Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

MARYANN, IM SORRY YOUR DOWN...I WAS OVER THANKSGIVING AND SURE I WILL BE SOON...BUT HOLD ON TO BI WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU....THINKING OF YOU....I AM

GOOD NEWS KOURTNEY SUE (I CALL HER KOURTNEY SUELYNN) LOL...IS BETTER PNUMONIA IS GONE AND SHE MAY GET TO COME HOME TOM....SO THANK YOU AL FOR YOUR PRAYERS AND ANGELS..

GOT MY POEM AND PIC OF KOURTNEY TO THE PAPER TODAY SO IT WILL BE IN SUNDAYS PAPER FOR THE CANDEL LIGHTIING.....THE PIC IS THE ONE ON MY PAGE HERE TO THE LEFT...

SUSANNAH PRAYING ALL WENT WELL FOR YOU TODAY..

 

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

I am so sorry that so many of us are down.  I agree with Trudi that just signing on and seeing all the faces of our angels is the highlight of my day

 

Claudia please take care of yourselves and let others take care of you for a change and rest.

 

Leah   Glad to see you back  Thanks for wishing us well

 

Lorrie  Great news  Love the picture and poem

 

Bonnie thanks for the prayer and poem It touched my soul

 

Dee how selfless of you to make up the difference in the collection from your Christmas money.  I know teachers do that all the time.  Glad  Jon is safe

 

Suzzanah  I pray you achieved the desired outcome today

 

Sue so glad you had that special moment with your family

 

Greg  Thanks for the uplifting story  I did see that this AM and thoughtI have to admit that I teetered between Rage and Revenge for a while before I found you all and you helped me to reach this place of Grace and Resolve

 

Dan Hope you got off in time to put the Blanket down and that we get to see the picture

 

Sonya  I know how hard it is to do the play  It will be my 3rd Christmas without Stephen So hard to believe

 

Marcia  Hope your feeling better and you are enjoying your new frame.

 

Carol  I hope your eye is back to normal and that the car shopping has slowed down

 

MaryAnn I know how hard this is  Thanks for coming hee and posting

 

Kathy  LOve all the pictures  Praying for your peace

 

Colleen  Stay warm  Enjoy your Footfball game this week

 

Betsy   Thanks for your poem and pictures 

 

 Beth, Terrie, Lynn,  Thinking of you and all the Indigos  

 

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[mpsmom]

HUGS to everyone

[daveydow1]

Lorrie----Sending prayers for your little niece, Kourtney Sue,....that she may

soon be well again.

Kathy---Great photos of Tav and dear sweet Jessica. Love the one with

Santa Claus, and Tav with Jessica reading.

Sonya----Great to see Danielle's lovely face. We haven't moved yet. Just

having updates done to the house before moving in. It is only 8 mi. from

where we live now. Going back to the country!  When summer comes, we

can do our gardening...YAY!  (can't do that living in a condo  ).  Take care, friend.

MaryAnn---Sorry that you are feeling down, although it is entirely understandable

with the holidays & all. Sometimes I feel like just hiding out until January rolls

around . I do hope you will feel a bit better soon. In the meantime, come back

to BI where we all can say how we feel without someone judging us or being

annoyed or impatient. It's good to have a place to go like BI.

              Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry 

[Guest]

I only have a minute before my son arrives with my other two grandbabies.  Kaylee, 18mnths and Curtis 9 mnths get to stay here while daddy throws darts and mommy works. 

Just want you all to know I'm thinking of you.  I'm sorry that so many are having such a hard time today.  Today, I happen to be doing better.  I will try to get back by here later, if babies allow, to maybe throw some comfort, validation or just a shoulder your way.

Until then........know you are in my thoughts, heart and prayers. 

Today doesn't suck as bad.  The legal proceedings would have been for more interesting if we didn't have such a vested interest.  Five attorneys.  Five good attorneys.  All going at each other.  It was right out of the movies.  It would have been almost entertaining if the stakes weren't so high.

We'll have to wait and see what the judge says about it all on the 16th, whether we get the kids or not.

Well.........loving each of you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

Mrs. Cargal

i sure do wish i could have felt better last night i just feel a little funky today....

 

100 WEEKS AGO THIS IS WHAT KOURTNEY POSTED ON MY BEBO PAGE.. I MISS YOU BABY GIRL..

[mysonrich]

Hi Indigo's, I took the presents in today for the little boy that I "adopted" for Christmas gift giving. It was nice to see so many gifts, one very large room for various organizations. I walked in and could just say WOW. My gifts went to Head Start .

 

I started to feel sick to my stomach while doing this buying and wrapping and after I dropped them off this morning, a different floor at work, I almost lost it but managed to pause and gather myself and get going.  Maybe I shouldn't have thought, " Rich would have liked this at his age and I wonder what happened to his karaoke machine. " He wanted one one year.

The nativity is out but not out of the box yet. I know a wise man is missing. I know, or am pretty sure my klepto 3rd cousin has it. Oh well.

 

Betty and Greg, I know the rage and thought revenge but lacked a target. Working on resolve.

 

The dog video was great whoever sent it. Now I really want a dog.

 

Claudia, "give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it" Thanks

 

Carol, you made me laugh with the Chucky comment but you could never look like him.Hope the eye improves.

 

Susannah, Happy Anniversary to you both.

 

Mary Ann, I'm thinking spring for a move, maybe. We all know the pit, keep posting.

 

Lorri, good news about the baby.

 

Sonya, Dee, Trudi, Dan,Marcia,Lynn, Sue, everyone, may you all have a peaceful sleep.

 

Bonnie, when i read of Jason's visit I thought of the verses of the Bible, not that I read it a lot, but I remember people were at first frightened by the angels they encountered. Jason is an angel and definitely a guardian angel.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

 

[summergirl]

Thank you all for your wonderful words, thoughts and support....it has lifted my heart as I knew it would. It was a long time coming to be able to share my other 2 babies but am so glad I did.     They have been here 3 times to visit so yes Tavian knows them, in fact, Alexis bit him on his leg once and he certainly remembers that.  I keep in touch with them all the time but not able to visit as much as we would like, work and life gets in the way of traveling 800 miles...but through the phone and pics we pretty much keep up.  

Sue, I am so happy that you and your boys got to watch "Ultimate Gift" together.  It warms my soul.   So glad you got that remote - your beautiful daughter had a hand in that

Trudi - yes tough love is hard but needed. Love the rainbow pics....want to walk to the end of it !!

Carol - Yes my friend this is a "SAFE PLACE", comfort and understanding for one and all.  Thank you so much for your words.   Yes, the pic of Jess and her dad eye to eye is one of my most favorites of them together....they were having a great time and the laughter in their eyes makes me tear up each time I look at it.

Leah - so glad you stopped by to say hi.....it is ok if you are lost in self-pity...do that quite often myself....you has a better reason then us to be lost in self-pity??? Thinking of you and praying for a bit of peace for you.

Susannah - I am praying for GREAT NEWS on the 16th.....many prayers are being sent that those babies get to stay with you;)

Betsy - thoughts of Rich as you bought and wrapped...so diffacult to be able to pull ourselves together sometimes when we just want to fall apart.    Love what you said "I know the rage and thought revenge but lacked a target" - as though you read my mind....Peace

Marcia - always thinking of you...how is Amanda, family and that beautiful baby doing?

Lorrie - great news about little Kourtney Sue !!!

Greg - beautiful, perfect words to reflect on. As I always say, a man of little words but much wisdom in whatever you write.  Thank you.

I should be getting a disc of pics from Angel of the kids, hopefully one of her also, and I will download them. Angel is a wonderful mother, works hard. She and the 2 babies live with her brother who is single, they have a house together. I do not know if she has a man in her life or not, she does not say, I have told her I would understand if she met someone but she just says she is too busy being a mom to worry about a man. I believe she loves Bj but it would take alot for her to trust him to come back into her and the kids life. She does send him pics of them but will not let him talk to them as she say's it is too hard for them, he has come and went too many times in their short little lives and it has done some damage to them, thank goodness she was wise to get them both into therapy. They are doing well...I love talking to them.

Tonight after Tavian and I read we were laying there quietly and the next thing I know tears are falling from my eyes, Tavian looked at me and said "you miss mommy huh ?" and I said "yeah, alot" and then he put his little arm around me and patted my back and said "it's ok mi-mi, I have you, it will be ok" ----- ok, now I really cried and he just kept patting my back saying "it's ok, i'm here" - such a wise, wonderful, beautiful boy he is.....

Barry and I are off all day tomorrow to go finish the Christmas shopping, trim the tree on Saturday and by Sunday I will want to do nothing at all but sit in my comfy clothes.

Much love and gratitude to all of you here my friends. Kathy

[summergirl]

Tavian wrote this on our blackboard in the kitchen - I love it.....had to take a pic because I will look again and he will have erased it.

[Guest]

You do rock, Kathy!

It was a sad evening at our house.  8 yr old Mariah put her mom on her list of things she wanted for Christmas.  I told her mommy is always with her now even though she can't see her and can I get her a new picture of her mommy for her room.  She said she wanted a "new mom". 

I had her come sit by me, the laptop on my lap, with a picture of her mother's smiling face as the desktop.  "Do you want a different mommy?"  I asked.  "What do you mean?"

And, she just began to sob.  I held her while she sobbed for about 10 minutes and then she quieted.  Then, instead of talking, we wrote notes back and forth on her "scribble board". 

Mariah:  "I miss Mom."

Me:  "Me too."

Mariah:  "I love Mom."

Me:  "Me too."

Mariah:  "I miss her and want her back now."

Me:  "Me too."

We sat there, cuddled together, in Gary's big oversized chair.  7yr old Jasmine joined us.  They talked about their mommy's voice.  About her smile.  They talked about the way she said each of their names. 

Deep sigh.  They're all asleep now.  19mnth old Kaylee is sleeping next to me in our big bed until Mommy gets off work.  9 month old Curtis is asleep in the playpen in the living room with Grandpa watching over him - or watching TV, whichever gets louder. 

The irony of this case with the grandkids and the state.  Ex-son-in-law stood by his girlfriend, the perpetrator until about 4 weeks ago.  This has been on going for the last 9 months. 

Because of his inability to protect these children and his loyalty towards her, he will probably lose all his parental rights and Gary and I will be allowed to adopt all three.

She, on the other hand, will be reunified with her children in about a years time.  Because she never abused them. 

It was a very intense hour and a half today. 

I, on the other hand, am at peace (for the moment) with Stephanie's death.  I don't know why I am all of a sudden.  And, I don't know how long it will last.  But, for now, I do not have that piercing pain that takes your breath away, but somehow oxygen manages to get to your lungs so you still live.

However, I'm well aware that many of you are in that deep pain right this minute.  I wish I knew what to say to make it better.  I'm too new at this to know what to say. 

This all just sucks.  I'm just so grateful I have you to walk through it with.  And, I'm so sorry I have you to walk through it with.  Deep sigh.

I'm asking our children to send a little comfort, love and joy to each of you.  Some sign to help you through one more day. 

"Rich and Bonnie's ghost".  I shared that with Gary.  We love it.  Last night Gary sat beside me (in that big oversized chair) and I showed him the pictures of each of your children and told him their names, how old they were when they died, how they died and the date they died.  We shared the bond, the pain, and the knowing with each of your children. 

We looked at Tavian's pictures.  And, BJ's children.  We offered a prayer, together, on their behalf and for BJ.  We know all too well that story. 

I was just sharing with my husband why I've been spending so much time in his chair, wrapped in a blanket with the laptop on my lap.  He said he was grateful I found you all.  He was very scared for me before you came into my life.  He's also very sad you have to be here too.

Sending you all love and peace and asking (hopefully) for a sign from your children.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lostwoher]

Its been a long blistering cold day so wont say much except I too am so grateful to have this message board. So so sorry for the reason behind it but you all allow me to be me. Something Im not sure of anymore but here I am ... THANK YOU.

Love and hugs always,

Lynn

[ericasmom]

Susannah, I love that you had the peaceful communication with your little one, that seems a real stunning moment, one that must have brought great peace and trust to your Stephanie. There was her Mommy holding her precious Baby and they cried together, and you let her exhaust her tears, and allowed a silent conversation. This will resonate with your Little One, (sorry don't have their names straight yet, but I know that they are gorgeous), as she is finding that this place, this road, is filled with giant bumps and holes, but there are some straightaways too, there are some soft resting spots. You letting the kids, as Kathy does with Tav, giving them time to discuss and openly show how they are feeling is what will allow them to heal. Maybe Sus, that is why you feel at peace right now. This interaction allowed you to trust the process of grief too. Blessings as you go.

Kathy, I love that Tavian wrote what he did on the blackboard. MI MI ROCKS...you do. His world was shook, as was yours, and here you are still rockin. I am glad that Angel is a good Momma, I know that that must put your mind to rest a bit.

Betsy, youmake me laugh out loud some days. Ilove that your clepto-cousin might have a wise man. Families really are not like they were portrayed on tv when we were kids. I kept wondering when Father kNows Best would walk through my door and be my Dad. Yep, nothing like the family at the holidays. You said something else that made me grin, so thanks for the smile before bed. I am happy that you were able to deliver the gifts. It feels good to know that someone will have a special moment because of what we are able to provide, and the goodness and gold that this outreach causes in the givers...is forever. Whe I delivered the many wrapped packages that my students provided today to the church where the delivery operations stem from, I was in awe of the united effort that goes into this outreach. I put my name in with this group this year in early October, and here these same folks were that organize the families and the supporters, manning the tables and making sure that each name is ticked off. Tomorrow and Saturday, the volunteers that deliver will do their good works and feel the golden warmth in their spirits, knowing that we do make a difference in the lives of others.

Thanks Betty, the family we supported is not from our school but one of the schools in the area, however the Erica Reith fund does assist the kids at our school. It gives me great joy to write checks throughout the year that have my Daughter's name on them/

Peace to our precious ones,  help us take good steps so that we shine your lights along each path.

[ericasmom]

Loss and Repair

My heart beats to rhythms otherwise unknown

To the rhythms of loss and repair-

Loss and repair-

Loss and repair.

Each loss causes the need for work, for repair.

I must caulk in those fishers before they give way,

and spackle the deep creases where nests of grief rest against my heart.

I don’t live there the whole time,

But it is hard to leave the dark space,

 I force my self out into a new day and

design a new life,

using heart and spirit like a spinning wheel,

and with new strands of courage I weave,

beautiful and golden patches.

And I listen to the new rhythms of

Loss and repair.

By dee conmy

[mikesmum]

Today has been better. Steven is working in our town so I got to see him and yes hug the stuffing out of him.

This is for all Indigoes feeling the weight of life without their child at this time.....

[Guest]

Hi Indigo's.

Can't sleep.  Today's happenings keep playing through my mind.

The "what if's" are fighting with the "I should have said's".

To stress that Gary and I have no intention of keeping the kids from Kevin (ex son in law) we said he could have them for two hours at church this Saturday night.  But, no, I have to one up myself.  Not only can he have them for two hours Saturday night for church.  Why don't I drop them off at Godfather's pizza first?  Gary and I will pay for your dinners and then you can take them to church whose building is in the same parking area?

What!?  Am I freeking nuts?

I had selfish reasons.  Saturday night is Gary's work Christmas party and it starts at 6.  Prime rib. 

So....I'm risking my grandchildren's safety for one hour because I want steak.  Church doesn't start until 7.

There's the "what if's".  

"I should have said" nothing.  I should have kept my mouth shut.  Ugh!

It's already out there, though.

I have two brain cells left and they're fighting with each other.

Maybe there's a third brain cell because there is this thought that justifies myself by saying "He's going to get visitation anyway.  You might as well test him while the state still has authority to throw his ass in jail."

It's hard to sleep/rest with all that commotion in my head. 

Dee -I love the poem. It really describes this path well .Thank you for saying maybe I have some peace tonight because I helped Mariah in her grief.  Sometimes when moments of peace come I feel guilty, as if I'm somehow betraying Stephanie.  Or betraying myself.  maybe I think the peace is the same as approval when it's really just a moment of acceptance.  Another deep thought.  Maybe I have four brain cells.  This could be bad.  :?

I'm thinking of each of you.  Hoping you are getting rest.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Sus, sorry that you did not sleep, I am getting ready (LATE) for school, and I want to pat you on the back and tell you we have all done what you admitted to. We have all sacrificed a bit of this for a bit of that...you are not awful, you are in fact human. Goodness knows and so does Steph, that trying to have a bit of a party in the face of so much angst and legal wranglings is not a sin, it is a sign of your adult life.

Now you made me laugh out loud with your assumption that you have two brain cells battling it out, now maybe four. Funny, though I get that. I believe that the moments of peace we sometimes glimmer, are precious gifts that our Angels would like us to feel, like us to know that we will have more of those down the road. I know that you felt some guilt, but your Girl Stephanie,would want her Momma to let some of that guilt go, life is too short as we have all witnessed, to spend our hearts on guilt. We all do it to some extent, but remember to tell yourself what you would tell someone else on this road/ you need to know that that peace is fleeting right now, but it will increase as you fight the battles you are faced with, as you accept that this is life now and that you will figure out a path to carve for this new configuration.

TRUDI my dear,

thanks for the kinship.

She is a deep beat in my heart

A part of my everyday,

A cause for my tears of both joy and ache,

She is the breath in and

My next step.

[heartbeataway]

Betsy,

You are so gracious and have such a big heart to think and shop for a child when your heart is broken ...... great karma, I’m sure!

You’re also very funny ........ “my klepto third cousin” .......... ;-)

Dee,

your words ...... love your words.  Love you!

Sue,

Thank you for the name of the movie ....... I will try to find it.

Susannah,

I will pray for wisdom for the folks making the decision on the children.  No guilt ..... you realize the children are more important than prime rib and you know you could get a sitter if you needed one.  So, stop beating yourself up, they will be fine. Enjoy the prime rib! 

Kathy,

What a sweet message Tavian left on your bulletin board. Little things do mean a lot, eh?

Trudi,

"the weight of life without our children" ....... yep, somedays it's heavier than others.

Love you!

Our Christmas tree should arrive today ........ not sure if I’m happy or overwhelmed ....

Love for the journey,

Bonnie, Jason’s Mom

[briansdad]

Bonnie,

Don't feel bad we still don't have a tree.

Greg

[shorty16]

Kathy

Thank you for posting Tavian's message to you.  The smile on your face and look in your eyes must have been priceless.

Small things like this are so huge to us now.  Especially knowing how far you have come.

That is so great.

Colleen

[shorty16]

Indigo's

Aaron won his wrestling match last night.  Pinned the kid in less than 2 minutes.

Aaron seems to be taller than the other boys his weight.  My husband is 5'7" tall.  Aaron is already taller than him (doesn't take much).

My Grandmother's family was very tall, I sure hope AJ keeps growing, get some height in this family.

Colleen

[lolynbo]

JUST WANNA VENT FOR A MIN....

MY X HUSBAND IS A ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

KIMBERLYS DAD, HE IS ON FB...BRAGGN TO EVERYONE HIS SON GOT EXCEPTED TO OU, BLABLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH.....HOW PROUD HE IS OF HIM...(IM SURE HE IS)...HE JUST DOTES ON THIS KID...

BUT KIMBERLY A COLLEGE GRADUATE HERSELF..WORKED AND GOT TTHRU COLLEGE WITH GREAT GRADES...WITH NO FINANCIAL HELP FROM HER DAD JUST ME AND MONTY.....HAD GREAT JOB WITH FEE THE CHILDREN AND GOT FIRED WHILE WE WERE WITH KOURTNEY ALL THOSE MONTHS (THE STRANE WAS TOO MUCH FOR HER)...SHE FINALLY GETS ANOTHER JOB 6 MONTHS LATER (MONTY AND I PAY HER BILLS WHILE SHE IS OUT)...AND NOW HAS GREAT JOB WITH OPTOMITRIST AND IS GOING TO GO TO OPTOMITRIST SCHOOL (THE DOCS WILL PAY AS LONG AS SHE PASSES)..(IM SURE SHE WILL)....

HE JUST NEVER HELPS THIS POOR GIRL...NEVER DOES ANYTHING FOR HER EXCEPT PROMISES TO BUY HER A NEW CAR  WHEN SHE GRADUATES (HAS NOT GOT IT YET 5 YRS LATER) PAY HER SCHOOL LOANS (NOT YET HE HASNT DOEN CRAP)

HE MAKES ME SICK.....SO WHEN KIMMY HAD HER WRECK THE OTHER DAY MONTY JUST CALLED ROGER AND SAID.."HEY ARE YOU GOING TO HELP US WITH THIS CAR MESS?"...ROGER SAYS..."WE ARE FINANCIALLY STRAPPED...I CANT...WE HAVENT EVEN BEEN ON ANY TRIPS THIS YR".....BUT THERE IS PICS OF "THANKSGIVING IN CONNETICUT 09"...AND PICS OF "HIS AND  TAMMYS ISLAND GET AWAY 09".....AND TICKETS OF HIS SEASON OU FOOTBALL GAMES HE BOUGHT THIS YR...

GIVE ME A BREAK.........NO WONDER HE'S AN XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[lolynbo]

WE THGHT KOURTNEY SUE WOULD GET TO COME HOME TODAY..BUT THEY DID BLOOD WORK AND FOUND SHE STILL HAS INFECTION SO MAYBE SUN OR MON...KEEP PRAYING FOR HER SHE IS ONLY 5 WKS OLD

[daniellemom]

Lorri - Prayers for Kourtney Sure will continue. I'm also sorry about your x-husband. But I'm glad he is your x you could still be with the axxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

Colleen: What a great job Aaron did in less than 2 minutes. I hope Aaron reaches 6 feet! That would be great.

Kathy – Great message from Tavian.

Bonnie – We are getting our tree today also. Good luck!

Susannah – You go girl and let those 2 brain cells fight it out! You are too funny. You are only human and I know you will make the right decisions.

Trudi – Thanks for the angel hugs I could feel their wings around me! So glad that Stephen is working in your town, don’t hug him too tight!

Dee – Love the poem as always your words are great. When is the book coming out?

Lynn – I’m sending you warm thoughts!

Betsy – You are too funny I think we may have the same klepto 3rd cousin. You are so wonderful to buy presents and bring a smile to a wonderful young man. I know Rich is cheering you on.

Sherry – So glad to hear you are moving so you can have a garden. We will swap receipts.

Brian's momdukes – I’ sorry you were down yesterday, my pray for you is to have a brighter day today.

Sonya (Danielle’s Mom)

[shellbellsmom]

Good afternoon everyone.  The snow hasn’t stopped yet…Looking to relocate to a southern state soon.

Susannah don’t let the guilt take a hold of you….easy for me to say since I am going to therapy to relieve mine…but try and let it go and understanding all the mistakes, all the should a/could a/ would a’s  will still not change the outcome. You know what is right in your heart….and you still need to live your life, even though it’s different from what you envisioned.    Even though your evening had its sad moments, sounds like the grandbabies worked their magic and allowed you to have some peaceful moments for a change.

Dee as always beautiful poem and words- the line “forced myself out into a new day and design a new life- so true.  Wish all teachers had the compassion and love/desire to teach as you do.  I also enjoy writing check from our Michelle Lunn Hope Foundation checkbook …she would be so proud to be helping others and like you said, it’s nice to see her name live on. 

Trudi thanks for the HUGS.  Coleen what an athlete your son Aaron is…pinning someone so fast.  Lorrie, keeping little Kourney Sue in our prayers a little longer….Kathy what a loving boy Tavian is...you are his rock.

Sonya I remember visiting your daughter Danielle’s memorial website before because I recognized her photo.  She shared the same birthday as mine, (September 20^th) my daughter was also my first born, and also walked at an early age 8 months….so sorry our paths have crossed because of the lose of our precious girls. She was a beautiful girl….just wanted to share that. 

Just some pictures- 1st one is our weeping cherry tree decorated in all pink lights in memory of my Michelle....this was taken last night.

[align=center]

[/align][align=center]The snow didn't stop all yesterday....

[/align] [align=center]

Why I am looking to move south....yucky stuff-

[/align][align=center]

[/align]Had to go out this morning and drive on the roads....a sheet of ice, but hopefully the temps are suppose to go above 20 today so the salt can do its magic. 

Wishing everyone a peaceful relaxing day filled with wonderful memories of their angels.  Sue

[shellbellsmom]

Wanted to share another thing.  This week I have been blessed with what I believe to be 3 different heavenly hellos.  One I shared earlier, but this one happened yesterday and I forgot to mention it.  I came across a video post on FB from Claudia yesterday and opened it up to view....then I noticed it was 1:43:00 minutes long- not 1 minute but 1 hour- 43 minutes long.  At that point I decided it was way too long to watch but I kept in on as I unloaded the dryer and folded the clothes. It started out this preacher talking about how hard it was for some during the holidays with their loses....divorces, job losses, and then it talked about parents, friends and finally children.  I am not one to listen to preachers....I am a HUGE believer but consider myself more spiritual then a devote Catholic as I was raised. Anyways...it was playing and I was listening.   When they got to children the preacher told of his recent lose of his son...and told how difficult it had been on him...then he introduced his special guest Steven Curtis Chapman, a singer-songwriter who also recently losed this 5 year old daughter.  

At this point, I kept the video running and laid myself on the couch thinking I would take a little nap while listening to some of his music.  We'll I did lie on the couch but I never dozed off...I laid there listening to them talk about their grief journey and how life has changed so drastically in the snap of a finger when their child died.  Anyways the video flew by and I actually was very comforted by it....Thank Claudia.  It was one of those things I felt (like the movie the day before) I was supposed to hear.  Anyways after it was over I thought I would share it with a couple of my new friends who will be celebrating their 1st Christmas without their child this year.  I wrote a short private message to them and wished them well and before I clicked the send button the phone rang.  I got up and went into the kitchen to answer the phone.  When I answered it our connect was very weak...and the voice was very crackling ....but I thought I made out that they were saying Hello....twice, and then the phone went dead.  I checked the caller- ID number and it said "Out of Area" which is strange because it usually says "Unavailable or Private".  Immediately a smile came to my face....and I got a little warm feeling inside of me....Could it have been my Michelle paying me a little heavenly HELLO?  I believe it was.  Anyways just wanted to share. 

[mikesmum]

Sue - Dee wrote once 'we are where we are supposed to be' and hard as it is - there are times, like the movie, the preacher and the phone that gives us a sign that its true, you were supposed to be snoozing on the couch so you could get to the phone. 

I love your weeping cherry.  Are their obs amongst the snowflakes?   For those of us without the 'snow' pls explain the salt on roads.  Did see some of the salt bins in Scotland for their winter, forgot to ask the process.  Do you have similar throughout Michigan etc?

Bonnie - Hope the tree allows warm memories of the 'Jay Years'.  I bought new LED lights (not as expensive as the LED TV!).  The decorations are all from the "Mike Years".  Some are 33yrs old, from his first Christmas. Our tree will be here all things being equal Friday.

Lorri - In relation to the Asssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssse! 

Throughout my kids biological dad was fianancially emotionally and spiritually unavailable.   When we seperated he took 2yrs to make contact. He says he didn't know where we lived - I was with my parents!  His visits were once every three months on a Sunday between 9-5. He managed 2 over a year.  He retired at 38 with his GF.  Throughout Mike & Stevens struggles he never came near. 

He did offer once for Mike to come to Tasmania but could never decide what date would suit.   At the funeral he introduced himself as Mikes dad......confused the **** out of everyone who knew Mike. (lol)

The thing is, for all the heartache, the tough times, the loss -   I have grandbabies who know me and I love with all my being.  I have the priviledge of seeing Steven, like the phoenix rise and spread his wings, and I have Micheal Shane now and always - He has in my eyes the biggest loss, not being part of the lives of these amazing kids..........

Susannah - I reckoned on having two parts to my brain.  The emotional brain that really ties me up in knots and the intelligent/clinical brain that is cold.  Some days they fight like cats and dogs in my head!    Be a little kinder to yourself.  Your commitment to Stephanie and your grandies is undeniable.  You need to do what is right for you and the grandies given they are now part of your life......

Wet, cold and foggy here.......will be walking the hound and maybe if I'm a good girl I'll get a coffee...

[mikesmum]

Hey Indigos - As I do, after Sue's posting I looked up Steven Chapmans music on Youtube.....

This is something that struck a chord with me - yes its about loss - but its so much more..

" I'll be remembering you" - Always will.......

[lolynbo]

The Cord

We are connected,

My child and I, by

An invisible cord

Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord

That connects us 'til birth

This cord can't been seen

By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work

Right from the start.

It binds us together

Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there

Though no one can see

The invisible cord

From my child to me.

The strength of this cord

Is hard to describe.

It can't be destroyed

It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord

Man could create

It withstands the test

Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,

Though you're not here with me,

The cord is still there

But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart

I am bruised...I am sore,

But this cord is my lifeline

As never before.

I am thankful that God

Connects us this way

A mother and child

Death can't take it away!

THIS IS A GOOD ONE I JUST FOUND..

[lolynbo]

1304$ monty and i get to pay for her wreck...TOTAL DAMAGE WAS 2554.00$...BUT SHE HAS 1250 DEDUCT...(CUZ SHE HAS SO MANY WRECKS)...THIS IS A GIRL THAT WANTS A NEW CAR...(GOD HELP HER)..

HER DAD WONT HELP PAY FOR IT SO I GUESS THIS IS HER CHRISTMAS PRESENT...WE ONLY WENT OVER 1000.00 WHAT I WAS GOING TO SPEND ON HER..

[4everjoeysmom]

Sue, I am SO GLAD that Steven Curtis Chapman's music and some of what he and Greg Laurie shared about their losses touched you so deeply. I listened to it all the way through today, shed a lot of tears, but at the same time felt so comforted that those men who have such strong faith stumble and ride the "tsunami waves" just like we do. There is nothing graceful about pain & suffering, loss & grief. It just is what it is. It does essentially matter whether or not we choose to live or be a shell, and how we move through our grief in the face of others...in terms of offering hope that we will survive and the belief that death isn't the end. BUT when we're in the thick of it, it's as they said, RAW and BROKEN. We are raw and broken. The fellowship of suffering they spoke of is what we share here, and it does help to know we are not alone and that we are understood.

My husband is a minister, and he listened to the program with me. Several times along the way he mentioned that he was "learning"... I think he understood so much more, because here were these two guys saying the very things that I have been saying since July 2006. Maybe he "gets it" a little more than before. For me, that's a gift. I am a minister's wife. BUT I AM STILL A WOMAN WHO SUFFERED THE LOSS OF A CHILD. God bless us all and bring comfort and healing in ways we never imagined... xoxoxo

[4everjoeysmom]

P.s. Steven Curtis Chapman's CD is BEAUTY WILL RISE. It was released 2 months ago and is entirely based on his grief journey that began May 21, 2008, when his son backed out of the driveway and ran over the 5 year old daughter. That family has gone through a lot, and yet shines hope in unbelievable measures... You don't have to be Christian to understand what he expresses in his music... It's just simply raw, broken, and beautiful...

The video I posted on FB yesterday, I also posted on the Grieving & Loss/Christian Loss of a Child thread, in case anyone would like to go and download it. It really is VERY GOOD. xoxoxo

[briansdad]

[user=16030]4everjoeysmom[/user] wrote:

P.s. Steven Curtis Chapman's CD is BEAUTY WILL RISE. It was released 2 months ago and is entirely based on his grief journey that began May 21, 2008, when his son backed out of the driveway and ran over the 5 year old daughter. That family has gone through a lot, and yet shines hope in unbelievable measures... You don't have to be Christian to understand what he expresses in his music... It's just simply raw, broken, and beautiful...

The video I posted on FB yesterday, I also posted on the Grieving & Loss/Christian Loss of a Child thread, in case anyone would like to go and download it. It really is VERY GOOD. xoxoxo

That is by far the best CD I ever bought because it speaks to so many of the questions I had when Brian died. Coming from a man who in my mind was much closer to God than I. It makes me feel better about things I thought and said. The only other one that comes close is Cindy Bullins CD Some where between heaven and earth.

[hotsauce]

Hello to EVERYONE here at BI, i hope you all have a great weekend.

the weather in delaware is super cold and windy.

LORRI, the "Cord" was beautiful.

hugs to everyone.

mary ann

Brian's momdukes

[4everjoeysmom]

There is a story Steven shared in the video I posted about a couple of "signs" he felt his daughter had left him. I know this has been a topic of many here, and I found it awesome and amazingly comforting too that Steven shared that unabashedly. It's as we also have said, that maybe in some way that child "knew"... I believe led by God to bring us a sign, but nonetheless a sign from our child. I just thought that was interesting, especially since most people who go word for word in the Bible speak to signs being bad. I believed that too once... BUT, God has been leading me along this journey, expanding my narrow beliefs, opening my heart and making me realize that He is so much bigger than any human being on Earth could ever stuff to make fit in a box...

Anyway, I just wanted to share that and say to you Greg, that it isn't what we do that makes us closer to God, ie: preachers, singer/songwriters, missionaries, etc. It's how much we seek Him and let Him in. I don't attend church regularly, and I don't particularly call myself religious. But I do believe with my whole heart and I do feel God very close to me....when I'm not pushing Him away.... HUGS Y'all!!

[briansdad]

[user=16030]4everjoeysmom[/user] wrote:

There is a story Steven shared in the video I posted about a couple of "signs" he felt his daughter had left him. I know this has been a topic of many here, and I found it awesome and amazingly comforting too that Steven shared that unabashedly. It's as we also have said, that maybe in some way that child "knew"... I believe led by God to bring us a sign, but nonetheless a sign from our child. I just thought that was interesting, especially since most people who go word for word in the Bible speak to signs being bad. I believed that too once... BUT, God has been leading me along this journey, expanding my narrow beliefs, opening my heart and making me realize that He is so much bigger than any human being on Earth could ever stuff to make fit in a box...

Anyway, I just wanted to share that and say to you Greg, that it isn't what we do that makes us closer to God, ie: preachers, singer/songwriters, missionaries, etc. It's how much we seek Him and let Him in. I don't attend church regularly, and I don't particularly call myself religious. But I do believe with my whole heart and I do feel God very close to me....when I'm not pushing Him away.... HUGS Y'all!!

I agree. the story about the flower drawing with the word SEE on the back had to be a sign. I know in my heart when the lady told me that Brian wanted me to know he loved the truck. I know that was his way of saying SEE.

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Greg, YES!! I got a message from a lady back home that I hadn't been particularly close to, about a month after Joey passed...a vision she had and a message to tell me. Nothing I said prompted that message. It was just so random, and so wonderfully needed. Shortly after that I had a dream, in it a clear vision. I know it was his way of saying "See".

I so love that story...The flower with only one colored petal, and the word SEE. Love it!!!

[heartbeataway]

How interesting ......

I was ordering a CD for Rich for Christmas.  I had heard Steven Curtis Chapman on a show not too long ago and wanted the CD.  So, I looked it up.  I was debating whether or not to go ahead and order it when I looked at the cover.  He's standing there with his arms raised.  That was it, I ordered it.

Jay was always doing that.  I have several pictures of him raising his arms. 

And then I come here and there's conversation about the CD.  I think I did the right thing by ordering it ......

Tree arrived today ........ let's see if I get it out of the box ...... ;-)

[4everjoeysmom]

Bonnie, I have mentioned it a few times, but I have GINGY here with me...my only sign of Christmas visible in the house...memories of Jay and Joey overlooking my safe haven..

I also have my framed photo of the fabulous Six from Minnesota that Marcia sent to me. I am set!!

[Guest]

Hello Indigo's;

Loving reading about the signs left by your children.  I can't deny the signs Stephanie has sent.  Some have been so overt and tangible, I can't even ask if it was my imagination or not.  When I remember that, it's hard to be sad.  Because she still lives.  She is a complete being, full of joy, hope and love.  But, sometimes I forget about the signs, or they aren't coming often enough. 

All of you have a place in my heart and prayers everyday.  But, for some reason, Beth is very deep in my thoughts lately.  I just can't imagine being in her shoes.  Beth, if you're reading this, please know you are loved and I pray you get a special sign from your little Zachy.  I woke up with his face in my mind the first time I ever visited this forum. 

How would a five year old get the message to his mommy and daddy that he's okay?  I pray you get it and can see it when it comes.  And, I pray for extra angels to surround you through this holiday season. 

Well, I'm fighting a damn head cold!  I usually like it when I don't feel good (since Stephanie died) because I have a different excuse to do nothing besides, "I'm grieving, here!"  But, this one gives me a headache.  Literally!  It's hard to enjoy anything when your head hurts.

We've dubbed the big, oversized chair the "grieving chair."  As a family we have learned to find some humor in our grief.  Not that it's funny, mind you.  It's not fun.  But, I can find humor in just about everything. 

Stephanie could, too.  Damn that girl was funny!!  I would be wanting to rip her head off but I couldn't stop laughing long enough to do it.  She had a Lucille Ball type of humor.  People just laughed when she entered the room.  Spirits lifted.  I watched people's load become lighter just from saying hi to her.  She had an honest love for people.  She remembered their names.  And, she hugged everyone.  I would get so embarrassed.  Even strangers.  She said they just looked like they needed a hug.

For the first two weeks after she died I was hugging and kissing everyone too.  It didn't go un-noticed by my friends.  I'm not normally a huggy person.  I'm over it, now.  Back to the quick arm around the shoulder pat on the back and separate.

Well.  I'm quite talkative.  I guess it's about time I said something good about my daughter.  I have a lot of good to say about her.  The good, the bad and the ugly.

Smiling to myself as I think of Stephanie getting to meet Michael the arch angel.  I'm sure she has.  I won't go into why. 

Deep, peaceful sigh! 

Much love!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

i dont no if its coincidddences OR WHAT...BUT I WAS JUST AT CEMETARY AND TALKING TO KOURTNEY AN GOD...(NO ONE ANSWERED ME) SO I LEFT CRYIN...CALLED PIZZA IN AND THE GIRL ON THE DOMINOES LINE SAID "THANK YOU FOR CALLING DOMINOES THIS IS KOURTNEY HOW MAY I HELP YOU"...

THANK YOU KOURTNEY AND GOD...

[Guest]

Lorri - I don't believe in coincidences anymore.  Anyone else could have answered that phone.  But, they didn't.  Kourtney did.  And, I believe it was just for you!  Absolutely.

[4everjoeysmom]

THEY answered!

[heartbeataway]

Claudia,

Glad you're enjoying one of the Gingy Jr's ....... Gingy Sr. will be on the tree soon if I get it out of the box.  ;-)

[mikesmomrs]

Marcia:  I am so glad to see that you signed on…good to “see” you, and of course, Bethany’s sweet face… 

Trudi:  The rainbow pic was absolutely beautiful.  Hubby told me to tell you that “angels walk on rainbows,” perhaps Mike was walking on it for you…  Hubby told me the other day that he was driving to the store, and saw a rainbow.  When he came around the curve, he saw the end of the rainbow, right there in the roadway, and drove right through it…  

Claudia:  I am so very sorry that you are feeling so wiped out…it is hardly unexpected, seeing what you’ve been through these last few months…so many things happening, ups, downs, and now the holidays.  You are in my prayers and my heart is holding you close. 

Betty:  This is also the third Christmas for us without Mike here.  I think there are more than a few of us who are facing that third Christmas this year….unbelievable, and just impossible.   

Sue:   I am really glad that the therapy is helping you…processing some of the things that we are forced to keep silent about, as we wear our mask everyday, can truly help the healing process, though sometimes it is truly painful.  I love the signs that you’ve been seeing/hearing...truly God is leading Michelle to let you know that she is okay.   

Susannah:  I just realized that I have been spelling your name incorrectly; my apologies.  (I’ve been using two ss’s in the middle.)   Thinking of you through the court day and hoping things turn out well on the 16^th.  I meant to tell you the other day HAPPY ANNIVERSARY and just kept forgetting to put it in my post.  So, belated HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to you and Gary.  I am glad that you are going to the Christmas dinner…I hope you have a super time.  I loved the chair story...and I think it is neat that you have dubbed it "The Grieving Chair."  And yes, sometimes humor carries us through the next moment....for us, it is the memory of how much Mike LOVED black humor...but I don't think "The Grieving Chair" comes under that...I just think it is awesome.  Perhaps one day it will be changed to "The Healing Chair..." in its own time...as it progresses and carries you all through this journey of tears and growth and memories...

Mary ann:  thank you for checking in and wishing us all to have a good weekend.  Wishing the same for you.  Sending good thoughts your way. 

Leah:  Sorry to hear about your computer…once we have been a part of BI, if the computer goes out, it is seen as a cutoff from our lifeline.  I don’t know if you’ve reached that point yet, but we certainly do like to hear from you.  You said you didn’t know why you were here on the board now, as you didn’t feel you had much to say---sometimes it is okay to just read…that is where we gather strength.  Know that you are missed when you are not posting, but we understand, truly.  If reading is all you can do at the time, then reading is what you should do.  I hope you are feeling better soon.   

Lorri:  Sorry to hear that Kourtney Sue was not able to come home today…perhaps it is better that she is under their watch a little longer.  So sorry to hear about Kimberly’s car…what a bill!  

Col:  Tell that super son of yours congratulations…AJ…way to go!!!  I think this is really helping him, Col…I am glad for that.   

Bonnie:  Good luck with the tree...we are all there with you, holding your hand...just as Jay is with you, too, smiling and proud of you.  

Dee:  It is just wonderful that you involve your classroom in the adopting of a family to support and give to over Christmas.  I know that it is something that will stay with them, into their adult years, and perhaps they will continue the tradition.  It was so very kind of you to supplement the rest…glad that your Garden Gnome was happy with his present, too!!   The poem you wrote...oh, my gosh, tears, and praise...you are so on the spot, and your words are music...sweet, sad, comforting, healing. 

Sonya:  Take care of yourself…it is so understandable that doing the pageant would be upsetting…you are such a good mom to try to see through it to allow Maddie her time to shine…Danielle is right there with you, cheering you on…

Betsy:  I love reading your posts...thank you.  Your shopping and giving is just another sign of your big heart...Rich is proud of you.

 Dan:  I hope you were able to get the blanket over to Nick’s spot…we have not finished putting Mike’s wreath together…plan to finish it up tomorrow.  Now there is snow and ice there, but we will get through it to hang the wreath on the Shephard’s hook we have placed beside the bench next to his stone.  

Speaking of Mike’s wreath,  I was mentioning to Mike’s dad today that I still had a couple of songs to download onto the cd that I am going to hang on the wreath for Mike, and I would have to do it tonight.  He asked me why I was putting songs onto the cd, why not just hang it on there as is…I just looked at him…He usually “gets it,” but this time, he was out in the cold.  He just couldn’t understand why I wanted to do that.  I was telling him that I had put “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” on it, as it is on Mike’s website, and I had heard it today, 3 different times, and each time, it jumped out at me as it played.  The tears just sprang up from nowhere as I was telling him.  I don’t usually “tune in” to music being played in the background, i.e., stores, etc., but for some reason this came through loud and clear today…  I also told him of another couple of songs…beginning with Amazing Grace, also including Star Wars theme, Weezer’s ” Island in the Sun”  (Mike and Sarah’s wedding song), the Beatles’ “My Life,” Mike’s sister’s recording of “I Will Remember You” that was played at Mike’s service, Mercy Me’s “I Can Only Imagine,” and of course, “Tessie” by Dropkick Murphy, the song the Red Sox play when they win.  There are a couple of others, one that Davis picked as his dedication to Mike…can’t remember the title.  At the end of telling hubby all of this, he said “Why didn’t you ask me if I wanted to put one on there?”    Go figure!  Perhaps at the end of my explanation and list of songs, he realized how important it was to me, and that perhaps it was a good idea, after all.   Am I the crazy?

Tomorrow is Damon’s fifth birthday…I talked to him on the phone tonight and told him that I was coming to his birthday tomorrow…he said “Yes, you are…I am inviting you.”  Then he said “I am so glad that you are coming and I’m going to see you and Papa.”  Tears…  I know how very much Mike wanted to hear Damon talking before he left us…Damon didn’t really start talking till he was 2 ½…so Mike never got to hear him say much…but he did hear him say “Dada.”  I have to believe that he hears him now, loud and clear.  Sarah sent us this picture tonight of Damon visiting Santa…

I hope that everyone has a pleasant night, sleep well, wishing for you all dreams and visits...and a weekend that sends you sweet memories, resting in your heart. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

 

It was  really freezing here in NYC today.  I did get out and purchased Christmas toys for our Church;s Christmas orphan's tree. To avoid a melt down or a situation similar to Betsy's thinking of Rich as you shopped for your gifts, I am always careful to choose Little Girls who need gifts such as dolls etc.  This way I am not reminded of toys I purchased Stephen.  Shopping for children who are in need does make me feel better too.

Suzannah  I feeel as if I know Stephenne 's good points  Stephen was very much like her.  Everyone loved him, I could never get mad at him  He could always make me laugh  I have said the same as you posted.  Glad you are remembering the warmth and good things

 

Betsy I too laughed about the Wise men and the Cousin  I think we all can relate.

 

Coleen so glad AJ is succeeding.  I know how happy that must make you.

 

Carol  Loved the picture of Damon visiting Santa and I am sure his sweet litttle voice touched your heart.  Yes Mike hears him  now loud and clear.

 

Sonya  Great to hear from you and see your angel so often these days

 

Lorrie  It never ends.     Your poem was beautiful

 

 

Trudi  Wish I still had my 30 year old Christmas decorations-that I do not is another long sad story  You are righ, the children's dad is the one who missed out.

 

Mary Ann it is cold here as well  Stay warm

Bonnie  I hope Jay helped you with the tree and that we will see a picture.

 

Dan, Greg, Claudia, Dee, Sue,  Leah Terrie, and all other Indigos stay warm and sleep well

 

Betty

Stephen'smom

 

[Guest]

Betty – So many who turn to drugs/alcohol are very sensitive, artistic, talented souls.  I think it’s wonderful that you’re shopping for little girls. 

I laughed about the klepto cousin and the wise man too.  I can definitely relate! 

Carol – What an adorable little boy Damon is!  Don’t worry about misspelling my name.  It happens all the time.  “The Healing Chair”.  I like it.  Yes.  I think that’s what it is.

Claudia – I have to ask.  What’s a GINGY? 

OKAY!  Blowing out a gust of wind from my mouth!

I am typing on word, going back through posts to make sure I don’t miss anybody and I keep losing my place.  My brain is going to explode.  :shock:  You have to click “here” to scroll through the posts and then you have to remember to click “there” to type a response.   Too hard.

I so want to mention each name.  I so want everyone to know I SEE you and your child.  Well, the fact is, I do SEE each of you and your child.  But, I just can’t remember where!  If I miss something someone said directly to me, please excuse me.  Or repeat it for me….

I do want to mention that I loved the poem about the cord.  I think that cord is LOVE itself. 

Hoping you are all resting.  Me?  Not so much. 

 

[mysonrich]

Betty, looks like a reindeer to me !!     and good advice re: shopping for a girl.

 http://photos.nj.com/jersey-journal/2009/12/deer-in-the-hudsonzip_3.html

,Lorri,  I believe it was Kourtney too. A sign.  I had one experience like that after Rich died. His voice was very far away and crackly. I heard a couple words the clearest was " Dad". I knew what he was tring to tell me.

 

Sue, my nephew Pat died from cancer, liver cancer when he wa 14, 10 years ago now. My SIL, his step-mom also received a phone call from Pat telling her he was ok. again, bad connection but she did hear him.

 

Dee, as always, beautiful words. Do you keep a binder ?

 

Sonya, I bet your cousins name is Linda right?

 

Bonnie, I have a tree ornament, a little sled with " Rich" written on it. I remember placing this on his gift as part of the wrapping. He probably didn't know to hang it on his tree. I will this year. Hope you have nice memories of Jason though I know they will bring tears.

 

Susannah, Rich attended a Metallica concert on Jan 17, 08 in Philadelphia. He had a couple beers before. After, they ate at a diner, cheeseburger. Went home with g/f and 2 friends in tow. The friends left and Rich got up to check the doors. The next morning, 5 hours later the g/f got up to make coffee, told Rich to move over. She noticed that her pj's were wet, turned and went back into the room...she smacked Rich in the face, screaming..she checked his airway for blockage...she called 911 and attempted CPR...foam....911 was on the phone and the siren across the street went off for the EMT's...my heart does break for kathy, it really does...the EMT's arrived and did nothing. placed a couple monitors on his chest, wanted to know " when did he do the heroin"? He wasn't a drug user. As Trudi has explained to me, the EMT's were asking because they needed a place to start. Rich was gone. The Bucks County Corner took almost 3 hours to arrive all the while, Rich's dad, sister, Kathy waited with him as his body deteriorated. I was 5 hours away taking care of my mom's business, no cell phone coverage ...I never saw Rich in person. The corner wouldn't allow me to see him late that night. The next early morning I was allowed to view him on the monitor at the morgue. 4 months later the letter arrives from the corn oer. They really don;t know what he died of, some artery scaring under the microscope, family history. The manner, natural. No drugs, no poison,no murder. ,,,,,,,

 

 

 

This is one of the last pictures I have of Rich. Last Christmas. Most of the pictures have Rich in them.

This one I study. the first thing I notice is the reflection , his expression. Is he sad, worried,furlong? Is he in discomfort? Stretching? Full from dinner? I then look at his hands. Are they gripped in pain? discomfort? No, they don;t appear to be. This picture makes me sad because he looked sad in that instant.

The next picture is his tree. The large musical note we ah-hmm 'borrowed" from the center piece from the work Christmas party. the silver stocking on the left is his. I thought the g/f was joking when she told me this but it makes sense, mate silver sharpies, raw metal bikes....silver stockings.

 

BTW, his shirt reads/ " I/m out of my mind but I'll be back in a minute"

 

 

 

 

[shellbellsmom]

This only takes a minute but can bring a smile to a soldier's face who is currently away from home this Christmas. Click on his link;

http://www.letssaythanks.com/Home1280.html   Sue

[heartbeataway]

This is Gingy!

This is the Gingy that Jason brought home from pre-school.  He ran into the house and immediately ran to the tree!  He put it right on the front for all to see.  He was so proud if it.  Our tree was small and Gingy really stood out!  He's probably about 9" tall!

The first Christmas after Jason died we chose Gingy as the theme for our Christmas cards.  I started by making a pattern and then shopped for supplies. I went to a local department store that had a tree and put Gingy on it and took pictures of him. Had the cards printed and started making Gingy's.  Before I knew it, Rich was sitting in his chair stitching Gingy's along with me.

It was a labor of heart breaking love ...... 

This is the inside left of the card.  It reads:

Every Christmas past at the Holloway house, when decorating the tree, Jason's ginberbread man ornament would be put out of sight initially. By Christmas morning, Jason would always reposition it to the front of the tree for all to see - ever proud of the "Gingy" he had made as a preschooler"

This is the outside of the card. I wasn't crazy about the border but it was the best choice at the card shop.  We should have started sooner.

This was the inside right message.

This is one of the Gingy's we made.  Each one was different. 

This is the note attached to each Gingy. I've gotten notes this year letting me know that Gingy is front and center on Christmas trees.  I love that he's remembered and

Gingy is still making folks smile at Christmas .....

I love, love, love the memory of that little blonde boy running into the house and putting his precious Gingy on the tree ........

[Guest]

Bonnie - That is the sweetest thing ever!  GINGY.  I will buy a gingerbread ornament for my tree immediately.  I know it's not the same, but it will be in memory of your little boy.  I can't imagine you and Rich being able to make all those handmade.  What a labor of love and tears.

Betsy - I'm angry that they didn't let you see your son's body!  From a monitor?  That's bull s***!  What the hell!?  That is just wrong on so many levels.  All of it.  Deep sigh.  But, what can you do about it now? 

The coroner tried to prevent me from seeing Stephanie's body, but I insisted.  He said "this isn't the last memory you want to have of your daughter".  Now, I'm not so sure he wasn't right.  It's all I see, most the time.  It's my last thought before I drift off to sleep and  my first thought when I wake up.  Actually, it never leaves.  I'm not sure what it would have been like for me had I listened to him because I didn't.  But, I do know there are times I wonder if I did the right thing by seeing her. 

I have to consciously remind myself of those "signs" so I know that''s not her last experience.  I have to constantly remind myself she is still a living, growing, loving being.  That her personality still exists.  I have to remind myself that for her (in my opinion) the experience of dying was beautiful.   That she experienced no pain.  Although she was physically alone at the time of her death, I am convinced she was surrounded by loved ones and angels to explain to her what had happened and to escort her to her real home. 

I don't know why we, as a family, have been allowed so many "signs" and messages from Stephanie to reassure us of what happened to her.  But, we have received them.  Many of them tangible and concrete.  We are grateful for them and hold onto them. 

I don't think Stephanie's experience is unique.  I believe her experience is what it is like for every human being at the time their spirit leaves their body.  For them it's a wonderful reunion.

For us, it's pure hell. 

I'm not fond of our side of the experience.

The way you were treated, Betsy, was unacceptable!  I'm so sorry they were so insensitive to you. 

Much love!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom