Loss of an Adult Child

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Alyssa What a beautiful tribute to Dad. Thank you Greg for sharing it.

Betsey  Loved the pictures of Christmas past and the heartfelt story of the Christmas turtleneck  Hope to see that picture soon.

Marcia Thinking of you and hoping you are feeling better  Please try to sit out in the sun

I feel better now that I have changed Stephen's picture back to the one I used when I first signed on.  I feel that is the picture that best represents him.

Put up my tree today and added the angel at the top.  Stephen would always insist on decorting the tree on Christmas Eve because this was our family trdition when he was Little.  Decorate the tree  Read Christmas stories, Play carols and bake cookies for Santa.  That was Christmas Eve.

I am just happy I have the tree and lights up  They add warmth to my being

Have a great evening

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[hotrod]

My Avatar did not change  Sorry will work on that

[hotsauce]

GREG, your beautiful ALYSSA, did just a great job on the video.  i am so jealous,  i can't even do that.

mary ann

BRIAN'S momdukes

[lolynbo]

JUST GOT HOME FROM CHURCH WE HAD CHURCH THEN OUR HOLIDAY FEAST THEN A MEETING...WOW LONG DAY..

I WANTED TO POST  A PIC OF KIMBERLY AND CODY. THEY  HAD JUST BEEN TO AN "UGLY CHRISTMAS SWEATER PARTY"..WE FOUND EHR SWEATER AT THE THRIFT STORE..AND I SHOWED HER HOW TO SEW ON THINGS WE FOUND AT HOBBY LOBBY......

BUT NOTICE THE ORB ON HER LEG...HER SISTER IS STILL WATCHING OVER HER AT PARTIES..SHE SAID KOURTNEY WOULD ALWAYS SAY " OK THATS YOUR LAST BEER, WHERE ARE YOUR KEYS...AH NO SMOKING"...LOL

[mikesmum]

Alyssa - You are very very talented.  These are memories you share with your dad forever.  Greg - the genes don't lie. 

Betsy - I remember the calltaker that day looking at me saying, "she says she can't get him on the floor to do CPR".  All I could do was what I was trained to do.  "Tell her she needs get him on the floor anyway she can so we can help her help him".  It took the first crew 7 mins from dispatch to arrive.  When they did no CPR was in progress despite us being told it was. That and the fact she took up to 40 mins to call after first thinking he 'wasn't quite right' made me angry - my anger lasted almost 1yr. I wasn't there she was. 

Mal has a folder that contains his citations & news articles. I have similar. I recently sat here and thumbed through them.  There are letters from family who thanks us for being on the other end of the phone at a time when their lives were changing forever, for the expertise that may or may not have saved a life.  They were things I had forgotten. 

There was one from Christmas Day 2004.  The Mercy hospital for Women in Melbourne had caught  fire.  The entire hospital was evacuated including several neo natal ICU infants.  I was one of the dispatchers, Mal the Intensive Care Co-Ordinator. 

The event went smoothly. The joke in the communications centre "We know what Mal is getting YOU for Christmas. This pic is from the front page of The Age in Melbourne. 

Thank God for the EMT's, firemen, police officers and all in the medical/service/helping field.  They save far more than they lose. 

Peace be with you and yours - wrapping the sadness in my heart with memories of happier places and time.

[ericasmom]

Trudi, Love that you are remembering the goodness you have given in the days when you did the job you did. We forget don't we, who we were once? YOu are still that girl/woman Trudi, but with more dimensions now, due to loss and finding your new life. I am very proud of you. I love the joke from the communications- cute. Your words today are dripping with greatness.

Betty, for me when I change the avitar, it takes a few days before I see the change, don't know why. BUt heck, why are you apologizing, you are so pretty, a dynamic looking woman, brilliant smile. I am glad that the tree has provided you a sense of things, good for you. I lag wayyyyy behind in that venue.

Betsy, love the Dad and Rich photo. I have a similar one of Jon and his Daddo. I will have to find it. Great photos, a wonderful glimpse into the lives of this family, the combined family.

OK, Lorri, you did well with the sweater lessons. She sure is one pretty lady that Kim. I love the orb, Kourtney is an ever-present watch-angel.

love to you all-

[lolynbo]

WHEN I CHANGE MY AVATAR..I JUST HIT REFRESH AND IT CHANGES..RIGHT THEN...(WHEN I GET BACK TO THE MAIN PAGE)

THANKS DEE..I THINKS SHE IS BEAUTIFUL..

[heartbeataway]

Betsey,

Precious pictures!  The bow on his little head in the first picture ..... how cute!

Greg,

I bet you cried too!  Precious memories from Daddy’s little girl ......

Lorri,

I know it’s suppose to be ugly but it was still a really nice picture!

Trudi,

What a sweet picture of Mal and the preemie.  There must be a lot of satisfaction in saving lives!

Betty,

I’m glad you have your tree up!  I have a crescent moon Santa as my tree topper.  I collected crescent moon ornaments for many years.

[Guest]

At the risk of sounding like an absolutely horrible mother, I have a question.

Do any of you experience anger towards your child for dying? 

I'm angry at Stephanie!  I'm angry that she took so long to get serious about kicking her drug habit and allowed her children to go through hell.  I'm angry that after she finally got clean and sober she got involved with a man basically still in prison for felony stalking his ex.  I'm angry that she lied to me and others.  She came right out and said she was leaving men alone and she was already on her second boyfriend in six weeks.  The first one just got out of prison for shooting someone.

I'm angry that she was on that four wheeler in the first place.  I'm angry that, once again, she's abdicated her responsibility of being a mother. 

I'm just angry!  And, I'm guilty!  Lord knows I'm so guilty!  And, I'm angry about that! 

I'm sick to death hearing about free will.  Free will be damned!  How do you explain free will to innocent children?  What about their free will?  How do you explain free will to the child dying of cancer? 

I'm sorry.  I'm tired.  And, I'm tired of being tired.  I love Stephanie.  I've always loved Stephanie.  But, her drug addiction put us all through hell for years.  Mostly her children.  She should have never been allowed to be a mother.  What does that say about me?  I'm the one who raised her!

My oldest daughter, Amanda, is 30 and she can't have children.  She never got over that her sister kept having these babies with different fathers and she was on drugs each time.  Mariah was conceived when Steph was homeless and on LSD.  Jasmine was born with marijuana in her system.  Jonathon was conceived in the backseat of a car in the parking lot of an AA meeting, while Steph's husband was at home watching the other two.

So, here's Stephanie having babies and abandoning them and Amanda can't even get pregnant. 

My son is a good father.  My youngest daughter is a wonderful mother.

Damn it!  Damn it!  Damn it! 

Are we supposed to immortalize her because she died?  Are we supposed to ignore the horror of her life? 

I'm going to regret this.  But, I'm posting it anyway.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[heartbeataway]

Susannah,

You're not a horrible mother, you're a grieving mother. 

It's okay to rant and rave, to get angry and to question ........ it's okay!

[mpsmom]

Susannah, I fully agree with Bonnie's words, I could not have said it better.  And yes there was a time I was mad at my Bethany for dying.  I was mad that she was somewhere besides where I thought she was -- not a big deal --- had nothing to do with her dying, her little heart just quit, nothing woul dhave saved her short of her being in a ER when it stopped, they told me that even if there had been paddles right there to shock her heart they likely would not have been able to bring her back. 

I have tried very hard to let go of being mad, but somedays I am mad at everyone, God, and everything.. WHY WHY WHY ?????  I thought I was keeping her safe, we lived in a very safe little community, she was an extremely safe driver, she went to two safe driving schools after she learned to drive -- but God took her anyway, nothing I could have done could have changed that... being angry is part of the healing process. It's OK to be mad.

HUGS< Marcia    Bethanys Mom Forever

[Guest]

[user=19401]heartbeataway[/user] wrote:

Susannah,

You're not a horrible mother, you're a grieving mother. 

It's okay to rant and rave, to get angry and to question ........ it's okay!

Thank you, Bonnie! 

On the outside I know I look like a grieving, depressed mother.  On a good day, I even look like an attractive, intelligent grieving mother.

But, on the inside, I'm a raving, raging lunatic.  On the inside my hair resembles Phyllis diller and I'm screaming and breaking things and running down the street with my fists in the air.  Throwing slugs at nothing. 

I would be "Cap'n Dan" from Forest Gump, sitting on the sail, yelling at God during the storm.  But, I haven't found the peace Cap'n Dan found. 

It comes.  Understanding and acceptance comes.  But, right now my question to my Creator is, "What the hell are you doing?" 

So, here I sit.  In my husband's oversized lazy chair that has become my "home", wrapped in an electric blanket, typing on this laptop.  It's what I do now.  Sit here with blanket and laptop.  It's my new hobby.  Sitting here with my laptop. 

I did make a good meat loaf dinner.

I'm sure those who are sick of my talking will know it's okay to just skip my posts.  But, to those who do read, thank you. 

I have failed my daughter in so many ways, so many different times.  I can't reconcile her life.  I can't reconcile her death.  And, then there's these three children that my husband and I, only married three years, are going to raise. 

Self pity.

Okay.  I'm done talking...for now.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

 

[Guest]

Thank you, Marcia.

[ericasmom]

Susannah, why will you regret saying what is in your heart right now.? Bonnie is right, you are a MOm who is hurting. No, you don't have to put her on a pedestal and of course you are angry that she is not here to take care of her children, and angry that she didn't take care of them better when she was here. Being angry does not cancel out your love for her. It never will and she gets it Sus, she understands why you are angry.

Stephanie had addiction issues, sounds like her addiction to drugs ended but continued with men, dangerous men. I know many woman young and my age (53) that continue with that addiction. Sad but real.

Getting your angst out of you is nothing to ever feel guilty over on this site. WE are your shoulders to cry on, and what you rant or rave about is another good reason to be here. The things I say here might not be things I can say out there, in the wide open. Here, I am safe, you are safe, your feelings will not come back and bite you, they are simply how you are feeling now. It is okay to be angry at Steph, to be disappointed in her, it is not abnormal and in fact is fairly common.

I was never really angry at Eri when she died. My therapist kept saying that she thought that maybe I was afraid of being angry at Eri for getting hit by the train. I wasn't though. I wish she heard the train, but she probably had her music up loud, her windows were probably up because it was a very cool night on July 8th 2003. It was drizzly, and the light was broken for 11 months, so my anger was never with her in her accident but with the AMTRAK adn the village of Kalamazoo for not changing the damn fuse, the 3 or 4 dollar fuse.

 However, that said, so many times in Eri's young life found us arguing. We loved each other hugely, HUGELY< but her work ethic in school drove me nuts, and though she had learning problems, I HATED the waste of time and energy she spent trying to get out of her work. I regret how much time we argued, and I know that I made her feel like crap at times, she HATED that I had learning problems too and that I promised her she would find ways to work around them, she felt that I was too verbal about it. I wanted to be an advocate for her in school but could not because she pretty much let it go. Maybe she knew that she did not need what they were trying to teach her, her skills were purely social, and she was Damn good at social. I always told her that it is a talent to make friends everywhere you go, and that she had that talent. I know that she still does, she is bopping around with all of your kids. My little Pink Bing.

[ericasmom]

I failed my Daughter too, many times. When I got married she was so sad. When I made her take her classes with special education teachers for a time, when I did not let her go places she wanted to go, when I did not always believe her, the list goes on. I failed her when I did not raise the bar adn not let her go out until she made attempts to do better work. Oh I failed my Boy in that same way, let them put minimal effort into school and I seriously don't know how or why I did that. I can't change it however. Frustrating.

Love,

dee

[Guest]

Thanks, Dee.  You guys are the best! 

 

[summergirl]

Hello Indigo's - haven't been here since Thursday nite !!! Too long for me but spent the weekend with Tavian and major cleaning.

So many beautiful words written, poems, pictures (so adorable) saddness, happiness and memories......will take me time to catch up but I am here now.

Barry and I have talked and we are going to put Tavian back into therapy.....we think he will open up much more about what transpires when he is with Grandma...we also want everything documented for the time (if it happens) when she will take us to court for visitations.  For now we are going to play as though we know nothing, the thing that will change is he will go to Grandma's on Friday and come home on Sunday afternoon......once a month....will see if she says anything about it but I do not want him there during the school days or long enough that she can take him anywhere we do not want him.   I received a letter from the school saying Tavian has been LATE TO SCHOOL 7 TIMES......guess she doesn't care about that either...anyway will keep you posted.'

Susannah - that is quiet a powerful posting and no I did not have any anger at Jessica.....much anger about WHY but not at her........Jessica was a wonderful mother, daughter, friend and she was everything I always wanted in a daughter and was blessed to have her.    BUT........I have a son, Bj, who is 32 years old, he is a drug addict and has been for 16 years...I have spent a very long time trying to "fix" him and have just recently cut my ties with him.....I have talked about my son here before but do not know if you were here yet.....my son was just recently aressted for assult, he posted the bond with the money I sent him for an apartment, the money I thought he had ALREADY paid for the apartment with. I love my son but no matter what I do for him it is never enough, he lies to me repeatedly and out of my love for him I have always choosen to ignore the obvious because if "I just do this one more time he will change his life" - well, it hasn't worked, I have told him that the day would come when I would no longer be there for him, that I love him but I will not send him money or take care of him and that day has come. I know he is in DesMoines, Iowa with "friends" but other than that I will not talk to him, I will not send him money.....I will love him always, I will pray that he finds his way but I cannot go through this anymore.  For those who have not walked this different path I am sorry if I offend you with my words of "cutting my son out of my life" but I have come to the realization that I am harming my son more than helping him, as long as he has me to support him with money he will never find his way, my therapist tells me that I am doing the right thing, friends tell me I am doing the right thing, my heart tells me to take care of him but my mind knows I cannot save him...only he can save himself.      So Susannah....I understand your anger at Stephanie, there was even a time in the early months after Jessica left us that I looked at my husband and said "why Jessica and not Bj" -- I regreted the words as soon as I said them but I had already said them.  All I can do now is pray that he finds his way, it is in his hands.  I too have questioned myself "what kind of mother raises a child who turns to drugs, what did I do wrong......the answer is nothing, I raised him and Jessica the same and children do not come with instructions. I am feeling your pain my friend and I just wanted you to know that I understand. I thank all of you for letting me "vent" once again but I needed to let Susannah know I hear her.....    

Friday night we went to the firehouse to trim the tree -  Tavian loves it - we go every year. Saturday morning Barry and Tavian were in the Christmas parade, Barry drove for his company and Tavian was with on the cubscouts float, it was raining and he was so cold and happy when he came home....hot shower and spent the rest of the day on my laptop. Today we went to the firehouse for the "Santa breakfast, good food and Santa was there. Then we left and got our Christmas tree, some pine rope for decorating, agian Tavian was so excited.......I however was wearing my mask, my happy one........when we got to the place where we buy our tree the memories came flooding back like a tidal wave......the last Christmas we were there with Jessica and Tavian - getting our tree and one for their apartment.....Santa was there and Jessica sat on his lap and I took pics.....she was so beautiul, laughing and then realized that she was sitting on her "bosses lap", didn't bother her at all.    One of her friends once told me "you could know Jessica for 5 minutes or a lifetime, you never forgot her"............

Well, it is time to get Tavian settled in for the night so I will say goodnight. I keep you all in my prayers and thoughts and hope to catch up with each of you soon. Love and peaceful, sweet dreams.........Kathy    

[Guest]

One time, before babies started entering the picture, all my children and I were walking through the mall and having a good time.  I told them I wished I had been a better mom to them.  They all assured me I was a good mother.  Stephanie's remarks, however, made us all laugh.

"You're a good mother, Mom!  You don't let us get away with anything.  You break up parties and even call the cops on us!  You smell our  breath and shine a flashlight in our eyes when you think we're high." 

You would have had to have been there.  But, it struck us all as so funny.  We laughed so hard we couldn't walk.  There we were, in the middle of the mall, bent over with laughter.

[Guest]

((((Kathy))))

Thank you. 

I told Stephanie I would give my last breath to save her but she doesn't want to be saved, so I'm going to live.  I told her what you told BJ, all my helping isn't helping. 

I just want you to know I understand.  Which, you knew I would (I think).  Thank you so much for letting me know you understand too!

As all of you have!

 

[ericasmom]

May the pain of loss and the worry we harbor for those still here ease some and allow us a sense of our Children's peace.

Dee

[Guest]

[user=7435]ericasmom[/user] wrote:

May the pain of loss and the worry we harbor for those still here ease some and allow us a sense of our Children's peace.

Dee

Amen.

 

[hotrod]

Thanks Lorri for the information about the Avatar

 

Suzannah  I also hear you.  I would love a do over with Stephen but even if I did have a do over- I do believe his life would have turned out just as it did. 

 

 I do believe that addiction is a disease and not a moral issue.  I know how painful that road you are on is. . 

 

 Dee,  Stephen always was able to make me laugh and I never was able to enforce rules.  He hated school and homework and I was very lenient.  He picked up drugs at 16 when his father passed away but stopped when he was 19.  

 

He did not go to college and went to trade school because he wanted to race cars and build engines. I could do nothing but try to support his choices.  He did well landed the perfect well paying job, bought a house, built and raced a race car, had a great love affair.  When that ended, he turned to alcohol and within 3 years he had died from alcohol related internal bleeding. During those 3 years,  I spent  a great  deal of money on rehabs and detoxs, paid all his bills and finally lived with him the last year.  It was very hard but I could not walk away. 

 

 I was never angry with him  I felt addiction was a disease he was powerless over it.  I was very, very angry with God for a long time.  Today I am grateful that Stephen had a wonderful life and that the last few years were difficult and that  I was able to be there for him.

 

 

.

 

[mpsmom]

Betty, love the new avatar of your boy...........How cute Stephen is with his hamster and guinna pig.  We have had many many hamsters, most are buried right in the back yard.  I remember Larry and I were going out for the evening for a show on LV strip, Bethanys hamster "Sunshine" was really sick, he had quit eating so we tried feeding him from a syryinge, she was to spend the night with her grandparents, so she took sunshine with her ,sure enough the hamster died while at my Dad's house, he made a little wooden coffin for it and a wooden cross and they buried it in his back yard.  There is still a little wooden cross in his yard for that hampster.  She was alwasy a animal lover, she would have had as many as she could have.   When she went away to college she planned on having a daschound (SP?) named Toby.  One day I suppose we will find a "Toby" at the pound and will have to adopt it.    I am sorry I am rambling but wanted to tell you how cute the pic you posted was.  I still feed Bethanys three little orange fish in her room every morning and also feed and water her hermit crab who must be at least 4 years old now. 

HUGS> Marcia    Bethanys Mom Forever

[lolynbo]

MY BROTHER WAS HOOKED ON CRACK/METH SUCH A RUFF HELL TO GET OFF...I DONT SMOKE OR DRINK (VERY MUCH HICCUP)...BUT I NO PPL THAT CANT QUIT THEM...AND "DRUGS ARE XSXSXS WORSE".....I DONT JUDGE THEM I WISH I COULD HELP PPL ON DRUGS...SO SAD AND A WASTE OF LIFE AND FAMILY....DRUGS DESTROY BOTH...

YOUR NOT RAMBLIN MARCIA...WE LOVE HEARING FROM YOU....IT DONT MATTER WHAT WE SAY ON HERE....WE ALL UNDERSTAND....

ITS SO WEIRD HOW WE HELP EACH OTHER...IF IM DOWN YAL BRING ME UP OR IF SOMEONE IS "IN THE DARK " HELL WE HELP THEM UP....IMAGINE IF WE ALL WERE DOWN IN THE SAME DAY AND TIME....

IM SO THANKFUL I HAVE FOUND ALL OF YAL...I WOULDNT BE ALIVE I THINK IF I HADNT..

GOD BLESS EVERYONE OF YOU...

JUST GOT DOES OF REALITY MYSELF...JUST LOOKED ON TARGET/BEDBATHBEYOND...BRENT AND CARLEY ARE REGISTERED ON THERE......KOURTNEY REALLY IS GONE..NO LONGER HIS WIFE..NO LONGER THE BRIDE...NEVER GOING TO HAVE BABIES....

 

[summergirl]

Susannah - I do understand more than you know.      I too believe that drugs are a disease but I also know that I have spent thousands of dollars, borrowed money, put my bills aside to try to save my son from this disease. I have taken him to rehabs only to have him walk out a day later, I have visited him in jail more times than I can tell you, I have believed him when every one told me he was lying to get the money from me for more drugs, I have never stopped loving him and never will, I would do anything to get him on the straight and narrow but there is nothing more I can do, is it true that you have to hit rock bottom to begin the climb up???  I hope so, I just know that I have run out of options, at 32 years old you need to find your way, I will support him with love and encourage him BUT I will not send him money, money that he will buy drugs with..........I am sorry if I sound like a terrible person but as we all say "until you walk in my shoes"

I love all of you here, you are my lifeline, my sisters and brothers who understand me more than anyone else I know.  Peace, Kathy

 

[4everjoeysmom]

I haven't met a single soul here that I think has ever gotten sick of reading someone's posts. Susannah, I believe everyone here is either facing what you feel now or has felt that at one time or another throughout the grieving process, and can truly relate with you. We all go through phases where we're more vocal and then we're more quiet. Those phases kind of ebb and flow like the very grief we carry. My heart aches for where you are right now, in the over sized chair, wrapped in a blanket, with your laptop. We've all been there and wished so hard that we could get up and do something else. We eventually do. But I will be honest. I STILL have my over sized chair, wrapped in a blanket, laptop days. I've finally told myself, IT's OK. I don't care of others want to judge me for it. Like you said earlier...I think it was you... that you are the one being hard on yourself. There's so much to work through after losing a child--no matter what age they were. I read very early in my grief where someone had said that we not only mourn who we lost at that time, but the child they were, our past with them and the future that will never be. That is so true. YES! I cherish what I had..every moment. BUT it's damn hard letting go. It takes time and one breath at a time. And we're all here for you and each other, as we all have our moments when we need to feel understood and not alone.

Kathy, Your decision to get Tavian back into counseling is wise. HUGS for strength and perseverance with that and through the Christmas season.

I wish us all strength through this time that is most difficult.... xoxoxo ~Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

P.s. Kathy, NO. It is NOT bad! IT is wise to finally say NO, I will no longer enable you in your sickness and bad choices. LOVE sometimes means toughening up and leaving one to their devices until they have nowhere else to go but up and out of the hole they are stuck in. We can lend a hand with love. But LOVE is free. We don't need to prove we are worthy of their love in return by giving them money or everything they want, and definitely not by enabling them. I stand by you 100%, Friend! xoxoxo

[ericasmom]

And Amen to all the wise words spoken here tonight.

Yes Lorri, your Kourtney is never a Mom here, but I bet she nurtures little ones in heaven. You made me laugh again Lor, saying I wonder what we'd do if we were all down on the same day. I know that our synchronicity is pretty amazing.

Kathy, BJ's issues with drugs are not a reflection of your parenting, same to you Susannah, but instead a disease that any one of us could have...no telling until one is there. Betty, I am sorry that Stephen found himself in the thick of addiction.

I give you a lot of credit Kath, for cutting the funding for BJ, I know that that must be hard, but I think it is wise. I also am happy that Tav is going back to therapy. It is simply a tool to use to strengthen his ability to talk and put things in perspective. Wouldn't it be nice if more folks grew up knowing how to do that?

And Betty, I give you a lot of credit as I think of you moving in with Stephen as his health deteriorated. You took care of your Boy knowing that he was in deep trouble. There is never just one way of dealing with life, with love, we do what we must adn what we can. NO wrong way to love our kids. I know that most parents I know and deal with still are doing thier level best.

I love his new avitar by the way, and the photo of little man Stephen with his beloved animals.

Marcia, the picture in my brain of a tiny little cross in your POp's back yard...so dear.

Sleep well dearhearts, dream sweetly and know that you are loved each moment.

[ericasmom]

Sherry when is the big move? Let us know.

dee

[mikesmum]

To all - I was never angry at Mike for dying, moreson myself for not ringing him that last night.   I know in our lifetime together there were times when we clashed, I mean kaaaboooommmm.  Too similar in many ways.   But as I have been told many times by many of his friends - "Mike always loved you".

I have this theory that we raise our kids with a do no harm approach.  With the life experience we have we try to impart to them those things that will allow them a safe passage into the independant world.  What and who they encounter outside this is something we cannont control.  

This site allows for full rants, raves and purging enabling support to flow and healing to continue...posts are read, they each in their own way provide answers or explanations about this journey for those who visit.

I would like my Indigo family to meet Mal's first grandson.

Dion Jacob McLeod was born around noon'ish today.  No specifications as yet.  

One precious little boy.........one very proud Grandpa.

Mum Tara & Dad Anthony - don't ever remember being this young with a baby (lol)!!

[mpsmom]

Trudi, so tiny and so precious...........how proud you both must be, another 'grandie' to spoil..      Love, Marcia   Bethanys Mom Forever

[mysonrich]

Good morning Indigo's,  While I did get out some this weekend I also slept alot. Probably fighting off a bug that's creeping up on me. I did make 3 cards for Hearts for the Holidays. I have a few more to make but they lack something. My spirit?

 

Trudi, A beautiful baby and handsome grand-daddy.

 

Betty, I lke the avatar too. The car Stephen built, a '69 Camaro?

 

 

Susannah, there are many wise words from great people here at BI. I know about the laptop addiction. One day mine was acting up, I ran to my neighbor, a computer consultant andsaid, " help me Henry, my link to the outside world is breaking". He cleaned it up some and though it still needs work, I am thankful that he understood.

Drugs have killed too many people that I have known in life. John,Kim,Eric,Terry,   John,early 40's, Kim late 30's and Eric (late 20's) all died from Oxycontin. I have pic;s of my son with Kim, a striking tall blond. 

 

There was a young man that spoke at Rich's service, Ben. One day Rich called me and said that Ben had started to mess around with heroin and that he was going to "detach" himself from the friendship. My only words to Rich at the time was to don;t let go, hang on to your friend, he needs you now. Ben came around and stopped. I'm not saying that letting go is bad, as with Kathy and her son, I agree, it has been years and I think its called "tough love". Can't enable. Anyway, with Ben, he referred as himself as Rich's best friend and never went home after Rich died. Ben's mom was worried but we watched Ben. I only hope that he stayed away from that stuff.

 

 

I never hated Rich for dieing. I hated others and found out that that hate was making me very sick. What I have never mentioned here as I struggled was that this past September I just kind of quit. I stayed home and for almost 2 months didn;'t do anywhere. You guys helped me. I was raised not to ask for much help. The German side of the family, my grandfather, were tough. BUt I slowly cracked. I think my physical health has improved, as far as the counseling, I have not returned yet. as I said before, talking brought forth the bad dreams and anxiety yet again. Very bad dreams. Part of me feels that being alone in a new town,new job and having to relied on me, with your help, I HAD TO deal and as i said before, I don't want to go back to the hate.

 

Have a nice day all. i still need you all and am thankful that you are here.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

 

 

 

[mysonrich]

Marcia and Betty, I just saw the pictures of Stephens guinna pig. He loved them didn't he Betty. I can see that

Rich had a guinna pig too. Her name was Babe. I found her one morning, hanging on to life. I told Rich that she was waiting for him, to say good bye. He went to her cage and wanted to know what happened. I told him that Babe was old for a guinna pig and it was time. He went to school and Babe went to guinna pig heaven.

[shorty16]

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow!!

Snowing today and 12" coming Tuesday night, Wednesday morning.

White Christmas

Colleen

[Guest]

Good morning Indigo's!

Thank you all for your words of validation and encouragement last night.  They mean more than I can say.

Kathy - You don't sound like a terrible person at all.  I get it!  I think it's called tough love because it's tough on the person giving it. 

Lori - Is your name spelled with one R or two?  It's only been 4 months for me, but those doses of reality are painful.  As Claudia said, we not only mourn the loss of our child, but the dreams we had (they had).  I'm sure Kourtney would have been a wonderful mother. 

 Betty - I love the picture of Stephen and his guinna pig.  What an adorable little boy!

Trudi - Congratulations on the new grandbaby!  Precious!

When the sherrif's deputy met me at the crash site to explain exactly how it happened he kept trying to comfort me.  I told him I was at peace with the way Stephanie died, it's the previous 28 years that's kicking my butt. 

She was so talented.  Indeed, more talented than my other children.  She could sing, dance and had natural artistic talent.  Her poetry and drawings were beautiful and heartbreaking. 

When she was clean and sober people were drawn to her.  She was loved.  Her counselor told me that out of all the people he's ever met, she has had the most profound, life changing affect on him. 

The last time I was with her, she remarked to a room full of people that she would willingly share anything about her life if it would help others.  I was so proud of her.  I'm glad I didn't know she had hooked up with those two men before she died.  If I had known, she would have died with us on bad terms.  As it were, our last words to each other were loving and happy. 

Today is a better day.  Well, it's only 7:30am.  But, I don't feel the anger that I felt yesterday.  Wishing things were different won't change the way things are.  So, another day, another step towards healing.

Wishing you all a good day and sending love and peace and gratitude for each of you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

 

Trudi  Thank You for sharing that  beautiful, special, small perfect picture of your new Grand baby,  Mal and the parents look so very happy  Best Wishes and many happy days.

 

Marcia I loved to hear about  Sunshine, Bethany's hamster.  How special of your Dad to make the little wooden cross and grave.  It is so special that you can still see that and remember his kindness.  I am sure one day you will find the perfect "Toby"  Thanks for sharing Bethany with us

 

Betsy I am so glad you found your way out of the darkness. I love to see Rich's picture when I sign on and to read your uplifting thoughts, poems and pictures.  My laptop is also my connection to the world Thanks you for being here.

 

Dee  Thank you for your peace making abilities and always saying the right words.

Colleen  Stay Warm

 

To all Indigos,  I am grateful that Stephen passed away before I had to walk away,  I cannot say that to many people but I can say that here .  I was running out of money and I knew I would have to take different actions. 

 

 Then the unexpected and unthought of happened,  I woke up and he was gone. My heart,  in great pain, thought of it as a blessing.  How sad that made me   

 

I still have great memories of his 41 years. 

 

Thanks for being here and keeping me sane.

 

Another animal picture  What else

 

[zachysmom]

Well its official its winter in oxford ohio. We got a light dusting of snow this darn cold morning. It needs to snow more so I can build a snowman at Zachys gsite. Zachy wasn't able to build one last year because he was sick all winter.

[shellbellsmom]

[user=7435]ericasmom[/user] wrote:

May the pain of loss and the worry we harbor for those still here ease some and allow us a sense of our Children's peace. Dee

Dee perfect words ...

Never was angry at my daughter for dying but anger at myself, the hospital, her doctor/ some of the medical staff, GOD and especially her disease CANCER.  Still working on releasing some of the hatred for her oncologist who was rude, insensitive, and incompetent.  Me, for allowing Dr. FF to continue to treat her when she didn’t want him too.  God for taking my daughter, the hospital for the water problem, and actually the world for being able to put a man on the moon, but not find a cure for CANCER.  But angry at her...NOPE.  

"kicked up the leaves and the magic is lost, stand in a line just to hit a new low..faking a smile with a coffee to go....had "some" bad days."   This is a FB post  from one of my friends also a grieving mother who lost a daughter at age 21 from cancer.  She called me up crying asking me if I thought she was crazy because she was so downed she just wanted to end it all…she quickly said, she wouldn’t actually ever act on it, but the thoughts were rolling around in head that life would be easier sometimes without  the pain.  She also wanted to know if I felt like 2 ½ years out she should still feel this sad and if it was normal to still not have any holiday spirit.  When she called I was actually having somewhat of a decent day….and did managed to cheer her up a bit….that’ s what’s so good about this forum….when others are at their lowest someone will offer some hope and comforting words, and when someone is celebrating something wonderful in their life we can find some happiness in our hearts for their blessings. 

Trudi congrats on the new bundle of joy for your family…Dion Jacob will truly be loved.

Betsey glad you were able to walk away from your “bad days” and head into brighter days and happier memories of your Rich. 

Colleen…..don’t remind me about…you know about what- that’s all that is on the news here.  Dee, better brush off your snow shoes. Beth, looks like you might get your wish in the next couple days. 

Betty the pictures of Stephen with the hamster and cat are adorable…its so true you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat animals.  Stephen was obviously a kind-hearted soul. 

I have no experience with a drug addict but lived through my brother in laws alcohol addiction which he couldn’t conquer…it is a disease and there is no right or wrong way to deal with it.  Each situation is different.  Everyone has to do what they feel is best for their love one and sounds like you all did/are doing  just that.  

Greg your little Alyssa is mighty talented.   Beautiful piece….I rated it a 5 star. 

Lorri I ran into my daughters BF (7 years)  mother yesterday at the store…we chit-chatted and she mentioned her son was home for Thanksgiving for 4 days.  We live 2 streets away, (my FB friend) and a huge part of our life,  like another son to us…and no call.  No “lets meet for a drink to catch up”, no text message that he’s in town and too busy to get together.  Nothing.  Yeah its sinkin’ in again that there will be no marriage, no grandbabies, and now…he’s moving on with his life and we are evidently not a part of it any longer.  Another slap in the face, another thing I will have to face.  Sorry you had to deal with this reality too. 

Wishing everyone a peaceful day.  Hoping we are able to smile and feel some happiness today.  Sue (Michelle's Mother)

[Guest]

Negative 14 out right now.  Too cold to snow. 

Brrrrr!

[lolynbo]

MY NAME IS SPELLED LORRI..BUT I ANSWER TO ANYTHING...THIS SEASON MY NAME COMES UP ALOT...

HOE HOE HOE....I HAVE A STATE NAMED AFTER ME TOO, IDAHOE....OK IM DONE...

IM GLAD BRENTS HAPPY BUT IT WAS JUST A LITTLE LIKE YOU SAID 'SLAP IN THE FACE"...BUT I LOVE CARLEY AND I IKNOW KOURTNEY WOULD TOO..

MONTY  IS SUPPOSE TO BE GETTING ME A LARGE PIC OF KOURTNEY READY FOR THE CANDLE LIGHTING...THERE WILL BE SEVERAL OF US TO SAY HER NAME..."AND IM SAYIN IT LOUD"...I MAY NOT EVEN NEED MICROPHONE...

LOVE THE HAMPSTER AND CRITTER PICS...IM GONNA POST ONE OF KOURTNEY (IF IT POSTS) EVERY TIME SHE HELD SOMETHING FURRY SHE MADE THE SAME "FISH MOUTH FACE"...GOD I WISH I COULD SEE IT AND KISS IT.. THIS IS MY GRANDDAWGTER PRINCESS..KOURTNEYS BABY

THATS BRENT IN BACKGROUND AND MY HOUSE...WE WEE GOING TO ADD A CHOCOLATE GLAZE ON THE WALLS BUT KOURTNEY LIKED EM LIKE THAT SO IM NOT CHANGEN IT....I WISH YOU COULD SEE HER MOUTH ...BUT SHE ALWAYS MADE FISH FACE WITH FURRYS

[shorty16]

Zachysmom you may have a Private message in the upper right hand corner of your screen?

Colleen

[briansdad]

LORRI, YOU CRACK ME UP.

The candlelight at the angel of hope was great as usual. It was strange though.The angel is in a little valley surrounded by huge pines.When the  program started the wind started to blow through the tops of the trees like and it sounded like someone was whispering our childrens names.It kind of gave me chills.

[lolynbo]

THATS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPEND LAST YR (AT OUR FIRST ) CANDLE LIGHTING..IT WAS 70' WHEN WE GOT THERE AND ALL OF THE SUDDN IT WENT TO 40" IN LIKE SECONDS AND THE WIND BLEW IN LIKE "HEY ITS FOR US WERE HERE"...COLD COLD COLD..BUT NEAT..

GLAD I CAN HELP MAKE U CHUCKLE ...YALS TURN TO MAKE ME LAUGH

[lolynbo]

I KNOW IVE SHARED THIS WILL YAL B4 BUT ...IF YOU WANT TO BUY A UNIQUE GIFT OR A GIFT FOR YOURSELF....

I ORDERED ME SOME COSTOM SHOES MADE BY NIKE....

THEY WERE ONLY 120$..AND I WEAR THEM ONLY ONCE IN A WHILE THEY ARE MY KOURTNEY TENNIS SHOES..IT TAKE ABOUT 3 TO 4 WKS..TO GET THEM ..

HOPEFULLY THE PIC WILL POST..JUST GO TO NIKE.COM AND GO TO THE NIKE ID AND DESIGN THEM...I PUT COLORS KOURTNEY LIKED ..BUT I DIDNT FIND ANY ORANGE WITH THIS STYLE...BUT IF I DO ANOTHER PAIR I FOUND A STYLE WITH ORANGE...

JUST AN IDEA...

[mpsmom]

well those are cute as can be..... are they kids size?  

[lolynbo]

NO I GOT EM A LITTLE BIG SO I KNEW I CLD WEAR THEM..I THINK  A 6 1/2..IVE ONLY WORE THEM 4 XS...SO FAR..I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS KINDA NEAT...

AND I JUST CHECKED OUT THE CUSTOMIZED M & M'S...NOT TOO EXPENSIVE I THINK U CAN GET LIKE 5 BAGS FOR 60$...2 DIFF COLORS AND 2 DIFF SAYNS..KINDA CUTE I THOUGHT

[mpsmom]

I just bought myself a present, we went to Costco to 'hop around' and pick up the stuff I need for the upcoming candle lighting this Sunday.  They had 10" digital frames they hold 5000 pictures and if you can figure it out also video and music. I will put pics on first then try and re-read the directions to add the music, you can turn the music off when you dont want it and you can group the pics into 5 catagories, for example vacations, family, friends, event, other.... that is my present to me, That way I can have my angels life pictures all right here flashing by on a screen.  The customized tennies are very cute, maybe they would have saved my butt when I went hiking??? LOL,   as my husband says often when someone askes how he is doing:  "Today doesn't suck"..   Our grief counselor is writing a book, she asked if she could included us in it, of course it is all about the loss of a child. 

HUGS, it is cold here--snowing in the mountains, but we dont go unless we want to see the snow.     Marcia   Bethanys Mom forever

[mikesmum]

[user=22626]hotrod[/user] wrote:

To all Indigos,  I am grateful that Stephen passed away before I had to walk away,  I cannot say that to many people but I can say that here .  I was running out of money and I knew I would have to take different actions. 

 

 Then the unexpected and unthought of happened,  I woke up and he was gone. My heart,  in great pain, thought of it as a blessing.  How sad that made me   

 

I still have great memories of his 41 years. 

 

Thanks for being here and keeping me sane.

 

Another animal picture  What else

 

Betsy - Yes it's here we can speak our hearts without judgment because we know having lost our kids - there but for the grace of god...anyone of us could be telling the story.

Mike younger brother Steven became addicted to Heroin when he was 17. It was the year before my husband at the time was diagnosed with an aquired brain injury.  Home life was tough to say the least.  

Mike was his strongest support in the early days.  We went through court appearances, detox, rehab and lost alot. One thing Mike couldn't do was see his brother in jail.  It was soul destroying.  There were times when Steven would cry and tell me he just wanted it over.....I have to tell you as hard as it was to hear, there were times when I thought that would be the only way he would find peace.

Steven turned the corner but Mikes health deteriorated.  Ironically the very drugs that were to ease his pain were the ones that took him.

Love the pictures and stories of 'White Christmas'.  Closest I get here is Bing Crosby's White Christmas.  And yes I do have the movie....

Had a call from Anthony (new dad) last night about 9pm.  Seems his GF's family drove them both to the hospital yesterday.  Unfortunately the didn't have room later in the day to bring him home...So he was 1hr 45mins from home with no transport...is it just me or is that wrong?! 

Its raining here, love that smell.  Off to meet up with Melissa for a coffee, you are all most welcome to come......

 

 

 

[Guest]

Betty - your words of honesty and love touched me to the core.  "I'm grateful Stephen passed away before I had to walk away". Just sending you hugs!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Indigos

Yesterday, I received a call from one of my very good friends.  She was crying, because she missed her daughter who was away at college.

I am thinking to myself "Do you even remember Brian is dead?"

I just listened and when we hung-up, I cried wishing my son was just away at college.

Sometimes, even our good friends do not get it?!?!?

Colleen