Loss of an Adult Child

[briansdad]

Here is his banner.

 

[briansdad]

This is the story.

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[align=left]By Tim Bryant[/align]

[align=left]ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH[/align]

03/24/2010

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UPDATES with victim's death:

A man from Maplewood died Wednesday morning, hours after he was critically wounded in a carjacking and shooting at Route 3 Liquors in Sauget

Sauget Police Chief Patrick Delaney said the Major Case Squad of Greater St. Louis was called in to investigate the homicide around 11 a.m. He said 26 investigators are currently working on the case.

Police give this account:

Martin Lampe, 23, and two male friends were at the store shortly before 3:30 a.m. when a man walked up, jumped in the victims' car, shot Lampe and sped away.

Lampe is in critical condition after surgery at a hospital.

He was shot twice in the abdomen while sitting in the car with the passenger door open while only feet away his two friends waited in line at the store's walkup window.

Police Chief Patrick Delaney said the victims apparently did not know the carjacker, who jumped into their car as Lampe sat in the front passenger seat. After shooting Lampe, the carjacker kicked the victim out of the car and drove north on Route 3.

Authorities believe the carjacker drove over the Poplar Street Bridge into St. Louis. Police have yet to recover the victims' car, a gold, four-door 2002 Chevrolet Impala with tinted windows.

Delaney said he's unsure whether the car's "very nice" 22-inch wheels might have prompted the carjacker to take the vehicle. [/align]

[ericasmom]

Greg, I don't think that the article is available at this site.

The banner however, is wonderful.

[mikesmum]

[user=10710]briansdad[/user] wrote:

Here is his banner.

 

Oh yeah Greg - you do good work - a calling one might say.

Susannah - Articulate, intelligent, well thought out with purpose....I know you can do it.

 

[Guest]

MARTIN - NEW ANGEL.  THE ONLY THING I CAN FIND COMFORTING ABOUT YOUR DEATH/NEW BIRTH IS THAT YOU ARE NOW IN THE ARMS OF YOUR MOTHER.  HUG HER TIGHT..........AND, PLEASE INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO OUR ANGELS.   PEACE, DEAR SOUL.  PEACE.

SUSANNAH/STEPHANIE'S MOM

[ericasmom]

Good morning All. It is a morning with dark gray clouds and bird song. I do believe it will soon rain but beyond that, no clue. I see a robin running the roof-line of my friend Kay's home, a fat singing bird, announcing his proclamations so melodically. Perhaps he speaks of the coming rain or maybe just a bit about his night. WE are like them,telling our lives in melodies that unite us.

Have a good day. Bonnie thoughts float all around you. Carol, do you and Ralph find out tomorrow  the next steps of this process?

Love to All,

Dee

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

The wedding went pretty good!!! I was able to stay until the cake was cut (about 3 hours and then  leave)  My niece brought pictures of herself and Stephen in their teens and early 20s .  His smile and spirit (in the pictures) just jumped off the page captured my heart all over again.   I felt as if he was right there the entire day.  What a gift.

 

 Dee I loved your poem  You are so talented.  I too must change my wardrobe selection and have a difficult time finding dresses I like .  Did find a dressy pants suit in teal that looked ok and I was comfortable with.  Trudi I love that you and Mutley are considering cheering others with your wonderful spirit and his beautiful being.  I know you will do well.

 

Susannah So sorry for the terrible turn of events  I know you can write that letter  Good luck.

Carol and Bonnie holding gentle thoughts of you today

It is dark and gray outside.  trying to get out before it rains. I will get out and go to church and light a candle for all our angels.

Have a gentle day

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[lolynbo]

WELL SOMEONE SHOPPED AT THE CEMETARY AND STOLE SEVERAL ITEMS YEST OR THE NIGHT B4...IM SO UPSET..I HAVE POSTED PICS ON FB AND SENT OUT MANY MESSAGES AND ALSO HAVE A $200 REWARD..PRAY WE CATCH THESE PPL AND THEY ARE PROSECUTED....WHO DOES THIS SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

[Guest]

Betty - I am glad you enjoyed yourself at the wedding.  Also glad you were able to share special moments between Stephen and your neice through pictures.

Greg - The banner for Martin is wonderful.  I'm glad you found your place in the world.  Between Beyond Indigo, Bereaved Parents and your angel art work (The title just flew right out my brain.  sorry) you will be quite busy...what a gift you are!

Dee - I love the poem.  It reminds me of a tree losing it's leaves in the fall and sprouting new ones in spring.  Don't ask me why everything reminds me of trees.  I just love them.

Trudi - How wonderful that you and Muttley are getting trained to be "comfort companions".  Hope it goes well.

I miss seeing all the angel's faces that were here when I arrived.  I understand the need to be silent (even though I rarely am)...I just want you all to know I miss you.

Much love!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom.... 

[ericasmom]

Betty, I can see that teal would be a gorgeous color on you with those electric eyes of yours. I am happy that you had a nice afternoon, and thrilled that you felt the presence of your gorgeous Boy. Gift indeed. Thanks for the compliment, I do like when poems pop out of me, whether good or not, they seem to release my energy in a good way, distributing my pent-up stuff.

Lorri, I do not know why or how people can take from our gravesites, but it has happened so often at Eri's site that I rarely purchase anything more than a trinket knowing that it will disappear. I had a very pretty banner hanging on a shepards hook and both disappeared, that was the second banner purchased. It had a butterfly on it, so colorful and pretty. We have had many things just gone in a matter of a day once. So suffice it to say that ERi's site looks rather barren next to her neighbors. I am sorry for the taking in your area. What did they nab?

off to the gym, see y'all later.

[mysonrich]

Good morning Indigos. A friend stopped over yesterday to check up on me. I don’t mean to worry people but feeling lost lately. More lost. My friend now calls me Rocky. Meaning I crawled under a rock. I don’t want her to be creeped out. Why I have to warn people I don’t know but there are many,many pictures of Rich and his kite and a little boy statue on a skateboard in the living room. Maybe with her being childless she doesn’t get it, so the heads-up.

Dee, no pictures yesterday though I did see something of interest. It looks like rain today but maybe I will venture out later.

Greg, what a horrible story, Martin killed for the wheels on his car. Like Susannah said, his Mom was waiting for him but still, all so very tragic.

Lorri, I don’t know what’s wrong with people.

Betty, take the umbrella. Hope the wedding was enjoyable.

Carol, MaryAnn, Trudi, Colleen,Rosie,Kathy, Cassandra, everyone. You all are in my thoughts and prayers even while I am under the rock.

Betsy,mysonRich

[ericasmom]

Susannah, I was typing when you were, so thanks, I love trees too, often speak to them, care for them like babies. Imagine if trees could speak a language humans could decipher...we would take so much better care of the earth. Coming up on the 40th earth day. I was 14 years old, a freshman in HS.

Yikes, that was a long time ago and just yesterday all in one.

Love,

dee

[hotrod]

Hey Betsy (Rocky:cool:)

Was just leaving when my computer announced another post  I am glad I checked it out.  It is wondeful that you have surrounded yourself with pictures of your handsome son Rich-I have done likewise!!! 

The Rock thing is understandable and if you ever need a bagel or company you know exactly where to go.  !!  You are in my thoughts always.

Lorrie sorry about the incident 

Take care all

 

Betty

[ericasmom]

Hey, every time I get up to leave I find that I was writing when someone else was. Hi Betsy, aka Rocky. I am sorry that you are in the deep crevices of the unseen world in which we sometimes live. I would be worried except that I know that you will emerge and when you do, some great mined minerals will be added to your already wonderful heart/spirit. I have found that when I go deep, deep under those rocks where we hide ourselves, we find pieces of our lives within those cave-like walls. We find bits and pieces of gold and shiny material in which to add to our lives, ways to help shed light on all that remains.

Just saw you again Betty, I swear I am leaving now for the warm water pool, love ya.

[Guest]

Betsy - I agree with Dee and Betty.  People who haven't been there don't get it.  I tried to explain the pain to someone yesterday, and I ended up lost for words.  I hope you have at least found a comfortable rock.  And, I trust you to know the signs if your rock becomes dangerous to you, so that you can reach out for help. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Dee,

Your words move me.  Keep them coming!!

Colleen, Brians Mother Forever

[lolynbo]

THE THEIVES GOT HER 2 SOLAR BUTTERFLIES...2 OF HER SOLOR LIGHTS (THERE WAS 6 WHY JUST TAKE 2)...HER METAL BUTTERFLY I JUST GOT HER FOR HER BIRTHDAY, HER CHRISTMAS STATUE THAT SAID "I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGHTENS ME", HER WOODEN TINY LIL CROSS, AND HER LARGE METAL CROSS DADDY HAD MODIFIED SPECIALLY FOR HER,  I THINK THATS ALL...BUT YES I CAN REPLACE IT..BUT SOME OF THE THINGS LOWES NO LONGER CARRIES...BUT.....

I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND..THEY MUST HAVE BEEN LITERALLY SHOPPING....BUT KOURTNEYS GRAVE IS WAY AT THE BACK OF THE CEMETARY SO THEY MUST HAVE SPOTTED IT AT ANOTHER TIME AND WENT BACK AND GOT THEM????

I THINK IT CLDA BEEN CRAZY ASS AMANDA TOO???? OR DO YAL THINK IT WAS JUST RANDOM???

[shorty16]

Lorri,

So sorry to hear about the graveyard thieves.  No conscience!!

Brian is not buried.  Brian's spirit is in heaven (with all the other children), but his earthly body is all around me, nechlace-urns, mantel urns, spread in the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans. 

I think it is so cool how each of us chose our own way to honor the bodies of our children.

Believe it or not, Brian and I talked about burial vs cremation.  He wanted to be cremated. - Wierd conversation.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Yes Lor, it could have been crazy-ass Amanda, but it could have been a thousand others, like the idiot that let their dog crap all over the graves...I know that there are times I feel that my very sick and icky father, who was never allowed to touch ERica or know her, much less be at her funeral, might be taking her things just to be the creep that he is, but it also could be a thousand other folks. I think that it sucks big time to take from gravesites, but really, do we want to be face to face with folks that would do that?

Hi Col, what is new? I just took a short sunny walk but the wind nearly blew my eardrums out, so now, home again and  soon will be taking a nap.

LOVE TO ALL<

dee

[mikesmum]

Betty - So glad you were able to stay for such a time at the wedding.  The pictures are so precious. They tweak the memory buttons giving us that wave of smiles from our children.

Betsy...Rocky - Its hard for people to fathom that you haven't seemed to 'progress'.  Surrounding ourselves with memories of our children is our way of keeping them 'alive' - acknowledging they were.  You might be right, not having children it would be hard for her to comprehend.  Love seeing Rich's smiling face this morning.

This is my "Rocky Isolation".  I know I posted it before but I found such peace sitting here I was lost in time.  I wanted to just till I could be with Micheal. Unfortunately those who don't get worry that I'm 'not well'.......

Colleen - Same for seeing Brian.  Yes a very weird conversation.  How are Aaron and Michelle?  How is the cruise shaping up?

Maryann - Another face I've missed.  How are you travelling?

Lorri - I THINK IT CLDA BEEN CRAZY ASS AMANDA TOO???? OR DO YAL THINK IT WAS JUST RANDOM???  Amanda is just one of many 'crazy asses' in this world with a value system we will never understand.  They might have just thought "ohhhh that's pretty" walked away with it...Might have been a Random Act of Insentivity.  But yes NAME 'EM & SHAME EM!!!

Susannah - How goes the 'letter to the editor'?

Carol - Hoping Ralph is working on that 20% with you.  You have such an 'army' of strength with you always..

Kathy - How you doing while Tavian is at the other grandma's.  Hoping to see Miss Jessica's smiling face soon.

Cassandra - Hoping the weather is fine in Winniepeg.  Any chance you might post a picture of you boy?  Love seeing these babies - Mike keeps such good company.

Sonya - Did you move yet?

Rosie - Any luck with finding a new place? 

Marcia, Bonnie hope you are going okay. 

Off to the RSPCA this morning to get some more details about the companion pet programs available.

Rain here all night........mother nature did the laundry and everything looks brand new....

 

[ericasmom]

Trud, love your rocky place, I would join you there and our angels could dance about as we bring them forth in our most colorful thoughts. Sit Muttley, now stay, now roll over. Perform well for the nice people.

Nope, those who don't get it just don't, and never will. Some of those folks do have kids, most do not, but either way, don't ever want them to 'get it' but to somehow allow their brain to accept our new lives with a bit more giving. That's all.

Love for all the seasons, for all the days with adn without our Babies.

dee

[Guest]

Trudi - I love your rock place.  I'm going to use that as my visual "happy place".  I'm copying the letter I sent to the editor.  I'm a bit embarrassed about it, because it's emotional.  I don't know how else to be other than who I am at the moment.  I sure wish I would have sent it to you and Dee to edit before I hit send, but I hit send before another thought entered my mind. 

Lorri - I don't know what to say about the stolen things from Kourtney's grave site.  It must feel like such a violation. 

Well...here's my letter to the editor.  They only allow 355 words.  I stayed awake most the night beating myself up for sending it.  I was actually concerned that this might make a lot of people angry and Tina's safety might actually be in danger.  And, then I worried that maybe I'll anger the wrong people...be it the DA or the "tweekers".  Then, I worried that I just might look foolish.  Shoot, maybe they won't even print it.   Your feed back would be appreciated.  all of you...

“She took our clothes off and put us to bed naked.  She said the bad men were coming.  Two for me.  One for Sister.”  My seven year old granddaughter showed no emotion, her monotone voice barely above a whisper, as she recounted one of her many nights of horror at the hands of her father’s girlfriend.

We are uncertain if the “bad men” actually existed because Tina would blindfold the kids when she said it was the bad men.

On July 22, 2009 Tina Marie Guerra-Soneson was charged with 2 counts felony child abuse, one count second degree sexual assault and several misdemeanors, including possession of meth.  She pled not guilty to all charges.  Even though none of the maternal side of the family knew where the children were, she blamed the children’s mother and maternal grandparents (me) for molesting them.  She blamed all three schools for abusing them.  When interrogated by the detective, she even suggested her own son may have caused the abuse. 

She was adjudicated in civil court.  She changed her not guilty plea to no contest in criminal court and the sexual assault charge was dropped.  The assistant DA explained to me that they really can’t prove sexual assault because she didn’t receive sexual gratification for her acts against my grandchildren.  Her assault was more along the lines of torture.

She has taken no responsibility and shown no remorse for the abuse she inflicted upon my grandchildren.  And, she gets out of county jail on April 19^th, after serving half of her 18 month sentence.    

Due to my daughter’s death, my husband and I are in the process of adopting all three children.  We were reunited with my grandchildren when the state notified us they had been removed due to the abuse.  Over 200 pictures were taken of my grandchildren’s battered bodies.  I have two motives for sharing this story.  One, I want to be heard.  We weren’t notified of the date of her sentencing, so I did not get to speak.  Two, and most importantly, I think that by taking this story public, we add protection for our grandchildren’s safety. 

Susannah Thompson

 

[summergirl]

Just a quick hello to all - it has been a very quiet, cold weekend and I have just been laying back....reflecting on my life.

I am trying to catch up on all postings so will talk tomorrow evening.  Loving all of you and holding you close. Kathy

[hotrod]

Dear Indigos 

I hope the day was gentle on your souls.  Kathy my thoughts are with you and Betsy, Carol and Bonnie during this reflective time.  I pray for your peace.. 

Susannah  Such a sad, sad story  I am glad you  were able to write about it in such detail.  I think that the letter  was well written and  told the terribly sad facts in  a non accusatory factual manner.  I am proud of your efforts to protect the little ones and pray that the villain sees justice.

 

Trudie I do love your "Rock" the picture of the space  speaks volumes.  I felt so safe and secluded as I looked on the picture and can just imagine you and Mutley sitting there with peaceful thoughts of your angel "Mike. " It warmed my heart.

 

Lorrie  I am so sorry you have experienced this loss  Please take care of you.

 

Dee I hope you enjoyed your swim this morning. and that you enjoy your well deserved spring break this week.  You are right  I also hope that" They " who do not get it Never have to know what living with the loss of a child is like, 

 

Colleen, Felt so good to see you Brian's sweet face today when I signed on.

 

MaryAnn, Beth, Claudia, Sonya, Sherry thinking of you this evening.

 

Stay well

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[mikesmomrs]

Hello all:

Susannah:  Your letter shows your feelings, lets people know a little about what’s going on.  I can’t imagine how you feel…fear, worry, anger…all mixed up in one…praying for you and your little grandies...  Such terrible things for them to have to deal with.  Perhaps you could go to the police and have a restraining order put out?  Or, have you already done that?  I seem to remember, now, reading something about it in one of your previous posts..thinking of you and all your little ones...

Lorri:  I hope that Kody did okay in his race last night...his suit is awesome, as is he.  I am so sorry about the things being missing from Kourtney's site.  It's just heartbreaking,  I love the picture you are having done as a tattoo...be sure to post a pic when it is done.   

Sonya:  thank you for the prayers, and thank you to your church group.  So nice to see Danielle’s beautiful smile.   We have told our daughters about their dad’s news.  They of course, were very upset by it, but then called him later and spoke with him, so they are working at processing it…

Trudi:  The rock place is really beautiful…thank you for sharing.  I love what you and Muttley are setting out to do…the warmth that you give to people when they connect with you, and the joy of Muttley will go far in bringing smiles to those in need of them.  You are so kind to reach out---but that is you. 

Dee:  I am glad that you are on spring break...do have a restful, peace-filled time.  Do you have any specific plans?

Betsy:  I love that you have pics of Rich all over your home…I wish I could visit so I could say how beautiful they all are…even without seeing them, I know that they are something to see…that beautiful red hair gleaming, right above that sweet smile. 

Greg:  The banner that you did…so beautiful.  I am so sorry about the death of young Martin…so very sorry for his parents and friends. 

Betty:  I am so glad about your “gift” at the wedding of more pictures of Stephen…it is so wonderful when we find new pics that we haven’t seen, or those we haven’t seen in a while…I am glad that you went to the wedding and were able to stay as long as you did.

Bonnie:  I hope you have been okay this weekend, and have found some comfort from being with many others who love your dad.  Have a safe trip home. 

Mary ann, Kathy, Beth, Colleen, Claudia, Leah, Marcia and all other Indigos, and of course, those who are new to this site...go safely through the week, take care, and know that you all are in my thoughts every day. 

This weekend has been filled with so many thoughts...missing Mike terribly right now...wishing so much I could walk up to him and feel his arms around me, him telling me "Mom, it's okay, it's okay."   Ralph is doing okay, doesn't talk about it much, but now and then he opens up some...I wish so, so much I could fix this for him, somehow.  Tomorrow begins a long week of waiting…Ralph is scheduled for his PET scan on Friday…Thinking about it has me in a state of autonomy; speaking the words out loud sends me to the depths of heartbreak..  Somehow I make it to the next hour, and then to the next...struggling to keep myself in the moment…stay in the moment…and even as my mouth forms words to speak of something else, thoughts of this fright are racing through my brain and scraping my heart raw.  I cannot even imagine the unimaginable, and yet there it is, staring at me.  I want to scream, just like I did with Mike,  “FIX HIM! FIX HIM NOW!!!  WHAT ARE YOU ALL WAITING FOR?!?!”

But, instead, tomorrow I will wake up, go and pick up Sarah’s mom for a dr’s appt, then take her back home, bring Damon here, play, talk, read with him, fix his lunch, play some more, talk some more, take him home, come back home.  And during all of this, I will breathe, I will blink, my heart will beat, but I won’t feel any of that.  I am on auto-pilot.  Stay in the moment.

Thank you all for your support and prayers.  I have told Ralph of all of your good wishes and prayers, and he is very grateful for your support, as well .  I am sorry to bring this burden to you, but I know that you will be here for me, unlike anyone else, because you know, you care, you understand--

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[briansdad]

They show my banner on the local news tonight.

[ericasmom]

Carol, yours and Ralph's situation is not a burden, it is life, it is an event in your lives, and we are your sisters adn brothers in the fight to live strong. I have brought you and the others so many stories of friends and family illness, but never did I get a sense that I was burdening you guys. I was worried that I was, but you assured me that I was not. Now, be assured that you are not.

I tell you when I dance,

and I tell you when I fall.

Both of these stories,

and all those in between,

are facts of a day, a life.

Susannah, I am glad that you hit the send button without anyone editing as everyone would edit differently. I think that your story needed to be yours. I don't have the emotion involved and I do believe the emotion was needed. THe only part that I wonder about is naming the person. Is it legal to name someone and their crime or is it defamation? (protecting the guilty). Otherwise, you told the facts with the emotion which makes it more compelling. Will the newspaper call you if it is going to be placed in the paper?

OH MY GOODNESS GREG, that is a tribute to Martin and to your soulful talent.

Goodnight all,

deep sleep with good visits

PS big storms in the Carolinas, are you okay Sonya? Do I have you in the correct state?

[mikesmum]

Tomorrow begins a long week of waiting…Ralph is scheduled for his PET scan on Friday…Thinking about it has me in a state of autonomy; speaking the words out loud sends me to the depths of heartbreak..  Somehow I make it to the next hour, and then to the next...struggling to keep myself in the moment…stay in the moment…and even as my mouth forms words to speak of something else, thoughts of this fright are racing through my brain and scraping my heart raw.  I cannot even imagine the unimaginable, and yet there it is, staring at me.  I want to scream, just like I did with Mike,  “FIX HIM! FIX HIM NOW!!!  WHAT ARE YOU ALL WAITING FOR?!?!”

But, instead, tomorrow I will wake up, go and pick up Sarah’s mom for a dr’s appt, then take her back home, bring Damon here, play, talk, read with him, fix his lunch, play some more, talk some more, take him home, come back home.  And during all of this, I will breathe, I will blink, my heart will beat, but I won’t feel any of that.  I am on auto-pilot.  Stay in the moment.

Carol - I'm with you 'FIX HIM FIX HIM NOW!'.  Taking one breath at a time, focussing on this minute till the next is good.  Doing the 'norm' with the grandies, Sarah's mum will fill the minutes and distract the mind.

As for the PET scan - well I worked in the that department.  Positron Emmission Tomography!  Never tired of hearing patients ask "is this where they take the CAT scans!!!! (PET scan, CATS, oh well I always laughed - went along way to breaking the ice...Thinking of you both.

Susannah - Giving voice to the confused innocence of your grandbabies so hard to do, you have done it well.  Those stories send chills through me, children are to be held and loved not scared and abused.  Stay strong, they need 'a new normal'.  I think a restraining order on Tina and a warning to the bio dad that if he consorts with her he will face the same.

Greg - Great news about the banner.  Hope your calling touches many.

[ethansmuffin]

Dearest BI family

It’s been a very very long time since I have visited the forum; and Yes I am still alive and well and on this journey with you special people - I have been so busy with all the projects we have started.

Circle of Care – the support group for bereaved parents is doing well – we recently had a “comfort clinic”, basically a workshop for bereaved parents and it was very successful – Thank you all so much for the birthday wishes on Ethan’s 16^th birthday – I knew you would not forget so I visit that evening and my heart just went warm with love for all of you -  I wrote this on Ethan’s 16th birthday to deliver it at the comfort clinic.

15 February 2010

Ethan’s 16th Birthday

I have made it to 16 months since the loss of our son and I had to take it minute by minute the first several months. When I could move past the minutes I took it day a by day. I know you feel like your life has ended and you want to wake up from this horrible nightmare.

This road is such an up and down journey a roller coaster ride. My sanity was my husband, friends and Hannelie – and corresponding and talking to other Bereaved Parents. 

Today -I have settled into a different mode of grief. It's not the sharp pain that I had after the fog lifted, or the sudden sobbing, Yes tears still fall from time to time and it always will, I think slowly I am  learning to cohabit with—Ethan being gone. 

Not one day goes by where I do not miss the presence of Ethan.

If people have a problem with "where I am" on this journey, frankly, that's their problem. Not mine. My only problem is the challenge of growing through this journey... of which on some days, sometimes weeks, I fail miserably, and on other days I feel quite victorious. The days of victory are becoming more and more, but it's taking a good deal of time, grace and patience with myself.

It is my honest and sincere hope, that out of the ashes, a new Johr family will evolved, although still severely broken, but determined to live our lives as best we could. Each of us understand that to survive we must live day to day, pray for strength and guidance, strive to help others, grieve individually, and work to keep the memory of Ethan alive.

To all parents new to this journey -I don't have any magic answers, but I do know that it is possible to live, and to laugh again -

It is my sincere  Hope, that with the grace of God all of us – can one day experience Life to its fullest again, although sweet and sad, full and yet incomplete, May comfort and peace find us in a way we never imagined possible..

Hang onto Hope; reach out for common understanding and friendship wherever you can find it and whenever you feel the need--because it can be a lifesaver! AND give yourself plenty of grace and patience for the journey.

 Warm greetings to all of you from Namibia

 Love

Enid (Ethansmuffin)

To my son:

Ethan, You brought depth to our lives, and you taught us so much; the true meaning of being a free spirit, how to laugh, how to cry, how to roll with it, how to be more patient, and most of all how to love unconditionally...

God blessed our lives and the world when he made you. We will forever love and cherish you for all that you were and all that you will infinitely be in our hearts and lives.

Thank you so much for choosing us, loving us, and being our Son….

 Your muffin

 

[nicksdad]

[hotrod]

                            DANNY

                      

 Betty

Stephen'smom

[ericasmom]

Today -I have settled into a different mode of grief. It's not the sharp pain that I had after the fog lifted, or the sudden sobbing, Yes tears still fall from time to time and it always will, I think slowly I am  learning to cohabit with—Ethan being gone.

So well said Enid, and it is exactly what so many of us find after many months/years of hard work, of finding grace within, is this living alongside our Losses, learning to hold hands and communicate with the spirit of those gone. God bless and thanks for sharing your beautiful Boy and your lovely heart with us. I am so glad that the Circle of Care is helping those in need. It is often in our losses that we find our direction and our strength. Ethan is smiling.

[ericasmom]

DANNY-Boy,

thoughts of you on this day and on each. Bless your family with messages and wonderment, letting them know that you are forever with them.

Peace to you,

dee

PS give Eri a hug from me.

[mikesmomrs]

Beautiful DANNY...memories of your wondrous, big smile and huge giving heart still live in the hearts of all those who knew you on this earth, as well as those who have come to know you since your passing...you will never be forgotten.  Please surround your loved ones, especially your beautiful momma, with your precious, sweet spirit today.

love and peace,  Carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

Enid:  So wonderful to sign on today and see your handsome Ethan's smile, and to hear from you that you are doing well and sharing so much of your life in his honor...your letter is beautiful, and those who you come in contact with you are richer for the gift of your efforts.  Thank you so much for sharing your son with us---it is always good to hear from you.

Trudi and Dee and all:  Thank you so much for your sweet words and reassurances...they mean so much and go so far in helping.  We will keep your thoughts close to us all this week, allowing them to give us strength to take one day at a time. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[hotrod]

Dear Caroland Ralph

I woke up this morning thnking of you both and said a prayer.  Today was the first day that I was able to see the new picture of Mike.  It is a great picture.  He looks so very happy.  It lights up the page.

Dee,Enjoy your week  Trudie I hope Mutley is behaving and winning everyone's heart and , Susannah , I hope you rested and are doing OK.

Sherry thinkng of you and the move  Hope the Blue Birds are still visiting.

Betsy and Mary Ann thinking of you this overcast morning

Beth I miss Zachy, hope your little daughter is doing better.

Dan and Greg  Your talents are awesome.  I appreciate your efforts.

Sonya, Marcia, Claudia, Rosiue, Cassandra, Kim, Colleen, Leah and all Indigos

thinking of you and praying for your peace.

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[ericasmom]

Carol, the sun shone out from a big old dark cloud when I started to read your messages today, so much like the words you speak, sunny, warm and nourishing. Our thoughts and prayers surround you and hold you close each day. Loving you.

Betty, I will enjoy the time off, looking forward to just hanging out, walking, bike ride hopefully in a few days, cleaning out the closet of winter wear and replacing with the spring/summer stuff that currently is packed away. Donate what I will never use again from both of those groups. WE'll see though, sometimes I say it and never do it.

I am preparing a Whole School Poetry Initiative for our return to school, so I have that to do. Basically I will write up prompts for the many spaces in hallways at our school. I will post the prompts and give instruction, and ask that the students and teachers try their hand at that kind of poetry and post them on the wall as they do. The whole school will blossom in poetry, or at-least that is my wish. April is National Poetry month.

be well everyone, find a moment in this day to listen to your heartbeat and know that it holds the love of your life.

dee

[Guest]

DANNY - FLY HIGH.  FLY FREE.  AND, FLY BY YOUR MOM AND FAMILY AND LET THEM KNOW YOU'RE OKAY.

Carol - you and Ralph are in my thoughts and prayers today. 

Enid - The words you write are powerful and well said. 

There is a no contact order against Tina with the girls (it doesn't include Jonathon) for five years.  However, unless she's changed, she doesn't care much about the law.  Neither does the kid's father. 

I am questioning my motives for pushing so hard to make this story public.  I'm not sure it's in the best interest of the children.  Am I pushing so hard because they put a woman getting a DUI on the front page, but made no mention of this?  Maybe it's because men perptrator's get sentenced to 20 years and she barely got her hands slapped.  Maybe it's because I feel cheated out of my right to speak at her sentencing.  All of those reasons are selfish.  I like to think it's because I want this story and her face out there so she will be afraid to even look in my kid's direction, and others will know to protect their children from her. 

Because the paper only allows 355 words, a lot of information is left out.  I'm hoping it will raise enough questions from the community that the news staff will be forced to do some research.  Quite frankly, I'd like to know the answers, myself, to why wasn't Dad charged.  What's Dad doing now.  Why didn't they make the sexual assault charge stick...etc...

You guys are the best!  I hope this story didn't throw you into a tail spin.  It's a hard story to hear.  Because of brief training, Gary and I knew to react calmly each time the kids revealed something new.  However, after they were at school or safely tucked in their beds, I was either on the phone yelling at the detective or investigatore or outsided, pacing, yelling at God or whomever the force is that I am slowly learning to trust.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

Dee - Woo Hoo!  Spring break!!  Yet, I can see you are busy "at work" anyway.  I wish all teachers were as committed to their students as you!

I'm not sure about the defamation of character part, because when the paper does an article, they print the person's name.  I think I'm going to call the paper and ask them. 

There is a cool breeze in the air.  It is supposed to get to the upper 60's today.  I caved, and allowed the kids to wear some of their new summer clothes to school.  The girls are in beautiful summer dresses with ribbons in their hair.  Jonathon is in a sleeveless shirt and shorts.  I made the girls wear an extra jacket and put an extra pair of pants (and jacket) in Jonathon's backpack. 

Thinking of those new to this journey and those old, but struggling.  My heart is one with yours.  Peace and love!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

OH DANNY BOY DANNY BOY SWEET DANNY BOY THINGING OF YOU TODAY ...YOU LIL INNOCENT ANGEL...

KODY GOT 2ND...HE SMOKED THEM..(THOUGH HE HAD 100.3 FEVER AND STILL DOES)..HE WAS AWESOME...

I HAVE DECIDED THANKS TO DEE AND OTHERS TO PUT TATTOO ON THE SHOULDER BLADE..(OUCHY)...AND HAVE DECIDED ON THIS PIC..OF JUST KOURTNEY

BLESS AND BE BLESSED

RALPH YOU SHOW EM HOW AWESOMELY HEALTHY YOU ARE TODAY...PRAYING FOR YOU

[hotsauce]

Danny  Danny  Danny, saying your name, on your specail day.

spend a lot of love to your mom and family.

[hotsauce]

Dear BI friends,

i hope everyone had a good weekend.

the weather is rotten, but we really don't have a say on what it will be.

i am so proud of you all being able to open up and say what you feel, i only wished i could. it is so hard for me. 

best of the day to you all.

love and hugs\mary ann

BRIAN'S momdukes

[Guest]

Lorri - I love the picture you chose of Kourtney to have tatoo'd on your shoulder. 

Carol - Still holding space for you and Ralph.

Kathy - I hope you are okay.

Well, much to my relief, the paper isn't printing the story about Tina.  I am surprised I feel relieved about it.  The editor said there is no way to print this story and still protect the "victims" identity.  I am grateful for his wisdom.  Truth be told, I think it was all just selfish on my part...

Also, I just got off the phone with Family Services.  The case worker cancelled the visits with Dad and she and I are going to confront him tomorrow to find out what his "deal" is. 

I need a nap, now, from all the worrying. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[suzytou]

I am out of work for 2 weeks because my blood pressure is too high. I am not taking care of myself. I am smoking again. I am drinking too much wine. I am not exercising. I just don't know how to live with this sadness every day.  Every morning I wake up and it takes a second to register and it is like a heavy dark cloak falls on my head. "oh, i remember, Andrew is gone".  I don't know how to do this. I just don't know.  My doctor told me to take a vacation; which sounds nice, but we maxed out the credit card on Andrew's funeral. The people at work say I should keep working; because it creates little bits of time when I don't think about this. My husband thinks cleaning out Andrew's room helps.  We  have a dumpster in the driveway and his equipment  on the front lawn "in case someone can use it".  I can not bear to look out the front window. Andrew's life on the front lawn. I feel so sad and at times so angry and with Andrew I was patient and happy and I used to laugh with him..  I don't recognize what I am becoming. People say crap like he is running and talking in heaven and he would want this and that...and it is all crap. They don't know. I don't know. ARGH

Susan

Mom to Andrew and so completely lost

[Guest]

Just stay here with us, Susan. 

[hotrod]

Dear Susan

You are in the right place.  We all know only too well , the very painful place where you are today. I remember the anger  , extreme sadness, the need to act, the need not to do anything, fighting every suggestion any one made because my world had ended and nothing would fix it!!! 

Please be very, very gentle with yourself.  Yes you had all the patience and love in the world  for your wonderful son  Andrew and miss him and his life terribly.  Try to just take it a moment at a time.  Breath, try to rest and come here often and share what you are thinking and feeling.   It helps. 

The journey is difficult but you are not alone and we will walk with you holding your hand

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[bjsmom]

Susannah, just read through a few pages & read your story to the editor. I cannot explain in writing just how furious it makes me when I hear of stories of child abuse of any kind. For right now, and especially since Tina will be released soon, you must make it a priority to protect your grandchildren from the ones who would hurt them, this includes the father. Does he claim to know of the abuse, was he ever present when this happened? Child abuse had Never stopped the newspapers or media from printing these types of stories before, but they will make sure to protect the victims names if they are minors. Of course you want to get this story out, you want to make sure this person is known for what she has done. Sounds like someone dropped the ball by dropping the charges. Unbelievable that our justice system protects the criminals better than the victims, especially the children. What happens when the father no longer has supervised visits, can he take them anywhere & surround them with anyone?

Deneace (BjsMom)

[andrewsmother]

Dear Susan

 

I only post once in a while because I simply don’t have much time, but after reading your post I felt a strong urge to reach out to you.  I too lost my son recently, and his name is Andrew as well, my son died at the age of 19 in a car accident on December 19^th, 2009.  It has been a little over 3 months now.  What you are going through is the most painful thing a person would ever have to endure, it hurts like hell.  I cried all my waking hours for about a month, right now, I cry every day, but not every hour.  The hardest thing for me was the shock period, those first few weeks where every morning came as a shock, for a few seconds while still half asleep I didn’t remember, and then the SHOCK again.  Or if for a brief minute I thought of something else, I would get the SHOCK once I went back to my normal thinking.  I had to go back to work 3 weeks after Andrew died, the first few weeks were hell, I thought I would have to quit, now I find that work is therapy for me, weekends are still horrible, but while at work I have to concentrate on other things besides Andrew’s death.  I went and are still going through a phase where I needed to search and find out about life after death.  I must have read more than 20 books about near death experiences, life after death and reincarnation, its become an obsession for me.  Some days are better than others, it’s a rollercoaster ride for me.  I have found some things that help me, first of all this website, just talking about your child with others who understand is comforting, we will never tire of hearing of your boy.  I also go to the Compassionate Friends support group, however, they only meet once a month, so in between Beyond Indigo is my therapy, I don’t always post, but read just about daily.  I also talk about my son to everyone, and as I open up to people I keep learning of others who have also lost children, (I work at a bank so I meet many different people).  My life has changed drastically, I am a different person, I like to think a better person, out of this horrible tragedy some wonderful things have happened, my other son Chris has changed so much and is so much more mature and loving child.  My ex-husband and I have become friends after 16 years of having a barely civilized relationship; he is the only other person that truly understands me.  I now know who is worth keeping and who is not, and more importantly than anything else, without any doubt, I now believe in God, and I believe my son is with his true Father.  Right now nothing is going to make you feel better, and that’s ok, you will reach each milestone at your own pace and at your own time, but it does get a tiny little bit easier with time.  This is something we will have to live with for the rest of our lives, as one of the ladies at Compassionate Friends says you learn to coexist between the love and the loss.  I am and will always be the mother of two children, one is physically here and one is in another realm, I talk to my son, I talk about my son and I feel my son with me every second of every day, he is as much with me now as he was before, as he lives in my heart now and always.  I feel Andrew sometimes, there are certain moments I have no doubts he is present with us.  There is one very important thing that keeps me going, I know if Andrew could say one thing to me right now he would say “Mom, please take care of my brother, you need to be okay for him”, I have no doubt of that, and that is my daily motivation to get out of bed.  You are so very very early in your grief right now that maybe some of this might not make sense.  Please know all these wonderful people have been through what you are going through right now.  No one said life was fair, and those of us here have been dealt our share of unfairness.  Please know you are not alone, come here often and vent.  Cry as much as you need to, crying is healing and forget what others tell you you should do, no one can walk in our shoes unless they have.  Feel your pain and cry for your baby boy as much as you need to, there is no shortcut to our pain and this journey, you can’t go around it, you have to go through it, but we are here for you, to go through it with you and to help you along.

 

Take care of yourself

Love

Rosie, Andrew’s mother

[bjsmom]

Rosie, it did my soul good to see your posted message. There are times & moments that I slip in my faith & in my life. You made me remember...

Deneace (BjsMom)

[mikesmum]

Woke this morning to such wisdom from those who travel this journey.

Hang onto Hope; reach out for common understanding and friendship wherever you can find it and whenever you feel the need--because it can be a lifesaver! AND give yourself plenty of grace and patience for the journey.

Enid - Love the face of your boy Ethan, quietly confident looking as they do straight down the lens.  The Circle of Care sounds brilliant...I sometimes think that's what we have here - an all encompassing Circle of Compassion and Care.

Dan - As always brilliant reflections of another angel. (Happy Birthday)

Betty - Love your pic for Danny too.  Enjoy your day, hopefully the weather is warming up.

Dee - Passing the passion for words, for expression to the upcoming generations - love it.   Will be interesting to see how the perceive things and express themselves.

I am questioning my motives for pushing so hard to make this story public. 

Susannah - The motives might start out shaky. If your speaking out can protect your grandies and perhaps highlight this issue so that other children can be spared it might be that some good can come from something so bad.   Here you can supress your name on a letter to the editor.  I would write down the questions you want answered and only tick them off when you get an answer that makes sense....Good luck with child services re: bio dad....Have a picture in my mind of girls in cotton dresses, hair brushed with ribbons and boys grinning ear to ear wearing new clothes....finding sunshine where you can

I don't recognize what I am becoming. People say crap like he is running and talking in heaven and he would want this and that...and it is all crap. They don't know. I don't know. ARGH

Susan - What you are is the loving parent of a boy you wrapped your life around who has now gone....Its hard.  Every thing, clearing out rooms, removing belonging serves to remind us our babies have gone. 

You are right, no ones 'knows' - for me I have to, in my heart, believe Mike now walks straight and tall without the surgeries, spinal blocks and drugs to keep him painfree.  To do otherwise would destroy whatever is left of me.  Take your time and only do what you can  handle.  There is no time limit to this journey - here you will find people get where you are. 

Cry as much as you need to, crying is healing and forget what others tell you you should do, no one can walk in our shoes unless they have.  Feel your pain and cry for your baby boy as much as you need to, there is no shortcut to our pain and this journey, you can’t go around it, you have to go through it, but we are here for you, to go through it with you and to help you along.

Rosie - So true.  Words of wisdom from one who knows and continues to face battles with strength...

Carol - Hope all goes well with Sarah's mum.   Hey to Ralph, keep the faith guys!

Kathy - Know you are there somewhere - hoping you have found someone to support you these days to deal with BJ. 

Marcia - Missing your smiling girls face here....hope your okay.

Danny's mum - Hoping the memories of your boy bring a smile to your face and a warmth to your heart......

Bonnie - Hoping you made it home okay.  Your words for your dad, from the heart of one who knows.

Muttley is off for 'intensive' training.  I need to have him 'stay' when I walk away out of sight.  He also needs to learn to walk with people in wheelchairs and frames without being afraid.....Once we finish that its 'latte' time at the Bakery - you are all welcome.