Loss of an Adult Child

[jajjaaj]

Hello Betty Ann,

It is really heart breaking to watch our children suffer through the loss of their sibling. It was my 16-year old son I worried about. He didn't cry... he didn't say much of anything. I knew he loved his sister and thought the world of her. He wanted to make his life to follow that of his sister. He was the kind of kid that things didn't bother him much. He was very laid back. When the anger started coming out, he was lashing out at everyone for stupid things. I was shocked, but I knew where it was coming from. And I was kind of glad that it was finally coming out. I had talked to him several times about seeing someone and he absolutely refused. I had heard that seeing a therapist too soon was not a good idea, so I waited... I loved him... I hugged him and told him I understood. Finally after 11 months after the loss of April I approached him and told him that I knew he couldn't talk to me about everything that was on his mind and that it was o.k. to talk to a 3rd person that would keep his thoughts confidential. I told him that I wanted to take away the pain, but I was honest with him that I just didn't have all the answers for him and didn't know how to make this situation better. I told him the therapist was not there to twist his mind or change him. The therapist wasn't going to tell him that he was crazy. I also told him that in this day and age, many people went to talk to someone to help them see a different perspective that they may not have considered. Nobody thinks you are crazy just because. The therapist's are trained to help deal with a loss, this is what they do. Then I told him that I knew he was an intelligent kid and it would never hurt to at least try a session just this once. If he didn't like the first session, he didn't have to go back. I knew this could backfire on me, so I was sure to find recommendations on a good therapist that I thought would fit him and the situation, then made an appointment. He reluctantly agreed. I promised him that it would be just between him and the therapist. When I picked him up from the session, he had a smile on his face and he had already made another appointment. I'm glad it worked. I think for young men the idea of going to someone that "fixes heads", is something they feel they could do without.

Hope this helps a little. I know how hard it is for parents who not only are dealing with the loss of their child, but feel like they are losing their surviving children as well. It just makes the pain quite unbearable.

Many hugs,

April's Mom Cyndi

[maskott]

Cyndi...thanks for the response...all help is certainly appreciated. He is seeing a minister right now which is what is bringing the emotions to the surface. I just talked to the counseling service at his college. I'm going to try to get him to go to them but I don't know if he will. He feels good about the minister so I don't want to push him. The psychologist at the school said that he needs to do things at his own time. If he feels school is too much than he needs to widraw and just get his life back in order. I'm trying to get help from all angles right now. Thanks for you help and conern. I'll let you know how the talk goes.

BettyAnn

[nicksmom21]

When will we ever get streaks of "better" days... Received a call from my sister early yesterday morning out of state, her husband passed Monday night... She said it wasn't too along ago she was comforting me... As I look at all the posts I sit here and shake my head in agreement with the words y ou all write, the friends and some co workers who think that just because you don't constantly walk around in tears and outbursts that your not hurting anymore, the conversation of how many kids to you h ave and when you reply 2 daughters and a son that was killed the instant backtracking of that person...For the siblings that have yet not come to grips, who can't grieve or don't know what is expected of them , prayers of comfort for them... And for all of u s that we make it through the holidays maybe not trying to avoid them this year, but welcoming our loved ones into our hearts to guide us on this journey without them..My daughter gave me an ornament last year that was inscribed "I love you all dearly, now don't shed a tear, I'm spending my Christmas with Jesus this year"... I think when I hopefully get over my why did you have to take my son from me, and can not doubt my faith , that will be the beginning of healing for me...For although I want so hard to believe that they are in a far better place, I still argue silently within my own mind of that places very existence.. So needless to say, I hope I find the faith I so desparately need.....

[julsmom]

BettyAnn - I am sorry to hear about Scott. I will try to email you tonight/tomorrow, sorry I have been remiss. Life out of control again. My prayers are with you. (I'm at work otherwise I would email). Peace, Lynda

[Guest Guest]

I lost a son very recently. I am so devastated.

[mattsdad]

Dear Guest,

I am very sorry to hear of your loss.

If you are looking for a place to visit with other heartbroken people you came to the right place. We are all at different degrees of loss and grief. You will find alot of the understanding and help from this group of people.

Jeff

[mattsdad]

Not to beat a dead horse, but I am getting very tired(resentful?) of seeing most of the people I come in contact with everyday living their lives without, seemingly, a care in the world. We live in a small town and most people know each other, if not by name, then by sight. Many know what happened to Matthew in August. Don't I wish that maybe once in a WHILE someone would ask how things are going. Is it that they are afraid of bringing up his name and upsetting me, or is it that they just don't care. I promise not to bite anyones head off. Just offer your concern. I do not wallow in self pity, but I am hurt that it seems that Matthew NEVER existed outside of our immediate family.

Matthew had dozens of friends in town--was very popular. Come on kids---drop a note or give us a call.

Dealing with the "merriment" of the coming holidays makes me resentful that no one seems to care that this holiday is going to suck for our family.

I will wish everyone a Merry Christmas that I see before the holidays. And they will respond in kind. But,I would rather hear,"Hey, Jeff. How are you and the family?"

Sorry for being negative, but the race to the holidays is on. I don't look forward to the checkered flag.

Thanks for listening.

Jeff

[julsmom]

Mattsdad (Jeff) You are not beating a dead horse, we all feel the same. Most folks just plain don't know what to say and don't want to upset us more. As for Christmas that's another story all together. We stayed out of the malls, shopped by catalog, or online. Avoided most social events. You and your family have to do what's best for all of you. May we all find peace this holiday season. Lynda

[maskott]

Just to let everyone know how things went yesterday with Scott. We had a talk in the afternoon that went alright. He didn't talk much but I explained my feelings and how the people on this sight feel the same. I know it helped him at least to know that his feelings are normal. Last night, however, we had a good talk. At 1:00 this morning, he couldn't sleep. We ended up talking from 1:00 to 3:30. Then I had to get up at 5:00. At least I know I'll sleep tonight. The minister wants to meet with the two of us this afternoon. As we all know, this isn't going to change his feelings or take away the pain but hopefully it will help him to understand what he's feeling. It's so hard just dealing with this myself but having to care so much about how Scott & Kristin are doing is making me so tired. Feeling sorry for myself. Jeff & I make a good pair.

BettyAnn

[donosmom]

Maskott, you have brought back many memories of the first year. I spent many many nights up talking to my 2 youngers kids who were 17 and 18 when Matthew died. I wasn't sleeping much anyway and "concern people" kept telling me to take something to help, but it was always in the middle of the night that the kids would come and get me, sobbing and feeling so hopeless and scared. I had to be available. It was when everything was quiet and no distractions that they would fall apart and need me. I wasn't much good otherwise to them so I had to be available then. We had very good talks then. We still have some of them but they aren't as frequent.

The first 2 Christmas's after Matthew died we tried to have a Christmas for the other kids, but this year our oldest daughter is in Alaska, youngest in Colorado and our son is married and having Christmas at his wifes family so we are off the hook. I don't plan to decorate or do anything, I'm tired of keeping up the appearance, I'm just tired period. And I am tired of everyone thinking we should be make to normal, we no longer have a normal.

Matthew was an organ donor and we have gotten close to one of the recipients, that has probably been the best thing for us, the remember everything, and they want to know everything about Matt so with them we get to talk about him. That has been really good for us.

Ok I am rambling again.

Matthew's mama Mary

11-3-79 - 7-13-03

[maskott]

Mary...thanks for the input. I know as a parent I have to be there whenever they need it. Even though they are 18 and 22, their pain is just as horrible as ours. Neither one will open up to me on a regular basis so I have to wait till it gets so unbearable for them.

For Christmas my mother has always insisted we spend it with our family. We go to her house because she is 90 years old and doesn't leave the house. I told her that I don't think I can make a family affair. We will go to her house in the morning and spend time with her but then we will go home and spend Christmas dinner at home. Haven't gotten any further than that.

This past week I've been thinking a lot about how my father used to hold me in his arms and say he would take care of everything. I want that now...however, my father died 23 years ago. I went to his grave this past weekend and honestly felt his arms around me. Things were calm, then Scott broke down and I'm back to taking care of things again. Lunch time...gotta go. Thanks for responding.

BettyAnn (mother of Matthew 3/26/81-8/07/05)

[triumphmama]

I am fairly new to this board. I have read a little, posted once in the wee hours this morning as a guest. It will be 3 months on November 27th that I lost my oldest son. I am struggling just to get through day by day. I need encouragement. I am totally uninterested in living.

[rmcaggiano]

Dear Triumphmama,

Hello, I'm sorry that you or I have to have ever thought

that we would be on such a site as this one. Not in a million yrs.

I'm sorry about your son. I too lost mine six months ago on Mother's

Day. I know how aweful and the torment you feel. My Nicholas is 21.

I had to bury him two months to the day he turned 21.

Please just know that I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I

don't know if going on is possible. I have two daughers and

if it weren't for them I would be with my Nicholas right

now. Please, know you too are in my thoughts.

Remember one thing, Don't come to this site to let yourself get

brought down some more. I do go to one on one counseling, I can

speak of what is going on right now.

How old is your son? What is his name? What happened?

Again, I am so sorry!

Rose

[heartbrokendad]

Hi Rose,

Its been a while, how are you doing???

[maskott]

Triumphmama....I lost my son matthew 3 months ago 11/07. We are close in the grieving process. It's certainly not easy. I take it one breath at a time. Let us know your feelings and certainly someone who has been through this a little longer than us will always be there to help you through. Just know that everyone here has been through what we are going through. Keep posting.

BettyAnn

[Artina]

Triumphmama,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my son almost four years ago. It has been a very difficult road. The first year was full of hopelessness- I wanted to give up. The world that I knew was GONE. The only thing that kept me going was my living child. I put my feet on the floor every morning for him. After almost four years, "hope" has surfaced again. I still miss my son every minute of every day, but I don't have the intense hurt that used to fill my world. My grief lives side by side with my "life". I smile, laugh, hope, cry and hurt. Please don't give up... it will get better. I know that you can't see that now, but it does get better.

Peace to you, Tina

[danielsmom]

Rhonda68 I am sorry it took me so long to answer you.I live in Quebec I also wish that we were near each other so we could meet and talk.I know that you are dealing with all of the firsts just as I am.Daniels birthday is on Sunday and I keep thinking about his birthday last year who would have thought that would be his last birthday.He should be here to turn 20.I can't even think about Christmas but it is a holiday that is hard to avoid it is every where.Anytime you would like to e-mail me please do my e-mail address is wendy.n.smith@sympatico.ca

Take care of yourself

Wendy Daniels Mom

[enufalreddy]

Well, I had another meltdown today. First real snowfall and I can't bear the thought of my baby out there under the snowy cold ground. I just want to die. Why did he do this to himself? How could he do this to all the people who need and love him? I get sad...I get angry...but it all comes out in tears.I sometimes feel like I won't be able to get through another day sane. Like if just one more bad thing happens I will didintegrate.God help us all. .. Erma

[brknhrt]

Just a question...as parents of children who are dead, are we destined to walk the earth for the rest of our lives in pain? Is death the only relief we will ever recieve? I know there are no real answers I just feel gloomy today. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

[enufalreddy]

that is...disintegrate.........can't even type

[rhonda68]

Oh how I understand all the pain here. The last Birthday who would have thought the first dance at a Wedding would be our last and how much fun we had. And oh the pain to go to his grave and see him covered in snow and all cold and dark I just want to take care of him. And oh how my heart aches day and night. Also to have just about every friend you ever had desert you when you need them most. I am trying to start a new life with different friends and get rid of the old me. People dont get it out here only here do I find comfort because you understand my pain.

Love and big hugs to all,

Richards Mom

[gleslielucy]

hi everyone, i lost my son may 16th 2005. the day after his 29th. birthday, to a cocaine overdose. we thought for mths. he had a heart attack, but the coroner says accidental overdose. i've been reading the posts and realize what i feel is normal. i thought i was being a big baby. i cry everyday (i try to be private), my nights are restless, and i can't stop wondering what if. it doesn't matter how he died to me. it's that he is gone and things will never be the same. we lived in different states, so i didn't know his lifestyle. it was devastating. thx for listening. g.

[brknhrt]

I just listened to the song "Better Days" by the Goo Goo dolls. It is a great song, life affirming and positive. I'm looking for alternatives to the dismal carols of the season. Peace to all who suffer our pain.

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Gleslielucy,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your child, I have lost two children to drugs and their effects. My daughter died from a heroin overdose, and my son died the day he was to enter rehab. CarrieAnn died on 11/3/02, Matthew died on 7/16/03.

It never gets easier, just more bearable?? Write if you feel up to it..

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[rmcaggiano]

Dear Heartbrokendad,

Hello to you too! Thanks for the reply! Nothing is

going well at all. How are you? It seems that this

whole year seems to be getting worse ever since I

lost my Nicholas, and I do mean everything. The

time isn't getting any better, I do miss him more

and more, I'm sure you must know that. I will write

more later. Again, thanks

Rose

[rmcaggiano]

Dear Gleslielucy,

I too lost my son to an overdose, on May 8th, 2005, six

months ago. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Rose

[triumphmama]

Thank you ladies for your comments/concern. My son's name is Jadon. He passed away on Aug. 27th. He was 20... he would have been 21 in January 06. He was so looking forward to that birthday. The actual circumstances of his death are extremely complicated and involve legal matters so please understand that I will be limited on what I share... for now. It is still being investigated by the state. That is another thing that is making it so hard to heal.. the not knowing everything. I am so sorry we all have such sorrow to bear in the loss of our beloved children. God bless you all.

[rhonda68]

Hi everyone I just got a letter from a friend I guess you would really say ex friend. I am really upset the letter stated I needed to get on with my life and quit wallowing in self pitty and that the only reason I want to be with others that have lost children is to wallow in self pitty. It stated the old Rhonda should come back. It stated that I just need to be kicked in the ass and get on with living instead of being stuck with the dead. I am really really mad hurt and offended does anyone else ever had such rude people that no nothing.

[enufalreddy]

Thought for once I would share when I am having a better day. I finally realized that Walter\'s body was cold before we put it in the ground. The snow can\'t hurt him. And remembered that what is truly my son is free as a bird flying around up there with the angels.He knows peace beyond human understanding. So tonight I will rest and be grateful.Thank you all for being here and sharing your pain and recovery with me.I really need you all to get through these hurdles.And hope that anything I say might help someone else............Erma

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Rhonda68,

My ex brother-in-law said to me "I cant believe youd be this upset over the loss of your daughter" 8 months later, after my son Matthew died, I didnt even hear from him.

My "wife" who is no longer my wife, said ,on the day I found out that my daughter died, she wasnt my wifes daughter, "I have to go to work tomorrow". I am well aware of the nasty, stupid, hurtful things that people can and do say...

I also believe in karma...

Stay strong...

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[jajjaaj]

It has been one year and 16 days since I lost my 21-year old baby girl to PC. The shock of it was we didn’t even know she was sick. April had been to the doctor for some mild symptoms, but it wasn’t till the coroner did the exam that we heard she had cancer. I know she was lucky in that a blood vessel burst in the cancer and she bled to death internally. Like passing out. She didn’t suffer like many do with PC, she went to sleep. Still, a part of me wishes I had known. I would have been there to fight it with her, to love her, to kiss her forehead and tell her I loved her and that I would be with her every step of the way.

Heartbrokendad, this last year has been the most devastating in my life. Other events in my life do not compare. They are nothing. I’ve heard from other parents that losing your child can change a marriage, a seemingly good one to divorce or a bad one even worse. I know I’m lucky. I was with my husband 6 years before marrying. I wanted to be sure. We married 2 months before April’s passing and it was the best thing I could have done for me. When I heard the news, my husband was right there and drove us 16 hours to the state where April was attending college. At my mothers house, my husband was the quiet one taking care of everyone else. He repaired leaky faucets, prepared the meals, he was tuned to what everyone needed without asking and would do it. He took 3 weeks off from work to take care of me and my surviving children. He never complained. In the last year when I lost it mentally, he was there… patient. He never told me to get over it and when others told him I should get on with my life, he told them that life would never be the same for me that I would never get over it. He is my rock. The people who are so insensitive to say such ugly things as you have experienced… they have no idea the extent of your pain. Of course the only time they would really understand is if… and God forbid… if they ever came to a point in their lives when they would have to walk in your shoes. Worse… if the devastation happened twice. This year I died, and you… have died twice. Your pain is immense. I’m hurting for you.

Rhonda68… this person truly is not a friend. How dare this person tell you to stop wallowing in self pity? It seems that this person, in their own insecurity, feels threatened and feels you are stealing the stage light. How can one be so ugly in the midst of their own demented mind? This is what one would call a toxic friend. Please respond to this person with a letter and let them know how you feel and that you wish no more contact by letter nor by phone. This is someone that is hurtful and does not think of what they are doing to you, they only think of themselves, but will come with excuses to cover their own self pity. The fact is, we are all here to “wallow”, it was not a choice but an act of survival. And really, the only person that needs to be kicked in the ass is the one that says such low down, hurtful things.

I say to all here, avoid these people like the plague. They may think they are helping, but in the midst of our pain, we are still aware that these comments are not helpful. Positive thoughts are not easy to come by for us... we struggle. Negative thoughts are definitly not something we need or want. We need to tell them they are not being helpful and if they are good listeners they will quit. If not…. they are not worth our time and effort when our time to heal is so much more important. The truth is, we will never be our old selves again. We are different, with different perspectives on life in general. There is no going back. We are like infants learning to walk and to talk. As much as we would like our lives back, we know that will never be. For me, I’ve resigned myself to living with the new me. I don’t like it, but here I am. For the rest of the world… this is the new me… take it or leave it.

I’m thinking of all of you and your daily struggle to see the morning sunshine with great appreciation and... to breathe.

April’s Mom,

Cyndi

[rhonda68]

Dear Stu I am so sorry for your trajic losses and I think alot of you trying to help other people I give you alot of credit. My hope is to someday be able to help as well. I am also so sorry that people closest to you would act in this way my heart just aches that people can be so cruel I also feel very angry and wish these people could deal with this so they no what its like I know that may sound evil and i feel evil but I cant help it I am just so so angry! I f people would support us instead of being so nasty I know that would help us so much more.

Dear Cyndi I am so happy you have someone like your husband that helps you. I am lucky as to having my parents and a boyfriend to lean on. They have been very supportive. I am trying to create a new me and get rid of the old me and the nasty people in it. I have an ex husband that emails me and tells me to F off just very unkind like these nasty ex friends I have. Yes I am getting rid of them all and only having supportive people in my life from now on. thanks I did write back to these creepy people and told them I know longer wanted them in my life and thanks for your advice.

Love,

Rhonda

[daveydow1]

To all those who have recently come to BI,

and to those approaching the first holidays.

I have so much feeling for you and the painful times

you are having. I am 2 and a half years into this terrible

journey, having lost my 31 yr. old son, David, in a traffic

crash that could have been avoided by the other driver. I

pray that somehow you can get through the holidays. The first

holidays without my son, I was just in a "shutdown" mode, and

since then, have just kept it all low-key. I know how other

people want you to join in, and want you to "cheer up", but it

is not possible, so I just ignored it and held on for January.

Rhonda 68--- It is unbelievable that anyone could write you a

letter with such nasty and uncalled-for remarks. I think some

people think that the "tough love" approach is in order when

dealing with the berieved parents, as in the situation of an

unruly teenager, but it is totally inappropriate in the case of

sayiny anything to people (especially parents of a lost child)

who are grieving. As Jajjaaj said....we are new people trying to

make our way in a strange and horrible circumstance. If people

don't like it....they can take it or leave it. Those who spout

"tough love" advice, and nasty remarks have obviously never heard

of the saying ....."if you can't say anything nice,..don't say

anything at all". If only those clods would go by the saying...

[Artina]

I am just amazed at how unthoughtful some people can be. Here is a thought- not too many people go through one life-time without experiencing the loss of a loved one. Thus, set your boundaries and know that some day the people who have hurt you will someday understand your pain and the fact that they made your journey harder- shame on them!

Peace to all, Tina

[Artina]

I posted this on another site and thought I would share it with all of you too.

January 4, will mark four years since my son crossed over. I remember the first time I posted... I was so lost in my pain. I traveled my mind on a daily basis, getting caught up on any memory that did not support my son's life. I would sit and untangle memories looking for an anecdote that would ease my pain, only to find shreds of evidence that kept me locked up in my guilt. I would paint myself into a dark corner, until I realized that I was the one with the paintbrush. I had regrets that stemmed from- not making his favorite dish when he wanted it to not cleaning his room. Regrets that wouldn't have ever made it to my memory bank if my son was still alive. I have worked through those regrets... I know that I never made one decision that was meant to make my son's life more difficult. That was NEVER part of my decision making process.

I think it is normal for grieving parents to comb through the fine lines of their memories, stumbling over sad memories in order to salvage good memories. We get caught up on the "sad" memories, because we are already sad. I got to a point that I visited those "sad" memories so much that they stopped hurting as bad as they did at first. I lost most of the guilt after about a year and a half. I know that I gave my son everything that I had to give- emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

Continue to take little steps- they get you somewhere that is further away from where you are now. I found that reading “life after death books”, walking, and talking lead me in the right direction. I still miss my son and I have bad days, but I also have good days. Life has revealed a new world to me- it doesn’t have the same zest that my prior life had- but I have chosen to take from it what I will need to live out the rest of my life with my living son and husband.

Peace to you, Tina

[kathy714]

Dear Gleslielucy,i too lost my son,Nathan,on his 21st birthday last Jan31,2005.Iam very sorry the the lost of your son,I found thiss website about a month after losing my son,and it has helped me so much,not a day goes by ,that i don't at least read the post.i think you will find the comfort and support you need ,through others here,everyone here knows and understands what you are going through,you will be in my prayers T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Artina,i just read you post ,it is true i find myself thinking back at all the things i should or could of done differently,for instant Nathan always wanted a dirt bike,and finally,when he got old enough it bought one himself,right after Nathan crossed over ,new neighbors moved in and they must have 3 or 4 dirt bikes and mtv's that they ride around on ,andeverytime i see them ,they remind me of Nate and his love for dirt bike's and how i never bought him one.One thing i am thankful for ,though is i definently spent a lot of time with my son and we really did have a good relationship.There will always be those thoughts and questions though,whether or not i did enough for my son, and the what if's.THANK YOU ,I always find something i am able to use when i read your post,god bless,i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers T/C Kathy

[kathy714]

Dear Artina,i just read you post ,it is true i find myself thinking back at all the things i should or could of done differently,for instant Nathan always wanted a dirt bike,and finally,when he got old enough it bought one himself,right after Nathan crossed over ,new neighbors moved in and they must have 3 or 4 dirt bikes and mtv's that they ride around on ,andeverytime i see them ,they remind me of Nate and his love for dirt bike's and how i never bought him one.One thing i am thankful for ,though is i definently spent a lot of time with my son and we really did have a good relationship.There will always be those thoughts and questions though,whether or not i did enough for my son, and the what if's.THANK YOU ,I always find something i am able to use when i read your post,god bless,i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers T/C Kathy

[rhonda68]

Thank you so much again for your replys it makes me feel some better just knowing people understand how I feel. Again I dont know what I would do with out this site.

Kathy again we have something in common with our boys. My son really loved to ride dirt bikes too. I could never afford to buy him one but when he got a job he bought himself one. I had a dirt bike ingraved on the back of his head stone. Also when I was at a garage sale this summer i saw a toy dirt bike and put it beside him at his grave. I so long to have my boy and I know what you mean those questions in your head did I do good enough for him I tried the best I could and we too had a very good relationship and my heart aches I miss him so bad and just long to have my dear friend!

[Guest Guest]

I loss my only son December 11, 2004 in a motorcycle accident. We shared a very special relationship and he has always been the love of my life. I prayed to have a son and God decided to lend him to me for only 24 years. He lived a very exciting life full of adventures. My heart left my body when he passed to the other side. It is coming up to the one year anniversary of that dreadful day and I am very anxious and scared to face it again. Last Thanksgiving day he was at the house, laughing and enjoying our family gathering. He was at the house again on December 1, 2005 for his godchild's 6th birthday party. That was the last time we hugged and kissed and said goodbye.

How do I relive these days and not relive each one, counting down the days?

Again the entire family is falling into a deep depression and can't function knowing December is facing us.

Thanks for any input.

Alice24

[Guest Guest]

I loss my only son December 11, 2004 in a motorcycle accident. We shared a very special relationship and he has always been the love of my life. I prayed to have a son and God decided to lend him to me for only 24 years. He lived a very exciting life full of adventures. My heart left my body when he passed to the other side. It is coming up to the one year anniversary of that dreadful day and I am very anxious and scared to face it again. Last Thanksgiving day he was at the house, laughing and enjoying our family gathering. He was at the house again on December 1, 2005 for his godchild's 6th birthday party. That was the last time we hugged and kissed and said goodbye.

How do I relive these days and not relive each one, counting down the days?

Again the entire family is falling into a deep depression and can't function knowing December is facing us.

Thanks for any input.

Alice24

[nicksmom21]

Hi Alice, am so sorry to hear of your loss..I too lost my son in a motorcycle accident, (How he loved riding) his circumstances surrounding his accident are controversial and I can't go into detail at this time...My last picture of Nick was here at my home the December before h e passed, He was 22 and will be gone 2 years this February. His accident was on Friday the 13th and he died on the 18th..Those 5 days of wishing for a miracle were a slow torture, we weren't suppose to hold him or stimulate him in any way due to the pressure on his brain. We held on to the slighest hope of recovery..I ask him to give me "signs" that I will know he is in a better place...I wish an inner peace and comforting for all of us who share the loss of our children....

[daveydow1]

Guest,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know

that your 'angel day'---Dec. 11, coming up is causing you

and your family so much pain. There is little anyone can

say to ease your sorrow. I will be thinking of you, and

hoping that you will come to BI to read and post when you

feel that you can.

Peace be with you and your family.

David's mom forever

(9-26-71 ---- 6-14-2003)

[kirksdad]

Guest, facing the holiday season is bad enough without having to think about the anniversaries of one's children's death on top of that. Family has a very hard time with these feelings, especially during the holiday season, those feelings are magnified, especially in the first years. This is a great place to talk, and know that others are feeling hurt and growing into another life without their precious kids.

[Artina]

Guest,

I am sorry for your loss. As my BI friends have stated, angel dates are difficult and so are the holidays. When those two difficulties are combined one can only hang on and wait for the storm to pass. I have found that the days leading up to the "day" are far more difficult than the day. I have also found that the days following the "day" are, what I call, "the fall out days". I put so much into surviving the "day" that my body is left drained.

I lost my son on Jan 4, 2002, from injuries sustained in a snowmobile accident. After almost four years I have collected a lot of tools to get me through each day. Those tools help me dig myself out of the darkness. I have good days and take advantage of every minute that I can when those days arise. I pray that those moments increase for all of us.

Be easy on yourself and be sure to create boundaries that allow you to grieve the way that support you.

Peace to you, Tina

[kathy714]

Dear Rhonda,something tells me our sons would probaly be good friends if they had known each other,maybe they are together on the other side watching over us,I can't believe Jan 31st will be a year already.You will be in my thoughts and prayers during the holidaysT/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Guest,i am sorry for the loss of your son,i know this must be a very differcult time for you,i too lost my 21 year old son last year on his 21st birthday,Jan31st,i am having a really hard time right now,with the holidays coming and the his bithday and angel date both the same day.Ireally wish i could climb into bed ,put the covers over my head and stay there until spring!Iwill pray for you and everyone on BI to find some kind of peace during these hard times T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Tina,i noticed in your post you said you read alot of books about the after life,i was wondering if you ever heard of George Anderson,and if his book is a good book to read,and maybe you can let me know some others that are good to read,because i know there are so many out there,i would really like to read some that are worth reading. Thank you ,Kathy Nate's mom

[Artina]

Kathy714,

I have heard of George Anderson, but I have not read any of his books. I think I will get one though. My all time favorite book, is an oldie, by S. Ralph Harlow- "A Life After Death". I was loaned this book by an older woman who said she read it and read it after the loss of her dear husband. I read the book and then had to have one for myself. It is no longer in publication and I had to buy it from a used book store- Amazon.com or alibris.com are two great used book stores that are on-line. Anyway, it is the best book ever. I have also found great delight in John Edwards- "One Last Time". He has written a couple of other books that I read, but have found the book I listed to be the most comforting. I have read quite a few of Sylvia Brown's books, but they don't give me the comfort I am searching for- however, she does go into great length about the Spirit (which is good). James Van Praugh has quite a few books out that I have read and have found great comfort in. I have also found his meditation tapes to be very useful in quieting down my energy so as to open myself up for messages from my son. This may sound new age to some, but I have found it very healthy and God centered. I have read many other books on life after death, but none of them have reached out and touched me like S. Ralph Harlow. If you are searching for a book on "life after death"- just type that phrase in on one of the sites that I mentioned earlier and browse the boooks for the one that suits you.

Peace to you, Tina

[alice24]

Hi Alice, am so sorry to hear of your loss..I too lost my son in a motorcycle accident, (How he loved riding) his circumstances surrounding his accident are controversial and I can't go into detail at this time...My last picture of Nick was here at my home the December before h e passed, He was 22 and will be gone 2 years this February. His accident was on Friday the 13th and he died on the 18th..Those 5 days of wishing for a miracle were a slow torture, we weren't suppose to hold him or stimulate him in any way due to the pressure on his brain. We held on to the slighest hope of recovery..I ask him to give me "signs" that I will know he is in a better place...I wish an inner peace and comforting for all of us who share the loss of our children....