Loss of an Adult Child

[hotrod]

Hi Again Indigos

Carol I am so sorry you are encountering the madness of our Medical System Again. I am praying that the appointments are made with speed and that you are treated with the respect and compassion you deserve.  Yesteday I went for a MRI and was asked if I had any pain  and for how long.  When I indicated a few weeks of pain the techie  advised me that if I was in pain when I made the appointment that  ther is a Law that states I must be seen IMMEDIATELT  (Who Knew) .  I hope you get this resolved without any further delay

Colleen Loved the poem  I too have it posted on my Desk.  I do believe that we live the spirit of that poem here at Beyond Indigo   "Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on."

Trudie  I agree the picture of young Mike is beautiful.  So full of life and love and wonder.  The baby rAbbbit on Mike's shoulder and his gentle smile are a special gift to us all.  Love the shirt as well.

Dee I understand your concern for Jon at the anniversary of his Dad's passing.  Young men do process grief differently, You are doing the right thing just making yourself available.  I know Stephen had a small table dedicated to hi Dad.  It had a picture  , his Dad's wallet and  cuff links.  That table  moved from his room to the living room in his house.  It remaiened there until I sold the house. He did say aboutt 10 years after his Dad's passing, "I have finally recovered from Dad.  "  It is hard !!!

Susannah I hope to go to the reunion if my health issues are cleared up.  NO diagnosis yet so I am not being secretive I just do not know.  Praying some but in acceptance as well:?

Beautiful Day in NYC  I hope you are all doing well

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

 

[ericasmom]

Thanks so much Betty for that piece of Stephen's experience, it is helpful to me to understand my young man.

Carol, goodness I am sorry that you are getting the run-around. If in NOvember he was supposed to get a cat scan, it is just incredibly wrong that he was not told and scheduled. I am holding my breath as you face these days of wondering and waiting. Prayers are being spoken and sent.

Love all the time,

dee

[bjsmom]

Adam

Adam

Adam

Terrie & Paul, my heart & thoughts are with you....

[align=left]Deneace (BjsMom)

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[align=left]

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[ericasmom]

Carol, I just got the new avatar of Mike today, so I am just sending a big smile back as he smiles out on all of us and especially you and his Poppa.

Love,

dee

[shorty16]

Adam, send warm thoughts to your Mom and Dad to day.

 

Thinking of Adam on his angelversary

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[suzytou]

Andrew Paul

9/11/90-2/20/10

Thank you God for the blessing. Why did you take it away?

 

Susan

Mom to Andrew Always

[briansdad]

Here's  to Adam, lighting up heaven with that grin.

[suzytou]

Andrew was diagnosed with cerebral palsy on his first birthday. We bargained with God for a while; let him be able to talk, we don't really care about the walking part.  Let him have the use of his hands, we don't really care about the talking part. Let him have the use of one finger to communicate, we don't really care about the working hands thing. We never bargained for his brain, hearing or sight and in hindsight we should have. Other children are not fortunate enough to have those.

We did take what we were given and after we knew what his abilities were, we never looked back. We did all we could, all day, every day and even though he must have been angry and frustrated with us at times, he never truly let it show. He would try to be  mad at being in the hospital on his birthday in September and he would say the only clear word he could say; the F bomb, but his Dad and I would play off eachother and Andrew would be laughing. And he had the best laugh. The best sense of humor. You could look in his eyes and  know he loved you. His delight at people and the situations us grown ups got ourselves into and the fuss we made over petty things cracked him up. He loved it when grown ups screwed up..He would get a look  on his face like...."and I am the disabled one?".   Andrew went into the hospital on 9/11 after aspirating birthday cake at school. He came home at the end of October with a trach, PEG and night time vent. And was gaining weight, and was so pink from the oxygen; and was so happy and yes, he would be the first to admit it, he was spoiled. We woke up on February 20, to find him not breathing. It looked just like he was sleeping and did not want to wake up. I did CPR until EMS came. They worked on  him in the ambulance and at the hospital but he never responded. We worked so hard to make him healthy over all these years. I still can not believe that we failed after all of it. He was our life and our light and our reason.  We could handle hearing  no to our requests to walking or talking or the use of hands.  We could handle a trach and a PEG and a vent. This, we can not handle and can never get over. Thank you for reading about our Andrew.

Susan;Mom to Andrew

Peter; Andrew's Dad

[lolynbo]

MOM TO ANDREW ALWAYS, WHAT A SWEET INNOCENCE(SP) HE HAS...WE WENT THRU THE TUBES PEG, FEEDING , VENTS, MACHINES WITH MY SWEET GIRL ALSO BUT FOR 7 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS NOT LIKE YAL DID WITH YOUR SON...(HELPING HIM AND TAKING CARE OF HIM ETC..)...WE WERE WORN OUT AND DRAINED, EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY...BUT WE WOULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN AND STILL IF THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN OPTION...(MY STORY OF KOURTNEY IS IN MY PROFILE)...

HE IS IN NO PAIN NOW, HE WALKS HE TALKS HE DANCES...HE PLAYS....HE SEES YOU AND HE LOVES YOU..AND SOME HOW WE GOT TO GO ON....

I WANTED TO POST A PIC OF KIMBERLY ONE OF HER FANCY DANCES...KOURTNEY ONKY WENT TO ONE/TWO COUNTING HER WEDDING...HOPE YAL DONT MIND

GLAD U ALL GOT A CHUCKLE FROM KODYS PIC...GOD LOVE HIM...I SURE DO

THE BOY HERE IS JUSTIN THEY DATED FOR A FEW YRS..HES BALD NOW...LOL

[daniellemom]

Evening everyone!

Terri - Adam!! Saying his Name Loud and Proud! He is such a handsome young man. May memories carry you through today.

Susan and Peter: I’m so sorry for your loss. But I would like to welcome you to the board. You have found a place that you both can talk about your wonderful son Andrew and you will be heard. We don’t judge we listen and celebrate our children’s life. You have just started on this terrible journey and the people here are great. They have great advice and we will all listen and learn about your Andrew and you. Andrew sounds like such a HAM. My thoughts and prayers are with you both. I lost my Daughter Danielle 2 years ago and I really feel this site saved my life.

Sonya (Danielle’s Mom)

[mikesmum]

[user=45918]suzytou[/user] wrote:

Andrew was diagnosed with cerebral palsy on his first birthday. We bargained with God for a while; let him be able to talk, we don't really care about the walking part.  Let him have the use of his hands, we don't really care about the talking part. Let him have the use of one finger to communicate, we don't really care about the working hands thing. We never bargained for his brain, hearing or sight and in hindsight we should have. Other children are not fortunate enough to have those.

We did take what we were given and after we knew what his abilities were, we never looked back. We did all we could, all day, every day and even though he must have been angry and frustrated with us at times, he never truly let it show. He would try to be  mad at being in the hospital on his birthday in September and he would say the only clear word he could say; the F bomb, but his Dad and I would play off eachother and Andrew would be laughing. And he had the best laugh. The best sense of humor. You could look in his eyes and  know he loved you. His delight at people and the situations us grown ups got ourselves into and the fuss we made over petty things cracked him up. He loved it when grown ups screwed up..He would get a look  on his face like...."and I am the disabled one?".   Andrew went into the hospital on 9/11 after aspirating birthday cake at school. He came home at the end of October with a trach, PEG and night time vent. And was gaining weight, and was so pink from the oxygen; and was so happy and yes, he would be the first to admit it, he was spoiled. We woke up on February 20, to find him not breathing. It looked just like he was sleeping and did not want to wake up. I did CPR until EMS came. They worked on  him in the ambulance and at the hospital but he never responded. We worked so hard to make him healthy over all these years. I still can not believe that we failed after all of it. He was our life and our light and our reason.  We could handle hearing  no to our requests to walking or talking or the use of hands.  We could handle a trach and a PEG and a vent. This, we can not handle and can never get over. Thank you for reading about our Andrew.

Susan;Mom to Andrew

Peter; Andrew's Dad

Susan & Peter - Look at that smile, right into the lens.  Its true, we can handle just about anything thrown at us as long as our child is happy and for all intense purposes healthy, but them dying....not so much.

I am so Andrew has gone, here is a place to speak of your son.  You will find many who walk with you.

Trudi

[hotrod]

[user=45918]suzytou[/user] wrote:

 He was our life and our light and our reason.  We could handle hearing  no to our requests to walking or talking or the use of hands.  We could handle a trach and a PEG and a vent. This, we can not handle and can never get over. Thank you for reading about our Andrew.

Susan;Mom to Andrew

Peter; Andrew's Dad

Dear Susan and Peter, I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious son, Andrew.  What a beautiful tribute you have written to him and  his life .  He truly had a beautiful spirit and I know how very difficult this time is.  

You are not alone and have found a very special place in which to share your grief, your sadness and your beautiful memories or Andrew.  I lost my only son Stephen 21/2 years ago and I do believe coming here saved my life and sanity.

Please Keep coming back and sharing Andrew with us.

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[lolynbo]

CAROL, PRAYING RIGHT NOW FOR SPEEDY TESTS AND GREAT OUT COME....HEAVENLY FATHER HEAL THIS MAN WITH A WISP OF YOUR HAND, HAVE THESE TEST COME BACK WITH WORKABLE PROGNOSIS, SPEEDY SURGERY AND MANY HAPPY YEARS FOR THIS COUPLE...AMEN

[heartbeataway]

Susan & Peter, it was my honor to read about your Andrew ..... thank you for sharing him with us.

We leave tomorrow for Dad's funeral on Saturday. I have to tell you guys that you're amazing! Every time I logged into his Guest Journal there has been a new note. I feel blessed!  Thank you!

This is going to be a tough weekend!

I think one of the hardest parts other than it is my Dad's funeral is that all the family will be gathered.  Everyone except Dad and Jason ......

I need strength for this journey,

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

[summergirl]

Susie - so beautiful hearing of your wonderful precious son Andrew...may you walk with us on this journey that is so diffacult. I am sorry for your loss, sorry you had to find your way here but here is the place you want to be...you will see as you go through each day with us....I am Kathy and lost my beautiful daughter Jessica, age 26 on Feb 18, 2006 from ARVD...I miss her with every breath I take.

Carol = with you my friend, always with you.

ADAM, ADAM, ADAM.....SAYING YOUR NAME YOU PRECIOUS ANGEL....SAYING IT LOUD. MAY YOUR FAMILY FEEL YOUR PRESENCE ON THIS DAY AND MAY THEY BE COMFORTED BY SWEET, SWEET MEMORIES....

 

Love to all my wonderful BJ friends...sleep peacefully and sweet dreams. Kathy

[summergirl]

Bonnie - I am sending you all the energy I have and asking all our Angels to gather hand in hand and travel with you on this sorrowful weekend ahead of you. Be easy on yourself my friend....

[Guest]

Lifting my glass (gingerale) with Greg, in honor of Adam!

Susan and Peter - The saddest of welcomes!  I'm so sorry for the loss of your wonderful gift, Andrew!  I know I would have adored him. 

Bonnie - I think your dad and Jason will be there.  I didn't see or feel Stephanie, but several other people did, including her father who doesn't even believe it's possible to see someone after they've passed.

Love, peace and most of all, rest...

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[cassandra]

To all  of you who are on the eve of birthdays, funerals, medical procedures. My prayers, thoughts, and support are with you.  I have read all of your posts and have been deeply moved.Hang in there all of you and know that others care.  

[ericasmom]

Strength for the journey Bon, always with you and loving you.

Peter and Susan, my goodness what a LOVE of a Boy your Andrew is, always will be. His smiling eyes say so much, and even before I read one word of yours, I could read Andrew's face, his delight to be the center of the photographers frame. Your bargaining with God when he was first diagnosed, adn along the years how the hopes changed into simply wanting Andrew to be a happy human was so dear to read. And Andrew succeeded in being a happy human, and in large part due to you Susan and Peter. YOu did not fail, though I understand why it is you feel this right now. WE all felt this way at some point in our grief. Your Son reached the heights of joy because of how well supported he was and sadly, his body was shaken by an event that for many would have straightened out but for Sweet Andrew, could not. Somehow Andrew's path was similar to our Childrens paths. Somehow they were meant to live fully in a shorter amount of time.

Erica was died from her injuries afteran Amtrak hit her car on July 8, 2003 at a broken crossing. She was 19. She died on the 14th, giving all who loved her, many many people, to gather in Michigan to say goodbye. Devastation is what we find in our hearts adn souls. Many of us have already said it however, that this place saved many a parent. this place is a strong circle of people and we hope that you will stay and post some more about Andrew, and about your lives. Blessings in this early phase of grief. Understand that there are no wrong ways to grieve unless you harm yourself. So be good to the people Andrew loves best. It is after all, what he would have you do.

With Love,

dee

[mikesmomrs]

Hello my friends:     20%.  Twenty percent is the “odds” they gave us today that Ralph does not have cancer.  20%.  I’ll take it.  It’s better than what we had the day before.  We may not still have it tomorrow, but we have it today…and today is where we are.  We need to wait til the rest of the tests are in---another CT on Friday morning---a PET scan next week, to determine if there is anything in/on his lungs.  Then another meeting with the pulmonologist and urologist.   So, for now, we are in limbo…but we will take each day, each moment, and live it…  Ralph is doing well, taking it very well…a few moments of sliding down, but then up again…with a joke or two.  His son, all over again.  Fears and worries are replaced with hope for now…Mike...are you listening? 

Just want to tell you all that I am so grateful that I can come here…each day I sign on and there you all are, sending hope and comfort in your posts….I’ve shown Ralph your kind messages of support, prayer and hope.  He is humbled.  He picked up the phone tonight and heard a voice unlike those of our usual callers…had a strange accent, spoke his name to him and a smile spread across his face and moved into his eyes…a smile put there by a woman he has never met, but has heard much about…just like he’s heard about all of you…it was Trudi, calling from down under to wish him/us well.  This is a very, very hard road we are walking on, and you all are sending out messages to smooth the way for us…we are blessed.

Bonnie---thoughts are with you as you go to pay your last respects to your dad…sending you strength for the journey…

Peter and Susan:   Your precious Andrew, that smile jumping out of his picture…I am so very sorry for your loss, but I am glad for you that you have found BI---you have found a treasure trove of support, caring and understanding.  We lost our son Mike, at the age of 31, on Oct 14, 2006, from brain cancer.  We here all understand the pain you are feeling, the wonder in your mind of how you can possibly be breathing when your heart is broken beyond repair…  Come, share your Andrew with us, when and as you can…we are anxious to hear more about him…he sounds like a wonderful, funny young man. 

Dee:  thinking of Jon as his dad’s anniversary approaches---sending prayers for strength for him. 

Sonya:  So nice to see Danielle’s beautiful smile…thanks for signing on and checking in

Betty:  I love that Stephen kept his memorial to his dad…

To all our Indigos:  thinking of all of you, holding you close, drawing strength from your love and support---thank you so much, all of you.

Love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs 

[ericasmom]

And so I step into the sunny cold morning with your message to us Carol, clearly filled with love and motivation to stay in this moment rather than projecting into the next...so very wise of you. Yep, 20% is a chance at possibilities that did not feel possible yesterday so HOORAy for that.Punch Buggy Red kind of day.

THat Trudi, so very dear, reaching across the continents and the seasons to hold you and Ralph, who better?

Love to you and to all of this Family,

dee

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Carol I too am glad for the update.  Trudie's call must have been so  powerful and so touching  for Ralph. What a gift !!!  Please know that all the Indigos are iwth you r and tht prayers are being sent continuously.

Bonnie I know this day will be difficul so please know tht we are allwith your and holdinf you  in our hearts.

I do hope that we all have   a peaceful day filled with warm thoughts of our angels.

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

 

[daniellemom]

Bonnie - My prayers are with you as you say good bye to such a great man.

Carol - You are such a special person my prayers are with you and Ralph as you go for all the test. I also requested prayer for Ralph on Wednesday night church (Pray meeting) is what we call it in the south. So please tell Ralph our church is praying for him and you!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[shellbellsmom]

Carol sending prayers for strength....and praying for the 20% that it is not cancerous. 

Bonnie, sending you strength as well for the days ahead. He sounded like a wonderful man and father. 

Terrie, hoping that on Adam's angelversary date you found some peace in his memories.  Loved all the pictures you posted of him on FB. 

Colleen thanks for sharing the poem...I think I need to live more like the words say. 

Susan and Peter thanks for sharing your precious Andrew with us here.  Another child gone far too soon.  In heaven our children are free....no more pain, no more disabilities, no more diseases....only pure happiness and love. Our children live that today....but for us we will have to wait. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ilW2SC_gj8  (might have posted this before)

Going to go out and enjoy the beautiful spring day here in Western Michigan....peace to all.  Sue

[hotsauce]

Susan & Peter,

i am so sorry for the lost of your son ANDREW PAUL.  you have come to a good place to talk about him.  my prayers are with you.

 

i lost my son (and only child) BRIAN at the age of 22 years old to leukemia on 5-1-09

 

mary ann (hotsauce)

BRIAN'S momdukes

[hotsauce]

to EVERYONE here at BI,

have a great and safe weekend:?

mary ann

Brian's momdukes

[lolynbo]

IM DYSLEXIC (SP) ALL I SEE IS RALPH IS 80% HEALTHIER THEN THEY THINK,...THANK YOU THANK YOU JESUS...STILL PRAYING FOR YOU RALPH...THAT WAS MY DADS NAME HE DIED WHEN I WAS 2 SO I NEVER HAD A DAD...YUKO STEP DADS BUT...

SUN IS SHINNING HERE IN ARDMORE OKLAHOMA...SO WE WILL SEE WHAT TODAY BRINGS

YAL HAVE A BLESSED DAY AND HELP SOMEONE, JUST TALK OR HUG...OR SMILE..ITS THAT EASY

I DONT KNOW IF I SHOWED YAL THIS , BROOKE HAD IT MADE FOR ME FOR CHRISTMAS IT IS A DOMIOE NECKLESS, I HAVE IT IN MY CAR FROM THE REARVIEW MIRROR...

[andrewsmother]

Hey Gang...

Just a quick hello...just so you all know I'm still around and reading your posts as much as I can, I have nothing much to report, handling so many things at the same time I really am very stressed out.  Sam and I are finally splitting up, just doesn't work, no sense in continuing to try I need some peace in my life, so I've been looking for a place to rent for Chris and I but its been hard because my budget is small, I think I found a great place in my parents complex but its a little more than I would like to spend, hopefully everything will work out.  I feel like I need a change, a smaller place, less to take care of, just Chris and me...I'm never getting married again...or at least not till Chris is on his own.  I miss my Andrew so much, its been a little over 3 months and the "Great Sadness" is always with me.

For the new folks, I am so sorry for the reason you are here, I too am very new to this, I lost my 19 year old son Andrew in a car accident on December 19th, 2009.  I am in no position to be of any help to any one but you have found a great place to share your children with wonderful wonderful people.

To all my dear Indigo friends...lots of love...Kathy...I think of you everyday with what you are going through with BJ...please don't ever feel bad about sharing it with us, we are your friends and here to support you.  Even though I don't post daily, I do try to read regularly and think of each and every one of you and your angels...

I'm getting all emotional...

Love, Rosie, Andrew's mom

[Guest]

Rosie - Even with my sarcastic nature, I don't find anything humorous about the breakup of your marriage.  I'm so sorry.  As "mean" as I was about his attitude before, I truly was hoping you would make it.  You sound so clear, though, and that is comforting.  It was good to see your Andrew's face this afternoon.  Are you still planning on making it to Little Rock with your sister in July?

Bonnie - Holding space and light for you and your family during this difficult time.

Susan and Peter - Also thinking of you during this most difficult time of losing a child. 

Carol -  I still have no words....just love.  

Dee - Yeah!!  The weekend is here.  Hopefully you don't have papers to grade.

Trudi - What a thoughtful thing for you to call Ralph!  I always admire people who think of doing something like that and then actually follow through!  Shows what kind of a "kind" person you are!

Everyone else....our numbers are too big to remember each name......grateful for the fellowship and the fact we don't have to walk the journey alone and sad that there are so many of us.

Much love!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmum]

Rosie - Hard decision to make but realistically it might just be the 'new direction' needed for a healthy future...I hope the 'rent fairy' shines down and makes it work for you....

Susannah - When I was growing up we had a family friend called Aunty Ruth.  We all lived in a small country town. Ruth was the local District Nurse, her husband Sam ran the local garage. They had 3 young children.  Sam died in his late 30's.  I spent alot of time with Ruth.  She was the reason I wanted to be a nurse.  The simpliest lesson for being a nurse came from her.  She would say - 'think how you would like your mum, dad, brother, sister, grandparents or yourself  to be treated and work from there'.

I haven't met Ralph although there was contact made when we were looking for Carol last year (lol)..  Sometimes its the simple, inexpensive things that make the day a bit brighter,  allow someone to take a breath at a time where just breathing is hard.....time out of my day well spent.  

Miss Emily is off to the movies with a group of friends.  THERE WILL BE BOYS!!!!! Yikes.   Can't talk about it - her face glows at the thought......but she is still granmas baby girl......

Take Care all my Indigo family.....

[ericasmom]

Trudi, put that girl on the line immediately, her old aunty dee who behaved poorly with boys needs to talk to her right now!

 Kidding, I have a feeling of Em having way more sense of self than I had at her age, having good parents and an excellent Grandma helps. So what movie will she be seeing? I love your family friend, Aunty Ruth, and I am so glad of what she was able to give you, helping you be the human you are.

Rosie, I am happy for the feeling of moving forward for you. I think that when you and KING tried to get it back together, you both hoped but found it was not going to be. Being able to recognize that this is more a burden than anything else is great, and you are now in search of a less complicated life. I do believe that Andrew is smiling at the way that you are running this show. How is Chris doing? Did he have his spring break yet?Hang tight now, we are all rooting for you. You are very new to this gigantic ache, but I do think that you have a strong desire to live your best life and that will take you far.We are far stronger than we ever knew, and not that any of us wanted to find our strength in this way, it so happens that we have. WE find our strength in our weakest hours. There we are the next day standing in the shadows of our hurt, but determined nevertheless to put one foot in front of the other to see what lies ahead.

Marcia, how are you, many thoughts swirling around you today, and I wonder if something new is in your life?

Bonnie, being together with the whole family might be tense, might not, but remember, we are all with you and the most important humans in your life are too: Jason, Dad, and the handsome guy on your arm. I am praying for a wonderful breeze of peace to wash over you there, a palpable sense of your Dad's love and appreciation.

Carol, just hugging you as you put your feet up hopefully for some solid sleep, you and Ralph both.

Susannah, I will always have papers to grade, I usually spend 3 or so hours each Sunday doing work like paper grading and planning for the week ahead, only not this SUNDAY, because I am on spring break. I am thrilled that today marked our last day before break. We had a good day, got much done. Hugged my children at the door and went to the gym. There I worked out some, got shaky, went home and took a nap. We had breakfast for dinner and now I am like a noodle, relaxed. Did your Grandies have spring break?

Sonya, so good to see you.

Leah, where are you?

Cindy, what's cooking?

Pam? doing okay?

Everyone new, I hold your hand as you take steps to this world. Nobody blames you for not being sure if you want to be here, none of us wanted to be here, but once here, we have found companionship and care that has helped us all toward living more fully. Blessings all.

dee

[summergirl]

Carol - loving that 20%....loving that smile on Ralph's face when our special Trudi called...loving you both.

Rosie - thank you for your sweet words...it is so diffacult at the stage you are in, 3 months....feels like yesterday, feels life forever.  Praying as Trudi says that the rent fairy smile upon you, hopefully a nice small place for you and Chris to make a new beginning, the start of the new normal. I am so glad that you read daily and post when you are able....baby steps my friend, baby steps.

My son is 33 years old today...I spent alot of the day remembering the first time they laid him in my arms, a precious baby boy named after his dad..I was 21 years old and never felt love as much as I did at that moment.....how I wish that my family was together at this moment celebrating his 33rd...I will not give up hope, faith that there will come a day when I can post here that my son is clean, healthy, happy and living a good life.....

Trudi - BOYS !!!  Precious Em..    Tavian told me yesterday that he is "in love" with a girl in his school, she is not in his class but she is really pretty and smart!!!!  It took alot to not burst out laughing, had to remain serious as his little face was looking right at me and this was important to him....next week it will be someone else...I kept thinking OMG he is only 8 and I am not ready for this....

Jessica my girl...I am missing you soooooo much. I was listening to that song ..."who would you be today".....I know that you would be the same beautiful daughter you were when you left us. There is so much more I wanted to share with you, so many more things to do, so much more laughter, so, so many more things I wanted to say to you......I love you, I miss you, I want you back.

Love to all of you, holding you in my heart and thoughts. Sleep well. Kathy

[lolynbo]

MONTYS DREAM...WE ARE IN ICU WITH KOURTNEY, WE SEE HER DOC WALK DOWN TOWARDS ICU SO WE GO TO KOURTNEYS ROOM TO CATCH HIM...AS MONTY WALKS IN HE SEES BRENT IN KOURTNEYS BED HOLDING HER AND LOVING HER, AND MONTY GOES OVER THERE TO KISS HER HEAD AND TOUCH HER HAIR, AND SHE OPENS HER EYES AND SAYS "I LOVE YOU DADDY".......

HE WONDERS WHY HE COULDNT HAVE THIS DREAM WHILE BEING AT THE HOSP TO HAVE HAD HOPE....

I THINK IT WAS HER WAY OF LETTING HIM NO , SHE KNEW HE WAS THERE AND SHE LOVES HIM, AND SHE FELT ALL OF US IN BED WHITH HER HOLDING HER (CUZ WE WOULD TAKE TURNS GETTING IN BEHIND HER AND HELD HER)....

 

MANY TEARS MISSIN YOU BABY

[Guest]

Trudi - Love the Aunty Ruth story!  What a legacy you honor her with.

Dee - My kids had spring break last week.  When I was a kid we got a week off for Easter....it's all different, now.

Kathy - Today is my son's 26th birthday.  "We are far stronger than we ever knew, and not that any of us wanted to find our strength in this way, it so happens that we have. WE find our strength in our weakest hours. There we are the next day standing in the shadows of our hurt, but determined nevertheless to put one foot in front of the other to see what lies ahead." Well said, Kathy!! 

My motto for today:  "If the doors keep shutting in my face, I just haven't knocked on the right door, yet." 

Rest well, my friends!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

Jasmine age 7, Jonathon age 5, Mariah age 9 

[Guest]

Curtis' birthday puppy, Neveah.....Curtis 26 yrs old, Neveah 10 wks old (Na Vay a)  Heaven spelled backwards.

[mikesmum]

I believe Mike is around and lets me know with music/signs.  Today is no exception.  Emily sitting with me as I showed her old videos of a band Micheal used to be involved in.  He did the 'roady' stuff and jammed with the guys. 

Anyhew - as we are waiting for the download I was telling Em how Mike (mine) met Lauren (the love of his life) through being with this band.

Em stared at the screen as the video played and there was Marvin....Mikes favourite cartoon character....one he drew often.....Lee one of the band members was wearing my Mikes shorts with Marvin on them.....I never knew.

****Warning...not sure of the lyrics...might offend so turn the sound down***

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=27967142

Sorry if you aren't into headbanging,  neither was I.  I could hear these guys practice up the road from where we lived!!  Since Mike left any link to him is precious....

*The lead singer is Mike Short  who one year later broke his neck in a diving accident.  All the boys in the band were with him that day.  They stayed in Spinal Intensive Care through the next 12 weeks.  My Micheal met Lauren (the other Mikes sister) through the band...they were together for 10yrs.

Mark, the dude in the black T Shirt lost his mum a few yrs later.  His was one of my first calls as an EMD. The local hospital refused to assist as they didn't have an emergency department.  She died in the the driveway of the hospital.  Mal attended..

Lee (Marvin guy) is the one who found pics of Mike and sent them through - he served in the arm and his working towards becoming a police man*  

 

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

I have a Wedding to attend today and was going to rush aobut ,get ready and not connect with my life source.  My inner voice said"BAD IDEA"  If I ever intend to get thru today I neeed to see and hear youall before I go out into the "Wilderness"

Susannah and Trudie  It is wonderful to see the pictures of the children and hear Mke's band.  So very glad you have those memories What a treasure.Sussannah The puppy is adorable just like Mutley

Rosie  How nice to see handsome,  Andrew when I signed on.   It certainly sounds as if you are now comfortable with tyour decision about your marriage.  I wish you well.  Come here often it keeps me sane.

Lorrie loved the Domino Neckless and Dee so glad you are on Spring Break  Enjoy.

MaryAnn I hope the weather there is kind enough to let you walk out and enjoy the Spring  Betsy I bet you have your camera set for an adventure today as  well.  Sonya and Sherry I know you are both busy with the move and spring break  Just thinking of you

Bonnie and Carol you are both in my thoughts and prayers.  I know you both have experienced hard times and kknow to just try to get thru it One Moment at a Time.

I am going to take my own advice and do that today as I attempt to be sociable.

Sue and Paul, Sue, Kim, Deneance, Leah, Beth, , Kathy Coleen Greg, Dan, Cassandraand all Indiogs, may soft gentle memories of your angels stay with you today.

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[Guest]

Trudi - I enjoyed watching the "Rain" video.  Because you told us about the boys in the band, I felt like I knew them.  I'm not into headbanging.  But, as I watched the pictures change and listened to some talented guitar and drum playing, I was thinking of the mothers of those boys (you, included) and thinking of them as little boys.  There is a special bond between a mother and her son. 

Betty - I hope you enjoy the wedding today.  It's snowing here this morning.  It's supposed to get to 69 by Monday.  Springtime in the Rocky's.

Leah - I've been thinking about you, too.  Hope you are well. 

Bonnie - How's things with your foster child?  Her name just left me.  Is it Emily?

Have a blessed day - or at least a peaceful day.  May each of you receive some kind of sign or comfort from your angel today.  I agree with you, Trudi.  Our angels do reach out to us.  Sometimes our own pain prevents us from noticing the sign, but they do send them.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmum]

Betty - Good luck with the wedding.  I find being at any 'function' I can only 'function' for a limited time....

On the Muttley note - Muttley and I are off to school later today.  (its early am here).  We are applying to become Pet Partners.  Its a program where pups and their owns (after passing some stringent testing) visit the elderly, special needs children and schools...   I think they want to know if I'm house trained and Muttley needs a background check.

We are off to assess the level of obedience which is a big part of his training for acceptance.  I have been trying to find my niche away from my previous 'worklife' utilising some of the 'me' that used to be.....

Will let you know how 'we go'.

Carol & Ralph - Keep focussing on the 20%!

Lorri - hear the heartbreak with all you posts.  Glad Kimberley is back close to you.  Its hard when they go away....just want them back home.

Amanda - You must be very proud of your graduation.  Achieving so much including raising such a bonnie boy.

Bonnie - I know its the day of your dad service.  May visions of Jay standing with your dad give you strength today of all days..  One very loving daughter honouring her dad. 

Terrie - hope your okay.....

Well best hit the sack, have to be up in 6hrs........:?

 

[lolynbo]

I WAS WATCHING A SHOW LAST NIGHT...AND A LADY HAD LOST HER DAUGHTER NEVER DID FIND HER...SHE SAYS SHE DOES GOOD TIL THE

"GRIEF GOOL" GETS HER.....HOW IT SNEAKS UP BEHIND HER AND OVER COMES HER...I UNDERSTOOD EXACTLY WHAT SHE MENT...AND I KNOW YAL DO TOO..

KODY STARTS RACING TONIGHT SO PRAY MY SWEET BABY IS SAFE...I NO I POSTED PICS BUT THIS ONE MAKES ME CHUCKLE...I AM BLESSED TO HAVE HIM I NO, AND I AM VERY THANKFUL...ID LIKE TO SHARE HIM WITH YAL

[ericasmom]

Prayers for Kody to safely race his vehicle. I get such a kick out of the faces that boy makes when he mugs for the camera. The domino necklace is great, so pretty and an artifact of a time that will always be. Once we experience it, it is always there.

Trud, I love the video, and like Susannah, I felt knowing a bit about the boys connected me to them. I see very much your many connections to them. I feel lucky with that too, knowing and still being involved with the Children that grew alongside my Daughter. Head banging music to head banging frustration is what our Kids do probably, when we don't get a sign they are sending. They probably sit around and say,

" look at my Momma, she just isn't noticing that this song that she loves and she and I always listened to, comes on everytime she is on the way to the cemetery..."

Then they compare notes and laugh and giggle at we oldies, and all that we miss. When we finally notice, they HIP HIP  HOORAY! My girl is probably laughing her butt off as I say hi to almost every robin, certain that it is a message. " My mom always talked to trees adn birds, but someone is going to put her in the back of a padded truck soon."

Trudi, I hope you are house trained so that you can lend your expertise to the children and the elderly and help make their lives shiny.

I hope that I do make my girl smile and laugh, that her 19 year old sensibilities continue to allow her to both laugh at her old mum, and to want to snuggle with me.

Speaking of snuggle, I slept for 11 hours, getting up to blindly use the bathroom adn then clunk! back to sleep. I was exhuasted and ready for rest. So glad that my body and brain went along for it.

Love the puppy Susannah. Your Son is a handsome devil, and I think it is cool that he adn Kathy's Son share the same birthday. Kathy, I know that the moment of meeting your boy was the most overwhelmingly wonderful moment, and I pray that one day you will be able to spend his birthday with him in a healthy environment. Birthday wishes.

Sherry, hope that the move is going smoothly and that as you settle in, Lisa and Davey let you feel their joy. Bird songs all around.

[Guest]

I need to vent....and you guys are my ventees...I apologize in advance!

Most of you know the story of my grandchildren and the hell they went through.  The woman who hurt them will be out of jail on the 19th of April...she will be reprimanded to a transition place in town where one stays before they're allowed freedom.  They can get a job and go to meetings and/or church, but they're still considered incarcerated (sp?) 

Well, this woman has never taken responsibility for anything she did.  She still denies everything and continues to blame me, Gary, Stephanie and the school district for all the abuse against my grandchildren.

Casper is only about 55000 people.  This story never made the news.  Stories similar to this story have made national headlines, but didn't even rate a sentence in our two papers.  When she was sentenced one local sentence took about 15 seconds to mention that Tina was sentenced because two children in her care went to school with bruises on their arms.  (Over 200 pictures were taken of their bruised and battered bodies.  There was a whole lot more than bruises on their arms)  They said the sexual allegations turned up false.  WHAT!??  They dropped the sexual assault charge, stating they couldn't prove it because she didn't receive sexual gratification for what she did.  It was more along the lines of torture.  So, she was only charged with two felony counts child abuse.  She pled no contest to it, but still proclaims her innocense.

So now, we find out Dad is "good" friends with one of Tina's best friends....again, WHAT!??  And, Tina gets out of jail in a few weeks...Tina told Mariah she would kill her and me.  We do our best to make Mariah feel secure and safe, including telling her that Tina is sorry for what she did and wants to make it up to all of them by staying out of their lives (hopefully what I'm telling her is true!!)

But, to add to their security, I notified one of the papers about this story.  No response.  So, I notify the other paper...practically writing the story for him.  No response!   Again, WHAT!?  This morning, on the front page of the paper was the story of a woman who got a DUI Friday night....But, the woman who virtually kidnapped three children and tortured them for over a year doesn't even get a sentence...

So...I go to my AA meeting today.  After the meeting I run into a woman I used to be quite close to but haven't seen in a while.  We hug.  She asks how my kids are.  How's Stephanie?  I wasa very compassionate as I explain that we lost Stephanie last August.  I held her while she sobbed.  She was so sorry she didn't know.  She felt horrible for being so wrapped up in herself (her words) that she didn't know Stephanie had died.  I just held her, and when she composed herself, I shared with her all the miracles that have taken place and also shared with her the story of Stephanie's kids.

Here's the whole point to this ranting...another woman, whom I had never met, was hanging around the edges and finally interrupted and said she had just gotten out of jail with Tina and that Tina still maintains she never did anything, that it was the grandmother (me) and their mother (Stephanie).  This stranger didn't realize that Tina was talking about Stephanie.  This woman had once sponsored Stephanie.  I guess.  That's what she claimed. 

Anyway, I had to leave I was so angry I was shaking!  Tina gets out of jail in a few weeks.  We are lucky she didn't kill one or all of our kids!  How do I get somebody to llisten to me!!!?

Just because she won't be on the register as a sexual preditor doesn't mean she isn't one.  This woman did things to my grandchildren that I would never announce publically!  I am furious!  I am scared!! 

I want this story "out there".  I want her face "out there".  I don't know where to start.

People say..."she's not legally allowed to be around the children for five years."  SO!?

She wasn't legally allowed to take them in the first place either.  She wasn't legally allowed to torture them like she did for over a year.

LEGAL means nothing to those people!!!  They took them before.  They can do it again.  The authorities know she sexually abused my grandchildren, but they couldn't prove it.  She is a registered felon....when the judge explained what being a felon meant to her, she laughed.  She never voted anyway..."I have no plans to run for public office anyway." 

Don't they get it!!??

There's a man who stands on different street corners of the town and uses a bullhorn to yell insults at our mayor and the chief of police.  Most people ignore him.  Maybe I need to make up a flier and get a bullhorn about Tina.

I know I won't do that.  I just don't know what to do to protect my grandchildren from their father and his girlfriends!

Thanks for listening.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom........speaking of.........Steph, if you know what I'm supposed to do, telling me would be a good thing.

[ericasmom]

Well vented Susannah. I don't know what to say except to wonder if the woman, Tina, is somehow connected to the mayor or the governor or someone and that is why it won't be placed in the paper.  I don't get it either, how it could not be considered sexual abuse because she didn't get off on it? That is ludicrous. So she does sexual things to them and it is not considered anything? Why on earth is she getting out, don't even tell me good behavior. Most pedophiles get out on good behavior because there are no little ones in jail. It is pretty simple to see. So when did she say she would kill you and your grandgirl, before she went to jail? Is the father creep around your kids? Does he get to see them? Do they want to see him?

As far as the paper, I would write an editorial piece so that it might have a chance to show up on some page. In it I would ask why the local papers are not covering topics that are of great concern to the health and well-being of the children in town. I would send a copy of the article you write to one of the big city papers and explain your story and see if it is worthy of their news.

I don't blame you for being furious, it invokes so much emotion.

[ericasmom]

Betty, I do hope that the wedding was a good one, a fun one, and that the folks you spent time with were refreshing. What did you wear? I am rather shallow, love to shop and love the show, WHAT NOT TO WEAR. I have a couple of weddings and a retirement party to attend this summer, so I am keeping an eye for fun fashions for the older me.

Betsy, did you have fine photography weather today? We had a partly sunny 50 degree day, and husband and I weeded some parts of the garden. That was a nice feeling. Now the permanent stain of spring and summer begins, the sides of my index fingers stained with the earth.

 A poem inspired by the new green shoots and by our longing hearts.

Sprouting from dark soil,

a new kind of green, unfurling against the odds,

making a mark above ground

as roots twist and curve

in search of nutrients

in the deep recesses of memory.

And I heave-

exhaling loss.

Deep breath,

inhaling all that exists now.

My roots are anchored

in all that came before-

and I am no longer

afraid of forgetting.

Love to you,

dee

[Guest]

Thanks for the validation, Dee!  Yes.  I think a letter for the editorial is the way to go.  This is all ludicrous!  Yes. the father has contact with the children.  It's still supervised.  Not even I wanted to keep him completely from them, especially after the death of their mother.  My heart was much softer after Stephanie's death, initially.  Now, I'm like "not just no, but hell no!"  I'm going to try to construct an intelligent, articulate and suscinct letter for the paper.

Thanks!

[lolynbo]

I FOUND SOMEONE THAT DOES GREAT WORK ON PORTRAIT TATTS..SO I HAVE AN APPT APRIL 15TH AT 1230 TO GO TO WICHITA FALLS TX (1 OR SO AWAY) TO GET A PIC OF KOURTNEY DONE..HE WASNT THE PIC I WANT AND 2 OTHERS SO HE CAN SEE OTHER FEATURES THAT THE PIC I WANT MIGHT NOT SHOW....PRICE STARTS AT 200 SO IM REALLY EXCEITED....CANT WAIT TO SHOW YAL...HAVE NOT DECIDED IF I WILL PUT IT ON MY CALF OR MY SHOULDER BLADE...WHAT DO YAL THINK????

THIS OF COURSE IS THE PIC I WANT...

[briansdad]

I guess I know what I need to do with my life.While at work I received a call from someone who was looking for a certain kid of material to do a banner .I found her the product she needed and then she asked if I knew someone who could print it.The banner was for a fund raiser for a boy who was 22 who was killed in a carjacking. Angel Images to the rescue.The people he worked for are doing it.The said his Mom passed away a few years ago and his Dad wanted to have nothing to do with him. The lady that owned the resturant he worked at said she was kind of his Mom.

[ericasmom]

Greg, Angel images to the rescue indeed, and how wonderful that in all the loss there are people like yourself that will find ways to shout the Child's name for those who love him so. Iknow that Brian must be smiling.

I think Lorri, on your shoulder blade. WHile your legs are hot, we do age, and shoulder blades are often less affected by age. Good luck.

Susannah, I hope that you can alert the right folks for this.

[ericasmom]

http://www.engadget.com/2010/03/27/earth-hour-starts-at-8-30pm-tonight-asks-for-sixty-minutes-of-n/

Turn off the lights! Earth hour.