Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmum]

White angel wings in the clouds....two pair just to let you know they are their playing with the balloons....

Colleen - Sunflowers?  Someones favourite flowers?

Message on HowsRalph. Out of surgery minus one kidney.

Prayers the worst is over and now its just R&R.  Rest and Recline.

 

[Guest]

The nap and prayer helped.  When all goes well with the surgery and she is recovering well, I will take a day, rent a car, and drive up the coast......it's something I've always wanted to do, visit New England in the fall.  It won't quite be fall, yet, but I will still be able to visit the states.

 

[summergirl]

Dee - what a wonderful joy to come here and the first thing I see are the Flag Banners - there was Tavian's hand prints with "I love you to the moon and stars mommy" - the tears fell as I looked at each one....thank you my friend.

Lorri - I too am not a Jeff Gordon fan - just the hubby - he gets a bit aggravated with me when we watch the race as I have a tendency to "pick on Jeff" and hubby doesn't take it well.    But Jon BonJovi - well he is a different story as I intend on meeting him.

We got home late tonight as Barry had to see his doctor - he is down 76 pounds and looking great - his doctor was very impressed with his dedication to the weight loss.

My mom is doing much better than expected, her memory is returning but she is talking slower, moving slower but all in all she is doing well. Will remain in the hospital for a while and then my brother and I will probably fly out...once she is home and settled in.  Thanks to all our Angels for watching over her...

Tomorrow my girl would be 31 - will always be 26 to me...I miss her so much.

Love, prayers and strength, Kathy

[ericasmom]

Kath, glad to make you smile/cry.

Yep Lor, those are angel wings, All of our Angels' Wings...

Trud, thanks for the update on Ralph, one less kidney, one less worry of it making trouble.

Sus, whoa, what a lot of bravado and drive your Girl has to be going on adn surprising docs all of her life. I hope that you can get there and help her gain her strength.

Sherry, Colleen got all the rain, even the rain that we were guaranteed today went south of us to Indiana, so maybe you did get some.

Good night All, the downtown trip with 4 lovely 6th grade girls that I love and adore, wore me right out.

[heartbeataway]

Lorri,

Yes, I could see the angel wings .....

Dee,

Thanks for the pictures! I saw Jason's banner just fine. These banners are just precious to me! I hope that others will add banners for their children.

Please add a note and picture if you can to the notebook.

<3 u!

I've thought a lot about Ralph today ...... and sweet Carol of course.

Susannah,

Your waking was filled with my daughter died. I've said so many times that I had a ticker tape running through my mind ...... How can he be gone? How can he be gone? How can he be gone?

Now, his absence is the background noise in my life ..... ever present .....sometimes louder than others.

Well Indigos ........ tomorrow is another day.

Love for the journey,

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

[jefferysmommy]

Wow, so much has happened, since the last time I was here, where do I start.

Dee, I am so glad that you had a beautiful day for ERifest, and that it all went well, that banner is wonderful, even though I am in Canada, am I able to make one to send along so that Jeffery can be a part of it?  Let me know how I go about doing that.

Lorri, so glad for Kody, what a great pic, woo hoo white trash...nothing wrong with that at all. 

Kathy, I am the biggest Jon Bon Jovi fan, I will have to make it down to your neck of the woods and dine in that restaurant, that would be so amazing, just to be there, not even meeting him, if I did, wow, I don't know what I'd do!  He is playing here in Toronto tomorrow night, and sadly this is the first concert that he has played in Toronto, in the last several years that I will not be able to make it to.

Susannah, so glad that you will be with Amanda for her surgery, my thoughts are with you, and your drive up the coast will be a good one! 

In regards to what you were saying about already having been through so much, I felt the same way when Jeffery died, I had already gone through a ton of stuff in my first 21 years, it just didn't seem fair to have Jeffery gone as well, we had lived in an apartment building at the time and it faced another apartment building and the first time my now ex and I were alone, he was holding me and as I looked across at this other building, I said - Why not any of them, this is supposed to happen to other people, why did this happen to us?  (Not that I really wish it upon anyone else) and he said the most profound thing that I will never forget, he said - because to them we are the other people.

It wasn't comforting, it didn't take away the hurt, it didn't make me feel happy, but it was, I don't know the right word, true maybe?  It was real.

Carol, sending all my best for you, Ralph and your family.

Rhonda, the days will get easier, you will live through this, everyone has their own journey, over the last 14 years, the first few years were really tough, and then it seemed that the edges softened, I had some great friends, still have, that I was able to talk to, I cried, I vented, I blamed, I hurt, and it doesn't just stop in one day, and as you know the reason why I joined was that all those feelings came back strong, as they never really went away.  I can't give you any advice, just sharing what I know, and hope that it helps you in some way.  Big hugs for you.

Goodnight All,

Jenn - Jeffery's Mommy

 

[nicksdad]

[ericasmom]

Jen, I am glad that you liked the banners, you too Rhonda. Bonnie is the one with the idea to make these and gave us the directions to follow. Bonnie, maybe you can send those to our newest members.

Jen your husband said what my friend said some years ago in  a different situation. She had dealt with and lives on after breast cancer. She had a masectomy and this was probably 30 years ago or more, so things were not as advanced as far as survival rates. So when the WHY ME race began which raises a ton of money for breast cancer research, she said she just can't walk/run for that one due to its name, WHY ME. She said, "WHy me and why not me? It is going to happen to some women, for me to ask, why me, feels selfish. Why not me as easily or as randomly as the next person?"

And I agree, while it does not comfort it does reshuffle the cards a bit. Now as far as WHy Me, I always took it to mean the reasons why some get breast cancer and why some don't and the research that allows that discovery.

Bonnie, glad you are pleased with the photos of the banners. They are very special.

Love to all,

dee

[Guest]

Good morning, Indigo's!

What I do is talk about each trial, each new hurdle.  I found it is a must (for me, and I'm speaking only for me) to work it through completely.  I can't sugar-coat it.  I have to recognize it for what it is. I have to expose it fully.  It is only by bringing it out and looking at it thoroughly that I can identify "it" honestly.  Most of the time, I walk away with a little "oh....it''s not so bad after all."  Sometimes, though, it truly is a mountain.  Sometimes it's frickin' Mt Everest!  I will accept it and begin to climb it or ignore it......Ignoring it only makes me cringe the next time it comes in my eyesight.  "I still have to climb that frickin' mountain!  I've already climbed a mountain!  I've climbed several mountains!  Why do I have to climb it again!?"  I will even kick the base of the mountain. I'll Declare I'm not going to climb it!!  "Get somebody else this time!"

But that damn mountain just sits there.  I'll finally climb it....but you can bet everyone will hear about it with each step........

When I become truly enlightened I will walk quietly up each step.  Hell.  When I become truly enlightened I'm flying over the damn peak!

LOL...

Enjoy your day, Indigo's!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Indigos

Hello this morning.

Today, I am having lunch with Kathy, Mark's Mom.  Mark was one of Brian's friends.   Kathy has kept in touch with me and she is so understanding.  Even though she could never truly know how I feel, she is open to all my laughs, tears, good and bad times.  She is a good friend.

Hope you all have a good day also

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Lorri

I did see the angel wings in the photo of Erifest and balloons!!!!!!

Colleen

[lolynbo]

MICHELLE MICHELLE MICHELLE...IM NOT VERY ARTSY...BUT IM THINKING OF YOUR FAMILY TODAY, PLZ SURROUND AND LOVE ON THEM TODAY AND DAYS TO COME..

SUE THIS IS FOR YOU...

[lolynbo]

I FOUND THIS THE OTHER DAY...HAD NOT MADE IT YET BUT LOOKS YUMMY

 

COWBOY CAVIAR

This is fresh, healthy and delicious. People love it, even kids. You can make it ahead, so it's great for a summer party. Serve it with scoop-shaped tortilla chips, or have it on the side as a relish. I add extra cilantro, because there can never be too much cilantro!

Convert Measures

• 2 - 15 oz cans black beans, rinsed
  
• 1 - 17 oz can whole kernel corn, drained
  
• 2 large tomatoes, chopped
  
• 1 large avocado, diced
  
• 1/2 red onion, chopped
  
• 1/4 C fresh cilantro, chopped
  
• Dressing:
  
• 1 T red wine vinegar
  
• 4 T lime juice
  
• 2 T olive oil
  
• 1 t salt
  
• 1/2 t ground pepper

Directions

1. Combine all ingredients in a large bowl.
   
2. Chill if making ahead.

[westleysmom]

Okay, just a question, Does anybody not like Jon Bon Jovi?  I think its funny that all of us think he's all that.  We could have our own fan club. 

Kathy-Glad your Mom is better.  Maybe your Dad had the right idea after all, positive thinking.  Thinking of you on your Summergirl's birthday. 

Slept better last night.  Looking at Susannah's post reminds me of what my dr told me when I told him about Westley's death.  His own 28 year old wife died years ago, just fell dead of a heart attack as they were getting ready for work one morning, left him with an 18 month old son to raise on his own.  He told me that when something like that happens, its like somebody brings a whole truckload of sh** and dumps it in your front yard.  And its your job to get rid of it.  Some days you're moving it with a shovel, and some days all you can manage is a teaspoon.  But its your pile, and nobody can move it but you.  And you'll probably never get rid of it completely, but even if you think you have, all that grass under there is going to be yellow and lifeless for a long time. 

That's how I feel sometimes, yellow and lifeless!  But not all the time, and that's something, right?  Jenn seems to be the person who has dealt with this the longest, unless maybe its Sherry, and they're still hanging in there, so I guess the rest of us will make it. 

Have a good day all, and stay cool.  Still hot hot hot in TN.

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[heartbeataway]

 Jessica ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

[align=center]♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ Michelle

[/align][align=right]♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ Jessica

[/align]Michelle ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

[align=center]Jessica ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

[/align][align=right]Michelle ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

[/align][align=center]We say your names, we remember, we love!

[/align]

[mysonrich]

Michelle..Michelle....Michelle

 

 

[mysonrich]

Happy Birthday , Jessica !!

[mysonrich]

Gone too soon..all of our babies and the guitar players I love....hope Rich is rockin with Stevie right now

[shorty16]

Jessica, Jessica, Jessica - Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, saying thier name.  All our angels are gathering around your Jessica and Michelle

Thinking of you and your family today and always

Colleen

[shorty16]

Lorri 

That is so cool "Cowboy Caviar"

The "Caviar" was had at Dee's had some sugar in it---I had a sweet/sour taste  I think sugar and red-wine vinegar.

I did find a recipe and I will have to make this for my sister-in-law and her husband.  He is a veg-head (a term of endearment).

Thanks

Colleen

[Guest]

Is TODAY Jessica's birthday?  How could I have missed it?

In honor of you, dear Jessica.......In honor of your life.......In honor of your legacy which will never die.

[hotrod]

 

                    Jessica 

                          

                      Happy  Birthday

 

                   Michelle

    Remembering you on this Day

 

 

Betty

Stephen'smom

[ericasmom]

JESSICA

JESSICA

JESSICA DEAR---------

May the days be filled with great joy, great peace, and everlasting love. This is a day that brought the brightest star into the lives of your family.                  

Please let your Momma, Daddy, Brother BJ, and your dearest one, Tavian, feel your peace, and know that you are forever with them.

loving you Jess,

dee

[nicksdad]

[briansdad]

This one says it all.

[lolynbo]

DOES ANYONE KNOW OF ANYONE...THAT MAKES QUILTS OUT OF TSHIRTS/SHIRTS...I WANT ONE FOR KOURTNEY

[mikesmomrs]

Hey my indigo friends:  just a short chance to sign on at the hotel computer and catch you all up...so many posts to read...I only have 15 minutes time...

First:  Jessica, surround your sweet mom with your beautiful spirit and hold her and Tavian, your dad and your brother BJ, close and comfort them and send them strength.  Happy Birthday, beautiful, beautiful girl!

Susannah:  I am in Lebanon right now...the name of the hospital is Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center...a HUGE hospital, for sure...a teaching hospital with exceptional doctors and it sounds like Amanda found a really good one out of all the good ones!  I will be happy to help you in any way I can...as soon as I get home, she can call me.  I will email you my number.  I pray everything will work out for her, and if anyone can help her, I am sure this hospital can.  Do you know her doctor's name?

As for Ralph:  They didn't finish the surgery until almost 8 o'Clock last night...so you can imagine our state of mind by then.  BUT, the doctor came out and said everything went very well, better than expected---they were able to the surgery laporascopically...the kidney was twice the size of a normal one (don't know why yet), so they did have to make a 2-3 in incision, but better than the usual type.  When the doctors did the pre-surgery conference with us, they told us "It is very unlikely he won't need the extra days on the breathing tube, which will include constant sedation, etc., but it is also very unlikely it will lead into a---my mind is drawing a blank...where they put the tube in your throat...anyway, he said he really didn't think t \hat would happen.   Well, when they came out and told us we could go in to see him in the recovery room (only two of us), lo and behold...there himself is, propped up, looking terrible, BUT....drum roll here.....NO BREATHING TUBE!!!!!!!  YAY, YAY and YAY again!!!!! Thank God, thank all of you and all our family and friends for so much prayer!!!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!   He was pretty groggy, in tons of pain, but not so much that he couldn't reach for a paper and pen and write "Your money is safe, honey," meaning that since he's still around, I can still collect on his pension!!!   Oh, man, I knew then he was okay!!!   I just about passed out!   Yesterday and today have been days of such emotion...I just can't tell you! 

My time is up...need to go.  But, first, thank you again...than k you to all who signed in on Care Pages, and I know that not all of you have time to do that and that's fine...cause I know that you are still sending us love and and I know that you are still holding us close and in prayer...sending tons of love right back to all of you.

susannah, we will have to talk...motels are NOT 25.00, BUT there is a hostel near that only charges 15.00 a day...I will get their number so you can call...no kids is about the only rule I know of.  Since we have Rachel (9) with us, we couldn't go there.  We stayed in a DUMP the first two nights, but have moved today to a different hotel.

got to go.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Sweetie Carol,

I have tried to log in to the care pages but have had difficulty. I have used these before for a child that spent many months in the hospital, but I seem to be doing something wrong. Goodness knows that I am anything but consistent.

I am thrilled that Ralph has no breathing tube and hope that that continues, and that the kidney twice the size of the other, good riddance to it, it served him well for a long time, now get out of here. WITH great prayer adn hope, Ralph will be on the mend from now on. I know that your heart is full, and you know that our hearts are holding you all on this leg of the journey.

Peace Carol,

dee

[mpsmom]

[align=center]Jessica     Jessica     Jessica [/align]

[align=center]Happy Birthday [/align]

[align=center]Sweet Angel Girl  [/align]

[align=center]:):):):):):)[/align]

[mpsmom]

Carol, I have been away for so long, I do not know of the 'care pages', but I am so very happy that Ralph is doing well, I will try to 'read back' and find the 'care pages" and how to log on, although if Dee cannot -- I dont know if I can figure it out either.  Hugs to you and your family

Marcia   Bethanys Mom Forever

[Guest]

Carol - I am so happy for the good news about Ralph and that your money is still safe!  LOL  That's classic and could be a line for Grey's Anatomy....one of "my" shows.

Well, don't I feel foolish....fretting over Amanda and making plans to be there and the surgery won't be until the end of September........ 

Her surgeon's name is Robert Murry.  I'm not sure if I'm spelling it correctly...it could be Murray.  She wasn't sure about his first name, but she thought it was Robert.  The pain specialist's name is Janet Cobb. 

They need to schedule with the urologist, nephrologist and the surgeon to make sure all can be there for the surgery.  The surgery will take at least 10 hours.  That's how long the surgery took when she was two.  The one she had when she was 13 took a little longer.  I really doubt she has a fourth kidney.  I just think that would have shown up sooner.  I know she has an enlarged bladder and the uritors (sp?) from her kidneys to her bladder are in the wrong place on the bladder, but they work.  I hope they just leave well enough alone.  It was after the surgery she had when she was two weeks old that we found out her kidneys were deformed and both on the right side of her body......one above the other.  Sort of.  I don't know.  How the hell do I know?    I don't even know why I'm rambling on about it all..

It's her intestines that scare the hell out of me.  She has no rectom and no large intestine.  She has had so many surgeries on her small intestines that I'm worried there isn't much left to work with.  Her never having a rectom and/or any muscle or sphincter is what will prevent her from having an intestinal transplant.  They may be able to create another inside pouch, though.  If there's enough to work with. 

And, what about this cancer thing?  She must not have cancer.  Surely they would get her in quicker if they thought she did. 

Okay.  I'm nuts.  I need sleep.  I AM the mother the doctors dread.  I could care less.

She swallowed a washer the size of a quarter once.  She was 10.  She had chicken pox at the time.  It stopped her pouch up good.  We had to fly to Salt Lake to have it surgically removed.  I was in a panic, then, too.  After we got there, the doctor wouldn't operate on her while she had the chicken pox.  He was able to create just enough room in her stoma so gas and liquids could pass.  We had to wait around seven days for the surgery.  Fortunately, I have family in Salt Lake.  The rest of the kids stayed home with their dad.  They all got chicken pox while I was gone. 

You know........those are good memories.....    Stephanie was 8, Curtis was 5 and Jennifer was 4.  I missed the whole thing...

I'm done.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

Kathy - are you okay?

[Guest]

PS - For some people, caca doesn't happen.  (I'm cleaning up my language for y'all.

When people say to Amanda, "Opinions are like A...holes, everybody's got one," Amanda smiles and says, "I don't".....

just some butt humor.

[lolynbo]

GUR U AINT GOTTA CLEAN UP SHIAT....WE LOVE U THE WAY U R...IM NOT CLEANING UP MY DYSELXIA......LOL..

[Guest]

www.carepages.com/login

AFTER you register, left click on the word "visit" at the top of the page.  Then you can type in howsralph.  I believe you will be given a couple of options to choose from.  Carol made it easy for us by having Mike's included, by Ralph's.  Hope that helps.  I put it in my favorites so I can visit more easily.

[heartbeataway]

Rich and I have been at a low point for a couple of days.  In my mind I've been equating grief with being in prison ..... sentenced to life with no parole.

And then tonight Rich ran across a movie, I've Loved You So Long.  It was french and we had to read subtitles.  Kristin Scott Thomas

The last line in the movie was:

[align=center]The worst prison is the death of ones child ..... you never get out of it.

[/align]

[ericasmom]

Marcia, usually I mess up anything that has a plug or requires batteries. I tried the rules again just now thanks to Sus, but alas, it does not want me. It's all good.

Bonnie, that quote is amazingly sad and certainly true. Though I don't feel a prisoner anymore, I feel as though there will always be this faraway place inside where I need to be and be alone with my memories. I protect this place and I covet it. It is what is left. And there are times when that simply floors me. My Girl.

Love and hugs,

dee

[shorty16]

Lorri

I do not know anyone that quilts, but I have often thought about doing the same thing, but with Brians bandanas(sp).  He wore them alot and many were left at the crash site (about 12).  Right now they are layered around the downstairs TV room.  Over his snowboards, skateboards, Bob Marley posters, etc.

Great idea???!!!

Colleen

[Guest]

Hi All,

Making a quilt from the kid's clothes is a fabulous idea! 

Grief does feel like a prison, sometimes, doesn't it?  And, yet, it's such a holy place.  Maybe it switches from a prison to a monestary?

Sorry for the rambling about Amanda last night.  I get like that.  As if you didn't already know that about me...

Have a great day!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

I have heard of folks making quilts of their loved ones clothing, so I am sure that that service exists.

Sus, did not seem like a ramble or anything needing to apologize for. Your Amanda has many obstacles, but ther she is seeing to them. How wonderful.

Good day all, just woke up, my latest summer sleep in. Going to get my coffee.

[lolynbo]

 GOT THE NEWS ON TRIXIES BLOOD WK....ITS NOT GOOD...HOPED IT WAS BUT ITS NOT)...HER KIDNEYS ARE FULL OF POISONS AND BAD ENZIMES....SO TODAY ON KODYS 18TH BDAY MY TRIXIE GETS TO GO CELEBRATE WITH KOURTNEY LYNN...I SURE WAS HOPING SHE WOULD JUST TAKE HER IN HER SLEEP BUT...AGAIN WE HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE TO LET SOMEONE GO....LIFE IS TOOOO HARD TO PLAY SOMETIMES...

[Guest]

I'm sorry, Lorri.  I don't know what else to say..

[shorty16]

Thinking of you and Trixie today, Lorri.

Our angels will guide her travels

Colleen

[westleysmom]

Lorri-So sorry about Trixie.  My last pet, my cat Sweetie died last October.  I wanted to put a picture of her and Westley napping on here, but its too big.  I'm not sure how to make them smaller so I could post.  She was a tortoise shell, my Mama thought she was the ugliest cat ever, but I thought she was pretty.  She was 13 years old.  I miss her.

Bonnie-I saw that movie coming on the other night, and decided that Kristen Scott Thomas movies are almost always tearjerkers, and I needed no help with that lately, so I didn't watch.  I do feel like I'm in prison, but sometimes I don't notice, because I am too tired to try to escape.  Sorry you and Rich are having a hard time too.

Susannah-Your Amanda must be a very strong person, I guess she gets that from you.  My daughter had chicken pox at Thanksgiving one year and in the Christmas pictures, Westley has a spot on his face and he's as white as a sheet.  Needless to say, we got the chicken pox over with at my house that year.  Good times, huh?  We just didn't know it then.

I've had a couple of really bad days.  The last time I was at the dentist was two days before Westley died, and I had an appt this a.m.  It was all I could do not to cry while she was cleaning my teeth.  When my Dentist came in and got all finished, I took his hand and asked him if he knew our son (my husband is a patient too) had died in January.  He did not, but he was very sympathetic and told me how sorry he was.  We've been going to him for 25 years and I just wanted to tell him, I'm not sure why.  I was shaking and crying a little before we finished talking, which I knew would happen, but I didn't wail.  I just kept thinking about the last time I was there, everything was so different than it is now.  What the hell?  Did that really happen?  Can I be back here getting my teeth cleaned, just like I did then?  It doesn't seem real sometimes, all the time, if I'm being honest.  Anyway, its been a rough couple of days, but I have been sleeping better. 

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[ericasmom]

Lorri, Trixie is ready, she will fly so quickly to the awaiting spirit of Kourt. Our cats both went together, Stormy and Bullet. They were Eri and Jon's cats. Husband does not like cats, but of course loved them as he had almost no choice. But at 16.5 years old, it was time. Storm (eri's) was still pretty agile, healthier than Bullet (jon's) but they came into the world together, they needed to leave together. We had the vet in the house to give them the shots to make them sleepy, then thee shot. So we each held a cat, the vet said that Storm might not go right to sleep since he is pretty big, but hey, he looked up at me, purred as I pet him, and conked right out, he too was ready, and I do believe as tears streamed down our faces adn the cat's last life scooted out of them, that ERi received them.

Blessings dear Trixie.

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

I am posting a message from "SUE who lost her son Joshua and has posted several times to the Board but has not successfully reached your kind meaage board.

I have told her how to access youall and said I would copy her last message here for her so she could find her way. 

Sue wrote:

Hello,

I an new to this site and want to make sure that I am posting in the right area. My first born,37 year old son died last February. Is this where I need to be? Sorry for being so lost.

Thanks.

Sue

 

I am still reading but unable to post.  Have you all in my thoughts an prayers.  I too feel as if I am in solitary confinement in prison without any hope of repreive.  My world has lost the joy.  Dee your message are always so full of hope  I am following Carol and Ralph on the Care web site and really feel that you guys are my family even when I can not speak!!

Sue praying for your daughter

Betty Stephen'smom:)  I really love to put that smiley face there because Stephen always signed his emails and cards with his name and a smiley.  Sweet memory

[sussyqueed]

Thank you so much. Yes, I am new to this site and have suffered a great loss. This is my situation.

Hello,

 As I write this, tears are streaming down mym face and I again have that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I first posted on the general 'loss of a child ' but was then directed to the 'loss of an adult child' section. I think I'm loosing my mind so, here's my story.

Hello,

 Just this morning while driving home from a short shopping trip, I started to cry. I’m not sure what it was that I saw or remembered that brought the tears. Maybe just the fact that it was Saturday and I thought about the many times my son, daughter-in-law and grandson would go out shopping or to breakfast. Whatever it was, the tears were uncontrollable and the hurt in my gut was gripping.

            It has been almost 5 months now since my oldest child, 37 year old son Joshua,  died of a sudden and unexpected massive heart attack. For the last 10 or so years, he and his wife and child have lived just 2 doors down from me so I saw them often and was very close to my son. Joshua was the most kind hearted person and was always there to help. Because I am disabled and have a difficult time walking any distance, he helped with out complaint if I needed the trash taken out or and errand run. Joshua was a big man with a big smile and a big bear hug. He was also diabetic.

            The night that he died, I heard the sirens coming up the street and always, when you hear something like that, you hope that it isn’t for a neighbor or friend. But they stopped and as I left the house as quickly as I could to check on things, there they were, the fire trucks and ambulances in front of my son’s house. The house was filled with chaos and my daughter-in-law and grandson were on separate ends of the couch wailing. I grabbed my grandson and asked him to pray with me. No amount of prayer that night could fix what had just happened. Joshua, my first born, the kindest, sweetest most loving man I’ve ever known was dead.

            I remember bits and pieces about the rest of that night but not all. I know that family and friends quickly showed up at the house while the EMTs were there and I remember someone covering me with a blanket. The paramedics had asked us to go outside of the house. It must have been cold. In fact, all that I can remember about the first week and a half is crying and family bickering. But, my son was gone. There was no band aid, no pill, so magic that could bring Joshua back.

            It has been about 5 months now since that horrible night. My daughter-in-law packed up, abandoned their home and left the state with my grandson in tow. I weep for the loss of my son every day. I weep for the loss of being able to see my grandson almost every day. I weep because this is far beyond the worse nightmare I could ever have and nothing that I do can change the fact that he’s gone. I miss him terribly. I miss my grandson terribly and am so angry at his mother for taking him away from the only family and home he's ever known. Now, she won't let me speak with him on the phone and does not respond to emails.

            I still have trouble looking at photos of Joshua and Matthew. I can’t listen to music. I don’t want to go anywhere unless I absolutely have to and I don’t want to talk to anyone except a select few. I have no appreciation right now for the summertime. No one could possibly imagine the pain of loosing their child unless they’ve been through it. Never in my right mind did I think that I would loose one of my children. It’s not supposed to happen that way. Parents go first, not children. He was only 37. He was loved by dozens of friends and all of his family and especially by me.

            Yes, I went through grief therapy which helped a bit but it doesn’t fill the hole that has been left in my heart. Reason tells me that things will get better with time. Reason tells me that I am not alone in this. Right now I feel drained and would rather sleep the day away, forgo my morning shower or sit in a corner with numbness at my side. Reason isn’t working very well. I am angry at Joshua's wife for taking my grandson away and for ignoring his physical and emotional needs. I am angry at her for not taking better care of my son. He worked 6 days a week while she sat on her rear and watched TV...selfish, self centered and lazy. I'm angry at myself for just 2 weeks ago I was told that I too am diabetic. Could I have done more to help him? I cry and my heart aches for the loss of not only my son but grandson as well. She has cut off all communication and will not let me talk with him on the phone. She doesn't respond to email. Life will never be the same.

            I hope to gain some comfort from this group. I hope to get part of my life back.

Thanks for listening.

Sue

[lolynbo]

SHE WENT VERY PEACEFULLY SHE JUST FEEL FAST ALSEEP NOT A SOUND....AS I WAS HOLDING EHER LIL HEAD..TELLN HER TO LOVE ON MY GIRL WHEN SHE GETS THERE

SHE IS BURIED BY THE STORM CELLAR WHERE SHE LOVED TO PLAY QUEEN OF THE HILL....THANKS FOR THE KIND WORDS FOR OUR LIL DOG...

[daveydow1]

Lorri----So sorry about Trixie passing on. It's good that she went peacefully,

and as you said....she is now with Kourtney Lynn.  Oh, thanks for the Cowboy

Caviar recipe. Sounds yummy.

HAPPY   BIRTHDAY, DEAR   JESSICA.

Rhonda---Sorry about your cat's poor health. I also have a tortoise shell cat

who is 14 yrs. old. I will be sad when the time comes to put her to sleep. I'm

glad that you were able to get a better night's sleep. Peace, friend.

REMEMBERING SWEET MICHELLE.....MICHELLE......MICHELLE.

Carol----So glad that Ralph's surgery went so much better than expected.

Sending thoughts & prayers your way for a good recovery.

Colleen---A bandana quilt would be so nice & colorful. It would be a nice

 remembrance of your beloved Brian.

Sue-----I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son Joshua. The 5 mo. mark

is a very painful time.....it seems like one is just coming out from under all the

numbness and confusion. Please come back to BI. Everyone here knows, firsthand,

the pain, sorrow, and yearning for the lost child. I have been on this site for 7

yrs. and find it to be a lifeline. Peace to you.

Dee---Oh, your story of Bullet and Stormy is so very touching. I think everyone here

loves their pets......cats, dogs, and find their passing to be so heartwrenching....

expecially if they were our deceased child's pet also. Davey's pup, Dash, died a

short while after he got it from the animal shelter. Died of Parvo virus. Dave was

19 at the time, and cried when his pup died....never got another one.  I bought

a dog statue like Dash.....painted it to look like the pup (black & white) and he

now sits at Davey's gravesite.  I like to think that Dash greeted Davey with lots

of tail wagging when Dave came to heaven.

       Peace & tranquility to each and everyone here in the BI family.

              Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[summergirl]

Tavian loves this song - he has down loaded it on his i-pod touch pad. He asked me to listen to it so I want to share it with you all.