Loss of an Adult Child

[summergirl]

Dear Indigos - first I need to say thank you all for the beautiful wishes for Jessica's birthday - the pictures and the music - the hole in my heart was filled for a time as I read and listened -  you are my true family as NO ONE except my sister called me but that is ok.

Greg - thank you for the Jessie song - it is my favorite and you always remember.

Now, the reason I was not on line last night was a tornado, yes a tornado, went through our little town of Springs (east hampton)....it did alot of damage, many trees and wires down. We lost the whole top of the large tree in our front yard but were so lucky that it went toward the road and not the house. The people across the street lost 2 large trees both of which landed on their house.   I spent many hours last night directing traffic in front of our house as the roads were closed on both ends so no where for anyone to go - most were pretty nice to me but a few got very angry and actually drove right over the flares only to be stopped at the end of the road.   All in all I feel blessed that no one was hurt......now the clean-up begins. I was so worried about Tavian as he is spending a couple of weeks with his other grandmother but I called her and all was well at their house.       The storm came up so unexpectedly, one minute the sun was shining and the next the rain and the wind was massive - Barry and I looked at each other, I started to cry and said "I know Jessica loves her birthday and always has a big celebration with her friends but this is just too much, she is really partying tonight"  !!!!  Oh my girl how I miss you.

Sue, I am so sorry for the loss of your son Joshua. First I will introduce myself..I am Kathy and we lost our daughter Jessica from ARVD (sudden heart attack) at the age of 26 on February 18, 2006 - it seems like today and other days it feels like a life time since I held her. Jessica has a son who was 4 at the time of her death, my husband and I have full custody of him, his name is Tavian and he is now 8.   I so understand your pain and it is intensified by the sudden loss of your grandson as well.   I do not know the reason why she would move away and not let you have communication in any form but my heart breaks for you.   You will find much help here....this place saved my life, I was in a dark black hole when I found this site and I have been here ever since, this is my family, my confidants, my "I can say anything I want to here" place.....please stay with us as we will all do what ever we can for you to help you on this journey that no one wants to be on but together we do survive.

I did not work today - I was so upset about the losing power and I could not come here - I cried alot....many memories of my Jessica. I did go to the cemetery by myself  yesterday - I brought her yellow roses, her favorite, I wrote in her journal we keep there and just spent time with her.....remembering, wishing, asking why, crying and talking.  I made it through another birthday without her and I honestly could not do that without all of you my friends.

I took some pictures last night and the ORBS are amazing - I will post as soon as I can.

I am very tired - enduring another special day of the life of my girl has taken it's toll on me.  I will catch up with all tomorrow.  Love, Peace and Strength, Kathy 

[mpsmom]

WOW, beautiful song.

[Guest]

I lost it.  I can't even explain it.  One moment I'm at Wal Mart buying new school clothes for Jasmine and the next I'm thinking about how I was buying their school supplies when I got the call last year.

Then...that's all I can think about. 

When I get home I tell Gary I think I'll demand to see the pictures of Steph's accident.  He responds just like I suggested dinner and a movie, in his peppy voice says, "That would be interesting."

"Ya" I say "We can pop popcorn and look at them.  It will be just like an episode of CSI." 

He asked how he could have responded differently for me....And I just blew up at him.  Telling him he didn't have a Fing clue!  I threw it up in his face how he kicked her out and wouldn't give her another chance and she had no where to go.  He just tossed her on the street.  I threw up the fight they had when he got in his face and told her to sit there and shut up!  I told him he would never talk to his daughter like that.  Never.  I told him he has never stood up to his daughter.  I told him he allows his daughter to invite just him for his birthday dinner and just him for a barbque on Father's Day and he says nothing.  I told him I can't cry about Steph or talk about her to him because he turns it around about him.  He starts crying and talks about his pain.  What pain!?  I said...you have no Fing pain!!!  You have no Fing clue!!

In the meantime, the kids hear all of this.  I fed them McDonalds for dinner.  They are now in bed.  It's early, I know.  They didn't even react to the fight.  They just kept playing. 

Gary softly kissed me as he left for the lumber store.  I said I was sorry but he just kept walking.

The thing is, I meant every word of what I said.  Every word.

[lolynbo]

I lost it.  I can't even explain it.

YOU DONT HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT...YOU CANT EXPLAIN IT...SOMETIMES WE JUST GET FNNN MAD....OUR KIDS ARE GONE FROM OUR TOUCH AND WE HURT WE MISS THEM...WE LOVED THEM THEY WERE OURS......NOW THEY LIVE IN OUR PICTURES AND MEMORIES AND IN OUR HEARTS....GET MAD GIRL IF YOU WANT...YOU OWE NO ONE AN EXPLANATION......MAYBE A "IM SORRY HUNNY"...AND LEAVE IT AT THAT...JUST MY 2 CENTS

[mikesmomrs]

Sus:  I am so sorry that this has happened, and pray that things will calm down and something good come of the incident...those types of incidents are tough to deal with, but sometimes can be worth it if something good comes from it.  Thank you so much for your posts on Ralph's Care Pages site...he really enjoys the messages I read to him.

I have also told him that all of you here have offered prayers and send good thoughts to him---thank you so much.

Kathy:  Oh my goodness!  You must have been terrified...I am so glad that your hours was spared...it was likely a good thing that Tav wasn't there...was there any storm where he was?  Thoughts are with you as you clean it all up. 

sue:  So sorry to have to welcome you to this place, but with the grief you feel it is the best place to be...we are a caring, understanding, comforting group of people who share that same devestating loss that we will never completely heal from.  We all "get it" here and will always be here for you.

Ralph is doing about the same, except that his kidney function has diminished and they are sending in a urology expert tomorrow to review everything.  I spoke with the surgeon tonight (we were on the way out of the hospital from visiting, and sat down by the front door to catch our breath [it's a long walk] and after just a few minutes, his surgeon walked by, on his way out.  He stopped and spoke for a bit, told us about the urology specialist, etc.  Ralph is still pretty sick to his stomach and of course the getting up to walk is pretty taxing.  His breathing is getting better.  The concern about the kidney worries me, as they had said his remaining kidney would be operating at at least 40-45% and it is currently only 30%.  I know there would be ups and downs on the days following the surgery, so we are tyring to just take one day at a time.  We truly appreciate everyone's support and prayers, very, very much.

Lorri:  I am so sorry about your Trixie...I am sure that Kourtney is showing her around and introducing her.  Dee:  Your story of your cats closing their eyes for the last time was truly touching...I am glad you were able to be with them, but sad it had to happen.

Cathi's surgery is 6 days from now...hopefully we will be home for that.  I just don't know what I will do if we are not...go crazy, i guess...just finally, go crazy!

Davis's b'day was yesterday, his 25th, and he spent it alone...he said he was totally glad that his b'day present was his grandpa's coming through his surgery okay, but that he truly felt alone, being alone most of the day (He doesn't work on Wednesdays, so he didn't even see his coworkers...his friends are gone, as he had to walk away from them when he went to rehab, but he is so glad that he is in such a better place this birthday...as are we.  His mom managed to get home in time to take him to dinner, so it wasn't a total loss...they had a good dinner and he went home with his mom and brother afterwards for a bit. 

Well, I am going to go to my room and get some sleep...my bed is wicked comfortable and easy to fall asleep in...maybe I should put it on the roof of the car and take it home with me?

take care, and love and peace to all my indigo friends...

carol  mikesmomrs

 

[lolynbo]

MY BABY BOY...WHO IS 18 AND ALREDY ASLEEP 9:30...HIS BDAY DINNER

[westleysmom]

Carol-Glad to hear from you. Crossing fingers for more kidney function for Ralph!

Lorri-Happy Birthday to Kody, a little late.  Sorry again about Trixie.

Susannah-Meltdowns happen.  Sorry today was bad.  You're right, everything will be going fine, and then bam! Nuclear Explosion!  Tomorrow will be better.

Tav has good taste, I loved the song and the video

Sue-Hope things are going better this evening. As somebody (Colleen?) says "The saddest of welcomes to you".  I hope this group helps you as much as it has me.  I have felt more at home here than with people I've known forever.  Shared pain does that I guess. 

Sweet dreams to all!

Rhonda Westley's Mom 

 

[westleysmom]

Oh, and Sherry, I think tortoise shell cats are pretty neat.  I wish I could get a picture small enough to show you how pretty Sweetie was. I'll try to see if I can figure it out.

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[josephsmom90]

Hi,

My name's Elaine. I wrote to you because I see some of your pain in me. I, too, am a mother. I too lost an adult child, he was 19. Been out from under my roof only 15 months and of all my children Joseph and I were the closest.

He was born in Wyoming. That is another reason I wrote you. I am alone in Idaho. I don't even have a girl friend to support me. I see it's been a long time since you were on. If you choose too, I'd like to talk. I am very sorry to hear of your loss and as a mother, I understand.

Peace.

Elaine

[summergirl]

Suz - oh good for you, a nice big blow-up, get fighting mad and let the pressure out is good for the soul - not so sure your other half agrees with that but as they say we hurt the ones we love the most - I believe we do that because we know they will forgive us even when we say the meanest things to them.  I slapped Barry across the face early on this journey - he got mad at me because "all I did was cry", I just stared at him, so angry, and then he said "she is dead, Jessica is dead and she is not coming back" - so I gave him a good one across the face and walked away.. later we talked, really talked - it was awful but it led us to a much better understanding of each other.    Does His daughter really do that ??  he needs to tell her the whole family gets invited or no one goes - that is my 2 cents ~~

Carol - actually I wasn't scared as we have had thunderstorms here before and remember I am from Iowa so I went through many storms and tornados - I am more afraid of having a hurricane than I am of tornado's !!    I spent most of the after noon cleaning up the back yard and then when Barry got home he got the chain saw out and started on the big tree.  I feel for those who are still without electric, especially when it is so hot here.    I actually like a nice thunderstorm now and then, it seems to relax me hearing the rain and then seeing everything so green and the bright blue sky afterwards....

I love the song to and I actually like the video - I think it makes Tavian feel good for some reason as he sings along with it - makes me smile and cry at the same time...

Here it is midnight and I should be sleeping but can't seem to close my eyes - maybe I  am overtired  - don't know...   Talk tomorrow... 

[ericasmom]

Hello Sue, Mom of Joshua. I sure wish you never had to be here, but since you are in the position we all are in, welcome. Same to you Elaine.

I lost my Girl, Erica, 7 years ago, she was 19. Erica's car was struck by a train at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan. We live in the Chicago area, where  she and her big Brother, JOn, were raised. Eri died 6 days after she was hit. A long road, but here I am along with Sherry who has been here the same amount of time, and here all the others are in various places on their timeline...we all get what you may be feeling, and so coming here should offer you a good many shoulders to rest on as well as many an ear to listen.

Sue, I am doubly sorry that in losing Josh, you have lost contact with Matthew. How old is Matt? Does he have another set of grandparents that you could contact to find out how he is doing. It sounds as though Josh's wife is an angry woman to not let  you  have contact. I am so sorry. I agree with Sherry, ti was at 5 months that I actually found this place, and it was at 5 .5 months that I began therapy.

Life changes us, and no, it was not supposed to be this way, but it is this way. So our job is to untangle some of the trickier parts of grieving adn find our footing and go forward as best we can. It will not always be this painful, promise.

The meltdown Susannah, sounds exhausting and as though you shed a layer of anger. hard one Kiddo, to come back from. Give him time, but it will be important that you meant each word because if you do not deal with it, it comes back. Tricky indeed.

The wind is howling, there are tornado adn flood watches in Colleen's neck of the woods, and hopefully no violent weather, just some storms here. We need rain.

[Guest]

2:30am

Yes.  This will be a hard one to come back from.  I can't see any good coming from it.  Anyway, not any good for my marriage.  I'm still very angry with him. 

Sue - I am so sorry for the loss of your son.  I'm glad you found this site and hope it will be helpful to you.  They are the best people t help through this horrible pain.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

A very graphic video is on facebook about car crashes...distracted drivers, etc.  As I said, it's very graphic.  I couldn't not watch it.....I can't explain that, either.  The friend who posted the video made some comments about how important it is to be careful when we drive because "life can change in an instant"....I was immediately full of resentment and the thought, "doesn't she know who she's talking to?"  I began to write something about how it's been almost a year since Stephanie died and questioned my motives with the thought, "are you looking for sympathy?" 

My brain screamed..."YES!  I'M LOOKING FOR SOME FING SYMPATHY!" 

I erased my response about Steph.

Is this normal?  Am I finally REALLY going crazy?  I seem to be right back at the beginning except now I'm pissed!  I was angry before but mostly just hurt. 

Now, the tears are falling.  For God's sake, I am obviously not the only person has lost a child.  I'm certainly not the first or last.  Why the breakdown?  I've come so far! 

And, my poor husband!  Yes, his daughter is indeed a spoiled brat.  But, she's also a wonderful, beautiful human being.  Most of the time I don't take her actions and/or attitude personally because I know it's not ME she's mad at.  It's the whole idea that her dad has another family and (for the most part) is happy.  She's more than welcome to join this family, but she has had her father to herself for almost 20 years and isn't too keen on sharing. 

And, to be honest, Gary is happier when around her.  He tries with me and my kids and now our adopted kids, but the resentment shines through.  I don't blame him.  This is certainly not what he signed up for when he married me, but what can I do about that?

I don't resent his daughter for living, I resent his daughter because mine isn't and they seem to just blow it off as if an old friend just moved away. 

I'm the immature, spoiled brat.  I want my daughter back.  But, my daughter also made our lives hell.  How can I ignore that fact?  It's true.  As many of you already know, alcoholism and drug addiction is no walk in the park to live with.  You all already know what it did to my grandchildren.  That, in itself is enough to be glad it's over. 

But there was more...there were the hysterical phone calls...so many hysterical phone calls.  And, then the hysterical phone calls turned into just a sad, "Hi, Mom.  I just called to say I love you."  And, I wouldn't ask.  I wouldn't pry.  But, I'd know she was in trouble.  She ha either been beat up again, or raped (drugs will force you to do things with your body to pay for your habit) or she overdosed or she was just in despair over not knowing where her kids where and what she had put them through.

We didn't talk about it anymore, though.  What was there to talk about?  Those phone calls haunt me more than the hysterical phone calls.  The lost, sadness of my daughter.  I couldn't save her.  I tried.  So many times I tried. 

And, then, there was the phone call that she really was going to treatment this time.  Well, she had really gone several times before, she just never stayed.  I waited until the day before she left before I really believed her and bought her bus ticket.  For the first few months her phone callse were "I hate this!"  and "I'm sick of people telling me what to do!" 

I just let it go asking her what her plans were when she left.  She lost all my support and help if she didn't finish treatment this time.  She knew it.  Then we found her kids.  We found out our worst nightmares were true.  I lashed out at her for what they had been through.  She almost quit rehab then.  But getting her kids back required that she finish rehab. 

At that time we had zero chance of getting her kids.  Gary and I were doing all the footwork and fighting for them, but we wouldn't get them.  Stephanie was their best hope.  I put so much pressure on her to succeed for their sake. 

She came home from rehab a different woman.  She was happy, full of joy and strength.  For six weeks I got to know the woman she was meant to be.  And, then, after she died, we found out she was up to her old ways behind our backs.  She hadn't used, yet........but, she was going down a dark path, again.

When I found that out I was grateful she died.  What kind of mother feels that way?  I'm the monster.  Not Gary.  Not Gary's daughter.  Me. 

I haven't been able to make my mind leave the hospital room where my daughter's body lay since Wal Mart this afternoon.  I want to go back there.  I want to sit longer with her body, even though I know she wasn't there anymore.  I want to touch her skin, smell her, kiss her. 

I want my husband to quit ignoring me when I cry or hurt.  I don't want him to talk about how bad her death hurt him while he still has his daughter and their isolated relationship.  He doesn't get it.  I hope to God he never has to "get it." 

I just want some Fing sympathy!!!  I want my daughter!  And, I don't want her.  She's better off where she is.  We're better off where she is.  Oh, my aching soul!  Why couldn't God just change her instead of taking her?

[heartbeataway]

Elaine,

Welcome ...... share your Joseph with us. Sorry that you're here but you'll find the shoulder you need to lean on and an understanding ear that will listen.

Susannah,

My heart goes out to you!  Those "low" times are so tough to get through!

Wanting to go back to that room in the hospital and sit with her.  Touch her, smell her ....

So sweet and so incredibly sad!

We never experienced any of these things.  We lived in Texas and Jason lived in Virginia.

I didn't think to ask that he not be moved from the hospital.  After the phone call from his fiancee telling me, "Jason died this morning" ...... I believe I called his phone. No answer of course.  So, I called his best friend.  He confirmed it was true, he was at the hospital with Jason's body.  I gave him a message for Jason.  Tell him Mom and Dad are coming.  We'll be there as soon as we can.  And please tell him , we love him.

His friend told me about that conversation.  I didn't remember it.

I will think of you today and I will hold you up and send you strength. It hurts and some days, there is nothing we can do but wade through it .......

Children are so innocent and always our children.  Regardless of how old Jason got, he was still my child.  I was so proud of him.  He was finally achieving all he dreamed of .... his business was growing, he was engaged and talked about starting a family. 

He had his concerns ...... don't we all when big decisions are being made?

We could not be any closer as a family ...... and now he's gone.  With him all the plans and the little red headed grandchildren that I so looked forward too.

One thing I know though is that if I strive to make him proud, I find strength in that.

Being a foster mom brings me strength.  Makes me feel that I'm making a difference.

Some other Mom wasn't strong enough but I can be ...... and that makes me feel that Jason approves.

I can't get him back.  I can't compare.  I can just try to "make the kind of difference in this world that I know my child would" *.   Jason mentored and looked after children.

At the visitation, there were four boys sitting on the front row and they were all crying.

Their Mom was standing behind them.  I was introduced.  Jason had taken them under his wing. I asked them about Jason.  He and friend took them camping, were there to teach them how to do things and make decisions.  He told them to always do their best and put their best foot forward.  Anything worth doing was worth doing right.  (something we told Jay)

So, today, I'm going to move forward ..... might not get very far but, I'm going to look at the sky and wink and move forward.

* comment was made by a grieving Dad in the Space Between Breaths video.

Strength, love and healing for the journey,

Bonnie, Jason' Mom

[ericasmom]

Good Morn Indigo Family,

Bonnie, what pretty words you wrote, such inspiration from Jason to you. I think that Jason is quite proud of you, you do good things in your life, you operate from the heart.  Your heart is what leads your actions, no matter what you do you are always empathetic. He is smiling Bon, with those smiling eyes.

Elaine, as Bonnie asked, please let us know more of your Joseph. He left here at 19 like my Girl. I am sorry that you are fairly isolated in your grief, this place should really help with that. It unites from across the globe. Thanks Betty for directing Elaine here, you are a sweetheart.

Susannah, I understand the anger, though I caution you a bit, while being honest with it is important, there is a balance that is hard to strike when in the midst of so much angst. Because there are kids there, and they notice anger easily due to their background, you and Gary will need to proceed with caution. I know that My Husband, no kids of his own, has felt offended when folks kind of dismiss his role in ERi's life. I was a bit surprised by this in him, that he would feel left out kind of, from those offering sympathy. Some people don't include the step-parents in their thoughts. So there is a mine-field of emotions all around you, any wrong word or look could let one off. Prior to now, the mines were dug deeply under, but they are surfacing, that is where your grief is, it is insisting that you look closely at some of it. I needed a private therapist to help me through the mine field of my grief, to understand it better, to see why my reactions to things were what they were, to see that my past had to do with some of the present...

I wish you goodness in this.

Carol, anymore reports on the kidney function? Prayers that today the function is up to where they expect it to be. GO RALPH!

[shorty16]

Indigos

Last night, we had 5 inches of rain in 3 hours.  Our basement had 3" of standing water.  Our basement is not finished; therefore, the damage was limited to old furniture and stored paper items (like the kids grade-school memories).

When I was driving home, I saw Michelle's car on the side of our road.  When I got home, I asked Scott "Why is Michelle's car in the road?"  That area of the road had flooded so much her car stalled out.  It started floating down our street.  Not kidding.  They pushed the car to higher ground and left it until the rain stopped.

WOW.

By the way - Today is my 47th birthday.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest]

Bless you all for your support, love, experience and words of wisdom.  Gary and I had a long, heartfelt talk after my last post.  He wasn't asleep, either.  He said he knew my words were not really directed at him, but to him.  He went on to express his frustration over not always knowing what to say.  One day he says the right thing while the same words, the next day, are totally wrong.  We both listened to each other without interrupting.  I asked him if being with me had turned into his garden of Gethsemene instead of his reward (as he used to see me).  With a twinkle in his eyes, he said "yes".  He said when he becomes overwhelmed and he doesn't know what to do next, it's his Gethsemene, then all he has to do is look at me or these kids and he knows it's his reward, too. 

All in all......I'd say I'm a very blessed woman!

Fortunately, I have an appointment with my therapist next week.  We made the appointments closer to Steph's anniversay....just before and then after. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[westleysmom]

Colleen-I'm jealous.  Not only are you a year younger than me, you got rain.  We need rain really bad.  Happy Birthday!

Bonnie-I think about the grandbabies Westley would have given me with thick, dark hair and those blue eyes.  They would have been just as beautiful as he was. Its not fair, is it?  I'm sorry you won't get your red-haired grandbabies too. 

Susannah-I'm glad you had your long talk with your husband. I don't know what I'd do without mine.  He is Westley's Daddy, but even then, he grieves so much differently than I do.  Sometimes I think, well hell, he's not even acting sad at all.  And then I catch him when he doesn't know that I'm looking or I come in and he's all alone, and I can tell he's thinking of Westley. And I'd do anything at all to keep him from being sad, isn't that nuts? Last night we were in the car and a song came on and I told him to leave it on because we were in the drive and getting ready to get out.  It's called "Ain't no rest for the wicked" (we're rockers for the most part) and the chorus goes "No there ain't no rest for the wicked, 'til we close our eyes for good"  Now you wouldn't think that a song with those words could make you cry if you didn't think your son was wicked, but it can.  Westley wasn't wicked so I guess its the "close our eyes for good" part that gets me.  I sit in that room at the ER (in my mind) a lot if I let myself.  I try to remember his face and his hands and his hair and I am right back there on that floor with the breath knocked out of me.  I know what you mean. 

Elaine-I'm so sorry about Joseph.  I read some of your posts on other topic thread, and I don't know why you wouldn't be losing your mind.  I know the people at my church try to be sympathetic, but fail miserably most of the time. But the thing I try to remember is that they cared enough to try.  They mostly really don't know what you need to hear, and my church people had known Westley since he was born and me for 30 years.   There are two ladies that lost boys in the last 10 years, and I feel a kinship with them that I don't the others, like when they say something, I should listen.  They might be telling me something that I'm not ready for yet, but maybe someday I will, because they've been where I am.  And that's true of all of the people here too.  I hope you can keep posting here because it really does help.

Dee-Did you get rain?  We sure need it here and haven't gotten much relief from the 90+ degree heat.  Trying to stay cool is a full time job.

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[lolynbo]

ELAINE, IM KOURTNEYS MOM (YOU CAN READ MY PROFILE)....YOUR NOT ALONE DONT EVER THINK THAT...WE ARE JUST A CLICK AWAY....THIS PAGE AND THESE WONDERFUL PPL MEN/WEMON KEEP ME GOING.....IM GLAD YOU FOUND US....IM SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR WONDERFUL SON ..... WE ALL FEEL YOUR PAIN.....

IM JUST HOPING I HAVE A BETTER DAY TO DAY THEN YEST....VERY EMOTIONAL DAY WITH HAVING TO PUT TRIXIE TO SLEEP AND MY SON TURNING 18.....I JUST RELIEZED HES OLD ENOUGH TO GET TATTOOS........OH MY.......I REMEMBER ON KOURTNEYS 18TH SHE WANTED A TATTOO AND I TOOK HER.....I CANT IMAGINE KODY WITH ONE..HES A BABY...

[genesseesmommy]

Hello, everyone my name is Toscha I'm 24 years old I was 20 weeks and 4 days pregnant with my daughter she was my first child. I lost her July 17, 2010 due to her having the cord rapped around her neck and when my cyst broke she inhaled the infection causing her to become an angel. I feel guilty like it's my fault I have so much emotions going through my body and mind that I just freak out. I don't like feeling this way and I need piece so my daughter can rest in peace knowing that I'm alright. I tried to put my feelings down on a piece of paper but that only helps for a little while. I lay down at night wondering what she is doing and how life would be if I was still pregnant with her.... Please help anyone....

Genessee's Mommy 4 ever

[westleysmom]

Toscha,

I wish I had words to make you feel better, but all I can say is I'm sorry.  My son was 20 years old and he was still my baby and I still wonder every day what life would be like now if he hadn't died.  How do you feel physically?  Please take care of yourself and rest and drink your fluids and take your medicine and all that.  You have been through a lot and need to take it as easy as you can.  Nobody should have to go through what we're going through, but we have to try. 

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[briansdad]

Susannah,

Sometimes you have to let it fly. Were all not who we used to be and often the person we have become will suprise us....in good and bad ways. So don't beat you're self up. It happens.

Greg

[daveydow1]

Toscha----I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet infant daughter. This site

is a good place to be when you are grieving over the loss of a child. Please

come back to this site.....you are welcome here, although I am sorry that you have

 the need to be on this kind of place. Everyone here understands, firsthand, the

sorrow you feel now. My baby girl, Lisa K., died at the age of 6 mo. years ago; and

my son David died in 2003 in a highway crash.

Colleen----Happy Birthday, friend.  We sure could use some of your rain. We did

get a short light shower last evening...not enough, but anything is better than

none. The cornfields & soybeans need rain, as do all the flowers & gardens.

Hope your basement dries out soon.

Carol---Praying hard for Ralph to continue on the road to recovery.

Bonnie----I know just what you mean about no granchildren from Jason. Davey

was not married, and had no children , so I know the feelings of sorrow. I'm sure

Jason is very proud of your work with foster children, since he also had given his

time in the same way.

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY,  KODY !

Rhonda---Yep......torties are pretty kitties. I also have troubles with trying to

post pics on BI......try as I may, ----sometimes they will appear, most times not. :?

Kathy----My Gosh.....a tornado!. I'm so glad that no one was hurt. Tav's song is

just great---I love this kind of music.

Dee-----How's your flowers doing in this heat?  Had to dust Lisa's pink rose

today. Tiny green worms on underside of leaves. Can't think what that would

 be....???  . Also dusted Davey's rose in case the pests decide to go the few ft.

to his rose.  A little boy (2 yr. old) was lost for an hour (daylight) hrs. but was

found and quickly returned unharmed to his mom, by helicopter......he was over

a half mile away. 

Susannah---So glad to hear that the "blowout" is now over, and that things are

being mended.  I believe that losing a child is a tremendous strain  on

 marriages, and not at all unusual for quarrels and harsh words to be said. I

 know I have been there too. So, I'm glad that you & your husband are able to

sit down & discuss it and get some understanding. Peace to you and your

 family.

               Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry           

[lolynbo]

10 DAYS TIL WE GET THE NEW TWINS...NOT LOOKING FWD TO THAT...

WE LV SINDAY MORN AFTER RACING SAT NIGHT...FOR SAN ANTONIO; I AM LOOKING FWD TO THIS

[ericasmom]

I am posting the words to a FLAMING LIPS song that I have long loved, even before ERz died this song made me cry, now it seems ever more meaningful and poignant, especially with so many new to this site...And yes, that first line and the last are true aren't they? Our Angels have the most beautiful faces.

Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face

Do You Realize - we're floating in space -

Do You Realize - that happiness makes you cry

Do You Realize - that everyone you know someday will die

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know

You realize that life goes fast

It's hard to make the good things last

You realize the sun doesn't go down

It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do You Realize - Oh - Oh - Oh

Do You Realize - that everyone you know

Someday will die -

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know

You realize that life goes fast

It's hard to make the good things last

You realize the sun doesn't go down

It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face

Do You Realize

[sussyqueed]

 

Hi everyone.

  Today is a bad one so far. I’ve also been beating myself up wondering if there was something that I could have done to prevent Joshua’s death. His wife certainly wasn’t interested and always had an excuse or a lie to tell about doctors appointments for Joshua and grandson Matthew. She rarely worked and sat on her fanny watching TV most of the time. Joshua worked 6 days a week, 12+ hours a day so he really didn’t have time to make appointments and such. A relative of mine pointed out that we all have to take responsibility for our own health and that may be true. But still, I can’t help from feeling that I could of/should have been more involved in his medical treatment…or SHE should have been!!!! He should have had a stress test, an ultrasound especially since he sat most of the day (he drove a rock truck). I’d read about people who make their living in a bumpy sitting position like pilots and truck drivers and how their risk for a blood clot increases. So, I blame myself in part for this death.

            I still can not look at his photos or listen to music. I have a collage of photos in my bedroom of my youngest daughters wedding in 2008 that I pass by every day on the way to my bathroom. I’m afraid that if I look at his photo, the tears will start rolling and never stop. I want to scream, I want to yell at his wife, I want to hit something. So, it is easier just not to think of any of it. I escape by sleeping or reading. It doesn’t take much to start the tears, especially if I have to leave the house for a doctor appointment or the grocery.

            No one wants to go swimming in my pool because of his memory. He was such a part of our summertime fun. Thank God my arm is in a cast. It gives me a good reason not to be in the pool.

            How I’ll ever get past this, I don’t know. And on top of all of my other medical conditions, it has been confirmed that I am also diabetic like Joshua was. Now that I’ve read about the condition, it makes me feel even guiltier that I wasn’t more proactive in helping him with his healthcare.

            Sorry this message is so long. I’ve had very bad days lately and need to vent. Thanks for listening.

Sue

 

[ericasmom]

Tochsca, I think I spelled your name wrong so please excuse me. I am so sorry that you have found yourself grieving. You are so young and I can imagine the anticipation you were feeling. Oh Sweetie, you are aching I know. The ache will be there for a time, and eventually you will feel a tiny bit better, and slowly, slowly, you will find hope again. A lot of folks will say things to you that they are trying to help you out with, but will essentially hurt your feelings, so hang on to yourself. A woman I know well lost a child in a similar manner to your loss of Gennessee, and folks said things like: well at least you were not attached to her yet, or well you can always have another baby...many folks just don't understand the instant adn forever love you have for your Girl. Your beautiful Girl. Prayers for your healing, and knowledge that your Genessee is fine, she is not hurting, she is smiling on her Momma.

May you feel a slight breeze today that brings you a bit of her peace.

RAIN? What is it, I know I have heard that word before...NO Col, no Rhonda, we did not get more than about 10 drops of rain. So the garden Sherry, is crispy. We are watering, I imagine our water bill will be as high as our electricity bill since we have been non stop running the air conditioner. Glad to have it though.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Col, you young thing. I remember 47, but it was some time ago. Seven years.  I hope that aside from the 3 inches in the basement, you receive a good gift and a dinner out.

Susannah, I am so glad that you and Hubby have talked and listened to one another. Such tender times for you all, but really, to have that communication is priceless. Good for you both, well good for you 5. The remembering part is all part of this and as you come close to the anniversary, goodness knows that our nerves are on high-alert. Be kind to yourselves, and remember that there is no way of knowing how you are going to feel adn react, so don't hold expectations of your feelings right now. Let them come, breathe and try to surf with them, not against.

Love to All,

dee

[ericasmom]

Sue, venting is what we all do here, must do here, as it helps us to eventually live stronger lives. As far as the guilt, we have all had it no matter the ways our Children have died. I will just say that you are going to feel guilty for a while but one day you will see that as an adult, your Son was in charge of his own health. You cannot be to blame for his health, his lack of doctor visits, no more than I could be blamed for the broken crossing that Erica drove through where she was hit by a train. I did feel guilty for a while, I had been on the phone with her 30 minutes before, what if, and that is a big one, WHAT IF I had kept her on the phone a bit longer, one minute or two would of or could have changed the outcome of the day...but it didn't happen that way, it happened this way, the way that took her away. Your Beautiful Son loves you and one day you will feel less broken, less angry. But the anger has to come out so it is good to give voice to it. I hope that the family could perhaps come together and have a pool time as family in remembrance of your Boy, maybe that will help start some healing.

[briansdad]

[user=22932]lolynbo[/user] wrote:

10 DAYS TIL WE GET THE NEW TWINS...NOT LOOKING FWD TO THAT...

WE LV SINDAY MORN AFTER RACING SAT NIGHT...FOR SAN ANTONIO; I AM LOOKING FWD TO THIS

HECKEL AND JECKEL ???

 

[westleysmom]

Dee-Thanks for the song.  I've never heard it before and yes, I cried.

Ever notice that if you mention twins, guys will show up out of nowhere?  Especially NEW twins.  Good luck with it Lorri and have a good time in San Antonio.

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[briansdad]

[user=53239]westleysmom[/user] wrote:

Dee-Thanks for the song.  I've never heard it before and yes, I cried.

Ever notice that if you mention twins, guys will show up out of nowhere?  Especially NEW twins.  Good luck with it Lorri and have a good time in San Antonio.

Rhonda Westley's Mom

HEY.....

[lolynbo]

AHHHH I HOPE THERE CUTER THEN HECKEL AND JECKEL...SHALL I POST PICS....LOL

[josephsmom90]

Indigo family,

I will write a brief bio on Joseph tonight. But an opener can be found here www.brainstorming4us.com click on member stories, click on Joseph Schmidt, read Fast and Fearless. It is his story of a motorcycle wreck I had in 2000 that almost killed me and took seven plus years to put me back together again. I belive it showcases his gift of writing. he was a young man of such promise.

Elaine

[westleysmom]

Briansdad-no offense intended I swear.  I'm just saying...

I read the story that Joseph wrote and its very good.  Read if you get a chance.   

Rhonda Westley's Mom

[lolynbo]

LOL SOMETIMES WE JUST NEED A MANS OPINION...LOL 

[ericasmom]

Elaine, his words, your Joseph, are profound and very likely going to be the words that assist you in your healing. You are one tough Chick, good for you to fight so hard to come back, and good for Joe to have been able to so beautifully put pen to paper. Remember his thoughts, it is not the length of life...

Man am I a dope,,,I could not figure out what twins were coming into your life Lor, now I know!

[briansdad]

[user=7435]ericasmom[/user] wrote:

Man am I a dope,,,I could not figure out what twins were coming into your life Lor, now I know!

COME ON DEE....  DUH. EVEN I KNEW WHO THE TWINS WERE

[sussyqueed]

Erica’s Mom,

  When I first went to grief counseling, the lady asked me if I knew the 7 0r 10 or 15?? stages of grieving. Up until this year I'd not lost anyone close to me unless you consider a dog a person (I kind of do).  I lost several of those last year to old age and I thought that was difficult. But never a child. It has only been recently that I've had these thoughts of anger and responsibility.

  One thing that has helped me is a memorial garden that I planted in my backyard for Joshua. Since he has no gravesite and his wife has the ashes, there was really no place for me or my daughters to go to talk with him. The garden has helped me a great deal. It has a few raised flower beds and a concrete bench to sit on. So, whether I'm talking to Joshua or to GOD, it is just a peaceful place to do so.

  I am truly sorry about your loss! Our children are still with us in spirit and will always be!Sue

 

 

[ericasmom]

Gotta love the twins...I know Greg, I am a dullard sometimes, blaming it on the intense heat, which I assume you are sharing with us. IT just poured and it is thundering now, we are under a severe thunderstorm watch as is Colleen again. Col, stay safe, you have had plenty of rain, we shall hope for you to dry out.

Love to all,

dee

[mikesmomrs]

Hi everybody...just dropping by to say hello...there are new people here, and I would like to welcome them...I am so very sorry that you are here, but "here" is where to be when you need the understanding that is offered here..by those who are walking in your shoes...who "get it," and who offer no judgement as to how you feel, but offer comfort and understanding, always. 

I wish I could respond to all, but I am limited in time on the computer...just know that I hold each of you close in my heart, as always...thanking God for every one of you. 

Just left the hospital for the evening.  A rough day.  At a teaching hospital, doctors are everywhere, all the time...  9 different doctors came in today, but only one really counted...Dr. S., Ralph's surgeon. He is concerned about the kidney function (or, lack thereof), and requested a nephrologist come to see Ralph...one did. He is also concerned.   Right now, they are restricting water intake (I know, sounds counter-productive) and watching it over the weekend...yes, he will be here over the weekend...kind of expected that, though. He is walking about the unit, assisted, he is not coughing much...hurts too much, but they are forcing it. Nausea stopped today, but only for a bit, came back again. So, we are praying, praying, praying...doctors today used the dreaded "D" word...dialysis...which Ralph has just dreaded their saying, so they are saying that it is not for sure, but certainly a possibility if things don't change soon, and they said it is still a good possibility that everything will just "kick in" and voila, success. Oh, how I pray for that! Cathi's back surgery is next Wed, Kim leaves on Tues...time is whizzing on by...why aren't we where we were supposed to be with this---on our way home, hopeful...I know, I am rushing thigns, I am trying not to...it's hard not to...I want him healthy!  I want to know that his kidney will work the way it's supposed to...

Please God, lift up my husband in your arms, send healing through his body, help him to be strong enough to fight all of this and get himself back to functioning as the doctors want...help us to be patient, to be understanding, as you do this in your own way, your own time... Dearest Mike, our precious son, please help if you can, and if you can't please go to the One who can and ask...send healing to your dad...

We truly appreciate all of your support, your prayers, your comfort...please know that I hold each of you in my heart, sending love to all of you.

someone is waiting for the computer...got to go.  thank you all again.

love and peace,  Carol  mikesmomrs

[heartbeataway]

Too funny Greg!

There are so many new faces and names on here ...... so sad!  I'm so sorry!

[summergirl]

Hello Indigo's - what a variety of posts tonight.   Gotta love the twins !! LOL

Welcome to our family Toscha - I am so sorry for your loss and I hate that you have had to find your way here but am glad that you have. You will find much needed help here.....say anything you want - we are here.

Dee - love the song, the words...

Carol -  stay strong my friend...so many prayers for Ralph and you...

Suz - so glad that you and hubby talked...made my heart smile.

I am not having a good night, many thoughts of Jessica so I will say good night and talk tomorrow.   Kathy

 

[Guest]

Just passing through...I'll respond later.  I just wanted to say until Greg asked about Heckel and Jeckel, I didn't know who the twins were either.  All sorts of things went through my head!! 

How funny!!!

[josephsmom90]

Erica's mom,

Thank you. I don't think I can even read that story and couldn't for a long time without crying. And to think that I did not know my wreck even affected him/them like that!! That's brain injury for ya though!!!

Elaine

[josephsmom90]

Ellenb,

I am amazed you are writing at all with all of that loss! I am so very sorry!! I don't think I could make it if it happened to me. I'd lose it.

Just sitting here thinking about Michael going on vacation for a month is killing me!! I will pray for all of you guys/gals in here. Peace

Elaine

[Guest]

Gosh, so many new faces in just a day!  I'm so sorry for the losses.  I offer you the saddest of welcomes.  I hope you find the same support, love and unconditional support that I've found.  These are a wonderful group of people, of which you are now part of.  Sad that you have  reason to be here, but grateful you found us!

What began as such a rotten day, ended up being a wonderful gift.  As you said, Kathy, Gary and I finally talked.  Really talked.  We went to dinner and enjoyed a peaceful evening while the kids were at Celebrate Recovery with their dad.

I sat at the same table as my ex-husband and his wife when I picked the kids up from Celebrate Recovery, while they finished their dessert.  Ron, my ex, and I shared our shock at how fast the year has gone by and talked about our heartache.  We ended up bringing up fun, good memories of Stephanie as a child.  Like the time she cried for an hour because we wouldn't stop and let her catch a deer.  It's not like we don't see deer all the time in Wyoming, but she got it in her head she needed one of her very own one day while we were traveling.  Her dad talked about all the fishing trips. 

We were always going camping and fishing.  When the kids were little, Ron would catch the fish and then put it on the their hook when they weren't looking so they could say they caught a fish.  Stephanie wanted to go fishing for her 8th birthday and she also wanted makeup and dress up clothes...so, there we were, camping by the river and here was this little girl in her dress up clothes and makeup smeared on her face to high heaven, casting her line.  Ron put the biggest catch of the trip on her hook.  I've never seen a more excited child.  And, I've never seen my son so upset that he didn't catch the biggest fish.  Good memories.

It was nice to share that with their dad.  Stephanie loved him so! 

Ron spoke and sang at Stephanie's funeral.  He can't carry a note to save his life, but he wanted to so he did.  My friend, who is a professional singer and sang at the service, too, said it was the best worst song he's ever heard.  It turned out to be the most touching part of the service.

Gary said that he could see Stephanie standing by her dad and singing with him.  And, Gary never says stuff like that.  Her dad, who doesn't even believe in that stuff, said he could see Stephanie mingling with all the people during the service.  I didn't see her.  Go figure.

Both her sisters said they could see Stephanie standing in the aisle, in front of them, when they got up to speak.  They said she was sticking her tongue out at them. 

Jennifer started to cry and couldn't talk, and Amanda could only say a few words.  Curtis grabbed the mike and spoke loud and clear...."I just want you all to know that I know Stephanie died having fun.  I know she was laughing and didn't sense any danger.  I know she didn't feel any pain and that she is with the Lord, now.  The fact that my sister was having fun brings me great comfort."

Sometimes I get so caught up in the one that's gone that I forget about the three that are left.....and the three legacies that Stephanie helped create that will live on....and all the people who loved her.  Sometimes I forget.

I still miss my girl.  She was a royal pain in the cups of her addiction.  But, she was pure joy when she was well.

Carol - I am praying and sending positive energy and light to Ralph...and to you!  I do hope you have face to face support to lean on, too.  I wish I was there so I could just hug you and sit with you and wait with you.

Rest well, my friends....Susannah/Stephanie's mom

PS - For what it's worth...my hubby would love a new pair of twins.  I'm afraid they would clash with the rest of the fallen "family". 

[ericasmom]

Elaine, you are a strong woman with a great deal to tell. You have lived through huge physical and emotional setbacks in your accident, and you found a way to battle back. NOw this loss of Joseph, your Dear Boy who took the role of Family keeper of stories and took  the role of Big Brother very seriously, has you feeling lost. We have all been lost that is for sure. I hear you on how you are alone, that you are in a new town, no friends or family beyond your immediate fam of Sons. Micahel is your youngest adn he is going east for a month which sends you into a spiral of course, as we all know the vulnerability we feel when we have to let go of another child or loved one and try to trust again. Trusting the world...a hard thing to do but Joe's words do remind me that he loved being fast and fearless, and that legacy is saying, "trust the world." He learned from the best Elaine, what it means to be a fighter, what it means to be strong. It stands to reason to be worried about Michael, but it also stands to reason to give him your blessing and tell him to have a great time. It's a very fine line isn't it?

My name is Dee, Elaine, and I am one of the oldies here, Eri was 19 when she died, and that was 7 years ago. SO I have been here for about 6.5 years. You will live through this ache adn you will go through feeling, at times,  that this is surely hell on earth, and one day you will find out how to live a good life in Joseph's light.

My heart to you.

dee

[ericasmom]

Hilarious Susannah, the fallen family. I am afraid that I would not even recognize the woman in the mirror if twins happened to me...clevage alone would be a huge change. I am the female version of Flat Stanley. Oh well, wearing a back brace without twins, so just imagine if I had them.

dee

[josephsmom90]

Dee,

Is that's what is going on? I'm not living? If so, I think I am in no hurry to do so, live again that is. I am drawing strength from the Lord, and drawing near to him. Resting in Him.

Why this spiral, upheaveal, cuz Michael is going on vacation? I am so emotional it's not funny! Anxiety is with me, I hate this feeling, I had it an entire week before I lost Joseph, so now when it comes on it freaks me out.

To make matters more difficult, in about 2005/06 I told three girls friends, that I was going to lose a son. . . Honestly, I thought it would be Daniel, he was so pro military then and it looked like that is where he'd be going... I'd forgotten I told the girls that though and then after Joseph, remembered. Right now I just have no more to say. I need to be quiet for a few. But I do offer my sympathy to you.. I hate this for you, for all of you who have lost a child. It's just not right. God bless.

Elaine

[josephsmom90]

msnher,

How lovely it was at her funeral! What precious memories many have. Thank you so much for sharing that.

My Joseph's funeral was not so, a nightmare. A father who let Daniel, Joseph's twin do it all, was shameful. To begin with, it was as if Joseph did not have a mother. The slide show was cruel, a slide show of myspace parties, something neither boy did while growing up with me. But low & behold 18 hits and it's off to dads to live like one of the boys and with dads permission. Was it any wonder that Joseph insisted that "I don't look at dad as a parent" gosh it took me a long time to get that!!! So I had to endure that, Joseph was not honored for who he really was. That is heartbreaking. . .

When his dad admitted to me that he 'allowed' the kids and their friends to drink in the house, as it was 'safer' that way (idiot)! If I'd not been given a valium that day, I would have taken my disabled little arms and beat the SCHMIDT out of him on my front porch with a shovel. Good for him I had a valium.

I still have not written Joseph's bio but will. Trying to stay upbeat while I have Michael here with me. Peace.

Elaine