Loss of an Adult Child

[westleysmom]

STEPHANIE STEPHANIE STEPHANIE Rest easy and know that your babies are well loved and cared for, even as they miss you every day.

Susannah-Holding you close as we remember your beautiful girl. I hope you feel peace beyond understanding today and always.

[shorty16]

To my Indigos

I too have been listening to the news and the sceneless tradegies of the world. The people killed in Ohio (I think) just because they were there. Norway is still buring their dead. And the violence in London.

But Sus is right. I, for one, do belive in God and the Lord Jesus Christ. I will pray to him and do my part to make this world a better place. My part is to help those parents that are new to this journey to realize that their is life after lossing a child.

Brian has been weighing heavy on my heart lately. Several of his friends are getting married and having children. My Brian never got the chance. However, I do know that Brian is happy. I have heard that from several who have dreamt of him after the crash. I also know he is with some wonderful people in heaven - My Mother, for one.

Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs I have even had. Doing what we think is right is not always popular with our kids. Especially now with Aaron without his liscence. I need to keep the golden ring in sight. Aaron will be 18 on 11-17-2011. That is 3 months without his lisence. I just feel horrible we took his lisence away, but we do know it was the right thing to do.

I am just having a hard day. One of those days I just want to lay in bed and watch sad movies and cry. But I have to work and should be glad I have ajob.

Colleen

[andy88]

Happy heavenly birthday Sarah!!

[andy88]

Happy Angel Day Stephanie!!!!

[rlolheiser]

susannah, You are in my heart today as everyday as you go through this angelversary. I understand the rollercoaster of life we are left with and I read and share your feelings and your actions with awe. Stephanie is so very proud of you and Gary and her children that she entrusted to you. May you feel her closeness today, and know she is within you and the children and takes each step with you

[ericasmom]

Col, the reasons the people in Ohio are gone is why I want gun laws, guns do kill when people have easy access. A little 6 year old was sleeping on her Grandmoms couch two nights ago in a gang ridden neighborhood in Chicago, a shot through the window and the girl, an innocent little girl, gone. GUNS are the easiest and fastest way to kill many.

I too get down and very sad and negative with the news, but I have to think that the news is out there so that perhaps we do something about it. United in the hopes for a better economy, a safer environment, a greener environment, a peaceful world which means a well-fed world, and justice damn-it, justice. Today is a new day, ti holds sweet and painful memories for many and maybe because of th enews, some of us will take up a new rally to raise awareness or money or some wonderful entity to help out the people in most need.

[shellyku]

Hello Indigos - I wish I knew how to make beautiful pictures, colored text, and the like

but I am quite computer-challenged so it's plain black and white for me. One of my

missions is to learn how to better use this machine for making pretty.

STEPHANIE - Fill your mom with the joy that you feel in Heaven, Brighten her day with

the light that you are, Give her the peace that surrounds you every millisecond! Brush

by her and give her butterfly kisses on the very cheeks you kissed while you were here!

My heart is with you today, Susannah...holding you close.

Thank you all for the beautiful thoughts and messages for Sarah's birthday. It means

so much to me that you are thinking of her. We miss her so much, but you all know

how that feels. I just thank God that He gave her to us to love and cherish for 29 years...

certainly not enough time for me, but the years we did have with her were so precious.

I love you Sarah Linn...you are my heart.

Have a blessed day everyone! With love and prayers, Shelly

[ericasmom]

Shelly, above this area that I am writing are three rectangular boxes, one says other styles with a pull down, the next says ARIAL also with a pull down, and the last has a number in the box. That indicates the size of font you may like to use. Next to that is a small blue and yellow pen or brush, click on that after you highlight your words, and choose a color.

I only use the font selector and the size and the color. Hope this helps. If you wnat to do anything that makes your words look different, you first must highlight the words.

This is a Eurasion Eagle Owl, but it is a species of owl really not eagle. Look at it in slow motion as it lands. Awe inspiring.

http://www.huffingto...o_n_921033.html

[lolynbo]

HEAVENLY ANGEL DAY STEPHANIE STEPHANIE STEPHANIE.....

NEXT WEEK IS OUR CRUISE IM STIL VERY TENDER AND CAN NOW SWIM ...IN MY POOL NOT LAKE ETC....

STILL 110 HERE NO RAIN AT ALL ITS SO HORRIBLE...IM MELTING FOR SURE

GOING TO CEMETERY TO WATER TONIGHT THE GROUND IS CRACKING OUT THERE AND I CANT STAND IT...

HOPE ALL IS WELL ...HUGGS AND ANGEL KISSES FOR ALL

[daveydow1]

Betty------The grilled peaches sound delicious. I have not tried them, but will do so very soon.

Shelly---Thank you for the poems......'lend to you a child'....and 'Death is nothing at all'. I, too,

like to think that our beloved deceased children are not so far away from us......just in another

realm where we here on earth cannot go to, but they can come to us in dreams, and other signs.

Bonnie---It is so nice that the young girl will sing at Pinnacle Days.

STEPHANIE.-------STEPHANIE-----STEPHANIE-----REMEMBERING YOU ON YOUR ANGEL DAY.

Jenn----I think it is entirely right for you to keep Brianna's clothes near to you. These things that

belonged to our dear kids are just so precious to us......to hold onto them,.....and who cares what

other people think ? If they have not lost a child, they are not walking this road we are on.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN,..............SWEET SARAH.

Carol----Thinking of you and sending prayers, friend

Must go for now..............grandies age 4 & 6 coming soon for a 2-night stay.......I'll be BUSY.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[aim630]

Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie

Thinking of you and your family today, Susannah.

[aim630]

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Sarah!

Shelly, remember your sweet girl and know that she is smiling and proud of you today. She is partying with the rest of our angels!

[ericasmom]

Goodnight All, a long day and up since 4:00 AM so I am off to bed hopefully for a nice deep sleep. I have much to do in my classroom tomorrow, setting up adn all.

Today while I was tutoring, my phone indicated a message coming in. There on my tiny little screen was a new Child, Ashton Erica born today to Megan, a young lady who grew up alongside Jon and Eri. She is two years older than Jon and when I had a daycare in my home many years ago, she was one of my kids. Meg is a Momma of a little Girl, Ashton Erica. Blessings little Beauty.

Deep sleep and good dreams Everyone,

dee

[Guest msnher]

Thank you Everyone. Today was a good day. We lived well. We laughed and played and cleaned the house. After the kids finished their chores I sent them outside so I could clean the floors. I stopped at the back door, out of sight, to witness the following exchange.

Mariah was sitting at the patio table scolding Jasmine. Her voice was raised, but she wasn't yelling. She was firm and stern. Jasmine stood looking at full attention, looking at her sister. Jonathon stood beside Mariah stifling his cries.

Mariah: "That was not funny Jasmine! That was just mean. How would like it if someone made fun of you for something like that? You are just being selfish! You apologize to him right now or I'm telling Grandma!"

Jasmine, looking properly chastised: "Jonathon, I'm so sorry. I won't ever do that again."

Jonathon: "I accept your apology."

I waited about five minutes before going outside and asking how they were all doing. "We're fine." They all said, playing happily together. I still have no idea what their mishap was all about. I am as proud as can be of those three people! They continue to amaze me. They truly are my hero's. Well, they were. This evening Jonathon had to sit in time out because he took out some of the back "thingys" from the new lawn chairs that I just bought. At least he was honest in admitting he did it and he didn't know why he just wanted to.

Oh...another funny from 3 yr old Kaylee from last week. She was comparing tongues. Mine has "cracks" or wide, long gaps in it. Because my tongue looks different than hers she asked if I had cracks in my tongue. She was very concerned as she gently ran her fingers across the winkles on my face..."Do you have cracks on your face, too?" LOL

Sleep well my friends!

Much love, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[raren30]

Hi my fellow indigos.

My trip to the island was ok. I was really down for the 5 days I was there. My birthday was the hardest I felt so empty and alone even though I had all my family around me. I spent some time on the beach and it was so nice and relaxing but to much thinking is hard right now. If I'm around family and friends I dont feel as down as when I'm all by myself. Tomorrow will be 1 month since my little angel passed away. I miss her so much and think about her everyday. Today was my first day back to work in two months, I had an ok day until about 2 hours into my shift, and thats when my baby blues kicked in. but i was able to hold back the tears and continue my day.

When I went to the island i went to a bead shop and made my self a bracelet with emilias name on it and some charms i may be ready to finally take off my hospital bracelet. I'll post pic later.

But should go and put kidlett to bed, I hope everyone can feel there little angels around them tonight.

Good night my beautiful Emilia I miss you and love you so much xoxoxoxoxoxo

[mikesmomrs]

STEPHANIE, STEPHANIE, STEPHANIE...

Remembering you, remembering your smile, remembering your joys...remembering YOU...

Susannah: so sorry I did not sign on today to post this earlier. Have thought about you many times today, between all of my hours. sending love and holding you close.

[mikesmomrs]

SARAH...SARAH...SARAH, We know that you had a wonderful celebration with our angels for your birthday and I pray that you surrounded your mother with your sweet spirit.

Shelly: Knowing that you are celebrating the birthday of a child who no longer is present on this earth is a challenge at any time, but that very first time is so very difficult...we shrae your sorrow, and we share your joy...the joy that lives on in your heart for those wonderful years that you had with your sweet Sarah.

[mikesmomrs]

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers...they mean a lot to us and we do find strength in them. Knowing that people are thinking about you and hoping all is well can sometimes help ease the anxiety that accompanies difficult times. We are in the midst of still trying to make some decisions about which path to take, and meantime, Kim and her girls are flying in tomorrow (this morning, actually) morning at 10 am. We are so excited to see them, and hope so that we are able to have a good visit, despite all that we are dealing with.

I don't want you all to think that this is a "great mystery" that we are involved in...it's just that there have been so many things going on on the board that I truly did not want to add another. I know that if this were someone else saying this, I would jump right on and say "please, say what you want, bring your pain and sorrow here, that is what we are here for," but it is always much easier to tell someone else that than to actually do that yourself. So, I am now going to take my own advice and bring my pain and sorrow here and let you know what is going on that has our family in such distress. We have a grandson who is having some very difficult choices to make and we are trying to guide him, and yet not enable him, comfort and support him, and yet not allow him to "ride" on that and continue on the self-destructive path he has chosen. We are in the middle of trying to come up with a plan, and the choices will be given to him...I pray that he makes the right decisons, but I know that I can no longer be the landing spot for him when he does not follow through on his promises. Davis has lived with us since he was born, except for a couple of years when he moved in with his mom. (His mom was here with us also, until Davis was 11.) So, he is truly like a son more so than a grandson. At 26 now, he has made some poor decisions in the past, and tried to overcome them by making the right decision, but unfortunately, as we all know, sometimes when we travel the wrong path, it is truly difficult and sometimes we think it is impossible to steer ourselves onto the right path again. For this reason, we have been trying to help him and guide him to making healthier decisions, but this does not seem to be happening. Davis has a drug problem and we are seeking professional help to help us with our own decision making process. The stance we must take now is that he MUST do this, or he can no longer live here. My heart breaks all over again as I write those words. I don't know if I will have the strength to stick to that. But, the alternative is to continue on the path that we've been on and I don't think I can do that any longer. I know that I need to "let go" and stay true to our words, but it is so, so difficult when you see someone in so much pain.

So, I again thank you all for your prayers and your thoughts and concern. I will keep you posted as to how things are going. We meet with his therapist tomorrow to try to come up with a plan to offer to him. He knows that we are meeting with her, in fact he has asked us to, but I am afraid that he is thinking that this will encourage us to change our stance and give him that "one more chance" that has been given over and over in the past, and then chucked aside by him when it comes to the fulfillment of his commitment to himself. So, we shall see.

Meantime, I am going to use my little "box system" that I keep stored in my head, and store this away to allow for our visit with Kim and the girls to be a fun time for them. I will pull the box with Davis's problem out again only when I need to, like the meeting tomorrow, but I will try very hard to not allow this to interfere with the girls having a good time while they are here. Kim and the girls (Bekah, 14, and Rachel 10) have a very difficult life as they have had to give up a LOT in the past few years...the girls' dad went off the deep end 3-4 years ago, and went on a religious rant and tried to kill Kim and the girls, very nearly killed their babysitter, and attacked the babysitter's father and brother as well, and is now in prison for life. This after completing a 20 year career in the Navy and making it to the highest non-commissioned officer rank possible before retiring. Of course, the girls' lifestyle changed drastically, and so when they are here or we are there visiting them, we try to make their time a "golden" time for them to hold in their hearts. I pray we will be able to accomplish that this time, as well.

Thinking of all of you, holding you close in my prayers and thoughts...always.

[mikesmum]

Carol - I once thought naively that if you lived your life by the rules, treated others as you would have them treat you, ate my vegies all would be okay in the world. It really isn't that simple. You have been, from what I can tell a nuturer/carer all your life. A faith that has given you strength has allowed you to open your heart your home to those in need. You wrap your family in a blanket of care, compassion, love and dedication. Now its time for you to take that care and turn it to yourself.

Hearing Kim's story chills me to the core. There are many who for whatever reason snap. I thank the heavens that she and her children are now safe. So sad that this entered their lives, so glad that you and Ralph have shown them there is a better life ahead.

I hope that the therapist listens to you at your meeting. Davis needs the stability and energy to help him work through his addiction and of course see for him, a better future.

Holding you in my thoughts and prayers as always....Trudi.

[shorty16]

Carol - Thinking of you and Ralph as you enjoy your visit with Kim and her kids. You are right, put the issues you have in a box and enjoy your time. Every moment is a potential memory and how that memory goes is up to us!!!

Indigos

Just a hello from Wisconsin. WOW is the weather beautiful here now. High 70's and finally some relief from the humidity. Breezy, sunny, just beautiful.

My red sunflowers are blooming and my husband has taken pictures of them and the other flowers around our home. Scott has always had an eye for the camera shot and he is doing an excellent job capturing the natural beauty that is Wisconsin.

I am having a better day today. I will do what Carol said and put my issues in a box and just enjoy the day for what it is. I sure do miss my Brian just like the rest of you miss your angels. I miss the future with him that will never be. I just miss him.

SUS - What a great exchange between the 3 kids. How wonderful for you to watch the values at work that you and hubby have taught them. They are lucky to have you.

Love to all my fellow indigos. We will survive this loss until we can be with them again.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever (AKA Brain)

[ericasmom]

Carol, I am standing next to you with my arms around you and giving you a huge hug. I pray for good things to happen, for Davis to turn his life around but this now has to be what he directs. I am very proud of you to seek ways to stand strong in the face of so much that can knock us over. I pray for his finding the strength within to turn this thing around. I pray for your hearts. And I hope too, that Kim and the girls have a fabulous vacation with you guys and that the 'box' can be set aside for a while. You are the giver, as Trud said, always available to your family, the blanket to wrap around them all, but sometimes you have to give wings to some of the issues. You are deep in my thoughts.

[Guest msnher]

Carol - Thank you for sharing yourself. I love you, my friend. And, I love your nurturing heart. Powerlessness sucks. I wish I could package step one and give it away. Nothing can be accomplished until the addict/alcoholic reaches step one. Unfortunately, the people who love the addict/alcoholic often reach step one (for them) long before they have themselves. The path to step one for the addict/alcoholic is not a pretty sight. It would be wonderful if we could get clean and sober off of the love of those we trample on before we get to step one, if that were possible there would be no need for rehabs or 12 step programs. Many don't make it to the doors of recovery...but many do. Our recovery numbers are in the millions worldwide. And, the thing with Kim....Bless you for sharing their story with us! I hope your time with them is magical.

I also hope your shoulders feel a little lighter from sharing your worries with us. Mine don't feel heavier. Friendship divides your sorrow and doubles your joy. You are a gift in my life, Carol. Hug yourself for me and give Ralph a kiss on the cheek and "yahooooo" for me. Love you both!

[westleysmom]

Carol-Sending you wishes for strength and hoping that your visit with the girls gives you all many happy memories. You are all in my thoughts.

Amy-I was so glad to see Ashley's pretty face and see that you are still around. I hope you are doing okay.

Yesterday was a sad day. There were two deaths in my little corner of the world. One was a 33 year old schoolteacher, mother of two boys, from cancer. It had been expected, but as you all know, that doesn't soften the blow of death. The other a 30 year old father of two girls, who was found in the living room yesterday morning, death for reasons unknown at this time. Just out of the clear blue sky, gone. His mother is a few years older than me. She has had a rough year, her brother was cutting wood back in the spring, and just collapsed and died there in the woods. Her first husband (the father of her children) died several years ago from cancer. It is a wonder we are not all insane, there is so much loss and sadness in the world. So prayers for the families of these two, who have left grandparents, parents, partners and children reeling from the loss. Marissa and Matt rest in peace.

[andy88]

Hello Friends,

Just checking in to say hi. Last night I took a car full of Andy's friends to a Ke$ha concert. No, I didn't stay for the concert, it was a mob scene haha. Then I picked them all up and took them home. They were all covered in glitter (apparently she is big on glitter). My car will sparkle for months It made me really happy to spend that time with them and I could go to bed knowing they all got safely home. Maybe those beautiful kids are my new purpose in life. I love them like my own, and they continue to call, text, and visit me. Bless their hearts! I'm really proud of my son's taste in friends.

I continue to have ups and downs, but the ups seem to last a little longer lately. I did have a major meltdown last week. I hate those, but I just let them happen because I think they are healing. I'll be so glad when I don't have major downs any more. God, this is a long road.

Carol sending you a giant hug.

Thinking of you all every day and thank you for being there!!!!

With love,

Pam

[rlolheiser]

Carol, I hope everything goes well.. I know to well what you are going through.. my youngest and my oldest.. somedays I am petrified at what they do, and wonder how they got to this point. It isn't that they are bad, they just aren't self strong. I wish they would have developed some of my good points, but it is their road to travel, and mine is to watch.. God I hate watching.. I want to make the decisions.. but I have learned and still learning... it isn't mine to make... prayers for the best outcomes for your family my dear friend.

Pam, concert sounds fun.. glad you could be there for them.

Thinking of you all and wishing you all a better day than yesterday, and even better one tomorrow.... guess I wish that for the world.

[sarah58]

hi everyone hope im in the write place now first im so sorry for all your losses i lost my son almost 8 weeks ago and have never felt pain like this in my life i spend every day thinking about him and feel so ill we have not found out why he died he just went to bed and didnt wake up he was a good son with a heart of gold i miss him so much dont feel i will ever get through this love sarah xxxx

[Guest msnher]

Sarah - I am so sorry for the loss of your son! Eight weeks is so very early. You are still so raw from your loss. When you are ready and if you want to, please tell us all about your son. My 28 yr old daughter, Stephanie, was killed in an ATV accident two years ago yesterday. She left behind three young children whom my husband and I have legally adopted and are raising. This site, formally known as Beyond Indigo (BI) literally saved my life (a few times actually). You will find compassion and understanding from people who, unfortunately, know.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[kmb22]

Edit

[mysonrich]

Sarah, I am so sorry for your loss. What is your boy's name? My name is Betsy and my son, Rich, at 20 years young also died in his sleep. I can't say that I know exactly what you are feeling, God knows I don't ,but I know, we all know of the grief that you feel and the shock that is still present. This group at Beyond Indigo, BI, is a safe haven for us all. There are many people here who will guide, cry along with you and without judgmental, listen and share. Please share more when you are ready.

[shellyku]

Good Evening Indigos - Dee, now I see what you were referring to in the

drop-down menus...very cool! Carol - I pray that you are able to make the

decision necessary to best help Davis. Prayers for a lovely visit with Kim and

the girls. Thank you for your kind words about my Sarah's birthday. Thank you

everyone who wished her a happy heavenly birthday...it means so much.

Susannah - the conversation you overheard is priceless! Amy - your Ashley

is a beautiful girl! JaBoa's grandmom (sorry, still trying to get names straight) -

I pray things are going ok for you. Westley's mom - same prayer for you.

Emelia's Mom - the bracelet you described sounds really pretty. Time for

me to turn in but I have a few pretty awesome signs I believe are from

Sarah that I'd like to tell you all about and see what you think. Will check

in tomorrow and tell you all about them. I know I forgot a lot of you in this

post, but please know I pray for all Indigos every day. Have a good night's

sleep and dream of your sweet babies! Shelly

[Guest msnher]

Dearest Karen, Knowing Shawn's angelversary is coming up, you have been in my thoughts constantly. Just tonight I wondered if I should call, but want to allow you your space. Lord knows we need that freedom of space. I wish I could make it better for you, but we all know none of us can do that. I couldn't even make it better for myself. Just know my love goes with you as you travel to N.C. and down the coast.

[ericasmom]

Sarah, so sorry for your loss, we are here for you everyday as we are for each other. Please let us know your story, tell us whatever it is you are able to share and don't worry, we don't run when you tell your story. We are here because we know how telling our stories helped us to find the light in our lives again, helped us learn to live our best lives. It takes time, a lot of time so try to be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself too. Don't worry about knowing who is who for now, just talk you will come to know us each as you go along.

I am going to bed, very tired, but love to all and Leah, good to see you, and I hope that the day found you smiling. Karen it has been a while, I wish you were feeling better but I sure get it, and I sure remember it facing that year ONE mark, very hard. You need to be kind to yourself too.

Shelly, glad that you found the little pull-down selector. I will look forward to hearing about the signs you received, I am so glad that you felt Sarah's presence.

[shorty16]

Sarah - As Dee and Sus said, 8 weeks is such a short period of time on this grief journey. Be kind to yourself. Your heart, mind and soul have gone through tremendous tragedy. My 16 year old son Brian died car-surfing (what the heck is that?) He was riding on the hood of a car and his friend drove 68 mph and lost control and took out 3 trees. Brian hit the ground and died within minutes. His friend is now a convicted felon. I am living a nightmare, but my friends on this site have saved me on more than 1 occation. You will find unserstanding and compassion here from other parents in the same situation you are - the loss of our beloved child.

Shawn's Mom - At the one year point, we have just went through on cycle without our child. Feeling through the darkness and trying to breath. NC is a beautiful place, I hope you enjoy your trip. My family has just started our 4th year without Brian and life still seems to be a whirl-wind of emotion. I find I do not cry as much as I used to, but the missing just does not stop. We can make it through this new life together. Supporting and holding each other as the days pass. Consider yourself hugged.

Too all my friends - I think I need a happy pill, I am just in a funk lately. At work, we are preparing for a very large audit. Certification to AS9100 Rev C - a customer requirement for the aerospace industry. Even though much of the work has already been done, review and clean-up are my middle name until after Sept 22.

I just miss my Brian so much. I miss everything about him. I am so sad his car is gone, he really made that car his own. Aaron has settled down, but we are still dealing with the tickets involved with his issues. Spent two hours in court yesterday dealing with an underage drinking ticket he got in the beginning of July. I did not post that before, because I myself feel like a failure that my kids thinks drinking and walking around the streets at 3am is OK. Aaron seems to think he is the only one suffering because of Brian's death. Was I this selfish when I was a kid? In the beginning of september we get to deal with 2 more tickets because of the crash. I am just sick. He has not hung out with those friends since (if you can call them friends). Aaron will be 18 soon and I am scared to think what freedoms he thinks he has when still living at our home. When AJ realizes that because he is 18 nothing has changed, he is not going to like me very much. But I must hang in there and stay the road. Please pray for us.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever. Just missing you

[sarah58]

thank you for all your replys i know you are all suffering this pain and am greatful to you all i my son had lost some weight and got the all clear 2 weeks before he died but i must tell you this my son took a blood clot when he was 28 and he went into a depression doctor put him on 100 mg of vallium a day and an opiete painkiller he got addicited to these 2 year ago he came to live with me to go cold turkey on them it was horific but he was determined he was going to do it and he did but sometimes his mind would be mixed up the last few months he seemed to be getting so much better and was ready to get on with his life he got no help to come of these pills as he was not classed as a junkie because he wanst on heroin as i said he lost some weight and his results all came back clear he had to stay on the warfarin because he had reacurrant blood clots but he seemed fine i spoke to him a week before he died he had had a panick attack and sat and talked him through it next night he called and he was fine he lived in scotland and we live in england i got a call from his wife saying he had died she said james and his daughter were in a nighbours house dancing to the wi music the night before and when he came home he was still happy but tired she said to him to go try and get a sleep that was the last she spoke to him he died in his sleep cant understand this as he seemed to be so much better thanks for listining love sarah xxxx

[ericasmom]

Oh what pain Sarah, I am so sorry, you saw him improving, gaining his health back and he passed. IT sounds like your Son was a fighter, he fought to get clean and healthy and he showed all that love him that with their support he could do it. YOu were a great support to him and he found his happiness again it sounds like. Holding you as you find your way in the murk of grief. Just keep coming here and posting, it is amazing how it clears a path in your brain when you do. I know it is not enough, but your Boy is not far, he is loving you from his new place just out of our vision and touch. Always your Boy.

[westleysmom]

Karen-I'm so sorry for the pain that you are in and I wish I could take it away. You seem to be on the same schedule that I am, at least for year one. After the shock wore off, I felt like for a while that I was going to just give up. Then the anniversary was coming. It hit me that like in the Wizard of Oz, he was wasn't only merely dead, he was really most sincerely dead. As my granddaughter told me "He's nebber coming back. Not ebber." The reality of his death was one thing, the finality of it something else entirely to be swallowed a little at the time, because if you try to choke it down all at once, the bitterness and sheer size of the fact seems like it will cut off your air supply and you can't get your breath, or even want to try to breathe again. But we must, and we can, with a little help from our friends. Its not easy and its not fun and its not fair, but it IS. Those memories of how you found out are so painful but like you sometimes I can't help but replay them in my mind, thinking "What should I have done differently to make it all turn out fine?" I have to try to let it go although I don't do so good most of the time, I'm still working on it. I hope that your van is trustworthy and that your trip helps you to sort out what you're feeling and find the strength and will to go on.

Sarah-I'm so glad you made it. Everyone here understands the shock and disbelief of losing a piece of their heart.

Colleen-Westley got in trouble with the law in 2008 and was on probation for a year. Underage drinking, Public Intox, simple possession, contributing to the delinquency (most of his friends were younger and he was over 18 at the time.), possession of a deadly weapon (a hunting knife in his truck) another charge that escapes me now. We got that call on Sunday morning. I had talked to him the night before we had gone to Nashville to eat with my brother-in-law and his family. He told me he would be staying with the friends and so I wasn't looking for him that night. But at 5:30 in the morning, he called me from the jail. We had to bail him out and of course it was in the paper, and we were mortified. I just knew that everyone thought we hadn't "raised him right" and blamed us for him getting in trouble. We had several court dates and he had to go to probation once a month and get drug tested and the whole nine yards. Not long before his death, I had gone to the courthouse to pay a fee to get his record expunged, since it was his first and only arrest. I didn't want him to have to deal with that forever when he was trying to get jobs and stuff. I don't think you're a failure, but I feel like one. Make sense? My doctor told me that the human capacity for self-blame is unlimited, and I guess he's right. You are a great mom and I will be thinking of you as you try to herd AJ on the road to adulthood. HUGS

[shorty16]

Thanks Rhonda - In my head, I know that Scott and I are good parents, but my heart just aches with these continued bad decisions Aaron is making. I honestly think that AJ thinks he is the only one suffering because of Brian's death. We have to be in court again on Sept 2. Aaron got a possession charge for having a "pot grinder" in the car when the accident happened. But it had no pot in it. Both Scott and I are going together to try to dismiss that charge. The other charge for inatentive driving we will plead no contest and AJ will pay the fine. I also payed the $240 underage drinking charge and AJ and I are going to the bank and he is paying me back. Even though I feel terrible having him give me half of his life savings, he has to learn that these are real concequences. By us bailing him out and paying his fines he does not learn. We are really trying to watch who AJ hangs out with. We are also going through his text messages on his phone to learn more about his friends. Some may think this is snooping, but I need to do all I can to keep AJ alive. If anything were to happen I need to know I did all I could to save my son. Thanks again Rhonda.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Col, I so agree with Rhonda, you are good parents and Aaron while going through grief, may have done these same things even without the sadness in his life, after all, most of us have had kids in trouble and most of us had this long before they lost a sibling or parent. I was called one eve for my Son being at an under-age drinking party where no parents were home. I had to come get him at Midnight, he was supposed to be at his Dad's that eve, longer curfew than what I gave. There were more, he was thrown in jail for skateboarding where he was not supposed to skateboard downtown chicago on properties that carried a fine for skateboarding, he narrowly escaped arrest as a teen for tagging (spray painting freight cars)...but ERi, she was the one we had the most calls on. She was rushed to the hospital at age 16 for drinking herself unconcious, (nice going Erz) and Jon had to call me as he was freaking out finding her on the floor at this party where nobody could wake her, everyone thinking she died so they called her big bro. He was screaming in the phone, "I think she is dead" and then I heard the sirens in the background getting closer, the sirens coming for my daughter. I thought I could never be more afraid. I was wrong. That same year, Eri was at an older boy's apt. and I ofcourse did not know, it was Halloween and she and two friends were wishing they had a party to go to and the older boys they knew from high school said that they could come over, well Eri adn Melissa were in the bathroom with music blasting and heard a sound but was not sure of it, the boy that they were with that was their ages screamed and told them to leave the bathroom immedeiately but don't look at the wall, well ofcourse they did look and Chris, the older boy whose apartment it was, was dead, a gunshot to the head, they played russian roulette.Eri and Meliss and Ian did not know the boy that brought the gun nor did they know until it happened that there was a gun.Eri saw the boy just obliterated and they ran, the three of them ran screaming from the apartment, scared that the boy who brought the gun might kill them. The police caught up with them three blocks away, took them in and all three were in shock and what horror that Eri and Meliss and Ian had for the rest of their lives, not to mention the parents of Chris, and his siblings.

Okay I kept on and have to go, but see Col, teens are teens, they just can't think all the way through. It is believed that a child's brain, the reasoning parts especially are not fully developed until age 21 or 22. Our kids are faced with so much in this current world, it is hard to decipher, hard to know, and they simply do not have the capacity to think it all through.

I think you are an awesome Mom.

[shorty16]

Dee, Rhonda

I cannot tell you enough how much this means to me. Sometimes we are so blinded that we think we are the only ones going through this stuff. I continue to tell Aaron "I am just so glad you are OK." "We both know what could have happened and what we could be doing now." He said "I know."

Even though I am bummed about the car, that is the least of my worries. I really do think Aaron learned his lesson. Several days after the accident, he would not even get into a car. He walked to and from work. I am just so glad he is OK.

I know Brian did this stuff, but Brian did not get caught. Brian had a zillion friends who covered up for him.

I just love my son and cannot go through what I did during Brian's death and am still going through.

Thank you my friends. Sometimes I am really hard on myself and internalize this stuff. I also need to remember that my friends on BI will not judge me for my son's actions. We just do not do that here. Sometimes I forget that.

Thanks Dee and Rhonda

Colleen

[westleysmom]

Colleen-I hesitate to bring up the bad times with Westley because I'm afraid somebody will say "Wow, no wonder you feel guilty. You really are the worst Mom ever." I hope that's not true, but I always wonder, even if they don't say it, if they're thinking it. And I guess I made it sound like its all about me and how his getting in trouble made me feel, but that's not the way it was. I wanted him to live a life he could be proud of, and while some things can be "lived down" (if you live long enough), others are hard for some people to get past. And that's part of what hurt so bad to lose him when we did. I think he was beginning to get it, the light had almost come on for him. And then the light went out for him, and so for me and his father. So you just keep after that AJ, snoop, ground, whatever it takes to keep him going long enough to see the light at the end of the tunnel that is the growing up years in the US of A in 2011.

[kmb22]

Edit

[lolynbo]

MET A LADY ON FB...HER ALMOST 4 YR OLD DAUGHTER WAS SHOT IN THE HEAD BY HER HUBBY THE LIL GIRLS DAD...MAY 2011...SO SAD....SUCH A BEAUTIFUL LIL ANGEL....I TOLD HER OF BI SO I HOPE SHE JOINS...

WE FINALLY GOT RAIN THANK YOU GOD.....78' HERE INSTEAD OF 112'

WE LEAVE THIS TIME NEXT WEEK FOR NEW ORLEANS FOR FEW DAYS THEN WE GET ON THE CRUISE SHIP SAT 20TH....SO READY TO GO...BUT THEN WHEN U GET HOME REALITY HITS U...

PRAYING YOU ALL HAVE A BLESSED DAY

[Brendan's Daddy]

Hello everybody. Today is just one of those days. I just need to write something because I don't know who else to talk to or where to go. I had a few decent days on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I was off work and spend some quality time with my little boy Jackson. It is amazing how quickly things can change and how things can just send you right back down that spiral. I don't know why my father in law chose to tell me this information today, but it was far too much for me to handle. I have always known that Brendan was hurt badly in his accident. I knew that he had died from internal injuries and I knew that a main artery that runs blood to his heart was severed in the accident which was the main cause of death. Today I found out that the autopsy report says that my little boy was crushed on the inside. It said he was crushed from his throat to his pelvis. I had no idea that his laranex was crushed, but apparently it was. How was he able to breathe for a while after the accident. It appears as though Brendan was going to die from his injuries no matter what happened after the accident. Even if we would have gotten him to the hospital in 5 seconds it would not have mattered. My little boy was going to die. It was so hard to hear my father in law say the word autopsy. It was even harder to hear him tell me that my little boy was crushed to death. How much pain was my son in before he died? Did he know he was dying? Was he scared? I hate this so much. I hate these questions. I hate knowing that my son was in pain. He was only 7 years old. How could God make him go through something like this? I pray every night that he was not in pain. All he said to his mom was that his tummy hurt. I pray that he was in shock and had no idea what was happening. I hope he was not scared.

Daddy loves you so much Brendan Anthony Dobson. I am so sorry Brendan.

[mikesmum]

Its said that every generation has their own 'rebellion'. I remember wanting to be a better parent than I saw mine as being. I never would use the phrase 'in my day', but I did.

Mike was my 'easy child'. He worked hard to make good grades, did smoke, but didn't party. Enjoyed being part of a group that played music, saw bands play and loved his work. He was my centre of 'normal' when the other two were running amok. We had the family meetings to discuss and decide most things within the house. Curfews, criteria for going out, house rules etc.

The youngest had the most "friends'. Like you say Colleen if you can call them friends. I remember one night Steven and a group were challenged by local police for being on the streets around 9pm. Bravado saw my son give his name as Donald Duck his address Disneyland. His friends thought it was hilarious, they had all been drinking. The local police not so. He was taken to a station 40mins from home.

When he wasn't home by 9.30 I rang his 'friends'. No one knew nothing. Then came the call from the police. He was in lockup. Someone had thrown a bottle at the police van and Steven was the one they grabbed. He wouldn't be released till morning.

Then came the calls through the night. His 'friends' wanted to know why I was sitting on my 'big fat arse' leaving my son in jail. The accused me of being a rotten mother. I was also told I would get mine one day.

They were right. This same group were later very much a part of his ongoing addiction and subsequent jail time for related offenses, living through that I certainly got mine.

The weight of the guilt from having a child addicted to drugs is overwhelming at best. To see him clean, qualified, father of 2 and happy is nothing short of a miracle. Something must have stuck somewhere.

As for Mike ~ the guilt there stems way back and no amount of psychology or 'straight talking' eases that. Somewhere between being the 'good child' and enduring the many many surgeries and rehabilitation to combat the degeneration of his body he too became addicted to the very thing that was supposed to give him a quality of life. I saw it, maybe too late, maybe because to believe it could happen to Mike was more than I could stand.

Well that was a long and involved rant. Need to walk, coffee and reflect.

Hearts to all of you hear still aching with the loss, still searching for the answers and still wanting to be whole once again.....

[daveydow1]

Carol----I'm so sorry for all your troubles. I will continue to send prayers for you & Ralph,

Davis, and for Kim and the girls. Peace & comfort to you, friend.

Dee----How nice------Megan's dear new little baby girl named Ashton Erica. I know you must

feel so warm inside to have the little girl have ERI's name for her middle name.

Pam---Good to see your posts.

Leah-----Also sending prayers for you and your kids. Sometimes life hands us a lot to bear,

doesn't it?

Trudi-----Yes, you are right----many times the young make poor and unwise choices. You said Mike

was your easy child. ( Davey was my easy child.) The old saying is so true---------"If youth could know what age could tell"

Sarrahxxx------I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son. You have found a good site here. It is

active, and there is a lot of compassion and understanding. Please come back and read/post

when you can. Peace to you.

Karen-----Good to see your post. That 1 year mark coming up is the mark in time that seems to be

the most difficult, in ways. It tells us that 12 months without our dearly beloved child has come

and gone. We will always see things in the 'before' .....and 'after' way. I pray that your dear

memories of Shawn will comfort you. The tears will still fall, of course, but I pray that it will get

'softer' for you. Peace to you, friend.

Colleen------I think that you are a very good parent. As you say......AJ has to learn that when he makes

bad choices, he must pay the consequences. God knows that it is not easy to apply 'tough love', but

I think that we all have to use the method from time to time with our kids. You know that AJ is a good

kid, and you wish for him to become a responsible adult one day. I pray that the road will become a

lot less bumpy for AJ........bless his young heart, and bless you & Scott for being the responsible and

loving parents that you are.

Rhonda----I also know that you are a good parent. Your posts, and the love you express for dear Westley

shows that to be evident. We, as parents, can't "live our kids' lives" for them. All kids make mistakes

and poor decisions at times (my kids included) . It gets very rough and bumpy

and I sometimes wonder if I was ever cut out to be a parent, when there seems

to be nothing that can be done to help straighten things out. I guess we all feel inadequate at times.

I think we feel that way when things go wrong and we can't find solutions to 'fix' things.

I guess parenthood has never been easy. Peace & comfort.

I'm very tired tonight, after having the grandies (who never seem to get tired ) , so I'm

going to go relax and read. Good night all.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sherry, hope that you do relax and get some solid sleep. Those little ones, man they have energy. Oh gosh, I will be with a bunch of them soon as school for the kids starts on the 24th, when Lorri will be on gentle waves holding a cocktail as the pink skies of sunset glisten.

Pam, good to see you again, I am glad taht you are there for the kids, they are too. Just follow your instincts and your heart Pam.

Rhonda, Karen, Trud, and all the parents that spoke of the harder times for your young ones, the teens, I think we all felt embarassed that we had kids that so blindly and blatantly disregarded the rules and the laws. We taught good values, but that does not mean that they use them as they are finding their way as kids. Everyone needs to try to let yourselves off the hook, our Children have, we are parents, not superheroes.

Tony, the real words written on those final documents of our Childs life are heartbreaking and harsh and sad. I am sorry for the way that your Little Guy died, that he died at all. If he said his tummy hurt though, I think that he was not in horrid pain, his body was going into shock and he did not feel the rest of it. I am sorry for your ache.

[mikesmum]

Hello everybody. Today is just one of those days. I just need to write something because I don't know who else to talk to or where to go. I had a few decent days on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I was off work and spend some quality time with my little boy Jackson. It is amazing how quickly things can change and how things can just send you right back down that spiral. I don't know why my father in law chose to tell me this information today, but it was far too much for me to handle. I have always known that Brendan was hurt badly in his accident. I knew that he had died from internal injuries and I knew that a main artery that runs blood to his heart was severed in the accident which was the main cause of death. Today I found out that the autopsy report says that my little boy was crushed on the inside. It said he was crushed from his throat to his pelvis. I had no idea that his laranex was crushed, but apparently it was. How was he able to breathe for a while after the accident. It appears as though Brendan was going to die from his injuries no matter what happened after the accident. Even if we would have gotten him to the hospital in 5 seconds it would not have mattered. My little boy was going to die. It was so hard to hear my father in law say the word autopsy. It was even harder to hear him tell me that my little boy was crushed to death. How much pain was my son in before he died? Did he know he was dying? Was he scared? I hate this so much. I hate these questions. I hate knowing that my son was in pain. He was only 7 years old. How could God make him go through something like this? I pray every night that he was not in pain. All he said to his mom was that his tummy hurt. I pray that he was in shock and had no idea what was happening. I hope he was not scared.

Daddy loves you so much Brendan Anthony Dobson. I am so sorry Brendan.

Words like autopsy, deceased coroner should never be used to describe our children, a 7 year old should be described as 'adventurous, handsome, cute, vibrant'. The reports are clinical, anything else would only add to the agony of those last minutes.

I have had senior intensive care paramedics tell me that even if the entire trauma unit of a major hospital had been 'waiting' at the scene there was no way that life could have been saved. I think that's what happened with Brendan.

I also believe in my heart that your boy, knowning you as he did would know that you would give your life to have him back.....wouldn't we all.

Hope the days get a little easier. Trudi

[shellyku]

Good Evening Indigos - I must try to log in a little earlier in the evening. Until I read

what everyone has said, it has been getting late for me...have to work early. Sarah -

I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. It is such an awful journey to be on; that

of losing your sweet child. Karen - prayers for a good trip. Hope you have some

peaceful moments in your travels. Colleen - thinking of you and hoping AJ will turn

things around from here on out.

I mentioned that I believe I've had some signs from Sarah recently. First I must

mention that on July 26, 2010, when Sarah was in the hospital in Philly, she forwarded

an email to me entitled "You are Beautiful". It was a speech given by Audrey Hepburn

and was ultimately read at her funeral. It spoke of Use you lips to speak kindly of others,

You have two hands, use one to help yourself, the other to help someone else, and the

like (I messed up the font). Anyway, I kept that email since then. Well, a week ago,

I was going to the hairdresser and I heard a sound on my cell phone that was not

familiar. When I took the cell out of my purse, that email was on the screen. My phone

was turned off at the time, so I have no idea how that could have happened. I was

dumbfounded for a moment, but I do believe that was Sarah "speaking" to me.

What do you guys think? I must get to bed, 5 AM will come quickly. Goodnight

all Indigos - you are all in my thoughts.

P.S. Tony - I'm so sorry you are hurting over hearing those words from your FIL.

You're in my prayers.

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's, I wanted to share the new's with you. While living in the Scranton/Wilkes Barre, Pa area, before Rich died, before my mom died, and a year after Rich died, I watched in a state of disbelief as the FBI moved in and turned the old coal country town upside down. In brief, 2 judges conspired to close a county youth detention center, have a new private center built and for every kid they sent away, the 2 judges received kickbacks. Well over $2 million for one judge alone. Now the kids, not all had serious legal problems. Some were minor. Truancy for example. They were not allowed legal representation and vary rarely allowed to speak at all. Some kids went away for great lengths of time. Some were sent out west to some type of boot camp. Ciavarella, the arrogance of this man when he was arrested, the mindset that he would just walk, on TV for us all to see. Gag! Well, he is finished. The name of Ciavarells $1.5 million dollar yacht, “ Reel Justice” Let's hope so.

http://thetimes-tribune.com/news/ciavarella-sentenced-to-28-years-surrenders-to-u-s-marshals-1.1187352#axzz1Um0WTqad

Sherry, Carol, Rhonda, Dee, Betty,Trudi,Karen,Tony,Leah, Sarahxxx,Colleen,Greg,Lorri...reading but feel that I have traveled very far in my mind and emotions this last week to add much. Very weary the past couple of days, I am with you all.

[mysonrich]

Another weird happening; the coroner that attended to Rich, the man that would not allow me to see my son on the night of his death, the man that would not allow me to touch my son, be near my son, the man that did allow me to view him on a monitor..that man hit a girl with his car after running out to pick up takeout food and HE LEFT HER IN THE STREET. She is ok. Now, that man,also a funeral director, is dead. He died suddenly. I guess I missed my chance to have one last word with him.