Loss of an Adult Child

[danielsmom]

Janeyd, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my son Daniel this past April 17th,and I am also dealing with all of the firsts.Daniel's 20th birthday is on Nov,20th,and I am not sure what to do on that day.I know that Christmas will also be extremely hard,I think that I just have to do what feels right and not worry about what others think I should do.

Please take care of yourself

Wendy

[julsmom]

To all who are new, I am sorry for your recent losses. My 27 y/o daughter died 10/13/03 in a one crash. As for Christmas, I was determined not to celebrate, but our son who was 29 at the time, said when he came home (he lives out of state) he would help his Dad buy a tree. So we did, with few decorations. Last year was a little better and I was able to do more. Remember to take time for yourselves and to do only what you want. Peace, Lynda

[rhonda68]

Dear Danielsmom I lost my son Richard february 23,2005 his birthay was on thanksgiving Sunday he also would have been 20. I got through that okay we had turkey dinner went to his grave wrote messages on ballons and let them go in the air. Later on we had cake and a couple of his friends came over. The following Friday my 16 year old son was in a bad car accident but he escaped without any injuries now since that week I have not been able to cope. Everything has really gotten to me. Last night I went out to his grave and I cried and cried I felt so bad he was out there in the cold and the dark. I dont know how I am going to survive this I am starting to wonder if I will ever feel better. I will be thinking of you on the comming days!

Richards Mom

[rmcaggiano]

Hello, I haven't written in a very long time, I'm Nicholas' mom, I lost him on Mother's Day of this year, it's been six months and I miss him so much, I hope all of you will be o.k. with these holidays coming up. My Nicholas has carved our turkey since he was 14 yrs. old. He is now 21. My two girls miss him so. I do know how all of you feel, it't more gut-wrenching everyday, I don't see too much happiness down the road, I'm not sure if there is.

Rose

[jajjaaj]

Hi All,

With the holiday's looming over us like a mountain lion stalking it prey, it's safe to say that the holiday's will not be funzzie's. Last year, it was a mere 3 weeks after April passed away that we were "celebrating" Thanks Giving. I can't say, by even a long shot, that I felt very thankful. Not to mention April moved into her apt 2 days before passing and was paid up till the end of the month. We had to have all her things packed by the end of that month and moved. I wasn't ready to pack her things. Days after Thanks Giving, my youngest son was turning 16. So much for sweet 16.

There were so many good ideas posted on how to handle the holidays. Wish I could have seen this for me last year. But definitely will apply several of those situations mentioned for this year. Even with one year (the absolute worse) behind me, I'm still not looking forward to spending time with anyone other than my husband and children. I know other family members mean well, but as many of you said, it's too hard to watch all the happy people having a party when you certainly don't feel like partying. I didn't want to put up a tree or do anything festive last year. My surviving children did. So I told them, they could do all they wanted. I know they were seeking normalcy, even with all the chaos. So they did the decorating and such. And I actually enjoyed watching them.

This is a club I would never think of joining, but none of us would. Yet here we are. Now we are facing all those cheery people that will want to tell us that we should be happy this time of year. They really think that since time has passed (no matter how little or how much), our hearts have too. For all of us, this is not true. The pain of losing our children is excruciating minute by minute, day after day. I keep waiting for the day that it doesn't hurt so much. How much can one take without passing out for good? It is difficult when you wake up in the morning thinking of your baby and go to sleep at night thinking of your baby. Yes, they may have been grown, but they are still our babies.

When a stranger asks me how many children I have, I always say 5. Because I gave birth to her, I raised her and she still is my child. Of course many questions come after. “Where are they, or what do they do?” And you know when you say, "She passed away", they look at you like you deflated their day. They are always quick to leave your presence like you have the plague. For others who experience family members not discussing your baby and avoiding it all together, they just figure if you don't talk about it, then the pain will go away… you’ll forget about it. They seem to be upset when you mention your child’s name or even when you relate a funny story concerning your child. Guess I'll be ruining a lot of peoples days, because I will never pretend April did not exist or that I didn't love her or that she did not change my life with her being. Even my husband said I should stop thinking about it because it makes me feel worse. It makes things worse when my child who was so important and loved by me is not allowed to be discussed. I know he thought he was helping me, but it doesn’t.

I like that I can come here and hear about the love you have for your children, how important they were to you, the things they did that stood out in your lives. These are kids who made a difference for someone somewhere. And even with our children gone, they still matter and are still worth remembering, even if it hurts…. and I know this is a safe place where no one will be offended of hearing about our days without our babies.

Make the holiday’s what you want them to be, with of course, exception to the little kids. If there are those who want to push you into doing something, smile and be firm and continue what is best for you.

April’s very heartbroken mom,

Cyndi

[mamabets]

For All~ I don't really know what to make of the holidays coming up. With Jackie and Julia now living in Chicago, I think that it is fair to say that my hubby and I will just float. It is a stressful time of the year, and I really don't do well in crowds. Who does, especially now? I will try to just get through, and I will be sure to visit all of you alot. As for our new losses, there are no words. Know that we will all help you as much as we can. This has been a wonderful thing for all of us, while in the throws of this pain. My son Danny left me and his loved ones in June of 2004. It remains to be completely surreal, to this day~ a painful, ongoing case of heartache that I don't expect will ever leave this troubled heart. With time, howvere, I am finding that the level of pain lessens some, and I do know that Danny will never have to suffer like this. Peace, love and hope to al...mamabets xo

[daveydow1]

Maskott, Runnersmom, and all,

I read your posts about people not remembering (or at least not

acknowleging) the anniversary, angel dates, of our children who

left this earth too soon. It is very hurtful, I agree. Even those

who are close to us forget. It just is not that important a date

to them after awhile, I guess. I can understand that the day could

never be as important to other people as it is to us, but it almost

seems as though they get to the point where they can forget that

our child ever existed. It shouldn't be this way, but sadly, it

seems to be the way it is in a lot of cases. I don't know the answer

to any of it. I just mourn in private. As someone said, we are

expected to be "jolly" and have the holiday spirit, and get over it.

They just don't get.---Unless it happened to them, how could they?

Peace to everyone.

[kathy714]

Hi All,i have not been able to post lately,i have been keeping myself busy working,and planning a baby shower for my niece[her mom passed in 2001,she is like a daughter to me],the shower is Sat.Keeping busy has taken my mind off the holiday's,and has helped with my depression[for this week],i'm sure after Saturday,i will sink like a rock.I still have been reading the post every night at work,i just wanted to post,and to say you are all in my thoughts and prayers,during this very differcult time of year.I still can't believe soon it will be thanksgiving,then Christmas,then Jan 31st,Nathan's birthday and 1 year anniversary...T/C Kathy, Nates mom

[danielsmom]

Rhonda68,I am so sorry for your loss.I know what you mean about ever feeling better again,we go about our daily lifes,but the pain is always there and I know it will never go away.Thank you for letting me know that Richard's brithday was not so bad. I like the balloon idea.I have always been a bit if a worrier.but ever since the accident,whenever my husband or daughter are late I start to panic.I just relive the police at my door.I see from your post that you are also from Canada,what province are you from?Please take care of

yourself

Wendy

Danielsmom

[teacher1]

It has been one month toady since Matt died of his injuries.

I wrote the following today-wish it could have been more positive--maybe sometime in the future I will be.

Have you ever heard a mother

Wailing for her son?

For those who say,"Be at peace-

his work on earth is done."

You have never heard a mother

Wailing for her son.

Hopefully peace will come for all of us.

Blessings,

Scotti

[maskott]

Scotti...my heart and prayers are with you today. Just try to get through each minute at a time. My one month without Matthew wasn't too bad...I think I was still numb. I sobbed two days after is 1 month. The next 2 were bad for me especially the 3 month. Take time for yourself and cry if you need to. We all know what you are going through. Wish we could make it easier for you.

BettyAnn

[rhonda68]

Dear Wendy I am from Alberta. Do you live in canada too? Oh I hope you live close I would so much like to get together with another parent in person. I am feeling really low today. I had a dream about Richard last night and it was from the earlier days when teachers use to complain about him not paying attention in class it was because of his adhd but teachers do not seem to understand. What a waist of time dealing with teachers. I am feeling really angry about some of the past today. I got the feeling Richard was mad at me or something I tried to do the best for him I really did. Why cant I just have a good dream about Richard?

Dear Kathy I am happy you have some distractions right now. I think of you often as our boys were taken from us about the same time and way way too young!

Love to everyone,

Richards Mom

[runnersmom]

For Rhonda68 (Richard's Mom) -

I had many of those same run-ins with teachers, as my Steven was adhd. So many people are quick to criticize how we deal with those youngsters, but only someone who lived with them 24/7 could know what it's like. It seemed everyone had to complain about my son or have suggestions about how to handle him(I had to travel by air when he was 2, and put a a harness and tether on him after losing him through the baggage return at the first airport - people who obviously never dealt with the speed and ingenuity of a 2-yr-old with adhd accused me of child abuse).

It was never easy, You do your best to 1. keep them safe, 2. keep them in school, and 3. keep them out of trouble, and while doing this try to let them know how much you love and treasure them (not easy when you are exhausted by # 1, 2,3 and even harder if you are trying to keep a rocky marriage together - or struggling as a single parent).

There were some things we did that Steven never understood, which is probably true for your Richard. Maybe you are projecting some of your feelings of sadness, anger and frustration onto your thoughts of him - I don't know anything for sure anymore, but I think love transcends and anger does not. I hope for a good dream for you soon.

"Love Lasts Forever"

-Steven's Mom

[daveydow1]

Rhonda68 and Runnersmom,

I can so relate to your posts about complaints from teachers.

My son, Davey, was not ADHD, but was a quiet child. His teachers

would always say "he daydreams"!. I was at a loss as to what to do

about it. Davey's grades were always better than average, they said

his behaviour in class was acceptable, but this one complaint about

"daydreaming" followed him through all his elementary and middle

school. I believe he may have been troubled about his homelife at

the time. This problem did subside in time--no problem in high

school. I agree, that it is hurtful and mystifying to think back to

those days, and to me, how little it means now (the complaints). I guess we have to

take comfort from the fact that we showed them how much we loved them.

At this stage in my life, I believe the love was the most important

thing, and daydreams Davey had in school & teachers' complaints are

such minor points. My prayers are for you, and I wish you peace.

[kathy714]

Dear Rhonda,yes the shower was nice,but now that it is over,i will probaly slip back into my depression.Iread that you had a dream about your son,sorry that it wasnot a happy dream,i have only had 2 of Nate,since he has passed ,but they were both good.Ialso had many problems with Nathan and school,also had him tested for ADHD.Iunderstand how you feel about wanting to get together with someone else who has lost a child,it is a very lonely world now.When i am not on this site i feel like i am the only person in the world that has lost their child,then i come on here and find i am not alone.T/C,you are in my thoughts and prayers,Kathy,Nate's mom

[nicksmom21]

I am new to this board and thankful that I have found it. I had lost my son Nick in February 2004 as a result of a motorcycle accident. He was 22. I share the same feelings as you all know all too well. I hope we can all find some comfort in reading each of our postings. Nick lived each day as if it was his last. I hope he is at peace for I truly believe that our hell is here on earth..

[rhonda68]

Nicksmom21 I am happy you found this site it helps alot as people here understand. My son Richard was killed February 23,2005 what was your sons date? I am having a very hard time coping. I feel that my mind is really sick and I dont know how to heal it. We are all here for you!

Love,

Rhonda

[nicksmom21]

Nick passed on February 18 2004. 5 days after his accident. He never regained consciousness... I have a 22 and 26 year old daughter.....

[kirksdad]

Nicksmom21, I know your feelings and I had a son that did the same, lived each day like it was his last.

[kathy714]

Dear Nicksmom21,i glad you found this site i think you will find it very helpful.I loss my son Nathan Jan31,2005,on his 21st birthday,someone on club pogo told me about this site and i have come on every night since,even if i don't post,i find comfort just to come read the post.My son lived everyday like it was his last,we had that saying posted on his collage of pictures"Live everyday,like it's your last,because one day it will be",and i'm thinking of putting it on Nathan's stone.I found out the hard way ,that saying is so true.Iam very sorry for the loss of your son Nick,i hope you visit this site again,i think you will find everyone here understands the true meaning of loss and we all are on the same sad journey...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kevsmom]

I am new here, just found this board yesterday and think I want to stay. My (our) 25 year old son, Kevin, died on 6/21 in a motorcycle accident. He wasn't pronouced dead for several hours (due to the amazing skills of the paramedics), but, for all intents and purposes, he died at the scene. I've replayed those minutes over and over - wondering about the terror he felt when he saw the van pull in front of him and know he couldn't stop or avoid it. It's been almost 5 months and in many ways I feel more withdrawn and sad than I did earlier...I can only guess it's the numbness wearing off - my mind slowly accepting the unacceptable. He still lived with us - his things are still here untouched. We just found out last week that Kevin's dog has a malignant tumor in his foot and will have surgery Wed - man, it just keeps coming.

We have a 30 year old daughter who's been married a little over a year to a great guy - for that we feel blessed.

I belong to a breast cancer support group - that list is run differently, so be patient with me if I do something wrong....just tell me. Hugs, Irene

[trappersmom73]

To Kevsmom;

My heart goes out to you...I too lost my son (age28) in a motorcycle accident...4 years ago today in fact. Thought maybe I would find some strength on the message board today and there you were. There are so many similarities in our story of grief, but to know that another mothers grief is so recent makes my heart cry for you. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier, but so far, no luck. The thoughts and memories may come fewer and farther between, but they still hurt just as terribly and it seems like just yesterday that I heard his voice on the phone laughing at something I said and I can't even remember what it was. It's like a punch in the gut everytime we think of them and try to relive their last moments isn't it? My sympathy and best wishes are with you.....Debbie

[maskott]

Kevsmom...I'm sorry for your loss and the pain that you are in. I first came on this sight soon after my son died. People on the site said that it gets worse around 3 months and they were right. I hurt the first 2 months but the agony came at 3 months. I cry more now than ever. Each day is a struggle to get up and go to work. At work, I can't concentrate and hold back the tears as best I can. I cry on the way home from work. I'm so drained and tired that after dinner I go to bed. A week after Matthew died, we had to take our dog for emergency surgery (on a Sunday). I kept asking "why-does Matthew need him". He pulled through so we lucked out on that one. It just keeps coming. My heart and prayers are with you-I'm sorry we have to go through this together. Keep reading and posting-this site is terrific.

BettyAnn

[Michaelsmom]

I feel this time of year I would like to offer my help to those who have lost someone this year and are approaching so many "firsts". I lost my son 3 years ago. This website was my salvation. Whatever you've experienced I have also. It's amazing that other than the way our children have tragically died, we've all experienced the same pain whether it's from family, co-workers or friends. Being an "old timer" I usually like to jump in and help where I can but this year it's rough. I lost my second child, my oldest daughter, to cancer this past March. Here I am again dredding the Holidays. Today is especially hard as I do a Christmas list on what I buy for everyone and I had to eliminate my daughter. What pain! My son died 3 years ago Nov. 1 and only 1 person sent me a card telling me they were thinking of me. You know what? That one card meant so much to me.

The pain that is caused by others whether they be family or friends is because they haven't experienced our pain! They don't know what it feels like. They actually believe that if they don't mention the person who has died they are doing us a favor. I feel that our responsibility is to enlighten all those who believe that. We like to talk about our lost ones. How many times do you encounter someone who speaks lovingly of their passed Mother or Father? Why not speak of the lost child?

I have a wonderful friend who lost her daughter 2 years ago to cancer and we get together once a month and do nothing but talk of our children who have died. We have a great time! Laughing, crying, and best of all we know how we each feel.

If it helps, at the holidays we go to the cemetery and let balloons go with messages on them. We do this on their birthdays also. I pour a guiness on my son's grave and a Bacardi and coke on my daughter's grave. We tell stories and laugh and have a good time, just as if they were there. It helps so much. Maybe you could do this? I do so wish everyone on this website peace at Thanksgiving and Christmas. I would pray for you but I don't pray anymore but I will keep you in my thoughts. Take care.

Michael and Carolyn's Mom

[rmcaggiano]

To Janyd,

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I too lost mine this year, May 8th, 2005. I too have two daughters who are very close to their brother. The missing and the pain are something beyond belief. As I'm sure you know. He is my only son.

I'm not sure if anyone on here knows or feels what I do, but, sometimes, when least expected, I feel my Nicholas so close to me, especially when the sun shines a certain or the moon. I know he's there. The other day when I was unpacking some of my things, a shirt of his was in one of my boxes, I know when I moved I had packed all of Nicholas' things together, and yesterday when I pulled out one of his favorite tee-shirts out of my box, I know it was there for a reason. Sometimes in the breeze, I can feel and sense he's with me. Does anyone ever feel their child or children?

Rose

[mamabets]

Dear Kevsmsm- My son Danny died on June 21, 2004. I say that he crossed on June 15, because that was when the accident was. In order to donate organs, they had to keep him on life support. He was hit by a semi while standing in the middle of a lonely highway. It has been a horrendous ride, that I will tell you, as you well know. But, there are wonderful people here that know that this is a place where they are understood all the time - We know exactly what you are feeling every step of your way, and there is always someone that will relate to you, wherever you are. God Bless you and please, keep talking with us. mamabets xo

[mamabets]

For All~ I am trying to stay strong, as I get ready for my daughters wedding this weekend- I am curious to know how she and I will hold up. We will hold each other up, if need be. She has done such a wonderful job in preparing for this, and it will be so small. It feels strange to think that Danny will not be marrying, but it just is different for him now. There is an angel that has appeared in one of the photos from my nieces wedding back in October- That is of great comfort. I think about all of us here-The agony is lessening quite a bit. It will hurt forever, but the "What do I do with this life now" agony has subsided some. I remain hopeful, that it could possibly stay like this most of the time. We will see- I also know that it can hit hard out of nowhere, and return. Take care, all- I am here if anyone needs me.. mamabetsxo

[nicksmom21]

I am finding some comfort in reading everyones posts, in knowing that although I can feel quite alone at times, I know I am not...We have become unwilling members of a "club" that none us ever imagined being a part... I am sorry for all of your losses and look to gain strength as each day passes.. Faith on the otherhand I question many times,I have before this tragedy always believed in a higher power, and have a facination with angels...I ask for signs and wish something significant can inspire me...I am contemplating going to a John Edwards appearance in January, but would be devastated if there were no connection for me....I welcome any emails from you and hope we get through the upcoming holidays with a renewed faith .

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

I haven't been here for about 3 weeks or so, busy at school with the thrid graders, but also missing your collective voices right now and so I am here. I hoped when I came that there would be no new names, but there are and I am sorry to those of you here so recently. I know as we all do, the hurt and pain that brought you here. I am grateful for this marvolous place, for the parents here who so readily share their hearts, but I wish we never knew of places such as this. Since we do, I find it healing to read how everyone is coping, help if I can and cry often as I write here.

With holidays coming please be good to yourselves. If this is your first year without your child, follow what your hearts want to do, if it means starting a new tradition, do it. If it means locking the doors and not decorating, well then, that is what it means. Whatever works for you. This will be our 3rd holiday season without Erica Eileen. She died when she was 19, would be 21 now. I have not put up a tree since she died, just have no desire to. My husband put up a small artificial one at her gravesite, which was a nice surprise when I was at the cemetary, but not the big lovely trees anymore. She adn I picked them out each year and I just have no desire. I do however keep up with a tradition that she and my son used to do and that is to purchase gifts for needy young ones at various organizations around our home, and now I buy for the kids that need it from our school because we have an ERica fund there. So in her name, others will smile and greet the morning of Kwanza, Christmas, or Hannukah with the light of Eri in thier lives.

As far as feeling our kids nearby, I am so grateful to my daughter for letting herself be felt, for playing with so many of us letting us know she is right there.

May you all find peace in the freedom our angels now have.

my heart,

dee

[kevsmom]

I was so touched by the replies I received, but, yet saddened to read each post and to identify with each of you. Yes, there is no pain that compares to this - I told my Oncologist last week that breast cancer treatment was a warm breeze by comparison. Kevin had a smile and laugh that made me laugh even when I was mad at him....think he counted on that :>) It was "very" difficult getting him through his teen years, yet, we did and he was well on his way to becoming a responsible, self-sufficient young man...same job for 2 years, same girlfriend 1 1/2 years - and always a help to us - such a light in my life. Damn, damn, damn - I miss him so much and cannot accept the enormity of "never" hearing his voice or seeing him again. Hugs, Irene

[teacher1]

Just some ramblings:

Kevsmom, your son sounds like my Matthew. Difficult at times and just now turning his life around. I was so excited about his job, new life, etc. The hurt is enormous for us all.

I am doing Christmas--I have two small grandchildren from my older, surviving son. They love Grammy's house at Christmas. Also, I am half-way between my brother and my parents and sis, so my house is a gathering place at holidays. I am finding a kind of solace and peace planning for this. My mom told me though that if I break down, then break down. Everyone would there to comfort me and share the sadness.

I smelled Matt last night in my dining room. I knew he was there. There is nothing lmuch left in this house that was his--after my sons moved out and my ex did the adultery bit, I changed everything. Both sons loved the new look. So it was a real sign from Matt. However, today was the very worst day of all, I found the first chapters of the novel he was trying to write, and some of his letters and poetry to me. Totally depressed me.

I,too, teach third grade. What a joy those kids are! But sometimes even they can't make the smiles come. Then they are just quiet with me, and loving. Little kids are just great.

I've finally stopped crying for the day--I think. My wonderful Sweetheart is waiting patiently in bed for me. He lost his wife to cancer and has experience with grief. Theirs was a very close, loving marriage of over 30 years. He's helped me tremendously. But he says there are days when you just think."What's the use?" He says to think that, but try to breathe and work and move and just be. It passes.

I have Matt's ashes here still. I find comfort in that. I can pick up the container and hold him ,though I know he's really gone. My ex was here Sat. and he asked to hold him. He rocked the container and cried and talked to Matt. It helped him. We haven't decided when to scatter the ashes yet. We don't need to decide. We are doing what gives us comfort.As should we all.

God bless all of us here.

Scotti

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabets,it is nice to hear from you,i was worried something was wrong,you must be busy with planning the wedding,i just finished planning my niece's baby shower,it actually helped to look foward to something,that hasn't happened in a long time.My older son Kevin is getting married in june,so i know how you feel about the day going to have many emotional turns.I think it is going to be hard on my son,because Nathan was going to be his best man.He already told me he is wearing a shirt with Nate's picture on it,and it is going to say BEST MAN on it.I mentioned it before on here and someone else asked if i would mind if they used the idea,i think it is a good idea.Well good luck with your wedding,and you will be in my thoughts and prayers T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Kevins mom,i am sorry the the loss of your son,Kevin,Ialso have a surving son named Kevin.My younger so Nate passed last Jan,31st2005,on his 21st birthday.I could relate to so many things in your post,Nathan also had differcult teenage years,he even was placed on home confindment,which was the best thing for him,during that time we became so close,we spent every minute together,i am almost thankful for that now.Nathan also had straighten his life out and was working hard,I miss him so ,more and more as each day passes.This is such a sad journey we are on,i hope you are able to find some comfort in the messages here.You will be in my prayers...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Teacher1

I also have my son Matthews ashes, well a little of them, I buried most of them with his sister CarrieAnn, but I found these amulets that can hold a small amount of his ashes, and I wear it around my neck 24/7. It does help me sometimes to hold them when I'm feeling really bad, like last night. Just wanted to tell you about that.

Paece to you and yours,

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[teacher1]

As I left this site last night to go and try to sleep I passed my home-office door where I have always kept inspirational sayings,etc. I found this one right away--as though it was meant to be seen and read at that time--it really helped and is helping me this morning. So I thought I'd pass it on.

"Sorrow comes in great waves--but it rolls over us and though it may almost smother us,it leaves us. And we know that if it is strong, we are stronger.inasmuch as it passes and we remain." Henry James

I realize we all feel that sorrow won't leave us--many here are still suffering so much years after their child's death. But I do believe this saying. A wise woman told me that her sorrow burned off and what was left was the most incredible love for her son--who had died young in a farming accident. I think I posted that earlier-I don't remember, Anyway, this all gave me comfort last night and again this morning.

I hope all of us have a tranqiuil day--if not at least a day where we can get through and survive.

Scotti Matt's Ma-Ma'

[teacher1]

Stu---Where can one obtain the amulet for holding ashes? What a lovely,comforting thought, to be able to wear one close to one's heart.

Scotti

[heartbrokendad]

Hi Teacher1

I got the one I have from the funeral home that took care of Matthews body, but if you look on line under urns, you can probably find them...

[kevsmom]

Teacher1

We have Kevin's ashes at home, they're just in the plastic container from the funeral home. We brought them here because we were incapable of making a decision or even thinking about "where should they go", but, I like having them (him) here....for now. I'm sure it weirds out some people (like the cleaning service) - can't waste energy being concerned about what other people think. I too lovingly touch the container - usually when I'm feeling really low and sad. Kevin was a mechanic so our garage looks like an auto shop - somtimes, like this past weekend, I go out there and touch the handles of his tools or sit in his car - that garage was his domain. He and his buddies have worked on their cars out there for 10 years - all these guys showed up at Kev's memorial service wearing t-shirts with a picture of Kev standing in the garage arms folded...that was very moving. This kid left an enormous hole in my heart and my life. Hugs, Irene

[kevsmom]

Teacher1

That was a beautiful saying - thank you for sharing. A friend, who is a bc survivor and bereaved parent too, sent this to me a few days after Kev's accident - don't know who wrote it: "This burden never goes away, but, as time passes, instead of pressing down upon you, it walks beside you". My answer to her was "So where can I buy a time machine!".

Irene

[maskott]

We have Matthew's ashes at home also. When Matthew died, my husband and I had been out of state looking around for a place we wanted to move to. I couldn't imagine putting Matthew into the ground when we were planning on moving within a year or two. Too much to think about during such an emotional state. We have them in his bedroom where we can be there with him if we want to. I find it comforting myself.

Just wanted to mention this...For 3 months since Matthew died, I haven't really had one person ask me how I was doing. No one in my family (which I work with) and none of my co-workers. It's a small company...everyone knows. It's a school that teaches people how to fix airplanes. They announced it to the student's when it happened. This morning, a student asked me how I was doing. It was so nice to have someone ask. What I don't understand is why my co-workers don't have the concern to ask every now and then. A simple question...Just a thought.

BettyAnn

[aprilsmom]

I used "classic memorials.com". I found it after about a 10 hour search. Our urn was listed on different sites for double what we purchased it for on that one. Hope this helped. Ya know, the urn sits on a book shelf in my bedroom (her husband never mentioned wanting it) and I have absolutely no feelings when I'm near it. Now, the accident site, I find comfort there and people think I'm wierd but that is where I last touched her warm body. Tomorrow morning I am supposed to go to the same child's meeting that I was in last year when the accident happened (Special Ed I.E.P) I remember looking at my watch during the meeting at just about the same time as the 911 call went in. Please say a prayer for me to be strong. Thanks, Renee

[enufalreddy]

As usual I haven't been here in a while. Sometimes it just hurts too much. I've been reading and crying and now feel such regret that my son is buried and I didn't have him cremated so I could keep him with me. What's done is done. I have lots of pictures, artwork,letters and the tattoo he designed and put on my ankle of an angel. I'm also feeling left out because I haven't dreamt of Walter since he passed. I just want to be close to him and I can't be.Not close enough. His girlfriend (partner) and daughter are coming for Thanksgiving. Hugging Sarah is the closest I can get to him..And she is so precious to me in her own right. Saturday will be 7 months since Walt passed. Seems like yesterday...yet it seems like years ago.Today is a rough day. I've had some good days thank God. Walter I love you wherever you are and whatever happens that could never change. My beautiful, talented baby boy. Come visit your mommy soon. I miss you..............Erma

[maskott]

Erma...sorry you are having a bad time...big hugs to you. I haven't been doing too well lately myself. Yesterday,especially was a bad day. Cried on and off all day (even work couldn't stop me from crying). I will think about you on Saturday. Be patient, the dreams will come (I hope). I haven't had any dreams of Matthew that I can remember either. I know they will come.

BettyAnn

[teacher1]

Erma and Bettyann--I am sorry you aren't doing too well. Sometimes it just is the pits sin't it? I am thinking peaceful thoughts for us all.

Stu--thanks for the info.

Took th day off today--had an appointment but took the whole day. I went to look at Christmas trees at the local nursery that were decorated. I actually enjoyed myself. I also went and had lunch with my Sweetheart. I find I am looking forward to retirement in another year and a half so I can go and have lunch with him whenver I want. So, I guess this has been a better day for me.I hope for a better day for us all tomorrow.

Scotti

[teacher1]

Kevsmom--I meant to tell you in my post how much I enjoyed your saying,too. If you ever find that time machine let me know!!

Scotti

[robertsmom]

Hello to everyone in our special common place. So many new members, I am beside myself, why do we all have to have this experience in our lives??? I read this site each and everyday as soon as I get home. For some reason I am so drawn here. I don't post much as the words have a hard time comming out for some reason for me. I feel so guilty as my Robert has been gone for 2 years 7 1/2 months. I don't have any words of wisdom as I'm still having such a difficult time dealing with this. It seems so long ago but at the same time just yesterday. I sit here at my computer everynite looking at Roberts pictures. One was taken just two weeks before the accident - he's wearing his scrubs - Robert was a surgical tech (and was he ever proud). Than a collage the hospital made for me with picture through out his short life. I just get lost here looking at these everyday.

I can relate to so many here. Especially co-workers and friends not validating our childrens existence. My co-workers talk everyday about their children, when I say something they sort of clam up - I don't know if I should say something or not - they were all at work with me when I received the news of my sons death so they saw how devistated I was. I guess most really believe with time we don't remember - Oh how wrong they are!!

I had posted here months ago about Roberts livein girlfriend filing for common law wife and wanting to take the car insurance settlement from Roberts little boy. Finally she has dropped the common law and now we're in the making of putting this away in a anunity. Maybe that's part of the reason I'm having such a hard time - I've been thinking about this the whole time. I know Robert would want his son to be taken care of. I just wanted to share that. So much on my mind and no one here in my world to listen.

I will stop rambling on and on - May peace be with you all - my thoughts are with each and every one of you - as I know you understand.

Thank you for listening

Robertsmom

[maskott]

I need help! My son, Scott whose 22 has finally broken down. For 3 months he has not shown any emotion at all. Two weeks ago, he blew up at his girlfriend. She now wants time away from each other. He realized then that he needed help so is seeing a minister for counseling. Last night he called me sobbing. He doesn't want to get out of bed, can't eat, can't study or focus on school work, so has decided he needs to drop out of college. He will not see a therapist. I'm meeting him at 12:00 to talk. I don't know how to really handle this so if anyone has any suggestions please help. I'll be checking the emails until 12:00. Thanks

BettyAnn

[kevsmom]

Maskott

I am so sorry to hear Scott is having a melt down, but, considering he's not been able to show any emotion for 3 months, it was most likely going to happen - the proverbial dam breaking. I doubt that he's in an environment that is supportive and nurturing...college, don't think so. Perhaps he can take a few days or a week away from school to come back home, a safe place to feel his emotions and where you can support each other. That he is seeing a minister for counseling is very positive - he realizes that he needs help with this enormous grief he's feeling and maybe a little guilt that he's still alive.

Our daughter's immediate reaction was to come here and take charge - too much so sometimes, we called her the bouncer :>). Weeks later, after going back to her home, she began having to deal with her emotions - guilt they weren;'t closer, guilt that she hadn't finished the picture she'd promised Kev for christmas, guilt that she isn't planning on having children - Kevin would have been the one to marry and give us grandchildren, overwhelmed by now being the only child and the responsibility she was heaping on herself, on and on.

If he's resistant to therapy, perhaps a sibling support group? Can you check with the college - maybe they have something on campus.

I hope the lunch goes well - probably best to just listen since he's ready to talk and has everything all jumbled around inside him. My thoughts will be with you - just love him and let him know you understand. Hugs, Irene

[maskott]

Irene...thanks for the response. The school has counseling which I will be calling in a few minutes. I've suggested this since he started school in Sept. and mentioned last night. I don't think he'll go there either, but I will try. I called the college health clinic already and they at least said that if he can get a doctor's note, they can give him a medical leave and he can complete the courses during the winter break. I guess I just have to listen to him and see where he wants to go. Thanks for the help.

BettyAnn

[kevsmom]

Betty Ann - Let us know how it goes. As Mom's we always want to fix everything for our kids - you're doing everything that can be done. Sending you a big hug, Irene