Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

SUSAN,

WE JUST DONT EVEN NO WHAT TO SAY EVEN THOUGH WE TOO HAVE LOST CHILDREN..YOUR LOSS IS DIFF FROM MINE AND  MINE IS DIFF FROM DEE'S....I NO THE "SAYING, HES IN A GOOD PLACE..HES RUNNING AND PLAYIN, HES HEALTHY.." HURTS....I KINDA THOUGHT KOURTNEY HAD IT PRETTY GOOD WITH ME...BUT I WAS DELT ANOTHER LIFE THEN I HAD PLANNED...SADLY SO HAVE YOU...JUST HOLD TIGHT...TRY TO GET YOUR BP DOWN...MAYBE YOUR HUBBY IS JUST GETTN RID OF THE HOSP AND AID TYPE STUFF NOTHING PERSONAL ...WE TOO GOT RID OF THE HOSP **** AS SOON AS WE COULD CUZ THAT IS NOT WHAT KOURTNEYS LIFE WAS ABOUT..

I WENT TO CEMETARY AND REPLACED HER SOLAR LIGHTS I HAVE NOT FOULD THE SOLAR BUTTERFLIES YET, DID FIND SOLAR HUMMINGBIRDS..(LOWES @$9.98 EACH) WHEN THE BUTTERFLIES WERE $20 EACH....SO MAY GO WITH THOSE...

HOPEFULLY THEY WONT COME TAKE EVERYTHING AGAIN...

BLESS AND BE BLESSED

[mikesmum]

Well said Lorri

[summergirl]

DANNY, DANNY, DANNY.....SAYING YOUR NAME AND REMEMBERING YOU. FLY HIGH SWEET BOY, SHINE AMONG THE STARS....

[summergirl]

Enid - how wonderful to see Ethan's sweet face when I came here tonight. I love your writing you did, speaks so much to the heart.

Carol - Breathe my friend, breathe. I am praying.  I know the words "fix him, fix him now", it is all we want yet are stuck in the unknowing....we are all here, we are here.

Rosie - beautiful post to Susan.

Susan - I am so sorry for where you are my friend...it is so much more than "hard" as we walk this journey.  "I don't know how to live with this saddness each day" - how we remember those words, how we said them, lived them....You are so early on this path it is hard to tell you that you will get better, it will get softer with time. Please stay with us, come and say whatever you want.....we listen, we hear, we understand and there are many here who have so much wisdom to share with you to help you each day....Bless you.

Greg - so very happy for you and those you help!!!!!

Dee - Spring Break - I am sure you are loving it and I hope the weather cooperates and you get to have some wonderful walks.....

Trudi - always here, always words of wisdom...

I am doing better, I have been in what seems like a hurricane for a few months now but am beginning to come back. I know that Bj is in a shelter right now as he has no where to go...I have spoken to him and he has asked for money but I have remained strong....He said it is very scarey in the shelter at night, he has to be up and out by 6 am and then he can go back at 5 pm......I told him I want him to be there, I want him to see what it is like to have no one to save you, help you, to wonder what you are going to do all day until the shelter opens again.....he said "why are you being so mean to me" and I said "I have done everything in my power to help you and you have done nothing to help yourself so maybe a few weeks in a shelter might wake you up and help you to see just how far down you have taken yourself"...then I hung up.   My heart hurts but I am doing what I need to do. I may sound like a terrible person but I do not care what people think, I am doing what I have to do because I love him so much....I pray, hope and talk to Jessica...we will survive this.

Susannah - you are quite the woman....love your posts.

Lorrie - the tatoo is going to be beautiful and I love that it will be on the shoulder. I am so sorry that someone took all the stuff from Kourtney....I cannot ever put into words how mad that makes me, I just do not understand how that can make a person or persons feel good. I am going to do some research and see if I can find some solar butterflies for you.

Tavian is having fun at Grandma's. She works at a daycare center so they have no spring break, she takes him with her 2 days out of the week and gets to help be the teacher, he loves it as he loves to tell people what to do, how to do it, yet he does it with a sweet nature.

Raining here since yesterday into tomorrow and then it is supposed to get nice... talking in the 70's by Friday right through the weekend....can't wait as I want to get Jessie's Garden moving.....I have half of the slate redone and want to finish the rest. Need to start looking into flowers to plant and am looking at some lily pad's with yellow flowers for the pond. I am always so excited to do her garden....

My Barry is going into the hospital a week from tomorrw to have the lap band done. I am very nervous about it but he is determined. He has been going through all kinds of procedures since last October and has finally completed all the requirements. He is over 300 pounds and he has done everything he can to try and lose it but cannot seem to do it on his own.  Tomorrow he starts a liquid diet for 6 days and then surgery on Tuesday the 6th of April.....It is a simple procedure but nothing seems simple to me.  I am going to take a before picture of him and then an after when he gets to his goal weight.  He is very excited, he has many problems with his legs, back with the excess weight and has a hard time doing the things he wants to do with Tavian....he has bought a bike (whoo hoo) which Tavian is very excited about.  So if all goes well and as planned my husband will be at a weight that will allow him to be so much more a part of Tavian's life and he will be so much healthier.

To all indigo's I think of each of you daily. Wishing all a sweet peaceful night. Kathy

[summergirl]

Hope this posts....Tavian's crazy socks (a little worn after wearing them all day but had to take a pic)

[ericasmom]

Tavian, LOVE THOSE SOCKS!

Susan, I am sorry that you are in the depths you are in adn yet, how could you not be at this point. The fact that your blood pressure is high and that the doc wants you home is a sign that you must attend to. It is hard to take care of ourselves when such a huge part of us feels like she is gone too. But she isn't, she is inside you deeply buried in grief. IT is still you even though you do not recognize that woman in the mirror, the woman that seems to have no patience now. Most of us also found and find that we lack some of the patience we once had. We are changed of course by this devastation, but our core, that kind woman who laughed and cared for Andrew is still you. YOu were made different by his birth and you will be made different by his death, but you are the woman he loves so very much, you always will be. I remember being where you are, where upon waking the reality was waiting for me and I dreaded the length of days. I did resume my power walks as soon as we got back from Kalamazoo Michigan where Erica died. I have to move and walk, have been a walker for my whole life so I had to get back to it, and therefore I continued to drink a good deal of water and eat protein and take my vitamins. So I did take care of myself because I needed to be in charge of something, to have a tiny bit of control. I remember feeling as though I had an ephinany when I woke one day and said out loud, I will always be her Momma, she will always be my Daughter. It was probably around the 1 month mark. It felt profound even though it was a simple and obvious statement, I felt that statement deep in my soul, that nothing, not the fast moving locomotive that took Erica, could take away our history. NOthing could. From there I began to talk to Eri, I still do, nearly 7 years later, I talk to her and I feel that I hold her hand when I take my many walks. Working saved me, but I work as a teacher of young third graders and they give you a purpose each day, each hour. I did not drink more wine than I normally do, two glasses a week usually, but I can see how that becomes a factor in helping numb someof the ache. I urge you to keep coming here, to find a good therapist who has dealt with grief issues, and to write down all that you are feeling. The reason I say this is a written record is sometimes a healthy tool as you look back and see the steps you have taken to get through the very rough roads of grieving. There is nothing easy about this, nothing, but there will be a day where you may feel a smile come across your lips, and you may have a night where your sleep actually felt restful, and there will be a day when you want to sit with a friend and have a cup of coffee, and when that happens, you will see just how much work you did to get to that time. Be kind to yourself which does include taking care of you, drink water and juice to replace the tears, eat small amounts if meals seem to big, and remember that we are never going to tire of hearing about Andrew, all of the stories of your lives together as we share ours.

 People say what they say, mostly because they don't know how to simply say, HOW FRIGGIN AWFUL TO LOSE YOUR SON! They don't get that the aknowledgement alone would be plenty, letting us know that they think of the scope of such a loss. When folks project where they think Andrew is they are usually projecting their belief systems and hoping that you are on the same line.

I have said that we should write a book called, " OH NO, YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT" but mostly people just dont' know what to say and in this country, we do not teach people how to handle death. WE leave it to Hallmark and never teach our young ones how to respond. I find that I do that with my students, from reading them appropriate books with the topic of loss, to discussing Erica with them so that they never have to wonder if it is okay to speak the name of someone, and in fact teaches them that we love to hear the name of those we lost.

Rosie is just ahead of you on this path and my heart is so glad that she can now take you by the heart and help you. I don't think that she believed at the start of her journey, that she would find herself helping another, but here you are Rosie, healing as you reach out to antoher.

Peace to all, our journey is never linear, it dips and climbs like the landscape. Along the way we trip and we fall and we lift another and we leave footprints, proof of our journey.

dee

[lolynbo]

IM GONNA BE IN BAD TROUBLE FOR POSTING THIS PIC...MONTY AND I HAD WENT TO HAWAII IN 95'..AND WE BROUGHT BACK THESE GRASS SKIRTS AND COCONUTS ...THERE WAS TOO MUCH BACK YARD FOR THE GRASS SKIRT (IF U NO WHAT I MEAN)..BUT I THINK THEY ARE ADORABLE...

SORRY KIMMY

[ericasmom]

Aloha and sleep tight.

[Guest]

Kathy - Tavian did a good job creating his crazy socks!  I'm impressed that you were able to say what you did to BJ and then hung up the phone!  That is powerful! 

Dee - Your gift for words is such a, well, gift!  Thank you for sharing OUR journey through your own experience.

Trudi - You are just as wise.  And, I appreciate your willingness to share your strength through your experience, too.  You all offer me such hope!

I had a wonderful, silly dream.   (I was raised with Jesus, so it stands to reason He is who I would dream about).   We were busy in our home, as a family, and our dog's attention was focused on a pillow in the living room.  She (Shelby) kept poking her nose at something.  She wouldn't come when we called her.  Instantly my eyes were open and I was able to see what she had caught her attention.  Jesus was laying on the floor of my living room, on the pillow.  He was supporting his head with one hand and petting Shelby with the other.  He was smiling and talking softly to her.  His hair was like a rainbow of colors that seemed to be alive.  That is what Shelby was nudging with her nose.  Every time she nudged his hair the color would change.  Jesus softly said to her.  "It's okay.  You can investigate.  I think it's amazing, too." 

So silly, I know.  But, it made my heart smile.....thought I'd share.

Love you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

http://www.vatican.va/various/cappelle/sistina_vr/index.htm

Good morning from the Vatican, after you let this spin use the keys on the left to manipulate your journey. WOW! I thought of Betsy here, snapping away at the amazing convergence of forces here, the floors are my favorite, mosaics of so many kinds.

Thanks Susannah, I am touched by your sweet words. Glad that you had a fun dream.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Susannah I loved your dream.  "Jesus" playing on the floor with your puppy.  How wonderful  I would have felt warm and fuzzy as well.  Good luck with the CS visit.

Dee I know that this is your vacation time but you did mention Poetry month and your efforts at school. I know with your prompting they will produce some inspiring work.  I hope you share them with us.  I have to leave but will check out the video you posted.

Trudie I do hope my little friend "Mutley" gets a treat at the coffee shop  It is going to be hard for him to sit still when "Mommy" walks away in his intensive training school.

Carol and Ralph holding positive warm  thoughts of each of you this morning.  May your thoughts and memories warm your hearts.  Kiss Damon for me

Betsy  Thinking of you today .  I do know the pictures of Rich warm your soul.  Hope the weather is better there than here.

Lorrie, Loved the grass skirts, the shells  and the sweet little girls  Great memories of happy times.

Kathy Taivian's socks are special.  I will hold positive thoughts of Barry this week

Dan as usual the memorial card for Danny was beautiful.  How creative you are!!

Susan I hope you evening was gentle on your spirit and that your BP is coming down.  PLease let us know how you are doing.

Mary Ann, Deneance, Rosie,   I missed seeing your sweet angels.

Colleen, Sherry, Sonya, Beth, Leah, Greg, thinking of you and all the Indigos

Have a warm, dry day

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[ericasmom]

MaryAnn, I do hope that you know that it is fine if you do not talk at great length here, it isn't easy for some folks to speak about the emotion and trials of what we are all traveling through. Just know that your being here makes you part of this conversation each day, and part of my prayers each day as well.

Love to you Dear,

Betty, I will indeed share the poems that the kids post. Thanks.

dee

[daniellemom]

Hello everyone! Just wanted to say hello. Dee - North Carolina was hit pretty hard with storms on Sunday night about an hour away from me was hit the hardest several houses destroyed. No one lost their lives from storm. In the news there were 2 teenage boys on their way to school Monday morning and had an accident because the road was flooded. They both were killed. So sad another parent joins the club.

Trudi - I'm not moving. Been in the same house what seems like forever that's Sherry that's moving.

Kathy - Stay strong I'm so proud of you! Good luck to Barry!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[shellbellsmom]

Just stopping in to say "Hello", I've been in and out of this site, read some but not totally caught up yet.  I have been keeping busy, but have still been fighting this cold that will not end.  Today massive headache so unable to read the posts or go outside to enjoy the beautiful weather...but wanted to say I am thinking about everyone and am excited about meeting you all this summer down in Little Rock.  Got my reservations and so far that is my only scheduled vacation this summer.  The last few weeks has been a rollercoaster for me.  I was doing good until the darn Census came.  Who would of thought filling that out would put me into another deep tail spin.  I guess our children won't be counted this time around. I wanted to put that on the form....I HAD A DAUGHTER... SHE DID LIVE...I WANT HER TO COUNT TOO!

Wishing everyone some peace.  Sue (Michelle's Mom)

[ericasmom]

Sonya, I am so glad that you are safe, but so sad that another set of parents has to endure this pain, this forever loss. I am glad to see your Danielle's beautiful smile, that brightens any day.

Sue, I am sorry that the census took the wind out of your sails. Yep , they were here, they used to take up space, but now they are here and take up none, except if they could do a measure of our hearts...

I agree with Sonya Kath, the strength and fotitude you need to do what you are doing is amazing. TO be able to say NO and hang up is huge, and not one of us fully understands the implications, unless we too had to do it. Proud of you Sweetie.

[mikesmum]

Sorry Sonya - I guess I was getting mixed up....do that from time to time.

Sherry - How goes the move?

Kathy - Wish Barry well with the surgery.  Its used here to assist diabetics lose weight and address health issues that impact on the quality of life.  Stay strong...the shelter is where the reality of where BJ has come to might just be the kick start he needed......Love Tavians socks.....should be sold here!

Grandies Em & Caleb overnight and tomorrow....Off to see How to Train your Dragon in 3D.  The age difference is showing more as Em gets older.......she would like to see Dear John (me too).  Just for fun having my mammogram this afternoon...not a grandies activity they will have to be content with a DVD at home!

Well Muttley is getting the hang of the training - getting in to visit is a process though.

Dark and cloudy here this morning......raining overnight - Summers on the run!

 

Trudi

[ericasmom]

Now Trud, stand, stay, get smashed and stay, hold your breath, okay, release. Built the way I am, I need to pretty much behave as if the mammogram machine were a pole and I was the dancer. Bruised hips I have to get so close. Okay sorry boys, no more girl talk, well at least for now.

You and Em might need to go see Dear JOhn together, I can't see a better person for her to view a love story with, especially when she is starting to have crushes adn she is so open with you. Nice for her, nice for you.

Bonnie, how are you Dear One? HOw was being with the siblings and nieces and nephews? I hope that you are well.

I hope that we hear from Sherry soon, but she did say that she was unsure of how long before she would be hooked up and running. Until then, a smooth move I hope.

[ericasmom]

Just saw the news so I want all of you eastern seaboard folks to be extra careful with the flooding. Please use caution.

love,

dee

[summergirl]

Hello all Indigo's - just lost a post....aaarrrggghhh....

Thank you all so much for your prayers and your words.....no, it is not easy and I am not sure that I am as strong as you think I am but thanks so much for the encouragement..  I pray that you are right Trudi...maybe this will be the kick start. I am glad that Tavian is at his grandmother's as it allows me the chance to cry, be angry, sad, reflect....it is so hard as I know Bj has to be out of the shelter at 6 am and not back until 5 pm, so I wonder where he goes, what he does...especially with all of the torrential rain we have had for 2 days.....but I am staying as strong as I can. I really want to say how much I appriciate the fact that you all allow me to talk about Bj here, I am NOT ALLOWED to talk about him with Barry's family as they disowned him a long time ago...I do talk with my friend Linda but.   I know that my problems with Bj are so small compared to what everyone here is going through, nothing touches the loss of a child so please accept my heartfelt love for each of you.

Yes, Tavian was so very proud of his socks....he loves to draw and says he might be an artist...    Let me know Trudi and I will have him make you a pair, he would get quite a laugh out of that......

Finally the rain has stopped, 7 inches and many roads closed today but it is supposed to dry out and be in the 70's by Thursday and a beautiful weekend. 

I am not looking forward to Easter Sunday...supposed to go to my mother-in-laws and I do not want to go....it will be just another "why am I here" day. Barry feels as though we have to go as his dad passed and so we need to support his mom...I say "WHAT ???"  where was she when I lost my Jessica ????  She came to the house that morning and the first thing she did was take my face in her hands and say "you have to be strong", that was it, nothing more. I never received one phone call, not one visit after the funeral. Oh yeah, she did call once to remind me that I had not yet sent out thank you cards to all the people who had sent money, etc.   So why do I have to be there for her, she has her family and they will be there.....I would much rather stay home and work in the garden....

Love and peace to all....sleep well and sweet dreams. kathy

[Guest]

Kathy - I just want you to know that because of your strength, tonight when my son called for money, I said, "No....I don't want to loan money anymore."  Quiet...no explanation....nothing.  He finally said, "okay".  and we hung up.  I left my phone in the car while I went to my meeting.  There was a missed call from him, but I didn't call him back.   Anyway...he and I have been dancing this money/enabling dance for years, and not only have I had enough, I can't afford it anymore.  He'll be mad at me.  He will even think I'm being mean to him.....he might even throw a tantrum.  But, reading your words helped me say no and mean it.  Please keep sharing....cuz' I don't know how strong I am, either.

Love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[aim630]

Kathy-I understand how you feel about Easter. This will be our first big holiday without Ashley. It is also my youngest daughter's 17th birthday. Ashley's birthday was Thanksgiving, and Katie's is Easter. Ashley did not get to celebrate her birthday (or Christmas) because she was in a medically induced coma, but this is so much worse, because now we know she's never coming home. I have to be strong for Katie, but it will be a tough day (like they all are). Thinking and praying about you and your son.

Susan-I am only a few weeks ahead of you on this horrible journey. My 23 yr old daughter was hospitalized with complications from H1N1 for 3 months and on a ventilator that whole time. They were just beginning to wean her from the ventilator and were starting physical therapy, when she died suddenly from a blood clot (we think). It was such a shock. We just get through one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. People say we must be strong, but it's not like we chose this. I'm not any stronger than anyone else, I just have to get up every day because of my younger daughter.

Although I don't post very often, I do read what everyone writes every day & it does help. If not for this site and Compassionate Friends, I probably would have lost my mind completely by now.

Tomorrow they are coming to get Ashley's car. She bought it brand new almost 2 yrs ago, and was so proud she got the loan in her own name without a cosigner. She owes much more on it than it's worth, so we just made arrangements for them to come pick it up. It's at my mom's house. I could not clean it out & I can't bear to be there when they take it. My husband is taking care of all that.

Good night everyone...thanks for listening.

[ericasmom]

Hi Aimie, My Girl's birthday is the same as your Kate. Eri's birth date is 4-4-84. She would have turned 26 this Sunday, Easter.

I know it is hard to go through those firsts, and it will be hard for Kate to have her first birthday without her Sis. So very tricky, trying to balance the natural happy of a birthday with the bitter of loss. Ask Kate what she would like to do for her day, does she want a cake, does she feel up to a party? Will she feel guilty for wanting it? I hope not, but I know many kids do. My Son didn't want anything for his birthdays for several years. As a mom, I got some small items for him over his birthday week, and always made him a pie, (he loves pie) but never made a big deal over his b-day for many years. He still does not like to do much for his day since Erica left.

As far as Easter, I don't do much for it or with it. Never being a strong church person, I have strong faith in God and the spirit world, but I have little to do with the Bible or the stories from it. Sorry if I offend, not meaning to. I will go to ERi's grave site and leave a balloon and some flowers, though I heard it will rain. I did go yesterday and left a pinwheel. She loved them when she was small. Jon and Shan will come by later on for dinner and we will light a candle for Eri's birthday. Bittersweet.

Tomorrow marks Jonathan and ERi's dad's leaving. One year ago we spent this week one year ago in the hospital with Michael. I didn't go home for 3 or 4 nights, staying with Jon and Mike's siter, Carol. We stayed and readied him for leaving trying to alleviate his fear adn his pain, like soldiers we guarded his every minute. So as the full pearlized moon sits outside this window, I see Michael there smiling now, no longer afraid, glowing.

Susannah, I am glad that you could be encouraged by Kathy, who was encouraged by you a few weeks ago...the cycle is nice.

Kath, not that I wish arguements on your marriage, but maybe you can make a deal to stay for a shorter amount of time, or to just pop in for desert letting Barry and Tavian go ahead of you.

[Guest]

Dee - Holding you close in thought and heart as you face a week of bittersweet memories. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigos, lot’s of thoughts these past couple of days. Some that take me back to the vicious circle of things I could have done better, known, changed in my son’s life. It’s a spiral that turns downward and have felt today the bounce back up. I am obsessive sometimes in my thought process. After Rich died I was talking to a friend on the phone and in that stage of “insanity” ,I think that if she could have, she would have reached through the phone and smacked me, like in the old movies when someone is on the verge of hysteria, smack, smack, STOP. Her words had the same effect. This time I remember my dream of Rich shortly after he died. During the waking hours of stark realization, jolted from sleep, afraid, in fear. He said to me in my dream, “ it doesn’t matter any more Mom”. This after my turmoil with the ex and the g/f. I keep the words of my son close, knowing I heard from him and that the earthly crap doesn’t matter anymore to him. He’s ok.

Dee, I found myself flying around the Sistine chapel yesterday. I was mooned ! Beautiful. So cool that when I viewed the chapel and pulled back on my viewing, I realized I was on the ceiling, just floating around.

Susannah, I can relate to wanting to shout from the roof tops, different reasons, but I can relate.

Betty, yesterday was rain, sleet and later snow. Dreary day. And now a weather forecast of 80 in a couple of days.

Trudi, the speck on the rock? Is that you? I understand the sitting and staying put. The ocean allows us to see our life in comparison to something so much bigger and not all ends here or has root.

Not dealing with people. Kathy, I revived an email from my klepto cousin yesterday. She will be in the area and wanted to know if we could get together. This is the same person that pulled a chair up to my ex’s / Richs dads friend of 30 odd years at Richs reception. She was grilling him about Richs cause of death. “ what did he really die from” she asked. My ex approached me at that time, me lost in flowers and wishing I had a chair at the time but not knowing how to ask for a chair. He was so mad. I don’t know if you all remember but we didn’t know what Rich “ really died from” for 4 months. And really, we still don’t know. So do I want to spend time with a person that wanted “ the dirt” on my son? Hell know. Knowing the ex and myself of course, if we had a exact cause we would tell her, anyone that asked. We have no shame and no one, not a single person should ever be put in a position of shame at the death of a child. That is what the klepto was looking to do.

I’ve babbled enough. Wait, Carol. I have trouble praying still but I do. If I were speaking out loud the words would be cut off, stuck in my throat, because I feel that God didn’t do as I prayed for in the past. But, it was not my will was it. So, I did pray for Ralph and you. And insurance companies and doctors, it s a wonder I don’t spit the words out. Thinking of you both.

I took this several weeks ago. Not the best . A bad place for a photo op,in the middle of the road. Minus the graffiti, I think to myself, “ what was the foundation/wall used for at one time”

　Betsy,mysonRich

　

[mikesmum]

Betsy - Despite the graffiti the falls are beautiful.  Yes that is me.  I saw a young man running across that expanse and decided I wanted to give it a try.  I climbed over huge boulders (and I'm not built for climbing!).  But once there I didn't want to move.  The sound of the waves crashing and just being.......I could still be there.

The picture sums up how I feel - disconnected, very small and alone.  My other half took this from a viewing platform.   A couple of women my generation applauded my efforts - Mal was more concerned I didn't want to come down......I just wanted to sit and maybe just fly.......

Carol and Ralph

[ericasmom]

Good morning All,

I am awake after a turbulent night, several in a row, don't know if I blame the powerfully beautiful full moon, or the hormones, or the events that bring this week into sharp focus...all of the above I suppose.

One year ago this was Michael's last day to be alive, dying at sunset. It was cold and raining, the sky had been dark gray all day until right before the end of his last day. Carol, his Sis, and I had told him for days that Eri would come in a burst of pink,to help him fly., he was no longer able to speak. SO about a half hour before sunset, blue sky, just a tiny piece shone through the gray, Carol and I showed Jonathan, we told him the sky was shifting, to watch for Eri.  While he wants to believe somewhat, he was skeptical. Eri's best Buddie, Susannah was there with us, always a devout friend. The tiny blue swatch turned to a bigger piece, and to the west were some white and pinkish colors in the clouds. Carol and I bathed Mike's head in cool washcloths, telling him gently that Eri was coming, it was going to be alright very soon. The rain stopped and the sun broke through as though on cue, maybe saying, "there are no more dark and disturbing days Michael, not where you are headed." The sun then was brilliant and shining right on Mike, and the sky turned a light pink at first, then a bright pink-fuscia. WE all were around him, holding his hands, or just hands on him to lift him off to Eri, his face changed, it lost the pained look, his eyes opened once, then shut and his face was peaceful, and while bathed in pink, his little Bing came to get him, we all said, "we love you Michael, take care of him ERi girl", and he was gone. No more breath from his worn out body.

 Jonathan was devastated, having just commissioned his Daddy to leave as we did 6 years before with his Sister. Knowing what was involved with the grief process. Oh Lord I just pray that one day he feels the peace and tranquility that his Dad adn Sis have now. That his life become fuller from the love adn joy that he provides so many. That he learn to live in the light of Eri adn Mike and the light of the given day.

Peace on this and each day to each of You,

dee

[ericasmom]

Betsy, I love the photo and I am thrilled that you floated about the Sistine Chapel. So cool. I would also avoid the woman who likes to attach herself onto heartache and try to drill it a bit deeper. Like so much fungus on a tree.

Thanks Susannah, it is definitely a filled-heart-week. I am glad to have time to wander my memories as well as the sidewalks and small forest. I will go on a longish bike ride today with my friend Kris. This being our virgin (went for 10 mn. yesterday to assure my wheels) spring ride, and this being that I am 53 and she is 32, I will need to take it slower than she. SHe is a runner, has done 5 marathons, and several triatholons. Not I, but we both love being outside and we laugh a lot. Jonathan has made plans to golf today, with his old friends, which I took to be a healthy sign of knowing he needs to be with buddies, and also outside, not alone with his many thoughts that disrupt his ability to feel free. Learning to take care of oneself when grieving is not easy, but boy, it is good.

SO I am going to do some chores, and then ready myself for a ride. Later, Jon might come over, he left it open. He will need time alone too, but I doubt he slept much. He hasn't slept well since Eri left.

Have a good day Everyone.

Love,

dee

[hotrod]

Dear Betsy  So good to see Rich's handsome face this morning when I signed on.  I agree with Rich's message that - "It  does not matter any more".  I am so glad you have his words and that you  know he is safe and happy.  I too spent about an hour flying around the Sistine Chapel thanks to Dee  I wish  I had bumped into you in one of the rooms or on the "ceiling"  The picture is special as is all your photos.  Thanks for posting it. I do love to look at ruins from the past and speculate.  Trudie I love your "spot" as well. I too feel the disconnect and really  do not want to reconnect.  I am glad you came down and connect with us.  

Dee Thank you for the connect to the Vatican  I really enjoyed the trip and   I am not half thru. I am thinking warm thought of you this week as you face the reminder of Eri wonderful birth and Michael's passing. Today I will pray that life is gentle on your heart and your bike ride enriches your soul.

Amy  How great to see Ashley as well this AM .  How happy she must have been to have purchased a new car and to have driven around in it.  Warm  memories of Happy Times.  Please be gentle with yourself as far as celebrations go and do what you can.  I find if I do what Dee suggests I can manage to attend events and leave when it gets too much. 

Susannah  I remembered your beautiful dream a few times during the day yesterday and continued to wish I could remember my dreams.  Be gentle with yourself today.

Carol and Ralph  holding positive thoughts again today.  I have  a candle at Dan's "Never Lose Faith " site in your honor.

Sue I understand the feeling with the census form.  I received a Beneficiary Form from the Insurance Company yesterday and automatically placed "Stephen's name on the form.  It was painful to have to remove it!! .

Kathy, Lorrie, Greg, Beth, Mary Ann,Sonya, Sherry Rosie, Deneance, Kim, Cassandra,

Colleen, Claudia, Susan and Bonnie and all INdiigos be gentle with yourselves

Betty

Stephen'smom:) 

 

[daniellemom]

Betty - Your words always inspire me!  Thanks for posting.

Dee - As you go thur this week my thoughts are with you.  Ride that bike!  Mattie and I have started to ride again in the evenings but not as far as you go.  Laugh with your friend and feel the wind on your face as you face to finish.

Amy - With your daughters birthday this week I agree ask her what she wants to do.  My son had his 18th birthday about a month after Danielle left, at Thanksgiving.  He didn't want to do anything.  I had jello with happy 18th birthday written with grapes because he didn't want a cake.  He still doesn't make much over his birthday but I know try to do something special for him.  He will be trurning 21 this year.  For Danielle's 21, we gave her a bike and a digital camera she loved both of them she only was able to use them for 21 days. 

Betsy - Love seeing Rich's sweet face this morning.

Kathy - I wished I could go to your in-laws for you, they may not invite us back.  My in-laws act the same way.  Well it's their loss not mine.   I just keep talking about Danielle anyway.  They may feel uncomtable but if feel better if I talk about my sweet Danielle when the family is together.  Prayers continue for BJ you may not think you are strong but you are even if you give in today you are still strong!

James comes home today and I can't wait.  It's been about a month since he came home from school, he is busy.  He finds out tomorrow if he received an intership with NASA.  Oh, how I hope he gets it. 

Carol - Prayers for you and Ralph continue.

Bonnie - Prayers are with you as you reflect on your Dad's life. 

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

 

 

[mikesmomrs]

Hello my friends:  Have been reading the last couple of days, but have just been laying low.  Just thought I would pop on to say hello and “check in.”  Thank you for your words of comfort and support---it truly  means a lot to know that people are thinking of you even when you aren’t “present.”  I did make a mistake about the date of Ralph’s PET scan---it is not Friday; it is tomorrow.

Dee:  My thoughts are with you and your sweet son, Jon, as you face the birthday of Eri and the anniversary of Michael’s being gone.  I am so glad that you have had this week off…from your posts, you seem to be relaxing and feeling the blessing of days off, even from a job that you truly love.   I too love your idea of the reaching out to the kids at school to find the poet in all of them.  You are a blessing to them.  I viewed your video of the Vatican…brought back so many memories.  Cathi made her confirmation there; confirmed by Pope John, while we were stationed in Italy. We “did the tour” of course, and it was just awesome.  I can still feel the chills…thanks for the invite that allowed us to revisit these precious memories.  Have a wonderful ride with your friend…enjoy the wind on your face.

 Amy:  I think Dee’s advice , which has blessedly guided many of us, is right on about your sweet Katie’s birthday…allowing her the choices is likely the best way to go.  We have done that with our daughter, Cathi, who is 8 years older than Mike.  Mike died on the 14^th of October, and Cath’s birthday is May 14.  She said that she “never wanted to celebrate it again,” as the 14^th would always bring sadness to her heart, no matter what month it was in.  Because she has children of her own, however, she did allow a quiet celebration of her birthday that first year, and then after a couple of years, (I can’t believe that I am using the terms “Mike’s passing” and “Years” in the same sentence), she was able to feel the celebration of her own birthday.  Helping that along was being able to hear Mike’s words to me, before he passed “Mom, you can’t die because I do.  You have to live your life.”   It’s been truly difficult, but with those words ringing in my ears and weighing on my heart, I had to try.  We all had to try. 

Betty:  I hope that you have a good day…your daily wishes for each of us is a welcome sight each morning…thank you also, for those prayers for Ralph and I…you are such a good person. 

Trudi:  Glad that you are having Em and Caleb over…I do believe that spending time with these wonderful living gifts is truly beyond a blessing…to them as well as to you.  I hope you all enjoy the movie.  It sounds as though Em is on the cusp of that “cross over” into the next step of growing up…she is so blessed to have a gramma who is so understanding and loving as you are.  Ralph is supposed to take the boys to see “Clash of the Titans” on Saturday…I so hope he is able to, after whatever news we hear on Thursday or Friday---they have been looking forward to it for weeks.  Mike and his sister Cathi loved the first “Clash of the Titans”, so many years ago now, it seems.    How goes the training?

 Betsy:  I think we all know the “think I could have done better” routine of thinking… It is a heart destroyer, as well, and the sooner we can shake it, the better, but sometimes we just have to let it take its course.  I love the picture of the falls… Thank you so much for taking the time for praying for Ralph and me.  The flood of support from my Indigo friends has been truly comforting. 

Bonnie:  I hope you have been able to make it through these last days okay…have you returned home yet? 

Kathy:  I wish Barry well, also…Ralph has the weight problems too (as do I), but has not been willing to undergo any type of surgery… I have heard many good things about the lap band and wish Barry success…it sounds as though he is committed (what with the prep, etc.), and that is what is most important.  Continuing prayers for you as you struggle with the issues of being strong regarding BJ. 

 Sonya:  So sorry to hear that more parents are facing the loss of their children…my prayers are sent out for them.   I am praying for James, also…so glad that you are going to be seeing him again. 

Sue:  Yes, we do want to keep the world aware of our children…”I HAD A DAUGHTER.  SHE DID LIVE. I WANT HER TO COUNT TOO.”  Strikes us all as a reasonable thing to shout out to the world…

Susannah:  So very sorry to hear what you are going through now that Tina’s release date is looming…praying for the safety of your little grandies, and a good resolution to these issues.  I thoroughly enjoyed your dream of Jesus playing with the dog…

Rosie:  and the circle continues…you’re reaching out to Susan…we all know how these early days of our grief can derail us completely, and it is so good to know that even in your pain and state of being, you are reaching out to another who is now walking this road.  Andrew is very, very proud of you. 

Susan:  Know that you are among people who truly understand your loss, and are here to offer comfort and support to you as you begin this journey… you will find strength here, over time, and we will be here for you.  We all so very well understand that “heavy cloak” that falls on us as we open our eyes each morning….I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious son, Andew.  My son, Mike, passed on Oct 14, 2006, from brain cancer.  I was his primary caregiver for those last two months of his life, and on a smaller scale understand that sense of loss of purpose that invades our grieving soul, as we wonder “what do we do with our hands and our thoughts now?”  Holding you close in thought and prayer. 

Mary ann:  As you sign on each day, we see your sweet Brian’s face and hear your wishes for us to have a good day…that is a gift to each of us. 

Lorri:  I like the change in picture for the tattoo that you are planning on for Kourtney…this pic is much softer and shows her beautiful smile even more. 

Sherry:  Having been through it not so long ago, I am thinking of you on your move and hope that all is going well.  Your new place sounds idyllic, and I know that you and your husband will love the freshness of it.  Your sweet Davey and baby Lisa will be there with you, as always. 

We are planning on telling Davis about his grandfather this afternoon…he will take it very hard, as he is very close to Ralph.  Davis is our oldest grandson (24) and has spent the most time with us, as he and his mom lived with us til Davis was 11, and now he spends more time here than anywhere else.  We felt it best that he knows something before we learn the rest…we believe he would be even more upset if he found out we knew about this and hadn’t told him.  Davis has been in rehab for over a year now, working very hard, and we truly pray this does not have an adverse effect on that process.

 

To all our Indigos, Colleen, Marcia, Greg, Dan, Lynn, Deneace, Leah, Claudia...a peace-filled day, laced with sweet memories.  Love and peace, Carol mikemomrs

Ps:  The flooding around us has been tremendous, but we are spared thus far.  I feel so bad for those who have not been able to avoid it….some are facing it for the third time. 

[Guest]

Good morning, Indigo's,

I had to go back and find the picture of Trudi's rock so I could find Trudi on it.  And, sure enough, there she was.  A tiny speck, just like Betsy said.  That is appropo, isn't it?  I am in awe of how tiny we all really are and how powerful we all really are. I find myself pondering how connected we are to all that is.

Dee - I admire your ability to accept and respect your son's personal grieving process.  May today be filled with wonder and awe for both of you.

Betsy - I still pray too.  I say "Thy will be done" a lot more. 

Beth - you are center in my thoughts this morning.  I hope all is well with you and your daughter.  How's the coon cat?

All the Indigo's......I began to list all the names, but deleted them because I know I would forget someone.....You all mean more to me than words can say!

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Carol, very dear to see Mike's shining smile today. A blessing as the morning parts the clouds. Thanks for your good wishes and thoughts. I am very glad that tomorrow is the day of the scan rather than Friday, the less waiting the better. May Ralph see Clash of the Titans as he warriors his way through the tests and results. You are his Warrior Queen, like SHE-RA.

Love,

dee

[ericasmom]

Hey All,

took a nice bike ride, back now to sit on the deck and do some writing and school work. It is 68 outside. We peddled against a strong wind, but 16 miles for our first ride is not bad. My back and body were struggling a bit toward the end of our ride, but I sure do want to get my endurance up to 40 miles in  a day. So many good places to ride within those distances. Blessed by all the sounds of birds and ducks, but also the forest we rode through was ALIVE with peepers, the tiny frogs that arise in the spring. WOnderful.

My neighbor and best Buddie, Kay, had to leave for the hospital this morning as her Dad is dying. Kay is also a teacher off for the week. I had to let her delivery guys in this morning before my ride as she was expecting some stuff from IKEA. Now it is time to let her dog out.

Talk with you all later.

[lolynbo]

THANK YOU MIKESMOM. I AGREE WITH THE PIC...IM HAVING (THANKS TO DEE AND KIMBERLY) PUT ON MY SHOULDER BLADE SO SHE FACE MY HEART ....SO I LIKE THAT IDEA...

DEE THINING OF YOU AS ERI'S ANGEL DATE CREEPS UP ON YOU ALL...THESE DAYS ARE SO HARD BEFORE DURING AND AFTER AND AFTER AND AFTER..

WENT TO THE CEMETARY TODAY, TO PUT OUT THE NEW ITEMS I HAD REBOUGHT FOR KOURTNEY...SO WE SEE IF THEY GET TO STAY..I SRE HOPE SO...I NO WE WILL NEVER CATCH THEM BUT MAYBE IF THEY CLD HAVE 7 YRS BAD LUCK WLD BE OK WITH ME..

NICE AND 80 SUNSHINNG DEGREES TODAY...IM FIXIN TO ACTUALLY THREATN MY FLOWER BEDS THEY HAVE BEEN NEGLECTED SINCE KOURTNEY GOT SICK...SHE ALWAYS HELPED ME WITH THEM, NOW I JUST LEAVE THEM...SO UGLY....BUT IM GOING TO MAKE THEM PRETTY FOR HER AND I TO REMEMBER HER AND I'S TIME OUT THERE..

[shorty16]

Hello My Indigo Friends,

It is 60's and sunny here in WI.

Long day at work today - Purchasing and Supplier Management audit at 2 plants today.  My brain is mush.

Audit went well.  3 findings that will improve our processes.

All is well

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[lolynbo]

I GOT A CALL TODAY, FROM A MOTORCYCLE CLUB THAT WANTS TO HAVE A POKER RUN AND HELP KOURTNEYS KLOSET OUT ALL AT ONE TIME MONTY IS WORKING ON THE BANNER THIS IS THEIR FLYER HOPE IT COPIES...WELL CRAP IT DIDNT JUST USE YOUR IMAGINATIONS...

FLYER HERE...KOURTNEYS KLOSET..HERE...LOOKS NICE...

 

[ericasmom]

A year ago I wrote this about our time sitting watch as Michael prepared to leave.

In all the world

there is this moment

in which to see the stars

and just how they aligned-

bringing us to this moment.

[Guest]

[user=7435]ericasmom[/user] wrote:

A year ago I wrote this about our time sitting watch as Michael prepared to leave.

In all the world

there is this moment

in which to see the stars

and just how they aligned-

bringing us to this moment.

Knowing.  Understanding.  Well said, Dee.  Holding space for you as you walk down memory lane, knowing the stars have also aligned to bring us all to this moment, as well.  Peace and love,  Susannah

[summergirl]

Dee - my thoughts are with you as you remember....Thank you for sharing your last moments with Micheal...the gray sky turning pink as your Eri came to take him with her, the peace on his face...beautiful, tears, tears.   Love your poems, they say so much..           I am going to go to my mother-in-laws as I will do it for Barry, I doubt he could make it through the afternoon without me.  I need to learn to just brush it off...it is his family. Tavian will not be with us as he is staying at Grandmother's for Easter, she has many plans and having some kids over so he will be happy. I am glad he will not have to go with us as they do not acknowledge the fact that he is there any way. The last time we were there it was Madison's 2nd birthday...had ordered pizza and garlic knots and Tavian was sitting next to me, he said he just wanted garlic knots and as soon as my mother-in-law heard that she said "well, if you are not going to eat you should leave the chair so someone else can sit there" - needless to say I was more than angry.....Tavian went outside with his lunch and stayed outside until we left...he always says "do we have to go there???"    She also has a wall in the room with pictures of all the grandchildren, I asked her if she wanted one of Tavian, her response was "no, I do not need one, that wall is just for the grandchildren".......ok, so you have only one great-grandchild so does he get his own wall ?????   Ok, enough....I will let Sonya go in my place and she can set them straight....

Susannah - ok you made me cry.....I am happy for you although I know how hard it is.....I have to admit though that I have been having these moments of being proud of myself, actually patting myself on the back for each day that I stay strong, yes I might cave at some moment but am right now going day to day.  Yes, your son will probably take it hard, get mad, toss the guilt on you, just about whatever they can but I now say to myself "Tavian needs you, Jessica is proud of you" and I gain strength.    You have those beautiful grandies that need you more than a grown son does, that might sound mean but it is what I believe....I hate that we have something in common other than the loss of our daughters....and I am sure that your son is not as far down as my son....but I am happy that my words can give you strength because goodness knows you have given so much since coming here.

Carol - thank you, Barry has been working hard to get this all together to have the lap band done....I was against it for a long time believing that he can lose it on his own but have come to accept that he is determined.   I know 6 people who have had it done and they look great, feel great and say it is the best thing they did for themselves.      I pray each night for your Ralph and for you, hold tight my friend as I have a feeling that all is going to be well....Bless you.

Betsy - Not dealing with people....wow, you can certainly say you do not have to deal with the klepto.....right up there with "stupid things people say"..... There was talk right after Jessica passed that she died from an overdose of drugs....I was so angry I wanted to write a letter to our local paper and tell everyone that they could come to my house and read the autopsy report, did they have any idea how much the rumors they spread hurt, did they know that you are already dealing with the sudden loss of your child ????   Like you we did not know what happened with Jessica until the autopsy report, we were told it was her heart but that was all...so I guess when you hear of someone passing at the age of 26 from heart there are some people who are not satisfied with that so they start their own little story...I will never forget the person who said it.     We can forgive but we do not forget.

Lorrie - what a great idea to do the motorcycle run to raise money for Kourtney's Kloset....love that Monty is making the banner....

Time to say goodnight....have some things to do.  

I love you all and keep you in my prayers.   Sleep peaceful my friends. Kathy

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  Your bike ride sounds wonderful...your description took us along with you.  I am so glad you got to go.  Your poem is beautiful, a usual.  This moment in time...the stars aligning for this moment in time...how many times have we thought about that...many times during Mike's illness, we said how our lives had been tracked and guided to bring us to "this moment in time."  So many times he tried to veer off course, but was guided back to the road he was destined to be on...to this moment in time.  Eri's dad, just like Eri, was guided to the take off point from this plane, guided and gently directed at the end, with Eri there to take his hand.  They were both blessed to have you in their lives on this side of the veil. 

Tomorrow is looming...my thoughts are racing...I keep sending out fingers from my brain to bring me back to the present...this weekend looms large and commanding...we can't discuss the things we don't even want to think about, so we shall not.  We will just breathe, hold each others hands, and blend our heartbeats together.  I got the printout report of the CT that was done the other day...the one that scanned the upper portion of his lungs...it was not good.  I fear his 20% has dwindled, but we shall not speak of it until the PET scan is done and reported. 

Thank you all for your love, support and prayers...we told Davis this afternoon...not all of it, just that there is a chance...he was thankful that we told him, but of course, upset that we had to.  He is mad at God...I told him that's okay, God can take it.  He left the house with "why, why, why?" streaming back over his shoulder as he went out the door.  Pray for him, please.  He is so young to have to deal with so much. 

I hope everyone has a good, peace-filled evening..I am so very thankful for all of you....let us set our problems aside for a moment and take the hand of someone we love and look into their eyes as we tell them how much we love them...I love all of you...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[Guest]

I am in bed to promote world peace.  LOL

Isn't that a hoot?  I read it.  Happens to be true in my case.  Hormones are all over the place and I'm quite irritable, so I went to bed, much to the delight of my family.

Kathy - I can't say anything nice about your mother in law.  I'm too angry!  I admire you for being able to go there for Barry.  Maybe while you're there you can say, "God bless the stupid people, for they know not that they're stupid."  To yourself, of course.  Under your breath so no one hears..........that might be bad...if they heard. 

Carol - I am such a loss of words to you.  I just send all the light energy in my power to send.

Nothing about nothing.....

When people say to me, "I just can't imagine what you're going through."  or "I can't imagine what it's like to lose a child."  I respond, wide eyed, "I know!  I can't imagine it, either!"

 

[hotrod]

Dear Carol,  The new picture of Mike really makes my heart smile when I sign on  He looks so very vibrant and happy.   I know that this is such a difficult time and I just wanted to reach out and hold your hand.  I know that Ralph is a very special man to have such a beautiful person as yourself as his partner.  Praying for your entire family this evening.  Just keep staying in the moment in the day and try not to project into the future  I found that really worked for me in difficult times. I agree  I do love all the Indigos with a deep connecting love that I have not felt for many people and I am so glad I found you all.

 

Dee I agree  Thank You for taking us on you r bike ride I enjoyed the birds and peepers.  Your poem to Michael was beautiful and profound  I remember feeling the alignment of those moments but could never express it in understandable form.

 

Lorrie so glad that there will be a Poker Run for Courtney Kloset

 

Colleen Great to see Brian's smile and to hear all is well and warm in your town.

 

Betsy Weather here is much nicer today and I do hope that you have seen a ray of sun.  I am going to visit the Vatican in a little while maybe I will see you on the Ceiling.

 

Sonya  Danielle's beautiful face was a nice surprise today .I am so happy that James is home and pray that he obtains the NASA Internship WOW what an honor

 

Trudie I hope the 3 D  Dragon movie was not to scary and that Muttley is getting all As.

 

Kathy and Susannah It is so good that you can each support each other as you both practice tough love.  I know how hard that is.   Susannah  IN BED TO PROMOTE WORLD PEACE  that is very funny!!!:dude:

 

Indigos I was only going to sign on to tell Carol and Ralph about my prayers but I got carried away and began talking to you all.  I have to run but to all the Indigos not mention and to those mentioned  I love you

 

Betty

Stephen's mom

[ericasmom]

Goodnight dear Family of Indigos, rest and dream deeply of pretty things. I am putting some old muscles to bed. Promote world peace Sus, love that.

Carol Dear, your Grandson has had a lot to deal with, but he has some of Grandma in him, and somehow he will adjust his sails to meet the wind, find his bearings and go forward. He has great role models after all. I am sorry that the scan you looked at was not good but do agree with you, that the doctors will cue you into what it all looks to be.  Prayers will run throughout the nights and days across many continents and oceans,holding you and Ralph as you hold one another. May Red punch-buggies with magical plates pass you tomorrow as you drive to the hospital for tests. Hold tight Carol, and breathe.

Betty, glad that you liked the bike ride, you too Carol and Susannah, it was a delight.

I walked over to Jonathan's right before sunset tonight and put a pretty garden ornament in the garden. It kind of looked like Mike, a half moon/half sun face on a pronged metal stick. I said some silent prayers in the garden as the sun began to sink further, honoring the spirit and strength of Michael and asking for peace in Jonathan's heart. I called Carol, Mike's sis in Plymouth, Mass. and she and I spoke about the day and how quiet we both needed it to be. she is such a good woman, dealing with so much all the time and with such grace and a generous heart.

My Dear Hearts, thanks so much for your support and care.

dee

[mikesmum]

Dee - The moon here is larger than life - shining down on us these past nights.  I find a peace just being in her light.  Hope Jon is doing okay....knowing Eri and Michael are together.  Wow the bike riding is something I never seem to get fit enough to try.  Bernadette (the recently widowed ambulance officer) is about to embark on the second part of a cycling adventure she and her husband started years ago.  They road from Cape Tribulation to Melbourne to Adelaide through to Darwin....now she will continue from Darwin, to Broome through to Perth along the coast to Adelaide.  All on a push bike!!!

Carol & Ralph - I know the dawning of your Thursday will come with anxious moments and intrepidation.  46yrs of hold each others hands through the hardest times imaginable will count for so much.  The PET scan will be crowded as we will all be with you - as will Mike!  Love to you both, prayers and thoughts too.  Hope the kids got to see the Clash of the Titans..

Kathy - If Barry has the comittment to the preparation then he will have great success.   Hope all goes to plan...

Another psych assessment.  Seems my company needs to check that I'm not faking being affected by losing Mike while working.

Thankfully I found today's assessor to be brilliant.  He couldn't understand why there was even a question over my being at work when Mike died.  Aside from losing Mike I told him I missed me, my old life and who I once was......HE GOT IT!  He said I am grieving for the life of my son and my own.  He talked about the affects on all aspects of life after losing a child..........ahhhh finally.

Betsy - Muttley is going well with his training.  Em and Caleb 'reinforce' the lessons, one after the other.....the pup will be well trained and very round with 'treats'.  The 3D was great, not scary at all. 

Well off to do dinner for grandies before returning them to their parents....then CRASH!!!!!!!

You and yours are always in my thoughts.....Trudi

 

 

[debbief]

:? Hello I am feeling quite nervous joining in with you all, you all seem to know each other and how each other are feeling which is somewhat comforting in a way. My son, my precious son Sammy or Sam as he was known by his many friends was killed in a car accident last May 31st in the early hours, 2.30am, he was all alone and not found for over an hour while I slept in my bed dreaming and looking forward to tomorrow and the next few days, you see I was 50 on the Saturday after and looking forward to a party etc., but I ended up I burying my son on the day before my birthday which will never mean the same to me again, Sammy certainly gave me a 50th birthday present to remember!

It does give me some comfort reading your stories, we never think we will be part of this horrible world, loosing a precious child, I have a daughter who is older, Sam would have been 20 on the 15th Feb, it is just too young to die for no reason.

I am dreading the 1st year anniversay, it will be 44 weeks this Sunday and I hate Saturday evenings, always try to be asleep.  How do you all move on with your life, yes it is not so raw but it still hurts and catches you by surprise all the time, a song, a word, a place, a TV programme, a smell, a picture, a noise and clothing, it just goes on and on. WHY, WHY does this happen to good people?

I look forward to hopefully joining in with your conversations and being part of this special place.

I am sure my Sam has guided my to this sight, I believe strongly in the after life and need to know I will be with him again one day, each day brings me closer to that.

Debbie, Sammy's mum x

[Guest]

Good morning, Indigo's,

Debbie - You are one of us, now.  You may join in the conversations or just read.  There are no rules.  As wonderful as all these people are, none of us wanted to be a part of this group.  I have never met anyone face to face, yet.  I came and just poured my heart out.  Day after day.  I talked about my Stephanie.  I talked about my pain.  I just talked and talked and talked.  I couldn't remember anyone's names.  I couldn't remember much of anything.  I just talked about myself and my child. 

Please tell us more about Sammy.  Post pictures, if you like.  Let us get to know him and you.....when you are ready. 

The only way to be a part of this group is to jump in and just talk.  Soon you will remember names. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Debbie, even though you are nervous to begin, you did very well with your introduction. You let us see your aching heart which is how we all start here. Our aching causes us to search for a place to feel able to speak of our Dear Ones so completely, and I do believe that Sam led you here as well. Sammi was the same age that my Daughter Erica was when she was killed. Eri was 19 and I had just spoken to her before she left to go to a place to grab a sandwhich. I could hear her friends telling her to order over the phone, but she said no that she would just drive over there. My Daughter and Son, 2.5 years older, were living together with some friends in a college town in Michigan, we live in Chicago, Illinois, about 3 hours away. So 30 minutes after our phone conversation on a Tuesday evening, July 8, 2003, Eri was alone in her car at a broken train crossing and was struck. She lived for 6 days never awake, though the magic of her staying for those days allowed all of we that adore her, to be with her for several days saying goodbye.

Tell us all that you can, all that you want, and tell it over and over if you choose as none of us get tired of hearing the events that led you here. We have all told our stories many times, and somehow through that pain, there is healing.

HOw is your older Child? How are you getting on with friends, family? Have you had that sense of having to put on the mask of the old you in order to feel welcome at events, or have you decided against going to events?

It being spring may be rattling you more, perhaps also helping you find us here, the seasonal change but more specifically, the season of your birthday and your worst day. I was 47 when Eri died, now almost 54, come April, and Eri would be 26 this Sunday, April 4th, had she been able to stay.

I went to therapy right around the same time that I came here, at around the 5 month mark. Between the two modes of help, one was weekly, this one daily, I found some of the tools I needed to walk into the sunlight again. I certainly have difficulty still with the sense of safety for others, may have to go back to therapy for a tune-up. Many here came straight away after their loss, others not for some time, we are all of us different and yet brought together through our broken hearts. WE find friendship, kinship here, and yes, we do get to know one another. There are several new to this site, so don't worry about getting to know our names and our Child's photo as yet. Just read and post and eventually you will learn who we are and our Child's name. It really will come to you, so don't let that overwhelm you.

Where in the UK are you?

Blessings Sweetie,

dee

[hotrod]

Good Morning Debbie

I would just like to welcome you to this part of the board.  I did read about your  loss of Sammy, when you posted earlier and am glad you took the risk and shared here. I know how sad and lost you are as you try to process the loss of your terrific, loving son, Sammy.

You are right, Sam did guide you here.  We all do feel as if our angels directed us to this very special place and to each other.  You have introduced yourself to the most compassionate, loving, understanding group of people I have ever known.

 Please come here often, connect, post your thoughts, pictures of Sammy and tell us all about him .  We have connected and come to support each other by just posting here.  We are from all over the USA ,Canada and even one from Down Under (our Trudie)

You are no longer alone.

Carol, Ralph, and Dee holding warm thoughts of you today

Susannah I do hope World Peace is no longer threatened:cool:

Trudie so glad the interview went better than usual .  Someone does understand. Love that Muttley is doing so well and getting lots of treats.  Enjoy the day

Holding warm thoughts of all Indigos

Betty Stephen's mom 

[ericasmom]

Trud, sorry that you still have to answer such crazy aligations, and yet, I am thankful that finally someone gets it. HOORAY. Thrilling that your friend is going to finish the bike trip, what a way to honor her Dearest. It takes courage, and I think that that is a word that many of us do not use for ourselves, but boy, we are one COURAGEOUS group. Smile at that old moon, that shining orb that blesses us with the reflection of the sun, showing us that while we don't always have a light to shine, we can well reflect that light from our Babies. And we do.

Carol, in the area of reflection, take Mike's light, take the light that is shed for us each day by our Babies, and hold it in your hand as you hold Ralph's hand, let it shine the path to the PET scan today, and we will all be chanting in our hearts for you both.

Please Lord and Angels,

hold close Ralph and Carol,

allowing them a sprinkling of goodness,

a way to go forward

in genuine gladness.

If Ralph can be healthy

please let it be.

Calling all you Angels, drive alongside Ralph and Carol, lift them through the debris of worry and into a calmer place.

A shout out to Claudia who is gone from here a long while now, so my thoughts wrap around you as you prepare for a Holy time in your Religion and in your heart.

[mikesmomrs]

Debbie:  I am so very sorry about the loss of your precious Sammy..please come and tell us all about him, when you can.  Share your memories, we will welcome your stories.  I am close to having to go out the door, but wanted to stop and take a moment to welcome you...wishing with all of my heart that I never had to know your name under these circ**stances, but so thankful that you found this site.  BI is a comfort zone, a support center, a group of understanding, kind and loving people, who most if not all of us believe truly that we were all led here by our angels, so that we might find comfort from one another.  As Dee and Susannah have said, don't worry about knowing who we all are, or whose child is connected to which poster---this knowledge will come with time.  Yes, we share, oh, how we share, and we support, and care and understand...we reach out to help and support, and we reach in for help and support.  As one of our members said a while back (I think it was Greg or Dan), when one of us is down, there are many who are at a point to help and bring us back up, and the cycle goes on. 

Trudi:  Thank you so much...tI am so sorry you had to go through these interrogations once more, but so thankful that you finally meet someone who "gets it."  I am thankful for the comfort he provided to you.  The kids hopefully will see the movie on Saturday...

Dee has said before, that we changed dramatically when we gave birth to our child; why wouldn't we change drastically when we see our child die?  The triggers that you mentioned...a song, a picture---are experienced by all of us...eventually, at some point, some may bring a smile instead of tears...but meantime, know that you are among people who understand.  I understand the "I dread Saturday night" as my son, Mike, died from brain cancer, on a Saturday night...used to be our favorite day---

take care of yourself, and again, welcome, and I am very, very sorry about your loss of your son Sammy...a bright star in the world, now a brighter star in the heavens. 

Dee and Betty and Trudi:  (and all Indigos):  Thank you so much for your words and Dee, your prayer.  I have read it to Ralph.

love and peace,  Carol  mikesmomrs