Loss of an Adult Child

[mamabets]

For Kirksdad- I was just in my room , and thoughts of you came over me, as I thought of all that you have so selflessly done for our family here at Beyond Indigo, in spite of your own heartache and pain. I hope that you know that it never goes unnoticed by any of us, and we all know that you put a tremendous amount of love and work into this. I happen to have a tremendous amount of free time to do nothing but think about stuff like this- I am an "emptynester", except for my puppy dogs, and I don't have to work outside of the home. My hubby does alot inside of the home too, and while I feel like a prisoner in my own grief at times, this place called home with all of you has really kept my soul alive throughout these lonely, lonely days and nights without my Danny. He was such a HUGE part of my life, for so many, many reasons, and it is difficult to continue on at times because I feel as if I don't even know "me" anymore. But, I know all of you here get it and please know, that I think I can speak for all of us here... Bless you and may you have a blessed holiday, remembering that you are loved here with us, and that Kirk stands tall, here , there and everywhere, so proud that you are his dad... xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Mazey2- I just posted for Kirksdad, before reading your post to me!! Please, if you would, look at all of the similarities!!! We are all connected, all of us and all of our angels. It is not by mere coincidence that tonight I wrote this to Jim. There are no coincidences, especially after losing a child. That I think we can all agree upon, however I had become to believe in therapy many, many years ago that there aren't any coincidences period. What a miracle, though, for all that they can read all that just transpired between these two posts tonight... Yours to me and mine to Jim. Bless you and I ache for you as I think of your painful loss. They are all playing tonight, our angels, and proud of the love that we are sharing here between us. And, a woof from Taz... She is right there with them, playing with Timmy the Golden and Peaches the Bassett and Dolly the collie and Carrie the cocker and Abby the lhaso and.. Woody and Willie, just to name a few!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For All- My e-mail is huntross4@aol.com, for those that may want to e-mail. xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Mazey2- I see that you are from Illinois- My daughter Jackie lives in Hainesville, a niece in Chicago and a nephew in Evanston!! xoxo mamabets

[kirksdad]

Mamabets, thank you, it means a lot to hear what you have to say. You are so supportive of everyone. It has been hard posting the last month, so much has been going on. We have a family in town that just had their daughter murdered by a real sick individual. We have talked with them a couple of times the last week and it has been very hard for them, for us too, as their daughter was in Kirk's class. I look into this mother and father's eyes and see the total devastation that we felt after Kirk's death. The tired, empty feeling that haunts us all. It has been so hard for them because, of course, their daughter's death has been in all the newspapers. Yesterday we took them out for dinner and it was so hard for them because the creep that took their daughter's life was in the local paper again, front page, smiling as his charges were read. They are going to have a long hard road to travel with all that went on and will be going on as this guy goes through the court system. The reminders of our son's death and the fellings, this time of the year, are just overpowering. God, I wish they didn't have to go through this, I wish none of us had ever heard of this site, but we have, and it has been very helpful in progressing through the darkness.

For all that post here: You are not alone here, everything you say or do has meaning to all of us, there is nothing that you feel that we don't all have some idea about. Although each of us have lost our children in different ways the total devastation is the same.

[briansdad]

I've been sitting here reading posts trying to take my mind off today.It just hit me.Brian died on a Thurs. and today-Thurs.we put our dog to sleep.My wife cried herself to sleep and I have to say that is one of the most helpless feelings I've ever had.Next to the day the Highway Patrolman told me Brian was gone.I wish I could do more than just hold her.Help her some how.I know it's probably the same for all of you but it is so frustrating for me.Then out of no where I had this urge to hug Brian.I know I'm stating the obvious but I loved him so much.Not trying to be a downer but it's just been that kind of day.

Thanks to all for being here.

[mamabets]

For Briansdad- As you held your wife tonight, as many men do not because they simply don't know how, you had the urge to hold Brian, because Brian was in fact, holding you...Just like leading the way with the pennies, you may now lead the way with helping some of the guys learn how to "hug and hold" to those that promised to "have and to hold.." They too have struggled. You are stronger and more "up" than you give yourself credit for. I love you- xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Kirksdad- I have often thought to myself- This could be worse- My Danny could be missing or he could have been murdered. Please, tell your friends that I am with them by heart, Kirk, and trust me, they are blessed to have you and your family with them to help them stand...xoxomamabets

[julsmom]

TO ALL - Thank you for prayers and support yesterday. I kept looking for a sign from Julie, asking her to send an "angel" to help me through. At the end of the day, when my husband and I went for dinner, there was the bereavement counselor who had helped me through some tough times. It was just good to be held by someone who understood me and why yesterday was just so miserable.

TO BRIANSDAD - that helplessness just overwhelms everything we do. And as for you trying to help your wife, I am sure like all of us, you can help each other through the tough times, but this is a tough time for both of you. You are going through it together. You are trying to be strong for each other. Yet you each need comforting. That has been one of the hard things for my husband and myself to do. No great words of wisdom for you though, I wish I had them. Other than to say we know and we understand.

May we all find peace. Lynda

[rmcaggiano]

To Kathy714

No apologies needed here! I do appreciate you post! I do know that none of our

feelings are the same, except what we feel having lost our children. This time

as you and everyone know, is very hard, This is the First Christmas in 21yrs.

without my Nicholas, when I went upstairs the other day to take out some Christmas ornaments his was the first stocking lying at the top! As everyone knows, life isn't the same. Christmas this time is very, very painful, not just for me but for ALL.

Thank everyone for praying and thinking of me and my son. I too remember to ALWAYS pray for all of you and your children.

Rose

[jajjaaj]

It has been so frustrating entering the holiday season. April passed away just 2 weeks before Thanks Giving last year. My husband wanted to help me avoid cooking by going to his Aunt and Uncles. They are wonderful people and always have a huge shing-ding. At this time in my life, I didn't want to be around people and wanted something small with our children still at home. When Christmas came (1 ½ months after April passed), I did have a need to be with my mom, brothers, sister and older children in another state. It was good to be with them. We did not have anything at home that remotely looked like Christmas... and I didn't care. This year stayed the same, I wanted to be at home with my family. The older children moved back to Colorado and so spent Thanks Giving with us together as a family. I actually enjoyed having all of my children with me (or 4 of my children minus April). For Christmas, I'm staying home, I do not have any decorations, no tree. I don't want them. In the past, it was April that always headed the project. She would tell the younger kids where to put everything, how to do the tree. I had extreme pleasure sitting on the couch watching the kids do all this. April also made sure the tree came down after New Years. Now, it is not the same and I don't really care. I like that there are no reminders in my house of Christmas' past or present. Problem is when friends get really excited about the season and have everything from the tree to the fence post decorated, they want to know why I haven't started. BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO. Next question is, "Why not?" It has been 1 year, 1 month and 13 days since losing one of the most beautiful people in my life. She was such an awesome person, with so many aspirations. It may have been a year for others, but for me it was just yesterday. It has been the most painful thing that could ever have happened in my life. People tell me all the time, "But you are so strong." Yes, I was, but the loss of my baby girl is what brought me to my knees. So while it may have been more than a year for outsiders, it was yesterday for me... I want others to understand this. I do not want more expected of me than I can deliver. Or treat me like I am some kind of bad person for not getting back into their joys. I don't know when I will, but it is not today, most likely not tomorrow, and may not be for many years.

Thank you for listening and hope your days are what YOU want them to be.

April's Mom, Cyndi

[mamabets]

For Jajjaaj- I am with you- I am doing nothing here- Getting some things packed up to send out to the little ones, and that will be full of joy for me!! It is all about the little ones, and outside of that, I am coasting right through this. I admire you for being yourself. Keep the faith...xoxomamabets

[kevsmom]

I've read so many recent posts that could have been sent by me, this year is also our first Christmas without Kevin, we've been unable to do much to acknowledge the season at all. Steve, my husband & Kev's father, sent out a beautiful Christmas card that he designed in memory of Kevin with a few photos of him - it was a labor of love and something that I think was theraputic. Gift buying has been limited to gift certificates - I'm probably Harry & David's best customer this year. We are going away for Christmas, we both felt being in the house would be too painful - don't know if this will turn out to be what we're hoping for, just going with our instincts, what else is there. Our daughter and son in law are going with us - we're planning to light a candle for Kevin early Christmas morning. I have a small lantern in my front flower bed in which I light a tea lite candle every night - my neighbor started it after the accident and I've continued - that small light is very comforting to me and I pray that Kev can see it.

Wishing peace to you all

Irene

[rhonda68]

Dear Cyndi and others I thought these points may be helpfull:

1. I beleive grief is a process that involves alot of time, energy and determination. I won't "get over it" in a hurry, so don't rush me!

2. I beleive grief is intensely personal. This is my greif. Don't tell me how I should be doing it. Don't tell me whats right or wrong. I'm doing it my way, in my time.

3. I beleive grief is affecting me in many ways. I am being affected spiritually, physically, emotionally,socially and mentally. If I'm not acting like my old self, its because I'm not my old self and somedays, even I don't understand myself.

4. I beleive I will be affected in some way by this loss for the rest of my life. As I get older, I will have new insights into what this death means to me. My loved one will continue to be a part of my life and influence me until the day I die.

5. I beleive I am being changed by this process. I see life differently. Some things that were once important to me aren't anymore. Some things I used to pay little or no attention to are now important. I think a new me is emerging, so don't be surprised - and don't stand in the way.

John Kennedy Saynor

Love,

Richards Mom

[mamabets]

For Rhonda68- It is amazing the things that emerge and the feelings that surface after something like the loss of a child has altered our lives. I am so aware, more so everyday, how I am not, and will never be the person that I once was. I am in no way willing to try to be anything or anyone that I am not now. I hurt all over and when I do anything that reminds me of the "old" me, all it does is remind me of the fact that my Danny met head on with a semi truck not too long ago. All of us know this agony, I am certainly not alone. However, I do have hope that one day I will be"stuck" in the happiness only that his life brought to mine- I think that it is a place that we all can, and will, one day get to. It just takes time and for those of you that are helping me to get there, I thank you!! xoxomamabets

[maskott]

Today I think is the worst day I've had since Matthew died. I have never felt this miserable. Yesterday, when I got home from work, a present had arrived from my sister in law. She had sent a Christmas ornament with Matthew's picture on it. It's beautiful and is dead center on our tree, but it made me cry. We immediately headed out to the wake of Jeff's cousin. She was 53 and just died instantly-we haven't heard why yet. Her son found her on the floor. 3rd wake since Matthew's and I still can't get through one without sobbing. Heard a song this morning that got me crying again. Now, I'm missing him like crazy and all I have going through my mind is Matthew saying to me "Mom, I don't want to die". Twice, when he came home from his psychiatrists office, his blood pressure was sky high and the doctor said he could have a stroke or heart attack. That's when he said it. I envision him in his chair saying "Mom, I don't want to die" I can't get it out of my head and I can't stop crying. I was laying in bed crying when I finally decided I needed to tell someone and I hope all of you don't mind. I have never felt like this since he died. I feel so hopeless.

BettyAnn

[rhonda68]

Dear mamabets,

My son also was hit by a semi truck and that thought just rages inside me I wish I could pull that out of my head but that is where my life stopped. To tell you the truth I really dont want to go on without him its just not right. Everyday my heart is sick and no one cares or understands. The only thing pulling me through is knowing I have to look after my other son. where would he be if i ws gone no father,no mother and no brother. And it makes me ill to think of all the pain my son has endured in 16 years! When is enough enough!

Love,

Richards Mom

[jajjaaj]

Rhonda68,

Thank you so much for sharing the points of grief. How important for all of us. I believe it gives us the impowerment to be where and what we need when we need it and not because someone else says we do. I hope you don't mind, I wanted to print it and pass it on. Again, thank you.

April's Mom forever, Cyndi

[jajjaaj]

Mamabets,

I feel funny saying this as the sentence sounds like an oxymoron, but... I'm so happy that I am not alone in this. That it is o.k. to just do what we need to do and not what others expect from us. It is a relief knowing that I am normal and that no one here would tell me otherwise (unless I really am nuts, but I think I am anyway at this point).

Sure hoping all of you can just feel comfortable in your skin with the decisions you choose and I hope that others will understand with greater compassion.

Many hugs,

Cyndi

[mamabets]

For jajjaaj- Having been such a compassionate person my entire life, ouch... How it stings so when the people that you love the most, hold the least amount of compassion... Oh well, one hour at a time...xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Maskott- I wish that I could help you, BettyAnn- Before long, these horrific days will all jumble together and something inside of you will say something like "Hey, you know what?? Is it possible that I am making it through this thing called life?????"- I remember that happening to me, and in reading your post today, I thought of it- That moment. It doesn't get better, it just becomes better tolerated, if that makes any sense. And, that becomes a welcomed state of being, because we realize that it is all that we have to work with, for now. And then, the uphill battle becomes an uphill climb... It is a steady work in progress and we are all so close to every one of these painful days, and therefore to each other through it all. xoxomamabets

[Mazey2]

Oh, Betty Ann, my heart aches for you. Today has been one of those horrible days where it hurts so bad, and get into a mode ya can't get out of....and thoughts just keep going thru your head.....it will pass, but those days are so bad. You will have them, but you and your husband are grieving and the process has these days....there is a "sort of" healing. I remember in the days that were the worst (and still are) ya just need to sob, weep and suffer the pain of your loss. Anyway, sure thinking of yu. Sharing, Linda

[Mazey2]

momof2angels, I read your post and had to grin with understanding. When I first read your story, I, too, felt the connection. Time of caregiving is so precious....moments shared are like no other. I understand....

Sharing, Linda

[Mazey2]

kevsmom, I love the idea of the tea light. I think that is awesome. Of course, he sees it! Each day, and especially the "special" ones you just need to do what you feel is best. We don't know what will be best, to get thru them. Sharing, Linda

[mamabets]

For Mazey2- It is so nice to have you with us again... You bring tremendous hope and inspiration to those of us that are relatively new on this part of our journey... It is a darkness that is so frightening... I told a friend from here tonight that I am genuinely afraid of life because I know what it can do...And, your poor angel Chad had an accident that was paralyzing, then passed. Please tell me how you do this so I can try to copy!! Joking, of course, for we are all God's chosen few to somehow help others carry on, His way. It is, though, so sad to think that I am not alone, because I share the stories of this book called losing a child- There is nothing worse, and somehow we are all trying to survive what our kids didn't. I can only hope, and believe me, I do, that one day the incredible memories that I have of the love that Danny and I share together, will overide this pain and fear. It sounds as if you have known some peace, in spite of your loss. I have heard it say that sometimes the second year can be more difficult than the first- While it seems that way at times, Danny's accident was June 15, 2004, I think that the harder the feelings, the clearer the understanding one day. Not that I expect to ever understand why this life separated us, but the understanding and acceptance of the big picture. He isn't here anymore, and for whatever reason, it is not for me to know, or I would. While my life seems shattered, my faith remains intact and has from the beginning. I have an incredible connection to him and it is so strong, that the many photos I have shared hopefully have been able to help other people. I do know this- My mission for the rest of my life is to share him with those that never knew him. They all will by the time he calls me home, from the lines in the grocery store, to the computer techs on the phone-!! I can't imagine it being any other way. When I find myself saying "He really died", it just kicks me right in my stomach, and burns a hole in whatever is left in my heart. However, my ability to say how I feel can help those that struggle, not knowing WHAT they think or feel, day in and day out, I hope... Thanks for listening, and please... Keep coming back!! xoxomamabets

[kathy714]

Dear Kevsmom,i love your husbands idea about the Christmas card,i thought of doing the same,i have a beautiful picture of Nathan,my husband and i ,taken at my brothers house last year.My brother had said "show me some love" just before taking the picture,so the three of us are hugging,Nathan is in the middle,we look so happy,and you can really see the love!It would of made a beautiful card,maybe next year?Ididn't even send cards this year.I look at that picture everyday because i have it on my fridge,and i can't believe what a difference a year makes.I wasn't even going to put up a tree,but my other son{who's name is Kevin}kept pushing me to,for my grandaughter.Icouldn't bear to take out my decorations,so i went and bought all blue ,silver,and some clear with snowflakes,and i told my husband BLUE bacause,thats how we feel ,and the silver and clear ornaments are for our tears....T/C Hope you find some peace during the holiday's..Kathy,Nates mom

[kathy714]

Dear Bettyann,i think i know how you feel ,and i have had a lot of those days myself.My anxiety level grows daily as Christmas gets closer,and then Jan31st will be Nathans birthday and 1 year angel date,i find myself crying these days,at the drop of a hat,i can't even imagine what it would be like to go through a day without tears,it's just something that doesn't happen for me anymore.I can't even think of Christmas without Nathan,This is a sad life we now live!!!Iwill keep you in my thoughts and prayers..T/C Kathy,Nates mom

[kevsmom]

Bettyann

My heart aches for you - maybe the shock of your cousin's death pulled the scab off your wound and made your grief new and raw again...our emotions are very fragile - I can completely lose it over a song, finding a picture, somthing with Kevin's handwriting - or the worst is seeing a young man riding a motorcycle similar to Kev's - that'll do it every time, I almost ran into the back of a car yesterday because I was staring at the bike.

I've had such a strong sense of Kev this past week - maybe the holidays....last Christmas was the best ever - maybe the 6th month date coming up on the 21st? Don't know, but, I've been so sad and teary - I wore a pair of his pj bottoms and a t-shirt of his to bed last night - I cried myself to sleep.

I've read 6 books on grief...specifically loss of a child and am trying to pound it into my head that it is normal for your emotions to jump around - many months or even a year later you can have a meltdown...it doesn't mean you're crazy - IT IS NORMAL and even though it's so painful, like I have trouble breathing because of the pressure on my chest, I try to just let it wash over me and not fight it...easier said then done, but it helps.

Bettyann, getting outside to walk or garden has been helpful to me. My dear neighbor and I walk a lot, maybe we talk, or not, sometimes I just cry and she crys with me. We walked together when her husband died, after I had breast cancer, when her mother died and now Kevin - I can attest that exercise helps. She tells me we're just leaving our pain all over the sidewalks of the neighborhood. Any activity you've enjoyed in the past would be good - even though it will take tremendous effort to make yourself do it. One week after Kevin died - when all I could do was move from a chair to the couch and cry, my daughter drug me (and I mean she pushed me) to the beach for a walk - that convinced me!

Sending you warm hugs - wish I could be there to cry with you....I know your pain. Irene (Kevsmom)

Today I think is the worst day I've had since Matthew died. I have never felt this miserable. Yesterday, when I got home from work, a present had arrived from my sister in law. She had sent a Christmas ornament with Matthew's picture on it. It's beautiful and is dead center on our tree, but it made me cry. We immediately headed out to the wake of Jeff's cousin. She was 53 and just died instantly-we haven't heard why yet. Her son found her on the floor. 3rd wake since Matthew's and I still can't get through one without sobbing. Heard a song this morning that got me crying again. Now, I'm missing him like crazy and all I have going through my mind is Matthew saying to me "Mom, I don't want to die". Twice, when he came home from his psychiatrists office, his blood pressure was sky high and the doctor said he could have a stroke or heart attack. That's when he said it. I envision him in his chair saying "Mom, I don't want to die" I can't get it out of my head and I can't stop crying. I was laying in bed crying when I finally decided I needed to tell someone and I hope all of you don't mind. I have never felt like this since he died. I feel so hopeless.

BettyAnn

[kevsmom]

Kathy714

I liked that he did it too, it was a labor of love for him - if it had been up to me no cards would have been sent. The picture of the 3 of you last year is a treasure. I am so glad Kevin and his girlfriend were fanatic picture takers - she's given me some great ones I'd never seen before.

Getting new ornaments for your tree was perfect - I'm learning that it helps to change old traditions and routines - they will simply never be the same and too painful to even try. This year we are going away for Christmas - I've been told by others that it was helpful, yet some have said it was too sad - they wished they had stayed home. If there is any joy for us it will be having our daughter and son in law with us.

Sending warm hugs and wishing you peace.

Irene (Kevsmom)

Dear Kevsmom,i love your husbands idea about the Christmas card,i thought of doing the same,i have a beautiful picture of Nathan,my husband and i ,taken at my brothers house last year.My brother had said "show me some love" just before taking the picture,so the three of us are hugging,Nathan is in the middle,we look so happy,and you can really see the love!It would of made a beautiful card,maybe next year?Ididn't even send cards this year.I look at that picture everyday because i have it on my fridge,and i can't believe what a difference a year makes.I wasn't even going to put up a tree,but my other son{who's name is Kevin}kept pushing me to,for my grandaughter.Icouldn't bear to take out my decorations,so i went and bought all blue ,silver,and some clear with snowflakes,and i told my husband BLUE bacause,thats how we feel ,and the silver and clear ornaments are for our tears....T/C Hope you find some peace during the holiday's..Kathy,Nates mom

[Mazey2]

Kevsmom, you have hit the nail on the head.....we begin over time to put a scab on the wound, never healed, but starts to close up a bit,then BOOM something picks it off! And, there are days always that can trigger us for a meltdown. I don't think they will ever go away. TOTALLY NORMAL....TOTALLY EXPECTED...in this life without our kids....It is a changed life, we must learn to live on in. Sharing, Linda

[maskott]

I want to thank all of you for responding. I think you all are right in saying it's like a scab that's been pulled off. Today is not much better than yesterday, I cried all the way through church service. I know tomorrow will be a little bit better. It's just that it hurts so much and no one-except you-understand how I feel. I'm sure they understand that I'm in some pain but they cannot ever imagine the true pain that we are going through. Thanks for being here and I'm just sorry that you all know the pain that I'm going through. I wouldn't want to wish this on anyone. May you all find peace somehow through this season.

BettyAnn

[mamabets]

For All- It is amazing how each of us is exactly like the other- To have a hard time breathing because of the heaviness, so very familiar... To hope for a better tomorrow than today.... To feel like one big scab- YUP!! An yucky looking one too because I am letting myself go to pot!!! I bundle up in warm clothes and cuddle with my doggies- I used to have my make up on right after showering and blowing the hair dry- Not any more... Not that I was vain, it was just part of my routine, and anything remotely similar to a routine scares me... xoxomamabets

[christysmom]

My youngest daughter, Christy, was killed in an automobile accident November 11 this year. She has three children. Her oldest (age 8) was in the car with her when she died. Her son is 3 and the baby turned 2 one week after she died.

My heart is broken and it's all I can do to function. I see her in my head every waking minute; I miss her so much. The worst part is that I don't want her babies to forget her.

I know I'll see her again someday but nothing takes the pain away today.

Christy's Mom

[kirksdad]

Christysmom, I am so sorry for your loss. We all struggle in the same manner about how our kids will be remembered. One great way to help her kids remember would be, of course, with scrapbooks. I know after our son died we made up memory boxes that we gave to the nieces and nephews that had grown up with him. They loved them. We also gave them a stuffed bear made out of some of the special clothes that Kirk had along with stories about when and why the clothes were worn and what special occasion they represented. Christy's children are so young so your worries are well founded. If you are in their life I am sure you will help keep her memory alive in them.

For the fact you are just a month into this grief I know what pain you are experiencing. The first year is so very hard to take. One just feels like they are walking around in a fog. It is so emotionally and physically draining. You have time to help Christy's kids, right now you need to think about yourself and your grief. This is a great place to just let off some steam when needed.

[mamabets]

For Christysmom- I say the same thing to every person that becomes a part of our family here- We welcome you with open arms, and open hearts, and we know exactly how you feel, each and every moment of your days. To lose a child is the worst life experience, by far- Those that have lived it know it, and those that have been taught the grief and loss process through education, believe it. So, having said that, let me please assure you, that as you walk this journey, we are all here to help you in any way that we know how. To have those three little babies will somehow help you through your darkest hours, I hope. My 25 year old son was hit by a semi truck in June of 2004- There will never be a day that will bring me any amount of joy that could begin to compare to the amount of pain that I have had to endure. But, I will tell you this much. I admire those like you that reach out early on, because this home at Beyond Indigo will prove to be your greatest source of comfort. Please stay with us and know that you are never alone. xoxo mamabets{ Betsy}

[mattsdad]

mamabets,

Dad lives 1/8th of a mile south of East Ocean avenue...(the bridge)....

Sterling Village Blvd. is off of Rt 1.

I guess the name of the development is Sterling Village.

Jeff

[mattsdad]

I just want to put my two cents in regarding this upcoming Christmas season.

At our house we are trying to carry on the traditions of Christmas trees and lights. To be honest, it does feel rather empty. We are just trying to grab hold of some sort of "normalcy" this year. This is our first Christmas without Matthew, so we are not exacty sure how we should be acting, let alone feeling.

I would rather just chuck the whole holiday season and retreat to a cocoon for the next 2 weeks. But for our remaining two kids and the rest of the family we will put up a brave front, only to wish that we did not have to socialize this year at all.

More important to me this year is that we celebrate the birth of Christ. This year more than ever.

Sure, it is great to give gifts and celebrate this season of good cheer. But I am TIRED of the B.S. we all here have to endure this time of year.

We are all not EXCITED to be where we are.

So if I do not post before Sunday may I wish you all a Merry Christmas. It might not be easy to live through. But we will survive. Just diminished.

Jeff

[daveydow1]

To all my friends here at BI,

After reading the posts of the past couple days, I see that

everyone expresses my thoughts and feelings exactly about

Christmas, decorating, parties and all the preparations etc.,

and that we don't, for the most part, feel like taking part

in it. As someone said---it is too painful to try to resume

the old traditions and customs we used to enjoy. We are not

the same people we were before our children passed over, and

it just brings so much sadness and dificulty to us. I would

also like to just cruise through the end of the year to Jan.

but will try to take comfort in the true meaning of Christmas

and do the best I can. I pray for everyone here to find some

peace somehow, in the difficult days ahead.

[Artina]

To my dear friends here at Beyond Indigo-

Please know that my thoughts are with all of you during a very difficult time of year. I have not posted much lately, but have been keeping up with the posts. I plan to do what works for my family this year and to do what ever it takes to make it the best Christmas I can... in light of our circumstance- for I know that I will never get THIS Christmas back with my living son.

I pray that we are all surrounded by a blanket of love that will help ease our pain... only to give is hope that will aid us through the holiday season.

Peace to all, Tina

[mamabets]

For All- I must share with you something that has happened here tonight. I received a gift unlike any other today from my Danny's girlfriend of 15 years, Liana, except for the 3 times that I received my kids, Danny, Jackie and baby Julia. She made for me a quilt out of ALL of Danny's clothes- His sweat pants, his Tampa Bay Buccaneers t-shirts, his sweaters that I had given him for Christmas, the Calvin Klein labels from his underwear that Jackie would give to him every year- the special kind that he liked, the list could go on and on. Liana took Danny's last load of laundry when he passed and held on to that bag, for fear of losing his cologne smell on it- Keep in mind that Liana never has more than a dish towel in her basket!! She washed them all and started this project, this labor of love, for me. Trust me when I tell you, she has sent him home to me, in the only way that he now knows. I feel him everywhere, and he knows, as do I, that this story has warmed all of your hearts. He wants me to tell all of you that this is his gift to you at Christmastime, and to thank you for taking care of me. I had a vision of him tonight, hugging Jackie's little Julia, my grandaughter, his niece. Our angels are very much alive and as Liana wrote to me, in her letter that came with my quilt... "We are not lost and he is not gone. He is just in a different form" She brought home to me all that I have so believed in since that fateful night in June of 2004 , and all that I have lost somehow, lately, along my way. In finding out things like Greg's church name is St. Josephs, the same name as the hospital that Danny passed in, the same name as the nursery school that my kids and their cousins attended in Boynton Beach, Florida, the same name as Julia's school in Chicago- Jeff's dad is in Boynton Beach, Florida... I lived there for years and my kids were born and raised there- You have heard "I will not forsake you"- They won't , our angels... Not to ever worry. I know that I bring a tremendous amount of hope and optimism to all of you, simply because Danny does. Danny and his team of your angels, here , there and everywhere. Not unlike any other team, he can't do this alone, and he doesn't. I am just the messenger. May we share this with all of you today, in hopes of bringing it to you once again... I love you all and, today is another day that we will share, together... xoxomamabets

[rmcaggiano]

Hello to everyone:

I too like everyone here have my son's (Nicholas) clothes. When I packed took them off of their hangers I put them in a tight sealed container so his smell wouldn't fade away, I never did wash the clothes that were in his laundry hamper

because they too of course have his smell. The only cologne he ever wore was "Polo", and I will keep that bottle of his forever, everytime my little grandson stays with me I spray little on him, then he smells just like Daddy did. His blankets and all I too have sealed, I also made a recording of is voicemail on his cell phone, I must call his phone at least 100 times a day just to hear his voice. I miss him so much!

I think what some are doing with their children's clothing is very special. I am just afraid to take Nicholas' clothes out of the containers fearing his smell will go away. His favorite band was "TOOL", I sometimes listen to his CD'S on the way to work. We went to a couple of concerts of theirs together. We did alot of things like that together. It's so lonely now.

Rose

[mamabets]

For rmcaggiano- I think that it is wonderful that you have all of Nicholas' things safely put away-Polo is a powerful cologne, a wonderful scent, and I hope that it stays with you forever. Danny used to wear it, along with some others, and then he switched to Curves. My tears burn my eyes when I cry for him, but I know that he will never know this kind of pain, and from that I get some peace. Life can be very unfair at times, and I would never want for him, anything more than what he had already endured. He was too fair for this world, it seemed. Heaven is a wonderful place to just "be", I have no doubt. I believe in him there, just as I believed in him here. Peace to you, Rose!!xoxomamabets

[alice24]

Ross, I love the idea of the quilt. Now I will be on a mission to find someone to make the quilt out of Hiram's favorite clothes. I have a T-shirt of his in my car and smell it when I really need him.

Alice

[rhonda68]

Hello all thinking of you! I am having a really hard time again. Does anyone get these attacks that they feel that they are just not alive,you cant feel anything,and then the really dark pit,you feel like you cant reach out to anyone and you can hardly breathe and then it brings you to your knees in a couple of hours and then you weep so hard and then the pressure seems a little lestened. I dont know if I am making any sense or not my mind feels a little confused?

Dear Christysmom I am so sorry for the loss you have had. I dont have much words of wisdom right now but I know your pain hurts like nothing ever before. We all understand here! I have gotten my most help from this site because you can come here and people know what it feels like to lose a child lots in common on this site.

Love,

Richardsmom

[mamabets]

For Rhonda68- I feel your pain, we all do. There is not one of us that hasn't been where you are today, or knows that we might be there tomorrow. The best thing that any of us can do when it gets like this, is to come here and reach out. There will always be someone here that can not only relate, but can also tell you that all that you are feeling comes with this territory. Keep talking, cry as much as you need to and know that we will help as much as we cam. xoxoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Alice24- Yes, this is quite an amazing quilt. Should you need someone to make one for you, Liana might be able to put you in contact with someone. She is in Florida- I spoke with her earlier. She had a friend's mother do the actual piecing together of this one, while she got all of it together over the past year. Please feel free to let me know- It is so comforting and just a beautiful way to feel Danny near to me-xoxomamabets

[nicksmom21]

Rose, I too have my Nicholas voicemail recorded. I play every now and again just to hear his voice. I was remarried at the time of Nicks death and do not live in the same home. I do however have his caps that he wore on my headboard, I have some of his clothes that I wear at night and have clippings of his hair. Many a day that I hold on to one of those hats and cry and clutch it close to my heart. His photos are all over my desk at work and here in my home. When my daughter gets married in June she will have one of her bridesmaids walk down the aisle without a partner and just a candle with Nicks name on it.. Every time I see a motorcycle I think of him.. I still tend to a memorial site where he was killed and pass it every day to and from work. For me this is the last place he was alive, and I feel his presence every day..It will be 2 years in February and I can't imagine this pain ever lessening, how could it , we were not suppose to bury our children.

[Mazey2]

mamabets, what a wonderful gift!! Wow, that quilt is a great idea. And you can cuddle it! Also, thanks for your kind words. I'm always around....Sharing, Linda

[Mazey2]

HI, Barbara Walters has a special on right now! about Heaven, the previews look interesting.....on ABC.

[mamabets]

For Mazey2- You are so welcome, my dear, for any and all kind words that I may find to send your way!! You are a true inspiration!! Barbara Walters is the best!! I love her and have all the confidence in the world that she will be blessed with what she refers to as a "heavenly" holiday... The consensus is, that there is a beautiful, peaceful place beynd this place, and for this Mom... I'll take it and run.For all that I believe in, my belief is so comletely safe and secure with all that Danny has shown me. With all of his new angel friends by his side, for them, it is always nice to be reminded that others believe as we do. It is what our kids need from us to do here, for as new and challenging as this darkness may be for us, their departure has included some uncertainly as well, I am sure. I have the utmost in confidence that all of the beauty that was talked about tonight is all that our angel babies are surrounded by. And for always and forever, they will know no different. xoxomamabets