drugs asap. I truly hope and pray that this is not the case and that he will stay off them, but I HAVE to stay true to the agreement. God give me strength.

I have read over the posts and wish I could address each of you...my mind is racing with worry right now and won't let me concentrate enough to remember all that I wanted to say...

Dee: thank you so much for the beautiful prayer. I have printed it out and keep it close to my phone.

Sarah's mom: I don't think, and I don't think anyone here thinks it "corny" that your saying perhaps your daughter's pregnancy was somehow influenced by Sarah...we all have many times in our lives when something will happen that we just "know" somehow had something to do with our angel's influence.

Greg: Mitch Carmody is the person who asked me for permission to enter my writing of my enounter with the "FAITH" license plate...it was published in the "Living with Loss" magazine last spring. He is a terrific person who has helped many who travel this journey with us...and sharing his own sad loss with all of us.

Lil406: I too wish you luck with your reunion with your daughter.

Sherry: I am so glad you are entering your quilt and pillowcases...it is such a feeling of accomplishment. My sister, Dorothy, entered an afghan in a fair a few weeks ago, and won. I think she figures it will be her last, so she was pretty excited.

Trudi: My heart to you, dear friend. I am so sorry, and hope that you are still able to make that one last trip to the Bay.

Diane: It sounds like you are making some progress...and of course, we all know that sometimes two steps ahead are followed by three steps back...we are with you, either way, and sending comfort and strength. I think it was incredibly brave of you to travel to the beach to see your son and his family.

Sus: The bike ride with the kids...you are amazing!

Betsy: Loved the pics of the hummingbirds...I saw my first of the season yesterday, out by our tree out front. He was in and out like a...well, like a hummingbird! I also loved that your cousin spoke of Rich...it is always nice to know that someone else wants to say our angel's name, isn't it... I can see why you were in shock, though...it so seldom happens, but so great when it does.

Colleen: so glad you enjoyed the Brewer's game...and yes, I do have to say (though I am prejudiced of course) that Fenway is the prettiest park in the country!

Rhonda: So glad that CJ is doing well. And it likely your interest in him that has the most profound effect. Westley is so very proud of his momma. I too pray your daughter's labor is swift and as pain-free as possible...

Leah: Thank you for your words. sending love and strength for all you do.

Amy: Thank you also for your kind thoughts. I know that you are excited for Katie, but at the same time, you are sad to be missing her. It does sound like you've got some visiting days planned, though, and that should help. I wish her the best as she begins this next phase of her life.

Kathy: Are you at the beach this week with Tavian?

I am trying to focus on looking forward to the day tomorrow...Cathi and I will take Mike's boys and her son, Jamie, to the ballgame, and it promises to be beautiful, weather-wise. We have super-good seats, right down front, near home plate, so they are super excited about it. It is a game between the Red Sox "farm teams" so the tickets are MUCH cheaper...but it is always a fun game, and fun to see the kids having such a good time. I will have to bring out my "storage box" again and put into it all of my angst and worry and tears for the day. I will deal with the "other" stuff I need to deal with on Sunday. Next Saturday is Mike's birthday game...a week later than his b'day, but when he asked that we bring the boys to a Red Sox game on his birthday, he said "I know it will not always be possible to do it right on my birthday, but as close to the day as you can get" and this is as close as we can get. Mike's friend, Denis, will also be with us on that day.

I know there are some I've forgotten to say hello to, and I apologize...I can't go back to see who else posted, as I am too far into this page and cannot go back or I will lose my post. l send my love and good thoughts to each of you.

[lolynbo]

Well we've been in Nola walkn rd. Eating alot. Kodys seeing things he's not sure of on bourbon st. Lol. We get on the bout about 12-1 Sail at 4 Chat w yal when I can

[ericasmom]

Lorri, have fun, give Kody a big hug from me. Love that lil-boy/man.

Carol, you are a brave and wondrous woman, I am in awe of the strength and conviction you own. YOu may not feel as though you are strong, but believe me, you are and have been for a long time. I am glad that you draw a line for Davis to see and I wish you so much when you go to pick him up. I suspect that everything you predict is going to be so. Until then, have a wonderful time at the game with the boys and Cathi. You are finding ways to balance both the wishes and dreams of your other Grandkids as well as support the one who is in so much turmoil. If I could send you more than my prayers and hope I surely would. Peace Sweets.

Shelly, Oh I think going to a class that involves finding and being in the moment sounds great, using yoga and other strength and endurance promoting skills will probably feel just great, and the thing about doing yoga...you will have to find ways to concentrate on learning the moves which keeps you in the moment and causes you to focus on the postures and the concentration involved and so you find ways to change your thinking. Exciting news about your Daughter adn I of course think that the timing is just perfect. I do believe our Angels have their hands in some of our steps through grief, so blessings to you all.

[Guest msnher]

Sherry, I hope you know the answer to this question...several years ago my friend gave me what she called "powdered alm". It's what is used to pickle cucumbers with (so she told me). She gave it to me to use on cancor (sp?) sores in my mouth. It works like a charm! Tastes pretty bad, though. I have finally used up what she gave me and Mariah has a cancor. I bought canning salt, it said on the box it was for canning pickles, but it is not the same stuff that my friend gave me. Do you know what it is I need to buy? It's powerdery, not grainy. Tastes bad. Works good. If you know the name of it will you also tell me where I might find it...a regular grocery store? Thanks in advance!

Carol - Addicts and alcoholics are master manipulators. We're also very bright, gifted people. We are immature, undisciplined, selfish and self centered. We're also great survivors. We are also quite loveable and charming. Rarely do we ever take responsibility for our lot in life. It is usually your fault (generic "you"). There are those rare occasions when we feel truly guilty for our actions. The drug or the drink is great for blotting out guilt and/or remorse. There are several quotes and sayings that goes around the rooms of recovery...two of my favorites are..."The addict/alcoholic is the only person in the world who feels superior to the people looking down at him as he lays in the gutter." and "The addict/alcohlic feel like they're a piece of **** in which the world revolves around." I promise you it is much worse for the people who love the addict/alcoholic than it is for the addict/alcoholic themselves....while they're in the cups of their addiction. I know to not get in the way of the addict and their addiction. Yet, when it comes to MY kids all bets are off. I do everything I know not to do. I've stalked them, raided their parties, called the police on them, made them take pee tests, kicked them out (and then felt so guilty I went and found them and brought them home) I've paid their bills (Lord, how I paid their bills). I threatened, pleaded, blackmailed and bribed. I actually felt hatred towards Stephanie because of what she was doing to her children through her addiction. Then felt extreme guilt for feeling the hate. My point is, my friend, whatever action you take with Davis many of us here get it. Please continue to talk to us. Sort it out with us. It is a crazy, crazy life - life with an active drug user or wet drunk. You'll need us. Damn it! I wish I could just shake some sense into that boy! But, no one could shake any into me. It took what it took. Lots of love and prayers!

Love to you all!