Loss of an Adult Child

[runnersmom]

Scotti - I have been reading these boards for months, but have not written before today. It is so helpful to hear from these compassionate people who have been down this painful road we now find ourselves on. I saw myself in your post and wanted to tell you so many things - you are stronger than you know, you have to be to stay alive; you\'re rambling does not mean you are not in your right mind, it only seems like it because the world goes on as if nothing has changed and for you (for all of us) everything has changed;

My 27 yr. old son died in a boating accident six months ago. On a clear and beautiful day he took his fiance out on our boat because they both loved fishing and the outdoors; something happened, the boat sank and he and his fiance died that day - her body was recovered, but his was never found. I found myself dealing with things I had never conceived of and one constant thought was that there was nothing I could do to change what happened, I could only go on from there, try to console my husband and meet 2 people who in another life would have been in-laws and now needed all the support I could give.

If you are on a timeline of grief similar to mine, you may become more emotional as time goes on; because it will never make sense, and I have to agree with one writer (I have read so many, I cannot keep the names in my head, only the feelings) who said there is no "recovery", no "getting over it" , there is this different life we lead now.

I hope you continue to look to these boards and other resources to find that there are those who can help you (I never knew there were so many - I think I've started to learn a lot of things I never knew before).

Just make it through today and know that you are stronger than you think you are.

[Artina]

Runnersmom,

I am sorry for your loss. I think that we all look at ourselves and are amazed that we have survived such a painful loss. Each day brings a new window. I am glad that you decided to post.

Peace to you, Tina

[missingchris]

I don't post much anymore, don't find that I have alot to say. I just wanted to let everyone know that I think of you , and wish all of you a moment of peace.

Chris's Mom

[aprilsmom]

We have missed you Chris's mom. You lost him 3 months before we lost April; tell me, are things at least becoming more manageable for you at all? My friend that lost his 18 yr. old son said it got worse and worse for the 1st year and a half and he cried everyday for 3 years. I KNOW it's not the same for everyone; my crying jags come in spurts that almost knock me out and then I seem to manage ok for a few days, then I go from crazy to angry, upside down and inside out. Yes, you're right, things will never be the same but I just read somewhere, "His death was such a waste, but his life sure wasn't". Take Care. And Griffinsmom- you've been away too long too!!

[daveydow1]

Teacher1,

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you will return and

read or post whenever you feel up to it. We here at BI

all understand your pain since we are all on the same

road of sorrow, hoping to find our ways, and helping each

other as best we can. Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Runnersmom,

I am sorry to learn of your loss. I pray that you can find

the strength to go one day at a time, as it sometimes takes

us to survive. Be kind to yourself, and do whatever helps you.

Peace be with you.

[mamabets]

For all of my friends here, there and everywhere... I love you and thank you for all of your hopes and prayers today for all of us that love and soooooo miss my Danny. He shared his life with so many by giving with his heart... Thank you for loving him too. For my newcomers here, I ache for you as your painful journey begins, but let me assure you. In the wake of such tragedy, the hope and love that you need to survive will be found between the pages of the stories here. And, with any luck, you will come to believe that this is their joy- The rewards that you are giving back to our angels- They too are on a journey with us removed from a life as they once knew it. Follow your inner voice, because your inner voice belongs to them. Thanks again and let the stars above be reminded that they did a GREAT job today!!! xoxomamabets

[kathy714]

DearTeacher 1,i am so sorry for the recent loss of your son,and hope you return to BI,i find the people and support here helps me on a daily bases,not a day goes by that i don't at least come on to read the post.I to lost my son last Jan.31st 2005,on his 21st birthday ,Nathan was found in a bank parking lot ,the M.E. states cause of death was hypothermia,r/t alcohlol intoxication,we have yet seen the report,they told us it would take at least 9 monthes.Everyone grieves differently and on different time lines ,maybe the reason you have not really cried alot yet could be because you are still in shock,i still find it hard to believe my son is no longer here with us.Iremember right after losing Nate i went into nurse role and was consoling everyone around me,instead of crying myself,i didn't want to feel and didn't want to believe,but in time that feeling of shock slowly wears off,and you will start to believe and you will start to feel and that is when you will start to cry.Artina always says just take it one day,or one minute at a time...you will be in my prayers..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Runnersmom ,i am so sorry for the loss of your son,i hope you continue to post on B.I.,the people here are so kind and supportive.I discovered this site in feb. and it has helped me deal with this whole new life i am now living,and this painful journey that we all are traveling down...Iwill say a prayer for you,your family and your son's girlfriend's family,my heart goes out to you all...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

I woke up today after working all night and was feeling so sad not to have Nate here on Halloween,i took the dog[Nate's dog] for a walk.I ran into some neighbors with there kids all dressed for halloween,i stopped talked awhile,then continued on my way ,feeling even worst,missing Nate even more,Ithought to myself ,i wish i would find a penny so i would know Nate was with me.I got back home and thought "Oh well no penny". Then i looked down near my back door sure enough there it was ,a shinny new penny,i picked it up and thought OMG Nate you are with me...[i never knew about the penny,until i read it the other day on BI.]T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabetts,just a note to say ,you and Danny were in my thoughts and prayers today [10/31] T/C Kathy,Nate's mom.

[mamabets]

For Kathy714- God Bless You as you search and find some kind of peace... There are fabulous penny stories here and the "Pennies From Heaven" poem really got something rolling- Here, there and everywhere!!! Rest easy tonight and know that you and Nate are, too, close to my heart always. xoxoxomamabets

[danielsmom]

Kathy, I am so happy you found a penny yesterday. On my birthday this past Sept. I found 10 pennies at work,at different times during the day,I even found four of them in the garbage can at my desk. What a big Happy Birthday from Daniel.On my daughter's wedding day my husband found one in the car,Daniels way of telling us he was with us.

Mamabets,my thoughts were with you yesterday. I couldn't plant a pansy,too cold for that. Last weekend I planted tulip bulbs in memory of Daniel,and when they bloom in the spring, they will bloom for all of our children.

Take care

Danielsmom

Daniel Garndmaison

Nov.20 1985- April 17 2005

[maskott]

Teacher1...just wanted to let you know that your not crying is not unusual. I was beginning to think I was horrible for not crying as much as I thought I should. People were also saying how strong I was. I think there is a numbness that is in you the first few weeks...months...but when that wears off, you will remember certain things...and cry. This morning, for example, I cried for two hours. I saw Matthew's face in front of me my whole ride to work. You don't cry on days you feel you should but sob on days that have no particular meaning. Keep reading posts and asking questions and you will find out that, surprisingly, you are no different than a lot of people on this site. I'm so sorry for you loss. It seems harder when you have a special bond like you had with your son. Use the people here to help you through this horrendous time.

BettyAnn

[teacher1]

This is the first I've been able to get here today--it's lunctime and I didn't call in sick yet, but I am making sure I have enough lesson plans to make it easier on a substitute.

So much sadness here, yet it is so helpful to know that we are not alone. There's strength in numbers as well as safety, I guess.

My son Matt lived in Independence,MO. He lived all of his life in the mountains so this was quite a difference for him. He loved Mo and Ka.

This site is truly wonderful--so much compassion and caring and one can gain strength from everyone else no matter how long or short the posts are.

Bless everyone today as we all take one breath at a time and travel onward.

Scotti

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Runnersmom, I'm sorry you suffer such a loss. As sorry as I am that none of my feeble words here can help to do much in consoling you, I've come to learn that this is a very endearing place for my soul. There is no comforting answer for the question of why. There is a realization that with time this gets a little less painful. Take the moment, the hour, the minute, and make as much as you can with it. When you hurt too much to keep going in the daily world, take the day for yourself. This is about you, and about your sorrow. Be gentle and kind to yourself, and allow those little things that you enjoy, so you can still have a small smile once in a while.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you, for the comfort your heart needs. We are all here to listen and help you with your journey.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

I am writing to thank those of you who sent the notes on my IM and the emails. My wife was hospitalized and in a near coma state for almost a week. This is an intentional step in treating her dystrophy. We need to wait a little while to see how the treatment will work for her.

If anyone has an idea of calming the fears of my girls, who fear being raped as Jenni was, I would greatly appreciate any assistance. You all know how much I love my children, and I want to calm their fears of what this monster did to their sister.

Take care everyone, and God bless you all. You are the greatest!

[jajjaaj]

Hello everyone,

Thank you so much for your replies. I haven't really been able to jump in and help others and I'm so sorry. The last 2 weeks have been especially difficult as Nov 3rd will be one year since I lost my baby girl to Pancreatic Cancer. My oldest son is really having a tough time. All the big kids went out to dinner to celebrate his birthday and he last saw April around 12:30 am. She passed away just hours later in her apartment. He is not in much of a celebrating mood and has been keeping to him self for most of the day. He is 28 today. I think it hurts more to watch my children hurt. They have always been so close and have always considered each other best friends. If they had a choice of spending the day with friends or with their siblings, they would choose their sibs. They have lots of close friends, but just enjoy the company of one another. I'm dealing with anxiety attacks and know they will subside when the year anniversary is over. The kids have been sticking together for the last couple of weeks. I haven't heard them talk about anything inparticular, but I can tell by how they are acting. I took my youngest daughter to the dentist to have a cavity filled. 2 of my sons were with me. When my daughter came out crying, she had told the dentist that it hurt. He told her to stop her crying that she was a big girl and it didn't hurt that much. So he proceeded on. When her brothers saw her crying they went back into the office to have a little talk with the dentist. I ran ahead, went into the door and talked to the dentist myself. My oldest didn't like it that I shut the door behind me. But I know my boys, they would have been in there yelling at the dentist for hurting their sister. Needless to say the dentist wasn't very nice and made it out like Amanda was being a baby. She has never reacted to the dentist like that before, even with getting her braces. So we will be looking for another dentist. Arrrggg, rambling... hate when I do that. Just wanted you to know I'm so glad I found this site. I enjoy reading your posts and hope that soon I can be there for you all.

April's Mom,

Cyndi

[Artina]

Cyndi,

The last thing that you need to worry about is supporting us or anybody else right now. It's okay to ramble, vent, or just read- you don't need to worry about anything else. Beyond Indigo takes care of itself- please continue to ramble and vent all you want.

I think your family sounds very supportive... and I too would seek out another dentist. I have had my day with a few bad dentist and let me tell you what, a good one makes all the difference in the world.

Peace to you, Tina

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Cindi, I think you can be proud of your boys for trying to protect their sister. While it may be a little embarassing and stressful, the close bond your family shares will carry you when so many people let you all down. As for that excuse of a dentist, I live by a little "code of ethics" that nobody has the right to cause mental, physical, or sexual suffering upon another. Nobody. You needn't apologize for writing, or rambling. Just tell us what is on your heart in any old way it wants to come out on the page. We know what you mean, and we understand everything you say. My thoughts are with you, and a little prayer too. Have a good nyt. Mark

[kathy714]

Dear Alwaysmyjennifer,i am so sorry to hear about your wife,somehow i missed your post about it.I will keep her in my prayers.Advice about your daughters,thats a tough one,i think i would just reasure them,that what happened to tour Jennifer was a different time and place and that you are there for them,and will do everything you can to keep them safe,also encourge them to talk about their fears,talking about it helps to relieve fear,most fear comes from not understanding.T/C Kathy,Nates mom.

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Friends,

Its been a while since i posted, but its going to be three years tomorrow that my daughter CarrieAnn left me, and this world. It seems like only yesterday.

As each hour goes by, I feel more and more like it just happend. I heard a song on the radio this morning on the way to work, it says it better than I can.

When you cried, I wiped away your tears, when you screamed, I chased away your fears, I held your hand for all these years, now your gone....I love you, Carrie Ann..

[teacher1]

This is a new morning--it's a glorious autumn day here. I am trying to enjoy it.

I brought Matt's ashes home lst night. I thought it would be so hard. Actually it was a blessing. I know they are not really him, but as I drove home I felt him so near. I even stopped in the library and got a book. I got so much comfort there, the staff are all friends of mine.They all enjoyed Matt,too.

Now, I am waiting for my ex to come out here and help scatter Matt's ashes. In the meantime Matt is home for awhile.

My thoughts and prayers go out to all of you who are struggling today with anniversaries, birthdays etc. of their beloved children.

This site is amazing. I thank God I found it.

Try to find some small joy today everyone.

scotti

[mamabets]

For All- I had a dream last night about a penny...I love you- mamabetsxo

[mamabets]

For Teacher1- Always know that your baby will be right next to you ,by your side, taking care of his mama and making sure that you will always believe in him, knowing that one day you will be with him again... In his time, not ours. I tried to join my son after he passed- Big NO-NO!!!! I have had a rough few days- But, this morning when I opened my eyes, I looked out the "window above the window" in my bedroom, and like you, was greeted by the colors of the leaves on the trees. So, we are all connected here and you will never walk this walk alone. xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Heartbrokendad-The song..."Immortal", I think...I will think of you all day today and I will pray that you will somehow find your way through all of this. Life is so unfair, but I go where I am always told that our kids will never know this pain that we will now know forever. That somehow helps for the moment, and then I crawl into bed with my puppy dogs, cry and fall asleep. If only I could wave the magic wand for all of us, I would. "Home Sweet Home" by Cathie Ryan is playing in the backround here now... Know that they are all in a home that we are all trying to one day get to. My future son-in-law said that once... God Bless You, Stu~ xoxomamabets

[heartbrokendad]

Mamabets,

Thank you, I didnt hear the name of the song, just heard the words, and I cried all the way to work, thats nothing new however.

I will be at the grave with her, and Matthew, and play Carrie singing "take my breath away" on my boom box....

[julsmom]

Stu - you will be in my thoughts today. I hope all goes well and you find peace. Lynda

[mamabets]

For Stu- It is Evanessence that sings "My Immortal"- Perhaps some meaning behind all of this pain- xomamabets

[Artina]

Stu,

You are also in my thoughts and prayers.

That song brings tears to my eyes too. In fact, when I hear it I can't help but cry... the words are powerful.

Peace to you, Tina

[rhonda68]

Dear Stu I am thinking of you! I also looked up the lyrics to the song you were talking about. They make alot of sense to us.

EVANESCENCE LYRICS

"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

All of me

You used to captivate me

By your resonating light

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunts

My once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away

All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along reply

I love all of you dont know what I would do with out you!

Richards Mom Oct 9,1985 - February 23,2005

[heartbrokendad]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

Only here can I cry and hear others doing the same thing, it is so moving to me that you all care...

[kathy714]

Dear Stu,you will be in my thoughts and prayers today,i so know what you mean,when you say the more time that passes ,the more that it feels like yesterday,that our loved ones left!!!T/C Kathy,Nates mom

[robertsmom]

Brokenheartedad

My thoughts and prayers are with you as your Angel Day approaches. I don't post much at all but read everyday. I needed to respond to you as reading the lyrics to the song you heard today. We played that very song at my son Robert's viewing. A friend of Robert's made a CD with numerous songs, but that one really hit home.

Once again my prayers will be with you tomorrow.

Jeanene

[kirksdad]

Stu, that song has to be one of my favorites. I hope your day goes well, it is so hard. You are in my thoughts. Jim

[ashleysmom]

Stu, Thinking of you today. I hope you can find comfort in some of your memories together. I wish you peace. God bless, Dottie

[jajjaaj]

Today is the day. Although, this day has been building up for several weeks. So strange that one year has gone by. It feels like yesterday, yet the pain feels like a life time. April was such a beautiful girl, she was still priming her wings to take flight to save a falling world. It was her hope and dream since she was just a little thing. After tumultuous teen age years and finally into college, she called to tell me how much she appreciated how I raised her and how I stuck with her and loved her during a rough time. She felt she would not have made it without me. She was so happy with her choice of a future and so happy that she could do for others. Yet... she is gone... taken by a disease she was unaware she had. The coroner told me she had pancreatic cancer and the artery feeding the cancer burst, he said she bled to death in a matter of a few minutes. Now that I know more about the disease I'm grateful she did not die a painful death, on the other hand I so wish I knew, I would have been there to fight PC with her. I hate that she died on a cold floor all alone, I've been there for her every step of the way, always told her I would be there when she needed me.... and I wasn't. I did not keep my promise. April, you were everything a parent wanted and more. You were strong, you stuck for the underdog, you stood up to bullies no matter how big or how many, your laugh was contagious, your smile lit up a room. Many said that if they were having a bad day just your smile made their whole day better. April had character traits I could only dream of. I'm writing here as this is for those who have lost adult children, yet she was my baby, my child. I use to miss the little girl starting school with all her confidence and strong will. Now I am missing the young woman and all that she wanted to accomplish. The pain will never go away, I will never be the same with the missing puzzle piece of my heart. I am bawling as I write these words. The world seems so black, so different. I will die broken hearted.

[rhonda68]

Dear Stu and jajjaaj you both are in my thoughts a prayers today!

Song Lyrics by Kenney Chesney

Sunny days seem to hurt the most

Wear the pain like a heavy coat

I feel you everywhere I go

See your smile, I see your face

I hear you laughing in the rain

Still can't believe your gone

(Chorus:)

It ain't fair you died to young

Like a story that had just begun

But death tore the pages all away

God knows how I miss you

All the hell that I've been through

Just knowing, no one could take your place

Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today

Would you see the world

Would you chase your dreams

Settle down with a family

I wonder what would you name your babies

Someday's the sky's so blue

I feel like I can talk to you

And I know it might sound crazy

(Chorus)

Today [3x]

Today [3x]

Sunny days seem to hurt the most

I wear the pain like a heavy coat

The only thing that gives me hope

Is I know, I'll see you again someday

Someday, someday

RichardsMom

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Jajjaal

I know how you feel, Carrie died alone also, I only saw the pictures of her death, as I couldnt go there when they told me...I regret that still today, and that picture of her sitting alone on her couch will be in my mind forever. I, like you, feel I failed both of my children, it will never be the same as it was before nov 3, 2002. My life, like the lives of all of us here, has changed forever. May we all find some peace someday, mine wont come till I'm with them.

I love you CarrieAnn, and miss you more than I can express.

[Artina]

Jajjaal,

Your daughter sounds like a wonderful person... I know today will be difficult for you- as will the days that follow. Be easy on yourself.

Peace to you, Tina

[mamabets]

For Donosmom, Mary... I am thinking about you today , Mary... Bless you and know that you have been on my mind all day.xoxomamabets xo

[mamabets]

For Jajjall- With love and prayers as you painfully get through this and every day.... I am thinking of you and please know that all of us are here for you.xoxomamabets

[aprilsmom]

Dear jajjajj, Ah, you had an April too! My profile above the message box tells a little about our April. Our one year is on the 17th. Did yours love November and the rain as well??? Take Care another aprilsmom

[rhonda68]

Hello I was so sad the other day when everyone was talking about signs from there children and pennies from heaven as I havent had to much of those signs and I hadnt even found a penny lately. Today I was washing clothes when I put the load into the dryer there it sat a shiny penny. Later on this afternoon I took a load out of the washing machine and there sat another shiny penny. When I went to wash the table off before supper there on the table sat another shiny penny. I am so excited!

Richards Mom

[mamabets]

For Rhonda68- I have not a clue why, but whenever I see anything that comes in threes, I often feel that it is our angels saying "1-I, 2-Love 3-You"- I think that Richard was telling you that with the 3 pennies!! xoxomamabets

[aprilsmom]

Hi Betsy, hey I know who Dr. Amen is; have all his books, what did I miss? Is he into ADC's. Wow, I knew I loved him. You didn't send the pics, did ya forget? How did the wedding music turn out??? Take Care, Renee

[maskott]

I know this has been said many times but it's getting harder, not easier. On November 7 it will be Matthew's 3 month date. I find myself crying more now than I did before. I'm so tired and drained all the time. I don't want to think which sometimes makes work difficult. Had to go to the doctor yesterday because my blood pressure is sky high. I know the stress I'm under is causing it and I also know that this stress is not going away so I better get medicine to help it go down until I can get myself back on track and lose some weight and exercise. The problem is-I'm still so tired and drained. Thanks for listening...I just had to say something.

BettyAnn

[Artina]

BettyAnn,

The first year is full of daily painful tears... it's good that you talk about your pain and allow us to support you. It took a good year and a couple of months before I started to see my "daily painful tears" letting up. Three months is still very fresh and very difficult.

Peace to you, Tina

[rhonda68]

Dear Betyann what we have gone through is a very hard thing to deal with. I cant imagine anything worse. I am still having a very difficult time and it has been just a little over 8 months I miss him so much. My heart is broken! Let yourself have alot of rest and be good to yourself.

Yesterday I was emailed from a friend...She said this has been a long time you need to get back to the old you...another friend said you need to be strong..they just dont get this they dont understand God help them if they ever had to go through anything. People make me so mad they have their family they have money ya maybe I would feel good to if I had all of those things. Why is it that one guy gets all the problems of the world and the other guy has no problems. ( I dont get it ) sorry for going on I am just so angry.

Dear Maskott thank you for the I Love You from heaven statement, that made me feel so good. Only here do people truly understand my pain.

Thinking about all of you,

Richards Mom

[rhonda68]

Sorry to my earlier post ( I Love You statement) from mamabets.