Loss of an Adult Child

[josephsmom90]

Lisa,

I am very sorry for your loss.  l lost my son Joseph a year ago in June. He was 19. I am so so so sorry you have lost your son. I will pray for you daily. Peace.

Elaine

[Guest]

Lisa - I am so sorry for the loss of your son!  Please come back...read, share...just be.  This is a safe place.  Your son, and you, are in my prayers from this moment forward!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lisaelifritz]

My daughter Amy died June 13th, as a victim of Toxic Shock Syndrome. She was 20.

I'll probably do a lot of reading for a while, not so much posting.

This is the news cast on her death.

http://www.wishtv.com/dpp/health/family-wants-answers-in-tampon-death

[ericasmom]

Quell's Mom and Lisa's Mom, it saddens me to see two new names here today, we have really seen a lot of new Moms with us, and you make two more. There is always room don't get me wrong, it just saddens my heart that two more families have suffered so, and will suffer some more.

I am glad that you found this place, and I do hope that as you get to know us all, you will see that we are here to assist each other.

Belssings to you both,

Love,

dee

[mikesmum]

Its been wild weather here lately.  High winds, low temps and hail.  This is Muttley looking longingly at me for a walk.......he nags with his eyes.....

 

[josephsmom90]

Oh but what precious eyes he has. I take Sassy on two walks a day. She is spoiled, but so deserving, 12 yrs of faithful service.

I HATE JUNE 13th! I am having a tough time with certain 'thoughts'

[nicksdad]

Colleen..You mention about the insurance bill and it made me think. Last week a letter came for Nick and I never look at mail (not my thing) but for some reason I sat there just looking at the name...sucks!

But, we use to get those calls early on about bills. Nothing big but a jewler I remember because they called a few times and the one time the lady actually said "well don't you think Nick would want you to pay the bill?"....As furious as I was at that statment it almost became humorous when she said it. My respone was "well now that you put it that way, NO!"..."He would not want me to pay you, and he would find it amusing that you think he would want me to pay it"..She never called again.

On top of that he had a few car notes from a credit union which amazed me because he would put in for these car loans and within hours he'd have approval. I could not believe they were giving loans that easy. I thought that would be a massive ordeal to deal with them. But, went there, in an office with a lady and she pulled out some paperwork and then told me she lost her son 15 years earlier. In and out of there in 10 minutes and never a word from them.

[Guest]

Lisa (Amy's mom) - I read the article.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I'm glad you found us.  This is a safe place to just read or share.  There are no rules.  Unfortunately, we all know exactly how you feel. 

My 28 yr old daughter, Stephanie, was killed in an ATV accident on August 9, 2009.  I can't believe it's been almost a year.  It feels like it was just yesterday. 

Shortly after Stephanie died, I received one phone call from a bill collector.  I don't remember who she owed money to.  I quietly told them she died and hung up the phone.  Until this topic, I never gave any thought to the fact the hospital or emergency response has never contacted me for money.  She had no insurance.  Maybe they went after the guy whose 4-wheeler she was riding.  I doubt it.  He had no money or insurance either. 

Shelby nags with her eyes, too.  LOL.   

Have the best day possible under the circumstances...

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[heartbeataway]

Lisa, Jaquells Mom and Lisa, Amy's Mom .....

I am so sorry for your losses!  There is nothing we can do to take that away but you have found a place where collectively you will find understanding, caring and love from folks who understand the heartbreak of losing a child.

I refer to my grief as the "background noise" in my life .... always there, sometimes louder than at other times ........ sometimes so loud it drowns out life as others know it almost bringing me to my knees.

Pour out your heart with your keyboard and we will be here listening with our eyes and responding with wisdom gleaned from our own broken hearts and grief experiences. Over time the pain will get softer and you'll cherish those memories of the life that is no longer in this realm with you ......

Again, I'm so very sorry for your loss.

With you on this journey,

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

BTW, Our son died suddenly in April 2007 of  ARVD/C.  It was a sudden heart death. He had no previous symptoms, his first manifestation was death. He was 31 and at such a cool place in life.  He owned his own small construction company, was engaged to be married and looking forward to the future.  He was my only child, our only son.  Life has not and we know it never will be the same. So, we move forward and try to do what we think he would want us to do.

[heartbeataway]

There has been some talk of bills and mail .....

We still get mail with Jason's name on it.  I had one that came in and in big letters said, Jason, wish you were here .......

If they only knew!!

We had hospital bills, his normal everyday life bills, etc ...

He died on Saturday morning, the following Friday his company payroll needed to be done.  Just a few checks but ....

When my husband called the bank and they found out he was gone, his account was frozen until we got some legal paperwork in place.  We had to make his payroll so we wrote our personal checks.  We did what we felt we had to do as we stumbled through those first days, weeks and months of "the loss of Jason".

The company that just about drove me crazy was Dell Computer.  They were relentless and not a smidgen of understanding or compassion.  I was getting calls with 24 hours of the first missed payment. He died on the 28th of April.  His payment due date was the 15th.

They called numerous times a day and even when I told them that he was gone and we were trying to wrap our arms around everything, they would not give up .....

Personally, I will NEVER buy another DELL product if there is anyway I can avoid it!

Not that that in anyway will punish them but it's my own little protest to a company that was incredibly cruel!

[shorty16]

I have read talk concerning moving after our childs death.  The next morning after Brian's death, Scott said "We should move"

My reply "We cannot do that to our kids"  "Their brother is dead, now we want to take their friends?"  We cannot do that.

Scott was in so much pain, he would have done anything (almost) to stop the pain. 

We never did and will not move until either Scott or I pass.  Then the house is just too big for one person.  We have already discussed it.

Love the talk on how each of us dealt with this terrible journey a bit differently?

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[lisaelifritz]

I'm curious if anyone else has had to deal with the press after the death. I keep getting messages wanting interviews and information. I'm so torn because I want to shout and scream at every young girl in the world about how dangerous tampons are and how you CAN die from using them.  One network is insistent that CNN is picking up and wants the story too.  but.... one certain person we 'hired' is insistent that we keep everything quiet until the 'process' is over which could be 5 years or more. How many young women will die before that?? How many women can I save? I'm told to tell the press I'm grieving and can't talk, yet I want to grab them by the arm and sit on them until they listen to the entire story. everything I've learned!

I've been talking daily to a lady from Texas that buried her 21 year old daughter from tampon related TSS just last saturday. 

[briansdad]

I'll never forget when I called Honda Credit to tell them that in order to get paid they would have to deal with the insurance company.Brian hadn't made one payment yet. The lady at Honda started to cry.I told her if they could please keep me out of any transactions between them and the insurance company. Sadly they couldn't because Brian hadn't even applied for the title yet.I also had to go to the salvage yard to get my helmet Brian had borrowed that morning.The lady who was holding it somehow knew that Brian had died.She was crying pretty hard as well. I also went to take pictures of the bike because I had to know.I'm not sure what good it did thinking back on it today.........

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

With everyone sharing about letters and bills after the passing of their child  I was thinking about  the fact that I still get the racing newletter addressed to Stephen and I cherish it  .  It feels as if he is still near.

  I had no problems with credit card companies or hospitals but I will never buy another Chrysler Car again. I know how you feel Bonnie as I experienced the same treatment as you did from Dell , from  Chrysler.

Stephen had purchased a 2002 Ram truck from Chrysler, had Death Insurance thru Chrysler, had paid 4 years on the truck.  When he passed, I called them and  they advised me I would have to pay off the truck and deal with the insurance comapnay myself.The Insurance was thru a  different division and they did not work together.

   The car payment department called Stephen's home every morning at 8 AM and although I answered and explained that that "THEIR INSURANCE COMPANY  was cutting the check to CHRYSLER not me and it would be mailed within 2 weeks they refused to stop the calls.  I went to the better business bureau, demanded to speak to managers etc the calls continued.  The Insurance finaly paid off within a month and they then called and said that the payment was overpaid and they would mail a check to the estate.  Never again will I purchase a car from that company.

Selling the house, handling his other car and possessions was difficult but the Truck issue nearly destroyed me .  The truck found a very happy home with my "Fireman Nephew".  When he visits me  he always asks "will it bother you if I drive the truck to your house.  Amazingly enough I love to see it as it also reminds me of "Stephen" and I remember just how he loved that truck.

I am glad I could share about that it has been bothering me for so long.

Betty Stephen'smom:)

[shorty16]

Amy's Mom

I had to deal with the press, but for me, they just wanted dirt.

They wanted to know how crushed a parent can be when their child has a hand in their own death.  They just wanted tears on TV.

I have often thought about being some-kind of spokes-women for Mothers Again Car-Surfing or something.  But I do not have the strength.

Your sistuation is different - Kinda like Jeff's son, Alex who died of menengitus.  Jeff will talk to anyone who will listen.  His family sponsors a run/walk each year to raise money for education and research.  Jeff and his family live in WI,

Jeff is Brian's cornea recipient.  We donated Brian's tissue and eyes, we could not donate vital organs, because Brian died at the scene.

In my humble opinion, If you have a story to tell and you think you could save someones life - tell it.

Thinking of you

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Betty, how glad I am that you could get that out in the open and off your mind a bit. SO good to see Stephen's handsome face, and read your words. Missed you.

Lisa,  sorry I was too tired last night to post, so I mis-named your Daughter and I misspelled every other word. Should not post when over-tired. Amy is so pretty, and I am so very sorry that she died so young. Your Daughter smiling out is the picture of lovliness. I don't blame you for wanting to talk to the media, and I wonder if you could simply say that your Girl died but due to lawsuit you are unable to discuss the case, maybe giving folks at-least a warning in that message alone. I am sorry that this silent killer is not obliterated, and that you are actually talking with another Mom who recently lost her Girl. I listened to adn read the article and my heart weeps for your loss.

My girl, Erica, was 19 when she died 7 years ago. She was in a car and hit by an Amtrak at a broken crossing in Michigan. We live in the Chicagoland area.

Dan, now I see the new avatar, what a cutie that Nick is.

Greg, so moving to go get the helmet.

Bonnie, I don't blame you for not wanting to deal wtih Dell, and Betty, with the car company.

dee

[krichie]

I never saw the bike , well I did that night when we were at the scene but it did not register and still can not picture it not that I want to. The salvage yard charged us 35.oo a day and the finally cost was like 3000.00 by the time the police where done with it and lawyers so we could have itr destroyed.

I was beginning to think the bike was trying to tell us we needed to see it or something because it did not want to be destroyed.

I called them a few days after accident to have them dispose of it, but the police called saying they needed it for a vehiucle autopsy. 10 days later they called to say they were done so I again called to have it destroyed but the insurnce company wanted to take pictures. 3 days later they were done and again I called to get rid of it then my lawyers called saying they wanted it for any trials ect... After another week they told me they would just take pictures. So it took almost a month before I could finally get it off my mind and distroyed. The lawyers sent a photographer to take pictures and thats what made them decide not to keep it for trial. This photographer said that she was not superstitious but the minute she got near the bike she had real bad vibes and was shacking. and had a slpitting headache.

I wish now that I had the guts to go look at it becuase it clearly did not want to be destroyed

we never got his helmet or jacket back and I was told these were intact with no damage also very exspensive but they vanished that night. Hospital said tow company took and they never would return calls

sorry Greg mentioning getting his helmet braught this all back for me.

I guess not only dealing with a sudden gut wrenching earth shattering lost  just dealing with people and red tape makes it even more  painful

[briansdad]

[user=56794]krichie[/user] wrote:

I never saw the bike , well I did that night when we were at the scene but it did not register and still can not picture it not that I want to. The salvage yard charged us 35.oo a day and the finally cost was like 3000.00 by the time the police where done with it and lawyers so we could have itr destroyed.

I was beginning to think the bike was trying to tell us we needed to see it or something because it did not want to be destroyed.

I called them a few days after accident to have them dispose of it, but the police called saying they needed it for a vehiucle autopsy. 10 days later they called to say they were done so I again called to have it destroyed but the insurnce company wanted to take pictures. 3 days later they were done and again I called to get rid of it then my lawyers called saying they wanted it for any trials ect... After another week they told me they would just take pictures. So it took almost a month before I could finally get it off my mind and distroyed. The lawyers sent a photographer to take pictures and thats what made them decide not to keep it for trial. This photographer said that she was not superstitious but the minute she got near the bike she had real bad vibes and was shacking. and had a slpitting headache.

I wish now that I had the guts to go look at it becuase it clearly did not want to be destroyed

we never got his helmet or jacket back and I was told these were intact with no damage also very exspensive but they vanished that night. Hospital said tow company took and they never would return calls

sorry Greg mentioning getting his helmet braught this all back for me.

I guess not only dealing with a sudden gut wrenching earth shattering lost  just dealing with people and red tape makes it even more  painful

I can truly say that when the bike was new and sitting in my garage I had bad vibes about it. I will tell you the night before Brian died he and my daughter went to a going away party for a friend in the service. I remember laying in bed and praying please God get my kids home because i couldn't live without them.He answered that prayer but the next morning Brian died.

[westleysmom]

Hey all-So sorry to hear of newcomers to the site. Loved the story of Stephen's one more day and pictures of Muttley.  Westley didn't owe money to anyone, but the Life insurance company we had a policy with was hard to deal with.  They have only last week finally decided to pay.  Policy was less than 2 years old, but the death certificate came in March, I think it was, and clearly said Accidental death, and suicide was supposed to be their only out.  They contacted all pharmacies around here concerning prescription medicines.  WTH was that all about?  He had hardly any prescriptions, mostly for antibiotics or allergy medicine, in the last five years, and what possible difference does that make anyway?  The cause of death was accidental, and if I'd had the accidental death rider (didn't) they probably would have given me grief over that, as if I needed anymore.  I looked at the news report on Amy, so so sad.  I will mention to friends with daughters, that is something that I kind of thought didn't happen anymore, TSS from tampons.  Even one is too many. 

Cemetery visits on Sunday are so hard.  I saw a pictures at MILs after lunch and just picked it up and looked at it, tried to go back in time.  It was 9th grade, I think, no glasses yet.  He was so handsome.  God I miss him.  When I go to the cemetery alone, I usually just cry and tell him I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry.  I would do anything to have him back, but you all know that.  Busy at first of month so don't get to post much, but take care all.

Rhonda Westley's Mom 

[mikesmum]

Its business as usual for the rest of the world when we lose our children.  When Mike died his mobile phone company was referred to us by his partner.  He owed on the 'plan'.  She hadn't told them he had died so I broke it to the young accounts person who broke down.  They wrote off the debt.

Two days after Mike died his ex Lauren (think Glinda the good one) rang to tell us she was with Amanda (think the one the house fell on).  Amanda had told her Mike was insured for $400,000.00 but she needed to keep it a secret. It was news to us. The policy was taken out 6 weeks before he died....

I had a call the next day from the bank who held the policy. Seems Mike's partner had put in the claim form already.  (we hadn't had the funeral) Micheal had my name as a contact on the policy.  When I explained that Mikes death was unexpected and that the coroner was overseeing the death they were happy to hold the claim.   Amanda wasn't happy (think a rattlesnake been stood on).

We had correspondence from the bank for over a year - all addressed to "The Estate of Micheal Hendrie".

Colleen - I think Scott is like most guys, correct me if I'm wrong Greg, their job is protect their families from hurt.....moving away from where you lost Brian was his idea of protecting you from the pain......glad you both came to understand Michelle and Aaron still need their network of friends to get them through losing their brother.

Off to Calligraphy, wet and cold today.  Muttley is on the afternoon shift of walks today.....

[ericasmom]

[ericasmom]

Tell you what Trud, when you say off to calligraphy class, I just get a warm feeling in me. I am once again, thrilled that you are taking these. Something wonderful I do believe.

Rhonda, glad you had time to post in this, your busy part of each month. Awful insurance folks treating your Son's claim like a hassle. Why have insurance then?

The bad feeling around the bike, Richies Mom, being destroyed sounds like it was saying something to you. I am glad that everyone that needed the bike had time with it, but was the bill really yours to pay then? Odd, it should have been kept for evidence in  some holding place without a rental feel. The energy felt is very interesting. And Greg, the sense of the negative when you first saw the bike...I do believe that we were privy, many of us, to some glimpse or sense of what was coming.

dee

[daveydow1]

Carol-----Continuing to send prayers for Ralph, you, and Cathi. Cute story

about the hay. Our garden is doing great---actually getting too much stuff, and

giving it away. Our fridge blew up this a.m., so much food to be thrown out, but

did manage to get a new one, and have it delivered the SAME day....today.

Susannah---So glad you had the chance to get a nice rest, and now you are

feeling refreshed, and the grandies so glad to have you back home. David was

killed by a sleeping truckdriver......barreling down a freeway....and crashing into

Daviey's car....crushing it flat. Dave lived only about a little over 1 hr.....transfused

with many units of blood, but trauma/injuries too great. He died in the ER.

Dee---Glad that some of your flowers survived the flood. Such a nice visit you

had with all your relatives.....to the zoo, and out to dinner.

Colleen, Betty and others who have had to deal with people calling and demanding

payments/answers after a child's death. Yes----it is heartbreaking. Some people

are more understanding and gentle than others who are only after the payment,

or whatever they seek to get. I received a letter about 2 yrs. after David died, and

on the outside of the envelope it said  "David.....what's in your Future?"  (it was

from some school).....I cried. Three wks. ago, I received a letter addressed to Dave,

from a politician.....asking David for donations. To top it off.......the politician was

NOT one that David would have supported anyhow.

Betty---What a beautiful writing for "One More Day" with Stephen.

Lisa---So sorry for your loss of your dear son, Jaquell. Please come back to BI,

and read/post. This is a good site with lots of understanding people who know,

firsthand, the pain of losing their beloved children. Peace to you.

Lisaelifritz---I am sorry that you have lost your lovely daughter Amy....so young.

I hope you will return to BI.  Everyone here knows the pain & sorrow you are in,

with the tragic loss of your dear Amy.  Thoughts & prayers.

              Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[briansdad]

Went to the cemetery on Sunday. Brian's best friend got married and I know Brian would have been the best man.When the reception was winding down Jan asked for one of the floral arrangements off the table to put at the cemetery.

Here they are in better times.

[krichie]

The drunk drivers insurance ended uop paying the storage fees but it took some doing to get them to actually pay that bill.

I just got a letter today from my lawyers and I guess a settlement is getting ready to finally finish. I hiored a lawyer after the crash cause everyone and there neighbor was telling us we needed one. I am not after money for my family but would like any insurance money possible to be put in a trust for his 2 children. It will not be much they might both get like 15,000 but its something whebn they turn 18 and get out on there own.

I saw the hospital bill Richie was only there for a little over an hour and it was over 53,000. I do not know how they justify charging that amount weather its to families or insurance companies. I can see why companies are having a hard time giving insurance benefits to there employees with prices like that

I still have not heard anything from Richies girlfreind or seen my gandson. I know she did hire a lawyer to interfere with what my lawyer is doing. It is strange I braught her to every lawyer appt I had and she know that any money recovered is for the kids. I am hoping she can not touch it.

She is also demanding his dirtbike back, I told her once that if she returns all the nascar collection we baught Richie since he was 10 I would gladly give her anything. She is claiming she does not have it and that Richie must of sold the collection before his death-- This is clearly a lie we were at his house afte christmas helping her with the electricty and the collection was still on shelves in the living room.

 

[westleysmom]

Colleen-We were not able to donate any of Westley's organs because the time of death was during the night, and the ME had to do the autopsy.  When we were at the funeral home, someone called from a place that wanted to see if we would donate skin tissue for burn victims.  I remember being on the phone, and I almost smiled thinking that maybe we could help someone, anyone.  It would have given me some comfort.  But it turned out because of the autopsy that we couldn't even do that.  I didn't know it, but I heard my husband telling somebody, his brother, I think about that phone call later.  He said that I smiled, and he thought "Maybe it was a mistake, he's really alive." When I realized that, I felt so awful, that I'd given him that hope and then it was dashed when I told him why they were calling.  I guess he thought the only thing that could have made me smile that day was for it to all have been a horrible mistake.  I wish we could have helped someone through organ/tissue donation.  I think its so wonderful that you were able to and that you know one of the recepients.  I think my Mama would have died if I had done it, but I would have.  Some people are just funny about that, but I think about people who get another chance, and  I've decided its worth it. 

We received the life insurance payout in today's mail.  I'm not sure how I feel about it, doesn't matter I guess.  At least I don't have to talk to them anymore.  Sometimes, I just get so tired of thinking about it all.  My mind is tired, do you all feel that way?  I'm going to give it (and y'all) a break now.  Thanks for listening.

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[summergirl]

Ok - now that the tears have stopped I can post a bit.  I HATE it when I come here and there are new member's - my heart and mind scream NO, NO, NO - I do not want these parents to have to be here, I do not want anymore of the young to die...I feel their pain so much and I just break down.   Now on the other side of the coin I reach out and WELCOME you to the site that will help you in more ways than anything else can.     I am so sorry for the loss of Amy, she is beautiful and way to young, I read the article and I agree with Dee - maybe there is a way to reach out to the world without having to "dicuss" the particulars due to lawyer / court issues.   I am Kathy and I lost my daughter Jessica Feb 18, 2006 from ARVD.....she was 26 years old. This site has honestly saved my life so many times.   Please, new to this site, post as often as you can and tell us of your loss, pictures, life - we are always here. 

Greg - I love the picture.

Trudi - let me know about the "writing" class - I have always wanted to learn sign language but am having a hard time finding anywhere close enough to take classes. I need to do something :?

I am sorry once again that the words seem to escape me for posting.  I do not know what is wrong, I have so much to say and yet the words do not come.  I am reading all and thinking and praying for all....always in my heart and mind. Peace, love and strength, Kathy

[krichie]

westlysmom.

I think I will be glad when the insurance and estate is all settled as well just so I no longer have to think about that and deal with it too. I guess its one more chapter being closed and a step closer to healing.

We could not do organ transplants for Richie either due to injuries and blood lost and also time, he would of wanted to help others and I agree anything to help someone else suffer less.

have a good night I think I will be taking a few days away from computer and try to get some household things done that have been neglected far to long

[josephsmom90]

If anyone out there has any tips for dealing with all this while being alone, lemme know. I'm really struggling. Thanks.

[mysonrich]

Josephsmom,

I don't know if I have any tips. I can tell you what I did however, it was very difficult . I was going over paperwork just the other day I realized my sense of time or time passed is way off. I'm missing time if that makes sense.

I went to work. One foot after the other. I called my brother, his son died at 13 from cancer. I called him and wasn't afraid to say exactly what was on my mind. Was I out of my mind? Very much so.

I went to work...I came here everyday. I read at first and one day started to write. I made some friends. I also pissed some people off. When you have lost your mind , me, are irrational.

I found a therapist that dealt with grieving parents. Her son died 5 years ago. I was mad. Very angry. It was eating me up. I learned to let it go but some days.  there it is again. I control "it" now.

I walked. I took pictures. I read books. Some good, one or two not so good on how to deal with the death of a child. The death of my son. I just kept going.

somedays I still have to tell myself Rich is dead. I know this of course but its as if a part of me is just now grasping the finality.

I slept. I took antidepressants for a while. I stopped taking them now. to each his own. I sat outside a lot.

Like I said. No tips really.

Betsy,mysonRich

 

[quellsmom]

Thank you all......

[Guest]

Rhonda - I smiled when they found someone who could use Stephanie's eyes, too.  And, like you, my hopes were dashed when they found out she hadn't been drug free for over a year, so they couldn't use them.  I felt guilty (sometimes still do) because they already had taken her eyes.  My guilt is irrational because I had her cremated.  I feel guilty about the eyes, though.  And, I feel guilty for not washing her hair and brushing it.  I feel badly because I didn't keep her hair.  I didn't know I could.

Mostly I feel bad for not brushing her hair.  She had the most beautiful hair.  It was matted with blood and mud and there were sticks and weeds in it.  I cleaned out what I could, but I should have insisted.  To tell you the truth, I was afraid her head would fall off.  I didn't know how secure her head was to her neck.  That might be TMI for you all.  I'm surprised I just told you all that.  It's the first time I've ever mentioned it.

When I was alone with her body in the ER, one last time, I asked the coroner if I could wash her hair and he hesitated with an answer, apology in his eyes as he looked in my eyes and then at Stephanie's face.  And, I understood immediately.  I just said, "Oh.  Okay.  Never mind."  And, I gently picked the weeds from her hair.  Smoothing her hair back as best as I could.  I asked for a kleenex to clean some blood from her ear that they had missed. 

I just remembered all that.  Right this minute.  I did ask to wash her hair.  I did my best to smooth it out. 

Well, hell!!  Here comes the damn tears and my gut hurts and my chest hurts!!

In some ways it's a plus that you're alone, Elaine.  You can cry freely!

Sorry guys...Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[josephsmom90]

Betsy,

I wish I could "find'' a job! I am in such a small town, new, and there just isn'twork. I am saving though with an eye on a spring move. It's just too small here for both of us. I am disabled, so I have a small income, trouble is EVERYONE pays LESS than what I make on disablity! So that leaves pt time, ya right, just nothing I can do pt time! What ever I do it has to be a desk job, no manual labor ever.. I'm fairly jacked up. So I have TOO much time on my hands though I've volunteered locally.

I've pissed a few off myself I am sure, maybe more than a 'few.' It amazes me that there are those who are supposed to be the MOST understanding, like a pastor, no such luck. They don't know how to deal with this either. I've reached out and tried to make friends, I'm not rude, uncaring etc, so I wonder if I have this black cloud over me, maybe so... I walk with the dog, well run once, walk the other time. I mean I am almos tto the point of going to the bar to just TALK to people! I don't drink though, spose a coke is fine eh! I worry about Micahel and all the crap he's dealing with. His dad has a gf 23 or so yrs younger, Michael is disgusted by it, though I've tried to tell him  it may very well be a 'sincere' thing, we don't know that. He won't isten though. He hates the fact that she tries to be his mom, and he tells her like it is. In reality, he just wants time with dad but gf & his family take dad away from Michael, so that is heartbreaking. I am also trying to read, and might be going to school, still messing with that but its down to the wire now. Going through ALL boxes for a yrd sale. I'm sick of hauling stuff around. The photos are the hardest!! Though I'm throwing a bunch away that I just don't care about anymore.  Making a little  jam,, sleeping a LOT. Have sleep med, take them sometimes, other times I only sleep a few hurs at a time and that stinks. Thank you for your ideas. I appreciate it.

Elaine

[westleysmom]

Susannah-I'm so sorry.  Those last few moments with our children's earthly bodies, the ones we gave birth to and diapered and kissed and bathed, those moments we never thought we'd live to see and didn't think we'd live through when we did.  Westley looked like he was just asleep, except for the thing where they had tried to get him breathing again, you know the bag thing like on the dr shows.  He looked so perfectly normal.  I wanted to shake him awake, tell him to cut it out, it wasn't funny.  I knew how irrational that was, and everyone would think I'd gone crazy.  I guess I fooled them, didn't I? 

I'm really going to bed now.  My antivirus wouldn't finish scanning and I couldn't shut down for the night.  But it finally did. I hope we all have sweet dreams of our angels tonight.  I know I could use one.

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[mysonrich]

Elaine, I was new to this area when Rich died. I had a job but found I couldn't remember a whole lot. I worked as a fraud claims analyst for a big company, my ability to retain info was gone.

I went downtown one day and ran into a preacher at a coffee shop. I told him what happened to Rich, he prayed with me right there in the middle of town,on a busy street and I cried. People walked around us. Containing what I was feeling wasn't possible. I look for parks. Got lost often. Found the parks somedays and walked.

I understand your"jacked up". i haven't heard that term in years. My friend Alice that lives 40 minutes from me was thrown off the back of a bike,through a cars back window, years ago. So  I know jacked up. she still rides. I would stop in to see her every once in a while, just drifting.She is busy though. They just don't understand and who wants freinds to understand this.

I went back to Jersey to see Family. Right after Rich died I drove to the New Jersey shore 5 hours from here He wasn't there . My cousin was though and knew I had just stopped in to save myself.

I guess somehow you have to get out. Get some books. Sit in the son. Even a few words with people along the way helps. try not to isolate . I know we all do but when we are by ourselves its very important to get among the living.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

[josephsmom90]

Betsy,

I'm trying, and I do get out in the sun a few times a day with my run and eve walk with Sassy. I had a job for a little while, except for starters they were not paying me what they said they would and wanted me to travel with no mileage at all. My car/truck are both old/paid for and I take good care of them but just can't do all that for no reinbursment. The rest of the job, or most of it was a sham. An advocate for domestic violence, rape, stalking, teen dating violence and elder abuse. Which threw me out in to the public eye in an instant.. SO publicly everyone knows me, personaly, no one does. And when u are in grief fog, u say and do stuff that you would not do ordinarlily. Like why did u move here? I told em, I moved here to mourn, to grieve, well now, that makes em uncomfortable. I've been known for my blunt honesty, which I've tempered over the years but not in the fog... The other things about the job was I had/have a block with law enf and prosecution, ESPECIALLY when they don't do thier jobs and the whole dam town knows it!!! I just couldnt swallow that one. Oh there's more but I won't get into it, gunna walk Sassy for a few b4 it gets dark, thanks for talking to me. I"ll write when I get back.

Elaine

[ericasmom]

Betsy, what great advice you are sharing with Elaine. I thought of your situation when Elaine first came here, similar in that you both were in new towns and did not have friends or family near.

As far as pissing a few off, we all do I think, inevitably in our 'fog' during our 'insane' times, we either drive some away or piss some off. I remember thinking early on when this was happening, that it was their problem, I was filled up with my own.

Elaine, while not in a new town and with family around, I needed to be alone more than some were allowing, so I had to say' stop, I need to be outside as much as possible, and I need to be quiet adn when I do talk and hang out, I need to be able to talk and speak about Erica and if that doesn't work for them, then they should just back away. I had to put some rules out there so that I could learn what the quiet was like, to learn what my daily walks were like without Eri alive. I read, always have to have a current book on my nightstand, so I read books some non-fiction adn some fiction and I did read many books that allowed me my grief.

some favorites that deal with death and grief:

 Name All the Animals-by Alison Smith                                                                 

Traveling Mercies-by Anne Lamott                                                               

 Paula-by IsabelAllende'                                                                      

The Sum of Our Days by Isabele Allende'                                                               

That Night-by Alice McDermott

Three Dog Life- by Abigail Thomas

The book of Bright Ideas-by Sandra Kring

Then of course there are plenty of books that try to assist with our grief, and I have read some parts of several, but I guess I cannot read a whole one as they begin to sound like 'HOW TO' books, which I never liked. There are several KID books that deal wit dying and grief, and I read these to my students so that death is not something we only talk about when it happens, but read about so that the reality is less scary.

I am sorry for the struggle Elaine, with the job market and all else that makes life harder. Is there a local food pantry that you could work at as a volunteer and therefore meet some other nice giving folks? I also think that some schools would love to have some volunteers to read to children.

Susannah, you are feeling the year on your shoulders aren't you? Heavy as can be, carrying with it the memories that may have been lost for some time. Hang on. Missing those tactile events like brushing her hair, holding her hand...

Had a dream last night adn in it Eri was small and always to my side, my left side. In the dream she was having her birthday, don't know which one, but I was completely sad and frustrated as the house ws messy, I had no food or clean dishes, and I suddenly realized that we were having her b-day party. I also realized that I had no gift for Erica, and I told her this, but in my dream, I seemed more worried that others might think it odd that I was not prepared. Then I looked at ERi, and I said I don't know what happened, I have had this on the claendar for weeks but I don't even have a gift for you. And then in that dream i tried to think what it was she would have wanted adn I drew a blank.

 I woke up feeling really out of it, really needed to be alone a lot today as that dream kind of knocked my heart around.

                                                         

Greg, love the photo.

Quell's Mom, love the avatar.

Rhonda and Krichi, we were able to donate Eri's eyes and tissue and bone, but Eri was off life support for 1.5 hours and so the organs were compromised. I was glad to have been able to have Eri help others, but I knew that there was a ten year old boy waiting for her heart, they had him prepped in another Michigan hospital, but it was not to be adn I always wonder if he ever got a new heart.

love to all

dee

          

[josephsmom90]

Dee,

I did volunteer with Head Start, heard nothing back, summers here now though. I am a Court Appointed Special Advocate for children birth to 18 within the foster care system. Though there isn't a lot of interaction with the case i have at this time. I volunteered with another group that reaches out to at risk-youth, they are about as organized as a roller coaster, summer is a huge issue.I asked three times at the church, oh i was good enough to clean, but not answer phones. I can't do manual labor and cleaning of that proportion is out. Anyway, I've tried and just had a job interview that again, pays 1750 a month, before taxes. I can't live on that. So I offered to put in the 36 hours a week, and take 975 a month. I have not heard back yet though. It is a job doing what I know, parenting... They liked my 29 yr experience. So I dunno..

As for pissin ppl off, well hmmm, I don't know if I did that to be honest. I didn't try too. I immediatly joined a bible study and drank in every word, could not believe I'd found it, loved it. In my six month fog, at study one night, this is a small town. 2.500 people. The pastor asked if the study was enabling us to endure or something along those lines. I raised my hand, and told that I'd just lost a son, and his twin had been diagonsed with a brain tumor recently and the study was enabling me to walk through that. well immediatly everyone was so kind, sympathetic and so on, then it stopped. I don't know why. I didn't DO anything. I had a few men hit on me, ha ha, took care a them! But was nice and tactful. Turns out Daniel misinterpreted the DR.'s and MRI, CT scan diagnosis, it was not a tumor, a cyst, which apparently are common in all of us but do not produce symptoms that he went to the dr. for in the first place. Daniel was 19 and due to HIPPA Steve his dad could not get at his records and finally after MONTHS and my urging, he got it together and parented Daniel and got the information on what was going on. we never did find out what was causing him to lose pheriphial vison and have slamming headaces. He had thyrod issues, but that was taken care of with medication. So that was another HUGE slam that lasted THREE MONTHS... So these kind, caring people all just deserted me. I mean they stopped saying hi at church, I didn't do anyting, say anything etc.. Was so wierd, I went for grief cousel, support and got picked to pieces. The pastor thought I wasn't grieving, it was his opinion that I should be 'married' lol, I wasn't even dating, and sure as hell not interested in it! I let him know.. I'm not afraid to be me in front of a pasor like many are. I let him know that too. Then I should not look for work, i needed to do this that and the other thing according to him/them. Good grief these people did not know me at all! So in the end when I did go to work, it helped me a great deal! But with me constantly spending money on travel, no training, not getting paid what I was told I would, i had to end that. I cannot be without insurance and that was something they were not coming up with. Add zero and I mean NO training, what a mess. And it wasn't as if with SOME training I could not have been very good with that job, but lets get some professionalism in this. There are women being raped in these counties up here, beaten, and no one does anything about it, especially law enforcement and prosecution. Anyway, that is the gist of it.

I am a voracious reader myself. I read the bible twice a day, other books, reading some stuff for my Masters, that is if I get accepeted, should know anyday now.

I can totaly relate to having to have time alone, to download as Michael would say. We could not intially go to church, the busyness of it all was too much to bear. That type of busyness anwhere, a store etc, was too much for a long time. Both of us still have to download on almost a daily basis and do it by walking.

And now there is the stuff going on in Michigan right now. The dads girl friend is trying to be Micahel's mom and he is not tolreating it at all... Then if he does/says anything its always my fault. When in reality I am very careful with saying anyting about her/the family. I am soooo careful!! But she is 'bossing' him, he is almost 17, a GOOD KID, no drugs,no driking, a giver, a volunteer since age 9, been interviewd by PBS, honor student. Listens to and respects me. I can trust him, geeze o pete, let him alone! SO he had a 'talk' with her and his dad tonight, not heard the details yet, but am on pins n needles with that. Michael is just dying to have dad time, never gets it, he surrounds himself with friends and never gives to his sons, never has, it isn't going to change, though Michael does not give up easily. I try to listen more than anything anymore and as always, am there to pick up the pieces. Last time it was a 'try to talk Michael into living with his dad' and there is just no way, he is almost never home, out of town on business, and why does the gf care? She lives in NC and he lives in WY!! Dad tells Micahel he will not marry her, so what's the point? To hurt me? Ya guess so... Sorry my spelling stinks here.. My dogs went to groomers today, she shaved Woof!! He is a long hair chuiuaha, and looks bald, like a gremlin! Man oh man she does not know what she is doing!!!

Elaine

[josephsmom90]

Dee,

I did volunteer with Head Start, heard nothing back, summers here now though. I am a Court Appointed Special Advocate for children birth to 18 within the foster care system. Though there isn't a lot of interaction with the case i have at this time. I volunteered with another group that reaches out to at risk-youth, they are about as organized as a roller coaster, summer is a huge issue.I asked three times at the church, oh i was good enough to clean, but not answer phones. I can't do manual labor and cleaning of that proportion is out. Anyway, I've tried and just had a job interview that again, pays 1750 a month, before taxes. I can't live on that. So I offered to put in the 36 hours a week, and take 975 a month. I have not heard back yet though. It is a job doing what I know, parenting... They liked my 29 yr experience. So I dunno..

As for pissin ppl off, well hmmm, I don't know if I did that to be honest. I didn't try too. I immediatly joined a bible study and drank in every word, could not believe I'd found it, loved it. In my six month fog, at study one night, this is a small town. 2.500 people. The pastor asked if the study was enabling us to endure or something along those lines. I raised my hand, and told that I'd just lost a son, and his twin had been diagonsed with a brain tumor recently and the study was enabling me to walk through that. well immediatly everyone was so kind, sympathetic and so on, then it stopped. I don't know why. I didn't DO anything. I had a few men hit on me, ha ha, took care a them! But was nice and tactful. Turns out Daniel misinterpreted the DR.'s and MRI, CT scan diagnosis, it was not a tumor, a cyst, which apparently are common in all of us but do not produce symptoms that he went to the dr. for in the first place. Daniel was 19 and due to HIPPA Steve his dad could not get at his records and finally after MONTHS and my urging, he got it together and parented Daniel and got the information on what was going on. we never did find out what was causing him to lose pheriphial vison and have slamming headaces. He had thyrod issues, but that was taken care of with medication. So that was another HUGE slam that lasted THREE MONTHS... So these kind, caring people all just deserted me. I mean they stopped saying hi at church, I didn't do anyting, say anything etc.. Was so wierd, I went for grief cousel, support and got picked to pieces. The pastor thought I wasn't grieving, it was his opinion that I should be 'married' lol, I wasn't even dating, and sure as hell not interested in it! I let him know.. I'm not afraid to be me in front of a pasor like many are. I let him know that too. Then I should not look for work, i needed to do this that and the other thing according to him/them. Good grief these people did not know me at all! So in the end when I did go to work, it helped me a great deal! But with me constantly spending money on travel, no training, not getting paid what I was told I would, i had to end that. I cannot be without insurance and that was something they were not coming up with. Add zero and I mean NO training, what a mess. And it wasn't as if with SOME training I could not have been very good with that job, but lets get some professionalism in this. There are women being raped in these counties up here, beaten, and no one does anything about it, especially law enforcement and prosecution. Anyway, that is the gist of it.

I am a voracious reader myself. I read the bible twice a day, other books, reading some stuff for my Masters, that is if I get accepeted, should know anyday now.

I can totaly relate to having to have time alone, to download as Michael would say. We could not intially go to church, the busyness of it all was too much to bear. That type of busyness anwhere, a store etc, was too much for a long time. Both of us still have to download on almost a daily basis and do it by walking.

And now there is the stuff going on in Michigan right now. The dads girl friend is trying to be Micahel's mom and he is not tolreating it at all... Then if he does/says anything its always my fault. When in reality I am very careful with saying anyting about her/the family. I am soooo careful!! But she is 'bossing' him, he is almost 17, a GOOD KID, no drugs,no driking, a giver, a volunteer since age 9, been interviewd by PBS, honor student. Listens to and respects me. I can trust him, geeze o pete, let him alone! SO he had a 'talk' with her and his dad tonight, not heard the details yet, but am on pins n needles with that. Michael is just dying to have dad time, never gets it, he surrounds himself with friends and never gives to his sons, never has, it isn't going to change, though Michael does not give up easily. I try to listen more than anything anymore and as always, am there to pick up the pieces. Last time it was a 'try to talk Michael into living with his dad' and there is just no way, he is almost never home, out of town on business, and why does the gf care? She lives in NC and he lives in WY!! Dad tells Micahel he will not marry her, so what's the point? To hurt me? Ya guess so... Sorry my spelling stinks here.. My dogs went to groomers today, she shaved Woof!! He is a long hair chuiuaha, and looks bald, like a gremlin! Man oh man she does not know what she is doing!!!

Elaine

[mysonrich]

Nick, thoughts of you today on your angel day and prayers for your mom,dad and sis with a hope that we never lose faith.

[josephsmom90]

Susannah,

I cry when Michael is here too, so many have told me that is ok, healthy in fact. Or I just say I'm having a hard day and he does the same. So we are good with that. I guess a lot of it is the interference that a chosen few on his side of the family insist on doing that tears the hell out of me right now. I mean people like thos boys, my boys, adults just love them, always have, I'm not a perfect parent but have tried hard to raise GOOD kids. And so why try to jack with that ya know, especially NOW. So Michael had a talk with Shay and his dad tonight, don't know what happened yet though. But she and one of her sisters (who is also his dads sister in law) nice little family thing there, Shay and Vicky were being )W#(% to him & he shut em down I guess. I just pray it goes well. He said if it didnt stop he was going to have dad put him on a plane home. I want him to have time with his dad, but Steve never gives and Michael especially needs him now. Though I am always the one to blame, they do it all the time. FOOLS.

Elaine

[hotrod]

 

                  Nick Remembering You

               and your Wonderful Words

                   "Never Lose Faith"

                         Thank You

           Stay Close to Your Mom and Dad

                         And Family

 

             

Betty Stephen'smom:)

[heartbeataway]

Nick .........

[align=right]Nick ..........

[/align][align=center]Nick ..........

[/align]

Dan and Mary

 ...... saying Nick's name out loud and praying that the spirit of this child, your child, and the memories you hold deep and so close bring comfort on this day of remembering ....

Love and strength for the journey,

Bonnie & Rich, Jason's Mom & Dad

[ericasmom]

NICK

NICK

NICK

NICK

NICK

NICK

A name that invokes the smile that is forever in his Family's heart.

On this and each day, may you feel the love that keeps you forever.

Dan, My thoughts and prayers to hold you and your Wife and Daughter today as you walk through another anniversary. Your Beautiful Son smiling on you all.

[ericasmom]

Elaine, I do hope that you will be able to find some ways to spend your time. It is amazing to me, when a person such as yourself is asking to do some good in the world through volunteering, and because there is poor organization in many of these groups, nothing comes of it. Perhaps if you move to a larger town there will be more offered, but if not...could you tutor school age kids for an hourly wage at your home or at the library? I tutor at my home throughout the summer and it does help financially. you have so much to offer, and I can only imagine how frustrated you are with too much time on your hands.

 I am a walker, Iwalk several times per day, have to to survive. Have since I was litttle.

Love ya,

dee

[mysonrich]

Betty, I wanted to share a Wildwood story with you. after reading news of your getaway a memory  popped up and I found myself laughing out loud. One year my mom took the kids, mine and my nephew,up to the boardwalk. I stayed in that evening to read a book I had purchased earlier in the day. The book , stories of the Pine Barrens in the days of pirates,smugglers, stagecoach roads. While in the back bedroom reading I heard the door chain rattle. Looking around to find a lamp, a broom, anything to beat the pirate/smuggler back with I then heard a voice. WHO IS IN THERE? WHO IS THERE? This voice I recognized. The manager, a little lady by the name of Mary. As it turned out Rich had run up ahead of my mom and it was Rich I first heard,thinking him a smuggler! I opened the door and Mary gave me a strange look, I told her about the book I was reading. " In here scaring yourself . Your boy came over and told me someone was in his apartment. " shaking her head ,Rich walked in. thanks for jolting that memory.

Betsy,mysonRich

[hotrod]

Dear Betsy 

I loved your story of Wildwood, the Pine Barens book and Rich as a child.  How great it is when these memories surface and bring a smile and the warmth of joy.  That joyful feeling is one that I have a hard time experiencing these days in the real world. How smart of  Rich  to run for help when he thought trouble was in the room.  How sweet that your  Mom was there as well entertaining the children so you could enjoy your book. 

 I loved Wildwood and the wonderful Boardwalk .  We went there often as a family. I went to Atlantic City this time  A little beach, Boardwalk walking, good food and a little slot machines. It was good  

  Betsy you have a wonderful sense of humor and a great imagination, I  hope the packing is finished and that you are taking it easy and being oh so gentle with yourself. 

 Thanks for sharing your heart.

Speaking about sharing your heart

Betty Stephen's mom:)

[Guest]

Remembering you, today, Nick.  Please send a sign and/or message to your beautiful family!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[krichie]

Nick your in alot of hearts and mionds today.

Nick Nick Nick sending love to you  please send hugs and a warm embrace to your fmaily

Nick

[westleysmom]

Nick's Dad and family,

Hoping that today is filled with wonderful memories of Nick.  You are all on our hearts and minds as you go through your day.

Rhonda Westley's Mom