Loss of an Adult Child

[kevsmom]

Susannah,

I joined BI in 2005 after the death of my son. I'm an infrequent visitor....although I pop in now and again when I need to be with those who understand.   Your message was so eloquent and spoke directly to my heart. 

Yes, I would have traded places with my son in an instant...sparing him but, sadly that's not possible.  How I wish it was/had been.  Instead, we are left trying to breathe and grasp the enormity of the loss of our beloved child.

I stil miss my Kevin every day...multiple times a day.    With all my heart and soul I believe that those we love don't die...that their energy lives on in a dimension or on a plane that we can't comprehend.  I would not have survived if I didn't think I would some day be able to hug my precious son.

I know that you and Stephanie will one day be reunited.  Until then, we must keep on, keeping on and honor the memory of our beloved children.

Hugs,

Irene

(Kevsmom)

 

[mpsmom]

Susannah and Irene, you both spoke exactly my feelings, if I didnt belive in that 'other dimension' the veil between our children and us, I would not have made it this far, it has been a little more than 14 months ago that my only child, my daughter Bethany died at the age of 17.5 from sudden heart death.  Although I don't feel her around me as often as I did 4-5 months ago, I know she is 'busy' on the other side, and I do know one day I will hold her again.  It is the only thing that gets me out of bed everyday.

Hugs to you both and all of my other BI sisters and brothers.

Marcia   Bethanys Mom Forever

[ericasmom]

Hi Irene, I don't remember you but you may have come on in '05' when I went away for a while. I joined in '04' my Girl Erica died in July of 2003. Sorry that your Boy Kev left here too, but happy that you come back here and there to find some understanding. I came back after about 2 years away, came back with more strength and a better grasp on my world, well somedays anyhow.

Susannah, I have long said, though I know it is not a real popular saying, that perhaps we are exactly where we are supposed to be. For whatever reason, we are here while our child is not, and it may never make sense and of course will never seem fair, how could it? Yet somehow, they left. I believe that Eri is in a fold of time that we don't quite get, that our Children are able to be with us, that they cheer us on and hope for us, that they let themselves be known in wonderful little ways, adn that it is up to us to find our way into the light of day, into the light of our Children's love, into a life that we live our best lives in honor of our Loved Children who had to leave. Long May You Run Kids, Long May You Run. None of this is what we wanted ever to happen, oh no, but it happened. Our broken pieces rattle around inside and we slowly put our pieces back together, never the same but somehow bigger, to make room for all that we had to learn along the way, and to include so many others in our hearts who walk the same path.

Sonya, how dear to see your beautiful Danielle today. She sure warms my heart. I know how trying the holidays can be, so be good to yourself. Maddie wants a tree and you want it there before James gets home...it will all happen, just on a different schedule this year. Dani gets it, she knows this is hard but she is cheering you on as you find ways to face the holidays.

I love your dream Sue, I keep thinking about it and feeling so lifted by it. Thanks for sharing. Hope that you have fun tonight.

Maryanne, I hope that the group that meets on the 13h is a magical night. I am sure that there will be opportunities to serve in some volunteer situations in your area. I think it very good of you to give of your energy. I can understand not wanting to be around others at the holidays when they have children. It is hard sometimes to be around families when you are feeling this grief. My thoughts of peace with you.

Tonight my husband and I went to the north side of Chicago to walk around the neighborhood I grew up in called, Andersonville. It is an old sweedish neighborhood, though it has always been a very diverse area as long as I have been around. So we went as it was celebrating St. Nicolas eve, shops were open later, 20% off in many stores, nice dining. Anyhow, we were in a store looking at some pretty items when a song that I love came on, it is a song that Eri loved too, and I began to cry. (Tracy Chapman) John understands, he doesn't get embarassed or anything, he just rides the wave. So out  of the blue I began to cry. I think that sometimes we grievers are worried that we may begin to cry and bring others down, I no longer worry bout that. If I am caught up in my emotions, then I am.

Prayers for peace filled sleep and sweetest dreams,

dee

[ericasmom]

Marcia, you are so kind in being the voice for us here. You deliver news and keep us posted on goings-on. Thanks Sweetie. Heal, I mean it.

Oh forgot, told Kim from BI that Sherry had a great idea to give us room under our avitar to include some of our facts,  make it easier for those to remember our name and the circumstances of our being here. So if we go to our profile, I believe we can add some things. I will try perhaps tomorrow.

Love-

dee

[lostwoher]

Thanks for the heads up Dee. I will update mine asap.

Lynn

Blessings to all and to all a good nite. Im about to take a dose of nyquil so I should be able to get a good nites sleep.    ZZZZZZZZZZZ

[ericasmom]

One more thing, watched a movie this night called the 27 club. I found it on Sundance channel and I found it to be a beautiful movie, sad and beautiful. the music is lovely.

[mpsmom]

this is a test. I updated the info and then deleted my temporary files and it seems the info still only appears in the profile and not below the picture...

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  I have also felt that though our hearts are never the same, they become bigger, in order to hold all that passes into it...the pain, the joy, the memories...it all is held there...it doesn't really leave...I have also often thought that we are where we are supposed to be...all through Mike's illness and even after his passing, we (family and friends) spoke of how he was exactly where he needed to be at the time...right up until that last breath.    I love your walk with John, thank you so much for sharing...I am sorry that you had to hear a song that brought tears, but it seems as though they were of the healing kind...letting go of a little of that grief...so appropriate...no matter where, it is what you needed at the time...so wonderful of John to be respectful of that. 

Lorri:  will keep your and Monty's friend Bill in my prayers for healing and a good recovery from his fall.  I do hope it turns out to be less than initially thought. 

Trudi:  I love the pic of the kids on the bike...kind of a preview of Mike's generous, kind personality early on...so cute!

Mary ann:  Glad you are okay.  I hope you do go forward with plans to volunteer again on Christmas...we are with you in spirit. 

Betty:  Welcome back.  Yes, I like the new avatar...Stephen is so tall! 

Sue:  Your dream...oh, my gosh...I truly believe that Shell was sending you a message...I am with you mom, always.  When we saw the medium this past fall, one of the things he told us was that our kids are with us, always.  They want to share our lives, to see the celebrations, to take part...they are there, with us.  My therapist also told me this...I do believe it...couldn't doubt it after all we've seen/heard, either ourselves or from you all over time...  I guess you will be sharing that beautiful snow with us tomorrow night, according to the weather man...crazy...it was 70 degrees here yesterday (Thurs). 

Kathy:  Hope you are okay tonight and perhaps even feeling calmer...

Hubby took me to the doc today for the "friday eval" and YAY again...good to go until Wednesday...healing is taking place, but slowly, but it IS taking place.  Just have to be patient...thank you all for your many thoughts and prayers.

After the doc appt, we "celebrated" by going for Chinese buffet---Mike's all time favorite food, but at a different restaurant.  We had to detour for some traffic and come in a different way, and upon arriving, a beautiful red punch buggy greeted us, parked right outside their door.  When we got our food and sat down, it was gone.  Hubby and I were discussing how Mike really had no association with this particular Chinese place...we hadn't started going there until early this year.  I reminded him of the "water stain" in the bathroom sink that is heart-shaped...(I know, weird, but hey...) and we smiled about that and decided that he would definitely like this place...oh, and we found out last week that there is a new restaurant in place of his old all-time favorite Chinese place...that restaurant was there for like 25 years!   Now it is a swanky type of Japanese/Chinese/ upscale place...no more buffet...a maitre'd meets you at the door!  So, I guess Mike led us to the new place, because of the old place closing.  Anyway, when we left the restaurant, as I got in the car, I noticed a penny on the floor, that I KNOW was not there when I got in earlier...yep...1975 (Mike's birth year).  As we pulled away, a yellow punch buggy drove in front of us...(hubby's color).  When we got to the store, I was looking for trims for Mike's wreath...I wanted to put a simple cross and a "wrapped present" on the wreath, but couldn't find what I was looking for.  Also was looking for another set of red LED's for the front tree...walked all over...none left...really weird, there were TONS day before yesterday.  Happened to wander out to the outside part, where the live trees are kept... no idea why.   They had a few set up...one had red decos on it, so I was drawn to it (Mike's fav color).  I saw a red scrolled cross hanging on the other side, and as I reached for it, my hand brushed another ornament...a dragonfly!  On a Christmas tree!!!   Not the blue/green of norm, but red...the color Mike would choose... not another like it on the tree...not another one like it in the store, of any color!  Well, that was the coup de grace for the day...headed home with the sweet feeling of Mike being right there in the car with us, approving of our efforts to continue his love...celebrating Christmas. 

I was finally able to find some older Christmas pics...

Mike in the Christmas pre-school pageant on Guam...they sang "King of Glory" and I have the recording of him signing it by himself, with all his little lisps and breath intakes...my heart aches when I hear it, but so glad to have it...

1st Chrsitmas on Guam...Cathi in her "Mork from Ork" shirt, pants and suspenders...she loved them!  Mike in the space helmet (of course), mom in her fancy pj's!  whoo hoo! 

Mike enjoying his new Godzilla...it was almost as big as he was...it is hard to believe he was ever that small...he was 9 lbs 15 1/2 oz at birth; we thought he would be a big kid, but he saved that for later...

2nd Christmas on Guam...Cathi in foreground, Mike opening a Darth Vader case...we still have it...

I am so very thankful for these memories, (as well as the opportunity to share them with you all) and so hopeful that in reviewing them,  they will grow in me again the spirit for Christmas and the celebration of the birth of our Lord that is the reason for this day...

have a good day everyone...we are supposed to get snow...anyone want to come shovel? 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

This poem seems contradictory to what I have written about trying to celebrate Christmas again in Mike's honor, for those of us who remain behind, but I just wanted to share for all of those who are new to this journey, and to those who have been here a while and are having a particularly hard time. Someone sent this poem to me early on, and I have read it each year...this is the third time...I find this year that though the feelings aren't quite so devestating...they are still there, but softer, less piercing.  This poem brought me comfort on that first Christmas when all I wanted to do was lock myself in the basement til it was over...it says exactly how I felt...it validated those thoughts in my mind as not being evil or selfish...they just were...I didn't want Christmas, and I didn't want to see it or hear it anywhere, either.  This poem allowed me the weird gift of knowing that I was not the only one who felt this way at a time when most everyone else is celebrating and creating more happy memories. 

I want.

 

Stop the children’s singing,

The voice I long for has been stilled.

 

Turn out the sparking lights,

They are no longer reflected in his eyes.

 

Close the shops, lock the doors,

The gift I want just isn’t there.

 

Take away the Joy, the Peace on Earth,

the Season’s Greetings.

I want company in my misery,

Throw out the baubles, the ornaments,

the pretty packages,

I can’t see them through my tears.

 

Light a candle in his memory,

Tell me you remember,  [say his name!]

Send me a blanket of pure, white snow,

To cover the Earth,

and his place in it.

 

anonymous

 

Carol  Mikesmomrs

 

[Guest]

Sue - I love the picture of Scruffy under the Christmas tree!  And all that snow!  OMG.  We need more snow.  We have just a light dusting on the ground.  It sure has been colder the last couple of days, though.

Beth - You are in my thoughts and prayers, too!  I visited your homepage about your little Zachy.  I'm so sorry for your loss and that you had to go through such a horrible ordeal.  Indeed, still going through it!  I admire your desire to help prevent such a tragedy for others.

Dee - my husband is like your husband.  He understands my grief and doesn't act uncomfortable around it. 

Today we're setting up the tree. 

Sending you all hugs and love!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

What a great woman you are Carol, not only to post the poem that echoed your feelings and ache, but to let folks know that finally, this year, you are feeling a softer touch to this grief. I am so thankful for that for you,and thankful for you in our lives. I know that the times became softer for me as well somewhere around the 2.5 or 3 year mark, and of course ups adn downs with events, but hold tight New Ones to thie journey, It will become a softer place to live one day. so glad for the penny from Mike, the path he led you to a new place and his letting you know that the dragonfly was he saying "i will always be with you Mom and Dad."

Peace,

dee

Marcia tried posting new info in our profiles, but it will not show up on our avitars. I informed Kelly and Kim.

[mysonrich]

Well Sue and Dee, I hope you two are happy. You went and said the four letter word. SNOW!!!  It has arrived and me being a "flatlander", working on Montage Mountain Rd, A "transplant" as the locals refer to NY/NJ/SEPA peps. It was supposed to stay out by your guys!

Ok, I'll deal with it

Betsy,mysonRich

 

[heartbeataway]

Carol,

Love the poem and the shared words and memories.

Dee,

I understand about the tears.  Yesterday on one of my "find a Christmas tree" outings a song by Toby Keith, Cryin' for me, played.  I cried all the way to Lowes.  I hadn't heard it before and it really touched my heart.

Then last night I was talking to Jay's friend who works for us and his wife and they ask if I had heard the song.

Which Tracy Chapman song did you hear? 

Rich is the same way with me, he usually just hugs me and pats my arm and says, I know, I know ...... 

Here's a link to the song I heard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeiKg5jtAF8

It is snowing like crazy here and I'm loving it!!

[ericasmom]

let's see if this works

dee

SNOW DAY for you Bon and Bets

[shorty16]

Indigos,

I am 18 months into this grief and I think this second year is harder than the first.  I guess I did not realize how much in shock I was and how slowly it actually wears off.

It seems the reality of Brian never coming back and seeing his friends grow, go to college, get married.  I am in such dis-belief of my life now.

Sorry to sound depressed, but I am.  3 great 17 year olds died last night from icy roads in East Troy - closer to the IL boarder.  They were all college bound - no drugs or alcohol involved.

I am sick to my stomach.  Those parents are dying themselves.  On the ground - unable to breath.

Pray for them

Colleen

[mpsmom]

Colleen, I am so sorry that 3 more teenagers died........it seems to never end.....heaven must certainly be 'the place to be' .  I have to agree with you that the second year is worse, I heard that somewhere early on in this journey but I guess I didnt want to belive it..not me...!!!   Well it ceratainly is true, I think my brain processes the loss of my duaghter differently now.   I recently set up a facebook account and ALOT of Bethanys friends are my friends, it is so bittersweet.  I watch and read about their escapades away at college ..............she should be doing all those same things.  So much life ahead of her, yet somewhere in the back of my head, I think she knew her time here with us was short, I belive she somehow knew she would not live to be old.  I have to agree with whoever said it" We are where we were meant to be" ... I DONT KNOW WHY !!!  I never will, I loved my little girl with all my heart, but since I am still here and she is not, I know I must still have something to do before I can be with her again.  DAMMIT !!!!  This was not the way it was supposed to be, I would not give up a minute of my time with her...the love i have for her is what makes the pain so freaking intense. Would not trade one for the other.  Carol and Trudi, I am glad to also hear that year 3 and 4 become a little softer, i really want to find some joy in life again, I try everyday but 'she' is missing..... a part of me , a huge part of the joy in my life is gone forever.  Dee, thank you for the "fast car" song, it is a favorite of mine....and thank you for sharing your daily travels with us all, it brings me a sense of peace to read your posts.  Peace and warmth to all my BI family, I think of you all daily....after the holidays I will start to throw so ideas out for a springtime get together....Minneapolis was so great for all of us, I would love to do it again.

HUGS> Marcia   Bethanys Mom Forever

[mysonrich]

I took a drive this afternoon to a little town about 40 minutes NW. I have a friend that lives here but I didn't stop in today. We use to drop in often as it was the halfway mark on the drive to/from my Mom's. today they had a Christmas in my Hometown day. There were horse drawn carriage rides to tour town and carolers. I just stooped into a couple of stores, purchases a small gift, looked around and left. I just needed to get out.

 

Around 4 years ago 5 boys in our hometown went out for the night. 4 had started college and one was just about to do the same. that night while driving home they hit a tree. 4 died and the youngest, wearing his seat belt lived. I still remember the parents words, they weren't worried early in the morning because this group of boys often stayed at each others homes. now there are 4 white crosses by that tree and after numerous accidents, the road was repaved. I'll never forget them.

 

Betty, I saw dapper Stephen on Zach's memorial page. Very nice as is your black dress with the beading?

 

MaryAnn, thanks. Sue too. The avatar is Rich last Christmas, listening ti his stereo and proudly showing off his new,big screen TV. The last time I saw him alive.

 

Bonnie and Dee, both nice songs.

 

Colleen, proud mom of AJ the wrestler

 

 

Betsy,mysonRich

Tunkhannock Borough

[hotsauce]

now i am really scared. you are saying the coming years may be worst then when our angels died.  7 months for me and i am still trying to find the reason why.

well not to change the subject, but in the state of delaware we have about 1 inch of snow on the ground, roads are starting to get icy.  who wanted this crap?

i hope everyone has a good weekend.  going to a holiday of hope tomorrow.  they are going to tell us how to deal with the holidays.  that's a laugh.  unless someone can bring BRIAN and all our angels back, for me there is no christmas.

big snowny hug to everyone.

mary ann

BRIAN'S momdukes

[mysonrich]

The message of hope

Touching the spirit

Teaching to begin anew

Transforming the wish into hope

on the radiant wing of a butterfly.

[align=right]Kirsti A.Dyer, MD, MS[/align]

[mpsmom]

Betsy, what a quaint loking little town, nice that you could 'get out' and do something.   larry and I adopted a family from Childrens Heart Center ( Bethanys cardio group for years) we went shopping at K-Mart a few days ago, we had a list of requested items for the kids and the parents, I rode around in the little scooter and Larry followed behind with a shopping cart, he and I actually had a good time shopping for these kids, a little girl 18 months old and a 7 year old boy, lots of clothes and lots of toys.  We usually pick a tag from the angel tree and then go buy that one gift, this was different... they told me that this will be the only things this family has for Christmas, the little girl is the 'heart' patient, most of these children have severe heart issues.  Mary Ann, dont let the talk of the 'second' year get to you, we are all so different.... my daughter was taken from me so suddenly, I think I am just getting used to the idea that it is so real... take one hour at a time until you can take one day at a time... A while ago someone asked about 'middle names' Bethanys' middle name is Jenea and another middle name that is my maiden name ( very Italian name) gave her that for my Dad, she would  be his only grandchild-- I am an only child and we knew she would be our only child. Hence My family name was to live on ........... that didnt work.      The su is shining here, wish I coul dgo out in it .....it has been so long since I have been out for more than a fewminutes I probably should think of taking some vitamin D.

Hugs, Marcia    Bethanys Mom Forever

 

[mysonrich]

Marcia,

English translations of the Native American Tunkhannock vary, including "meeting of the waters," "small stream," "wilderness stream," and "full of timber."

[ericasmom]

Betsy, lovely town scene, and so glad that you were able to get out. I love the poem as well, is it yours?

Marcia, please do take some vitamin d to counter not being out. I am happy that you and Larry went shopping for the kids in need. I am sure that their families will be so touched by your hearts.

Maryanne, I agree with Marcia, try not to look ahead to the second year. I too heard this when I was about where you are now, and I thought, OH NO! And it was harder for me in some respects, but there is nothing like that first year as far as feeling lost. I found that while the shock of losing ERi had worn away, the living with this loss became something I understood better, and found my way with. I hope that the gathering proves to be something good for your soul.

Dee

[mysonrich]

Teacher Dee, I did not but I did cite my source.

[mpsmom]

[shellbellsmom]

Good Evening Indigo’s,

MaryAnn I think why people say it’s harder the second year is because it’s more real then.  For me I was in such denial during her leukemia- that everything would be OK…just do what they tell you to do, take this, and have faith.  And she did….and look how it ended up for her.  The first few months were all a fog….not sure how I managed.  At the six month mark it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I remember driving in my car and just streaming “OH MY GOD….SHE REALLY IS DEAD”.  It took my breath away and there was no doubt she was gone for good.  My second year (it’s been 2 years and 4 months) it just seems harder because everyone seemed like they were forgetting and expecting me to get back to my old self.  The pain is still as intense but seems to come and go a little more often than in the first year.  I cried myself to sleep every night the first year, and now only couple times a week.  Marcia was right when she said everyone is different, for some they are able to function better the second year, or others they are still paralyzed and still unable to cope well.  For me, it’s a little of both.  I function better, but it’s harder for me to accept her death now…can’t get over the why’s of its all. 

Colleen will definitely keep the parents of those three young men in my prayers- we all know too well how they will need them now and in the future.  Like Marcia did I got on FB to keep in touch with my daughters friends and now its kills me to hear about all the fun she is missing out on.  Many are getting married, having babies and traveling the world and just starting their new lives on their own.  I am curiously Marcia to hear why you felt your daughter never felt like she would live long.

Betsy thanks….you answered one of my prayers.  I was to do a Christmas card for my daughter’s foundation with a Christmas scene with a small message of hope.  Yours will fit perfect….

The message of hope

Touching the spirit

Teaching to begin anew

Transforming the wish into hope

on the radiant wing of a butterfly.

Lorrie I give you tons of credit for being able to go to the same hospital that your daughter was in for such a long time.   When my father got admitted last year he was on the same floor and the 1^st room before entering the ICU area.  His pulmonologist was the same doctor who pronounce my daughter death, and many of the respiratory staff would come in to work on my father.  It was one of the hardest things for me since her death.  Walking down the same halls, seeming familiar faces and feeling the emptiness in my heart.  But I am sure your son needed you there as it was just as hard for him too.

Carol, sorry about the four letter word….I am not crazy about it either.  More for us today but that is normal for where I live.  Wow, talk about signs last evening.  Red and Yellow Bugs, dragonflies, and a penny. 

Dee working on letting the tears flow in front of others….still a little uncomfortable yet. and just love Tracey’s song….thanks for posting it.  Same here for Toby’s Bonnie, I have heard it before and thought maybe Greg posted it before but not sure.  Anyways, miss her smile too. 

Susannah thanks for lighting a candle on my daughters site…MADE ME SMILE.

Well, my men are at a poker benefit and I am all alone...I'll light some candles, got a couple movies recorded on the DVR  old classic Christmas ones (B&W) and will get all comfortable in my grubby clothes and just chill- maybe even open a bottle of wine to keep me company.  Wish some of you could join me.... Take Care, Sue (Michelle's Mom)

[mikesmomrs]

speaking of teachers, Dee, hubby got this little story in his email this morning, among other "good stories," and as soon as I read this, I thought "that child's teacher would be Dee."

"Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.   Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play.  His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.  On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement..  "Guess what, Mom," he

shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me  "I've been chosen to clap and cheer.""

Mary ann:  I agree also, yes it does seem the shock wears off during the second year.  But in the feeling, we are moving forward, taking our memories with us for strength to stand up when we can't find our legs, breath when we can't find air to breathe, words when we can't speak---to let us know that the next moment will come...and that's when our faith that we will see our precious children again comes in and wraps around us, like a shawl of hope.

love and peace  Carol  mikesmomrs

[Guest]

Hello Indigo's;

I love the butterfly in the globe with the poem.  I can't remember who posted it.  It looks just like the butterfly chime hanging above my kitchen sink.  My most spiritual friend gave it to me when Stephanie died.

We put up the tree today and got out my decorations.  I didn't go to the extreme I usually do.  I have a few nativity scenes, a village collection and a santa collection.  I just put out some.  Christmas music in the background.  The kids danced and laughed and played.  They are so excited they can hardly contain themselves.

I remarked to my husband, Gary, how I thought it would be harder than it was.  In fact, I enjoyed myself.  Then, just a few minutes ago the grief hit with the painful precision I'm becoming accustomed to.  It's like I'm there again....in that hospital room, staring at her body.  I can literally smell her.  I'm so grateful for that. 

I wish my belief that she still lives, in current time, was enough to take the pain away.  Maybe it does ease it.  How am I to judge?  Perhaps if I didn't have my beliefs I wouldn't be able to carry on at all.  Maybe I'm doing better than I know.  I just know this is so hard. 

When Stephanie died, a friend of mine who lost her 14 yr old daughter to a sledding accident 7 yrs ago told me she spent the first six months in bed.  I couldn't fathom that.  Six months?  No way!  I have things to do.  Well, it's almost been four months and now I get it.  Time almost means nothing.  I can't believe it's already been four months.  And, then in some ways it seems like years.

Well.  Arrogant me.  What a lesson in humility and powerlessness.  And, faith.  Another step.  Another day. 

Sending you all love and peace!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

WELL I SURVIVED IT..THANK ALL OF YAL FOR THE PRAYERS...WHEN WE PULLED UP TO THE OU MED BUILDING ITS SELF..WE JUST SAT IN THE TRUCK AND STARED AT IT....LIKE IT WAS A MONSTER....BUT THEN I SAID "LETS DO THIS"....SO WE WALK IN TO THE ER...AND I SEE THE CORNER WHERE SHE TRIED TO GET COMFY ON THE COUCH COMBO CHAIR..AND THE VENDING MACHINES I GOT HER , HER LAST FOOD (POP TARTS)...I NEVER DID GO INTO THE LADIES BATHROOM (PROB THE LAST THING WE  DID TOGETHER)...I JUST LOOKED AT IT....

THEN MONTY WENT IN TO SEE BILL (I DIDNT COULDNT GO IN THERE)...KODY AND I WALKED UP STAIRS TO THE ICU WAITING ROOM WE CALLED HOME FOR OVER 5 MONTHS..(SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR WITH THE LIGHTS ALWAYS ON)...I WALKED OVER TO OUR "APARTMENT" AND TOOK A PIC....THEN WE WALKED OUT OF ICU WAITING...THEN I HEAR A GIRL SAY "MAM, U IN THE ORAGNE HOODIE, WHY DID YOU TAKE A PIC IN THERE, AND WERE WE IN IT?...I SAID "NO, YOUR NOT IN IT, WE LIVED THERE FOR ALMOST 7 MONTHS, AND MY DAUGHER DIED..." , SHE INTERRUPTS AND SAYS "OH OK"....NOTHING HAS CHANGED.......EXCEPT WHEN I WENT TO THE 3RD FLOOR...(WHERE I THOUGHT WE WERE REALLY PROGRESSING)...IT HIT ME.....EVERYTHING IS THE SAME EXCEPT MY BABY IS GONE...

PART OF OUR APARTMENT ....WE HAD ROUND TABLE AND SLEPT TO THE RIGHT OF THE RD TABLE ON THE FLOOR...

[4everjoeysmom]

"Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.. "Guess what, Mom," he

shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me "I've been chosen to clap and cheer."

I LOVE THIS, Carol!! Thanks so much to you and your hubby for sharing this... xoxoxo

[daveydow1]

Hi All at Indigo....Haven't been on for awhile due to

being busy with fixing up the place we're moving to.

Colleen--Sorry you are having a rough time of it. 18 mo. is such a short time,

although it seems longer in many ways. You are right....it takes some time

for the devastating shock of losing a beloved child to wear off.  So sorry to hear

 of the wreck that took the lives of three teens. Peace & prayers.

           Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry  

[heartbeataway]

Carol,

Love the story!  I’ve been chosen to “clap & cheer” .......... precious!

What a special evening you had with Mike and was he ever busy giving you signs of his presence ...... pretty special!

Susannah,

Glad the day went well. Personally, I think you’re amazing!  At four months, I was seriously struggling. Maybe it’s the children and their laughter that gives you hope.

Yes, another day, another step .......

Lorri,

I’m sure those memories tugging at your heart were tough ...... but, you did it.  You were there for Monty and for Bill.  Your girl would be proud of her Mama!  I am!

Sherry & Sonja,

It’s so good to read your words again!  I’ve missed you guys!  Good luck with the move Sherry ....... they are so much work!!

Betsy,

Love the poem/prayer ...... very, very pretty!

Sue,

Sorry if I was redundant with the song.  I would not be surprised if it was posted before. Greg always posts great songs.  I must have missed it though.  It just touched my heart.  I wish we could join you for a movie and glass of wine also!

Maryanne,

The second year was harder in some ways for me.  The first year I think you’re adjusting and you concentrate on all the “firsts”.  The first birthday, the first Easter, etc ....  

The first year your friends and family seem to be there and understand.  The second year, everything goes back to normal for everyone else but you’re still dealing with the “miss” in your heart and life. And now, here we are in the third year and maybe it’s the realization that there is no longer a normal.  Everything is different ....... and nothing is ever going to be the same again.

Colleen,

I know we’ve talked about it before but every time I hear of a new loss, it takes me back to those first hours and days.  You’ve experienced this more than once lately if my memory serves me correctly.  And you are still newly grieving yourself.  I send you strength ......

Love for the journey,

Bonnie, Jason’s Mom

[arc4ever]

Lorri:  You did good.  I know it was incredibly hard to go back to the place with so many awful memories. 

Haven't been on in awhile - very busy at work and just haven't had a chance.

It's been bad news in the Columbus, Ohio area in the last week we have:

lost two teenagers to an automobile accident - an 18 year old boy and his 15 year old girlfriend.

lost two kids ( a 15 y/o and an 11 y/o, (I believe) both girls).  They were shot by their father who then committed suicide.

lost a 16 year old boy yesterday afternoon, he was walking along railroad tracks after football practice (he played for my husband's very good friend, they were preparing for the state championship game which was played tonight - the team won the game  - Division I state champs)  This young man was walking along the tracks with his headphones on, he was hit by a train.

Tough week, it breaks our hearts doesn't it???

I spoke with a friend of mine last night for three hours until 1:30am - that is MUCH later than I normally stay up, but we both needed to talk.  She lost her two daughters (her only children) May 18, 2008, almost two months to the day from when we lost Adam.  She and I have become good friends.  I have tried to get her to come to this site, but she does not use the computer - maybe one day.  We talk about everything and I call her my sister - just as you all are my sisters and brothers.

Sleepy now, up late again and must get up for Mass and a meeting in the morning.

Goodnight to all, love Terrie (Adam's mom)

 

[ericasmom]

Silly me Betsy, I did not move my eyes to see the author. Thanks Dear.

Hey Sue, that red wine sounds nice alongside some old movies. I am a lump tonight, watched some HGTV and feeling a bit poor. NOt sick sick, but as though a cold is coming on. Crap, I sure wouldlike to not have a cold. I drank some sleepytime tea with some local honey, will hope for good sleep and no sickness.

Terrie, what sadness with all the tragic losses in your area. So very sad. Yep, as someone said yesterday, the parents and siblings will find themselves on the floor sobbing in this news. I sure wish that I could make it so that nobody had to ever get that kind of news, the kind of news we all received. Whether it is illness or accident, we fall to the floor in anguish and we learn very slowly how to breathe again, how to fill our lungs with air and our souls with hope and learn to stand and walk and then eventually how to sing and laugh and feel the sun on our faces again. It is all a very long process, one that needs to be respected as such, not hurried, not judged, without expectations to see the same human that was on the floor...they will be different, made so by the complete shattering of one's heart, but they will rise up and stand where their Child no longer can. God help us live it strong.

Lorri, I know going back to the place that served both as a shelter and as the dreaded home for your Girl, must have been very hard but you did it. She must be very proud of you. I know the memories of that time are harsh and still unbelievable, so pat yourself on the back. How is Monty's friend tonight?

I am so very tired, going to bed, deep sleep Indigos, know that you are loved all the time,

dee

PS Carol, love that story, LOVE IT, and yes, we sometimes can make mundane activities sound like a celebration. HOORAY!

[mikesmum]

Mary Ann - It really isn't about it getting worse as the years go by.  I just know for me the 1st year was the year of firsts cushioned by disbelief, denial and shock.  The 2nd for me  was hard only because the reality began to hit. 

It's 3yrs this Jan coming since Mike left. Depending on the day, the direction of the wind and the level of my energy I can be back at day one in a heart beat. The pain is softer and the 'recovery' from the abyss is quicker.  There is now a sadness settled in my heart that is there for all time.

I have also often thought that we are where we are supposed to be...

I agree with you Dee.  I have always believe we come in and out of lives and situations for a reason.....but also with Marcia, please someone let me know what that reason is - can't be to consume as much chocolate and diet coke as is humanly possible before I shuffle off this mortal coil????

Carol - Love the pics...you looker you!  Love the Mork PJ's, always wanted to wear my hair like Pam Dawber.....never liked her after she married Mark Harmon....The story, yep Dee all over.  Emily's prep year they had an 'awards morning' for the Minister of Education to attend.  Her award was for the best show and tell - she bought Mal and his ambulance....

Bonnie - Heartbeataway - tears fall, the words their relevance that ache that stays forever...thanks

Each time I hear of another child lost, another parent struggling to come to terms with this afront to the natural order it does take me back.   So many so young, was it always like this or am I more acutely aware of the fragility than before.

I remember overhearing a story being told of a local mother had lost her son.  How his step dad tried to revive him but couldn't.  How the coroner was investigating his death because it was unexpected......I felt such empathy and compassion for the mother of this child....right up until I realised they had been talking about Mike....then I just fell.

Steven & Kelly let me have Jeya and Zak overnight Whoo Hoooo!!!  Love these babies.....

Jeya 'checking the truck'

Zak 'observer on the truck'

For those who 'hate seeing these trucks I apologise, I just needed to post something positive about having the Ambulance in my drive.  Mal does save lives, but not all can be save.    The grandies innocence radiates in their faces with  the lights and the 'wonderment' of the truck.

Trudi

[jobaby]

Hi Everyone!!!   Just checking in on all ya'll.  I survived Charlie's 1st anniversary.  The 3rd wasn't so hard it was yesterday that took it's toll.  Anyway wish you all the best. Just to clarify Charlie passed on December 3, 2008.  Realized that the 3rd did not quite sound correct if it was the 1st anniversary.  My brain does not work correctly all the time.

[shorty16]

Indigos

Aaron had a wrestling meet yeaterday and had 5 matches.

Won 2 by points.  Lost one by points in overtime and lost two to being pinned.

I am just glad he is taking part.

This was JV only.  Very fun to watch.  Long time between matches. Started at 9:30 am ended at 4pm - long day.

I want to be happy today.

Today is the day the Lord has made.  Let us be glad and rejoice in it.

Colleen 

 

[shorty16]

Lorri

HUGE step going to that hospital.  Your friend must be very special to you.  Just one more step forward in our journey of grief.

Colleen

[heartbeataway]

[user=17130]mikesmum[/user] wrote:

  There is now a sadness settled in my heart that is there for all time.

I remember overhearing a story being told of a local mother had lost her son.  How his step dad tried to revive him but couldn't.  How the coroner was investigating his death because it was unexpected......I felt such empathy and compassion for the mother of this child....right up until I realised they had been talking about Mike....then I just fell.

My goodness Trudi ....... I can only imagine hearing the story and realizing you were the "local Mom" ....

And "a sadness settled in my heart " ...... exactly, perfect words.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

 

So uplifting to read everyone's thoughts and see the pictures and feel connected to the successes that each one achieves. 

 

 Thanks Trudi for the thought about the sadness.  and the smile about bringing the ambulance to class

 

Today will be 2 and 1/2 years  since Stephen's angel day I too have accepted that this  profound sadness in my soul  will be there always and somehow I am comforted by that

 

.I do  feel different each day. I laugh more, can accomplish more, can be there for others and at the end of the day I can spend time with my warm memories of Stephen for they are precious to me.

I am going to change his picture back as I like just seeing him when I sign on.

  

Bonnie It makes me happy to see Jason's on the board  when I sign on, Carol love the story, Colleen great news about AJ, Marcia  hope you get out in the sun today, Betsy loved the poem  I have yet to  see the web site  I did like that dress too, Sherry good luck with "nesting". Sue and Suzannah thanks for the smile and the inspiration.

 

Terrie, Mary Ann, Lorrie, Kathy  and all other Indigos  Thinking of you today.  It is so good to feel that I am not alone.

 

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[Guest]

Good morning, Indigo's;

I feel like I'm getting a cold, too.  I welcome it.  I know it sounds dumb, but, I somehow feel more justified not doing anything and staying in bed when my physical symptoms are obvious.  What's even dumber is no one has ever questioned or blamed me for not wanting to do anything.  It's just a fight within myself.

I am SO glad so many who have walked this path before me have adviced not to allow anyone tell me how to grieve.  I'm so glad for the validation and warmth I've received from even the professionals I sought to "make me normal again". 

Today, I realize the only person judging my progress and criticizing me is me!  Oh, I'm sure there are others talking about it but they have the good graces to do it behind my back.  LOL

Colleen - I'm so excited for AJ.  I'm not sure to thank you or not, though.  The Christian song, "This is the day, this is the day, that the Lord has made, that the Lord has made.  I will rejoice.  I will rejoice.  And, be glad in it.  And, be glad in it..." is going to be a broken record in my thoughts throughout the day!  LOL 

I hope you know I'm teasing. 

Joline - My brain didn't work correctly before Stephanie died.  All bets are off, now.  I'm not even trying to get it (my brain) back.  Glad to "see" you.

Trudi - the picture of the ambulance didn't bother me one bit.   Thank God for the EMT's, firemen, police officers and all in the medical/service/helping field.  They save far more than they lose. 

I couldn't find Carol's post.  I'm so glad Claudia repeated it.  What a wonderful story.  "I've been chosen to clap and cheer."  You know, I think that's what our children are doing for us, now......clapping and cheering us on. 

Personally, I had hoped Stephanie would also haunt Tina (the kid's perpetrator) but I've been told by a spiritual intuitive that she (Stephanie) is above that, now.  My response was, "Well, I'm sure as hell not above it.  If I die, you can bet your sweet booties I'm going to haunt Tina!"

God will probably make me live forever.  (Sigh)

Sending love and peace!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

 

[hotrod]

    Happy Belated Angel Day

             Charlie

          12-03

 

Know that you are missed and loved by many.  Send mom a sign

 

Betty

Stephen;s mom:)

[ericasmom]

Trudi, my goodness the sadness that has settled in our hearts is so true. I wrote once of the nest of grief that settles in a place right in our hearts oddly positioned next to joy. The thin line of joy and loss. Pulling out the memories and allowing your heart to rejoice in them comes with time, prior to that time, and because they are so side by side, pulling them out and being able to relish them, is hard to fathom when grief is very new. NO time frame to worry about Folks, you will find your own time frame just right. You know Trud, I am so happy, tears actually of happy, that you said what you did about the ambulance, because when you first found it hard to have it in your driveway, I thought that as much as we hate the sound and the possible implication of such a vehicle, that we are so grateful for all those women and men that drive and work for the greater good. Thank youfor sharing. Go Em.

Go Aaron too, wow, what a long sweaty day, but good for him and good for your whole family Col. Snow coming your way, my way too, but they are saying more for you.

Yep, I do have a cold so I am forgoing the gym and going instead for a long winter walk, under the sunny skies. Could use that vitamin d. I have a lot of homework, report cards are due out on Friday. YIKES!

Love to all, check in later.

[4everjoeysmom]

Colleen, I found Arthur's story in the Columbus news online. I am so saddened for his untimely loss and the tragedy his mother is experiencing, having already lost her husband years earlier. I cannot even begin to describe how deeply my heart sinks when I hear of yet another tragedy by train, since that too is how my Beautiful Boy died.

Your post inspired me to write a Facebook article to share with my FB friends on safety and awareness on train tracks. It's an issue that remains close to my heart, and I do pray that out of my tragedy some good can come to help others prevent similar tragedy in their lives.

God bless you and your heart for being so sensitive to the families around you who are experiencing loss and the beginning of this journey called bereavement. I know we all here can relate so much more than we ever had before...

If anyone on FB who hasn't found me yet would like to request me as a friend, you can find me by searching name Claudia Labrador or by my e-mail clab2010@yahoo.com

Love and Hugs to all!!

[briansdad]

I showed Alyssa how to use the software and here is what she made.

[ericasmom]

Greg please tell Alyssa that I loved the work she did here, that I cried and that I felt so close to her Daddy through the images and the music adn the heart she put into this.

Peace all the time,

dee

[ericasmom]

So I went for a long walk and enjoyed the sun on my body, Well through my many layers anyhow, it is cold out. I was touched by the beauty in the woods, the ice beginning to form along the margins of the slough, so pretty as though someone sprinkled diamonds around the circumference. It was very quiet and peaceful out, the whole town seems to be resting. I like that.

See you all, more homework and maybe naptime.

dee

[mpsmom]

Alyssa, what a beautiful tribute to your Daddy, I loved  loved loved the video and the music you picked !!!!!!!!

HUGS, Marcia   Bethanys Mom Forever

[mysonrich]

Marcia, there is a children's clothing store nearby that has beautiful things in the window. Yesterday I passed another while out. I can't being myself to shop in the boutique type of store yet. Maybe because I have no little ones but when I read you story of shopping for the young family I remembered the year I had a portrait taken of Sarah and Rich. I had their outfits just about ready and I was looking for a turtleneck to go with Rich's vest. I didn't want solid white,green or red. his vest, which i still have was primary red with some dark green, I looked and looked and finally stopped into the store in our town, Elf Moods( took me a day to remember the name) and there it was! Rich's turtleneck with green and red piping on the turtle neck part. I have the picture somewhere. And isn't it nice that we can help others at this time of year!

 

Sue, hope to see the Christmas card when it's completed. And that your prayer was answered.

 

Trudi, the rescue squad/firehouse was right across the street from Rich's home. While Kathy, the g/f, was giving Rich CPR and trying to talk to 911 at the same time ,the siren went off. Though I have some harsh feelings for her at times I don;t want to imagine her hell that day. The EMT's arrived but did nothing. Kathy always said that Rich was breathing, she thought his chest was moving. I don;t know and if he was they would have attempted something right? Maybe not, I don't know and it doesn't matter now.But a ambulance is a great show and tell item. And I do respect the men and woman in that role.

 

 Susannah, my tree isn't up yet but it will be. I know it must be very heard for you to carry on with tradition and keep the spirit. Stephanie is there with you. Do you have an angel on the top of the tree or a star?

 

 

A couple pic's of Christmas. Rich's first with Santa and in the other, the way he looks at his big sister. Rich's 2nd word was Sa-Ba. Sarah, Also, we went with a short tree in this pic because the year before Rich pulled the tree over. I caught t it just in time a he zoomed off in his walker.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

 

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Wow, ALyssa! Great Job!! The tribute to your daddy is just beautiful!!!

[mysonrich]

Alyssa, a beautiful job well done. :dude:

 

The tree that Rich pulled over.

 

Greg andAlyssa, I know dad's are important so..........

Rich and his dad. I don't think either were feeling well but the ex didn't like his picture taken much.