Loss of an Adult Child

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Kathy,

Thanks so much for your kind words, it is truly for our kids, and other parents, that I am doing this. I feel my children there with me when I tell people about thier deaths, and about the horror of oxycontin. I have spoken to 13 and 14 year old kids who are recovering heroin addicts, and they all started with ocxyc. Docs need to be more careful about prescribing this addictive drug to people who dont need it, and we need to educate our children about what can happen to you once you make heroin your friend.

I'll keep talking till I cant talk any longer, or until this problem subsides.

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[maskott]

Today is impossible. Friday was 2 months since Matthew died. I felt calm that day which made me feel guilty because I wasn't upset as I thought I should be. Saturday Jeff (mattsdad) broke down watching a hockey game(something they had done together when Matthew was young) so I comforted him. Yesterday was the actual day he died nine weeks ago and I was alright. Today I can't stop sobbing. My stomach aches. I took the day off from work so Jeff and I could do something together. We planned to go to the college that Matthew went to and get T-shirts for all of us to remember Matthew by. Why wasn't I upset on his 2 month anniversary and why am I sobbing now? I know there aren't any answers but I just needed to let it out. Thanks for being there and listening. I'm am so sorry for anyone that has to go through this.

BettyAnn

[Artina]

Bettyann,

What you are doing is "normal" for a grieving parent. I find that when I am strong through a difficult situation... it is usually followed by a bout of depression or crying jag. I'm sure the human body does what it has to do to get through this tramtic time. It's okay to cry, cry, cry, and to not cry, cry, cry. Your body will let you know what it needs to do... but be sure to take care of it in the mean time- get lots of rest, drink plenty of fluids, and give yourself some healthy nutrition. I know that those acts don't seem like much, but they really help the mind.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Mamabets,

Your concern for your dog is touching. I feel the same way about my little boy dog- Duke. At this point in your grief though, your heart may not be able to handle the slightest amount of worry and what you are feeling for your dog may be too much for you to take on at this time. Worrying can add loads of stress to a person who has lost a child. Maybe your not ready to travel. Sure you want to be there, but maybe it is too much for you right now. Whatever you decide to do, be sure to take care of your needs first- it's okay to do that.

Peace to you, Tina

[maskott]

Tina, thanks for the post. I'm trying to understand grieving but I just don't. I seem to be fine when I shouldn't be and I'm a mess when I should be fine. I'm trying to take care of my body. Especially, sleeping. In fact I go to bed so early these days because I don't want to be awake. I get up in the morning, go to work, have dinner and go to bed. That's about it. I know time will help, right now it stinks. This site helps though. I'm not alone. Thanks for your response, it's nice to know people are willing to help.

BettyAnn

[mamabets]

Hi Bettyann- This is mamabets, or Betsy and I think that you guys are doing great so soon. I was in a hospital at two months , pacing, completely out of it on medicine. Today, that is better certainly, but grief is absolutlety exhausting. Completely takes everything out of you. Danny has shown me so many spiritual signs since thishas happened, and I can't even get really excited about them, because I feel so tired. I am finding it hard to celebrate anything. I feel everything that you are feeling. Tina, do you ever fall apart or not anymore?? I mean completely fall apart?? If not, how strong of a person were you prior to this? xo mamabets

[Michaelsmom]

It's been almost three years since Michael has died so I keep an eye on this website as there are way too many new people who have lost a child. It just never stops. I am so sorry for everyone as I hate to have anyone feel the way I do. My Michael's birthday is next week (17th) and he died on Hallween. I hate to tell you but it gets worse every year for me as the dates come close. I've been able to cope fairly well but the anniversary dates just tear me up. I lost my daughter Carolyn just 7 months ago and her birthday was on Labor Day. The first wasn't too bad but I'm afraid the coming months with the holidays will just wipe me out. I was doing so well after Michael died and then Carolyn died and it's hell all over again. Just crying on your shoulders. Thanks for listening.

Michael and Carolyn's Mom

[mamabets]

For Michaelsmom- God love you, how did both of your children pass away?? Our Stu here has lost two children, he could help you. My Danny was born on Halloween and died in June of 2004. It is an ongoing, bad dream. We all just try to come here and talk to each other. It is a great source of help for me. You have to talk and cry and then do it some more. We just have to keep doing this process. Please e-mail me and write soon- I will try to comfort you. mamabets XO

[jscmom]

Hello all, it's me Lucette well it happened 1 year has come and gone. Now the 2nd year will begin.

Yesterday was a beautiful sunny Ca day. Few family members and friends went with me to honor Johnny.

We first handed out balloons so everyone could write their own personal message on them. Then we sang Amazing Grace and then everyone let their balloons go.

We all sat around telling stories of Johnny. So in all it was a great tribute to him...so sad at the same time.

I can't believe a year has passed and I some how lived through it. Thank God for the people who surround me now. Thank all of you.

I am not looking forward to this 2nd year.....as we all wish we did not have to meet this way.

johnny's mom forever 22

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabets,i know how you feel about leaving your dog,my son Nathan's dog is blind and since Nate has crossed over,my husband and i have become unbelieveably attacted to her.I had to leave her one weekend to go camping and they did not allow dogs[we usually take her].Iwas crying,as i was packing,and almost backed out of going,my neighbor saw me,i felt so foolish,but my neighbor took good care of her while we were gone,and we both surivied the weekend.Also you will be in my thoughts on holloween,i will think of you and your son,my nephew's birthday is also on holloween,he is over in Iraq right now,we pray to Nathan and tell him to watch over him because Nate and him were always so close.T/C you will be in my prayers..Kathy,Nates mom

[maskott]

mamabets, thanks for your helpful words. I know how you feel about your dog. A week after Matthew died our dog was shaking like crazy. He vomited something unknown. We rushed him to the Vet (on Sunday) and were told he would need emergency surgery. Something was lodged in his intestines. All I could think was God decided that Matthew needed our dog in heaven with him. I couldn't imagine two deaths within a week. Good news is the dog made it through with no complications (except the bill). Grief is tough. I mourn for our loss, mourn for Matthew's loss and mourn for what he could have been. On top of that, I have to be concerned for my daughter who was home with him for the week (my husband & I were away). She was the one who found him and had to deal with all that goes with it. She feels responsible for his death. She sees the vision of him lying on the couch, of having touched his cold body. I can't just grieve for myself but need to also make sure that she is healing. I feel guilty for her having to go through all of this. I'm just rambling so I will end it here. We all have problems we need to deal with on a daily basis concerning the death of our child. I am not alone. Thanks for listening.

BettyAnn

[mamabets]

For Maskott- My Jackie, Danny's sister, was the only one in his room as they started to prepare him for leaving the room to go so he could donate his organs. She was petrified of death prior to this experience, and no longer is. However, she has had flashbacks and she would be more than happy to e-mail with your daughter. She is at JSmith1279@comcast.net. She doesn't check them every day, so be patient. She is a tremendous gal, and has a heart of gold. She too is struggling, however we all believe that this was what Danny wanted- For her to be there with him. My little Rosie has three other doxies here, plus her Daddy, my husband!!! It's just that she is so close to me- they all are- and I hate leaving them. They are very spoiled, my late in life babies!! They have shown such loyalty and love through all of this-Oh well, this too shall pass and at least I am not ready for a panic attack today!!! Thank you so much for your sweet words and giving me the time in spite of your own pain. This journey is next to impossible. Beyond Indigo has been so helpful. Keep coming here to see us, please!! xomamabets

[mamabets]

For Kathy714- My nieces boyfriend is over in I raq now too. She has had a very difficult time missing him. He is there until March. I will see her this weekend- Her name is Amy and she has been incredible to me since Danny has passed away. Always calling and always there. People shy away from you after something like this, I am surprised to say. Halloween has always been huge, as you can imagine. My heart is telling me to lay low this year- Jackie and Julia aren't here- My daughter and grandaughter, so I think my hub and I will celebrate Danny in a new and different kind of way. Something has to give here, it can't stay this painful forever. To feel so hopeless and helpless in a situation that had an outcome that spelled death one night, is a very foreign feeling. Maybe I have to try to think and act differently here. He is on my mind every second that I am awake. You can all relate to this feeling- I understand where he is better than I understand where I have lived for 50 years- Earth. One day it will have to be my partner instead of my enemy. For the most part, I know that he no longer struggles, and I am so very grateful for this.However, I am in conflict most of the time- Not what to do, I am open... Just how to do it. I miss him so much- Thanks for listening!! xomamabets

[rhonda68]

My son would have been 20 on Sunday Oct 9,2005. I celebrated it with my family anyway and it felt good for everyone just to remember his birth and tell some stories. We started out with turkey dinner and we had a candle lit at the table for him we also had birthday cake. When we were done we went to his grave wrote messages on ballons and released them to the sky. We played some of his favorite songs. His head stone was finally put in as well its been quite an emotional weekend but it did help just for everyone to focus on him and it also did my other son a world of good.

Richard James

Oct 9,1985 - Feb 23,2005

[swede1]

For Everyone:

Found a few (more) cliches we all seem to suffer from receiving from those who don't understand, and thought I should start posting these when I find them...for your comfort, from others who understand.

http://www.griefworksbc.com/Cliches.asp

[mattsdad]

Having just found out about this site 8 days ago I am amazed at the amount of love and support you have given myself and my wife (maskott). I have found out alot about myself in the past few months...Matthew passed on Aug 7th...

For a few- I never knew how much I loved Matthew until he left us. I never knew how much I missed Matthew until he left us. Let me correct that. He may have left us in body, but his spirit lives on in all of us who knew him. That is one consolation. Another is in KNOWING he will be waiting for us when it is our time to go. I get great comfort in KNOWING that.

I will also admit that though I do not cry as much as I should, Matthew is never far from my heart and head. Though I do not outwardly grieve all the time does not mean that the pain is any less. Having been brought up in a pretty strict home, it would look weak if I should shed too many tears. But having gone through what we all have gone through I find no more shame in crying. I just wish I could cry a little more to get rid of the sorrow, disappointment and heartache.

Thanks to all of you I am aware that to feel the way I do is nothing to be embarressed about.

By the way---I got one of those \"He is in a better place\" cliches this morning.

Ouch!!I know he meant it in a nice way, but maybe it was better to just say nothing. I know alot of people are uncomfortable with grieving parents. At least he said something to acknowledge our loss unlike some who are afraid to broach the subject at all.

Thanks for listening.

Jeff

[mattsdad]

To mamabets,

I know that losing Danny was devistating. It could be nothing less.

I am very glad to read in an earlier post that you had been spared the guilt that so many of us feel. And that five people were given a second chance at life through the donation made by Danny. I hope you can take some comfort from that. But I still feel your anguish.

I also saw that you have had brushes with Danny. That must be a strange and wonderful thing. My wife says she has also had moments with Matthew. I hope that sometime soon I will also be able to experience a moment. We just have no idea at the wonders that await us after this mortal life.

We live in Andover, New Jersey in Sussex County. You had stated that you had once lived in our state.

Your new friend,

Jeff

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Mattsdad, yes, his spirit lives on and with you. I'm sorry you lost him. It's a pain like no other. I grew up in a violent home and foster care, so emotions were never for me to express. Then Jenni died. She's my firstborn. The day I received her personal effects, I spent hours crying. The cliche party will continue, so we all have to pretty much ignore the mindless words. The pain will soften with time. This is a process, and like all processes, takes a long time. May you have enough for what you need. Mark

[donosmom]

It is nice to see other talking about their pets, Matthew's dog ZsaZsa is a little miniture pincher and when we found him she was jumping all over him licking and pawing trying to get him up. As someone said she has become my living connection to Matthew and she too has been very ill a couple of times since Matthew died, it nearly sent me over the edge. We are so attached to her and we take her everywhere.

Matthew's brother Michael was married Oct.1 It was a beautiful wedding and they honored Matthew and Heathers mother who died when she was young. I held up very well through the wedding, but the days that followed have sucked, sorry, but there is no other word that fits better. We got the profs of the pictures Sat and I felt like someone slapped me and hit me in the gut when I saw the family pictures and the pictures of the other 3 kids and Matthew wasn't there. It was the first time we have had our pictures taken together since Matthew died and it hurt so bad.

Last Tuesday I spoke to a Requesters group about organ donation and what we went through that night and tried to answer questions to help them when approaching a family for organ donation. I always have a bit of emotional hangovers after I speak but it is important to me. Matthew is not here to continue to make his mark in the world so now I carry this torch.

Well I am rambling, but thanks for being here to ramble to

Matthews Mom Mary

11-3-79 - 7-13-03

[mattsdad]

To purplelady,

Judi,

I am so sorry that Andrew died alone, much like my Matthew. It does seem that Andrewwas reaching out one last time----to God--or help--or peace.

Self-medicating sure is a common reason a lot of our kids are not here anymore.

Unfortunately I grew weary of all the excuses Matt made for his self-medicating. It was only a few weeks before he passed that I began to understand that his bi-polar was really a serious disease. His illness and pills and drinking were literally killing him before our eyes. We were reluctant to step in.Hey, he was 24. He wanted to be independent-so did we. But he was incapable at that time. 20-20 hindsight is so cruel.

I just hope that all the self-medicators out there can be stopped before it is too late.

God bless you and your children.

I also see that Andrew was born on Aug 16,'85.

I was born Aug 16,'55.(that was our FIRST event since Matthew died) Not fun for he passed on Aug 7th.

Jeff

[mamabets]

For Mattsdad- I applaud you for being so open to the help that you can recieve here. I applaud all of the men. I understand your type of upbringing and this type of thing really wasn't a "guy" thing, but counseling of any kind seems to be the norm now. What a way for you to tread these waters, but there is nothing like reaching out to others- I had a thought the other day- "The only way that I can do this life now, is if the entire group from Beyond Indigo comes to live in my neighborhood". A fleeting thought, but it was familiar- It felt familiar... Isn't that something? I lived in Essex Fells, New Jersey, however we moved from there as I was going into my senior year of high school- We lived in Florida- I will be 50 on the 18th of this month, so it has been many years. My sister goes up every year and we still have many friends from there. Hang in there and know that the worry and suffering for these young men of ours has ended for them. I have often said that if that includes my having to journey on, I will. For Danny, anything. There was a limit to what we could do here. They have gone to a place of peace-Peace unlike anything this life was showing them. It is a hard, very often cold world, and for me, I know that any battle for Danny is no more a part of who he is. He is ALL that he ever needed to be- Free to be all that he believed in. He was way to nice for this place called life. xoxomamabets

[julsmom]

so many posts - I understand all.

To Stu - way to go. I hope your work against drugs is a success.

10/13/03 - tomorrow marks 2 yrs. I miss her so much. This sucks, as a wise man once said.

Peace, Lynda

for Julie 12/15/75-10/13/03

[mamabets]

For Julsmom- There are no real words of comfort when having to deal with the hands that all of us have been dealt, but I know for me just seeing messages here seems to soften the blow for the moment. Let me tell you that I will keep you in my prayers- Some say that after two years, the agony subsides some- I don't know, I can't even imagine it ever doing so, but it would make this feel a bit less raw. I know that these kids of ours would not want for our lives to seem so empty. I am sure that all of us have things to be thankful for- I know that I do- The pain just seems to outweigh the joy always. I will be thinking of you, as I always do. I think of everyone, always. xomamabets

[Artina]

Mamabets,

You asked, "if I ever fall apart anymore or not". Yes I do have those days that the world just doesn't seem right for me anymore. But, not as often as I did in the first couple of years. You also asked me; "if I was strong before I lost my son". I would have to say that I have a strong support system and that support system makes my grieving a lot less difficult. You see, I believe that there are many variables that add positive tools to our grief surroundings. For example, My husband and I have always had a great relationship with equally strong family values. We have gone through a lot together and we have built a lot of resources from our struggles (we were married at 16 and 19 and have been married for over 23 years). Thus we had a strong set of tools that aided us through the loss of our son. Marital struggles could really add a lot of difficulty to one's grief.

I also have a best friend who lost her mother at a young age and she has been a total support person for me. She understands, on some level, what I am going through. She does not pass judgement and she is unconditional. She is a great resource for me. We walked a lot in the first year and I talked, talked, talked while she listened. We just pounded the cement together- oh what a relief that was for me. Just getting outside, out from between the four walls, made such a difference in my frame of mind.

Also, my son did not lose his life at the hands of someone else, so I don't struggle with that type of loss. That would be so much more difficult to deal with. I don't even want to think about the amount of energy that goes into making someone pay for taking a child’s life. That would definitely make the grieving process more difficult. My son died instantly from injuries sustained from a snowmobile accident. He was doing something that he chose to do that day. He was with his friends and was having a pretty good time. That piece of information helps me in my grief.

And finally, I had a great relationship with my son and I don't have a lot of regrets. He was always first on my list of priorities and he knew that. I told him everyday that I loved him and he told us everyday that he loved us. We were a very happy family that did almost everything together. We built a lot of family memories together.... That brings some relief to my grief.

As you can see, there are a lot of variables that make up the grieving process and add to why grief is unique to each one of us. I have only touched a few here, but can only speak for myself. We have to do what works for us and again, leave what doesn’t work for you.

I hope this helps... Tina

[mamabets]

For Artina- Thank you so much for taking the time to help me here. You have helped tremendously, as the rest have. I can relate to so much of what you have said. I, too, have a wonderful man that stands by me always. He was Danny's best friend in many ways- He was not his father, but boy oh boy, was he his Dad!!! I have a great support system- A huge family made up of brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews. They are great. And, may I save this for last....My Jackie and Julia, Danny's sister and niece. They are my hope when all hope seems to be gone. She is tremendous. Danny and I too, were extremely close. I just hope that with time, this gets somewhat easier. Life is completelt unfamiliar these days. It will be forever, and as the shock wore off, it became more difficult. Thank you so much. I hold you in my heart. How long has this been for you and your family? xo mamabets

[Artina]

Rhonda68,

I would like to acknowledge your son's Birthday and to note that it sounds like you had a very supportive gathering.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Lynda,

I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers as you approach Julie's Angel Date. I know that you have walked every step of the last two years- hand in hand with Julie. The memories of our children are a gift that neither, time nor physical seperation can take from us. God bless you and your family.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Mamabets,

My son passed away on Jan 4, 2002- it has been almost four years. He was just 19. I have a living son who was 12 at the time of his brother's passing- he is now 16. I remember thinking in the first year that I would never be able to find happiness again now that my son was gone. I also remember the unfamiliar surrounding in my home, my family, my work place, my town (where I was raised my whole life). My backyard didn't even look familiar. I couldn't find refuge anywhere. I had to start redefining my world. I still stumble... but I pick myself up much quicker than I did in the first couple of years.

Something that really helped us was that we bought a dog shortly after Chris crossed over to bring some energy back into our home. It was the best choice we ever made. We named him Duke, after Chris's favorite movie star, John Wayne. What a blessing he has turned out to be. We have so much love to give and he loves to be loved. We really are lucky to have found him. He is a cute 13 inch, tri color beagle. What a doll.

Peace to you, Tina

[mattsdad]

To briansdad--Greg

Just got done reading your poem to your son, Brian. That was some pretty powerful stuff. I also like what your nephew had written at the funeral."Who needs wheels when you can have wings."

Except for a few minor differences that poem could have been written for my son Matthew. He too was a spring baby and also died at age 24. Many of your sentiments were the same as mine.

Thanks for that post.

Jeff

[mamabets]

For Artina- I can't help but giggle- We have four doggies!!All little doxies, 3 short haired, one long haired, ranging in ages from 8-12 years. Heidi, Cody, Kiley and Rosie!! They have saved my sanity, whatever sanity is left here!! And, when my sanity was gone, which it was at the beginning, they never left my side. Our lives revolve around them- They hate to be alone, so we don't leave them alone!!! I will look on your profile to see if your e-mail is there- I have the last picture with Danny taken with all four dogs!! 2002for you-What a long journey, but at least life is hopeful now for you. I am relieved to know that this unfamiliar feeling is normal- It is not helping this at all, and I am accutely aware of it, more and more every day. It just makes missing him harder. Anyway, I love puppy dog tales. And, beagles are precious!! Thanks!! xomamabets

[purplelady]

To purplelady,

Judi,

I am so sorry that Andrew died alone, much like my Matthew. It does seem that Andrewwas reaching out one last time----to God--or help--or peace.

Self-medicating sure is a common reason a lot of our kids are not here anymore.

Unfortunately I grew weary of all the excuses Matt made for his self-medicating. It was only a few weeks before he passed that I began to understand that his bi-polar was really a serious disease. His illness and pills and drinking were literally killing him before our eyes. We were reluctant to step in.Hey, he was 24. He wanted to be independent-so did we. But he was incapable at that time. 20-20 hindsight is so cruel.

I just hope that all the self-medicators out there can be stopped before it is too late.

God bless you and your children.

I also see that Andrew was born on Aug 16,'85.

I was born Aug 16,'55.(that was our FIRST event since Matthew died) Not fun for he passed on Aug 7th.

Jeff

TO JEFF - It was the same with Andrew ... only about 3 weeks that he began his spiral downward, and no one really knew what was happening. Maybe we didnt' want to know - I am not sure. I do know that we had many talks with him, trying to find out if he was okay and what was going on in his life. I also believe in the deepest part of my heart that Andrew was suffering from bipolar disorder. It was just too late to reach him, I guess. Hindsight sucks ... there are so many things you can think of now that should have been done, should have been said ... if you only knew. You can never get that time back, only try and break free of the hold the pain has on you 24 hours a day. It is a task I am not too sure I am up to, but one I am stuck in.

I am so sorry you had a birthday so close to when Matthew passed. I am so dreading every single flipping holiday from now until the next year rolls around, when I will dread them again. I had a God-awful day today. Just got back from a Compassionate Friends meeting tonight, and once again spent my time sobbing while everyone else talked. Maybe someday I will be able to find my voice, but right now the pain is too new and fresh and raw.

I will always remember your birthday, Jeff. You were born on a great day. Much love and friendship to you. Keep hanging on as tight as you can. Take care of yourself. Judi, Andrew's Mom

[briansdad]

Mattsdad,

You have no idea how many parallels there are.Brian's younger sister was the first one to get the news that morning.She hasn't been the same since.

[aprilsmom]

I just wanted to share this poem. It was written for Jami (April's sister) from one of the Her friends:

"Just Five More Minutes"

Just five more minutes

For one last laugh

To sing one more song

To have one last dance

Just five more minutes

To touch your hair

To see my reflection in you

To show you how much I care

Just five more minutes

For one last fight

To then make up

And hold you tight

Just five more minutes

To play one last game

To stop time in that instant

And keep everything the same

Just five more minutes

For one last cry

A few precious moments

To say goodbye

And when my time is up

I'll see you at heaven's door

That'll be the day

I won't need five more minutes anymore

[enufalreddy]

I don't know how I can keep feeling this way and not lose my mind.As if I will explode. I love my son so much. And he is gone. Drugs took him from me. He invited them in and let them take him away from me. I get so angryI want to just scream and scream until I can't make any more noise.He was such a talented artist. A good hearted guy. He adored his little girl.But he loved the drug more damnit.How can I keep going...will it ever stop or feel less hurtful.Like he is being ripped from my body. Can't we rewind and start over.

[kathy714]

Dear Enufalreddy,reading your post is exactly how i feel,i loss my son Nathan in Jan,2005,and since then i feel like my life has a big hole in it ,i always knew my son Nathan was very special to me and that we had a very close relationship,i had more fun doing things with him than anyone else.We just really enjoyed each others company,and now i feel so lost,he was such a hugh part of my life that all i do is think of him 24/7.Ihave moments when it hits me that this is final and i will never be able to see him again and it actually takes my breath away and i feel like i can't breath,and then the tears come.I wish so much that we could rewind and i could just do that whole day different,but unfortunatlly GOD had a plan and there is nothing i can do to change it ..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Enufalreaddy,

I lost two children to drugs, heroin, cocaine, morphine, they did them all, not to mention booze....I have put my energy, what there is left of it, into trying to stop others from doing the same thing. I speak at schools, p.t.o. groups, anywhere I can...it has helped me....

It will be three years on Nov. 3rd since Carrie left me, and her brother Matt died 8 months later. It never stops, the pain is less sharp,now more like an ache....stay strong, and takes care of you.

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[mamabets]

For All!! I am off to Florida- This will be so strange to not have my Danny there- But, we will celebrate all that there is to celebrate!! A wedding and the news that another one of my nieces is having a baby girl!! Be well, all of you, and I will certainly be in touch with you upon my return, if not sooner. I carry all of you in my heart!! xomamabets

[maskott]

Michaelsmom, I am so sorry for your losses. My Matthew died two months ago and the agony is unbelievable. I can't imagine having to go through this again. To be honest, though, my mind is always thinking about one of my other children dying before I do and I don't think I could bear that. My heart goes out to you and you will be in my prayers. I wish there was more to say.

BettyAnn

[julsmom]

well here it is, 2 years. My husband and son have left for the crash site, about 2 hrs. away. They want to see it. I personally have no desire to. We have been by it once or twice. Later today we will go to cemetary with 84 yr. old aunt who is visiting to put flowers out. Yes, it some respects healing has taken place but today will always be awful. Peace to all. Julie's mom, Lynda

[maskott]

heartbrokendad, I've read your posts and I am so sorry for your losses. My Matthew died from taking a muscle relaxer to ease stomach pains. He was bipolar,taking medications, and drinking. Years ago, he did drugs which can bring on bipolar. I have such guilt that I didn't do anything at the time he was taking drugs. If I had done something then, would this have never happened? How did you get through those tough few months-twice.

BettyAnn

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Julsmom, my thoughts and prayers will be with you all day. May peace be yours. Mark

[heartbrokendad]

Hi BettyAnn,

My daughter was CarrieAnn, I dont know how I got through the first few months, kept busy I guess...

[sherridameron]

Hello Everyone. My name is Sherri. I lost my son Michael violently a month ago tomorrow. I really find this website helpful. At first I felt like I was alone but, there are so many people that are going through the same emotions I am. It's good to know that I'm not going crazy. My son was 18. He was my only son. I have a daughter 20 and a stepdaughter 15. I have posted strands on other forums on this site. My question has been how do you parent the surviving siblings? How do you reinvent yourself to be a mother to two and not three. How do you help them through this difficult period, when you can barely breathe yourself. Everyone says it will get easier, but, right now I'm paralyzed.

[julsmom]

sherridameron - first you are still the mother of 3. Other than that I have no helpful answers. Our son was 29 at the time of our daughter's accident and on his own. We tried to be as supportive as we could, he lived in another state. We talked almost nightly. Hopefully there are others on this site who can be of more help than I can be. It gets different in time, not necessarily easier. The balance between making sure you're ok and making sure your surviving children are ok is very difficult. May you find your way. Peace, Lynda

[maskott]

Sherridameron, I'm sorry for your loss. My son Matthew died two months ago. Last night I went to the doctor for a physical and had to answer a question I've been dreading. How many children do you have. I've always had 3. I don't want to let go of Matthew. How do you answer? I'm doing my best to help the other two. My son, 22, doesn't want to talk. He's at college most of the time so I can't do too much but let him know I'm there for him. I've been talking to my daughter and getting her counseling with a minister. I've also encouraged her to post on this site. The time that is left I grieve for myself. It's not easy. It seems to take up all of my time. I wish you well and you will be in my prayers.

BettyAnn

[Artina]

Sherridameron,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my 19 year old son almost four years ago. It has been a long hall, but the ride has smoothed out for the most part.

I have a living son who was 12 at the time of his 19 year old brother's death- he is now 16. The only thing I could do to reach out to him was to talk about my son, his brother. I try to talk about his life- more than his death. I know the importance of listening to my living son while he talks about his brother and thus I take the time to just "be" with him. Most of the time, just making oneself available to another brings about conversation. This has to be done often for it to work successfully. After almost four years we enjoy sitting and talking about my son, his brother. There is always the cloud of sadness, hurt, and missing him hanging over our talks. But we wouldn't trade talking about Chris to protect us from the pain that those conversations bring to surface.

I will always have to two sons, not one, two. Nothing in LIFE would have ever changed that number; neither will DEATH. You are the mother of Michael forever... nobody can take that from you.

I live life side by side with grief. Life will never be the same and neither will I. I have found myself back to a road that is more familiar, but a lot has changed- just as returning to a place you haven't seen for over 50 years. I look for those land-marks in my life that bring the life saving gasps of familiarity. Yet all around me there are reminders that change has moved in.

Be sure to take care of yourself. Allow yourself to move through this gently...

Peace to you, Tina

[daveydow1]

Julsmom,

My prayers go out to you on this day---your dear

Julie's angel day. These days are ones that none of

us here ever thought we would have to observe. I hope

that with the help of friends and family, you are able

to find some peace and know that Julie feels all your

love.

[daveydow1]

Hello Sherridameron,

I am so sorry for your loss of dear Michael. These early

days into your grief and devastation are so very agonizing,

as you know. It is so sad for our young sons and daughters

to preceed us in passing from this world. (I am 2 yrs. into

this life of grief). I wish that there was something I could

say to ease your pain, but I know that there aren't any words

that can help, really. I hope that you can come back to this

site, for all of us here know the pain you are going through

now, and hope that in some small way, it may help you. Take

care & peace be with you.

Sherry

[daveydow1]

Mamabets,

Thinking of you and praying that on your son, Danny's,

birthday on Halloween you may find peace and comfort

in some way even though it is such a sad occaision. You

are in my prayers.

[daveydow1]

Maskott,& Mattsdad,

I haven't been on this site for a little while and

am so sorry to learn of your loss of Matthew. I know

there is nothing I can say to help in these early days

after your son's passing, but I am thinking about you

in this sad time. I lost my son, Davey,

over 2 yrs. ago to a highway accident. I have found this

site to be very helpful since I don't have a very good

network of support to confide in. I pray you find the

strength to just take one day at a time, and take care

of yourselves.