Loss of an Adult Child

[josephsmom90]

Erica's mom,

This is a fight that I don't have the energy to battle. I sure wished I'd not lived, to see this? Yes it would have been better to not.

[josephsmom90]

Sue,

I am very sad to hear you are feeling like that. I know 100% of what you feel! I felt/feel it too. Every single bit of it is familiar! The pictures, hitting, screaming at someone, smacking them and all the rest...This may sound trite, shallow, stupid, but if you can forgive it will feel better for you. Oh believe me, Joseph's dad and his assinine ways of NOT dealing with the kids. Not being a parent, being a buddy, allowing all of this party stuff to go on right there while he was in the house with them, no rules, no standards, and no respect.

Joseph saw this in him. He recognized it for what it was, dad is just not a parent is what he would say to me.

I had and still have to pray a lot about forgiveness, if a thought even comes into my head, I try and get it out right now! In the end it is healing for me. It provides a peace for me that I simply must have. Even if I don't FEEL like it, I do it, verbally outloud. I do the work or act first, even if it is remote like. Then I expect my 'feelings' to follow. I don't know if that helps or not, that is all I am attempting to do here.

Something happened to my beautiful son, he didn't just drown in 4' of water with 0.02% of alcohol in his blood by himself. Somewhere, someone knows what happened, I pray they cannot live with themselves and keep it inside. though there was 15 months of wild living in his life, I refuse to remember most of that. For the most part, I had him 18 years, and he was a GOOD son! As was yours. I know he would want you to move on, to live, for him, as Joseph would for me. As all of our children do. Is there something he would have really wanted for you that is within your grasp? Education is that for me, Joseph and I would sort of do it together and or we did. He used to say of himself "I'll never stop" I'm going all the way.. So that is part of what I am doing for him, I'm going all the way Joseph. I'm starting my Masters. This is a woman who went throug the th grade!! Got a GED, went to Junior college, got a B.S. when I couldn't even write, thankfully on line education is here. And now, I do this as a tribute to him.

I will make you a regular on my prayer list. As I will ALL of you! Going to do that right now. God bless.

Elaine

[josephsmom90]

Lorri,

Thank you for your kindness. Today was better. I am still very anxious, with Michael leaving tomorrow. I can't put words to it at all. So many emotions. I have to keep it together for a MONTH!

If I could stay busy, no job right now, but looking, but eveyone up here wants to pay less than two thousand a month. Ya live on that! UGH and you know, working with America's most precious assets,(our children) always pays LOUSY! Does that piss anyone else off or what?? Grrrrrrrrrr......... I am disabled due to a wreck and am very limited in what I can do, so that makes it all the more difficult. I have a small amount coming in but desperatly WANT to work, that is why I got an education. Well so, now I am looking into a Masters in Public Admin with a concentration in Domestic Violence, is that too much to bite off or what? OK, Im rambling, not making sense, going to do the dishes and pray for you right now. Peace.

Elaine

[lostwoher]

Stopping in to welcome the new parents. So sorry to have to welcome anyone to this place but I am glad you found us. Thank you for sharing your stories. We are all on this journey together and are here to listen to all that each of you want to share.

My name is Lynn. My daughter Kayla was 21 and drowned 23 months ago. My life is still in a fog but slowly going forward. I am so greatful to have found this family. They all have shown the most respect and understanding you will need/want even tho I do not post often. Just cant seem to be able to keep up with everyone. I do read daily and wish only the best for all of them.

I recently became acquainted with Toscha on myspace. She knew Kayla from school and reached out to me. I never thought for a minute I would have to introduce her to this site but am glad she did.

Again, so sorry you have joined but welcome to the indigo family. Come here to laugh, cry, or vent. Thats why we are here.

Thank you Indigos!

Lynn aka  angel Kayla & Travis's mom

[westleysmom]

Lynn-It's good to see Kayla's pretty face and hear from you.  I hope being here helps Toscha, too, like it has me.

Susannah-The service for Stephanie sounds beautiful.  I only have one other child and I'm afraid sometimes now I'm taking her for granted in my grief for Westley.  It just hasn't been that long and I still can't breathe sometimes when I remember that I will NEVER see him walk through that door again or hear his voice.  I don't know what I would do if something happened to my daughter, I hope I never find out.  I don't know what I would do with new twins either, so my fallen family is safe in its fallen-ness.

Elaine-I don't know if everybody here has thought that it would have been better if they had gone instead of their child, but I have.  And Westley was doing the "my friends are my family" thing, but I think that I shouldn't have been taking it personally.  I think its just what he was doing to grow up, you know?  I married when I was 18 and the break from my parents was instant (not that it caused a break, but I mean I had a different identity from then when I married and moved out, I wasn't just their daughter anymore)  Westley had not moved out and he loved his family, but his friends meant a lot to him too.  It kind of made me jealous, I never thought they cared for him as much as we did, and how could they?  They weren't his parents.  But they miss him a lot.  So anyway, we know our boys loved us, and your other boys love you too.  He'll have a good time and be back in a month.  I hope you are able to relax enough to get rested up to get back in school. 

I saw on the news about the terrible rains in Wisconsin, hope Colleen is doing okay.  Dee, aren't you a teacher?  Its almost time for school to go back here in TN and it seems like summer just started.  We still haven't gotten rain here, just hot.  Have a good Saturday all.

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[sussyqueed]

Hi Elaine,

            Thank you for your note. I really appreciate you taking the time to send words of encouragement. I am finding a great benefit in talking with parents that are in a similar situation. I know that I am not alone but sometimes, no correct that, every day, I do feel quite alone. Your son was so young and I completely feel your pain.

            The week after Joshua had the heart attack, I lost it in front of my youngest daughter…crying...screaming..blaming Joshua’s wife for his death…calling her names I would never call anyone under normal circumstances. It went on for several minutes. Right then and there, I had to ask God to forgive me for all of what I was thinking and what I had said. Joshua’s wife and I have been close since she came into the family 12 years ago. However, she was a poor mother, not very smart and a chronic liar. Just to keep the peace, I tried to be her friend and role model and although her behavior improved over the years, in the end, the worst part of her surfaced. For my grandsons sake, I still continue to try to keep the peace.

            I still have ugly thoughts about her and have to ask God repeatedly to forgive me. My grandson means the world to me. Now I’ve lost both my son and grandson. She is in PA now and will not allow him to call me. The last time I spoke with my grandson, the phone was on speaker and she was in the background coaching him on what to say. It makes me mad!!! So, God forgive me. I’ve lost any ounce of respect or love for the woman but have to, again, keep the peace for my grandsons’ sake.

            It may be some time before I feel emotionally strong enough to look at Joshua’s pictures. We used to call him, in jest, Mr. Clean because he was tall and husky and had a bald head. But he was the most loveable, caring and sweet man in the world. I would give my life to have him back.

            I also ask God for forgiveness and understanding when it comes to my other son and my x-husband. My second son turned his back on me and his siblings several years ago for petty reasons that I will not go in to. He and his wife have a daughter, my granddaughter, that none of us are allowed to see. On top of that, My x showed up for Joshua’s memorial service after a 25 year absence from our children’s lives. He never paid child support. No b-day cards, Christmas presents..nothing. But Joshua dies and he shows up acting like nothing ever happened.

            If Joshua would want anything for me, I know that he would want me to take care of my health.  Like Joshua, I too have type II diabetes and other disabling problems with my bones. He would lecture me about over doing it or eating the wrong foods. For Joshua and my 2 precious daughters, I am trying very hard to comply with those wishes. He would also want me to enjoy the upcoming holidays. That will be a tough one!

            Sorry for the long reply but it feels good to get it out. Thank you again so much for your thoughts. They are very much appreciated.

Sue

 

 

[ericasmom]

GOT RAIN?

Our yard is under water, looks like a floating garden, our garage is knee deep, husband moved the cars at around 3:00 AM as it was nearing the tailpipes, got them to the street which is higher ground. Our garden might be done for due to this being the 3rd time it flooded this way and the plants suffocate. We have a small pump but it is deeper than ever. I woke several times in the night to rain that was relentless, after no rain for weeks, so this isn't good. The highway near us was shut down due to water, leaving some stranded. Our basement has some water, it is an unfinished basement, so no carpeting or good flooring or anything, but still we have water coming in through an area of the foundation, not good. We have I think raccoons in the chimney stack, and that could be a lot of damage too. Right now, my poor husband would like to cry.

My next door neighbor is having or was supposed to be having, an outdoor shower but it seems unlikely that that will work out since her yard is calf- high in standing water. They rented tables and chairs too. Oh well, plan B.

Lynn, how nice that you are a support for Toscha. A connection through Kayla, always angelic.

Rhonda, Elaine, I too have deep anxiety over my Son, Jon. SInce Eri died, I have more paranoid thoughts of losing him. Elaine, about a year before Eri died, I told my next door neighbor, (great friend) that I thought that Eri was not going to live long into adulthood. About 6 months after that I told my husband the same, adn two weeks prior to her accident, I told my sisters that I felt nervous that ERi was not going to live long. I could not explain it, just a sense of things to come.

Because of that, I am hyper-worried about Jon, and I have to tame it both for his sake and my own. He is older than your Boy Elaine, by 10 years, but he lost he and ERi's Dad a year ago, and that has added to the stress in this young man's life. He is a great young man and I have to believe that no matter what, HIS SIS AND DAD are watching over him.

Elaine, I love going to school, would love to take some more classes but cant' right now. I hope that you enjoy your masters classes. I teach third grade in Oak Park, Illinois. I am lucky to work with Kids, each day they say and do things that allow my spirit joy and trust.

Carol, today, I pray, the docs will find Ralph's kidney doing the job it needs to do to keep him from dialysis. Deep prayers.

Love to all on this now soggy day,

and peace,

dee

[Guest]

Wow Dee!  We need rain and y'all have more than your share.  Wish we had the power to even it out a bit.  I hope it receeds and the damage is minimal.  Racoons in the chimney?  Not good.  But, funny as heck!

I allow the anxiety to set in for my surviving loved ones, too.  I'm getting better about letting it go.

Happy belated birthday, Colleen! 

Gotta go...love to you all.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

THIS IS MY TRIXIE SUES RESTING SPOT...SHE LOVED THE CELLAR PLAYING QUEEN OF THE HILL....NOTICE THE ROSE PETALS...AND THIS IS THE OTHER HALF OF KOURTNEYS CROSS THAT SOMEONE STOLE FROM HER GRAVE...

I RELIZED YESTERDAY...I KINDA SORTA SENT KOURTNEY A GIFT...TRIXIE SUE...

[westleysmom]

Dee-Is raccoons in the chimney like toys in the attic?  I've got the latter, but not the former.  Well, as far as I know I don't.  Wish we could get some of your rain too.  Since the May flooding, we haven't been getting much rain.  Hope you dry out soon.

Lorri-I'm sorry somebody bothered your Kourtney's grave.  What is wrong with people?  But glad you could use the cross to mark Trixie Sue's resting place.  They are playing and running and laughing together and that is a gift.

MIL called to remind about family reunion tomorrow.  Distant relatives mostly and I'm afraid of questions about family, especially Westley.  Broke down last night and told my husband I'm afraid of class reunion in Sept for same reason.  Why are things that are supposed to be good times now so hard?  Every freaking thing is hard now.  It's hard to see Maxwell House commercials and sitcoms based on family and all kinds of crazy things that make me remember that I have lost one of my children.  Cooking for reunion is even harder than usual, I always tried to make things Westley would like so he'd be sure to have something he would eat.  He wasn't real picky, but you know how reunions are with too many vegetable casseroles sometimes.  So anyway thinking of you all and hoping that you are not having to go to a reunion tomorrow. 

Take care,

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[shorty16]

Water Water Everywhere

Scott is just bringing up the last of the soaked carpeting from the basement.  3-4 inches in our basement.  We have (and will not) turn on any electronics until we are sure everything is dry (about December).

Wisconsin State Bird, mosquito!! Is flurishing.  We will be drenched in Deet tonight at our yard party in Appleton.

Dee,   Michelle's car was floating down our street. 

Yesterday, we say many vehicles in deep ditches.  I am sure the water carried them there.  2 homes moved off their foundation by the water.  How do you put them back????

Our yard is a rainforest.  Almost every bush and tall plant is over our heads.  Dee your garden must be Eden.  It was huge when I was there.

Thinking of my indigos.

My dinner with Georgia and Judy went OK.  They never mentioned Brian's name.  They did ask about my other two children.  It drives me nuts.  So I brought him up and they freeze in mid motion.  I hate it.  Perhaps its me and not them.  I do not know.

I am praying some of our rain is sent to those on here who need it.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Eden we are not Colleen, we are under water, so the plants may not make it as the water is still shin deep and the plants roots are suffocating. SOme will make it but some will not. I am sure glad that Michelle is fine and that you guys are all ok. Wow, houses off the foundation hu? I love the mosquito as the state bird, I was just thinking how oppurtunistic they are, and the breeding going on right now in my yard makes me want to buy stock in deet. I hope that you have a good time in Appleton however, it is a pretty area. I went to Baraboo as a teen, wanted to runaway and hang at the commune with all the other runaways back in 1970. The commune was called: The PEACE Farm. I felt very much at home there. Col, sorry about your friends freezing in mid smile when you brought up Brian. It is both them, and us. We need to talk about our Kids, both those here and those not. It is a fact of grief that our Kids are still our Kids, and those having a hard time dealing with talking about them will probably endure some tense moments but nevertheless, Brian is your Boy. Making clear that talking about Brian is necessary to your soul for he will never be in the background of your life.

Rhonda, I know that the family reunion might be harder than you feel up for. Explain to hubby that you may need to develop a system of codes so that you can help each other out of an uncomfortable situation if it occurs. West will be there  with you, saying, "ICK" about some of the casseroles. Hang on Sister, this is but one event that challenges your heart, but those challenges are also the way that we go through and not around our grief. If you are not up for talking about Westley and someone brings him up, tell them thanks for mentioning his name, but in order for you to not have a cry time, you'll have to save that conversation for another time.

[lolynbo]

AS YAL NO KODY LOVES TO RACE AND PLAY ELECTRIC GUITARS...THIS IS A NEON SIGN DAD MADE (OUT OF BUD SIGN)...IT ALSO HAS A GUITAR INSIDE OF THE NEON...THAT PLAYS...THIS IS ABOVE KODYS BED  IT SAYS BOATRIGHT INSTEAD OF BUDWEISER

[ericasmom]

Lorri, tell that Dear Kody Happy Belated for me, 18, where does time go?

[lolynbo]

I DONT NO DEE....AT ALL......HE SHOULD BE 15...NOT 18,,,,LIKE YAL IM STILL STUCK IN 2007

[josephsmom90]

Rhonda,

I'm still lousy on this site, I'm scrolling, but only see the same ones....grrrrrrrr...........

Today is the day Michael leaves, just texted his dad and he is only about 350 miles away. GRRRRRRR......

ya the friends are my family thing, where did that come from??? Daniel and Joseph both did it! Some of it or maybe all of it is, if my parents wont let me have my way and or accept my KRAP, ahhh, the friends will.

I think that's it. I didn't raise those boys that way. Up until I took Daniel to his dads when he was 17, and Joseph went there when he was 18, they towed the line so to speak. No drugs, no parties, both were virgins. Daniel was awarded by the Senate and Legislature in Sacramento for his outstanding achievement with Calif Cadet Corps, it's an Army ROTC thing. In person on the Floor at the Capitol by the reps. Joseph was the high achiever with education. Michael the youngest has been interviewed by PBS for a national program they did on youth volunteers... I mean they all did stuff,and yet I can't help but feel it was my fault. Part of that is a single mom thing though. Michael says he is learning from his brothers mistakes. . . I sure hope so.. I've still not written Joseph's bio or what happened to him. I'm trying to balance my remaining time with Michael and not breaking down, not being totally on line and all that. THIS IS HARDD! I will go through the site next week real good and read everyones stuff better. Maybe learn my way around a bit more. I hope so, its frustrating to get an email and not be able to find it.

Elaine

[heartbeataway]

Lorri,

Love the Boatright guitar!  Did Monty do this?  He is really talented!  Very cool!

Dee & Colleen,

I'm sorry about the water .... flooding is not a good thing!  And your beautiful gardens Dee ...... I'm sorry sweet lady!

You talk about how your feelings that Eri wouldn't live long ...... it was my deepest, darkest fear that something would happen to Jason. I had dreams that he died before he left us.  I can remember thinking my my mind, NO .... NO.... NO .... and not allowing myself to think.

I've also thought he prepared us for his death.  We knew exactly what to do except for where to spread his ashes.  His friends filled in that part and the spot is perfect for him!

It's the top of a mountain called The Pinnacle ..... and he has indeed reached "the pinnacle" of his young life.

We are gearing up for Pinnacle Days again.  In just a few days, we have gone from " this is not going to happen this year" to being excited that it is indeed happening and will be our biggest best event yet!

I just need to make it all come together .....

There will be many new faces this year which we're excited about.  We will have a local band and also a young friend from New York, JT Maple.

The sweet niece of Jason's best friend (brother) is going to sing Alan Pedersen's,  Tonight I Hold This Candle.  We've had glowing balloons, sky lanterns, fireworks and this year we're having a candle tribute.  I have yet to listen to the song and not cry ....

The young girl who will sing is a little girl that came to me at Jason's visitation and put her little arms around me and just cried and cried.  Through her sobs she told me she was sorry and that she loved him and she was sure going to miss him.

I heard stories of him lifting her out of the hot sand at the beach and carrying her on his shoulders so her feet wouldn't burn.  She's older now and has a beautiful young voice.

We had a few "rowdies" last year that were disappointing but we know for a fact they will not attend this year .....

So, here we go again .......

No updates from Carol today ..... hope that means that Ralph is just doing great!

Healing is hard work!

Love for the journey,

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

I heard this today and I really liked it:

Every man dies but not every man really lives ....... Jason lived!

[mikesmomrs]

People waiting for the computer tonight...just want to say I am so very sorry for those of you dealing with flooding...praying for you.

will come back later, if I can, if not, tomorrow...thank you all for your prayers and love.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, your plans for Pinnacle Days sound wonderful. So full of hope and looking forward. Hooray for you and Rich to find it to be a source of goodness and heart. I am so glad that Jason's friends are looking forward to it again.

Let me know by what date  you need the banners and they shall arrive. I will more than likely send them in a week or so.

I had dreams too Bon, 3 that woke me in late April of 2003, they woke me and woke my husband as I screamed in each, never seeing what got ERi but each time, something did. The fourth dream came in May and it was her funeral. I woke up wailing and standing on the bed, screaming no, no, and I remember telling my husband with each dream, "it's Eri, something is happening to ERi." He is not one to believe in foreseeing and pre-essence, but having me tell him a year before that I felt like Eri was not going to live long and then the dreams and then 2 months after the dreams, Erz was killed. Perhaps Bonnnie, we were given this aura of the upcoming tragedy, and it manifested through dreams and the dull sense of something wrong

I love the quote you left us, it seems to have captured Jason.

Lor, I agree with Bon, the guitar is gorgeous and husband Monty has an artistic flair to do this.

Carol, hoping and praying for you and for Ralph, for Kim and Daughter, for Cathi and her upcoming surgery, and for all of those grandies.

Just came in from the neighbors outdoor party. We shared driveways as we did one week ago for ERI-fest,  though this time, there is a lake in our yard and it is only seeping away very slowly, very slowly. It is hot and humid as ever, hopefully no more rain to come. Hopefully plenty of deep sleep for us all, with good dreams.

[lolynbo]

Lorri,

Love the Boatright guitar!  Did Monty do this?  He is really talented!  Very cool!

YES MONTY DOES NEON...THE SIGN WAS A OLD BUDWEISER SIGN WITH THE GUITAR ALREADY IN IT...HE JUST CHANGED THE NAME.....YES HES VERY TALENTED.....

KODY GOT 3RD TONIGHT...SOMEONE DIDNT LIKE IT (4THPLACE GUY) AND RAMMED THE SIDE OF KODYS CAR AND THE BROTHER OF THIS GUY CAME AFTER MONTY WITH A TIRE IRON....THEN THE DAD OF THESE GROWN MEN STEPPED IN AND SIMMERED THEM DOWN......THESE BOYS GO TO FIGHT IF U ASK ME...SO WE WILL SEE NEXT WK WHAT HAPPENS...THE GUY THAT RAMMED KODY GOT DISQUALIFIED....HHHAHAHAHAHA

[nicksdad]

[Guest]

David....I don't think I know who you are, but if Dan is thinking of you today, so shall I.

Colleen - I enjoyed our visit yesterday.  You are a wise woman.  I admire you. 

Are Pinnacle Days similar to what Dee does for Eri, Bonnie?  Sounds wonderful.

Lorri - Sheese!  Grown men acting like that.  I'm glad the iron didn't connect with Monty!!!  Love the sign for Kody.

I hope y'all are getting a break from the rain!!  Damns failing, flooding, sink holes.....sounds ominous. 

Carol - I hope Ralph has a better day, today. 

Lots of giggles are coming from the other room.  I have no idea what they're laughing about, but they are all laughing hysterically..  better check it out....make sure Shelby isn't the object of their humor!  (Shelby's our golden retriever)

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

DAVID IM THINKING OF YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AS WELL...SURROUND THEM WITH YOUR PURE LOVE...DAVID DAVID DAVID...SAYING YOUR NAME...

IM LEAVING FOR SAN ANTONIO HERE IN A BIT ...I WILL TRY AND CHECK IN....LOVE YAL...

[mpsmom]

[align=center]David and Dan [/align]

[align=center] this is the weekend you were both chosen to leave this earth.  I am thinking of you both this morning, hoping that your families feel you close by them and can find a place in their broken hearts to know that now you are both [/align]

[align=center]eternally young, healthy and happy.  [/align]

Sending all my love to the families of these boys (men)

Marcia    Bethanys Mom Forever

[shorty16]

Hello Indigos

The brakes on Michelle's car have rusted together.  It will not move.  Water in the oil, the car is trashed and we are not putting any more money into it.  We have 4 cars in our driveway and 1 does not run and the other is not registered.  The 2001 Chevy Cavalier still has a muffler issue.  Brian really did a job on it.  He did not only cut off the muffler, but the attachment to the car itself.  He was so proud of what he had done.

We are procrastinating (BIG TIME) with "fixing" that car.  Life is going on without my son and I hate it.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[sussyqueed]

Tough day today for me. Can't stop crying. I feel sick to my stomach. It is now exactly 5 months since Joshua died of a massive heart attack on February 25th. I tried looking at a photo of him and burst into tears. They haven't stopped. I don't know when it will be that I'll have the strength to look at any of the hundreds of photos I have of Joshua. I miss him so much. My fisrt born. He was only 37. I don’t think my heart will ever mend.

I miss you Joshua!!!!!!

 

[ericasmom]

DAVID--- you are LOVED for all time.May this day serve to remind your family and friends that you live on forever, that you are strong and perfect in your heavenly home.

Blessings,

dee

[ericasmom]

Lorri, have a blast on your trip. Be well.

Sue, I know that your heart is shattered for all it ever knew, and mending is not going to happen fast. Little pieces of your heart will come together again but it is a slow process and along the way there will be bitterly cold days, and darker days than that, but eventually, you will feel the sun on your face again, you will hear the sound of your own laughter, and life will take on more meaning again. Right now, you are where we all were so take a bit of heart, we know the ache, we will always miss our Children, but we are evidence to you and the others that are new, that life will find a way.

Col, wow on the car, and I am sorry for the damage. Will insurance cover the loss?

Love to all,

dee

[mikesmomrs]

Elaine:  so sorry that your heart is aching so...praying you will endure Micheal's absence...your beautiful Joseph will hold you close and we will be here for you as you go through this time apart...

Susannah, Rhonda, Betty, Betsy, Colleen, Bonnnie.....and I hope I havent forgotten anyone because I can't go and check without losing this post, so if I have, please forgive me for the oversight... Thank you so much for checking in on Ralph's progress...and those of you who haven't been able to, I know that you are holding us close in your thoughts and prayers.

Today's update is that the docs are still watching things...dialysis is a possibility but a good chance it would be only temporary if it does happen...just waiting day to day...

good things happen...was supposed to move to another motel today, cheaper, but less safe, as the door leads to the outside.  With Kim leaving to be with Cathi, I was a little nervous.  BUT, the lady here at this hotel knew my situation and talked with her general manager about letting me stay here for the same rate as I would get at the new hotel, which is almost HALF of what I was paying here through today!   People are good...I just can't believe he agreed to it, but he did.  Also, the male nurse who gave Ralph is (first) stand up shower today---his name is----yes, of course,  "Mike."  What else?  We are truly blessed.

Going to watch the game today with Ralph, first time since he's been here...all the other nights it's been on at 10 pm, today it's on at 4 pm.  Kim is also going to stay here for another week or so...Cathi's back surgery is on Wed and her son is going to drive her home on Thursday...meantime, they are bringing Jame (Cathi's youngest) here to stay with us while she is in the hospital. 

Dee, Colleen, so very sorry about the water problems...we know what it is like to have 3-4 inches of water in the finished basement, as well as what it's like to have the water seeping in through the floor and no way to stop it...prayers for you all that the rain will stop and let you dry things out.  Dee, so sorry about your beautiful garden.   I am glad, though, that you were able to get Eri-fest done before the deluge that flooded it all out. 

Bonnie:  Sounds like Pinnacle days is going to be beautiful once again...so glad that you are planning it and feeling good about the plans. 

Lorri:  good luck with the twins...my "family" is too far down, also, to even think of renewing the "twins."   I do think that Trixie is happy with Kourt now, and her resting place seems ideal. 

Lynn:  Good to see Kayla'a beautiful smile...and Marcia...same for Bethany.    Dan:  Love the salute to David...and the new pic of Nick...and Carrie, know that David is with you and sending love to you all the time. 

So very sorry to see new people here, but know that you have found a good place to be...you will be comforted....

I knew it was too good to be true that I had the computer this long...someone is waiting, but I am glad to have had it this long.  Take care everyone.  Try to stay dry!  sending love to each and all.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs 

[mysonrich]

 

Saying your name ................

[summergirl]

DAVID, DAVID, DAVID - I AM SAYING YOUR NAME LOUD AND PROUD. MAY YOUR FAMILY FEEL YOUR PRESENCE TODAY AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE SAFE AMONG ALL OF OUR ANGELS...

 

Josuah's mom - I am so sorry for your pain which is so eveident in your post's. Five months is a very short time on this journey so please go easy on yourself.....I can say to you that if anyone had told me at the 5 month time that I would be where I am today I would have called them a liar to their face - I was a shell of a woman, broken and the only thing that I was living for was my grandson Tavian, fighting a custody battle and grieving for my beautiful daughter Jessica at the same time, I was weary and felt as though I was losing the battle but I found this place, this endless sense of peace and security, those who understood my pain and walked along by my side each and every day until I became stonger, until I came to the point where I was actually helping a "new comer" to BI - that was the day when I knew that I had begun to live again, that I had to live for Tavian, for my Jessica - My daughter lived and I intend to carry on for her, keep her memory alive.  It will take time my friend to find your way, a few steps forward and many back but the day will come when you feel the pain has lessened and become tolerable, never to go away but softer.  Stay with us, we need you as you need us.

Lorri - the sign is incredible - I just love Monty and his special talent - you are a lucky woman and so nice of you to give him the twins !!! LOL

To those with so much rain - I am keeping you in my thoughts as we go through the dry 90 degree, hot and humid days. We did get a nice downpour for about an hour today which cooled it off a bit.  There have been many heat warnings here and a few of the elderly have passed on from the intense heat, they are asking that we turn off anything that we do not need to use electric wise as all is so overloaded.  Crazy weather...

I took a break today from all of the cutting up of the wood from all the trees that fell during the storm. We have collected quite a pile for out campfires. I went to the beach, read my book for a bit and then put my beach lounger right in the water and took a 2 hour nap !!  It was much needed and I relaxed as I have not in some time. We all need time to ourselves and often do not take it - today I did.   Tavian has been at his grandmothers for 2 weeks now and has decided that he wants to stay another week !!  It is ok though as I know he is having fun - the girls do alot with him and they have a beautiful in-ground pool and you all know how he loves to swim. Planning another week long camping trip soon -

Carol - I am praying for Ralph and you - hang in there.

Love to all and even though I have not been able to answer each please know that I think of all of you daily.    Peace, love and strength, Kathy

[daveydow1]

Elaine----It does take time to learn about everyone her on the BI, but it

will come to you a little at a time, as you sign on and read/post. Also, people

who had been here previously may not be here anymore....or we all need to

step back from time to time and just regroup and rest. I've been here 7 years....

along with Dee. So, don't worry about learning everyone's story. Just come to

BI whenever you feel up to it. Peace to you, friend.

Rhonda---I so know what you mean about the reunions ---family reunions, or

high school etc. After Davey died, I never attended my family reunion again.

Knowing my extended family the way I do......aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. I just

knew I would not be able to withstand the time there. They are dear people, and

I get along with them whenever I see them, but they do have a huge habit of

talking about their kids.....on & on, bragging etc.. That, of course, makes it difficult.

So I don't attend. I no longer get nagged about why I don't go to it. I hope that your

 day at the reunion was not too stressful.

Lorri---WOW......What a beautiful neon sign your husband made for Kody with the

guitar inside, and his last name.  I bet none of Kody's friends has a sign like that one.

Colleen----So sorry to hear of your flooding, and the ruined carpet. I hope you

don't get anymore rain.

Dee-----Well, we did get a nice rain a couple days ago, and a better one last night.

It helped the garden & fields a lot........unfortunately, it helped the weeds. We had to

 get out there and go to work on the rows. Sorry for the damage to your flowers. Did

your basement get very wet also?  The Weather Channel showed about all the

rain out your way, and Colleen's.

Betty----Hi. Thinking about you.

Carol---Continuing to pray for Ralph.

        PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL HERE AT THE BI.

                          Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry      

[mysonrich]

HI all, looking around my place I can say there is a method to the madness! Boxes, bags, what to take and what not to take.

I was feeling a bit overwhelmed this morn, sitting on the deck in my butterfly tee-shirt. Here comes a black butterfly racing around the corner of the house. BANG! Flies right into my shoulder. ( just about knocked me out of my chair! NOT)

I think it was Rich giving me a smack upside the head. Telling me not to stress and giving me something to laugh at.

i have shared with some my apprehension regarding the move. the places we shared as a family, while married and not. The places we shared ,me,Sarah and Rich. Familiar roads, the river,schools. I am worried that Rich's death will crash upon me again. My thought was to just soak in the memories and let the emotion come. Its bound to.

 Elaine and Rhonda, I am sorry you are both here but, you have found a warm and caring place to share the lives of your wonderful son's, your sorrow,your grief..anger, whatever you may feel,at any time,you can share here.

My son Rich died on January 18,2009 after attending a Metallica concert with friends in Philadelphia. My last email from Rich was full of excitement. He died in his sleep from cardiac dysrhythmia. It took the coroner 4 months to let us know this but in all honesty, I don't think they ever found a "cause" . The manner of death was "natural". Nothing natural about that,nothing at all.

Rich had moved into his first house with the girl he loved not 6 months prior. He was very happy . We enjoyed Christmas diner at his home and that was the last time I saw him alive. As Dee and Bonnie had mentioned, I feel some have a 6th sense about our kids. Almost every picture on my camera was of Rich. My last pictures.

But he lives on and I feel his presence within me and now, I can smile in his memory.

 

 Thinking of you all. reading,laughing(twins)crying with you all still . Dee, thank you for posting Rich's banner. It meant a lot to see him at your place with all our angels.

 

I have heard from MaryAnn. i ask that we remember her in our prayers. she is ok.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

 

[westleysmom]

All my BI Friends-I made it through the reunion today.  Westley's best friend and his girlfriend came, and I spent a lot of time with them, so I didn't get cornered by any nosy relatives.  Small crowd anyway, and my granddaughther got to come with me too.  So it wasn't too bad. 

So glad Ralph is doing better.

Colleen-you sound like us.  We have several cars Westley all but destroyed in the barn and the driveway.  He was hell on wheels.

Well friends, do you ever find yourself all alone and screaming at God or whoever is listening?  my husband ran out to check on something a few min ago, and I did.  At the service/visitation and all, I hardly sobbed at all.  I couldn't.  I cried, I snubbed, but I didn't sob.  But sometimes when I'm alone, I wail.   I sound like those old ladies at the wailing wall or something.  I don't know if it helps, because I can't help it.  I'm having a glass of wine now, and I'm going to bed as soon as possible.  Thanks for being there, because I know whatever crazy thing I'm doing, somebody is going to say "been there, done that" and mean it. 

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[mikesmomrs]

rhonda:  I am glad that the reunion didn't derail you and you were able to "handle it"...baby steps.  Yes, indeed, we all know about the "wailing" when alone...I used to wail and scream and pound my fists on the steering wheel on the way home from work...sometimes I would have to just stop somewhere and park and do it, as I was afraid I would just run off the road!  Dee, I think it was, said once "tears are healing..." until I read that, I used to feel it was useless screaming...now I know better.  Tears are, indeed, healing.  Blessings to you.

Sherry:  so glad that you got some water on your garden...I do hope it helps. 

Again, so sorry about those who have had too much water...I hope you are able to get things cleaned up soon...if I were there, I would help you, for sure.

Betsy:  Thinking of you as all your memories are rolling around in your heart and brain and as you pack up boxes of your life...where is it you are moving to?  I don't remember if you told us or not...please forgive me if you have already said...sending love and blessings on your new surroundings. 

more good news regarding our situation...called today to change Kim's flight back to VA, and Southwest was VERY understanding...not only didn't charge me for the change, but also manipulated the "credit" so that it would cover the cost of the new tickets, which were something like $60 more...I am just amazed...

Sending good wishes for all for the new week...hope the sun comes out where it's needed, and the rain comes down where it is needed...

feeling sleep coming...perhaps I will actually get some of it...

love and peace to all....carol  mikesmomrs

[aim630]

Hi to all. I see there are some new members here. I'm sorry that you're here, but glad that you've found this place. I don't post very often, but read a lot of the other posts.

Carol-I hope Ralph's kidneys have improved & he won't need dialysis. I will keep both of you in my thoughts and prayers.

I had to read back a few pages since I hadn't been on here for a couple of weeks, so I don't remember who said they had a feeling their child would not live very long as an adult. I was always very nervous about Ashley, but as much as she drove (she worked about an hour and a half away from where she lived & often did not get off until 2 in the morning), I was always afraid she would get into an accident. She always told me "mom don't worry, if it's my time, it's my time". She also told me last summer, that she did not think she would live to be 25, and she died 3 months after she turned 23, although it was from complications from pnuemonia, mono & H1N1. At the time, I told her, "Ashley, don't even say that, it's liking your tempting fate or God". Later I found out she was quite convinced she was not going to live long & had told her best friend & sister that.

Last night I had a very vivid dream of Ashley. The day she died,the doctors actually thought she was improving & told me to bring her a slushee (her first food in 3 months other than ice chips). I brought the slushee to her, but the nurses said it was not a good time to let her have it, because her heart rate was so high & they wanted her to calm down first. I tried to get her to calm down, but she said, "I am calm, Mom, I just want my damn slushee". She actually mouthed those words to me since she could not talk with the ventilator down her throat. Well, then it turns out her heart rate was not high because she was upset, we now think a blood clot had moved to her lung or heart. In my dream last night, I told her I was sorry she never got her slushee, and she told me not to worry about it, that the food was much better where she was. I talked to her for awhile, then asked her if she could come see me again, and she said "only like this", meaning only in my dreams. It felt very real, and I would feel so much better if somehow she was really visiting me, but I'm afraid it was just my mind wishing her there.

Has anyone else had a dream where they felt their child was actually "there"? I've had a few about my dad since he passed away 4 years ago. One felt very real, where I was telling him how the Cleveland Indians had been one game away from the World Series (he was a big fan), and I said "but maybe they didn't show that on tv where you are", and he said he knew about it.

Someone who found about about Ashley dying said she didn't even know what she would do if one of her children died, and I told her you just have to go on living, because you have no other choice. I've always been pretty quiet, but especially since Ashley died about 6 months ago, I have not wanted to socialize much. I have been neglecting old friends, not returning phone calls. Several old friends wanted to meet again, but I just can't do it right now. Hopefully someday.

Well, goodnight to all of you. Thanks for always sharing your lives with us. Although I didn't comment directly to anyone, I enjoy reading what you write & it helps knowing I am not the only one going through this.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[ericasmom]

Amy, good to see you tonight, going to bed under a bright full moon here.

Sounds like your Girl knew somehow that she was not going to be here long. It was Bonnie who had had bad feelings, adn it was me that had inklings that Eri was not going to live long into adulthood.

NOthing easy about it. I have had dreams that I am convinced are visits simply because I feel great, GREAT the next day. After dreams, I am interested in them, the meaning and such, but after a visit, I am rejuvinated, and I feel energized and golden for about 24 hours. It feels magical. I do think that you communicated with Ashley last evening. You asked pointed questions and she gave answers, so often in dreams, those commonsense things don't happen. Did you feel differently when you woke?

Rhonda, so glad that you were able to spend time with Westley's best buddy adn girl. Good for you, and good for Westley's buddy, as he must miss you too.

Sherry, so glad that you had a bit of rain. Tomorrow we shall see how the garden looks, it is drained now.

Carol, I am so excited that your Angel is working his magic with the numbers, first hotel rooms, now flights. Cool. Give Ralph a big hug. Yep, tears are healing.

Betsy, it must be hard packing it all up, I am thinking of you as you do this difficult chore. When is your actual move?

[Guest]

Good morning, Indigo's;

Betty - Sending you love, appreciation and peace. 

Sue - Kathy, Dee, Carol and others have given you wise words.  Please keep sharing.

Colleen and Dee - How's the water?  How's the house?  How's the car situation?  Mostly, how are you both?

Kathy - It's nice that you get a break from Tavian...I imagine it's a bit difficult, too, though.  I get so excited at the prospect of having a couple of hours away from the kids and then begin to miss them about an hour into my break.  They've never spent a night away from me since we got them.  Mariah was gone for a night with her class...but, that's all.  This Friday I am going to Evanston for two nights (meetings) and Gary is taking the kids with him to Gillette for a company picnic.  I'm thinking room service, a hot bath and my laptop (not in the bath)...  We're leaving for Iowa a week from this Wednesday.  Jennifer, my youngest daughter, plans on keeping the kids overnight....I plan on letting her. 

Sherry - I know what you mean about the weeds!  It's a never ending chore! 

Betsy - I forgot you were in the middle of moving.  Do you have a final move date?  Cool about the butterfly nudging your shoulder!  Love from your boy, I'm sure! Letting you know the move is right.

Rhonda - I sobbed those heart wrenching, gutteral cries constantly for the first few months.  Alone and not alone.  I didn't seem to have any control.  And yell?  Boy, did I yell.  I'm not known for going quietly into the shadows....God might be in charge and I will eventually surrender and find peace, but I let Him/Her know how I feel about it every step of the way.  Don't you worry about that yelling or sobbing or quiet weeping.  You're survivng.  You are literally walking through the valley of the shadow of death. What else can we call surviving the death of our child?  We are in the shadow of their death.  Early on, I journaled about people thinking I was doing so well, looking good, dealing quickly.  I was just quiet because I was a zombie, but on the inside I felt like a crazy woman, running hysterically down the streets, eyes wide with terror, hair every which way, arms flying in the air with just the vowel sound "aw" escaping from my throat in loud sounds.  That's what I felt llike.  What I did was sit in my grieving chair, wrapped in my portable electric blanket with my laptop.  That's about all I was capable of doing for months.  We will either move through grief, with grief, or we will be destroyed by grief. 

Amy - It was good to see Ashley's face this morning!  I absolutely think your dream was real!!  No doubt about it.  I've only had two dreams with Stephanie in them and I'm sure they were both from her.  As the first year mark approaches I am looking for a sign, something (anything) from her.  So far, not so much!  It will probably come when I quit looking. 

Carol - You and Ralph are on the top of my prayer chain!

Blessings all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom..........oh, I am going to call the coroner or police and tell them I want to see the pictures and investigation from Stephanie's crash site. 

[jefferysmommy]

Hello Indigo's,

Spent a weekend away just north of Kingston, Ontario visiting with my husbands family, it's about a 3 1/2 hour drive from where we are in Toronto, just east of the city.

I remember the shouting, screaming, sobbing and wailing, a few months after Jeffery passed, I was finally getting to the thank you cards for those that attended his funeral, and of course that in itself was tough, I left the thank you cards and the sympathy cards on my kitchen table ready to get back to them the next day, well that night, my ex, spilled coffee on the table and it got on to some of the sympathy cards that were out, I woke up and seen this and lost it on him, saying things like, you don't even care about your son, I slapped him and screamed at him, and later, much later, we talked and I did apologize, I knew that he hurt as much as I did and it was an accident, but at the time, I didn't handle it well.

Then again, on what would have been Jeffery's first birthday, my best friend drove me to the cemetary and my ex and I were no longer together, but he and his friend were also there, well, I lost it again, not at anyone that was there, I just lost it...I felt (and still feel) that Jeffery should be here, he should be having a birthday party with toys and cake smeared all over his face, but instead there I was bringing my baby flowers and a balloon, it's not fair.

I can't remember who mentioned it, (there was a lot to read since I went away for the weekend) but the reason I joined BI was my fear that something was going to happen to my living children, but since being here and reading the stories, I have been feeling better (the thought isn't gone, but I know other's feel the same.)  Like Dee said, I am also in hyper-worried mode, but again the same, I need to tame it so that my kids can experience life and live it to the fullest, both for their sake and mine.

Sorry to hear of all the floods, we have just been there ourselves, actually flooded good last July, and we were almost done renovating (as it was a finished basement) when this year, it flooded again, not as bad as last, but came through the new flooring that we laid. 

I'm sorry to have to welcome new comer's to this site, and hope that you find peace, love and understanding from those who have posted, I know I have.

Take care all,

Jenn - Jeffery's Mommy

 

 

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

good to see your post Jenn. Glad that you got away for a bit. Yep, anger can really warp our perspective, but it is a very real part of grief. I did not write thank you notes other than to the children that came to the wake and funeral, I just could not do it. I would sit each day determined to write 5 a day, and had a list of who I was thanking. But I just could not do it, could not keep writing: thank you for your support and love in the death of my Daughter. So I finally put all the cards away after I wrote to the children, and that was that.

Carol, how goes it today?

[briansdad]

[user=7435]ericasmom[/user] wrote:

Hi All,

good to see your post Jenn. Glad that you got away for a bit. Yep, anger can really warp our perspective, but it is a very real part of grief. I did not write thank you notes other than to the children that came to the wake and funeral, I just could not do it. I would sit each day determined to write 5 a day, and had a list of who I was thanking. But I just could not do it, could not keep writing: thank you for your support and love in the death of my Daughter. So I finally put all the cards away after I wrote to the children, and that was that.

Carol, how goes it today

You know Dee, I found the hardest thing I had to do was try to write the thank you notes. Jan seemed to have no interest at all. So I did what I could and then said screw it. It was just too damn hard. I wanted to tell them all what was in my heart and wasn't able to put that on paper so I quit. That's one reason I really don't post too often here because it's so damn hard to put how I feel on a key board. I guess that's called writers block Huh.

Greg

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos, 

My Thank You card were done right away.  I could concentrate on them and feel I was doing something for Stephen.  I felt lost when i had finished.  

I have been keeping a low profile lately  but have been reading al along.  I have been cheering you all  on in my mind,and smiling at the back and forth on Lorrie's twins.  I am afraid I am with Carol on that one. 

Dee , Sherry and Colleen, I do hope the gardens are doing OK by now and the horror of the flooding is over.  

Just to add to the thoughts started by Bonnie,  I also knew that Stephen would not live a long life and I am so glad he lived to the fullest!!!I do believe all our angels live the fullest life posssible.

Betsy,  thinking of you with the move.  Please be gentle with yourself and take it easy.  I am going to the Jersey shore this week and will think of you and Rich while there.

I am still feeding my little squirrel each day.  Here is his picture.   

 

 

 

Betty

Stephen'smom:) 

[shorty16]

Indigos

Thank you cards after our child's funeral - YUCK

I actually had a little party and invited about 12 of my neighbors and friends to help me write the thank you's.  Inside of the cards that were given or sent prior to the funeral, I wrote what they gave.  I had typed up a response to inform all the people what we were doing with the money.  That response was printed and placed in the cards.  My friends wrote Thank you's and included what that specific person(s) had given to us.

With 12 people it took 4 hours to complete the more than 600 Thank you Cards.  We got so much, I had to tell them what we were doing with the money.

We bought a lannonstone table and bench set and donated it to sunburst ski area.  Brian was an avid snowboarder and had season passes for 5 years runnning.

We donated 4 lannonstone benches to the HS for the senior gift that year. We have one lannonstone bench in our back yard.

I had alot of help with my Thank you notes.  Could not have done it otherwise.

Colleen

[Guest]

The other day, a good day, I thought I could finally send thank you cards.  I ended up just staring at my list.  I finally put the stuff away.  I still have dishes that belong to people who brought food in my pantry. 

I applied for survivors benefits through social security for the kid's college fund today.  I sat there and quietly cried.  As the tears fell down my cheeks and the words got stuck in my throat answering questions, the young woman (very sweet) asked if I was okay.  I told her this is just one more thing that makes my daughter's death so real. 

I'm feeling that empty, drained emotion that was so common those first few months, so the kids and I are going to take a nap....me, in my grieving chair...I wonder if I could sit in this chair without my laptop on my lap.  I literally take a nap holding it.  it's the damnedest thing!  Me and my laptop.  In the beginning (it's still the beginning, isn't it?) when I couldn't sleep, I'd take my laptop and cigarettes outside while the rest of the house was quite and just hold it.  I hate to write longhand and it's a must for me to journal my thoughts, emotions and experiences to work through them, otherwise they get stuck in my being somewhere....probably right at the base of my neck.  Anyway, I carry my laptop around and "journal". 

I think it will be important to Stephanie's kids someday.

Glad to hear that Ralph is doing better! 

Peace,

Stephanie's mom/Susannah

[westleysmom]

Thank you notes.  I know I wrote some but have no idea what they said.  It was so gut-wrenching to put into words what it was I was so appreciative for-their sympathy in the DEATH OF MY SON.  I cried so hard everytime I started writing them that I only sent to the absolutely necessary.  I hope those that were left out didn't feel slighted, but their real gift to me was not having to think about it while I wrote them a card, at least from my perspective.  I was never a thank-you note stickler before, and really not now.  If I do something for somebody that makes them feel a little bit of comfort, that's all the thanks I need. 

Hope all are drying out from floods.  We still haven't gotten rain, but its a little cooler.  I think I pulled a muscle doing a blasted walking video, trying to stay inside to exercise.  Getting old sucks. 

Loved seeing Ashley's pretty face, and Steph's and Erica's, all of our angels for that matter.   I don't know if you all know how much you have helped me these past few weeks. Consider this a thank you note to all.

I've been doing the back and forth with the life insurance company.  I had a policy that was just shy of 2 years old on Westley and they still haven't paid.  It had a suicide clause, and I can see why they couldn't pay until that was for sure not the cause of death, but they've been sending letters monthly that the "investigation" was ongoing.  I called them once and they told me that and it made me so angry.  I asked them what they were going to investigate?  He died in his sleep and didn't commit suicide, so what is the problem?  And then you think, they think I just want this money.  I would write them a check for the policy amount if that would make him be alive again.  Over and over if I had to.  And its like the benefits for the kids, it makes it really really really real if you receive life insurance benefit, doesn't it? Irreversible, as if it wasn't already. And then what to do with the money.  It wasn't that big of a policy, but funerals aren't cheap and neither are grave markers and we just paid for all that instead of making them wait for the policy to pay.  I got the policy in the first place because I thought surely if I had it, I wouldn't need it, you know?   But as I've come across papers from a Bible study group that I was in, where we had a prayer request each week, mine was always Westley.  I worried about him so much, and it wasn't like I had a premonition exactly, like some have said, I just worried about him.  I prayed and I worried and I talked to him until I was blue in the face, and I still couldn't save him.  Anyway, its just so draining talking about it with stranger, who acts irritated that your beloved child died and made all this work for them to do.  I'd give anything not to be talking to them too.

Rhonda Westley's Mom  

[briansdad]

Here is a link for some of the new people here.I try to post it every so often so you can find something that my help.

http://www.bpusastl.org/images/IN%20THE%20BEGINNING-01-03-06.pdf

Greg

[krichie]

I did the thank-you cards a week after Richie's death. I needed something that had a purpose to do, it was very emotional and hard and I am sure I missed people on my list there were so many cards and visits from people. I am amazed at the people out there that braught food and daily essentials to our house, some of these people we did not even know. Trying to make each card personal was very difficult and by the end I was just being generic in my responces, but I did get them done.

Its sad that I have a box of all the sympthy cards on my desk like a box of my kids keepsakes from school. This box should not be here it should be an empty box waiting for memories to fill it

I am a very anti social person and have never attended funerals before, but after going thru this I realize how important it was for me to see people and get a few hugs thru out the day, I will never opt out of going to a funeral again. I was very sick of hearing "I am so sorry for your lose" that by end of the day I wanted to scream at these people but with out them I would of been in phsyc ward.

 

[josephsmom90]

I think I wrote three thank you notes. Three people sent me flowers, and a few checks. The total arrangements were paid for and put together by Joseph's dad. He has money, I do not. Everything I have had I've spent on raising kids. And I felt terrible about that, so guilty, being poor and not paying for a thing. I think I wrote Steve a check for something or another but don't recall what it was. I was lamenting about it some months later when Michael and I were home. Michael, then 15, said to me "I don't know why you are worried about it, You raised him!" Wow that blew me away...

I'm having an up/down day. I've not been alone since Aug of last summer. And by then I had to be so together as Michael was coming home. I felt I needed to be there for him though. I mean he found Joseph and that is a LOT to bear. So I felt/feel responsible to bear his grief in addition to my own. This leaves very little time for me to personally gieve. And now being alone, with a year having passed, some of it is intense, and other times, I don't know. This is confusing, I mean a lot of the time I just 'buck up'. Like today, I was cleaning the fridge, taking meat off a chicken I'd cooked and wanted to freeze. Out of nowhere, I thought (briefly) of the state of my son's body in the black casket, and the pond. But for the most part my mind won't let me go there. I am hoping this is OK. So I got teared up, but I stopeed them. I don't know what to think of this and or if anyone else does this too.

[josephsmom90]

I hate insurance companies, it is such a scam! I am so glad I've not had to do all that stuff. As it was, and still is sometimes, I forget to pay stuff. I think I did then find out otherwise. It's hot here today. Windy, and I am having to make myself do things, like saying to myself "go do this' and that. When in reality I just want to sleep..

[ericasmom]

Betty, you look so pretty in your dress feeding the squirrel. Stephen's squirrel friends are your friends too. Low profile but all is well? Well you know...

Elaine, I love the avatar that you posted, so sweet. Yes, it is normal to stem the tide of tears for many, not anything I have ever been able to do. I cry without a moments notice sometimes. Many stop themselves as they feel they will never stop once they start. Some feel that it is a sign of weakness, (it isn't) and some hate displays of emotion. One thing we have all learned, there is no way around the grief, you already know this, so some days might mean crying for hours, somedays no tears at all, some weeks deep sadness, whatever, it is the way through to the other side, where of course it is still hanging out with you but differently.

WOW, to those of you that were able to do the cards, I am in awe.

Later,

dee