Loss of an Adult Child

[lil406]

Hello All,

Just a quick update. All is going well with visit daughter, we are taking it slow. Going to visit my brother today, hope that goes well today too.

I am up before the dawn yet again. I have never been a good sleeper and the recent past has made it even worse. Before my lilbug left me I would get 5-6 hours of broken sleep now I can't even get that! I have had different medications over the years to try and help with my sleep and none of them ever worked for long. It gives me alot of time these days to write in my journal which is now just full of so much pain. I don't know if it helps, but I keep doing it anyway.

Tomorrow is my big "50!" and the biggest thing I can think about is I won't hear my lilbug tell me Happy Happy! The birthday isn't as big a deal now. Everyone will still have birthdays, but she never will again. Only angelversaries. IT SUCKS!

Carol - My heart goes out to you. Be strong. Tough love is very hard to take, on both sides. Keep hanging on, strength will keep you going.

HUGS to everyone and even though none of us are here by choice, we are here! I am glad I found this place. I don't feel so all alone in my pain.

Forever loving Lilbug,

Christina

[ericasmom]

Christina, taking it slow with your Girl is probably very smart for you both. I wish you the very best with that. Grief is slow too, a slow slow process and being up before dawn is one of the common threads, that sleeplessness. Keep writing in your journal, it listens and keeps the process in a safe so that one day you can look back and see the amazing steps you have taken. It is a good thing. Keep coming back here, it is a connection that continues to amaze me this many years later.

Peace if at all possible, and may you feel your lil-bug tomorrow/ maybe she brought your other Daughter to you as a means to show you that she is with you all.

[mikesmomrs]

Happy 36th Birthday today to my wonderful and precious son, James "Mike" Michael. I know that you always wanted to see what you would look like when you got "older," and now we have that same desire...to see what you would have looked like as you got "older." I do thank God that we did get to see you settle in as a grown man with your own family, for that I will always be thankful, just as I am thankful for the little family you left behind, as we watch your sons grow and carry on your love of life. I pray your countenance now reflects the sunshine you always needed while here on earth, that you can feel that your heart is filled with the love of God and all of those you left behind, and that your days are filled with glorifying the God you so loved. The waiting here on earth is seemingly endless, but I know that it is just a bit of time there on the other side of the veil, where you are...when we are all together again is the day I hold dear in my heart, always. Happy birthday, son...this is your "weekend birthday" that you so loved!

Loving and remembering you always, mom and dad.

Mike's memorial site: http://james-michael...l-memorials.com

[Guest msnher]

Happy Belly Button Day, Michael! Carol and Ralph, may your day be full of slugbugs and hearts! Love you both!

[mikesmum]

James Mike Michael - Happy 36th Birthday.

There is something about not seeing our kids age, to watch them fulfill their journey and see them grow into older beings.

Carol & Ralph, I guess the upside is that you still have Mikes boys growing before your very eyes with so much of their dad evident in not just how they look, but what they say and what they love.

[westleysmom]

Happy heavenly birthday MIKE.

Carol, Ralph and all who loved Mike, I hope you feel his presence in your hearts today and always.

[ericasmom]

MIKE

MIKE

MIKE

MIKE--Nobody is just like you Mike, but thankfully, you have boys that are filled with Mike-like attributes, the world is made better by what you have given it and by the lives that you have touched...

Carol and Ralph and Cathi and Kim, may your lives be touched each day by the antics of Mike, he lives on in your hearts and sprinkles magic all around you.

[shellyku]

MIKE - Happy Heavenly Birthday to you! May your sons,

your Mom and Dad, and all your loved ones feel your presence

and may they feel your love for them!!

lil406 - Glad the visit with your daughter is going smoothly. Prayers that it continues to be so!

May you all have a blessed evening with sweet dreams of your angels! Shelly

[hotrod]

Happy Birthday Mike

Surround your loving family with your warmth today

as you do everyday

[aim630]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Mike!

Carol, Thinking of you, Ralph and the boys today.

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

I watched EAT, PRAY, LOVE tonight and I found myself crying in many parts. The path she was on to locate what she had lost inside of herself, the journey...the music playing in the background and the sweet characters all combined to make me tearful. I have been tearful for several days, might have something to do with going back to school. a mark of time can do that to me.

Someone asked how Jonathan's back and neck are..thanks for asking,.he is doing better but on days when he hurts he feels he is right back to square one. He could still really use some prayers, for full recovery for his physical health adn for healing his spirit as well, the anxiety really messes with him.

Dream sweetly All.

Oh I might post a song by Eddie Vedder, so pretty, it was in the movie tonight. What a powerful voice and his words and music amaze me. Have always loved Pearl Jam.

[ericasmom]

Here it is, very uplifting...

[mikesmum]

Hello my Indigo Family. Today has been exhausting. A 'slight' family conflict between Mal's kids into which we were dragged causing great angst. Suffice to say sleep eluded me. I showered and prepared for my day with Zak at the Market, my chance to see Harmony.

The weather was on my side, brilliant sunshine. The crowds came, sausages sizzled and we had the best time. 15' from me was a stall with salt lamps, gem stones, fairy dust and various second hand brick a brack ~ there sat a cute little girl, long dark hair streaked with blonde. Sitting with her Amanda and her mother. I didn't approach, I grabbed looks. She was smiling, interacting lovingly with her mum and grandmother. Then as if a light was turned on Amanda realised I was there.

She packed Harmony up into the car. She looked at me and said something that I didn't hear....but I don't think it was great to see you we must catchup'. I went across to speak to her mother and let her know I wasn't there to cause trouble, but that was met with an indifferent grunt.

She looks so much like Amanda. Very pale, eyes the colour of her dad's the shape of her mum's.

I made it home and once inside the door my world crashed in on me. So close to Mikes girl, so far from her in so many ways. I will wait and see what if any fallout comes from today.

[lil406]

So we are having a good visit, went to my brothers yesterday. Was a good trip. I am worn out and once again slept for just a few short hours and then my lilbug wakes me once again. Its kinda like when she was a baby and woke up every few hours needing me except now she doesn't need me anymore. I NEED HER! Today is my big '50' and I know she isn't going to call. I wish there was a phone from here to there so I could talk to her just one more time. Just one more moment with her. Isn't that what we all say, "Just once more!"

I am trying really hard with my other daughter who came for a visit. She is just wearing me out. I am just not sure she is getting what she needs from me at this time. I really don't know what that is.

My other daughter (Yes I have 3), sent me a happy bday text and that is probably all I will here from her today even though it is her bday too. She is still very angry and hurt right now. I get that, but we will never get this day back and I want her to know how much I do love and care for her.

My whole Life I have been strong, stubborn, and ready to fight for what is right. Today, I don't want to be strong anymore. I am tired of holding myself up, dusting myself off, and doing it all over again. Today I just want to crawl up under the covers until the world goes away. I know that isn't going to happen, but if I can't dream in my sleep, I can at least have dreams in my wakefulness. I can't even remember the last dream I had, many years now I am guessing. I would even be grateful if she would come to me in a dream for just a half a moment in time, but if I can't dream how can that happen!

Today I am weak, fearful, sad, lost and confused. Not how this day was supposed to be at all.

Loving my lilbug forever!

[ericasmom]

Trudi, I am cheering that you saw your beautiful Grandgirl, and crying that you saw her leave. I think that viewing her looking to be enjoying herself, that her demeanor says she is loved and cared for is something to take heart in, but I so wish that her mum could have seen that the proximity of you and your Grandgirl would not hurt anyone...my thoughts as you piece this together.

Christina, this day unfolding in the way it is will take you to a new place, and while it is not what you want or feel good about, it will keep unfolding until you do reach a place that feels right again. Never the right that you once enjoyed, something new.

I wish you a year filled with goodness and love to surround you and surprise visits from lilbug that light up your spirit. Happy Birthday to you and your Daughter.

[Guest msnher]

Happy Birthday, Christina, to you and your daughter. I'm sorry there is such a huge rift between you and one of your daughters right now. Texting may seem like a small gesture, but it is a gesture nontheless. There is hope for a better relationship. I hope you get the rest you require today. Grief is exhausting.

Trudi, believe that the door for a relationship is open for you and Harmony. Amanda is going to play and replay seeing you in her mind over and over again. She and her mother will discuss it. The discussion, over and over again, will lead to a softening of hearts. It will take time, but it will happen. It might not be pretty. "A soft answer turneth away wrath" keeps running through my thoughts.

Colleen - I loved hearing from you yesterday, even if I was a bit incoherent. I adore you, sweet friend!

Gotta get in the shower. Oh...allow me to share yesterday's experience at the beauty supply store "Sally's". I went to buy a beader for Mariah's hair. They didn't have the kind I needed but I ended up buying a salon style chair and have now turned the laundry room into a mini beauty shop. But, that's not the story. Before I left the house, I washed my face, brushed my teeth, put a comb through my hair and threw on jeans and a T shirt. My driver's license picture is a good picture of me. I handed the cashier my driver's license to check my I.D. and she spoke before she thought..."How come your hair looks so good in this picture?" I loved it. She was shocked with herself, as was the lady behind me in line. I smiled and said "Because I showered that day and took time to look nice. I didn't today. I did put on deoderant for your benefit, though." The cashier couldn't look up, she was so embarrassed with herself, the lady behind me let a giggle escape.

We have to learn to laugh at ourselves.

Love you all! Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Michael

Michael

Michael

Michael

Michael

Michael

Happy Heavenly Birthday Michael and huggs to your parents Carol and Ralph

Colleen

[dwsmithrn]

mike.....happy birthday weekend to you....let your mom and dad and family know that you are having a wonderful birthday weekend with all the angels....wrap your love around them and give them peace.

[dwsmithrn]

christina....happy birthday to you and your daughter.....i hope things work out with you both....i am counting on it and feel deep inside that it will work out....just a feeling....it may take some time, but it will work out.....we all are thinking of you and wishing you good things to come.....diane

[dwsmithrn]

my heart feels sad today...7 months today....i picked up my beautiful handmade wooden box with ingraved plaque on the front of nathan's ashes and sat in a rocking chair and rocked and cried....he should be here, not in a box, or in the atlantic ocean.....he is in both places....i wanted a part of him with me....mostly, he is where he wanted to be, in the ocean.....but, he is not on earth, where my selfish heart wants him.....i miss him and i am too sad to go or do anything today. i just want to rest and think of my nathan. today, is 'that' day that i am not feeling the forward progress of grief....again, i feel stiffled....sitting in a place that i know i have been before and will be again and again. the sadness takes over and i don't want it to leave, not for awhile. i want to sit in the quiet, and the dark, and just think of what i am missing....my nathan. i think it is ok, to just sit for awhile.....

[Guest msnher]

Diane, I did the exact same thing when I picked up Stephanie's ashes. I sat in the rocking chair, alone in my house, holding her, sobbing and rocking. When those dark times hit I felt as if I had made no progress and I would never be okay again. When the easier times came I thought I had a handle on grief and was moving forward. When the dark times hit again the pain seemed more intense because I thought I was doing so much better and the pain seemed to hit out of nowhere. I likened grief unto rape. It was intrusive, invasive, without my permission, turning me inside out, exposure in the most intimate sense of the word. Not going anywhere or doing anything is, in fact, doing something...it is grieving. Grief is hard work. Each step leaving its own footprint, always moving forward. There will be footprints that seem to be several feet deep into the mud and other footprints will barely leave an impression on the earth. You will look back and the evidence of your progress will be in the heavy steps left behind. You are moving forward, always, and you do not walk alone. Much love! Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[daveydow1]

Sus----I believe what you had for the sores was Powdered Alum"........It is found in the supermarket

with the spices like cinnamon, nutmeg, salt, etc......McCormicks is one brand. It is used to can

pickles, and I believe that it is to make the pickles stay crisp. I hope that this is the thing you are

looking for. Those sores can be dreadful. I've had cold sores off & on most of my life. I've had lasar

treatments which help, but leave scars. Also, I take L-lysine (found with vitamin supplements).....

it helps make the sores a bit 'milder' and less painful, but for me....they usually have to still run their

course of a wk. to 10 days.

[daveydow1]

Christina---Happy Birthday. So nice that you and your daughter had a nice visit. Sorry that you

are now feeling down. After 8 years on this grief journey, I find that the dreams come when you

least expect them. When I have a dream of my son, Davey, it is usually very brief......I get to see

him (he's always fine), and then I feel like I've just had a tiny, brief glimpse of heaven. I hope

that you will have a nice dream soon. Peace to you, friend.

Dee-----Oh, I too, loved the movie "EAT, PRAY, LOVE'....Good to hear that Jon's back is getting

better, but of course there are those times when the pain comes back. Hoping that his therapy

will set him on the road to recovery.

MIKE-----MIKE------MIKE-------REMEMBERING YOU ALWAYS.

Trudi----Sorry that you have not been able to successfully get to have a relationship with sweet Harmony, because

of her mother. So sad. Prayers for you & your family.

Carol------I believe that you are right in saying Davis cannot come home to you if he is leaving the

rehab facility. You may be right.........that he's saying he will live with the woman with the 18 cats,

so as to manipulate you into doing what he wants. I hope & pray that he has second thoughts about

all of this, and stays in the facility where he can get the help he needs. I've read that you cannot

live their life 24/7, and that life does go on, and there are others in the family who would like to

spend time with us, and to enjoy life. I agree with Dee----that you are a strong woman, and wise.

I know this can't be easy for you, friend. We, at BI, are in your corner, and are hoping things will

look up with Davis. Peace.

GOOD DREAMS AND SLEEP TONIGHT ......THAT'S MY WISH FOR ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[nicksdad]

[ericasmom]

Sherry, I take L-lysine as well, daily which then acts as a preventative. It is an amino acid which those of us that are susceptible to cold sores and fever blisters don't have enough of for whatever reason. So I take a lysine everyday and two or more when I feel the tinge of it, and it has stopped them in their tracks, but if it comes on and I have not been taking it each day, it usually is full blown. Those are a form of herpes that lives in our bodies and gets stirred up whenever it wants, in reaction to a cold or stress...cankor sores however are a whole other beast. Those are usually due to citric acids and perhaps something lacking in the diet. Lysine usually does not take care of those inside the mouth sores. I will google cankor sores. Alum is a preserver, we use it when we make our salt dough for our geography unit on landforms.

[ericasmom]

http://www.webmd.com...de/canker-sores

causes and symptoms and all the things you ever did or did not want to know about them.

It is getting dark out and it is only 7:35, this is the part of summer I get sad about, the light lessoning. I am funky today, I go back to work tomorrow. I know I am grateful for the long days of summer and the freedom they afford me, but I will miss that. I will love the kids but have to have two days of meetings in order to get to meet them. Wednesday is the day for kids.

Wish me luck, I tend to either get goofy in meetings or fall asleep. Best I stand in the back to avoid both.

[summergirl]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY MIKE.....YOUR BEAUTIFUL MOM AND DAD ARE MISSING YOU SO MUCH - GIVE THEM A SWEET ANGEL KISS AND SHINE BRIGHT AMONG THE STARS.....

MIKE, MIKE, MIKE - SAYING YOUR NAME OUTLOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - we are back from camping and the peace I was looking for found me......I am refreshed and feeling much better about life. Tavian and I had 4 days of alone time as the others we were camping with only came in the evening as they were all working. It was so good for the 2 of us as we spent the days walking the beach, talking, reading, fishing and swimming (well Tavian did the swimming)......The best day was when we "really" talked about his mom, things he wanted to know and things he remembered. I asked him why sometimes when another child asks him "is that your mom" when they see me he answer's "yes" - he told me "because I want to call you mom", but I know you are mi-mi" - so I told him that if he wanted to call me mom it was ok and that his mommy would think it was just fine too. We talked about her funeral and why he didn't go, alot of questions and answers that we both needed. The weather was perfect, days sunny and nights filled with stars. We are home for a week and then back camping for another week for Labor Day.... Then our camper goes up for sale as we are going for a bigger one....Tavian is at the age where he needs more space and room for his self and we want a nice big walk-around bed with a door that closes....looking for one about 27 to 28 foot with a slide out. Will be so much better for all of us.

It is late so I will tell you all how much I care for you and am forever thankful that I can come here knowing you all are here. Tavian is sooooooooo ready for some sleep and his bed is calling. Peace, love and strength to all.......Kathy

[Guest msnher]

Thanks, Sherry! Yes, Powdered alum is the name of it! Works like a charm.

Also thank you, Dee, for looking up the info and passing it on. Mariah and I get simple canker sores. Usually from biting the inside of our cheek or lip when chewing gum. We get them from some fruits, too...like pineapple. A quarter cup of the powdered alum lasted close to 20 yrs. Back to work tomorrow, Dee. Sigh. It has been so much fun having you at our beckon call this summer. Mariah noticed some leaves falling already, commenting about summer being over. Time moves so fast these days.

Kathy, I am so glad you and Tavian had such a wonderful, healing time together. When does school start for you?

We are ready for school. Tomorrow I will go through the kid's clothes to separate school clothes from play clothes. This year they do not get a new back pack or new shoes, which they get every year. Last year's backpacks are still in good shape and they all just got new shoes that are still in good shape. I might cave about the shoes. They haven't asked for them so we'll see. The only item I couldn't find on their school supply list was alcohol free hand sanitizer for Jonathon's class.

We went to the school last Friday so the kids could see where their classes were and who their teachers are. They already know them all, but it's nice to just check in. The girls were all hugs and stories with each teacher and the principal. Jonathon hid behind my back. Not in the fear of me leaving like he did when he was four, but the "Oh, my God, they're looking at me." He was all smiles holding on to the back of my waist. Those teachers have been through so much with us and we love them all. It's a small, low income school and the staff is very close. We are a part of them and they are a part of us.

[mikesmomrs]

Hello my Indigo family: It has been a long weekend, mixed with many emotions. First, I want to say thank you to all of you for your wonderful acknowledgements of Mike's birthday. Dan, your picture, as usual, beautiful, and very much appreciated. Mike loved the "weekend birthday" and since his bday was on Saturday, this one certainly qualifies. We began the day with a trip to Fenway for the Futures at Fenway games...this is an annual thing they have where the Triple AAA and Double AA teams play. First off, we got free parking...YAY! We had tremendous seats, eight rows from the field and just in front of home plate. The boys were so excited with these seats! We had been talking about Mike and wondering if we would see a sign from him today and what it might be. We had been at the game for about an hour, when Jamie said "Nana, look at this lady who just sat down near us." I looked over, and there was this woman with a Red Sox baseball cap on, and pinned on the side was a little silver dragonfly! Chandler said that he had seen a real dragonfly come by us earlier during the game. When we left the game, there were a few clouds in the sky, and Cathi said "Mom, look at the sky." Right in front of us was a beautiful rainbow arch, seeming to come from nowhere...there had not been any rain, in fact, it was a beautiful sunny day with some clouds here and there. So, our hearts were light all the way home. Chandler was going to spend a couple of days at Kam's house, so on the way to taking them there, we took some balloons to Mike's memorial site. The guy in the store misunderstood my request, and instead of readying one mylar balloon and two latex ones that we were going to tie on the pole next to the bench, he had gotten ready the mylar one, and six latex ones. So, we just took them all and went up there. We wrote messages on the outside, and tied the mylar one and a red and yellow one to the pole, then wrote messages on the others and let them go. Kameron said it reminded him of the night his dad had died...he was so sad and inconsolable and his mom and other grandma suggested he write messages on a balloon and send it to the sky, to his dad. He said this had helped him a lot then, and he was glad we were doing it now. Just as we were leaving, the light beside Mike's bench popped on...the boys said "dad's saying thanks." All in all, it was a good day, celebrating Mike's birth and his life. First thing Saturday morning, I had put the Davis situation in that box I spoke of earlier, and it actually worked!

As I had posted earlier, I had told Davis that if he didn't finish the detox at least, then he couldn't come home. Well, things have changed considerably since that time. Even though it has only been two days since Friday, it seems that Davis has done a lot of work at the facility. I spoke again with the counselor and was told that he had been taking part in the daily schedule since the first day, reluctantly at first, and then seemingly sincerely and more diligently. Last night (Saturday night) he called, and told us that he'd been to a couple of outside meetings, along with the daily schedule of detox-related work at the center, and then he got all choked up. The first thing he said was "I have something in my hand that I never thought I would care about having and it means SO much to me." I asked him what it was and he couldn't speak at first, then through sobs, he said "I have my 24 hour chit." He couldn't speak for a bit and then he said "I have so much to make up for grandma...to you and grandpa, and especially to my mom, if she will let me." Then he said "I am so, so sorry for the way I've treated my family, and especially the one man (his grandpa) who has been like a father figure to me all of my life. I've treated him so badly and I am so sorry." Then he asked to speak to Ralph and told Ralph how much he loved him and was so sorry for all the pain he had caused him with his drug use. It seems that the counselors did a lot of one-on-one with him, and through this were able to integrate him into the daily routine, working with the others there. I know it was only for a total of three full days (five, counting the day he got there and the day he left), but I can't believe the difference in him. He was so very proud of that chit, the same one that he spoke of a week or so ago and said it was a piece of junk that meant nothing and he never wanted one. Now, he is anxious to be sure he gets his one month chit. He came home this afternoon (Sunday) and told us all about the last few days, including reading parts of his daily journal to us, and reading his daily schedule to us. He also read a rap that he wrote (he is VERY good at this) and it was truly amazing and profund and for the first time ever included words of hope and of the future. He said that everyone there truly "got it" about his addiction---those who worked there as well as those who were attending the program, and it was almost as if they were reading his mind when they talked about themselves, and that this had the most impact on him.

I don't know how much of this is true...Davis understands that after years of living with lies, "trust" is certainly an issue, and only time will tell. I pray that everything is sincere, that he truly feels this way, and I thank all of you for all your many prayers. I had told him on two occasions over these days that there were many people praying for him and praying for strength for him. As far as I know, he is still planning on going to his friend Blake's for a couple of weeks. He sees his therapist on Monday, and this will be discussed more. I also see my therapist on Monday, so I know that this will be the central topic at that meeting!

Again, thank you all, so very, very much, for listening, for praying, and for hoping right along with me, that this situation will take a turn for the better...I pray that it has.

Dee: Wishing you the best as you begin a new year of coming into the lives of the children in your class, children who have been blessed to be in your presence and under your guidance.

Trudi: So glad that you got to see Harmony, and praying so that this will be an opening of a door long and unfairly closed...even if it is only opened a smidge at a time. I am glad that you had a good day with Zak, and I am sure that Zak was very glad that you were there!

Kathy: So happy that you and Tavian had such a good vacation...I bet he's even browner than before! Thank for sharing him with us.

Sherry: Yes, this 'tough love' is truly tough, likely tougher on those dishing it out, at least that's how I feel.

Diane: Holding you close, and yes, it is okay to have that day when you just want to be alone with your grief...it is part of the healing of this journey.

Christina: I am so sorry that your 50th birthday was surrounded with so much sadness, and I pray that the conflict between you and your daughter will work itself out.

Sus: Loved your story about being at "Sally's." Thanks for sharing. I think that experiences like that make people think a little more than they normally do.

To all my indigo family, sending lvoe and prayers.

our gift from Mike:

[ericasmom]

I am so pleased Carol, that the boys all knew that Mike was around them, letting them know of his love and devotion. He is an amazing Angel isn't he? He has always given very strong signs and how dear to know that the boys will carry those into their years and remember that Dad, that Uncle as the Man in their lives that lit the way for everyone's faith.

I hope that if you did go get Davis that you are okay tonight and able to sleep. You have been through a lot this year...well a lot for several years running, so please take care of yourself Young Lady. Prayers continue for Davis and for you all.

Thanks Sue, I enjoy the time I have in the summer to be here several times per day, it will be much less so as we get going into the year though I probably can check in when my students are in their specials: PE, ART, MUSIC, Spanish...so I will check in most days during the daylight hours.

Sleep well Everyone, may there be dreams that leave you knowing that you were in the presence of your Child.

[ericasmom]

A dark blue sky with a ribbon of gold on the rise. This is what I see as I wake for the school day. Going for my walk and wishing you all some peace on this day.

[shorty16]

Hello my Indigo Friends

Dee - Good luck with the first day of School. Yes, it is hard going back after enjoying the summer off..I am sending my love to you in hopes that today and the rest of the school year bring good times and even better memories.

Carol - Love the signs from Mike, the dragonfly and the rainbow. Like Brian, your Mike is all around you. Also, sooo happy to hear the Davis is "getting it". We do hope it lasts and your family can be back together and healthy as ever. We will continue to pray for Davis.

Kathy - So glad you feel refreshed after a week of camping. The talks with Tavian are memory-makers. It is so cool he calls you Mom. I know your Jessica would not mind. Camping Hey!!! We used to camp, but now I am too old to play in the dirt. Glad you enjoy it.

Sherry - Thanks for the info on Cold Sores. I am a victim also of those things. Do you have sunflowers? They are in bloom now by me. My favorite flower. I saw the biggest bummble bee I have ever seen on one of our sunflowers. OMG - I bet it was almost 2 inches long!!!!

Diane - Still such hard times for you. Hang in there my friend. My family purchased urn necklaces (all except for Aaron who choose not to). I filled the urn necklaces with a small amount of Brian's ashes. I did it in my bedroom with the door closed. It was so unreal that my son was in this box when he should be here with us. We get it. We know how you feel. Time does heal, but it takes a LONG TIME. Take care my friend.

Trudi - Sorry about the family issue that you were dragged into. I know the ocean-house was a safe-house for you and so sorry you had to leave it. I am sending calm-love your way. Hopefully you can save your pennies and come visit us in the States.

Well my friends, this weekend was beautiful weather, but Scott and I did not do much. Stayed home and enjoyed each others company. Scott really gets into Fantasy Football. He is getting ready for 3 seperate drafts. So I have lost my husband to the bio's of each player and their statistics. He enjoys it and it does not require alot of money, just time away from me - Cry, sob, complain.

Took Aaron school shopping and of course I had to play the Mom role when he choose shirts that had saying on them that I thought were not appropriate. One shirt said something about doing stupid things. He showed it me and I just looked at him like "Yeah, you sure have done some stupid stuff!!!" We purchased gym shoes, 2 pair of jeans, 1 shorts and 2 tops. Where he is going to put this cloths, I do not know. He has so much cloths that he will not part with. His room is like an episode of "Hoarders"

A start to another work week. I have my Compassionate Friends meeting tonight. I plan to go a bit earlier so I can talk. Takes me a bit longer to get there than I anticipated.

Love to my Indigo friends - All of you

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[andy88]

Good morniing beautiful people! Just dropping by to say hello. I'll try to write more later.

Happy heavenly birthday Mike Mike Mike!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[rlolheiser]

Been sicker than I thought I was. I just haven't been up to much, running the house trying to sleep.. taking care of everybody and trying to sleep. I am feeling much better today. I have as usual missed much.. but even though away your were all in my thoughts.

Carol, thinking of you and Ralph.. so happy that you feel Mike around you especially at times like this..Happy Belated Hevenly Birthday Mike!

Christina, sorry for the late birthday wish.. I hope and pray you become stronger each day and you and daughter find each other within the sorrow you both feel.

I don't think I can catch up with everybody so I am not going to try. It has been hectic, but I made it.

Watching my little boy this week, and seeing so many of JaBoa's characteristics in him. He recorded some little song on a toy of his, and I swear when I close my eyes I can hear JaBoa singing, I never noticed the similarity before.. even his features, when she was growing her adult teeth they seemed awkwardly big til the others came in, and sure enough.. my little guy has the same smile with the same teeth that JaBoa was so frustrated with.. it is nice to see her around me.. but still makes me miss her so much.

I wish you all a peaceful day and hope to get back on quicker than I have.. running to my hometown tomorrow, will stop by my girls site and place some flowers.. and tell my dad happy birthday with flowers on his grave.. it is a little early but with school starting wednesday it stops a lot of traveling later.

[westleysmom]

Hey all, still no new baby. Holding my breath. It was like that when I was pregnant, I didn't like being pregnant that much and mostly wanted it to be over so I would know that it all went well.

Carol-I'm so glad that you could feel Mike all around you and had a special day with the boys. I hope that Davis continues to do well. Hugs

Kathy-It sounds like you had a wonderful time with Tavian. Camping is not my thing either, as I tell my husband, we have a perfectly good house and I like to stay there! The only way I leave for work in the morning is by getting up, throwing on my clothes and leaving before I'm entirely awake. If I ever get woke up good, I have a hard time leaving at all.

Leah-Hope you get to feeling better and get by to take flowers to your Dad and JaBoa. My kids both had big teeth and had to have braces. When they first came in, the big teeth looked huge. He'll grow into them eventually.

Christina-Happy belated birthday! I hope the rest of your birthday was good for you. I will be 50 next year, so we're almost the same age.

Dee-Back to school blues, huh? Getting back into the swing of things would be hard for me, too.

Susannah-The Sally's thing was so funny. Nobody ever asks me how come my hair looks so good on my driver's license, though. Does that make you feel better? Just trying to help.

Colleen-Is AJ still looking longingly out the window at the car? Isn't Michelle in nursing school or do I have confusion? I hope she is doing okay. I am a hunting widow, and it starts up soon. He likes football too, but not as much as hunting. I even have a plaque my SIL gave me that says "We interrupt this marriage for hunting season" or something like that.

Diane-I was kind of like that on Saturday. I tried to put some pictures in albums from last year and looked through to see how far the pictures that were already in there went through. Big mistake. Ended up on the floor with a couple of albums open, crying and saying to myself "I don't know what to do." I don't know how to fix this broken thing that is my life and my heart and make it all right again. I don't want to take pictures that he's not in and make memories that don't include him and for heaven's sake, I never intended to keep breathing if he was not here. It was like that most of the weekend. I still don't like weekends that much.

Hope you all have a good day and feel our angels all around you.

[shorty16]

Rhonda

You got it right!! AJ is looking longingly out the window at the car. I also mention it every once in a while. Not to rub it in, but I just miss Brian's car??!?!?!?! There have been many instances where AJ having a driver's lisence would have helped us, but when we have kids, sometimes we get grounded right along with them.

Michelle is starting her 4th year of nursing school. I think she will be a super-senior, but what ever it takes!!!

I like football also, but these fantasy football teams are too much for me. Scott is very good at it and has won several years in a row. But the time invested in this is WAY TO MUCH.

Thanks for asking!!

Colleen

[briansdad]

Carol,

This song sounds like it would fit Mike. So here's to Mike on his birthday.

[bus1851]

Hello everyone,

Its been awhile, I still read everyones entries just don't post as often anymore. I don't know if this is because I am getting stronger or that I don't have any more words to express my sadness. It really is a strange feeling going from crying all day every day to living life without my baby. I am trying to trick myself into believing everything is OK and then one word or phrase pulls me back down. Like the other day we were watching TV and my son was playing with my daughters Ipod and pulled up pictures of Marley and innocently said "Marley I love you, Marley I miss you" and I broke out in tears. I realize the pain will never go away, I will just hide it in my mind so it can't destroy me but I have to survive for my family. Daddy loves you Marley.

CJ

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang, yep a long day of meetings and some of it just a time waster but hey, that is what happens in school districts. Some of it was good and a fellow teacher and I walked 1.5 miles to the first meeting adn back home again before the next one at a different place so the walks were good ways to stay pumped up and get some fresh air. Like Colleen we are having gorgeous weather right now in Illinois. Heard that there will be big storms at some point tomorrow and Wednesday.

Went to the chiropractor again today for another adjustment in my hips and sacrum, and in my neck and my upper arms, my thumbs even. everything was a bit jammed. No walks tomorrow, need to let this all rest a bit before putting any added pressure or movements that could reinjure the areas.

Carol, I don't think for whatever reason, that I was able to read the rest of your report about Davis last evening. I did not see the part that showed us his good works and his realization of what it is he caused you. I do hope that that sense stays fresh in his mind and spirit and let it drive him to staying clean. I will pray on that.

Ah Marley Greg, how lovely those melodic tunes are. His music has always been a part of our lives and Erica loved him. My niece had a shirt for her baby that said, "what about Bob" with a photo of Bob Marley. So adorable.

Kathy, glad taht you and Tavian had a good time at the beach and camping. I am happy for him to not have to go back to school until the days following Labor Day. Makes perfect sense to me.

Col, shopping with Aaron sounds like some laughs. Good luck to Michele as she enters her 4th year of nursing school. What kind of nursing is she most interested in?

LEah, good to see you, please take good care of yourself.

[Guest msnher]

Love Bob Marley.

When do the kids come back to school, Dee?

We begin Wednesday. The kids are all ready. So is Grandma...

One full week without a drag of a cigarette. Cool me! Oh...and, I'm even drinking water...on purpose. I can feel the difference already.

Rest and peace,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Greg...thanks for the song...one of Mike's favorites. He loved all of Bob Marley's music, but had his favorites, of course. I will post at the end of this post a pic of him in one of his favorite outfits...a Bob Marley shirt and a pair of crazy patchwork pants, taken the last month or so that he was able to be up and about. Another pic, in another shirt, his last birthday. Thanks so much for sharing the song.

Sus: YAY on the no cigarettes...one day at a time!

CJ: So very sorry that the memories of your sweet baby Marley bring such sadness to your heart. Please know that eventually, different times for everyone, the pain will soften, and the sweetness of the memories will be stronger than the bitterness of the missing. We all hold you close.

Leah: I too hope that bringing the flowers to JaBoa and your father's gravesites will bring you comfort. I am glad that you are getting the opportunity to go. I do know what you mean about watching your little boy emit some of JaBoa's characteristics, and how it affects you. Mike's middle boy, Kameron, looks and sounds SO much like his dad---most of the time, it warms my heart, but now and then the chills come to my spine.

Colleen: The shopping trip with AJ...reminded me of shopping last week with Kim's girls...I was getting them some back to school clothes, and honestly, some of the t-shirts are downright disrepsectful! Not to mention how they are sexualizing the clothing for the girls who are "tweens" now (8 - 12 yo)...I saw an article on the news about that tonight...everything has to have that sexual connotation to it...geeze loueeze, let them be kids for a while! Good luck to Michelle in her senior year of nursing. If she is anything like her mom, she will make a terrific nurse!

Rhonda: I've been able to work with many of our new pictures, but only on the computer. All of our pictures that hung in our old house, and all of the new ones since then, have not made it to our walls yet. The frames sit empty in the closet, mocking me sometimes. I never intended to keep on breathing, either, but somehow, the breaths keep coming.

Betsy: Any plans for when you will visit Sarah next? I am so glad that she has found her "place," but know that it is painful to be missing her in your daily life.

Dee: I love the description of your morning sky...how beautiful. Your tink was there, among the beautiful colors, greeting you for the new day and new school year...she too knows the wonders that you do with all of those blessed children.

Betty: How are you...have not seen your posts recently. Hope all is well.

Diane: I hope your day of sitting with your sorrow has helped you to find some peace...I know that likely sounds contradictory, but sometimes just sitting and letting your grief be can help you to find your way when you feel so lost.

I had my appointment with my therapist today, but he did not show up. He has NEVER not shown up. He does not have a secretary, so I will have to call tomorrow to see what happened. I rechecked my appt card and I was there on the right day at the right time, but something must have come up for him. Hopefully, everything is all right. I have been seeing Rob for over 10 years now, off and on, and think very highly of him. He truly helped me through some pretty rough times, but REALLY helped me through those months of dealing with Mike's illness and then grieving Mike's dying.

Tomorrow Davis is supposed to go to his first meeting...he knows that if he doesn't start going tomorrow, he must leave the house tomorrow night. He is planning on moving in with his friend Blake before the end of the week, anyway, but it will have to start sooner if he isn't following his program. His mom and I will attend an Al-anon meeting with him later this week, as well. One day at a time.

Thinking of all of my indigo family, keeping you all in my prayers as always.

Mike, in his "Marley-ness"...

[mysonrich]

Well, it was a weekend of roller coaster emotions. Me and Sarah did make it to the shore for 3 days. As I read marleysdad words and as some here say, it does get softer but the forever missing , the ache,grief,tears I don't think ever goes away. I woke early one morning and took a walk on the boardwalk. Picking up coffee and a breakfast sandwich for us both. Before 10 the boardwalk is open to bike riders, all shapes,sizes of bikes and people. Joggers,walkers too. I saw a boy riding a low-rider chopper style bike. This took me back to another place and time when Rich picked out the same bike. Rentals unless you brought your own. Well, Rich didn't like that style bike so he picked another , but watching this boy and thinking back I cried. Not at the memory but the gut wrenching missing. Another time Sarah looked at me and asked “whats wrong”? I was trying to contain a great wave of emotion and I guess it didn't work so well. I just told her,nothing is wrong.

Doing my best to enjoy my daughters company,living for the day to make new memories we rode the seashell ride, played the water-gun race to the top game,ate Macks pizza,drank birch beer with our pizza. Sarah ordered Pepsi the first round. I was shocked!!! Its birch beer with Macks pizza! She seems to think I am stuck in 1968 when I visit the shore. I am ha ha

We swam in the ocean and rode the waves. The waves tossed us around one day taking this 51 year old woman back to the year 2011. So much for the endless energy of '68. I talked of years gone by. I asked, “ do you remember when”? And in the future I will ask of this past weekend. “Do you remember Sarah”......

I am checking out a new to me picture hosting site. It isn't free so during my trail I see how I like it.A little mix of photos for this summer.

My daughter with her kind,generous spirit. I think one an see that in her smile. My son. The same kind person with the big hearts. Wildwood NJ and Brooklyn NY. My daughter and my son,sun,in the sky.

http://www.smugmug.com/photos/i-cnfZ6kD/1/S/i-cnfZ6kD-S.jpg

http://www.smugmug.com/photos/i-DFGCbC9/0/S/i-DFGCbC9-S.jpg

http://www.smugmug.com/photos/i-mCn3hwR/0/S/i-mCn3hwR-S.jpg

http://www.smugmug.com/photos/i-nMMhXKj/0/S/i-nMMhXKj-S.jpg

http://www.smugmug.com/photos/i-Sz8CM66/0/S/i-Sz8CM66-S.jpg

[mysonrich]

http://ehaldeman.smu...ons-happy-M.jpg

Happy Birthday, Mike ! A fabulous,fun day for all. Great seats Huh! ( hey Mike,what do you think of them Phillies?)

[ericasmom]

LOVE you guys, have to go to school, big day of meetings and yes Sus, kids tomorrow. I know parents and caregivers will be happy for the 6 hours of quiet that will return to their homes, and I will enjoy the group coming up. So far, 24 kids, but some move-ins yestrday so may go as high as 26....

thanks for the well wishers all,

Betsy, Betty, Bonnie, thinking of you three B's and hoping all is well.

CJ- blessings as the hard facts of life find their place in your day to day. With you on that. We get it.

[heartbeataway]

Good Morning Guys,

Just checking in with a quick update ...... don't even have time to read right now.

We have not one, not two, not three but FOUR new fosters. They are two sets of siblings, boy/girl, boys are 11 and girls are 5. The girls speak no English, only Spanish.

One dad is out of the picture, the other dad a felon ( don't know why) that may have been deported. The two moms lived together with the children and worked together at Kmart. Apparently, they were caught shoplifting and arrested. Both are illegally in the country and that is a huge problem. One mom has been caught crossing the border more than once. That's suppose to further complicate matters.

The legal hearing is October 4th. There is talk of deportation. I have to believe they would be allowed to take their children but I don't know how any of that works.

Not sure how all of this is going to pan out. We agreed to take the children if the placement was short term. Four children are a lot for us but they are close children and it would have been sad to split them up.

Our house looks like it was picked up, shook up and put back down! Mercy!

It took almost all day yesterday to get them enrolled in school. Today we will make sure they all the supplies, clothes and snacks for the first day tomorrow and try to do something fun on their last day of summer vacation.

Sweet children, sad situation!

Oven timer is going off ..... we're having Lemon Poppy Seed muffins for breakfast this morning.

Hope all is well in your worlds.

[shorty16]

Good Morning Indigos,

Love to you all.

I went to Compassionate friends last night and it was a bit tougher than usual. It was memory night. I wanted to share my memory with you.

About 5 years ago (Brian has been gone 3), I was upstairs and saw a poster on the bottom half of our hallway wall. I thought "That is a wierd place for a poster" and walked away. Several days later, the poster is still there and I thought again "That is a really wierd place for a poster, I am going to take it down." I took the poster off the wall and under the poster was a HUGE HOLE in our wall. I looked at both Brian and Aaron and it was like a Lorel and Hardy skit. Brian said "Aaron did it" Aaron said "Brian pushed me" I could not believe it. As I was walking away, Brian said to me "Took you long enough, Mom"

Brian was our sense of humor - our laughing machine. How I miss him more than any words can say.

Thanks for letting me share.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Bonnie

What an angel you and Rich are for taking in those 4 children. Perhaps they can teach you a bit of Spanish?

Good luck with 4 kids going to school. I was wondering how the children who do not speak English can manage in school?

I am sending prayers and warm thoughts your way in hopes that your days with these children will enrich their lives and create lasting memories.

Thank you for what you do.

Colleen

[Guest msnher]

Colleen - the poster story made me laugh out loud. "It took you long enough, Mom!" Fantastic memory!

Bonnie - My heart breaks for your foster children. I am so glad they have you and your hubby, if only for a short time. God bless the children who get caught in the middle of their parents selfish behavior, caught in the middle of government red tape, caught in the middle of politics. I have to hold on to the hope for a better tomorrow for the children. All the children.

Speaking of children, mine think they should be fed breakfast now.

Love you all,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[crystalann]

Morning all,

It has been 34 weeks. I feel worse every day. I have lost so much weight.Its still hard to eat.

I feel like this has turned my once loving and caring family into monsters.

No one gets along everyone is always fighting.Seems like they all end up mad at me.Sometimes I just want to run away! I have 3 other kids that need me.I just cant stop thinking of Tyler.I never had favorites it feels like lossing Tyler made him my favorite. I just dont know what to do.It feels like I dont belong here anymore.I used to do everything now I do nothing! I think Im living on dr. pepper and cigs. I cant get those last images out of my head.The call the driving there turning the corner and him laying in the driveway the way the surgen told us. All of it when i lay down.So I dont sleep either.I dont know what to do!!!!I want this torcher to stop!

I have a hole in my wall too! Justin pushed Tyler into it! I look at it everyday.

Bob Marley He would always sing his songs. Always Everythings gonna be alright.The three little birds part! Oh I miss that! I cant even listen to alot of music now! I just cry!!!!!!

Thanks for listening!

Love and Hugs, Crystal