Loss of an Adult Child

[daveydow1]

Carol----Thanks for the pics of Damon in '05, splashing in his little pool......so CUTE !!, (and the bale of hay pic too). HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO KAMERON !!

Emelia21weeks----I'm glad that you sent your dad an email, telling him how you feel,

and that he understood the meaning of the email. Sometimes family members who are

unkind need to be told that their words/actions are hurtful and that they cause pain.

Sue---- Thinking of you and sending prayers. Come back to BI when you can.....we're here for you, friend.

Betsy----It's good that you stood up to your brother, and telling him that you have your

limitations, and also a life to live. I hope that he is more responsive.

Dee---The Mexican Petunia is just lovely. Don't believe I've ever seen one....even at a nursery. Another

thing about hay.......as Betsy said.....it must be baled when dry....not after rain. Moist bales of hay....when put

in a haymow in the barn can create spontaneous combustion and cause a barn fire. Farmers work very

quickly to get the hay baled while it is dry. I'm talking of the small bales that one used to see in the

fields...not the huge ones that are left outside. I'm not familiar with all the ins & outs of those big things.

Greg----I'm sorry for your loss of your 19 yr.-old brother in an auto accident. I know how shocking and

devastating that can be. My son, David, was also killed in a highway accident in 2003.....it was the worse shock

of our lives, and many times I wonder why the shock of it didn't kill us. I, too, was poking around the

internet about a year after his death, and found this site. It has been a lifeline. I'm glad that you found

this site. Please come back.

Bonnie----Oh, it does sound painful. Hope you will be feeling better very soon. Take care.

Sus---How nice to have your husband take the kids to the mountain cabin, and you get the house to

yourself. They will have a great time, and you will be able to get the refreshing effect of some solitude

in your home. I believe that some "alone time" is good for everyone. The kids will no doubt be full of

stories to tell of their adventures. Peace to you.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Very interesting facts about hay Sherry, I would never have known any of this without yours and Betsy's knowledge shared.

Hug a tree and blow the whistle is a great way to let the kids roam a bit and stay safe. Love it.

Emilia's Mom, how are you? Why are you finding a new home for the hedgehog? I feel as Sherry said, sometimes you just have to let folks know that they need to stop kicking you around. Words do hurt, so use them wisely. Often when we tell folks this, they stop and realize how they can rephrase something in order to put a better spin on it. Sorry for your MOm and her diagnosis, but once diagnosed she can probably attain some level of help and better understand her depression. Sorry too for your Dad's illness.

Goodnight folks, we went four houses down our block to have dinner with friends. We sat outside in their beautiful garden and enjoyed a wonderful meal. I had two glasses of wine though so a bit sleepy. Dream sweetly.

[raren30]

Dee,

I bought a hedgehog from the petstore on may 22 and it was suppose to be a boy lol ( I'm sure everyone has one of these stories) and she had 3 babys at the end of june.

So I'm selling two of them and my daughter is getting one of them. They are the cutest little things as they grow.

Here is a pic when they are 10 days old.

Would love to see pics of the mexican petunia sounds very interesting, I love petunias. I wasnt able to do a flower bed this year due to being on bedrest

But off to bed had a vey stressed day today, my car broke down again but its an easy fix yay so glad.

Hugs to all and have sweet dreams

[nicksdad]

[echofc]

Good Morning,

Dee The hedgehogs are adorable. Do they hibernate during the winter?

I bought myself a present today, a new lens for my camera. It should arrive Wednesday. Stacy would love this because she was always very encouraging about my photography. Next week I am going camping with my sister so hope to get a lot of use out of it. Stacy and I loved to go places and just look for unusual things to take pictures of. Miss her so much, but know she is in a better place and watching over us.

Sue

[hotrod]

JOEY, JOEY, JOEY SAYING YOUR NAME AND HOLDING WARM THOUGHTS OF YOU.

CLAUDIA MAY YOU FEEL THE WARMTH OF JOEY'S SPIRIT SURROUNDING YOU TODAY AND EVERYDAY

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Thank you all for your warm Birthday Wishes

Joey , Echo, Emilia'smom I do not know if I have welcomed you to our Indigo family I am glad you found us and are now part of our loving circle. I, like Sherry found this site about 1 year after I had lost my only son Stephen. I could not sleep and was searching for something that might help ease this pain. Indigo family has saved my sanity.

Emilia'smom Love the Picture of the hedgehog, glad that the car repairs are minor and Sue the new camera lens sounds exciting as does camping

Carol Damon in his pool so very sweet

Dee prayers for Earl It is a difficult journey he and his family has embarked upon

Dan love the tribute to Joey

Have a good day filled with warm thoughts of your angels

[ericasmom]

JOEY wrap your love around your Momma today and each day and let her feel your constant peace.

[dwsmithrn]

joey, joey, joey....hold your mom close today....keep letting her know you are safe and happy...send her your love today and everyday....

[dwsmithrn]

JUST FOR TODAY

I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child's death, but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.

I will remember my child's life, not his death, and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days and moments we shared.

I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help or comfort me the way i needed them to. They truly did not know how.

I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little of my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

I will free myself from my selfinflicted burden of guilt, for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.

I will honor my child's memory by doing something with another child, be it my own, or someone elses, because I know that would make my child proud.

I will offer my hand in friendship to another bereaved parent, for I do know how they feel.

I will allow myself to be happy and enjoy myself; for I know that I am not deserting him by living on.

I will remember that even death cannot take away the special love we shared and

I will accept that I did not die when my child did; my life did go on; and I am the only one who can make life worthwhile once more

author unknown

[dwsmithrn]

i found this on the SOS website and made a photo copy of it....i try to read it everyday....i cry every time i read it. i can't say as i can follow it, or believe in i it yet, but at least i am trying. it obviously was written by someone who feels our pain and sorrow.

i tried to follow it somewhat yesterday. i had a really bad day on friday and saturday didn't appear to be much better. i met up with my daughter and her children to weigh the baby at the office....he is now a whopping 10#10 oz. and of course, precious. anyway, avery, the 5 y/o was determined she wanted to go home with grandmother....so off we went. i had a couple of errands to run, and i admit, i was glad someone else was with me, as i still HATE being out in public by myself....it causes great anxiety for me...i knew if i ran into someone, they wouldn't dare confront me with avery there....selfish, huh?

when we got home, she DID cheer me up. she is smart and funny....has had an amazing sense of humor since she was at least 18 months old. we baked cupcakes, played 'doctor' with all kinds of strange equipment, played with the dog, even took a short nap, which i know i needed. she was a dollbaby.

and i admit, i needed her here very much.....so i guess i did 'honor my child's memory by doing something with another child'....and yes, nathan would be proud....he was so used to me being very involved with the grandkids. i know he was smiling down as he watched us play and could see avery laughing and mom smiling.

today, i am kind of worn out....but i can say, yesterday was a good day......

diane

[ericasmom]

Diane, I love the list you posted and while you may not feel as though you will be able to do all of these, you have certainly done some of them. I am so glad that you took Avery home with you and had a good time together. And I am sure that Nathan is very proud of you for all the steps you are taking now and for the wonderful Mom he has always loved.

Sue, I love that photo you posted yesterday of your Girl. She sure is pretty, that smile could launch ships. Please go easy on yourself and enjoy that camping trip. Signs and dreams come when they do, often when we least expect. She is with you, she is a part of you as you are of her. I know that that does nothing to stem that ache of missing, but one day it actually will bring you some measure of peace.

[shorty16]

Joey

Joey

Joey

Joey

Joey

Joey

Joey

Thinking of you Claudia and sending our love to you and yours. May the spirit of your angel bring a bit of sunshine to your day.

Colleen

[shorty16]

Diane

Thanks so much for sharing the list with us. Almost every one of those statements speek to me in one way or another. The guilt, the shame of having Brian died the way he did, etc.

Thanks again,

Colleen

[shorty16]

Sue

You are doing exacly what you need to do, which is live again. You should be very proud of yourself, because I am proud of you!!

Colleen

[shorty16]

Greg Johnson

I did not get the chance to welcome you to this wonderful place, but sorry you have to be here.

My 16 year old son died car-surfing on 6-19-2008. He was on the hood of a car and his "friend" drove 68 mph and hit a tree. Brian hit the ground and died within minutes. I am living a nightmare, but my friends here on this site help me through it. It has been 3 years and I am starting to live again. Most importantly, I am helping others through this grief journey.

Feel free to read, post and tell us about your brother Michael. All are welcome here and no-one judges. That, to me is the most important. I felt (and sometimes do) feel like a failure as a parent. How and why does a kid do this. What did I miss or did not do?

Those are questions that will never be answered until I meet my sweet son again in heaven.

Colleen

[Guest msnher]

Remembering Joey and Claudia today!

[shorty16]

Have you ever seen anything like this? This is a creampuff!

[ericasmom]

That cream-puff would land on my thighs and look very similar...YIKES! Did you have fun at the farmer's market?

I know that you know this Col, but it stands to be reminded sometimes...you did nothing wrong in the way you raised Brian, he simply followed his boyish and teenager thoughts that he was going to be fine. Danger not even entering his brain. Not because you did not properly prepare him for life, but because testosterone and groups of teens feeding off one anothers' energies do not allow for the teachings of parents. And when you are feeling that corner of guilt coming in remind yourself of what you will say to the other parents at the CF meetings, and what you have said here to other parents.

EMILIA"S MOM, love that hedgie photo. so cute.

[bus1851]

Made it through another weekend at work. It's been raining every day for a few weeks now so working is not so bad. We took a weekend trip to Pensacola,Fl last weekend that was very fun, except the seaweed had moved on the beach so we stayed in the pool mostly. The trip really got my mind off of being sad and depressed while we were there but then I got home and fell back into the old routine. I just try to keep busy with my kids before school starts. Daddy loves you Marley.

[lolynbo]

FEELIN ALOT BETTER...STILL HAVENT DROVE BUT MY SISTER IS HERE AND SHE DONT MIND DRIVING ME AROUND..WENT TO WM AND CEMETERY BOUT IT....

KODY IS N SAN ANTONIO HAVING A BLAST...DADDY AND I ARE MISSING HIM BADLY...HE SHLD BE HOME TUESDAY I THINK...

108 IN MY CAR TODAY ....WE NEED RAIN SO BAD...CEMETERY IS STILL GREEN (FADING BUT GREEN)...YARD IS DEAD AND CRISPY OUCHY...

I HOPE ALL IS WELL ...THINKING OF YALLLLLLL XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXO

18 DAYS TIL CRUISE..I NEED TO GET THINGS PACKED AND BOUGHT TO GO...ALOT TO DO...

[4everjoeysmom]

Thank You Dear Friends and Kindred Spirits! I have not forgotten you either....

xoxoxoxoxo

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

The petunia ..... how pretty. Never heard of a mexican petunia but wish I had some growing in my yard! Our yard is a mess! We had some landscaping done and it was such a poor job .... plants that don't tolerate sun, trees planted improperly, so much of it died. We called the young man back so many times we finally gave up. We found out the magnolia tree died because it had something wrapped around it that kept the tree from getting nutrients. Just plain sad ......

Prayers for Earl. We just never know do we?

Joey, Joey, Joey ....................

What a sweet hedgehog! Never thought about a hedgehog as a pet. You've taught me something! Thanks!

My foot is in a "boot" and I have crutches. I was able to put some weight on it today which was nice and makes getting around easier! I go the the doctor on Tuesday to have the dressing changed and seven days later, the stitches come out. I'll wear the boot for another four weeks and then all is suppose to be well. That's why I'm trying really hard to do as the "doctor orders". I don't want to prolong the healing process. Rich has been amazing and my touchstone. Don't know what I would do without him in my life!

Well, tomorrow will start another week ..... ready or not, here it comes ......

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, so glad to hear that you are beginning to heal and that you feel somewhat better. Keep following those doctors orders. Thinking of you. Yes, the petunia plant is about 2.5 feet tall, so cute though not perennial here maybe it would be where you are. Look it up and see. What a shame that the landscapers did a number on your trees adn plants, nothing nice about that. Expensive too. Our magnolia has been struggling for two years now with a fungal ickiness called SCALE. It attacks magnolias. We thought we had it nipped with the spraying we had a service do in the autumn, but sure enough, this spring, it returned. Might not make it.

CJ, glad taht you got away with the family and had fun. That is a big step and you should be quite proud of those steps, Marley must think so highly of her Dad for going out there and working and trying to live again.

[ericasmom]

Well, last evening we went to Jonathan and Shannon's for dinner with her Dad and his fiance' and Shan's sister and two sons, one of which I tutor. It was a great evening. They made pulled pork and corn on the cob adn texas toast and I brought asparagus-tomato salad and Michele made individual key-lime tarts. Appetizers was a knock out, it was Thai shrimp. Super good.

Lorri, I am glad that you are feeling better and that you are looking forward to the cruise. Super that Kody is having a blast but yes, I know that you miss him.

Today, John and I leave for a little vacation in SW michigan enjoying the lake and just being away. I am excited. We willleave after rush hour and when we are ready, being kind of relaxed about it. One of us will probably bring a laptop, either mine from school or his, so I will keep in touch.

[Guest msnher]

Enjoy your little vacation, Dee.

Lorri - I hope you're all healed up to enjoy your cruise.

The kids are out of summer school now. I took them out a week early. This would have been their last week. I asked a teacher "when do you guys go back to school?" several weeks ago. She answered the 18th, which would only give us one week to do all the things I had planned on two weeks time to do it in before school...dentists, eye doctor, physicals and shopping for school supplies. So I took the kids out of school. Turns out the teachers do, indeed, go back on the 18th - the teacher spoke the truth. But, the children don't go back until the 24th. The summer school staff chuckled when they saw me trying to digest my error...they said it was okay and to just have the kids read every day.

Dee, I've already admitted to blowing off my parental duties for the last year. Please know that I made sure they were fed, clothed, clean and hugged. I also want to tell you that I did go to their principal and talk to her about my lack of ability to "help" them with their school work....including reading to them. She was great and we set the kids up with the Boys and Girls club so they could be in "power hour" to get their homework done and read every day. I feel like I'm giving a disclaimer to my "I'm a horrible person" post when I thought about taking myself out. I digress, Last night I had the kids read to me. I only had Jasmine read two pages of the book she was reading to me (I was very impressed with her ability to sound out some difficult words). I had Maria read a joke from her joke book - the book she had chosen to read...(The kids have to read for 30 minutes before bedtime - we've had that rule since we got them, that never changed) Jonathon knew the title and author of his book (which at this time I can't remember) And we read two pages together....I would stop and let him read when we came to words I knew he knew.

Here's my dilimna....three kids...three separate readings. Takes time, obviously. Is there an easier way? Today, because I messed up summer school, our new "thing" is they each have to read to me before they can play. (We began limiting their TV time when I woke out of my depression). I've tried, before, to have Mariah read to the younger children.

Okay...here's my question. If I read one book to all of them at the same time do they still benefit?

Gosh, that question took so long to explain (which may not have been necessary) that I've forgotten what else I wanted to post. Good time to stop, I reckon.

Jonathon's birthday is this Saturday. He's excited about it. I expected him to say something about his mom because she died three days after his fifth birthday but no one has mentioned it, yet. Except for Gary...he told me his bosses needed him in Montana during that time, but if I needed him home he would tell them no. He is a saint, isn't he!? I told him I was doing well and the approaching date isn't bothering me at all. Well, it wasn't bothering me THAT day. It's sure knocking at my door on THIS day, though. I'm doing a lot of self scolding "Knock it off, Susannah!" Telling myself there is nothing different about this time of year than last week. I refuse to succumb to my bed again...but, yesterday I did...I went to bed.

I went to Steph's virtual memorial and just stared at her picture.

The day she died - driving home from the hospital - she hadn't even been dead for three hours, yet...I dialed her voice mail repeatedly to hear her voice.

Steph left a message on my phone on Jonathon's birthday. 8:10am - August 6th, 2009. "Hi Mom. I just called to talk to J. J. Okay. I love you. Bye". I still have it on my phone. I haven't had to listen to it for a while, but I listened to it yesterday. It left me empty. What's up with that? What's the empty feeling?

I'm NOT suicidal. Please believe that. And, I don't have time to be sad right now. Just sorting the emotions.

Love you all, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Sus, for now, cause I have to go, the short answer is stagger the reading times, one while you are cooking dinner, one at mid afternoon for 10 minutes, the other at breakfast for 10 minutes. You want a short aloud time to just make sure of their fluency and then you can ask them questions about things to check on comprehension. One book all three, hard one with those ages but doable. They do benefit from being read to, absolutely.

[lolynbo]

KODY COMES HOME TODAY...4 DAYS AND ITS LIKE FOREVER....POOR KID WONT NEVER GET TO LEAVE HOME...

I SHLD BE FINE BY CRUISE TIME...GONNA TRY TO DRIVE TOM AND WORK AT KOURTNEYS KLOSET...CANT LIFT AND ALL BUT I CAN DO PAPERWORK...

I THGT I WAS REALLY EATING THE LORTABS BUT I ONLY TOOK 6...SO I DID GOOD...I THOUGHT I TOOK ALMOST ALL 30 OF THEM LOL...WLD I DO THE SURGERY AGAIN AHHHHHH NOPE...

HUGGS TO ALL....JOEY JOEY JOEY..XOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXXO

FRIKN SO HOTT HERE SO SICK OF IT...100-108 GRASS HURTS TO WALK ON DEAD......WE NEED RAINN BADDDDDDD

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Lori so glad to hear Kody is returning, that you are feeling better and recovering. Your honesty is so refreshing!!!!

Dee Time with JOn and his bride to be is alwasy special I do hope you enjoy your vacation I will miss you.

Bonnie Please be gentle with your self I had surgery a few years ago on my ankle and needed to wear that boot It was very successful. Praying for your speedy recovery.

Sherry I know we were taliking about Hay recently and how your land is farmed but not sure if it is time for your annual harvesting and canning from the garden I so enjoy hearing about that process.

Betsy I hope you are taking care of yourself and only doing what you can. In my thoughts.

Sus glad you decided to give the children a little time off to enjoy the summer. Never doubted you care taking ability

My 3 eaglets have flown away and "I have empty nest feelings literally. : I have watched them from the time they were in the egg in April to yesterday It was fun and exciting and now I feel a little sad Life goes on.

Have a good day Indigos

[echofc]

I just came home and found a potted Rose of Sharon with a big bow. The note said that when she lost her son someone gave her a plant that she could watch grow and blossom every year. She named it "Joey" after her son and it gives her comfort. I have to find a special place to put my "Stacy" plant. And it is pink her favorite color.

Sue

[hotrod]

Dear Sue

That is a very thoughtful friend and a lovely gift. I too received a "RoseBush" in honor of Stephen and when it blooms every year I feel so close to him

Find a great spot to plant your Stacy Plant It will give you much comfort!!

[shellyku]

Good Evening to all you fine people! Just got home a few hours ago from a weekend

in Sea Isle City, NJ. Andy, Sarah's husband, invited us to a beachfront home his father

and stepmom rent for a week each year. They live in Algonquin, IL (are you familiar Dee?)

and bring their whole family to Sea Isle. It was quite wonderful...quiet, relaxing, and these

folks are very good company. Just wanted to say hi to everyone and will definitely check

in tomorrow when I can catch up and join in the conversation. I'm afraid now that I feel

more comfortable chatting with you, you're not going to be able to shut me up...just a

warning! Have a wonderful, peaceful evening and hope all of us dream of our precious

angels! Shelly

[Guest msnher]

My day didn't go as planned at all! I had lunch with friends and learned that another friend was in a motorcycle accident last night. He is around 40yrs old. He wasn't wearing a helmet. He had brain surgery last night and then again this morning. I accompanied another friend to visit him in the ICU. I was surprised they let us both in, but they did. Don was in a drug/medical induced coma. He is still quite critical. I prayed with my friend whose best friend was killed in a motorcycle accident (in front of him) two weeks after Steph died. I just prayed "Thy will be done".

I then joined a young woman at her initial court appearance.....DUI. Today was the first time I met her so I don't really know her, I just didn't want her to be alone in court.

Because of that, I was able to put my sorrow on the back burner. I was also exhausted and sick to my stomach. Yet, I'm okay. It was hard to stand by Don's bed, in ICU. I felt great empathy for his family. And, I found myself grateful we weren't put in that situation with Stephanie. Not that I'm giving up hope on Don, but his brain injuries are severe. If he survives they are not sure what kind of life he will have. This is a man that I have respected and admired for years. He is humble and well spoken. He is also a runner. A health nut. And, then I found myself thinking he might just make a full recovery. We never know. I was torn between jumping ship and getting the hell out of the hospital to being there for my friend. My friend's need won over.

In the court house I thought of all the times I showed up, in court, with Stephanie. Sheese that girl got into some trouble driving! The girl I went with was just 28 - the same age Steph was when she died.

Just venting.

[mikesmum]

Dear Sue

That is a very thoughtful friend and a lovely gift. I too received a "RoseBush" in honor of Stephen and when it blooms every year I feel so close to him

Find a great spot to plant your Stacy Plant It will give you much comfort!!

After Mike died the Ambulance crews from here and those that attended bought me a deep red velvet rose.....its the centre rose in my rose garden. Like you Betty, when it blooms I feel closer to Mike. Its beauty and perfume not lost on me..

Our earth mother DEE, sent me an email saying that she is having trouble logging in from her laptop while she is away.

She wants you all to know she is thinking of you even while she is away.

A mild day here, temp in the low 20'sC with just a hint of a breeze. Went out with Mal for a light lunch, seafood risotto. We sat out on the sidewalk sipping wine and basking just like tourists. Healesville, Yarra Valley is a 'must do' destination!

Time for a little light domestic work....folding and ironing...the downside to a sunny day.. Can't complain, I went to Calligraphy and when I came home the floors were mopped and polished, the grass cut and the Muttley Dog had been walked....not sure who this guy is but if he keeps this up he might just get the job......

[Guest msnher]

I read it in the news. A 17 yr old accidentally shot his 16 yr old buddy in the face. He didn't know the gun was loaded. The 16 yr old died. They haven't released his name yet...the victim's name. I just got a message from a friend that it was another friend's son.

Oh my God. I must go to her as soon as I can get arrangments made for the kids. Her name is Melanie. Please pray for her.

[shorty16]

Sus - You are an angel to accompany that woman into court. Court is a very steril place where facts replace the deep emotion and reality slaps us in the face. Then going to the ICU with another friend - WOW. It does sure help us to help others. The newbies say things to us that if said to others would result in a call to the funny farm. We know how that is.

Shellyku - Please post, we will never say you talk too much. This place is a haven for me. I have learned so much about myself and this journey from reading others experiences. This is truly a wonderful place.

Sue - The first Mother's day after Brian's death, I received a flower arrangement from Brian's cornea recipient. He had also lost a son at 17 to menengitus. He said someone sent his wife flowers on her first Mother's day and it really meant alot to her. He wanted to pass it forward. I did the same to a Mother in the Wisconsin area who lost her son in a car accident. Passing it forward makes us feel like we can contribute to the mental health of another not as far down the grief journey as us. Treasure "Stacy", she will give back to you.

Betty - 3 eaglets - how cool. You must live in a wonderful area to have Mother Nature bless you like that. May they return and give you joy next year also.

Trudi - Today, Wisconsin is a sauna - 95 degrees and 92% humidity. Really ugly. Caligraphy is a wonderful skill that can be used in so many ways. About the Wisconsin calendar - Have you tried to find Australian holidays on this US calendar? I still laugh at how many times I looked and looked for Father's day and the 4th of July and thought to myself "I know these are holidays - what the heck is with this calendar" only to remember it came from my friend in Australia. Still makes me laugh how much of an air-head I can be.

Dee - Are you as hot and humid as we are?? WOW, I do not handle this heat well. My favorite season is Fall. Fall in Wisconsin is BEAUtiful. Scott and I will just drive on a Sunday afternoon and witness the glory of Mother Nature. Stay cool my friend.

Love to all my friends and their angels

Colleen, Brian's (AKA Brain's) Mother Forever

[echofc]

I am going away next week to camp and relax. I think I am ready to read some books that may help me with my grief. Does anyone have any suggestions? Sue

[shorty16]

Sus - I will pray for Melanie and her family. This "accident" will be very tought to deal with. The "What-ifs", "I shoulda, coulda, woulda's" will haunt her and her family for a long time. I still cannot believe how my son died. That "On the hood of a car going 68 mph" just does not register in my brain. I find myself shaking my head in dis-belief several times a day - 3 years later. Just does not compute.

Please tell your friend she is not alone - Their are others walking in her shoes.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Trudie Thanks for the Update on " Dee," our Indigo Earth Mother. So glad she could reach out and contact you. You and Mal dining at the sidewalk cafe and sipping wine sounds perfect. Add a calligraphy class, someone else doing the floors , the lawn and walking Mutley it sounds like a perfect day. Glad you experienced that .

Sus So sorry to hear about the accident ---Praying for Melanie

Shellyku I am glad that you now feel comfortable sharing your day Your time at the New Jersey shore sounds like a nice break for you. The company and the house sound great . My sister lives right on the beach in Deal NJ. I am off for a visit today and tomorrow. Hope the weather is good.

Colleen ol it is wonderful that you were thanked by the family who received Brian's cornea. What a wonderful gift you unselfishly gave. The eaglets that I watch are on a web cam and I sit in my living room, on the internet and watched them gtow. It was great. Stay cool.

Sue Glad that you are going camping Hope the weather is good and that you are recharged by your walks in nature and the outdoors.

Rhonda, Betsy, Leah, Diane, Carol, Sue and all Indigos walk with gentle memories of your angels today

[ericasmom]

HI GUYS,

the hotel computer worked, for some reason ours did not. ODD! I am havoc near anything mechanical though.

Hey Sus, what horrid news about the young man on the motorcycle and my prayers go to his side, hoping for what will be best for him at this point. As far as Melanie losing her boy to gunshot? OH MY ACHING HEART. We will be praying for her as she enters that most abstract and ugly time in this journey...

As for you miss Trudi, thanks for sending my messages to our little family here. I am excited to know that I can get on here. HOORAY!

I wish you all a good day,l a healthy day, a peaceful day.

[dwsmithrn]

hi everyone....i am so sad for the motorcycle accident victim and the 16 y/o gunshot victim....doesn't matter the age, it is tragic no matter what age. they are still someone's child....do you not agree? it is a horrible pain to bear....as we all know too well...i am so sorry. i so hate to hear of new ones that have to be on this journey. it is such a devastating path to have to follow and learn to walk.

i am so impressed that some of you do such wonderful things for others, even in your own grief and pain. i can see myself in the future, far future, helping someone through a suicide...now that i have been going through this horrific journey....i know i am not nearly ready to do that now, i need to continue to heal, but i can so see myself talking to others down the road. it is just too painful to do this alone. don't know what i would have done with out you all.

i leave tomorrow for ft. walton beach, fl....i am happy to go, but a little anxious, too. i love my oldest son dearly. i know he, his wife and 3 children are looking forward to my visit, i too am looking forward to it, but somehow, the usual 'excitement' just isn't quite the same. the last time i went to visit, nathan flew in at the same time and we all had a great time together. those are the pictures i have in my mind. it seems every step on this journey is hard on the heart.

i know i will have a good time, despite my broken heart. i am sure going to try. i almost feel like i should tell patrick i am sorry i couldn't save his brother, though. i feel so responsible. the guilt i carry is so strong and burdensome. jim said i shouldn't say anything about it. if we want to talk about nathan, ok, but he said i shouldn't bear my burdens of the heart on patrick....what do you all think??????? i think i need some guidance here, because i am still so racked with guilt. i think it is what stifles me on this path of grief. i can't move on down the road towards healing because of this guilt i carry. can anyone tell me what i should do next?

hope you all have a great day and i want so much for your angels to touch you today....i'm still waiting for another visit from nathan. i live for that now. love, diane

[briansdad]

I found this on my Facebook. I sent it to my neice a couple of years ago.She lived in Paris and didn't get to see Brian grow up. I guess it gives some perspective to where I was and where I am today.

Trish, people in our club ( bereaved parents ) never are going to get over losing our child.We try to learn to live with it.Some days we do well others not so good.When your mom and dad had you guys I was just a kid myself but it made me realize one thing, and that was when I grew up I wanted to be a dad. Not a fireman, not a cop,or a pilot.A dad.The best days of my whole life were my wedding day and the day my kids were born.That's it...If I was good at those two things,being a husband and a dad then my life would be complete.I grew up without my dad and now I have to grow old without Brian.A rough deal any way you look at it but I go on for my wife,my other kids and Brian's daughter.And yes no matter how old your children get you will always worry.Cherish the time with them because you never know.I wish you could have known Brian because he was a trip.A lot like his stupid old man.You know that the morning he died he came into my bedroom to borrow my leather motorcycle gloves and before he left he gave me a big buggs bunny kiss on my forehead. It was a gift from God.He also got to see his baby off to school just minutes before he died. That was Gods gift to her.We also had gone to visit Rob at SEMO the Sat. before he died and when we left he and Rob hugged.Maybe he knew his time was short.But he left this world loving his family. The day he died he had a date with a new girl he met. Brian left this world on top.Loving and being loved.THAT is all any parent can ask for their kids.What makes me the most sad is when the family won't talk about Brian. Maybe fear that it will make me sad or cry but believe me that just wouldn't be the case.It will be five years in Sept.

Just doesn't seem real still. So I do the best I can each day and hope that God allows me to join my son when my time comes.As far as getting stronger .... If the first years didn't kill me nothing will. My wounds just get thicker scars and it takes more to make them bleed.I miss Brian everyday and I alway will. I miss all my extended family, neices and nephews because I'm not the same uncle Greg I used to be and I know all of you feel that. I do miss what used to be.

[rlolheiser]

I don't have much to say, just reading.

It is so sad all the pain people have to go through, I wish there was another route for people. I brought up something to my oldest daughter the other day about troubles in the world, and she just told me that she does'nt listen to the news anymore. She can't stand it. I think it is wrong to ignore the world. It helps us realize we don't have it so bad somedays, and she thinks I am cold and not caring... guess it depends on how you look at it. I don't bury myself in the sadness of the world, but I still pray for it.

Mom is coughing a lot, she won't go see the dr. She has an appointment on the 12th, then she has no choice, but then again, if it gets any worse, she won't have a choice anyway. She may be bullheaded, but I learned from the best.

Susannah, school starts here on the 24th, right now I only have my little guy going. No extra grands, how I wonder if it will be the same by the end of the year. You do so much, taking care of kids isn't easy, but you have so much love that you spread to all around you. I guess what I am saying is if you miss reading here or there.. the kids are so much better off just having your love. For the tragedy facing your friends, they are in my thoughts and prayers, and may you stay strong walking with them.

Diane, I hope you find enjoyment in your visit. Don't feel guilty, you owe no apolgies, you only need to give love. whatever the cause of the loss of the angels, I have seen we all feel guilty, it is a normal response, the should haves, could haves, wishes.. but we can't change things that happen, all we can do is pull strength from the sadness, and find something in us that will honor the lives of our angels. Even in the times we don't want to be strong, we have to find it. I think that is what being a mother is, for the children gone or the children here, we find strength, and when we can't thats when we come here to read, listen, talk, pray, and hope that the strength comes back little by little.

I know my strength and courage comes and goes, and without this site and all you wonderful people, I wouldn't have made it.

Dee, I hope you have a great time. I know Eri will be with you each step and enjoy the time with you.

Bonnie, glad your foot is on the mend, glad your taking care of yourself.

Carol, hope you and Ralph are doing well.

I know I have others I should talk with, but time goes so fast for me. Betty, Betsy, Shelly, Sherry, Lorri, Kathy, Trudi, Greg, Dan, Coleen, Shelly, Rhonda, all my Indigo family... your not far away, your always in my thoughts

[Brendan's Daddy]

Hi everybody. I just wanted to check in and say hello. I have been reading a lot lately, but haven't had the energy to post. Some of your posts have helped me so very much. Brian's dad your post was great. I feel the same way. I just want to be a good husband and father. Now living without Brendan almost seems like too much. Susanah your posts always help me. Many of your posts show me that I am not alone. That the way I am feeling is normal. I want to leave this earth so badly. I just don't want to be here anymore. I feel so guilty for feeling that way, but I can't change it. I fantasize about leaving this place and taking all this pain away. At the same time I understand that I cannot leave this world. Not now. I have to be a husband and I have to be a daddy to Jackson. I just miss Brendan so very much. It will be 8 months without him on Thursday and I still cannot believe he is gone. I still cannot look at his picture without a breakdown. Will I ever be able to look at my son's picture again without crying?

I am sorry. I feel like I am rambling on again. I am just pretty down again this morning. Things are moving forward for our family. We are looking at breaking ground on our new home in three weeks. Thank you all for the support you have given me. I pray for you all every day.

Thinking of you

Brendan's daddy - Tony

[heartbeataway]

Dee,

Logged in to leave your message and found that Miss Trudi already did ..... it was good to see your post too!

Doc visit today ..... changed the dressing, all is well and the stitches will come out on the 13th. I can sleep without the boot once the stitches come out.

So much talk of plants that I caught today. A neighbor in Texas left a lavender plant on our front porch after Jay left. I tried but couldn't keep it alive .... I guess I didn't try hard enough?

Tony ..... I have so been where you are. I shared with a friend recently how hard it was for me to keep going after Jay left. I was just lost without him. Before I met Rich, Jason and I were maneuvering through life together. We faced a lot of challenges and hardships together which I believe only made our bond stronger. I just didn't want to live this life without him in it ..... plain and simple.

This is an excerpt from a note I sent to her:

In all the horror of losing Jay, I had Rich. And he made himself available. There were times I would call him and with all honesty and with a voice that shook from crying, I would tell him that I just don't think I can do "this" anymore.

Friends that had traveled from Texas to Virginia for Jason's memorial service just would not leave us alone .... I can say bless them now.

But they insisted we go to dinner one night. I truly did not want to go but did, it seemed important to Rich. I was there but not really ..... (does that make any sense?)

On the way home, Rich was asking if I enjoyed the evening and the truth was that it was okay but I just wasn't into it.

I started crying and told him that I just wanted to be where Jason was, I just couldn't continue to live with the loss .... I didn't want to live with the loss.

He then said something that changed me, he told me he understood and at times felt the same way .... but, he said how could you do that to me? I lost Jason too. How could you put me through this hell again? How can you even think about it? And what about all the other people who love you? How could you do it to them?

I started to realize how selfish it was for me to be so self absorbed in my loss. There are so many people who love Jay ..... yes, I was his mom but I wasn't the only one who lost his presence in their life when his heart stopped.

Last year at Pinnacle Days, when Rich and I welcomed everyone, I stood there and all I could think of as I looked out at everyone who came was, Wow, son, see how much you're loved ...... see how much you're loved. It was overwhelming and very humbling.

So, in my own small way, I understand. And I'm really, really sorry.

But, let me be there for you, don't hide from the ones who care and reach out to you. It will be hard and it will stretch you to lengths you will not be sure you can reach. Just try and do the best you can ..... baby steps love and deep breaths.

So, I say to you Tony ..... baby steps love and deep breaths.

For Pinnacle Days this year IF it works out, the niece of the young man Jay considered a brother is going to play her guitar and sing Alan Pedersens song, Tonight I Hold This Candle. I know how much she meant to Jason and how much Jason meant to her. I remember her coming up and sitting down next to me at the visitation. She just hugged me and cried her little heart out. She remembered Jason scooping her up off the hot sand at the beach and putting her on his shoulders so her little feet wouldn't burn. What a sweet tribute to him for her to sing. I may use glow sticks instead of actual candles but it will still be a sweet, sweet tribute to him and also a time for others there who have suffered loss to honor their loved ones.

If anyone lives close enough to join us at The Cove in Gore, VA on the weekend of September 17th. Please know you are more than welcome. It's a camping, jeeping, barbecue, music and fellowship good time!

Well, I am just getting carried away with this post! Probably putting everyone to sleep if you read this far! Take care ...... <3!

[dwsmithrn]

oh, tony....i so know how you feel....it has been 6 months for me,and i feel that same agonizing pull toward nathan....i know i can't go...i know i need to stay here and be a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a nurse (even if i haven't gone back to work yet)..it is so overwhelming to think i am supposed to ALL those things and i can't even be myself yet, or ever for that matter.....i know i NEED to be these things. i haven't really been those things yet. i think i TRY, but the grief and pain and the MISSING our angels are just so overwhelming that it is hard to move forward even with the tiniest of steps. we are going to make it, though...we ARE going to MAKE it. we have to. we could not possibly leave our families with this type of pain that we feel, could we? it would not be fair to them to make them feel worse than they already do. they are all grieving the loss too and if we left, they would have to grieve another loss....and that is just not fair. we have to be here. we don't have to be strong and we are forever changed. they all have to accept that...but we have to be here. just keep coming here....keep talking it through with us. tell us whatever is on your mind....but keep talking . we are in this together, as terrible and painful as it is. why our angels? why us? i don't know....but we are here for you, we are all holding on to you, and we are all holding hands, here together. don't let go....i know i can't let go...even if i hang on by a thread some days....i won't let go.

keep talking and holding on, tony...

friends forever, here on this site......diane

[shorty16]

Indigos

I do not know how many of your angels were organ, tissue, or eye donors, but we donated all we could of Brian. Since Brian died at the scene, the major organs could not be donated. He donated everything else except his body, we had Brian cremated.

To date, Brian has help 30 people from all over the US - even though he was not an organ donor. Isn't that wonderful. My boy lives on in 30 people, helping them to live their lives to the fullest.

I am so proud of Brian's final gift to the world.

Colleen

[dwsmithrn]

col...i think that is wonderful....nathan was a donor, but he died on the scene, and the way he died did not allow him to donate anything.

i am proud that brian could donate and that it makes you happy to be able to say he lives on in 30 other people. he is an angel, in so many ways.

bless you and bless brian......diane

[Brendan's Daddy]

Diane and Bonnie. Thank you so much for the encouragement. I have just been in a bad place lately. Trust me, I have no plans to take my own life. I would never do that to my wife, son, family and friends. I just can't stop fantasizing about it. I am guessing that is normal when you are so sad all the time. Thank you for the support. I so appreciate everybody on this site, even if I don't express that enough.

Colleen. I think it is great that Brian is living in so many others. I wish we could have helped more people with Brendan. He was so badly hurt internally that we could not save any of his organs. We were able to use one of his heart valves, but that was all that was used. My little man was just too hurt on the inside. I was told we would hear something about who Brendan helped with his heart valve, but we still have not heard anything. I really hope he was able to help somebody.

I love you B-Diddy!!

[briansdad]

Here is what we received for Brian's donations.He also died at the scene so I was surprised when they asked me.