Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest]

Betty - Good luck at the luncheon.  I admire your ability to leave rather than engage your mouth if you're anxious.  As always, I admire your heart!

Rosie, Amy, Kim and Pam - I woke this morning with all four of your names prominent in my thoughts.  I think I'm supposed to tell you that you're not forgotten.  That you are loved deeply....and, the journey will get better/easier.  Hang in there!

It's another gloomy day with snow in the forecast.  Our weather is so unpredictable.  Much like my moods.  I am grateful for the snow, though, because we need the moisture.  Unlike many of you in the east. 

How is it going over there, by the way?  The news paints a grim picture.  Is it Carol or Colleen who live in New Hampshire?  Do you have electricity?

Jasmine just whispered in my ear that she is ready for breakfast.........so, I must take my leave of all of you.

I am so grateful for each and every one of you.  I truly believe you saved my life at such a desperate time! 

Much love!  Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotsauce]

good morning to everyone here at BI, i hope your day is good.

CASSANDRA, i am sorry to hear about your son Jeff.  you have come to a great place for support. 

i lost my only child Brian, 22 years old to leukemia on 5-1-09.

BETTY, i hope you have a great day, how was the zoo?

take care all and be safe.

love and hugs,

mary ann/ BRIAN'S momdukes

[ericasmom]

Good Morning Indigos,

THe cold wind continues and we will have a winter scenario today but giving way to a slight warm up tomorrow and then more adn more as the week progresses, at least that is what is thought today. I do hope that the students can bust free everyday because it makes such a difference in the classroom when they do.

Went to dinner with 5 of Erica's dear friends last night, they did not let me buy anything which was so very sweet. Unfortunately we chose to eat at a new place in the area and my nephew is one of the bartenders, (not on duty last night however), but the place is too loud, and being almost54 and having listened to loud music and many concerts, my hearing is not great, so a place with poor acoustics and many TV's forsports make it almost impossible to converse. I loved being with the girls but lost so much of the conversations. THey all look great, all going forward and the DEAR AMY came in to give me a hug before heading to the city for one of her comedy shows. She is the one who does stand-up and is devoting a show to Eri on April 9th, now dig this. The show starts at 11:00 PM. Okay, young people, to start a show at 11:00 is NUTS but I sure love that they are doing it adn I will be there, with a coffee carafe to keep me up. The after party will go till 2:30. All proceeds will go to the Erica Reith Fund. How dear is this. How incredibly wondrous. One of Eri's buddies, Bridget who many of you met on this site last summer, did the flier for the show. She is a graphic artist. Eri used to make a "rat face" that the girls loved so the show is The Naked Mole Rat Show and the flier shows a big PINK naked mole rat. My heart is full. Thank you Lord and Eri. Oh and when I got in my car last evening to go meet the girls, the song by Pearl Jam came on immediately: Just Breathe. I posted it oa few weeks back, so I knew ERz climbed in the car with me, as the words say;

I'm a lucky man(woman)

to count on both my hands the ones I love.

And that is the way it has always been for my kids, blessed with great friends, and for me too.

Betty, may this day turn out to be better than you are anticipating. Great that you were at the zoo, I have loved the zoo and am lucky to have two great zoos in my area, not that I can walk to, but not far. The kids were at the zoos almost twice per month all their years growing up. Eri though, did not like the zoo the way Jon and I did. She felt sorry for the animals but I told her to learn what you can about them so that we can find ways to save them other than in zoos. I sometimes just go by myself to wander the pretty paths and  listen for the ways the animals communicate. I am honored that you think I could put into words the loveliness of Sherry's new haven. Thanks.

Betsy, so good to see you and thanks for the gorgeous photo.Is the area popping with green shoots? The yellow coming back to the willow branches? Ahhh, spring.

Love to you all,

dee

[daveydow1]

Susannah-----Wishing you peace & comfort in the days leading up to

sweet Stephanie's birthday.

Dee & Betty----thanks for your kind words. I'm looking forward to the

move, which will be bright & early tomorrow a.m.  However, the weather is

to change & get rainy and cooler (gloomy) for Mon. It doesn't effect my

enthusiasm about moving , though.....we're all set to go. This will have to

be my last post for awhile, since I'm not sure what service provider I'll be

able to get.  Internet service is patchy in the rural areas, and one must take what is

available at the time. So, ......peace & tranquility to you, and all Indigoes. 

            Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry    

es.

[lolynbo]

IRONY...(SP)

IS :

KOURTNEY USE TO DONATE PLATLETTES (SP) TO CANCER PATIENCE..

I HAD A MOLE ON HER LEG CHECKED TO MAKE SURE IT WASNT CANCER

THOUGHT I COULD LOOK AT SICK PPL AND SEE WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THEM...(USE TO ACTUALLY FEEL IT)

HER AND I USE TO WALK THE CEMETARY SHE IS NOW LAID TO REST AT

USE TO WORRY ABOUT CANCER BECAUSE MY DAD DIED OF A BRAIN TUMOR, WHATS THE CHANCES OF THIS HAPPENING TO MY FAMILY  AGAIN....(I WAS 2 WHEN HE DIED)

SEEMS LIKE OUT OF MY SIBLING I WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT WANTS GRAND KIDS...IM THE ONLY ONE WITH OUT ANY...

USE TO HAVE A BAD DREAM 2 MEN ARE IN MY DRIVE WAY TRYING TO GET ME AND KOURTNEY..I REMEMBER ACTUALLY TELLN HER IF IT EVER HAPPEND TO GET IN THE CAR IF I YELL AT HER TO DO SO...COULDNT CATCH THESE BAD GUYS THAT GOT HER..

 

[lostwoher]

:?

[ericasmom]

There is a lot of irony there Lorri, the checking of the mole, the plateletts, and that your Daddy died of a brain tumor. All of it ironic adn yet, somehow this was her path. No matter how many ways to Sunday you dice it up, look at it and examine it, this was the path for Sweet Kourtney. I am sorry that you are feeling so tested here, but somehow I feel like you are on the verge of some sort of epiphany. Something good. Hang on Lorri.

Sherry, my hopes and prayers are with you as you move your belongings to your new home. I will miss your communication but will be happy to hear all about it when you return. Don't lift too much and know that we indigos are helping you carry the load.

dee

[lolynbo]

THANKS DEE IM TRYING...I SURE AM TRYING JUST LIKE ALL OF US..WE PROB ALL CAN LOOK BACK AND SEE "WAHT IFS..., IF ONLYS"..OR WHAT I FEEL IRONIC THINGS...

JUST OUR TEST OF OUR FAITH...WHICH I HAVE..IF I DIDNT HAVE FAITH IDA DONE JUMPED...BUT GOD HAS A REASON...WE/I JUST DONT NO IT YET...

[summergirl]

Hello Indigo's--

Cassandra - I happy that you have found us but as always I am so sorry for the reason you are here....the loss of a child is more than anyone should have to endure. We lost our beautiful daughter Jessica on Feb 18, 2006 fform ARVD - sudden heart failure so I understand how you feel....she left behind a 4 year old son Tavian whom my husband and I have custody of...you will hear of him quite often. I am looking forward to hearing more about your son and hopefully a picture as soon as you are able.  This is the place to be for whatever it is you need...be who you are and say whatever you want to....

It was a long weekend - Damien ended up staying over again last night...they were having so much fun and Ashley (his mom) had to work so instead of sending him off to his Grandmother's it was easier to keep him here....Tavian is exhausted as the weather was beautiful so they were outside all day ----- nice weather always wears a body out.   Barry and I worked on Jessica's garden...replacing the old stone with new and making it bigger...looks really good, can't wait to plant.

Went to mother-in-laws for Madison's 2nd birthday...she is so adorable and sweet. Of course it was the same old, same old with me there...I consider myself the "out-law" as opposed to the "in-law" as that is how I am treated...but nothing new, my family is here, the ones who understand.

I put on a pair of Jessica's joggers this morning to go work on her garden, usually when I wear something of her's it brings me such comfort - like she is hugging me but today I had a total meltdown...Barry didn't understand at first until I told him why I was crying so hard and then he just hugged me until I calmed down.  It is so diffacult sometimes when it slams you so unexpectedly but a necessary thing on this long, long journey.

Trudi - beautiful pictures my friend, so nice to see you here - you have been missed.

Bj is in the city - I had 38 missed calls on my cell phone - I cannot let myslef go back to the way it was so I am holding strong with the tough love..appointment at 5:30 tomorrow with counsellor - need it desperatly. Thank you for helping me to stay strong.

Time to read with Tavian so I will say goodnight, sweet sweet dreams. Kathy

[mikesmum]

Kathy - I'm sorry to hear BJ has left rehab.  It's hard there, everyone 'gets them' so there is no easy options.  Hope the counsellor brings you some peace of mind.  The meltdown a pressure release I'm sure....glad Barry was on hand to hold you tight.

Lorri - I was reading how 'alone' you felt, with no one local to talk to.  I get that.  Heck I travel to the US just to feel normal!  Hope your Kimberley is doing well...maybe the sun will come out tomorrow and chase the winter blues away.....

Dee - Hope you are looking after yourself.  How goes Jon?

Sherry - Hope the move goes smoothly and the 'bumps' in the road are small.

I took alot of walks while away, mainly along the coast.  This is a rock formation called "the bridge".  I sat for sometime, really didn't want to come off......

 

[cassandra]

Hi Everyone,

I just want to say thanks for your very warm welcome. What a relief to find a place where I  feel as if I can show my true  self and open up about how I truly feel at Jeff's loss. I have had some very good advice and I thank you all for that.

Well, it was an interesting day. My mother-in-law was moved to acute care and was not as good. However we managed to get by and had a very good talk. It was exhausting however. Far too much, far too soon.

Want to know the truth? I felt completely alone in my grief. Then I read with complete and overwhelming sadness and emotion the tributes that you all had written to your great kids. Not that I want this to be happening...but I am not alone. And how many of us are there? We brought them into this world and remember that moment vividly.  Yet reading your tributes to them you have given them so much love and support and I just know in my heart that they are able to move on to a better place. They were and are still loved. Love and memories endure. And the greatest honor we can show them is our strength in moving forward in a positive way. 

Yes, the Olympics were pretty spectacular. Did anybody watch the final hockey game between Canada vs USA? It was hockey played as it should be. Clean, fast and exciting. I was on my seat the whole time. It could have gone any way at the last moment.  Miller played an amazing game. However, we Canuks won! Ha! ha! Just kidding. I was surprised at all the whining about the weather. After all, Vancouver is always warm in February. Daffodils are coming up. Why they complained about snow melting baffles me? Loved the opening ceremonies, but not too crazy about the closing.

Gosh, I'm dreading another trip into the city tomorrow. I fully expect the inevitable... but this is way too soon. I just don't want her to suffer. 

 

 

 

 

[ericasmom]

Cassandra, good luck on that next trip to the city, and please tell me which city in Canada you live near? I know you probably said it, but my brain does not always hold what it should. I am glad to see you come back today, hoping that so many of us don't overwhelm you. Remember that our names and Childrens' faces will click as you move along, don't feel you need to know who we all are.

As far as feeling alone with your grief, you are on many levels, but on all the other levels, you are not anymore, we are here with you, just a little ahead of you on the path, though some are right next to you. I do believe Rosie is at the three month mark as well. THis place has helped so many find their footing because we come here and share from the heart, no pretenses and no masks. Blessings to you,

dee

Trudi, I can well understand why you would hesitate to leave the Bridge as its called. What a serenely beautiful place, a place to commune with Angels perhaps. There must have been a strong current of peace to keep you planted there. Love having tidbits of your trip this way. Like Betty, I am not a member of FB so I could not leave a message to your beloved, but if I coud;

Mike, you are in the sunrise as each day breaks over the horizon

your morning rituals passed to the next generation and to the one before yours,

greeting the day as though we are greeting you,

with joy and hope for goodness,

for strength,

for the beauty that you have in your heart to enter ours.

Kath, keep holding strong, I think it is an amazing thing to let those calls go and not pick up, I know it must be hard on you but I am so awed by the strength you are forging. Jess is rooting you on. We are too.

[cassandra]

I come from a place just north of a city called Winnipeg. I was born and raised in Winnipeg, but we moved up to our cottage a couple of years ago.  The cottage is on Lake Winnipeg which is about an hours drive north of the city. The closest town is called Gimli. An Icelandic town of about 5,000 people in the winter....but  swells to 30,000 in the summer months. Mostly cottagers and an ever growing retiree population. Winnipeg  is about 400 miles north of Minneapolis. A city of around 700,000.  It is smack dab right in the middle of the prairies.  I love living here. It is a place that I have always thought of as home. I have travelled a fair amount but always have been glad to come back. I've travelled a fair amount in the States. But here are still a lot of place I would love to see.

[mikesmum]

Well Cassandra - I was in MN last July with 5 other Indigos.  Small world getting smaller. 

Dee - Thanks for the words...will post them on Mikes site.  

 

[cassandra]

It is a small world. How did you enjoy your holiday? I really like Minneapolis. Were you able to see any other cities?

[mikesmum]

Briefly saw LAX, flew over many states but only got to see a small amount of MN.  I travelled home via Honolulu - surprise another ocean beach!   This year I am heading to Little Rock for a gathering of Bereaved Parents USA.  I am hoping to see little more by catching up with those who made my first trip so memorable...

 

[mikesmomrs]

Hello Indigos:  just reading today, kind of quiet.  Holding my breath.  Tomorrow (Monday) will be a long day...hubby's appt is not until 4:15 pm.  I can't begin to tell you of the scenarios that have been racing through my head all day.  We do have Damon again tomorrow, so he will surely keep us busy. 

I am so glad to see you back on the board, Trudi, and so happy that you had a good trip.  The FB site that your daughter created was such a wonderful thing for her to do.  I will visit, also.  It is such a good way for Mike's friends to be able to stay in touch.

Cassandra---you mentioned that your Jeff looks very much like my Mike...Trudi's Mike (also known as Micheal)  and my Mike are also very similar; in looks and in lifestyles, etc.  We will be happy to hear more about your Jeff, when you are ready.  Can't wait to see a picture, too.

Dee:  that is such a sweet writing you did for Micheal's post.  I hope you have a quiet week ahead with your "kids" and that they get to go outdoors every day.  We are supposed to have rain here much of the week, beginning tomorrow.  Cooler temps, as well, but I am thankful for the weekend---it was really beautiful, though didn't see much of it today, except for on the way to and from church.  Stayed in all day, trying to calm my nerves and get rid of the dark thoughts that surround my anticipation of tomorrow's doctor's visit for hubby.

Thank you all for the words about Mike's new avatar...I was finally able to see it, too.

I do need to try to sleep...morning comes early when you have to deal with a rambunctious 5 year old starting at 7:15 and your bones don't stop creaking til you're out of bed for at least an hour!

Thinking of you all, and holding you close in thought as you all begin a new week...thank you all for sharing your stories and your days...

love and peace, carol  mikesmomrs

[Guest]

Carol - Holding space and light for you and your husband today. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lostwoher]

Here reading regularly holding you all close to heart. The one place I can visit and feel normal. Whatever that is.

My niece Jennifer ( 23 yr old ) was admitted into the hospital yesterday with complications from chicken pox. At least thats all they have to go on. Numerous tests have been done but they cant seem to find the actual cause of her being so sick. Im asking from those of you who pray to please keep her in your thoughts. Jen is a very smart girl who is in college and has no insurance. At one time i talked her into going to pharmacy school and then she changed her mind to do sports medicine, ahhh to be young and have decisions to make. I just want her well.

So cold again today but at least the sun is shining. Working the midnite shift tonite but will check in with my blackberry when able.

Thinking of you all,

Lynn

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

 

Lynn So sorry to hear about Jennifer.  Prayers for positive outcome going out. Thanks for coming here and adding the the Smileys.They cheer me and let me see Kayla's sweet face.

 

 

Well thank" doodness", the birthday luncheon went off very well. It was a good friend's Birthday and there were a group of people that  I did not know who attended.  I was able to wear the mask and no one talked about children.  Food and music were  good and I stayed for about 2 1/2 hours   That is good for me.  I would rather have been at the zoo or walking alone but in my new world I am attempting to "show up: for events that for the last few years I have refused.  This one went well!!

 

Dee What an honor to have Eri friends spending so much time with you celebrating Eri.  The Fund raiser sounds os very special.  Starting an evening at 11 PM and the level of music is hard to adjust to but having Eri there reminding you to "Just Breathe" is special.

 

Carol.  I know how difficult this day is.  Warm thoughts and positive  prayers are sent to you.  So glad Damon is there with you  He is a special.  I attend church every day at 12 Noon  Light my many candles for our angels and then include special requests  I will hold warm thoughts of you and hubby all day today.

 

Cassandra  Dee is right  I too always selected your name as mine when playing "Make Believe"  Glad you are here and sharing Jeff and your life . I do hope you can get some rest this week and that the hospital visits will be less difficult.   I did watch the Olympic Hockey Game and truly enjoyed it Ovettime and all That is the way all games should be played.

 

Susannah I am so impressed with your spirit  How kind and generous you are with your 3 grandchildren and sharing the memories of Stephenie.  It is a great gift to them.  Love that  spirit.

 

Betsy I hope the sun shines bright on your day and that you have warm special thoughts of Rich

 

 Rosie how did the trip go, Colleen I hope the weather is better today  and Lorrie, MaryAnn, Kathy and Beth holding gentle thoughts of you during these difficult days

 Claudia, Marcia, Deneance, Kim,Leah, Dan, Greg, and all Indigos have a Blessed day

Betty

Stephen'smom:)   

[lolynbo]

LYNN I  PRAYED FOR JENN...HOPE MINE WAS THE ONE GOD WAS WAITING ON TO CURE HER...

TODAY THE SUN IS SHINNING COLLEEN...I DO FEEL SOME BETTER...IM THINKING POSITIVE. I USE TO BE SOOOOOO POSITIVE..NOW I FIND MY SELF WATCHING TV AND WHEN SOMEONE SAYS "AH THEY WILL PULL THRU, OR ETC"..IM LIKE YA WHAT EVER..AND I DO HAVE FAITH I JUST LOSE IT SOMETIMES

I KNOW WHERE MY GIRL IS, I KNOW SHE IS AN ANGEL AS WELL AS YALS BABIES...I SAW HER PASS I NO SHE WAS PRESENT BEFROE THE LORD THERE IS NO DOUBT IN MY MIND...IT WAS SO MAGICAL AND BEAUTIFUL AND PEACEFUL THERE IS NO WAY NO DOUBT SHE IS AN

ANGEL

AS WELL AS YALS AS I SAID I SAW IT...BUT GOD I MISS HER...

KIMBERLY MADE IT TO CANADA SAFELY, SHE SAID HER ROOM IS NICER THEN ONE IN CALI....SLEEP # BED KINGSIZZED....EVERYONE ASKED HER WHAT SE SET HER BED TO SHE SAID "ONE SIDE WAS 90 ONE SIDE WAS 20...I DONT NO HOW TO WORK IT" THEY LAUGHED AT HER ...THINKING SHE IS A FUNNY GIRL...

HER BOSS GOT GOOD REPORT ON HER THOUGH, HE WAS TOLD "NOT ONLY IS SHE SMART AS A WHIP, SHES NOT BAD EYE CANDY"  LOL

KATHY HOLD TIGHT I NO ITS HARD BUT YOUV GOT TO DO IT...MY BROTHER TOLD ME HE WOULDNT HAVE EVER COME CLEAN HAD WE NOT PUSHED HIM...REMEMBER THAT..

CASSANDRA, I MISSED WHAT HAPPEND TO YOUR DEAR ANGEL BUT IM GLAD YOU FOUND US SO SOON..HOPE TO SEE YOU IN ARKANSAS..

HAVE A BLESSED DAY AND BLESS SOMEONE..

[ericasmom]

Giant prayers of healing for Jennifer Lynn, please let her come through this with ease Lord. Does she have REYES SYNDROME? I remember back in the 1980's a rash of children and young adults had Reyes after chickenpox, something having to do with taking a medicine with the chickenpox...don't remember much but you can google it. My thoughts are with you as you go through a difficult waiting period, Lord knows and so do we all, what that feels like. Prayers.

And Carol, the waiting for you as well. I was awake a lot last night, not sure why other than hormones probably, but boy, I am sure understanding the scenarios you are painting in your head, and I wish that I could whitewash them away. Prayers.

Cassandra, I have never been to Winnipeg, but I have been to Toronto and to Granby Quebec, and Montreal. I loved the area and coming from Chicago, Illinois, a prairie state, I too love the praire. I am, as are others here like Greg, a fan of Neil Young, who is from your Country and loves the prairie with all of his heart. I do certainly love Minneapolois/St. Paul, have been there now 4 times, each time loving the city and outskirts. It sounds like a pretty place where you are, right on the lake. My husband's dream really. I am a city girl in my heart adn a nature lover to the core so I do well in both but need the city as my backdrop. Let us know how your day goes with your Mom-in-law.

Trudi, so sweet of you, MEERKATS Deary.

[briansdad]

Dee,

I was unwinding from a busy Sat. watching a little Tv and what did I find on the Independent Film Channel ?????

A Neil Young concert !!!!!!!!! It was great.

[ericasmom]

OH Greg, so glad that you found it too, isn't he an inspiration and a leader? I love the man and have thought recently of sending him my letter of almost 7 years letting him know what an influence he has always had on me and what a deeply wonderful surprise to hear Eri remark that her favorite artist at the BONAROO concert was indeed, Neil Young.

Blessings to you Greg, and thanks,

dee

[briansdad]

[user=7435]ericasmom[/user] wrote:

OH Greg, so glad that you found it too, isn't he an inspiration and a leader? I love the man and have thought recently of sending him my letter of almost 7 years letting him know what an influence he has always had on me and what a deeply wonderful surprise to hear Eri remark that her favorite artist at the BONAROO concert was indeed, Neil Young.

Blessings to you Greg, and thanks,

dee

Long may he run..............................................................

[shorty16]

WOW

We definitely have different taste in music.  Neil Young certainly has a following, but I am not amoung them.

Long may he rock-on!?!?!?!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Lynn

My prayers are with Jennifer and your family.

Colleen

[shorty16]

Lorri

Glad Kimberly made it safely to Canada.  Canada is a great place, nice people with good values.

She will do great.  Keep us posted, we care!!

Colleen

[shorty16]

Indigos

I am post-happy today, finally have some time.  The weather is great outside.  Wind off Lake Michigan, so a little cooler.

I am watching New Moon (pretty stupid).  Sorry for those who like this.

Thinking of my Brian today and where he would be in his life (he would be 18).  I know thinking about Brian as a young man is a dead-end-path, but I cannot help but go down it.

I sure love this place.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever and Ever

[briansdad]

[user=20150]shorty16[/user] wrote:

Indigos

I am post-happy today, finally have some time.  The weather is great outside.  Wind off Lake Michigan, so a little cooler.

I am watching New Moon (pretty stupid).  Sorry for those who like this.

Thinking of my Brian today and where he would be in his life (he would be 18).  I know thinking about Brian as a young man is a dead-end-path, but I cannot help but go down it.

I sure love this place.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever and Ever

Hey,

I wouldn't apologize. I do that with my Brian all the time. He will be 30 next month.

Greg

 

[lolynbo]

WELL WE ARE SURE BEING TESTED...MY WRECK NOW THIS..OH WELL WE ARE ALL FINE..FINALLY GOT MY POLICE REPORT ON MY CAR FROM 9 DAYS AGO...

KODY LOOKED OUT OF HIS MIRROR AND LOOKED BACK AND HIT A SPEED LIMIT SIGN..ITS HARD TO BE MAD WHEN HE WAS CRYIN...

[mikesmum]

Colleen - I think we 'ponder' what our kids will be like as they grow older.  Mike had made it to an adult, but I still 'wonder' what he would be like as the dad of a teenage girl etc......like the love in our hearts the 'wondering' doesn't end.

 

[summergirl]

Lynn - praying mighty hard for Jennifer...thoughts with you as well as I know how hard it is.

Carol - keeping you close in prayer and hugging you tightly. May all of our Angels gather together holding hands and send down all their energy to carry you and Hubby through.

Lorrie - so glad Kody is ok, a dent is nothing (of course to Kody it is) but in our world it is something so small compared to what could have been. So glad you couldn't get mad at him....those tears get us every time...    Oh yes, we have many Angels, I believe, I belive.

Cassandra - so glad you have found a place with us....we welcome you with open minds and hearts.

Trudi - The bridge...I would not have wanted to leave it...it looks so beautiful, a warm place to sit and just be.  So glad you are back but glad that you got away.

Tavian is coloring beside me...the tears are near the surface but holding them in as he looks so much like his mommy....she LOVED to color from the time she could hold a crayon right up until she left us....still have her books....Tavian brings me so many sweet memories of Jessica, I realize how blessed I am to have him with us...he is his own person but so much of Jessica in him it is sometimes like looking right at her. He was excited today as he met another teacher at school who knew Jessica and she talked to him about knowing her.  I was by one of the teachers that he is so much like Jessica, a leader, smart and loving.... Tomorrow is "funny sock" day at school so he got a pair of his white socks and his markers and decided to make his own...really cute, I will have Barry take a pic.

Thank you for your faith in me about Bj but I am afraid I have to confess that I failed today....I came out of the coffee shop and he was next to my car...I stopped cold and just didn't know what to do...my heart was racing, the pain intense.....I gave him money and dropped him to the train station...said he was "leaving" whatever that means...........I am so very angry at myself as I have been so strong and I went a huge step backwards today......I feel as though I have not only failed myself but you also as you have had such faith in me that I was holding tight.....I will not do it again, I was supposed to go to counselling tonight but it was cancelled as she was not well..I really needed it but tomorrow I will go. I know I am not supposed to say I am sorry but I am, mostly I am sorry that I once again enabled my son and I promised not to ever do it again.....I am now in the mindset of "ok you really f***ked up but it is ok because now you let it go and get back on the forward track.  Please keep the prayers going, I need all of you.

Sweet dreams my friends....Kathy

 

[ericasmom]

Kathy, instead of worrying bout us, I would ask that you focus now on how you are going to NOT give him money tomorrow or the next day when he totally upends your world by being present and leaving you very little choice. The thing to remember I think, is that you do have a choice but the choice sucks. What giving him money does is lets him know that you didn't really mean what you said, and fuels him for more. He will only increase in his persistence because he knows he can knock you off your pace. Not 'cause' he is mean, but because he is ill. And likewise, you give him money to answer a place in your life that feels fulfilled for that moment when you give him money, sort of like his need is yours. It is fleeting, it is filled with fantasy; maybe this time he will get on the train and for him; maybe this time I will actually go to a place to heal. It is a dance the two of you engage in.

Why is it that BJ doesn't blindside Barry this way? Does he know that it just won't work? I wonder then, what you can do if you come out of work tomorrow, two days, two weeks, months from now and he might be waiting to put you in that spot again? Could you calmly pick up your phone and speed dial your counselor or one of your work friends, or one of us? Could you speed dial Barry to meet you and tell your Son that you called Dad to help you from this scene. I am grabbing in the dark here, wondering if any of these tactics would work for you. And I am praying that you find your peace tonight, knowing that tomorrow is a new day.

One thing I tell my students that might come in handy here; "If I tell you I love you do you believe me?"

 "Yes" they say.

"Well if I tell you you must turn your work in if you want recess but then give the recess anyway to those who did not do the work, will you believe me when  I say I love you?"

 "Maybe not" they say, '"cause you didn't mean what you said about the homework."

Basically, you have to mean what you say if the ones we are loving are going to believe us. No easy task when put in your position, but oh my, from the mouths of babes.

Lorri! So sorry that another car situation has interrupted your world. But as you said, everyone is fine. So glad of that.

Carol, any news that you have is news we will help you with. Let us be the hammock in which you lay your weary bones.

Lynn, any news from the hospital on Jennifer?

Loving you all,

dee

[Guest]

Carol - Still holding space for you!  Hoping that "no news" is good news....

Lori - This is SO NOT funny!  But......it kinda is.......  I'm so glad no one was hurt and I'm so sorry the cars in your life all have dents in them. 

Kathy - Sheese!  I logged on earlier and was going to "unload" about my own son and then didn't because of, well....the same reasons you give.....

The fact is, I enable my son way too much, too often and too easily and hate myself for it later.  Today, I was ready to evict him because he's such an ass to his wife.  But, his birthday is Friday and I'm afraid he'll committ suicide (he's threatened before).  He spends his money on booze and playing, leaving his wife at home with the kids, and if she complains he verbally attacks. 

And then there's the side of him that is as sweet and adorable and responsible and humble and hard working that make it impossible to turn him away.  He feels so remorseful when he screws up...

So....here we are, together, my friend.  And, what I honestly believe is what we don't need is to beat ourselves up anymore for any of it!  It's about progress not perfection.  We are going to screw up again.   It will happen.  We progress in small steps.  I absolutely know if my son was standing by my car I would have done exactly what you did. 

Turning the situation over to Gary to handle isn't much better...he's a bigger softy than me. 

So...I sat here tonight, angry at both my son and daughter in law and trying to figure out what I'm going to do when a line from another recovery program I used to attend came to me.......We don't create a crisis, and we don't prevent one if it's in the natural order of things.

Instant answer.  Instant peace.  I don't have to make a decision today.  Today all I was asked to do, by both of them, is listen. 

I'll make my decision when the time comes.  My first sponsor, a prominent doctor's wife, who died of cancer a few years ago, once told me I had no business setting firm boundaries.  What's yes today, can be no tomorrow.  And, what's no today, can be yes tomorrow. 

This isn't a set back in your life, it's just another learning experience.  He's your son.  You will get to the point when you will be strong enough to say no when you have to, and then you might even "cave" after getting to that point....but..you are a good mother!!!!!   Of course you love your son.  Put down your whipping stick for tonight. 

There was a day I turned away from Stephanie.  I believed horrible rumors about her.  I wouldn't even allow her to explain.  I ignored her.  I didn't know where she was living or what she was doing.  If I saw her, I walked right past her. 

It took a psychic of all people to tell me my daughter needed me (this woman knew nothing about my relationship with my daughter).  I was still so angry that it took a few weeks for me to actually act on that information.

When the same lie that I believed about Stephanie was also spread about me, I knew of my huge mistake.

I know it's a completely different situation.  But, I have to live with all the times I walked right past my daughter. 

I hate to make decisions based on the idea that this might be the last time I see "them", but it is a huge part of my relationships, now.

I've been a hard, cold woman.........and, my children have paid a high price for my indifference.

When the time is right for you to say no..........you will.  In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing.  Keep going to counseling.

And, hell, she might just tell you the woman (me) on your grief group is full of you know what.

But, if I were there with you right now, I would hug you tight.  And, we would cry until we could laugh!

Love you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[cassandra]

Hi Everyone...still trying to read everyones posts and get some sort of feel for who you are. I must admit I'm getting names and kids names confused ....so please be patient. I have a feeling that many of you have bonded over a period of a few years. Am I right? And I understand that you got together last year for a reunion of some sort. Was this the first time you had done this? How did it go?

I feel so reluctant in sharing my deepest feelings. It's not that I am afraid to disclose things...but that I am a very private person and am a little embarassed to talk about my loss to others. Did you feel this way as well at first?

Today was difficult with my mother-in-law. She was moved to acute care and I am wanting more then ever to escape the responsibility of caring for her. I have one sister-in-law that lives in Dayton, Ohio. She has placed the full responsibility of looking after her mother on my shoulders and tonight I am really ticked off. I feel ashamed to think that. I am still in shock after losing Jeff. Another death seems far too much to handle right now. I am still in denial. I don't feel a thing. I really don't. Why am I not crying? Why am I numb? What a strange feeling this is. I loved that boy more then anything... yet I am numb.  I don't think there is any one given way to mourn. I guess we all have our good and bad days. What I find hard is that people look embarassed when I mention his name. They seem anxious to change the subject. They don't want to hear me talk about him. Is that normal? Or are they nuts? I still talk about him as if he was still here. It is a natural reaction for me.  And then I catch myself. How long does it take to face the fact that they are dead and not coming back? Definitely denial.

 

[mikesmum]

[user=45773]cassandra[/user] wrote:

Hi Everyone...still trying to read everyones posts and get some sort of feel for who you are. I must admit I'm getting names and kids names confused ....so please be patient. I have a feeling that many of you have bonded over a period of a few years. Am I right? And I understand that you got together last year for a reunion of some sort. Was this the first time you had done this? How did it go?

I feel so reluctant in sharing my deepest feelings. It's not that I am afraid to disclose things...but that I am a very private person and am a little embarassed to talk about my loss to others. Did you feel this way as well at first?

Today was difficult with my mother-in-law. She was moved to acute care and I am wanting more then ever to escape the responsibility of caring for her. I have one sister-in-law that lives in Dayton, Ohio. She has placed the full responsibility of looking after her mother on my shoulders and tonight I am really ticked off. I feel ashamed to think that. I am still in shock after losing Jeff. Another death seems far too much to handle right now. I am still in denial. I don't feel a thing. I really don't. Why am I not crying? Why am I numb? What a strange feeling this is. I loved that boy more then anything... yet I am numb.  I don't think there is any one given way to mourn. I guess we all have our good and bad days. What I find hard is that people look embarassed when I mention his name. They seem anxious to change the subject. They don't want to hear me talk about him. Is that normal? Or are they nuts? I still talk about him as if he was still here. It is a natural reaction for me.  And then I catch myself. How long does it take to face the fact that they are dead and not coming back? Definitely denial.

 

Cassandra - Yes they are nuts...looking out from where you are now you must wonder why they dont get that you have lost your son and your world is upside down.  Thats part of it.  The other part is that we 'those who have lost a child' make people uncomfortable - not intentionally, but nevertheless its hard to know what to say. 

As for your sister-in-law, well I guess you might have what we all suffer from....presenting strong, presenting well.  It gives the illusion that we can handle anything and we are okay.....

Sharing is something you need to do when you are comfortable.  The question of facing the fact....well its 3 and a bit yrs since Mike left and my mind doesn't really let me dwell on the never coming home.....if I do my facade shatters and I fall..

Trudi

[mikesmomrs]

Cassandra:  I came on to post briefly, but I must address your post, as well.  No, you are not crazy, and yes, what is happening is "normal," or "normal" in our new lives...our new normal.  All you spoke of has been posted about here before, and will again...we all understand about the feeling of the need for privacy, and also about the feeling of the need to share our pain...these feelings come and go and sometimes come at the same time.  As for the parents and kids name confusion, that is also normal...it takes time, but you will come to know us, and we will come to know you, and in that knowing there is healing and hope.   I am sorry about your problems with your mother-in-law...it is so unfair that you are the one responsible...I send you strength and prayers.

I am just posting briefly to let you all know that the news is not good.  I haven't cried yet...I think that my self is telling me that if I cry, it's real.  It can't be real.  I have had my husband by my side for just shy of 46 years...he is like my skin; my breath, and certainly, my heart.  His primary care doctor said the test results are "significantly worrisome."  I asked for a copy of the report...don't know if this was a good or bad idea on my part...have read it over again and again...have had so many mixed feelings all day...mostly tempered with disbelief.  Hubby has a high likelihood of renal cell carcinoma; likely will require kidney removal.  The truly worrisome part, and I have not told my husband this yet, is that there is a suspicion of metastasis to the lung from the right kidney, which is where the suspected cancer (a 2" by 2" tumor) (yes, that's inches) is.  (6.2 cm by 6.5 cm by 5.9 cm).  As many of you know, he also has severe COPD...I am devastated.  the doctor is making an appt with a urologist (who happens to be my urologist) for further diagnosis treatment planning.  I happen to have an appt with my urologist for a third follow-up on my own 2" by 2" cyst, which so far has remained just that---a cyst, for tomorrow morning and am bringing the report on my husband with me---perhaps he will have time to review it.  I will keep you all posted...so sorry to dump this on all of you, but you are my lifeline, as always, and most certainly, again.  I haven't told the kids anything other than that he needs further consulting. 

prayers for strength, for hope, and for good care and treatment---something we had to fight for, for Mike---now we know better. 

must go...early day tomorrow (today).

love and peace to all here, you have been and continue to be my strength, Carol  mikesmomrs

[lostwoher]

Cassandra, share what you want when you want. We are here to listen, not judge.

Kathy, so sorry BJ knows exactly how to push your buttons to get what he wants. Dont beat yourself up. Let it be a learning experience. Better luck next time. I know you can do it. I like Dee's idea of calling for backup

Jenny has been moved into isolation. She says the nurses wear astronaut gear when coming in to check on her. At least she still has a sence of humor. The specialist came in today so they are hoping for some answers some time tomorrow. Thank you all for your prayers.

Would like to post more to others here but it has been a long day. Up at 6:30 am for no reason at all then worked 4 til midnite so im wiped out. Going to curl up on the living room floor for hopefully a good nites rest.

Sweet dreams,

Lynn

                Carol? You and the mister ok???

[mikesmum]

Carol - Goes without saying our thoughts, prayers and energies to you and Ralph as you face this together.   May your experience with Mike give you the strength to ask the questions, get the answers and find the best possible treatments for the optimum outcome......Love to you both - Trudi

[ericasmom]

I stood in Eri's left to us footsteps in the yard just now, under a mango colored sunrise, and prayed to she and all of our angels and to God, to smile on your home Carol, smile on you all.

Peace

dee

[Guest]

Carol - No words.  Just love and light.

Kathy - Sorry for my rant last night.  Ignore me.  You do what you have to do for your own survival.

Cassandra - I'm fairly new here, myself.  I don't always feel "connected" to everyone on this site.  But, we all share a horrible bond, and I need everyone here.  So, I continue to pour my heart out.  I'm not shy.    I've finally realized I don't need others approval to be here...what I need is to keep reading and sharing for my own survival.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigos,  my Aunt sent me this link. I found it interesting.

 

Carol, (((((((hugs))))))))). You are both in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

 

Carol I am so very sorry for Ralph's  difficult diagnosis. What a beautiful poem you have written in describing your life together.  My prayers are with you .

 

Cassandra  So glad you are here  I found I could post my mind and heart here as no where else

 

Susannah and Kathy I understand what a difficult time you are both encountering  Prayers are with you

 

Lynn Thank you for the update on Jennifer  She is also in my prayers.

 

Lorrie I am glad Kody is OK  Car does not look too badly damaged. 

 

Dee  and Trudie Thank you for the beautiful thoughts

Colleen  I agree I do love coming here

 

Betsy  What a beautiful video  Such Inspiration and Hope from a child  Thank you!!This child described what she was seeing about God and Heaven at 4 years old.  

 When Stephen was about 2 or 3 he would tell me all about how he "Remembered "Flying" around in Heaven" looking for   his "Mommy" on earth.  He found me and choose me.  It was so precious and a childs view but beautiful.  This little girl put her visions into paintings.   Thanks

Beth, MaryAnn, Claudia, Marcia, Kim, Rosie, Denance, Greg, Dan, and all Indigos please have a Blessed Day

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

 

.

[daniellemom]

Carol - My prayers are with you and Ralph. You are such a strong women, please don't try to carry the world on your shoulders, tell your children what's going on, I'm sure they will help carry the burden until all test are completed. Good advise, but I do understand that's it's easier to say than do. We always try to protect the people we love.

Kathy - Sorry BJ left rehab my prayers are with you and him.

Sorry I've been away for some time. Mattie is keeping me pretty busy. But I do try to read every couple of day. I was not able to stop smoking but I'm going to try again. I saw Mattie's wish list and it said she wished Mama would never smoke again. James went on a mission trip to Lousiana "The Big Easy" as he calls it. Had a great time and help rebuild a church and did some landscaping for some of the members homes.

Betty - You really inspire me with your words!

Trudi - Glad you are back!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[cassandra]

Good morning everyone.

Carol...I too am saddened to read of your husband's illness. I'm certainly thinking and praying for you both.

And thanks to every one of you for being so kind and understanding. It is a tremendous help.  I feel so much better after what was probably the first real night of decent sleep in three months. Woke up this morning to a sunny sky... but boy is it ever cold again! Crazy the way the temp keeps fluctuating. Off to the city again in a few minutes to see my mother-in-law. I decided to call her daughter today and get fairly firm with her about helping out ...if only in some small way. I should have gone into the business of care giving.

I noticed that somebody mentioned Neil Young in their post the other day. He grew up in Winnipeg and attended the high school in the area where I lived. He was quite the wild guy at that time. Truth be told I never actually cared for his voice. It sounded painful to me. But he certainly has a very loyal following and has made quite a name for himself.  Jeff was a huge U2 fan and saw them perform  live on eight different occasions. When our older son moved to Dublin... Jeff was in awe that James may run into Bono at some point. And he did actually. At the race track. He bumped into James as he was walking through a crowded room. Just said he was sorry and kept on going. Jeff was beside himself when he heard about that one. So, we actually had their music playing a lot of the time ...as well as Coldplay. I have quite a collection of autographs and pictures, etc. that he collected over the years. Sports celebrities and the like. Don't know what the heck to do with them all. The one thing I did do is put his guitar into the trunk of his car. I can't bring myself to look at it every day. An all too familiar sight seeing him sitting on the edge of his bed and playing. One of these days I will give it to one of his friends.

 

Hope everyone has a lovely day. And Carol...my thoughts are with you both.

 

Cassandra

[ericasmom]

Cassandra, I am the one that LOVES Neil as do a few others, but I knew he was raised in Canada and loves the prairie. I also love U2 and Coldplay and Snow Patrol, also from Ireland. Is James still in Ireland? I am glad that you called the sis-in-law, she needs to realize that doing this duty so close to the loss of JEff is a bit ridiculous no matter the proximity.

As far as your question last night...is it normal? YES everything that we find ourselves doing has become normal because we were thrown into a brand new world, naked and left with no tools but our broken hearts and our brains that feel as though those too, were robbed. You will cry one day, you will feel all of the events one day, and it will be very hard to deal with. Now the shock is starting to ware away and in increments it will continue to do so. I remember thinking one day, oh what is this that I am feeling? I felt raw, splayed open, right around 3 months after Eri was killed, and it then occured to me that it was a layer of shock that had shed itself leaving me unprotected to the elements of life.

People saying stupid things? We could an should write a book about that. Maybe we can title it: OH NO YOU DIDN"T JUST SAY THAT!

We have all been subjected to the craziest thoughts and ideas from our friends and family. At some point you will choose to either address these folks or not, but you may find yourself harboring too many negative thoughts if you do not. I find it important to speak when I feel it rather than hold it in. I found I needed to go to therapy and so at the 5 or 6 month mark of ERi's leaving, I started therapy and I started being here too. So between these, and my daily walks and communion with the outdoors, and my dear friends and sisters, husband, Son, and my sense of ERica, I am here marching through the days letting you an all new to this that life one day will find a new balance. It will take time, it will take backstepping, it will take tears galore, and it will take LOVE. Ours, yours, and always Jeff's. Be kind to yourself, be very kind, as Jeff would have you do. I have always felt as you stated, I live my life as best I can and honor Eri in each day. I speak her name and if folks don't feel comfy with that, it is not my problem, it is theirs.

Lvoe and hope,

dee

[arc4ever]

Okay, lost my post! I hate that!

Just a welcome to Cassandra and love and support. When you are ready, tell us more about your Jeff, he sounds like a wonderful man.

My son (and only child) Adam died March 25, 2008 as a result of an automobile accident, he was driving to school and hit a dump truck head on. Thursday will be two years. Hard to believe, almost beyond my comprehension.

Anyway, welcome Cassandra and please know these are the best people in the world, they will love you and accept you and listen to you know matter what. And more importantly, they will love your Jeff. And yes, people are stupid, they will say and so incredibly stupid things. My thoughts: Forgive them Lord for they know not that they are stupid.

Here is a photo of Adam taken when he was 14. He always makes me smile.

Love to all, Terrie (Adam's mom)

[shorty16]

I have one for the "OH NO YOU JUST DIDN'T SAY THAT" book.

I was at church and it was July 2009 (1 year after Brian's death).  A church worker said to me"So, when did the pain stop?"

I replied "I don't know, it hasn't stopped yet?"

I was floored.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[dannysmomma]

Hi everyone:)I've been thinking of everyone here,those who've been awhile and those who are new here and wanted to stop by and say hey.The 28th will be Danny's 1 year Angel Day and we're holding up ,it's been a rough year but we're surviving.Been keeping myself busy with the house,and yes Dee taking care of my mind & soul as well♥Kids are back to being kids which is a blessing to see they need that.Jonny enlisted in the Navy,he goes for his MEPS tonight and tomorrow.He originally processed as a police officer but they denied him based on his "emotional baggage"related to the loss of his sibling.I can understand this concern based on the type of job but still "emotional baggage"?This is his brother not a pet hamster yanno?My grand baby Chloe just turned a year old & my Olivia who's now almost 2 1/2 is living up to the "terrible 2's reputation rather well so I don't get on the computer as often as I like but she's a cutie so that's her saving grace...lol..Anyways I've been reading here and there..Carol:Many P&Pt's  for your Ralph & for the family{{hugs}}..As always I hope you are all finding a little bit of peace & happiness in your lives ,our hearts are the treasure boxes of our memories,...ok my lil one is demanding my attention so I must run ..The link is to  Danny's Angel Day video I made and I wanted to share..much love to you all♥Lyn