Loss of an Adult Child

[maskott]

I know what you mean about stupid statements. Yesterday, talking with a male coworker, asked how I was doing. I said "as good as can be expected". His comment was, It will take time. To this I answered, "yeah, about 4 or 5 years." He replied "don't think like that". I said "I lost my son-part of me, I'm not going to get over it-ever". I know it's not as stupid as other statements, it just got to me yesterday.

[teacher1]

Ahhh! Stupid statements. One of my co-workers and I always said, when asking how the other was,"I'm just peachy." Wehn I returned to work he asked how I was and I said that I was putting one foot in front of the other. He replied "Hey!! What happened to just peachy ? Come on. Get back in life. It's what Matt would want." I wanted to kill him. But I just quietly told him that right now my life was not peachy and to leave me alonefor awhile. He was angry!

Called me an attention-getter. Yeah, like I had my son die so I could get attention.

Anyway, I think he's afraid that if it happened to my family it could happen to his. At least I hope so--I hope he's not just an insinsitive jerk.

I took a sick day yesterdy. I couldn't even move much less work. Now that the funeral and all the work is done it has really started to hit me. He's gone. And I am not handling any of it well at all now. And I was worried about not crying enough!!

Wow. The songs are fantastic. I played Garth Brooke's The Dance at Matt's viewing along with music from Dave Matthews Band (his favorite).I displayed his art work and a slide show of him at university and work. Everyone loved it.

Anyway, blessings and peacefulness to eveyone here.

Scotti

[teacher1]

Ahhh! Stupid statements. One of my co-workers and I always said, when asking how the other was,"I'm just peachy." Wehn I returned to work he asked how I was and I said that I was putting one foot in front of the other. He replied "Hey!! What happened to just peachy ? Come on. Get back in life. It's what Matt would want." I wanted to kill him. But I just quietly told him that right now my life was not peachy and to leave me alonefor awhile. He was angry!

Called me an attention-getter. Yeah, like I had my son die so I could get attention.

Anyway, I think he's afraid that if it happened to my family it could happen to his. At least I hope so--I hope he's not just an insinsitive jerk.

I took a sick day yesterdy. I couldn't even move much less work. Now that the funeral and all the work is done it has really started to hit me. He's gone. And I am not handling any of it well at all now. And I was worried about not crying enough!!

Wow. The songs are fantastic. I played Garth Brooke's The Dance at Matt's viewing along with music from Dave Matthews Band (his favorite).I displayed his art work and a slide show of him at university and work. Everyone loved it.

Anyway, blessings and peacefulness to eveyone here.

Scotti

[jajjaaj]

Hello all,

Thank you so much for all your words and wonderful thoughts. You have no idea how important it was for me and how much it helped. It really was so appreciated. Yesterday was black for all of us. But a girlfriend came over around 3:30 and told me she was taking me out of the house. I didn't want to go anywhere, I was happy to stay in bed and be left alone. My 16-year old agreed and told me that I should get out of bed and get a shower. He started a pillow fight with me, grabbed all my pillows, and took my blankets. It made me laugh. Little turd. Several people called, I went ahead and had dinner with my friend, another friend sent sunflowers and I got through the day.

April’s Mom, How weird to see the name somewhere else. It took me back a little. Your profile speaking of your April reminded me of my April. Now it really floored me when you asked if my April liked November and rain. November is Pancreatic Cancer Month and April’s all time favorite song was November Rain. Would so love to hear more about your April, she sounded like she was an awesome girl.

Teacher1, People really don’t get it do they? They think that since the loss doesn’t bother them anymore than it shouldn’t bother us. One of my mom’s acquaintances came by after April’s passing to bring condolences and told me that she knew EXACTLY how I felt… that she lost her husband and it left a big hole in her chest. And using her hands to describe the hole, she says. “… and the hole will get smaller and smaller until it goes away.” I told her that the hole in my chest would never go away. She said, “Oh yes it will, take it from me, I know exactly how you feel.” I thought how could she know how I feel, she has never lost a child. A friend I met through another lost her 19-year old son 4 days before I lost April. Someone actually told her that she could always have another baby. She told the lady that her son was not a puppy that could be replaced.

Mascott, my cousin who lost her 8-year old son 27 years ago told me not to believe anything anyone said. She told me that I would always think of April day in and day out, that it would always hurt, we just learn to live a different life. She said the only good thing is that many, many years down the line, there might be a day that goes by when we don’t think about it. She has been a blessing, and it’s no wonder, she’s been there done that. The stress and the heartache are enough to knock anyone out of whack. Know that you are normal, that I’m thinking of you and hoping for better days for you.

Richards Mom, I’m so sorry for your loss. You will never get over it and you will never be you again. I explained this to someone by telling them… If you bought a beautiful puzzle and worked hard on it for a long time and in the end a piece was missing, would it still be beautiful? Could you replace it? This is my heart, one beautiful piece is missing, it can’t be replaced and since all the pieces are necessary for me to me, I will never be me again. I told someone else that I liked the old me much better, but that I was learning to live with the new me and she would soon get use to the new me too. It’s not that we want to get use to or live with the new us, we just do.

Heartbrokendad, I went to California and demanded that the coroner let me see my baby girl. At first they wouldn’t as they didn’t have a viewing room. They told me I would have to wait until she arrived at the mortuary. But they finally relented. Of course she was still dressed in her street clothes and she looked so peaceful laying on the gurney. I sometimes have bad dreams of her on her kitchen floor and have thought about calling the police to see if I could view their investigation photos, but don’t have the nerve. It is such a scary thing to deal with the initial shock of losing your baby. You aren’t sure what to do. Then as time moves forward, we start thinking of all the “should of’s” and “shouldn’t of’s”. The guilt takes over. And you are right, life will never be as good until the day we can be with our children again. Don't let the guilt consume you. Your Carrie Ann knows you love her and that there was nothing you could do.

Thinking of all of you and that the days become smoother and more tolerable for all of us.

April’s Mom,

Cyndi

[ashleysmom]

Cyndi, You put that so well about the puzzle piece. Nobody knows exactly how we feel. There is a difference when you lose your child.It's just not the natural order of things.I think I can probably speak for all in saying we would give our lives to have our children back in their lives. I understand losing a spouse can be devastating but we know that we will someday bury our spouses. We are not supposed to bury our children! My thoughts are with all of you,

Dottie

[kathy714]

Dear Jajjaaj,i know how you feel,my son Nathan was also alone during his last hours,and nobody really knows what took place.Iam always having visions and thoughts of what he might of gone through,i also wanted to see him but everyone talked me into waiting,they said i would have time to be alone with him before his service and wake.I to keep saying i have to get the reports from the detective,and i still feel afraid,i know there are photo's and i know once i see them ,my imagination is going to go wild again. And about people saying stupid things,i am just having problems dealing with all the talk about holidays,and everyone talking about what their kids want for christmas etc...I am trying not to lose it but it get's harder everyday,i feel like i am hanging by a thread..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[teacher1]

Yes, April's mom, they just think we need to get over it--get on with it--life is for the living.The other statement I hate is how strong I am. How the other teachers admire me so for getting back to work. They are sure the little kids make the days great. But they couldn't do it , they say, if they lost a child. They wouldn't be able to get out of bed so since Ido do it, they don't want to see that I'm having a hard day, or have been in the bathroom crying, or that I can't join them for lunch. HEY! I am so strong. Get over it.

I said before that I wanted to kill the next person that said I was so strong. I didn't but I sure do feel like it.

My significant other lost his wife to cancer. He was devastated, but even he knows that that is not the same loss as the loss of a child. He tells me the grieving will be long and hard and he is there for me in every way. I am blessed with a really good man.

Scotti,Matt's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Betty Ann, It does get harder,it's 9 monthes for me and i feel like the depression is 10x worst,what everyone says is so true ,we are not suppose to lose our children,so when we do it is so unexpected,we can never recover from the pain and honestly i don't ever expect to and these people that say time heals,and it will get easier,DO NOT HAVE A CLUE!!Sorry i just can't believe people.Try to take care,if you need ,maybe take a short leave from work,I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as Nov,7,your angel date come'sT/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[teacher1]

Kathy,

While my Matt was not alone during his passing, he died as a result of a stupid decision to get into a car driven by his girlfriend who was drunk--as was he. They were fighting and he apparently got fed up and exited the car while it was still moving--it was going under 30 miles an hour I now find out, but the result is he died of massive head trauma.

Anyway, I just got the police report and it was hard to take, BUY, I am glad I read it and saw it. I know what really happened. It's hard to know this. It's hard to think my darling, brilliant son made such a terrible decision, but it is what it is and somehow it helps to know. I also found out that his girlfriend did not call 911. She stood on the street and screamed at my son, waking a resident who came out to see what whas happening and that woman eventually called it in. Had Matt been helped sooner he might have lived. But had he lived he wouldn't have been Matt, his brain damage would have been extensive.

My mom tells me not to blame his girlfriend. She was drunk, frightened and panicked. I do blame her. But may not hold her accountable in the future--after all he was drinking,too, and he choose to exit the car.

I still love him and am so proud of what he had made of his life. I am talking to the kids in the high school about the one stupid decison that can ruin or end your life. As I have been teaching for over 30 years I know they won't hear me, but I have to try.

Blessings to everyone for today.

Scotti, Matt's mom

[aprilsmom]

Dear jajjajj- Yes, November Rain..........www.aprilduarte.com

Please visit the site and see if there are more similarities. Thanks, Renee

[rhonda68]

Hi Kathy I agree its been almost 9 months for me too and I feel awful. TIME I am so sick of people saying that. It is never going to heal the loss I have had. I am so sick of society i think I will just try and stay away from them. The only thing that gives me comfort is being with people that understand TRULY! This site has been god sent for me! I know a couple of other people who have lost children I am there for them and they are here for me and thats the only people I want to be with!

Take care and hugs to all!

Richards Mom

[teacher1]

I had a blessing,or sign this morning,from Matt.

I was taking care of my two little grandchildren and had just put their breakfast on the table when my 6 year -old grandson brought his plate,etc, moved over and sat in my lap to eat. Something he has never done before. For the first 7 years of Matt's life he sat in my lap at meals. Everyone at the time told me to make him get down. I am so glad I ignored them. I loved it! I fervently believe Matt sent my grandson to my lap to let me know he was near. I enjoyed the experience so much! When I came home, though, and told Don I started to cry and cried hard. I miss Matt so much. But the experience this morning also helped me through a very rough time.

Yesterday, I found a penny and kept it. I can't seem to find the penny post but have been reading about some of you finding them and took it as a sign also.

It's hard day but at least I know Matt is with me and is fine in his next place.

By the way--two really good books are Tearsoup by Pat Swiebert and Chuck DeKlyn and The Next Place, by Warren Hanson.

I give them as sympathy gifts, never thought I'd need them myself. I read The Next Place at Matt's Celebration of Life, my last book to read to him. It helped me and so many.

So I hope you all can find blessing from your dear children today.

Scotti, Matt's Ma-Ma'

[briansdad]

Teacher1 and Everybody,

It happened again today.My wife and I were asked to light some candles at a Mass of Rememberance.While waiting in the back of church for our instructions as to how we were supposed to light the candles I looked down and there it was! A Penny right near Brian's daughter.He really is keeping a eye on her.Here is the poem again in case you didn't get it eariler. I think there might be something to this.

Pennies from Heaven

I found a penny today

Just laying on the ground,

But it's not just a penny

This little coin I've found.

Found pennies come from heaven,

That's what I've been told,

By Angels watching over us

From their clouds of gold.

When an Angel thinks of you

They toss a penny down,

Sometimes just to cheer you up

To make a smile from your frown.

So don't pass by that penny

When you're feeling blue,

It may be a penny from heaven

That an Angel's tossed to you.

"In God We Trust" is not a phrase

Just printed on a penny,

It's something to remember

When your troubles seem like many.

So when you're down and it seems

Your life has a blue tint,

That penny on a sidewalk

May be truly "heaven-cent."

[Artina]

Briansdad and All,

Thank you for sharing your "hello- I'm watching you" with us. I love these accounts of "life after death".

The other night my son played his last football game of the season. It was Senior Night- where kids who are seniors of the football team, dance team, or cheerleading squad get introduced with their mother and father. I thought about when we did that walk with our son, Chris. I was feeling really low- thinking about how we were going to be doing that walk with our living son next year. I'm just not ready for him to be a senior in high school. Anyway, my thoughts were really on my Chris... and then the football game started. My living son, Mike Wentworth made a great tackle and the announcer said, "that was Chris Wentworth with the tackle". The whole crowd went quiet... and then the announcer said, "I mean Mike Wentworth". I was taken back for only a minute... because I know that my son Chris was trying to say, "I'm here and I am watching everything". I bet that announcer has been struggling all year trying to NOT say Chris when he announces Mike. However, being the last game of the season I'm sure my Chris was pushing his hardest to get through that night. Thank you Chris.

I just wanted to share a hello with all of you. Keep your eyes open and look at your reciepts, inspector tags on clothing, bar codes, etc..., you will be surprised just how many times your child trys to say, "hello- I'm here". My son does it with his sports number and favorite color (orange). Think about what your child loved and tell them that, that is how they can "say hello to you"; and then watch for it.

Peace to all, Tina

[mamabets]

For All- Jackie, Josh and Julia got a new puppy today to keep Bailey the bassett hound company... A 3 lb. little doxie. His name is Bennett{ for Little Blessed One} The puppy's mothers name is Sharon Sassy Girl, her mother Sharon Shine Penny... My sisters name is Sharon- I bought a stuffed animal for the nurses station in the hospital when Danny had surgery in April of 2004- I named this duck Sassy- The penny stories go on and on!!! Love to All, xoxomamabets

[jajjaaj]

April's Mom, Renee,

O.k., Your April too was born in May as my April was and her nick name was Apes. But there are other similarities. Check out http://april-fleming.memory-of.com/Default.aspx

Thinking of you and your April,

April's Mom, Cyndi

[jajjaaj]

Hi Matt's Mom,

I was told that a lot in the beginning. "You are strong, you will get through this." Many would add, "If it were me, I would stay in bed or die." Like I didn't want to die, like it wasn't that big of a deal for me? And they may say they can't do it, but they are not in our shoes. Fact is, I would never wish this on any parent. It is the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life. These people have no idea what they could do or how. I think it is because it is so inconceivable to them. I finally started crying and screaming at someone who told me I was strong. Do I look like I'm strong to you? Look at me, do you really think I'm strong? I feel this way everyday!!!" She never said another word about it. Now, it's, "Are you o.k. today?" And I answer, "At the moment I'm still breathing." And anytime anyone asks me how I'm feeling, I look them right in the eye and say, "I'm breathing." A good man makes all the difference in the world. I don't know what I would do without my husband. He is my rock.

April’s Mom,

Cyndi

[jajjaaj]

Hello Kathy,

Holiday's are tough. When my April passed away, I had to deal with Thanks Giving 3 weeks later, then my son's 16th birthday exactly one month from April's passing and 3 other birthdays during that time. Then Christmas, and the other kids birthdays. I almost forgot my son's 16th birthday and thought I better find something for him. Then momentarily I forgot my personal issues and started seeing things the kids would like for Christmas... that is till I saw what April would want and I lost it and left the cart and left the store crying. It was so crazy. When I reached 9 months, I thought this can't possible get any worse. I'm thinking of you and know that I know what you are dealing with. It really is crazy. The best thing I can offer you is to stay close to those who care about you, who may not know how you feel, but want to be there anyway.

Many hugs,

April's Mom Cyndi

[kathy714]

Dear Jajjaaj,thanx for your reply,i can also relate to what you posted about going into the stores,my older son Kevin's birthday was Sept 24,and i went to Filene's to buy him some sweatshirts,and that is where i would buy all of Nate's clothes at christmas and i had not been in that dept since last year.When i saw all the type of clothes Nate wore,i was like frozen in time,i actually think for a minute,i thought to myself wow Nate will love these,i remember just walking around holding the sweatshirts,at one point a sales person asked if i needed any help,i looked at her with my eyes filled with tears,answered no and left,i think if i do any christmas shopping this year ,it will be from catalogs,Also thank you for advice,i am trying to keep busy ,my niece is having baby in Jan [same as Nathan's]so i am planning baby shower ,her mom,my sister-in-law passed away in 2001,so i think of her as my daughter,she has asked me to be there with her when she goes into labor,i was there when she was born,i was the 1st person she heard when she came into the world[screaming it's a girl]Thank you T/C Kathy Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Hi Rhonda68,you are so right,and it is so true unless this has happened to you ,you can never know how this feels. I think my brother topped the cake of sayings today,My grandmother passed away Jan 16th [2 weeks before Nate],my brother has lived in her house for 8 years,free while she was in nursing home,just sold it to pay medicare off[long story],today i said to him "i am sorry i haven't been much help ,i have been so depressed all i do is work and sleep.HIS REPLY WAS.Well there is no time to be depressed,we have alot to do!!EXCUSE ME!!I am hoping this reply just means maybe he is having nervous breakdown or something,because he is usually more sensitve then that,and his son is over fighting in the war and i know he is a nervous wreck about him.Iam sorry i went off topic but i know how people are always saying crazy insensitive things so i had to share that.T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[mamabets]

For Kathy714~ It is so hard to be out and about and see this holiday stuff all around. Holidays are always a stressful time- people go crazy!! But, my Jackie was born 2 days after Christmas, so I have always gotten into it, somehow. She arrives here in about ten days- Getting married on the 19th- How bittersweet it will be, but I just pray that I do not collapse. Once she gets married, I don't know when we will be together again. She is so happy, yet she too struggles with missing Danny. We somehow are all beginning to believe that our kids are sending us signs. In the face of this nightmare, this is a good thing. We have something to hold on to. I don't know where I would be without all of you. xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Briansdad~ I know that this is a particularly hard weekend for you, and I am so sorry for that. I think of how you celebrated Danny on his birthday, and I am sad that you are having a weekend that has no answers for you. Look up, look down~ You never know what will be there, and know that I lit a candle for Brian yesterday morning on his website. xoxoxo mamabets

[mamabets]

For Teacher1,Maskott and Mattsdad~ These early days are without question, the worst. They are riddled with fear- When the shock starts to wear off, it is frightening- Just hang out here, lots, and try to get some kind of peace in knowing that we have been in the earlier days and we applaud you for trying to reach out and help others, while you run so scared. God, why we all have to be here, I do not know, but I must say that I am amazed at the connection that we all seem to have. I hope that one day we can all meet and celebrate our strengths together!! xoxoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Jajjaaj~ It is unbelievable how this feels at different times, isn't it? I do not know what makes one day different from the rest, but there are minutes in my days when I think that I will never survive it. Then, there are times when I hear Danny in my heart tell me that this too, was part of the bigger plan. That, I find so hard to believe, but it seems that once I stop fighting the reality of this, he is at some kind of complete peace. At times, I feel him struggle with me, and that, I do not ever want. Thanks for your words of strength to all ~ April- What a sweet name!! xoxoxomamabets

[julsmom]

Haven't been on the board in a while but try to keep up with the postings. For stupid comments, several months after Julie's death, a co-worker said you were so "stoic". Stoic? What was I supposed to do? Scream, stomp the floor, throw myself around, cry? Oh yeah, I did that the first day, then went numb, and did that whenever the numbness faded. As to the remark, "if this happened to me, I would just crawl up in bed", wouldn't we all but none of us did that. It won't help us in the grieving process. So we just deal, 10 seconds at a time at first, then a minute, then a day. The pain and emptyness does not go away, but we cope. And with each other's support and our true friends and family we see the sun rise each day and hope for peace and stillness in our lives. As we come up to the holiday season, may we all find that peace. Remember to be good to yourselves and do only what you can. Peace, Lynda

[mamabets]

For Julsmom~ The best and kindest advice... "Do only what we can"- I needed to hear that!! One truly can not "effectively", by someone else's standards perhaps, do any more than that- Oh well- Just breathing normally is doing a great job, and if someone has not been through this, I find, they do not get it. Stick with those in your life that understand you simply because they love you. I have found that works when it comes to foolish statements. So many things are not intentional, God knows. Do what works, and leave the rest as Artina would say!!! Thanks, Julsmom!! xoxomamabets

[kathy714]

Dear Teacher,i just read your post again about what happened to your poor son and how his girlfriend didn't call 911,doesn't just kill you how people don't think.When Nathan first passed,i tried not to blame,but i do remember first words to the detective,were"No it can't be Nathan,he is with Rose.This girl called him and invited him down to where she was working to buy him a drink for his b'day,because that day our puppy fell through the ice and Nathan couldn't save him.Nathan then was suppose go and stay at Rose's house overnight.For some reason Nathan left the bar with some guy he didn't know so Rose could close up.Rose tried once to call him ,when he wasn't back at 12;30,WENT HOME ,WENT TO BED!Never tried calling him again,didn't ride around to look for him even though she know he was walking and didn't have a car,never called me to see if maybe he went home.Didn't she wonder why would Nathan want to spend his birthday with some stranger he didn't even know,she was the one who served him the drinks only she knows how much he might of drank,he was only there a hour.I don't know all this baffle's me and i can't help but to think my son might still be alive if she had done things differently....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[runnersmom]

To Briansdad:

Thank you for re-printing the "Pennies" poem - I did not know where the thread started, but wanted to thank everyone for their stories (anything for a smile!)

Last week I stopped in the park where I watched my son's last race (a half-marathon, he was second) and it took my breath away when I found a penny. The tears came again, but they came with a smile because I knew this penny was meant for me. It is just such a blessing to have a day that has a smile in it.

I am so glad I found this forum; thank you all again for helping each one of us get through the day.

[mamabets]

For Renee- Did you get the pictures?? Let me know!!! xoxoxomamabets

[maskott]

Today is 3 months and I'm in agony. My mind this morning kept playing back when my daughter called me to tell me Matthew was dead. I couldn't stop it. Finally, I got it out of my head but can't stop thinking about him. I'm at work but honestly can think about doing anything. People around me are talking about everday things. I just want to go home, climb into bed, hold a teddy bear (that I made at my other son's college last month-named him Mattie) and just cry. Can't do that though. Just needed to say that. Thanks for listening.

BettyAnn

[runnersmom]

Betty Ann -

Please know that our thoughts are with you and there are people who will listen - the everyday things people around you talk about make no sense any more and probably never will again. When you can, take that time to cry; as near as I can tell there is no limit to the tears and they seem to help me at least.

I am at work, too, and thinking of you.

[aprilsmom]

Dearest Maskott and Matt's loving family - the 3 month mark was HORRENDOUS for us; hang on, better yet, go home. My counselor told me the 3 and 6 month are particularly difficult as well, sorry, I'm not being very positive here; but she was right. The one year is in 10 days for us and I'm going crazy. Gotta go to work though, it will keep me busy. Take Care, Renee

[mamabets]

For Maskott- Oh, BettyAnn- It is so God awful, and I have a lump in my throat thinking about you- The only thing I can tell you, is that when you have a day, or two, like this, it does, with the help of all of us, get a bit easier!!!! I know, as we all do, your agony. It will lift- It always hurts, but this sheer agony will lift. Go to "ADC's,visions and dreams" and read what Care4u wrote- Maybe it will help some... IT WON'T STAY JUST LIKE THIS!! I love you and Jeff and please, please call me if you need to- 704-892-8386. Betsy xoxomamabets

[teacher1]

Thanks Brainsdad for the Penny Poem.

Thanks Cyndi for your words, too.

One of Matt's old friends came by yesterday and it was delightful yet very hard. I cried buckets after he left--he'd shared so many memories with me and I laughed and had a decent time until he left. He is stationed in Korea and I won't see him for another 20 months.

So much for all of us to deal with.And society often cringes at our grief.

I remember in my childhood when someone died people were helping for months and months afterward. Of course I lived in a small rural area and eveyone ws either related or knew everyone else.I live in another rural area now, but lives are so much busier. However, I do hear caring comments every day--along with the stupid ones.

aprilsmom-Renee--I am thinking of you and praying for you. I have no other words to help--but I hope you manage to get through today in as good a way as possible.

Blessings on everyone today.

Scotti Matt's Ma-Ma'

Blessings on everyone today.

[donosmom]

Matthews would have been 26 last Thursday, I am still surprised that I am sent into such downward spirals. This has been a particularly rough time for us. 2 weeks ago our 19 yr old daughter had surgery for cancer of the cervix, my oldest daughter was having GI tests run and has been diagnosed with IBS and ulcers, my neighbor who has lived next door for almost 17 years, her daughter’s husband was a police officer and killed in a high speed chase, they have a 5 month old baby, he was only 32. It just seems to keep coming.

I am starting a second job tonight just through the holiday’s maybe if I keep busy enough I can get through them. Hope I have the energy to do it though.

I wish all of us some comfort during this holiday season. I know I am searching. My heart goes out to all of you new to this journey, you have so many painful firsts, and my heart goes out to all of us that has been on the journey, the road is a difficult one to travel and we now realize this is forever.

Matt’s Mama Mary

11-3-79 – 7-13-03

[care4u]

I'm not sure if any of you have read the message that I posted under ADC's and visions", but I had a brief connection with a Matt and he has given me more to post here. I would ask that if this relates to anyone, please read the other message I wrote too. Well, Matt came through with these words for someone here. He said "I am ok. I am with Sarah. Don't worry about me. I am fine." then I heard him singing "take me out to the ball game..." and so on he went singing. I don't know if anyone can relate to this. I really hope so and I am sorry for being so forward. Take care everyone.

lots of love and god bless you.

[daveydow1]

Hello to all,

I have not posted in awhile. I've been having a hard time

lately, but manage somehow. Regarding the holidays coming

up, shopping etc.--- I still am not able to do much shopping

in the holiday season. Someone mentioned using catalogs,

and that is what I do. Also, have given gift cards to stores

that they like to shop at. Kathy 714-- I have had almost the

same experiences when seeing things that I could buy for Dave

for a gift. It is like a knife in the heart to see these things.

I choose to keep my exposure to stores down to a minimum when

possible. Thanks to everyone for all your posts. They are so

much help---just to read and relate. Peace to all.

[Artina]

Mary,

I pray that everything goes well for your daughter. Keeping busy can be helpful.

Everybody-

I give out gift cards for Christmas and have found them to be widely acceptable. Of course, I didn't do anything in the first year.

Peace to you, Tina

[maskott]

Yesterday was a tough day. I managed to get through it and the posts from runnersmom, Aprilsmom, and mamabets helped a lot. I read your posts yesterday but did not have the emotional stability to reply. However, I did go into the ladies room many times to have a good sobbing. The toughest part of the day was when my brother responded to my statement that it was Matthew's 3 month anniversary, he replied "I didn't realize". My own brother doesn't realize that the 7th is a special day now. That hurt. I guess I can't expect everyone to stop their life because of what happened to my family and I can't expect everyone to memorialize that date. It's something I have to deal with. Today is better and I thank everyone for helping me through yet one more bad day.

BettyAnn

[maskott]

Sorry I meant to also address this in the last post and forgot (something that's been happening a lot lately) My husband made a comment a few weeks ago that we wouldn't be doing Christmas. I know it's going to be tough but I can't see not doing it especially for the kids. So I asked my son and daughter what they thought about having Christmas. Do we downsize it, not do it or keep it the same? My son, 22, was non committal. I don't think he wanted to express his opinion. My daughter, 18, says she needs to have it the same. Nothing more-nothing less. She wants to decorate the tree for Matthew. Have the Christmas spirit for Matthew. I kind of feel the same way. If I don't do Christmas, it's re-inforcing more than ever that Matthew isn't here anymore. That I know would be unbearable. If we have Christmas, like always, we know he will be with us in spirit. I know I will break down and cry-that's a given. I also know that he will be there with us loving every minute of the day. Just my thoughts.

BettyAnn

[Artina]

BettyAnn,

I remember counting each hour, day and month until I hit the one year mark. After almost four years I have to stop and think about how many months and days its been. I always know how many years and about how many months, but not days.

As far as Christmas goes; we told everybody that we wouldn't be trading Christmas presents (until further notice) or be attending any celebrations (until further notice). That took that pressure off of us forever.

My living son was 12 at the time and thus Christmas was still very important to him. Plus, trying to stabalize some type of a "norm" for him was very important. Thus, we put up a tree and the only Christmas gifts I bought that year was for my son and my husband. We faked our way through it. It went fine. It was good for our living son and that was all that mattered.

After almost four years- I buy gift cards for my extended family. My girl friends and I go out for lunch and share a day as our Christmas gift to each other. That works better for us anyway- no pressure. I just can't get into the Christmas "shopping" idea... it's like pretending to be "happy" that it's Christmas; so I don't and eveybody understands. The shopping that I do have to do, I do on-line. One can get everything they need on-line.

Bottem line- Set your boundaries right off the get go. Let friends, cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents (whoever you need to let know) that you won't be part of any celebrations until further notice. Ask them to not send gifts- unless they are addressed to your children ( I never wanted to cut my living son out of the celebration). Tell them that it is just to painful for you and that this step will help ease the pain.

Do what works for you! Most people will understand.

Peace to you, Tina

[runnersmom]

Maskott –

Hope with all my heart that today will continue to be better for you – I cannot tell you how much it means to be able to read and post here. I am especially glad if I can ever say anything that will help. Sadly, no one in my family, work, or circle of friends recognized the 6-month anniversary of my Steven’s passing.

Regarding holidays, I will share with you some thoughts that came from a good friend who lost a 21 yr. old brother – although it had happened over 30 years ago, the memories of that time were still sharply with him. His parents were devastated by the death of their youngest son and went in to a prolonged period of mourning (over 10 years) in which they did not have the normal family celebrations they had all grown up with – he said they never told their parents, but the 2 remaining boys were left wondering what was wrong with them, weren’t they “family” too? It was his way of asking me not to ignore my remaining son in my despair, and I am so thankful for his insight.

I anticipate a difficult and sad holiday season, but for me (and this may not be for everyone), I will try to do something of what we have traditionally done. The suggestions I have seen here for using catalogs and gift cards are really good ones; and I just read Tina’s post, her wisdom and years of experience are so helpful. Do what works best for you, remember your children that are still here, and always remember we are keeping you in our thoughts.

[maskott]

Thanks for the imput about Christmas. I agree about Christmas remaining the same for the remaining children. Runnersmom...I asked one of my other brothers if he knew that Matthew died on the 7th and he said no. I would like to think that if one of my nieces or nephers were to die...that I would remember at least the day they died. I think its sad and hurts that my brothers didn't think it important enough to remember the date. It does hurt a lot...but it's is nice to know that my family is the only one like that. Thanks for letting me know that you are going through the same thing. Gotta get back to work.

BettyAnn

[maskott]

Let me make one more input before I put this to rest forever (or at least for now). Runnersmom...how did you feel when no one remembered Steven's 6 month anniversary? I work with my 3 brothers and it was bad enough that not one of them remembered that it was an anniversary but after my bawling my eyes out yesterday...not one of them asked me how I was today. They came in and went to work...no mention of anything. How does a family not stick together at a time like this. How do you not say anything? I am very dissapointed in my family right now. I know I have my own family, I have the people on beyond indigo and a few friends who have been there since Matthew died. Again...I am very hurt that my own family doesn't care that I have lost a very important part of my life. How do you forgive them? I'm just ranting again...getting it out of my system...these are people I have to work with every day.

BettyAnn

[donosmom]

It has been very hard for me that family doesn't remember or acknowledge Matthews death or even his life anymore. My sister called me about 15 months after Matthew died and apologized for not being there for me but it was just to hard. Our first Thanksgiving without Matthew we went to my inlaws and we were there 2 days and no one even mentioned Matthew then seemed upset with me when I had to leave the table at Thanksgiving dinner, he wasn't even mentioned in the prayer, they didn't want to be reminded of him, they just wanted to go on like always, laughing and having a good time and I was just dying inside. I have not been able to go back there for any holidays since. My parents are passed too so we just do our own thing. It really has hurt me and my husband. It also makes me angry that if it isn't bad enough they don't acknowledge Matthew for himself they don't for my husband, can't they see or don't they care how he is. Ugh, I still get so upset and angry about how our family has been and it has come as such a shock because they have always been really a close and very sweet family. I have written letters, we have talked to them, everything to no avail. Matthews birthday was Nov 3 and we did not hear from anyone, no we are thinking about you, nothing. It just hurts. Sorry to ramble, obviously this discussion touched a nerve.

Maskott I am so sorry you have to go through this too. I have no words of wisdom just understanding.

Matt's Mama Mary

11-3-79 - 7-13-03

[maskott]

Donosmom...I'm sorry that you've been going through this also. I know the heartache that it's putting me through in only 3 months...but to have endured it for the 2 years that you have...I can't understand. I always thought that families were supposed to support each other. Thank you for letting me know that I'm not alone. It hurts me so much to think that Matthew has been forgotten already.

BettyAnn

[janeyd]

BettyAnn,

I remember counting each hour, day and month until I hit the one year mark. After almost four years I have to stop and think about how many months and days its been. I always know how many years and about how many months, but not days.

As far as Christmas goes; we told everybody that we wouldn't be trading Christmas presents (until further notice) or be attending any celebrations (until further notice). That took that pressure off of us forever.

My living son was 12 at the time and thus Christmas was still very important to him. Plus, trying to stabalize some type of a "norm" for him was very important. Thus, we put up a tree and the only Christmas gifts I bought that year was for my son and my husband. We faked our way through it. It went fine. It was good for our living son and that was all that mattered.

After almost four years- I buy gift cards for my extended family. My girl friends and I go out for lunch and share a day as our Christmas gift to each other. That works better for us anyway- no pressure. I just can't get into the Christmas "shopping" idea... it's like pretending to be "happy" that it's Christmas; so I don't and eveybody understands. The shopping that I do have to do, I do on-line. One can get everything they need on-line.

Bottem line- Set your boundaries right off the get go. Let friends, cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents (whoever you need to let know) that you won't be part of any celebrations until further notice. Ask them to not send gifts- unless they are addressed to your children ( I never wanted to cut my living son out of the celebration). Tell them that it is just to painful for you and that this step will help ease the pain.

Do what works for you! Most people will understand.

Peace to you, Tina

[janeyd]

Hello to all,

I have not posted any thing before on this site i lost my only son on June 4th of 2oo5 he died suddenly of a virus around his heart i hurt so much of the time i feel like i am numb. i do not even want to consider having xmas but i have 2 daughters & i need to think about them they were both very close to their brother. I have a great husband who is their stepfather & he hurts too but i dont want to even wake up sometimes. I appreciate people sharing their stories it does help. I wish all well/

[runnersmom]

Janeyd -

I am glad you decided to post - there is great comfort and compassion here that has helped me a lot. I lost my son just 2 months before you did, and when I finally read a description of a parent's grief not as a smooth predictable process but as either "numbness or extreme pain" I felt like yelling "Yes! That's it!"

I am fortunate in many ways in that my family understands my fragile nerves and lack of concentration; I was surprised they did not recognize the 6-month anniversary, but in my case, the accident was on that date, but the search went on for days and we had his service 10 days later, there was no obituary, no gravesite, since we did not have his body. So while the date is etched in my heart, it may have all blurred together for everyone else. I had to petition the court to have my son's death certificate issued - so there are a lot of dates involved.

I also think people are afraid to bring it up because they think you may have forgotten for just a moment or two and they don't want to be the ones to bring the bad memories back. They are wrong, of course, but they don't know that until you tell them. And even if you tell them they may not be able to bring themselves to talk about it - I try to refer to Steven in conversation at the same times I would have if he were still here, that way the other folks know I am comfortable discussing him, then they can either go with it or not. I remember how I was in my life "before" and how many times I should have spoken up to people in mourning and didn't.

I try to make up for that now.

It is an awful "fraternity" we find ourselves in; I will be forever thankful for those of you who continue to reach out and allow us to ramble on here.

[Artina]

Janeyd,

Please know how sorry I am for your loss. Beyond Inidigo is a great place to grieve with people who truly understand the loss of a child. We share our tools and our grief stories and ask that you take what works and leave what does not. Our whole goal is to offer support to each other.

It is understandable that Christmas will be too difficult for you to endure- you are still in the beginning of your grief. My son died Jan 4, 2002, and I had almost a whole year to prepare for the holidays- yet one could never be prepared for the "firsts". Our first Christmas without our Chris was celebrated with only one objective in mind- my 12 year old. It took me several days to get my tree dressed- and I only put a few ornaments on it. I took very small steps and did it as different as I could- but I did it. I didn't do it with glee, I did it like I do my job, shop, balance my check book and put my feet on the floor every morning. I did it because I had to. However, when it came to celebrating with family- I drew the line and have not erased it yet. We don't celebrate outside of each other- it's just too hard. We made a new tradition after Chris left us and we are completely satisfied with that tradition now. We light a candle for Chris through the holidays (Chris's candel), we set the table where Chris sat and we put his picture there, and we still put his stocking out (which we fill with items to be donated to a child in need). I still buy Mike a gift from Chris and it really feels good to do that.

These are just some thoughts on how we do our Christmas now. Take it easy on yourself through the holidays and allow yourself to set "new" ground rules that both you and your children can function under.

Peace to you, Tina