Loss of an Adult Child

[shanesmom]

hello, to all that have started this journey, that no one wants, I know how hard the holidays are with-out your child, it was seven years since shane was taken, finally I can say my husband and my-self had a nice thanksgiving, our other sos and his wife, had twin girls on oct. 23, they are preemies, but doing well, and beautiful, it is wonder-full having new life in our family, shane will always be missed, and loved , till we meet again, so there is hope for all of you.

[Artina]

Thank you for lighting our way...

Peace to all, Tina

[mamabets]

For Mom2angels- Not to be funny, but we are really cranking now that you are here-!!! We will never let you go and will follow you to the ends of the earth!! You will make believers of us all, so let us all try to jump on the train here!!! I need your e-mail and will be happy to send you some photos that I have of my miracles. He has left the Beyond Indigo logo twice here- It is on our driveway and on the sidewalk in front of our house- The larger one appeared before I joined here and the little one appeared last week- They really shine during the rain and they never disappear- They are so very magical- The logo between Beyond and indigo- Actually, the indigo's "i"- Be well all, we are all on this journey together- My Danny was born on Halloween and due on Halloween- Remember- He can wiggle the nose, I think!! I love you all and for tonight, will try to rest easy knowing that our team of angels are all together rooting for their winning team here... God willing--- Peace- xoxo mamabets

[mamabets]

For Mom2angels- My Danny's hearts appear all of the time- Tonight, for example, I took a steak out of some foil and there was a bit of juice in the foil- It made it's way to the counter- A perfect little heart- I got the camera going!! xoxo mamabets

[kathy714]

Dear Jaysdad,i understand about the signs,because the night my son Nathan crossed over, i was on the computer all night,for some reason i couldn't sleep, about 1am my computer starting doing strange things,it kept shutting down and a message kept coming on the screen saying"There is a problem with communications,do you wish to stay online,"I remember thinking what is going on here,It did this from 1am to 5 am and i remember at one point thinking ,where is Nate,and then i remembered he was staying at a friends house.MY son was found on his birthday in a bank parking lot,after leaving a small bar with some guy he didn't know.He was suppose to be gone for just a short time while his friend cleaned up and closed up the bar ,she tried calling Nate at 12:30 but he never answered his cell phone.His death cert says cause of death and time of death "unknown".I always wonder was that Nate trying to communcate with me that night.My computer has never done it sense....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Rhonda,i know how you feel ,i am having a really hard time,i have no desire to put up a tree,and i always loved to decorate,if it wasn't for my other son and my grandaughter,i wouldn't.My son keeps pushing me to do for Cadence[my grandaughter]He also said,Mom,you know Nate wouldn't want you sad on Christmas.From the time Nathan was little every Christmas Eve,after i would finish wrapping and putting out all the presents,Nate would sneak out and steal presents from under the tree,Iwould say "Nathan get back in bed " this would go on all night ,and in the morning there would be all wrapping paper at the end of his bed.Someone said it will be interesting to see if i hear him running out to the tree this year! Also I love your poem!! T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[ashleysmom]

I really believe I was being prepared before Ashley died. There were so many signs that, at the time, I couldn't see, but now looking back, they were there. In February of 2004, we went to Florida as a family. I insisted that we fly, because Ashley had never flown. I also called this "our last family vacation" at the time because I felt the girls had boyfriends and we may never get to go away again just the four of us. As it turned out, it was our last family vacation. The whole month of June 2004, I had a dreadful feeling deep within me that I was going to bury my husband. I spent the month really worried with the feeling of impending doom. Then on July 2nd, my last day at work (I was taking the summer off to spend with my family) my Ashley charm broke off my necklace. It was one of those little people charms with her birthstone. It broke off at the neck. (Ashley died instantly from a broken neck). At the time I was working, so I put the charm in my pocket and moved another of my charms into it's place, never looking to see which one, just balancing the necklace. Ashley died on the fourth and when I got back from the accident scene, I remembered the incident and looked at my necklace. There in Ashley's spot was an angel. There were just so many "signs". If only....

But how are we supposed to know, who would even think they could lose their child. I just feel I was being prepared and the last year of Ashley's life here on earth was her best. I will be forever grateful for that.

[mamabets]

For Kathy714- My Danny pranks with the computer all the time since his passing- I feel that it is one of my strongest connections to him!! Once the understanding of this "other dimension" that they are on is clear, the computer can and will become a strong link to them. It is, as my friend calls it, a "Listen to the messages" kind of thing- I see so many messages from him on the computer- Just look at how we have all connected here? If we all ever got into a room together, I bet that the stories and connections among us would be truly amazing...xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Ashleysmom- I can not begin to tell you how the couple of months, in particular, so tried to prepare me for losing him. I can not deny all that happened, and I now can peacefully call it my "final dance" with Danny, and how we danced it so perfectly together... We even laughed until we cried... xoxomamabets

[daveydow1]

Jaysdad,

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Jay. I hope

you come back to BI and read/post whenever you can. We here,

all know your pain and sorrow. Peace be with you.

Julsmom and Donosmom,

I am the same as you this year in regards to the Christmas

season, and all the parties, gatherings, etc. that goes

with it. I am just not up to it anymore. I am content to

just leave it all to everyone else who has the will to do

all the preparations, decorations, etc. One sm. fiber optic

tree (24 in. tall), and a manger scene is all I do anymore.

Peace to all.

In regards to things happening before a child passes over, I

had one happen to me when my husband and I was walking in the

parking lot of a restaurant. I walked in front of the cab of

a tractor-trailer rig parked in the lot (without the trailer).

As I walked in front of this truck, it was so huge, and I looked

up at it and said to my husband "image how this would injure a

person who was hit by it". This was on a Tues. or Wed. and on

the following Sat. our dear son David was killed by just such

a truck. (driver fell asleep at the wheel & ran over Dave's car)

I feel that was an eerie omen of what was to come. Thanks for

all your posts. I am grateful for all my friends here at BI.

Peace to all.

[kathy714]

Dear Ashleysmom,i know what you mean,i always had a strange feeling with Nathan too,mather of fact Nate and i also took a trip to FLA.,April2004,just him and I,we had such a great time ,

i even said a couple times during the vacation,this trip has been perfect,everything we had planned went so well,we rented a car to drive down the west coast,and our car wasn't ready,so they gave us a spider eclipse convertable for same price,it was almost like God knew are time together was going to be short,ALSO i always had a feeling something was going to happen to Nate,and i use to have panic attacks if he was due home or if i didn't hear from him,and it was getting late.I think i am babbling but anyway i do know what you meanT/C Kathy Nate's mom

[mamabets]

For Kathy714- You and Nate went to Florida in April of 2004... I, too, was with my Danny in Florida in April of 2004- It was, what I refer to now, as my "final dance" with him, as it was when we played out our lives together perfectly together, having not a clue what the night of June 15, 2004 had in store for us. He was hit by a semi on a lonely highway in Lutz, Florida. I needed to see your post today- Thanks for sharing, as I do believe that they are now all together, our Beyond Indigo babies...!! xoxo mamabets

[mom2angels]

Hi & {{{HUGS}}} to everyone~

I seem to be drawn to Beyond Indigo more than I ever have been in the 2 1/2 years since Michael's passing. I'm reading all over the website, reading past posts on this forum and others, jotting down the titles and authors of books mentioned, and praying frequently for peace and comfort for everyone who finds themselves here searching for it.

Every day, I walk our dog on the greenbelt behind our house. My small stretch of nature, where I never tire of the views of the trees, birds flitting from fence to grass to tree top, and listening to their songs. This is my only "exercise," fresh air, and 15 minutes of daily sunshine, as I need to be close to my son, Jonathan at all times.

This little patch is one of my sacred spaces. This is where I pray for healing for my children, and where I communicate with Michael. I often stand upon a knoll and gaze at the sky, looking at cloud formations for messages from Michael.

Today, I started out going the other direction and returned toward the knoll. The sky was crystal blue, except for a wispy looking formation, which I could glimpse through the trees ahead of me. When I reached the knoll, I recognized the cloud immediately.

On the sky's pallette, a solitary cloud in the shape of the Beyond Indigo "I" logo. Mamabets, you had just mentioned the logos that Danny has left you the other day, and I thought of you immediately.

Today is the 30th of the month, and that is always an emotional day for me, every month. Michael sent me that cloud today to remind me that he is with me, always available to me, and I feel that he is letting me know that Beyond Indigo is a place for me to be now.

My thoughts are with you all. I wish I could make this journey easier for every one of us who are travelling it. Please remember to take good care of yourself.

Blessings to all~

Love & LIght,

Roslyn

[mamabets]

For mom2angels- How wonderful, Ros!!! The "I"- logo!! I have 2 of them here, one on the driveway and the other on the front walk- I just put one of the photos in the mail yesterday to a Beyond Indigo dad, and I told his wife about doing so tonight, so she would keep her eyes open when the mail gets there in the next few days!!! xoxo- What a miracle!! Do you carry a camera?? I have mine loaded always!! Thanks for sharing and what a place our angels must be sharing... xoxomamabets

[jajjaaj]

Hello all,

A friend received a flyer for a camp for children who have lost somone close to them. The camp is free and deals directly with death. From what I could see, the age range is 7 to 17. I mailed in an application for My youngest 12-year old daughter. You can find Camp Comfort at www.comfortzonecamp.org. They also have others in our position you can talk to and ask questions. What a wonderful idea!

Hugs,

Cyndi

[mattsdad]

OKAY--Here goes...

I have not responded for about 2 weeks but I have been reading all entries.

First, I am sorry to see we have a few new members over the past few weeks. But, they all should know that they are among friends who are all in the same boat. We have all lost, not only a child, but a part of our selves; our souls.

I might not outwardly cry, but I die a little bit each day privately.

Nearly 4 months into our journey without Matthew and each day gets harder rather than easier. Not ONE minute passes without my brain aching in remembrance of Matthew.

Like a lot of us, my relationship with my son was not always perfect---far from it... We fought like cats and dogs sometimes...But I HOPE that through all of our trials Matthew knew that I only wanted the best for him and our family.

I cry nightly and wish that we could have been just a little bit closer. Rather than being the DAD that always corrected, I wish I could have been the DAD that loved and understood his problems.

I hope that he would understand that while I was a demanding father, I can only hope that Matthew knew I wanted him to be the best he could be.

He just came up a little short. AND SO DID I!!!

We will all(my family) never forget Matthew and all he had to offer this world. That silly grin, his concern for other people not as lucky as us, his strange sense of humor, his giggle, his hair gel (that he would over-use)etc...

P.S.

I was given the double whammy yesterday by an aquaintence who said that "Time heals all wounds" and "You will get over this in time". Well pardon my French, but this is B.S. I know she meant well, but better not to say anything , than say the wrong thing. While I appreciated her concern, the comments were made by someone who, I hope, never knows what we endure every day.

So, before I get negative, I had better go.

Fondly to all,

Jeff

[mattsdad]

MAMABETS--

So good to see you back....I was starting to get worried about you.

Thought it was something we said (LOL)....

Any new pictures????

Send them to byrde55@go.com

Love,

Jeff

[briansdad]

I wanted to invite all who are interested in attending The Bereaved Parents National Meeting in St Louis.This will be my first but I've been told that past meetings were very helpful in our journey.Here is a link with informmation.

http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/BP_Gathering.htm

God bless you all.

[Mazey2]

Lynda,in response to your question- This will be my 4th year without my Son. I think each year is different from the other and always will be. I don't think we can expect a year to ever be "really okay",but as time goes on we learn survival skills....

This year we have my daughter's new baby to enjoy, and I want her to have the joyous feeling that CHristmas should be, each year. My kids loved Christmas, even when they were adults(it makes the holiday harder now, of course without Chad)I still have alot of fragile times, I call them! At least this year so far, I haven't had to leave a store after listening to some tender Christmas songs...But, same as Artina(we are close in our journey)we have "learned" survival skills, and appreciate the joy of sharing with our loved ones who are here. It is hard to "push" ourselves sometimes to LIVE.....it's not even "to live on.....but to live still...."

I came to this site a few weeks after Chad died and it helped me more than any one thing at the beginning. Knowing from others I could still live.....and I was "okay/normal" however I felt or however I dealt...

I still read at least a couple times a week, and sometimes post. There are some I know here from the past.....Kathy(Micheal's Mom) I just found an old email from Jan/04...from you. I have met and still email several, and it helps beyond words. SO, for those who are newly into this "life" my heart aches for you....

Holiday time is so very difficult/PAINFUL and lasts for so long..from THanksgiving on till Christmas is over..then New Year. Peace, love of others, and being good to yourself(often protecting yourself...)wished to you all.......

Sharing......Linda

[julsmom]

Linda thanks for the response. I know I will have better days which outweigh what I call my overwhelming days, but as we all know this is a hard time of the year. For my family that is also coupled with Julie's birthday which is the 15 of this month. So while there were no big tears yesterday I spent a lot of the time sighing since her 30th b-day would be in 2 weeks. I also know that some times it is the days leading up to the event that are harder rather than the event itself.

May we all find peace, Lynda

[Mazey2]

Lynda, you are so right..the days leading up are full of thoughts...we have these "anniversary" dates that begin their grip on us days/weeks before. I am always so glad when they are OVER!!! Be good to yourself....Linda

[runnersmom]

To Mamabets:

Regarding the “signs” we look back and see,

I have not shared this before, but it fits ………A week before the accident, Steven and Lauren (my son and his fiancé) were at our house and Lauren (who was only 20) jokingly reminded Steven – ‘….. in 3 years you’ll be 30!’ Without a hesitation, he replied “I’ll never be 30.” We all laughed at the time because he was “forever young” in that he still loved Christmas lights, rescued stray animals, and would never admit he believed in Santa Claus for years after his friends tried to convince him otherwise.

Just 8 days later, he and Lauren were gone.

No, he’ll never be 30.

To “Mattsdad”

Seven months have gone by for me(how is it possible?). I seem to cry every day, not the meltdowns that were frequent at the 3-4 month period, but tears just the same. Your “double whammy” must have been so hard for you - There is no excuse but ignorance for the tactless comments of people who, hopefully, will never have to face what we do. On a good day, I can bear their comments without responding; on other days I may try for a moment to explain there is a difference between recovery and adaptation. Just because we continue to breathe and walk and function at a basic level should not be mistaken for recovery. For us, the world is changed in such a fundamental way that most people cannot comprehend it. On a bad day I just have to get away from everyone…sometimes just in my own mind and sometimes physically take a walk or a drive; and, finally, sleep will come and another day will go by.

I am consoled by a few things – this site is one of them. Knowing my Steven was the happiest he had ever been in his life, loved passionately and was loved in return, and will never know the heartbreak and pain I live with now is some comfort. All I ever wished for my children was that they be happy and loved.

Thanks to Beyond Indigo for having this place. It is a much needed refuge in a sad and painful world.

[kathy714]

Dear Runnersmom,i know how you feel next month will be a year on Jan 31st and i still feel like it happened yesterday,i stll keep hoping Nathan will come walking through the door ,or that i will wake up and Nathan will be ok,and i can hug him and say OMG what a bad dream i had!!!.But unfortunatly i don't think any of that is going to happen.Iam trying so hard to get into the holiday,for my other son and my grandaughter,but it is really tough.T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[lostgrievingsister]

Hello everyone... it has been awhile since I have been here... I didn't lose a child, but I lost my brother. I came here once because no one is really in the loss of a sibling chat room and I just needed to understand. I thought that by talking to anyone who new what it is like to lose someone so suddenly that you love so much... I might be able to get through my tragedy. Anyway I wanted to see how all of you are doing. Especially those who were so kind to me. I hope that you all are finding some kind of peace. However with my brothers birthday just days away and my life falling apart daily more and more I am not so well. But anyway thanks again for everything to those who gave me a moment of their time so last year.

Susan Michael's sister

[Artina]

Runnersmom,

Well said. I agree with you so much. I too have some refuge in knowing that I did my very best to convey my love to my son and to ensure his happiness. I know that he knows that his mommy loved him and that he was very important to me... I tried to show him that everyday of his life. That keeps me sane.

Peace to you, Tina

[lostgrievingsister]

Dear Matt's Dad,

I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. If you need to talk my email is lostgrievigsister@yahoo.com. I don't know if you remember me but you helped me alot once and I just hope that there is something I can do for you.

Susan Michael's sister

[Artina]

Susan- Michael's sister,

Thank you for asking how we are doing. We struggle everyday, but put our best foot forward for our surviving children. I'm sorry that you are having a difficult time. Birthdays are very difficult to loved ones. What do you plan to do on Michael's Birthday? We usually celebrate it by eating some of his favorite foods and making some kind of a contribution, either financially or volunteering at a non-profit, in his honor.

My living son struggles too, but he doesn't say too much. I wish that he would. Just today he said, "I remember when Chris would come into my room Christmas morning and tell me it's time to get up". I stay silent in hopes that he will share more. But, he just says what he needs to- that's fine too. As a parent, it hurts to know that my living child hurts too. Do you talk to your mom?

If you don't mind, can you tell us about your brother and what you've been doing to help your grief?

Peace to you, Tina

[lostgrievingsister]

Tina,

Your response means so very much to me... Thank you.

I am not doing anything for my brothers birthday but grieving, no one in my family wants to do anything or really aknowledge it. I wish they would.

I grieve for my brother daily who died in a tragic car accident March 29 2004 he was only 24. I don't have anyone really to talk to it's to hard for my mom and recently my sister and I have parted ways... I have health problems and depression from my loss and just pray that someday maybe one or the other will get better. I can't get any grief counseling or the medication or surgery I need for my health problems. I lost my job eight months ago and haven't been able to get another due to health problems and the inablility to get out of bed most days for both reasons... sorry I am going on I will leave at that.

Peace to you to Tina. I am so sorry that you lost your son Chris... I can only imagine what you must go through.

Susan

[runnersmom]

Susan -

I hope you can find some help for your depression - it will go a long way towards helping you cope. I would hug you if I were there, so I am sending hugs your way (()) and hope you can sense some of the caring everyone on this site is feeling for you. My 22 year old son does not talk at all about how he is dealing with our loss - I hope some day he will open up, even a little bit, as you have by coming to BI.

I am back on the Board tonight sooner than I would normally be - I have a dear friend who basically kept me sane after my son's accident because she had lost a 34 yr. old daughter just six months earlier - we would get together when we could (about six weeks into this journey, she called just to say "you are not crazy, you may feel like you are, but you are not" - and that had been exactly how I was feeling) She knew, she had been there. We met originally because her son and mine were friends - after high school they went different ways, her boy joined the Marines, his lifelong dream. This morning I found out he was one of the group killed in Iraq 2 days ago.....I drove to her home and just held her for as long as I could. No one should have to be that strong, not once but twice.

Please keep her and her family in your prayers tonight.

[lostgrievingsister]

Runnersmom,

Thank you... especially for the sentiment of the hugs. I wish there was someone here like you... I am so sorry to hear about your friend and her son (and daughter how horrible)... my surviving brother got back from Iraq six months ago. I couldn't imagine if we had lost him to. For her to lose another child is so tragic. I will remember them in my prayers... even though I don't know their names. I hope that her family finds some peace and that they can get through this tragedy that has just occurred. I also hope that you and your son can find some peace and that your son finds someone to talk to. The hardest part of losing a sibling is not having them to cry to about your pain... having no one to lean on or understand. Feeling like you can't talk to your family because you may cause them more pain or make them cry. I miss my brother every day especially now with his birthday only two days away...

(()) Hugs back to you and your friend... thank you

Susan Michael's sister

[griffinsmom]

Dear Runnersmom,i know how you feel next month will be a year on Jan 31st and i still feel like it happened yesterday,i stll keep hoping Nathan will come walking through the door ,or that i will wake up and Nathan will be ok,and i can hug him and say OMG what a bad dream i had!!!.But unfortunatly i don't think any of that is going to happen.Iam trying so hard to get into the holiday,for my other son and my grandaughter,but it is really tough.T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

January 1 will be Griffins one year, and I , too feel it was just yesterday. I am also waiting for him to walk through the door, Im doing the holidays for Gianna & Griffin, as he would want me to do this for her.....I have been crying for days, I refuse to accept this as true. Its like, my mind goes there like sticking your toe in a pool to test the water- then it retracts- my mind just wont go there. I was "glad" to read you are experiencing this too...It is really bad. The TCF candle lighting ceremony is in a week. Good luck to everyone this holiday season- and I feel the urge to say- try for the remaining children. They deserve a holiday season- it dosent have to be total elation- but you know? I hear people at meetings and various places, and I feel the surviving children really suffer so much. Personally, I am going to tell myself that Griffin would want me to give this to his sister, every year, as best I can. There will always be the sadness and the loss- I dont believe I will ever be happy to the core again, I will always miss my Griffin. But, I will always try- cqause I know that he would be upset if I didnt at least try. (I ranted...sorry)

[mom2angels]

{{{Jeff~Matt’s dad}}} Four months is such a brief time, and now perhaps some of the numbness is wearing off, and the harsher reality is settling in. It does, and it will, get more difficult as time passes, until you reach a point where some of that raw, constant pain subsides a bit. I’ve found that a crucial part of my healing process has been allowing myself to feel the pain and to grieve when and how I’ve needed to grieve.

I’m sure that Matthew knows how much you love him, and understands now why you parented him the way that you did. It’s natural for all of us, I think, to beat ourselves up and ponder the “what ifs” and “If only I would haves.” But that road leads nowhere, and you need to move forward in order to heal. When your mind goes there, try to remember all the things you did right for Matthew, and know that he loves you for those things and for all those things you wish you had done.

Your aquaintance’s comments are typical of well meaning, but completely clueless, people, who just want to find some way to offer you comfort, and don’t want to imagine that losing your child isn’t something that you eventually recover from or “get over.” I’m fairly positive that no one, whose child has died, would say these things to another grieving parent. And that is what I’ve used to help defray my frustration with folks, who say these kinds of things to me. I just tell them kindly that I appreciate their attempt at comforting me, but that this wound will never fully heal, and I’ll go on, but I will never get over my son’s death.

I am so very sorry for your loss. May God grant you peace and comfort.

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[Artina]

Tina,

Your response means so very much to me... Thank you.

I am not doing anything for my brothers birthday but grieving, no one in my family wants to do anything or really aknowledge it. I wish they would.

I grieve for my brother daily who died in a tragic car accident March 29 2004 he was only 24. I don't have anyone really to talk to it's to hard for my mom and recently my sister and I have parted ways... I have health problems and depression from my loss and just pray that someday maybe one or the other will get better. I can't get any grief counseling or the medication or surgery I need for my health problems. I lost my job eight months ago and haven't been able to get another due to health problems and the inablility to get out of bed most days for both reasons... sorry I am going on I will leave at that.

Peace to you to Tina. I am so sorry that you lost your son Chris... I can only imagine what you must go through.

Susan

Susan,

I hope that you continue to converse on this site. As parents, it's nice to have a sibling talk about what they need from us (parents). I also think that it would be good for you, since you feel so alone on your grief journey. One of the healthiest steps you can take is to talk about your brother, your needs and your feelings.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Griffinsmom,

It is true for me too- Chris would want nothing more from me than to be a good mom to his brother. January is a tough month for me too (4). I will be thinking about you as you approach Griffins one year Angel Day (1). These days are never easy- as I am sure you are fully aware. I have found that the days leading up to, and the days following, are equally as tuff- just to give you a heads up. Good friends and family can help keep you busy and support you through it- maybe you could ask them, a head of time, to set a side some time for you. It would be nice if they would do this on their own, but I have found that well meaning people don't know what to do- so asking them is a good idea. Again, my prayers and hugs to you as you approach January and Christmas.

Peace to you, Tina

[maskott]

Julsmom...I sent you an email...so please check if you havent.

[julsmom]

Runnersmom - please give your friend hugs from all of us. I know of a couple of folks who post here who have lost 2 children. One child is hard enough but 2 or more, I cannot imagine.

Maskott - got email - see my reply. Peace.

Peace to all, Lynda

[mamabets]

For Mattsdad- Hello my friends!! Please do not ever think that you could ever say anything that would keep me from trying to help you and anyone else through this. Jackie got married on November 19th, and I was so, so sick with the flu for the entire week that followed. Better now, but find myself just waiting for the next series of fearful days/sleepless nights to find me. I don't know if the holidays are any different than any other time- But, like Tina said, the days leading up to and the days following a once special time, as in the holidays, are harder. Once you know for certain that there will never be any rhyme or reason to forever, as we now know it to be, there seems to be a willingness that takes over in our everyday lives- A willingness to do nothing but go with the flow. With time, the shock starts to wear off and the reality hits harder than before- To know this and to understand it, helps to prepare for it- You will find that people here quote from your heart every time you turn around. I will say something to a loved one about how I am feeling, and before I know it, the exact words appear here. To try to accept that there is absolutely no getting around it, makes it somewhat more tolerable. I fell apart the other day, buried my head in my hands, and was so painfully aware of how many tears were falling- I said to Dean that night- "I would move mountains, if I could for my kids, and I am now crying a river for Danny". It comes, and it goes- When it seems to subside some, I have such hope- Hope that the extreme level of this pain will be gone- But, it returns- Just not as often, and it clearly doesn't stay as long. I am one that believes in medicine, if it helps, and my doctors have started me on a whole new regime. Fingers crossed, for this battle started in 1997 when I became aware that my Danny had been taking steroids and his father and stepmother knew it, and lied about it. Keep coming here to talk, know that you will forever be understood, and remember that I am only a phone call away!! xoxomamabets

[lostgrievingsister]

Tina,

Thank you again I can use anyone to talk to that I can find... My brother was an amazing person and father to two boys. He was a very strong determined and outgoing young man. I was so very proud of him. He was amazing... I don't really have anyone to talk to because my sister is one that keeps it all to herself and is very private. My mom just cries everytime we talk about what happened. I have alot of guilt and anger with myself... I was supposed to be driving to work at the time he was killed but I woke up with a horrible migraine and called in to work... The other girl in my office called me at home to tell me that my mom was trying to reach me and that it was important. I will never forget when I got the news and the feeling that it should have been me and not him... if I had gone to work that day would my brother still be here and me be in that small box filled with ashes??? Was it supposed to be me and I cheated death and he paid for it??? He had a new baby and a great job and a new car and just got approved for a home loan... everything in his life was coming together and in an instant he was ripped away. I feel so bad for all the things I never said to him and all the times I wasn't there for him... I moved to another state to be with my sister (who hasn't spoken to me in two months) and left him behind. I didn't make it back home for two years until the day he died. I was on the first flight when I heard. Maybe I hoped if I got there quickly he would still be there... Anyway enough for now.

I also wanted to say if anyone has a problem with me writing on this forum please tell me and I will stop... I don't want to offend or upset any of you. You have been through more than enough already...

Susan Michael's sister

[rhonda68]

Help! I am feeling so down again and with Christmas comming and everything. People all around me are being quite cruel. I got a letter from a friend that said I just need a kick in the ass. I am having all kinds of trouble with my relationship. The guy I am with says I am just talking non sense and he hasnt been very communicative he is throwing lots of temper tantrums. He told me I just need to be happy. I feel my world is really falling apart and I would just like to take a bunch of pills and go to sleep and be with my son. I dont think I can fight this battle much longer. I am really feeling hopeless and helpless. Love you guys your my only hope.

Richards Mom

[mom2angels]

{{{{{{Rhonda68}}}}}}

Hold on tight to your faith right now, and don't do anything that can't be undone. You have a 16 year old child who needs you, and no doubt many others who need you and love you, and who would be devastated if you chose to leave them to be with Richard. Imagine the pain and guilt you would leave them with if you take those pills and go to sleep forever. You cannot do that, dear.

What would Richard want you to do? Would he want you to hold on and go on? Would he ask you to be strong for his sake?

You Mother's Heart is shattered into millions of pieces, and although right now it seems so terribly overwhelming, and it is terribly overwhelming, you will find the strength to get through this moment, this hour, this day and then find the strength to do that again tomorrow. Gradually, each broken piece of your heart will be less jagged, and you will begin to refit those pieces into a new shape for your heart to hold.

If you must, for your own sanity and safety, distance yourself from those who are hurting you, with their lack of understanding for your immense pain, then do so. Tell them that you need your space. Richard is not their son; they are not his mom. They can't possibly understand what you are going through right now.

It is difficult for those who care about us to see us in deep sorrow and despair. They want us to snap out of it, because they don't know how to deal with our grief. It may be unreasonable for us to expect others to understand our grief, but it's not unreasonable to expect others to demonstrate sincere compassion toward us. When others are not supportive, you have to find ways to be your own support system.

Is there a Compassionate Friends group near you, so that you could meet with other parents who know what you are experiencing? Would counseling or therapy be beneficial to you?

When I've been overwhelmed as you are now, I pray mightly for comfort and peace. And, now as part of my day, I continually repeat this simple prayer: Lord, grant me peace and comfort. Amen. Take a deep breath with me now, Rhonda, and let it out, and speak these words, "Lord, grant me peace and comfort. Amen." Again, breathe in and out slowly, and say these words, "Lord, grant me peace and comfort."

Let's keep that prayer going, until you feel its calming effects. Take care of yourself. Wrap yourself in a warm blanket, drink a cup of tea, listen to some soothing music, and rest your weary soul for a few minutes every day.

When I finish this message to you, I will light a candle for you in my son's room, and I will lift you up in prayer for healing and ask that Richard make his presence very known to you to bring you that desperately needed comfort and peace.

God Bless You~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[Artina]

Rhonda68,

I agree with Roslyn with all my heart. You are needed in life... death comes to us all. Ask for help from those who have the ability to help- a support group or a one on one with a therapist. Friends are great, but only if they are unconditional and can give you what you need. As Roslyn said; only a mother who has lost her child could understand your deep pain and those around you who want to give you a "kick in the ???" are not the support you need right now. Give yourself permission to slow down and let your Spirit rest.

Love and energy to you,

Tina

[Artina]

Lostgrievingsister,

You are not the blame of your brother's death. It doesn't matter who was on the road, or who was supposed to be on the road, that accident was an accident. The last thing that your brother would want is for you to blame yourself. As a mother, I can tell you that your mother doesn't want you to blame yourself either. Grief is difficult enough for families to deal with after the loss of a loved one, but guilt adds a dark pit to the process. If you can come to terms with your guilt, and let it go for your brother's sake, than I believe that you will be able to start a healthy grieving process. Guilt is a feeling that keeps us in space and time- it's hard to move forward with guilt holding you back. Intention is something that you should ask yourself- did you intend for your brother to have an accident- NO you didn't. Therefor, it was not your fault. It is clear that you love your brother and would have changed places with him that day- but that does not mean that you are responsible for the accident. Let the guilt go and embrace your grief without guilt... each day will take you further from the intense pain you have been feeling for over two years.

Peace to you, Tina

[lostgrievingsister]

Tina,

You are probably right, but it is still very difficult at the same time... I just want him back so badly and yes I would change places with him in a minute... just as so many other people would if they could who have lost someone. Life is so complicated... I wish that I could find some peace. I wish that I could let the guilt go and move on. I am sure that some day I will be able to but until then maybe I can "embrace the grief without guilt" Thank you for being here and being such a great person...

Susan Michael's sister

[lostgrievingsister]

Rhonda68

Please don't give up and hurt yourself... I am sure no one wants that. I know from experience that until someone has felt such a horrible loss and pain and the grief that they are clueless to the pain... You grieve and do what has to be done for you... Maybe she needs a good kick in the ass... Hold on I am here if you need someone to talk to my email is lostgrievingsister@yahoo.com

Hang in there I don't want you to hurt yourself or fall asleep forever. My stepfather did just that after my brother was killed in an accident. He took alot of pills and never woke up and his living son feels cheated and unloved and as if he didn't matter... he feels like he wasn't enough for his father to live for and that he didn't care about him.

May you find some Peace and hold on.

Susan Michael's sister

[kathy714]

Dear Rhonda,i understand how you are feeling,i felt that way alot right after losing Nathan,but than i started thinking about my other son,my husband and my grandaughter,and how i would miss them,and how they would miss me.Unfortunantly this is the path god laid for me and i will have to wait out my time until i can be with Nate again,but not on my terms, on god's terms.I didn't really plan to celebrate Christmas,i have been so down,but my other son is helping,by pushing me.He said mom do it for the baby,so today we went and cut down trees,and i actually enjoyed myself.I plan to decorate my tree different this year,because it will be to hard to take out my old decorations,so i am doing all blue and silver[or clear]BLUE for how i feel and the silver is for my tears. T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Griffinsmom,it is nice to hear from you,i hope you are ok,i know it is close to your angel date too,Nathan's birthday and angel date is both Jan 31st,i am planning to take that week off from work,because i know i am going to be a basket case ...Well take care hope you come back to visit us again soon,Kathy,Nate's mom.

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Rhonda 68

Its hard for me to counsel another grieving parent against just taking a bunch of pills and going to sleep, as I feel that way myself at times, but when I am feeling that way, I go and visit with Carrie and Matthew. I talk to them, tell them how I'm feeling, and listen....sometimes I can hear them, they tell me that they are fine, and that they are waiting for me to come with them, but that they are not in a hurry to seem me there. The time for them is so different than it is for us. Years are but a blink of an eye. Then they tell me that if I'm gone, who will be here to tell others about us. To keep their memories alive in others. I hope that this is of some help to you, and that maybe it will help you get through this tough time of the year.

Your friend Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[lostgrievingsister]

To All

I am sure that you all know how birthdays can be so can you please remember my mother today... It would have been my brothers 26 birthday... he has been gone for a year and a half, I know that she is having a very bad day. She is just keeping quiet and not talking to anyone about it except for the tears and "it's just so hard and not fair". Any advice on what I can do for her or say. I know that I have to put my feelings aside and help her but I don't know how.

Susan Michael's sister

[alice24]

Just being there for you mom will help, but letting her cry and be alone for a while maybe just what she needs. My girls got me out of the house on my birthday and helped me take my mind off of things. Try taking her to lunch or just walking outside.

My son's 1st angel day is Sunday. This week is so hard. Everyone in the family is on edge and finding it hard to function. Prays are going to be the only thing to get us through this terrible week of anticipation. God please help us.

[Artina]

Lostgrievingsister,

My good friends have supported me by saying something like- "I know that today is a hard day for you, but I want you to know that I am here for you". I know that your brother's birthday is equally as difficult for you- thus, maybe just a phone call and acknowledgement of the day is enough...

Peace to you, Tina