Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Deep love Carol, let us know when you get home how this day has been.

dee

[lolynbo]

DEBBIE SO SORRY ABOUT SAMMY....HE WAS NOT ALONE BELEIVE ME, I WAS THERE WHEN MY DAUGHTER KOURTNEY DIED...(READ MY PROFILE)  NO ONE DIES ALONE...HE WAS SURROUNDED BY LOVED ONES AND JESUS...I KNOW IT HURTS AND IT SUCKS TO BE HERE..AND SO FAR FOR ME IT DONT GET ANY SOFTER (ALMOST 2 YRS IN JUNE 17) BUT THESE GIRLS AND GUYS SURE DO HELP ME THROUGH SOME DARK ASSSSSS DAYS...THINKING OF YOU AND SWEET SAMMY..

[Guest]

Hi Indigo's,

I'm doing a lot of pondering these days.  I don't know why I have this need to understand or figure out the how's and why's.  What I've discovered is it is not for me to know.  Not yet.

A sad peace has wrapped itself around me.  There are even moments of joy.  Mostly I am incredibly grateful.  Dee's words that she wrote the night Mike died about all the stars aligning and bringing us to this moment in time struck truth in me. 

I came to all of you almost five months ago.  Stephanie left the physical plain less than 8 months ago.  I came here yelling, demanding answers from my Creator.  I came here in an anquish I did not know existed before the death of my daughter. 

My question now is where did my questions go?  Where did this peace come from?  Is it an honest peace or is it evidence of denial? 

I speak of this "new" journey and realize it is not new.  It is the same journey I embarked on with my first breath of life.  All the stars aligned to bring me to this moment.  And, they will keep aligning to bring me to the next. 

The difficulty arises when I accuse the "stars" of making a mistake.  My inner conflict comes when I demand things be different than what they are. 

Do the next right thing.  Whatever the next right thing is.  Sometimes the next right thing is to fight for the rights of others.  Sometimes it is to sit quietly in my grieving chair and feel the life around me.  Sometimes it is to allow the tears to flow freely over things I do not understand. 

The power of birth and the power of death.  All of it is life.  Unchanging.  Breath in.  Breath out.  Inspite my best efforts to will the flow of air to stop at once. 

I am convinced my daughter still lives.  Her body died.  She did not.  We have had too many manifestations for me to believe otherwise.  I cannot touch her, feel her or hear her (all the time.  I do hear her sometimes)...but, she can touch, feel and hear me.

I'm done.

Love you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom  Oh...food for thought..okay, so I'm not quite done...

It occurs to me that we are all similar to those sticky fly traps that hangs from the ceiling.  We attract back to us what we send out.  "What we resist, persists"  Not sure if Buddha said it or if it comes from the TAO.

[ericasmom]

I do believe that the stars aligned to bring us to this moment, each moment, and that we can only listen carefully to the voices, the inner voices and those magical ones that surround us, to move forward into the next right place. To do the next right thing is to live in the light of our Babies. And the next right thing changes with the ticking clock, so follow those instincts. Worrying where the questions are will serve to spend energy when in fact, let this moment without questions lead you, the questioning time may or may not come again, let it be. Sing or listen to : Here Comes the Sun, and go outside and talk to the sky.

BTW if you have never listened to Hot House Flowers, an Irish alternative band with a strong spiritual sensibility, do, they are very uplifting and special.

We are here because we are supposed to be and somehow, we have to find our direction. Face the wind and trust.

[ericasmom]

Thought the words from the Hot House Flowers might help our direction;

::Stand Beside Me:: He has been living through the pages of our time

Known as a true man

Pure and sublime

Comes from the earth

And out of the skies

From the four corners of the compass

And into our lives

He is followed

He who is true

To what there is to be believed in

To the spirit of you

Comes from the day

And out of the night

It's in all things natural

It's in all things right

Oh

Sometimes it's just not that easy

Oh

Sometimes I go to call you, call you

Stand beside me God

Stand beside me

Stand before me

And behind me

So I can follow in love

And it all sails so smoothly with a prayer at each hand

We all carry our stones, our good books

On the Holy ground, we stand

True to the day, true to the night

It's got to be natural, it's got to be right

Oh

Sometimes it's still not that easy

No

Sometimes I'm not the man I think I am

Feel I am

Hope I am

Know I am

Stand beside me

Stand beside me

Stand before me

And behind me

So I can be true, so I can be true to my word

Stand beside me

Stand beside me

Stand before me

Stand beside me

[ericasmom]

And one of my favorites-

::Thing Of Beauty:: Look out your window on a winter's morning

Your breath is steam and there's frost falling

And the sun casts a spell upon the road

A thing of beauty is not a thing to ignore

Great song of beauty

Stand by the river on a moonlight evening

Lovers are loving and grievers are grieving

And the water does a dance upon the stones

I sit and listen, I will not ignore

A thing of beauty is not to be ignored

Can't you see (can't you see)

Ithe secrets of the dawn? (thing of beauty)

Can't you feel (can't you feel)

Can't you feel it in the place that you come from? (thing of beauty)

Face up to morning

Face up to day

Face up to reality

And face up to your ways

There is so much to breathe, see, know, understand and do

And I believe in things of beauty

Do you, do you?

Can't you see

Can't you see it in the secrets of the night? (thing of beauty)

Can't you feel

Can't you feel it in the wonder of a birds first flight? (thing of beauty)

Can't you see, can't you see it

See it in the gentle falling of the snow?

Can't you feel, can't you feel

Like a mother feels when she knows her child has grown?

Come to conclusions

I believe we all do

To look around us and the taste of the fruit

Set free your morals

It should be written on every door

A thing of beauty is not a thing to ignore

Can't you see (can't you see)

It in the magic when a boy meets a girl? (thing of beauty)

Can't you feel it, can't you feel it

In the wonders of the changes of the world? (thing of beauty)

Can't you see (can't you see)

It when right comes out of wrong? (thing of beauty)

Can't you feel (can't you feel)

It as it goes on and on? (thing of beauty)

Can't you see (can't you see)

It in what's left beneath the ground? (thing of beauty)

Can't you feel (can't you feel)

It in the mystery of sound? (of sound, thing of beauty)

Can't you see

Can't you see it in the glory of the sun? (thing of beauty)

Can't you feel, can't you feel it in the wonder of the one...

One

Can't you feel one and only?

One and only

Can't you feel it, can't you feel it, feel it

Thing of beauty

[ericasmom]

And my own thoughts put down recently and maybe already shared, if so, sorry, but the prevailing thoughts of the day led me back to this poem.

WIND

A long wind howling as another set of days

pass by as though they were seconds

and as though they were years both at one time.

How does one tell the difference when the wind keeps howling

echoing off the memories that furnish cavernous

hallways inside one’s spirit?

And the wind howls,

once my nemesis,

frightening me back inside.

Hanging out these days, me and the howling wind,

partners throughout the seasons-

joined.

She is my friend now,

Now I join her

and howl.

[lolynbo]

WANTED TO SHOW THE BOY TO ALL HIS VIRTUAL MOMS...RACE READY READY TO GO...SEE HIS NEW SEAT AND HOW SAFE HE IS...NOTICE KOURTNEY ON THE SIDE..WATCHING HIM...

[ericasmom]

Thanks Lorri, love that the Boy is caged in and working the safety thing well. What a dolly.

love,

dee

[shorty16]

Hello Indigos

So good so read Dee's words.  They jump off the page to me.

Susannah, I must respectfully disagree with you.  This is a new life for me.  I feel I died that terrible night in June 2008.  And out of the ashes came a new person.  I am not like I was before - Believe it or not, I like myself better now!  The awareness I have toward people, God, Family is so much larger than the pin-hole I was looking through before.

Lorri - So glad "the boy" is surounded by steel tubing to keep the pavement away.

BEAU-tiful day today in WI.  72 and sunny.  Tomorrow is suppose to be even better!!!!

Take care my fellow - Indigos

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mikesmum]

Debbie - The days and nights are never the same. Dates take on a new different meaing.  Life is never the same.  The ways we have come to be here on this site lead me to believe our children bought us here.

Its been just on 3yrs since I found BI.  I was averaging about 2hr sleep between time searching for a 'bandaid' to heal my broken bleeding heart.  In the wee small hours of April 4th 2007 I type 'losing an adult child'...the rest is history.

We are all at different times in this journey, yet in many ways we are in the same time in space.....lost without our children in a world of whys & whatifs.

I believe like Lorri that no one dies alone.  While the physical might be alone, the energy or spirit of those gone before are there.

If you are able to share Sammy's story (his life) it might go in someway to lighten your heart....to remember the many days of his life, not that one night.

The support, understanding here allows you to share, vent, express and just be.  To find a 'soft spot to land'...something others who haven't lost a child don't get....

Where in the UK are you?  This time last year we travelled there - the trip I was looking forward to in 07  ..... Mike died Jan 07.

Carol & Ralph, morning prayers as you head in for your PET scan...smile for the cameras (another radiography funny)

Lorri - Kourtney looking over his shoulder and the seat should keep him safe....one heck of a big boy you have there.

Dee - as always words yours and others that speak to the heart.  Love the imagery conjured on Michaels last night by your words..

Colleen - Nice to see Brians handsome face....great to hear the weather is warming up!

Betty - Yep Muttley the well trained (for food) puppy is really enjoying his training.  He gets ahead of himself if he smells the treats......

Cool day here, chance of rain.  Dinner with my baby bro tonight...another parent who knows the loss of a child....

Peace to all my indigo family this Easter....safe travels, dream filled sleep and better days....

[ericasmom]

THanks Col, and happy that the weather is cheering everyone in the midwest. It was sunny and actually hot today, now the wind has come adn the clouds, but really wonderfully rejuvinating.

I am in my HOT HOUSE FLOWER mode today so am posting a u-tube of one of the songs I earlier posted lyrics from, now the video seems to be a family showing their little girls with the music going along with the kids, so enjoy.

[ericasmom]

OH MY GOODNESS TRUDI< maybe you have said it before but my ears were not open, certainly my eyes were not as I never ever knew you first came to this place on April 4th, Eri's birthday. What a marvelous gift, Mike must have worked with my Angel to bring you, knowing how dear you would become in my ever grateful heart. I am so excited by reading this today, that you first came on April 4th, 2007. Selfish of me, but I know you get it.

Colleen, what a cool way to view your new self. I am proud of you Girly. See Deb, we all state our being, not offending anyone's ideas or manifestations. It's all good.

[mikesmum]

Greater forces than you and I will ever know bought me to this site....my heart takes comfort that a dark haired girl (Lucy) bought my Charlie Brown (Mike) to you here......

Eri's birthday - WOW!!! Like you something that didn't click till now......

It was so early in the morning....hadn't slept for weeks....almost months...then here...

So Blessed to be found....

[ericasmom]

I love Lucy and Charlie Brown, Good Grief is what I went as the first Halloween after Eri died. I bought the Charlie shirt, big yellow orange, with a black zigzag, and I carried a bag of rocks just like Charlie did, I cut too many holes in my sheet and slipped that over my head too. Yep the two of them could definitely be in the Peanuts Gang.

[summergirl]

Hello dear Indigo's - so many beautiful words being said it takes my breath away, I have nothing to add, do not need to, it has been said.

Carol, my sweet friend, I pray, pray hard for all to be well...I can HEAR the anxiety in your voice as I read your words and I just want to hold your hand and sit with you, tell you all will be ok -- I am with you virtually as all here are...please keep us updated as much as possible....always in my thoughts, forever in my heart.

Susannah - "God Bless the stupid people for they know not that they are stupid" - I think I might just have to say that....no worried, I am the only smoker left in the family (another thing that makes me the bad one, however my mother-in-law does not know that her daughter sneaks smokes from me) so I will say those words each time I have to go outside and have my smoke.       I am going to throw something out there and all can take it as they want....I think that having Tavain (and Susannah your grandchildren) helped me to "move forward" on this journey, having Jessica's 4 year old son depending on me and Barry gave us that extra something that enabled us to rejoin the living at a time when alot of you were not able to...I do not know if what I am saying makes sense, I just know that had it not been for Tavian I can not say that I would be living as I am, I do not think I would be able to do, say, see the things I do, I am not saying my grieving is less than anyone else, the pain lives inside of me every day, the tears flow like a torrential rain at times, I am brought to me knees by a memory, a song, a look at a pair of her shoes that she loved, popcorn and coloring.....but with Tavian I get to talk about Jess and laugh and smile as he tells me a memory, I get to talk about things to him when he is afraid he has forgotten, I get to look at him and see my Jessica.  The other thing that has brought me so much peace, love and a family I have never know is finding my way here, in June of 2007 I believe, I am and always will be blessed to have all of you to guide me in ways that no one else can.

Lorrie - he is just to damn cute !!!!!!

Dee - thank yoy, thank you....you write so beautifully.....

Debbie - I am so sorry that you have had to find your way here but as I always say to a new comer "welcome to the place where you can be who you are, say what you want, cry, scream, get angry, be sad, ask lots of questions....take your time as you will come to know us in time, what is important is that you are here and we are here for you. I am so sorry about your Sam, it is the worst that can happen to a parent, to lose a child is to lose your life and struggle to find the new one. I now say "this is life after Jessica"......my beautiful daughter Jessica died at the age of 26 from ARVD on Feb. 18, 2006....I am still not able to believe that it has been just over 4 years that I have lived without her.......I too, like you, was sleeping in my bed, Tavian asleep in his room we had  for him when he stayed over. I was woke up by the sound of my husbands radio going off (he is a volunteer fire fighter) and heard the call for the ambulance for a young woman unconcious at Fiddler's Cove ( a resturant) never knowing that it was my Jessica....I went back to sleep......for a long time I was so guilty....how could I not know it was my Jessica, how was I sleeping so peaceful as she died....It is a long, never ending journey that we are on but I can say that it does get softer with time, you will find the day when you will smile at a memory, laughing will become an ok thing again.....it is time, sweet painful time....stay with us and I hope you are able to share more of your wonderful Sam when you can.

Beautiful out today, worked in Jessica's garden after work....the fish pond is looking so much better....

Need to go check out a few things on the web so I will say goodnight....peace and love my friends. Kathy

[summergirl]

Still love to post this pic of my girl...how I miss you sweetie.....

[4everjoeysmom]

Dee, Thanks for the "shout out". I was away visiting a family in Cuenca, Ecuador for a spectacular wedding celebration of a young lady who has over time become a spiritual daughter to me. It was such a sweet and special time, and I also had a lot of "calls to minister to hearts of people" during that time as well for various reasons. It was a time of blessing and more healing for me as much as for anyone else. Plus I was able to spend my last day of six there seeing some wonderful mountain ranges. It's been a good week. But go figure I would e somewhere with smoking fast internet and not have time to use it. I am back home now, and once again must fare with net going in and out, hard rains, ad the like. Oh well... Seasons come and go, as we all find here along our grief journey as well.

Carol, I read that the scan was today and look forward to your report. I am praying the news is not so far to the bad end. HUGS to you dear friend!

Colleen, I am experiencing a "better me" also these days, and that actually has brought much healing to my heart. Just being more "open", even though it creates its own set of vulnerabilities, has allowed me to grow into deeper relationships with people here that we minister to. As a result of relationship building over the past couple of years, I got to experience a very deep and personal role in a beautiful wedding, and in that somehow I found peace and comfort in realizing that I wouldn't experience Joey's wedding here in this life, but there will be many other weddings to share. It's not the same, but it truly isn't any less special. I am growing softer in time, despite the hurts. It feels good... I'm so happy you have that, as it's a long way from where you were when you first started coming here. HUGS and blessings to the new living you are finding.

Debbie, Sammy's Mum, My heart aches for you and the loss you must endure. We all know it well. July 31st will be 4 years for me, and it;s been a tough journey. But a lot of healing has come in that time as well. I still experience "firsts" that find me catching my breath from time to time. I think there might always be that. But it isn't so devastating after a while. Sometimes I even smile through a first now, as I have found much peace in knowing without a breath of doubt that my connection with Joey remains and I will see him again some day. I'm glad you found BI. It has helped so many of us to find each other and have that much needed support that couldn't be found elsewhere.

To all of my BI family, you're always in my heart and prayers. Much love to you all!! xoxoxo ~Claudia/4EverJoeysMom

[mikesmomrs]

"Deep love Carol, let us know when you get home how this day has been."

Oh, Dee, the day has been almost surreal...we began by my reading my prayer book, just before we left, and there was a blue post-it, marking a page further into the book.  I turned to it out of curiosity (I generally mark things that strike me at the time I read them...)  when I opened to that page, my eyes fell on the page facing me... this prayer in my book: 

"...Because he himself was tested by what he suffered, he is able to help those who are being tested."  (Hebrews 2:10, 18)  "Heavenly Father...I pray that [you will] strengthen me and empower me with the Holy Spirit so I can be a beacon of love to others despite the tests I now face."

Realizing, of course, that "testing" has a double meaning here, but I read the prayer out loud to Ralph, and he was taken with it, because actually both meanings make sense.

When we were driving towards the hospital, I noticed that I was on the road through town, instead of around it, and wondered out loud "Why am I going this way?"  Ralph said, "Don't worry about it, just keep going, we're already here on this way."  Just as he was saying that, I noticed the traffic coming towards me had cleared, and I hooked a left down a street I never go down, to get myself over to the "around the town road."  As we came to a stop sign at the end of that street, there across the street,was a yellow punchbuggy (Ralph's "Mike" color punchbuggy) leaving the parking lot.  Had we gone the usual way, we never would have seen it.  Ralph smiled.

When we got to the hospital, the tech came out to get Ralph, and introduced himself.  "Hi, I'm Mike."  When they went into the trailer, the other tech came out and introduced himself:  "Hi, I'm Mike." 

During Ralph's scan, I was sitting in the cafe at the front of the hospital, and just after the tech brought Ralph back out and settled into the chair opposite me just in time to see a yellow punchbuggy drive by.    We went for lunch, and on the way home, we crossed the path of a red punchbuggy...So, the "calming" influences were all around us, with signs of "Mike" everywhere, and Ralph was at ease. 

Do those "signs" mean that Ralph is going to be okay and we've nothing to worry about?  No, I don't necessarily believe that, but I do believe that they were true indicators that our dear son was present with us all morning, sending us signs to let us know---sending us love to comfort and calm us, especially his dad. 

Ralph said that he has never had so caring a person to assist him with any of these tests..."It seemed as though he really cared, and was just so nice about everything." 

I am so glad that he was taken good care of...so glad and thankful that he felt relaxed and was able to get through this scan...he was really worried about it, and afraid that he wouldn't be able to do it.  We came home and both took a nap...woke up three hours later! 

So, that's my surreal day...don't know if we will hear from the doctor tomorrow or not...almost hope he doesn't call til Monday (unless it's good news)...maybe it will be better to just put it all on hold til then...

While we were sitting there in the cafe at the hospital, Ralph told me that no matter what happens or doesn't happen tomorrow, he wants me to still go to the opening day game at Fenway on Sunday...I told him that I didn't think I could leave him alone if we get bad news tomorrow (and I don't)... and he said "You have to go...you have to go." 

Dee:  The poems were beautiful...those written by others as well as the one written by yourself...you say the words that are buried in our hearts. 

Susannah:  I agree with Colleen...this has changed us, changed our lives, changed the way we live our lives, and in many ways, we are better...we listen better, we care more, we understand deeper...whether we did that before or not, we do it even better now.  I just wish it were another means that led us to those changes.

Lorri:  Nice to see Kody safely fastened in his car...and Kourt riding right outside his window. 

I may take a cue from Kathy, (and, by the way, Kathy---we never tire of seeing Jess's beautiful smile) and work in the yard tomorrow...spruce up Mike's garden space and put down the couple of things I picked up over the winter... a stone that has "Faith" engraved on it, and a small ceramic angel.  Maybe twist some forsythia branches on the birch tree cross (a tribute from his boys at Mike's services) that hangs at the back of the garden...this beautiful weather is supposed to go right through the weekend, into next week.  I know all of you may not be having it, but I hope it spreads itself everywhere over the next couple of days.  The endless rain has been horrific...my daughter, Cathi, walked into her bedroom the other night and heard a noise in the room...4 of them in fact.  She looked over and saw "drip, drip, drip and drip...four places where water was dripping through her ceiling.  Think of the Bailey's house in "It's a Wonderful Life," and you can picture her house....filled with love, but full of holes and things that need fixing!  :?

I hope you all have a wonderful day tomorrow and feel warm sun falling on your face...thank all of my dear Indigo friends so much for keeping us in your thoughts. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Carol, I especially love the verse from the prayer book already marked from another time in your journey, and love that both meanings are appropriate. Messages found on the wing of an angel. Mike was most certainly with you guys as you shared the morning drive and witnessed many signals from your Smiling Mike. Two Mikes/no waiting...as they came to assist Ralph. And Ralph's experience with the Mikes, how lovely. In the hands of angels. The day was filled with strength for your journey, and with signs of Your Boy around each bend. What a Guy. And I agree with Ralph, no matter what, the opening day stands, it is the other Gigantic Gift that Mike left you. Thanks for bringing us up to speed. Sleep deeply and long, reinvigorate that mind/body. Our prayers continue.

Kath, so glad that the weather is fine where you are too, finally the east coast gets sunshine and warmer temps. It was 81 today, 30 degrees over our usual. Wow. Enjoy working in JEss' garden, and post a photo of it when you can. I love the photo you did post tonight, we will never be tired of seeing Jess so pretty.

Claudia, I feel good knowing that you are not only well, but enjoying the times you are living. How wonderful. The wedding sounds like balm to your spirit, and the work that you are doing is filling your hours but also your heart. May this Holy Week find deep peace in your soul.

Sleep and dream well,

with love,

dee

[mikesmum]

[user=15807]mikesmomrs[/user] wrote:

 my eyes fell on the page facing me... this prayer in my book: 

"...Because he himself was tested by what he suffered, he is able to help those who are being tested."  (Hebrews 2:10, 18)  "Heavenly Father...I pray that [you will] strengthen me and empower me with the Holy Spirit so I can be a beacon of love to others despite the tests I now face."

When we got to the hospital, the tech came out to get Ralph, and introduced himself.  "Hi, I'm Mike."  When they went into the trailer, the other tech came out and introduced himself:  "Hi, I'm Mike." 

Carol - You know I'm with the 'signs program' big time.  The verse was for the strength you both needed to endure the PET procedure.  The punch buggies letting you know your weren't travelling alone.

Nearly pee'd my pants when you spoke of the two techs.  Just me, but I had a visual of your Mike and mine in lab coats smiling at Ralph!   Never in better hands.

The 3hr nanna nap, yep get that after one of those psych evaluations...the mental exhaustion just takes over..

Hope the Easter Bunny finds you - prayers over the days of Easter are answered and the grandies bring you much laughter....Thoughts always

Colleen - I am with you both on the changes in me since Mike died.  I was content with who I had become in my 51st year.  My family, my job, the prospect of being a wife after many many years all positives.  The ability to be able to provide support and care for those in crisis seemed to be something I had a knack for.  When Mike died all those things were scattered and I still at times struggle to find 'me'.

I have developed a better understanding of human fragility and kindness.  I have learnt (thanks to Bonnie) to indulge in the 'Random Acts of Kindness' and am now seeking another path whereby my experience becomes a positive not a negative.

Peace mung beans out from the land down under.......off Summertime this weekend...winter is knocking

[Guest]

Good morning, Indigo's,

Carol - Mike is certainly letting you and Ralph know he's present in this latest of circumstances.

I went back and read what I wrote.  I can see how it could give the wrong message.  I was referring to my own experience.  My own pondering.  As with alll humans, I have had many life changing experiences in my life.  Some lessons much more difficult and painful than others.  None as painful as my daughter's death.  Each experience has brought me to a new place in my life.  Just as learning to write my name allowed me to pass on to first grade.  And, passing my driver's test (barely) allowed me to drive on the streets.  I once had perfect vision.  Now, I need bifocals.  They're the same eyes I was born with...just changed. 

I was so touched with Dee's words about the stars alligning to bring them to that moment in time.  I was pondering that my life has been like that.  I've yelled at my Creator so many times that He's made a mistake.  Never more loudly than when Stephanie died. 

Oh.  I'm not making sense again.  I guess I was just thinking that I am right where I'm supposed to be.  Me.  It was about me.  (Isn't it always? )  I was at a place of acceptance and peace, saying "Thy will be done"  looking at my life from a different perspective.  Each day of my life.  Each step.  Every success, every failure.  Every piece of bliss, every piece of pain has brought me to THIS point. 

When Stephanie first died, I found myself in a fast moving river trying to swim against the flow and get back to where I was the day before she died.  All that happened was I got beat up and almost drowned.  Today I find myself laying on my back and accepting the power of the river.

Hope that makes some sense.  I didn't mean to imply I am unchanged.

Dee - I love the poems. 

Kathy - love the picture of Jessica!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

 

Carol, Oh my what a day  The prayer for strength, the different road so as you saw Mike's car, and the kindness and compassion that you  and Ralph encountered all day was certainly a sign that Mike was close beside you.  I know how difficult that day was and pray that you rest and be very gentle with yourself these next few days.  Remember that Mike made sure you had tickets to opening day so please do not make any decision regarding using them yet.  Constant prayers are being sent.

 

Dee I really loved all the poems "The Wind" was my favorite and "Stand BY Me" inspiring.  Thank you for being here.  Take good care of yourself and Jon.

 

Colleen and Susannah, I understand the point you are both making and I do believe that the old me did die the day Stephen passed.  The new me is much more gentle, compassionate and non confrontational.  I do not know if that is because I DO NOT CARE about anything any more or I am changed.  I know I have no patience for unimportant stuff anymore and do need a great deal of alone time in order to maintain my sanity.

 

Trudi I agree we are all at different paces on this grief journey but have found a safe wonderful place in which to connect in a very special manner.  Hope the day with the Grandies is fun. 

 

Claudia I am so glad to see handsome Joey today.  Lorrie I agree loved the picture  Stephen's car had all the safety features as well -- so very important I really loved the Roll Bar.   

 

Betsy  and Mary Ann  Hope the bright sun and warm weather is touching your spirit and bringing sweet memories of your angels.

 

Sherry  I hope you are both enjoying your new home and Sonya I know that your sons visit is warming your heart

.

I am now an official "Foster Mom" to the ASPCA  That means I get baby kittens(without mommy) or Pups too young to be adopted .  I raise them until they can be adopted and then must let them go back to go to their "forever" home.

 

  I really do not know if I can do this  I will probably end up keeping all the babies and not be able to let them go.  We will see . I get 2 little black kittens this afternoon  They are brothers and need to be  kept safe and warm and fed with a bottle.  Wish me luck.

 

Bonnie, Marcia, Beth, Kathy, Kim, Denance, Rosie, Greg, Dan, Cassandra, Sue, Susan, and all Indigos have a Blessed Day

 

Betty

Stephen'smom 

[shorty16]

Susannah,

There is no such thing as wrong messages here.

You feel that way and that is great.  That is the beauty of this place.  It is OK if we have difference experiences.

No experience is wrong, they are just different.

It is ok for us to disagree and walk away even closer friends than we were before.

Please do not think your message was "wrong" it could never be wrong.

Colleen, Brians Mother Forever

 

[shorty16]

BI,

Here comes another Holiday where we will be asked "Want to take a family picture?"

To others, taking a family picture may be second nature.  To us who have lost, it is a miriad of feelings (for me, none of which are good).  I really do not like it.

We are going to brunch with my daughter's boyfriends parents (same as last year).  She loves family pictures.  Melted chocolate fountain, I am going to roll out of that place. 

I am wishing all my Indigo friends a happy Easter.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Indeed Colleen and Susannah, no wrong messages, only messages from our hearts, and our hearts are not wrong. We simply state our place in this world, along this path, differently. I see the many ways one views where they are, who they are. They really are not so different, some feel that the old person died, some feel that they are made new in their grief, and some feel that the world they knew died the day their Child left here. What it all seems to point to in my mind/spirit is we find our way into a different day and while we are made different by the experience and by the choices we make in finding light again, some of us feel we have become brand new, some of us feel we are our old core with additions. Some of us have less patience for things while others find their hearts hold more. I love that there will always be room for the myriad of difference here, that is why we find such comfort.

This place is a room full of brightly colored pillows,

satins, and silks, and dried in the sun cottons.

Each with its own sheen,

its own design, and beauty,

its own special stitching and filling.

I come here and wade in the combination

of truth and ache and memory.

It is the best room of my house.

Betty, I see you as a Grandmom to these wonderful kitties and pups. Oh my heart danced when I read your news. How wonderful for these little orphaned creatures, and how wonderful for your soul. Stephen is grinning, I know he must be grinning. Glad that you liked WIND. Did you listen to the music from the HOT HOUSE FLOWERS link, it is very uplifting. Like you.

dee

[Guest]

A new sadness has wrapped itself around me.  Perhaps because Easter is here.  Perhaps it's because this is Stephanie's birthday month. 

Tears lurk just under the surface.

I told a friend yesterday I was sad but couldn't put my finger on exactly why.  I told her I miss my daughter.  She told me I had to switch my focus from Stephanie to the children I still have.  She is a very intelligent classy lady and I know she means well.  I didn't argue with her, except to say I wish it was that easy.

Last year we had a good Easter.  Our first since getting the kids.  Stephanie was in recovery.  I spent too much money on the kids.  Last year I was also working through what the kids had been through.  I became an investigator, detective.  I became a pain in the real detective's neck! 

This year, I've bought their easter baskets and candy.  I still haven't bought their new shoes, although they do have new Easter clothes.  Gary just went to the store for me to buy a ham and fixings for Easter dinner. 

Like Kathy, if it weren't for the kids I might not have ever gotten out of bed.  Today I feel as if I could go back there and stay until May. 

It's a physical reaction....grief.  My whole being responds to the loss of Stephanie.  It is fruitless to try to understand the process when I am in its grip.  I cannot articulate it when I am in the center of it. 

The pain is different.  My body feels numb.  Weightless.  or maybe heavy.  It feels foreign to me. 

I am comfortable in my grieving chair.  I may sleep here and wait for "this too shall pass". 

Thanks for listening.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

TO ALL ,Y INDIGO FAMILY:

IM HAVING MONTY MAKE A STICKER FOR KODYS RACE CAR IT IS TO SAY "RACER PROTECTED BY BI ANGELS"...IM SURE MONTY WILL MAKE IT VERY SPECIAL..AND BLOW ME AWAY WITH IT..CANT WAIT TO POST IT AND PUT IT ON KODYS CAR..

I WENT TO CEMETARY YEST (AS I ALWAYS DO 2 OR MORE XS A DAY)...MET A LADY HER HUBBY JUST DIED, HE WAS 28..SHE IS 30..HE IS BURIED 20 FT FROM KOURTNEY..SHE CAME WALKN UP TO ME ARMS OPEN AND SAYN DOES IT EVER GET BETTER???? WE CRIED AND TALKED FOR OVER A HOUR...HER HUBBY GOT MIXED UP IN BAD DRUGS (IS THERE ANY GOOD ONES) AND OD..AT A GIRLS HOUSE...(THESE 2 WERE SEPERATED AND HE WAS SEEING THIS CRACKHEAD)...ANYWAYS CRACK HEAD COMES OUT AND PUTS HER PIC AND LOVE LETTERS ON HIS GRAVE..SO THE WIFE CAN SEE THEM AND FIND THEM....SO I TOLD HER I COME EVERYDAY I WILL GATHER THEM AND YO WILL NEVER HAVE TO BE BOTHERED WITH THEM AGAIN...SHE ALSO THINKS THIS GIRL AND HER BROTHER TOOK KOURTNEYS THINGS....SO MY FRIEND THE COP DRIVE BY THEIR HOUSE BUT DIDNT FIND ANYTHING.....

SO W ARE FILLING A REPORT SUNDAY WITH A REWARD SO MAYBE WE WILL GET SOME ACTION...IM WOUND (SP) UP ON THIS , LIKE I WAS THE DOG POOP...SO GAME ON...

ANYWAYS I HAVE A NEW FRIEND HER NAME IS SALLIE...SHE IS SO ALONE I DONT NO HOW TO HELP HER BUT IM TRYING...ALSO SHE WAS OVERWHELMD AT JUST GETTN HIS GRAVE CLEANED UP SO MONTY AND I DID IT FOR HER...SHE WAS SO GRATEFUL..POOR GIRL...

ALL DONT FORGET TO BLESS AND BE BLESSED TODAY...THATS WHY WE ARE HERE..

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  Your poem is so beautiful and descriptive, and so very appropriate as a description for this wonderful gathering of people here on BI.  Thank you for sharing your gift with us. 

Susannah:  I am so sorry that the deeper sorrow of grief is gripping your heart once again...it is understandable, though, what with all that was going on this time last year, and this year it is so very different for you.   My husband read this to me this morning:

"Do not cheat thy heart and tell her,

"Grief will pass away;  Hope for fairer times in the future, and forget today."  Tell her, if you will, that sorrow need not come in vain; Tell her that the lesson taught her Far outweighs the pain."      Adelaide Ann Proctor     We are all so familiar with those lessons...I wish so very much we were totally ignorant.   Sus, climb into your grieving chair, wallow in its comfort, let your mind flow through the sweetest memories that you have, draw on them for strength, love and sweet comfort---let them wrap themselves around your heart.  Sending love and strength to you. 

We here all know that "Grief will not pass away" but we also know that we travel through it on different paths at different times, and sometimes we circle back and go round again...find comfort in your grieving chair, Sus, let it envelope you with healing, love and memories that bring peace to your heart. 

Betty:  It is so great that you are fostering animals...what a wonderful connection to your beautiful Stephen...he is smiling at you, his heart full.  And oh yes, it is difficult to give them up---my daughter Cathi fosters animals and she is such a softie.  Just a pair of precious eyes surrounded with soft, new fur, and she's a goner...

Trudi:  I can relate to your visual and the humor it invoked...our two Mike's in lab coats...yes, indeed!

Lorri:  We posted at the same time...you were meant to meet this person...she is in such pain and you truly understand that, as we all do.  It was so kind of you and Monty to reach out and help her.

Speaking of humor...where would we be without it...someone sent this to Ralph...Ralph who has said the main thing he dreads about anything that might lead him to surgery is the need for anesthesia and all it entails...this video made him laugh...

It is a beautiful day here today...we are going to "blitz" an hour or so of housework to get ready for Sunday, and then going out to enjoy the weather...I am going to set the timer so we don't go over that hour!!!

love and peace, and a beautiful Friday to all...

carol mikesmomrs

[Guest]

Thanks Carol!  Bless you for taking time out of your own difficulty to bring comfort to me!

My best friend called and I burst into tears and she came over and just sat as I talked and cried.  I feel better.  A new learning experience.  I have said before that crying seemed to be a waste of time because nothing changes.  However, this morning I realize that physically, I don't feel as heavy as I did before the tears fell.  I'm thoroughly exhausted and drained, but it's different.

Does my play by play experience of my grief experience get on your nerves?  It's the only way I know how to process my feelings. 

Nap time.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Sorry guys, I am spring cleaning, looking at the old written things, and writing anew. This is old.

This is a story called, Gathering to Set Her Free.

      We pulled up in my Mitsubishi Gallant, I would have liked to have cleaned it, but that would have required more energy than I was willing or able to muster in that particular direction. And so I drove my dirty dark green car and beside me, my dear Son, Jonathan, and in the back seat, my dear ex-husband, Michael.

          We pulled in the church lot, but we wanted no part of getting out of the car, no part of entering the old beautiful church where my Jonathan and my now lost daughter, attended Sunday school so many years ago. It was/is the oldest working church in Oak Park, over one hundred years standing. While that could have been enough to attract me as a mom many years ago, when looking for a church, what lay inside kept us there for many years. Inside this old stone and wooden structure was a community of people who believed that God was in the goodness we showed. Pilgrim Church was devoted to the act of out-reach, creating community ties that still exist today, twenty years later, and certainly were in place long before we became members. That was when Jon and my long lost girl were young, when entering this church was under such different circ**stances.

         The parking lot was filling up, my husband, John, was waiting for us, and Susannah and her Mom, Carol were handing pink and white roses, (or were they carnations), wrapped with pink satin, to each person entering. Jonathan’s knees buckled a bit as we climbed those stone steps, his ache so filled every ounce of his being. Oh to flee, I thought, to turn and run away, never to do this. To shield him and us from this sadness…all impossible fantasies now.

          I turned to look at the parking lot from this top step, remembering other times. On many winter Sundays, Jon and his little sister, Erica, ran down these steps after church, grabbed their snow gear, (snow pants, hats, extra socks and boots and the sleds), from the trunk of our car and waited for me to help them cross the busy avenue. Right across the street from the church was one of their favorite hills for sledding; Church Hill. They spent hours each winter and I delighted in their antics, bundled against the cold and warmed by the simple joy of playing outside. These were wondrous days, and I knew it then and am grateful..

        On this top step, I stood frozen hoping that the fear that was climbing through me could just seize me, take me, make it so I did not have to go through the door

   From this view, I realized the parking lot was full, there were cars up and down the curb along the street, and there were old friends and relatives walking toward the church having parked a distance away. They were all coming here to say goodbye. This was surreal, nothing in the world could possibly have prepared us for this event. I knew all the sad faces, and I hated that they were in the pain they were. I remember saying that I was sorry, so sorry that they had to feel this hurt.

My tears were falling, rolling down my face and into my hair, dripping off my chin and dampening my shirt. My fuscia shirt to match my pink skirt. (She loved that skirt) Almost everyone that filed into Pilgrim Church that sad day, July 18, 2003, wore some form of pink. They came to say goodbye to the girl who loved pink, and wore it as often as she could, and together we found ways in which to set her free.

[size=Reverend Jeannie stood at the pulpit and in her kind and generous way offered the standing-room-only crowd, her belief that Eri was there with us and that as we went along we would feel her presence in our lives. I remember the sounds of crying all around me, at times blocking out Jeannie’s voice. I struggled to hear, to hang onto the words that I would need to repeat for a long while, in my head.

     I looked up at the casket and thought about the Christmas Pageants my kids were in. Right there where the Reverend was and across the rise, where the casket was, was where Eri and Jon stood so many years ago during the Christmas Plays. Some years Eri was a shepherd, Jon a wise man and a shepherd. Some years Erica was an angel. Now again…an angel.

      I felt a soul crushing agony…gathered in this beautiful place under such unbelievably sad circ**stances. I turned to look at the faces, tear-stained, and hearts broken and I knew that I had entered a place that I could never have really understood until now. I would never really live outside of this New World again. It would always be a part of me, just as being a Mom would always be a part of me. This loss lay within every cell of my body and I was made different by it.]

      John got up, went to the altar, and explained that he was going to read a poem that I had written just weeks before Erica died. I did not know he was going to do this, my surprise at hearing my words applied to this situation. He read it with tears in his throat and tears streaming down his face.

      Reverend Jeannie asked me to come to the altar and read the piece I had chosen for her to read. I was resistant to this but something in her voice, her calm and encouraging voice helped my feet find my way to her. John cradled my body until I found my footing. I read to the hundreds of people, The Garden, a book about the Zen belief of a tender life. Following the reading, several of Erica’s friends stood to sing a Bob Marley song, their hearts breaking as they serenaded their Buddy with a song she loved. As we left the church, a mile and a half of cars traveled to the cemetery where a gaping hole indicated Eri’s last place. We stood under the shade of three oak trees, and sang her one last song. The wind suddenly shook those trees and raised skirts, tangled hair. We all looked up and said, “ERICA:” She blessed us in our actions.

      These are the memories of the unmistakable tragic end of a good life and they sit beside the glistening memories over her nineteen years here. The grief sits beside the gold.

[daniellemom]

Dee - beautiful words about your beautiful daughter Eri in your heart and soul for ever. As I dry my eyes prayers are with you this weekend.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[Guest]

I second Sonya's sentiments, Dee.  Thank you for sharing!

[ericasmom]

I am overly wordy, and posting so much and so often, so I am grateful for your comments, I have left so little room for others the last few days. Pardon my excess. Old stories and poems have found their way through the topics we speak of here, mixed with music and lyrics from others, as i have wandered my hallways of memories during this week off. This week is jam packed with heart felt gifts and loss. I think that the quiet I have enjoyed  has allowed my writing voice to make its way through my fingers. I feel happy with that, like after crying I am lighter.

I should have edited that last piece, I just stuck it in from my folder of writing and some size and brackets showed up. Odd.

You are very dear, hope you don't mind more, as I just seem to be shedding some layer or something.

I rode my bike today before the wind became such a force. Wow. It remains sunny and 80 but very windy. We gardened some, John (husband) wheeling 6 or so wheelbarrows filled with that which we have raked adn pulled from the flower beds. The magnolia is ready to pop. While on my ride, there were many white star magnolias in bloom, so beautiful. Hang on blossoms as the rain is to come tonight causing a big cool down and more rain predicted by Monday. We need rain, but oh, the glorious weather I have been blessed to enjoy for this week at home. I am grateful/ thankful.

Loving you All,

dee

[lolynbo]

THINKING AND HUGGIN YOU DEE..THIS WEEK AND ALWAYS..

[ericasmom]

Hugging you right back Lor,

dee

[mikesmum]

Dee - My wordy, worldy wise friend....your heartache palpable in your words of Eri's farewell.  No apologies needed for expressing your heart and soul here....you lend words to those who might otherwise be mute by their experience.

Carol - Yes a timer that is what is needed to divide the day ?equally between housework and just being.   I loved the youtube video.  Funnily I am having a procedure on Tues.......waking up is hard to do!

Betty - Oh you will love those babies so well.  Hard part will be letting them go, but hey you will soon have more to care for.

Colleen - Yep incomplete family pics make the heart skip a beat.  Words like 'its nice to have all the family together' have my inner voice screaming...."BUT WE AREN'T ALL HERE'.   Hope you can enjoy the day with Aaron Michelle and Scott.  Maybe Brian will be hanging out near the chocolate fountain! 

Had dinner with my baby brother and his wife last night.  Ate way to much rich food.  We sat and talk till the early hours.  We touched briefly on memories of years ago.  He still wears the blue rubber band on his left wrist, the one we all put on the day of Mikes service.  Steven has one - I have my tattoo.  No words....we just know.

Mikes service was a blur.  A grab of faces, smiles & hugs.  In a sea of people I saw uniforms from my work, family I hadn't seen in years.  There were young adults I barely recognised.  Mikes friends from school who were fresh faced adolescence when we last met.  Now grown with family. 

Melissa and Steven wanted to be with their brother so we walked into the chapel where Mike was.  I remember thinking - his shoulders look cramped, this box doesn't fit.  I saw the 'beanie' is partner put on him and wanted to scream.  We pinned a Beyond Blue butterfly to it - be free. 

Months later I watched the service DVD given to us by the funeral home.  The celebrant talked, others spoke, Bill stood with me as we spoke of the boy.  Emily read from her letter to Mike. Lauren read words from Melissa, her heart too broken to speak.   Zak who was 5 walked to me as we stood at the pulpit.   I picked him up.  As he looked around the room his eyes fell on the now closed casket.."Granma is Mike in there" his voice clear on the DVD.....ahhh the innocence.

Susannah - the dark wrap of sadness seems to be part of this journey.  Some days it hangs in the corner allowing us to feel the sun and smile.  Other days without reason it wraps around us having us seek out the 'grieving chair'.  Hope resting will allow you to hand it back up and find the sun.

Trudi 

 

[hotrod]

Dee and Trudie

 

Thank you for sharing your poignant memories of the final service for Eri and Mike. 

You have spoken for those of us who cannot speak .  I too realized at one moment in the service that I was forever changed and did not know how to move forward.  I cannot recount the service or the powerful words or feelings expressed but I felt the tears and grief and beauty of both your words .Thank you for being  here

 

Carol, Dee and Trudie  Thank you for assuring me that I will be ok with my little furry foster babes.  

 

Susannah  Be gentle with yourself  I am sure you have worked so hard to have a perfect Easter for our Grandbabs.  Curl up and rest in your chair.

 

Dee warm gentle thoughts to you this weekend  

 

Betty

Stephen's mom:)

[summergirl]

Carol - wow, wrong road, punch buggies and two Mike's - our Angel's are something aren't they??????  So hoping you get to work in your garden and find a little peace this weekens and am praying for good news.

Dee - words I do not have, your writing brought me to tears. You can never say too much, I treasure every word I read here.

Betty - oh my - you are going to be such a wonderful mommy to those precious babies....bottle feeding those kittens, sure wish I could help.  Years ago when we visited my mom and dad on their farm baby pigs were born while we were there, I remember so well as Barry had to help my dad deliver a few. One was born a runt and the mother kept pushing it away knowing it was not strong enough to survive. I talked my dad into letting me try to save it.....so on my vacation I took care of that tiny piglet, bottle feeding every few hours and althoug it did not survive I will never forget the experience of trying so hard....I have never forgotten that tiny piglet     Good luck to you and see if you can post a pic or 2...

Lorrie - Bless you for helping that young woman, what an awful thing for her to lose her husband in such a way and then have to deal with the "crack girlfriend" leaving note etc.  I am so glad you were there for her and are helping her, no worries my friend you wil be a rock for her.

Susannah - a good cry is what we need my friend, the pressure builds so much and we keep it down, hiding it, refusing to let it out and then without warning the pressure becomes to much and the tears overflow....afterwards we are exhausted, drained yet refreshed from having let the pain and tears come.  Hoikdays are hard as are all days but some days just find us on the edge, hanging on by our finger nails. I am glad you had a friend to call and be with you.    You are not always "all about me" because that is my title and I do not share easily ----I receive so much from every one who posts and when I sometimes read my own I say "damn girl, all you do is make it about you" -  well, here is the place to be all about me whenever we want to so talk on......

Spent this beautiful day by myself...went and had my nails done, did East shopping for Tavain, few things for Barry. Came home and finished the stones on the pond except for the water fall...tackle that tomorrow.    Do not do alot of candy for Tavian for Easter....I get him a little bit but like to get other things....a gift card from Game Stop for a new video game, the new movie "the Chiipmonks Squeakual" and a new remote car. I do not like all that candy and he has much more fun with the toys and loves gift cards. I miss him and cannot wait for him to come home on Wednesday.

Went to the cemetery today, has been a while since I have been able to go. Bought some beautiful yellow tuplis. I stayed for a while reading the journal I have there for people to write in...so many, it brought laughter and tears to see the words written by her friends....the sun was shinning, it was peaceful and I felt my Jessica all around me....I miss her so.

Love to all of my wonderful BI friends, sleep well. Kathy

 

 

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  Your words...tears...heart-wrenching...you are so eloquent, even in such sorrow...as Trudi said, you speak for those who are sometimes not able to be anything but mute.  Thank you for sharing...you never take "too much room" or are overly wordy...your words are so full of meaning and feelings...

Kathy:  I didn't get to work in the yard today...we "escaped" and just drove around and enjoyed the sun...will work in the yard tomorrow for a bit. 

Just got back from Good Friday services...so moving and full of feeling...words are so thought provoking and the feelings just come...the songs are sad, but in a strange way comforting...I guess it's the comfort of the repetition of the services each year...  During the service, we were reminded of the ability to "place your problems and burdens at the foot of this cross," and I put some huge ones there...but it is so hard sometimes to completely let them go...I guess that's the human side of us. 

I hope everyone has a peace-filled evening...

love and peace,  Carol  mikesmomrs

[Guest]

Betty - You touched my heart when you said I created a perfect Easter for "our Grandbabs" .  It's those little things you do and say that make you such a precious soul.  Those fuzzy foster babies are lucky to have you too!

Dee - I agree with everyone else....Please keep sharing your words with us.  They are beautiful and heartbreaking and full of wisdom and compassion. 

Trudi - Your words, too, born of experience, pain and love bring hope to so many of us!  "The dark wrap of sadness".  Apropo.  Your description of Mike's service had me there, too. 

Standing beside Dee as she turned at the top of the church steps to see the sea of cars.....so bittersweet.  Trudi's little Zak confidently walking to Grandma, knowing she would receive him into her arms...."Granma is Mike in there".   sigh...

Kathy - You, too, reach out with your experience from the depths of pain and hope...

Each of you...Lorri reaching out to the widow at the cemetary. 

Carol - No different...in the midst of your own worries you share your heart with others. 

I found a burst of energy about 2:30.  I did my hair and even put on my makeup.  jasmine and I went to the mall.  The other two didn't want to come.  Jasmine was so excited to see the Easter Bunny.  He blew her a kiss while we waited in line.  She screamed with delight and blew one back and waved vigorously.  We hit several stores, grabbed a bite to eat and basically had a wonderful time...just the two of us, which rarely happens.

I returned to the mall with Mariah a few hours later to exchange the shoes I picked, but were too small.  We left an hour later with a new pair of shoes for her and a new pair of shoes for me.  

We are now settled in for the night, watching Sleepless in Seattle as a family.  The kids can hardly keep their eyes open...but, we'll let them stay up as long as they can stand it, so we can sleep in tomorrow.

I wish you all a good "Good Friday"!  Rest well.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Sus, cool that you visited the mall twice each time with a different Grandie. So what kind of shoes did you each get? That burst of energy probably came because of what you released both in tears and in talking with a friend. Like Kath said, the pressure builds, it has to come out. Has to.

Carol, so glad that your Friday Mass was filled with just what you needed, that is what church should provide, a chance to feel a part of something bigger enveloped by the spirit of faith and trust. Hey, did Ralph go see Clash of the Titans with the boys? Glad that you two went out for a drive today, out under the blue-skies.

Kathy, sounds like a peace filled day, a leisurely one. Boy do we need that sometimes. I have never had my nails done ever. I have stubby paperthin nails, and I don't wear gloves to garden which means they are even thinner and less cute now. Oh well, both my sisters have pretty hands and nails, pretty feet too. Mine are the kind that need to stay inside a shoe, not bother with showing the toes. No pedicures happening any time soon either. When I was little, I longed to be a ballerina, we were not well off to say the least, and no dance lessons were going to happen so I walked on the knuckles of my toes, barefoot, on the city sidewalks, deep in fantasy that I was a toe dancer. So i did this for many years. My feet are not pretty.

Trudi, I stood with you holding  your Grandson while he asked if Mike was in there. I saw the grace with which you managed the many faces and the tears. What a pretty woman you are.

Lorri, you took another person's ache and let her know what to do with it. You and MOnty gave someone hope today, hope of finding ways in which to breathe and live again. Is there any greater gift?

Sonya, thanks Sweetie. How was spring break? Did Mattie have hers and is James back at school?

Leah, Kaye, Patti, Pam, Avery's Dad, Greg, Dan, Mary Ann, Val, Lynn, Lyn, Sherri, Deneace, Rosie, ROhan's Mom, Amanda and so many more who we have not seen in some time, blessings in all you do.

[mysonrich]

I feel that somewhere down the road that this, is us.

 

 

Betsy,mysonRich

[mikesmum]

[user=27668]mysonrich[/user] wrote:

I feel that somewhere down the road that this, is us.

 

 

Betsy,mysonRich

Betsy - Might seem odd, but this is music for my memorial (no I'm still here).  The words....the building of the story it describes how I have lived and believed.

Blessed be to those who find comfort in this Easter Sunday as it breaks across the world.  

To those whose beliefs lay with the Bunny, may the chocolate barely touch your hips.

For Indigos everywhere...enjoy the memories of Easter gone by.

For me....Micheal Shane, chief egg hider.  Up earlier he would be the leader of the innocent in the search for their 'surprises' Easter Morning....

This from an album awhile back........

Takes me away......Happy Easter Micheal Shane.....First born, loved and loving boy.  May the egg hunt go on wherever you are......Love you my son my son...

[shorty16]

Good Morning Indigos,

I am watching the history of the 10 commandments on the History channel and their meaning to the Israelite, Puritons (sp) and now. - Very Interesting.

Dizzling outside and 15 degrees colder.  Pants and a light jacket today.

Scott and I went to Lowe's to look for a new fire pit last night.  Ours has lost its legs, literally.  Found some very nice ones.  Did not buy anything.

I am going to tackel a mosaic tile craft project.  Since we remodeled our home, our phone stand does not match.  But instead of buying a new one, I will "Fix-up" the old.  Wish me luck.

Thinking of all my fellow Indigos and our angels.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest]

What beautiful voices Westlife offers us!  I have never heard of them.  The words of the song spoke to my broken heart.

Betsy, I wish I knew how to download The Rose to Stephanie's memorial site.  One of my favorites.  Thanks for sharing it and reminding me!

Dee - I'm thinking of you as Eri's birthday approaches.

I love shoes!  I gave away several pairs when the kids came because I didn't have room for them anymore.  I still have several.  Not as many as some people, but I have enough.  I bought myself a pair of sandals that resemble boots that have been shredded.  LOL 

Jonathon got a pair of solid black sneakers, so he can wear them with his dress pants and still run.  Jasmine a pair of two toned pink sandals.  Mariah a black pair of sandals with a bit of rise in the sole.

Wishing you all the best day possible.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

If a heart, afraid of breaking, never learns to dance...

thanks Betsy, the voice adn the words bathe me today, along with the rain, in a soft kind of blur.

Trud, love your Easter wishes and memories, and I love that you included those whose Easter beliefs lay with the bunny...you are an artful wizard.

Good morning all, Happy Easter Trud

dee

[Guest]

Jasmine's visit with the Easter Bunny.  She was excited the rest of the evening!

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

 

 Trudie and Betsy  Thanks !!!What a perfect way to start this Saturday Morning "My Love"" and "The Rose"  Both so very beautiful  with words that touch the soul . Thank you!!

 

Kathy I loved the story of the little piglet and how it felt to care for a creature so small  As I sit here and listen to each of you and feel your hearts and soul it is so evident that not only are our angels so very special but all our Indigos are very special indeed.  The warmth and caring extended to each other and to all the small creatures  is amazing.  The little short tales from the heart about:  Muttley, Blue Birds,  Blue Jays, Peepers ,Butterflies, Puppies, Kittens, (Including a Coon Cat), Horses and Piglets confirms what I have thought from the beginning,  that not only were each of our angels such special, gentle, caring people but that all the Indigos are as well.

 

Dee   As I said last night your thoughts, poems and wisdom speaks for those of us who dare not go to that fateful day  I admire your courage and vulnerability.  Some day I my get there.  But for now I still cannot even photograph Stephen's his little shrine in my room. I do hope this weekend is gentle on you.

 

Carol and Ralph I admire your faith and the love you share together.  Yes, religion has been of great comfort to me during my life time and I will continue tot pray for each of you.  Thank you for your courage and love.   I am sure you,like Susannah have a fun Easter egg hunt planned . 

I love the memories of those days and the joy  I am so glad I truly enjoyed them and knew how special they were!!

 

Susannah  I love shoes and boots too.  Loved the pictue how very sweet.  Good idea of getting black sneakers they never wear shoes anyway:)

 

Colleen   Good luck on that project .That dinner sounded very tempting  I hope you enjoyed that "Chocolate" Fountain  How can one resist!!

 

Must go to my new little critters  They are so very soft and lovely 

 

 Take care Indigos, Bonnie, Leah, Beth, Mary Ann, Sonya, Sherry, Colleen,Marcia, Kim, Rosie, Sue, Susannah, Susan, Denaance, Dan and Greg.Lorrie and all Indigos  Have a special day

 

Betty

Stephen'smom

[ericasmom]

Thanks Betty, the week has been a gift, so I am feeling especially peaceful. I love Eri's birthday, will always love April 4th.

Sus, the shoes sound great. The smile on Jasmine's face far out grins the Bunny, how marvelous. A memory for her to cherish too.

Col, good luck on the house front, I am lucky to even get done the putting away of winter wear. Between hot flashes and taking walks a bike rides, I spend less time on housework.

Thanks Trud adn Bets for the gentle start to the day. Peace to All,

dee